Transcript of AEE 2717: Are These English Phrases Condescending?

This is an All Ears English podcast, episode 2717: Are These English Phrases Condescending? Welcome to the All Ears English podcast, downloaded more than 200 million times. Are you feeling stuck with your English? We'll show you how to become fearless and fluent by focusing on connection, not perfection, with your American host, Aubrey Carter, the IELTS quiz, and Lindsay McMahon, the English adventurer, coming to you from Arizona and Colorado, USA.

I am great, Lindsay. How are you today?

Doing good, doing good. Aubrey, is there anyone in your life that you consider pretty condescending?

Ooh, I do know someone who's really condescending, and he means well. I don't think he intends to do it, but if ever he's talking about something that he's a bit of an expert in, like if he knows more about the other people around him, his tone is really condescending.

Oh.

And the phrases he uses. There have been a couple times where I kind of want to pull him aside and be like, "Yeah."

You need to repair this, is it?

Right.

Yeah, interesting.

I feel like a lot of times people don't realize it, or it happens for different reasons. For me, the triage nurse at my baby's doctor is kind of condescending. And, you know, when you have a new baby, you call because you're worried about things, of course. And I can understand why she is a bit condescending, because she probably gets called, and she understands the difference between an emergency and a non-emergency. But it's kind of, yeah, jolting when you hear it as a new mom, and you just don't know, right?

I have gotten this from medical professionals as well. And I think it kind of makes sense if they're dealing with the same questions all day and the answer seems so obvious to them. It's probably hard for them to keep the condescension out of their tone.

Probably.

When they really just want to be like, "Seriously? How do you not know this?" But for us, it's the first time.

It's the first time, it's the first time, exactly.

Who knows?

So, condescension. I'm not used to using that noun, but I guess that is a word, right? Condescension? Is that a word?

Yes, that's the noun. If someone is being condescending, then this, yeah, they are creating condescension. That's the noun. Interesting.

So it is a thing.

And they condescend to you. It's a verb, yeah.

Yeah, but we usually just use the adjective, condescending, right?

Exactly. Much more common. And this is interesting. This was inspired by an article in HuffPost.

Yes.

"6 Common Phrases You May Not Realize Are Condescending." This is interesting to read through these because it's going to be interesting to talk about all of these. Some of them definitely can be condescending depending on your tone, but a lot of them could also be perfectly harmless depending on the situation.

Tone is huge. What you've said before is huge, right? For your friend that shows up and every time he's condescending, that means next time he's also going to be condescending, right? But if you were a brand new person, you didn't know him, you used a different tone of voice, it wouldn't be considered condescending. So you kind of create a bit of a reputation for yourself, right?

Yes. Yeah, that happens.

Yes.

For sure. And I should share, this was by Kelsey Borreson in July of 2026. If you want to check out this article, we're going to share those phrases and some similar ones that we might say or share and dive into. We should probably first define condescending. What does that mean, Lindsay?

So it's basically when we speak to someone in a way that implies our own superiority, whether that's in terms of knowledge or abilities, right, or, I don't know, whatever it is. You feel like you're above that person, okay?

And that's when it's really hard to not be condescending for anyone. If you're an expert and so something starts seeming so obvious to you, and then someone doesn't know, doesn't realize, that's when it's difficult. It's kind of a fight to keep that judgment, that, you know, that condescending tone out of your voice.

Yeah, for sure, for sure. All right, Aubrey, where do we start here today? Where should we go from?

Yeah, so this is interesting. So in the article, they interviewed Celeste Hedley, who was the author of a book, We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter. And this was really interesting. Hedley said, "When you are condescending, you are putting on a false persona of kindness, but beneath that is a clear message of superiority. You're treating them in a way that shows that they are inferior."

Ooh, that's interesting.

So this is really interesting. The false kindness is sort of separate, right? Sometimes someone's an expert and they know the answers, and then sometimes it's a little separate where it's in the tone because you're trying to hide that judgment, you're trying to hide that expertise with this sort of false kindness in your tone, but people can still hear that.

Interesting, interesting. So why do you think people talk down to others? Like, why do you think people even do this, Aubrey? Where does it come from?

And that's a great phrasal verb you're using there, right, to talk down. That's another way we say of someone's being condescending. You say you're talking down to people. That we use even more in, you know, conversations. So I'd be like, "Don't talk down to me."

Yes.

It means, "Please don't be condescending."

Exactly. We kind of touched on this briefly when we talked about the nurse, for example. They're encountering a lot of information over and over, the same questions. It seems obvious to them because they've experienced it many times, right? But for the person on the other end, they may have only heard it once, encountering it for the first time.

Right, and that nurse might not realize how they sound, or maybe they do want the person on the end of the phone to know that they think, like, "You should have figured this out on your own." Sometimes there is sort of that intent.

Right.

To let someone know that they think there's the reason, you know, that they do. They like want you to feel stupid.

Yeah. We'll have to see. We'll see what happens next time I call her, so we'll see.

Maybe you should put her in her place, Lindsay.

Oh, gosh. Yeah, right. But other reasons people might do it is maybe they feel insecure. I mean, this, we're getting into psychology here, right? But it's a known fact that when someone feels insecure, some people puff up, right? They puff up. They get bigger, and you can see right through it. Some people get smaller, some people get bigger.

Yeah, that's a good point.

So you can see there's some well-known malnutrition at the moment.

Oh, yeah.

I'm not going to name any names.

But yeah, that's true. The more you can see this feeling of insecurity when someone's trying to make other people feel small.

Yes.

When they're criticizing them or calling them names, most of us can see like, "Oh, this is just an insecurity in the person who's being rude."

Exactly. And again, sometimes they might not realize they're being condescending. We've said that would be another reason people are this way. What else, Aubrey? Anything else?

Or maybe they do want to feel superior. They want to feel like they're in control. They want to show their knowledge, right? That medical professional. They're like, "Okay, I want to feel that." It's like all of the medical school I went to was for something. They're sort of lording that knowledge over you.

Yeah. This does make me think a lot of bedside manner and how it didn't used to be important or demanded by patients. And now, in 2026, it is demanded that doctors not only, you know, perform great medicine and be competent, but they also need to be not condescending. They need to be polite. They need to have a good bedside manner.

Well, because once upon a time, there were no other options. There was one doctor in the village that you could call.

Yeah.

Now we have so many options that doctors also have to be personable. They need to make you feel, you know, or you could choose someone else.

Right, for sure. Yeah, absolutely. All right, so should we get into some of the phrases that from the article they believe might sound condescending? And we'll add our own opinion. We'll add some nuance here, guys. We'll show you some role plays. We'll bring these ideas to life, okay?

Yes. So there are six phrases here. We're going to dive into all of them. The first one is, "Oh, how cute," or "That's sweet, that's cute," or in the South, in the United States, we'll often hear, "Bless your heart." These sort of all have the same meaning.

Yeah, exactly, exactly. So here's a quick role play. "I tried to change the oil, but I just made a mess."

"Oh, how cute. We should probably take it to a mechanic."

So this is very condescending, right?

That's right. There are so many things I could say to be kind, like, "Oh, I appreciate that you tried," or like, "You did better than I could do," something like that instead to say, "How cute," or like, "Bless your heart."

Right. And I feel like.

So condescending.

It's so true. And I feel like nine times out of ten, this is going to be a man speaking to a woman most of the time, right?

Yes.

That's what I'm picturing, at least. I don't know.

So there is a phrase of, you guys, I'm sure out there listening, you've heard it, "mansplaining," and that did come up in this article. And women can do this, of course. This is like someone who feels like they know more than the person they're explaining to. And so then they explain in a way that's very condescending. So it's been coined this sort of mansplaining because men do this a lot, not going to lie, but I've definitely seen women do this. I have done, I have been guilty of this, and I catch myself.

Yeah.

But it's true, nine times out of ten.

It's a guy. Yeah, but no, womensplaning is a thing, and I call that out too.

Absolutely.

100%. We all deserve to be called out. But I think a lot of times when people do the splain, they don't know that they're doing the splain, right?

No, they wouldn't do it if they realized how it's coming across, right?

Yeah, yeah, totally. All right, so what else, Aubrey? Is there another one?

Well, this is interesting. So for this, "Oh, how cute," right? If you are being genuine, if you're genuinely trying to express that something is cute or sweet, you could absolutely say this, right? If you say this about a baby or a puppy, it's condescending. When someone is trying to do something and if they're failing, then you are sort of highlighting the failure by calling it cute or saying, "Bless your heart," that's what's condescending about it.

Yeah. I think when it comes to gender, if you're worried about anything there, I would just say ask yourself, would you say it to, if you're a guy, would you also say that to a guy? Would you say that to a guy? If yes or if not, just judge it based on, is it depending on who I'm talking to, the gender of who I'm talking to, or is it just what I want to say, right?

That's such a good point, right? Am I changing this because of who I'm talking to, right?

Exactly.

Yeah, that's true. We can diagnose ourselves, our own prejudices, and try to improve that.

Exactly, exactly. All right, so the second one that they believe is condescending is, "Well, actually," or, Aubrey, there's a paired phrase here. What is it?

It's, "Don't you think?" Yeah, these very similar meanings, right? Let's dive right into a role play and then we'll explain here. So maybe I'd say, "I heard the meeting was moved to Thursday?"

"Well, actually, it's still on Wednesday, but it's been moved to the afternoon."

Yeah. So it's all about when you're correcting someone, right? If you're correcting someone and you use these phrases, "Well, actually," or "Don't you think?" Like, "Don't you think you should do this instead?" Those do sound condescending.

Judging, condescending, "I know better than you do." Now, be careful here because there's a lot of contexts in which actually or, "Well, actually, it's still on Wednesday" would be okay. So if you take this chunk in itself out of this context and into another moment, it might not be condescending. So this is a very high-level episode today, Aubrey.

Exactly. Yeah, if you just say like, "Oh, I'll be there at 8:00. Well, actually, I probably can't get there until 8:30."

Right, right.

I'm just clarifying, right? So yeah, it all depends on the tone and the situation. For this phrase, it's when you're correcting someone or telling them what they should do instead that often comes off as condescending.

Oh, my goodness, yeah. So be careful there. Next one that we love here is, or we don't love, "You're trying your best."

Yeah, so maybe if I say, "Oh, I'm trying to get along with my siblings, but it's really tough."

Yeah. "Well, you know, you're trying your best."

Yeah.

Yeah.

This is interesting because I could see people saying this and being very well-intentioned, but I get that, you know, it could definitely come across wrong because if someone is having difficulty with something, for example, if you've had a lot of job interviews and no success, and someone says, "Oh, you're trying your best," you're kind of implying that they're not capable of doing any better, which might not feel great.

Exactly, exactly. So you're implying that there's a real ceiling to their ability, right?

Right.

And that's not good.

Yeah, and this is subtle. And so, yeah, the person who says it might not even realize.

Yeah.

And that almost makes it worse that it's kind of so passive.

"You're trying your best. You're trying..." So what could we say instead? I mean, like, what should we say in that case to not be condescending?

Yeah, I think just to show more empathy. Like, "I can't even... That must be really hard."

Yeah.

Maybe ask follow-up questions.

Yep.

So yeah, instead of just making this blanket statement that's related to their ability.

Right.

Anything else.

Exactly. Make comments on the situation. Like, with the job interview situation, you could say, "Oh, I heard it's a really weird job market right now. You know, let me know if you want to run through your resume or something." I don't know, offer to help or something.

Yes. Anything that shows more empathy, yeah.

Yeah. Okay, number four, Aubrey, what's the fourth?

All right. "You just need to," or "Shouldn't you?" So this is jumping in with advice when maybe it hasn't been asked for. Like, maybe, for example, if I say, "I'm having a hard time sleeping at night."

"You just need to charge your phone in a different room."

Yeah, so this implies that.

"And I always do."

"Well, it's interesting because maybe, but you've said it in such less condescending. You'd be like, 'You know what works for me is,' or, 'I heard that you could try this.' There are so many better ways to phrase something, whereas this."

Exactly.

"You just need to," or "Shouldn't you consider?" Both are condescending ways to say that, implying that I wouldn't have thought of that before.

I think that what both of these do is they oversimplify the person, right? And same with the other, with the previous example. They oversimplify the person and what they're trying to do and the circumstance, right?

Yeah, I see.

People are not simple.

"You just need to do this and your problem will be solved."

Yeah. It's never that easy, right?

Exactly.

Yes. So better things, again, you could say, "Have you considered? Have you considered putting your phone in another room overnight?"

Yeah. Or, "One thing that worked for me was," yeah, like if you guys have been listeners to the podcast for a while, Lindsay has given me that advice, but in a really respectful way, never in a way that felt condescending.

Exactly, exactly. Well, I'm glad you didn't feel like it was condescending. I was panicking there for a moment.

I think you'd use better phrases. Yeah, you wouldn't be like, "You just need to charge your phone in another room and then you'll be fine."

As you can see, guys, it's all about connection. It's all about the words. The words and the delivery and the context. What you understand about me is that hopefully I'm not a condescending person, right? So you don't expect me to be condescending the next time. So you're going to give me the benefit of the doubt. That helps in my favor too, right?

Exactly.

Good.

All right, Aubrey, what's the fifth?

All right, number five is, "It's not that big of a deal," or "It's no big deal."

Dismissive. Yeah. "Let's not do this," right? For example, "It's been three months since I got laid off and I'm starting to stress out."

"Oh, it's not that big of a deal. You'll find something else."

Yeah. Again, totally dismissing the person's situation, their stress, right?

Exactly, right? And that's not what someone needs to hear, especially if it is a big deal to them, right? To dismiss it with, "It's not that big of a deal," feels really like you just really don't care about their situation at all.

Yeah. "Is this ever a good thing to say, Aubrey," would you say, or "Should we always stay away from this?"

You know, I every now and then do say this to my children who are making a really big deal about something and they are creating more anxiety. But I don't know if I phrase it exactly that way. It would be more like I probably would say something like, "Okay, let's step back and think about," like trying to give them some perspective.

In the grand scheme.

Yeah, I don't know if I would just be like, "This is not a big deal. Why are you making a big deal about this?"

Right, right, right, right.

Yeah, that's true. I don't know if we should ever say this.

It's all about the words. It's all about the words. All right, "You wouldn't understand," or "You wouldn't get it." Ooh, again, this is putting someone in a box, right? So let's do a role play.

Okay, "My brother and I got in a huge fight and aren't speaking."

I'm sorry to hear that.

"Well, you wouldn't understand. You've never fought like this with your brother."

Ooh, yeah, I don't say that. That's bad. That's blatant. That's probably the worst of all of these.

I agree. And I agree. This is another one of those. I don't know if there's ever a time where you would say this because whoever, maybe it's true that they can't really understand, but they're trying to sympathize. They're trying to feel empathy even if they haven't been in that exact situation. And to totally discount their attempts at feeling that sympathy is really cruel.

That's exactly what I was just going to say, Aubrey. There's never a time. We've talked about maybe with some of these, there's another time, another context, another scenario, not with this one. It's a really rude way to phrase things. "You wouldn't understand," or "You wouldn't get it equally as."

You're implying that they're not emotionally intelligent enough to understand and experience that they haven't been through. And people do. People work to build that emotional intelligence, that empathy, that even if they haven't been through exactly that, that they can still feel for you and care about your feelings.

Completely. Especially if they're reaching out, they're trying to help you, right? Don't bite them. Don't turn around and bite them that way, right?

Right, exactly. Okay, let's do a role play where we have a few of these. I'll show how they might come up in a conversation. And here, I have just gone on a date and I'm telling you how it went. So this is maybe us 30 years ago.

Yeah, 20 years ago. 20 years ago, yeah, yeah, yeah. Perfect.

All right.

Okay.

I went on a date last night and I think I really like him.

Ooh. Oh, let me start again. "Oh, how cute. Tell me everything."

"Well, we talked for three hours and I think we really connected."

"Well, actually, you said that about the last guy too, and you remember how that turned out."

"I know, but this feels different."

"Okay. Well, you're trying your best. Maybe you're just getting a little carried away."

"I don't think so. I think it might work out this time."

"Well, if it doesn't, it's not that big of a deal. You'll meet someone else."

"Don't tell me that. I'm so sick of dating. You wouldn't understand. You've been married for ages and he's really great. He might be the one."

"Bless your heart. You're already planning your wedding, aren't you?"

Oh, my gosh.

Oh, wow. This is pretty bad. We cannot be friends.

Yeah, so many of these.

I know, right? After this, the friendship might be over.

Yeah, it might be over. I think I would blatantly end a friendship probably with someone if they were that rude. I mean, why? I don't know if we would have been friends in the first place if we were the type to use phrases like this.

Maybe you're like a distant aunt or something.

Right.

So let's go through these. The first one you said is, "Oh, how cute." And like, this maybe could work if this is in your personality, if someone's like, "I want to date," and you're like, "Oh, how cute." But it also could be really condescending.

That's a big thing.

If someone's like, "I want to date and I'm excited," to say, "Oh, how cute," sort of trivializes it, right? It makes it seem like it's for babies.

Yeah, exactly. I think the problem is the packaging here. The whole, the how and the cute. "Oh, how cute," right? It's very condescending. If you want to say this, you're excited about your friend, you see that they're all excited and they're really high on the event. Maybe you say, "Oh, you look so cute right now. It's so exciting that you met someone you like." That could be okay, right?

Yeah. I would just be like, "That's awesome. That's exciting," right?

Yeah.

"Oh, how cute." Just because it can easily sound condescending, I would avoid it if you're talking about anything but like babies and puppies.

Babies and puppies.

Stick to babies and puppies. I think you're right. That's really safe.

Right. And then you said, I was like, "Oh, we talked for three hours. We really connected." And you say, "Well, actually, you said that about the last time. So you're really taking the wind out of my sails with this phrase." Well, actually, you're sort of correcting me and bringing me back to reality. And you could see how a friend would do this if they're like, "Okay, let's calm down. You've said that about every guy you've ever dated. But how cruel to do that? Someone's excited about a date. Let them be excited."

Yeah, it's just straight up mean, right? It's just you want to let them have that excitement, that optimism, not knowing what's going to happen. It's exciting, right?

Right.

And then you said, "I know, but this feels different." And I said, "Okay, well, you're trying your best."

This is so bad.

Yeah, this is funny. You're like, "Because you really feel like I'm getting excited before I should," right? And you say that. You say, "You're getting a little..." I think you might be getting carried away. Like, "You're trying to get me to manage my expectations because I've clearly come and told you about lots of guys I was excited about and it didn't work out."

Exactly.

But the phrases that you're using, yeah, are kind of condescending, critical, right? Well, you're trying your best.

Exactly.

Good job putting yourself out there.

Right, very condescending. And then you said, "I don't think so. I think it might work out this time." And you said, or I said, "What?"

"Well, if it doesn't, it's not that big of a deal."

Yeah.

And it doesn't matter anyways.

That's terrible.

Especially if someone's been dating forever and they're so sick of the apps or whatever to tell them, like, "Oh, it's not a big deal if it doesn't work out," would be really terrible to hear.

No, yeah, really bad. You don't want none of this is good. And then you said, "Don't tell me that. I'm so sick of dating. You wouldn't understand. Now you're going to bite me back," right?

Yeah, I'm getting frustrated. I'm like, "You wouldn't understand how hard it is to be still dating, especially if you've been married for ages," right? Yeah, this is exciting. And then you said, "Bless your heart." And those first ones we shared are, I think, the worst here. "Bless your heart." I don't know that this could ever not be condescending.

I don't think so. Yeah, guys. All right, so for a takeaway, I mean, this has been a great episode, Aubrey. I'm glad we were able to grab these phrases from the HuffPost, this article. Again, guys, go check out the original article. It's by Celeste Hedley. As we said, we need to talk how to have conversations that matter, right? Don't be condescending. That's kind of our message for connection. Condescension does not lead to connection, right?

Yes, exactly. And I think the two, I was kind of looking over the phrases. And I think we kind of mentioned this, but I don't know if I would ever say to someone, "It's not that big of a deal," about anything they've shared that they do think is a big deal, and also, "You wouldn't understand." Those are two that I just don't know that there's ever a good time to say that.

Yeah, there's never a good time. So just be aware of what you're saying, what the impact is that it's having. Maybe observe people around you if you're not quite sure. Observe when other people use those phrases, how people react, but always go for that connection moment, always go for that positive connection, all right? We don't want to hurt people, for sure.

Yes. Awesome. Thanks for talking about this today, Lindsay. I agree. This is such an important connection moment to avoid accidentally being condescending. That can really hurt a relationship. That could be a deal breaker for a friendship.

Absolutely. All right, Aubrey, I'll talk to you very soon. Have a good day.

Bye.

Awesome. See you next time.

Bye.