Transcript of South Beach Sessions - Beth Stelling New

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Look how happy she is. You saw that was not feigned enthusiasm. That was sincere. She's happy to be here on South Beach Sessions. Stelling.com is where you go. She's got a new special. I love the name of it. Before I get to the name of it, what was second place on— 'cause you name things well. This is my— I have a favorite thing you've named before. It's not this. And so I want to go through it with you, but we're looking for people who do huge numbers on social media. It's a bit of a mouthful.

Yes, I tend to name things long but powerfully. The runner-up for this one was To the highest bidder.

And what is your favorite named thing? 'Cause I've got a favorite.

The funny thing is, is after you do it, once you have to say it for a long time, or people are like, "I liked this," or they get it wrong enough or whatever it is. Excuse me.

Wow, you really let that fly. I grew up in an all-female household. That is the best burp that has ever been on this show. You can let it fly in all the ways here.

That was actually a performance piece from my last special. We're looking for people who do huge numbers on social media. It is actually the origin of one of the jokes. I'm drinking LaCroix and it made me burp. Okay, and then I'm trying to think about my favorite named thing. Huh, you just get sick of 'em after a while.

Simply the Beth.

Oh, okay, thank you.

Because you've got a lisp.

Yeah. Because it's Simply the Beth.

No, and I don't think you've done better than that, but you're sick of all of them, you're saying? Not all of 'em.

I don't know. It's just like after a while they just change for you or more for all those things. I also like "If You Didn't Want Me Then," but it's a, what do we call it? Titular, right? When it's like the title is part of the thing. Is that what I'm looking for?

Well, titular, you got me. I've got a pretty good vocabulary, but you've stumped me and now you've made it awkward.

Sorry. And I said tit.

Yeah, and you did do that. And you burped as well. So I'm pleased with your comfort so far. I should tell them that comedian, writer, actress, the thing that you like best of these, the answer's always comedy, right? Stand-up. What is it that lured you at the very beginning to this?

I think I was always fascinated with it, and it seemed so scary and impossible to achieve because, you know, especially back then, there weren't exactly stand-up classes for me or things I could find in Dayton, Ohio, or even when I went to college a little further away in Southwest Ohio, so. But it was a friend of mine. I did speech and debate. I was like in the humorous category, which was like my first sort of foray into solo performance of comedy. And my friend Will Allen burned me the Jim Gaffigan CD. And I remember thinking like, okay, this is what that is, you know, and, and being so curious about it because there's stuff you just don't know. Like, did he write it all and he thought of it all and performs it? So those were the first examples for me of standup comedy because We didn't have cable, so I wasn't like sneaking standup. In fact, I was never a student of standup. If anything, I loved comedy movies. So I loved— I got my laughs early from imitating Jim Carrey and Robin Williams.

My introduction literally to standup is seeing Jay Leno on David Letterman and just having no access to what any of that was, like how it was happening, what it was. Yours, you have no path at this point, right? You're seeing something on television sometimes, but— Yeah, I did.

I didn't see any stand-up I recall on TV. Like, it was always just those— we— maybe I knew they did stand-up or something, but I— they were just comedic actors that I loved and would imitate. And same for like Mike Myers, and I loved Whoopi Goldberg, Chris Rock, like, but it was in their movies. I, I wasn't like, who needs— you know, it was maybe until high school, one of my boyfriends would taught me a little bit about Chris Rock stand-up, like, "Who needs jail when you have the tossed salad man?" So it was like, that was introduced to me by little bits from someone else. But I didn't really fall in love with stand-up until, I guess, just doing it. And I also, once I decided I wanted to try it, I was obviously scared, but I didn't want to watch any stand-up, 'cause I was terrified that I would steal someone's persona. Or mimic, because that's how I had gotten my laughs for so long. So I just didn't watch any until much later.

So you didn't study and didn't really dream of it, didn't have a path, and were scared.

Yeah. Yeah. And I was a theater kid, and not necessarily in the classic sense that the term is used, which essentially just means annoying and overreacty. I just studied theater, and it was a liberal arts school. It wasn't a conservatory, so I got to act a lot.

But why would you be attracted to being scared of it?

Mm. Like, what? Well, that's not what attracted me. I don't think. I think what attracted me to it was not having to rely on anyone else. That's a theme, is like, not having to rehearse with anyone, not having to do material that I didn't care for. Because that's what theater is. Like, you're not shopping for what theater company is doing the play you want to do. You're begging for a role in Euripides. It's like you're showing up to do your monologs to maybe be in Birds by Aristophanes and be like, "I hope I get to play an emu." Oh, so what's appealing to you is the ability to do your own thing.

This is control. It's all control. There's no one but you is the master of the creative.

Yes. And it's all on me. I don't have to rehearse. And I was barely getting paid in theater anyway. So it was a way for me to not have to rely on anybody. And I've always, I've been like that a lot. It was like, don't, like, you know, even just earlier, like, I'm used to, don't, I got it. Like, I'll do it myself. I can't rely on anybody to do anything for me.

Well, what's happening there? Why?

I guess, I mean, like, I'm sure a lot of things date back to my childhood, of course. Like, I think we all have those pathways formed really early, but I'm trying to think of like characteristics of me as a kid. It was very much, I hated having my grandma do my hair. And it was like, I was a gymnast early. And so like, I would like slick back my hair, you know, put it in a tight ponytail. It was like everything needed to be like kind of perfect and controlled. And I think that's how I feel most safe. So there's probably maybe a scotch of OCD in there a little bit, but I've never been, I say that reluctantly because I see qualities in my dad, but it's more in the realm of, like my sister had an overhand washing thing, but my dad is more like clean, clean, pick up, pick up, pick up. And so I think that's part of it. Also, we had to live with our grandparents for a little while, and my grandpa was a World War II vet, and it was very much like, don't touch the walls, no shoes, use only a few squares of toilet paper.

You know, it felt very limiting. And, and I don't know, I think that's probably all related to me feeling like safe. Like I've had issues with that. You know, depending on how comfortable or happy I am in my life. You know, I can tell, like, if I'm dating someone or starting to see someone, I have them over, and after they leave, I clean my entire apartment. That's a sign that maybe I'm not, like, super comfortable with them, or, or just in my life I'm not feeling— yeah. So that's— thankfully it's not something I can't control. The times it has gotten out of control, I can notice it. And I'm not saying, like, It's good that I've never had to take medication. I think that can work for people, but I'm not there. So that's why I'm reluctant to say like, I have this, but I notice things getting out of hand at times. Like I tried to adopt two little kittens and I was writing on the last OG at the time. And in the morning I would clean up after them for, I'm not kidding. You know how people lose track of themselves on their phone?

I would lose track. Like I was cleaning for maybe 2 hours in the morning. Then I got home 2 hours at night. That's a lot. Right. So, and I love these little kittens. I love animals. I wanted to be a vet, but it was like this idea that they're so little and cute. I think I had them, I don't know if I, I think I let them sort of go wherever they wanted in my apartment at the time. But anyway, it was like, they're so little and I would think about them using the litter box and then they would sometimes step in their stuff and then like, where did they track it? It was very much like, where is it? And I have to wipe everything down. And that's not, you know, So crazy to not wanna have cat shit in your house. But it got so out of hand that it was like, if there's even a single thing of litter, I have to clean everything.

But you're also compulsively caring for a thing that kind of needs you, so there's all of that in there too, right?

And I love them so much. I mean, it broke my heart. I actually was able to get them a home with friends who adore them. They're two comics, Anna Samarian and Sean O'Leary, so they have them and I can see them.

Why did you say that that way? Why are you whispering that that way? Have you just outed them or something? No, no, no. Or just because they're cute?

No, I was just saying, And those are the comics that have the kittens.

But I want to talk to you about—

Their parents that I keep in touch with.

But you said that in a strange, an unusually soft way, sort of syrupy.

Oh, I don't know. It was just like me being like, I should say who it is.

Okay.

I don't know. I gotta give credit to the parents doing the hard work.

Let me go a little deeper here into the roots of your control stuff. Your father and whatever was happening with him, you're absorbing that. He was bipolar. As a child. And so that feels unsafe.

Yes.

Like, obviously that feels unsafe. So who wouldn't want human control over their surroundings, right? That's where that starts.

For sure. There was a lot of— and I was very little at the time. So, you know how it affects— I have two older sisters, so it affects all of us in a different way. And that continues to this day. How we perceive the world, our romantic relationships, who we choose, that's like all imprinted at an early age. I was very young, but that's still that time period where you are sort of imprinted. And it's like, well, you're in that path, you know, go for it. You're a magnet being hurled towards a fridge, being told not to stick. So it's like, I'm going that way until I figure out how to change the path.

You must be very driven, though, to say to yourself, I'm going to go and fight everybody in comedy, which is notoriously competitive. And as long as I've got all my own shit, I don't need to collaborate with anybody. Okay, this is where I'm going to compete. Yeah.

And I think I take pride. It's only now, like this, I think I'm maybe 18 years into stand-up. Well, maybe 19. I don't know. I started in '07. I— let's not do math right now. But I think I'm more into collaborating now, having written on shows, having written jokes for other comics and enjoying punching other people up or offering them things and being paid for that. So now I do see it more collaborative. Whereas when when I started, it felt very lone wolf. It's all on me. And that, that was the beauty, that was the glory of it. Nobody helped me. This is all me. And I think that's like an interesting misconception that even happens, or happened for the longest time before maybe social media. When you would see someone on stage like getting an award, they're the star of it. And then once you get into the industry and more and more, and you're like, no, 40 people made you that. And some people would think like, my mom and this, and it's like, you're who you are because somebody wrote your words, somebody did your makeup, somebody, you know, all the things.

So I thought that was so interesting to see over time. I felt, or I thought I noticed a shift of people giving credit to others than as opposed to the attitude of like, it's all me and you're welcome. Because that's a choice, I think. And I think it was a, it was like a, I don't know, a theme for a long time, which was like, accepting that you're the star and nobody's helped you get there. And not just in stand-up, but I mean, like, sort of in the acting and entertainment world too.

Well, what would you go about saying to describe what you— the difficulties in your path were in? No one helped me, or I didn't— there's no— you're coming from Ohio, there's no schooling, there's— I don't even know how you dreamt it up, right?

We have school. Yeah.

And there's no schooling for this.

Yes, yes.

There's no classes. You can't take stand-up classes at college or in high school. Not that— but you'd have to be in an arty place than where it is you were.

My freshman year of acting school, or maybe it was just Acting 101 or something, they had— Julia Gachard, my professor, had like a Fool's Day. And it's essentially like, if you could do anything, what would you do? So that's interesting to say to theater kids because it's like, act? You know? But I think it meant like— I'm trying to think about what other people did. Some people did music. Other people— I'm trying to remember what other people did because I was like, I'm going to do stand-up. And of course, I put it off until the last minute. I wrote it that morning from my desktop and printed it out. It was like half a page, single-spaced. And I was like, this will be a good hour. And I get up there and it was like done in 30 seconds or something. I was like, well, that's it for me. I'll be here all year. So yeah, I think it was like, that was my— I knew I wanted to do it then at 18.

But not that much if you were putting that kind of laziness into the procrastination like you're doing at the moment.

But that's definitely comic. You know, like, that's not every comic. I mean, I'm more Type A for sure than other comedians, I would say, but I am still a procrastinator. And I don't know, sometimes I— sometimes it does feel like, what would happen if I worked harder or prepared? You know, and I do, like, even last night for that show, I was told my set was 5 minutes. And so, which is like, to me at this point, when you're on the road having to do 45 to an hour as a headliner, You don't wanna sound pretentious, but 5's hard. It's like an Olympic event of stand-up in the sense that it's like, that's a very specific event. And you don't just get up there and say, what do you guys wanna talk about? How are you, what's up? It's like, here's who I am, here's the jokes, and close it out strong. So I prepared for last night to do my 5 or whatever. I don't know where I was going with that.

You were cracking the hell out of those knuckles too. We were talking about procrastination and you said you're Taipei, and you said all comedians are procrastinators in some way, but not for the same reasons. Not for that original speech though, you didn't prepare, you wrote it on a sheet of paper the morning of. 'Cause I was nervous. And you went up there and you thought you had an hour and you had 30 seconds.

Yeah, well the hour was an exaggeration. But yeah, that was, and I think I was like that a lot, I don't know. I could get by in school and do pretty well if I just crammed right before. I don't know, I was always a good student, but yeah, I wasn't exactly preparing a ton. I was very good at memorizing, and I would always have my lines memorized for the plays. So, like, I was able to do what I needed to do.

But where does your funny come from? Like, the starts of it?

I think part of it, like, there is a theme for a lot of comics that they're the youngest kid of the family. You pop out to an audience, you know? And so, I always wanted to make my sisters laugh. There is something to be said, too, about being in uncomfortable situations or, you know, after our parents' divorce, having to go visit my dad and his wife in Orlando. Like, those times, looking back, are nuts, you know? A 6, a 10, and a 12-year-old flying from Dayton to the— having a connection in Atlanta, finding our way to our next flight, and then flying to Orlando. Just 3 little kids in the Atlanta airport and Orlando airport. And it's looking back at those times and knowing that we were fighting, but also probably like scared at times and nervous and being in uncomfortable situations because of our stepmom and and just me trying to make my sisters laugh and break the— break the uncomfortableness. And I loved making my mom laugh. I loved making my sisters laugh. I think it was for sure a way to lighten things up. And I was— I don't know if you exactly know you're in a strange situation, though, as a kid.

In Orlando, when it's the 3 of you and it's just the 3 of you and you're taking a flight and you're going to a wedding that—

Well, they already got married when we showed up. They were already married.

Okay, so you were just going to an unusual place, a foreign land, traveling just you 3. Yourselves, but you're also fighting in that age group over who's gonna eat the peanuts. Yes. And you're also scared because why are we going to a different city unsupervised?

And they got the cheapest flights on AirTran, so it's like two of my sisters in this row and then one in the middle over here. And it was always like, Beth, you're in the middle. And then I would make a friend. I would like meet the lady next to me and like, I don't know, make a friend.

So you, but you were the little one and you were treated like the—

Yeah, I think I was a little, I love my sisters. There was no psychotic bullying of me. We were all close because we had to stick together. So I've never had super rough patches with either of my sisters. Even when we had a recent rough patch with my sister, we sort of lost her to one of her husbands, and now she's sort of coming back to us. But she was very much isolated and in a bad situation.

But are they looking— of course she's a stand-up comic. Like, do they see who— like, they—

Yes.

They knew what you wanted from very early. Yes.

I was a ham. And I loved, like, we didn't have money for like a camcorder or something, but if we got together at the cousin's house and there was a camera, I mean, I was like, I gotta get in front of that thing. Like my mom recalls, my mom and I were talking and she remembers the time where she took, she's a teacher, was a teacher, and she was a chaperone for the trip to Kings Island, which was like a theme park sort of, or roller coaster place, whatever. And she brought me with. And I somehow, they let me on the loudspeaker. And she just said I was basically like just entertaining everybody on the ride there. And her students talked about it forever. I don't remember anything I said, but I remember doing that later again, whenever I could get on a bus or there was like a trip. My mom did some church choir stuff and we did like little tours. Anytime I could get on that mic, I would.

And so what is it? What's the calling? Do you know? Like that's an unusual thing for me.

Well, it's uncomfortable because I think in some ways to start standup, you have to be a little dumb, a little self-centered. Arrogant to be like, "Everybody's gotta hear what I have to say." But I think the drive really was the attention, the feeling of getting a laugh that felt so good. So that's really what I was going after. It wasn't, at least I think, 'cause I don't wanna say I loved the sound of my own voice, but I loved being amplified. It was so fun. I mean, part of me wonders, who doesn't like that? Mm-hmm. Like I wanted, I loved the checkout people at the grocery. Like that was another job I would've loved to do. I love that. That's so fun. And then they also get to go like this and say like, hey, we need somebody up here, a bagger or whatever. So that's a—

that seems like fun to you guys. This is a real—

I would love that.

Really? Is that just to have the control of the microphone to talk to the entire—

I think so. And scanning and talking to people.

Well, you've had a number of these jobs, right? Didn't— weren't you working 2 and 3 jobs at a time? Like tell us about— Tell us about what the actual dirty parts of success that no one knows about because the start is so unpleasant.

Well, the first move for me was Chicago. So after Ohio, where I grew up and going to college there, I moved to Chicago with two boys from my theater program, Tim and Derek. And we got an apartment in Boystown on Oakdale. I'm trying to— what else do they call it? Oh, Lakeview sort of area. And I had worked at a bagel shop in college, so they just sort of let me— it's not a transfer, but it was like, you know, it was a friend of a friend. You had good bagel friends. So I worked at the Chicago Bagel Authority right away. So that was really helpful to me to have something lined up, but I still needed more money. And so then I found babysitting jobs for people who would come into the bagel shop. So I was able to do both of those jobs. A hustler. And then stand up at night. And stand up, that was great. In Chicago, you weren't making a ton of money, but the showcases paid. So it might cover your groceries or something, which is hilarious to say, 'cause groceries, I mean, groceries today, to me was I ate the bagels at the place that I worked, and then I would get stuff at CVS, you know, like that was grocery shopping, right?

Sure. I always like— I don't, I don't know, a lot of common Chicago scene especially, it's like late nights, lots of drinking, late night food, stuff like that. I always say like I'm not a huge drinker because I'm not, but back then I think I have friends who are like, you drank, we were all drunk. I'm kind of like Well, you were. I was drinking. I'm not saying like, oh, I'm perfect and I didn't drink, but not like that. I don't know. I definitely drank more at that time in my life, but nothing— I rode my bike everywhere. That's how I got around.

But these seem like unnecessary corrections. What are you trying to convince me of as it related to your drinking? You were drinking.

I just think like the scene, you know, it was very like late night.

You were young.

Yeah, but I think the the incongruency in memory is for me. When friends are like, "You drank," and I'm kind of like, "I don't remember being drunk." No, but this is Chicago.

This is Chicago's specific gage on what drinking is. And there—

Well, the reason my mind jumped there is 'cause you would get paid in drink tickets if not cash. So that's how prevalent it is. It's basically like, "Well, of course you'll perform for this." And I felt like I'd rather get money.

Wouldn't everybody? Yeah.

Well, no. Not every— that's kind of what I mean. The scene was very fun and drinking.

So, but the comic scene in general has a giant amount of nightlife in it. And I would assume a giant amount of drinking in it because at least in part, once you come off stage, you're not going to go right to sleep.

You're just amplified. Yeah. And I think too, also though, now more than ever, there's more sober people and, and also your behavior, I think, has greater consequences. I mean, even just from, Like, you know, if I'm getting asked about someone or, hey, should we hire this person? Or what do you think about this person? I'm like, yeah, I mean, they're really funny, but they're hammered all the time. You know, like, I'm not saying I'm a tattletale, but if somebody is like, hey, is this person reliable? And I know that they're a blackout drunk, I'm probably gonna be like, they might be a booze hound, you know?

All of comedy has changed in the 17 years you've been in it.

Oh my God. So much. Massively. And I know that that happens every generation. Sometimes I'm like, does everyone feel like this? You know, it always takes— my mind always goes to like parents being like, Elvis is evil, you know, rock and roll. But like, I think we're moving at a lightning speed, whereas before it was like, oh yeah, new things like that introduced— things have always been shaking it up or changing or, you know, making people uncomfortable, I guess. But I feel like we're moving at lightning speed in this industry, like how drastically things have changed. Well, elaborate though, because like Like, if I think of somebody like Liz Winstead or HBO's Women of the Night, that was like a lineup of like tons of amazing female comics. And the shit they put up with to get there sucked. So like, because they were able to talk about certain things and go through that, that made a path for me to be able to talk about certain things and feel like, oh, the women before me carved a path. So I felt that influence where those women fought for that. But I also at the time experienced what I had seen, which is— and I don't know if that's changed a ton, but very much one at a time.

You know, it was like, we had— women had one at a time. You know, it was— I'm just trying to think of examples, like Sarah, and then Chelsea, and then Amy, and then Ally. So it's like, very much, here's this one, you know, whereas opposed to the idea that we never think about that with male comics. It's all the guys.

Well, we could do that, I suppose, with one fat guy or one small guy or one Black guy, but not as pronounced.

Right, you have Eddie, you have Chris, you have Kevin. So it's like, and of course, generationally, there are gaps there. But yeah, I think that that's always been the case. Early days of standup, I was very much getting questions always that were, what's it like to be a female standup comedian? It's a little funny to think about that question now, a little, to be like, so you're asking a 22-year-old, "Hey, what's it like being a female standup comedian?" "Kind of fun, it makes me feel a little ancient. It's cool." They'd be like, "I love," you know? And at the time, I remember making a very specific choice to say I loved it, 'cause I wanted other people to not be scared to start. Like, I wanted to be like, "Oh, it's great. Yeah, it means I'm like," you know, I forget how I would phrase it, but I wanted it to seem like, "Hey, no big deal." But the truth is, like, there were totally deeply uncomfortable times and definite sexism and total line crossing. And, you know, like, and I don't just mean like, well, back then it was cool. It's like, it was never cool.

I mean, I remember I stood in the back of the room of Fizz. These guys started Comedians You Should Know show, which still exists. And it was great. It was really cool to be a part of something really special. I remember being so proud I got on the show, invited my mom. She came up and watched me at Fizz, and, and my boyfriend Chris at the time would come, and I just felt really cool to be a part of that group. And often I was maybe one female on the lineup, and to your point, one black guy, one female, the rest, you know, straight white dudes. And this is the north side of Chicago. It's very different, you know, like the south side and the north side were quite different scenes. But, um, and I was standing in the back of the room waiting to go up, and Junior Stopka, one of the guys that ran the show, came up behind me and like like, he's like, I don't even know, over 6 feet, huge person. I think he was a boxer. Wound up and smacked my ass, like, to the point where it like took my breath away.

And the way I— I'm 22, 23. I was like, how do I handle this? Act like it doesn't bother me, stand there. I think I said— I think I did like defend myself in the moment. I wasn't like, because it hurt and it like really shocked me. So I think I said, oh my God, or why did you do that, or stop. And maybe another guy may have said something. I forget. It's all a blur. It's so long ago. But like, that's crazy. And I had another more supportive guy who booked me on a lot of shows, and this seems harmless, you know, come up to me and he would grab my pigtails and do that stuff, which that seems like nothing. And it's not like I'm saying it's so awful, but you know, just the idea of anybody feeling like they had access to me or my body is like a crazy thing to be dealing with when you're just waiting to go on stage and I don't know. So it felt very much like a boys' club that you want to be part of and you want to be cool about it and sort of hang.

And I think that as I've aged and just been more comfortable in my comedy myself, because those guys are all still there, they never left. And I don't know if they still do comedy or not, but it's like now I'm not really worried about what they would think. Like, I'll say whatever I need to say. Whereas before, I think I was scared to sort of speak out or say something that felt like an injustice, or it felt like I couldn't tell anybody about something else.

I mean, there's great power in that. Do you feel like you were lying when you were saying whatever you were trying to remember there as the stock phrase on what you would say? Oh, you just felt you would say it's great.

Oh yeah. I don't know if I was lying, because it's not like it was horrific. That's why I brought up the women of the night. I'm sure they dealt with stuff that sucked. And so, I'm like, it wasn't like every day was terrible, but by the end of like my third year, I remember thinking about stopping because one of the guys on the scene like kind of had a crush on me, but I didn't really reciprocate. And then he got a little upset, and then his friend who smacked me sort of was trying to intimidate me, saying because I wouldn't have him on my show, I was taking work from him. I'm like, I'm taking two drink tickets from him, you know? But I didn't know how to stand up for myself as well, and I remember being scared and hating it. And we had to do a fundraiser at the Playground Theater. It was like a 24-hour sort of— I don't know, what do they call that again? It's like, that used to be really popular. It was like a 24-hour marathon. Yeah, and I remember my spot time was like 1 AM or something, and it was barely anyone there, and those guys were in the back, and I'm on stage, and it's just so uncomfortable because they were like heckling me, and I was like, I want to stop, I hate this.

Oh wow, yeah, hating it. Yeah, you got to hate within 3 years.

Yeah, and I was very sad, and like, you know, Chicago's rough. It's like, because like winter is so long, you know? And so I remember being like just depressed and, you know, I wasn't like living a really super healthy life in the sense like, like what I told you, like I ate my bagels and I ate at CVS and, you know, like I wasn't taking care of myself and feeling great. I rode my bike a lot, but yeah, just like drink, paid and drink tickets. And I remember it being so dark there. I was just like, I think I'm done. I didn't know what I wanted to do, but I was like, maybe I'll move. Home. And then the Chicago Reader came out. My friend Emily Giant texted me. She was my theater friends from Miami. And she said, did you pick up the Chicago Reader? And I said, no. And she's like, go look at it. And it— and Steve Heisler, the writer at the time, the critic, comedy critic, had named me the best stand-up in Chicago. So that's also a theme for me, like me feeling like I'm at my lowest and like, maybe I'll quit and I'm not good.

And then something like, well, you're actually the best. I'm like, I'm like, what?

That's a theme for you?

Yeah, feeling like, like I have to pump myself up to be like, I'm good at the job, I'll take it, or I want the job. Like sometimes it never feels like enough, like feathers in my cap, to feel confident with all of the success and all the collaborations that you've done. Yeah, I mean, like, I think, like, I think back to some of my early days with one of my therapists, like my therapist, and she did say like, you should make a— you know, in my office now I have like a little wall behind me of my favorite moments in comedy. And it was like a little collage I made. And it's massive. It's like all the cool people I've met, you know, me and Wanda Sykes and me and Gilbert Gottfried when I was writing on— you know, all these cool people I've got to touch that I watched as a kid on TV. I don't know if I'm close to my period, but I almost teared up. You know, I'm just sort of like, that's cool. But it's hard to remember that, I think, because the drive of it all and what's next, what's next to survive.

'Cause like, you know, comedy for the longest time is like a piecemeal existence where you're like, next job, next job. And I didn't even get to where, we haven't even gotten to LA, but I also had similar multiple jobs and then having to get this covered so I could maybe go and open for this person for $300. But then I can't lose this job.

No, but I wanna hear about all of those, like how you had to piece together the whole journey. You hadn't realized as you were doing it that you are now in and a part of the world. And the world is a very small world. It's 1,000 of you or whatever who make a living doing— making other people laugh. And now you're in their company. You didn't realize that you had already arrived?

No, no, I don't think so. Because I think there's like— there is sometimes that feeling of like high school and stand-up where like there's the seniors and the juniors, you know? And like when I was coming to Chicago, as like a freshman, Jared Logan, Kumail Nanjiani, all those guys were about to leave. So it felt like— but I know Kumail now and we have a mutual respect. And so I think that those moments are hard to like really put, wrap your mind around. But those moments have happened for me and it's incredible. So I do think I'm able to, if I sit down and really remind myself, I could say, come on, you're good. You're good at your job. You know, you know how to do it. But I don't know where that—

When did you stop being scared?

Of like—

Just, you said you were scared.

Yeah.

You said you were scared of all—

Oh, on stage.

No, all of it. I'm talking about all of it where you're scared to speak up. You're scared to say, you have to lie during the interviews because you're not quite comfortable enough that I know I can do this. I know I'm good at it. And the industry has to change enough so that you have to be rewarded for being able to just do it yourself. You don't have to need, you don't need a whole lot of backing.

Yeah, I see what you mean. Like when I was saying like, oh, it's great being a standup comic. Comic. It's not that I was lying, because it was great. Let's think about it. I'm the only female on the show because the other one's across town doing the other show. So it's like, I did stand out. But back then, if you— what's it like to be a stand-up comic? Well, I'm also representing an entire gender on a lineup. That's not really fair because the other 4 dudes are not representing men. You know, you would go see a showcase of all of us, and if 2 guys eat shit and you hate them, but the other 2 kill, you never leave that show going, men aren't very good. Even though the statistics would say men are bad at comedy. But that never happens. There's always like, oh, see, women aren't funny if I didn't have a good set or whatever. So that was the pressure there. And so yes, I think I wanted more people to feel welcome. Like, come over, it's fun. But that danger was there too of like girls entering dating comics and then just becoming his girlfriend.

Like, there's just like— there is being male-dominated, there is that little power imbalance. That the times I started to feel more power are when I was selling tickets, because that is power. Like, you know, even if you're showing up as an early headliner to a comedy club and you're not selling, you have no power. It's like, thanks, I'm lucky to be here, I'm just lucky to be here. And you don't want— I never had goals of shifting into a monster of like, you're welcome, But that does win. That does get rewarded, that behavior and type of ego.

Really?

Yeah. Yeah. I think like sometimes I have felt like maybe I have to be a psycho to make it really, you know, far. I don't think that's true, of course, of everyone. But there is a switch I've seen happen for sure in people, or it was always there. But yeah, I think I'm like, the times that I actually shifted into feeling like I deserve to be here is just when more people showed up up to a comedy club to see me headline, you can feel the shift, the tides. Like, as opposed to a papered room of like, I guess we'll go see comedy tonight, versus like, let's go see Beth Stelling tonight. So then you can feel it in the crowd. And it takes years, at least for me.

Well, and they're rooting for you, right? I don't know if it makes it any easier, but they come to see you. And so the expectation is where you've set the standard, which is where you can meet it.

Yeah, I would come Another thing I worked on in therapy was suiting up for battle versus coming out like, "I got us, and they're here to see me. We're all here to have fun." Oh, wow.

I mean, what grace there must be in that. That's a totally different way of performing. It's fighting the audience versus enjoying where your life has taken you with the audience.

Yeah. So, I think it's like a lot of people, speaking of everybody, what we were saying, talks about on the internet. Like, I have OCD, or I have ADHD, or I have this. But there's a lot of inner child work talked about. And I think for me, that was part of it, which was like doing some of that work, which is like, you don't have to be scared because I know better now. Like, I'll take care of us. Like, I'll stand up for us if need be. So it was like that idea of, of I'm not a little girl anymore that just gets pushed around and taken to wherever. Like, I know what to you. So you don't need to be scared, you know. So that was like a mind shift for sure, if I'm metaphorically talking.

Well, no, but it's also you become an adult and also you're soothing this person who needs this much control because, uh, she needs to have this control in order to feel safe because everything feels unsafe.

And there was a long time where I thought, should I keep doing this? It gives me anxiety. Like, I had a boyfriend that I dated my early years out here in LA that was still in Ohio. He was like my college crush. And I had loved him for so long, and then I finally started dating him. And I, you know, I think he would have— like, that, that always feels like— what is the Sliding Doors thing or whatever? That always feels like if I had taken that path, my life would not be this. And that's always those things. I don't, like, look back and go, oh, I ruined my life, or I made a bad choice. But, and who knows if it would have really worked out. He's married now and has children, is very happy. But say I had at that time when I was like, should I keep doing this? 'cause I don't love the idea of mining every day and every part, the exhaustion of like, well, is this a joke? Is that a joke? In fact, it bothered me to be around comics that were like, wait, what did I say that was funny?

Lemme write that down. This is before iPhones, you know? Or yeah, before iPhones. I would be like, ew, like be in the moment, be authentic, be with me. And yet I also envied them. I wish I could do that. I said so much funny stuff at dinner, but I was just trying to be like in it and present and human. Instead of— so then that got exhausting. And other people will be exhausted by that if they don't know what your job is or push you to do that. And I think my boyfriend at the time felt like, you're so creative, like, just move back home with me and, uh, you could— I could get you an advertising job, you'd kill it. And that's not like rude. I think that he would have liked to be close to me or maybe had our life together, I don't know. Um, so yeah, I thought about that. Okay, I could be creative in a different way. And he even was like, you could open a comedy club here. Like, a lot of beautiful ideas. But I was battling the exhaustion of like, should I keep doing this? Is it bad to like mine every moment?

The exhaustion of it.

Where were you in the path at that point? Because this is how many years after—

I was probably 2 years into— so 4 years I spent in Chicago, and after the Chicago Reader little accolade, I had auditioned for maybe 3 years for Just for Laughs. In my 3rd or 4th year, I got picked for Just for Laughs Montreal New Faces. So that was 2011.

There would be plenty of reasons to doubt if, uh, green rooms are kind of sad, that nightlife can be sad, alcohol is a depressant, you're surrounded by comics who should be all funny and stuff, but there's a lot of pain there, a lot of loneliness, and, and a lot of weirdness, and you're years into it, and you're working multiple jobs in order to support it. It's a totally normal thing to doubt at that point.

Yeah, and my boyfriend at the tail end of it— I'm trying to think about when I started dating him. I didn't have that boyfriend yet. But I did have someone. Yeah, that's another aspect of it. I always kind of had a boyfriend. Always, always, always. So there was that.

And those relationships are either helpful or not, depending on where they are spiritually as well, in terms of how they can knock you over if someone becomes consuming.

Oh yeah, 100%. And so by that time, I was getting ready to move. That's when I sort of reconnected with that guy who— but it's It's like there was that possibility of a different life. He had a home in Cincinnati. He's like a real person. And we talk about like being, you know, becoming an adult. Well, that didn't happen for me for a long time. And I still sometimes don't feel like that. I think that's part of life too for a lot of people. Like, how am I 60? You know, I'm not 60, but you know what I mean? How did I get here?

Well, in a recent special, you tackled the idea of getting to 40, right?

Yeah, so I'm like, Anyway, I guess what I was getting at with that is becoming adult happened for me, I guess, later, and I'm still working on it, but I was very childlike still at the time. You kind of have to be like as a comic, I think, in some ways, because you're not really growing up. I'm like working a bunch of jobs and doing stand-up at night, and, you know, other people I know— like, I missed weddings because I was doing stand-up and I didn't have money. So almost all my college friends got married and I wasn't at their wedding. I'll be honest, sometimes it was just like I wanted to do the show. It doesn't mean it was like— I wasn't doing The Tonight Show. I was doing just a show in Chicago. I can't make it, I have a show. And I probably didn't have money to get there, but I missed like those moments for them. And then they start having kids, and so then it really felt like I'm just like a big kid and I'll never grow up. And then the move to LA happened after I got New Faces.

That was sort of like my little impetus to move there.

They wouldn't take drink tickets on the registry? No. You had plenty of those.

I probably owe them many gifts still to this day.

But you get to sort of forever remain a child in some parts of the work that you are doing. But for 17 years, you are now a craftsperson.

Yeah.

You've spent 17 years sculpting, writing, and a very specific skill set that would give you some sort of mastery after this much time.

Yeah. And at that time, I think the first first feeling I felt of like, I gotta hold on, this was probably 2012 or '13, 2013. So that would have been 6 years in.

Wow.

And that was out here at Meltdown Comic Book Shop. They had a show in the back that Kumail and Jonah ran that was so fun on Wednesdays. But then I got to do like an evening with, and that was my first like headlining set in LA. And I was like, I think I am who I am on stage. I think I know me now on stage.

Wow, that's pretty early, no? Like 6 years to feel like—

Yeah, I didn't feel like this is it, I'm the best.

No, but you—

I just felt I think I'm the closest to myself I've been on stage. So that was the first time, because when I first started I was very quiet and deadpan. That's just kind of how it came out of me. I don't know. But yeah, it was more a little more my personality is when that started.

But, um, it's not a costume for you. 6 years in, you're going on stage and being like, okay, I've refined the elements of this, I'm going to speak I'm talking to the audience, but I know what I'm doing, and I have a better idea of who I am.

Yeah, and I still get— I still am pretty— I don't know. I'm in and out of— 'Cause my first time doing stand-up, it's like, as a theater person, I wrote it like a monolog, and then I needed to act it and pass it off like it was off the cuff. So, and then I moved away from that, writing a big chunk, and just tried the jokes on stage, and then would just write the words. You know, like a setlist. So I still struggle sometimes with like sticking to, I guess, a bit of a script. I mean, like, you— a joke is— you do need to say it pretty much the same way every time. But I'm now more than ever playing with different ways into the joke and maybe the idea of what I'm saying, because I can get really set in like the exact way I say it and the order of it. And I'm like, Lately, like in Kansas City a couple weekends ago, I was like, I'm just gonna open with my closer. That's not groundbreaking. Some people do that sometimes just to shake it up. But I was like, I'm gonna do that, move it forward.

And it's like, yeah, I made a really fun difference. And so I'm in this place where comedy is changing so much. What used to be touring towards an hour and then perform it has been like, now I'm just giving my work away for free on YouTube. They're looking for people who do huge numbers on social media. So I just put it out myself now because I don't want to really wait for someone or wait for followers. Or it's kind of funny, it would be interesting if I pulled like a— I think back in, who knows, 2011 or '12, I remember Joe Mandy, who's a comic and writer, bought like a million followers and was open about it. Was like kind of a bit— he was always doing strange things. I'm like, should I— I should have just do that. And then when I send you my special and you go, we love it, but we're looking for people who do— whose numbers are like, well, I do, I Does that help you? You know, like that's what's become the difference now for at least people at my level. Obviously they're gonna stick with famous people who have the millions already, the Chapelles and Tom and Nate and all those people.

But you also have though the freedom of, and of you're in control. Yeah. Like you said you want the control and the—

But I always was, you know, like, I don't know, even my half hour on Netflix, it was very much like I did the exact time. So it was like, you can't really cut anything 'cause I did my time. You know? Like, that was my control over that. And Girl Daddy, which is on HBO Max, I don't think I had to fight for anything. One line they wanted to take out, a pedophile joke.

What was working with Conan O'Brien like on— because you mentioned that special. Yeah. And I've always thought that he's an unbelievable genius and that people probably don't have any idea what roils within there. It has to be an extraordinary ambition as well.

I really like Conan a lot. We didn't really work closely on my special. He was very kind. Like, really the extent of it was Team Coco being, like, given the task of slotting HBO Maxes for specials. And J.P. Buck was the person who would select all the comics for Conan. Conan. So that's really my aim.

But according to Conan's taste, right? Because he's—

Yes. So I really worked more with JP on it. Conan wrote me a really nice note that I still have framed, you know, that was basically, go out and be, you know, be yourself. You're so funny. And I did Conan twice, but I never— I suffer from, I don't— I shouldn't be here. And will that even air? So it wasn't— it's not that it was—

I don't think that's an actual malady. I don't think that's an ailment. I suffer from, will this even air? It feels terrible. I shouldn't I shouldn't be here. What are the symptoms for this malady that I shouldn't be here?

Is this real? Like, I felt, yeah, I didn't ruin it for myself, but I kind of did. Like, those moments where it was like, I get to do late night. Even that second one, I remember coming, he came over to shake my hand, and I was like, they were so, they were laughing so much, I could barely get stuff out. He's like, well, tell them to, he said something like, I'm like, well, I'll tell him to shut up next time or something. You know, he's sharp, but he can be like, you know. And I was like, oh shit, I shouldn't have said that. You know, so we were never like close. I didn't feel comfortable. He's not someone I felt like super comfortable riffing with. It was like a scarier overlord to me. And it doesn't mean like he did things to me to make me feel that way.

It's just the aura of him. I get what you're saying. But also that is so impeccably vulnerably not doing any self-assessment on anything to saying Conan O'Brien after you've killed, uh, they were laughing so hard I couldn't even get out. It sounds obnoxious, right? Even though you're just being like, I'm—

why am I here? But that's the thing, insecurity can be so annoying, and I can annoy myself with it. It's like, when are you gonna stop? That's so irritating. Like, shut up and take a bow, you know? So I do feel like sometimes I ruin a little bit of that for myself, the joy of it.

Well, but I mean, how could it— how could that not? That sounds like you, you just you killed on late night?

Well, because I'll get a snapshot of something horrific someone will say to me online, and then that'll be a little—

Well, that's human nature to see the one negative thing when you're getting nothing but applause and 40 things. But I imagine in your show you could also see the guy who's bored or the—

No, like, I'm trying to think about something that happened. Yes, I'm trying to think about, like, it's like sometimes things that— that's the trouble of the internet. 100%. Like, I can get stuck with something someone said to me, and that overshadows the experience. Like, I was— I'm trying to think about what that— oh yeah, I was playing— I play field hockey. I haven't— I've taken like the last year off, actually, but I was playing for the US Women's Masters field hockey team, and we were in Buenos Aires for the— for the— for the— not the World Cup—

a giant important championship—

the Pan Ams. And that must have been '23, December of '23. So, right, my special had just come out on Netflix, If You Didn't Want Me Then. They just licensed it for 2 years, so now it's on YouTube. But it just came out. The New York Times wrote it up beautifully. Somebody, Heather Ann Campbell, who I wrote with on Rick and Morty. So I'm finishing the game in Buenos Aires. I think we did okay. We ended up getting second overall, but the game, I think, went okay. I get a text message from Heather Ann that's like, did you see this? I'm like, oh my gosh, I didn't. I'm in Argentina. And then on Instagram, Ali Colbert posted a clip from her podcast where I'm like sort of glazed. I hate doing podcasts and having to perform my bit. Like I can't, I know that a good egomaniacal comic will just let it rip and let the people at home think you're just coming up with it and killing, but it pains me. So I think I was like glazing over the bit a little bit. And she's like, you had that great joke about men not being good at going down on you.

And I was like, oh yeah, sometimes they're so bad, I'm like, let me down there. So that's the exchange a little. And then people are losing their minds. Men are losing their minds in the comments saying the most horrific things about me. And that's what I remember. So it's not like, oh, I got a glowing review in the New York Times and I just played with the US Women's Masters team. I just remember these men being like, you're an ugly bitch. No wonder nobody wants to go down on you, you're stinky pussy. Meanwhile, I like have the best boyfriend in the world and he makes me cum with his mouth. So why would I care what these people are saying to me? Like obviously I know, don't care and like don't look. And I don't even have my notifications on, it's just opening it to be like, oh, I'll post about the New York Times thing and then it's like—

Oh, it's easier to say that.

And I remember I was right on the field, I was on the pitch and I'm just like, it's just such a confluence of events where I'm like, this is, It's sad.

I have learned a lot from the women who have worked with me in sports, and it's hard to argue with them when they say that the internet basically exists, the algorithms, so that men can hate women.

Yeah. I mean, in a lot of ways it can feel like that. And then even just saying that, if you clip this out, it's like, "Yeah, we do hate you, you bitch, and you look ugly." No, it's the world.

But I mean, these are particular brand. You've come up in, they're very male worlds. Yours is comedy, mine is sports, and they're just very male.

Yeah, it is. And I mean, I think about some of my old jokes that would be sort of hacky now, or I'm trying to, I can't even remember, maybe my Comedy Central half hour. I even just make a dumb little ironic, just a line where I say like, stand-up comedy is very female-dominated, and it gets a pop. So it's just like— and that's 2015, you know?

It's nice though to hear you say though, and interesting to hear you say that you don't want to just perform your best material on a podcast. You'd rather just be authentically yourself when your best material would kill. Like, anything that you'd be using right now would be funny. You'd get the easy laughs, but there's something cheap about it.

But it gets me nothing. Nothing. You know, like, what? I'm just trying— then somebody would be like, oh, okay, Mother Teresa, you're trying to be a good— you know, but it gets me nothing. I should absolutely just go on and let the jokes rip. And I'm not saying I never slide in a joke or a line because it's, oh, this would be perfect there, and I should just say it because I wrote it and I write about my life, so now would be the time to say it, you know?

Right.

But I, I had this young comic who had me on their podcast, and I just had a really bad experience in Florida It's about a year and some change ago, year and a half ago. I was opening for Sarah Silverman in Orlando. My dad had never seen me perform, and which is fine, and I mean, that was of my own design, but he came out to the show, and I just had a really bad dinner with him the next night. Inappropriate, so upsetting and strange. And then I got home, and I was supposed to do this Young Comics podcast, and it was like rainy, and I was late, and I couldn't find him, and I felt awful that I was late. And then I was so depressed because it just— it's not that it rocked me, it was just like a little, you know, a stamp down where you're just like, ugh. And you could tell he was trying to meet me but still trying to give me— pull some of what happened out of me. But it just happened. I don't know if I was ready to talk about it. I always get like a vulnerability, like, oh God, should I have said that?

Sometimes I'll cry or something after a podcast because I'm so not not anything I've said so far, but I just mean I'm usually very forthcoming. You ask me and I'll tell you. And so at that podcast— and he's extremely successful and does all the things you're supposed to do— he's like, just perform the bit. You have to. That's your job as the comic. Go on and shine. And I just— I don't know, it could be a little self-sabotage. I have no clue. But I'm like, it just feels inauthentic to— like, it feels old school. Like when I would go on Bob and Tom and they go, "What are the 3 jokes you want to do and how can we get you into them?" And I say, "Ask me if I ride my bike around Chicago." And then I do my Chicago bit on the radio. So I don't know why I'm pushing back. I did it back then. It just feels old. And what am I trying to say?

I think it feels like inauthentic or not reaching you where you've grown to. You don't want to just get cheap laughs. You want to do your act. But the way that you ventured into that, It seems like anybody would be in a bad mood after having a traumatizing dinner with their father, who I don't know which details you want or don't want to reveal about.

I've now talked about it.

But how complicated that whole relationship is.

Very.

And then you're trying to reconnect with him for something that feels loving and it doesn't go right.

Right.

Like, that's a fairly large trauma, I think, whether you're an adult or a child.

Yeah.

Or an adult trying to heal a child.

Right. Right. And I think like my dad one is complicated because ultimately, you know, back in the '80s when they were divorced and everything that went down with my parents and there was domestic violence and essentially like, and I think many professionals would agree, like we should have never been sent down there after what happened with our family and in our childhood. And so looking back, you know, we had a court court-ordered therapist that we, we saw, and there were visitation before all of that to get us used to seeing them again. But our childhood therapist, interestingly enough, like, each of us have gone back to her based upon an event in our adult life, and she was just assigned to us by the courts when we were 3, 6, and, you know, yeah, whatever that is, our differences. Now, now I gotta do that.

We're not— you said before we're not doing math. You said before we're not doing math.

Anyway, Okay, Pam, Dr. Pam. But we all kind of went back to her at different times. And oddly enough, and maybe it's not odd because I was the youngest, I've always been the quickest to be like, to my dad. And it felt right. I was like, no, you're done. And then seeing my older sisters, and we've talked about this, give him another chance and go back and keep going back. I'd be like, it wasn't like, well, I guess I will. It wasn't like a, I was just sort of like, well, Megan's smart. I guess I can try again. And of course there's like a biological pull as well, but it's like he would, but then behavior again would happen.

But you're skipping right past the mental illness part. Your normal's not normal. It's clinically, medically not, I don't want to say pejoratively, not sane, but you're talking, you're not talking about a mild mental illness. You were dealing with some things that are my father, who should be keeping me safe, can't be trusted to be stable.

Yes, very much. Yeah, 100%. And so when I would cut him off because of things he said or did, my sisters would go back. I would be like, okay, I guess I'll try again. And then eventually, you know, there was like plateaus or whatever in the sense where it's like I pick up the phone and it's more like enduring a weird exchange. And it became like a, I wouldn't answer, but then I felt bad. A couple weeks go by, I guess I'll call him back because I finally, my battery went enough to call. It would drain me and then I need to wait 3 months before I could do it again, or 2 months. But there were the events of him saying things, and last January was one of those. So that was for me probably the final straw, um, of my dad. And I think, and for my sisters actually too.

So this is the first time that's happened where none of us talked to him What have you discovered about yourself in relationships with men that gets impacted with whatever it is was your relationship with him?

I think as a child, you know, from 6 on, that's the other crazy part. He married an alcoholic. So then I, what did I do? I chose a job where I fly everywhere to entertain alcoholics. I mean, you couldn't write it better. So it's just sort of like, that's how mine worked out. Out. But, you know—

So I married comedy.

Yeah. 3 kids, all reacting somewhat differently. I'd say my oldest sister being the sort of second mom there, having to step into that position for a bit because my mom did suffer and had to recover. So she sort of stepped into that role. And her response to all of it, I would say, is just like a sort of an overcorrection. She still is sort of like maintaining like a power grip on everything. I mean, it doesn't mean she's never laid back or fun. She's hilarious. But it was very much like, that's not happening in my house. And it hasn't, you know. And she has very strong boundaries and things like that. And her— she's a great mom and is in a marriage. And then my middle sister has been more affected, I would say, in sort of going towards that sort of chaos of a man or the relationship and trying to repair that probably over and over again with the wrong people, I would say. But yeah, and for me, it's just sort of like kids going and sent to an unsafe place. It's like, yeah, of course you're going to be dealing with those feelings that are very complicated like that.

We probably should have never had to deal with that. But then again, would I be a comic if I wasn't going to a nudist colony as like, you know, a 7-year-old with my dad and his wife and, you know, being taken to Margaritaville and her getting hammered and throwing salt at us and calling us vampires? You know, it's like Those are some of my earliest stand-up stories, is getting called a vampire by my stepmom. While throwing salt at you, right? And the punchline back then was like, "Wrong seasoning, it's garlic." You know? So it's like—

You're bored by your own joke, and it's a great joke. You're bored by it because it's such an old joke.

But I've started to rejuvenate that, because after that dinner, I stopped for a while. She called one time, I joke about it in the Landlord special, which is on my YouTube, 'cause I stopped talking about her for a long time 'cause she called and asked me not to. And she was like, "I'm not drinking anymore. I just, if you don't talk about me, I'm gonna be great." I'm like, you know. And when I first moved out here, I really felt that. I was like, "I don't want her to be a part of any of my success." And I meant it. Like, 'cause I don't need to tell stories about her to be a good comic, 'cause that was my entry, was sort of getting those stories out. And some self-deprecating stuff, which my mom, of course, hated. Related. But that was my early sort of themes. And then I was like, fine, I don't need you. And I thought about going by my mom's last name for a little while because that's how I felt, like I don't want to be— but I didn't. I mean, I went by my legal name. But I forget where I was going with that.

I don't. It was the relationships with men. Oh yeah. Is where it is we were headed, like how they were informed by what it is that was happening with your father. Oh, right.

And she had asked me to like not talk about it, I suppose. My dad, on the other hand, has always been like, talk about whatever you want want. And I think it's because he does love entertaining and he likes the limelight. And it's like sometimes it feels like too much to get into in our amount of time we have together because it's like so big. I mean, my dad moved to Orlando. I have a joke about it that he moved to Orlando to become an actor, which is not where you go. And he started his own business down there, which is basically a sign spinner. He devises these characters and then stands in front of the businesses. And that was some of our earliest jobs. We would just sit in the car and bring him water water. He would pay us, and that was like fun. And we were like— there were good times for sure. Going to the beach with a man who was just dressed like a pizza, you know? Like, um, we— anything we wanted at 7-Eleven. There was like a lot of weird fun times. We go go-karting. Like, there are good memories.

Every— like, me in my lifetime having dated different types of men— I've dated abusive men— it's like, they're not all bad, which is why you are there, why you got pulled in, or, you know. So there there are good times. Everybody contains multitudes. But I think with him in particular, um, the relationship has just become something like I'm not really willing to try again anymore for. Um, and because of that, he's always said, talk about whatever you want. But when his wife had asked me that, whenever that was, 15 years ago, I was like, fine. And now I'm like, I'll talk about whatever I want because I lived it. But that is my dad's perspective. Anyway. So I have brought back that vampire story within this new chunk of material that was inspired by last January. Because we went out to eat, and she— and again, and she was drinking, which is hilarious because she told us that she stopped. So I'm like, did you forget the lie? I'm right across from you.

You do a great drunk. You do— the impersonation is really strong. Yeah. I don't know how much impersonating you do of other things, but a drunk woman calling you, you've got that one down. What's it like working Working with your mom, do you, what are the challenges? I worked with my dad for 8 years on television. I did a show with him and it was meant to make him the star of the show because he's ridiculous funny. He was doing the show in his second language. And so, but it had its challenges.

Yeah. I think for the most part, the times I've worked with my mom mainly was the podcast that we had together and we would call Comedians Moms. And my mom really loved that. And we were doing that during the pandemic. And it was so sweet and so fun. It was meant to sort of learn more about the comedian, and we always ended up talking to the mom and learning about her. So my mom sort of made like a bunch of new friends, and I am so proud of my mom being someone who's able to like receive new information and change and grow as she ages and learn new things and be open to that. So yeah, even if she said something that was like, "Ooh, you know, that's like not really right anymore," or like, "That's not what we feel," you know, I would talk about it with her and she'd go, "Okay, thank you for telling me that. I didn't think about it that way." And people got to listen to that and hear the change, like, in person without embarrassing her or making it seem like she's a bad person or something like that.

And this is not something that happened often, but something to answer your question, like, were there challenges? And it's like, that's kind of the little minimalist part of it.

So was it— but it was a joy to do then? It was like all of it, just making it, connecting with her?

We got to do Just for Laughs Montreal before the pandemic, and we did our podcast live with a couple of moms. And the cutest thing, it's like we're finally live, and she'd be talking, and then just the microphone would slowly lower, and I'd reach over and put the microphone back up to her mouth, you know, 'cause she's like a little shy. She's not a ham. But she's funny in her own sort of amazing naivete.

Yeah, no, when I think back on what it is that I did with my father, I would have liked to have been more gentle. And I wasn't not gentle. He required a great deal of patience, but the snapshots I have is he's doing his best. This isn't his chosen profession. He's doing it with me daily. I feel like I should have had endless patience with him.

Yeah, but that's hard. It is hard to do with your own parent. I have a dark— I've had a dark mantra that I have said to myself when I catch myself being an asshole, which is like, She'll die and your life will be over. So remember that, you know?

Thank you. I think that's the perfect punctuation on everything we've done here, don't you? Like, that's it. Let's just end it that way. BethStelling.com is where you go if you want her special. I have to read it just because it's so many words. We're looking for people who do huge numbers on social media. She's funny. She's great. Thank you for sharing this time with us.

Thank you for having me. Sorry I talked so much.

That's what we do here. That's the whole thing. That's the whole exercise. You know why you were brought in here?

It feels like there's just so much to cover. And if I, if I unearth like one rock of the thing, we're never going anywhere.

But I went to the big rocks though, right? Like I'm going, oh, let's go to dad trauma. Yeah, it's one of the— it's one of the big ones.

So big.