Transcript of Fleeing the LA Wildfires with My Newborn

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Oh, man. Money rehabbers. A lot has happened since I'll less talk to you. Oh, my gosh. I'm already crying. I said I wasn't going to. I haven't even started talking. Okay, so last time I spoke to you, I was nine months, like 10 months pregnant, wrapping my head around a maternity leave. Since then, I did have my baby, a girl.

She is beautiful and healthy, and I knew this was going to be a big period of transition and change in my life.

I just did not know the extent of it because two weeks after we brought home our baby girl, we lost our home. Our house burned down in the LA fires in the Palestine. I thought, naively, I guess, in retrospect, that I'm pretty calm in a crisis. I've learned to catch many a curve ball in a way that you only really can with practice. I mean, this wasn't my first disaster. It was not my first metaphorical fire, at least.

But this was nothing, nothing like I have ever experienced before.

The evacuation for us wasn't what it sounded like on TV. We didn't have orderly instructions about what to do. We literally saw the fire from the rooftop of our home, and we left as soon as we could. When we evacuated, we left with nothing.

Literally the clothes on our backs and our baby in arms.

I grabbed her, not even thinking to pack a bag, I know that sounds crazy. If I was hearing this, I would think it was crazy, too. You always say, Well, I would take this, or I would take that in case of a fire. I had that list in my head. But when it happens, you're caught between thinking you'll be back, that it couldn't possibly get to your house, and not thinking at all. I knew in theory, even before I went through this, what you are supposed to take with you if you're evacuating your home. But again, I thought I would be calm and rational in a crisis, and I also really thought we would be back. But what I could not anticipate was how all of this would feel as a new parent. I had been a mom for all of two whole weeks. I the title still felt weird and new coming out of my mouth. I was still getting used to that feeling of having a piece of your heart beating outside of you, which is a thing a lot of new moms say. Honestly, it's pretty true. It's also true that you immediately feel this protective mama bear instinct as soon as you see your kid for the first time.

But if you're lucky, you don't have to act on that mama bear instinct. But I did. And the fire did not give me time to think. I just had to act, and we had to protect her. I didn't take my wallet, my driver's license, my passport, my birth certificate, my social security card, all the practical things that are like another set of fingerprints, the records that prove you are you. I didn't take any of the sentimental things I thought I would with me. My father's book that has his signature in it. He died when I was 11. It was my most prized possession and the only thing I had of him. My journals, my poetry, press glasses from the last 20 years, the glass we broke on our wedding day, anything from my wedding, my wedding dress, years of keepsakes, years of mementos that are more than just finger difference. They're all of the things that tell the story of who I am and all I've built. So we evacuated with nothing. Then we just waited to hear if our house was gone or not. Then our neighbor called us with the news. I thought that was a low point on top of the many low points that you might expect during postpartum.

But seeing a video of the remains of our house, that made it real, and that is the lowest of them. I do want to say I am lucky. I absolutely know that. I was able to find a temporary rental quickly, so my family has a roof over our heads, a place to live while we figure it all out, I have incredible, incredible friends. Now, that includes people I didn't even know I could call friends who jumped into action to help me and my family with things big and small. I have people who listened to the show who reached out to send me good thoughts and prayers and wishes. My loved ones set up GoFundMe, which we've been using to buy supplies for our daughter and basically everything we had in our brand new nursery, everything we got from our registry. I know that there are many people that haven't been as lucky. I have been digging deep to try my best to do my part and share resources that I find helpful, being Being useful, being of service has given me some sense of purpose and meaning through all of this chaos. But I hope I can be honest and vulnerable with you.

This has been so hard. Losing my home and everything in it was never on my life bingo card. If you would have asked me for the top one million things that could go wrong in postpartum, this would not have been it. It wasn't just my home, it was my car, and our brand new office, and our beobox, and our pediatrician. It was the whole town that I built my life around and that I loved. I lived in 10 cities in 20 years, and this one was the first place that felt like home. All of this is like a surreal grief. Realizing that all of your things are gone in an instant. I keep realizing more and more every day my night guard for grinding of teeth that I have to get replaced. The driver's license, the passport, as I've learned, these things are really hard to replace, but they're replaceable. My dad's signature, the glass we broke on our wedding day. Those are not. The crazy thing is that it almost feels like you don't know if you still exist, partly because the paperwork that proves you do exist is gone. My most recent bank statement online, less to my old address, so to all of my bills.

It's an address that doesn't have a house standing there anymore. But it is so much more than that, and it is so much heavier than that. In the fire, I lost the memories that I had already planned on making with my daughter, where I thought would be her first steps, her first birthday, by tucking her into her toddler bed we kept the extension for in the attic when she was big enough. In all of this, you lose the future that you had planned and also your past. All of those irreplaceable things I mentioned. The poetry, the book, the treasures from our wedding. If you lose the artifacts from your past and the ideas from your future, what in the hell is tethering you to reality? I never thought I would tell this story, let alone live it. But here I am, even a month later, still delirious, still running on fumes, still constantly crying, hanging by a health threat. Here's the thing. This experience has forced me to face something that I have been avoiding for years. You've heard me say on the show before. You've heard me say on other people's shows that I've always had this deep, complicated relationship with the idea of home.

I've often talked about the mean girl inside my head that tells me that I'm going to be broke, alone, and homeless. Honestly, I used to think a nicer house, a better space, more stability, would fix this steep ache. But this fire literally burned through those solutions. I keep asking myself, where is the lesson? There has to be a lesson. If I learn anything from all of this horror, it is the idea that home was never going to be by a bigger house or nicer stuff, that the gaping wound, the one that made me crave stability so desperately, was something I would have to face head-on. Here we are. And maybe, just maybe. One of my favorite poets, Rumi, was right. The wound is the place the light enters you. For now, I'm going to focus on finding that light, finding finding the gratitude, the gratitude that my family is safe, the gratitude that we have been met with so much kindness, and that I'm being forced to rebuild not just a home, but the idea of it, that's something deeper within myself about the idea of home. I've always felt like I could access something bigger than myself through my work, through this mission that I'm on.

I want to come back while I'm still juggling all of the things that I need to do to put all of the pieces of my life back together, taking care of my daughter, taking care of myself. But there is also a lot that has happened in the world since we last spoke. This week, I want to help try to make sense of some of the big financial headlines. That's always how you'll be affected. You will be hearing from me again, no promises that I won't be crying. You'll also hear from some great guest hosts from time to time, too.

This feels weird.

It feels strange to start to go back to work.

I cannot pretend, and I cannot lie to you, that everything is business as normal.

It is not. I am both okay and not okay at the same time, and mostly not okay and super sad right now. But I know I will be more okay than not okay sometime soon. Doing this show and talking to you is a part of my life that gives me so much meaning. It is something that no fire could ever take away from me. So thank you for being part of this rebuild this journey. And to everyone else who is going through this, I see you. I love you. I love our hometown. I feel your heartbreak. I feel your grief, and I don't know when, but I promise we will get through this together. One step, one day at a time.

Money Rehab is a production of Money News Network. I'm your host, Nicole Lappin. Money Rehab's executive producer is Morgan Lavoy. Our researcher is Emily Holmes. Do you need Money Rehab, and let's be honest, we all do. So email us your moneyquestions, moneyrehab@moneynewsnetwork. Com, to potentially have your questions answered on the show or even have a one-on-one intervention with me. And follow us on Instagram at Money News and TikTok @moneynewsnetwork for exclusive video content. And lastly, thank you. No, seriously, thank you. Thank you for listening and for investing in yourself, which is the most important investment you can make.