Transcript of Trippin' Balls On A Plane w/ Russell Peters | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

This week, I will be in San Diego at the Pachanga Arena on November eighth, and I'll be in Phoenix at the footprint Center on November ninth. Next month, I'll be in New Orleans, Louisiana, at the Lakefront Arena on December seventh, and I'll be in Pensacola, Florida, at the Pensacola Bay Center on December eighth. All the tickets are at tomsegro. Com/tour.

A hundred %.

And welcome to another episode of Two Bears, One Cave.

Pretty crazy news regarding my co-host, Bert's Nervous System. He has some type of nerve issue, neuropathy stuff that they're doing. They're treating him. Right now, thankfully, sitting in for him today is the great Russell Peters, everybody.

Hey. I'm sure the people watching is going, Who? Or why the fuck him?

No. You're beloved, You are beloved.

In the comp, by comics.

Yeah, but I mean, I think- But real people, no.

You don't think real people love you? I think it's 50/50. I think it's split pretty decently. Really? Yeah, it's half hate, half love.

But doesn't that mean that you've actually made it? I could be. I don't think that people who are... Usually, the most beloved comedians are comedians who haven't quite hit yet. That's who's beloved. They're ascending. People are like, We want them to get a shot. Then once you're like, You get the shot. Then the people go, Oh, fuck this guy.

It's like when people are like, Oh, I used to like M&M before people knew who he was. You're like, Okay, shut. Calm down there.

What is, by the way, you are... I've told this before many times publicly that you're one of the people that if I had to say the things that I identify that make up what I am, what I like, I would definitely list hip hop music in there. Then I'm like, Yeah. Then I met Russell Peters, and I was like, Oh, I guess maybe I don't like hip hop because I don't know, a fucking one 100th of your knowledge of hip hop is absolutely astonishing.

Do you know the ironic part? I don't really listen to it. Really? Yeah, I'm generally listening. Just probably classic rock most of the time. Really? Yeah. I love hip hop as a culture.

As a culture. As a culture. Because it's part of your foundation.

It made me who I am. Yeah. Made me dress a certain way, walk a certain way, talk a certain way.

Dance. I've seen you dance.

Dance a certain way.

And I've seen you DJ.

Dj a certain way.

Do you still get on the turntip?

Absolutely do. You do. I thought you were going to have a set We're going to get busy.

No, but I've seen you do it many times.

Yeah, it's fun.

Yeah.

I'll do a party for you guys one day.

What is, because I find this fascinating, specifically about M&M, and I'll say this, M&M, almost like to the point we were just saying about having made it, has people who go, I love this guy, a whole bunch of people that will be like, I hate this guy, like hate somebody. You're like, wow. And then every time there's like... The two things I've heard I've heard about the criticism in defending him. People will be like, Oh, they ain't playing M&M in the hood. They're not... But then every time an elite emcee is in a radio interview, like fucking Rock Kim or somebody. They will all be like, M&M is like, he is either... They'll either say he's the greatest or this is one of the greatest of all time. That guy's incredible.

Yeah, they always say he's in a different lane.

What's your take?

I think M&M's dope. I mean, does he make some flop out? Sure, but who doesn't? It's not like everybody's banging out bangers every month. No. He takes his time. He sits and he waits till he gets some ideas, then he comes back. He doesn't need to do it. That's why.

He does it just for like...

He does it just because he can remind you I can still do this.

Yeah, and I'm super creative. Yeah.

He's a recluse, though. He doesn't not leave his house.

He's just in Detroit.

Yeah, he's somewhere in Michigan. Somewhere in Michigan. I Every time I play Winsor, you play Winsor, I call Royce, and I'm like, Royce, why don't you come to the show? He's like, I'll come. Why don't you call Marshall? He just sends me laughing emojis. I go, What? He goes, Marshall ain't coming there. Marshall's not crossing the border to come to see your dumb ass.

Staying at his house. Yeah. Are you a recluse? No. When I started a tour with you, I should inform people that you're one of the people that showed me how to do this, how to be a touring comedian, how to fucking treat people. You were always been extremely generous. You treated everybody with respect. You put on great shows, big shows. You're somebody who I was like, Oh, this is how to be. You need examples. You have an example. I would tour with you, go all over the place. I feel like you're a bit of an extrovert, though, right?

Because you really I like people. You like people. I like people, but I don't leave my house very often when I'm home. Just because I'm like, I'm never home. When you're home, you're like, I might as well just stay here. I paid for this. You know what I mean?

Yeah, that's true. You have a nice house.

It's a decent one. I moved back to the Malibu house that you came to. Really? Yeah. That's where I introduced you to Big Daddy came the first time.

That is where you introduced me, which was one of the more surreal moments I've ever experienced. That was like one of those, Oh, this is what...

There's these fancy- That was when you were big-headed, hairy Tom. You had hair and the big head.

Big head. But there's these things like when you hear Hollywood stories, you know what I mean? So and so, and then I got the call, and then I showed up, and then they were like, You got the part. It was my version of that where my first special came out, I talked about Big Daddy Kane. Then one day, because I lived in this really weird guest house that I was renting in Redondo, I would always just get voicemails. The phone wouldn't ring. It would just be like, Voicemail? It would be for everybody. Everybody would just go straight to voicemail. And I press play, it just goes, 'sup, Tom. This is Big Daddy Kane. What the fuck? I'm chilling at your boy Russ house. I still remember the message. And then you were like, Yeah, you should come over. ' And I just was like, I have to go do this.

' Yeah, well, you know how it happened? Caine was staying with me, and he said, Hey, Russ, you know this guy Tom Segura? ' But the way he said, I was like, Oh, shit.

' What did he do?

I go, Yeah, of course, I know Tom. ' He goes, He's a funny dude. I go, Oh, okay. He did a joke about me. I liked it. I said, Oh, let's call him.

That's amazing. That's exactly how that happened. I still stay in touch with him.

I still have my Sup Caine T-shirt.

Yeah, Sup Caine. Sup Caine. Yeah, people yell that to me. He says it gets yelled at him all the time. Yeah, that was such an amazing moment. You took me to London.

That was fun. You've done the '02 on your own now, right?

No, I've only done Wembley.

Oh, only? I do. I just did. I'm thinking I'm doing Wembley again next year. It was great. Lumbly is fun. But you do the '02 now just as a revisit. Next year, it'll be your 15th anniversary of doing it.

That's funny. The reason we couldn't get '02 on this tour was Because these things people don't realize, especially with the big venues. Oh, yeah. They're just like, Oh, no, it's not available. You just can't have it. You're like, Okay. You can have it in next fall, and you're like, I'm not going to be there then.

Yeah, they always try to... That's That's the thing. Also, the bigger the name, the more likely you are to get bumped down. Taylor Swift just bought the arena for a month and a half. Okay, cool.

I had a a surreal thing with that where I have this tour lined up, and then I get a call and they're like, Hey, are you willing to move this date at this one arena? I'm like, Why? Iron Maiden wants it.

I'm like, No.I.

Love Iron Maiden.No, but I was like, I'm not just giving it up.I'd.

Lose Iron Maiden?

No, they were like, Well, you get some kickback. I was like, Tell me. Then they told me and I was like, No, that's not enough.

Oh, that's not a kickback. That's more of a, Here's a dollar kit. Thanks for holding the door for me.

Is there a place you hate to tour? I've been very vocal about.

Where did you hate?

I got on the news in Erie for talking about-Erie, Pennsylvania?

Yeah, I was like, Fuck this man. I mean, it's Erie, Pennsylvania. What the fuck else do they got going on? You know who's from Erie, Pennsylvania? I know weird facts, apparently, about Erie. There's newscaster named Maria Sansón that used to be on Fox 11, and now she's somewhere in Boston. She's from Erie, Pennsylvania. But I knew that because there's a porn star named Rebecca Bardot that's from Erie, Pennsylvania, too. Oh, really? Yeah.

Have you met these two women?

Well, I banged Roberta. What's her name? Rebecca, the year before. Really?

Yeah. How was she?

Crazy.

Can you look it up?

She's an older one, so I have a little... I don't like young girls.

I can't see her on our bigger screen. Okay. Oh, nice.

I like them old like that.

You like them old?

Older, yeah. That's why your mom's on the table for me. I'm just kidding. Holy shit.

It's so crazy.

I'll show her one bear.

Nice. Okay. How did you meet the... Did you meet her online? How did you meet her?

No, I don't know how I met her. Probably from Yosh. Oh, my God. If you're going to meet a porn star, it's going to be from Yosh.

He's the perfect conduit.

Oh, yeah.

Has he introduced you to a bunch?

He's a come-toit.

Yeah, he's a come-toit.

He's introduced me to a bunch. I remember one night I had… This was maybe 17 years ago. For some reason, Yosh had brought Joey Silverera to come see me perform. Joey and I were buddies already, so that was cool. But then Rocco Siffredi showed up. Yes. And this other guy, I forgot his name. He used to do these smothering videos for Evil Angel, where girls would just sit on your face until you couldn't breathe. Then you'd see the guy, legs kicking, so she has to get off his But anyway. That's nice. Yeah, family viewing. We ended up me, Rocco Siffredi, Joey Silvera, and this other porn guy at In-N-Out. I'm like, How are you looking at him, I go, Guys, this is the most ironic thing ever. Three porn stars and me in and out of all fucking places.

I know. It was a perfect California get-together. Rocco came to the taping I did with you. He was at that in the Showtime one. Oh, in England? No, no.

Yeah, that's the one I'm talking about.

Oh, yeah, that night. That night. Oh, that night, you went toIt was that night.

Shit, you were on that?

Yeah, I was on that.

I forgot to put you on that.

Yeah, that was- Russell Peters presents or something?

Mm-hmm. Was that 2007?

No, that was '09. '09, yeah. Early '09. What? Okay, but so wait, is there a shit place, though? Is there a place where you're like, I don't want to go there. Just let them hire it. Let them have it.

There's nowhere that stands out in my mind. Really? Yeah, there's places I... There's no where really that I haven't... There's been places I've not enjoyed as much as others, but I don't know. I can't, they're not coming to me.

Now, you're an incredible mimic. You do so many impressions. You can do accents really well. I feel like for myself, when you go impression, it's not part of my standup, but I'm just saying in life, there's things that come naturally to you. You just go, Oh, I could do that one.

Oh, yeah, I do it right back to people if a Immediately if I hear it.

Is there one that was tough to crack, but then you got it?

You couldn't-I never worked on them. Really? No. It either happens or it don't happen.

So it's the same thing.

Yeah, it's like, I'm not going to... Because if you're working on it, then what am I doing? A character? Yeah. I'm really just like, I talk to you and whatever. Even if it's just an American accent, but if they have a wimpy voice, a deep voice, whatever, I tend to just repeat exactly what I just heard.

And for the foreign ones, it's just like that, too. Same thing.

So you just have a great ear. He does an accent. I just do what I hear. Yeah.

But you also pick up on... The whole thing is you pick up on the social aspects of that culture. You don't just do a voice.

Yeah, no, you got it. Well, if you're also doing a voice, your body has to change. You can't just do an Indian voice and be straight like, Hello, everybody. But your whole body, Hello, everybody. Then if it doesn't do this, if it doesn't flow, what the fuck are you doing?

Because this is what they do.

It's what we do. That's why you never have to worry about India working on AI robots because you know how hard it is to make a robot do this? It needs to be on a gimbal.

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No, that one is... Yeah, obviously, the Indian one year.

Have you Have you done India yet?

I've never done it. You should do it. I've done South Africa. Great, isn't it? Yeah, I've done a lot of Western Europe. I've done Hong Kong, Singapore, Tokyo, Macao, in Asia. That's my extent of Asian touring. You've done fucking everywhere.

I've done all those.

You've done the Middle East. I've never done. Yeah, the Middle East is great. No, I have. Well, I've done Abu Dhabi.

Hey, you did it last year.

Earlier this year. This year, yeah. May, right? That's the first time. Sorry, that's my first time going there. Neti Had.

I opened up that arena. You did? I was the first guy in there. That must have been-It was in 2021. It was during pandemic.

Can I tell you that after... They gave me the pregame speech of, Don't talk about Islam. Don't talk about the royals. Don't be fucking gross. I was like, I can help you with two of those, but I'm just going to be gross. You could tell that it's a release. You could see the people, when I'm saying things, actually cheering. They're enjoying it, right? And then afterwards, I'm back in the dressing room, and then somebody comes in and they're like, Hey, some of the royals would like to say hello? And I just was like, just frowning. They do? And they're like, Yeah, you want to come down here? I go, Okay. I go out in this room, and a lot of times these post-show meet somebody things are bare. It's empty. But I get in front of the backdrop thing for the photo, and all of a sudden, there's 40 people in the room. I'm like, What the fuck is going on? Then these three gorgeous girls walk up and I'm like, Who's this? They're like, These are the royal daughters. I'm like, Oh, fuck. I did this thing where normally you're like, Hey, arms around.

You have your arms in front of you?I do that, too.I.

Was like, Hello. I was scared. I was like, I'm sorry about what I did. They're like, No, we enjoyed it. I was like, Okay, am I in trouble? They're like, No, everything's fine. We loved it. We can't wait to see you again. I was like, okay. I just wanted it to wrap up. I still felt scared.

That happened to me at one of my shows in Abu Dhabi years ago. One of the princesses came back to say hi, and she was beautiful.Beautiful. I was just like, What? I She had an all-female security team, and they all had automatic weapons underneath their burqas. But you could see the strap and you could see the gun sticking out. I was like, Oh, shit. They didn't look like girls that are like, Oh, my God, how do I fire this? I They look like, Let's go, motherfucker. But she was really sweet and very… They're very sweet.They're very sweet.And they make you feel very comfortable. Every royal person I've ever met is all the same. They always know how to make you feel like, Oh, they take your defense down because you're like, Hey, don't worry about all the formal stuff.Let's just be people right now.Let's.

Just be people, yeah. Well, you have the best story ever about King of Jordan.

That was cool. That was a cool story. It's my buddy. Then Prince Charles, I met him.

What was he like? Same thing?

Yeah, I meet him at this function in London, and he's like, Where's the Indian Detective? And I go, Oh, he goes, Russell Peters. He talks very like that. It sounds like my dad, almost.

Your dad had that, British?

British with an Indian twang, too, but not heavy. It was pretty good. We're walking me and Prince Charles, and I got my hands in front of me, and he's got his bloated hands in front of him. Have you seen his hands? Yes. They're fucking disgusting. In person, it's even worse. They look like blood sausages. They do.

That's just gout, right?

Yeah, look at that. We're walking, and Camilla is walking behind us. I go, Oh, sir, do you want your wife to walk with us? He goes, Oh, no.

It's like, he's a real guy. Yeah, he's a real guy. He's like, I've had enough of that.

That was the nicest way of saying, Fuck that, bitch.

That That's fucking amazing. Look at those little sausages.

Oh, yeah.

It makes me want a sausage. Yeah, Jesus. Like a nice little breakfast sausage right now.

Imagine if he pricks his finger, he'll flood the place.

Oh, my God. He just deflates. Is that explained? What are they? Is that gout?

It's definitely-It's a circulation thing.

Retaining fluid, right? Cosby. Did I say?

Have you done this for fuck's sake. I can't find shit on it anymore. No.

I like how it keeps saying, Do you want to know about his fingers?

Yeah, it's all click-based.

What is it?

Click with your fat fingers.I'm going to show you this photo.It Okay.

All right, we learned absolutely fucking nothing from this article. Do you want to know? Then it just tells you all the possible things it could be.

So do we.

Do we know? No. But we got you to click this thing.

Here.

Okay, this is you guys. Those are his little digits. He's holding a drink, too.

He's holding water, I think.

That's lame.

I mean, I'm saying water because you know.

Yeah, you look sharp, buddy.

I don't want to get killed by the Royal Family, son.

Where is this? In England. But I mean, is this at a Royal place?

No, it was at a function in London. They wanted me to perform some South Asian cabinet thing. I don't know. Katie Perry was there. I was there. Prince Charles was there.Wow..

That's wild.And.

I bombed.You did?Yeah, I'm pretty sure I bombed.

Anytime there's music, I always feel like this is going to be-Well, she didn't perform.

She was just there, but they were just so stuffy in that room. I said to Prince Charles, Hey, man, I'm a big fan of your family. I even got your mom on my money because it was Canadian money. Anyway. Listen, guys, you wonder why I bombed. Did you hear the fucking jokes I said?

Are you going to Middle East anytime soon?

I think so. Well, if it's still there, yeah.

How are we going to resolve this? You've been there.

Can you fix it? I think we know who needs to fix it. I'm not going to get into that fucking bag of monkeys there. Well, who's causing it? Depending on what side of the fence you're on, you're going to think somebody started it.

I don't know who started it. What do I know? I'm just asking the guy questions.

I don't know fucking anything. I don't want to go down this road either.

What Okay. Of those cultural things-Oh, by the way, I shot my last special in Abu Dhabi at the Attehat Arena.

You did? Yeah, last year in November. Oh, shit. I don't know where it is, but we've got it sitting in the can somewhere. Oh, it's not even-It's not even on. We're just fucking sitting on it. Why? I don't know. Ask my brother.

Should we call him? You should call him and ask him. Should we call him right now? Call him and ask him.

Really?

Go for it. This will be fun.

He'll answer your call. He'll call him and be like, Where the fuck is Russell? He said he was supposed to be.

Is that number, the 3101? Yeah.

No, no, no.

No, the other one? Okay, hold on.

I don't even think that 310 exists.

Really? 416?

That's the one. Keeping it real. Facetimen him?

Should I facetimen him? No, whatever you want. Hello. Hi. May I speak to Clayton Peters, please? Speaking. Clayton, this is Tom Segura. I'm sitting with your client, Russell. You're on the air, Toots. We're on the air. So just giving you a heads up. Don't say the N-word. I just wanted to ask you, where is Russell's special? Why haven't we seen it? Why is it not streaming on platforms all over the world? He said he shot it at the Etihad Arena in Abu Dhabi. He did. We did. And we ran into all kinds of complications on it.

Our financial partners defaulted and left us holding the bag.

And then that led to a whole string of other problems in terms of chain of title, et cetera, et cetera.

We finally put it out for distribution. It's with the agent right now.

And waiting to hear If we don't get any traction on it, watch for it coming soon on YouTube and or a pay-per-view and or both.

Okay. But it's been a shit show. I'll tell you that. We've had a lot of trouble.

Well, he made me call you.

I made him call you.

He made me call you to get that answer.

I told him to ask you where I was to make you believe I wasn't here yet.

Yeah, he's here. He was on time and everything.

I know. I got a text. I was shocked. Amazing. I was shocked. You know what's funny? We pull in at 11:15, and I go, Fuck, I'm dead ass on time.

Dead ass on time, dude. Yeah. All right. Well, there'll be some more follow-up questions with other business inquiries later, okay? All right, man. Take care, guys. Thank you, Clayton. Bye-bye. He gave a very Yeah, my brother gets very businessy.

You know how he gets? Very businessy, yeah. We're the complete opposites of each other.

Yeah, it's a good pair.

You need that. You don't want two people. You don't want me and another me. We're not getting anything done, buddy.

Nothing will get done.

We're barely getting through this podcast with me being me. Now I know why Bert's here, so he could laugh anytime to fill time.

He mean to talk? All he does is talk.

What happened to him? He's sick?

I guess, yeah. But he's in the hospital. He's okay. He's not in ICU. He's just getting general care.

Okay. His liver's fucking up on him.

Yeah, he's had a lot. He had a kidney transplant. Really? Yeah, he had a kidney transplant, and he had, I guess they drain livers sometimes.

I don't know. There's a way of cleaning them somehow.

Yeah, they did something like that to him. Then I know he had his spinal fluid was drained. My back's been fucked up. Maybe you should hit him up. He's had a lot of operations.

I had to cancel work a couple of weeks ago.For real?Yeah, I canceled the whole weekend I couldn't walk. I was walking with a cane.

No shit. And how did it get resolved?

Just I rested it. My lower back was from sitting on planes. Those fucking seats are uncomfortable as hell.

You got to get a bed on a plane.

Yeah. And every time I get out of bed, I'd have to grab the cane. I'd look at it, say, Sup, cane, and then I'd go to the bathroom. I call it a callback, guys.

It is a callback. Wait, I want to ask you because I'm genuinely interested in this. Because you've done all this world, you're like the global comedian, is there When I did Europe and I did... Oh, my God, where did they speak? Flemish?

Belgium.

I was in the Flemish side. That crowd, they were like, I would finish a bit, and then at the end of the bit, they would go... And then I would start the new bit, and then you'd hear very little chuckles, and then you get to the end of it, and I would get an applause. I was like, Huh? Is there-I never did the Flemish I don't think. You did the French side?

Yeah, I did whatever side understood English.

Have you encountered cultures that have left an impression on whether they're really big laughers or they're-Lebanon.

Really? I love Lebanon. I love Beirut. It's amazing. Really? But the shows were always like, it's all Lebanese. There's nobody else there. Yeah. If you're not talking about them, they're like... But then as soon as youMaking it bad.Making it bad.Mention them, bam. Even if I did an Indian joke, they wouldn't get it because I'm like, I don't understand. This is a long time ago, but I had a great time there, though. Really? Have you ever been there? Never. It sucks what they're doing to it right now, but that place is amazing.Did.

Not know that.So good.

And Asia? You've done all of Asia?

All of Asia.

When you do India, because you're also...One of them.You're one of those guys. Do you make it Do you make the show more about them?

Because you have so much reference. Not necessarily. I can pick up local references. But just for that moment. I don't write an entire-A show for them? No.

Can you do other... In the same way, India is Indian people.

Yeah, but India is one of those places where they're really smart. India is the one country in the world, and I'm not saying this because I'm Indian, but it was the one country internationally where I'd go on stage and I could talk at exactly the same pace and say the exact same slang words that we use right now, and they're right on it. Really? Yeah, they're right on it. They're sharp as fuck. That's why they're going to be a superpower in the next three years.

Yeah, man. We just got to get used to it. It's tough. I know if you're watching, you're like, Fuck.

We already infiltrated Christina's family.

Yeah, I know. She's a big fan.

She knows them well.

She knows them well, dude. She lived with a guy. He was fucking stepdad. Yeah.

B-y-o-b, bring your own brown guy.

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I've known you since you lived in Florida.

No, I was living in California.Oh.

You just happened to come back.We worked in Florida.

I was on that really cool system where the improvs were like, Yeah, we'll give you a middle week. You got to buy your own air fare, which is $500, and you'll make $700 for the week, but go for it. And so I was like, Okay, that's how I met you in the Palm Beach.

I remember how apprehensive you were when I first met you.

Really?

Yeah, you were so like... I was like, Hey, how are you doing? I'm Russell. I'm Tom. And you were really shy, almost. Really? But then after a show or two, and I said, Man, you were fucking funny. He was like, Oh, thanks. I was like, I think you weren't sure about me. I probably was-You were a little hesitant back then.

I was probably-You were so young then.

How old were you then? How old are you now?

45.

Oh, yeah. Shit. You would have been much younger then.

Yeah. When I met you, that would have been-2007, '06? Yeah, it was '27, '28, man. Oh, yeah. You're hesitant, you're not confident, you don't know how the week is going to go, you don't know if the Highlander is going to like you, you don't know how the crowds are going to be.

You didn't know me. You didn't know me from Adam. You was like, This fucking guy's in here sold out. I never heard of him. Who was this guy? I'm sure you were like, What the fuck is going on here?

Yeah, that is true. It definitely was. Because when they told me I got a week... First of all, you're just so happy to get a week, period. Then I was like, Who am I working with? They were like, Russell Peters. I was like, Who is that? Then somebody was like, Oh, somebody told me, one of the comments was like, Oh, no, he's great. Then it was like, all the shows are sold out. Then when I got with you, you were like, Oh, yeah, this is just like a warmup week. I'm just running stuff. I was like, Huh? I thought all the shows were sold out. You're like, Yeah, this is what I do before I go to my shows. This is just like...

I think I was just doing... I hadn't started doing arenas yet. I was about to start doing arenas that year, I think. In 2007, I started doing arenas.

That's pretty crazy.

It's pretty wild, right?

Yeah, that's pretty wild.

I'm doing Scotia Bank Arena on December 14th in Toronto. That's going to be my ninth time doing it.

I just did it last weekend. Yeah, you killed it. That was my first Who opens for you? I mixed it up. That show, I brought Jordan Jensen and Jeff Tate. Jeff Tate?

Wait, I haven't seen Jeff Tate in forever.

Jeff Tate's great. He lives in Portland now. He was a Cincinnati He's a Cincinnati native. He lives in Portland. Jordan lives in New York. They're both fucking hilarious. Oh, good. They legit crushed that show. That was a really fun audience. Yeah, they're good.

My city can be really good to people. Toronto. Yeah. Those glasses are really nice. Keep staring at them. What are they?

I don't know. I can't read. I legit can't even see where.

Just pass me in his fuck face? Yeah.

I'm over here. Did your vision deteriorate?Mine.

Has gottenOh, mine's horrible. Yeah.

I think it's the other side that has the name, though.

I'm just trying, yeah, I can't see shit.

I can't see that.

I was planning like, Mom's going to see this thing.

How sad. What a dad fucking moment that was. Where I was like, Here you go, and we were both like, I don't know.

I need my glasses to see your glasses.

I need my glasses to see your glasses. Yeah. Fucking super dads.

Hey, how are your kids now?How.

Are they?Yeah. They're fucking maniacs. Yeah, dude, they're both-The older one's probably more chill than the younger one, though, right?

Yeah. It's like me and my brother. He's the older one.

Yeah, The older one.

They are always more level-headed.

He's more level-headed. He also understands. He just really gets that, here's the exchange on something. Then he fucking manipulates.

Was he 11 now?

No, he's much younger. He's He's eight. He'll be nine in December.

I met him when he was an infant.

Yeah, you met him very young. That's right.We.

Were in the neighborhood.You were taking him for a walk. You got him on a leash. It was nice. It was nice.

I come home the other day and he's like, Hey. I'm like, Oh, this is nice. He's like, Big hug. I just wanted to hug dad? Yeah. He's like, I love you, man. I go, I love you, too. He was like, So can I get some more Roblox? Roblox? Yeah, Roblox. I'm like, Is that what the hug and kiss was all about? He goes, I give you something, you give me something.

That's awesome. Fucking A, man. My kid's five, my son, and he's... I don't know where he gets his shit from the other day. He goes, Hey, he's obsessed with planes. So I picked him up. He's like, Hey, Daddy, I want to go to Dubai. I go, What? Where'd you get that from? He goes, How do you even know about Dubai? I want to see the Burj Khalifa. I'm like, What the fuck? Really? And then I dropped him off to his mom, and his mom goes to me, You know, he asked me if he wanted to go see the Burj Khalifa. I Wait, he said that to me. I go, I'm sure she's coaching him. Tell me you want to go on Emirates first class.

Yeah, well, they hate long flights. I took Ellisis, the oldest, to New Zealand to visit the Minecraft set because he loves Minecraft.

How did you fly?

We flew on some fucking Emirates? No, it was from Dallas. It was a US carrier, and It was fine. It was fucking 18-hour flight. Then I told them about Etihad, and I showed them the little apartment thing they give you. I was like, Check this out. They were like, How come we didn't take that?

For me, they got a point.

I go, Well, yeah, but that doesn't go the route that we did. And they go, If we're doing long flights, I want that fucking apartment. I'm like, Yeah, okay, cool. So then they're like-I like that.

Ls has this really deep voice.

He does. He's always like, Hey, man. But he does. And then the other guy is like, Hey, how are you? He has a little cartoon voice. He's six, right? Yeah, he's six. But anyway, then they're like, Well, where does that plane go? I go, Well, you could take a plane like that to the Middle East or in Asia, fucking Hong Kong. In Japan. And so now they're like, Cool, that's where we want to go. You got to do Singapore Airlines. Singapore.

Singapore Airlines A380 first class. Sweets? Fuck, it was the best. Listen, I'm an Emirates guy, but that Singapore Airlines one, as far as I was concerned, beat Emirates on that one.

It's the best of the best, right?

It's so good. And if you get, say, you and Christina get the rooms side by side, the wall comes down and it becomes one big bed. And you got this giant room, about the size of this.

Then you can just bang in the sky.

You could bang in the sky if you're still doing that to each other. Look at that. See, that's when they got the double set up there.

I like that he's fully clothed. They're like, This is how we enjoy our flight.

I don't know why. He should have been wearing the pajamas. They give you pajamas on board.

Pajamas are nice. It's a real experience.

Oh, yeah. I take my underwear. I free ball that whole flight, too. Why let my balls get sweaty in my own underwear?

No, just let them out. Let them out, dude.

That chair, you see that recliner chair? It has a button on it that turns it automatically. But wherever you turn it, and if you turn the TV on, the TV will follow you. It'll turn with you. Tv keeps moving with you.Unbelievable.Yeah, it's pretty wild.

They really know how to do it.

Yeah, that's good. And the food's good, and the service is good. And the flight attendants all have open-toe shoes on and pretty toes.

Nice.

So for me, it's masturbation in the air.

Wow.

That's cool. I said too much, guys. It's cool. Hey, I just got a text saying, I'm banned from Singapore Airlines.

It's cool that they thought of that. They're like, You know what? It'll get these guys hard. I do appreciate that when we flew Etiad, the flight attendants were all attractive. And I was like, Let's bring this back. It's not like when you fly Delta here where you're like, look at fucking-Oh, yeah.

Now you end up with Delta Burke.

Barbara fucking bringing her problems down the aisle.

The old flight attendants are funny because you could tell they're seasoned. Yeah. You want to drink?

That's how they do it. You thirsty?

And they're real casual with everything.

Yeah.

Taking off now.

It's not like that in those international carriers. No, they're all very professional. It's a whole other level. Fucking love it.

It's good stuff out there.

It's real good stuff. Yeah. Wait, what was I going to ask you? Oh, this is what I wanted to ask you. So it was a thing when you popped. I was like, How did this happen? And I think you and the general observation was that your stuff was cut up and put on YouTube.

So what happened first was, remember when people would email you a clip? Yeah. It would just be audio, even? It had chopped up and they would email people like, Oh, listen to this. And that's 2004. They were doing that before YouTube started. Wow. And so they'd email you a three-minute clip, take you fucking 24 hours to download the thing. Sure. And then you'd hear it, and people were like, I want more. And then when YouTube started in June or May of 2005, somebody dumped the whole special on there. So now people had a video to the audio, and it was all in one place. They didn't have to listen to it in sections.

And then that YouTube explosion, though, made things really change for you.

Well, the file sharing is what just started it. Because February of 2004, I did DePaul University for 700 bucks, and only 13 people showed up. Nice. I was like, oof. I felt bad because at that time, I was like, 700 bucks, that's a lot of money for a show. You know what I mean? Sure. I felt bad. I was like, Should I give them their money back? Nobody showed up. But I gave them the full show. I went back to Chicago, November of that same year, and I did a theater for three nights. I was like, What the fuck is going on? I still didn't know what was going on. I still had no clue what was happening. I was like, People suddenly like me.

This is great.No.

Clue.no clue. Completely clueless. I still didn't even know how to upload shit to YouTube. Do you?

I've done it before, but I haven't done it in years now. Yeah. But your promo shit's real good.

I do my shit on my phone. Just like, Hey.

That's them.

They know how to do that. You got a team now. I don't have a team. Joe Rogan's got a seal team.

He's got a seal team.

He's got a seal team. You got a team. You got the A team.

A team, for sure. These guys are good. But you have your brother.

Yeah, that's it. Team Peters.

He knew what was up. He gave a very professional answer.

He's very professional. By the way, when he called me yesterday to tell me what I'm doing today, he's like, Okay, so you're going to go to Segura, and then you're going to do a bunch of other ones there. Remember, the focus of this is to promote the Relax Tour. It starts in Canada at the end of the month. Make sure you... I'm not a idiot, all right? Yeah, I knew you were going to say that. Okay, so-Okay, well, can we pull up the Relax Tour? Can we pull up the Relax Tour, guys? Did my brother send you any artwork for that? Let's see. Russell Peters. There we go. There we go. There we go.

It's not that serious. That makes sense. Yeah, right.

There you go. There you All right. You guys got that? Here we are promoting the Relaxed Tour. What's your name of your new tour?

Come Together. Okay.

That one last one was Coming All Over?I'm.

Coming Everywhere.That's right. You're hitting the road, bro.

These are just like the...

Get It Ready.

The get it ready dates. Then there's the big ones there.

Yeah, I see that. Can I tell you my big... There's Scotiabank. I see it.

Didn't you just do Calgary a couple of weeks ago?

I did. I did it for the great outdoor-The outdoor, I did it, too. Can I tell you the market that I learned about on the last tour, and I just did it again for them, that I'm like, Man, this is fucking awesome. In Canada? Where?

Halifax.hallifax. Oh, yeah. You don't know about Halifax?

I didn't before I went.

That's where the underground railroad ended.

No. Yeah.

Harriet Tubman took them all the way to Nova Scotia, to Halifax. Really? If you go to a place called North Preston in Nova Scotia, it's like the Black area.

Do you know that they're doing a documentary about her called Getting My Steps In?

No.

No, they're not.

I was going to say, That'd be amazing. Tyler Perry is directing it. Harriet Thummon, played by Tyler Perry. Hey, honey, follow me.

Hey, baby, keep running. Okay, Okay. Wow. But that place is fucking awesome, dude. First of all, it's one of those places. A lot of times, if you're American and you go, I'm going to Calgary or Edmonton. You're like, Yeah, it's just another city. You don't go like, Oh, this is so fucking different. Toronto is like, Canada is New York. It's just this huge metropole, whatever. But Halifax has this really interesting maritime culture. It just feels-It does, but they're It got a lot of soul out there, too. It's very cool.

And the food's good out there.

Food's good. People were great.

Did you buy lobsters at the airport? I did not buy lobsters. You know you could buy live lobsters at the airport? At the airport? And they pack them and make a shipping ready for you. They carry it on the plane.

Oh, did you know that I was on news, on radio shows? All these people got mad at me in Quebec.What'd you say?Montreal. I think I was doing the podcast with nick Swartzen, and we were talking about Just For Lafts, which we'd done many, many times. For people who don't know, that has been this benchmark of I'm for real now. It's a validation thing, too, right? And just about we were just talking about the festival and how in the conversation about it, how funny it was to us that the The first time you go, you're met by a guy who's picking you up who's like, You are in the show? And you're like, Do you not speak English? And he's like, Some, yes. And you're like, But you live here? He's like, All my life? And you're like, How do you not? And then the French-Canadians were like, That is so fucking disrespectful. How is that disrespectful? I have no idea.

I was like-It's great. We got woke French people now?

Oh, dude, they were so mad. They were so mad. They were like, That is so disrespectful. I'm like, Dude, It just blows your mind because what happens is you go there, as an American, you go there and you're like, Wait, we're in Canada, right? And yes, you know that French is also a national language, but every Canadian you meet, there's It goes like, I can count to 10. But when you go to Montreal, you meet people who are so immersed in their own culture that they have broken English. Of course, it stands out to you.

Oh, yeah. Well, now what's frustrating when I went last year to in Quebec when I was in Montreal, they used to have... So in Canada, everything has to be in English and French. But in Quebec, it used to be French and English underneath. Well, now they've X the English, so everything's in French. I go to a café, I go, What is that? Because I knew what it said, but I wanted you to... No, I'm still in Canada. Tell me what the fuck that says. It said pain du chocolat, and I'm like, What is that? Pain du chocolat. I go, No, what the fuck is that? I'm getting so mad. I go, English. Why is this not in fucking Now, tell him.

He's Canadian. You give him the fucking business.

Give me the business because you guys fucked it up because we respectfully put your shit on ours, and then you disrespectfully took our shit off yours. Now, I don't know what the fuck I'm looking at.

To me, the first time, it was beyond my comprehension. I was like, Wait a minute. I would sit with the guy who was very nice, and I'd be like, You've lived here your whole life? And they're like, yes. And I'm like, Well, why don't you speak better English? They're like, Because I live French is how we live. And I'm like, I just can't believe that you're in this country and that the bubble is this suppressing, where you could actually just go through your life not really doing anything. That to a lot of French-Canadian people was beyond.

But that was also your experience. It was my experience. It's funny how people get mad if you say what you saw.

I know.

They're so insulted. I'm telling the story from my honest My Honest Place, and you're fucking giving me shit.

It's fair to hear my version and go, Oh, you're ignorant. I'm like, That's fine. You could be like, Yeah, I'm ignorant. I had no idea. I literally had no idea. Now I do. I've gone back many times.

As a Canadian, it's frustrating just to I watched them slowly push us out, but we have to slowly big them up. I'm like, Hold on. This is supposed to be a fair exchange here. It's going to be shaking hands.

They've come close a few times. I remember-To separating? To seceding, right?

Not really close. Kind of close? No.

They still want the... That would be such a fucking crazy thing.

If they split. You know what? I feel like Texas could do that in the United States if they wanted to.

Texas probably has come the closest, yeah.

Because Texas is the only place when I come here, it's the only place that still feels like America.

Really?

You know what I mean? It doesn't matter where you are in Texas. It feels like that's how I picture America to be. And that picture is dissipating around the country.

What is LA like now? Because I feel like it changed from when I lived there.

It's definitely changed since you lived there. I don't go out. Not much. I don't wear jewelry when I go out. That's fucking-I don't go to fancy restaurants. Really? They got people watching you in restaurants now. There's a lot of follow home robberies. If you're going to follow me home, you're going to have a long fucking drive, pal.

Yeah, out to Malibu?

Yeah, because not only that, I always take different ways. I don't go the same way every time. Because that's to my ADD. I'm just like, No, I want to go this way today. I want to go that way today. I think I want to go around the whole city before I go home.

Yeah, but it's still nice out there, I bet.

The weather There is. There's been a lot of earthquakes, especially in Malibu. When did I leave? I left yesterday.

Are you a beach guy, though?

No, not at all. I look at it, and there it is. The water's cold.

It is. Do you like cold water? No. I like cold water. You do? Yeah.

After the accident? Mm-hmm. Do you do the cold plunge often?

I didn't this morning.

I did yesterday morning. You have one at home? Yeah. Do you fill it every day?

Do I feel it? Do you feel it? It stays filled.

Oh, it stays filled and stays icy?

Yeah. It's plugged into the wall, so it stays.

It's like a refrigerator.

Yeah, it stays at 43, 44.

I've never done it.

You have to try it.

Yeah? Yeah. Do you do it naked?

No, because I don't want to see what it does.

Well, you won't see it after that.

It's so small. It's already not a good starting point.

Yeah, here, Spinexide never came in on that.

No, I got my dad's dick.

You're welcome. Isn't segura a gift?

Oh, man. I do it in shorts, like underwear or a smart truck. But you do feel fucking amazing. I don't know. I know people get so sick of hearing about it, but I will say-I want to do it.

I think it would help my back.

It's good for inflammation.

Yeah. Yeah, that's true. Well, yeah, it definitely gets rid of inflammation. I mean, yeah. If you're inflamed, you won't be in a minute.

You do ride this high.

How long do you sit in there?

Three minutes.

That's a long time.

Breathe.

Yeah.

Just keep Keep breathing. And don't start at 40. Start at 52 or something. Then it just feels like you got a lake, and you're like, whoa. But you can get through it. And then if you want, you keep lowering it. Okay. Yeah, it's fucking rad. I think you'll like it.

I won't be doing it, but it's great to hear about it. I do want to try DMT is what I do want to try.

I got mushrooms in gummy form that are incredible.

I did chocolate mushrooms around Christmas time. Yeah. It's a little bar. It says, take three pieces for a microdose. I took three pieces. That was too much for me.

Whenever somebody tells you what to take, just go in half, at least.

I was like, How much can be in there? It was like a little piece for a Roche. I was the only one on it, and we went to a restaurant. There was 10 people with me, my kids, everything. It kicked in right as we got in the restaurant. I can hear everybody's conversations around me. Then everyone was like, I'm like, I'm like, I start panicking. I'm like, What the fuck is going on? And then people are like, Hey, what's good here? What should I go? Just order your fucking food. Don't talk to me right now. Nobody fucking talk to me. Just order your food. I'll pay for it.

Everyone's like, What's his fault?

Yeah, they thought it was having a meltdown. I was like, Just leave me alone. I'm fucking tripping out.

Dude, I had a friend who he gave me an Oxy, and then he's like, Here you go. He gave me two, actually. And I'm like, Okay, I'll take one, obviously, not taking two. I take one, and I'm on a plane, and I'm like, and I'm just fucking drooling onto myself. I'm just, and I get off, and I was like, Yo, dude, I just took that on a flight. He goes, Did you take the whole thing? I go, Yeah, it's a pill. He's like, Oh, yeah. He's like, Yeah, you should have taken that in half. I go, Fucking, you gave me two.

Why would I think to split it in half? You think one is for now, one's for later? Why would I give me a four-day dose?

He gave me the fucking strongest one they make. I'm like, What the fuck?

What are Oxy's supposed to do, though?

Yeah, it's supposed to... I mean, it's a pain pill, and it's supposed to have that effect. But he also gave me an extremely strong dose.

Like the horse pill.

Yeah, and I'm just fucking drooling on a flight.

Give me the chlamedia pill of Oxy's.

It's fucking so strong. I'm like, You think I was in a plane? How do I crush this thing up? No.

Can I get a knife? Can I just... Can I just cut this pill.

I have to cut this. You have a pill cutter? Narcotic in half. Do you mind? Yeah. This is the heroine in pill form.

Yeah, I did Mushers for the first time about two years ago in... You all right there? Yeah. You want one? No, good. Thanks. What is that? Are you doing...Nicotine?Oh, wow.

Yeah, they're awesome.

I never done it. Just try it. I smoke cigars. I'm good with that. Oh, yeah, you do do your cigars. I'm a cigar guy. No, I did it with a shaman in Amsterdam two years ago for the first time. And? It was cool. I did it laying down with a mask on, like an eye mask. It was a cool trip because you're just laying down and it feels like you're floating everywhere. And You think you're dreaming at first, but then you realize you're tripping. Then once you start, realize you're tripping, you start to enjoy it more because you're like, Okay, this isn't real. This is cool, though.

That mushroom gummy I told you, the first time I took it, I took it during the day before a flight. It again. I was like, I was... No, I enjoyed it and it was like, Oh, this is a nice chill high. The second time I did it, I took it in bed and I put an eye mask on. It was such a different experience with colors and movement. It felt like a proper trip as opposed to the other one where I was like, Oh, I'm just high right now.

Then you're just dopey around the scenes. Yeah. Yeah, it was while I saw myself dead. I was dead in New York on my head on the sidewalk, my body on the Street, and everybody's around me crying. I could see myself and I'm floating away from it, and I'm laughing at them. I'm like, I'm not there anymore, guys. Don't you're wasting your time for? Then the only person I recognized was Crazy from Rock Study Crew. Crazy Legs. Crazy Legs was like running to get help. I go, Legs, don't bother. I just kept floating away. Okay, bye. I just left. I didn't even stop to say it. It just kept floating away. It's floated right away.

You have so many fucking hip hop friends.

I'm an official Rock Steady Crew member. Are you really?

I am, yes. You have a jacket?

I do have a sweatshirt that says Rock Steady Crew and Brown comic on the back. Wow. Legs gave me that when he made me a member.

That's pretty fucking rad, dude.

Yeah, it's pretty cool.

Your friend's I'll tell you when I go, Oh, I wish I was your friend was Cedric, right?

Yeah, he was at my house two nights ago.

I think he's so fucking funny.

Next time we come, now, you got to come over because we have these random nights where people come over to smoke cigars on the balcony and hang out. To shoot the shit. It was me, Cedric, David Justice, and Bentley Evans the other night. Bentley, he created Martin and Jimmy Fox show.

Jesus. Yeah.

It was just the four of us talking shit.

That's great.

Sunday was my birthday. Melly Mel dropped by and hung out till four in the morning.It.

Was your birthday?Yeah.

Happy birthday, man. Four years ago, you sent me a pair of shoes from Brunello Cucinelli, and this year, not even a fucking text.How.

Old are you?54.

I think I texted you on your birthday earlier, Sean. I never got a response. Did you? Let me just double-check that for you. Let's check the tape on this one, guys.

Seg Yura.Let's.

See.let's see. Yeah, I texted you on April 18th. Happy birthday. No. No reply. Then May 11th, I sent you that photo of-Wait, what number are you texting, though?I'm texting the right one.You are? Yeah, because I texted the right one. Then I sent you that photo of you, me, Rogan, Burr, and Ian Edwards, and you said, damn. Wait, are you a 323? Yeah. Then June eighth, I text you and you replied the next day. That was nice of you. Then on August 14th, you asked me what the best hotel to stay in Toronto. Did you stay at the one I had suggested? I did. It's nice, right? Yeah. Hey, Tom just sent me a happy birthday. That's so nice of him. You guys see Tom's Cigar. Tom, thanks for the message. But the Cucinellis were much better. Fuck.

I got to get that address.

I'll send it to you. Okay.

I need the address. So both of our moms are casino moms?

Casino moms. Your mom is Guys, I know you talk about her mental state, but your mom's still physically in good shape.

She can get around. She can get around. Her mental is still there. She's still manipulative.

I saw the way... I saw you... She's hilarious. She's very funny. I love your relationship with her. She's very funny. My mom's still sharp in the head, but my mom... I just found a video of my dad's 70th birthday party, and it was 1995. Wow. I was 25 in the video. And my mom was my age. My mom was 54 in this video.

Wow.

And I was like, holy shit. But my mom at 54 looks exactly the same as she does at 83. My mom just packed it in as soon as she had the kids. All right, that's it. No need to look like anybody anymore.

Yeah, that's what women do.

But your mom stayed... She got a Hispanic mother. She's going to... They take a lot of pride in that stuff.

I don't know. I don't think she puts a lot of effort into it, to be honest. She looks good.

I sound creepy, but yeah, she looks good.

Okay. Hey, guys.

What's your mom's name? Charetine? Charo.

Charo? Charo is a nickname for Rosario.

Her name is Rosario?

Her birth name is Rosario, yeah. Everybody whose birth name is Rosario, which they call them Charo.

I could see how she was a catch back in the day, though.

She was beautiful. I have-Nudes? Photos, nudes of her. That's definitely not her there.

I have that T-shirt.

I have some good ones. I'll send you some better Charo pics.

Yeah, please.

I'll send you some good ones.

How's her feet? Good feet? Not now. I mean, as they get older, they get more... I'm getting fucking weird on this thing, guys.

It's okay.

There's people going, Can you bring back birth? That creepy brown guy was terrible.

Believe me, they're not saying that. What ethnicity is your wife? Filipino.nice feet?

Very nice feet. Really? Yeah. That's actually why I noticed her.

You saw her feet first?

Yeah.

Where were you?

At Nordstrom.

Was she trying on shoes? She was.

I was walking by and I was like, Damn, look at the girl's feet. And then she caught me looking and I didn't know what to do. So I went, I just winked at her, and then I walked away.

And then?

And then her sales guy is my sales guy. He goes, You know who that is, right? She goes, No. He goes, That's a comedian, Russell Peters. He goes, I don't know. I don't watch comedy. I'm like, What? Really? And then, now that I'm married to him, I'm like, Oh, yeah, you don't watch comedy, you miserable bitch. Just kidding, babe. Don't get mad. But keep that in.Oh.

There's Charro.Which.

One?leaning.

Forward.

With the blonde? Or on the ground?

The one leaning forward on the right. Oh, leaning forward. Oh, wow. Yeah, that's Charro.

Trying to see. Do you look like her? Are you an only child?

No, I have two sisters. She's very dark there, by the way.

Yeah, well, the Peru.

Well, they used to just lay in the sun from 9 AM. Yeah. Now, she has some pre-skin cancer. This photo is great because this is like the '60s, it looks like. Yeah, this is definitely back in the day. '68 or something. Her sister Blanca is sitting on the ground.

Blanca is pretty good, though.

Blanca is very pretty. Then her best friend who adored my mother, who died, is... Look how she's admiring my mom. Yeah, she looks like she has a crush on your mom. Yeah, that's Chado Figatti, also Chado.

Oh, wow. Oh, they're all Peruvian women there?

Yeah, they're all smoking.

The one that admires your mom looks like a white girl. Then it looks like Karen Carpenter on the ground . The lady smoking, she's about to rip one right after. I know, she does look like that.

Yeah, that's a bunch of Peruvian ladies right there. Fucking most are dead.

Yep, that's what happens to them.Yeah, they just die.It's the end of the run.

Yeah, it's the end of the run. They just die.

Speaking of which, how is Christina? Oh, yeah.

She's alive. She is alive. Where is she? She's home right now. I think she had radiation today, localized radiation. Then she's like, after four or five, she said it gets tired. Yeah, she gets tired. She'll rest. She'll take it easy today.

What is this TV show you're doing now?

I'm in pre-production. It's been fucking crazy. As soon as we wrap here, I go over to the production office. We start shooting next Wednesday. Yeah, I know.

I saw you had to cancel dates.

Yeah, it's been... Yeah, because I know. People were like, Why don't you cancel that thing and do the dates? I'm like, It doesn't really work Yeah, you can't tell. Yeah, we're shooting in Austin. We'll shoot for about six weeks. The show is basically every episode has three short stories. So remember the old The Highlight Zone? Yeah. That type of presentation, but they're short stories that are dark.

So 10-minute stories, three of them?

Kind of like that, yeah. Some of them are very… It's like one episode, we have a 15-minute story and then a five minutes.

There's no rule to it. Just this is what we plan on doing.

Yeah, exactly. Everything's obviously written, ready to go. We start shooting Wednesday. Excited? I'm super excited.

You wrote the whole thing?

I wrote it. I got a writer's room with great writers. I brought in a bunch of them, and then that room made everything better. Then there's also original ones that came from that room, from being in the room together. But it was... I get to direct a few of them, which I'm excited. Really?

You want to direct? Yeah. Do you really want to direct?

The thing is that this is a perfect place to... Because it's yours. Well, it's also my... It's not like, Hey, I'm directing this movie to start. I'm directing a short story. It's like directing a short film.

Yeah, it's an open mic.

Yeah, so I get to do like... I don't know, the first one I do is six or seven pages. The next one is like, I'm doing one eight-page one, and the next one is six pages. So it's like stepping into that and like, Yeah, If I fucking hate it, I'll know, and it won't be like, Oh, because I directed a movie, I directed this thing. It's a lot of work. It's work. It is work. I'm in everything except for one, so it's a lot of work on that. You're number one on the schedule, too.

You're number one on the schedule, and then if you're going to direct, you're going to be number one and directing. You're going to be beat.

Yeah, it's going to be long days.

I'm saying it in a good way, but it's just people that don't know, the shit is exhausting.

Yeah, it wears you out for sure. But I think I've always loved features, and I love this world.

You haven't done much acting, though, right?

Not much, no. I've done a few parts and things, small parts over the years. But yeah, I'll be acting a lot in this. Yeah. Yeah.

You're going to like it. I think so. When it's yours, it's different.

Big time, yeah.

Because you really understand it. You're like, I know exactly what I'm doing.

Because you've had your shows. I've done some stuff.

I think crazy.

Do you like it?

It's okay. I You know what I mean? It's a lot of work, and the payoff is just not there anymore. I look at it as well. I could stand here and work for a month and a half for 14 hours a day, six days a week, or I could go do a weekend and make way more money than I did in this month and a half of my entire life being wasted. That is crazy.

I know. I remember, I've had... One time, I was shooting a movie, small part, but they needed... They're like, You got to be here for three weeks or whatever. For the three weeks, I was like, Man, they really don't pay you shit. I just did one show, and I was like, Oh, I just supplemented my salary by more than double.

Yeah, it's one of those things where you're like, Okay, I'm doing it for the love.

But that's the thing, you have to love it.

Yeah, if my friends are doing something, they're like, You want to do? Oh, yeah. But if they're like, Hey, they want you to audition? I'm like, Yeah, I'm good. Yeah. Someone so and so wants to know if you want to... Is it an open audition? Or are they asking for me? Well, they're open to you. I'm not doing it. I've been doing this shit 35 years now. I'm sick of jumping through hoops. You know what I do? You know who I am. You want me or you don't want me. I don't give a shit.35 years?35 years since '89.

Wow.

That is-I first did Just For Laps in '96. Wow. That was a good year.

That was when Just For Laps would still-That's when Chicken got a deal. That year? Yeah. Tell people the chicken story real quick.

Chicken was this guy. He was a comical to some chicken. Did he dress him in a chicken suit, I think?

I think he either did that or didn't he have a prop chicken with him?

Something like that. He got a million-dollar deal. It was the last million-dollar deal they gave at Just For Laps. Then he killed himself a few years later, right? Yeah.

It's a good story to end on.

I mean, did he hang himself? Because that'd be even funny if he choked his chicken.

I believe he did. I think he did.

That'd be amazing.

Just fucking...

He's just going for the punchline right to the end.Oh, fuck.I love commitment. You have to commit. You got to commit to that one. You got to commit.

Pull up the dates again. We're going to go because we don't want to let Clayton down.

Yeah, I don't want him to think. I don't want to prove to him that I'm an idiot.

Stay relaxed. Just relax.

It's just relax. Relax. It's not that serious.

I feel like there's some places in the mall called Just Relax.

Yeah, those fake men, they have the really shitty artwork on their board. Yeah. Just relax.

Just relax.

Like they Google, How do I get a logo? Yeah. Then they're like, Here, I generated a logo for you.

I generated a logo for you. Well, Russell's touring.

Well, those are the... See, it's funny because I'm doing the arenas and the club dates in between the arenas, too. It's a mish-mash of things.

I think that's the best way to actually do stand-up.

I agree because if you get stuck in the arena head space and you go into a club, it throws you off.

It does. You're doing actually the right way to do it, which is you hop in and out. You can see Russell all over. This looks like mostly North America, but you'll probably go to other places in the world.

Yeah, next year is pretty hectic.

Hectic once we get into-Let's see, keep going February.

Once we get into March, February, March, it's going to be nutty. Oh, they haven't announced it yet. No, they do. There we go. Good. Okay, not yet. Now, after that. Oh, yeah, they haven't put it out there, but we go international after the Peacock Theater in February. I think it's like Australia, New Zealand, all that stuff. Asia.

The hotspots. The good spots. Go see Russell Peters on tour. You can get tickets at russellpeters. Com. You're one of the best, man, and you're a fucking great guy.Thank you forThanks, Thomas. Thanks for taking me along all those years.Come.

On, kid.It was great. I knew it when I saw you. I said, This kid's going to be something if he shaves his head.

This kid's got to shave his head. All right, I did. We love you. Thanks, man. High five. See you next week, guys.

Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert. One goes to the top as while the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories, and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call Two bears, one cave.

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