Transcript of S4EP3 | Healthy Boundaries Made Simple | Applying the Let Them Theory in Relationships

Hey, everyone, and welcome back to The Messy Podcast. You know the drill. You can listen to this show ad-free and get full access by becoming a premium member on Apple Podcasts or over on our website, themessypodcast. Com, applying the let them theory in relationships. And today, we're going to try and simplify something that often feels way more complicated than it needs to be. Absolutely. Healthy boundaries.

It's true. Boundaries can feel like this tangled up mess, especially when we're trying to figure figure out where our lines are and how to enforce them.

Exactly. So for episode three, we're tackling Healthy Boundaries, Made Simple, The Let Them Theory Explained.

I love that title. It really gets to the heart of what we're trying to do here. Make this concept accessible and applicable for everyone.

Okay, so let's dive in. When we talk about healthy boundaries, what are we really talking about? Yeah. Why are they so crucial, not just in romantic relationships, but in all our interactions?

Well, So think of healthy boundaries as your personal operating manual for relationships. They're the guidelines that define what you're comfortable with and what you're not, what you're willing to accept and what you won't tolerate.

It's about setting clear expectations for how we want to be treated. Precisely.

And it's not just about protecting yourself from harm. It's also about creating a space where you can truly thrive and be your authentic self.

That makes sense. Yeah. But why is the let them theory so effective when it comes to setting boundaries? Theories. I feel like a lot of the traditional advice focuses on trying to control other people's behavior, which we all know is a recipe for frustration.

You hit the nail on the head. The let them theory flips the script. Instead of focusing on what others are doing, it empowers you to focus on your own reactions and needs.

So it's about taking back control.

Exactly. It's about recognizing that you can't control how other people behave, but you can control how you respond. And that's incredibly powerful.

Okay, I'm starting to see the light here. So let's Let me say you have a friend who constantly interrupts you when you're trying to work, even though you've asked them to respect your focus time. What would the let them theory say to do in that situation?

The let them theory wouldn't have you try to change your friend's behavior behavior, it would encourage you to uphold your boundary. So maybe you politely but firmly restate your need for uninterrupted work time. If they continue to interrupt, you might choose to remove yourself from the situation, perhaps by moving to a different room or ending the conversation.

It's about taking action to protect your space and your needs without getting caught up and trying to control the other person.

Exactly. It's about recognizing that their behavior is their responsibility and your well-being is yours.

I love how empowering that is. But how do we actually put the let them theory into practice? What are the steps involved?

The source material we looked at breaks it down into five key steps. The first step is clarifying your needs. It's about getting crystal clear on what matters most to you, what you value, and what you need to protect in your interactions.

So it's about taking inventory of your emotional needs and what you need to thrive.

Precisely. Once you've done that inner work, you move on to step two. Communicate clearly. This is where you use assertive and respectful language to express your boundaries.

Okay, so for our friend who keeps interrupting, you might say something like, Hey, I'm really trying to focus on this project right now. Right. Would it be possible to catch up later?

That's a great example. And notice how you're stating your need clearly and directly without blaming or attacking the other person.

Right. It's not about being aggressive. It's about being assertive.

Exactly. Now, this is where it gets really interesting. Step three is let them respond. This is often the hardest part because it requires us to relinquish control. Oh, yeah. We have to allow the other person to have their reaction without judgment or trying to manage their emotions.

It's about accepting that we can't control how others will react, but we can control how we respond.

Exactly. You've stated your boundary. Now it's their turn to decide how they're going to respond to it.

This feels like a major mindset shift, especially for those of us who are used to people-pleasing or trying to keep everyone happy.

It is a shift, but it's a shift toward empowerment, because when you let go of the need to control others, you reclaim your own power.

Okay, so let's say our friend gets defensive or dismissive when we ask them to respect our work time. What happens then?

That's where step four comes in? Enforce your boundaries. If someone disregards your boundary or tries to push back, you take action to uphold it.

What might that look like in this scenario?

It might mean gently but firmly restating your boundary. It might mean physically removing yourself in the situation. It might even mean limiting contact with that person if their behavior continues to be disrespectful.

It's about backing up our words with actions and showing people that we're serious about our boundaries.

Exactly. It's important to remember that enforcing boundaries isn't about punishing anyone. It's about protecting yourself.

That's a really important distinction. So what's the final step in the let them process?

The final step is release control. This is where we accept that we can't force people to change. We can only control our own responses.

This feels like a powerful reminder, especially when we're dealing with people who are resistant to boundaries.

It is. It's about recognizing that we can't make someone respect our boundaries, but we can choose how we respond when they don't. Sometimes, the most empowering response is to simply walk away.

This is so insightful. It's like we're finally giving ourselves permission to prioritize our own well-being. But I think it'd be super helpful to hear some real-world examples of how the let them theory plays out in different relationships.

Absolutely. Let's explore some specific scenarios.

Okay, so we've been talking about friendships, but what about romantic relationships? How does the let them theory apply when things get a little more, well, messy?

Romantic And these relationships are often where boundaries get blurrier because of the inherent intimacy and emotional investment.

Totally. It's easy to fall into the trap of try to please your partner or avoid conflict, even if it means compromising your own needs.

Exactly. And that's where the let them theory can be a real game changer. It empowers you to prioritize your well-being without sacrificing the relationship.

Okay, so let's say you need some alone time to recharge, but your partner thrives on constant togetherness. Right. How would you navigate that using the let them theory?

First, you'd clarify your need for solitude. Recognize that it's not selfish. It's essential for your mental and emotional health.

It's about honoring your own needs.

Exactly. Then When you communicate that need to your partner clearly and respectfully, you might say something like, I love spending time with you, but I also need some time alone to recharge. Would it be okay if I took an hour to myself this evening?

Here's where the letting them part comes in, right?

Precisely. You allow your partner to have their reaction without trying to control it or talk them out of it. They might be disappointed or even a little hurt, and that's okay.

It's about validating their feelings while still standing firm in your boundary.

Exactly. You can acknowledge their disappointment while also reiterating your need. You might say, I understand that you'd rather spend the evening together, but I really need this time to myself. I'll be back to my usual self afterwards.

This is so helpful. I think a lot of people struggle with guilt or fear when it comes to setting boundaries in romantic relationships.

It's natural to worry about upsetting your partner. But remember, healthy relationships are built on mutual respect, and that includes respecting each other's boundaries.

So setting boundaries isn't about creating distance. It's about creating a stronger foundation for connection.

Exactly. It's about creating a dynamic where both partners feel safe and supported to be their authentic selves.

Okay, so we've covered friendships and romantic relationships. But what about work? How can the let them theory help us navigate those often tricky dynamics?

Work is another area where boundaries are crucial. We often feel pressure to be on all the time, to answer emails at all hours, and to go above and beyond, even when it compromises our well-being.

It's like there's this unspoken expectation to be available 24/7.

Right, and that's not sustainable. So the let them theory can be a powerful tool for setting boundaries around your time, your energy, and your workload.

So let's say you have a colleague who consistently dumps last minute tasks on you right before the end of the day. How would you handle that using the let them theory?

First, you clarify your boundary. You might decide that you're not willing to accept new tasks after a certain time or that you need more notice to effectively prioritize your work.

Okay, so once you've clarified your boundary, what's the next step?

You communicate it clearly and respectfully. You might say to your colleague, I'm happy to help, but I need more lead time to effectively incorporate new tasks into my schedule. Could you please give me at least 24 hours notice for any new assignments.

And then you let them respond.

Exactly. You allow your colleague to have their reaction without taking it personally or trying to change it. They might be surprised or even a little frustrated, and that's okay.

It's about detaching from their action and focusing on upholding your boundary.

Precisely. You've communicated your need. Now it's up to them to decide how they're going to respond.

If they continue to disregard your boundary.

Then you enforce it. This might mean reiterating your boundary more firmly. It might mean declining the task or delegating it to someone else. It might even mean escalating the issue to a manager if the behavior persists.

It's about taking action to protect your time and your energy.

Exactly. Remember, enforcing boundaries doesn't make you a bad colleague or a bad person. It makes you someone who values their well-being and who is committed to creating a healthy work environment.

This is so eye-opening. I feel like I've been approaching boundaries all wrong. I've been so focused on trying to control other people's behavior instead of I'm focusing on my own reactions and needs.

It's a common mistake. We've been conditioned to believe that setting boundaries is selfish or confrontational. But the let them theory shows us that it's actually an act of self-care and self-respect.

And it can actually lead to stronger, healthier relationships.

Absolutely. When we set boundaries, we create a space for more authenticity, more trust, and more genuine connection.

Okay, so we've covered a lot of ground here. We've explored how the let them theory can be applied in friendships, romantic relationships, relationships and work settings. But I think it's important to acknowledge that setting boundaries can be really challenging, especially if we're not used to doing it.

You're absolutely right. It can feel scary and uncomfortable, especially if we're worried about upsetting others or facing pushback.

So what advice do you have for listeners who are struggling with those fears? How can we overcome the hesitation and start setting boundaries with confidence?

First, recognize that those fears are completely normal. It's natural to feel apprehensive about setting boundaries, especially if we've been to people-pleasers or avoid conflict.

It's about being kind to ourselves and acknowledging that this is a process.

Exactly. Remember, setting boundaries is a skill. It takes practice. Start small, choose one boundary that feels relatively safe to set, and practice communicating it clearly and respectfully. Observe what happens. Notice how the other person reacts, and most importantly, notice how you feel.

It's about experimenting and finding what works for us.

Precisely. And as you start to experience the positive effects of setting boundaries, the increased respect, the reduced resentment, the deeper connections, you'll gain more confidence and motivation to continue setting more boundaries.

It's like a positive feedback loop. The more we honor our needs, the more empowered we feel to keep honoring them.

Exactly. And remember, you don't have to do this alone. If you're struggling to set boundaries or if you're facing pushback from others, don't hesitate to seek support from a therapist, a trusted friend, or a support group. There are people out there who who can help you navigate this process and who can offer guidance and encouragement along the way.

That's such an important reminder. Hang tight. We'll be back right after this short break.

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Thanks for waiting. Let's pick up where we left off. We don't have to do this alone. There's strength in numbers, and there's no shame in asking for help when we need it.

Absolutely. We're all in this together, and we can learn from each other's experiences. And remember, setting boundaries is an act of self-love and self-respect. It's about honoring your worth and creating a life that feels aligned mind with your values and your needs.

It's about taking ownership of our happiness and our well-being.

Exactly. And when we take care of ourselves, we're better able to show up for others in a more authentic and meaningful way.

This has been such an empowering conversation. I feel like I have a whole new perspective on boundaries and how to approach them with confidence and grace.

I'm so glad to hear that. It's been a joy to explore this topic with you.

Me too. And I have a feeling our listeners are feeling pre-empowered right now, too.

I hope so. Because remember, However, healthy boundaries are within everyone's reach, and the let them theory is a powerful tool to make it happen.

It's about taking back our power and creating a life that feels good on our own terms.

Beautifully said. And on that note, I think it's time for us to take a little break. But before we do, I want to encourage our listeners to check out themessypodcast. Com for a complete list of all the amazing books we referenced during this episode. There's a treasure trove of wisdom waiting to be discovered. Yes.

Dive deeper into the of healthy boundaries and the Let Them Theory. We've just scratched the surface here, and there's so much more to explore.

Absolutely. So grab a pen and paper, head over to themessypodcast. Com, and start building your own personal library of boundary setting resources.

And while you're at it, we'd love to hear from you. Share your thoughts, your takeaways, and your questions in the comment section below. Let's keep this conversation going.

We're all in this together, and we can learn so much from each other's journeys. So let's connect, let's support each other, and let's create a world a world where healthy boundaries are the norm, not the exception.

Beautifully said. We'll be back in a few minutes to continue this empowering conversation about healthy boundaries and the let them theory. Stay tuned. We're back, and I don't know about you, but I'm feeling a lot more confident about setting those healthy boundaries.

It's amazing how empowering it can be to shift our focus from trying to change others to taking responsibility for our own well-being.

Absolutely. It's like We've been handed a whole new set of tools for navigating relationships with more clarity and confidence.

And the beauty of the let them theory is that it applies to all kinds of relationships, not just romantic ones.

Right. We've talked about friendships, work dynamics, even Even family relationships can benefit from this approach.

Family dynamics can be particularly challenging because there's often a lot of history and ingrained patterns of behavior.

So true. It's like those unspoken rules and expectations that have been passed down for generations.

Situations. Exactly. And those can be really tough to break free from. But the let them theory can help us navigate those complexities with more grace and compassion.

Okay, so let's say you have a family member who consistently disrespects your boundaries. Right. Maybe they overstep your personal space or offer unsolicited advice. How would you apply the let them theory in that situation?

It starts with the same steps we've been discussing. Okay. Clarify your needs, communicate them clearly, and then let the other person respond without judgment or trying to control their reaction.

In this case, you might say something like, I appreciate your concern, but I need you to respect my personal space, or I'm capable of making my own decisions, and I'd prefer to figure things out on my own.

Exactly. You're stating your boundary clearly and directly without being accusatory or defensive.

Then you let them have their reaction. Right.

They might get upset or try to argue with you, and that's okay. You don't have to engage in the argument. You can simply reiterate your boundary and disengage from the conversation.

It's about staying grounded in your own truth and not getting pulled into their drama. Precisely.

You're not responsible for their feelings, but you are responsible for protecting your own well-being.

This is so empowering. I think a lot of people struggle with guilt when it comes to setting boundaries, especially with family members.

Guilt is a common obstacle. But remember, you have a right to set boundaries that protect your physical, emotional, and mental health.

It's not selfish to prioritize your well-being.

Absolutely. In fact, it's essential. When you take care of yourself, you're better equipped to show up for others in a healthy and supportive way.

This whole conversation has been such a game changer. I feel like I have a whole new understanding of what healthy boundaries are and how to set them effectively.

It's been a pleasure exploring this with you, and I hope our listeners are feeling inspired to start setting those boundaries and creating more fulfilling relationships in their own lives.

So as we wrap up this deep dive, I want to remind everyone that this This is just the beginning of our journey into the world of healthy boundaries.

There's so much more to explore, and we're here to guide you every step of the way.

And don't forget to visit themessypodcast. Com to get a list of all the amazing books we've referenced during this episode.

Those books are packed with wisdom and practical strategies that can help you deepen your understanding of boundaries and start applying the let them theory in your own life.

So until next time, keep those boundaries strong, those connections authentic, and keep embracing the beautiful messiness of life.