Transcript of Mom's Car: Joy Bryant

Hello and welcome to Mom's Car Today, one of my dearest friends, my television wife, Joy Bryant, joins Erin and I today. And I just love this woman so much. I'm sure you do too. Please enjoy Joy Bryant. Some people just know they could save.

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Joy, Karen and I got matching tattoos yesterday.

No way. I love that on my neck. Oh, what does it say? La Costa Nostra.

Okay, that's what I want to get to, but. J2C. January 2nd. Capricorn. July 2nd. Cancer. Impossible.

Aw.

Yeah.

We figured this out when we were kids.

Yeah. In junior high. We figured out that we're the rarest of the rare. Jtc.

That's mine right there.

Oh, my God. Okay, first of all, I love matching friend tattoos. I have one with two of my other friends, and it's Soul Rebel.

Soul Rebel. And there's three of you with it.

Yes. And it's all stick and poke.

I just gotta say though, a three way matching tattoo's higher stakes. Cause the odds of a fallout with three higher than two friend.

Fallout.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah. No, we're never gonna.

It's not gonna happen.

No, not gonna happen. The only thing is that everyone's tattoo is totally different because one friend gave me a tattoo and then he gave.

Me, oh, there's a dudes in the mix.

Oh, yeah. We're all best friends. So it's like the three of us.

Two gals and a guy.

Yeah. No one wanted me to give them a tattoo because my vision's a little bit off.

Hold on, hold on. I thought you meant he gave you the design, but you're saying he physically tattooed you?

Yeah. So woman, man, we're all besties.

Yeah.

And we decided that we're gonna do Soul Rebel. Steve gave me and Jade the tattoos, and then Jade gave Steve the tattoos, but no one wanted me to give anyone anything because they're like, bitch, you can't even see. We don't trust that. But mind you, that was his first stick and poke, and it's all janky. It doesn't even look like it says Soul Rebel. It looks like it says Soul Reed.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, that works too, right?

I like it. Yeah. Soul Reel.

He Was like stabbing my arm and shit.

What's the gd?

Goddamn.

I mean, yes, God damn. I said goddamn.

Goddamn, I say goddamn.

That's actually a memorial for a friend of me and Dave's, Glen Doherty. He was one of the people who died in Benghazi.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, we met him through the whole sort of snowboard. He's an ex Navy seal, and we.

Just looking for some action.

Yeah, he was just a really amazing, special person.

Yeah, I felt like maybe when you were staying at our house for the evacuations, we maybe talked about him because.

You have a friend who lived in that world.

In that world. Navy SEAL and was offered to go to Benghazi for a lot of money. They paid well for that. I'm not saying your friend, but the one that was offered to my friend.

Yeah.

I kind of dug this because I myself can't walk into a lot of stuff. But he just said to me, yeah, I was really tempted, but I just thought, you end up doing shit on these missions that can't be about money. You really gotta think it's about country or you're not gonna do the thing that needs doing. And I was like, wow, that's some cool integrity. Cause I'd probably likely more do anything for money. Nothing for my country.

I don't buy a coin on the floor.

I am not walking by a penny on the street. Yeah, but Erin and I would drink a bottle of ketchup at the restau for $5.

You guys have actually done that?

Aaron hit some real lows. What, when he was an addict.

Wait, when you were in what?

When he was an addict?

I said, oh, some real lows. Like.

Like what I do for money.

Yeah. What about Vince? This is an incredible story. Because of the full circle nature. Okay, okay, so hit her with. At Dean's house. Oh, we'll leave the offender out of it.

Sure, sure, sure. So, you know, Joy, that game, how much would it take to do such and such? People would be like, I wouldn't do that for a million dollars. I'd be like 60 bucks. Like that kind of thing, you know?

I was like, that's immediate needs right there.

Yeah. So I found myself at a party at my friend's house.

And were you there?

I was not. I had retired at this point.

My girlfriend's there, all my friends, all these fucking assholes that I don't know. I find myself wearing my girlfriend's thong, and it's a foot of snow outside and it's like, zero.

Wait, what kind of thong? G String or they were thongs or were they G strings? Was it one strip up your ass, or was it sort of like fabric up your butt?

It was something up my butt. I know he has huge butt cheeks.

I don't think. I think anything.

Everything is of G string.

It's a G string.

Oh, you got a fat ass.

Oh, he's got a gorgeous.

Sadly enough, there was no pictures of this. Cause there was in the 90s.

Before pictures.

So I'm standing outside, bent over on the porch with my ass.

Yes.

Making me crap pot, and a dude just fucking starts peeing on my butt.

That's what was on the table.

Yeah, it was on the.

Yeah.

And I agreed to this for 40 bucks, which was like, oh, you're not even 60. Which was like four people chipped in 10 bucks. Like, it took a minute to even get to 40.

They couldn't get it up to 40.

And then I was, like, sold. At the time, a tina of Coke.

Was 40 bucks jokes on all of them.

Yeah, jokes.

I did.

And I said that, too.

I thought it.

I thought my girlfriend was so fucking embarrassed. She was like, I don't even have words. And I go, yeah, but who's fucking laughing? Who's really laughing now?

Who got them bumps? I got them bums, though. Right? I got that. Yay.

Now, here's the most incredible part of the story. I think this gentleman who did pee on it, I'm more suspicious of that guy than I am Aaron, in this.

Scenario, a pee who was peed on. Right, right, right.

He who chose and volunteered to pee.

On a man's ass.

Another man's ass cheeks and a thong I find more disturbing. There's nothing in it for him other than, I guess, the pleasure of peeing on another man.

Peeing on another person.

I don't want to pee.

And he lost $40. Right.

10 of it was his, I'm sure.

Oh, oh, oh. Okay.

So as you know, Aaron's been driving Uber. He answers a call. He pulls up to this nice house, and the man who peed on him.

No.

Having to drive on you.

Yeah.

It was like, you picked up an Uber 20 years later, four weeks ago. Fuck, no.

I was like, no, you've got to be fucking.

Wait, the person from Detroit.

Yeah. So I pull up to this nice house on a lake, and I'm waiting in the driveway, and out comes this person.

Pee Pee man.

He remembered him.

We know him well.

He's a friend.

But since sobriety, not a lot of interaction. Right?

Okay.

No need for it.

All Wrapped up.

Okay. I'm so fascinated. Okay. So he gets in the car.

He's already hammered.

The guy is already hammered.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

And he'd been drinking all day.

Okay.

And now him and his wife are going to a fucking party.

Did he recognize. Do they know you? Oh.

Oh, yeah, we know. Oh, no.

Immediately, they thought my car was like this car with all cameras on. They thought, like, this was a big joke. In a million years, I couldn't have picked that. I would be getting them for a ride.

Wait, so did you guys ever talk about that night?

Yeah, it came up a few times over the years.

In the car that night?

No, not that.

In the car that night.

Okay.

He loves it. Of course the guy who did the pee loves it.

I wonder who else he loves.

I'm not embarrassed. Obviously. Telling it right now for many people to hear.

I wish I was high right now.

Sorry. But yeah, no, he was proud to always tell that story at a party.

Oh, he was proud to tell that story. Oh, yeah.

Sure, sure, sure.

Interesting.

Makes me think of you saw the Chappelle? We watched it together, right? The Chappelle Monolog on Saturday Night Live.

Yes.

That was like a 20 out of 10.

Yes.

Oh, got one. It's out. Where? Now Aaron's on it. He'll instruct me what to do.

Okay. House of Pies.

Ooh, this is exciting. Our little salon.

Wait a.

Are you so excited? Oh, shit. Hold on.

What happened?

We're getting an ad of delivery.

Oh, my God. Is it multi step?

Yeah, yeah. So.

Oh, wow.

House of Pies. We go.

Okay, great.

And I think there's probably two orders sitting there for us.

Oh, wow. Megabucks. People are religious about House of Pies. It's very charming because look how it does feel like you're time traveling to Los Feliz 70s or something. I mean, I'll sum up that whole story. It's just the dude's blasted. Aaron's got a wade through. Why are you driving Uber? Also, we need you to drive like.

Are you okay? You're driving Uber? Things really went south with me.

Cancer. Oh, okay. And so you know the system. Aaron gets it and I deliver it.

Got it.

Oh, my God. Look how many pies he's got. Wow. Yeah. Let him throw that shit in the back. All right.

Yeah.

Pie time.

Big money, big money.

Big money. Beautiful.

It's also like. Are you gonna feed me later?

Oh, yeah, yeah. I'll do whatever you want. Yeah, yeah.

I'll fe you where you're going.

Joy has really. How Would I describe your culinary pursuits? You get into things. Is it safe to say you get like.

Yes.

So Joy, for two months will just be like, do you want to go get some duck? And she'll eat duck.

Oh, my God. I had duck the other night. Yo, I fucking love ducks. I love duck.

She's a duck machine.

Oh, my God. I had duck the other night. And I'm about to have it later on for, like, leftovers.

Does it microwave? Well, no, no, no.

I'm. I'm gonna, like, heat it in the pan.

Okay. I can figure this out. Right? What do we.

Which one? This one right here.

Okay, great. All right, I'm in par.

I can't find a map. Was that the one?

That was it. Okay. Oh, my God. The next one's eight miles away.

That's why we're getting the big bucks.

This one?

Yeah. Okay, half hour.

Which is so funny, because eight miles is not really that far, but in LA, eight miles is really far.

Yeah. In this case, 31 minutes. Okay. Joy, have you ever heard of moral dumbfounding questions?

No, but I'm sure I've heard moral dumbfounding.

I'm aware of it because Jonathan Haidt, he asked these moral dumbfounding questions to his students at the beginning of class. And what moral dumbfounding is, is you really can't mount an intellectual argument for why it's immoral, but your gut tells you it's wrong. And his work was proving that people more often than not listen to their gut, whether they can actually make a logical argument for why it's not moral. I think we start with the brother sister one. I think this is his most famous. And then he has his class fight about this. And, of course, no one's ever happy.

Okay, this is the incest scenario.

Oh, God.

Oh.

A brother and sister, both consenting adults, decide to have sex while on vacation.

All right, did you say while on vacation?

Yeah. First of all, already where they're on a vacation together. They might have more of a moral dilemma with going on just a vacation with your sibling than even having sex with them.

Once you get on vacation, it gets better. They use protection and never do it again. They both feel like it made them closer. But tell no one. Is this morally wrong? If so, why?

Is what wrong? Is it morally, or is it wrong to even tell anyone?

No, it's just the whole endeavor. Morally wrong. Now, there's clever things in there that I'm sure you already detected, which is they use protection because a lot of people's argument would be like, no, you're wrong, because you'll have a defective child. So they've cleared that up. So there's no baby coming out of this.

Yeah.

Consenting's really relevant.

Yeah.

Both feel it made them closer.

That's.

Awkward.

Incredibly intimate.

Okay. I don't want to feel closer to a sibling. Post coitus.

I mean, is it wrong? I don't know.

Is it immoral?

I don't think it's immoral necessarily. It's not something that I would ever want to do.

The notion to me is absolutely repulsive. I have a sister. I've gone to great lengths to have no idea if she has boobs. Oh, wait a minute.

Are these, like, blue brothers?

This is brother and sister.

Yes. Oh, not a stepsister?

No, not like.

I don't think. I don't think Steph would even make it to a question.

I don't know. You know?

Yeah, we're all.

That wasn't coming in that sense. No, it's fine.

I had this scenario in my real life, I think I've told you about it, which is my mom's third husband came with a daughter who was two grades above me, who I had known I had been in love with. I was like, I'm gonna live in the same house as this girl that I've liked.

Oh, God.

And she's two grades older. I was so excited. She ignored me for however long. They were married two years or something or a year and a half. But she. My brother was then two grades above her or three. So she had a crush on my brother for sure, and he ignored her. Like, he just blocked her out. So there was a very weird step sibling love triangle that never went anywhere. Probably for the best, I think, also.

The fact that they use protection, it's just like, that's between them. We're going to pretend like this never happened. We're not gonna tell anybody. It's over. It's done. I don't feel like I have a right to judge that.

I think it's weird, but I'm making my choices based on who's the victim in this scenari?

There is no victim.

Right. Cause they don't tell anyone. Cause I would say, like, the parents would be victims.

How would the parents be victims if.

They found out their children made love on a vacation? I think they would be really troubled by that.

And thus they would be the victims.

And they would be going, oh, my God, what did we do wrong? Then Brenda and John took a trip.

To Amsterdam I'd like to note that Brenda and John are definitely doing this again.

It depends on how good it is.

Well, it sounds like. Yeah, Aaron has an issue with the premise, which is like, what do you mean? Never did it again? They did it. They liked it and feel closer. And now they decided one. Done. But I guess for the sake of this moral dumbfounding, you have to address the scenario. It's only one. It's one time.

Yeah.

So in this instance, I am a libertine.

Okay. Yeah, I am too. It's disgusting. I don't know that I could do it even to save all of mankind. Aaron has sisters as well.

I'm the only child, so there's that perspective. Ooh, girls, stop texting when you drive in.

Yeah.

Oh, you should ride a motorcycle between travel. What you see is that 40% of people are actively texting or watching a video.

No.

And then 40% are actively smoking weed.

No.

Yeah. What you realize quickly as you're lane splitting on a motorcycle is that almost nobody in LA in traffic is actually driving. Their subconscious just getting them to wherever they gotta go.

Yeah.

Okay, Aaron, so do you have a verdict? Mine was, it's not immoral, it's just disgusting.

That makes three of us.

Should have got a prude in the car.

I needed someone.

Yeah.

Three dirtbags, Three scumbags.

All good. What happens? You kill a dude and get 20 bucks off of him. All good.

Whatever. Somebody peed on you. $40. Whatever.

So take the money and run.

Yeah, look, you know what? Actually it's good that it happened in the 90s before, like smartphones and cell phones.

Exactly. Oh, there would definitely be a video of that, I think.

All the shit that happened.

Yes.

Oh, my God, these four kids today.

That's a great silver lining that you're right about because 1000% everyone would have videoed it. Yeah. Except for your girlfriend.

You'd be a viral hit.

Now we're gonna discuss the problem from.

This is from Rachel in Santa Barbara.

Oh, great.

My new man can't keep it up and it's ruining my O. I woman of 30 years old recently started dating someone new. A man, 29 years old, together in Sirius for about four months and things are honestly amazing. He's a vulner boy, just like you guys and makes me feel very safe and loved.

A what boy?

A vulner boy. We're Vulneraboys.

Vulner boys.

Yeah. Yeah, we invented. Yeah, we're Vulnerable boys. Yeah, we're the Vulnerable Boys. We have a band. We've yet to record any of our songs.

We don't think anyone can handle it yet.

But we write songs about being scared and overreacting.

So it's beyond emo.

Yeah, yeah, it's the best.

Middle aged emo.

Mid century emo.

Right? Mid century emo. Got it.

Yes, definitely.

I love it.

However, when we have sex, his penis won't stay inside me. When I start having an orgasm, he says that contractions are pushing him out, which sounds made up because it has never happened before.

First of all, very jealous of her Kegel muscles.

Exactly.

She can fucking eject.

Exactly. That's some big fucking owing happening.

I've never. That means snatched.

Literally, she snatched.

And I have not given an O of that quality. Apparently you didn't shoot me out.

Nor have I, I hate to admit. So she thinks it sounds made up. And she's assuming he can't stay hard.

Her assumption is that he is getting.

Soft and then saying that it's because of her.

Her erratic contraction.

To be fair, I usually get it one way or the other. But when he's softening up and sliding out right when I'm about to O, it ruins the momentum and the movement. How do I talk about it with him without potentially embarrassing him or making him feel bad? Please help me. Vulner boys.

Vulner boys to the rescue. I want to hear a woman's perspective. What from her point of view makes sense to you and what are you confused by?

I would imagine that contractions and Kegels are very stimulating to a penis when it's inside of you. And there's lots of benefits for that. And that could be overstimulating to her partner. Right. Because sometimes being overly stimulated will cause the penis to go in the opposite direction. Retreat to go quiet. So, girl, I feel your pain, child. I feel your pain, sis.

I guess that's a good question. Has this ever happened to you? Cause I call bullshit on a lot of this already. I think he's coming. She's about to orgasm. And it's so exciting when you're a dude and the girl's about to come. Well, for me at least, that's when it's very hardest not to spray, is when she's about to come. So my hunch is she's about to spray and he does. And then it go soft. Or he's about to. So he pulls out. So he doesn't spray. I have some follow up questions for her. Yeah, but I don't think he's hard. And then right when it Gets super exciting. He's flaccid. That I can't relate to personally.

I mean, look, you never wanna emasculate or make anyone feel bad.

I feel bad for y'. All. How do you bring anything up?

You just have to. You never talk about it in bed.

Okay, great. Oh, okay, good.

You don't talk about sex and what's working, what's not working in bed. Unless you're, like, actually fucking and you're like, okay, do this. Do it. Like, you know. But, like, after the fact. You don't talk about any it issues or whatever in bed. Take it out of the bedroom. And always come from a place of calm love. Right. Cause it is sensitive. But I think it's more so that. Because we are so reluctant to talk about it. More so that when you start talking about it, it's actually not that bad sometimes. So I think that it's just like, you know, hey, I just noticed that when we're having sex and I'm about to come, like, I just like to talk about what that feels like for you. Because what I would like is xyz. What can we do differently so that you might be able to. So that I can be able to?

Yeah. Okay. So there's a lot going. I think it's gonna be tricky because he's made a claim that I feel like she might have to refute, which is it's ejecting your penis. So I don't know how we tackle that quite yet, but I think maybe I would go in steps for her, which is. Okay. Let's assume he's telling the truth and it's getting rejected. That can't happen if she's riding him. If she's on top and she's sitting on it, it can't get ejected. Would we agree with the physics of that?

Yeah. You know what? Now that I'm thinking about it.

Yeah, think more about it.

I mean, think about it. There is the whole thing of, like, deliberately squeezing your Kegels while the penis is inside of you.

Sure.

Not involuntary. I don't know that, like, oh, you're coming, and now you're contracting. So I don't buy what he's saying.

I think it's possible, but I think it's highly improbable.

Yeah.

So first order of business would be like, hey, I know you're saying it's popping out. I would love for it to be in there when I hit my brain. Can I try riding you to see if it won't pop out?

Right.

Okay. Great. What's he gonna say? No, you can't ride me? He's gonna say, yes, you can ride me. That's my assumption. Now, if he still pops out in that scenario, I think he's limp. And now we can address in the debrief after that sex, we could maybe say like, well, wow, it still popped out. Do you think you're losing your erection? To me, the options on the table are like, well, if you're losing your erection, just use Viagra. If it's really a loss of erection, there's medicine. Just fucking take Viagra.

Yeah.

But again, my hunch is he's probably coming early. I can relate to this. When I was younger. Oh, what a stressful thing. Someone's gotta teach you to handle your business before you do your business. Everything will be golden.

And also there's performance anxiety and those kinds of things.

But I think, why is it getting soft? Is it getting soft because you're orgasming and going, that's so flattering. Like putting a real positive spin on it. And then you gotta talk about, okay, what if I blow you a half hour before we have sex and then give it a go and see if you. You can hang in the saddle.

Joey, what you said about the talk and not in bed until Ruthie, who I'm married to now, I never. Or at least maybe I didn't hear them. Never had a talk about anything open with the sex. It just happened.

I feel like a lot of people.

Don'T, but it's very healthy.

Yeah. Yeah, it's hard. I wanna acknowledge it's so hard. Cause I think it's the easiest way to, like, destroy someone's self esteem. I think we all intersex going, like, I hope I'm enough. If you're a dude, it' how big's your dick? Which she doesn't even care about. But as a dude, you think so? It's like, am I big enough then? Do I last long enough? Am I hitting all this accoutrement you have correctly, right?

Am I hitting the wall?

Am I bottoming out? Am I hitting the wall?

Yeah.

Yeah.

All right.

Voila. Meet Ed Dora. I get to meet this person?

Yes.

Okay, wonderful. Now I want to get back closer to our house.

Yeah, that's what we were saying. I'm not mad as little subdivisions. Yeah.

I find a lot of times you can't get in the buildings.

Yeah. Very Melrose Place. What were your show's joy when you were in high school? Were you sucked into any of these white dramas? Like, I was white drama. Like Beverly Hills 90210.

White drama. Hashtag white drama.

We got drama, too, yo.

Y' all definitely got fucking drama. That is the great. That's like a great name for a show. Yo, White drama. What's it about? It's all in the title. White drama.

I wonder if you could just declare a show these days. Like, this show's gonna be 100% white. It's a white drama.

This is a white drama.

This is a white show.

This is a white white.

Everyone's free to watch it, but it is for white people only.

It is about some white bullshit. White drama.

It'll say that up in the corner before it starts. This is full of white bullshit.

This is full of white bullshit. Just to let you know, it's gonna be good. I'm just white bullshit.

It'll be exactly what you expect.

It'll be exactly what you're not gonna.

Relate to it, but it will entertain you.

Right? It's gonna be under seasoned, but it's gonna be good.

Under.

It'S gonna be raisins and potato salad. But it's gonna, you know, whatever. You pick it out.

Did you like any of those shows, though?

Yes, I loved Niner two one zero, Melrose Place.

Also.

You were in that boarding school. That was a bunch of honkies, right? They were probably all watching Melrose and talking about it.

Weird thing is, I don't remember watching a lot of TV in high school. Cause I think we had TV in maybe some of the common rooms or something like that, but I didn't really.

Watch a lot, so. Which one did you watch? Party of Five.

I wasn't really into Party of Five.

That was actually.

There was some names out, but you did well.

Beverly was 90210.

She said. Yeah. And Melrose.

And did you have a favorite character on 90210?

Dylan.

Dylan. Dylan. Yeah.

Not Brandon.

We love Brandon. He's a.

He's nice.

But it's all about the bad boy.

With the raspy boy in a Porsche.

Convertible. Porsche in high school.

Wait, he had a convertible Porsche.

Porsche. Yes.

Yes, he did.

What a badass.

Yeah, he rolled around a little. Porsche spider. Yeah.

Yeah.

Hard to beat. But then Brandon got a 65 Mustang.

Sure did.

Yeah. At one point. I love that. The premise of that show was that.

They were poor, Minnesota.

And they kept showing their house, like a 4,000 square foot house in Beverly Hills.

They're poor.

And you're like, God, I don't know.

How they're embarrassed around their Friends.

Yeah. Still want to get picked up in front of their house. Who would be your top 3? List of people you would want to smoke a joint with? You bring your own. I guess in this scenario, Seth Rogen's number one.

Yes. He's like, number one, two, three.

I might be able to broker that.

No way. I would smoke more than one hit with Seth Rogan.

Okay.

Although I kind of feel like his weed is very strong too. But I would just bring my own as well.

This is one of Joy's hot takes that I loved when we were doing Parenthood. She was like, okay, Seth Rogen and James Franco, they're in all these movies together, and all the girls are wild for Franco, and he's objectively cute. I get it. She goes, but for my money, give me a night with Seth Rogen. And I was like, girl, look, he's.

Funny and he likes to eat, and he smokes weed.

Yeah. This is the dream hang.

The snacks would be crazy. And the snacks would be crazy.

Love it.

Okay, so Seth Rogen, number one, Woody Harrelson. Any interest?

You know, I never thought of my top dream stoner. Yeah. I would to love, love a hang.

With Woody Harrelson, but when you threw.

Out Willie Nelson and then Snoop, that's tough because these are like the. Well, this is how you know her. Yeah, this is how I break it down. It's like there's platinum status gold, silver, bronze, and pewter. Now I have friends who are like platinum level stoners, like, homies. And I know I can't smoke with them, but I know that if they were to get with, like, Snoop, Willie, or whoever, they would go toe to toe. One of my homegirls in New York, this bitch. One time we did edibles, and they were five milligram each. And of course, I did one, she did five, which means she had 60 milligrams to my five. And I was high and she looked high, but she was totally functioning and kind of doing her shit right. And I was like, oh, yeah, girl.

Well, that is the weird question I kind of sometimes ask myself is if you wake and bake and you maintain and you're. Yeah. You're not altered. It's just curious. I'm not even sure that you know when you're stoned.

You know what I'm saying?

Well, back in the day, I was who smoked all day, and I could function and do anything and everything.

Yeah.

But now I don't have that level of tolerance, so I can't just be smoking all day and Handle the things that I need to handle.

So weirdly. Okay. And your tolerance went down.

Yeah.

I just interviewed Seth. He said he smoked with Snoop and he just got blown away. And I was like, oh, it's interesting. There are rungs.

So for me, on that scale, I'm like bronze to pewter because I do smoke probably more than the average person. There's different modalities that I tap into with weed.

Okay. And have you dabbled in another craze I'm noticing is a lot of people doing mushroom chocolate. Have you fucked with that?

Yes.

It's great, right?

It's fucking awesome. Remember that time I told you I walked from the Hollywood bowl past your house?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You were chocolate at.

I mean, yeah, like, that was not a great idea, but I did that.

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What's great about this mushroom thing is you never knew when you were taking shrooms. I've eaten a pound of shrooms in my life. Aaron and I famously bought a half pound in Santa Cruz, which was two gallon sized Ziploc bags, famously. And we kept one gallon for our consumption. And then Aaron sold the other gallon in Detroit and we made for us a fucking fortune. I think we made like 1200 bucks or something and got a free quarter pound. Anyways, you didn't know what you were taking. You're like, I guess I'm doing four stems and six halves. Whoa, what is that? And even if people had scales like, well, weigh it three point. Well, how much of it is psilocybin inside of all these stems and shit? The notion that you can take that chocolate and you know exactly what it is is pretty radical.

Yeah.

Did I tell you this was actually your chips premiere? I'm sure I never had mentioned. I was so embarrassed about it, but. So Scotty and I were staying in a hotel together. We were gonna go to your house. Cause your family was there, mom and Dave Barton and everybody.

Oh, yeah. And I had.

I hadn't seen anybody in a long time. But I was also really peeking in my fucking addiction and everything else at the time. In my mind this was a good idea because I thought it would keep me chill. Scotty went and got a candy bar and each little piece was 5 milligrams.

This is a weed.

Or weed chocolate.

Yeah, yeah. So he fucking chomps like 10 of them down.

Wow.

Like a crazy amount. And I know my. I can fucking do an ounce of coke and drink a crazy amount, but I can't smoke weed.

We've never been strong in that category, Aaron and I. I think it was.

March Madness at the time setting this up. So we're gonna go to a bar, watch some basketball, have a couple beers, keep it chill. So we can go have dinner with you and the family. And then your premiere wasn't until the following day. I think I had one. A five milligram piece. We go to the bar. I lost my sight. I started when I realized my paranoia set in. The bar was busy all of a sudden. I decided that the bartender didn't want me there or no, just the waitress. We're sitting at a table. Although we're drinking and eating.

Yeah. Doing everything a waitress might want you to do.

I was like, it was so strong. I can't be here anymore. Scotty was like, whoa, what the fuck? So, no, we'll stay. Thirty minutes later, I just go blind. I'm watching. I'm, like, looking outside, and it just is gone. I can barely see Scotty's orbit right next to me. And I'm like, no, no, no. Yeah. So fast forward to Scotty holding my hand and walking me back to the hotel.

You had to tell him at some point. I can't see.

Yes. I told him I was completely blind.

Oh, my God. So what do you do with that ammo? Cause you're like. Well, you're not. There's no way your eyes got damaged while we were watching this basketball game.

Oh, my God.

Yeah. So he held my hand and walked me back, and I was like, just barely seeing shapes. I'm like, I'm gonna get hit by a car for sure.

Oh, my God. Thank God you weren't alone.

So we get back, the pool. The pool was not even open. It's outside. I jump in it.

At my house.

No, no, no. I'm at the hotel. You know, I'm like, I need some cold water.

I need. So I can see.

Yeah. So I do that. Nothing. I go into the shower now it's almost time to leave for dinner. And I'm like, I can't see. And I was like, I can't function.

You still couldn't see.

Yeah. So I remember Scotty called you or texted me and said, he's black.

Yeah.

Weekly. You know, it's not having a.

Or whatever.

I don't know how he worded it.

Yeah, I don't remember that. Okay.

Yeah, well, you had a lot going on.

A lot going on.

And I remember you weren't happy. You were disappointed. Which was the worst part, of course. For me, I'm like, I wish he would just be mad at me. But, no, he's disappointed and still loves me. And I'm off. So I called it a rap and, like, slept for 13 hours.

Yeah. Yeah. Cause that's what you gotta do. You gotta just go.

Honestly, I do wonder, though, if it was in your head how it was disappointing.

Possibly.

Yeah. Cause I have no memory of it. And just also, I can't imagine ever if someone's fucked up and they pull something like being judgmental. I just did it so much. I missed birthday parties. I was late for Christmas. I would've Just been like, oh, yeah, that makes sense. Yeah. Probably better he didn't roll up. Annihilate. Maybe even grateful, I feel like. Is what I would have felt like.

I'm with a cane and dark sunglasses.

You're like, what the f. Did he.

Get hot acid in his eyes?

Oh, my God.

Yeah, you're surely right. I probably made that part up. Disappointed in my head because I was disappointed with myself.

You 1000% made it up.

All you have to do is be chill for one day. And you can.

And you tried. That's what funny is. You tried.

Wait, so when you woke up just.

Going to drink some beer. 100%, went to the premiere that day. Saw you saw everyone getting hammered.

Oh, my God. Fuck it. I'm better off just getting hammered.

Yeah. I'm like, let me go back to my old self.

Oh, what's this? Except.

Oh, look at this.

No, I'm turning right. No. Roast duck by.

Stop it. Hey, Joe. Stop it.

Oh, my God. This feels like a blessing. Cause.

Did you order?

It's me, guys.

She ordered some ducks.

Oh, I see. Roasted ducks.

Get the fuck outta here.

Look at this. Oh, this is gonna be hard for Joy to not get nibbling on this duck.

I'm fucking puke. When this duck gets in the car.

They not getting his order.

Bam.

Can you bring a menu out?

Can you bring a menu?

Holy shit.

I can't believe you desire duck that much.

I love it.

It's like a kink for you.

It's like a kink.

It's a kink.

I think he said, be real careful.

Be extra careful. It's extra greasy.

Holding it like a baby.

Do you want me to put it back here?

No, he said keep it upright.

No, I'll hold it.

Okay.

This is my.

You don't trust me make it. I don't. Okay. Moral dumbfounding.

All right, Joy, you're gonna like this. Corpse desecration, right?

Okay.

A medical student alone in a lab finds an unclaimed cadaver. They decide to have sex with it, knowing that no one will ever find out and the person is already dead. Is this more or less?

Yeah, this one's really hard to not say. It's absolutely wrong.

I think it's absolutely wrong because it's still a violation. You were not given consent. And then at that point, does the body belong to the family?

That's why I think he was clever in saying unclaimed.

Unclaimed. Unclaimed.

You notice these clever things that he puts in there to prevent you from making that argument, like, oh, the family would be upset.

I still think that it's a no go.

Isn't it only a misdemeanor legal?

Is it?

Is it?

I gotta imagine that's a felony. Having sex.

You don't think so?

Based on. Seriously?

Unclaimed.

How about this? When I'm dead, I don't care what anyone does with my body, I'm dead.

You don't care if someone fucks you in the fucks you in the womb?

I don't care if someone to fuck.

Me in the womb.

I hope this. Hope someone can get some enjoyment out of my cause.

Fuck that. I care if some dude fucks me when I'm dead. I care about that. I don't want some random dude just fucking like busting off and I'm dead.

I bet we can make this harder really easily. And you say the cadaver's a man and rigor mortis caused his penis to stay erect and it's a woman who does it. You gotta admit it's different than a dude banging a female corpse. Right?

Because that male is penetrating from versus.

No, I just think it's the moral dumbfoundedness. Right? Like, I just know guys are worse. They're doing all the raping.

They're doing all the raping.

If a gal gets off on a dead guy. And then you also, you gotta assume a dead guy would definitely love for his dead body to be had sex with by a woman. Admittedly, I'm more open to a woman doing it to me than a man doing it to my corpse.

It's almost like you're donating your body to science.

In a way, yes. I'm donating it to. To someone who presumably can't otherwise have sex if they're having sex with a corpse. Okay, we'll put a pin in this. I'll be right back.

Yep, yep, yep.

Hey, Duck, let's pull up that menu.

What if you just wanted to meet them? Cause you're like, hey, I like duck a ton too.

Hey, do you have any extra? Can I come hang out? You guys, I'm like obsessed with this fucking duck place. I can't think of anything else but this fucking duck. God damn it.

They own a cybertruck. What do you think, Love Duck plus cybertruck just put you right back at the zero. That zero. It's a push.

Yeah, it's a push.

Okay, so we were at the. What if it's a guy cadaver?

Yeah, I guess I'm asking, are you more comfortable with a woman having sex with a male cadaver than a man having sex with a female cadaver.

That does kind of feel different.

Logically. I go, it's the same. But I.

But at the same time, it's.

This is similar to. We've debated at length whether it's okay to have sex with a dolphin, a human, because dolphins are so horny.

Dolphins are very horny.

They're the horniest. And what we have decided we feel comfortable with is a woman being in love with a male dolphin, but not a man being in love with a female dolphin. Because the male dolphin has to do the penetrating. We know it's consensual because he's initiating and doing it. And for some reason, that just feels a lot more better to me than a dude deciding that dolphin loved him back and wanted it. I don't trust a guy to make that.

Which is always the case.

Yes. We don't have a great track record. So how do you feel about a woman and a male dolphin as lovers?

I love it.

I do, too. I'm happy for both. I'm certainly stoked for the dolphin.

Me, too.

Like, what a pimp. He's got interesting appeal, right?

Yeah.

Did you just come up with a new morally dumbfounding question there?

I think so. Yeah. Yeah. I think I should pitch this. I'm gonna email this to Jonathan. Great news. I have a new one.

Bestiality. Is it okay with only a dolphin because they're super intelligent with dolphin dick and a consented?

Because we see them trying all the time. There's untold videos of these.

I was, like, obsessed with Naughty dolphins.

Naughty dolphins.

Dirty dolphins.

Naughty dolphins. Naughty Dolphins. Another great show. I would watch Dirty Dolphins, White Drama and Naughty Dolphins as a block. That's a solid couple hours of television.

Oh, my God. Dirty dolphins.

Back to the cadaver. Aaron, what do you think?

Some people may not like this, but I don't think it's morally wrong.

Wait, did you say you don't think it's morally wrong? I did.

I did. A lot of Mercy and 100 more.

I think that person has a perv.

He's just having sex with a steak at that point.

Yes.

The question is, is this dude nasty as hell? The nastiest.

The nastiest.

The nastiest.

Yeah.

But again, I'm having a hard time finding the victim.

I still think the victim is the body.

Yeah.

Because it still lacks consent. And you are taking advantage of a body. Even though the body is no longer alive, it's still a body. And so for those Reasons I would have the same issue if it was a woman with a dead hard dude.

Same.

Well, I think this question also would be harder if you believed in an afterlife. Yeah, I think that's in the mix a little bit. Right.

I think that's probably one of my main reasons.

I think that person doesn't exist anymore. So I don't think there's actually a person to consider.

I don't necessarily think that person exists anymore either. I still feel that it's still a body, it's still a human being, even though that human being is.

You don't have rights to just anybody.

Fine, I don't.

That's fair. But I do think if you are deeply Christian and you believe you'll be in heaven watching this person violate your corpse, it's easy to find a way to victimhood in that. If you believe you'll be in heaven and could somehow observe this.

Yeah, see, I don't believe in that. I'm not religious at all necessarily. But I just believe in you crossing a line, man. Yeah, that's a fucking line.

This is what I will say of all these lines. You're crossing a line of all these lines.

Take your dick somewhere else, dude. Why you gotta. That's like, would you wanna go to a fucking grave and dig up some shit and like the same thing.

Let's paint the most generous defense of the person possible for one second, which is, I didn't pick what I'm into. Luckily, I happen to be into women who are my age and have been my whole life. I'm not a good person because I picked peers my age who I want to consent.

Okay?

That's just how I am. I don't think anyone picks being a pedophile. No one's trying to be a pedophile. I think that's a terrible way to go through life on planet Earth. I mean, what would you do? So I don't think anyone picks that. So let's just assume for a second there is someone, guy or a girl, who they were born. The only thing they ever are gonna wanna have sex with is a corpse. They didn't decide that. That's just how it is. They're never gonna have sex with an alive person. If they're ever gonna be sexual in their whole life, it's gonna be with a corpse. And now they're in this situation where it's like, oh, here's this corpse. They're dead. It's not like they're gonna be upset or in any dis. Now's my chance. I'm mildly sympathetic if there's someone that was born that way, and that's just how they are, and I just got lucky, and it's easy to be like me. That's as good of an argument as I could maybe make. You're still out, but if it's a.

Normal person like you like, and you're.

Just warning, you're like, I'm either gonna jerk off, sure, yeah, I'm a piece of shit. Yeah, I'm a lazy piece. Like, fuck, I was gonna jerk off. But this seems a little bit easier. It seems like 5% easier. Can you imagine?

That seems easier than Jack.

And. Well, that's where you get into the weirder conversation, is like, what dudes do in prison. That one's really interesting.

Is that one of the questions too?

No, but I'm just now thinking about the notion that there are dudes who will fuck other guys while they're in prison and get oral from them and then get out and never do that again. That's not their preference, but in a pinch, they'll do it. And then I used to watch that show, Hookers on the Point.

Love that show.

It's the best show ever, right? Remember? And the narrator.

Yeah, I gotta call you back, girl.

I'm sucking dick right now, verbatim. I love the narrator.

The narrator.

This is how he talks. He go. He go. The ladies on the Point are working hard to match sucking and fucking like. And then.

That's so good. Do you think we can find that on Max?

I don't know that it's on there, unfortunately, but that was Nate and I's show. We loved watching Hookers on the Pointe to go. And our favorite episode, which was so confusing, was this guy had picked up one of our heroes from the show, the white chick with no teeth. She's like, how are you tonight, baby? He's like, good. I just got out of prison today. And she's like, oh, welcome home, baby. She starts blowing them in the middle of it. Now he's getting really into it, and he's like, oh, fuck, I want some balls in my mouth. Oh, no, it ain't our. And we're like, whoa, what's happening in this man's mind? He got a female hooker, but now he's like, I want some balls in my mouth. And he said it a few times. And she goes, oh, you kinky. And I was like, that's more the service that a sex worker might provide than people might think, right? Which is you might think they're just there to have an orgasm. But the acceptance that those gals have of whatever anyone thinks is. Is nice. Right? Like, maybe you are in quotes. You're straight, or who cares?

You want a woman to blow you, but you want to talk about sucking balls the whole time.

Yeah, that's okay.

That's okay.

Yeah.

And I don't think that makes you whatever.

I mean, we don't have a category. We don't need a category for this.

Isn't that about the sort of fluidity of sexuality and things like that? Right. And I think that also plays into how men could potentially have sex with each other in prison, but get out. And they're like, okay, well, that was then.

So, yeah. When Nate and I lived together, we were in our different bedrooms. Every morning we'd be doing our computer work. And every now. And I'd just hear from down the hallway, the ladies are working hard tonight on the porch. Ooh, yeah.

Yeah. So I was vegetarian from 94 until 2018. And during that time, I was like a pescalactitarian. I would have.

Wait, say those years again. I wanna do the fast math. What is it? 94.

94 to 2018.

So 24 years. And when I met you, I was vegetarian. You were vegetarian. You were starting to fuck with fish sticks. We need to tell that story en route to this answer. The salmon sticks.

Oh, no. Damn it. Oh, my God.

Let's tell Erin that really quick.

It is.

It is.

Please.

It is.

Okay. So when we were filming Parenthood, I was clearly such a grimy bitch.

And also, let me just say, from my point of view, I had met Joy before parenthood. I'm like, oh, this is one of the most beautiful women on the planet. I thought that every time I met her, right? And now I'm on the show with her and we're playing fiances.

Yeah.

I'm like, I hit the lottery. Is this who I have to kiss? Is this former supermodel? So just know going into it, I'm like, I hit the lottery. Okay, sorry, go ahead.

I was just a regular model. I wasn't really a supermodel. But I hear what you're saying. So on this one day, we have this scene where we're gonna kiss. In the lead up to this scene, he has watched me. Cause at that time, I was smoking cigarettes. So he'd watch me have a cigarette with a cup of coffee. Then he watches me like, you know, a little time goes up on craft service. I'm eating a hard boiled egg.

Boiled egg.

Or it could have been either hard boiled or like, what do you call them? Oh, devil. It was either hard boiled devil. Either one. It's like in a pie boil.

Going hard on the eggs in the morning.

Going hard on the eggs in the morning. Then I had like some salmon sticks or something.

She was gnawing on a salmon stick.

To a cigarette and some coffee. I'm missing something. There was one more thing that I.

Was like, those are the four I remember. It was like coffee, cigarettes, fucking eggs and salmon sticks.

And I'm just. You.

I'm watching it and I'm like, this is a real fuck you to me.

He loves it. I know.

What did I do?

So then he finally goes, you gotta pick one. You can't do all four. Okay. You can't smoke, drink coffee, eat hard boiled eggs and salmon sticks and then expect to kiss me. You gotta pick one. And I don't even care what it is. You can't do all four.

I can't do the cornucopia.

You cannot do all four. You gotta pick one. I was like, oh, damn. You know what? My bad.

That.

You know what? I changed my life.

Oh my God.

Changed my life.

Love that story.

Yeah. Cuz for three of them, I'm like, I can't say anything. But once the salmon sticks came out, I'm like, okay, I'm going to have to.

That's how I know that this is my boy right here.

A salmon stick, bro.

He was like some kind of salmon jerky or something.

Sure.

Fish jerk.

Real salty fish.

You can't do all four. You got to pick one thing.

I'm only. Look at the size of this nose. I can smell and taste that.

What the fuck? Pick one thing. And ever since then I'm like, it's only one thing.

My two favorite moments along those lines is like, you're acting together, you're friends, and then you have to hook up sometimes. And so I'm trying to be cool and I say to Joy, like, before we have this crazy scene, do you want to have a boundaries conversation? Like, I want to make sure I don't do anything, you know? And Joey goes, you can do whatever the fuck you want. Don't touch my hair. And I'm like, wow, I'm so glad we had this conversation because you better touch a white chick's hair. She's expecting you to do something. It's like, that's standard for a white girl.

Is like, put your fucking fingers on her, man.

That scene is very nice. So that conversation yielded some learning.

I've lightened up a little bit more.

Okay, okay.

I mean, you can touch it.

Well, and then it led to her going like, no, no, listen. I wear a head scarf at night. That's what it's called.

Yeah. I mean, I guess now people doing bonnets, but like, I would do with a scarf.

Yeah. And she's like, listen, I put my hair in a scarf at night, and if I don't have my scarf on, Dave knows. Okay, it's time. And I go, oh, my God. This is an incredible indicator. Not all women should have head scarves on. No.

But also, I will take it off if it evolves. Keep it on. But, like, I'm gonna take it off. That's just so.

I think this food deliver is pretty. Pretty fun.

I did, too.

I do think you need to have food.

There's two arguments to be made. One is like, now we're so hungry.

I'm so hungry.

Yeah. And we're gonna fucking have so much fun eating.

Oh, my God.

Yeah. We're gonna really go for it. We're gonna have to order duck pizza. Everything we picked up.

Yeah. Wings.

Well, Joanne, love you.

Oh, my God. Thanks.

Thanks for coming Mom's car with us and delivering some food.

This was so much fun. I'm so Sam.