Transcript of Hour 2: The Carrpool (feat. Brian Baumgartner, Cooper Manning, Kenny Mayne, and Jessica Smetana)

This is the Dan Levatore Show with the Stugats podcast.

Look at this Motley crew of people here. This holy trinity, Kenny Maine, Cooper Manning, and what I just learned the nickname The Bommer. Brian Baumgardner. I don't know if anyone calls him The Bommer. I just overheard. I was eavesdropping Cooper Manning and Kenny Maine talking, and they started to call him The Bommer. Cooper, is that real? I I know you guys have a SmartList podcast, the world's most entertaining golf podcast. Is he indeed the bomber? Does he know that he's the bomber, Cooper?

It's funny. We had some celebs on so far, a lot of big shots, a lot of Hollywood A-listers, and they all call him the bomber. He never even told us that was his Hollywood code name. So now, Kenny and I are trying to be cool, and maybe we'll get invited to a red car somewhere with him.

Kenny, how the hell did you three get together? I'm sorry to interrupt you, bomber. I'm sorry.

No, there's no problem. It's your show, Dan, so don't worry about it.

It might be because the first four letters of his name are bomb, like bomb, and then they just... It's like hockey. You'd be leby, leber. They just add an E or R, and why? And Also, he hits the shit out of the ball. He can play golf.

Can we swear? It's tough to say. Listen, I don't know how we got together. I'm still very confused about that myself. But I, of Of course, knew Kenny Mayne, legend, ESPN, the best ESPN guy ever. Every time I started saying, Yeah, these guys from Smartlist, they want me to do this podcast with the Cooper Manning, and I would say it with a question mark at the end, every single person, universally, was like, Oh, he's the best Manning. There's no Manning better than Cooper Manning. And it turns out it's true. We met in Scotland. Our love was cemented there at the old course, and we're having a great time, Dan.

Kenny, who put this together? How did it come together? Explain it to me.

Way back when smart, those guys came at me and asked, Could I guest host the show that Rex Chapman was doing. We're basically making fun of the worst owners in sports, right? And I said, I'll do the Sonix one because the Starbucks guy sold our team and then screwed our city. But they wanted me to do the next one. I said, I can't because I have a deal with Caesars, and they have a deal. I'm staying out of that deal. It's not worth it. I just checked in with them sometime later. Hey, I thought we were going to take over the world. What the hell happened? And they started throwing around this idea about a golf thing. How the hell they talk these two guys into it is beyond me. But I'm glad they did because like Brian was saying, We knew each other from afar. I knew Cooper a little bit already, and we all got on pretty quick. We met in Scotland to start our relationship and shoot videos and promote it and do interviews, and we've had fun ever since.

The Mannings are funny, and I see the way Cooper looks you, Ken, and he looks at you the way that I look at you and the way a whole lot of people who loved your sports center, your, look at you. He's delighted by you. I'm delighted by your backgrounds, and I feel like the bomber might have some envy about what it is that the two of you have behind you, and he's in this antiseptic studio that he looks like he's been stuffed into.

Here's what I was thinking. I got on a little late. I don't know what it looks like to the rest of you. It looks like laundry hung behind Cooper. That's what it seems. Maybe it's a piece of art. That's a fake background by Kenny for sure.

No, it isn't.

For sure. Okay, maybe it's not. Fine.

I just would rather be outside.

I actually work all the time. For a living. These guys are just sporadic. Only when they get me to work with them do they work. That's what happens.

It's pretty accurate.

Dan, do you want to be our fourth? Do you want to be our fourth? We're looking for a fourth.

I'm a terrible golfer. You guys, this is part of the theme that you guys are doing, though, right? Where you're looking for a fourth because you've got the threesome.

We're on a constant- That's right. Yeah, a constant quest to find a fourth. And surprisingly enough, people are lined up out the door wanting to be our fourth. But we say no a lot. And it's an elite select group. And we're having folks on that like to play golf, that like to talk about golf, that love golf, that hate golf, that want to have fun with We're not talking about grip pressure and alignment sticks. We're talking about stories, fun, dream, foursums, pet peeves, you name it.

Plus, Dan, I think it's really just the smartest guys. Their Setting us up in the succession. When they go away, they're going to not do this. They need other people to step in. They're grooming us for that. I'm honored by this selection. So thank you to all the SmartLess guys.

Cooper, the man When the Mannings pride themselves on being funny. Which is the funiest of the Mannings? Who's the funiest of the Mannings?

Well, Dan, you'd probably have to ask them.

I think I like my odds in this one.

I mean, I'm not Pat and Eli have a great appreciation for humor. I think that's even more like, they're not straight funny. They love humor, they love funny people, and they love being around just funny scenarios. It's been fun to, at times, ghost write for them on some deals and be a part of it. We all like to make fun of ourselves. I think that goes a long way in sleeping well at night.

Brian, Cooper just said Cooper's the funniest, right?

Yeah.

Did you mean of us three or the Manning?

The Manning.

I'm so sorry. If you meant us three, then we can have some controversy here. But of the Mannings, I agree. Cooper is the funiest, yes.

But also the poorest by far.

That was funny. That was funny.

There's several commas that I don't include in my networth statement that other boys might have.

Yeah, but don't let him. Don't let him pull the... It's not as many zeros as one might think. Let me just say that. When you show up at the old course in Scotland and someone's like, Oh, that's Cooper's Hotel. What do you mean that's Cooper's Hotel? They're like, Oh, no, that's Cooper's Hotel. We'll be going up there in this private patio later to watch people play on the old course. I'm like, Oh, okay. Yeah, I get how it is.

It's like when you see Eli's Super Bowl trophy in my den, like that's my Super Bowl. If you own half of a urinal in a hotel, you get to call it your hotel.

That's fine. Put it on the poll, Juju, at Lebitard Show. If you own half a urinal in a hotel, do you own the hotel? Cooper, you look and sound like your brothers. Very often people realize that upon seeing you or hearing you, correct?

Sure. Yes. It was funny. I was in Indianapolis two days ago, and I walked over St. Elmo's is the great steakhouse, and they have another great spot called Harry and Izzy's. I said, I'm going to walk in here because Payton a well-known figure in Indianapolis. I walked in, sat at the bar, ate a cheeseburger, hung out the bar, looked around, and not one single person recognized me. You never know. You have your days of anonymity and you have your days of people just trying to figure it out. So apparently, they've either forgot about Payton or don't care about me and Indy. I got either one of those going for me.

We Need a Fourth is the name of the podcast. New episodes releasing every Monday on the SiriusXM app, the SiriusXM PGA Tour radio channel. Brian, can you just tell me why it is that you took this on as a project, given that you're working a ton? I think the last time we had you on, you were the biggest recipient of dollars in the history of cameo the last time that we had you on. Why did you take on this project?

I'll take your word for that, Dan. Listen, I love golf. I have grown to love these two. I've been in this podcast game I don't know, six years or so and doing some documentary style interviewing stuff. For me, it was really about shifting to... It is about golf, but I think it is equally comedy. I wanted to have some fun with it, with the guests that I was bringing on and not be looking for such in-depth conversation, but have a lot more fun. And these guys are great. The smart list guys are great. And so far, we've been having a great time with it.

Kenny, I love your evolution. You're doing stand-up comedy now, right?

I've done it a couple of times. If you want to get behind it and get this show off the ground, let's talk on the side. I have your number. I made a movie called Wiffleball, which you helped promote. Thank you. Then over the holiday, the last Christmas holiday, I made up what I thought was funny, a 30-minute stand-up act to proceed the 30-minute movie and the whole thing being a show. I did it in New York and Las Vegas, and Anyone out there, anyone, we're starting in Netflix. We'll go down to Freevie, if you're listening. Whoever wants us, we would like this to be a show.

Connor, you are looking at Kenny May. Cooper. Famously. Excuse me. I'm sorry, Cooper.

Were you in Indianapolis not recognizing me there?

It sounded wrong coming out of my mouth. Connor Manning.

I'm laughing.

There's another one?

We need a fifth. There's Connor over there waiting. Will someone let me Are you playing with him? No. Sorry, Connor.

I'm laughing at the way that you look at Kenny every time he starts talking. You seem to be amused before he speaks.

I am. I think that's the whole reason this little fief to work. Brian and I try to keep it relatively in the fairway with little nuggets of asinine behavior. But Kenny is in the rough, in the bunker, in someone else's bunker, eating someone else's ham and cheese sandwich out of their bag and drinking their beer, and I adore every minute of it. Yes, he is a delight to go to work with. It's funny. These podcasts are great and all, but it's much more fun doing it with two guys that you really like being around. I think that's the way this whole podcast works, is we're adding guests that we would want to play golf with anyway. I've been around long enough to not... When you go, God, I'd love to have those four hours back. That's not fun. So we're getting the right guys who appreciate the love of the game, so to speak.

Cooper, how much of your regular day is consumed with anything surrounding your son, from reading things or watching clips or just thinking about Texas football?

I watch nothing. I read nothing, which is liberating. I go to the games and just be a regular dad.

How does this work with Kenny and Brian in terms of watching Texas football? Do you have any investment in Texas football now, Brian?

That is such an interesting question because we started this, we were, spoiler, I don't know if you know how the business works, Dan, but we pre-taped a lot of these. We've been working on it for a few months, and I'm a big University of Georgia fan. And I started because we have this relationship where we all rib each other, and I was ribbing him about Texas, and we're going to kick your ass this year, and I can't wait to be at the game in Athens in November '16. And now I've gotten to know him, and I've gotten to really like him. And now I'm like, God, this is his son. What am I doing? This is weird.

This is now my friend's son who's playing his balls off and playing for his life.

And now what am I doing? And let me be clear, I'm still going to root for the University of Georgia, but I now... I'm also rooting for them a little bit.

It's funny, Dan. As you get older and you start to know people, it's challenging to be loyal to a certain team. You meet guys and you pull for them, whether it's basketball or any sport. I grew up a Saints fan, but then When you meet a good guy, he's all of a sudden… Like Daniel Jones is a great kid. He had a tough time in Giants. I'm rooting the heck out of him in Indy. You follow good coaches, you follow good people. I admire the folks who are just hard core. They love their team. I don't care if Sadam Hussein is calling plays, I'm pulling for them with all I got. That's not the way I'm lined up. I'm pulling for good dudes.

Cooper, last year you made headlines, intentionally or unintentionally, when Texas was taking on Oklahoma, and the headlines were really your hat, which some would describe as a bit much or ridiculous. Where did you buy this hat? How did you travel with this hat? It seems like you can't even see around the front of it.

Yes. If you've never been, the Texas OU Red River Rivalry is an amazing event. I've only been to two of them now. And it's essentially a state fair, a huge state fair. And there just happens to be a football game going on in the middle of it. I think some people are there eating cotton candy at Rod and Ryan's and not realizing there's 100,000 people cheering in a stadium. But I was a little nervous, as always. I'd had two Bloody Marys, and I walked into the State Fair and just wear a normal baseball cap, and I saw the most obnoxious cowboy hat I'd ever seen. It looked like it should be serving guacamole in the middle of it. I said, I'm wearing that today. It was $23, and It was sunny, it was hot. It looks ridiculous. I was just being a Jackass.

Where is it?

But see, here's the great thing about Cooper is that he would wear that. He would wear that. Yeah, there were no comments about it. He's just sitting there wearing it. We show up. He's like a big Austin guy now, I think I can say. You're spending a little time in Austin now because of your son. And we show up to do a He's wearing a full-on snappy, bangly shirt with a respectable guest with no comment, no-a weak comment. Apology.

It looked like his mom dressed him up. The Cub Scouts were having Western Pioneer days or something. And little Coup, do you have the shirt to show us, Coup? Can you pull it up?

Because it was-No, he's in someone's laundry room.

I had a little Internet panic this morning. It was out, so I got to get in a car and I broke into a friend's house. That's where I'm literally... If I'm arrested in mid-show, it's because I broke it in the alarm. I don't know how to fix it.

Dan, can I just say the whole relationship, and we really do get along well, but I'd met Cooper a few times and worked with him, Brian, just from TV. And just immediately, we just start joke around. They like to give me shit. I'm the old guy. I have an unconventional game. I'm the Jameis Winston of golf, if you will. But our whole relationship almost spoiled because Brian is an addictive gambler and has to bet on the game. And so he sets up this game. I'm like a 20. I don't even have a real handicap. I took down Austin Reeves, that poor bastard. He's a great player, and I made him lose because of my inefficiency. I accept the blame. They took money off me day one and day two in our first meeting.

We need a four.

I'm going to be posting this video. I don't care if anyone looks at my Instagram or not, but you're going to want to see it today. I've got this video. I'm posting it today of Kenny Maine putting. And then Dan, you're going to understand exactly why Cooper looks at Kenny the way that he does. No, no, no.

Some people think it's cheating. I'm a vessel of the history of golf, and I'm paying respect to the great late Sam Sneed. I emulated his putting style as a youth, and here I am today still doing it.

Danny, you are a rudderless vessel. Combing waters that have never been slum in before.

Hey, Dan, can I take the bills on the Eliminator? Because I'm doing my forum right now. We got a tournament on Wednesdays. You guys are dead down there, right?

We Need a Fourth is the name of the podcast. New episodes releasing every Monday on the SiriusXM app. Full episodes on the SmartList Media channel on YouTube. We've got a game we're going to play for you, Real or Fake podcast. I would have guessed this was a fake one, Kenny Mayne, Brian Baumgarner, and Cooper Manning, because why would those three people get together? But Before we do that, Cooper, can you give me, in the Manning household, the greatest fight between the three brothers that is still talked about to this day in childhood or anywhere in life is what?

Well, we lived in the Garden district in New Orleans, and it's these old historic homes. Everything's old in New Orleans. But they would have these little ladies that would tour the Garden district and they would walk by. We'd be out there throwing football, and every now and then, when a big tour group would come by, we would stage a big fight and just start arguing and then F-bombs, and then all of a sudden, it's just hammering. These little ladies, instead of taking pictures of beautiful houses, they're just taking pictures of three Jackasses rolling around in the front yard beating the hell out of each other. I thought it elevated the trip, these people from Europe. So I thought, at least they get a little taste of Southern New Orleans. They might not forget.

Chris Cody, let's hit the imaging and let's play our new game with Cooper, Kenny Maine, and The Bomer.

Listen up. Time to think fast.

Is this a real or fake podcast?

We'll give you five podcasts. You guys can collectively decide if that podcast is a real podcast or a fake podcast. First one up, Seahawks Stories with Jim Zorn.

Kenny, we don't have an episode where he doesn't talk about Seattle. I'm He's saying fake, but you have to know. This one's on you, Kenny.

I just saw Jim Zorn a month ago. I'm going to say yes. I think he was a XFL coach. He was looking for something to do. Yes, it's the thing.

Jim Zorn does indeed co-host a podcast call Seahawks Stories.

No way. There you go.

He's doing a great job.

We could very well call Kenny's part of We need a Fourth: Seattle Stories, and we would miss a beat.

Yeah.

Next one. Carpool with David, Derek, and Darren Carr.

Yeah, I believe that one.

You think it's a yes? That's a No.

That's the thing. That's a good title. I want to get behind that. If it's not real, let's make it real.

Was that pool not an option?

It is a fake podcast. But there But there is a Darren car, so they can conceivably make this one. Next one. Tom Brokaw. Now Hear This.

No. No. He's just fly fishing. He's done. He's not doing that.

He may be done, but this is an active podcast that you can still listen to. The RSS feed is still alive. He hasn't posted a new episode in several years, but it's real.

Oh, then that's... Come on.

It existed.

That's the He's better in the bomber. No, I would not pay that bet.

No, I would not pay that bet. That's dead. Well, sure.

Next one up. Der Basketball with Detlef Schrempf.

He's just golfing. He's another Seattle reference. Thanks. No, I don't think it's real. I think he would have told me.

It is fake. Although he needs to get on dirt basketball. I think we're perfect. Yes. And last one- We missed the one.

Well, the one's been- Kidding can step out a fake or a real. Anything involving the state of Washington.

We didn't expect it. Last one. Hate to say it with Josh Dummel.

That's Brian's area. Hollywood. What do you got?

It sounds so not real at all, but I'm going for the fake out. I'm going to say it's real.

It is fake. Gentlemen, it was a pleasure.

Look at Bomb Garner throwing F-bombs. He's furious in that Anisepa Cough that he broadcast from.

Hey, Dan, we will change your game. It's like the Hank Haynie One Slice Fix video. Come on our show. We'll get you out there. You'll be having a good time.

These three guys are funny. Cooper, I almost called him Connor again, is the funniestest of the Mannings. We need a fourth. New episodes every Monday, SiriusXM app, and full episodes on the Smartlist Media channel on YouTube. A pleasure, Gentlemen, thank you for making the time.

We're trying to. Thanks, Dan.

This episode is supported by FX's The Lowdown, starring Ethan Hawk. Allow us to introduce you to Lee Raybon, a quirky journalist, rare Bookstore owner, unofficial truth seeker who's always on the tail of his latest conspiracy. This time, his most recent exposé puts him head to head with a powerful family that rules Tulsa. Meaning only one thing, he must be on to something big. Fx is the low down, premiered September 23rd on FX. Stream on Hulu.

Don Lebatard.

Mr. Shirt, if I may say for a second. Miami, they were simulating the Snap count the entire game, and they were clapping at the line of scrimage. The only thing I want to see clapping are them cheeks on Mrs. Met in my face, Mike Shirt. All right? So that's one thing. Stugats. They're a bunch of cheaters, Dan. You know who should be cheating? Mrs. Met on Mr. Met. He can watch if he wants.

This This is the Dan Levatard show with the Stugats. I just got in from doing the top five outside Muggie, by the way. But you know what I just hit that made me feel so much better? A nice little liquid IV. Got the water, 16 ounces, poured it inside of the bottle. He look hydrated. Guzzled it down because it's delicious. And what this one had that others don't, because liquid IV has a lot of different things. This one had the L-thianine with the caffeine. Boosted me up. Yep, the caffeine. I am ready to go for this segment, and I am very excited. Two different flavors, strawberry kiwi and blackberry lemonade. I had the Blackberry Lemonade one. Delicious. So good. So wherever I go, I keep one in my car, in my bag, have it always ready just in case I'm thirsty, and this one hydrates me really well. And this show is sponsored by Liquidiv. Don't let the grind drain you. Ditch the glitch with zero sugar and zero crash from Liquidiv. Tear, pour, live more. Go to liquidiv. Com and get 20% off your first order with code dan at checkout. That's 20% off your first order with code dan at liquidiv.

Com.

Jessica is going to join us here to talk some college football. Zazlo is going to be... You're going to be game day. You don't have to travel this week.

Yeah, I'm excited. I'm here. We got College Football Campus Tour for ESPN Radio. We're going to be broadcasting from our Airstream from Fan Zone, which is on the stadium grounds on Saturday morning.

So not a campus tour. I don't know if you understand, but the stadium is on campus. Correct. You ever been to University of Miami? Yeah, I don't even understand what a campus Because it sounds like you haven't been there. I don't know if you understand the implication of a campus tour. For someone who lives in Miami, it sounds like you don't have a clue. You go to the campus. Have you ever watched a football game? Campus. Okay, very good.

Tony, before we get to Jessica, I've been hearing that a parlay came to you on the way to work.

Dan, some things you think about, right? We're building up parlays. You're like, Oh, yeah, Mike Evans, over 50 and a half. You do all these different things. Then sometimes things just get dropped into your lap. This was an incredible story of things dropping into lap diviny, may I add. Okay? So I'm heading over to the Metro rail. Metro is already rolling in. I have to run up the stairs, which is obviously embarrassing, running after the stairs. Top three. We talked about yesterday. Top three. I think it was number two. It was number two. Running up the stairs. Hold on. The door's closing. I'm running in, embarrassingly. Put my arm in, I'm able to open the doors, I get in, right? But the problem is that cart packed. It's like a thousand people in that cart, so I'm standing. So I look over to the cart next to me. That one's got an empty seat. So I get out of that car at the next stop, and I roll over to the next one, find my seat, sit down midway. I'm on my phone checking scores, checking news, checking Twitter. And then I just feel this phone be put to my face.

So I have my headphones on. I'm not paying attention. I look over, and then it's this lady who she's like, Hey, can you check this for me? And I'm like, Check this for you? So I zoom in on what she's asking me to check on. Let's put it up on the screen. It was a parlay that she built. She's like, This is my first bet ever. Can you check it out for me? You just give off parlay. And I'm like, Yeah, I'll check it out for you. And I look at it, I'm like, Bill's money on, okay. I think the 20 and a half is probably 30 and a half. She probably missed- Someone making their first bet ever is putting together a five-leg parlay. The story is made up. Okay. Roy is writing down these bets right now.

It's a good parlay.

Dan, all of a sudden, I look, I'm like, Josh down over one and a half. I'm like, okay. James Cooke over 48 and a half. I'm like, okay. Dalton Kincaid over 20 and a half for senior. I'm like, damn, this is actually pretty good. I'm like, yeah, this looks good. She's like, should I singles bet it or should I all part it together? I was like, this is your first bet? She's He's like, Yeah. I'm like, All right, parlay. It's a degenerate you're talking to. I want that to go on the screen again. Put it back on the screen. Billy is skeptical. I want you to zoom out.

Billy is being skeptical as much as you want. He doesn't believe this story.

He doesn't believe any of it. Zoom out on this picture, please. Zoom out on this picture. Keep going. Keep going.

It seems like it's real.

Keep going. I need more. That's all they got. That's all they got. They took a picture of your phone. Is that my hand? No. I don't know. It's hard to tell. It's tough to tell. That's not his hand.

That's not his hand.

Let me see your hand. Turn it around. It's tough to tell. Put a phone in it. Also not my phone. That looks like it comes here. Let me see the crevice between your thumb and the rest of your hand.

Does this story come complete with an ending?

The ending is I put the bed in myself because I was like, this is no way that I'm not being given this parlay, looking at it for a first time, and it's like, yeah, this is actually pretty good. It's a good parlay. But I'm locking it in.

Jessica, how do you feel and welcome? How do you feel about game day being in Miami, Zazlo being in the fan zone that's not a campus?

Let me ask you guys this first. Do you guys think Florida is a good football team?

Not really. Really?

Then there's your answer, Dan. It's a game against a good football team versus a not good football team, when there's a lot of games that are probably going to be a couple of good football teams. Indiana, Illinois. Hello.

Oh, but you can't send game day to Indiana, Illinois, when you've got Miami in the top five.

It's a fair criticism, and a lot of people are heated about this. I think Jess is speaking to something. I don't think Florida is as bad as other people say. They have two losses. They lost what became a ranked team. I know USA Steph is now others receiving votes.

What would the other option have been?

Norman?

Utah, Texas Tech?

Utah, Texas Tech, Big Noon is at. They've already done the double up on Big Noon. So I think the argument against it should probably be Illinois, Indiana, but they've already done that. And if they want to go back to back ears with Kirk Signetti not being pressed on his non-conference schedule- Tulane, Ole Miss.

Tulane, Ole Miss, anyone. Get out of here. There's a lot of good games, and that one's on ESPN, too.

Why?

You're on FSU Miami in a couple of weeks that you could have done if wanted Miami.

Well, if you wanted Miami, your only opportunity to come to Miami is this one, probably. You can go to Tallahassee, which, as we know, is the absolute worst. We'll see if they're actually there in a couple of weeks. But they wanted some novelty. They wanted a different look. I've done my own reporting on this because it doesn't really make sense. There are ranked versus ranked matchups out there.

I could tell you Miami was always the top of their list.

Yes. If there's a team to blame for this, it's probably South Carolina getting smashed at home by Diego Pavia that took Mizzou, South Carolina, off the table.

Jess, how do you feel about Diego Pavia?

I think he's the front runner for the September Heisman this year, Dan. There's a lot of SEC quarterbacks so far this season that have disappointed us. Gareth Nussmaier, Lenora Sellers. Obviously, he's dealing with injury, too. Dj Lagway, Arch, of course, who was actually the front runner for the real Heisman, and that probably is no longer the case. Diego Pavia, as expected, just having a tremendous season, and now he is petitioning, once again for another season of eligibility. That's not exactly what's happening. What's happening is that he went to Juco, and so they had an injunction that allowed him to play this season. But apparently, his attorney was also arguing that the four-year eligibility rule is anticompetitive. So anyways, that's a whole side tangent about Diego Pavia. But he's playing really well. Threw two games this season was, I think, the best quarterback via passer rating in college football. And then, of course, they beat South Carolina this past weekend by a lot of points. South Carolina had to play without Lenora Sellers in the second half. But he's not only a great passer, Dan, not only an exciting quarterback, but you'll see him lay someone out with the block here and there.

And it's probably not good for long term health and security, but it is awesome to watch your quarterback just go out there and bam, first down.

Jess, why are you broadcasting live from the haunted mansion, it seems like? Is there a dungeon behind that door? What's up with that door?

Wouldn't you like to know? This actually is the door. This is the transfer portal. This is the portal that players go in and out of when they Reporting live from the transfer portal.

There is something about that door. What is that material? It looks like something you'd find in a castle.

Can you open that door and look for Jeremiah Smith?

I will do that. It's actually leather, Dan. The door is leather. Lehman found this door at a salvage yard somewhere in upper Manhattan, and it was allegedly from a church, but it does have a peephole, which does beg the question, was it really from a church or was it from a house of ill repute? I'm not sure if we'll ever know. It's a good door, though.

It's a fine, fine door. It could be either, honestly. It could be. You were making some faces while Mike was talking, and I don't know which was the thing that you were objecting to.

She tends to do that with me.

I do, Mike. I also am very expressive in general. It's not just you. I make faces at everyone. But I received a text message while you were talking. I won't say who it's from, but it said, Death taxes, and Mike Ryan trying to make the argument that the team UM is playing against is better than they actually are when they stink. I received that text message. I reacted to that text message while you were talking because you said Florida is really not that bad.

I happened to- Give Ethan or Taylor my best.

It was neither. All right, give them my best.

Give them my best. Look, you're a hate and ass hater. The whole thing is a hate and ass hater vibe.

I happened to agree with you. Florida is not that bad. I mean, it took... Lsu, the whole Florida-LSU debacle, and I missed most of it because I was at the Notre Dame, Texas A&M game. But Florida threw five picks, and LSU still almost didn't pull that one-off. I think that goes to show Florida's defense is fairly legit. But DJ Lagua just can't throw five interceptions in a football game, and it's unclear if that's something he will get better at not doing at this point in the season. But yes, Mike, I wasn't making a face at you. I was making a face at the text message. I'm sorry.

Dan Levatard.

I don't like smetty either.

Stugats.

Women stay home in the kitchen where they belong.

This is the Dan Levatard show with the Stugats.

Let's see what her reaction is to a couple of press of different sounds we've played the last couple of days. Let's begin with Brian Kelly. He has since apologized for this. Let's get Jess's take on this sound.

What are you seeing with your offense?

Stop. Really, is that the first question?

We won the game 20 to 10. Try another question.

What do you want me to tell you?

I just laid it out for you. We played the game to win the game. We played the game to win the game.

All right. How about third down then? What is going on with third down? It's one game.

Last game, we were great on third down.

You're micro, you're looking at this from the wrong perspective.

Lsu won the football game, won the game.

I don't know what you want from me. What do you want? You want us to win 70 to nothing against Florida to keep you happy?

No, I think people want to know why you can't run the ball, quite honestly. We can run the ball. Did you see the last play of the game?

That's all you need. You just need one.

There's some ridiculous questions.

And I'm getting tired of it.

That football team just worked their tail off to get an SEC win, and you want to know what's wrong.

You know what?

You're spoiled. You're spoiled.

This team is 17 and one at night.

17 and one. Give them some respect. How about that?

Give them some respect instead of micro-analyzing every little thing. This is ridiculous.

For a group of seasoned reporters, That question is so out of line.

I do want to state LSU's EPA per rush against Florida, according to gameon paper. Com,0. 49. That is in the one percentile for that statistic. This is ridiculous. I think, generally, I get what he's saying, and he's right. When you play good football teams, and Florida, like we're debating currently, maybe is not that good of a football team, but when you play potentially good football teams, you really do only need a couple of plays. You don't need to run the ball well the whole game. So I think he's trying to defend his team there and say, They did enough to win, and that's what should matter. The other point of that is that reporters are not coming into the press room to congratulate you and tell you what a good job you did the whole time. So it's just bad messenger, once again. Brian Kelly, if he had said that in a chill way, and it sounded like he was really trying to defend his team for putting up a gutty performance and still winning despite struggling, then he doesn't have to apologize the next day. But instead, he flies off the handle. And my take on all of this is that he needs to go back to yoga because this was what he was like a lot of the time in the early years at Notre Dame.

And then after 2016, he started doing yoga, apparently, and he was a little bit chill after that. But I think he's starting to regress back into... Asam, slam his fist on the table. He's going back into Purpleface, Brian Kelly vibes, and it's not a good place for him to be.

I don't know what you want from me. Brian Kelly doing yoga is a funny visual.

Put it on the poll, please. Does Purpleface Brian Kelly need to go back to yoga. Also, find for me, please, why or how people fly off the handle. I know what that expression means. I don't know what the starting point on it is. I do want to analyze just the beginning of that. I understand that the back and forth became contentious. I don't think it's an unfair question to say, What are you seeing with your offense? It's not even a negative question. It's such a super broad question.

The tone, though, is like, I know you think this is going to be happy, but what are you seeing? The tone was like-What are you seeing with your offense is pretty open-ended. It was also like the three follow-ups that is like, I want you to say something bad here. The idiom of flying off the handle originates from the literal danger of an ax head flying off its wooden handle when swung vigorously, a sudden and uncontrolled event that could cause severe injury.

Doing it off the top of your head. Nice, Tony. You're good that way. Let's play the Dabo sound. Yes, Jessica, what were you going to say?

I was just going to think of another person we could blame for this. I don't know which reporter this was, but maybe the SID for LSU needs to pick someone that they know is going to ask a cupcake to start out next time so that they can start out with like, Oh, what a good job you did. You won. Yay. And then get to, So by the way, you guys stink at third down, right? And maybe he would have been buttered up by then. But anyways, if we're going to blame anyone, it's Brian Kelly, of course.

Let's get the Dabo sound and play that for Jessica, please. If they want me gone, if they're tired of winning, they can send me on their way because that's all we've done is win. So if they're tired of winning, we've won this league eight out of the last 10 years. Is that not good? I'm just asking, is that good? I don't know if that's good or not to win your league eight out of 10 years, to go to the playoff seven out of 10 years, to be in four national championships, win it twice. Yeah, we're a little down right now, take your shots, but I got a long memory in case you all don't know.

We'll be all right. We'll bounce back.

This is a program built to last. Always has been, always will be. And I would just say, if you give up on us, if you don't believe on us because we've lost two games down to the last trade, you didn't believe in us anyway. So It don't matter. You weren't all in anyway. If you're all in, you burn the ships, man. There ain't no exit strategy. You're freaking all in. Hey, listen, I mean, Clemson's tired of winning. They send me on my way, but I'm going to go somewhere else and coach. I ain't going to the beach. Hell, I'm 55. I got a long way to go. You all are going to have to deal with me for a while. I got a long way to go. I'm just getting going. I'm just now good enough to be a head coach.

This is only a few minutes of what was just a long, long rant of him saying basically, What the hell, guys? Haven't I done enough for you? And it's another situation where it's like, I get what he's saying. He's got a point.

Jess, everything all right? Coming to get you that door.

There are ambulances. I live in New York now, guys.

Time is up.

And people are getting frustrated with him because now it's been several years of the same story. It's like, All right, we're struggling. We're going to make a change here. We're going to do this here. We're going to do that there. And I think Clemson fans felt like this year was finally coming together. They have the defensive... They made the big defensive coordinator higher. It's the second year with their new offensive coordinator, and K Clubnik was better last year, and maybe he'll get even better now, but that just hasn't been the case so far. And it's one of those things where it's like, Dabo's got a point, but I don't think he's the right messenger for this.

He won this league eight out of the last 10 years. Is that not good? I'm just asking. Is that good?

Do you think he knows or is he just saying that? I think he knows.

Well, but how about this, though? Hasn't had an AP top 10 finish in the past four seasons and has lost three games each of the past four seasons. We've talked about the resume from 2015 to 2020, played in four national title games and won two of them. But that's not disputable.

Yeah, but in the last season, they lost three games and they won an ACC, and they made it to the college football playoff. They looked all right in losing to Texas. He has a point. This guy was an interim head coach when he took over a program that was Clemsoning all the time and disappointing. He's bought the right for people to believe him. They were saying this shit last year about Clemson, and he made it to the CFP.

Is that good?

Can I give you guys a little team A versus team B comparison I saw on social media from Connor O'Gara? Yes, you nailed that. That's an apostrophe, Chris. Not like Frank O'Harris. I don't know that fool. So team A, 10 and 6 overall, seven and five versus power conference teams, three and over the ACC, four and five versus the SEC, two wins versus AP top 15. Would you say that's a good team? Like 10 and six overall, two wins versus AP top 15. Yeah. Yeah, it's a solid team. That's a solid team.

Yeah, it's a tough schedule.

Team B, 11 and six overall, eight and six versus Power Conference teams, eight and two versus the ACC, oh and four versus the SEC, one win versus AP top 15. What would you say about that, Mike?

Disappointing team.

Team A is Vandebilt, and team B is Clemson.

That's some good shit she just did right there. That's some good maneuvering, some good chestpiece maneuvering she did there. That was like a deposition.

I think one team under their head coach is seven and one against ranked teams, and their only loss was six overtimes to Georgia. And that is, of course, Georgia Tech. Last year SMU and Indiana showed us you can exist these big mega conferences and avoid playing a super hard schedule. And it seems as though Georgia Tech has its toughest conference game behind them. Cal, it opens up really nicely for them. They have a very easy conference schedule. I know you like Cal from I love Cal. From their Twitter presence.

Let me talk about Cal for a second, Mike. Go for it. This is very naval-gazing, but I have been interviewed by several California-based media outlets about the Calgorithm over the past four months. They're not letting this thing go, and I love I love that for them. And they have a great quarterback, and they are 3-0 right now. But as all of the Cal fans on my Calgorithm have pointed out, this Cal team will disappoint you in new and surprising ways all the time. So while it looks like maybe it's all right in front of them, let's hold our horses for a little bit. Dan, do you want to know the origin of that? Tony, look it up. I do want to also mention, Buzz Buzz, Haynes King is unbelievable. And if that is something that they can sustain over the course of the season because he missed a couple of games last because of health reasons. I do really like Georgia Tech, and that's a well-coached team and a team that is very exciting to watch.

Give us some fresh outrage. Anything on the AP poll, anything that you've got for us that is just freshly baked Jessica outrage?

I will give you something, Dan. This has been a trend that I've seen pick up steam this season. I know there's a very popular college football podcast that does this on their show. I think that... Well, we'll get into it. I have noticed more and more that I have seen people, on social media especially, go after individual AP poll voters and not just be like, Wow, your ballot sucks. Did you forget that this game happened? But literally go on witch hunts and attack these people. And it's gotten very personal. And I think that that probably should stop. I think it's one thing to be like, This ballot sucks. Do better. And I think it's another thing to just go way over the top and go on these witch hunting campaigns against AP Poll voters, because guys, guess what? The AP Poll doesn't choose the national champion anymore. It doesn't choose who's in the playoffs. It matters less and less. It's an interesting thing. It's a data point. But we don't have to kill people over the AP Poll if they have a bad ballot. Some people just are on a beat. If you've ever been someone whose job is to go to a college football game for a living and be a media member on a specific beat, it is very hard to watch the other 75 games happening that day.

And then they have to turn in their ballots right away, right at the end of all of the action. I think it's like, do early Sunday morning, and then it comes out. So I empathize because some people do miss things, and they screw it up. And I've seen voters double down when they've been called out, and it has made me cringe a little bit. But I just think as a fan, I'm not going to go after someone because they had Notre Dame ranked 10th after this week, because they might have just made a mistake. And if not, it doesn't really matter because there's a shit ton of other voters that had Notre Dame way lower, so it's going to be okay.

To your point, they're going at these AP voters for very clearly not watching the games. I mean, there were some ballots that had Florida ranked 10th and USF unranked after USF beat Florida. But the coaches don't watch the games either. If your main central point of attack is you're not watching the games, there's no way the coaches watch the games.

I'm just saying I think it's fine to be like, Hey, your ballot stinks. What's up with your ballot? But it's another thing to be like, You're an effing loser, and you should lose your and you should be ashamed of your... I'm seeing crazy... It's social media, so obviously there's extremes of people going after AP poll voters. But it's such a crazy thing to waste your time freaking out about, in my opinion. And I've seen all of the reaction about Notre Dame being ranked after losing the first two games of the season. And the crazy thing is, Dan, do you remember who was ranked 24th last year after week three?

No, obviously.

Of course you don't, because it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter, guys. It really doesn't matter right now.

I do think the media needs to cover a little more, though, if we're killing AP voters and doing literal witch hunts. It's not something I've seen reported anywhere.

Just for the record, counterbalance. It seemed to have mattered when it came to where game day selected.

Well, I'm not talking about rankings. I'm I'm not even thinking about my own eyes. I've watched Florida play three games now, and they just haven't been very good.

It was Illinois.

What was Illinois?

It should have been the choice.

Ranked 24th last year after week three.

Oh, really? Oh, okay. Interesting. Thanks, Billy. Sustained. That's interesting. Well, let's talk about Illinois and Indiana. That's the first-Sorry, I was trying to hit the Wild Billy Wednesday sound, and I hit the wrong sound.

We're out of time, Jessica. Thank you for being on. We'll talk Illinois, Indiana.

Let me give you my stat. Getting time again.

Finish yourself.

First ranked matchup between Indiana and Illinois since 1950, I believe. I mean, come on, that's electric. Go Midwest.