Transcript of S4 EP1 | Control in Relationships: Understanding Its Role and Impact | Applying the Let Them Theory in Relationships

Welcome back to the Messy podcast, everyone. We are kicking off Season 4, Applying the Let Them Theory in Relationships. Exciting. It is. And this deep dive, we are going to be talking about control in Relationships, understanding its role and impact.

That's a big one.

Yeah, it is for sure a big one. But before we get into the nitty-gritty for any new listeners or anyone who needs a refresher, the Let Them Theory, it's about letting go, releasing that need to control your partner and focusing on building trust and acceptance. That shift could be a total game changer. It really can. But let's start with some basics. What does control actually look like in a relationship?

Well, it's funny because we all think we know what control is. But in relationships, it can get a little bit more complex and nuanced.

Totally. And it's not always like those big dramatic power plays. No, not at all. So what are some of the everyday ways that control can really sneak into our relationships without us even noticing?

Oh, absolutely. The subtle things. That can be really insidious. One example, think about decision making. Does one partner always dominate that process? Oh, interesting. Right. Maybe dismissing the other person's input or just making choices without truly consulting them, that can be control, even if it's disguised as I know what's best.

Oh, that's such a good point. It's almost taking away their partner's agency little by little.

Exactly. It's not just about the big decision, like finances or career moves. It can be as simple as, what are we going to have for dinner? Where are we going to go out to eat? What are we going to watch on TV? Oh, yeah. Over time, those small things can just chip away at a person's sense of herself and autonomy within the relationship.

It's like saying your opinions and your desires don't really matter. Exactly. And I imagine that can be really damaging to someone's self-esteem. And I feel like we're already touching on some other stuff, monitoring behaviors, like They're constantly checking up on your partner's whereabouts. Yes. Looking at their social media, going through their phone, that's definitely crossing the line. Totally. It's like they don't trust their partner at all.

Yeah. That lack of trust is huge. Yeah. And it can create just this really toxic dynamic. And the partner who's being monitored, they feel suffocated. They're walking on eggshells all the time. Constantly? Yeah, constantly under surveillance. Never truly free to be themselves.

And that makes me think about emotional manipulation, too.

Oh, that's a huge one.

Like using guilt trips, playing the victim passive-aggressive tactics, just to get your way.

Right. To evoke those feelings of guilt or obligations. So the other person is like, Fine, okay, I'll just comply.

It's almost like emotional blackmail. It is. And I imagine it's difficult to even recognize when you're in the middle of it.

It really can be. And the person who's being manipulated might start to doubt their own perceptions, thinking like, Am I being unreasonable? Maybe I should just give in. Just to keep the peace. Totally. But that constant self-doubt suppressing their own needs can It can be so damaging over time.

We're seeing how control can really manifest in these subtle ways. Yeah. Roeding that, trust that autonomy, a person's sense of self. Why do people even become controlling in the in the first place?

Well, there's a few factors at play, but I'd say one of the most common is just insecurity. When someone feels deeply insecure about themselves or the relationship they might try to control their partner as a way to feel safer.

It's like trying to create this illusion of stability by controlling everything and everyone around them. Exactly. But that doesn't sound healthy or sustainable at all.

Not at all. You're right. It's like building a house on a foundation of sand. Eventually, it's going to crumble. Speaking of shaky foundations, past trauma can play a role as well.

That makes sense. If someone has been hurt or betrayed in the past, maybe they're just trying to protect themselves from future pain by controlling the present.

Exactly. They've learned that the world can be a dangerous place, that love equals pain. So they're trying to create this protective bubble by controlling everything and everyone around them.

Including their partnerIncluding their partner. But that is so suffocating. It really is. For the other person, like they're living in their partner's shadow. Right. Always afraid to step out of line.

And that's where things can get really messy. Because true intimacy requires vulnerability and trust. Totally. Allowing yourself to be seen and loved for who you are, warts and all.

Iimperfections and all.

Yes. And control shuts that possibility down. It creates this wall between partners, preventing them from really connecting on that deep level.

That's why it's so important to understand the root cause of control.

I think so.

It allows us to approach it with empathy and compassion.

Yes.

It's not about placing blame or judgment, but recognizing that their behavior is often just a reflection of their own unresolved pain and insecurities. It's like they're trying to protect themselves, but they're actually pushing away the very thing that they crave, that love and connection. It's not just personal history. Cultural and family influences can play a significant role, too.

Oh, absolutely. If someone grew up in family where control was just normal, they might not even realize that it's unhealthy.

It's like they've learned that love is synonymous with control.

Exactly. Those early experiences, they can be so powerful in shaping our beliefs about relationships.

Then it's not just family dynamics, it's also societal norms and cultural messages. Oh, yeah, for sure. That reinforce these behaviors. Absolutely. Almost telling us that if you really love someone, you need to keep them close. You need to know where they're at, who they're with, how they're spending their time.

It's that idea that love is possessive. Totally. That it requires ownership and control.

That can be so damaging to relationships. It can be. We've uncovered these different layers of control, like the subtle ways it creeps in, the deeper roots that are fueling these behaviors. But what about the impact? What are the consequences of letting control really take over a relationship?

Well, when control really becomes that dominant force in a relationship, it creates this ripple effect of negativity. It erodes trust, diminishes autonomy. It just fuels conflict. And ultimately, it can lead to a complete breakdown of connection and intimacy.

It's like that saying, the tighter you squeeze, the more slips through your fingers. Exactly. The more you try to control the relationship, the more it suffocates and just withers away.

Yeah, it's a paradox, isn't it? The very thing that you're trying to preserve their relationship itself is destroyed by those attempts to control it. Right. And one of the The worst casualties in this battle for control, I'd say, is trust.

Yeah, because it's like if someone is constantly monitoring you, questioning your every move, it's like they don't believe you. Exactly. So they don't trust you.

Exactly. And it's so hurtful and damaging to be on the receiving end of that, to feel like you're constantly under suspicion, never really free to be yourself.

Then that lack of trust just breeds resentment, anger, defensiveness. Yes. Just this vicious cycle.

Absolutely. It's like this poison that just seeps into every aspect of the relationship, eroding that foundation of love and connection.

As that trust erodes, so too does the sense of autonomy for the person being controlled. Exactly.

They start to feel like they're losing their voice, their individuality, their sense of self. It's like they're slowly disappearing into the shadow of their controlling partner.

They start to second guess themselves, question their own judgment, become increasingly dependent on their partner for that approval and validation. Validation.

Yes. And that dependence is really dangerous. It can trap someone in a relationship where they feel totally powerless, voiceless.

It's like they've traded their own agency for this sense of false security, but at the cost of their own identity and well-being.

It's a heartbreaking trade-off. It often leads to just this profound sense of loss and emptyness.

As that sense of self diminishes, I imagine it becomes harder to set boundaries or stand up for what they need in the relationship. Absolutely.

It's a self-perpetuating cycle. The more control they experience, the less empowered they feel to resist it. The more they give in, the more emboldened the controlling partner becomes.

It's like they're slowly being chipped away piece by peace. Yes. Until there's nothing left but a shell of their former selves.

It inevitably leads to increased conflict.

Yeah, because how can you truly connect with someone when you feel constantly scrutinized, judged, controlled?

Exactly. Instead of open and honest communication, you get defensiveness, resentment, a constant battle for power. Every conversation becomes a minefield, and intimacy becomes nearly impossible.

So we're seeing how control can really poison a relationship, damaging that trust, stifling growth, and ultimately driving partners further and further apart. But what's the alternative? How can we break free from these patterns and create relationships that are built on mutual respect and trust and freedom?

That's where the let them theory comes in. It's a completely different approach to relationships, one that embraces the power of letting go, shifting our mindset from control to trust, from ownership to partnership, from fear to love.

It sounds almost radical in its simplicity. It really is. But I have to admit, it's a little intimidating, too. Letting go of that control, especially if it becomes such a deeply ingrained pattern, can feel so vulnerable.

Absolutely. But that vulnerability, that's where the magic happens. That's where the true intimacy and connection are born. And that's what the let them theory is all It's recognizing that we can't control our partners, and that trying to do so only backfires. We need to trust them to make their own choices, to navigate their own paths, and to grow into the best versions of themselves.

It's about honoring their individuality, their agency and their right to live a life that feels authentic and true to them.

Exactly. And that means letting go of our own need to micromanage, to dictate, to mold them into our image of who we think they should be.

Right. Letting Getting go of that illusion of control and embracing the beautiful messiness of a relationship where both partners are free to be themselves, to evolve, to stumble, to grow.

To do all of that within a container of love, respect, and trust.

So the Our course outlines three core principles of the let them theory. Okay. Let them be themselves. Let them make choices. Let them grow. Love it. So we break those down. What does it actually look like to let them be themselves in a relationship?

It starts with acceptance. Creating a space where your partner feels safe to express their authentic self without fear of judgment or criticism, celebrating their quirks, their passions, their unique way of seeing the world, even if it's different from your own.

So appreciating those differences, not trying to smooth them over. Exactly. Or mold them into something that fits our own preferences.

Right. It's recognizing that those differences are what make them special, what make the relationship vibrant and interesting.

It's about releasing that need to fix them or change them. Yes. Trusting that they are perfect as they are. Absolutely. Even with their flaws and imperfections.

It's about letting go of that idealized image of who we think they should be and embracing the beautifully imperfect reality of who they are.

And loving them for the messy, complicated, wonderful human beings that they are. Yes. Not for some fantasy version we've created in our minds.

And that acceptance, that unconditional love is what allows them to truly blossom.

That brings us to let them make choices. This one can be tough, especially if we're used to being in control?

It can be, but it's also incredibly liberating. Because when we let go of that need to control our partner's choices, we're giving them the freedom to become the authors of their own lives.

Yeah. It's essentially saying, I trust you to make decisions that are right for you, even if I don't fully agree with them or understand them.

And that trust is a powerful gift. It allows them to explore, experiment, learn from their mistakes, and to ultimately create a life that feels meaningful and fulfilling to them.

But what if their choices lead them down a path that we think is harmful or destructive? How do we reconcile that with letting them make their own decisions?

That's such a good question, and it's one that comes up a lot. It's important to remember that letting go of control doesn't mean abandoning our responsibility to care for ourselves and our loved ones. We can still express our concerns, offer support, and set healthy boundaries.

Finding that balance between respecting their autonomy and also honoring our own needs for safety and well-being.

Exactly. Recognizing that we can't force our partners to make the choices that we want them to make, but we can create a safe and supportive environment where they feel empowered to make choices that align with their values and their highest good.

Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is to let go, even if it hurts.

Even if it terrifies us. Because true love isn't about possession or control. It's about freedom and growth. That brings us to the third principle, let them show.

Hang tight. We'll be back right after this short break.

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Thanks for waiting. Let's pick up where we left off. This one feels especially important in the context of long term relationships where partners are constantly evolving and changing. How do we navigate those shifts and ensure that the relationship can grow and expand alongside the individuals within it?

That's where things get really interesting because when we commit to letting our partners grow, we're embracing the unknown. We're saying that we can't predict or control the paths that they'll choose the experiences they'll have, the people they'll become.

It's like we're agreeing to go on this adventure together, knowing that the terrain might get rough, we might even get separated at times, but trusting that that journey is worth it and that those shared experiences and the individual growth will ultimately make that relationship even stronger.

Absolutely. It takes a willingness to let go of our expectations, our need for certainty and predictability.

Being open to surprises, to new possibilities to those unexpected turns that life throws our way.

And trusting that our partners can navigate all of that. Yeah. That they have the strength, the resilience, the wisdom to make choices that align with their highest good.

And that even if they stumble or make mistakes, we're there to support them? Yes. Not to judge or criticize.

Offering that loving and compassionate hand to help them back up.

Because that's what true partnership is about. It is. Being there for each other through thick and thin, the ups, the downs, the challenges, the triumphs that life throws our way.

Yeah. It's recognizing that growth is not always linear. There will be times when our paths diverge, when we need to give each other space to explore different interests, pursue different passions, even make mistakes. Us, and having that courage to trust that those divergent paths will ultimately lead us back to each other. Enriched by our individual experiences, strengthened by the knowledge that we can rely on each other even when we're not walking side by side.

Yeah. It's recognizing that sometimes the greatest act of love is to just let go, to trust, to believe in our partner's capacity for growth, even if it means letting them go on a journey that doesn't include us.

In that letting go, we often discover a deeper connection, a more profound sense of intimacy, and a love that's rooted in freedom and respect and trust.

It's a beautiful paradox. It is. The more we let go, the more we receive, the more we trust, the more we are trusted, the more we love freely, the more love It flows back to us.

It's the ultimate expression of the let them theory, isn't it? It's recognizing that love is not about possession or control. It's about empowerment and liberation. It's about creating a space where both partners can thrive, both individually and as a couple.

So as we wrap up this deep dive into control and relationships, I want to leave our listeners with a few key takeaways. Okay. Control, even in its most subtle forms, can be really damaging to a relationship. It erodes that trust, stifles growth, and ultimately drives partners apart. And the let them theory. It offers a powerful antidote to that control. It does. It's about shifting our mindset from fear to love, from ownership to partnership, from control to trust. It's about embracing that beautiful messiness of relationships, recognizing that our partners are not projects to be perfected, individuals to be cherished and supported as they navigate their own journeys.

And remember that letting go of control doesn't mean It means being passive or giving up on the relationship. It means choosing love over fear, trust over doubt, freedom over constraint. It means creating a space where both partners can flourish, both individually and together.

If you're ready to break free from those destructive patterns of control and create a relationship that is rooted in love, trust mutual respect. Explore the let them theory. See how these principles can transform your life and your relationships.

It's a journey worth taking.

It is. That brings us to the end of our first deep dive of season 4. We hope you found it insightful and empowering. Remember, for more resources, support guidance on your relationship journey. Visit us at themessypodcast. Com. You can become a member and support the show. Explore our extensive library of episodes and connect with our amazing community of Messy humans who are all on this journey together.

Until next time, embrace the messiness and remember, you are worthy of love and belonging exactly as you are.