Transcript of The 2 Words That Can Control Your Emotions (Brand New Trick!) | Mel Robbins

I'm teaching you a theory called the Let Them Theory that is something that I use nonstop. My kids also use this when I become an overbearing mother. And I just explained that the Let Them Theory is used in a moment where you feel yourself ramping up the control. You're just wrapped around the axel. Your knickers are in a pinch. You can't believe so and so did such and such. Or you're just thinking about it. Why didn't they invite me? Why does everybody get together? Why does my roommate always do this? She was in town and she didn't call me. Let them. Let them. Other people get to be themselves. Other people get to make decisions. The let them theory is a way it is a way for you to address your own anxiety about uncertainty. It is a way for you to let people be who they are. It is a way for you to get out of other people's business and stick to your own business. And it is a way for you to create emotional peace, to not whip yourself into a frenzy, to not care about things that are really not your concern, and to stop this reflexive need to control or comment on everyone around you.

When I looked at the post that we did on Instagram, there were 9,800 comments this morning on this thing. It's only been up for a week. That's how much this struck a nerve. 9,800 comments in one week. That's incredible. Here's a great comment. Let people be who they are, because sometimes you need that person that way. So let them. It doesn't have to be everything, a bad thing or anything. It's so true. I think about that with my husband. I used to get so annoyed because the guy's a slow processor. Just really, like you can almost hear the wheels turning as he's thinking about something. And he asks a lot of questions. And it used to drive me fucking crazy. I just would be like, Could you spin it out? What are you thinking about? And I realized I need him to be that way because I am moving at the speed of light. One of us has to have our feet on the ground. One of us has to be thinking through decisions. One of us has to make sure that the bills get paid and the dog gets to the vet and that the things that we're doing are thought through.

And So I use the let them theory to just let Chris be who he is, and stop making him wrong, and stop trying to control him. And it certainly creates more peace for him. And it also allows me to be more present. So let's talk about the three ways that you are going to use the let them theory in your life. The first one is detachment. Use the let them theory to detach Catch yourself from the emotional or mental struggle that you can get yourself into when you're thinking about either what other people are doing or how things should be going, and to just tap in to emotional peace. Sue Fama, I'm saying it wrong, wrote this on Instagram. I've wasted a lot of time, Mel, and energy feeling inadequate due to my expectations of other people. It hurts. Yet I've learned to make the conscious choice to keep doing me regardless of their behavior. It's fucking hard to be good at this. It requires practice. You know what else I think it requires? When you realize this strikes a nerve for all of us, that we all have trouble with this because, of course, you have expectations.

I'll give you an example. Have you ever gone to a wedding? It's a wedding where a lot of your friends from college or a certain period of your life are going to be there, and you're so excited because Because you think that you're all going to be seated together. This always happens to me and Chris, always. And you go to the wedding, and you go up to that beautiful display that people do now where everybody's cards are in a place to find out where you're sitting, and you pull out your card and you're like, We're at table 11. Where are you guys? We're at table 3. We're at table four. Or we're at table four. We're at table 11, too. And you realize all your friends are sitting together but you. And in those moments, I want to try to switch cards. I want to make the bride and groom wrong. I want to... Let them. It's their wedding. Let them do what they want. Instead of feeling hurt, instead of feeling bummed, instead of looking over that table across the dance floor, longingly, and thinking, Why the fuck am I with the second aunt and the cousins?

Oh, I know, because I can talk to anybody. I can see it right now. They're sitting there, Oh, Mel and Chris can talk to anybody. We'll stick them over here. As I'm looking longingly across the dance floor, and I'm making it up, or they're having way more fun, I'm at, No, let them. Let the bride and groom do what they needed to do. Let the friends do what they're needing to do. Just let them. Because does that emotional turmoil that you create inside yourself? Does it actually help you enjoy the-no. Does it change where you're sitting? No. So let them. It's like a form of radical acceptance, and it is hard. It's hard because I think we default to holding on to our expectations, or holding on to feeling hurt or wronged, or having an opinion about how things should... It's too hot. Why are they doing it? Let them. Let them. If United Airlines wants to board from the back of the plane, Let them. Who cares that you paid extra for extra leg room? You're still going to get it. Let them do what they need to do. Here's another comment. A friend told me that she was so upset and disappointed that another friend had gone without her on a trip that she thought that they were supposed to take together.

My God, was she fixated on it? She just couldn't let it go. This is the perfect opportunity to tell your friend about the let them theory. Have you heard about the let them theory? When your friend does something that upsets you, let them. I mean, for all you know, it's not that they didn't want to go with you. It's that they just needed time alone. So let them take the trip alone. Why do you have to be so offended about everything? Why do you have to be so fucking hurt What about everything? Not everything's that serious or that deep, everybody. Let people do what they need to do. That's detachment. I think it's very straightforward. You're upset about something, you're talking about something, you're griping about something, You're feeling hurt about something, use the let them theory. And just for those of you that are smarty pants, and you're going to write in and be like, But what about if you're at the beach and they leave their shoes on the beach, and you're what? You just let them leave the shoes on the beach? No. You're not upset about it, are you? Of course, you're going to turn to your friend and be like, Hey, dumbass, you left your flip flops over there.

Go get them. You're not going to let them do that. I'm talking about when you're getting yourself worked up about something. You're getting yourself annoyed about something. And I can give you another example. When I first moved to Vermont, we moved here in March of 2020, say no more. And so there were travel restrictions for a couple of years, and that It's not limited to anybody's ability to visit us. But it's now going on Oakley's junior year, and my parents have still yet to visit. I was really hurt by this and really upset by it, thinking, Wait a minute. He's now a junior in high school, and they haven't come to see where we live? I kept saying, Just let them. Just let them. They have their reasons. Just keep inviting them and let them. And what I finally realized, because instead of being upset about it, I just had a conversation with my mom about it, is she said, I just don't like that state. I said, Why? And she told me this story about how when she was really little, her parents left her at the family farm with her grandmother, and they went to the state of Vermont with her older sister to do something related to an eye surgery.

While they were gone, my great grandmother dropped dead next to my mom. When my grandparents, her parents, came home, one of the first things they said to her is, Why didn't you save her? When I see that story, I see this isn't about me. This is about something else. Let people do what they need to do. When you give people the space to do things in a way that makes them feel comfortable, eventually, they come around. And sure enough, they're going to be here in a month, and I can't wait. But you got to let them. Let them have the space to sort through their stuff. So let's talk about That's the second way you're going to use this theory. And this can be a little trickier because this is the let them theory, when you really need to take a step back and you got to let people fail. You've got to give people the room to grow, the room to learn, and the room to take personal responsibility for something in their life. I'm going to give you a couple of examples of this. When our son was in fifth grade, he went to this incredible school outside of Boston that focuses on language-based learning differences, so dyslexia, dysgrapia, that stuff.

I'll never forget, they said, If you forget their lunch, don't bring it. They're not going to go hungry, but don't bring it. Because so much of what we're trying to teach them is that they are capable of creating systems to remember things. If they constantly forget things and you rescue them, they're never going to learn that. It's in the forgetting, it's in the sting, it's in the consequence of not doing something, that you learn that this is important to you and you create systems and processes to actually do it. And so if they forget their lunch, let them do it. If they forget an application deadline for a job, let them forget. Why? Because they needed to learn that lesson. And here's the hardest application of this on the planet. If you have somebody in your life that's struggling with addiction, anybody who has dealt with this will tell you, nobody gets sober until they're ready to. And so if somebody is not ready If you're going to go to rehab, let them. If you force them to go, they're just going to leave. If somebody relapses, let them. It's not until they tell you that they're ready for help, that they are going to actually use the help that give them.

This is a really, really, really hard thing to grasp in your life. Let them. Just let them. It's important because every time that you bail your sister out who's terrible with money, and you loan her money. You know what happens? She continues to be terrible with money. Sometimes you need the sting of 11 bounce checks or the lean on the house, which is what happened to Chris and I back in 2000, whatever. I remember he asked his brother to loan him some money, and he said, I'm sorry. If me not giving you this money is the reason why the business fails and you go bankrupt, then so be it. But I can't bail you out. You got to figure out how to do this yourself. He let Chris fail. It was one of the most important things in the world. Why? Because he wasn't responsible for Chris's failure. Chris was. And he wasn't responsible for rescuing him. Chris was. And when you constantly rescue people, you're teaching them that they're not capable of rescuing themselves. And so, the next time you get that whiny phone call from somebody that needs money, or somebody that forgot something, or somebody that wants to transfer yet again, don't control the situation.

Simply hear them out and say, If you want to do that, great. I'll support you by cheering you on. But you're going to have to do the paperwork. You're going to have to figure out how to get out of debt. You're going to have to come to me when you're ready to get clean. You got to let them do it themselves. And here's one more thing on that. Every time you rescue somebody, you rob them of the opportunity to grow. Every time you step in and you make the problem go away, you make the person a little weaker and more dependent on you. So if you truly want somebody to tap into the strength inside themselves, yes, there is a time to support people. But if somebody keeps relapsing, if somebody keeps forgetting their lunch, if somebody keeps dating the same toxic fucking person, let them. Because eventually, it's not going to work. And then they're going to come to you and ask for help. And when they do, they'll be ready to accept it. And for you people-pleasers out here, like Anne Waters, who commented on my Instagram post, she says, But Mel, I'm a people pleaser, and I keep doing lots of stuff for other people.

How the heck do I stop doing that? The let them theory. Let them do it themselves. Let your kids do their laundry and have the jeans bleed into the sweatshirts and have it all be that weird bluish-gray color. Let them do that. Let them learn that they actually care about doing it right. Let everybody at work go without having their birthday celebrated. Why do you have to be the one that remembers it and brings all the cuppaste? Just let them. Why? Let your brother host the holidays this year. Why do you have to bend yourself over backwards? Let them step up. Let your friends make the plans. Why do you have to be the one that makes the plans all the time? And finally, work. If you feel like you take on everybody's work, let them do their own job. It's certainly going to be easier on you when you use the let them do it theory. Oh, it's your presentation, you're behind the ball. I'm sorry, I've got these 55,000. I wish I could help, but I'm going to let you keep that on your plate. Thank you very much. And this feels like a really good time to let our sponsors have a little word.

So let them tell you a little bit about their cool products and services. And when we return, the third, very surprising way, perhaps the most powerful one, that you're going to use the let them theory in your life when we return. Welcome back. I'm Mel Robbins. Today, you and I are talking about the let them theory. It's just the most beautiful, detachment, emotional peace little tool that you can use to catch yourself when that controlling, nagging, ruminating behavior kicks up inside you, or when you catch yourself rescuing people, you're going to take a step back, you're going to let them fail, You're going to let them drop on their face, and you, my friend, are going to let them grow from it. You're standing by. You'll be there when they've learned the lesson. But for now, we got to let the people in your life fail, fall, do Do things their way, because it's what is going to help them grow. Besides, it's not your responsibility. Your responsibility is you and your happiness. And that brings me to the third way that you're going to use the let them theory. And this one is really difficult.

Let them be themselves. I'm going to say it again. Let the people in your life be who they are, and let them be who they're not. See, I think that we all make the mistake of getting into relationships, and we're not really in a relationship with the person as they are. We're in a relationship with the potential. And When you focus on someone's potential and you start to try to control and manipulate and want them to reach that potential or change or be different, you're not letting them be themselves. And that not only sucks for the other person, Because there's nothing that feels good about being on the receiving end of that. Don't wear those shoes. You need an umbrella. Why are you doing that? You should train with that. You should lose some weight. Why are you eating gluten? Come on. Won't you go to this movie with me? Why do you have to always do that thing? That doesn't feel good, does it? So stop doing it to other people. Let them be themselves. And stop and think, are you truly in a relationship with the person as they are? Or are you in a relationship relationship with who you wish they were?

And you know that that's true if you're constantly in your mind, griping about what you wish they would change, instead of letting them be themselves. And if you can catch this, that you're always dating the potential, that you're always in a friendship that you hope will improve. You'll realize that you're not even present with the person as they are. And when you give somebody the freedom to be themselves, guess what happens? You see who they really are. I can think of a lot of relationships that I've been in, where I spent a lot of time griping about behaviors I didn't like. And when you distract yourself by griping about the fact that they drink too much, or they have a drug problem, or they're not as ambitious as you'd like, or you wish they worked out, or you can't stand their short hair, and you wish they grew longer, or you hate their family, or you don't like that thing that they do, or the sex is really bad, you're not really with them. You're so focused on all the things that you don't like and the things that you wish you would change, that you're in a relationship with the things you don't like, because that's what you're focused on.

And when you distract yourself like that, it keeps you from addressing the reality. And the reality is, you're probably not with somebody that you actually want to be with. You've just kept Keep yourself busy griping about what you wish would change and diluting yourself into thinking that it actually might change. It's not going to. You got to let them be who they are so that you can deal with the reality of who someone is. And when you finally deal with the reality of who someone is, then you can make a great choice about who you really are and what you really need. And there was one thing that I forgot to mention that I think is really, really important, and it has to do with relationships. And one way that we try to control other people is through jealousy. And if this is something that you struggle with, you need the let them theory. Because jealousy, if you're jealous of, let's say, your partner spending time with their kids from another marriage, if you're jealous of when your boyfriend goes off and plays golf with his friends, if you're jealous of when your your girlfriend or your wife is spending more time with the kids and they're bonding.

This is a major problem because jealousy in this regard, this is your attempt to control other people. Because when you get jealous about your partner spending time with their kids from the first marriage, your jealousy is an attempt to try to get them to stop doing that. I want to unpack this because you need the let them theory. You need to let people have their friendships and have their time with their kids and have close friendships with people of the same sex. That's important. It's important to let them do that without you getting triggered. Here's why. Because when you feel jealous And you're trying to control somebody and stop them from hanging out with their girlfriends or whatever the hell it may be, or friends from their former marriage, and that really threatens you. The reason why you feel jealous is you're threatened and you're telling yourself that they don't love you as much as those other people, or that they're not going to love you if they hang out with those people. And what's interesting about that is your jealousy and your controlling is an attempt to get more love. But it backfires, doesn't it?

Because you're not present to love when you're jealous, you're actually present to less control and less love. So if you want more love, which is why you're jealous, then let them do what they're going to do and bring more love to the situation. By letting them do what they're going to do and spend time with their kids and spend time playing golf or spend time on that project that they're working on, you're showing them that you love them as they are. It's an act of love to let people do what makes them feel good. And so, A, you're no longer feeling that toxic emotion of jealousy. B, you're giving somebody the most loving gift that you can, which is accepting who they are and supporting what makes them happy. And C, ultimately, if you keep practicing this, you're going to get what you wanted all along, which is the feeling of more love in your life because you've let go and you've accepted what is. And when you let go and accept what is, that person is going to love you back more. See how this works? Let them. Let them. And the final example that I'm going to give you is let people have their emotions.

Let them have their opinions. You trying to control what somebody feels and what they say, that is a one-way ticket to the end of a relationship. So I'll give you an example. Let's say that you and your best friend have started to grow apart. Maybe one of you moved away. Maybe one of you are in a really serious relationship and the other one's single, the patterns of your life have started to change, hence your relationship starts to change. You still care about one another, but you just don't see each other as much. And let's just say That your friend comes to you and says, I feel like you've changed. I feel like I'm not important anymore. I feel like I've always been there for you, and you're never there for me anymore because you're so busy with your boyfriend, or you're so busy with this, that, and the other thing. Let them have those feelings. You don't need to control what they think. One of the greatest acts of generosity and love that a human being can give to another human being is to just listen to what somebody's story is, to witness somebody's feelings about something, and validate it.

That's it. That's all you need to do. And when somebody is given the space because you let them share how they're feeling. They're mad at you. They're upset about you. They're frustrated with this. They feel wrong. They feel hurt. They feel this. They feel that. Something amazing happens. You learn this skill of being able to detach. You learn how to let people be upset and not put your hooks into it. You learn the ability to have feelings rise and fall. It just happened to me this morning, in fact, because I had told our daughter, Kendall, who's home for a couple of weeks, that I would love to do something this morning together. The morning, of course, came, and a lot of stuff happened. Then it was 10:00 4:00, and she was going to help me go through some things in my closet. She started to go, We got to get going on this, because if we don't get going on this, we're only going to be doing it for 15 minutes. If we only do it for 15 minutes, I'm going to have a fucking attitude, okay? Because I'm going to feel really pissed off about it.

You know what I did? I let her. I let her have that frustration. It was so liberating, because I realized now that I know the let them theory, that I was often engaging in this emotional tug of war with people in my life. They'd get upset, I'd try to calm them down, then they'd get more upset, then I'd try to be responsible for why they're upset, then I'm trying to solve it, then they're doing... And it just becomes this... Nobody's letting anybody do anything. We're arguing over how we feel. It is so fucking stupid. The let them theory allows you to observe people's emotional distress and let them have it, and let you off the hook from rescuing them or being responsible for it. It is such a beautiful thing. That's my gift to you today, the let them theory. Because when you let somebody be free to be who they are in their best and their worst moments, that freedom that you're giving to somebody else, that gift of not controlling, you know what happens? You You get a gift in return. You get peace and ease back in your life. And the more that people realize that around you, they have the freedom to express themselves and the freedom to show up as themselves, guess what?

The less you're going to need to control people, and the more you're going to focus on you. And so let me tell you what the let them theory is. The let them theory is just this simple hack. And here it is. Whenever someone is doing something that you don't like, let them. Here's how it If your friends are not inviting you out to brunch this weekend, let them. If there's a person that you're really attracted to, you've been dating for a while, but they're not interested in a commitment with you, let them. If your kids don't want to go to a movie this weekend, let them. If your parents don't want to come see you over the holidays this year, let them. If your spouse jumps ahead in the series you've been watching together, you know how they do that? Let them. See, the next time you feel yourself getting annoyed or upset or spiraling out of control, just say these two magic words, let them. It's very straightforward. There are millions of uses for it. And here's the coolest part. It works every single time you use it. Because every single time you quietly say to yourself, Let them.

I don't know what it is, but there's something about that phrase. It has this just magical way of diffusing all the frustration, disappointment, all the upset that you feel. And here's the thing. You're going to learn as I take calls from listeners, that the Let them theory is not about letting people walk all over you or treat you like crap. That's not what this is about. It's the opposite. You will be more in control when you use it. And here's why. See, when you say let them, you stop giving your time and energy to other people into situations that you can't control. And you know what that allows you to do? It allows you to take your time and energy back and figure out what's going to work for you. Now, I've been using the let them theory for months, and I got to level with you about something. Before the let them theory, I cannot believe how much time and energy I had been wasting, allowing myself to get so frustrated by stupid things or how much energy I was burning through trying to control other people. And trust me, you start using it, you're going to see.

And I can't wait for you to experience it. It's truly insane. And I wanted I'm going to tell you the story about how I discovered this, particularly in case you're brand new to the Mel Robbins podcast, and this is the very first time that you're hearing about this let them theory. I'm going to tell you quickly, the moment that I discovered this thing, and I need you to brace yourself, okay? Because this is such a stupid story. But I'm going to tell it to you because it really drives home this point that you and I waste so much time and energy trying to make the world match our expectations, it's going to stop today. And you're doing the same thing in your relationships. And that's what's causing so many problems in your relationships. And so here's the story. So it was our son, Oakley's junior prom, and I was just getting all worked up about so many dumb things. I mean, from the moment we got to the party where you're supposed to take all the photos before prom, all I could think about was all of the things that I wanted to be happening that weren't happening.

I just I got myself so worked up. You know how this happens in life, where you just think things should be going a certain way, and then you get annoyed that things aren't going a certain way, and then you start to try to control things or you're judgy about things? Well, that was me. So we walk into this pre-pram photo party. Holy cow, this is like a tongue twister. We walk into this party, right? And I'm like, Why doesn't his date want a corsage? Why didn't all the parents dress up for this party? Why are the kids driving to the prom and not taking a bus to the prom? Why is it raining out right now? Why didn't our son bring an umbrella and get ready for the really, really big thing that got me all twisted up into a knot? Why are these kids going to a taco stand and not going to a fancy restaurant for dinner before prom? And that's when my daughter, Kendall, reached over and ever so gently grabbed my arm and said, Mom, it's Oakley's prom, not yours. If they want to go eat tacos in the pouring rain before prom, let them.

And when she said, Let them, I don't know what happened. It's as if she clobbered me with a magic wand. Let them. Let them get soaked. Let them eat tacos. And as I said those two words, Let them. It was wild. I felt the frustration, Leave my body. And here's the other thing I felt, and this is really important. I felt my focus shift. It shifted from controlling my son and from having an opinion about everything that was going on around me. And all of a sudden, I shifted back to myself. I mean, let them eat tacos. Who cares? Let them get soaked. Who cares? Mel, why not think about what you're going to have for dinner instead Instead of getting all worked up about what they are? And here's what's crazy about this. Once I learned these two words, let them, I started repeating, let them, every day in almost every situation to unhook myself. And the more I use the phrase to just let my emotions rise and fall in a stressful situation, the more I realized that, you know what? The things going on outside of me, they don't have to make their way inside of me.

And so here's the gist of the Let Them Theory. You ready? The more you try to control something, the more out of control you feel. It's true. And the only way to feel in control in life is to focus on where your time and energy is going to focus on you. I mean, this morning, the folks that pick up the garbage, they didn't come to our house, right? Let them. I mean, I don't need to take it personally like they broke up with me or ghosted me or they're so disrespectful. Let them forget to pick up garbage at our house. And now this is where the magic comes in. Now that I'm not taking it personally, I'm not offended, I can handle it effectively, right? I'm not going to handle it emotionally. I'm going to handle it effectively. Let them forget and let me pick up the phone and call them and say, Hey, guys, seems like you forgot. Could you swing by? And then I'm going to let them respond. See how easy this is? See how magical this is? You get what you want. And you don't get emotional. Bada bing, bada boom.

And that brings me to our amazing conversation today. Because ever since sharing the Let Them Theory with you a few months ago, I have been under just a tidal wave of questions and comments about the Let Them Theory. So today, you and I are going to answer them. And to do that, we're going to go to a studio in Los Angeles, where I am taking calls and the phone lines are jammed. The very first person who is on the line is a guy named Daniel, who's calling from Los Angeles. Let's go. Hey, how's it going? Good. What's up? Well, I just have a quick question for you. Sure. The The Lattam Theory, just a little background. Growing up, I was always the peacemaker in our family. Now that we're all adults, we're all moved out of the house, the conflict that arises between us still makes me uncomfortable. I've gotten good at removing myself from other people's drama and not trying to play the peacemaker in every conflict that comes up. But it still makes me really uncomfortable. I'm just wondering if, especially when I visit home or they're calling me about each other. What do you suggest?

First of all, I think it's really cool that you have the awareness of the role that you've played in your family dynamic. I also think it's really cool that you have started to teach yourself how to take a step back. Here's what I would recommend, because the let them theory, when you use it in a situation with family. It's about unhooking yourself from the old dynamic and letting the conflict play out between family members without feeling the need to be the person who's responsible for creating the peace for everybody. So you're doing a great job with that. The second thing is, one of the reasons why you would jump in to try to keep the peace is because the conflict makes you uncomfortable. And so it does not surprise me that when you remove yourself from it, you are still feeling these unsettling feelings. And one of the reasons why you've always been the Peacemaker, Daniel, is because when you step in and try to solve the problem, the discomfort that you're feeling internally disappears because you're focused on being a Peacemaker. And so the opportunity of growth for you is to sit with that discomfort, to let the discomfort rise up inside you, and to notice, Oh, here's that thing.

This is what would normally turn me into a pacemaker. Instead, I'm just going to breathe for like 90 seconds. I'm going to remind myself that we have been a family that does this forever, and we will be a family that probably does this forever, and that I have decided in my life that I'd rather sit with this discomfort than insert myself into every single issue in our family. And so the more that you just notice the discomfort, you tolerate it, you tell yourself it's going to rise and it's going to fall, and they're adults, and they can either figure it out together where they can call therapists and get a professional involved, but I'm done here, the faster that discomfort is going to go away. So that's number one. And I can relate to this because I, like you and like a lot of people, have always felt like it's my job to make my mom, in particular, happy. And anytime I felt like something was up, I felt discomfort. Like, okay, what can I do to make her happy? Just is the way that it is. And the more that I've used the let them theory to just let her have her own reactions, let her blow up.

Let her be uncomfortable. Let her want to do something that I don't want to do. Let her have her opinions. The more I've noticed, wow, I was really inserting myself a lot more often than I needed to. She's not really as unhappy as I thought. She's not sitting around waiting for me to solve this. I've just done this to myself. It's been very liberating for both of us because you're involved in the dynamic. Let's get to the second part of the question. What do you do when they call you to gossip? G gossiping, Daniel, is a form of bonding. We strengthen relationships by complaining about other people. There's a very big difference between gossiping, which is just venting or complaining about something, and sharing a frustration with the specific intention of problem solving and getting advice to resolve something. What I think you should do is consider training everybody that you are available for problem solving, but you're not available for venting and gossiping about mom or dad or about the brother or the sister, because that's what creates a toxic dynamic in a family. And so the next time somebody calls you, you can say, That sounds awful.

And here's the deal. In order to protect the peace in my life and to hopefully make our family a little bit stronger. I've got this commitment that I just don't want to gossip about each other anymore. I am happy to hear you tell me what happened, and I'm happy to offer up some solution, but I got to pull myself out of this gossiping dynamic because it's not great for our family, and it's not good for you, and I just think it's keeping us stuck, and I want something more for us. How does that sound? Right. I mean, that's very helpful. I think a lot of the conflict is between my sister and my mom. And my sister and I have a lot of the same experiences with my mom, so we fall into that habit of gossiping really easily. Where we're just reminiscing about things from the past that probably aren't relevant. Same. So I think that's a really good call out for me to just notice when that happens and take a step back. And here's, as somebody that did the same thing, and we all do this in our families, right? Is that the more I've used the let them theory to let my my parents be who they are, let them have the discomfort or the opinions or conduct themselves the way they are, and the older they get, the more set they are in their ways.

It's a fact of life. The more I'm realizing that I feel that my story about who my parents are or the gossiping or the complaining kept me stuck in an old dynamic. And that the second that I just use this mode of acceptance, they've been this way forever. It's not my job to change them. It's not my job to make them happy. They are functioning adults. The more I realized, wait a minute. They're actually pretty happy. They're like, I'm creating a lot of drama that is unnecessary. And when you unhook yourself, Daniel, I want to offer up a really beautiful possibility. You also create space for someone to show up differently. Because the dynamic of drama in families always has multiple players involved. And the second one person is like, I just am not going to participate in this. The person that is stirring the drama doesn't have anybody to stir it with. And your sister can call you and say, Can you just help me talk through a response that's not emotional? Can you help me unhook myself? That's a different conversation then. Boy, she was such a bitch. Remember that time? You see what I'm saying?

The tone and the intention is different. And I would absolutely forward her the Let Them Theory episode because both of you using it together will profoundly shift the dynamic in your family overall. Okay? We spend so much time focusing on what we need to do, what we need to add in, what we need to change. And have you stopped to consider that the best place to make a change is by letting go of things, of projects, of thinking patterns, of relationships that no longer serve you. And the big question is, how? How do you know when it's time? And I have got not only a fantastic visual metaphor to help you understand this concept, but I also have a really interesting way to approach this. We're going to talk about the fact that your energy and your intuition is always there to tell you when it's time to let something go. Because it no longer serves you. To get into this topic, I want to introduce the metaphor. It was the metaphor I had started talking about as we were on that hike together. Here in the United States, anyways, it is autumn. It is the fall season.

We are all about pumpkin. We are in harvest time. There are corn stalks everywhere. We're getting ready for orange and red and all those amazing colors and carrot cake. I love of this time of year. And I realize it may not be fall where you are. If you're part of our global fan base halfway around the world, it's summertime. Don't get hung up on the fact that I'm using fall as a metaphor. I Personally believe whenever it is that you are listening to this episode, even if it's two years from now, you're listening to this right now because you are meant to hear it right now, because there is a new season that needs to start in your life, and that's going to require you to let go of things that no longer serve you. And so let's talk about the metaphor of what happens to a tree when the fall season hits. And in researching this for you, because it's one thing to just tell you a metaphor, it's another thing to really understand it and explain it. This was fascinating. I know we learned about chlorophyll in fall and the life cycle of a tree in elementary school, but I had forgotten most of this stuff.

So check this out. The reason why a tree has leaves is because the tree needs energy to survive. It needs energy to grow. And the leaves have a very particular purpose. The leaves are there to take the sunlight and convert it to energy so that the tree can grow. And in exchange, the tree gives a ton of water back to these leaves. I mean, this process of the leaves sprouting and the leaves growing and the leaves taking its surface area and converting the sun into energy so the tree can go from a tiny little acorn to a mighty oak. That is a lot of energy. And there's this reciprocal nature to the relationship that a tree has to its leaves, because the tree has to bring in tons of water in order to fuel this energy exchange. And here's the reason why leaves fall off a tree. In the middle of winter, at least here in the United States, when the ground is frozen and snowpack is on top, there is no water for the tree. And if those leaves with their big flat surface were to stay on that tree through winter, the leaves would kill the tree.

It would suck the tree dry of all the water that it needs. An interesting thing about fall is that we look at the leaves turning, and we look at the leaves dropping gently and fouling down to the ground as this beautiful thing that happens. This natural thing that happens. It's so lovely. It's just wonderful. Isn't this delightful? Do you want to know that this is almost like a violent act? That the trees are pushing those leaves off its branches. The tree is basically going, Yo, if you are hanging around on my branches through the wintertime, you are going to suck me dry of all my energy. I am going to die if you don't get off my freaking branches. The tree literally pushes them, ejects them, kicks them out of their life. Why? Because there is no reciprocal energy exchange that can happen during the winter. The tree has to conserve its energy to survive. And after the winter season, once those leaves are gone and the tree can conserve its energy instead of giving it all to that leaf while killing itself. I bet you got areas of your life where you're giving all your energy into a relationship or into your work or into some stupid thinking pattern that you've been doing for years.

It makes you feel bad. You put all your energy in one direction. You get nothing in return. That's what fall is for a tree. The fall season for a tree is, thank you very much for spring and summer. You were amazing. This relationship between the leaf and the tree, this was reciprocal. You got energy from me. I got energy from you. Bada bing, bada boom. And then all of a sudden, boom. This is a one-way thing. And if I hold onto these leaves, I'm going to die. I'm going to die. And I'm bringing that metaphor and that visual and that documented point of view, that this isn't just some lovely thing where the leaves change colors and it's so beautiful, and now we all drink a pumpkin spice latte. That's not what this is. This is a tree's survival. This is about energy. This is about the fact that in order to grow, in order to be strong, to be the best you, you got to surround yourself with relationships and work, and projects, and friendships, and habits, where there is an equal, reciprocal exchange that you give, and you get, and return. And that's where we're going to start when it comes to how I want you to think about this concept of letting go.

We're going to talk about how to identify that moment when there is no longer that energy exchange, that there is something that has become a complete energy suck. And when you realize, whether it's a friendship or a romantic relationship, or a job, or some habit, or a place that you live, when you realize that something has become an energy suck on you, that's when you know it's time to let go. That's when you know, like that tree, that you better kick that thing off your branches because it's hanging on to you or you're holding on to it. And if you keep doing that, what will happen And you've had this happen in your life, where you've held on to things for too long, where you refuse to let things go. And what did it do? It sucked you dry. It sucked you dry of your energy. It sucked you dry of your vitality. It made you feel depleted. Instead of those leaves or that project or that person withering away and falling to the ground so that you could regain your strength so that you could step into a new season of your life? No, you gave it all to them.

You held on for too long. Well, guess what? That's not happening anymore. Because what we're going to talk about when we come back from a short word from our sponsors, which I want you to listen to, because by the way, our sponsors, they're the reason why I can show up twice a week. There is a reciprocal exchange between us. They literally pay for this show, which is why I'm so enthusiastic about it, so we can put this out there around the world for free. So I want to give an energy exchange back to the amazing sponsors of the Mel Robbins podcast. Take a listen. We're going to be right back, because we're going to now talk about in detail, what do I mean by reciprocal energy exchange? And where are the major areas in your life where you tend to start to have this be a one-way thing, where you're given all the energy and you're the one that's depleted and dry? All right, I'll be right back. You hang on to my branches. We're not done yet. It's really green right now, which means these trees are holding on to it. Chlorophyll. That Chlorophyll is coming through, but in literally a matter of days, the green is going to leave those leaves.

Yellow, orange, red, brown, purple. It's going to take over, and those leaves will have served their purpose, and they will all of a sudden wither away and fall to the ground. That was Mel Robbins, your friend who has a degree in Botany. No, just kidding. I want to I'll just touch on one point from what I said on the trail before we get into this energy exchange and how you're going to use your intuition and the fact that you deserve to have an exchange a reciprocal nature to what you give and what you receive back from it, I want to talk about one thing that I said, which is the leaves served their purpose. When the leaves are green. The leaves are bringing energy to the tree, and the tree is returning energy in the form of water. The reason why the leaves start to change is because the tree starts to pull back. The tree starts pulling back on the amount of water that it is sending to the leaves. The tree is starting to let go. The leaf no longer serves a purpose, and this is an important thing to say, because so often we have trouble letting go of friendships, of habits, of jobs, of, for me, where I lived and raised our kids for 26 years.

We recently sold our home, and by God, I held on to that for probably two years longer than we needed to because I had trouble letting go. But what I want you to focus on is that when something has a purpose in your life, that's an amazing thing. And it's also normal for something to serve a purpose during a specific period of time, and to no longer serve a purpose in your life now, or in the life you want to create. And so when you honor that a friendship served a purpose, and a really A very good example of this is, you know how whenever you have a new job, or you move an apartment, or you move to a city, that all of a sudden the patterns in your life change, and your friendships change. And your friendships change because now you're doing different things. You're bumping into different people. It doesn't mean that you're no longer friends with the people that you used to hang out with at work. But the friends that you had at work served a particular important purpose during that period of your life. There was an equal exchange back and forth.

What you gave, you received back. It's why you ate lunch with the same people every day. You enjoyed them, and they enjoyed you. But now that you live somewhere else, putting a ton of energy back into that relationship when you're not going to get the same back, it doesn't serve the same purpose. And that's why when you let go of friendships, you also need to let go of the judgment management on yourself, like there's something wrong with me, and am I doing something wrong, and do I have any? Of course you have friends. The patterns of your life have changed. You're putting energy somewhere else because you're getting energy from somewhere else. This is the natural cycle of life. It's the natural cycle of relationships. And I find that when you really honor the things that you need to let go of, whether it's a job you no longer like, or a house you no longer want to live in, or a friendship you don't see very often, or maybe it's some habit. Maybe it's some habit that you used to have. So when you say something serves a purpose, you actually honor. You honor the energy it used to give you.

You honor the fact that you put something into it. And you also honor the fact that not everything is going to be in your life forever. And that's what allows you to let go. You start to let go when you realize that holding on to things is holding you back. And in particular, holding on to the guilt and the judgment that you layer onto yourself, that you should, but I feel guilty, but this, but that. That is definitely holding you back from creating a new life and from creating space for something new to happen. And see, that's one of the reasons why you have to learn how to let go. Because when you continue to pour your energy into into things that no longer give you energy back, it's going to kill you. It's going to kill your happiness. It's going to kill your vitality. It destroys your motivation. It makes you feel depleted. It makes you feel like you're the last on your list. And so that's reason number one. And the second reason why you have to start to let go of what doesn't serve you is because as long as you are holding on to the old stuff, you have no time, no space, and no motivation to create anything new.

Period. And you know this. So let's now jump into how. How do I use this energy exchange and my intuition to spot the things that are draining me dry and to let them go, push them off the branches, get them out of my life, thank them for their purpose and their service, but then get out of here because you need to make room for something new and better and energizing. Doesn't that sound good? Yeah, you better believe it sounds good. So let's do it. And one of the reasons why I want you to really focus on energy is because your energy doesn't lie. Just for a second with me, just take a second. Whether you're out there walking the dog, or you're driving around in your car, or you're working from home, or you're busy doing a bunch of stuff, I want you to just stop for a second. And I want you to assess right now. What's your energy level? Think about a fuel gage in a car. Empty to full. Empty in a human being means you feel You feel depleted. You feel burnt out. You feel checked out. You feel like your whole life is basically pouring energy into everything else.

Full in a human being basically means that you're energized. You're excited. You feel like the things that you're pouring yourself into, your habits, your routine, the people you're surrounded with, the projects you're working on. It may be difficult, but it's bringing energy back into your life, too. Your energy never lies. We are energetic human beings, and I know that sounds woo- woo. We can get into the neuroscience on that on a totally different episode, but let me prove it to you. Have you ever walked into, say, a coffee shop, and the person that is behind the counter is having the world's worst day. They are super grumpy. It doesn't matter how big your smile is. It doesn't matter how nice you are. They are like, That energy actually impacts you, just like your positive energy can impact somebody else. Energy is contagious. And most importantly, when you hang out with your friend Mel Robbins, I'm going to teach you to start to pay attention to it, and I'm going to teach you to trust it. Because energy is also tied to intuition. And we're going to get into this tool of how do you assess, is something giving me positive energy?

Is something giving me negative energy? Is this a relationship that is one way? Or is this something that gives me something in return? That is the tool we're going to talk about today. And what if the very next morning, you walk into the coffee shop and you're having a bad day. Like one of your pets This is really sick and it just is really bumming you out, you're feeling really low. And the person behind the counter is just the nicest person on the planet. And they look you in the eyes, and they give you a big smile, and they are really cheery and they compliment you. And they maybe even ask you, Hey, how are you doing? You're like, I'm not doing so great. Oh, I'm really sorry. Coffee's on me. How do you feel? You feel better because they poured their positive energy into you, and that lifted you up. Energy is contagious. It also always tells the truth. It's like a compass. In fact, a compass runs on magnetic energy. That's why a compass always points true north. It never lies. Your energy doesn't lie either. It's why you feel off around certain people.

It's why if somebody texts you and you don't like them, you're like, egh. But if you like the person, you're like, oh, yeah, cool. Energy never lies. So let's talk about how we're going to use it, okay? So I'm going to break the topic of letting go into two different types of situations. And in each one, I'm going to explain how to use energy and paying attention to the energy inside you, both that you're giving, that you're feeling, and that you're receiving back, in order to know when it's time to let go. So situation number one is super easy. And this is typically when it has to do with things or projects or a job or somebody who's really, really engaging in toxic behavior. This is the easy stuff. This is when you have a flood of negativity around something. I'm going to give you a bunch of examples of this, okay? We all have a pair of pants that we're holding onto from high school or before we were pregnant or whenever that we can't freaking fit into. When you stare at those things, you're reminded that you can't fit in them. When you try to wiggle them on, especially after a shower, you feel terrible about yourself.

That is something that is an example. You need to let go of that. That job that you walk into where there is a pit in your stomach and you gripe about it to your friends and you spend all this energy pouring into why you hate it and resist it, you need to find another job. That friend that does nothing but gossip and roll their eyes and drag you down and literally is such a bad influence on you, you need to let them go. And what does that mean? Well, that depends on you. Donate the pants for sure. Start redirecting your energy from complaining about your job to directing energy to looking for a new one. I mean, just imagine. That's the other thing about this. Do you know how much energy and time and effort you waste, focusing on resistance and complaining. If you were to just stop complaining for a day about something that gives you negative energy, like your job, or your parents, or your boyfriend, or your girlfriend, or your roommates, what if you stopped complaining? Because that's negative energy pouring out, and you directed that same effort towards something positive, like fixing it, or letting it go, and creating something new that makes you feel good.

I relate to that Because I think I've spent a lot of my life pouring negative energy at things that I didn't really like, instead of realizing, I needed to complete this. I needed to let this go. The roommate served a purpose two years ago. Not a fit right now, and that's okay. Time to kick the leaves off the branches. You know what I'm saying? Time to save myself instead of pouring everything into either another person or my energy into being upset and frustrated and disappointed. So when you have things that are for sure 100% zapping your energy, or you find yourself complaining, griping, resisting, let go. And you can do that in two ways. Obviously, donate, throw out, delete is one. The other one is take all that negative resistance that you feel in you that churns and pour it into something positive. If you can't quit your job, for example, because you need to pay the bills. No problem. Instead of complaining, instead of feeling resistant, spend 30 minutes every morning before you go to work looking for a new one. Or spend 30 minutes every morning pouring positive energy into a hobby or a project or a side hustle that brings you positive energy.

And when you start to do that, you start to lift yourself up because you are now getting this reciprocal exchange by pouring energy and attention into something new and something positive. And that's going to lift you up. And by the way, that will also change your experience of that current job that you hate. I know this because I've done it. I remember being Right out of, let's see, how old was I? I was 30 years old. I was pregnant with our daughter, who's now 23. And we had moved to Boston from New York City, where I had been a public defender, and I love that job working for legal aid. And so we I moved to Boston. I do not have a license to practice in Massachusetts, so I could not work for the public defender's office. I have to take the bar, but I've got bills to pay, so I get a job in this huge law firm. Working in a law firm is the exact opposite of being a public defender. When I worked in New York City for legal aid, I was in court five days a week from 8:00 in the morning till 5:00 in the afternoon.

That was my job. I was on my feet. I was negotiating plea deals. I was talking to witnesses and police officers and judges, going to clients, going to Rikers, all of it. When you get a job in a large law firm, you literally go into a high rise and sit in an office and write all day. It was the exact opposite of what I am wired to do. I knew From the moment I got that job, that I was going to hate it. For a year, I would get on the commuter rail, and I would commute in for 45 minutes, and then I would get off the commuter rail, and I would clomp, clomp, clomp, clomp, over to the building, and then I would get in the elevator, and then I would take the elevator up to whatever, the 23rd floor, and then I'd clomp, clomp, clomp, clomp. I'd go into my office and shut the door. And from the moment I woke up every morning, I felt depleted. The closer I got to that office, as that train, cluck, cluck, cluck, cluck, down the tracks towards Boston, the more resistance I felt. I got nothing in return from that job.

Yes, I got a paycheck, and I needed it. So it served a purpose, but I was getting nothing of value back. Because when I looked at the partners in the law firm, I knew damn well that's not the life I wanted. I knew that this was not a fit for me. But I'll tell you, I made the mistake that everybody makes. Instead of recognizing that that's how I felt, instead of channeling all of that angst and resistance and I went to looking for something else, I sat there miserable, and I felt depleted, and I felt awful. I'm going to confess this to you. I didn't even take the advice then. You know what happened to me? I got pregnant, and I had a baby, and I went on maternity leave. And when I was on maternity leave, that's when, with distance from it, I was like, Okay, there is no way I'm going back there. No way. Now that I have escaped, there is no way I'm going back. And we've all had exes like that, right? Where you're in it for so long, you finally let it go and break off. And they're like, what the hell was I thinking now that I'm on the other side and I'm away from that energy suck?

I don't want to go back to the energy sucker vampire thing. What the hell? But when you're in it, that negativity vortex can keep you spinning and stuck. You convince yourself, But I need the money, but I can't do this, but I don't have it. And then you're so depleted from your complaining and the outpouring of energy and the wrong thing that you're just stuck, stuck. That was me. I get I'm pregnant. I go on maternity leave. Holy cow, I am free from the vortex of negativity. I've been let go, but now I got to go back. And so my husband Chris says to me, Look, I know you don't want to go back, but here's the problem, Mel. We have a mortgage, and we have a baby, and you will go crazy being home. And so here's the thing. You need to find a job. Your maternity leave ends in exactly three months. So that means you have 12 weeks to find a job, and you have to make $60,000 a year. That's it. And you know what's interesting? If you give a human being a problem to solve, we get pretty creative. And I'll tell you what, the night before my maternity leave, I not only landed a job, it wasn't for 60 grand, it was for 55, but that was enough.

And I walked in the next day and I let go. What do you say? I guess I quit, but they didn't let me go. I quit. But so what I'm trying to say is do not make the mistake that 30-year-old Mel Robbins made. Do not do that to yourself. Do not waste a year of your life spinning in that negativity energy vortex. Your body knows. Your spirit knows. Get rid of those pants. Push that project to the side that you don't feel inspired to work on anymore. Let it go because it is sucking your vitality dry. And the second reason why you have to start to let go of what doesn't serve you is because as long as you are holding on to the old stuff, you have no time, no space, and no motivation to create anything new. Period. And you know this. So let's now jump into how. How do I use this energy exchange and my intuition to spot the things that are draining me dry and to let them go, push them off the branches, get them out of my life. Thank them for their purpose and their service. But then get out of here because you need to make room for something new and better and energizing.

Doesn't that sound good? Yeah, you better believe it sounds good. So let's do it. And one of the reasons why I want you to really focus on energy is because your energy doesn't lie. Just for a second with me, just take a second. Whether you're out there walking the dog or you're driving around in your car, or you're working from home, or you're busy doing a bunch of stuff, I want you to just stop for a second. And I want you to assess right now, what's your energy level? Think about a fuel gage in a car. Empty to full. Empty in a human being means you feel depleted, you feel burnt out, you feel checked out, you feel like your whole life is basically pouring energy into everything else. Full in a human being basically means that you're energized, you're excited, you feel like the things that you're pouring yourself into, your habits, your routine, the people you're surrounded with, the projects you're working on. It may be difficult, but it's bringing energy back into your life, too. Your energy never lies. We are energetic human beings, and I know that sounds woo- woo. We can get into the neuroscience on that on a totally different episode, but let me prove to you.

Have you ever walked into, say, a coffee shop, and the person that is behind the counter is having the world's worst day. They are super grumpy. It doesn't matter how big you Mel is, it doesn't matter how nice you are. They are like, That energy actually impacts you, just like your positive energy can impact somebody else. Energy is contagious. And most importantly, when you hang out with your friend Mel Robbins, I'm going to teach you to start to pay attention to it, and I'm going to teach you to trust it, because energy is also tied to intuition. And we're going to get into this tool of how do you assess, is something giving me positive energy? Is something giving me negative energy? Is this a relationship that is one way? Or is this something that gives me something in return? That is the tool we're going to talk about today. And what if the very next morning, you walk into the coffee shop and you're having a bad day? Like one of your pets is really sick and it just is really bumming you out and you're feeling really low. And the person behind the counter is just the nicest person on the planet.

And they look you in the eyes, and they give you a big smile, and they are really cheer, and they compliment you. And they maybe even ask you, Hey, how are you doing? You're like, I'm not doing so great. Oh, I'm really sorry. Coffee's on me. How do you feel? You feel better because they poured their positive energy into you, and that lifted you up. Energy is contagious. It also always tells the truth. It's like a compass. In fact, a compass runs on magnetic energy. That's why a compass always points true north. It never lies. Your energy doesn't lie either. It's why you feel off around certain people. It's why if somebody texts you and you don't like them, If you're like, But if you like the person, you're like, Oh, yeah, cool. Energy never lies. So let's talk about how we're going to use it, okay? I'm going to break the topic of letting go into two different types of situations. In each one, I'm going to explain how to use energy and paying attention to the energy inside you, both that you're giving, that you're feeling, and that you're receiving back in order to know when it's time to let go.

So situation number one is super easy. This is typically when it has to do with things or projects, or a job, or somebody who's really, really engaging in toxic behavior. This is the easy stuff. This is when you have a flood of negativity around something. I'm going to give you a bunch of examples of this. We all have a pair of that we're holding on to from high school or before we were pregnant or whenever that we can't freaking fit into. When you stare at those things, you're reminded that you can't fit in them. When you try to wiggle them on, especially after a shower, you feel terrible about yourself. That is something that is an example. You need to let go of that. That job that you walk into where there is a pit in your stomach and you gripe about it to your friends and you spend all this energy pouring into why you hate it and resist it. You need to find another job. That friend that does nothing but gossip and roll their eyes and drag you down and literally is such a bad influence on you, you need to let them go.

And what does that mean? Well, that depends on you. Donate the pants for sure. Start redirecting your energy from complaining about your job to directing energy to looking for a new one. I mean, just imagine. That's the other thing about this. Do you know how much energy and time and effort you waste, focusing on resistance and complaining? If you were to just stop complaining for a day about something that gives you negative energy, like your job, or your parents, or your boyfriend, or your girlfriend, or your roommates. What if you stopped complaining? Because that's negative energy pouring out, and you directed that same effort toward something positive, like fixing it or letting it go and creating something new that makes you feel good. I relate to that because I think I've spent a lot of my life pouring negative energy at things that I didn't really like. Instead of realizing, I needed to complete this. I needed to let this go. The roommate served a purpose two years ago. Not a fit right now, and that's okay. Time to kick the leaves off the branches. You know what You know what I'm saying? Time to save myself instead of pouring everything into either another person or my energy into being upset and frustrated and disappointed.

So when you have things that are for sure 100% zapping your energy, or you find yourself complaining, griping, resisting, let go. And you can do that in two ways. Obviously, donate, throw out, delete is one. The other one is take all that negative resistance that you feel in you that churns and pour it into something positive. If you can't quit your job, for example, because you need to pay the bills, no problem. Instead of complaining, instead If you're feeling resistant, spend 30 minutes every morning before you go to work looking for a new one. Or spend 30 minutes every morning pouring positive energy into a hobby or a project or a side hustle that brings you positive energy. And when you start to do that, you start to lift yourself up because you are now getting this reciprocal exchange by pouring energy and attention into something new and something positive. And that's going to lift you up. And by the way, that will also change your experience of that current job that you hate. I know this because I've done it. I remember being right out of, let's see, how old was I? I was 30 years old.

I was pregnant with our daughter, who's now 23. We had moved to Boston from New York City, where I had been a public defender, and I love that job working for legal aid. We moved to Boston. I do not have a license to practice in Massachusetts, so I could not work for the public defender's office. I have to take the bar, but I've got bills to pay, so I get a job in this huge law firm. Working in a law firm is the exact opposite of being a public defender. When I worked in New York City for legal aid, I was in court five days a week from 8:00 in the morning till 5:00 in the afternoon. That was my job. I was on my feet. I was negotiating plea deals. I was talking to witnesses and police officers and judges and going to clients, going to writers, all of it. When you get a job in a large law firm, you literally go into a high rise and sit in an office and write all day. It was the exact opposite of what I am wired to do. I knew the moment I got that job that I was going to hate it.

For a year, I I would get on the commuter rail, and I would commute in for 45 minutes, and then I would get off the commuter rail, and I would clomp, clomp, clomp, clomp, over to the building, and then I would get in the elevator, and then I would take the elevator up to whatever I'd cover the 23rd floor, and then I'd clomp, clomp, clomp, clomp. I'd go into my office and shut the door. And from the moment I woke up every morning, I felt depleted. The closer I got to that office as that train clunk, clunk, clunk, clunk, clunk, down the tracks towards Boston, the more resistance I felt. I got nothing in return from that job. Yes, I got a paycheck, and I needed it, so it served a purpose, but I was getting Nothing of value back. Because when I looked at the partners in the law firm, I knew damn well that's not the life I wanted. I knew that this was not a fit for me. But I'll tell you, I made the mistake that everybody makes. Instead of recognizing that that's how I felt. Instead of channeling all of that angst and resistance and into looking for something else, I sat there miserable and I felt depleted, and I felt awful.

I'm going to confess this to you. I didn't even take the advice then. You know what happened to me? I got pregnant, and I had a baby, and I went on maternity leave. And when I was on maternity leave, that's when, with distance from I was like, Okay, there is no way I'm going back there. No way. Now that I have escaped, there is no way I'm going back. And we've all had Xs like that, right? Where you're in it for so long, you finally let it go and break off. And they're like, What the hell was I thinking now that I'm on the other side and I'm away from that energy suck? I don't want to go back to the energy sucker vampire thing. What the hell? But when you're in it, that negativity vortex can keep you spinning and stuck. You convince yourself, But I need the money, but I knew But I can't do this, but I don't have it. Then you're so depleted from your complaining and the outpouring of energy and the wrong thing that you're just stuck, stuck. That was me. So I get pregnant. I go on maternity leave.

Holy cow, I am free from the vortex of negativity. I've been let go, but I got to go back. And so my husband Chris says to me, Look, I know you don't want to go back, but here's the problem, Mel. We have a mortgage and we have a baby, and you will go crazy being home. And so here's the thing. You need to find a job. Your maternity leave ends in exactly three months. So that means you have 12 weeks to find a job, and you have to make $60,000 a year. That's it. And you know what's interesting? If you give a human being a problem to solve, we get pretty creative. And I'll tell you what, the night before my maternity leave, I not only landed a job, it wasn't for 60 grand, it was for 55, but that was enough. And I walked in the next day and I let go. What do you say? I guess I quit, but they didn't let me go. I quit. But so what I'm trying to say is do not make the mistake that 30-year-old Mel Robbins made. Do not do that to yourself. Do not waste a year of your life spinning in that negativity energy vortex.

Your body knows. Your spirit knows. Get rid of those pants. Push that project to the side that you don't feel inspired to work on anymore. Let it go because it is sucking your vitality dry. And I want to just remind you that we're talking about reciprocal energy exchange. That's why these situations of the pants that don't fit and the friend that's engaging in toxic behavior, or the job that sucks your soul dry. There is nothing that you're getting in return. Nothing. In fact, what you're getting in return is more negativity. Those jeans in your closet make you feel bad about yourself. It's bringing you negative energy. That job that you're complaining about, that you go to day to day convincing yourself you can't leave, you can't find some. It's Bringing negative energy into your life. And so these situations are super easy to spot because there's no reciprocal value to the relationship or the pants, or the project. Period. Now, what I want to talk about is the more complicated situations. Those situations where it's not clear, where you feel guilty, where maybe you're taking care of an agent parent or a child that's struggling with mental health stuff, and it is depleting as hell.

Or maybe you are really struggling with friendship or in relationships because you have old patterns of behavior that you don't realize or interfering with this free-flowing, reciprocal give-and-take that really brings amazing things into your life. So when we come back, that's what we're going to talk about. Because this notion that I'm teaching you of letting go and energy, it's not complicated at all. But life doesn't work that way. Letting go is really, really hard. And when you are going to start a new chapter in your life, when you're going to try to launch yourself forward, it requires you to let go. And the reason why letting go of whatever it may be, a relationship, a friendship, a job, in my case, the place that you lived for the 24 years. The reason why letting go is so hard is because we tend to grip very tightly to things that are familiar. When you grip really tightly to the things that you know, It's going to be really hard. In fact, it's going to be impossible to launch yourself forward. And we grip really tightly to the things that we know because it feels safe. And the truth is, change is really, really, really hard because you're holding on to things that are no longer meant for you.

If this is speaking to you, I want you to write into the comments right now. What are you holding on to Whether it's out of fear or self-doubt or overwhelmed, you're just gripping so tightly. What are you holding on to that you know is no longer meant for you? I guarantee you you're probably going to write a friendship, a job, a relationship. Maybe it's a way of eating or treating your body. Maybe it's a way of thinking that you're holding on to. Maybe you're just gripping tightly to staying stressed and tense in a state of fear. You can hold on to a way of thinking, and that can keep you stuck for decades. I wanted to bring this up because I have been thinking a lot about this idea of gripping and holding on. I think if you've followed me for a while, you've probably heard me say that you are one decision away from a different life, a better life, a life that is full of more joy, full of happiness, full of you feeling connected and alive and just engaged in your life again. Just one decision away. And the first decision that will change everything is to let go, to stop gripping, and to find the confidence and the courage and the clarity to let go of what's no longer serving you, and to turn yourself toward what you truly want in your life.

And You know, for me, I've been thinking a lot about this. I've been digging a lot into this idea of gripping, and I'm going to confess something. I feel like I have gotten used to being unhappy. I know I'm a really positive person. I know I bring a lot of positive energy into your life. But there is this festering in me that has been around for a really long time this friction of focusing on what's not working or bracing for what's going wrong. And when I think about this next chapter of my life, this chapter that I am held on creating for myself, a chapter where I'm happier, where I see my friends more, where work is not so damn stressful and hard, where I find more moments of joy. One of the things that I have to do is I have to stop holding on to misery. I've got to stop holding on my own habit of hesitating and overth and feeling scared and gripping. I'm working on it. I want to know, what are you getting out of this? I see, oh, I love this. I see so many of you going, Oh, my God, happiness is so unfamiliar.

Happiness is so unfamiliar. Trauma that you haven't released. I relate to this. Holy cow. I'm so glad that you do. I remember a couple of months ago, I was doing a bunch of research for a project that we're doing for Audible about happiness was one of the episodes that we were working on. It was striking to me that the research around happiness shows that folks that feel happier and are present to more joy in their life have a habit that those of us that grip tightly and feel a little wound up and stressed and have a hard time relaxing don't have. And that habit happy people have is that they make time to do things that make them feel happy. And when I started digging into that research, it was a little confronting because I thought, holy shit, I don't even allow myself. I'm so gripped to feeling stressed out and intense and bracing for what's next that I haven't even made it a priority to allow myself. And so becoming a happier person, again, I'm going to go back to what I said earlier in this broadcast. The first step is literally letting go.

Stop gripping. Let go of what's no longer serving you because holding onto it hurts a hell of a lot more than letting go of it. And so wherever in your life you are not happy or you are just bracing or stressed or stuff isn't working. I guarantee you you're gripping onto something, a relationship, a job, a habit, a routine, a place that you live, a mindset. You're gripping onto something that no longer serves you. And gripping to it is going to cause you so much more pain and misery than letting go. It's really that simple. Every single ending in your life has a brand new beginning contained into it. That's it. Every single ending that you are avoiding in your life, inside that ending, there is a new beginning. I am right in the thick of this, which is why I'm talking about it. Hey, it's Mel. Thank you so much for being here. If you enjoyed that video, by God, please subscribe because I don't want you to miss a thing. Thank you so much for being here. We've got so much amazing stuff coming. Thank you so much for sending this stuff to your friends and your family.

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