Transcript of "Bill Burr"

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and I am in the waiting room waiting for the three gentlemen, we'll call them, of the SmartList podcast. It's funny. They told me to be here by 8: 45, even though the podcast starts at 9: 30, so it's a point of contention already. But this is the SmartList podcast. Here we go.

Smartlist.

Here's the nice, you guys appreciate this.

I decided I'm going to go to... I was hanging with our buddy at his house over in the West Village, and then our other buddy Chris Henshee, showed up, we were chit-chatting, and Chris Henshee is always good for a million laughs. I said, I'm going to go to Cafe Clooney for lunch solo, and he goes, Oh, you got to have the Buffalo chicken Dumpling. He's like, they're Dumpling, but they're in Buffalo chicken sauce. I go, Henshee, it's not part of my freaking diet. He's like, oh, my buddy runs up. I go, yeah, thanks, man. But this is a temple, as JB would say. So I walk My body's no fluke. No fluke. I walk over there, beautiful noon on a Monday. Snow, just like heavy snow starting. Beautiful. Tucked into a corner. I order a salad and a little bit of chicken with some veggies. That's it. The waitress comes over, planks down some Buffalo chicken Dumpling. I text, I had to him like, You, motherfucker.

Or he called ahead.

He called it in. He called it. My buddy's sitting in the corner, Can you deliver some? That's funny.

Did you have them?

Yeah. I had two. They were delicious.

They look like they had a lot of sodium in them.

Do they? No, no, no. Do they?

No, they don't. You look too beautiful.

Am I looking-I wanted to tell you about Ricky, what happened to Ricky.

This is pretty wild.

Jervais?

No, my dog. He got another special.

Wait, did he lose a number?

Is he bringing the office back? What's happening? I love that we always go to you for our Ricky Jervais news. You're always up on what Ricky's up to.

I like to keep up on it.

No, Tracey, Ricky is your brother's dog.

She knows that. He was being watched by this friend of ours who watches a lot of dogs or whatever. One of the dogs that this person was watching has to take Prozac, right?

Sure, of course. It's Los Angeles dog.

Yes, right. California.

Lots of problems in the world, but California dogs need any depressants.

It's pretty stressful. It drops from 68 to 72 without any warning.

You can bail out now if you want, by the way. No, no. Okay, you're in deep. You're waist deep.

She gives the dog his one Prozac, and she puts the bottle on the counter, and Ricky jumps up, knocks it over, and eats 10 of them. 10 Prozac. I'm not kidding. It's such a long story, but we had to take him to the vet, blah, blah, blah, and they make him throw up, whatever. I'm talking to the vet and I'm like, What's the deal? He's like, Well, there's 50/50 chance. I'm like, That he's going to die? He goes, Yeah. So matter of fact, and I was like, I appreciated that he said it's so Cavalier, but I was also like, Bedside Manor was really bad. Anyway, and then the story is he's all good.

I said to I said to Sean, I said, I thought he was going to say that Ricky ate 10 Prozac and joined up with people. Just got real positive and started touring the world. Just bringing joy to everybody.

All right, so let's get to the guest.

Okay.

My guest today is a fellow podcaster. He's one of the funniest people alive, a Boston native. He's a passionate Patriots fan. He's one of the few comedians to sell at Madison Square Garden, London's Royal Albert Hall. Two years ago, he made history as the first comedian to ever perform at Fenway Park. Our listeners have seen him in one of his 8 billion Brilliant Comedy specials or live tours. But did Will get it? Did Will get what?

Did I say Bill Bur? He said Bill Bur.

I don't know, maybe. He's been on my smart list. He's going to say he's going to say he's going to It's the hilarious Bill Burts. What? It's Bill Burts.

Hey. What's up, guys?

Hey, so sorry about the delay. We've been having all this tech issue.

I'm so sorry. I was just enjoying the podcast. About dogs with Prozac. I mean, that's How would you know the dog is depressed? I mean, it doesn't... I know. What did it talk to you about? Was it the way it played with the ball?

Well, I wasn't watching the one that needed it, but I imagine the same thing. How do you...

Oh, you needed Prozac, and the dog ate it.

No, a different dog had a dog had a dog, Prozac.

You were listening to a different podcast, Bill, I think.

Hey, this is what I would think.

Sounds to me like you got upsold by that vet.

It does.

From milk bones to fucking Prozac.

I would venture to say that in the same way that they say that people look like their dogs, I bet you it's a little bit of projection from the owner. Like, my dog needs Prozac. Does your dog need Prozac or do you?

Or do you? Or do Scottie? Now, just hold on a second here. This is a huge booking.

I know. Bill.

You know Bill, you don't need to do this shit. What do you mean? I know. Does Sean have some- Believe me, when you kept losing Using your internet, I was thinking about that.

I was like, How is this helping me? No, it did help my relationship. I got out of the house, which gives my wife a break from me, which is always nice.

Do you find that? I find that my relationship is better when I'm working out of town.

Yeah, when I'm not there, we get along great. It's when I'm home.

Then do you feel stressed to pick up the phone every night and talk? Well, what did you do today? Here's what I did today. Or are you comfortable going a couple of days without talking if there's not really something to really discuss?

No, I don't do that, but I just try to make her laugh. I just call up and just be a goofball, lighten up the mood.

Your humor still works for her?

Yeah, it actually does. My wife has a great sense of humor. She's actually, believe it or not, I think she's funnier than a lot of comedians I know. She's hilarious. Well, that's not hard.

Yeah, Sam Scott.

That's not hard. But let me ask you this, Jason, you was very revealing the way you answered that question. Do you feel the pressure to call every night? That seems like, do you want to elaborate on that?

Yeah. Wait, let me snort a Prozac. Well, yeah. We're 25 years into this thing, and the kids don't want to talk to me. It really just leaves the wife. If I don't have something that is really pressing to share, then sometimes we'll just be on the phone, we'll just hang there, and then we feel the stress of having to come up with some shit to say. No, we don't really call unless there's a hot topic or a hot take.

It's basically a business relationship at this point. We'll set up a Zoom.

I talked to her assistant. She said she's got something pressing, and can I make some time between 3: 00 and 4: 00?

No, I love talking to my wife. She's hilarious. Good for you.

Wait, you guys Did you have kids?

Wait, Jason, hang on one more time. Jason, there's still room for you to go, I love my wife, too. We'll edit it. We'll close the- Did you not?

I must have cut out again. I said that pretty emphatically.

I believed it. I heard it on my end.

I love her so much.

Bill, I knew it was you when Sean did the intro in the blind intro because I knew that you'd sold out Masson Square Garden, and I knew that you'd sold out Royal Albert Hall because I saw you at Royal Albert Hall on one of your shows there. No, I remember a few years back. Fucking unbelievable. Honestly, it was really impressive. You know, Bill, I'm not going to go crazy, but you know that I'm a fan, and I have been for a long time. Why would he know that? You write him letters? He knows that. We know each other a little bit, and I went to see him, and it was unbelievable. Sold out royal. It was so impressive and it was so awesome.

I didn't come here for this.

I know you did it, but I want to say this.

I'm not going to sit here and get complimented for a fucking hour.

Well, it's also rare.

Don't point at me.

I'll do whatever the fuck I want. You're a Bruins fan. I'll treat you like one.

Maple leaves knocked the crap out of the Bruins last night, was it? We sure did. Yeah.

Good Lord. It was Saturday.

Well, this is their time of year. Fuck you. January. Don't fuck it. They're cautious.

We were off to a good start.

Also, the first three games of a seven-game series, you do not want any part of the Toronto Maple leaves. Those last four, though, nothing but smooth sailing. Jesus fucking Christ.

First of all- Don't laugh, Sean. You don't know what the hell is going on?

I don't, but I figured it out.

It's a little bit true. I love Paul.

A little bit true. It's been 50- NotNot closer. Seven years.

Yeah, it has been 57 years, but we're building because we like drama, okay? We could be like you guys and be fucking one and done. You guys haven't won since you won back in 2008 or whatever it was.

No, 2011. Yeah, this century, last decade. Fine. You haven't won since Lyndon Johnson. You haven't won since before we faked a lunar landing. It's been a while.

I knew it.

I forgot that you're also a conspiracy theorist. I forgot like an artist.

They were still playing with straight sticks. They didn't have the... Stan Makeda hadn't figured it out yet. It's true.

Now, did you ever play-Goli didn't have a mask.

Did you play- old Curly Johnson between the pipes tonight and a young Will Arnett. All right, let's get off. Sorry.

Sean, first question for your guest.

I have a ton. Well, I don't know you, Bill. Well, let's start with one. First of all, just a comment. It's not a thing. I saw you the The first time I think I ever met you was at Ted Serandus' house sometime last year at this comedy dinner thing. You were one of the good guys.

The medieval manor.

It's a total medieval manor.

I always feel like when I go there at some point, all our AI replacements are going to come up out of the basement and kill their human versions. Ai Dave Chappelle is going to come up. Got you, bitch.

Well, my sister, Tracy Ted Seranos, is the head of Netflix. Anyway, so we were there and I'd never met you before. The first thing you said was I had something in my teeth, had a piece of food in my teeth, and I didn't even say and I handed you, I think, a sugar packet, and you just went right in there, stuck your finger in my mouth, and you just got it out. You were like, Oh, this guy's really cool.

Solid. I wasn't going to let you walk around looking like that. I know. Because everyone was talking about you at that point, Sean.

You'd had enough.

Yeah, for sure.

I wanted to be on the right side of history. You know, guys, I've been out here in LA long enough, and I just felt like I needed to tap into my inner hero.

How long have you been How long have you been in Los Angeles?

Since 2007.

Oh, I didn't know you lived here.

I love it out here. I love it out here, and I like reading natives of Los Angeles because they love Los Angeles and they know the history of it. I just can't meet another stupid fucking New Yorker that is bitching about how much they fucking hate it, and everybody's so real in New York. Nobody lies on Wall Street. Everybody's just, contractor says it's going to take two weeks in New York. He's in 13 days. It's so fucking stupid. Then the worst traveled people ever, New Yorkers, they get so freaked out. They go to Hong Kong and be, Let me get a bacon, egg, and cheese. Then they couldn't get it. This fucking place sucks. What's the point of traveling if everything's going to be different?

Bill, I'm so with you. I'm glad you're banging this drum.

They come out here, dude. They give up on their dream to make it in this business because they don't like the pizza.

Yeah, exactly. Then they go, In New York, we get to walk around everywhere. I'm like, Fuck, can't then get out of your car and walk around? I'm not stopping you from fucking walking around. Should they walk up?

Also, you still go to New York- But really, they're homesick. They're home sick. They're pussies. They're pussies, and they act like they're tough because there are tough people in New York, but not you. You're an actor. You're doing a soliloquy. All right? Let's not act like you grew up in Brownsville with Mike Tyson. You did.

They're standing outside, shivering like crazy, saying, Isn't New York great? Is New York's great. La sucks.

That drives me off the wall about New Yorkers. They think that Frank Sinatra's song, New York, New York, is about them. It's not about growing up in New York with the support system. It's about not knowing anybody there and moving there. It's not growing up and you got your mother here, your dad over there, and you get to go home like, Show business was mean to me today, and they rubbed your fucking head. It's about going there, you don't know anybody. Frank Sinatra was bridging tunnel, came in for New Jersey, and then he had hits, and then they fucking claimed him. Steinbrenner was from fucking Cleveland, Ohio. I'm telling you, a lot of the shit that happens in there is from other people. It's small, right?

The rest of them- Bill, you ever think about getting a car with a loudspeaker on the top and driving around town?

That would be good for you. I don't have to. I do standup.

No, but this might be more of the people. You could just give it to people on the street. Hey, you, you fucking missing. You take the fucking Yankees hat off. You haven't even do a Yankees game in 12 years. You know what I mean?

That's a big misnomer. Am I using that right? That people think that I walk around doing that shit. I don't. I only do it when it's done to me. I lived in New York City during the height of the stupid Curse of the Babe thing, which was just always all bullshit. What's that? It was this fairy tale that white people made up because we didn't want to admit that the Red Sox didn't integrate till 1992. That's why we couldn't win. It was because we traded some fat fuck during World War I. If you do that, all of a sudden, you're not... I mean, at some point, when are you going to take responsibility that you had an all-white team right through the mid '60s?

Oh, my God. Wait, but I'm going to talk about something that you're probably so sick of talking about, but I didn't know this until I watched it just recently, the Philly incident thing. If you don't want to talk about it, we don't have to talk about it. But I watched-I don't know about it.

Fill me in.

She told me she was of age.

Fuck him. That's all I need. Thank you. Oh, not that one?

No, not for here. Not for here.

No, no, no. This is funny. Jay, he was in Philadelphia and he was doing standup, and right away, he got a heckler that booed him, and it goes, and he hits back. He doubles down and then triples down and pushes it. I watched the the whole thing. I couldn't stop laughing. It was so fucking funny how you turned on the audience so hard and for so long. He was counting the minutes long. By the way, you ended that whole rant in Philly with, All of you go fuck yourselves in your own assholes. Well, I wanted to make sure it was consensual.

I got to see this. This is on YouTube.

It's 14 minutes of him nonstop berating the audience, and I was crying laughing.

Because of one heckler got after you?

No, the guy kept going and going.

It was this radio show, the Opie and Anthony show, one of the big breaks I had in my career. Opey Anthony and Jimmy Norton got me on that show, and that's when I first started selling tickets. They had a bunch of comics on there, the late great Patrice O'Neill, Voss, Bobby Kelly, all of these guys. They decided to do a stand-up tour. It was a Howard Stern-style show, so you knew it was going to be a hostile crowd. We were doing this tour, and we knew the Philly show was coming. We just didn't know which city it was going to be. We knew it was going to happen. We showed up, I forget where it was. It was right across Camden, New Jersey. It was a long time ago. The fucking Philly people, they were tailgating. They had like, Eelio's jerseys on throwing footballs. It was fucking wild. It looked like it was either going to be a football game or a metal show. The first guy went up and got booed. Oh, God, it was so bad. The sun was still out and he was in Philly, and he had half his family there.

It was so fucking bad. They were all chatting, Asshole, asshole. I remember he didn't know what to do. He was like, there in the headlights, and as it going, Asshole, asshole. He just goes, Thanks a lot, you guys have been great. I went on a couple hours after that, and the sun had gone down. I made a few mistakes getting into it, and then they got on me, and they all started booing.

It's Philly. What does a mistake look like?

I think I went out there, I was worried, so I was timid, so I was on my heel. The crowd subconsciously senses that. Then I also think I might have done, started to do a bit, and I was like, wait a minute. I think they played this bit on the radio, and then I got in my head. Did I already know this joke? So I was like a half-click behind doing the joke, and it didn't work. Then I go, what the... I can't remember. I just remember I thought it was the end of my career, I'll be honest with you. It was like 10,000 people booing me. But then I just started crashing their sports teams, and that's what saved me.

And them.

Well, it was because it was the tri-state area. If I made fun of the Flyers, it was Devils fans and Capitals fans. I got pockets of people laughing. Sure, hit everybody. This This was before the Phillies won another World Series. They had won one World Series in 100 years. Then they also did a bunch of dumb shit, put up a statue of Rocky, but not Joe Frazier. They put one up of a fake white boxer. It was pretty easy. I've never watched it. I'll be honest with you, I never watched it. Oh, my God. It's so funny. I was riding home with Bobby Kelly, one of my great friends in this business, and I was just quiet. I had a fucking headache.

It did the opposite, by the way. It became viral and you became huge from that. Not that you weren't.

No, but I didn't know how people were going to take it on the internet. I thought they were just going to watch it and see me getting booed, and I thought everyone was going to make fun. I catastrophized. We were driving back up whatever that highway is. I remember Bobby was going, he's like, Dude, you just told the whole city of Philly to go fuck themselves or whatever. I was like, Dude, I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to talk about it. It's going to come out on the internet. This is going to be a fucking disaster. Then I was also worried that everywhere I went, they were going to do that. That was going to be my thing because no one knew who I was. And this was my first big viral thing. And it wasn't me doing material. It was me getting booed. Then I did the next city on the tour, and I was walking around backstage, and people in the crowd saw me, and they were going, Boo, before I even went out there.

Fuck.

Oh, jeez. I remember I was talking to those guys going, Guys, you got to put me on early. You got to give me a chance. And they didn't. They put me on late, and I walked out, and they just started booing me. I was just like, Guys, I'm not going to do this. I'm not going to do this. Then it was funny. They were like, Hitting me up on my space. This is how long it was. People at Cleveland being like, Dude, there could have been such a great moment in comedy, and you ruined it, blah, blah. It was so funny. A lot of listeners of the Opey and Anthony show, the fans, thought they were really educated on stand-up comedy to the point that they would lecture stand-up comedians about it, which is fucking hilarious. I mean, I've watched some plumbering videos, but I don't think I would ever sit there talking to a plumber going like, Hey, I think I'm going to use a different size C-clamp there. Yeah, that's what I was worried about. My next gig I had after that was the Punch Line. I went from 10,000 people on the tour to just doing this perfect a quick-sized comedy club that was only like 180 people.

I was terrified in the green room. That's how my brain used to think. I used to catastrophize. I don't do it anymore, but I used to be, and then this is going to happen, this is going to happen. I'm going to live up home with my parents, and I'm going to watch them die. I would literally do that over a bad set. I went up on stage at the Punch Line, and it was like, these were fans of my act. The Opey and Anthony show wasn't in San Francisco. Then also, the big thing is I could see all of them. It takes no balls to boo somebody when you're in row 40 on up. I can't see you. You know what I mean? I could really get them.

We'll be right back.

All right, back to the show.

Has there ever been a heckler that's been really good? Oh, yeah. Like funny? Yeah.

Or just bizarre. Yeah. I would say the angrier people, because then it's this weird thing where you have to get them so you maintain the audience's respect. But if you get them too well, are they coming up here now?

Yeah, right.

I had a woman throw a shoe at me one time. I was doing I'm going to gig in Spanish Harlem for this comic, Smoky, who's absolutely hilarious. Remember, he had this hilarious bit about a crackhead trying to steal a parrot out of a pet store. He would have the mic under his shirt yelling, I came in with it. I came in with it. He was fucking hilarious. It was this weird... It was like a satellite room. It wasn't a comedy club. It was almost like when those lecture halls with the teachers way down and they go up like that. I was doing the gig, and I'm doing the thing, and I was leaning forward as I was doing this, and the shoe came down because I got in with this woman, and it hit me right on my inner thigh, and I immediately was going to get mad. Somebody throw something me on stage, but it was But then there was this tension because it was an all-black crowd. I'm a white dude. Like, what's going to happen? I was able to turn it around because I looked. I picked up this shoe and the shoe was, oh, my God, it looked like it got dragged down the street by a bus, right?

It was really quiet in the place. I was like, I was going to get mad. But then I looked at this shoe and then they all started laughing. I was like, Can I realize this isn't about me? This is about a childhood I have no hugs. I forget what it was. All I remember was I got everyone to laugh again, and then she came down to the stage to get her shoe. Wow. Oh, wow. Jesus. I was like, What are we doing? We're going to hug this out? We're going to hug it out? She was cool. She just came up, we gave a big hug. I gave her her her shoe back. It was so cool. A few weeks later, I was riding the downtown 6. I was living on the Upper East Side at the time, and I ran into this woman that was at the show, and she was just like, I was at your show, and that woman threw the shoe, and she goes, Me and my friends are still talking about that, blah, blah, blah. Once again, no one knew who I was. Those little moments of validation of like, Oh, my God.

They went to my show, not Not only did they like it, they're talking about it like, I remember you.

Yeah. Well, yeah.

Those are those little things along the way as you keep getting kicked in the chest that keep you going.

Bill, I wanted to ask just about something that you mentioned earlier, reminded me because I've seen you talk about it before, and I remember talking about somebody asking you if you were nervous about, fuck, I forget what it was, whether it was like, Coney.

Yes, is the answer, whatever it is.

If you were nervous about, no, was the answer, about what people... No, it was Bill Mahr asking, What your reaction was to people online and their comments about shit that you said. I loved what you said at the time. I was just like, I don't give a fuck what 100 people on Twitter say, a bunch of fucking losers, and you went off on a bit of a thing about it.

Oh, yeah, that is true.

Yes. Talk a little bit about that because I remember, because earlier you were saying it was early on in, probably in social media, when you did the show, the Opey Nandy show in Philadelphia, and then you were worried about what it was going to do online. It'd go viral, blah, blah, blah. Now, you don't give a shit about what people say. Is that true? Is that what I'm getting at?

Yeah, I just learned there was that weird period in stand-up where it started with the #MeToo movement, which was amazing that it went from, let's get rapists and sexual assaulters out of the business. Within 18 months, it became like, Hey, I don't like what you're talking about in your standup act. Yeah, your career is over. It just got spun out of control. Then that's when people started, we'd be doing interviews and they were saying, some of the statements you made last night on stage, it's like there was no statements. There was no jokes. What I would just always say is like, listen, I'm up there joking around, all right? If you make the decision to take what I said seriously, doesn't mean that I now meant it. You know what I mean? You're free to do that. If that's what you want to do, you're not going to have a good time. You know what I mean? I was in some place recently and there was a giant river next to the theater just rushing down the thing. I was like, This is a great city to kill your wife. Just throw it in and it goes down.

They have no idea where It's just a stupid thing like that right now. If you go like, and then there's going to be somebody, and they go, My best friend got killed by his husband. It's like, Yeah, well, I didn't do it. It happens in every city. I'm not saying to do it. I'm being ridiculous. I said that because I have Can you explain comedy to you. Why would you come here?

Do we think that that's over now? Yeah, Shani, right? It never happened.

It never happened. It was in New York and LA, but then as a comedian, you went out on the road. But the problem is all of these people that were controlling that narrative sit here in New York or LA.

With their hands on the buttons.

Well, that's their universe. Yeah. That's why my favorite thing in the is watching these idiots on award shows, lecturing people about race. They go up there and they got to say something about that and homophobia, blah, blah, blah, whatever the fuck they're doing. You look at Hollywood, they're just now integrating. Sports integrated like Almost 80 fucking years ago, and then now they're just getting around to giving more people opportunities. It's like, dude, what the fuck are you... What fucking world are you going to sit here in lecture? Because what? Oh, Black Lives Matter. You had your Instagram page all black for one day.

Wow. Way to go.

I had to be on the right side of history. That's what I love about my people. I always say my people. I hate when... I was guilty that when white people say white people, it's like, no, it's us. I hate when we fucking do shit like that and we think that that stupid gesture is still about us. I had to, you guys. I just had to use my voice to fucking... It's like you didn't even leave your fucking apartment.

Right, I know. We didn't even get into the... Like Will and Jason, I'm a big fan, and I've wanted you on the show for a couple of years now because I just I laugh every time I see you.

Were you supposed to be on the show once and it didn't work out? We had a time.

I know we've been trying for a while.

I had a meltdown. I couldn't figure it out. Now I have a guy that helps me out.

That's good. You were born in Massachusetts. Your parents were doctors, right? Was your dad or your mom was a dentist?

No. My dad was a dentist, but he's a psychologist, so he thought he was a doctor. Okay.

Yeah, I know.

He also thought I had a stomach ache and it was a ruptured appendix, but that's a different story. What did mom do? She was a nurse. Okay. My mom's a beast. My mom's a beast. Ccrn ICU. She had all the letters. I remember one of the funniest things ever as far as a job becomes a I was dropping her off at work. We pulled in. She just goes, Christ, will you look at all those ambulances? I just burst it out laughing. She goes, I know, I know. I shouldn't look at it that way. But she was like... That's great. I've seen her save a couple of people's lives when they had issues-I love that. In public. She just like, knows what to do. Yes, someone was having a stroke, and she immediately looked at her watch and all of that stuff and knew that they had this enzyme. Thank God, now that they can shoot in. And if they do it within some amount of time.

Within the first hour.

What do you mean?

I had a family member who just had it six months ago, and he got it 58 minutes after having his first symptoms. Of what? Of having a stroke. And the doctor said, You're fucking lucky that you got it. What's the symptom?

Well, this person, their eye was tearing up. That's what made my mother clock it.

The eye tears up?

The eye was tearing up. The person was in a CVS or something. They were trying to get some ointment for their eye because it was tearing We happen to be there. So my mother was just silently, like a fucking secret service. She just read, okay, she just knows that that could be a thing or whatever. And then the person couldn't talk and they just went down. It was fucking scary. Wow. And Everyone was freaking out. She was just cool as a cucumber. Called the ambulance. They got there. When they showed up, I couldn't... I just seen her in action, she knew what time it started. They knew, and then they shot the enzyme in and they were able to break up the clot.

That's pretty cool. Well, so these are both serious people, mom and dad. How did they feel about you taking the right turn into comedy?

No, they were totally supportive. But they're also like artists. My dad plays a bunch of different instruments, can draw you as you're sitting there. He's amazing at drawing and all of that stuff. Then my mother is a stealth artist because she grew up in the '40s and was left-handed, and that meant you were The Devil. They made her right-handed, and she's actually a left-handed person. It became a theme, I think, in my mother's life of, I wanted this, but they made me do that. She just, Oh, okay, I guess that's what you do. She's had this It was a funny experience with that. Then later in life, she's tapped into that side of her, the artistic side. That's great.

I like that. That's really cool.

They always encourage you in the arts and shit when you were growing up?

Yeah. They didn't have any problem with me going into it. But my mother is like, she's like German midwestern. So it took the longest time to get a compliment. I like Almost like, stopped telling her when I was on TV. Then I remember one time I went back to Boston. I did this show at the Comedy Connection when it was in Fanual Hall, and I just went on. I caught his own and I just murdered the whole time I was up there. And I got off stage, and I remember she just went, Now, that was a good show. I said, All right, I finally got her. Then for the next six years, every show I did, she compared to the Boston one. That was good. It wasn't like that set you did in Boston. I was like, Mom, why do you do this? She goes, I'm trying to make it better. I'm just trying.

Then what were some of the first couple of gigs you had? Did you work at a warehouse or something before you started doing standup or something right out of college? What were you doing?

I did a lot of warehousing. I tried landscaping stuff, but just being the redhead in the sun, it was just brutal. I tried roofing and stuff. I was going to die. I'd be dead of skin cancer by the time I was 20.

You don't strike me as a flippant or reckless person. How confident were you that comedy was going to be a career for you? Did you protect yourself a bit by studying other things? Was there a plan B?

Dude, I sucked at everything. I just I had massive, massive fucking ADD, massive childhood trauma and shit. I think it first started getting alopecia when I was 12, just from fucking stressing, just being in a fight or flight. I want to talk about that. For shit, I'm not going to get into. People always try to get those stories out of me. I'm like, dude, 17 people would have to be dead before I could tell those fucking stories. Innocent people.

But there was no... You say you suck at everything. I don't believe you. I bet if you wanted to point yourself in a direction, whether it be... Well, maybe even medicine. I mean, look at your two parents. Were there brothers or sisters that were carving a path?

I could show you some report cards that would debunk that theory. No, I was like a fucking cat on a leash, dude. I don't know what it was. I just wanted to... Every place I was, I didn't fit in. I just was always outside the thing looking at it, and I was looking at everybody else, and I was trying to do what they were doing. It was really an outer body experience most of my childhood. Then when I went down to my second show I ever did, it was this long-gone Comedy Club, Stitches Comedy Club. I remember walking in there and there was all of these fucking damaged open micers. It was the first time I ever felt like I was around the same weird that I was. I had found the right nuts to hang out with and how they viewed the world and how they interacted with it made sense.

Who were some of those guys? Who were some of the guys that we would know that you came up with? Because I'm always fascinated by people who are now famous, who hung out with other people who are now famous before you made it.

I had a killer group. I came up, let's see, Dane Cooke, Patrice O'Neill, Robert Kelly, and then there was this kid who came down from Maine, Bob Marley. That was his real name. He was born in '67. That was before Bob Marley made it. That's funny. Everyone was telling them- That was the last year the Leaps one. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's right. You haven't won since Bob Marley wasn't famous. He was growing his first dreadlock.

I can't believe you're bringing Everything back. You had to mention 60 fucking seven. It's unbelievable.

I love you guys, and I don't understand why you hate the Bruins. We have a mutual...

You got a lot of good Canadian. A lot of Canadians who won that cup for you. Hang on. Let me ask you, Bill, you talk about your second How did you end up doing your first standup?

I think it was a lot of Europeans won that cup for us. You're just assuming that you guys still dominate the lead.

Well, you had fucking Brad Marshawn, and you also had Bergeron was your captain.

Well, there's two guys.

No, I guess Charo was your captain at the time. Anyway.

Oh, that's what the problem is. You guys don't realize you need a team.

No. Hey, listen.

Is that why you're never balanced and you buy like three fucking zillion dollar forwards and you have no fucking defense?

We didn't buy them. We drafted all those guys. Anyway, except for it's Avarus. Listen, Bill, how did you end up at your first show? How was it that you went, I'm going up tonight to do stand up tonight? How did that happen?

I was so walled off and shy that I had to make a New Year's resolution in 1992, I said, At some point this year, I had to get myself a whole fucking year.

Were you writing jokes before? No.

But prepare? Then I would have to think about what I had to I do. I'd be like, I need to write jokes. Oh, look at this can. Let me fucking do something with this. I made that thing in my head, and I was going to Emerson College at that time. The whole reason I was going to Emerson College, two reasons. One, I had to get a college degree because my parents were professionals and they wanted me to do that, so I was doing that. Then two, it was a performance school, so I went there to get over stage fright. I had real no... I majored in mass communication I didn't. I was majoring in volunteering to get in front of fucking people. I did radio so I could be on a microphone and talk to people, but I didn't have to see them. It was very baby steps. I made this New Year's resolution, and then there was a school paper. I don't know if they still have it there, the Emersonian. There was an ad in the paper. It was this contest at Nick's Comedy Stop, Find Boston's Funiest College Student, which was just a big sales promotion to get a bunch of drunk kids, college kids in there buying beer, watching their friends bomb.

I signed up. I went home and signed up. It was funny. My parents are into antiques, so they had this RestoMod phone. I was literally like, Yeah, hello, operator. I'd like to get in a showbiz. You opened it up. It was still a push-button phone. I just called up and I signed up for the contest. I showed up and I went up and did it. It didn't go well. It went okay.

What did you do? What was the first thing? Do you remember? I'm really curious about this. You get up You do this fucking thing and then you get up on stage, and then what?

Well, it really is the funniest thing to get into because you can't really practice it. You have no idea how to do it. The only way to learn how to do it is to just go up and do it. I do remember sitting down to write jokes for the first time and just staring at the blank page. I don't even know how to do this. I just started writing stuff and stories and talking about myself. It was a very self-deprecating orientating set, talking about being a commuter, having no friends, having no girlfriend, basically discussing all the sadness that leads one to start becoming a performer.

It was a lot of that.

I went up there, I forgot what I was going to say. I started in the middle of the shit that I could remember, and I meandered. But I remember getting off stage. I do remember going up to the mic in another auto body experience, almost like watching myself taking the mic out of the mic stand, and I was just This is what I'm doing. I'm doing this for the rest of my life. This is what I'm supposed to be doing. The guy who hosted it, Billy Martin, who's now a big shot at the Bill Marshall, he gave me Rita Choice's number. I still remember her. She was fucking hilarious. She used to make me call up the club, and I'd be like, Hey, Rita, it's Bill Burr. I want to get some spots. She goes, No, no, no, no, no, Bill Bur. I thought it was the funniest thing ever. I loved it because that was, to me... And also she was in the comedy world, and I loved that type of affection. I don't like real affection. Hey, man, I'm just going to say you really mean a lot to me. Like, literally, my toes start going like that.

My sneaker's like, dude, we can't have a real fucking...

I get it.

We'll be right back.

Now, back to the show.

Hey, real quick. I got an 18-year-old daughter that wants to go to Emerson. Was it great?

It's fantastic. Yeah? It's fantastic. One of the great things that they had was they had people that went there and were doing well in show business, and they would come back on a regular basis, and they would talk to... I do it. I haven't done it enough. I should do it more. But you come back, and what's great about it, I remember sitting there looking at these people. They had produced a movie. I forget what movie was, but it was something that I had seen. Just to see them being like, Oh, they were sitting here, and now they're doing that. This is possible because you know how this business is. This isn't like you start in the mail room, and then you work your way up to that. It's just like this field. You just start running and you don't know, Oh, they're running this way. I run over here. You have no idea. There's no- Squit game. Exactly. People are fallen. Totally squit game. Quitting, becoming substitute teachers. You have no idea whatWhat the fuck am I doing?

But then, Bill, what's so impressive is your massive, hugely successful career in standup and doing specials and everything. But what a great actor you are. F is for family. How are you doing that? It's King of Staten Island and then Mondalorian, which I was like, Oh, my God, Bill Burris on Mondalorian. That was so cool. Then you did Old Dads, which you co-wrote.

With Ben Tischler, yeah.

Produced, directed, and starred. I wanted to ask you about Old Dads. Because, and I want to ask Jason to this, when you first start directing, I was reading about you, Bill, about old dads. When you first start directing and you have to call action for the very first time in your life as a director, it must feel so awkward. I got to say it with conviction, because if I say action weekly, I won't look like a leader. I have to... You know what I mean? Isn't that weird to call action for the very first time as a director?

Yeah, it was.

Because you've seen it and you've been around it.

They also said the first AD was a bit like, Do you want me to say action? Then I realized, Oh, is it hacky now for the director to say action? Do I need to have that old big bullhorn and action? I just deferred that to them. But I do remember I directed Old Deads not because I wanted to. I never had any desire. Once again, my fucking ADD and everything. I was just like, I don't want to... Let me just I don't give a fuck, dude. Give me a line read. Whatever I have to do to get through the fucking day, I don't care. I knew I was in trouble directing. This is how what happened was we were coming out of COVID, so everybody was committed to all of these projects that they didn't do plus what they were going to do the next year, so no one was available. Then they start talking, going, Well, Bill, you wrote this movie. I go, No, I didn't. I wrote it with Ben Tischler. Yeah, but it's your voice. No, no, no. They kept trying to back me into a corner. Then they go, Well, I mean, it's getting late.

It's going to go away. I just said, All right, fine. I'll do it. I don't remember 2022 after that. This is when I knew I was in trouble was I was talking to the set dresser, whatever. I never know what the names of the jobs are. The person that puts all this stuff in the room, right?

That guy.

Yeah, that person. I'm dancing Monkey. I have different names for the jobs, but they know what I'm She goes, Okay, this scene, it's a backyard barbecue scene. Are we thinking paper plates? I was like, Yeah, paper plates. She goes, What paper plates? I was like, Oh, fuck. I go, It's to this level. Then I started thinking, Oh, there's directors out there that choose a color palette. I'm just way in over my head. The reality of Old Dads is Ben Tish is a co-directed with me. So he had my back. Monica Levenson. I had a ton of help. But the thing was with that thing was I knew how to write jokes, and Ben knew how to write structure. We We had this scene there, and it's like, I wasn't trying to be Stanley Kubrick. I was just trying to make you laugh. So it wasn't like...

I've asked every stand-up comic that does some acting the same question, how do you like the process of... Because as a stand-up, you come first, and then you write words to fit you. As an actor, it's the exact opposite process. Do you enjoy that or is it torture to you to have to fit a bunch of words in a character that pre-exists?

No, I love it. I'm envious of the collaboration. You know what I mean? Yeah. Will knows this. He's been out on the ice with me. I'd rather get an assist than the goal. I put it right the fucking tape. What does he do? He shoots it over the crossbar just like every bum on his team. Jesus Christ, bro. No, I really like… My acting career, which is funny, is what I always say is I've parrattrooped into some of the best stuff, and only for a couple of episodes. People have this idea of me. Breaking bad. Yeah, that I have this way bigger acting thing than I do. I only did a couple of episodes It was a break in bed. It was a couple of episodes.

It was fucking... Yeah, but it was great.

A couple of episodes of Shapel, Man and Laurie. I've parrattrooped into these- But you do enjoy it?

Not as much as a stand-up, but yeah.

I love it. No, I absolutely love it. I have an acting gig coming up next year in Next month in New York doing Broadway for the first time. I'm doing- Glen Gary, Glen Ross. Glen Gary, Glen, Ross. Oh, wow.

No way. Yeah, with Kieran Culkin and who else?

We just want a Golden Globe, Bob Odenkirk, Michael McKean. Oh, man, I want to be in that. It's a better call I saw Breaking Bad there. Got a little bit of succession in there.

I'm going to see that.

When does that open?

I think March 10th.

Okay. You're excited about that? Is that your first play?

Yeah. Yeah, I never did it.

How long are you doing it? Do you know how long you're doing it?

How long and who's directing?

How long are you doing it?

I'm doing it until the end of June, I believe.

So March, April, May, June. Oh, that's not boy.

That's like, yeah, 16 weeks or whatever.

What about directing? You think you'll ever again?

I'm slated to direct the next one I just wrote with Ben. Yeah? After in 2022 going, I'm never doing this again. But I don't know. I always joke. I go, We're like the comedian, and I'm not saying we're anywhere near them, but like comedian Coen Brother type of thing. If it says Produced by Ben Tish, so know that he was directing to- Listen to this guy.

He says he's like a Coen brother over here.

I just went through all of their movies. I just went through all of the movies that I hadn't seen.

Aren't they incredible? I mean, these guys I missed them.

You know what's a great one? Here's one to watch with your wife, your lady friend, your life partner, Sean. Thank you. Thank you, dad. Good for you, bro. Paris, Jeutem. Paris, Jeutem is something that they just produced, and it's a series of 20, 10 minutes short films about love in Paris and all different people finding love, people getting divorces, tragic, funny. It was such a surprise. Amazing movie.

That's French for Paris, I Love You.

Paris, je t'aime. Thanks.

That's nice.

.

Billy, so the Monday Morning podcast, you started in 2007. Yeah. And you're still doing it.

What? Yeah.

Wait, this is pre-Dec Shepard? Is post-Mark Maron, or Dack Sheppard.

Yeah, I don't know.

In the podcast pantheon.

Sorry for the way that he marks years in your shit. I don't know if you're going to do a deep dive into the history of podcasting.

No, but I mean, we don't have to, but it's like, wow. I You've been doing it before it was a thing.

I was doing it when I used to call in a service on a flip phone. Wow. My first podcast were only like five, six minutes. It started off with... It was on the MySpace page, and you would post it. I was over Bobby Kelly's apartment once again. We were both living near each other in New York at the time. He was the one. He goes, Dude, you know dude, it's a way to connect with your fans, dude. He says, I do it a lot. I was like, All right. Then I just started doing them and I liked it. It's been this amazing exercise for me because I don't have guests, really. I just babble and then answer questions and stuff It grew to 10 minutes to 20 minutes, the same way you build a stand-up act. Now I can just by myself talk for an hour. When I shoot a special, going out and trying to come up with a whole new hour is a lot easier for me, I feel, because of doing that, because I can go into flow mode.

Yeah, got it. Sorry, Sean, was that painful for you?

It seemed like it went on longer. I know. I got it. You got to keep your price with your process.

Bill, do you find yourself doing the podcast and you say something or something happens, a joke comes out of it, and then you integrate it into your special?

Is that what I'm saying? I never used to do that, but lately, I have been because the rule is basically, if I do it on the podcast, I'm not doing it on the show. But if I feel like it's like I just waded into the water and it's going to go a lot deeper than that. I had a dad moment with my two kids. It just worked out perfectly. How do I do this? Because I don't want to do the bit, but it was basically my son wasn't listening to my daughter, and then she was mad at him, and she wanted to get him back, and I gave her the green light to do it. Then she did it like a woman. It was diabolical. It was fucking amazing. I was just It's like, holy shit. Wow, that is a female brain in there because I never would have thought... Guys like, I got a punch in the face. They pitch story and they fucking come up with something, and they just put Maximum.

How old are your kids?

Pain and suffering. Seven and four.

Soon to be eight. How fun.

Oh, yeah. My son's hilarious. His new thing is when he gets mad at me, he goes, That's it, dad. He goes, You're going to jail. I'm calling of Kojak because he has an old dad and we watch Kojak, and he loves Kojak. One of my favorite... I don't know if you guys had this with kids when you realized how much you're going to be friends with them for your whole life. I was sitting on the couch and my son was three, and we're watching Kojak. It's an old-school cop show. Basically, anybody who isn't white is running down an alley with a knife. You know what I mean? It's like this 20-year-old Puerto Rican actor in the prime of his life, and he's sprinting down this alley, and he's He's getting chased by the character Stavos, who's Teli Sebalis' real brother. He has a full head of curly hair and he's fat. He looks like a fucking weeble. He's chasing this shredded Latino kid. They show the Latino kid, flies down the fucking alley like an Olympian, and and Stavos and his loavers is running by. My son is just watching Stavos running. Then he just goes, three years old, he just goes, and I looked at him and I started laughing.

We both just started cracking up and I was like, Oh, my God, that's it. We're going to smoke cigars. I'm in with this, dude.

That is great.

I love that.

Well, Billy, it's so nice to meet you. We've taken way too much of your time. I know you got to go. You got a gig tonight, blah, blah, blah.

Listen, don't put your schedule on me. I was ready to I can put my delay up. It's too late.

I always do. But I didn't get to talk about this.

Listen, Bill, I know you got a personal chef who just made you a fucking egg salad sandwich, no bread. Exactly. You can smell it from here. Hey, before I go, Sean, when you did that Jerry Louis. That was one of my favorite things. Oh, thanks, man. I thought you nailed that. And obviously, Ozark was one of my favorite shows. And Will, I got nothing.

I got nothing. I knew it.

I knew it. No, I'll tell you what, Being a Dead, Lego Batman. Bingo. It's fucking amazing. Barbara. It's fucking amazing.

Thank you.

Thank you, Bill. It's fucking amazing.

Well, Bill, you're the king.

It makes the adults laugh. It makes the kids laugh. No, you guys are going to take your fucking compliments.

Well, thank you for doing this. It's very nice of you. Thank you, Bill.

Thank you guys for having me. We love you, Bill.

Despite everything, we love you. All right.

I'll see you down at the show biz commissary at some point, all right? Yeah, exactly. All right, guys.

Nice to meet you, Bill.

All right. Nice to meet you guys, too. See you, bye. All right. Good to see you, Bill. Nice to meet you. Sean, I met you before. We've had our moments. All right. Okay. Bye-bye.

We had our moments. Goodbye.

Super fine.

Bill Burr. Super fun. Bill Bur. Super fun.

Super Now, we've been trying to boat that fish for a while. I think he's been on all of our lists. I'll bet you.

Yeah, he has. Then he was going to be on. I knew he was going to be on at one point because I think I... I forget how I knew that. I wanted to have him on, and I've known him for a long time, and I really do love the guy, even though it seems like we're enemies.

He's hilarious. I want to act with him.

Yeah, he's really good.

He's fun on set.

Oh, I want to act with somebody.

I want to be in him. What was that, Whitney? Is that Whitney Houston?

That is Whitney He used to, yeah. Jay, you never answered the question. I wanted to know what that was because last night I was thinking about it. Isn't it a weird thing to call action for the very first time in your life because you've only heard it?

I actually do remember that moment. Yeah, try it as a young punk at 18, talking to a bunch of adults. Oh, really? Talking to a bunch of adults. Yeah, interesting. That was terrifying. In action. Yeah, I was so... I just felt like such a fraud.

Still do. No. Brilliant. He was great. I love him. I've been a fan for a long time.

I did see... No, I realized why he lashed out to me. I did see him Albert Hall, and he was fucking great. He was awesome. He absolutely destroyed. He shot a special from there, and he destroyed. But he can't. I want to see him. He has a tough time taking a compliment. He's got a lot of issues that are great.

Yeah, It seems like a good dude.

He's a funny, funny, funny dude. Again, he falls in that category of just like, he has no choice. He's naturally funny. Yeah, for sure. He's just funny.

What are you guys going to do the rest of the day?

I've got a sign language lesson today.

Oh, for- Because I've got...

Yeah, this job I've got coming up, I got to do a little bit of sign language, so I have to learn how to speak with my hands.

Wait, that was Black Rabbit, too, with that guy, that character.

Yeah, but my character didn't have to do it. But in this thing coming up, I got to do a couple of scenes in sign language. Do you know what this means? I need... That's a fuck you. Now, Will, apparently, I only need 15 hours based on what little I have to do.

Do the bare minimum.

Does that include the portal.

Exactly. But I'm so curious because it's obviously it's not word for word or verbatim. I'm so curious to learn just this first hour of what it... Because it's paraphrasing in general words, I guess. I'll report back.

What is this in sign language?

Oh, that's bye.

Bye.

That's one of my favorites. That's nice, Shani. Smart.

Smart.

Smart.

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