Transcript of Melissa Ann Shepard: The Internet Black Widow

Hey, weirdos, on top of your head. On top of your head.

I am Hane.

And this is Morbid on top of your head. We were just watching, if you're not following Marty Miller on TikTok, you made a great mistake.

Truly. I don't know how to describe his content.

It's indescribable in the best way.

But I urge you to go listen to it.

I have been sending you those TikToks for years at this point. He will just be like, shout out to you, girl, on top of your head. This is looking awesome today.

He's phenomenal.

We were just watching the one that he did, Lena found it, after the America's Next Top Model doc, which we just watched, and you know it's going to be a bonus app.

Oh, guys.

I have so much to say, and I won't say it here and now.

Because we're getting ready to film the bonus episode or to record the bonus episode. I'm sorry. I said film. I shouldn't have said that.

We're not filming it.

We're not filming that one. Maybe in the future we'll film some.

Maybe we should and we should smize through it.

Oh, my God. Just smize the entire time. I don't think I can smize.

Try. She actually just smiled forcefully at me. I did. I said, that's not it. No, that's not it. On top of your head.

On top of your head.

He always says on top of your head.

No, it was a trip. Yeah. In my My Opinion, I think the only people that came out good in that documentary were the- The participants.

Yeah.

Personally. Yeah. So I can't wait to talk about it.

I have so much to say. We can't even get too far into it, but go follow Marty Miller on TikTok and watch that TikTok on top of your head.

And listen to what he says about it.

Hot ice cream. I say, Darn. I love him so much. Anything else you want to talk about Big Red?

Big Red. Big Red on top of your head. You You should buy the Butcher Legacy. You should pre order it. Duh. Yeah. Butcherlegacy. Com. You can get it anywhere. I sign 2000 more copies for Barnes & Nobles, so go get those.

What a casual fucking feat to address.

2000 more, babes. You have a wrist still? I have them in front of me. That's another thing. Your wrists? I do. I have my wrists in front of me. I have a stack of tippins in front of me that I'm signing as we do this. Some people have asked, are they actually signed? Yes. I swear to you they're actually signed.

I should just, every now and again, when you're doing it, just take videos of you and then we can compel. Yeah.

These aren't one of those things where they get mass-produced with a signature on it. I have six giant box of Tippins. Yeah. So they're really signed, just so you know. I've had a couple of those questions, and I just wanted to clear that up.

I just wanted to clear the iron.

I just wanted to clear that up.

Cleared up.

But go get it. Go pre-order it. It's great.

I am going to start listening listening to because... Let me clear something up. I've read all the books except the third one. I haven't read that one yet. But I want to redo them, and I'm going to listen to the audiobook because it's been highly suggested for Butcher and the Ren and The Butcher Game. They're pretty great. Because I heard Joe and Sophie are not getting out of the park.

Joe and Sophie are not getting out of the park.

So I'm going to listen.

Yeah, I highly suggest.

Is Mikey whistling? Because I'll kill him for that. Yes. One thing about me. Do you ever, do you get rage about things that don't make sense?

Yes. You do. I was going to say, have you met me?

I hate. I've probably addressed it before. I hate whistling.

I whistle all the time, so I can't.

I feel like I've never even heard you whistle. I do it all the time. Do you know that I hate it so you don't do it in front of me?

Maybe deep in my soul. I know that. That's nice.

Drew whistle's and I literally I'm like, Stop it.

That's so funny. Whistling does not have any effect on me.

I just hate it.

That's a thing.

It's a thing. I had a boss that used to whistle for me. So not in In a hot way. In a like, I need you to come do this way.

Is there a hot way to whistle at you?

No. Well, I was saying like, like how people would be like, he wasn't sexually harassing me, just to be clear. But it was more like, Come do this. And I was like, You were like, Fuck you, bitch. I don't want to work.

Oh, you were better at it. You didn't say, Fuck you, bitch. No.

No. No. No. All right.

Yeah, I don't think this. I'm trying to think. Oh, what? This is just another personal thing. What's up? I'm very late to the party on this, but I have to say it. I finally got to sit down and watch Sinners. Me and John have been wanting to watch it for fucking months and months and months. You're welcome. And the girls had a Sleepover with Auntie Titi. And so we were like, oh, my God, we can watch a two-hour movie. And so we watched it. I cannot stress it enough. If you have not seen Sinners or you didn't think you wanted it, you want to see it.

I knew that I wanted to see it, and I just kept not seeing it, and I still haven't seen it.

It is one of the most incredible movies I have ever seen. I am still thinking about it.

Is it super scary?

It's scary. Is it gory? It's gory, but I don't care about those things, but I have to know what I can watch with Drew and what I can. Yeah, it's scary in the best... Because they handle vampires in one of those ways. I didn't know it was vampire. Yeah, there's vampire involved. There's the The music in it is fucking phenomenal. Is it like jazz? Oh, it's a mix of all different... There's one scene in particular, and I'm sure you guys know what scene I'm talking about, where they just meld all these different music genres and music time periods altogether. We were like, Jaws on the floor. Really? It's one of those movies that when it's over, you're just like, How is I allowed to watch that? Really? That was so good. I'm like, What the fuck? I want them to win all the Oscars. Damn. I think they should win all the Oscars. Michael B. Jordan was fucking amazing. Really? Wun Mi Musaku, I believe that's how you say her name. She plays Annie in the in the movie. I was literally obsessed with her. Really?

I just keep saying, really? Really? I'm like, for real?

Are you sure about that? And who is the guy who plays Remick? He plays one of the vampires, and he literally killed it. Jack O'Connel They all... I mean, Buddy Guy is in it. Jamie Lawson was amazing. Delroy Lindo. It's just like, it's like Jack. It's like, chocker block full of these fucking phenomenal actors and musicians. And I'm just, I can't. Now I get it. I get that. You get the hype. Because whenever there's that much hype, you're always like, Can it be that good? You should pick it. I think it's underhyped.

Really? Why can't I stop saying, Really? I need to pick a different word. Really? Really? Really?

You should pick it for Scream. I think I'm going to because I need to watch it.

Because it's very current.

Yeah. And it's just everybody needs to watch it.

If you're not listening to Scream, go listen to Scream. Perhaps she'll have that be her next week.

Maybe I'll pick that because Frankenstein and Sinners are right at the top.

Top notch. Wow. Okay. So you're comparing it to Frankenstein in terms of liking it? Yeah.

Two very different movies. So I can't compare them, but they're right there.

They're your tops right now. So good. Yeah. I got to watch that.

Yeah. I'm highly, highly, highly recommend. Obsessed.

Yeah. I'll watch. Oh, also, we discovered just really quickly that I can't ever see Chicago.

Yeah, no.

Can't ever see Chicago. I think last episode I was like, oh my God, I'm going to New York this weekend. I'm going to have so much fun. I can't wait to see Chicago. Nope, didn't get to see it. No.

Something is cursed about Chicago with Ash and Drew, and they can never see it. So don't ever invite them to it.

Don't ever invite us. We were supposed to have seen Chicago three times now. This is the third time we were supposed to have seen it. And feline acne struck again, and we couldn't leave Franklin with his acne because it can get... Feline acne is nuts. It can get infected so easily.

I believe it. It just sounds so funny. We can't leave Franklin with his acne.

It's ridiculous. It's a ridiculous way to live. Here we are. Here we are. He's good. Don't worry. We took him to the vet. He's killing it. But we had to stay home, and I was Honestly, so bummed. I wasn't mad at Franklin, but I was so excited for New York. Yeah. Because I feel like a part-time New Yorker lately.

I know he's been there a lot lately.

We've gone like every month and I broke the streak. You did. How dare you? That's really sad. But you know what? I lived. Franklin lived. I lived.

I laughed.

I loved. Yeah, I did. On top of my head.

On top of my head.

So I have a case for you.

That's great because that is why we're here.

That is, in fact, why we're here. I did do my job, which is nice. I love that. Nobody had to whistle at me about it.

I love that because I was going to.

You were going to do it. Don't. I hate whistling. Were you just whistling out there? No. Maybe it was John. Was it John whistling? Maybe. Damn. Yeah. It was a Johnty whistle. I thought it was like, it had Theater Kid energy.

I've done that.

I love that. All right. So we are going to be talking today about Melissa Ann Sheppard, who is known as the Internet Black Widow. Whoa. Yeah. Okay. This is a interesting case. It's a really sad case because a lot of people were taken advantage of in the later years of their life, which is the worst time, I think, to be. Well, it's always a bad time to be taken advantage of.

But there's something inherently sad when an elderly person or someone in the later years of their life gets taken advantage of. Yeah. Because at that point, you're just supposed to be living.

You're supposed to be enjoying the fruits of your labor. Yeah. And just chilling. And not having an Internet black widow take advantage of you.

You don't need that.

So let's get into it. Let's do it. In the fall of 2012, so pretty recently, Actually,. Doesn't that feel like it was last week?

That's still very recent to me.

It is. In the fall of 2012, Fred Weeks was still mourning the loss of his wife of 54 years. But he decided it was time to move forward in his life. He wanted to start dating again at least thinking about it. And it was then that he met Melissa Ann Russell. Okay. She was a 78-year-old woman who moved in four doors down from him in a retirement community. And this was in New Glasgow, Nova Scotia. A few days later, Melissa knocked, knocked, knocked on Fred's door. And he told reporters, She just wanted to know if I was lonesome the same she was. He was, in fact, lonesome. And they hit it off and started a whirlwind romance.

It sounds like such a me cute.

It would be. So a few weeks into Fred Melissa's relationship, Fred called his longtime friend George to be like, Yo, I have fallen in love.

That's verbatim what he said.

It's a quote. He said he and Millie wanted to get married as soon as possible because this whirlwind romance was whirlwinding. That's cute. It is cute. George, the friend, later told CBS News, they were bubbly. Kind of bubbly? Kind of bubbly. Now, listen, George was a justice of the peace. So Fred was like, Will you perform the ceremony? And George said, Hell, yeah, brother. Hell, yeah. He recalled, I congratulated them both, and Fred thanked me profusely for the ceremony. They were happy at the time, or at least Fred was, and Millie appeared to be.

Oh, man.

So after the ceremony, they immediately left for their honeymoon, and George was like, Have the best time. So happy to have done this favor for you. I love love.

Hell, yeah.

But the next day, George got a call from somebody who had a pretty alarming news. George told reporters years later, I got a call from a lady who asked me if I who Millie was. And I said, Yeah, I do. She's Millie Ann Russell. Obviously. Then she asked me if I'd ever seen a program on the Fifth Estate called Black Widow. Now, The Fifth Estate is like an investigative news show over in Canada. And George was like, no, I haven't seen that, but I guess I should go check it out. Oh, boy. So he didn't know it at the time, but he had just sent his friend off on a honeymoon with a notorious felon and convicted killer.

That's not what you want to find out the day after. That you- Performing a ceremony.

That's the thing. The day after you performed this ceremony and said, do you take you by the power vested in me, live your best damn life.

Yeah, that's not great.

Shout me out doing one soon. Just kidding. So after familiarizing himself with the Fifth Estate episode, George learned that Millie was in fact Melissa Ann Sheppard, who was a notorious Black widow. She was also known to have killed at least one of her husbands in addition to committing other crimes. So George tried to call up Fred and warn him, but they had already left for the boat for Newfoundland. So he called the police instead and insisted that they needed to warn his friend somehow. He said, I wanted Fred to know the situation he might be in. He could be in danger. But unfortunately, and I'm sure you're all thinking this, the police explained since Melissa hadn't done anything or committed any crimes against Fred, and she had already served her time for previous charges, they couldn't get involved. There was nothing they could do. They can't just be like, Knock, knock, warning, you married a felon. So four days later, Fred and Melissa were on a boat headed on their honeymoon, and Fred started to feel dizzy.

Oh, no. Yeah.

He was still unwell when they reached their hotel and went to lay down, but he woke up a few hours later, and he was still dizzy. And soon after, he collapsed and had to be rushed to the nearest hospital on their honeymoon. Poor Fred. So the nurses ran blood tests, and the results showed that Fred had a large amount of the tranquilizers lirazepam and tamazepam in his system, despite having no memory of taking either of those drugs. When medical staff asked Melissa about Fred's medical history, she said that he had prostate problems, bowel surgery, and that he was suffering from Dementia and chronic obstructive pulmonary disorder.

Clpd?

Yeah. But I didn't even know that. Check you out. But when those same providers tried to confirm this with Fred, he was like, I don't have any of those things. Oh, no. But also they're just being told that he has dementia. So they're like, does he not know that he has these things?

Or does he not have these things?

What?

What the fuck?

Two days later, Nova Scotia police arrested Melissa and charged her with attempted murder and administering a noxious thing. Holy shit. Meanwhile, Fred was just sent home to recover.

And also, was that administering a noxious thing?

Yeah.

Why does that sound so funny?

It does, doesn't it?

I'm charging you with administering a noxious thing.

Whenever I look at the word noxious I say it, I always feel like I'm saying it wrong.

No, you just sounded so funny. Like a noxious thing.

Yeah, the noxious thing.

I don't know why that was so funny.

Don't do that. Now, so he's just sent home to recover from all of that. But also he's still married to this woman. Yeah. And is like, what the fuck just happened?

Who might have just tried to, to do something. To kill him. Yeah.

Like, allegedly.

Yeah, allegedly.

So while in custody, Melissa admitted to investigators that she had, quote, dissolved both medications and coffee and then given to Fred over a period of time in the days leading up to his hospitalization. What the fuck? So this this wasn't just a one-time thing. She was doing this for days on end. And she's just like, yeah. Yeah, I did that. I did do that. Yeah. She said that she had done so without his knowledge. Wow. She admitted that.

She admitted that. She did. She did that thing.

She did that. So through their interviews with friends and people who had had contact with the couple in the previous two months, investigators started to recognize a pattern. Fred did actually seem to be experiencing periodic dizziness and brain fog, even before they got married. But when he would go to a hospital for treatment and was away from Melissa, he'd instantly get better.

Wow.

On the day of their wedding, Fred actually almost drove his car off the road when he just inexplicably became confused and disoriented. The day of their wedding, he was potentially drugged. Holy shit. He later said, I almost went over the bank because my foot wasn't doing what my brain should telling it to stay on the road.

Oh, that must have been so scary. Yeah.

Now, for investigators, obviously, the pieces all started to come together when they searched Melissa and Fred's hotel room and discovered on a notepad the words, Lawyer, Power of attorney, and Will written down. What?

Yeah.

Could you be any more obvious? You've note to self, power.

You're just writing- Of attorney. Post-it notes about what's going on?

Apparently. Damn. She admitted to drugging Fred, but Melissa stopped Well short of confessing to attempted murder. The prosecutor didn't really have any evidence that that was her intention, per se.

What else would be?

I know, but it's a... I know. It's legally. You need a lot to take it to court.

I know. I know. Legally, it's like...

As a result, the Crown agreed to withdraw the charge of attempted murder. They amended the second charge to, like we said, administering a noxious thing with intent to aggrieve or annoy a person. I like that. Doesn't that get even better? To aggrieve or annoy a person.

That annoyed me.

I like that. That's a charge.

That's like an actual thing. It's like you annoyed someone. Yeah. Noxious thing. Your intent was to annoy someone.

It's rude. It's rude. So that was going to be the charge, and that would be in exchange for a guilty plea and a three and a half year sentence. Wow. So obviously, Melissa accepted that deal. Obviously. Now, remarkably, when he was asked how he felt about the arrest in the plea deal, Fred appeared to actually have no ill will towards his now ex-wife. Eventually, they did divorce. Guys. In the days leading up to the sentencing, he told a reporter, People on her hung up from a tree and cut to pieces. I'm just very glad to have it all over with and have it come to an end. I'm not worried about what she gets. Whatever she gets is what the judge will give her, and that's what she deserves.

Fred is the chillest.

Fred is big chilling.

Fred chills to the max.

Poor Fred loses his wife Yeah. Finally gets back out there. And this is the first woman he encounters. This is the first woman. I'd be like, I will never get back out there.

I'm hanging up my suspenders at that point. We're not, we're not going out on the town anymore. No, I know.

I would say we're going to go ahead and watch a lot of television. We're getting a hobby. I was just going to say we're going to pick a hobby. Perhaps we'll crochet.

Yeah. Maybe model trains.

Maybe sourdough. Yeah. Sourdough. Sourdough, if you will. Perhaps.

But yeah.

So under normal circumstances, an elderly woman attempting to poison her husband would have garnered a pretty small amount of attention from the press. Unfortunately, those things don't really get a lot of heat on them. It would have fated away. A larger story would have come along. Ladi Dhabu. But in this case, it didn't take long for the press to learn that this wasn't the first time Melissa had been suspected or convicted of attempted murder. She actually had a criminal history in two countries that went back decades. Holy shit. Including a lot of crimes that were very similar to this one that she had just perpetrated, only with a much worse outcome.

Oh, no. So She reached a lot of notoriety through this whole Internet Black Widow thing, but weirdly, there's not a lot known about her early life.

What we do know is that she was born in burnt Church, New Brunswick, on May 16th, 1935, and she moved to Prince Edward Island when She reached adulthood, and that's where she met her first husband, Russell Sheppard. Nobody really knows the quality of that relationship, but after 25 years, Russell Sheppard walked out on her and that left her with nothing. Whoa. So obviously, even if it was good at one point, it got real bad.

Something went to rise.

Something happened. Now, among the residents of Prince Edward Island who remembered her from those days, few, if any, had nice things to say about Melissa. The general consensus on the island was as far back as anybody could remember, Melissa thought that she was better than most everybody on the island and thought that she was entitled to more. And she hadn't really earned any of that.

Oh, that's the problem there. Is when you think it needs to be just handed to you.

Exactly. Now, whether out of desperation or some other reason, after her divorce, she turned to crime as a primary source of income. And between 1977 and 1991, she racked up more than 30 convictions for fraud and other financial crimes under four different aliases. Holy shit. Yeah. There was Melissa. It was busy. Truly. Also, I don't know when people have this many aliases, how they keep track.

That's the thing. The fraud of it all always gets me because I'm like, that's so much work. It's a lot of work. So much admin, so much keeping up with shit. You could just get a job. You could. And it would probably be less work than the fraud.

Because then you could just bring your stuff to TurboTax and file. Yeah.

Legally. The fraud is just too much work.

Actually, the first thing we said when we hired accountants was we don't want to go to federal prison.

Yeah. They said, What are your goals here? And we said not to go to federal prison. Not to commit fraud.

That's literally it.

I just would like to not commit fraud.

I would like to pay what I'm supposed to pay, fraud nobody, and live a life out of federal prison. Just please do that. And not have an alias. Yeah.

And I think they appreciated the honesty.

They said, lal.

They said, We'll do that.

Sounds good. They said, great. They said, We'll file your taxes. Melissa didn't talk to any of these people, though.

She did not have those desires.

Instead, she came up with all her different aliases. There was Melissa Anne Weeks, Melissa Anne Friedrich, I think, Melissa Anne Sheppard, and Melissa Anne Stuart.

Oh, okay. So she's always Melissa Anne. Yeah.

She loves first name, middle name. Last name is where it gets hairy. Yeah. She ended up serving a five-year sentence in a Toronto prison for some of those scams. But in 1991, she saw an opportunity for a new scam when she met a man named Gordon Stuart. He was a Prince Edward Island native who circumstances would eventually sound very familiar in the context of Melissa's life. Gordon Stewart, like I said, there's a lot of sadness to this. Gordon. Gordon, I know. He lost his wife in 1989, and since then, he had obviously been struggling with grief. His sister, Kate Reeve, said, I thought it would be so wonderful if he found someone. The sooner the better. So when he met Melissa a few years later, they couldn't have been happier, his family. They were like, awesome. Like, he's been so lonely and he's been in the thick of it. This could take him out of it. Yeah, he can move forward. Unfortunately, though, it didn't take long before Gordon's family started to question Melissa's intentions with their brother or their loved one. They got more and more concerned when they started to hear rumors around town about Melissa.

His sister, Kate, again, she said, We had heard that she had been in a lot of trouble with the law, and a member of the police force told my husband, Tell Gordie to get away from her. She's trouble.

Okay, so you got to listen to that. Yeah.

The Reeves and Stuart families were right to be concerned. Although she was technically still married to Sheppard in Canada, after just a few weeks of dating, Melissa and Gordon eloped to Las Vegas, and soon after, Gordon's life took a turn for the worst.

Oh, no.

For reasons that are still pretty unclear, though almost certainly related to this relationship with Melissa, Gordon Gordon started gambling and drinking heavily, which quickly led to obviously financial problems.

That doesn't sound like that was his thing.

It was not his typical character. Not at all. On at least one occasion, when he needed medical treatment following weeks and weeks of this behavior, Doctors found drugs in his system that he couldn't explain, Gordon. Oh, shit. He didn't know why these drugs were in his system, which sounds familiar.

It sure does.

So in mid- 1991, the couple moved to Halifax, and Gordon hoped that the change of environment maybe would get things back on track again. But things only got worse from there. His drinking got worse. And while he never seemed like what we were just saying to have money problems before, he was hemorrhaging money at this point at a rate that didn't seem to make sense at all. And the only explanation for all of it was Melissa.

Melissa, what are you doing?

Well, in a letter written shortly before his death, he detailed his life with Melissa, how she drained their bank account, lied and cheated. He said, I took her back. I still loved her and kept hoping things would change. But unfortunately, just a few months after moving to Halifax, tragedy struck. So one night, while Gordon and Melissa were out in a very rural area, he was struck and killed by his own car while Melissa was behind the wheel.

No.

There are different and very conflicting reports about this, so I'm just going to tell you what we have here. Melissa reported the death to the police claiming that, and this is just what she claims, that Gordon had attacked her and raped her. So she said she ran him over with the car in order to flee the scene and that it was self-defense. The problem, though, and this is the investigator's problem, as soon as they started looking into the case, nothing Melissa said about the scene made a lot of sense. For one thing, when an autopsy was performed on Gordon, Tess showed a lethal dose of various drugs in his system at the time of death, which meant that not only would he have been too sedated to pose a threat to anyone, he almost certainly wouldn't have been able to drive a car either.

Huh.

According to Jerry Swane, the RCMP Detective assigned to the case, it aroused suspicion to hear that story. It just didn't seem to fit the scenario of the situation. If you accidentally ran over your husband, why would you not remain and explain the circumstances to whomever.

Yeah.

The more that Jerry Swane investigated, the less he believed Melissa's story. Gordon Stewart didn't have any history of violence. He didn't have any criminal history, and there was no evidence to support her claim that she had been raped. Her claim that she had hit him with the car in order to escape was also pretty suspicious. In Melissa's version of events, after Gordon assaulted her, he got out of the car and walked around the back of the vehicle to use the bathroom. And that's when she jumped in the driver's seat and put the car in reverse, hitting and killing her husband before fleeing, which you didn't need to put the car in reverse.

Yeah, I was going to say, what was the reverse about?

All she would have done to escape the scene was put the car in drive and go forward, meaning the only way that she could have hit and killed him was if she had done so intentionally and unnecessarily. That's investigator's opinion on this case.

Yeah, that is not our opinion. No.

It didn't take long for Swane to determine that Melissa had fabricated her story in his belief, and she was arrested and charged with manslaughter. He said, As a result of the full investigation, we determined that the motive was monetary. Gordon Stewart had a regular pension from the Department of Defense, and as his wife, she was entitled to his benefits. Oh, boy. So Melissa ended up going on trial for the death of her husband or for the murder of her husband in 1992, and she ultimately was found guilty of manslaughter, but sentenced to two years in prison.

What are we doing?

Two years in prison. What are we doing here? Hello?

Two years for manslaughter? Yup.

The fuck? So upon her release from prison in 1994, which was literally just like a blip in time. Yeah. She found a new scheme pretty quickly and a viable means of making some money. While she was serving her sentence for manslaughter, she had come into contact with several women's rights and domestic violence activists who saw her as a perfect example of a woman who had been punished for what they argued was nothing more than protecting herself from an abusive husband. So throughout the late '80s and early '90s in North America, there was this concept, which we've obviously heard of the battered Wife Syndrome. It was also called battered Woman syndrome. It had been gaining a lot of traction in medical professionals, legal professionals, and they were using it as a way to explain a range of behaviors and symptoms pretty similar to those of post-traumatic stress disorder, especially in women who had been victims of violence. So in some cases, battered women syndrome had also been used as a defense in court cases, where a wife or an intimate partner was accused of murdering or physically harming their supposed abuser, or their alleged abuser. Having been convicted of killing a man that she claimed had been abusive and violently sexually assaulting her, she seemed an ideal spokesperson for the movement at this point in time, and she quickly became a popular speaker on the lecture circuit.

Wow. In 1994, she actually appeared in a documentary about domestic violence, and she described the night of the murder. This is her words. She said, He had a knife in his hand. He told me he was going to kill me, but first he was going to take me somewhere. Later on, early that evening, we went into this road. It was like a logging road in the woods. This is triggering, trigger warning for sexual assault. She said, He raped me at knife point, and he got out of the car and walked around behind the car, he had to urinate. So I saw that as my chance to get away.

Wow.

So the description that she gave in the documentary was pretty much the same one that she gave to police on the night of the murder.

Yeah, it sounds harrowing as an actual Sorry.

It does, but it doesn't account for any of the inconsistencies that resulted in her conviction. But the producers didn't really raise any questions. So it got out there.

Yeah.

But after a few years on the lecture circuit, she moved to Florida in 2000, and she found a place to live in a Christian retreat. Among the community leaders was Robert Friedrich. He was an 81-year-old retired electrical engineer who had lost his wife of 53 years, Mary, earlier that same year. His son Dennis told a reporter in 2005, Dad was the proud, stoic German type, and he was referring to his father's tendency to keep his feelings to himself. He said, We didn't know how lost he really was, which is just heartbreaking. So to fill his time and occupy his mind, Robert threw himself into volunteering with the church, which is where he met Melissa Ann Sheppard.

Oh, no.

In 2012, Melissa told reporters, The Holy spirit told me this man would be my next husband. He told me exactly who the person was. I could see him because he was up on the platform with the pastor. I began speaking in tongues, and I felt the presence of the Holy spirit.

Okay.

Quotes. Yikes. So after struggling with the loss of his wife to cancer, by the way, she passed of cancer, Robert was very excited to have met somebody new. And within a few days of meeting, Melissa and Robert were engaged to be married.

Wow.

I think the older you get, you don't have as much time.

I was going to say you're not going to have a long engagement.

You're prone to adventure.

Yeah. You're not going to have a ton of courting time.

Right. Exactly. If it feels right, maybe it's right.

It feels right. We're in our 80s.

In this case, it was not right. Yeah. When Robert told his children about his plans to marry Melissa so soon after having met her, obviously, they were pretty stunned and nervous about this. Dennis told his father, At best, she's a kook. At worst, she's a gold digger. But Robert just chuckled and he said, I like to keep my options open. Which I was like, You're an icon. Wow. So obviously they were apprehensive about their father's new girlfriend. But Dennis himself tried to be respectful. He remembered, he felt, speaking about his dad, that he was going to be taken care of. He had a bride. He wasn't going to be alone anymore. And also you have to think, this is a generation who has always been with somebody romantically, usually.

54 years or something like that.

You're so used to connection.

For 54 years, 24/7, you're around them.

So then to be all by yourself, that's a lot to swallow. So a month later, in June of 2000, Robert and Melissa were married and immediately set off on their cross country honeymoon, which ended with a luxury cruise to the Caribbean all at Robert's expense. Once they returned, Melissa moved into to Robert's home in Brandon, 10, Florida. And not long after, Robert's children started noticing troubles and changes to their father's health.

Oh, man. Yeah. This isn't a coincidence.

No, it's not. Robert was 81 years old, like I said, when he married Melissa. His health had already begun to decline at that point. It was natural for somebody his age. But after the wedding, there were new health problems that Dennis and his siblings just hadn't seen before. Now, and this will sound interesting to you, Robert was experiencing periods of dizziness without any apparent explanation for why he would be dizzy, and he started falling. So obviously the new symptoms were concerning in and of themselves, but equally concerning was another pattern that the kids started to notice, his children. Whenever Robert was home, he seemed to be in poor health. But as soon as he went to the hospital for treatment, he would get better. Which is to be expected, obviously. You do get better when you get treatment, but it was a marked difference.

Yeah. It's like kids with the croupe.

Yes.

They sound like they're dying. Then you get them outside in the cold air and get them into the ER. You're like, I swear they were sounding horrific. Right.

Which that at least could be accounted for. That makes sense. Yeah.

This didn't really make that It makes sense. No.

Dennis and his wife noticed something similar whenever Robert would come to visit them at their home in Boston. This wasn't just like, Oh, you're getting medical treatment and you're responding. It was like, Whenever you're not home, you're thriving. But at home, you're not at all. Dennis said, If he came up here and visited, he'd be fine. But if we talked to him on the telephone, he'd sound dopey. So we became suspicious.

Oh, my God. Can you imagine being his kids? No. Having to- I can't imagine suspecting what they're suspecting right now.

Especially Actually, you have to think, too, they're grieving their mother. Yeah. And now having to face this woman.

And their parents obviously had a long, happy marriage. Yeah. They're all grieving. And then all of a sudden he's met someone, and now all of a sudden he's sick whenever he around her. Yeah.

Scary.

I would lose my mind. I can't imagine it. I would get fired up. Why I ought to.

Why I ought to, indeed. So obviously, they were worried that Melissa was abusing or taking advantage of their father. So Dennis filed a complaint with the Florida elder abuse commission. Good for him. Which was very smart.

Dennis is like, I got to say, Dennis from the beginning of the story is like the kid you want to have. Truly. Like, he really is. He really is. He was a little sus at first, but he said, you know what?

We tried to be respectful.

He was a little suss at first, but he said, you know what? We tried to be respectful. And I'm going to I'm going to be into this for him. But now he's taking action. Yeah.

He said, Listen, as soon as I see something weird, I'm calling it out.

I see something, I say something.

So the elder abuse commission opened an investigation and ultimately recommended that Robert receive round the clock in home care from a qualified provider. But Melissa outright refused to allow that.

Okay, that's a crimson flag. That's crimson. That's the reddest of flags.

The agency pushed back and they said, No, this would really be good for Robert. We really highly recommend him.

Do you want him around?

She threatened Melissa threatened allegedly to file a lawsuit against them. So they backed off and they closed the case.

Wow.

A few days later, Robert's son, Bob, received a vaguely, a Unquote vaguely, threatening message from Melissa. She said, Hello, Bob. This is Melissa calling. I have something to share with you this morning. Your father and I are going to see a lawyer. We've made an appointment, and your father is going to change his will. He's going to leave all the money to me And the portion he set aside for you and your two brothers, that portion is now going to the Christian retreat, and you are getting nothing, a big fat zero. So try that on for size and have a nice day. I would have lost my mind when I tell you she would catch these hands.

I don't care how old she is.

She would catch these mother It's very reminiscent of Beat Your Grandma's Ass. It's very represent. Honestly, Beat Your Grandma's Ass, If I were them.

That is the Internet, Black Widows Ass.

That is Try that on for size. Okay, Meredith Blake Wannebe. What the fuck is that? Hey, mommy dearest, the fuck? God damn. Meanwhile, you've known this woman for months and you're like, Where's my mom? I would.

Where's my mom?

What the... I'm shook. And what do you do?

I'm almost speechless here because the rage that would flow within me, I can't even tap into that rage right now.

Not only try that on for size, but a big fat zero. I'll tell you about a big fat...

How are you still a fucking mean girl in your goddamn golden years, in your twilight years? How are you Are you still a mean girl? How do you still have mean girl energy?

Mean girl energy perseveres, unfortunately.

If mean girl energy goes past high school, get it together.

It does. It does.

A lot of times. Oh, I know. Trust me. I encounter it almost daily.

I get it.

But it shouldn't. It's much more a reflection on that person.

Seventy-eight-year-old woman, mean girl energy is heinous. Yeah, that's rancid. But, I've encountered it. Oh, yeah. Not like this, though. No. I mean, this is pretty intense.

No, this is these poor kids.

Yeah, this poor family. And poor Robert, he obviously is not in his right mind making these decisions. He's being taken advantage of. Exactly. By that time, Melissa had convinced Robert to change his will and to make her the beneficiary of his nine insurance policies. What? Among other things. More importantly, the tension between Melissa and Robert's children caused a rift between him and his family, and now he was rarely speaking to them in these final moments elements of his life.

No.

Dennis' wife, his son Dennis' wife, Karen, said, It became evident that we did not like her, and she did not like us. So they all kept their distance. And unfortunately, in 2002, Robert died, having never really repaired the rift between himself and his kids.

Oh, that breaks my heart.

Not long after their father's death, it was confirmed that Robert had indeed left all of his money to Melissa and his church community. And they soon learned that their father's estate had actually become far smaller than they remembered it being in the year since his marriage, dropping from roughly $350,000 to just $100,000, which was left to Melissa. Wow. Where did all that money go? Melissa disputes this claim. She said Robert had made many loans to his children over the years, and that explains the smaller amount of the estate. But she has never offered any evidence to support that claim. I was going to say prove it. In their father's final days, Dennis and Bob communicated regularly with Robert It's doctors who were usually confused by the symptoms he was experiencing. Yeah, I bet. They thought it was possible that he had maybe developed some degenerative disease, but that wouldn't have accounted for a lot of his other symptoms. And given that he had been in reasonably good health, for somebody his age before meeting Melissa, Dennis and Bob were convinced that she was somehow responsible for their father's death. Yeah. But there wasn't really any evidence to back up that theory, so there was nothing authorities could do to help.

Wow. So they're just dealing with their grief and injustice at this point. Instead, Robert's children filed a civil lawsuit alleging that Melissa had exploited Robert financially, and that was settled out of court, with Melissa receiving 15 $1,000 and the remaining money going to the children, Dennis and Bob. Not long after, Melissa sold Robert's house and remaining valuables and just moved to Prince Edward Island. Wow. So they didn't even have a house to go back to.

They had nothing to chauffeur. No.

That's so sad. And nothing that belonged to their dad or anything like that, it sounds like.

That's just really sad.

It's horrible. This woman is, in my opinion, horrible.

And you know, like that's... I think something like that happened, like my dad, like his parents, that was similar, not with like, alleged drugging and all that. No, no, no. But like a wife happening later in life and changes the whole situation and they get left with not a lot and everything. And it's so sad.

It is sad because it also really affects the relationship that you thought you had with somebody. And you do still have that relationship. And obviously, you can hold those memories tight, but it makes you question certain things.

It taint the legacy of what you would like to leave behind, even as just a memory. And it's just really sad. It's awful. I just don't get being like that. I really don't. I don't either. One, so much work. And two, You're putting all that time and energy just into being mean.

And like, mucking up people's lives. And also what the fuck is that doing for you?

That's the thing. I'm like, if I'm even like, don't you feel like fucking hot garbage inside? Because if I have to get mean with someone, I feel like hot garbage inside. It doesn't do anything good for my soul. No, not only- Unless they fucking deserve it and then I feel great.

Then it sends her through the roof and I'm clapping for her. But not even having to be mean to somebody, even if I'm like, oh, fuck, was I friendly enough? I'm literally the person where I'm like, did I say thank you?

Was I polite enough?

You know what I mean? That trashes my soul.

It just it really does. It trashes your soul to be yucky, shitty. Yeah. And it's like, I can't imagine living that way. Don't be a bitch. I really can't.

Don't be a bitch. No, just be a hot bitch. Yeah. Don't be a bitch. Be a bad bitch.

Don't be like a bitch.

Be a bad bitch. Be a bad bitch.

Exactly. Thank you.

Our advice to you. That's our Ted Talk.

Unfortunately, Melissa is still at it.

She arrived back in Prince Edward Island in 2004 and found herself in a difficult situation. Settling the civil suit brought against her by Robert's children meant that she lost the remaining estate, which she planned to live on. She needed to come up with a new plan to support herself. Also, in addition for that, the RCMP was investigating her for fraud, alleging that she'd been collecting spousal social security benefits under two different names. Oh. So she knew consequences were a coming down the pike. So now she had to come up with a plan fast, not only to get some money, but also to avoid prosecution. So she did what had always worked in her favor in the past. She started looking for a new man. Of course. Now, following his second divorce, 73-year-old Alex Stratego, so I hope I said that correctly, he decided that he was ready to try dating again, and he joined an online dating site, getting back out there. Unfortunately, he met Melissa on that site. He told a reporter later, though.

Oh, okay. I heard, 'Told a reporter later.

He told a reporter later. He said, I was just lonely, and I thought this was a good chance to find somebody and get together, start a different life. So they sent some messages back and forth before Melissa suggested that, maybe they meet up in person for a date. Knowing that the RCMP was closing in fast, she did need to get out of Canada pretty quickly. So she was like, Oh my God, I would love to drive down from Prince Edward Island to Florida and meet you IRL.

Oh my God.

She said, I'm just so crazy and coo-coo and we'll do shit on a whim.

Here I come. She said, B-R-B-A-F-K.

That reminds me of the girl. I should pull her up after this. But the girl that I showed you the other day who at the drive-through just goes, Here I come. Oh, yeah. I love her. That stresses me. I'll pull her up. I'll pull her up at the end. Here I come. So that's what Melissa said. She said, On my way.

On my way.

Now, the proposition seemed fucking crazy to Alex, but he liked that Melissa was, quote, full of life and prepared to do something crazy. He was like, oh, we got a spontaneous girl up in here. Oh, man. So she arrived in Florida and she said, oh, I'm here, but I don't have any money and I don't have a place to stay. So, this date could go on forever. I could just live with you. She did the Amy Poehler and Baby Mama when she says, oh, no, I don't have gas money. I don't have my wallet. Yeah, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, He's young. He's getting it. He's back on the horse. He's getting out here. He's like, maybe this is how things are now. Yeah, he doesn't know. It's been a while. He's like, I don't want to ruin this. So he's like, you can stay with me. Don't worry about it. Nice guy. Yeah. He said later, she was a real classy lady. I was lonely and she was a woman.

She was a real classy lady. He said, I was lonely. She was a woman. You know, we love it. He's got simple taste. You know, he's like, I don't need a whole lot more.

He said, lonely woman. Great. Classy. Let's go. Classy as well. So from that moment, she moved into his condo and their whirlwind relationship again.

Oh, boy.

Just as in her other relationship, she didn't waste any time getting to his money. And also, like her previous relationships, it didn't take long before Alex started to notice some new health problems. This is so crazy. You're never going to guess what he started feeling. Was it dizzy? It was dizzy. He started feeling dizzy throughout the day. He also felt weak and tired, and then he started falling over a lot.

Oh, no.

Now, at 73 years old, he wasn't in the best of health. He had diabetes and he had some other health issues. So he was like, Oh, fuck. Like, the consequences of aging. These must just be new symptoms. Yeah. But within a few weeks, the problem started to get more and more serious, and Alex actually ended up in the hospital. Just like in the other cases, doctors couldn't figure out what was going on with him, though. But like Robert Friedrich, Alex's symptoms couldn't be explained by any of his known ailments. These people obviously had things they were dealing with, like health They're elderly, yeah. They're elderly or older, but they're not aligning with the things that they do have. So medical professionals were like, What is this? It doesn't indicate any specific illness or disease, and it doesn't correlate with anything you're dealing with. So the doctors weren't the only ones baffled by Alex's new symptoms. His son, Dean, also thought it was pretty strange that his father was experiencing such profound new symptoms out of nowhere with no explanation. Yeah.

But Good kids watching out for their- I know. Their aged parents.

The real ones in this case are truly the kids. And here's the thing. Dean was willing to go a step further and just say, I suspect this is my dad's new girlfriend.

You know what? Good for Dean.

He called her out.

I got suspended physicians. Yeah. And at least can we check into them. Good for him.

He said, As soon as he got home, he would get real feeble and real sickly and was back in the hospital. It was something that was happening to him that wasn't natural. Less than two months. Think of that short period of time. Less than two months into his relationship with Melissa, his symptoms had become so severe that Melissa convinced him he needed to move into a long-term care facility.

What the fuck?

Meanwhile, this guy was dealing with some issues. He had diabetes that he He was managing. He was rock and rolling. But he was managing his symptoms. He meets Melissa, and now he has to sign up for a long-term care facility. And honestly, he's not that old by any means. No. So from the moment Alex arrived at the nursing home, the staff thought there was something very strange about his relationship with Melissa. They knew that he had been divorced twice, but Melissa kept introducing herself as Mr. Tegos. And at the same time, Dean was more or less convinced that his father's illness was somehow being caused by Melissa. So He started pressuring the medical staff to test his father for drugs.

Oh, damn.

Yeah, Dean is doing it.

Dean is doing it. He's like Dennis, he's getting it going.

. Dean and Dennis. Dean and Dennis. Alex said, I was basically sprawled out flat in bed when she got my power of attorney, but I can thank my son for saving my life because the rest home discovered drugs in my system, and he and his girlfriend called the police. Dean. Dean and Dean's Girlfriend.

Dean and his Girlfriend.

Hell, yeah. So police in Florida immediately arrested Melissa, and she was charged with multiple counts of endanger and assault, as well as three counts of grand theft from a person 65 years of age or older. Oh, and two counts of forgery.

I just feel bad, too. Like, poor Alex. Like, these poor guys who are thinking they're getting another shot. Yeah. At love and just companionship. And then they end up being so not cool. Yeah.

Like the woman they find? Yeah.

Like she's just not cool.

Also, in most of these She says they give her a place to stay. They're like, oh, my gosh, you're down on your luck. You're welcome to stay with me. Like you said, opening up their home. It's like, you just have to be really shitty if you're doing this to people.

If you are actively drugging people to try to do whatever you're trying to do to them, I mean, don't do that.

Definitely don't. That's drugging people.

Not good.

Yeah. Not bad, in fact. Don't recommend it.

Blanket.

No. That's fair. That's a fair statement. No.

Uh-uh. If you are drugging people, not cool. No. Stop. Cut it out. That's what I say. But I just really feel bad for them. Because this isn't the ultimate betrayal. Yeah, absolutely. And this is the ultimate, your whole world comes crashing down. Like him getting tested and first of all, being put in a nursing home when he probably didn't need to.

And he said, I was sprawled out. She got his power of attorney under the rest. I'm sprawled out.

And then the staff tells you, Hey, you have drugs in your system that you haven't been taking.

That you're not taking.

Somebody is drugging you. And then your son and their girlfriend is like, We have to call the police on your new girlfriend because she might have drugged you. Right.

What?

How do you find yourself there? At any age, that would send you into orbit. But never mind when you were in your Rock in twilight ears, you're supposed to be vibing. And this is not what's supposed to be happening to you.

You are supposed to be vibing. What?

Old people vibe, man.

2026. Let old people vibe. What was my old one? Call them out 2020. Was it call them out 2020? Yeah. What a year.

But you know what?

Let old people vibe.

Let old people vibe. Yeah. Let old people vibe.

No, only old people. Just old people. And only the good ones.

I was going to say. We're going to workshop this. Yeah, we got to workshop that because there's a lot of old people that should never vibe again for the rest of their lives.

Wait, let Old People Vibe 2026, and then we'll work on the footnote.

Yeah, then we'll make a footnote for that. Unless I need to show them these motherfucking hands, which you know who you are.

That's part of the footnote.

Yeah. Mikey just added the part of the footnote.

It's perfect.

We all workshopped that. That was a brain trust.

It was a live workshop. It was. We'll probably add more, in fact.

Thank you for coming to our live workshop.

Xoxo. The potluck. The morbid potlap. So let's get back to this. Once the Alex had left the system, Alex was able actually to assist in the investigation. Good for Alex. And that's when the pieces started to come together. He said, At night, when I'd go to bed, she'd bring me a little dish of ice cream, maybe a couple of teaspoons or something like that. And she'd bring it into the bedroom and she'd feed it to me. I guess that's where the drugs were. Then I'd go up to the bathroom and fall flat on my face. To fuck with ice cream? I was going to say to use ice cream? Diabolical.

And not only to use ice cream, but to use my evening snack against me?

Fucked. How dare you? How dare you? How very dare you?

I'm finding the rage now. Yeah, there it is. You fuck with my evening snack.

Oh, she's getting red. Big red You fuck with my evening snack. It's on-site. How dare you? On-site.

That's diabolical.

It is.

And not only that, she's feeding him, being like, open up. We can still be weirdly romantic, and I can feed you your ice cream. If that's your thing.

Let's go. But like, fuck. She was allegedly making it seem like she was a caretaker.

That's sad.

It is. It's fucked up. You don't mess with ice cream like that. Now, so he just has some ice cream and then fall flat his face, he says. And the two months. Remember, this all happened over two months. And those two months that they dated.

That sounded so much longer. I know. That took me a second to really grasp. Sixty days, babe. Sixty days?

Right. Yeah. Sixty days. Give or take.

Within 60 days, this man was being moved into a long term care facility?

And within 60 days, Melissa had managed to steal nearly $20,000 from him. Holy shit. That was my annual salary at one point in my life.

That's insane.

$20,000 in two months. Like, hello. Wow. So in March 2005, the prosecution offered Melissa a plea deal in which she would bleed guilty to the charges in exchange for a five year sentence. Wow. And she accepted. After learning of her guilty plea, Alex told a reporter, I think it's fair. Oh, man. Which is really sweet. Everybody's just like, You know what? Whatever a judge wants to do as long as she stays away from me, cool.

I think these dudes are literally just like, as long as I don't have to see her again, I don't care what happens.

I really hope that ice cream wasn't ruined for him. I know. That's really fucked up.

That makes me sad.

Here's the thing. Despite having pleaded guilty to the charges and taking the police, Melissa did continue to maintain her innocence from her jail cell in Florida. She said she flatly rejects the claims that she's a Black widow and says the claims are unfounded. According to Melissa, she never tried to defraud anyone and had only been looking for love. She told the Kingston Wig Standard, I was only interested in a serious relationship in marriage. I was very specific about that. I wasn't trying to lure people to me. I was more or less looking for someone who had the same desires I had. When a reporter from CBS asked Melissa in an interview, Can you change? She said, I can't say that from now on I'll be a perfect citizen, but I'm going to try day by day to behave myself and do what I should have been doing all along. But I can't say that that is going to be the outcome of how my life will end. She She really said no promises.

She was really out here just being like...

She really said, Don't ask a lot of me.

I cannot tell a lie. One thing about me, not lying. Yeah, she can't. I'm not going to sit here.

She said, Here's the thing. Nobody's perfect. You live and you learn it. She did. Yeah.

She totally did. I like that she was like, Can't say that's how it's all going to end.

She said IDK.

She said, Stay tuned.

Peace. So Melissa returned to Nova Scotia after completing her sentence in 2010. And soon after she met Fred Weekes, that started the cycle all over again. When asked about the case, Eric Hickey, Director for Forensic Studies at Alliant International University, he described women like Melissa as an acute danger to society. He said, They see these men as simply objects, someone who can get them to where they need to go. They are black widows. They are quite calculating, and they are pretty good liars, and they've gotten more sophisticated. They used to use formaldehyde and arsenic to poison their victims. Which we have covered many of those cases.

And there's plenty of awful men in the world? Pick them. Why are you picking these nice guys? Don't go after nice guys. I mean, don't go after anyone. I'm kidding. You know I'm kidding. If you're listening, don't take it seriously, seriously. Don't take it seriously.

Seriously.

But for real, why are you picking these very kind, sweet men who are in these situations of being widowers and just looking for love and just like, lonely. Being lost. That's really diabolical.

I know. Yucky. I know. So on March 18th, Melissa was released from prison after serving her sentence for poisoning Fred Weekes there. Alex Stratagos told a reporter, To tell you the truth, I was surprised. I don't think she should be out at all. She did it before. She'll do it again.

He's like, Trust me.

He's like, Hey, what's up? So Melissa's release did come with a number of conditions, though, including adherence to a curfew, no use of the Internet, and reporting any... This is crazy. Reporting any romantic relationships to the police. Imagine having to call up 911 and be like, guess what? I met a boy. It's on.

When the government is telling you, You can't go on the Internet. You're grounded off the Internet, and you better tell your mother and I when you have a new boyfriend, that things have gotten wild.

It's not going to be a hot girl summer if you have to report your romantic interest to 911. Here's the thing, though. One month later in April, the 80-year-old was arrested again in Halifax when she was discovered using the Internet in a local library, a direct violation. She was brought back to court on a charge of violating the terms of her release, but the prosecutor did drop the charges. He said there wasn't a reasonable prospect of convicting Sheppard. Now in her late '80s, it seems unlikely, question mark, that Melissa poses much of a risk to anyone, but not everybody agrees. According to her latest victim, Fred Weeks, he said, I think she's a wicked woman. She's not safe with any man, and she'll do it again. Damn. And we're here to say, I hope she doesn't.

I hope she does not.

I hope that, you know, she, she, she completes the terms of her release. Chill out. Just, just, get a hobby. Just chill out. That's literally all I can say.

Chill the fuck out, Melissa.

I know. I know. Allegedly. Chill out. Stop it. Stop it.

Just like, have a moment.

Just call the police.

Take up a hobby. Like you said, crochet. Yeah.

Needle point. Sourdough.

Sourdough.

That'll take up a lot of your time. Miniatures. Oh, miniatures.

Book-knucks. Make a book-knuck. Girl, make a bookknuck.

Tough on the eyes.

It's going to work those eyes, though. All right.

Keep Keep those going. Keep that mind going. Yeah.

Put on some glasses. Okay. This is all stuff that will take up your time and keep you from getting into any trouble.

And it doesn't involve the Internet, which you can't be on, babe. Yeah. No Internet.

No Internet for you.

No.

Stop it. And you know what? That's good because the Internet's gnarly. Why don't you stay off it?

You should. Damn. So, yeah, that's the story that I had for you today. What a wild ride, eh? Holy. Oh, it was from Canada. I didn't even do that on purpose. Hey, what about? Do you have a fun fact for us? Or is it my turn? I think it's your turn. Okay. Fun fact that's also pretty fucking morbid. Your brain is constantly eating itself. Delicious. The process is called phagocytosis. Thesis, where cells envelop and consume smaller cells or molecules to remove them from the system. But don't worry, says 121 facts that will blow your mind on science forms. They say, It's not harmful. It actually helps preserve your gray matter.

Oh, and you need that. So that's an interesting fact.

It's like when I think too much about having a brain, now I'm thinking about my brain being hungry and snacking on itself.

Now you can feel your brain.

I think I do want. No, stop. I hate it.

Slosh in the rain.

Not slosh. Why do you say sloshing?

I mean, it is sloshing. Is it? A little bit.

I feel like, is it moving?

Is that why you have a headache? It's around. When you get a concussion, it's because your brain slams against the side of your skull.

That I knew. But I thought that was why you got concussed, because it's not supposed to move, really. I need you to stop. I'm literally holding my skull together. Okay. We love you. We hope you keep listening, and we hope you... Keep it weird. But not so aware that you become too aware of your own fucking brain sloshing quote, unquote, around in your head.

Yeah, don't. And don't say weird. Yeah. You didn't say weird.

I didn't say weird? No. Wait, what?

Oh, we did.

Wait, what? And we hope you keep it weird. Wait, I feel like we did. She said you didn't.

Oh, that's funny.

Crazy. Well, I was too worried about my- I'm going to keep it in. Keep all of it in. I was too worried about my brain slashing around in my head.

I mean, yeah.

It's been a long day, all right? Bye.