Transcript of #2493 - Protect Our Parks 16 New

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What's the story, Morning Glory? It's been almost a year. Wow.

It's flying by. What are we, 12 now? Is this 12th episode?

No, I think we're way—

16.

Yeah.

We'll be 40.

Damn, that's a lot of drinking.

How many times have we played Freebird?

Oh, we're playing it again. We're gonna go over the exact same episode we always did.

Yeah, we're gonna talk about coming out of the closet.

Play Metallica.

Yeah, play Metallica.

R. Kelly.

So it turns out that that lady, that was a scam, that was fake. The lady who forced the guy to fuck her, was it JP Morgan? What? Yeah, wasn't real.

She was hot.

Yeah, I know.

Was that in the last one we did?

Jamie said it's fake, right? It's fake.

Yeah, the news is going around that it's like there was like a— the lawsuit is not accurate apparently. It's like a retaliatory lawsuit.

So he just claimed that she said all those things and she made him fuck her.

Damn, what a pussy. Wait, is he an Indian guy?

I believe so.

Yeah, gross. It does read like an Indian guy now that I'm thinking about it.

Like a scam?

Like the horniest guy ever just coming up with the hottest scene. She called them cannons.

Yeah, once she— once a lady calls her tits cannons, who— have you ever heard What would a girl call her tits? Her cannons.

That's such an 18-year-old or 16-year-old boy thing.

I've never heard cannons.

Cannons, gazongas.

What's coming next? Guys talk about a girl's cannons when she's nowhere near them.

I've heard cans. Cans.

Sure, yeah.

Torpedoes.

I've heard cannons, I think. I'm pretty sure I've heard cannons.

Nick Cannon.

Jugs.

Nick Cannon's.

Jugs. Jugs.

Sweater puppets, fun bags, knockers.

They're just boobs and tits.

But a lady saying that?

That's no lady.

I'm sure she said—

she did.

She said, I'm sure your fish head Asian wife doesn't have cannons like this.

Fish head?

That's what he said.

That's what he said. She said.

Damn.

What's that Demi Moore movie? Is he claiming it's that?

Striptease?

No, no, where she was the boss and she made the guy fuck her.

Disclosure.

Disclosure.

Oh, I used to yank it to that one.

Oh God, that's fucking hot.

Article almost made me yank it this morning.

I know, right?

Laying in bed seeing that Twitter thing.

Fish head.

Damn, hot as hell.

She's hot.

Indian guy I should write more stuff.

This guy's a writer, yeah.

So if he got fired and he made up that story, what should the repercussions be?

Jail.

Yeah.

You can't just do that.

Especially, well, for sure.

But if it's well written enough.

If it was a guy, the guy would be fired. If it was a guy and a woman claimed that the guy said these terrible things, the guy would be fired, he would be shamed, but no one's mad at that lady. No.

Right? No, no.

No one's mad at that lady for making him fuck her.

No, we love the lid.

Even in the moment before it came out as a hoax, when they thought it was true, her boss was like, come on, you can't be doing that. That's about as bad as it got.

Or he pulled her into the office and go, let me see them.

Let me see these cannons.

Bust out the missiles.

We just got to do our research, due diligence. I just got to see the cannons.

Which also, just to— he might be telling the truth. Are we sure it's fake yet? Are we sure it's fake? Can a boy dream?

What a great way to have no one believe you is if you intentionally use words like that.

Like, I would never speak that way.

There's been a string of middle, uh, middle-aged horrors going around lately. Have you noticed that?

Love it. It's back.

It's back. Like the reporter chick who's been banging the football coach. Uh, Christy Noem was cheating on that guy with the tits.

Well, that guy with the tits was fucking—

God, the tits rock so well. Those are cannons.

Crazy.

The chick who wrote the RFK article that had a deeply emotional relationship with him.

Oh really?

Yeah.

And then that was just—

that was the second one. It was crazy. Then there was a second one she had like that. She likes to get to know her subjects.

The texts were wild though.

Deeply emotional.

Pull them up.

Both back and forth? His version was wild?

This is a while ago, right?

Yeah, this is a couple years ago.

Yeah, it was something like, let my river flow into your—

Woo!

It was odd.

It's like a Dave Matthews song. Yeah. Damn. Does he text like he talks? Is it all jumbly?

But see, for a lady, it's like a free shot. You never have to worry about getting in trouble. Like, no one's even going to be in trouble. She's not— no one's going to be mad at her as a journalist even. It's not like she's discredited.

Nah, my husband was like, I'm kind of lame. The husband didn't love it.

Oh, she's married?

Which one?

She's a freak. Yeah, the reporter with RFK.

Allegedly he was a heroin addict too. He's a fun dude.

Fun. Got after it. Oh yeah, lived his life.

I like him a lot.

Didn't use to stutter.

That's true.

It's not a stutter, it's a vaccine injury.

Oh really?

Yeah.

He didn't used to talk that way?

No, it's from the flu vaccine. Yeah, you see videos of him from the '90s, he had a great voice.

Great voice, black hair.

Are you reading the texts? They're hilarious.

It's like Prince Charles. Any dude who tries to be like romantic, it's like, you don't know how to do it.

It's a poem? Yeah, it's a sexual— As soon as you're writing a lady a poem, it's over. How do we know this is true?

I think it was verified. From what I remember, it was verified.

Olivia Nuzzi.

She sounds like a freak. Yeah, she's sharing it, so I mean, it could be from anybody.

She sounds like Staten Island trash.

Your open mouth is awaiting my harvest.

Oh, hey, there we go.

She looks like fun.

Not too shabby.

Don't spill a drop.

Oh, you're open. YR? Who writes YR for your ear? Come on, really? Your open mouth is awaiting my harvest? That doesn't even make sense.

You think he eats ass? Because that's processed.

This is my favorite one. I mean to squeeze your cheeks to force open your mouth. I'll hold your nose as you look up to me to encourage you to swallow. Whoa, don't spill a drop. I am a river, you are my canyon.

Wow, Baja baby. Wow, I'm not buying this. That sounds like literature.

But I can't have a Pop-Tart?

You can't have Froot Loops with the good colors?

I don't want these grape Froot Loops, dude.

You ever seen Canadian Froot Loops? They're bland and dim and dull.

That's what they're gonna sell here now. Oh, it's over.

We used to be a country.

It's over. But there's gotta be a way to make them prettier. Yeah, without giving you ass cancer, right?

Gotta be some way.

A lot of people getting ass cancer.

I saw that.

Really?

Yeah, dude's like since early 30s, he's got stage 3 ass cancer. Yeah, but he also took 4 shots. 4 of them.

Uh-huh.

For what shots? Vaccines. And that gives you ass cancer?

Can give you cancer, allegedly.

Did he boof the shots?

That's the way to do it if you really want to get—

don't tell me how to take the vaccine.

Stuck the actual needle right into the hole.

In West Hollywood, they're just gonna plunge her in there.

Jimmy boof it.

You got the boof.

Well, Trump almost got a shot the other day.

Isn't that crazy? What do I think? That's the third assassination attempt on that dude.

Fucking guy run— ran.

You didn't see this?

I didn't.

Bobby tried to mention in passing assassination attempt.

Not really.

At the White House press correspondence dinner where Reagan got shot.

Was it Michelle?

Same hotel.

Oh really?

So that was the— TripAdvisor must be rough on that.

Correspondence dinner. Was there a comedian there?

No, Oz the Mentalist.

The Mentalist.

Yeah. Oz the Mentalist.

You think he would have saw it coming?

He did.

He probably kept his mouth shut. He's like, I think we're going to go attack two more Arab countries.

You know what's hilarious? Metzger goes, did you see the fake assassination attempt?

Don't you know?

Don't you know about Gilgamesh? Gilgamesh. He always brings in his references.

Rothschilds.

What are you saying? I don't know. You need the references.

Oh, you don't know?

If Metzger can't get it up, he's like, Israel.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Everything's Israel.

I think that's about it.

It's Israel. Yeah.

Oh.

Pretty good excuse. I'm gonna start using it.

Yeah, I'm sorry. Kanye clips you show me are fucking wild.

He's the best.

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What's nice was the shooter was mixed race.

That's nice.

Is that nice?

That's nice, because you know, you're always like, don't be white, don't be white, or don't be black.

And don't be Arab.

That's a whole combo.

What was it?

Don't be an Arab. Just an American liberal. Wow, just the standard American liberal has had enough of the, uh, whatever you want to say he is— dictator.

Oh, right, right. Fascism, the whole thing.

Fascism, pedophile, you know.

He was like a smart guy, a valedictorian. Yeah, he was like a scientisty guy.

I think he was a teacher.

Must be extra tough for those guys because they're like, so like, you haven't gotten into a fight since you were 7, and then you're gonna get a gun and try to like kill a high-level person. What a step up.

Well, he shot a Secret Service guy.

Really?

In the vest.

Yeah.

Oh shit. I don't know who shot who.

Oh really?

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

You're saying the Secret Service guy shot himself?

Not himself. It might have been friendly fire.

He was trying to get out.

It might have been friendly fire.

Was it that lady again?

Yes, I think so.

The lady with the hat. The one that looks like me?

We were joking around about it in the green room.

Imagine if she was like, I know I fucked up way back in July, but look guys, I'm better. I've been working out.

Yeah.

And then this is their second assignment.

Ooh, we didn't talk about this part yet. The tweet. This is the guy.

Oh yeah, the weird time machine tweet. Yeah, this is nuts. So the Cole Allen guy tried to kill Trump. It's not inside the White House though, right? It was at a hotel.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay. An ex-account for 2023 wrote a single tweet with that name.

With what?

So just wrote Cole Allen from 2023. The profile belongs to Henry Martinez, a NASA scientist who's missing. The background image from a website called Time Machine. If you de-digitize it, the 2024 assassination attempt photos appears, but with a hole in the head instead of the ear. The profile picture is a green toad in a tuxedo with a glass, exactly like Trump in the assassination attempt. Either it's the most elaborate psyop in history, or someone from the future is leaving clues in the past that only makes sense once the events happen. Okay.

Why does time travelers keep trying to kill me? I'm just—

But wait a minute. How is that picture the same? That is not the same. That's just a bunch of colors and you could decide it's the same.

No, you got to decode it.

Oh, it's like a matter of time.

You got to squeeze your eyes together.

I'll try.

It appears if you squeeze your eyes together.

I'm trying.

Sailboat.

What do you do? Like one of those things where you could see like words in a—

Yeah, it was always a sailboat or guitar.

Always. Vestas up there. Mallrats.

Do you think that makes sense, Jamie?

This picture part of it does not make a lot of sense, I don't think.

But it's weird that the guy is straight up— The tweet is nuts.

Yeah, the tweet is strange enough.

From 2 years ago. So he's trying to work up the courage for that one. 3 years. 2023. Yeah.

Yeah.

And then the fact that it's a frog, it's one of those kek guys, right? Those nutty fucking pranksters.

Well, I mean, he was just— tried to search somebody's name. He just got it right. He's just like, cool guy.

Is that the only tweet this guy ever made?

I think so.

Whoa.

There is a bunch of random Twitter accounts that have tweeted random names just one time. So I don't know, like What the odds of that happening are are pretty slim.

I believe these are the 8 guys we have trying to like work with mentally. So like one of them will be activated and try to kill somebody.

So let's get it right. Let's get it.

Yeah.

So that guy really was— is that factual though, that the guy really was a NASA scientist, Henry Martinez?

But well, so when the people were looking up his history, this— he had a brief, I think like an internship at JPL. NASA, you know, Jet Labs or something.

Yeah.

And I think the other guy did too. That— I don't know that anybody knows more than that.

It is weird where you find out a lot of these guys have these weird ties. Like, yeah, that guy who tried to shoot Trump in Pennsylvania was in a BlackRock commercial.

Oh yeah, it's all connected.

I did a lot of commercials when I was coming up, and BlackRock never— I didn't get an audition for any of those.

Yeah, right.

I don't know how you get that commercial.

I'd love to get that gig.

It's got to be non-union.

Not only that, like You definitely get brought into the fold.

Mm-hmm.

He was Teacher of the Year, this guy.

So did this guy get a shot off? Was he close enough to get a shot? Allegedly.

Jamie said allegedly he shot a Secret Service guy.

How are these guys getting so close?

But it might have been that lady, the fat lady.

Well, this guy shot him, maybe trying to get her gun out.

No shit. Oh, he might have been in trouble. P320. He might have shot himself.

She's handsome.

It's, it's just crazy that they don't have better security.

Yeah, what the hell?

How'd the guy get in the hotel with a gun? Like, how are you not checking every room? How are you not like checking everyone's bags if you know that the president and all Marco Rubio, all these fucking people are going to be there and you don't— and Oz the Mentalist— and you don't have someone checking guns?

Why is there better security at the Improv on Black Comic Night?

Yeah, throw up a metal detector.

Yeah, it's just crazy that they don't check for guns.

That's wild.

On a day where it's like the president is going to be there, you didn't check for guns?

I get it if it's like a UFC sniper or somewhere. It's like, we can't check everybody like that. It's like 20,000 people. But like, this is so small.

They're saying he did shoot him, but I don't— that's—

this was the first Secret Service agent did not shoot himself. I don't think there's any question what happened here.

That video they're playing is the AI video.

Yeah, that's—

well, no, this is the real video, which is blurry.

Wow.

AI, they enhanced it because this fucking hotel has shitty old cameras. Oh, which is crazy. So that guy got in with the guy. By the way, guy's putting in some fucking work there.

There's some speed. He's got wheels.

Yeah, he moves. That guy can move.

Half black.

Half black. Half black. Wah wah.

Teacher. He can shoot. Teachers, you know, they work at a school.

I mean, what did he think was going to happen? He was going to get past all the Secret Security guys, get through the crowd, find Trump behind the stage, and shoot him? Like, how did he think he was going to get to him?

I think these guys don't think it out, but I bet they go like, I'm going to shoot him, then everyone's going to love me.

Yeah, they're gonna be Luigi or some shit.

It might be schizophrenia too.

Yeah.

Yeah, he might be out of his fucking mind, but he lived, right?

He's in jail.

Yeah, he lived.

The guy who shot Reagan was like, Taxi Driver told me to do it.

Well, he rules.

Yeah, so it was like, not all bad.

He's out.

Was that Hinckley?

Yeah, Hinckley's out playing music. Yeah, I think we've covered this on that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he was inspired by Jodie Foster. Jodie Foster made him shoot. There it is.

I will be your man.

Oh, that's a threat. Oh yeah, 2023, recent, recent release. Can't wait. Let's hear 2020.

I like his job title.

Let's hear criminal. I want to hear I will be your man. Let's see what Hinckley's— what his jams are like.

You're gonna have to pay for this.

We have to pay for that?

No, I don't think I have to edit that.

Okay.

Oh man.

He's got his name on the guitar just in case you don't know who shot Lincoln.

Ah, shoot him.

Oh yeah, he's trying to—

I misunderstood.

That's what MKUltra does to a man.

Yeah, he looks like his brain's been washed. Yeah. Like they just poured bleach in his ears.

Yeah, they're gonna release MKUltra files this week, I think.

Yeah, I bet.

Yeah, they were supposed to release UFO files.

A lot of black lines coming in that one.

Yeah, whatever happened to the fucking UFO files?

Did he do Kennedy yet? Did Kennedy out?

No.

What?

What, JFK?

Yeah, yeah, turns out there's some stuff in there that we couldn't see.

CIA.

Yep, maybe some other ones.

Congresswoman Anna Paulina Luna announces House hearings on MKUltra next month.

What is that, a gang?

No, I did see it.

You don't know what that is?

That's the mind control experiments that the CIA did in the 1960s.

People going to hookers. Good, honest people going to hookers. They took advantage of them.

That's one part of it. Yeah, that was Operation Midnight Climax.

They ran brothels.

Good name.

Great name.

What a good name. Solid name. Yeah, that's, that's before— that's absolutely proven. That's all from a Freedom of Information Act request and from some documents that they found.

What's the guy's name that was like the head of MKUltra?

Jolly West.

Yeah, and then he went and saw Jack Ruby.

And yeah, Jack Ruby went crazy. Yeah, so it's saying they were lighting Jews on fire. I'm in hell. Like, they gave him acid. Yeah, he's also— he was connected to Manson. Yeah. Yeah, like this guy was running mind control operations all throughout the country.

Wow.

They ran brothels where they gave the johns acid, and the ladies would come out and give the johns acid, and they would watch through a two-way mirror and then film them.

Whoa.

See how they react.

Fucking hell of a night at the brothel.

Yeah, I know, right?

So sick.

This lady's pussy is outrageous.

That's talking to me.

Trying to get laid, next thing you know, you're fucking seeing Jesus.

Seeing Jesus.

Is that a candle?

You lean into it. That's a good night.

Right?

Trying to get a hooker, you go, oh.

If you lean into it.

Meanwhile, your wife's at home waiting for the milk Brad, come back.

I'm supposed to be gone for 30 minutes.

I'm just trying to get a headshot.

It's the worst lie ever. The CIA, they drugged me. What do you want?

How many marriages would completely dissolve if prostitution was totally legal?

Uh, it'd be a lot easier to do.

Are they talking? That's the thing.

Are the hookers talking?

Yeah.

No, but guys are bad at covering up.

It's like Uber ratings, you know?

Oh, that would—

you know what I'm saying? Like, some Uber drivers, they won't shut the fuck up.

They never want to see my passenger score.

Yeah, I don't want an XL either.

Oh, for prostitutes, you know? But I mean, if they, if they made prostitution completely legal, yeah, and then they had scores, do you don't think gals would do it? I think they would. I think there'd be plenty of gals ready to sign up. Yeah, prostitution was only—

and it's illegal.

How so? Oh yeah, they are.

So of course if you took down the barriers, yeah, they would keep doing it.

Isn't it legal in New York City now? Prostitution?

Yeah, kind of.

I've never been caught.

What is the— how many guys you've blown?

Motherfucker, I was a guest in this.

Yeah, it was right there.

Yeah, it was a little kiss in that beard right there.

Um, but they did do something where they like decriminalized sex work in New York.

Yeah, I think you're right.

Yeah, let's find out.

J-Mo, sex work. I love when they read in for that.

They always have unhoused—

it's sex work until one of them is fucking your husband, then it's a hooker.

Exactly. If you call a girl a whore, she gets mad. Like, which one is it?

Sex worker. Call a girl sex— you're a fucking sex worker. Hey, that's a legitimate impression.

It's a pretty funny way to do it.

Yeah.

Prostitution is illegal in New York City, but enforcement and politics around sex work are in flux.

Oh yeah, flux.

With active debates about decriminalization and new protections for sex workers and trafficking survivors.

Anyone else?

Well, that's kind of crazy, isn't it? If you have protection for the survivors So you're saying that they're victims, but then you're also decriminalizing it. So you're making it okay to do, but you're saying that they're victims?

And like, when it's where it is legal, they go like, no one's going to abuse you because you can go, you don't need a pimp, right? Public here, right?

Probably. So that's— well, listen, if you can give someone a massage, you should be able to jerk them off, which doesn't make any sense.

They got that right, Robert Kraft.

Poor guy.

Old bastard.

I met that guy. You can't help think about that when you're shaking his hands, like, sorry they got you, sir. Sorry, the guy, just a normal thing.

Could happen to so many people.

100%. They set him up.

He wasn't even getting laid.

No, it's handy.

Oh, and he's like, I never got a massage handy.

Me neither.

Every single massage I got, I've been like, you should have responded to those obscene emails.

There's an app for it now called, uh, Tug or something.

I don't think so. Don't ruin it for everybody.

Get on it.

Somebody told me how to figure out which one of the handjob places, which one are real. Epstein told me, he goes, uh, huh, you know what, no, uh, no, yeah, yeah. And he goes, you know the ones with like locks on the door? Because that— there's no business doesn't want you in there. If you have to buzz in, they're like, hold on, I'll stop jerking, there's a cop here.

My friend goes on a lunch break, like it's pretty popular in New York.

People are totally— when I moved to Philly, every single person was like, yeah, that's normal, totally normal.

Are the girls gross?

They're Asian.

I think there's a range.

And sometimes you get like a Ukrainian skank.

Nice fucking sex slaves.

Yeah, could you imagine though?

Skank, you have some respect for yourself, whore.

How many relationships would just completely dissolve if prostitution was 100% legal?

I think, yeah, I'll tell you, Thailand, it pretty much is. And girls fuck on the first date.

Oh, date?

You're taking them out?

No, not those regular girls, because like, if I make you wait, you're just gonna get a hooker.

Really?

So like, I better put out.

I like that competition.

They seem a little looser sexually anyway in Thailand. Yeah, you know, with the whole ladyboy thing and—

right, they're pretty chill with everything.

Yeah, they're pretty relaxed except for kicking the shit out of people. They're really good at that.

They're really good at that.

They're really— it's weird, weird, like a laid-back society so good at fucking people up with martial arts.

You ever look at ladyboys using their training like before they turn into full ladyboys?

Pull it up.

They train kickboxing.

Well, ladyboys do Muay Thai too.

When they were younger.

Goddamn.

There was one famous one that transitioned to a woman but kept fighting men and started getting fucked up because now she didn't have any hormones anymore and/or balls. And so she's just getting the shit kicked out of her as a girl when she was dominating as a guy.

Wow.

It's kind of sad. Like the one thing that you're really good at other than sucking guys' dicks is fucking people up.

I know you can't do that. No, I meant on the streets.

See, that's a guy.

I'm in on the streets.

Oh wow, is it? Yes, that's a guy. Oh right, that's a guy.

Ladyboy.

That's a guy dressed like a girl.

No, I'm in on the streets. Like if you pick on one of the streets, they all come after you, but then they use their training. Oh yeah, no, they gang up and kick the box the shit out of you, and you're like, I just wanted to beat up a hooker.

Why are these half men coming at me?

These dainty, dainty men.

All right, you need a drink.

I got one.

Oh, okay.

Hey, hey, we're back, comedy baby!

We're back!

The park!

Being saved, dude, all over Latin America. Anytime I got recognized, they'd be like, they'd be like, when are we gonna get another Protect Our Parks? I'm like, I'm not really in the area right now. As soon as I'm out of Uruguay, I'll let them know.

Yeah, I would get questions from people. It was always that same. When's the next Protect Our Parks? Anytime I run into someone somewhere globally too.

Australia, I got it. New Zealand, I got it. It's all over.

It is fun though when somebody like last week, somebody's like, I was like April 30th.

What? Yeah, keep it quiet.

I did that.

Yeah, it's very fun.

The world needs us.

Oh yeah, it's good to be back.

Goofy-ass fake fucking world out there.

I can't believe how many we've done.

Cannons.

Cannons. We got that going for us.

I wonder— I want to talk to that guy. I want to find out what happened. Interview that Indian fella. Yes, apparently they're saying he got fired. Is that what the story is, Jamie? He got fired, then he just made up—

you can't just make a public post on your— your boss tried to fuck you anymore. Not anymore.

It all changed.

I think it was a lawsuit that was filed.

I don't—

I'm not saying that the lawsuit is fake, like he— but there's really like— it's horseshit is what people are saying.

Oh, does the lady still work there?

I believe what I read was that JP Morgan investigated, didn't find it credible, and she still works there.

Yeah, that doesn't seem—

I wonder how she got out of that.

If I was a guy, I don't think we're gonna put you on leave while we look this up.

100%.

And then like Trevor Bauer, like, oh, he found out it's fake, like, can I get my job back? Like, Like, nah.

He works for the Long Island Ducks.

Trevor Bauer is a Cy Young, the highest award for a pitcher.

Phenom.

He got some chick, pretty much told all her friends, like, I'm gonna go get money out of that guy.

Yep, we got the text message.

Yeah, he kind of proved it all. But Dodgers, was it Dodgers? I don't remember. It was like, hey, I don't really care anymore.

Brewers.

Brewers?

No, I don't remember.

Moved to Japan.

Moved to Japan, tried to pitch there. And he's like, I'm good. He told MLB, he goes, I'll pitch for free. And I'm a Saiyung winner.

And everyone's like, that's crazy, $300 million. Yeah, now he's playing for the Miners in Long Island.

He loves playing.

Oh my God.

Yeah.

And what happened to her?

I think she got like a slap on the wrist.

Yeah, I think she was like— he was like, don't come after me anymore, don't come after anybody else anymore.

That's it.

She did photos with black eyes, she got makeup done. He beat me up, he beat the shit out of me. It was all made up.

It's a crazy story.

Monsters out out there.

Crazy.

But the crazier thing is like, if you are the— if it is a Dodgers, say it is, to not go, hey dude, we were fooled, I'm sorry. Yeah, here's your contract back.

He should sue them.

How old is he now though? He's lost years of his career. Yeah, probably over, right?

Yeah, he's still great. He just pitched a no-hitter.

I mean, really?

Yeah, it's exciting.

Um, so space—

how old is he, Jamie?

35.

That's crazy because like when it all happened with him, he's 35.

He's 35 now.

It was about, it was about 8 or 9 years ago, wasn't it?

Uh, 2020, 2021 is when he was suspended.

5 years ago was suspended. So he lost his prime. That's prime.

Ruined his life. He had just won the Cy Young.

He's just won it.

Brutal.

God. Oh my God.

So sad.

All she gets is a slap on the wrist.

Crazy.

He was pretty much like, go away.

She violated some part of the settlement and had to pay him $300 grand.

Oh, that'll cover his fucking monthly whatever.

Yeah, the zin.

Jesus Christ, that's a couple zins out of it. Yeah, she only got fined $300 grand. She cost him $300 million.

Exactly.

Oh my God, that's crazy.

Whatever you accuse someone of, if it's fake, you should get that punishment.

We're trying to— No, I completely agree. Yeah. Absolutely. That's never the case though.

Well, she can't play for the Dodgers.

Bah! Who was he with? That's the thing that bothered me about this. It was the Dodgers?

Yeah.

When that happened, it was the Dodgers. Fake sports fan.

He's been on a bunch of teams though.

Why did I think it was the Brewers? Because it was last night. Just Bauer.

Bauer Brewers.

So if he went to jail for it, that's what she should go to jail for. Because if she's accusing him of sexual assault.

He was, I think she was just suing him, suing him. And then public, public whatever, destruction of reputation. Yeah.

Oh my God, that's awful.

Poor guy. You should have him on. I would. That'd be a great convo.

Yeah, that'd be cool.

Call at me, son.

He's also, I think, pretty funny.

No way. Yeah, bro, you got to get a sense of humor after that. If you survive that, you survive that, I bet you have a wicked sense of humor.

Planet Japan where they all have tiny strike zones.

Yeah, that's one thing I think we could all attest to.

It's not the only thing.

You survive a cancelation, you come out on the other end just a little bit more Funny. Yeah, a little funny.

Yeah, nothing really.

A little more pop. A little more pop to the punchlines.

He's throwing 102 in Japan.

Yeah, look at Kanye.

Kilometers an hour is that.

Kanye recovers from getting canceled to have the biggest concerts in human history. Yeah, so far standing on top of the world with clouds.

Yeah, Bill Cosby must be amazing right now.

He's blind though, he can't read his notes.

Ah, oh, it's tough to read off a teleprompter. Her blind comic.

But I don't think he ever read anyway. I think he was all in his memory anyway. But he— I, I don't even know if he writes, if he— or if he just like sits down and comes up with these stories, because he's like a story guy.

Yeah, he is pretty good. I heard an album, it was like, it really paints a picture. But then you're like, then you listen to like Kinnison and you're like, oh, this guy Cosby is very slow.

Yeah, it's a different style. It's like listening to, you know, John Denver versus Metallica.

You can't, you know, solid comparison.

Yeah, you got to be in the mood. Yeah, both good. Rocky Mountain High.

Blasting it last night, bro.

That fucking concert in Moscow.

100.

Yeah, it's the best ever.

That is the greatest fucking thing. We don't watch it. We don't do it. Fuck yeah, Norman, don't be scared of the loop of that. Fine, that's fine.

People haven't listened to the song in a year.

It's a yearly reminder.

We're gonna close out with a live Freebird from '77.

Fuck you.

Did you get me a beer?

Here it is.

Look at this. Oh God, we're doing it again. Why'd you do that?

Déjà vu.

Imagine how pumped these people are. Communism is dead for a little bit and then Metallica's on stage.

It's so sad that rock is dead.

We were talking about that.

Yeah, it's all queefy now.

When was the last time? Where's the new rock bands? The new Zeppelin?

White Stripes been around for a while. There's some smaller bands.

Right, but where's the big ones? It used to be Van Halen. It used to be the biggest part of music. Rolling Stones, Shredder, AC/DC.

Yeah, I know.

I mean, Aerosmith. It used to be the biggest part of music was rock and roll. What the fuck? That's kind of crazy.

Nice.

Bodega Cat, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. Find bodegas all across Manhattan.

You got that right, fatty. Get a bottle. But yeah, now it's country. Country's huge.

Country's huge, which is fine, but what happened to rock?

I know.

I love country. I have no problem with country getting huge. Yeah, what happened to rock?

What happened to rock?

Who are the biggest—

they said garage bands are coming back with kids, which just kind of means nature is healing. Yeah, that's a good sign.

Yeah, kids are tired of playing video games, want something real. But the, uh, the, the thing about the— that doesn't make sense about rock music is everybody still loves it, right? Everybody still plays covers.

Making it—

Oasis is doing giant arenas all over the country.

I took acid at that Oasis concert.

Acid. Really?

Chicago.

Chicago.

I got MK Ultra.

Yeah, I was just watching the concert like, oh, how fun is music on acid?

It's the best.

See, I've done acid since college. I might go shroom now.

Acid, it'll get away from Grateful Dead's entire career.

I see how it worked.

I mean, apparently if you listen to the Dead on acid, it's a totally different—

they were playing to acid. Yeah, yeah, like they weren't playing for you to not like it on acid.

You're supposed to like—

if you guys are on acid, let me entertain you for a second. Yeah, you're supposed be on acid.

It's like those, uh, ayahuasca Icaros. You listen to them normally, they're not that interesting, but if you're tripping on DMT, they're pretty fucking incredible.

I got some of Roger Waters. We were doing a podcast here, me, Scourge, and Bert, and you, and then you're like, what are you doing tomorrow? You want to stay? Roger Waters is playing. I was like, oh, I gotta— it's so funny. It's like, I was like, I gotta leave. You go, why? I'm like, uh, yeah, I don't know, but I'm like, but my hotel, I have to check out tomorrow.

He goes, extended. You were my personal guest.

Roger Waters changed Ari's flight to the next day, and I was like, yeah, all right. But then it was like, I gotta find acid on one day's notice.

Yeah, you gotta shout out Roger Waters because he was way ahead of everybody calling out the genocide. Way ahead of him. He was doing a long time, a long time ago calling out how they're treating the Palestinians.

He really got kicked up.

He's a little frosty with the Heebes though, is he not?

He got frosty with me.

Oh, there you go.

He got frosty with you.

He was livid at me.

Oh, that was— you were fucking with him. He was on acid and he was fucking with them after the show. We were all hanging out and Roger was drinking drinking. This is, uh, it was Sober October.

We had a one-day permission to do one thing. Come on, guys, I'll give you guys each a drink if you let me do one, one piece of paper.

I chose the devil's cabbage. I was scared of the acid because who knows where it came from.

Sure.

I'm like, all right, I got a business to run, I can't go crazy right now.

I did some. Tony's ex did some. And I remember we were back at the hotel and I was looking at this picture and I was like, damn, this is a crazy video.

Was full-on weeping in the middle of the concert. Yeah, full-on. This is amazing.

He came up and sat next to me and I'm like, what's wrong with Ari?

Freaking out. I'm like, dude, are you okay?

I was not okay.

He didn't even know what the dose was. He just took whatever the guy gave him.

It was fresh too. I had to let it dry in the AC of the car over there and hold it on my bed and let it dry.

So it was like a blotter paper.

Blotted. Yeah, it was so good.

See, that's the thing with that, you don't know when it's going to end.

You don't know where it came from.

Also, you don't really know when it's going to start. I took a little, I took a little, and I was like, shit's not working, give me another one.

Oh boy, that old move.

I stared at a painting in my hotel room for 12 hours.

You know how many guys have ruined their fucking entire life by doing that with edibles? Yeah, gotten that second one, I don't feel shit. That second one, and then they can't escape.

This is how those stories start. Every time you're like, maybe I'll take the other half, and they roll right into schizophrenia land.

In my early—

maybe your mom's not really your mom.

Yeah, early years of comedy, I pitched a show and Lionsgate picked it up. Yeah. And I flew out, they flew me out to LA to pitch the show to Netflix and Amazon. It was the biggest deal of my life. And the night before, I did Tripoli's show, and he gives you a bag of weed stuff, you know. And I was like, I can't do weed, I'm a wuss, I'm a lightweight. He goes, well, take some CBD. And I go, okay, I'll do that. I want to get some sleep. Sleep. So I chugged a bottle of CBD and it was THC. Oh, I woke up, the bed was vertical, I was hanging on to the post. It felt like the carpet was sinking with me.

I was holding on to the chair. I had to—

I skipped it. I couldn't go, it was too high. I was high for like 14 hours.

Oh yeah, you should have went.

My manager's like shaking me like, you gotta go. And I'm like, I can't do it, I can't face it.

Like Lisa, yeah, so funny.

You should have went. I— oh God, I would have shoved my hand up your ass and operated you like a puppet. I would have made you go.

I would have sold like Duncan Trussell's show if I showed up. But I couldn't face him and I think they dropped me after that.

Duncan is the absolute best at saying like fucking around. Like he was going, hold on, I just got a text from my wife's boyfriend. How's he doing? Not good. Turns out he's got syphilis. Poor guy. I hope he gets better. Just casual.

There's nothing worse than getting that high. Like McCusker used to make weed gummies when we lived together. He would make homemade.

Wow.

He would like try to make gummies. It was crazy. And then I'd just be sitting there playing Xbox and he'd be like, here, take some of these. And I'd just try them out. Uh, but one time he left. I did a show at a casino outside of Philly. He gave me a bag of gummy bears. Obviously I got fucking hammered and I was just in my hotel room. Just ate them. I just ate as many as I could.

Did you know that they were pot gummy bears? I just think they did.

But you didn't stop.

I was hammered.

I was like, no, no, no, no, no.

They're so good. I just killed that fucking hotel lobby.

That was great. And then I woke up and it was in a casino with no— my room had no windows. It was in the fucking basement. And I didn't know my buddy was also— I was like, you can sleep in my room. He's on the floor. He's this kid that opened for me. In the morning, I woke up and I was still high as fuck. And I was just like, ah!

Ah!

In the darkness, I hear somebody like, Shane?

I was like, ah!

That's something—

waking up high is wild.

Wake up high sucks. I was like, who's here?

Who's in here?

You remember the days where Joey Diaz would have people in the church of What's Happening Now? When he would swap out the 25mg edibles for 250s.

He did it to me. There's like a package like this, whatever, and I see it, it says 25. I'm like, you know what, I'm a 10 guy, but when I'm with Darius, I'll go 25. And then I ate it, but then something nags in your head. You're like, why was it 25? It was like, why was it open? Why was it tilted a little?

Right.

And then I was just like, kept talking, and I was like, picked it off, and you just see 250.

Oh, Joey, you killed me. Oh, he would do Lee Syatt 500s. He would get 2 500s. We just got Lee again on 4. We did a 4 20 episode, and Lee was like, oh yeah, back to that Indy 500.

500 milligrams?

Yeah, it's crazy, dude. It blows.

You know what's crazy? Jamo— Jamie can do 1,000 and it barely hits him.

Shut up.

Is that true? You have no body fat?

No, no, no, he's got some weird enzyme.

You got to go with a slice of pizza or something.

Doesn't work on everything, man.

Wow. Okay, fair.

Damn.

Yeah, it just doesn't work with his spectrum-y.

Yeah, anything more than some people—

everyone's brain— his super brain just shuts it off. Like, nope, not interested.

Bye.

Wow.

Mine does not, dude. If I take 10 milligrams, I'm like, oh, you're like wearing it.

Same.

Well, the UFCs are always great. We take like 50 in just like 6 hours.

Well, you guys took acid at the UFC before.

We were up in the bad seats. We took acid, and me, Red Band, and Diaz, and then Rogan. It was kind of early on, and Rogan's like, where are you guys? We're like, we're up there. And he's like seeing us like, are you guys flying? We're like, we're fucked, dude. He's like, where?

He goes, half of my day was thinking about them being on acid watching these crazy fights.

Can you imagine?

So it made me jealous. It felt like the Colosseum.

Yeah, Forrest Griffin came in and everyone's cheering. I'm like, why are you cheering? You might get hurt, you animals.

This is like 2005 then. Yeah, yeah.

I just seen Brock Lesnar on acid.

Terrifying, bro.

He's a warrior, that guy, bro. Like a Viking.

You ever see his daughter? Yeah, his daughter's a champion shot putter.

Yeah.

What?

What?

No, wait, she's a fucking athlete.

Oh, shot put.

She throws that iron bar.

He thought I was shooting a gun, bro.

She's like—

she looks like a flop.

You gotta see her. Definitely related.

Watch her.

Yeah, 100%.

Watch the video. So go to— get to it. See if you can find a video.

She's a beautiful, sturdy, beautiful woman.

Mark's talking shit.

I agree with Shane. I have nothing but respect for you and your family.

Oh, she's a fine, sturdy, she looks like a woman.

I know you.

Look at this.

Whoa, pale honky, bro.

That's crazy. Imagine blowing your shoulder out trying to fucking throw that thing. Imagine her grabbing in your balls.

Can't get over the line.

Make a warrior with those jeans.

Yes.

What's the mom look like, huh?

She's hot.

She's just a—

she's a pro wrestler.

She's a fucking Transformer.

She's Optimus Prime.

Get the mom.

The mom is hot. Oh yeah, he got all— she got all Brock's jeans, right?

That's the mom.

Oh yeah, that's right.

Whoa, that's the Sable is so hot.

That's what I'm talking about, the puppies. But bro, look at his jeans. Those jeans dominate.

Nice cannons.

Those are Viking jeans. That's why Iceland looks the way it is. Viking jeans.

Oh, is that them now? Yeah.

Oh hell yeah, she's 10 years older than she was.

Sable, she looks great. She's got a bit of a bulge though on the right.

That's her hands.

Oh God, you never know.

Really risking it with—

I love you, Brock.

Brock Lesnar's gonna fucking kill you.

He doesn't care. He's writing your name down with crayons right now.

He's got that sword tattoo right here. Just a real warrior.

Yeah, he said he got drunk and didn't remember it and woke up, was like, what the fuck did I do?

Yeah, right. You just regret it. That's a lame tattoo. You just regret it.

For sure.

For sure.

Well, Steve-O's got a dick on his forehead. Yeah, but is that right?

Fun. Yeah, he's got tattoos on an ATV.

He was on the podcast and it was like first couple of minutes and I was I was like, do you have a dick tattoo above your eyebrows?

Yeah, I've done his pod. I didn't notice that.

Good impression.

It must be new.

I missed it.

Yeah, it's pretty new. He was on a few months ago.

Yeah, J-Mo.

Not even.

New Jackass coming next month.

Yeah, look.

Oh wow, man, what a lunatic.

Wow. Yeah, I wouldn't recommend.

Post Malone tattooed him. Post Malone tattoo artist.

That's— well, I don't think you have to be trained.

Dick's got quite a curve.

Of them.

Are there rules?

He might, he might actually know.

Are there any rules as to like who can do a tattoo?

I don't think so. So any age or whatever and like have a business?

Yeah, but you could just do it though. Do one to your friend.

That's not fear. You can just do it with pen.

Interesting, huh? Interesting.

Steve-O's a good egg.

He's a fun dude.

Steve-O rules.

He's a fun dude.

Jackass rules.

New jackets. I was so excited when I heard.

It was like, oh, they're doing another one.

June.

Oh, he played a bunch of the scenes where— and Knoxville did too— them all getting concussions. And I was like, how many? I asked Knoxville, how many times you've been out? He's like, at least 16. Wow, 16 times out cold.

It's funny when one of them gets like Reddit rapped for not going hard enough, like Knoxville did once, and he goes, fine, I'll step up and I'll literally blow a ball off. And then like— and like Danger had one where he's like, I'll be the one this time.

Knoxville always went so hard.

Yeah, it was bad. It was bad feedback. But they were like, you're protecting your face too much. It was like, all right, I'll show you. I asked, I asked Wee Man, I was like, who got PTSD this time? He was like, England. England's fucked forever now.

Oh yeah.

What?

Why?

Because they put him in horrible situations.

What are they doing?

I don't know. I'm waiting to find out.

What, Jamie?

I'm talking about this one because the last one they got him.

No, they got Danger Aaron last time bad with the bear and shit where you could tell he's like, this is never going to leave.

And they fucked donkey in the one. That was terrifying. Yeah, he just walked up behind one. The goal was to get him bucked in the nuts. Yeah, he's just behind him like shaking, and they're all making fun of him.

And the donkey kicked him.

Yeah, got him right in the balls hard.

Oh my God, dude.

They have to get into a room. He obviously knew something was happening.

He knew something's up. He just can't be—

he looks great.

He does look pretty good.

Nice skin.

He's a handsome guy.

Hey, so he's in the room strapped to a table, doing like an electric chair, shocking him. He's like, come on, stop, it's annoying, but I get it.

And then what happens?

They cover him in honey.

Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And he's like, is that meat?

Yeah. What are you doing?

Relax.

The fucking honey's in my eye.

Oh, oh God, I love those. Oh shit, that's something so Oh my God, he's got a chain on the bear.

Uh, uh, keep watching it.

The chain is probably just so they could pull them off.

Yeah, stay calm.

Oh, he's gonna lick him.

The chain's not attached to anything.

That's a good point.

Chain's free.

Talk to it, Aaron. Try to calm it down.

Oh, this is wild.

Child.

This is crazy.

Oh no, are you really allergic to bees, Aaron? Oh, he's trembling.

And then they shock him. What? Shocking him?

I didn't even get the answer.

All right, we can't really watch.

Oh, is that like salmon?

Oh my God.

Oh, this is Crazy.

He's so frightened.

Oh, he's got the paw. There's nothing more in there.

There is though.

There's nothing more in there.

That's not so bad.

What if he just came?

You see his pants get wet?

They fucked with him real bad though.

This was like—

get him out, get him out.

So it's a trained bear, sort of though, but it's a bear. Yeah, yeah.

You know what's nice is Bam. They let Bam back in the group.

Oh good.

Oh really?

He's in the next one.

He's like skating again.

Yeah, yeah, it's Westchester. Get there.

So what happened to him? He just went off the rails. Drugs, pills, pills, Philly stuff. Now he's back. He's back. Come back. Let's go.

Bam rules.

There's a video, there's a video I saw, and it was like, uh, asking all the Jackass people who can skate. People like, oh, Wee Man's pretty good. And then someone's like, no, Danger Aaron's pretty good. And then just starts the crowd just going, it's Bam!

Yeah.

And then Jon Knoxville's like, I can do an ollie. Like, it's Bam!

Man was good.

I met him a bunch when I was going to college.

Really? Really?

Yeah, I went to college in Westchester where they all were. So like, yeah, you'd see him around town. He was just the nicest. Yeah, he was always just the man.

He owned that town, huh?

Oh yeah, purple Lambo, you'd see it. It'd be at the fucking Wawa. You'd be like, holy fuck, Bam's here. Holy fuck.

Holy—

with his eyeliner.

Yeah, I drove by, uh, Castle Bam this— you know the house there?

Viva la Bam.

Right where I lived when we were filming Tires. I lived right next next to it, and I would occasionally just drive over and look at it.

Yeah, every kid's dreams. Skateboard shit in the back.

He did some trick that was off a bridge onto a moving bus and then off the bus onto the ground.

I think you're thinking of the video game.

Oh, I love the game.

Maybe, but no, this was real.

Bam's dad got fucked pretty hard though.

What happened?

Well, he would just punch him in the face for no reason.

Yeah, Phil, he would just wake him up and just start punching him in the face. It was great.

Sweetest man on the planet.

She came out.

I'm sleeping.

CKY.

Fucking crazy that those guys did that for so long. Oh yeah, that seemed like a thing you could only do like once.

Hell, they're still going.

Yeah, the first places I ever did stand-up and hosted my own show was his bar in Westchester.

Whoa.

The Note.

Like, how old are they? Like, how old is Steve-O?

He's got to be 50.

Yeah, 50.

Here, look what the—

yeah, what are you gonna do to him?

Oh, oh, the dad finally gets his revenge.

He's hiding behind the door.

Yeah, that's all right. Yeah, Jackass rules.

Yeah, hell yeah, that's the best. It's the best comedies.

That was just crazy that those guys made a career doing that. Yeah, yeah, that became famous just fucking each other up.

We all copied them. Me and my friends were outside filming us jumping into trees off the roof and shit.

Totally.

It was—

we all were like, this is the cool coolest thing ever.

Yeah, they all had to be— they were the first ones like, don't do this. Anyway, that's the legal part.

Now watch and try to do it.

This shit's fun.

We're having a blast though. You should try it, but don't do it legally.

Yeah. How is the new Fear Factor? I know Knoxville's hosting. I haven't seen it. Knoxville? Yeah, he came on to promote it. Yeah, he was hosting the new Fear Factor.

It's very nice. I love Jackass so much.

Yeah, me too.

He's a good dude. Dude, Johnny Knoxville's a really nice guy.

Coolest. Yeah, although his dick is broken. That sucks.

I think it's fixed. Oh great, I think they fixed that nowadays. Just stem cells.

Fucking everyone's getting them.

I got them.

So everyone's getting dicks these days.

Wait, you got stem?

Yeah.

Whoa, what does that mean?

Ways to— I don't know, it's been one day. I don't know.

How do you feel?

I feel fine.

Did you see that thing that I sent you today? No. I sent you an article there, this— with this video. This lady is saying that the the one operation that has the least amount of success and is the most unnecessary is meniscus operations. Mm, I had one too.

I couldn't walk though. What do you mean? I had to do it.

They said rehabilitation is better, like keeping the tissue in there and rehabbing it is better than having it removed.

Interesting.

Yeah, I don't know. I had, I had mine removed on my left leg. Yeah, but it does fuck with me more than my right leg.

And what you have in the right leg?

Just, I have a tear, meniscus tear, but I just left it. Yeah, I tore it doing a kicking contest with Joe Schilling. Whoa, with jeans on.

You're in Jackass.

We were— he just wanted to see who could kick harder. Like, he heard I kick really hard. He's a world champion kickboxer, so he wanted to kick this thing and he wanted me to kick it. I did it with jeans on.

What'd you do, a bag of your arcade?

We have this machine in the back.

Yeah, hit it and it shows you like your meniscus on that because you fucking—

I wailed, rocked that with no warm-up at all at 52 years old.

Just fucking slammed Joe Shelley came in 3 hours early and stretching.

No, he didn't. He did no warm-up either.

That would be a great jackass. Joe Rogan kicks you.

Yeah, he had Butterbean punch him. It's the hardest thing to watch too because he was already rocked and fucked up and then Butterbean put him out and they're in like a Target or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They have the craziest— the extra level though is it's not just somebody, it's Butterbean punching you, or it's not just taking a slap shot, it's somebody from the Predators fucking snap shotting it at your face.

Oh, that's right. He had Francis Ngannou punch him in the balls.

The cup test.

Oh God. I just kept telling them like, like, your fighter's gonna come today, and they didn't tell him it's Francis Ngannou. Oh my God.

Oh my God.

Oh, there he is. This is, this is mean. I mean, this is too far. I can't watch that.

Yeah, you can watch it. All right, let's watch it. Watch this. And Francis doesn't even hold back.

Oh, I mean, that's gonna ruin your junk.

Oh dude, that kind of pain is crazy. Also, that's a terrible cup. That's a shitty cup.

No one should ever doubt Danger ever again.

Watch this one more time. Oh my God, all of his 265 pounds.

The realization on his face, it's like, it's worse than I thought it was gonna be, and it's real, bro.

It's like getting hit by a car right on your dick. That's brutal, right?

Look at the eyes change.

And the thing about those shitty cups is sometimes those shitty cups hit nut. Like, the cup actually— your balls are kind of like poking out the side a little bit, and the cup slams in here.

It's also—

it's not— they just got this at Target on the way to this.

Yeah, yeah, right.

It was fitted.

They were just like, just give me one real solid cup with the compression shorts.

See, Gen Z or Gen Alpha will never have a jackass.

You don't think so?

No, I think they're too mean.

But what about these streamers that keep getting beat up?

Yeah, they're okay.

Oh, is that— is that a thing?

Yeah, these streamers like picking fights with people and getting punched.

All right, all right.

Yeah, there's a lot of streamers that are getting that fuck beaten out of them. Yeah.

In a good way?

Well, I mean, they're getting— they're provoking people and occasionally they provoke the wrong person.

They Fight Club it until somebody picks a fight back with them.

There's this one with Tiki. Tiki fought for the UFC. He's like a top-level trainer, manages fighters, and this streamer kid is in his face telling him he's gonna fuck him up. And Tiki's like, oh really? And he's like, yeah, I'll fuck you up for sure. And then he like moves too close to him and Tiki just cracks him.

He's like, oh, elbow?

No, I think he punched him. I don't know if he elbowed him or punched. It's so hard to tell because it happened so fast. But it's like the dude's in his face, and this is a dude, this guy, watch this, and he's got a drink in his hand. Yeah, is it an elbow? Slow that down a little bit.

That was right on the jaw.

Let's— it either is a punch or an elbow. It's hard to say because it happened so fast.

Yeah, it's an elbow. Nice elbow. What did he say to him?

Nice elbow.

I'm sure that was an elbow.

He said he was gonna fuck him up. He said he's gonna slap him. I'll slap the shit out of you or something like that.

No, but is that just cause the—

yeah, I thought he's the wrong guy to fuck with, right? Like, Tiki's really good. Tiki Masala, he's big.

I wouldn't even— if he didn't do UFC, I'd walk up to him and be like, what are you gonna do, pussy?

Exactly.

Crazy.

I knew to drop it. It was—

and he's holding whiskey.

Yeah, well, that's probably why he didn't punch him until the second, but he dropped it. He let it go.

Yeah.

Oh really?

Nice technique. One more time on that.

One more time.

That was a hook the kid because like really, well, the elbow's just as powerful, dude, especially coming out of tiki. So let's see what he says to him. He said a bunch of shit to him. What I said straight up, are you the guy that got slapped on video? I did, but I'll slap the shit out, you know.

I'm gonna show you the inside of this.

I'll do that. Seriously, I'll do that.

Oh, there's your—

These, some of these streamers, man, they make their whole fucking career out of doing stuff like that.

He got up.

Who's that guy?

Wow, he got up.

It's hard to say what's going on.

Or is that the bouncer?

Oh, it's hard to say what's happening.

It is hard to say. It's not him that got up, it's some other— it's a girl or something.

Well, I think he probably got up too because I see the black jacket. Yeah, but it seems like he ran in there. That's him, right? Ran in there after him and threw a couple punches at him.

I mean, the fact that he took that is pretty impressive. I would have gone night night.

Yeah, but you wouldn't have been there.

I wouldn't—

you wouldn't have been going, I'll fucking knock you out.

I would have never done that in the first place. The whole thing's crazy.

I'd be like, hey, he was talking more shit on the way up.

But there's so many of these guys that are picking fights. They're just doing anything they can to get attention, to go viral.

Damn, it's like a nightmare walking down the street and someone's like, what's up, bitch? Oh boy. Well, I'm gonna look like a pussy. I'm not gonna—

I hate those. It's some guy with his girlfriend at like Target and they just start mocking him and mocking the girl in front of forcing his hand. And it's like, dude, I'm just trying to Yeah, I want to fight you. Who are you?

That's how people get shot.

Yeah, for sure.

Yeah, you do it in the wrong place, it's terrible. But it's just these kids today, like, there's so many of them that are just trying to get famous. Like, the number one thing the kids want today is to get famous. You know, they used to like do a list— what do you want to do when you grow up? What are your goals? Like, a giant percentage of them are get famous.

That's true. What's up with that clavicular homo? You know, I'm talking about—

I think he's the opposite of a homo. Oh, I think his whole thing is looks maxing to get chicks.

That sounds gay to me. Looks maxing?

What is looks maxing?

Well, one of the things he does, apparently he hits his face with a hammer to put micro, micro breaks on his face to make his jaw—

that's just trans. You're just man-to-man trans.

There you go.

Oh, man-to-man.

Yeah, you've just altered your looks to make yourself more of a gender.

Wow.

Yes, interesting. Gender affirming.

Yeah, gender affirming. Is that trans for girls?

Yeah, let's do Do it.

Absolutely.

I like it.

No, don't take fake tits.

I'll leave fake tits, but you can't fucking make— because you can't be— it's gender affirming. If you're like, men look this way, then you're like, all right, so there's a separate— it's like you can be something you're not.

He gets laid though.

I'm sure.

Oh, I'm sure he does. He's a handsome fellow.

He's very handsome.

But he's like, apparently he does meth. Yeah, he talks about it because like he finds it better than Adderall for controlling his appetite.

That'll do it.

Like, this is the thing, like they want to be lean.

The wheels are going to come off.

Yeah, you can't do meth, but How about just self-will? I don't—

I overdosed the other day on stream.

Oh, that's easy. What do you overdose on?

I don't—

which one is he?

I don't—

that guy?

That's him. Yeah, he is handsome.

He's pretty handsome.

So what, did he just fall apart?

Oh, they took it off the camera, but yeah, he's just like falling down a cave.

He's about to be dead.

You know what, I actually saw this, and he was— what was cool about was how nice he was to everybody. Oh, like even while he's He's like overdosing. He's like, people are coming up, can I get a picture?

He's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's probably on Molly.

He looks like he's having a good time.

Definitely Molly.

Yeah, it could be Molly. That may be why he's so nice to everybody.

Yeah, that's not a K-hole. I've been in one of those. You don't smile.

Yeah.

Oh, really?

Oh, shit. But is that overdosing or is he just on it?

That's why it's— the clips are going around saying overdosing.

Yes, Max.

It's for tourists.

It's not overdosing.

He's fine.

Chester Maxing is so funny.

He's turned. Terms. Look, he's just got boy band.

Everything is toxic and dangerous.

Look at that.

Streamer looks maxing culture is tough. Culture.

What is gooning? Culture.

What is gooning?

Gooning is a thing.

We've had this argument.

What's gooning?

It's masturbating to just really obsessing over anything.

Okay.

Yeah.

So like a stalker is gooning.

Ooh, could be. I don't know if you're getting that right.

Double goon.

It just means like you're obsessed over something, which is what like masturbation all the time, and that has become like obsession. But I think it stayed with masturbation.

It's definitely just masturbating. It's all— it's basically just being as horny as you can fucking be, and it's very funny.

All right, it is. I'm good quite a bit in my day.

Yeah.

Oh yeah, you're a gooner.

I'm a gooner. Yeah.

All right, what? Can I get one of them beers?

Yeah, it's beer time.

I feel like one of those.

Joe Rogan's back.

Yeah, 8 months off the sauce.

Wow.

Moderation.

He went on a— he went on a—

moderation is the key.

He went on a drinking, uh, withdrawal until Trump said you could do mushrooms as well.

And then he goes, okay, fine, fine, I'll drink. What was that like, beating the Oval off?

Pretty fucking strange. The whole thing was strange. How about sending him a text message explaining everything to him and him saying, let's do it? Wow, dude, let's do it. And then the next day, that's his problem.

He keeps saying, yeah, let's do it. He's getting texts from Bibi. He goes, yeah, fuck it.

Yeah, it always works out for me. Hey, shut down the street.

Who gives a fuck?

He showed up at the UFC event. He shakes my hand. He goes, it's done.

What?

And then a week later, we were in the White House with all the vets, all those vets that had taken ibogaine and saved their life.

You should have had— okay, it's missed opportunity. You should have had all those vets and then a couple like dreadlocked white guys who are also like, this is gonna help me a lot too.

This is gonna fucking rule.

I should have had Duncan.

I should have Duncan. Duncan dressed like a shaman. Coming.

Everyone's gonna benefit from this with a hat on like you're wearing.

You should have wore that fucking hat with a suit behind the president.

Well, I had a suit jacket and everything. I was prepared, but it was in the other room. But he goes, come on in the Oval Office.

He—

so he brought me in the Oval Office early.

You were not wearing a suit? I didn't see—

I had a jacket, a suit. I didn't have it. I was gonna wear a tie, but I hate ties. I said, let me just dress like I dress at the UFC. I wore my UFC fucking outfit.

You were like Zelensky in a tracksuit.

No, I had a nice button-up shirt, nice pair of pants, nice dress shoes. I was respectable, but I just wasn't wearing a tie. And but I did have a suit jacket, but it was in the other room. But he dragged me into the Oval Office. Come over here, look at this, it looks so beautiful now. He's like showing me all the new gold work. The Oval Office has like gold everywhere now. It's like all gold leaf everywhere. It's pretty impressive.

Who designed it?

Him.

Oh yeah, he loves gold.

Definitely not the Persians.

Bin Laden loved old.

He loves it. He, he like loves doing up the Oval Office.

Shane and I took a tour.

Yeah, what?

Yeah, we took a tour of the White House.

When?

2 years ago? No, no, a year. A year.

Biden years?

No, no, Trump years. He wasn't there, so we got in, but they're like, you can't go into the Oval Office. And we're like craning our head in with like our feet just on the outside, like, hold my hand. Oh, saw the big Gulf of America.

Oh, this is back. Yeah, he had literally just had a map next to his desk that says Gulf of America.

You're like, it's a map of water. Goddamn.

Especially because you're like walking walking through and you're like, damn, Lincoln's—

there's a lot of cool things.

And then you see Gulf of America next to the desk.

Hey, what is that really gross bill that they just passed though? What is that FISA bill that they just passed, Jamie? Uh, yeah, something just happened where everyone— people are freaking the fuck out. It's something— it has something to do with, uh, them being able to look into all your private communications without a warrant.

Oh, I don't like that.

Is there a new one? Someone told me that every new car is gonna have AI testing to see if you're drunk or not, and then they also won't abuse it.

Bad news.

Wait, look at you while you're driving to make sure that you're not hammered, get video of you. No more smoking joints. Get an old car.

That's what I got.

Get an old Mustang.

Is that a real thing?

Senate's likely to reject the House pass. Good.

Thank God. We should force them to reject it. Jesus Christ, this is crazy. Um, 3-year extension of Section 702 Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act that allows federal government to collect communications of non-citizens outside the US, though it often includes communications with American citizens. But then if they suspect you of it, like with Tucker, Tucker was communicating with Putin's people to do an interview through Signal. So they took his encoded, like, so it's all encrypted. They took his encrypted Signal and they decrypted it. Someone who knows the stuff explained it to me. Said it cost about $600,000 to do that. They said they can decrypt encrypted messages, they just have to get the data. So somehow or another they got the data off of his phone, they unencrypted it, and then they contacted him, said, we know that you're meeting with Putin. He's like, how the fuck do you know? Like, we read your signal. And he's like, what?

Like, but he's like, yeah, I mean, I am meeting with him, doing an interview, I'm a journalist.

Yeah, well, that was his position, but it was also his position that he's using an encrypted app, like, they— unless they're suspecting him of a crime, they shouldn't be able to look at his encrypted messages. So like, this idea that, you know, you're sending things on Signal and no one can read them, I think that's bullshit. I think it's more difficult to read them.

So local cops are not going to do it if you're just buying molly, right? That's not worth $600 grand.

Exactly, right?

Exactly. Hegseth's shit get leaked too on Signal, remember that, like a year ago?

I think that was because those people accidentally included a journalist, uh, so it was like a giant group of of like 10 people or something like that, and one of them was a fucking journalist. These knuckleheads. And the journalist just released all the text messages. So they were sending emojis after we bombed Iran.

Here's a fun story today.

Wait, that guy?

Suicide note purportedly written by Jeffrey Epstein weeks before his death in jail has been kept secret for years, locked up in a courthouse. That means investigators scrutinizing his death lacked what could have been a key piece of evidence.

In the last hour they're saying there's a note they found that's just—

There's a brand new note for us.

Yes, all of a sudden. Exists. No one says— they haven't shown it or said what it says. They're just— everyone's not reporting.

Well, how about the fucking autopsy that says that his prostate was unremarkable, but meanwhile he had his prostate removed?

Oh boy.

There's a lot of people that don't even believe he died.

I think he's alive. I think they just face-offed him and he's living a good life somewhere.

You just think changed him?

Yeah, I think that all the people that all go to that stuff, like, don't— if we kill you, then we're all worried about ourselves. We're just going to relocate. Hit you?

Israel.

Israel, maybe.

That's what I heard from Metzger.

From Metzger. It wouldn't be Israel. He'd live somewhere like—

why wouldn't he live in Israel? That's a place where he's most protected.

Be like Cambodia.

No, they'll kill him in Cambodia. You got to live in Israel.

No, there's parents in Israel.

Of who?

People.

Yeah, but you know, that's like the number one place where like sex offenders go from America that are Jewish, they're in trouble. Yeah, anybody in—

I didn't know that.

Yeah, they take anybody in.

Yeah, especially Jewish people. We'll just take care.

Wow, Jews have had a run. You had Madoff, Weinstein.

Hell yeah. Thank you.

The other guy.

Nice.

Hell of a run you guys.

Cosby.

Yeah, yeah. Kind of proves Kanye's point a little bit.

I don't love the, uh, the Kimmel shit is annoying. Like the fighting with Kimmel over the jokes. Like, come on, man.

I mean, here's the thing about it. Adam Carolla had a really good point. He said that joke, he said that joke on a Thursday, on Friday nobody gave a shit. Who? Kimmel. He said a joke about Melania, he made his own mock White House press correspondence dinner, and he said Melania has the glow of a woman who's recently widowed.

Okay.

Does it?

It's an old guy joke, like he's gonna die.

Yeah, it could be, or an assassination joke if you want to take it that way, but he is old.

Wait, after the attempt?

No, before. So it's on Thursday, and this is Carolla's point, that's a really good point, he said no one gave a shit on Friday. It came out on Thursday, no one cared on Friday, no one cared on Saturday until Saturday night when the assassination attempt, and then all of a sudden everyone's blaming Kimmel.

It's so funny that the right wing turned into the same fucking pussy faggots that the left wing are.

It's the same shit.

It is the same shit.

It's human behavior patterns. You could call them left or right. I mean, this is why the left supports war in Ukraine. It's like why the left supports censorship. It's like the same pattern. It's control. Control and power.

You want your side to win.

Yeah, 100%.

So they found the note.

Where?

Nicholas Tartaglione found it.

Oh, the guy who killed him. The fucking super jacked contract killer cellmate that he had. Mm, you know that story? Oh, his cellmate was a fucking super jacked cop who killed drug dealers. Yeah, dude was a gorilla. I mean, fuck, show Ari a picture of the guy. Tartaglione is is this fucking huge, evil, corrupt cop. Yeah, super guinea. He's like a roided-up guinea.

Damn, get an image. I'd like to see this cat.

Look at it, bro. Imagine that guy's your fucking cellmate and he sucks and he's killed 4 guys, 4 drug dealers and contract killers.

What's he in jail for?

Murder. Oh, quadruple slaying.

He's in there for fucking dogs. No, no, there's a lot of dogs.

Dogs are all his buddies. Dogs.

Cute little doggies.

He's a pretty good guy.

He's pretty good.

He's fucking ripped.

Murdering people. And then they put him in the cell with Epstein. And then he said Epstein tried to kill him 18 days before he died. He complained— excuse me, he said Tartaglione tried to kill Epstein. Epstein complained his cellmate tried to kill him. Yeah, we tried to strangle him to death.

Whoa.

And they found him unconscious and unresponsive.

Must have been Rob McGraw to break out of it.

Whatever they do. Yeah, Krav Maga hat.

That whole Epstein thing is so crazy that no one's going to jail for that.

Pretty surprising that they're still not releasing it.

Here's what's crazy: no arrests, no, no, no one's like being brought in. Meanwhile, Comey is getting arrested for a photo of seashells that say 86-47.

He's getting Arrested for this?

Yeah, he's getting charged. What's 86-47?

86, get rid of. President 47.

But you could say kill. But 86 is if you get fired. What happened to Mike? He got 86'd, right? It doesn't mean you got killed. But this is a crazy thing to arrest someone for.

Of course.

FBI arrested in Virginia, appears briefly in court.

Well, they already like had it out for him.

I know.

They're just looking for any excuse.

This is the problem with these guys. I'm saying is it sets a crazy precedent. Yeah, that's the precedent.

That's already— that's the worst. Like, that's crazy.

That's crazy.

FBI, are you after me? Well, now we're going after you for nothing. It doesn't matter.

It's nuts. It's nuts. Like, you're going after someone for something that's just silly. It's 86-47. Get rid of 47, right?

Free speech.

But it's just like arresting a guy for that is nuts.

Comey don't play say that. Yeah.

I mean, it's one thing like if you have like a photo of him, like an AI— you post AI photo of him dead, you know, with bullet holes in him. Like, wouldn't that be nice?

Yes. But also—

but even that, even that's okay.

Yeah, not as an FBI director, right?

But he's a former FBI director, so he's a private citizen at that point. He'd already left the office.

It's crazy. Trump can take a shot but not a joke.

It's just retaliation for going after Trump.

Well, it is, but it's like they're just looking for any reason. But it just doesn't seem— it seems like there should be other reasons. Like, if the guy really was dirty, you should have something on him other than this seashell picture.

Yeah, it's not.

He just hates him and he's using that.

I know, but it sets such an abusive power. This was my thing when people weren't upset about ICE people in the street with masks on and no identification. I'm like, this sets a crazy precedent. Yeah, I understand you want the undocumented criminals out of the country, country. I agree. However, death squads in the street— setting a precedent for militarized people with 7 weeks training to be walking around with fucking weapons of war and flak jackets with no ID and masks on. That's all I'm saying. Like, this is a slippery fucking slope you're going down.

Yeah, it's no bueno.

But then also, they wouldn't have to be there like that if there wasn't these— or there wouldn't be any conflict if it wasn't organized, paid-for protests. They paid people to protest. They paid people because they had the fucking— all that fraud in Minnesota.

Yeah, but the reason why I was in Minneapolis, why the fucking—

the protests were strongest in Minneapolis and organized, because that's where all the fraud was. That's where all the people were getting caught. So they said, let's defuse this. And Mike Benz said—

it's not— you don't just give randos guns and go, all right, they went over, they overstepped, so here, you're 7 weeks training, go ahead.

Not just give randos guns, they gave him a $50,000 signing bonus. Bonus. So yeah, you get a $50,000 signing bonus. Enjoy.

And by the way, a lot of them, a lot of them are Mexican.

A lot of them are Mexican, including the two guys that shot that dude in Minneapolis, both Mexicans. Excuse me, Hispanic, Latino, had Latin names.

Oh, interesting.

I was at the airport in Philly and an ICE agent was like, yo, my man, what's up? And I was like, yo, chill, chill, chill.

The fuck?

Don't ask me for a picture.

Do you see that Trump renamed it? Instead of ICE, now it's ICE. I saw that. It's nice now instead of ICE.

So now you're protesting nice?

It's National Immigrations Customs Enforcement.

He's done it again. That reminds me, our leader.

That's funny.

He's a wild boy.

Still funny.

It is funny calling it nice. Is your thing about to go off? Is that where you're stopping it?

Just realized I left my kid in the Somali daycare. I gotta go pick him up.

He'll be fine.

What happened to ICE while I was gone? Did they go Shots?

No. Yeah, well, you don't know about Alex Reddy? No, that's good.

Two citizens. Good for you, boy.

You've been gone, huh?

But killed two citizens.

Well, there's one lady that got killed in a car because she was— they were trying to tell her to stay put. She was protesting and fucking with them, and then she drove when the cop tried to step in front of her car. She's clearly turning her wheel away from him. She's not trying to run him over, and he just—

who, a cop or ICE?

ICE guy. Yeah, and he said fucking American-born citizen. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, a crazy lady. Let's say anyone, but yes, yeah, lesbian allegedly.

Yeah, well, the girlfriend was there.

Do you believe in them though, for real?

Oh yeah, she looked like a lesbian.

You don't think?

No, they seemed legit.

Yeah, she had a kid.

She looked like Brock Lesnar.

She's a newly lesbian lady.

Okay, newly lesbian.

What was the backlash on —pretty bad.

Yeah, pretty bad backlash. And then this Alex Petty guy—

do they manage that one?

Alex Petty guy was— the Alex Petty guy was carrying a gun, and so he was open carrying or concealed carrying and like physically pushing cops. Like, it was kind of crazy. And then they tackle him, they found out he has a gun. This is where it gets crazy. One of the Border Protection agents grabs the gun and is taking it away, and unfortunately the gun accidentally goes off. Off. The gun that he was carrying is called a Sig P320, and it's notorious for accidental discharges. So this is confusing because it's hard to tell because the video is a little grainy, but most people who are experts look at it say that— that at least the videos that I've watched say that that gun accidentally went off without the guy touching the trigger. But also, the cop has the gun, the cop's moving away with the gun, they say he has a gun gun. And then the ICE people— the cops say he had— it's Border Protection, it's not even ICE, it's a different organization. So the Border Protection guys are moving away with the gun, the gun goes off, and these guys think the guy has another gun, and then they start shooting them, and they shoot them and kill them while they have them down.

It's a rough video. This is all my interpretation based on videos. I might not be accurate, but I've seen the video. It does look like the slide moves, it does look like the sound of a gun going off corresponds with that slide moving. And that gun is notorious. Like, if you look up SIG P320 online accidental discharge, you'll see tons of videos of these guns accidentally going off. I haven't had one of those in a long time. I used to have them when I'm a kid. Wet dreams? No, I've been there.

That's not accidental. Fucking SIG, sorry.

Let's talk for 20 minutes.

—get back to it in a second. Yeah, so you missed all the fun. Good for you. But it's like the only reason why there were violent people in the streets protesting is because it was an organized, paid-for protest. They actually physically paid people to be there and protest. They gave them signs.

How do you get on that list to get paid for that?

You gotta get on some wacky left-wing newsletter. I don't know.

Still, like, yeah, you don't just put random people people.

Well, I mean, you do have to get rid of all the cartel members and all the criminals that came across the border. I mean, they let more than 10 million people into the country over 4 years.

America has a great way of like overreacting to stuff. They're like, oh, Saddam Hussein's a problem, let's go in there and kill a million people. Yeah, America does that. Yeah, we're like not the best people to handle stuff, and we're like still like, we should handle it.

You know who else does that? Who?

Israel. Blame everything on Israel.

Yeah, I'm not blaming everything. Yeah, they're part of it.

It is amazing how many high-profile Jewish people just, they have an opinion about everything, but when it gets to this, like, yes, they just avoid that or come up with some random way to justify annihilating an entire city.

Yeah, it's just funny to me when Americans are like, hey, this other country's overstepping. Yeah, we bombed Japan twice. Yeah. Afghanistan, Iraq.

Those fuckers had it really coming. They were Jews. Twice? The second one was just going, hey, check this out, Russia.

Yeah, I guess so. But yeah, whatever. Well, that was a long time ago. That's true. Everybody did that's dead. But based on today, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui. Yeah, it's a lot like Lebanon, bro. What they're doing in Lebanon right now is crazy. Well, they're looking for Hezbollah. They gotta look under Russia.

Mmm, Barney Rubble. One more time with that lighter there. What else? Thank you. There we go. It's a wild time to be alive, kids.

It's wild. At least we're gonna have drugs soon.

That's pretty nice.

Well, at least all those people that are hooked on pills are gonna get off of them. A lot of them are. At least it's gonna at least give them something that works.

How come we can't get free healthcare?

Yeah, right? Why don't we do that? I'm paying out the ass.

Yes. Why can't we do that?

I bet if they took all the money from fraud, it would pay for healthcare 10 times more.

Or Ukraine or Israel.

Oh yeah. Why not? Right. Well, that's what's annoying.

All these politicians are like, if we get this much money, we can cure this.

So let me ask you this. You have all this money.

What are you doing?

I think 100% free healthcare would be an awesome thing, but you also want doctors to be incentivized to be really good at their jobs. For sure. But also you want like the doctor— Get the guy that did your knee and did mine knee. That's a— these are bad. Why can't we have universal healthcare and private doctors? Yes, we should be able to have both those things, like public school and private school. Yeah, right. Public defenders. You're allowed to have a public defender.

The ease at which I got treated in third world countries was like, really? Yeah, you just go in. Yeah, you're going to see somebody like, here's your pills you need, here's your—

here's your drops you need. Isn't it dirty needles and weird equipment over there? No, no, really. Harvard-trained doctors. Come on.

Yeah, there's just no upsell Universal healthcare system in America would cost approximately $3.0 to $3.2 trillion annually.

Oh, that's a lot, which is actually less than the current system that costs around $5.3 trillion per year. So we're talking about a savings of almost 50%.

Why don't we get free healthcare?

So savings of $450 billion annually while providing coverage to all Americans, according to Perplexity, our AI sponsor, which is never wrong. Wrong. The United States currently spends about $5.3 trillion in healthcare, $15,474 per person as of 2024.

Even when something goes wrong and you have insurance, it's not paid for. You got to spend $5 grand to get anesthesia and then another $5 grand to go downstairs for the surgery.

So what do you think is the problem? What is it? What is causing—

I would imagine the insurance company trying to make you president.

Oh, thanks. It's insurance companies. Can I make you president? When I read a Jew, I got my teeth checked in Ecuador and they were like, you have impacted gums. I was like, all right, I was about to go home in a week. I was like, when I go home, I'll do it. I'll fix it. And they're like, are you nuts?

Do it.

People fly here to get that surgery because it's so much cheaper. Flight, hotels, all that is much cheaper than doing it there. Yeah. And like, we have a surgeon. And I was like, is he like trained? And they're like, yeah, he went to Yale Medical School.

Dude shows up, sacrifices. Yeah, exactly.

This is why they clipped Bernie, because he was trying to do this, so they got rid of him.

That was one thing he was trying to do.

It kind of blows. It's embarrassing.

All right, let's put him— right, how much would it cost if, uh, school, like higher education, was free?

Oh, that's too much money in that. They won't do it.

Well, that's the same exact thing with healthcare.

Yeah, yeah, it's a fortune.

We're making— that's where we're at as a country.

It's all— and it's gone up.

Same reason we're doing wars. Yeah, money. It's to make money.

Of course.

The oil. Nothing else.

Not even just oil, but defense contracts.

They They're raking it in. I mean, the war has already cost how much? Let's find out that. How much is the war? Let's just say globally. No, no, let's just look at how much Iran has cost us.

There we go. That's what I mean.

Wait, shake a guess. Shut down the fucking street.

Right.

But I mean, just us spending money to bomb Iran. Just that. The simplest, just the bombs, lowest run without the economic impact, the oil impact.

What about the Hormuz and all all that, because all that's a—

well, that's, that's a factor. But let's just find out how much the raw money spent on the bombs. $25 billion. Ah, that's dropping the bucket. 60 days into the war.

How much is Ukraine?

That's a lot more.

So what, what concerns me, not just— well, all of it concerns me. One of the things that someone told me was that we've kind of depleted our weapon supplies because we bought— we don't already have that many of those fucking missiles.

Well, we give them all to Ukraine. And then we gave him—

now we're fucking using them. That Zelensky's a mooch. He just keeps wanting more. I don't think it's not— oh, you think it's his?

No, I think it's— it's us.

It's the US money, but it's all, it's all together. Every—

it's all your 80 billion big scam Ponzi scheme.

Everybody's making money. You should get Trump on here.

We're doing great.

Don't let anybody lie to you.

Yeah, maybe, maybe next time we schmooze them into free healthcare.

Maybe next time we schmooze them into a Protect Our Parks. Oh, drop in here, brother. Come on, dog.

Yeah, it's crazy too because I've gotten— there was a pill I had to get like 3 of when I went to Asia or something, and it was like, I got 2 here, they cost me like $400 each, and then the same— it's the same drug in Myanmar, it's like $40.

Well, that's one thing that he has fixed. One thing that Trump is working on is making whatever the low price is internationally the price that people pay in America. America. And he told— he's fucking hilarious. He was telling us, 'I've got a friend, I don't want to say his name, very successful. He's a big guy. He took the fat pill, it didn't work.' But he was going on about how his friend went overseas, he forgot his fat pill, he went overseas and he was in Europe and he got it for like $100. Yeah, he's like, 'This is like $1,300 in America. It's crazy. It's not right. It's not right.' And so he made it so that whatever the low cost is in these other countries. That's the low cost in America. That's what it costs here now.

Is that right? Yes. That's good. Everybody's all good.

It's like, you're not gonna get all good for any drug, you know. You're not gonna get all good with any president either, you know. Sure, you're gonna get a lot of bad shit because all these people are surrounded by demons. They're surrounded by war hawks and demons and defense contractors and scam artists in the pharmaceutical industry. There's all these fucking people that are trying to make sure that they can make the most amount of money possible. Just all coke snorting demons. Legally.

I was watching this documentary on the homeless here in Austin, and they're talking about how like, I was on schizophrenia medicine, I can't afford it anymore. And they're out there just sprinting.

What happens if you take schizophrenia medicine and you don't have schizophrenia?

Ooh, that's a fun night. I think I did that. A couple shots. I think I took some antipsychotics and slept for 4 days. Huge mistake.

It helps you sleep. Expired fucking antipsychotic. He was like, here, take this. Does he take it? I don't know if he takes it.

It was expired, so I guess not.

Jesus Christ. Yeah, but expired medication— I was just reading this thing about that, like, most expired medication is actually still usable, like, up to 300% longer than they say it.

Yeah, it's like a little bit less effective, but still good. Yeah.

Yeah, but I don't even know if it's less effective. This, this thing was saying that it's 100% effective for a long period of time after the expiration date. I don't know why they have an expiration date. It's not like milk, right? Yeah, the healthcare thing is really embarrassing, to be honest.

It's really embarrassing.

Institutions and some free healthcare for these fellas.

Yeah, asylum.

I don't know how to— obviously no one knows. Yeah, we gotta do something.

A giant percentage of those people are addicted to drugs, right? Oh yeah, fentanyl zombies. You need ibogaine for all those people, mental health facilities. You need to get them on whatever medication to fix their schizophrenia. And it's also—

it's not even like a fucking goodwill thing. It's also like like we need to fucking clean up their cars.

Their self-safety. Yeah, it's for everybody.

So what are we doing?

Why are— whatever. Skid Row, Los Angeles.

Fucking hold up.

Skid Row in Los Angeles is 50 blocks. 50 blocks.

5-0s. Last time I looked, it said American healthcare— Americans pay more than 2 times the next country for healthcare, and we get the 17th best coverage.

And we're the sickest.

We're the sickest. Yeah, it's nuts. We spend the most money in Toronto.

It was clean. Yeah, you just go right to a doctor.

You're just driving around.

I was like, this is crazy. How did— how are we getting—

why is America—

I know, and our shit is locked up at the CVS. Yeah, they don't have that. Everybody's stealing.

Well, there's a lot of stealing. That hurts me the most. Yeah, yeah, I love to steal.

Yeah, you steal.

Yeah, why are you locking it up?

Fucking— I gotta call it. You gotta do this before you're about to steal.

Yeah, I got a problem. Just did like airports and stuff.

We'll shop. Yeah, movie theaters. You do everywhere.

Come on, don't sell yourself short. They're gonna watch you now. Leftovers. A little bit of a thrill.

Can I get the Winona Ryder thing? It's cheaper too. Yeah, it's cheaper. I mean, the last time I saw—

I saw Mark steal— we're at a movie theater and I got some popcorn, and it's— I'm sure it's closed by now. And then, uh, the lady turned around, got my popcorn, and then he just had beef jerky in the movie.

Yeah, they were selling it.

How'd you get that? It was the most expensive item.

I just reached for it.

Yeah. Oh boy, they upped prices.

Yeah, I mean, you get a Hudson News Clif Bar, it's $8. Not on my watch. Ridiculous.

Not on my watch.

Once you're on the plane, you're home free, you know.

You're raising the cost for the rest of us.

Yeah, they put that in. They factor the theft in.

Yeah, you're a successful person. That's outrageous.

Habits die hard.

Yeah, you know, no one's going to be sympathetic towards you. You have money.

I'm not asking you to.

I'm just saying it's a fun ride. I don't want it. It's the beef jerky. Tastes better when it's stolen.

Easy. Everything tastes better.

It's so Diaz one time at the, at the airport, he just comes off from one of those bodegas and he comes on, he just shows me Tic Tacs and I was like, what is that for? He goes, yeah, right, I got that. And they just threw in the garbage. Wow. And I was like, what are you doing? I was trying to stay sharp.

That's a ballsy deal because it rattles. That's a hard steal.

It's a hard steal. That's right. Sharp is hilarious. I don't throw it out. I don't throw it out. Yeah, yeah. Joey's going in for surgery today.

Uh-oh, tips. He's getting some— he's getting cannons.

He's getting his tits removed.

He's getting that big scar. But, uh, him shirtless is rough. How many times have you seen it? Just once, and it's burned in.

I've seen it. Joey Karate.

Oh yeah, everybody's seen it. Yeah, Joey Karate's great.

Yeah, that fucking guy's such an animal. He's a fucking—

high kicks and he's got his leg up to about his knee height.

It's pretty good, dude.

Is he around?

Did he move here yet? No, but he's coming back and forth all the time. There he is. Look at that thing.

That looks like AI. That's crazy. Jesus, how's he alive?

Without context of a background, it's wild.

Wow, that belly is crazy.

You gotta have a decent hog if you're gonna have that gut.

He's always got a hell of a grubbin' or boozin'.

What's that? What is that? Food. Food. He's grubbin'.

Oh yeah, Joey can't stop eating.

He doesn't really drink. Always high.

He doesn't drink at all. I go to eat with Joey. It's a scene.

It's a fun time.

He loves it. Oh, that poor guy. He goes off, eats, he eats. He fucking loves food. But he's just—

I got a new Chinese place by my place.

You gotta come. He's the most fun human. Sucks. He's the most fun human that's ever existed.

Yeah, no one's more fun. It's good egg.

He's barely a real person. So human cartoon. Really real.

So funny. So he's still getting up on stage Page. He's still doing sets.

Oh, he killed. He killed. He was here. He did an hour. He's, he's around now. Yeah, he's got all these great stories. It's really, really good. Really well done. All right. This is the man.

Good to have him back. That's the thing about comedy. We're kind of losing the, uh, the wildness. You know, when I, when I started comedy, it was like Geraldo and all these guys are all dead now. Drugs.

I think it's kind of coming back now. It's coming back. I think it's coming back because TV's going way. So it's like it gets down to the root of what is really effective in comedy. It's wildness is more effective. It's, it's more fun if you're sitting there drunk in a crowd and some dude's on stage going off saying crazy shit. It's more fun.

Yeah, cuz it is more fun, but I don't know if that's actually here. I think there's a lot of fucking guys with jobs, sober, a lot of sobriety.

Got to get up early for a podcast tomorrow.

These young guys though, these young guys aren't like that. A lot of these young guys coming up are doing drugs, doing Good.

Well, they're doing clips, but they're, they're still wild boys.

Some people are still giving it, bringing it.

You hope so.

Well, it used to be late night at the Cellar. Used to be so much fun. I know, Mack, he was drinking when it was just a drinking crowd.

It was a lot of go, a lot of whiskey.

There's, there's that here.

Here, here, here.

Yeah, here, like last night.

Yeah, last night we did it last night.

Yeah. Oh, what happened? I missed—

we just had a couple drinks, just some bros being bros. I was begging him to— I was—

I've changed my new, uh, he has a new tactic method. He's like, all right, come on, drink. I'm like, no, I gotta get up early him. I was like, dude, you're— I'm like, oh, you're gonna call me gay? No, lame, bro. I've been gone. I've had time to ruminate on this.

You can peer, and then you can peer with the best.

I got a new peer pressure. Yeah, yeah.

No, I'm just saying, like, I want to drink and I don't want to be alone.

If you're a friend, I was like, tomorrow's gonna be tough for me. I'd like it to be tough for somebody else. Do me a favor, chug that fucking drink. Yeah, beer one.

Yeah, he always comes in, he has no idea what your count is. He just comes in, he goes, you could do more. I'm like, yeah, I could have done 1 or 7 and you would have no clue. You got to go more. DeRosa's up there.

DeRosa's the worst. He's the number one. Do a shot, it's my birthday month. Yes, yes, he's like a chick.

He's the biggest pig in comedy.

He is a pig, dude. I hate him.

He'll pour shots in your mouth. He doesn't care. He'll tilt your hand.

He'll also go like, come on, don't be a pussy, do a shot. And then you do, and then 10 minutes later he's gone and he's at KFC.

He's so funny how he shits on weed people too.

I know, he hates weed. It's so weird.

I like He's classic drinker.

I'm with him, dude.

He's classic drinker.

I think he was just around a lot of— all the New York comics got sober and then just smoked weed constantly, and then they're like, oh, you're drinking again? It's like, dude, you haven't had a thought in fucking 7 years. What the fuck are you talking about?

It's all munchies. Ah, yeah, this is something. I mean, everything could be abused.

There's only a couple people in comedy that do weed like real good, like Soder. Soder. Jay. Sure. They're like, they're just the same. Go, man. They're just happy. Chappelle. Chappelle.

Chappelle. Because yes, most people go in on weed. Freezelo. They still are out and fun. Right.

Yeah. It's a personality thing.

Totally. They're still active.

Yeah, most people are. It's also, I think it's a biological thing because I think it affects people very differently.

Definitely.

Can you get high when you smoke?

Yeah, Jamie gets high when he smokes. Okay, cool. Edibles just don't work on the kid. Wow. That's wild. Young Jamie shrugs them off. That's crazy. You try to dose him up, he'll smile right in your face.

Jamie, I'd like you to have a brewski. What's going on?

Nice.

We talked about this earlier and I'd like— I'd love for you to get involved.

You talked at me. I didn't really— oh, put on the beer, put on the beer!

All of a sudden I'm talking. Well, it worked. He's drinking. Yeah, he said something nasty and that's fine. You talked at me. I'm trying to include you and have it. Let's have fun.

Jamo's a sassy bitch. He's just being—

he's just clarifying. He's an assassin. I didn't talk at you.

How did I talk?

Well, you said it was a Discussion.

I mean, it was one little discussion. I said, let's go watch Sixers-Celtics. Let's have a couple beers. Great night. Go to a bar, watch the Celtics.

Hell yeah.

Beer pressure. Fun times. You can upload it with 4 beers. You're Piers Morgan.

Yeah, leave it till Monday. We don't care.

When you get in that car?

Tomorrow.

A tree fell on his car.

Yeah, really?

From what, the winds here?

They're doing some fucking road work right in front of my house, and the vibration Oh, they building Savage your car?

Yeah, you got second towered.

Wow, I really did. The house I live in, I'm renting this house, it's like one of those new, like, prefab fucking or whatever those things are, these new Austin houses. Yeah, which are all the exact same, which I kind of don't fucking like at all.

Yeah, it's not a cutter.

Is it all the same when you've been in?

Oh yeah, it's like a 15-foot ceiling for no reason. It's one floor.

It has this type of wall.

It's like standard. It's a beautiful house.

It is very nice.

And I've— the last house I was in was a fucking queen's apartment, but right, that had more soul than this place. More soul for sure. But yeah, when I first walked into the house I'm in now, I was like, holy fuck, moving on up.

Incredible. Yeah, yeah, it's just not a fucking piece of shit.

It looks like a house from a porn. It's an Airbnb.

It is an Airbnb.

Yeah, it is weird how money changes changes you. Yeah, like it changes what you're accustomed to. Mm-hmm. You get a little accustomed. I was thinking about this.

Yeah, you get accustomed to nice things, but I keep trying to change and I'm just not really changing. What do you mean?

Well, as a human?

Yeah, the cement is dry. You're always gonna be Mechanicsburg.

Yeah, it's Mechanicsburg, it's light beers. It's like all of a sudden I realized I'm just getting drunk at higher places, right? Like I'm just in a taller building getting drunk.

Yeah, with more expensive beer. The exact same.

Everybody is the same here.

Everybody Deep Creek. It's the same beer, but the price is different.

Everybody at Deep Creek was like poor white trash in like Maryland, and then they like got rich, and like when they were poor, they're like, we can just barely afford one Bud Light, and now they're rich, like 10 Bud Lights. What is that? Deep Creek Lake is where pontooners go to party. Yeah, pontooners go. Where is that? It's like deep, almost by West Virginia.

Oh, it's a giant lake. It rules. Same with New Orleans. We'd go out to the Bogachitta and tube all day. Remember tubing? You sit on a river with a floater. If you got a piss, you just jump down, walk along with it.

I think it's good that you're not changing. It's a good change. It'd be nice if I could.

No, I think you changed a little. You got some good stuff going on.

Literally, if you said this to Shane yesterday, if you go, you've changed, he'd be like, what the fuck is that supposed to mean?

Well, it's just wrong. I know. And I'd go, goddamn, I wish I could.

He dressed the same.

But you're not going to stay at a Holiday Express. Sure. You've handled this hotel.

You've handled fame very well. You haven't gotten weird at all. Yeah, some people get weird just from the pressure of it. Almost everybody. Yeah, almost everybody.

Yeah, 98% get like different.

I'm thinking of 8 comics in my head right now who have gone full diva. Yeah, they get weird.

It's very strange. Shane, I know you have not changed.

Oh, the bottom? You've changed, bro. What the fuck? You work for Israel now. This is— this is the taste of aluminum.

Some people like aluminum taste.

Bottle beer taste in a can. Commercial, I remember when I was little. What? It was some— it was, it was some out— some beer, and they go, bottle beer taste in a can. I was like, is bottled beer better? Way better.

Like the aluminum flavor? Yeah, I like—

give me a glass bottle, but a lot.

What's this? Bottle beer. Keystone. That's what it was.

In a can. What? My memory served.

Bad beer. Crush those Keystones. This is a commercial from 1948.

That's what I remember.

I remember Israel got independence in that I was watching this commercial.

Yeah, have you guys—

have you guys watched the Hogan doc? It's good, dude. It's great. I fucking cried.

Really? So good.

When he's getting sued for taking down Belzer, he rules.

And he's like, I was making $3,500 a month and I'm getting sued for $500,000. I was famous but not rich. And they're like, what are we gonna do? Oh, he rules.

I didn't even know he got sued for that.

To go into MSG— I mean, he choked the guy unconscious.

Have you seen the clip?

Yeah, he did. He could have— I'm— Jon Jones used to do this all the time, but at least it was soft mat. This was like hard floor. He just, just like threw it.

Yeah, but Jon Jones is doing it in a UFC fight against someone who agreed.

Yeah, he does it and then he— if he just laid him down, he'd be like, point proven, right?

But he had to bring it. He's on TV. He couldn't have—

drunk and on steroids and on coke, and somebody's like, yo, your shit's fake. Is that what Bowser said?

That he's fake?

It's so funny too because he's like, oh, you think I'm fake? Is that fake? You're like, no, but you don't do do that. What I'm talking about, it is fake.

Do you remember when John Stossel confronted that wrestler backstage? Yeah, it was great. And the wrestler just bitch slapped him a bunch of times. Slap the fuck out of him. I think that ruined that guy's career though. I think Stossel, the wrestler, the wrestler.

Yeah, uh, I never heard of this. I don't know.

I think— who was the wrestler?

Stossel's still around.

Stossel's still around, but I think it ruined the wrestler's career.

Whoa. Because he beat the fuck out of him.

He looks like—

yeah, he can't feel like he—

in my head he looks like Sid Vicious. Or—

well, he's a giant dude and he bitch slapped him open palm to the ear, which can definitely make you Deaf.

But I mean, if you told BJ Penn in his prime, or, or, or, or anybody, like, I think what you do is fake, they'd be like, it's not.

John Stossel was slapped twice by WWF wrestler Dr. D David Schultz backstage at Madison Square Garden after calling pro wrestling fake during a 2020 exposé. Incident left Stossel with pain and ringing in his ears, leading to a lawsuit against WWF. Jewish wrestler. You think he made money? Oh, he slipped right out. At least he's not pissing in a kombucha jar. He probably is. Give it an hour.

Here it is. So he's grabbing grabbing him.

He gets him in this sleeper hold and he goes— he slumps and then he just drops him.

Head hit the—

hit the floor hard. Professional is he though when he gets up.

Is from a 1985 episode of— what the fuck?

So Belzer was talking shit saying it was fake. Great host though.

He pops right up and goes to commercial.

All right, we'll be right back.

Yeah, head's bleeding and everything. That is crazy.

Oh wow, look at the blood on the back of his head. You know who?

It's spurting out on his jacket. Look at that. What Pro. Yeah, that is— Chris Rock could have learned quite professional.

He seems happy. Look at Mr. T. That he doesn't seem upset at all. And then he sued. Yep. But he got to be a pro. But also, you got to be, you know, I mean, his head looked like Kennedy. $400,000 settlement. Next. Famously used the money to buy a home in France, jokingly named it Chez Hogan. That's fun. He bought a house in France. He lived in France for for a while. And then he was a Jew.

He's had to be. Yeah, got a lawsuit for that. Litigious. Yeah, he didn't use to pay medical bills. He bought a house. Yeah, that means that's a bonus.

In France, it's a Jew move.

And I think he was still doing that Law Order show and just flying back and forth to France.

I met him once. It's the funniest thing because I saw him in like early, early, like doing those late night shows, you know, as a kid. And it was like, oh, that's a comedian. And then he's done— a lot of comics have this trajectory, do nothing comedic. Yep. It's like comedic-coded serious.

Well, he was a comic. Yeah, he did a lot of comedy. I saw him do stand-up in Boston in the '80s. In the '80s.

But then he became like just serious, just a funny guy in serious roles.

And not even that funny. No. And then dropped stand-up.

Wow.

Just money and ease. It's so easy. It's that velvet prison. They start giving you money, you start showing up, you're eating.

Stand-up is a blue collar job.

Also, his coworker is a guy who made a song called Cop Killer. Like, he's like, I'm rich now. We're both rich. Don't even worry about who we used to be.

Yeah. Yeah. That's interesting. Not Chris Maloney.

Yeah. Eventually they go, I'm just not that guy. I'm not 25 anymore.

I know. But I mean, it's still like Carlin did it till he died. Yeah.

Carlin was a real one.

Yeah. Rickles. Rickles did it till he died.

No, but Carlin was like anti-establishment, never changed who he was. And it was like— Tell us what Belzer was beginning.

He was kind of a guy, very conspiracy theory. He wrote a book on Elvis, Bigfoot, and flying saucers, I think it was. Wow. I read it back in the day. It's a conspiracy theory book by Belzer. 5 different conspiracy books. What the fuck? UFOs, JFKs, and Elvis: Conspiracies You Don't Have to Be Crazy to Believe. Wow. Dead Wrong: Straight Facts on the Country's Most Controversial Coverups. Hit List: An In-Depth Investigation of Mysterious Deaths of Witnesses to the JFK Assassination.

Wow, he's ahead of his time with that shit. Yeah, he's— he was an interesting guy.

Jew and Gonan. Very interesting guy. Wow, he—

people loved him. He was a respected comedian. He was a crowd work guy. He was like, was he really the host? He was always the host. Yeah, yeah, for SNL for 5 years.

Oh wow, really? Crowd warm-up.

Wow.

Brody Stevens, back in the day, he was, you know, like a comics comic. Yeah, but there was a bunch of those guys, like Leno was the comics comic.

Totally.

Back in the day, when I started, they were like the second best guy. They also— Pryor. But like the second best comic, who is— who's that gonna be? And a lot of people were like, it Leno.

I'm like, isn't that nuts? Yeah, what? Great. Apparently in the '70s, he was a fucking animal.

That's what I am. Like, you get that for a reason. Yeah, you get— you don't just— some open mic or who gets The Tonight Show.

Yeah, but it's that thing. The Tonight Show was just the golden thing.

Oh, not the fucking eagle. He's got glasses on now. Eagles.

The '70s was like the golden era for those kind of comics. Oh yeah. Yeah.

I mean, you had Carlin, was he got, I think 4 heart attacks from coke.

Whoa, really? Something like that.

Yeah. Maybe Pryor was 4 and he was 3, but they were both up there.

Jesus Christ. I didn't know Carlin had that many heart attacks.

I mean, give it a goog, JMO. I could be—

How many heart attacks did Carlin? He had 3 heart attacks from cocaine. I believe it was 3. Yeah. We also had a pill problem for a while. Yeah. He had to get off pills. This is like later in his life. Right. Like late, late in his life, he was hooked on the pills. Oh yeah, Carlin. Yeah, late in his life, big drug guy, deep into his 60s and 70s.

He was the coolest of all the old amazing guys I met. Chappelle's up there for sure, but like, I had to go get him a sandwich. Really? What? He did like a month at the store. Shut up. Yeah, a month of main room shows. Oh yeah, and a year, uh, 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003. And I got him a Greenblatt sandwich. I go, here you go. He gave me $20. I was like, oh no, no, man, they covered it. He goes, I No, it's for you. I was like, all right, sorry, Mr. Carlin. Don't call me that. Yeah, he was cool, George.

He was very unassuming. He was hanging out in the back area by the parking lot.

He would also sit back in Mitzi's chair, you know that one? And, and if you did well, he stayed open mic sometimes, but only if you did well. He'd be like, good job, man. Wow. And then other people didn't, and he'd be like, hi. Yeah.

Wow. He zinged me pretty good once.

Yeah, he was a comic. I did a—

he did a book signing because he had all those books, and I brought like 4 books to meet him at Borders on Wall Street. And I waited in line, and all these people are going like, "I love you in Jersey Girl, I love you in Bill and Ted's." I was like, "Ah, these people don't know comedy." So I went up and I was like, "I love this special, Back in Town, amazing, whatever." And he goes, "What do you do?" I go, "I'm a comic." He goes, "Yeah, you got a real talent for jacking around." That's what he said.

Jacking around? I don't even know what that means. What does jacking around mean?

It seemed like he hated me.

You got a real talent for jacking around.

You sound like a comic. I go, oh yeah? He goes, yeah, you got a real talent for jacking around. Jacking around. I don't know what that means, but I'll take it.

'70s lingo. Yeah. I mean, he was around the day when Lenny Bruce was around.

Oh yeah, he got arrested at his show. Did he really?

He got arrested with Lenny Bruce?

Yeah, they were in the same cop car. Really?

It's a big story.

That was his hero.

Carla came in to shoplift.

What?

Delete that, Jamie. No, Jamie. Jamie, delete that, please. That was a joke.

Jamie, keep it dry, Bob.

Jamie, delete that, please.

We all tried to sort it out. We didn't even know you were joking.

We all tried to sort it out. Like, what am I messing with? What does he mean?

Leave it to Israel to bomb.

Oh, those guys paved the fucking road, tell you that.

Getting arrested for jokes— forget a heckler or some blogger—

what ruined going to jail, ruined Lenny Bruce's life. Totally. At the end of his life, he was just reading off court transcripts on stage, and the people get so bummed calmed out. They're like, hey, tell some jokes.

Yeah, like, we're here for you to do the thing.

There's video of it. I bought video back in the day, VHS tapes of his recordings, and one of the recordings was him on stage in this small club, like, just reading off court transcripts. Yeah, and it was just terrible.

It's like guys who get canceled and that's all they talk about, right?

Right.

That's what happens. Yeah, yeah, it becomes their thing.

Yeah, it's so crazy. You did an offhanded thing and then it's your everything. You got beaten one race by a chick and now that's your whole life. By a trans chick. That one, she went nuts. That girl who lost, who came in 5th at a fucking race by a trans chick.

Hold on a second, that one's kind of fair.

Yeah, that's a different thing.

She should go, why the fuck is this allowed?

Not 10 years later. What do you mean?

A comic got beaten in a race?

Not a comic. I don't like your analogies.

No, no, she's talking about an athlete who lost to a trans athlete. She's going, we should have laws about this. Which one?

Oh, that's Riley Gaines. It's her whole fucking personality now.

She didn't go to school for She was on a track, one thing happened, and then she's like completely changed. Same as when comics get canceled. It's like, oh, that's all BS forever.

She actually had a good point because not only did she not lose to that person, the Leah guy, but tied, and then the Leah guy got the trophy and not her.

No, no, no, but there's more to that. Leah Thomas. No, they tied for 4th. Yeah, 4th and 5th, and they go, hey, we only have 4 trophies. We're gonna get killed if we don't give it to the trainer. Fans, lady. Can we just send you one later?

Do you know how crazy that is though? Do you know how crazy that is? You get to give it to a guy who pretended—

I'd be mad if that was at a fucking comedy competition that no one saw.

No, they'll say we'll send it to you next week.

Well, wait, why is the guy coming in fourth? He should be one. Yeah, for sure. This guy sucks.

All of them lost. Well, he sucked.

There's a first, second, and third, and none of those people involved came in first, second, and third. First, second, third, nobody cares about. Fourth and fifth is what they're arguing about.

Wait, I don't understand what your argument is though. Oh, it's like, who cares? It's like, yeah, obviously.

No, no, no, to make it your whole life after that is what you're saying about canceled comics. Well, they become that thing. I understand, but she was going to school for not that, and now that's her job.

Here's what they're going to school for.

You're saying it changed your whole trajectory.

Would you go to school for a bitch?

English literature, breaking down analysis of life and stuff.

Are you doing well on that right now? Yeah, pretty much.

Yeah, he's doing terrible.

This moment right here, that's failing you. No, you say these canceled comics go and they make that their whole life.

This chick is not doing that. She tied a race for 4th and 5th, and now that's all she does for a living.

What is an example of a canceled comic that's made it their whole life? Like, what? We're just talking about naming.

I don't want to name anybody, right? But you— we've just talked about that.

There's a lot. I understand, I understand what you're saying, sort of.

Jew is on Netflix. Jew's on Netflix.

It's on Netflix now. That is pretty cool that Netflix bought it.

That's cool on YouTube. Yeah, they didn't buy it, they're just putting it up.

Ah, fucking Jesus. I don't care. You get the It was already on YouTube.

No, yeah, no, I'm totally happy with it.

Can you keep it on YouTube as well, or you have to take it down?

Hey, that's very— how many views did it have on YouTube?

Uh, millions. 8 million. 8 million! It should have been 6. That would have been great.

Shane at the Creek is like 50.

53. That's insane. Yeah, there's an Indian guy that broke the record in a week. Wow. Oh yeah, put it up, and I— somebody sent it to me and they're like, he broke it he recorded in a week.

Damn. Is it in Indian? Is it in Hindi? Yeah. Is it the Canaan's guy? 50 languages. Yeah, he's gone. Yeah, that's crazy.

So there's billions of them.

But how do you know? With— this is a thing with views these days though. There's companies that will jack your views up.

Yeah, but sure, you got to pay for that.

Yeah, you could pay for it, but you could get millions of views that way.

You can see the difference in like— we always do this when we talk shit about people who do engagement. Yeah, they're like They're like 5 million views, 30 comments.

Right, right, right. What's up, bro? What's that about? Right, right, right, right. And what is a view? How much of you do you have to watch for a view to count?

I think it's just a click. A click off counts as a view. That's a good question. The best is when you send someone, like an agent or something, like a clip, you know, for them to see. And they go, we watched it, we're not happy with it. And you look at it like, still has zero views. Ooh. It's a private clip. Yeah, you definitely didn't watch it.

We liked it, we're not happy with it.

Or more embarrassing, when someone sends you something like I just did. That guy sent me something and I've watched it 30 times. Oh, over and over. And it's just me in it. He's gonna see all the views are just me going, it's a private video. Oh, that's so sick. Oh, that's so sick.

I feel bad for young comics. Everything is about views, shares, number of followers. How many followers do you have?

It's not even about funny. Yeah, I still think it It is though. It is.

I think eventually the cream rises, but managers are literally be like, we gotta hire this guy. They don't know shit.

Well, yeah, it's kind of like the industry in general.

They're like, how much money did your movie make? And then if they don't mind getting an Oscar nomination, but that's not what they're really in it for.

I just, with the comics today being worried about, you gotta put out click or clips, you gotta do that. It's like, sure, yeah, it's like, do it, but it's like, build an act. I don't know. Comedians always have excuses for why they're not successful, which is fine. Of course. I did the exact same thing. We all did it. But they're all like, well, this guy, yeah, he's only got it 'cause he put all those clips out and did all this. It's like, I don't know.

Whatever works, man.

Try to be funny and see if it works.

Yeah, who gives a fuck why someone's doing well? Who gives a shit if a YouTuber's selling out a comedy club? Who fucking cares? It's about you. What are you doing? Exactly. Just do your shit.

And I understand, again, I understand.

Oh, by the way, I fucking loved that thing that you did where you did that documentary showing all the leading up to Boulder, the new thing that you did.

Oh, you watched that?

Yeah, It's great. And it's a great insight as to like the development of bits. I really, really enjoyed it.

I wish you were my dad.

Yeah, by the way, I could be your dad, Mark. I want you to know he told me that behind your back earlier. Whoa, me and him were just sitting out there. He's like, you see that thing? I was like, fuck no, I'm not watching Mark's shit.

Yeah, it's an hour long. It's good. It's really good.

What is it, on the way to the special?

Yeah, I did 10 sold out at the Dallas Improv and the special taped like a week or two later. So I was just tweaking and fine-tuning and I filmed all the bombs and all that shit.

It's really great. Cool. It's really great because it's like him in a bodega going over the bits, like reading, drinking coffee, reading over his lines, and then tweaking it and changing them. Yeah. Yeah. Hour and 12 minutes. Uh-oh.

Not the gay quote. That's gay. It's really good.

So yeah, go back to the quote.

Quote is relevant.

Struggle itself towards the heights is enough to fill a man's heart. One must imagine syphilis. Syphilis. That's a Salakizad. It was. Pushing a boulder.

It was the boulder.

We're shooting boulder. You do this? I didn't do that part. Who did this?

The director, Matt Selleck. Beat his ass.

It is a little pretentious for what this is.

A little bit. That's where I should have started.

Sheath underwear.

Come back to Earth, yeah. Oh God, Mark.

Why do you have a nice ass, you fucking homo?

I'm clavicular.

Why do you have nice legs, you pussy?

He microfractures his butt cheeks.

I was deadly hungover there.

That's hilarious.

Just shitting it out.

But it's a great, it's really great for comics to see, especially young guys coming up, like what the process process is like, you know, to see a guy like you who's been in the game a long time, is really good. Yeah, see a bunch of specials already, see you bombing and tweaking and showing everybody the bits not working well and then working really well. Oh, thanks, I appreciate it. Yeah, there's this idea that everything is magic.

No, you show them like their struggle, they're like, oh, okay, just trial and error.

Like, I— how many times seen Louis bomb and you're like, well, this guy's the best ever.

Yeah, Chris Rock used to come to the store and the crowd would go nuts and he would say Relax, it's not going to be that funny. Right.

Right. Lower your expectations.

You tell him that because he was just running material and trying to find every possible angle and get laughs occasionally and sometimes not. And then tweak it afterwards. Yep.

Yep. That's part of it. That's why Eddie Murphy can't come back because I don't think he's willing to bomb for 6 months.

It's not even 6 months. It's years. We've had this discussion on this podcast before. Play R. Kelly. It's also—

it's the Velvet Prison, the movie. Movies, the fucking craft service, getting picked up in a limo. It's like the grind of writing your own material, putting it all together, everything riding on your back. Like, that is a warrior's game, and some people don't want to do that anymore.

It's also like, you got to do a Tuesday at the stand where there's 19 people.

I also understand older comics back in the day not wanting to do it because movies were so much more lucrative. Oh yeah, now it's not. Stand-up is 10 times —lucrative. Good point. And it's like, dude, do stand-up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, just do stand-up.

I mean, but stand-up is hard work.

A couple people back then go, I would take a pay cut if I did a sitcom. And it was like a couple people. And now it's like kind of everybody. Yeah, you'd have to make Seinfeld money, like season 7 and beyond, to go, I'll take off the road for this.

Totally. And now there is no Seinfeld money. It doesn't exist. I know. Miss Pat is the only person with a sitcom right now. Oh, what about this guy?

BT? Oh yeah, but you have tires.

Is different though because it's a single camera. Yeah, like Tires is like a show. It's a show. It's a great funny show, but it's like there's a difference between the, the thing that everybody wanted was the live audience, 4-camera, you do it on NBC, CBS, you get residuals. That was like the golden carrot that they hung over your head.

Totally.

Stand-up, stand-up couldn't pay.

No, nobody did anything but clubs back then. It was like Dice Clay.

Yeah, it's weird. And then afterwards it was Dane Cook. We saw a billboard of a poster, his things like like a museum and a poster for Evening at the Improv with him and Chris Rock. Who's that? David Spade. Oh, wow. And I was there with Nate and he goes, you did like club for this? And he goes, bro, we only did clubs. None of us ever did theaters back then. If we were really good, you'd do 6 days at a club.

But Carlin did theaters. Yeah. Legends did theaters.

Dice did MSG once. Yeah.

Steve Martin a couple of times.

Oh, Dice did MSG many times. He did Nassau Coliseum. Dice did. Dice was doing enormous places when no one— was doing it. Dice was the original stadium act.

But then there was no one until Dane, right? Between Dice and Dane, there was nobody. Now it's a lot. And now people are playing at Des Moines, they're playing at the arenas.

Yeah, it's not that many guys.

I mean, it's probably at least 20 compared— arenas— Bargatze, Kevin Hart, Sebastian, Tom, regularly Hinchcliffe, Louis.

Well, hold on, fellas, that's not diminishing. No, no, Sebastian, Gabriel, Gabriel, Joe Coy, giant players.

Kevin Hart, Matt Rife. Matt Rife, giant places. Matt Rife. Segura. Segura's doing arenas.

I met a guy, I met an Indian kid outside New York Comedy Club. Indian kids will do something. And I was like, oh, what are you doing in town? He goes, doing comedy. He's like, oh, that's cool, man. Where are you playing? And he goes, MSG. That doesn't count.

I was like, what?

Indians don't count.

Congratulations. Indians don't count. Indians count as much as Christian movies count in the box office. Yeah. You'll be top 10 every time.

Yeah. That's hilarious.

Yeah, there's probably 10, 12, you know, 10 to 20 arenas.

You see it on it or do an arena every once in a while. Rife.

Matt Rife. Rife doing a lot. Yeah.

It's a matter of whether you want to do arenas all the time.

The point is way more than no one between Dane and Dice.

Right. For sure. Yeah, for sure.

Because comedy is so big now. Yeah. And there's a ton of guys doing 1,500 seaters.

Yeah. Yeah. A lot of Schultz, I think, does arena. I don't know if he's regularly—

oh, he does regular arenas. Yeah. Yeah, he does arenas regularly whenever he wants. Yeah, whenever he wants.

Bert. Bert and Tom.

Bert. Yeah, Tom. Yeah, there you go.

Tony. There's a lot of people doing arenas now.

So mostly guys from my storytelling show.

Oh, which is also online behind a paywall.

Yeah. And these 3 guys are on it. Arena comic. Nice. Theater comic. Club almost sells out Saturdays.

In Denver. In Denver. All good.

It's because you're likable.

Tony, Nate, who— we had a bunch. You, Tony, Nate, Tom.

4 Arena Comics. That's wild.

The 3 private jets were at that show. That's insane. And we got paid $500.

I got a story. You could cut this out. You can cut this out if you want.

Cut back in. And we're back.

We're back.

You should be mad. It stunk.

I wouldn't want to do that. It stunk. With that last jet—

We need a transition. We need a transition. Let's go back. 9/11. Yeah. What? What is that sound? Go baby, go!

Oh, look at the gay ayatollah. Freedom's the only way.

Straits of Hormuz. Iran needs to understand freedom's the only way. Woo! Fuck the regime. We're coming back, brother. Yeah, we're bombing everybody, brother. We need to bomb everybody. Fuck healthcare. Homeless people.

Dude, I'll tell you, I met so many people who should in America when I was traveling, it made me more nationalistic. I couldn't agree more.

If I go to another country and somebody's like, ah, you guys are blah blah blah, I go, dude, you guys are doing nothing. Me and you are like, we need healthcare, we're doing—

we're fucking up. And somebody's like, why don't you guys have healthcare? Like, why don't you shut your mouth? Because we have stealth bombers, bitch. All the Australians like, you treat your minorities bad. I'm like, you wiped yours out.

Yes, we have football.

Blow me. Yeah, yeah, we have college football. We've got college points. We got movies. Solid points by everybody.

Once you go go to another country, that's when you go. Yeah, why don't you guys shut up?

Who's number 2 with stand-up comedy? What country's number 2? England. England. Oh sure, Ricky Gervais, Jimmy Carr.

Those are two great— Carr is great.

Carr is a national, international great. Carr is the best. Stuart Lee. Carr is so good. He was so good, he performed at the Mothership. He's running all his new jokes. I was like, this guy is a motherfucker, dude. He's a great writer.

He's just dominant and so calm, so smart, man.

He's such a smart dude.

I'd like to get involved.

What are you looking for this time, man?

Glass or can?

I would never waste glass on a bong.

Shane, you haven't changed at all.

I wish I could, brother.

It's time to change. You don't want to change. I haven't changed. You have not. I don't think I have.

You can't go out as much.

You did change very little. You changed.

Yeah, you changed it on unimportant ways. You're more into hunting. Well, but like, it's not like archery.

It's different. But that to me is like my way of staying sane. No, you just gotta— I do a bunch of things like pool, archery, martial arts. Those things just keep me sane. I have to do some things that keep me from going off the rails. Yeah. And staying off of Twitter.

Didn't you have a thing where—

that's a big one. Oh yeah. Did you have a thing where your manager or business manager, one of them was like, hey Joe, we gotta— when you just started headlining, correct me if I'm wrong, we're like, we gotta have a talk with you. And you're like, what's the matter? And they're like, buddy, we don't want to get this out of hand. We know you have a gambling addiction and we want to get you help. And you're like, what do you mean? Like, you're blowing through money in a way. And he goes, no, I just love lobster and steak.

Oh, I was eating steak and lobster every night.

That's my first, my 2 lobsters a week.

My manager thought that I had a gambling problem because I was spending so much money. I'm like, bro, I'm eating steak and lobster every night. Yeah, he's like, you're not worried at all you're gonna run out of money? I'll go, I'll make more money, we'll figure it out. I'm like, once we always made it, once we get in the gate, like, I, I'm one of those people that like, if I figured out how to get in the gate, I'm going, I'm gonna keep my foot on the gas, I'll be fine.

Joe, you brought so many openers with you that we made more money than you.

But we did the math once, like, he's barely making more than us, but It was about fun.

It was so fun.

It has to be about fun because I did gigs with like local guys and some of them were great. Like that's how I got to meet Tsugura. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I met a bunch of guys who became my friends that were like local guys, but it was like 1 out of 10. And that means 9 times I'm in a town bored, watching TV, fucking not enjoying myself.

And then being there, sometimes they're mean.

Sometimes they step on your material on purpose.

And sometimes they'll be like, they'll do the negging thing a woman will do. Do where she's like, they'll like shit on you on purpose. Like, I don't know you that—

I'm trying to be nice to you.

Well, there's a lot of weirdness because you're the headliner and they're jealous and they think they should be the headliner. You—

yeah, I go do local material and you're like, all right, okay, buddy.

Yeah, there's a lot. Hey, you should do this. Hey, let's switch tomorrow. Yeah, yeah, you can go on last.

But the gigs were always a party. We had fun everywhere we went. We had fun. Fun is key.

Like, I'll do Skate Fest and you make what, $17? Yeah, but you know My friend's like, ah, you make no money. I'm like, it's fun.

Yeah, it's a great weekend. One of Tony's agents was trying to pitch this fucking horrible idea. Not even Tony's agent, someone was trying to pitch this horrible idea where Tony would take a percentage of everybody's podcast that was on Kill Tony. He was like, no fucking way. Like, even— and I was like, that money, if you got it from them, you wouldn't— it wouldn't change the way you feel. You would feel the same. You wouldn't— you wouldn't say, I feel so much better now that I have X more dollars in the bank. But you would feel like a piece of shit because you were fucking people over. It's— you would pay all that money back plus to not feel that, to not feel bad.

Yeah, yeah, give it all back.

You would not be a piece of shit. It's like, there's nothing better than helping your buddies. Nothing better.

Kind of the only nice thing.

Yeah, Shane pays people on the road out out of spite.

What do you mean?

I do it.

Like, Lev was talking dumb shit. He was so fucking— couldn't get out of his own fat way. And he goes, no, clubs are better than arenas. You're crazy. And Shane's like, you've never done an arena. He goes, dude, you know how Lev is. All Jews. He's like, I know what I'm talking about. And then Shane, out of spite, he goes, I'm going to give you a lot of cash to come open for me on the road. And Lev's like, arenas are better. And I paid my rent for the year.

Yeah, those, those shows, your crowds are great. Those shows are so fun. You do 15 to 20, you just play the hits. It's a great time.

Fun is fun. Fun is fun everywhere.

You're gonna play Xbox with a bunch of guys from the NHL. Yeah, yeah, absolutely crazy. I don't think I've had a woman in my green room.

It's just 15 dudes trying to have a good time.

You can see the guy who owns the arena is so disappointed too. They come in thinking it's going to be cool because stand-up is cool now. And they come in, it's me, Soda, and Shane playing some fucking video game. It just smells like body odor. And they're just like, and there's chicken nuggets in the rider.

So my rider's chicken tenders and a case of beer.

Yeah, second worst pizza in town and bring it. Yeah, good time.

But that video game you play brings everybody in. It's a great icebreaker.

Yeah, it's the hangout afterwards. I had so many memories of us like some town and just going to any anybody in the street like, is there a place to eat around here? Like, I don't know, is it Fogo de Chão? I was like, what? Yeah.

Well, all you need is us. Like, in a green room sometimes I'm like, I don't even want to go to the bar. This is the best. It's the hang.

The hang's everything.

Yeah, at the mothership, it was like, whenever it was like, we're going under Mitzi's, I'm like, yeah, this is a great—

this is right here. We got liquor. Yeah, but Mitzi's, once, once it clears out, it's perfect. Yeah. Oh yeah.

Well, once the, the regular people are out. Yeah.

Yeah. Once the, once the crowd leaves.

That's the cool thing about Mitzi's, it becomes a private club after 11. Yeah. That's nice.

Always lose my voice in there though.

Oh, same.

Well, Tony's chain smoking like a fucking old lady. He's chain smoking, everybody's drinking, there's great music playing.

He's like, "Oh, hell yeah." Tony needs a cigarette extender.

Virginia Slims. His ability to write roast jokes is extraordinary.

It's very weird. I gave him an angle yesterday on the—

Can we say? What? Is he on his knees?

Oh yeah, I think—

yeah, yeah, I just gave him an angle. I was like, what about this? He goes, ooh. I'm like, something like this? He goes, yeah, but wittier than that. Yes. And I'm like, yeah, I don't know how to write it.

Yeah, well, as soon as you go, they're there.

Yeah, they're like, yeah, now you do.

You're like, those jokes are there.

He thinks in like that kind of joke, like roast joke form. Like, that's how— like, he's so fat, he— like, that's how his mind works. It's really fun to watch. It's like, I— because I don't— that muscle's a different muscle.

It's a different muscle.

Yeah, both your guys was good. Good yesterday. It was funny watching them do a gonna be a massive thing ahead of time for a crowd. The crowds are like, this is so cool.

Yeah, well, it's cool because they get to see it worked out. Yeah, they're gonna get to see it live, right? And you get to see people go, yeah, jokes are good.

Not on that one.

I'm very happy with the jokes.

And you're going out cold, right? You gotta open it. Yeah, that's tough.

I'm worried about, uh, I don't think I'm a good host as far as the, hey everybody, we're on live on Netflix. Yeah, I don't think I'm gonna be able to do that. I'm gonna go, all right, fuck that. But just be yourself.

This is my joke. It don't matter. Once you start talking, it's all good.

Dude, there's a video I saw of Waylon Jennings Jr. I think it was him. And they're doing like a roast, like a barbecue. And they're like, we're here waiting for him to show up. But he's been barbecuing this thing for the last 14 hours. And then they come in, some ladies like interviewing him. He's like, so we're ready for your roast. He goes, oh, that's not mine. He was like, no. And she was like, what do you mean? He goes, no, that's a TV thing. Uh, what? He goes, no, mine would be underground. And we'd have like moonshine. And she goes, for the bass thing? No, for fun while we're waiting for the meat to come out. Yeah. He just like ruined the TV version of it. He's like, no, that's a lie.

Yeah, I got kicked off of Last Comic Standing for that. 'Cause they put you in a room and they're like, they want you to have drama. They're like, what do you think? Who are you gonna beat? And I'm like, I'm probably gonna lose. And they're like, no, no, no, you gotta like talk shit. And I'm like, oh, they don't want me on here. I'm gonna bomb. And they're like, what are you doing? You're ruining the show. They want you to be like, fuck that guy.

I'm gonna take him down. Just say, hey guys, well anyway, we know what this, I don't know how you would do it. That's a tough part. That's the hard part.

I'll do it. There's just a couple jokes that I'm like, I know they're funny, but it's like, man, that's gonna be tough to tell publicly.

You had a couple jokes in there that were like, you can hear the reaction of like laughter or like, oh yeah, that's a fucking mothership crowd.

Yeah, exactly.

There's a bunch of people that are like, I paid good money to see somebody be racist tonight.

I'm like, bro, calm down. The black jokes go hard. The black jokes go hard.

I do.

But hey, you know, it's a roast. This is what we— this is what we want to see. I know, but I gotta go fucking first.

That's true.

Yeah, the emceeing and stuff, because you haven't emceed in forever.

But is Kevin Hart gonna be there?

I'm seeing— I've never done anything. Of course.

But like, when he's on, when he's out, he has to be there. If he's laughing, you're golden. He'll laugh. Oh, he'll laugh at everything. So the black jokes with the black guy laughing, you're good to go.

Yeah, I'm not— it's more more the internet.

How you guys doing?

The crowd. Oh, because it's in LA.

I am going to be— it's gonna be live and I'm gonna say some pretty offensive things, and then I'm gonna have to stay in the pocket of being like, I know the people at home like this. Yes. But now an entire room of famous people don't like me. They're gonna kill— on paper it sounds easy.

I get it, I get it, bro.

I know people in the WNBA, like people that work in like management and the, and the, and and the players, and I was going to war over your ESPYs thing.

Yeah, what were they saying?

They were not happy with it at all. What?

They seem like a grumpy bunch anyway. Yeah. Not happy with it.

They go, you got to know who you're playing for. And I was like, right, to me at home watching. Yeah. And they go, that's not— we're the audience. I'm like, no, you're in the room. We're all at home laughing, and we thought it was hilarious. They're like, she didn't even know this lady's name.

I was like, well, that's the point. Neither did they.

But the ESPYs was a good training ground. ESPYs was great. I was nervous and awkward on that. No, but it got 10 million views or whatever.

Anyway, it's for the internet.

America, fuck yeah. Suck a duck a bug. The motherfucking day.

What night is the roast?

Just so I don't fuck up.

Sunday. Sunday. Oh, fuck. I'm going. Damn.

Where you at? The first one. I'm getting there Tuesday.

Oh, no, it's next. Why don't you go there early? What do you have to do on Sunday?

I get there Sunday and then— It's the 10th. It's the next Sunday.

Oh, okay, okay. You just stay?

I think I have a gig.

Me and Louis got matching Legion of Skanks outfits.

Oh, you're on the team now.

Yeah, you're a member of the Legion of Skanks now. So does this— with Jay.

Does this stop you from moving to UK?

Unfortunately, it does. Good, thank God.

Fuck those Lions. Not even unfortunately. This is a massive opportunity for me creatively. This is like a dream.

You've been going long enough.

Thank God for the fucking Mossad plant that got out of there.

The Mossad couple. Yeah.

So I was like, Yeah, maybe I'll stay.

Yeah, it'll be fun. Yeah, you have to. Fuck going to England. Yeah, they're gonna stab you anyway. You left enough. That's true. They'll stab you. They do get stabbed. Getting stabbed would fucking blow dick.

You're right there with the guy too. At least a gunshot. Gunshot could be like, where did it come from? Some distance.

Yeah, like, I know.

Yes, you. I hate you, right? Yeah.

Anyway, you're better off.

Yeah, you're better off. I think it's good. It's divine.

Well, nothing's better off than skanks.

Yeah. There you go. What was it?

15 years running? Yeah. This is perfect for you, Ari.

It's my show.

England's not perfect for you. Vice president.

Although it's weird seeing you tied down to something. Yeah, it is. I've never seen you commit.

Yeah, you're going to abandon.

What, you got to do it once a week?

When Shane and I ran for president and vice president, we'll get into another episode, but the logline was until one of us betrays the other, until one of us double crosses the other one. We didn't. We didn't. Only because you found out Lewis was gonna fuck with me and you double-crossed him. Yes, dude, that was nice. Of course.

I would never do that. I'm not gonna let my president go down like that.

I'm JD Vance, bro. I'm Vance.

Underrated something that happened in COVID is Shane, uh, we're like, we're making a—

uh, you guys were making the biggest mistake comedically. I was so mad.

There was a video going around of, of all these stars singing a song some like Beatles song.

Oh yeah, Imagine There's No Heaven.

So Lewis's idea was like, let's do something making fun of it.

We'll all sing it.

It was down with the sickness and we'll make a video. And I was like, oh, I'll, I'll edit it. So we just gotta sing it first, but I need every single one of you to sing the full song. And I can choose, and then I'll pick, and then I just have a full video of every single one of these dumbasses singing that song. And I was like, first off, the idea was not funny. That is gay. I will not— I was doing it as a favor to Lewis.

I was like, if you think this is good. And then Shane, Shane called me, goes, how, how bad will your retaliation be if I release your video? And I was like, dude, I didn't put anyone's videos out. I was like, bro, as a comedian, send it to Jamie. As a comedian, you should do it. I will scorch the earth to get—

send Aries to Jamie right now. Dude, do you have it categorized?

See, I was— I— and I kept trying to like— like, it was hard to make sure they did it Seriously? So I was like, no, like, don't fuck around. It would be funnier if you guys are like really singing as best you can. You fucked around in yours. I did?

Oh, thank God.

But I mean, it's still a horrific and embarrassing video.

That whole thing was so— Imagine There's No Heaven while Granny just died of COVID Also, it's like, this is, this is like, it's a war song.

Yeah, it's a war and religion song. Yeah. What are you doing? Very—

there was a very strange time where people just got into smelling their own farts.

Yeah, well, the COVID-hidden actors had no juice anymore. They were like, oh, we gotta stand out.

Please don't.

Oh my God, the real one, the one that I imagined. Video. I can't watch this. Throwing it up for you guys to see.

Actors really made themselves worthless. Yeah, I can't.

Okay, we can't sing it. The Beatles are probably— Sarah Silverman being all serious.

She's like, what stars are in this? I'll do it. Oh, she was being joking.

I don't know who that is.

Who is that? Timothée Chalamet.

What's wrong with his teeth? Oh, Fallon. Oh, Fallon.

Hey, he's an opener now.

You can kind of hear it.

Oh, it's a fucking shame. This is worse than being like on Epstein's island.

Get an iPhone clamp.

God, actors.

Yeah.

So fucking weird.

Well, they're not as important as they used to be, so they're like, oh, this will be relevant.

They were like, I'm not getting attention. Let's just do it ourselves. And you're like, you guys can't do this.

The worst was the black and white one when they're like, I am ashamed of my whiteness.

Yeah.

That wasn't even a song. That was just them talking.

The black and white. Doing the BLM vibes. There's so many good ones.

You do.

It's so good. DeRosa. I got DeRosa going, wah.

Send that to Jamie right now. Send that to Jamie right now.

DeRosa will get sincere.

DeRosa gets sincere, especially when he's drunk. Dude, you're such a good friend.

I'm like, shut up, guy.

You're adopted. Shut up.

Shut up. I would never be friends with an adopted guy.

Yeah, you Egyptian weirdo.

Everybody was like trying to be silly, but the bit sucked so bad. So bad. I was so happy when you guys were doing it. I was at Stanhope's when this was going on. Oh my God.

I didn't even get the bit, dude.

I was just drunk at Stanhope's. You guys sucked. You killed us. Me and Stanhope were hammered. You killed us. I was like, look how much these dudes suck. That shit blew, dude. I can't believe you guys did that.

How much you got left in there?

It's such a weird thing when people decide to do things to make themselves look like they're they care. Look like they care.

That's the thing about Hollywood, they want to look like they care.

And it's so fucking transparent.

That's always a bummer. You get that text like, hey, can you make a video for this? I'm like, ah, it's going to ruin my whole day, cuz you like have to think about it and spend time on it. Yeah, it's a nightmare.

Change your number.

Yeah, like, can you help me with this?

You get, you get one or two of those, change your number.

There we go, Jojo Rabbit.

Music please, music please. Oh, it's going to be cold.

Woo, he's back! Baby, ibogaine!

Yeah, mushrooms! Yeah, congrats on the ibogaine, bro. That's sick, dude.

That is such a win. That is such a gigantic win.

They're hoping to reschedule— they're going to reschedule the psychedelics and have them available to people. But what's interesting is that all this was done during the Nixon administration to squash the civil rights movement. The civil rights movement and the anti-war movement. Lots of people don't even like mushrooms. And that was also one of the things that I got to see —say now, it's one of the things that I got to say during the whole Trump thing. You said black people? I said no, black people don't like mushrooms. I said they love certain foods, but you can't bring them up. I, uh, I said these things weren't made illegal. It was like, because it was all live, they couldn't stop me from saying it, and Trump just let me talk. So I said, these aren't illegal because they're harmful, they're illegal because of the sweet sweeping, uh, Controlled Substances Act of the 1970s in the Richard Nixon administration to target the civil rights movement, the anti-war movement. That's why they made them illegal. They're not illegal because they're harmful. And the idea that they were Schedule 1 for all these years when so many people are using them to quit smoking, to quit drinking, to quit drugs, to get their life together, to like relax before they're dying— like so many people that are like filled with anxiety because they're dying of cancer, they take mushrooms and they're like, I think I'm gonna I'm gonna be okay.

Can you get fucked up on ibogaine? No, it's not recreational at all. Oh, weird. Oh, it's bad. It's a bad experience.

What? Yeah, it's not like a fun time.

But it's neuroregenerative, like it helps people that have like, Rick Perry, the governor, he had some sort of like natural atrophy of his brain that happens when you get older. Within 6 weeks or so after doing it, 25% of the atrophy was gone. 6 months later, 100% of it was gone. What? Yes, it's nuts. It's very positive, but a bad feeling when you're doing it. Who is this?

Interesting.

Rick Perry. Rick Perry, the former governor of Texas. Republican governor who is a staunch anti-drug guy his whole life, and then he talked to all these veterans that were using it to get off of whatever opiates that they were on.

He said, let me try it?

Yeah. In secret?

Let me try it in secret?

I don't know if it was let me try it in secret, 'cause he was open about talking about it. Oh, wow. And he did it, and he said it changed his life, life too. And he says, this is my life now. I'm dedicated to trying to make this stuff legal.

So it's kind of like Ozempic. It makes you stop doing stuff.

Well, Ozempic is weird because it does make you stop doing addictive things too.

It does, but it cuts down your sex drive too. It cuts down love.

Like, you don't get excited about stuff. Yeah, people are saying it keeps you from being passionate about things.

Cuts down love.

It's just weird when you see— we were talking about that lady, some of these hot actresses that are doing it, and they don't need to do it.

Be fat and horny.

Horny. Yeah.

Good radio team. Fat and horny in the morning.

It's also— girls don't realize, like, a little bit of fat on them is hot. Yeah, when girls are like 10 pounds overweight, it's like, would they think they're overweight?

Yeah, especially if they're confident with it.

Just gives them curves.

Rachel Ray.

When you— when they lose all that weight and get that Ozempic face, it's like, what are you doing?

Pull up Olivia Wilde. You see her? She looks like—

that's what we were just talking about before you got here. Oh man, pull up her and a lemur.

It's dead in the eyes. It's dead on.

Who's Olivia Wilde?

She's really beautiful. She used to be hot. Gorgeous.

She used to be fat? No, she was never fat.

She wasn't fat at all, man. But she's been— Look how hot. Look how hot. Gorgeous. But now look at the most recent video of her. Yeah, look at that.

Oh, now pull up a ringtail lemur if you can find one.

I know exactly what a lemur looks like, bro.

It's a cute little nugget. Look at that. Same eyes. Same eyes. Wait, what happened to her?

Did she just hit the wall? Oh, Sam.

No, there's no way she just hit the wall. She's still fairly young. How old is she? And she was really hot. She was on some— 42.

She was in House in 2007. She's older. She's 20 years older than she was on House.

Yeah, but dude, recently she looked really hot.

Also, she's gorgeous.

Gorgeous. No, I don't think it's the wall, dude. Her real name's Cockburn. That's funny.

Okay, but does anybody know if she's taking that stuff?

No, I don't think so. That's not even Ozempic. That's the eyes. That's a different different thing.

Look at the giant eyeballs.

I don't want to just submerge the lady. She's still a friend.

It's still a fucking collab.

I think it's a little bit of it is just like, just women have this thing where they think they're supposed to be skinny. Yeah. Oh, 42.

Well, they are.

Yeah, but dude, 42. Look at, look at fucking, what's her name, Jennifer Lopez.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look at outliers. She's hot as fuck.

I mean, that's a Puerto Rican.

Yeah, look at LeBron. But everybody else, it goes out at 38.

Hmm. Could you hand me one of those brewskis? Absolutely, buddy.

What are you looking for? A bottle.

Yeah, bottle rocks.

It's just sad that so many of these women think that they have to be way— especially at holidays. I think it's just a bad picture, a bad night, or— yeah, January. I thought that was a great picture. She's still beautiful, and she doesn't even look remotely overweight.

Dude, Seth Rogen looks like a troll next to her.

That's from 2 weeks ago. 2 weeks?

Well, oh no, that's just fine.

That was what—

yeah, it might have been very bad video.

Let's leave, let's leave her alone. Lady, I was wrong. You didn't hit the wall at all.

You know what I like is, uh, the big fat guys that need the Ozempic. Need it?

Yeah, yeah, I like that. My friend, he's on the fat pill.

Some of them defeat it. Yeah, I know a guy.

We know a guy. I didn't want to say his name.

He plowed right through it. How did he do that?

He keeps eating. He has habits, dude.

When we were doing the 999, he, he— 3 hot dogs in. We had 9 hot dogs, 9 beers, and 9 innings. And by the way, pitch clock, so it's way harder than when it was invented.

Although we did get there early. We got there— O'Connor had 7 hot dogs before the national anthem. O'Connor, unbelievable.

O'Connor's like, what's your strategy? He's like, I'm gonna just chug these hot dogs. Chug hot dogs. Passed out till the 6th.

Woke up and said, wake him up in the night to be like, dude, you're too away, you got to get it. He got it. He was like, I'm a champion.

It's the bread, the salt gets you.

That's disgusting.

Yeah, but Agee Foley, 3 hot dogs in, you look over, he's eating a cheesesteak.

He's getting other grub. He's eating—

what are you doing? And he goes, I want to— I don't think I'll win, bro.

I don't care how full I am, if you put a cheesesteak in front of me, I'm eating that shit. It's like pussy. There's a new place in Austin, there's a food truck that Tony turned me out to that has cheesesteaks. They are— oh, I just had one. What is that place, Jamie?

Do you know the place?

Do you know what it is?

I don't say it, we'll never get in again.

What's that? No, not at all.

Oh, I think I saw it on, uh, they're seamless.

I almost got it.

Is it on 6th Street? Because the food sucks over there.

Food sucks on 6th.

We gotta go off.

It's a weird spot because it used to be the Dirty 6. It was all just like drunk people food. Still, they didn't have to be good. No, it's getting worse. But you got Black Rabbit, that's it. But there's a Fogo de Chão a block away.

I think it might be R&B.

There's a Fogo de Chão a block away from the club. Where? All right, it's, it's down the street.

Yeah, it's on like, it's R&B.

It's on like 2nd or 3rd. I've never— what is Fogo? It's on Congress, so it's 2 blocks away.

Yeah, but it's not 36th, it's way off, right?

Right, but it, but it's, it's not far, right? Right, you can look—

I get what you're saying, it's still downtown. These are the guys, these are the guys.

I'm going going there tonight.

So, uh, what is it? What's the name of it? R&B Steak and Fries. R&B Steak and Fries, bro. I'm telling you, their fucking cheesesteaks are so legit. These guys brought them to the club, and I was like— and Tony's like, dude, you got to try this. I was like, I'm not really hungry, but let me— I start one bite and I scarfed it. I scarfed it.

Oh, they got that fucking sautéed onions.

Oh, it's so good, dude. It's so good. These guys are so— and they're cool dudes. Very, very, very legit.

Go back up, I want to see his nickname. Boo. Boo. Black guys rule.

Boo Radley, man.

It's almost time for Jeremiah Love highlights.

Easy. It's almost time, dude.

Jeremiah Love. Oh yeah, who that is? I love that you're asking. What are we talking about here?

Is that politics?

No, no, football. Jeremiah Love sounds like a football player.

Yeah, it He certainly is.

Yeah. If he was a fighter, he'd probably quit in the third round. I don't know if he— a guy with that name—

if he had autism or— I think he does. He's got at least OCD. But they did a nice docu— like before the game, they always like College GameDay always runs like a heartwarming story. But he had like autism as a kid and they were like, we don't know what to do. And then we got him in football and he was just a fucking animal. Oh, wow. He's just—

that's a big autism.

He's so fast. Wow. Look at him go. Wow, looking at his own sideline.

Dude, autism is a superpower.

Well, you just got to channel it, right?

You're gonna like— tell me about it.

You're gonna like this one.

Norman, you gotta talk. Speak on it.

You gotta find a piano or comedy.

Wow, I can speak about Neanderthal genes, you can speak about autism.

These guys are tackling wrong.

Look at him go, dude. Wow, man, trying to catch a guy that runs out.

Wait till you see him jumping over people.

These guys are tackling wrong.

Oh my God, he's like the correspondence shooter.

Hey Jamie, who is that guy that they just signed from Africa? He's a 21-year-old guy who's never played football before. What?

Philly did. Yeah, he's with the Eagles.

Football, football does that where you're like, as long as you got, as long as you got the skills, we got you.

That was a nice—

just keep this rolling for a second. Look at that move! What a wiggle! Oh my goodness.

All they got to do to tackle him is look him directly in the eyes. Go! Why? Because autism hates that shit.

Really? Is that real? You look at autistic guy in the eyes, he won't look at you back though. They hate— not going to work if he doesn't look at you back.

He's just dodging Do you hate hugs? Hate a hug, bro.

Get away from me!

Get him, get him, get him! Take him down! Go! Oh no, right in the lips. He got tongue in there for the listeners.

That's assault, brother. You should sue Joe.

I might sue Joe.

His whole body was vibrating when I was hugging him. Good Lord. I mean, that's autism. Oh How sick is Jeremy? I love a great athlete. Show him, show Joe him jumping over some people. Hey, what are you boys doing next weekend?

Oh, I think I got a gig.

What do you got? I got to go to—

next week is a roast.

Next Saturday. Next Saturday.

Oh yeah, it's at Netflix Fest, TD Garden in Boston.

Damn, what are you doing? UFC. The UFC in New Jersey. Sean Strickland, Khamzat Chimaev. Bro, they, they don't even have a a face-off. They're worried about putting them close to each other because Sean has talked so much shit.

He's a wild dude.

He's a wild dude. And that shit-talking that he does, it's emotional warfare. Because like, you'll think about the shit— he calls him a goat fucker. He won't stop talking shit. He has no filter. Sean Strickland said that. He said if those three go fuck— if he comes up to me with three of his henchmen, go fuck you He said he— Sean was like, I'll shoot them, I'll pull out my gun, I'll shoot all three of them. He's going like this, boom, boom, boom. Jesus, he's talking so much shit, but that— it's emotional warfare. It's like what Conor used to do, what Conor did with Jose Aldo. He had him so fucked up before that fight. Yeah, he was just like so emo because Aldo was a legend. Nobody talked shit about him, everybody was terrified of him, and Conor was just constantly talking shit about him. It worked. Stole his belt at a press conference and like was holding it up. And by the time the fight happened, Aldo was just so worked up and Conor was just like super relaxed and smiling.

That's how Roberto Durán beat Robinson because he called his wife a whore-a-butt.

Who's Robinson? Sugar Ray? No, Leonard. Leonard, sorry, wrong Sugar. How dare you? He talked Sugar Ray into fighting his kind of fight. Yeah, he literally— Do you think Strickland can do that? No. Strickland is a— He's good, but he's not that easy to beat. No, no, no, Strickland is one of the best fighters on planet Earth. But so is Conor. About. So is Khamzat. But Strickland is also a legitimate world champion. He's a guy who's accustomed to 5-rounders. He's got phenomenal cardio. He's one of the hardest guys to hit in the sport. Yeah, but can he— can he— 100% he has underrated grappling. Listen to me as an expert. He's allegedly— he's one of the best takedown— he's got some of the best takedown defense in the game. Underrated grappling. Strickland has a legit chance.

Can I, can I just say this as someone who's heard you talk about this kind of stuff for many, many years. You give it up more for the person you think is not going to win. Oh, interesting. Cuz you didn't say Hamza in this. You just said—

No, no, no, I will tell you a lot about Hamza.

So you go, but don't count out the underdog.

No, I'll say that eventually if you give me a chance, you fucking blabbermouth. You stop talking. Jesus, you stop.

You stopped. You already made your point. Jesus Christ.

No, Khamzat 100% can win. He look, he dominated Dricus Du Plessis like he didn't even belong in there. Exactly. And Dricus was the world champion, and Dricus had beaten Sean Strickland. But the last time he beat Strickland in the second fight, Strickland, they made him fight. He had a shoulder injury. Like, Strickland's a wild boy, and he crashed his dirt bike and fucked his shoulder up. Oh, he's an— Strickland's an animal. And they allowed him— I mean, they forced him, I should say. To fight. Plus 340. Damn. I— listen, man, I'm telling you, he can win. Not only did he beat Adesanya, but the guy does not get tired. Strickland has some of the best fucking cardio in the sport. He's one of the hardest guys to hit. He's very clever with his boxing. He's got one of the best jabs in the sport. Strickland can win this fight. All right, it's not saying he's going to win. Khamzat is the best grappler at 185, period.

If he gets him on the ground, He can strike too.

It's not just a grappler. He's an animal.

I mean, that's what I mean with the shit talk. He's maybe trying to talk him into standing, right?

Or talk him into a war, or talk him into hitting the gas full clip trying to take— Aljamain Sterling did a video about this, and Aljamain said, here's the thing, if Khamzat tries to just run him over, tries to just take him down, run him over, submit him, and can't do it, then that's a problem because then he gasses himself out in the first round. This is a 5-round 5-round fight. Strickland is notoriously durable, notoriously in incredible shape, and he's calm. He knows how to fight in wars. Like, he's, he's like accustomed to that, you know. He had a very abusive childhood. He doesn't like bullies. Like, Strickland's— he's a tough nut, dude. Oh yeah. In my mind, this is like— I would get Hans out of here. Now you're firing me up.

Yeah, dude, this is a great fight, dude. Have you heard his trans rant?

This is one— Strickland is the best at Fucking just talking wild shit at press conference. Yeah, yeah, he's a wild fellow. He was on the podcast, so he's fun, man. He's fun. Yeah, he gets so angry and worked up about shit, but he's fucking fun. You know what's fun?

Like, now back, fun whites.

Fun whites are coming back.

Oh, he's one of the funnest whites ever. I blame Chet Hanks.

He brought it— oh, he broke it open.

Yeah, white boys, the whites.

Yeah, he got a new accent.

He brought What's his new one?

I don't know, he dropped his old one. He was like, I'm done with that fakeness, I got a new fakeness.

Can you imagine it was Tom Hanks as your dad? That's wild.

You gotta live in that shadow. Colin and Chet, they couldn't be more opposite. Who's Colin? Colin's his other son. You see, he's in a ton of movies.

Colin's less of a phony.

Well, he's more straight-laced. Yeah. Uh, what, Shia LaBeouf?

He's getting drunk, going to jail, coming back out. Is Shia LaBeouf famous? No, I'm just saying, like, wow, looks just like That's hilarious.

He's in a ton of movies.

God, he looks just like Tom. That's crazy. He's gonna be Forrest Gump too.

Good actor.

He looks more Forrest Gumpy than Forrest Gump.

He looks more Philadelphia. What is this?

What do you— Chad is singing. Oh, he's singing now. He's doing country music. Oh boy.

Oh God, he can't—

I thought he was a rapper.

I was, but country's big now.

He's just swinging it every fucking bit. He just goes wherever it's popular.

Renaissance man.

He doesn't suck.

That guy sucks. Accent. He's great. Chet Hanks' Jamaican accent's really cool. Imagine what it's like having Tom Hanks as a dad and trying to find your own identity.

I'm sure it's tough if your father was a molester, but doesn't know—

she's molestation. Come on, you're talking about fucking—

JMO's getting the timestamp. How dare you talk about Woody here?

He was, he was good, he was good in Atlanta, and that's about it.

Atlanta? Atlanta? Philadelphia?

Did an episode of Atlanta. It was good.

Oh, oh, which one? Oh, Chet.

Chet rules. He was also great in, uh, Curb.

Yes, played the soldier. That's right. I didn't see that one. You want to talk great athletes? What about the, uh, amputee cornhole guy? What? What? Where'd that come from? You haven't seen this guy?

What kind of a fucking transition was that?

I know where he's going with it. What athletes? The guy got in trouble for shooting someone. He's got no arms, no legs.

He shot a guy. Did he really shoot somebody with a nub? 100% he shot him. Pull it up. What's cornhole?

I thought he's playing cornhole.

He was. Does he have to attach like a stick to the nub so he could pull the trigger?

He's got a little tiny thumb right on the stump and he could trigger— pull the trigger and killed a guy. Whoa. Yeah. Why did he kill the guy? I think he fucked his stump. I don't know what happened. I remember reading the story.

Son of a bitch.

He was driving the car too. There was 3 other guys in the car and he's the one driving.

What an alpha! Drove the car? Yeah. Wow, this guy's a badass. Was it down a straight road?

He was a professional cornhole player.

He was number 1 cornhole.

No, was he the bag? Here's a video.

There's a video of him climbing a ladder. Climbing a ladder? Yeah, I'll show you that after this. But he's getting passed around in prison like a cornhole bag.

Wanted on suspicion of shooting and killing a pastor in his car during an argument. Look at this badass! Oh, he can shoot guns. I mean, shoot well.

You gotta I gotta hand it to him.

Well, okay, maybe if you don't like to stand on there, Mark.

Less limbs, less movement, less limbs. It's not this end, it's just this.

It's more stable.

I went out on a limb. Oh, you son of a bitch.

There's his cornhole strategy. It's unbelievable.

He's really good. Look at this, he's just sinking them bags. And now he's in jail. Poor guy, he could have been a hero of our generation.

Um, so did Did he kill the guy for a reason? I'm sure. Lost his limbs, bacterial infection at 10 years old, demonstrating shooting. So what is the story? Accused of shooting a guy during a driving argument.

He wanted the two guys in the car to help him get rid of the body. They refused, and then he dropped them out of the car, went and dropped the body somewhere. Someone found the body, and then they came after him.

Shit, that'd be tough to dig a hole, bro.

The way— all right, I don't think he died. I don't think he's Ari leaves like a ghost in the night.

Well, he's old. They gotta piss every 10 minutes.

I'm older than him.

He drinks prune juice.

Goes right through you. So, uh, so it was an argument. He just shot the guy. You think it would take so long for him to pull out the gun. You would just smack it out of his stub.

You'd think. But I think when that guy comes up to you, you're like, what are you gonna do? You're not scared. So the guy's got all the time in the world.

I'd be so scared if I saw that guy.

Hunting blind with the rifle on his back. Look at this psycho! Oh God, he's like a slug.

He's very capable. He looks like Toe Jam and Earl.

What a pull! Wow. I mean, you gotta hand it to the guy for just being independent. Yeah, I mean, we're being mean to him.

I want to make sure he's a murderer before I make fun of him for being—

maybe the guy in the back seat was a real disabled—

he's definitely a murderer. He's in jail.

He's in jail right now. You better believe it. Huh.

Found in a nearby yard. That's who you want as your bunkmate. He's not really dead at the scene.

He was tracked to Virginia Hospital and arrested, set to be— he was in a hospital? Why was he in a hospital? Maryland. Well, did they get in a fight? Yeah, witnesses said they got so rarely in the news. So the guy punched him and he had to go to the hospital? So he was, he was tracked to a hospital. So the guy who he shot was the guy punching him?

Sounds about right.

If you're punching a guy with no arms arms and no legs, he's got to do something to fight back, right? Shoot you.

But that's what's weird. It's like, it says— it's so happy— but it said— if it says he went to a hospital, like, why did he have to go to a hospital? Mad, right? Bad rifle. That's what they say. Riding high in April.

Yeah, it says officer's tracked in the hospital. That's all it says.

Yeah, but why was he in the hospital? So did they get in a fistfight and he pulled the gun?

They probably found a guy who was beating his ass.

Let's get him to a hospital. But it's like, fine.

They were like, holy shit, take him to New York. But it's a weird situation.

I mean, if he was at a hospital, like, why was he at a hospital? Yeah, we don't know the whole story. I don't know.

Anyway, he can—

he plays with me in cornhole.

Pull the car out of the— or pull the body out of the car. They said no, they got out of the car instead, and he drove off with the body still in the car.

Oh boy, how's he gonna get him out of the car? He's got no arms.

Is that Bieber in the middle? Yeah. Oh, I thought it was the same crime.

Celebrity— what did Bieber get arrested for, by the way? Go back up.

Look how dashing Bieber is mugshot.

Did people get arrested for looking cute?

Perfectly straight teeth.

Who knows? Lohan's not bad either. Lohan's not bad there. Lohan rules, dude. Lohan's hot again.

I co-starred in a movie with her. She's back.

Oh good.

Lohan co-starred in a movie with Lohan? Yeah, worst movie of all time. What was that? Inappropriate Comedy, start— directed by the Shamuel guy.

Lohan, you're in that?

Lohan. We had an Academy Award winner, Adrien Brody.

What? What? Adrien Brody? The Pianist.

Uh, who's the chick who got drunk driving who was Who's in Avatar?

Boom, that one at the end, Rodriguez.

Wow.

Oh, I didn't know she got a DUI.

Rob Schneider's in that? Oh, but everybody.

Who's the middle lady with the DUI?

Is that really the worst movie ever?

It's on, it was on Rotten Tomatoes as the worst movie of all time. And for a while it had zero, zero stars.

How did Adrien Brody get roped into that?

Yeah, what happened to him? He got roped into that.

He was on a downturn of his career. He came back, he was on a downswing. You know what's crazy about Brody?

He's banging Harvey's wife.

Wait, am I in there? Oh, you know who else is in there? Oh, oh, oh, Theo Vaughn, Ron Howard.

All right. Wow.

Ari Shaffir, there we go. The Amazing Race.

With some writing. Dante. Christina Pazsiski did some writing on this.

Okay.

Dante is the racist assistant. Rob Schneider is JD.

That's when I was offering black people a free trip back to Africa.

You really did it, man. You really went for it back then.

So when you got the script, did you realize it was going to be that bad?

There was no script. Vince came to me, was like, hey, those Amazing Racists you did, can we make more of those? I'm like, I don't own them. And he goes, can we make new ones? And I was like, yeah, if you want to.

Hey, it earned $172K for $625.

It's opening weekend.

All these pictures of one person in the theater.

I like how it says inappropriate, but for some reason, app.

Oh, it's about apps, dude.

It was all about apps. There's a whole backstory line. None of it made any sense.

Like dating apps? Yeah.

But wait, what year was this? Oh, okay.

It's a good question. 2013.

I remember I saw it by myself. It was the beginning of apps. 625. Dude, this movie was so fun.

I've never heard of this in my life.

We went to the border and I was doing a setup scene and some people were were fucking running and crossing.

But it's so crazy, like, Adrian Broder is a fucking legit actor.

He was down and then he went back up. They gave him money.

Why did he go down? Do a movie with you?

Well, he was in a separate scene. He was in Dirty Flirty Harry. Flirty Harry.

Flirty Harry. So, but why?

What the fuck is going on? I'm not sure. Wow, guys. He went to jail too.

Oh my God, look at Ari. Whoa, bro, we should have a screening of this on the next Protect Our Parks. I would love to see this. Let's, let's watch it and talk, bro. This looks so bad. This is so bad. It's so bad. Who's the girl? The girl with the brunette right there?

Rodriguez.

Oh, the girl from Aliens. Isn't she in Aliens too? I don't know, maybe.

See if she's in Aliens. She's Vendetta. Weasel's lady.

That's crazy. They got her in this. Yeah, kids in cages getting arrested. How does this ShamWow guy talk everybody into this?

Money, bro. GS gave me advice. It was like, hey, they want me to do this thing. He goes, Ari, every once in a while— so people in Hollywood—

oh, there he is. Shane, you can't laugh at this. Young Ari.

Should I sit this one out? Uh, we'll take it from here.

I will say, so like, you guys were making dog shit like this. Yeah. And then I was like, because I wasn't really around for that. Yeah. And then it's like, man, I can't believe cancel culture exists. It's like, oh, now I get it. Yeah, put an end to this horseshit. That's so bad. 2013. It was—

that shit stinks. Fire everybody. 2013. Yeah, those Amazing Race videos were probably Probably like 2005, '06, '07.

Yeah, '05, I think, because it was before— I think those videos were before the whole Mencia thing at the store.

That's right, because he was like, why do you— who are you to say anything about racial jokes? Somebody's like, Amazing Racist.

Yeah, yeah. Wow, that's crazy they got Adrien Brody, because he's probably paid money to try to get that released, like deleted. I've never heard of it.

No one even knows about it. They do now. They do now.

That's right, you have a million people are Currently listening.

Yeah, you guys are actually gonna make a fucking ton of money on that movie. Oh yeah, he did kill Tony.

Yeah, he got caught biting that hook. No, the hook was biting his tongue and he had to like get out of my fucking tongue. And he was like, like, he did something.

That's not so bad. What was he doing with his tongue? She bit it. Why would you have your tongue involved in a hooker at all? Friendship. What's happening?

Yeah, you don't kiss a hooker.

Well, you do if you're drunk.

Passionately. Yeah, let's go. You pay for just kisses.

Let's go. I wish you were my girl.

We knew a guy, we knew a guy at the Comedy Store who would pay extra. I'm not gonna say who, but, but, uh, who would pay extra to fuck, uh, to go down on hookers, um, without, uh, really? Yes, to go down. You don't know him.

Wow, he would pay extra for that.

He's the funniest. He would be open about it.

He's like, nah, they won't let you go down there.

Shane Wowguy is running for Congress? I'll vote for him. Make America grow some balls again.

Like here, it's like Cedar Park. What?

Yeah. What is his first 9 bills in Congress? Poetry with a headset? No tax on Social Security. That's reasonable. Great. Parental class view. Don't know what that is. What does that mean?

Many times ring cameras protect our homes.

We do not— oh, and classes.

A woke buster.

Ring cam Cameras in classes. That's not a bad idea. NXXX on X. Pornography on— oh, boo!

Sounds like this guy wants to jerk off the kids and he's pretending to be a congressman to go, we should set up cameras in schools.

Healthy Screen Act. I like number 5.

Cowboy Code has to be a human at customer service. I like that. That's not bad. That's someone who's annoyed, like, the agent!

Agent! Yeah, that'll ruin India. Oh, interesting. Children need to pray. Oh, come on.

A lot of kids stuff coming out of this guy.

Yeah. Does he have Children? Cowboy coats for kids. Find out if he actually has children. Let's find out the ShamWow guy.

We got a Jew here, Shlomi.

Oh yeah, he sent me a ShamWow jacket.

Oh, did you wear it everywhere? Out of ShamWow. He is a charming fellow.

It must be great when it rains out and that thing weighs 80 pounds. Wear that for the roast.

I go, great, now I weigh 375 pounds.

Find out if that guy has a family. His story is actually kind of odd that he's concentrating.

He would just sell shit in Atlantic City, like on the streets, I think, and he was just great at it. And he goes, I'll take out like Byron Allen, like late night spots, and just sell to more people.

He must have made so much money. He made a ton of money.

ShamWow was nice. I'll tell you, I got a good ShamWow story. One time I was staying at my buddy's house and, uh, I stood up in the middle of the night. I was— he gave me his bed, so I was in that, but his roommate was in the other bed. It was in college. And I just stood up and pissed on the other guy's bed while he was in it. Oh, damn. And then in the morning, I got a shamwow.

You soaked it all up?

Just pressed it against this guy.

Is that what it does? It soaks?

Yeah. It soaks really well. It's a chamois cloth. A chamois cloth is the thing they used to wash cars with forever.

He said he went to 7 companies in Korea. He goes, send me each one. He goes, this one's the best one. All right, put my name on that and run them out.

So is it like a synthetic version of a chamois cloth? Because a chamois cloth is like an animal skin cloth. That you use to clean cars with.

No idea.

Yeah, chamois cloth is like you wash the car and then the car has all this water on it. You use the chamois cloth first and then you polish it with like microfiber cloth.

Yeah, it's what it is. I actually, uh, yeah, it's very absorbent. Yeah, I like the chamois thing. Yeah, yeah, you bring them up, reminds me of—

yeah, yeah, I used to do that. Yeah, I used to work at a car wash.

I used to work at an auto auction.

Yeah, yeah, dealership and a garage. Oh, there you go. I just do it all the time.

Which is why Tires is a good show. It's out of knowledge for sure.

You're right, what you know, bro.

You need a muscle car. You need a muscle car, Shane. I—

hey Shane, you know this, you know what you need? Purchases made. Hey, doing it wrong now.

No, no, he's not doing it.

I'm happy with that one. That's the one's great.

But how about also, how about also you get like a modern muscle car that works really well? Do you know, do you know about Revology Mustangs? Have you ever seen my '68 Mustang? Yes, my bullet Mustang. Yeah, rocks, right? There's a company, this company Revology, they're the shit. They make a brand new 1969 Mustang.

Oh, that's what I wanted. Was? Yeah, I wanted an old—

you know what I wanted? Look at that. This is Revology.

What do you mean brand new? They just recreated it?

So this is— no, it's the guy Tom Scarpello. He worked at Ford. He made the Ford GT.

Can you imagine me getting out of that in fucking gym shorts?

Me, I do it all the time. Yeah, but you look cool.

I would look like a fucking idiot.

You look cool. You look like a fucking American. American. You do look American. You look American.

So that's what I have.

I have that car on the left. I have that car on the left.

I have, um, what, you have that one of the, the blue?

I have the— well, mine is actually green. That is like Steve McQueen's. I have a green one, a '68. But my point is, he makes the new one, which is even cooler looking, the '69. The 6— go to models. '67 is the one. Go to go to models and this is 6.5— no, no, no, no, no, no! The new '69s? This shit? That one? The Boss? The Boss 429?

Click on that.

So it's just an old body with a new car but it's not an old body, it's a brand new version. Yes, it's a full factory, it's a full factory but it's completely reliable.

I can't drive that. Oh my God, Jordan Ones!

I will force you at gunpoint to try that. You need one of those. You need a black one now.

I needed '96 '97 Land Cruiser.

Oh, that's a cool car.

Oh, you do? Yeah, that's what, that's what I was—

I have a '95 with my car, supercharged Corvette engine, and I need a new car.

I couldn't wait long enough to get one.

What you got is perfect. What you got is perfect. Buick Regal. Do you want to tell people what you got?

You need a LeBaron.

No, no, don't tell me what you got, but what you got— see, that's, that's what I should be driving. Yeah, that's a real car. I love those. Jamie, pull up mine. I have a 1995 that TLC made me, and I had to put a supercharged Corvette Corvette engine in it, and then I had Colvin Automotive change the supercharger, jack it up to 800 horsepower. It's got dual exhaust now. Oh, it's a total apocalypse car. It's got a gun safe in it. It's got everything.

Who's the nerd?

That's my friend Jonathan Ward who fucking built the car for me. Yeah, he's the man.

Now, Jamie, call up a 2017 Toyota Corolla.

That guy needs a wedgie.

You need, you need a '69 Boss. That's what you need.

Oh, you got the winch? Yeah. Oh, it's got everything.

You're amazing. Well, I got this when I was worried that— well, I family, and I was worried that at one point in time LA was going to experience an apocalypse, and I had to be able to drive somewhere where there's no roads. So I got an extra large gas tank on that thing. Oh nice. I have steel bumpers all around, rock sliders on the side. I wanted to make it so I could just go run over protests.

I can't wait to get away.

I can't wait to die at the gates in front of your house when the apocalypse happens. You're not gonna die. I can't wait for someone.

Please let me go. I'm gonna let you in. Come Come on, don't. Please, please, please. How dare you.

Save me. You park there like, do not get out of your car.

By then we'll be at the ranch. We'll have the ranch fully operational by now. But between now and then, you need a fucking Mustang. You need a Boss, brother.

Is Mustang the only one they make? Can we get like an old Porsche? Can I get an old—

Well, there's plenty of companies that do that.

I'm too big for an old Porsche.

You're too big for a Porsche.

Yeah. Land Cruiser would be sick. There's another company called RSR Recreation. Creations. They make a 911. It— you can get it with no fucking AC, no nothing. It only weighs 2,000 pounds. Dancing Jews.

I knew about it on 910.

Dancing Israelis. Don't Google dancing Israelis, whatever you do. Don't read into that story. You'll go, hey, what? Wait a second.

Okay, back. All right, there's, there's my fucking platform. Okay. What about— let's get rid of APAC. Let's get rid of all those fucking lobbyists.

Yeah, all lobbies. Not just the ones that are convenient. You need a muscle car. If you don't want to get that, how about a new muscle car? How about a Shelby, a Shelby Super Snake R?

Brother, I'm never driving that, brother.

But you should. You need one car. You need none.

What? You need one car.

I need one car. I have a pretty small house and a tiny garage. What are you, a communist?

You need to get a new house. First That's why you need to do— you're a fucking baller now, so you need a new hat. Look at that, that's a Shelby Super Snake. He can't drive.

You know what that would look like? Me getting out or bringing a girl in there and going, I know what it looks like, look, I'm not gonna get hard.

850 fucking horsepower.

That's gonna be great to pull into a parking lot. Shut up, Ari. Get on the open road.

I was telling Ari back when Ari first started making money, I go, Ari, please get a nice car, please just get a nice car. How about a Cadillac Blackwing 2022? How about one of these? How about a CT5-V Blackwing? How about that?

Can't have a caddy? Come on.

I agree. If I saw someone driving around—

that's my dad's car.

That is not your dad's car. That's a black guy. That thing has almost 700 horsepower.

Very reliable.

Very reliable. You can solder the fucking hood shut for 5 years.

Why would you do that, Ari? You have money too, Ari. You drive me crazy. I'm trying to get him to buy a BMW M3 in like 2008. Oh, that'd be nice.

I love a BMW. Why didn't you do it? Because I had to put all my money to this goddamn storytelling show.

You're going to make it back.

I put my money into that. Yeah, but you made it back already.

You told me you made it back.

You spent more money. Yeah, I had to make the budget back. The yen available right now.

I've tried for years, maybe decades, to try to talk you into buying a nice car.

Yeah, he can't. Look at that hat.

It's New York. You can't have a nice car.

Yeah, you can't have a nice car.

I got an old—

you got enough money to have a house other places. She got house out here. Get a house out here with a garage and keep some nice cars in it so you could fucking roll.

Do you have enough money for that?

I do not.

You spent all your money on— I'll give you the fucking money.

Tell me what car you want to buy.

Hold on a second.

Are you buying houses?

I'm buying him a car, not a house.

I'm still waiting to get a watch.

I held out. He said watch.

I'm like, I'll hold out for cars. He gave you a watch, you didn't wear it.

It's a Rolex. I would buy you a watch if you'd wear it.

If I buy you a watch, will you wear Sure. How many times?

Every day. I'm thinking really? I shower with this, right?

But if I bought you a real watch—

I mean, not like a Rolex, one of those astronaut fuckers. Okay, yeah, but I don't wanna— I don't wanna—

next, protect our parks. I'm gonna get you a Speedmaster. Pause. Hold on, Omega. Can I tell you what he wants?

Sham, what was a Speedmaster?

He wants that size watch, not a bulky one. He wants a thinner watch.

All right, listen, I like a small watch.

This is not too big. This is a Rolex, but it's on a rubber strap. It's a little understated. G-Shock rules. Would you wear that?

Indiglo? I like a metal band, but yeah, it's a good-looking watch.

$100,000? What did, what did Louie get you?

He got me the, uh, Oyster face, or what do you call it? Oh, okay. It's really nice, and it's inscribed in the back. Thanks for working with me, LCK. You don't even wear it. I— it's on my shelf.

It's propped Okay, so if I buy you an Omega, you're gonna wear it? Hell yeah.

Okay, you don't have to buy me an Omega.

I was just fucking around. It's over.

Norman, Norman, you're gonna love this. Egit gave me the coolest thing that I have, which was Norm MacDonald's cup on the Late Night with Letterman. Actual mug. Pull that up from Norm doing a talk show.

Oh, Letterman.

So he had that, he brought it home?

That's cool.

Wow, that's a great one. That's pretty cool. Best gift I got. That's an I would protect that.

That'd be scary. Imagine if a chick comes over your house and drops that. Can I have a cup of tea?

Whoopsie. Oh, I protect it. It's on my mantle. It's in the middle of— it's above my face.

Wow, that's great.

I put like ring ropes around it to cushion it.

Yeah, I probably should. Mickey Mantle.

Yeah, that's a— that's a good one. That was the best one. Those Rodney notes are great. Oh my God, isn't that amazing?

In the green room, yeah, those handwritten Rodney notes from his Tonight Show special. It's cool. Whitney got us those. Rodney's wife donated it. She found out about the club, she knew we were doing it, and she donated it to us.

Wow, very cool.

It's amazing. And you get to read them and you see how he like would like make the punchlines bold and all the notes, then bold punchline.

Oh yeah, it's cool.

Just, it's like the feeling, the spirit of like joke writing is in that room.

He was, he was a drug addict, allegedly.

No, that was the coolest thing about Rodney was that when Rodney enjoyed drugs I don't know if he was a drug addict.

When weed was illegal and cops would come into a club he was in, he was just smoking weed. He would just go up to him like, hello, officer, how you doing? Just holding— he knew he was immune. No one's going to touch him.

I told you guys, when I worked as a security guard, when I got to see Rodney perform, when I worked as a security guard—

whoa, I know you beat up a guy with a walkie-talkie.

No, I didn't beat him up. Oh no, that was Alley Cat. That was my boss. That was the first thing I've heard you say.

That was— I was like, damn, Joe's old.

He's like, no, that was my boy Alley Cat. That was the boss. So what happened was, uh, one of the guys from my taekwondo gym got, uh, hired to be security, and they were like, bro, it's like $50 an hour, it's really cool, you get to see concerts. So we all went, and I got to see Rodney there. Rodney was backstage with nothing on but a bathrobe. Open? He was completely naked. No, I didn't see that. I saw him walking around with slippers in a bathrobe, and then he went on stage with nothing nothing but a bathrobe. Dang. Bathrobe, naked underneath it.

What? Went on stage that way?

That's amazing. In 1986. Okay. Wow. And fucking destroyed. I was 19. I was mesmerized. And back then I wasn't even thinking about doing comedy. I was just fighting and I was enjoying it. And I was like, this is, this guy's so free. I remember thinking that. Yes. Like this guy's on stage with a, I mean, destroyed. I get no respect. No respect at all. And the fucking place is going nuts. He was killing punchline after punchline after punchline. I was 19. I mean, I was blown away.

And you were working? I was working. Yeah, that's a good gig, got to see the shows.

That was also the job that I quit when, you know, the whole thing would happen with COVID where Neil Young pulled his music off Spotify because I was giving out vaccine misinformation.

Wait, is that until he couldn't get it played elsewhere? Yeah, it was not really—

he didn't even own his music. It's all bullshit. But anyway, I, I didn't shit on him at the time even though he's trying ruined my life because I was a Neil Young fan. And I told the story about how when I was a security guard, the last day on the job was a Neil Young concert because a riot broke out. And a riot broke out, I was like, I'm not fighting for $50 an hour. I fucking zipped up my hoodie and I just walked out. And I never even got my last check. Damn. It was cold out, and Great Woods in Mansfield has a whole lawn. It's an amphitheater, so the front part, it's all seated, has a cover over it, and then the back part's a lawn. And it was It was a little cold out, so these fucking animals at the Neil Young concert started lighting bonfires. And so the security guys had to come over and tell them, hey, put out the fires. And drunk guys were like, fuck you. And my friend Larry punched some guy, and Larry was like the nicest guy in the world. I'm like, oh my God, we're having a war.

And so the fight started breaking up, and as soon as like my friends were safe and we were— I'm like, let's get the fuck out of here. I put on my hoodie and I just quit. I just— I'm like, I'm not fighting these fucking people. And that was my last day on the job as security Bonfires and fist fighting at a fucking Neil Young. Neil Young. It's so crazy. Yeah, it was 10 taekwondo black belts, including like national level competitors, that were all security guards. They were just waiting to kick somebody into a roundhouse. And Neil Young fans, we never— I mean, Joe DeRosa, one guy. Okay, let's hear this.

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

All right, go. Uh, hold on.

Where's the volume? I don't know. There's no sound, of course. I remember that was his COVID time, huh? Yep. I remember you'd wear that.

Oh my God. Is this our— Oh yeah, yeah.

I was like, I'll add the song.

What's the— with the glasses?

I don't know. I was doing something. It's giggles.

Oh my God, this is brutal.

I forgot that was my best part, is I said I'll add the music.

Broken.

Yeah, it was like a hostage video.

Please turn this off.

This is horrific. I love the roses. Oh man, he took it so serious.

I mean, that's not as fun as Roddy naked.

That's damn shame. You killed me. I did not enjoy that at all. That was bad.

I'll turn it— did you see the Scientology speedruns that were going around? What's Scientology places all over the country.

They're breaking into them.

Why? Speedruns. Speedruns?

Yeah. No, let me see this. They're trying to get as deep as they can possibly get into a Scientology building. Building removed all the doors. A secret prison.

Speedruns. Wow, that guy at the White House Correspondents. Yeah, so cold. Oh, you wanna play games?

No, I don't. Wow, damn.

Speedruns is such a great way to go through something, just run as fast.

So this is a trend.

They'll kill you, those guys. To the point right now that they've like, uh, they've taken the, the handles off the doors on the outside.

I went— oh, I went— me and Natasha went to, uh, to Scientology once. Yeah, I'm fine. Yeah, and I was— they kind of got me a little. They were like, can we get some information from you? I'm like, I mean, my home address if you want. And she was like, what the fuck are you doing? I'm like, I don't know, they're getting me. The book they saw was, it's good for ages 8 to 8.

Wow. So this kid just ran through. Whoa.

Maybe whites are coming back. Causing as much chaos as they can, like 10 seconds. They're not really doing anything other than just— good. But all these other people behind them, are they Scientologists?

Are these just all kids? These would be the kids running. Also, there's more than one kid. It's multiple kids. 30 of them. Good for them. Trouble to get through. Oh, look how deep they're going.

Yeah, they're just like, what's inside? What are you guys hiding? I love these guys. No one really has ever seen inside those buildings. They're having fun. Oh, how weird. They just run out the exit.

Well, they're like the second biggest real estate holders in Los Angeles.

Yeah, they're crazy.

Oh my God, look at this guy trying.

I think it's like China and then Scientology raid with Jesus. They're trying to open the door. Oh, I love it.

Oh, this is like— dude, it's over.

They got you. They deserve this. Those You guys are cunts. I mean, look at the inside though too. I've never—

Scientology has a voting block in Los Angeles.

It's pretty cool inside, it's like a museum.

Look at that. Wow, I want to go in there. Wow. Yeah, you take a photo outside their building, they'll tackle you.

Well, I remember during the '90s a lot of people were thinking about joining Scientology because it was really good for your career.

Acting class, uh, something East.

They had Will Smith, Tom Cruise, Brian Cowan was in an acting class with Scientology guy, and I remember he was like telling me that like a lot of these Scientologists, they like get really far in acting because like you get connected, right? Deepest recorded Scientology run.

I just started recently, I think like this month. Good for them. Look at this guy moving.

Look at this guy with the fucking suits trying to stop him.

Put a hand out as if that's gonna do it.

Very unenthusiastic.

Hey, did you guys see the fat principal who stopped the school shooting?

Yeah, that was amazing. What? Yeah, I think Virginia. He got shot. The guy came into the building with a gun, and this fucking principal just rushes him, grabs him, tackles him, holds on the gun. He got shot in the leg, apparently. Badass. And then he went into a party. It was like the prom. Yeah, it was the prom, like a week later, and everybody went crazy and cheered. He became very emotional. Stopped the shooting. He stopped the shooting. 20 deaths. Yeah, I mean, stopped it in its tracks as the guy came in through the front door.

You do have one moment where, like, you see it, you You realize and you're like, let's go. They have a pretty—

injured in school shooting. Shooter identified as former student. Former Oklahoma, that's where it is. Wayne Coyne.

Yeah. Wow, look at the guy.

That's the guy. But if you watch the video, the guy fucking literally threw himself on the guy with the gun. Completely heroic.

Show me his face again, dude. That's a guy who loves brewskis. Oh yeah, oh yeah, 100%.

Barbecue, brewskis. He's probably not worried worry about his death. Hey Mark, I can't even drink that yet, you know what I'm saying? He's ready to go. He's ready to go.

He's a Viking. That's an American Viking, dude. You get fat as shit, you drink beers, you go, fuck it, I've been waiting for somebody to see you, brother.

He's a hero, goddamn it.

Didn't Kash Patel say that about somebody? See you. Yeah, about Charlie Kirk.

Yeah, the corniest fucking shit ever.

That's a rough one. Your watch is over.

We'll see you in Valhalla. Shut up.

I I was watching a video on what a 30-06 round actually would do to a neck.

Oh no, here we go.

Yeah, they showed like what the actual rifle round would do to a person's neck versus like what you saw from Charlie Kirk. Yeah, there's a lot of people that don't think it was really that guy on the roof that shot him, that was something else. Some people think it was a microphone, but the problem— yeah, the microphone shot him in the neck, like there was some sort of an implemented destruction device. The problem I have with that is you don't see any fire coming off of the microphone, right? Like, if a microphone is going to kill you, it's going to shoot you somehow or another. It's got to be an explosive charge, and then you'll see a flash, and then something will projectile from that into your neck.

Say a microphone. Yeah, somebody shot him, right?

Someone shot him.

If a rifle shoots your neck, wouldn't it go far away?

You would imagine it would. And in these videos that I saw, it like shows a massive destruction. So what they're using is ballistic gel. And so they have like a fake neck and a fake head and like a spine. They show ballistic gel, what it looks like, and it just blows the neck completely apart. It's just splatter, a giant opening wound, because this tissue is very soft. I mean, this is not durable tissue. And he got shot and it was not even an exit hole. Did they catch the guy? Supposedly. You know that? You know the story? Well, you— about your picture. Oh, you're so—

I remember at a bar in Guatemala, someone's like, who's Charlie Kirk? I'm like, I think he makes— I think he makes fun of college kids.

You're right about that.

That's not wrong. And then I was like, why? They're like, I think he got killed.

I was like, oh, bro, there's many, many, many, many, many layers to that story. Past the weed. And his wife is very happy.

Outdoor bar, like, yeah, anyway, bro, pass that over.

Yeah, sorry, many levels. I didn't want me to come down on you, but that's—

that's weed. Oh man, I don't even know that guy.

Dude, I was looking for weed and the type was smoking. I'm like, I'm looking for that weed.

In Guatemala?

Yeah, at a bar.

What is the legality of weed in Guatemala?

Same as like 5 years ago here, like do it quietly.

Oh, you can get arrested though, and you wind up in a Guatemalan jail.

Imagine if we had to bail you out like fucking the '80s.

You wouldn't even know.

We would never bail you out. I would. I'd go there and sit there for a little.

Nah, I'd fly to Guatemala. 100%. 100%. Yeah, if Ari was in jail in Guatemala, 100% we'd get him out.

Nah, that'd be fun though to let him sit for a few days.

Yeah, he needs to learn his lesson. Of course I'm gonna get weed.

I'm the guy who gets weed. The lesson is keep getting weed, man.

We'd have to go get him. I'd make you guys come with me. We'd have to film it. Yeah, protect our parts from a fucking national park. Whoever filmed your fucking that whole run that you did with that guy. Yeah, he'll put some witty quotes. Get him in there.

Get Ari in there.

Look at this. State of emergency because of that. Gang prisons.

Prison riots and the gangs. He'd be in that gang getting fucked.

Good to get you back in the camps.

I can't have you in there, Ari, getting fucked by these Guatemalans.

Dude, those guys who gave me weed who told me about Charlie Kirk, they were like, what do you think about Trump? I'm like, I don't really know. And then I figured out how to turn it away from that conversation. I go, how's Who's your guy? And they go, our guy sucks.

He's so crooked. Maduro? No, it was somebody in Guatemala. Oh, sorry, wrong country.

You just turn it on their guy. They love talking about it. Yeah, it's not Maduro.

Oh, that's good. Far away. Yeah, yeah.

He's like, how's yours? Like, he's crooked. He takes money from corporations. I'm like, yeah, we do that. Boo. Yeah, better than El Salvador.

That place is even crazier.

No, what they do— El Salvador rules. They stopped all the crime.

Didn't they have a ton of gangs?

They threw them all in giant prisons and stopped all the crime. They drove them out.