Transcript of The 555 Rule

Cause I get a thousand hugs from 10,000 lightning bugs as they try to.

Teach me how to dance?

A fox drop above my head? A sock hop beneath my beard? A biscuit just hidden by a friend I like to make myself. On this episode of the commercial break. I'm in the five five five. I'm five ish something foot tall. I have five extra pounds on each love handle, and I have a 500 credit score. So if you're looking for so if you're looking for that, dial me up. You know my number, you got me. Astrid's looking for 555. She might be looking for 554 pretty soon. But anyway, you get for my tanning bed credit incident. The next episode of the commercial break starts now. Oh, yeah, cats and kittens. Welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Green. This is my dear friend and the co host of this incredibly mediocre podcast, Chris and Joy Hoadly. Best to you, Chris.

Best to you, Brian.

Best to you out there in the podcast universe. Thanks for joining us. What another lovely day here in the studio we're having here. I don't know, because it's all blackout curtains, but I imagine it's a beautiful day out there. It is.

It's beautiful out there.

Yes. Tell me all about it, Chrissy. Break me free from my shackles. From the shackles that chain me to this dumb podcast all the time.

The sun is shining, the weather's cooler a little bit.

Oh, it sounds so nice. It sounds so delicious.

Oh, unfortunately, I'm sneezing like crazy because.

Of the rag to have a taste of sun on my face. This is all manufactured, son.

I was gonna say, you look tanned.

So I go to the tanning bed. Cause, you know, I wanna look good. I do it. I know, everybody knows it. Who doesn't know it. I get on this show 24 hours a day, every third day, I'm gonna go to the tanning bed. I don't go that often, but like, when I'm going on vacation or an event, you know, just like you getting your hair done or your makeup done or whatever, it makes me feel a little better. Puts a pep in my step for reasons that at this point will go undisclosed. You know, I'm not. I need a little boost. A little vitamin D boost. Yeah, a little juj. So I go into. I stopped going to the tanning bed the very beginning of this year. And then I went in one time in like, I think it was February, I went in one. So I stopped going January 1. And then in February, I decided I'm gonna go do one little spritz up. Cause it's the middle of winter and I'm feeling a little shitty. I got those, you know, what is that called? The mad disease or the sad disease?

Sad, yeah, sad.

Seasonal affective disorder.

Yes.

I got that. Sad. It probably has to do with incredible weight of debt on my shoulders from this dumb show. But I decide I'm gonna go in February. And when I go, there's like, this is a multiple tanning bed type of situation. It's a franchise, but they're all connected. So you can go to anyone, I think, in the state. You can go to anyone in the state. Maybe anywhere in the country. I don't know. I don't go tanning outside of my own state.

That's good to know.

Unless I live in Switzerland with Astrid. And I swear to God, I was trying to find a tanning bed, and they had one with one tanning bed. A stand up from, like, 1982. No one in Switzerland goes to the tanning.

No, no.

Because they're too healthy to do that. They're too smart to do that kind of stuff. So I go in February, and, you know, it's mostly young ladies that are running the tanning beds. You know, early twenties, sometimes teenagers if you're there on the weekend or in the evenings.

That was one of my first jobs was the tanning. Oh, was it back in the day?

Did you have a lot of guys that came in? Yeah. Did guys hit on you when you went in there all the time?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. I don't. Because, you know, I'm married and. And I'm old, so I'm not. I try to stay age appropriate.

Right.

I've married the youngest. I'm gonna marry. You know what I'm saying? Like, I'm not gonna go any younger. And as I get older, so does my line. It gets older. So. So I go in there. There's a young girl, tan as she can be. I mean, just tan as she can be. Oh, yeah.

When you work there.

Yeah. Dark, dark brown. And she's probably 20, if that. And I go in there and she says, oh, well, I see you canceled your membership to the thing or you canceled your package or whatever it was with the 50. Ten for whatever. And it. But today only, you know, they're always trying to sell you something. A new bottle of lotion. I've 30 different sun tanning lotions under my vanity that I never even think about. Australian gold.

That's right.

Australian globe, blue coast. I got all of them. I got all of them. They all work the same. They don't. Okay.

It just moisturizes.

Why?

You fry.

That's right. What's the point? Fry, dry. That's what I say. Fry, dry, bry. That's what I tell myself walking in the door. I say, hey, bry, you forgot to put on your lotion. And I go, hey, don't worry about it. Fry, dry, bry. So I go in, and she's trying to pitch me on this whole package deal subscription thing they have going on. And I say, no, thanks anyway. I really appreciate it. And she goes, okay, well, today's okay. Well, if you change your mind, let me know. And I said, okay. And she goes, okay, sign this for this tan you're gonna get today.

The waiver.

The waiver.

We're not responsible for your death.

We're not responsible for your death. And then in every room, they have these big warning signs. It says, tanning has been known to cause skin cancer, death, eyeballs falling out, bleeding penis. We're not responsible. Herpes. You know, and who knows who's laying in those things before you are. Anyway? So I say, okay, I sign, no problems. I go in, do it, blah, blah, blah. So then I'm thinking, oh, you know, we're going to Florida. And then the family's taking a trip I should, like, I haven't been out in the sun in a while because I'm tied to this stupid fucking show. And so I say, let me go in, and I'll go sign up for a little package. I'll get whatever, ten tans over the next three months or whatever it is. So I go in to the separate location that I've been in February, and the girl goes, oh, well, you have a balance of $567.80. I was like, what? Huh? What are you talking about? Well, bam. You owe Bob's tanning salons. Add that to your shitty credit score, Brian, I guess I'm in the 300s now. So I go, what? What are you talking about?

I don't owe any money here. I. Last time I was here was February.

They also. I don't know. I don't remember doing credit at the sanding salon.

Well, I don't know. I mean, listen, they're all automated, using other systems to do these systems. They're all subscription based service. Everything is subscription based. They can ding your card once a month. That's what they want to do. So she says, no, you had a. You had, like, a subscription. And then we tried to charge in March. And then we tried to charge again in April, and then we tried to charge again in May. And I go for a subscription. I didn't order a subscription. And she goes, well, it shows here that you did and you signed for it. And I was like, what? And she goes, yeah. And she swings the computer around. It's my signature on the fucking piece of paper. And I'm like, you got to be goddamn kidding me. So now I'm huffed and puffed because I know what happened. That girl had the whole package up and then she just had me. She foolhardy signed for it at that point, saying that they were going to charge my credit card the next month for the subscription service. And I was so miffed. So she gives me the phone number to this particular manager.

She gives me, like, her cell phone number. I was like, great security around here. And she goes, give whatever a call. And I was like, oh, okay. I know that I give Tina. Yeah, give Tina Tannen, tweeze, give the triple t a call. And they say, I know for a fact that I canceled my membership. And at least I think I did. I'm getting old. So I think I remember this correctly. So I call as I'm leaving no answer. And I'm so miffed throughout the night, and I'm like, I'm gonna tear into this. Cause she's trying to fool me, trying to scam me, trying to piss me off. What does she think? She looks at me like I'm a senior citizen. I'll get this senior citizen. This guy's so rich, he won't even know the difference. And I was like, well, luckily, credit card that no longer has any credit on it. She actually chart with a card that I charged had expired in. In that month. So she. They weren't going to ding that credit card anyway. So anyway, so I go, okay, all right, all right, all right, all right. A couple days go by, and then I remember I got to call this person and I go, okay, Brian, simmer down.

You saw this girl. She's 20 years old. She's Tan as a Panasone. And she's got that, you know, I'm 20 years old. Tan is a bad attitude. You come in hot, you're just gonna be an old bitchy dude. Old fucking miserable white man. That's ruining her day. I'm doing the exact thing that us and Scott cease discussed when we interviewed him. I'm going in and I'm ruining somebody's day because they have pissed me off, right? Or because I feel like I have power over them. I said, come in with the Brian look. Sweet as honey, lovely as can be. And I go, hey, listen, Tina. Name's Brian Green and you probably don't remember me. And she goes, it's your birthday, nine two. And I go, how'd you know that? And she goes, it comes up in our system. And I was like, okay, all right, listen, nine two this, 92.

Thanks for the birthday wish, by the way.

Happy birthday, you ding. My credit. Luckily, you're the person I owe the least amount of money to. And I go, hey, Tina, I don't know if it's you or I don't know if it's me, but there was some kind of miscommunication that happened on this last time in February that I went, I realized it's six months ago. It's hard to remember. And I realized that everybody makes a mistake. I'm not saying it's your fault. Maybe it's my fault. I don't want to point fingers. I just want to get to the bottom of it so I can fucking tan. Because just like McDonald's, you're the only fucking place to go within 7000 miles for a tan that I trust. You know, it's not like in the back of somebody's house. Dale's house.

Remember when people used to have tanning beds in their house? Yes, probably people still do.

When I got this notification about this money that I owed, I started googling around tanning places. And I'm telling you what, there are pictures on Google of people who are running tanning beds. You can pay for literally in their, like, basement. And I'm like, the fuck I'm gonna do that? It is Tina Tan and Chewy's. That's what it is. Yeah. It's literally a place where, like, unlicensed beauty services and tanning.

And dental work.

Yeah, and dental work. Apparently here in Atlanta is a hotbed for horse teeth. They take about a horse. And when horses die here in Atlanta, people rush to their mouth, take out the teeth and then insert them because they're veneer techs, whatever that means. Dentist, that's who you go to if they're gonna shave down your fucking teeth, the only ones you get in life, and they're gonna shave them down. And you trust fucking. I don't know.

You can't go cheap on the dude.

Just like Jameera kwai to put new horse teeth in your mouth. The fuck are you thinking? Anyway, so I have this conversation, and at the end she goes, hmm. I go through this whole thing. And she goes, hmm. Well, I want to thank you for not being a miserable dick on this phone call. And I go, oh, I didn't know what. Because of the, like, that 20 year old accent, you know what I'm saying? Like, you know, valley girl accent. I didn't know if she was, like, being facetious or not. And she goes, cause most people would have called up and just wanted to ruin my day, but you happen to be nice about it. So I'm gonna wipe clean the 500. And I go, oh, thank you. Thinking in my head, you are the one who did it in the first place. But I just said, okay, you're welcome. I just wanted you to know I didn't want to come in hot and ruin your day. Like you said. I just wanted to get to the bottom of it and see if there was a solution so that I may come to your tanning bed again.

Because if you're asking me for $576.80 right now, you're going to have to put me on a two dollar a month payment plan. It's not going to work out. Ever heard of the commercial break? No. Nobody else has either. So anyway, so it all gets straightened out. She says, come see me on Friday. You have to sign a piece of paper, and we'll wipe the slate clean. I'll even give you a discount on your very nice package. Lovely, lovely. So I go in. I see her, I sign. Niceties are exchanged. I go in. So today I go in this morning, I'm near one of these locations, one I haven't been to. And so I go into it, right? I go into this room, this facility, nice young girl standing behind the counter. What's your name, mister? Green. You know, can you help me out here? I have one of those packages or whatever. And she goes, okay, 92. Yes. Okay, listen, buddy, I'm dancing planet. Says here that you owe $576.80. And I go, oh, no, no, no, no. Yeah, we already went through this with Tina over at Tina Tannen. Tweeze, if you could give her a call.

So she did, and everything got straightened out. And while I'm standing there during this seven minute and a half minute phone call where they're, I don't know, talking about the latest TikTok trend, and they're occasionally addressing the situation at hand, in walks another dude. Like when you're in a tanning bed and you see another dude, you don't look him in the eye, you just, uh huh, me too. This guy's young, he's young. He's like, I don't know, 25, 26 years old is my guess. I, you know, doesn't, he's not, doesn't look particularly muscly. Like, you know, I think guys who work on themselves, you know, they like to have the tan so you could actually see the six pack. I like to have the tan on my face to avoid you looking at my twelve pack, my 30 pack. And so I. But then I can't help but note, I kind of look up and I go, oh, yeah, you are tan, dude. Like, super tan. And you could tell he's got that fairish skin. Even though he's Tanya, he's got fair skin. You can see it. This dude's been tanning, tanning. And I've heard of people that are addicted to tanning, like, go every fucking day kind of tanning, but I don't think, and I know I've seen women, I think, who are addicted to tanning.

I've seen bodybuilders who paint themselves a certain color because that apparently is the thing to do in your bodybuild. But I don't think I've ever seen, like, a young dude, like, tanning addict kind of thing. So then he goes up to the counter, she gets off the phone, she's, let me help him, and I'll have you in a minute. And I'm like, okay. Oh, yeah, fine, whatever. Yeah. Because my time is less important. And she types in his name. And I'm standing there at the desk, and then she goes, oh, you're, like, 6 hours early. And he goes, 6 hours early. You can only tan once every 24 hours.

Oh, my God.

By state law. By state law, you can only tanhouse and once every 24 hours. And he's 6 hours early. And he's like, it's bullshit. The normal manager lets me take that. You know, I could come in anytime I want to. She lets do it. And she's like, well, I don't know what that girl's doing, but she, like, it's state law. She can't, you know, do this. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Yeah, like, fry your inside.

I know. I wanted to pull the guy, not.

Only your skin, but your insides.

I wanted to pull the guy aside and I wanted to say, tan, man to tan, man, slow it down a little bit. Tan, tan to tan, tan. I wanted to tan, tan man to tan, tan, man. I wanted to tell you once every seven or ten days, you'll be okay. Yeah, yeah. You get a good base coat right now it looks completely unnatural. You look like these curtains. Honestly, you look a weird color of brown. It's not normal. You're gonna get leathery, bro. And when you get leathery, you're gonna be like, you know those guys?

Too late.

Yeah. Like Captain Steve, I take down in Florida, whose neck is literally a piece of leather. Frankie B. Frankie B. That's right. So I told. I wanted to say this. He huffs out. Literally was pissed off. He huffs out. That's bizarre. I didn't know the state law. About every 25. Oh, yeah, it's been there for years. It's one of the first things we learn. You know, you got. The clock resets itself every 24 hours. You can't go more. And she goes, because if you let some people, they would come here, like, three times a day. And I go, no, that's not true. And she goes, we actually have people who work here who do it, like, three times a day.

Really?

And I'm like, three times a day? Day? And she's like, you're not supposed to, but sometimes it happens. And I'm like, that's fucking insane. How do you get on that plant? How much does that package cost?

$597.

How much does the Donald Trump package cost? That's what I thought to myself. How much does the detail? There he is right there. I see him on the tv. Look at him. Yeah, he's. But he spray tans, I think. So, yeah.

Makeup.

You'd think I. That after all of these years, DJT, right, would actually stop doing the raccoon thing. Like, can't someone get in there with a little makeup? You know?

I agree.

Yeah. Like, you know, they give you glasses when you go to the.

They do those little tiny ones, those.

Little tiny little ones. But even the tiny little ones will make little raccoon eyes. So I go in there, and I just stare at the bulbs.

Perfect.

I just stare at the bulbs. So the girl goes, what do you want? And I go, give me the elite gold sunbed or whatever it is.

You don't want to go base.

No, you don't want to go, like, stand up number seven. You want to go, like, you know, lay down number two.

Get the good one.

Yeah. You want to get the kind that only has indirectly burns your skin. That's right. Not directly, but indirectly gets deeper into your skin. So I say, give me that. You know that elite one, the kind with the woody fans and the Bluetooth audio and, you know, the face tan. She goes, oh, okay, that one's available. But let me tell you they put new bulbs in it. Oh, just new bulbs yesterday. And I know I hate the new bulb thing because you never know. And for those of you that don't know, when they put new bulbs in, apparently they burn hotter when they're new and less hot or they burn brighter or whatever. It's like the sun. Eventually it kind of putters itself out. And so I said, okay, listen. She goes and I go, how much time do you think? Like, what's your guess? And I'm asking a 19 year old girl what she thinks about my personal health condition. Right, right. How much crack do you think I should smoke tonight? How many children do you think I should have?

How about that interest rate?

Yes. You want to write me a prescription?

Should I refinance?

Yes. Do you want to write me a prescription? Whatever you think, doc.

So I do the same thing, too, with different people that you go to for specialty things, like my nail person. I'll be like, whatever you think. You're the expert.

Exactly. But they're the experts. And I assume that the girls who work there know much more about tanning than I do. They probably go to some kind of class, I imagine. I don't know. You don't think so? No. They don't give you. What about the big chain? People like, you don't think they, like, say a few words to them?

There's probably some kind of handbook or also like a shadowing day, maybe. I mean, I don't remember much.

Well, I just assume they learn by osmosis, and literal osmosis into their skin, right. How to do it. So she says, listen, here's what I think. She goes, we won't allow you at this point, to go more than seven minutes. Max is always eleven, right? She goes, we won't allow you to go more than seven minutes because they're just. They just burn too hot. She goes, but personally, like, for your type of skin, old man skin, I would do five.

Five, right?

And I go, give me the seven.

What do you think? Five?

No, no. Seven. No, I don't believe you. Don't trust you.

Right?

So I said, give me the seven. I can get out if I'm feeling a little rusty, you know, if I feel a little crusty. In fact, I go, oh, no. I said, if I'm feeling a little crispy. And she gave me this look like, we don't like that language in here saying, we don't like the word crispy.

If I can smell my skin burning more than normal.

Yes. That's how I do it. If I smell my skin burning, then I'm done. I'm done. We've all been to the beach, and you smell your skin burning, and you're like, that's it. I'm done. So I go in there and I'm like, this girl doesn't know what she's talking about. Seven minutes. I swear to God, Chrissy minute number three and a half.

I was like, this is intense.

Oh, shit, yeah, this is intense. I bailed it four and a half minutes. I'm like, okay, she was right. And I told her. So when I was leaving, I was like, okay, you were. I'll listen to you next time. All right, well, listen, I guess enough about my personal, my personal problems.

You look very tan.

Thank you.

Very good.

I appreciate it.

Yeah, I noticed it right when I saw you.

It'll fade tomorrow.

Uh huh.

Tomorrow. It'll be a nice clear. It'll be a clear coat. Translucent clear coat. Nice translucent brown. So I do do brown tomorrow. That's what it'll be.

Perfect.

All right, we'll be back. I'll talk about blue's diarrhea. Everyone's looking forward to it.

I can't wait. What a day.

We'll take a break.

I know you're just dying to say, I went to the bone Orlando on September 25 to see an extremely mid podcast, and I had a pretty okay time. Well, we're creeping up on that time, so get your tickets at the link in our show notes and make those dreams come true. And I promise we are actually working hard to provide a more than mid show. We're also going to be at Dania beach improv on September 24, so come see us there too. Now, I would be remiss if I didn't take this time to ask you to follow us on Instagram hecommercialbreak. I know you're not tired of hearing this. And on TikTok Ecbpodcast. And to let you know that all of our audio and video can be found on our website, tcbpodcast.com, not on social media. Text us instead at 212433 TCB. While you're contemplating what hilarious meme to send us, let's listen to our sponsors and get back to the show.

I'm Sally home with the podcast history this week. In each episode, we serve as your eyes and ears into history's biggest events, major elections, world wars, scientific breakthroughs. But we also bring you into the smaller behind the scenes stories, the unsung heroes, secret meetings, even personal grudges that changed the course of history. Listen to and follow history. This week, an Odyssey podcast in partnership with the History Channel, available now for free on the Odyssey app and wherever you get your podcasts. All right, so blue, my dog.

Okay.

Yeah.

At this point, anything is content.

Yeah, anything is content. At this point, anything. So blue. So blue, my dog. I think the listeners want it. I think they deserve to know about the dog's bowel. It's the first thing I thought about as I'm cleaning up her shit. I'm like, this is gonna be fun for the commercial break. I think about you guys. That's what I think about all day long. My wife, she comes in, like, third. My kids, they're like, fifth. What do I think about tanning bed.

Pool.

Yeah. Tanning bed in my pool. Oh, let me tell about my pool first. So, Astrid. So we have this pool house that Astrid's dad built with his hands. I mean, with his hands. He built it by himself, I will add.

I remember when he was building it.

Yes. It's got four walls and a roof, like, a slanted roof. Rain falls off it, and it's still been.

And it stayed erect.

It's still there. It stayed erect. Unlike me and my low teeth. Ed, I haven't. Oh, my God. That's too funny. Ed, I have it. If you got a softie in your brain, you're gonna have a softie in your pants. You know what I'm saying? All right, so Daniel comes, and we have this pool equipment that sits, like, on the side of this cement patio that we have around the pool. And I never. It just has, like, this weird fence around it, and it's a lot of pool equipment. And I never liked that it was just sitting out in the middle of the yard. And also, there's a lot of stuff that goes along with a pool. And the house in general doesn't have a ton of storage, like, I'm sure a lot of people are used to. And Daniel, every time he comes, starts collecting new tools, like, from the neighbors, from a trash can, from some lady that died. Like, he collects all these tools. And so now I have, like, a tool, a workshop, bench, table saw, all these things that I have never used and they will never use, right? But they're there for Daniel because that's his thing, and he likes it.

And, man, is he fucking good at it. And he knows that his son in law may be a good man, but he is completely useless, inept. He may be good to my grandchildren and maybe okay for my daughter, but he's completely inept. And I am. I give it to him. I am. He built this studio.

He built multiple strengths. He's against the weaknesses.

And my strengths, I can't think of one right now, but I'll get back to you. My weakness is tanning tools.

Negotiating.

Negotiating real estate, negotiating packages at the tanning bed, turning things on and off, changing diapers, taking care of animals. There's a list of weaknesses that I have. Killing houseplants. You know, I listen, I'm not. Anyway, so he built this thing, and it's amazeballs. It's just like, it's beautiful. It works perfectly. And it's storage for a lot of stuff that we otherwise can't house. Mainly the stuff where men would. Men would use manly things, like, I call that the testosterone. Testosterone house. And so I go in there and, you know, to take care of the pool filter and stuff like that.

You just look around at everything, and.

I stare at it, and I go, yeah, that's a.

That's badly.

That must be a wrench. Yes, that's a socket set. Hey, Brian, those are nails. Yes. That you would use a socket set for. Or a hammer. Ay, Brian. So I go back. So Ashford's back there the other day, and we're doing the pool shutdown. We're deflating all the toys, putting everything in its place.

Oh, you're closing it down?

Yeah, because, I mean, right after you just. Well, I actually closed it before we did all the work. This all happened. This is just so it can make it through the winter. I spent $700 so far.

I'm thinking about wanting to come and take a dip now that it's all.

You don't want to take a dip. It's fresh is the word. It's 72 degrees.

Freshen my little play.

Punch that squirrel.

We've got to put it up. Brian showed it to me.

I actually took a video of the squirrel taking a bath.

Hilarious.

I'll put it up. I'll put it up on instagram. So Astrid's back there doing this the other day, and I'm laying in bed because I have a bulge desk. I have a blown desk.

Astrid's out in the shed.

Astrid's out in the shed. Astrid goes to the shed more than Brian does.

It might be just to get away.

Couldn't you blame her?

No.

Can you hardly blame the lady? I mean, can you imagine being married to this? You guys only need it. You guys only kneeled at an hour a day. And that's her break. So she says, honey, she comes back in a couple hours later. She says, honey, I one thing Astrid will not do bugs. She will not do bugs and she will not do burglars. If there's something, if you want to do bugs, emergency bugs, blood and burglars, Astrid won't do. So I'm okay with all of those things. I got it.

So she says, listen, there's your strengths.

There's my strength count, blood and burglars. Great. That comes in handy twice a year.

I'm trying to stay both.

Hey, listen, me too, you know, off myself anytime soon. She says there are two. The thing about the shed is we were supposed to get doors for it, but we just kind of kept it open because it's easier just to kind of go in and out. It's not climate controlled, so why have doors? And we already have a big fence around the yard. No one's getting in. So she goes, there's two huge hornets nests hanging from the ceiling, hanging from the rafters. And I was like, oh. And I've been going in and out of there all summer. Sometimes once, twice a day, and I never even noticed. I was like, but what I did notice is at the end of the summer there, when I was swimming with the kids, there were like a lot of hornets that were coming to get water. There were like a lot of hornets, everybody. No wonder I'm putting so much water in there. Every animal in town is coming to my pool to drink my unchlorinated water. Like, this is the freshest water I've had all week. It's less chlorinated than the water you drink out of your faucet.

So I go, oh, okay. All right, I'll go take a look. So I go there and she and no shit. These hornets nests are abuzzing with hornets.

Really?

Hundreds of them.

Really? I just found a small one out at our yard.

And these are about like a handful. Like b cup, I would say b, c cup. Yeah. Frost size. That's how I know. I go, yep, b, c cup and a nice big handful. And I go, oh, yeah, wow, those things are buzzing. You can hear them there. And I'm like, oh, gee, okay. I go to Home Depot. I asked twelve people. Hornets, wasps.

Wasps. Wasps, yeah.

So I asked ten people, you know, where the fuck do I find the insecticides? And then I find them, and then I find two dual can. Like buy one, get one free hornet, spray the spray. Spray up to 40ft. You spray it and then. And then stay away. Right? Spray and get away. That's basically what it says?

Yeah.

Spray it as long as you can, 15 to 30 seconds, and then run.

As long as it takes. Before the hornets start coming towards you.

Exactly. And then it says it'll kill the nest within 24 hours. So I get these two cans, I come back to the house, look at.

You gentrifying those shed.

I know. I get those wasps out of there.

I gotta clean up this neighborhood.

I hate those white Anglo Saxons. Gotta clean up this neighborhood. Too Christian conservative for my taste. So I go, and then I'm, like, eyeing them. These two open doors, you can't get a good angle with the spray. I already know this for a fact. I'm not going to get a good angle with the spray from the doors. I'm going to have to be inside this thing in order to picture.

You got to get in there.

I got to get in there. They're, like, in the middle of the actual. And they're, like, right next to each other. Rafter and rafter. They're, like, right next to each other. And I say to myself, well, shit, Brian, you're not going to be able to do this on your own. So what does Brian do? Brian finds a construction mask from Daniel. A pair of construction gloves.

Good thinking. Actually, you needed, like, a net.

Yeah, I know. I wish I had one of those, like, beekeeper suits, but I didn't. So I go in there, dual loaded. I'm shaking him up like this, dual loaded my mask on, and I go and I stand right under him. I crouch down, and I go. And the stuff just hits the nest and then comes splashing back on me. I didn't think about that. It's not like a goo. It's like a very viscous substance. It just starts raining down on me. And I'm like, ah. Ah. It's burning my eyes. I'm like, ah.

I was wondering if you had goggles on.

No, I had my glasses, but it wasn't. It wasn't helping. So I'm like, oh, shit, Brian. Oh, shit. Abort mission. Abort.

Covered with poison.

And I sprayed him. And I know I got him. And I'm like, you know, I know I got them, but I didn't get them for very long because they coming back down on me. And so then I go and I run and I hide behind the shed. And I'm like, okay. I don't see. I don't hear, you know, but now I start hearing, like, buzz, and they're all, like, going crazy inside of the shed.

Home just got destroyed.

And so I decide okay, Brian. Like, I'm in the military or something. I think to myself, what would MacGyver do here? Because that's the only man I could think of. What would MacGyver do here?

What would Daniel do?

What would Daniel do? He would swing around, and as he's passing the door, he would lean down in and he would go. And just go, go get a second spray. And that's what I did. I did, like, this military maneuver, and I was like. And I went up there, and then they started following me, I'm sure, out of the gates.

Oh, God.

Oh, my God. They were, like, around my head, and I was freaking out. Chrissy, the neighbor across the street, must have thought I was having a seizure.

An episode.

Yeah. I was, like, screaming like a girl.

Our astro to the kids.

Just sneaky. No, they didn't even know.

I'm picturing them.

I didn't even know. I didn't want to get the. I didn't want the kids at all.

Interested in what was going on, because.

Then they want to come, and I can't explain to them that you're going to get bit and it's going to be bad. So I'm like, did you at least.

Alert astrid that you were doing this so that in case you didn't come back and place a full amount?

Nope.

You weren't having some kind of, you know, reaction to sting?

No. I figured it'd be a blessing in disguise if I just got stung so badly and swole up and fell in the pool, the green pool with the frogs and the squirrels. It just kind of fell to the bottom. She'd find me eventually, and I swear to God, I ran a hundred feet away from these things, and they were. They were, like, zipping around the front of the.

It was like a movie.

It was a movie. They were pissed. Well, yeah, they were pissed. So I got to go back out there today and see what the situation is, because it says, after 24 hours, go investigate, and if you see any activity, do another one. Well, now I'll know to get a little further away. Like, I gotta find a different angle. Yeah, yeah. And I stupidly dropped the. Drop the can. Like, I threw them inside there. So now I gotta go back inside to get that. They're probably sitting, lying in wait, like.

He'S got to come back for the cans.

All right. So I wake up this morning, and Astrid, who is normally the one. I mean, we both are very frustrated with the blue situation. Yeah, I think it's. Everyone is frustrated with the blue situation. It's hard not to be. It's water torture is what it is. It's just slowly. She just eats away at your sense of sanity, quite frankly. And because she's a Yorkie, she has never really been fully house trained or really house trained at all. We tried for years, but Yorkies are, first of all, notorious for not being house trained because they can get away with it. If there's a big dog and he starts circling the living room to take a shit, you can see it, right? There's only so many places a big dog can, like, actually take a dump in your house. Little dogs, they can literally go under your bed, spin around, take a shit and leave, and you won't find it for two days. Well, in Brian's case, you'll find it 2 seconds later, but you know what I'm saying.

Yeah.

So this dog. So we have pads in the house in specific areas where she needs to go. And so I told you the other day, we noticed that she's pissed. Yeah. She's not doing it 1213, 1415 times a day. She's doing it on the pads, but then she's doing it elsewhere too. Right? She's peeing a lot. We think she has diabetes. We're going to take her to go see the vetted. So I wake up this morning, and.

That'S where you need to buy a package. Is that the vet?

We have insurance, okay? We have doggy insurance. Best investment we ever made. Especially with Niko, because Niko went to the hospital literally the first day we got him. And every other day after that with Niko, because Rip Niko, rip niko. You were such a drama queen. But we loved you so much. Every time that someone even got near you, you're like. You'd be like, oh, what's wrong? He was so scared of everything. He was hurt. When you even thought about it, when you said the word hurt, he was hurt. But they never found anything wrong with him. He was just like. He just was. I don't know. He was scared. So I wake up this morning, you know, Astrid's up before me. We both wake up relatively early on school days, and she's usually up before me with a couple of kids. And so I go into the kitchen, and she looks like she's in a foul mood. And I'm like, hey, you okay? And she gets a fucking dog and shitting everywhere. And I'm like, blue everywhere. What is she doing? And she goes, I don't know. She got diarrhea or something. And I'm like, oh, God, that's terrible.

Yeah.

And so I go and I can. Then I can see near one of her pads, there's like a whole diarrhea problem going on. Like, she shit on the pad, and then she shit on the side of the pad, and then she shit in front of the pad, and then she whatever, right? So I go, okay, you know, I'll help clean up and whatever. I go out, astrid's gone. I come back, I'm the only one at the house. And I'm like, oh, okay. Blue comes trotting. I come in the door, and blue comes trotting over to make sure that she barks at me to get me all riled up. And I'm like, hey, blue, what's going on? You know, how's that tummy doing? Is shit anywhere in the house? And I look in the usual places. No, nope, nope. Nothing. And so I go back to my bedroom, and then blue has hopped on this little bed we have next to our bed for the kids in case they won't sleep at night. The room, right? And blue is on the bed, dragging her ass across the bed. And I am like, you, but let me tell you this.

What is on top of the bed? What? What have I just thrown on top of the bed? My fucking shirt. So blue is wiping her ass on my shirt. This little shithead is ta. It's personal now. Now it's personal. She's like, fuck you and all your complaining, fancy, shitty shirt. I'm like, you goddamn little rat. What is wrong with you? Oh, my God, Chrissy. It got personal. Yeah, it got personal right there and then, of course, you know, I got to stick her in the sink and point her ass up in the air and spray her down. And I'm like, oh, I hate this. I hate it. I am going to get rid of diapers in this house, and I'm still going to be changing diapers in this house because the doctor. Yeah, the doctor said, have you ever thought about doggy diapers? And I'm like, have you ever thought about coming over to my house and seeing 7 seconds of the chaos that goes on over there and then asking me if I want yet another diaper to change, doc, it must be nice. I called Chrissy today. Hey, you want to come over at x time to get started?

And Chrissy goes, yeah, I just woke up. It's like 1030 in the morning. Like, I've been up since 05:05.

Must be nice.

Must be nice to have all children. Yes. I'll switch with you for one day.

I was like, you don't have long. Just like ten years.

I don't have long. Yeah, just like 18 more years and everything will be fine. And the way it's going these days, those kids will be with me forever. Forever.

Oh, my God.

All right, let's take a break. And I got something I want to talk to. I think you'll find it interesting coming.

At you live from my bedroom. It's your producer, Christina here to tell you to come to our live shows. We are going to be in Dania beach. At Dania beach improv. I think I said it right on September 24. And the funny bone Orlando, henceforth known as the bone, on September 25. It's coming up quick, so get your tickets aSAP. If you can't make it to our shows, don't worry. We still love and cherish you, but we do request that you follow us on Instagram hecommercialbreak and on TikTok ecBpodcast, because social media is very hard. Got something to say? Text us or call us at 212433 TCB and leave us an unhinged voicemail because that is something I am personally a very big fan of. And I can't wait to hear what you have to say. Check out our website, tcbpodcast.com, because there is a very glorious back catalog of audio and video that lives on our website, just waiting for you to watch it. Now let's hear from our sponsors and we will get back to Brian and Chrissy chatting about, who knows what.

Women are saying. Some women, some single women are now adhering to the 666 rule. Have you heard this?

I don't think that I have.

So I read this in one of the rags online, one of the magazines online, and one of the magazines, yeah, Buzzfeed. Exactly. That's probably where I did read it. All the new and current information that I get from aarponline.com. i saw that some women are now adhering to the 666 rule. That is six pack, 6ft tall, six figures. Okay. That if you're not that, then don't bother.

Wow.

Yeah. You're a scrub. Not interesting. You're a scrub. Don't get no love from me if you can't pay my bills. And who is that? TLC. TLC. And so there's a lot of pushback on this, as you can understand. There's a lot of women that agree. There's a lot of men that agree that those men mainly have a six pack. Six.

They've got that, yeah, but there's a.

Lot of pushback about this.

Well, there should be.

On the surface. I will tell you that I think that this is rather shallow minded. Yes. I understand that in today's world, you almost have to make an instant decision. Like instant decision, insta decision on what exactly you want to or don't want to date. Like, if you're going to just look at someone on the surface and make a determination about whether or not you want to have a relationship with them, there is zero time, it seems like. It appears. At least I think there really is. But I don't think we think about it like that to get to know somebody. And if you take the time to get to know somebody, I think you would broaden your horizons. There are absolutely. If I look at the world, I would say there's probably five, 6% of the men out there are six fig, have six figure salaries, 6ft tall and have a six pack is a very small amount of mendez. But like my good friend Professor G likes to say, he says that increasingly the large.

Who's Professor G?

Professor Galloway. Do you know Professor Galloway is okay, look him up on Instagram. He says some things that maybe you find, you may find controversial, but hear him out. And I think he makes sense. He is also extraordinarily liberal, I will tell you that. But he has been talking about how loneliness of single men is a huge problem and has been a huge problem for a very long time. And the chickens are now coming home to roost. And I agree with him on this one. And his whole theory is, or backed by, not anecdotal evidence, scientific evidence, if you hear him out, is that a larger portion of women are increasingly looking for a smaller portion of men. They are making a quick determination about what it is they need in a partner, and that is increasingly, increasingly unattainable. So you have ten women to every guy that is really out there in real life, a good guy who makes a ton of money, looks great and is over 6ft tall. Right. And so more and more men are feeling disillusioned, lonely, and do not have any chance in hell of competing with these other men.

And when you think about it, I believe that it's true. If you go on a dating app and you're a woman, a single woman, let's say Hoadley went on a dating app today, Hoadley, within hours, would have 10, 20, 30 men that would have swiped on her or put them in their favorites or whatever, and would already be communicating with her. Chrissy would probably have the pick of the litter, and she would pick the pick of the litter. And that's. I'm not saying that Chrissy. Shallow. I'm saying that it's likely that would happen. Right.

Well, I don't know. I have.

I know you haven't been there, but I'm going to guess that's what would happen in my own personal experiences and the people that I know. I believe this to be true, that if you are a guy, let's say.

That the women have way more choices.

We have, will have way more men that come toward them. And therefore, you have the pick. Right. You pick one that's 2030 men that did not get connected. Right. That move on to the next one that also did not get connected because that there's another woman that also has the pick of the litter and that doesn't happen to be them. They don't look right. They don't have the right profile. They don't say the right things. They don't fit the right stereotypes. And so they become increasingly and increasingly disillusioned with romance and dating and females in general. They. They find themselves insulated and lonely because women only want the top 3%. Not saying all women. And then I'm not saying that all women are shallow. Probably most women are not shallow. I actually believe that most human beings are not shallow. And given the opportunity, they would pick substance over style nine times out of ten. Is it fun and interesting to think about, you know, Christian Gray coming and swooping you up with a contract to live as a billionaire for the rest of your life and have orgasmic sex every time you want it?

Yes. Is that a reality? Probably not in most circumstances, but I'm just telling you what I think is playing out time and time and time again because we are being asked, forced, funneled into a situation where you make a. You have to make a snap decision based on a picture and two lines of text.

Right.

That's it. Right.

And I think that goes both ways.

Of course it does. But I don't think that most guys like me would go on. Like myself would go on.

I would also say, too, like, I mean, even looking at the Frankie B. Yeah. Videos that he was doing about, you know, you need to be looking. I mean, it could go the reverse way, too, where the guys are just, like, only want a certain look and person.

You could. You could be absolutely right about that. But let me give you my own personal experiences on the app compared to. Let's just compare it to a couple of female friends that I had that were also on similar app, Tinder. Right? They would have hundreds and hundreds of men communicating with them. And it got, like, overwhelming for them, right. They would just have to scroll through, find the finest guy that they saw with a semi human, you know, sentence in their thing, and they would say, okay, that guy. Let me go on a date with that guy. Because they can't possibly communicate with all of these human beings at the same time. I would swipe right for days. And maybe one would be a match, or two would be a match, or three would be a match. I think, total the time that I was on Tinder, I maybe had seven matches, maybe. And I swiped on hundreds and hundreds of people. It was a game you would do it at. You know, you do it at night. You just sit there and swipe right or swipe left. Right. And so that's the thing.

So now this 666 rule kind of reinforces, like, this really shitty stereotype that, you know, all women are looking for this 666 thing, which I don't think is true at all.

Yeah.

I'm in the 555 category. I'm five ish, something foot tall. I have five extra pounds on each love handle, and I have a 500 credit score. So if you're looking for. So if you're looking for that, dial me up. You know my number. You got me. Astrid's looking for 555. She might be looking for 554 pretty soon. But anyway, you get it after my tanning bed credit. Yeah.

Well, that's sad. I mean, I think it is sad. I think, again, I think it goes both ways of people being. Just looking for something on the surface to just, I guess, get the next interaction. I don't even know how it works now at this point, you know, I mean, I've been out of the dating pool for a while, and so I don't know what it's devolved.

Yeah.

And, you know, check in with Rachel.

I've read so much about this. Like, it's been years, nine years since I've been single. Almost ten years since I've been single. And when I was single, my preferred method of communication was a connection through a friend.

Exactly.

Someone that I met at a bar. A friend of a friend of a friend.

Yeah.

Someone I saw at a party in real life. Because I stood a chance then. Why? Because I think that my award winning personality.

Yeah.

I don't know which award I've won, but I'd like to think I'm winning awards.

I'll give you an award.

Thank you. Baby, I appreciate it, because that is truly how you connect with someone on a level that's deeper than a picture. I'm not saying it doesn't go both ways. It absolutely does. Because if ten women showed up in my profile today and I had to pick one or two to communicate with, yeah. I would pick the ones that look the best. Why? Because that's what the app is built for. But now that's what all apps are built for. They're all built for that. It's a fucking beauty contest.

Yeah.

Right. And. But I think it is a little. I think the experience is a little bit different from. From men, anecdotally from my own, like, network of human beings than it is for women. And, you know, I think that leaves a lot of guys on the sidelines who almost never communicate with anybody. If you went to a party and saw five guys and one of them was, like, super fucking fantastically hot, and one of them was Brian Green, right. But you talked to all of them for a few seconds, and you thought, oh, well, you know, that guy, that hunk, he didn't really have a personality.

I remember dating guys that were very good looking, but they had nothing that I was interested in when it came down to things.

Yeah. They were just like. And that's not all people who are beautiful. Lots of people with substance that are fantastically good looking. Right. But I'm just saying, as a stereo, let's put a stereotypical spin on it. If you go into a room with five guys, hottest to not hottest, and you five to one, and then you find that number one and two are not maybe, like, the most attractive people I've ever seen in my entire life. But I was really attracted to their personalities and the five minutes that I had with them, right. Or the ten minutes that I communicated with them, or they bought me a beer, they held the door, they, you know, whatever floats your boat, right? Whatever you're into, there's a. There's something that happens there that's more meaningful than just looking at a picture or looking at how tall they are or looking at their credit score. Because let's face it. Like, not everybody gets the same lot in life, and we're not all born with the same. Not everyone can be Brian Green. Okay? That's it. That's all I got to say. Not everyone's hambone and hoadly. There's lots of people out there who are just not hambone and hoadly.

But I bet if it. With some of those people, if you took five minutes to get to know them. There may be something like the x factor. There's something that you just can't describe that's there that you're really connected to, that you really feel attracted to. And in the long run, wouldn't that probably be a better situation? Looks fade. Dicks. Tribble.

100% you're correct. Is this a PSA for the single ladies out there?

This is a PSA for the single ladies and the single men out there.

It's like, I think everyone single.

I think we're all learning something here. We're learning that maybe communication face to face on a human level that's more deep and a little bit more mature.

I think there is a backlash. I think there's a movement, I agree to go more towards. And the pandemic didn't help anything.

No.

You know, being isolated and cut off and just learning to live that way because you had to. But hopefully there is a backlash out there or a different change.

I see matchmakers coming back in style. Like match, like personal match.

Make those shows, too.

I know. You know, I went to school with the girl who owns seven. Is it seven at seven or five? Five, yeah, seven at seven. Five or five. There's two of them, and I can't remember which one she owns, but she owns it. It's been an extraordinarily successful business. She's been on, like, Oprah or something, I don't know. And her name is Katherine. And she. And, yeah.

Where the person meets. Both meets many people in person. Seven women, seven gets to know them.

And go to dinner. Sides, nobody's matched up. Right. And they have personal master making services there, too. Of course, you can go one on one dating, but it's like seven women, seven men, they meet for dinner and. Or seven men and seven men, or seven women and seven women, depending on what your. And they meet for dinner and they hang out for the night and connections are naturally made, but everyone's single, and everyone's willing to has an open mind about potentially dating or going or being in a relationship. That's a great fucking idea. It really is a great fucking idea. Yeah. Get one of those together. A two at two. Two. I don't know if I can handle seven people at the same time, but two on two. I worked in a restaurant, so I went to high school with this girl, Sarah Katherine Smith and Sarah Catherine. Then when I worked in the restaurant business, she started going around the restaurants when she started the business to see if she could do her event. And so two of the restaurants I worked at, you know, we were like. I was like, yeah, fuck, you know, whatever.

Let's do that. And they would come in all the time.

We've got plenty of three day old bread we can give you.

Hey, I'll take out for seven at seven. Get me seven stale breads. Get me seven stale breads in a Chiante classical. Make it 14, actually. 14 of stale breads and two bottles of Chiante classico. Amazing. Amazing. I hope that. I think there's back. Listen, now they're starting to like, did you hear what Instagram did? Here's what Instagram did. Listen to this. This will start rolling out in the next two months. If you're a parent of a child who has an Instagram account, or even if you're just a child and your parents don't know you have an Instagram account, if you're putting your real age in there, which I think there's lots of ways they have to verify this kind of stuff now through, like, you know, birth records and all the stuff that's publicly made available. Instagram, which is owned by Facebook, is. Will now not allow you to connect to certain people so far out of your circle. You can now not message, and people cannot message you unless you're inside their circle. Your parents can now see your instant messages, who you're looking at and what you're doing. New parental controls. They have safety measures that they are now putting into place for children.

You know, I think it's only. You're only supposed to be on there if you're 13 years old or older, something like that. But they're saying that children as young as ten are using it, probably younger than that. Right. But they're putting. They're putting these voluntarily putting these controls in place for parents and for children to make the app safer. And I think it's a step. I don't think it's enough, but I think it's a step in the right direction. On behalf of Duckerberg and his fucking team over there at fucking suckbook. And. And I applaud it. Right? It's a devil, but it's a devil we got to live with. And I applaud it. And I think that there is backlash about these types of communications and just how much the electronics in our life are controlling every bit of our life. I see that now that schools are banning phones, and I think that's a very wise idea. I see that people like Sarah and Katherine Smith have extraordinarily successful businesses. They're getting bigger and bigger year by year because people are probably getting sick of the fucking ass.

Yeah.

I mean, imagine, yeah, there's a loneliness problem in America. And I don't just think it's males. I think the males cause more trouble out there in the world, but I think the females are probably feeling it just as much as the men.

Yeah, gotta be hard out there.

I say. I say we're not. We're never gonna get rid of these little computers in our pockets or the computers in our houses or the computers that sit on our walls called tvs. We're never getting rid of those things. They've made life way too easy and we love them way too much. They're our entertainment. They're how we get through the day and get through life. But if we can dis. If we can disassociate for a period of time and do some normal things that were done back when our parents were kids or when even when we were kids, to some degree, I think that's a step in the right direction toward choosing health and self awareness and self preservation rather than just continue to go down the rabbit hole. Because I think we're seeing that societal problems have really emerged. Big societal mental health problems, suicide of teens and people all around the world just because of these little fucking devices and the apps that they have that make us all fucking miserable. Yet we continue to scroll on them day after day. I'm number one. So, you know, that's. This is a PSA. Hey, put down your phone.

Stop listening to the commercial break.

Yeah, we started this episode by saying, I never go outside.

Put on your airpods. Take us with you outside.

I'm going to go outside. This is what. That's what.

I got to go back to the shed.

Oh, yeah, I gotta go back to the shed and kill the rest of those damn hornets. Unbelievable. Ah, yes.

Yes.

Oh, look at that. The Teamsters will not endorse anybody in 2024. Okay, good for you.

Taking a stand.

Yeah, taking a stand by making no stand at all. Well, that's the right. You know, whatever. Okay, cool. My brother's a Teamster. Is he?

Oh, yeah.

Yes. One of my brothers is a Teamster.

That's right. He works in the biz.

Yeah. He works for Johnny two foot, Johnny 2ft.

Are you talking about your brother that works in the film?

He works in the film industry, yeah. A lot of those guys are Teamsters. Yeah. He knows where Hoffa is buried, unlike Geraldo or.

What was that?

He knew where Capone's vault was. Yeah. My grandfather once said, sold my grandma one time. He knew where Hoffa was buried, but I think he was joking. Don't come knocking at my door. FBI. I think he was being serious. He went a little nutty there at the end. All right, 212433 TCB. That's 212-43-3822 questions, comments, concerns, content, ideas. We would love to hear from you. Please text us, please. Or leave us a voicemail. Either way, if you're gonna be at the Dania improv show on the 24th of the Orlando show on the 25th, let us know. We'd love to make sure we say hello to you. Tcbpodcast.com. all the audio, all the video, right there. One location. You can also send us an email or get your free brand new TCB stickers hot off the presses. I saw them today. They're in. There's two of them. So if you're nice and enough in your email, astrid or whoever else.

Haven't even seen them.

Oh, you haven't seen them?

No.

I thought you saw them. They were right there at the front door. Oh. I'll show them to you. During the break. Get your free sticker by hitting the contact us button drop down menu. I want my free sticker. Send us your address and then we'll send it off to you. Add the commercial break on Instagram, TCB, podcast on TikTok and YouTube.com, they commercial break. All right. Hey, hey, hey, listen. A reminder. We pay our bills through the sponsors. If you hear something that you like, go there, tell them TCB sent you. Use our specialized URL's or codes to get fantastic discounts and free shit, and we'll make another episode for you. All right, that's a deal. It's a deal. All right, Chrissy. That's all I can do for today.

Brian can pay for blues vet Bill.

That's right.

Another day. I love you. Best of you.

And best of you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time. Christy and I always say, we do say, and we must say goodbye.

Why are you so radical?