Transcript of #2552 - Ehsan Ahmad & Deric Poston New

Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out!

The Joe Rogan Experience. Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night! All day! So, there's a new documentary that's coming out on Elizabeth Holmes. And rarely have I watched a trailer for a documentary and known within the first 5 seconds I'm gonna watch the documentary. Watch how crazy this bitch looks. Just watch this. I can promise you that. I don't have anything to deceive you on. Of course I'm not deceiving you. I'm engaging with you as a human being.

Hmm?

Why would I deceive you? There's no— there's no reason for me to do that. Okay.

All right.

Okay, good shot. Mm. You're being real right now? I'm always being real. Yo, she's the president of the Lindsay Clancy fan club.

Yeah, I mean, oh, she is completely out of it, bro. Or like, no, you could like see her like calculating the right moves to make. in her face, it's crazy.

I don't think she blinked. That was terrifying. The wide shot when she's rocking her kid, Joe, that was terrifying.

Oh no, it's the baby crying at the beginning, when you realize there's a baby in there.

Her eyes are so big.

I know.

They're so big. Like, that's— you see all of the pupil. You see all of, you know, you see the whole eyeball and the white all around it. That's kinda weird.

It does look like a snake almost, just like eyeing down, like, How long will it take to eat you? Yes, exactly.

Something that came out of the Garden of Eden.

Oh no.

Good Lord. Good Lord.

Derek, do you know who Elizabeth Holmes is? Who is this monster?

Okay.

Oh, thank you.

So there was a company called Theranos, and Theranos was a completely scam company made by this woman, and she dropped out of college to create this company that's a blood testing company, and they can test your blood by just pricking your finger. Just get a little bit of drop of blood instead of getting a big draw like they have to do it And so they set them up at all these Walgreens, and it was gonna be this huge thing, and she used to wear a black turtleneck and talk like Steve Jobs. Not only that, she changed her voice. Okay, she changed her voice to sound more like a man. We'll get to that later. So anyway, this company, I mean, who knows how many people used their product, and it didn't work at all. Like, literally didn't work at all. So all these people that got blood tests from it and thought, oh good, no cancer, Oh good, don't have to worry about my cholesterol. Oh good, don't have to worry about my— it's all fake! It was all fake! So she was the richest self-made woman ever. She was worth like $9 billion at one point.

And then someone from the company, like a whistleblower I think starts it off, and then they start investigating, and then they realize like there's nothing here. Like the whole company's completely full of shit. It never worked. It never worked at all. Like the blood testing, they used to have to get actual blood on top of the little prick. The only way they could really test you is to do it the old-fashioned way and pretend that there was something wrong with the machine or something. We're gonna recalibrate this, but don't worry, we got this. And so they would just get regular blood, like normal, like they take it out with an IV. The whole thing was a scam, and it took like a long time because no one wanted to believe because they had this narrative in their head. But this woman who looked like Steve Jobs— that's the other thing, girls that went to college with her was like, hey, that's not her voice. Oh my God. Because how she talks, there in that video.

Yeah.

Of course I'm not trying to deceive you. Now I want you to see how she talked when she was talking at these conferences. So she would give these speeches about how powerful it is to be like a strong woman and all this crazy shit, you know, like a woman in business and that kind of stuff. And she's talking like she smoked 100 cigarettes a day for 1,000 years. She's talking like a dude. She's talking like, like someone's in transition, they're taking testosterone. Like, listen to this. And a woman.

Oh.

No, no, this is some lady making fun of her voice. Go to her actual talking. Just go to her— Elizabeth, there, right there, right there, right there.

I don't know which one.

Just go to any speech, any speech where she's giving. Just Elizabeth Holmes speech.

The first video should real voice versus fake voice.

Yeah, you could do that, but then— Elizabeth Holmes, the convicted Trump—

Oh, it's just some guy.

Here it goes. The traditional laboratory infrastructure.

Whoa!

Well, it's wonderful to be here.

I started this company because those whom you raped—

Bro, you gotta hear it, but just go to one of her actual speeches so we don't get any music or commentary over it, because it's crazy how fake it sounds.

It's impressive how much scammers go through to like this. Like, this is like real work that she put in.

Yeah, here it goes. TED Talk. Here we go. She gave a TED Talk. She gave a TED Talk. Like, she knows. To protect the health and well-being of every person, of those we love, is a basic human right. So she would say all the right things, she dressed the right way.

That voice is—

doctoring the voice is wild, because now go back to the documentary, please. Go back to the documentary. Just go in the middle where she's talking. Now play this. Listen to this right here. Right there. You're being real right now? There's no— there's no reason for me to do that. Oh, okay.

It like makes your skin crawl.

Bro, a completely different fake voice. She had a fake voice.

It's so funny to me that in her TED Talk, in her mind, she's probably like, what the fuck, this is still going? Like, how is this still— at a certain point you have to know the house of cards is gonna fall.

$9 billion? I don't think so, dude. I, I think that world is so full of shit in so many ways. The world of like the tech startups and the, the super woke lefties in tech, especially during that time period. I think it's changed quite a bit now. People are way more pragmatic, and it's gotten like way away from a lot of that stuff because they realize it's actually like really bad for business, you know. But back then, as long as you have like the right dynamics— oh my god, we got a strong woman with a turtleneck, like we're gonna fucking make a trillion dollars.

A deep voice.

Yeah, yeah, voice. And she's a wizard, like she's just this wizard who dropped out of college, who's too smart for college, and a female—

They love that. It's the story. Yeah, he's too smart for college. He's too smart.

Bill Gates dropped out.

Yeah.

Yeah, there's a lot of stories like that. Like, yes, you don't need to go to college. Look, he's the richest man in the world. Right.

It's a really good backstory to create if you're trying to scam people in the tech world too.

But the thing is, man, that world is full of shit in so many ways socially. Like, the way they communicate is full of shit. Like, they have these agreed-upon ways of discussing things and referring to things that if you deviate from them at all, like, even though Even things that don't make sense, like, go to that thing that I sent you, Jamie. This is not San Francisco, this is not the tech world, but this is Portland. So in Portland, this couple went to a sports bar that features mostly women's sports.

Mmhmm.

OK? And so the guy went in with an XXXY chromosome shirt on, and they kicked him out because the shirt was making people uncomfortable. Chromosomes make people uncomfortable.

That's insane, bro.

Bro, uncomfortable with those shirts, and so I'm asking y'all to leave.

If I, if I have to call authorities to get y'all removed, I will, but I don't want to do that. No, no, what I, I'm just asking if you would please consider the depth that Why did you let us— I didn't realize it until I— until someone— I don't look at people's shirts whenever you come in. There's nothing wrong with these shirts. What is wrong with these shirts? I have had complaints by customers already. I don't understand what's wrong with these shirts. There's nothing wrong with these shirts. Look at those people. That, that big lady that keeps looking over, you know, that's the bitch that complained.

Yeah, I was looking at her.

She has the requisite shitty tattoo on her tricep.

It is also very funny to go into a women's sports bar with a chromosome shirt, like, because you know—

And get kicked out.

Yeah, you know, you knew that's gonna happen.

But why?

Why would it happen if it's women's sports? Like, this is where, this is where things have gotten so weird. Like, if there's anything that's supposed to be pro-women's sports, it's the recognition that there's a difference between men and women, which is what Title IX was all about, which gave women like What does Title IX specifically— it was like equal funding?

Yeah, you have to fund the women's sports as much as you fund the men's sports.

Right, but that's a very big distinction, that there's women XX and there's men XY. Like, everybody knows this! But you can't say that anymore.

Joe, you're using your logical man brain.

Stop.

No, the craziness is that a business, a business is like, you've gotta get out, you're making too much sense. You're fucking with our illusion.

You're literally stating a fact. There's nothing— he's not even saying anything about the sports. They don't say there are XX and XY chromosomes. There's no facts. Yeah, yeah.

Just XXXY is crazy offensive to them. Oh, you have to leave.

Facts are offensive? You have to leave. I think real life is offensive. I think the illusion, like you said, Joe, I think that's the world.

But that illusion is what allows someone like Elizabeth Holmes to sniff through the cracks, to slip through the cracks. That's what it is. It's like you're already in a bullshit world.

Well, yeah, I think—

you know what I mean?

No, I understand what you're saying. Yeah, you're already living in that bullshit world and then you buy what this woman's fucking selling, which is clearly bullshit.

There's something about bullshit worlds. It's like you're in a cult. It really is the same thing. Like, why does a cult leader— why does the cult leader get to fuck everyone's wife? Why do we have to give him all the money?

I don't know, the rules are the rules, man.

It's like people just go along with fucking weird rules, right?

And, and I'll put it on this, like, it is— a scammer is kind of always looking for a way to find how to make the rules work for him or her.

Oh yeah, oh yeah.

So it's like, 'cause we were literally just talking about this earlier, you heard about this De'Jon Love guy?

Oh man.

No.

The 49ers, the fake 49ers receiver?

Oh, I did see something about that.

Yes.

That is a legend.

What did he do?

So he would go on social media, oh not social media, on these dating apps and pretend to be a 49ers guy.

But he would have his helmet with him in his car. So he'd have, he'd be driving in the car and you'd see his 49ers helmet.

There's a great video, Jamie, can you pull him up, of him like running routes on the beach? It's incredible.

49ers helmet. So he has all these things to scam women, and he got $1.3 million out of these women.

Whoa.

Or dating him.

They don't have Google?

No, but here's— okay, here's the thing, here's the thing, right? He got real— he made enough fake profiles. Like, he's just out here running routes on the beach.

Him outside the stadium.

That's him outside.

He got girls to give him money?

Yeah.

Why'd they give him money?

So the way it would work is that he would be like, hey, I have, I have all these investments. So I have a house here, a thing here, another thing here. Give your money to me and I'll invest it for you and it'll come back more for you, right? And he got— what he got really good at was he put enough fake social media pages up online that when you Googled him, the initial Google AI would say De'Jon Love is a wide receiver for the 49ers. And so—

Oh my God.

And I think of myself, how many times I often just take the first Google thing. So a lot of these women were just like, yeah, why would Google lie to me about this?

He's got his helmet. I'm looking at a video.

He's got his helmet. I'm gonna get a helmet.

Yeah.

That's so crazy! That's all he needs, a helmet, a few websites.

Yeah, yeah, that's all.

And girls are like, take my money.

Yeah.

He had a LinkedIn profile as a wide receiver.

Some dudes are really good at smooth talking.

Mm-hmm.

Have you ever had a guy try to get you in a scam?

Yes.

Yeah, I think so.

I had a guy who was a boxing coach who tried to get me in an actual pyramid scheme. Like, he was explaining to me And as he was explaining to me, I go, that's a pyramid scheme. He was explaining, well, what happens is the more people you get to join up to this, they put in money, the more money you get out. And I was like, dude, do you know what that is? Do you understand what that is? I go, you're, you're, you're describing a scam. Like, you're trying to get me to give you money and you're describing a scam.

It's always the same scam. It's always the same. People fall for it. You got to go get more money from other people.

It's crazy. It's like they always do the same thing, telling you, my friend, he bought a new car. It's a fucking beautiful new car. You know, I mean, he put in like $20 grand and he got $85,000 within a year doing nothing. You don't have to do nothing. Right. And I go, do you understand how crazy this offer is? Like, you're actually telling me I should join a pyramid scheme. Like, do you know what a pyramid scheme is? I had to explain to him a pyramid scheme. I go, this is like an old scam. Like, you're telling me about an old scam and you think I should join this old scam? Are you getting money out? Like, if you put money in, like, how does this work? As long as you get out in time, you can get some money out of it.

Right, or you start the thing.

Or you—

yeah, you start the thing, or you get enough suckers, which is what he was trying to do. Yeah, get enough suckers. And what better place than at a place where dudes get hit in the head all day?

Oh yeah, yeah.

He was catching you after sparring too. After sparring, you walk out of there, it's like— that was when I first moved to LA in like '94. This guy was like, he— I mean, he had me in the parking lot. I got to tell you about this offer. This is amazing. And like, he's laying it all out to me. I was like, oh, I guess I gotta go to a new gym. Can't fucking believe this shit.

Those guys always talk fast. It's always the same. It's like a big spiel.

He wasn't talking fast at all.

Really?

That's what's so like really humiliating about it. Like, how dare you think that this would work on me? Do you think I'm that fucking stupid? And this is really embarrassing.

Well, you just gotta suck her in the right person. There is—

I know, but I was like, couldn't believe that he thought I was that dumb. Like, as we were like, when I started laying out what a pyramid scheme is and how they work and how often You know, they're, you know, like, this doesn't work. Like, you're gonna, either you're gonna go to jail or something's gonna happen here.

How the fuck is the Elizabeth Holmes lady outta jail?

I think she's in now.

No, so—

I think this was all before she went away.

Okay, okay, I'm like—

That documentary, she's like, she has like something like 34 days before she's going to jail and she let Nathan Fielder have like full access.

Why Nathan Fielder?

First of all, I would be like, bro, why are you so close to me?

This is crazy.

You and I are gonna have a conversation a little bit further away than this. You don't have to like literally be like leaning in like you're telling me a secret.

What Nathan Fielder is a master of though is getting people going to that place where like, oh, I think that's their true them. Yeah, he's just not saying no to you. He has no limits.

He also— He'll let you go all the way. Did something very wise right there, which is when someone says something, you say nothing back.

Mm-hmm.

You give them nothing. And because their, their whole game is ping-pong, right? And if you don't— and then they're just holding the paddle. Hi! They just look fucking crazy. You get to see who they really are. You can pretend who you're different. Oh yeah, I would never deceive you. anyone. Oh yeah, why would I? What's the point? I'm going to jail anyway. I'll tell you what happened.

Because that's what she wanted. She wanted him to say something back so she could— so she could— so she just stood there.

So she stood there with the paddle looking stupid as fuck.

Yeah, there is something— there's this guy, you know, this guy named Victor Lustig. He was a guy who was a prolific scammer, sold the Eiffel Tower, almost sold it twice. But he wrote the 10 Commandments of Scamming, and one of them is like, you have to get— you say nothing, you just listen, and you just get them talking.

Mm-hmm.

So the fact that she's not getting anything means like you can see the sort of wall start to crumble around her being like, well, fuck, you gotta— this is how this works for me.

Look, there's no way she wasn't scamming people. Like, there's a bunch of people in the organization that became whistleblowers. Her ex-boyfriend went away as well. Like, he got busted and they probably ratted on each other. I don't know what happened. What happened to her and her ex-boyfriend? I probably shouldn't say that. It's probably legally getting me in a lot of trouble.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Her and her ex-boyfriend, did they testify against each other?

How'd that work?

The dude had a Lamborghini.

He was balling. Oh, he was balling.

Yeah, they were balling! 9 billion coming in! 9 billy, son!

Come on, let's go!

Private jets. Oh, they were living.

It might have— on their end, it might be just worth it to experience that level of wealth even for a second.

No, no, no, no. She's gone away for 10 years. She's doing 10 years in the pokey. And even when she gets out, her life is in danger. She scammed like really big people out of hundreds of millions of dollars.

That's a good point. Like venture capitalists and people who can do something about it.

People who would do something about it too. People who know people who'll do something about it. Like, you stole money from these people, and not just a little, you know. Like, one of the— one of the people gave her $150 million.

Yeah.

Sunny Balwani, former software entrepreneur who met Holmes in 2002 when Holmes was 18. He was roughly 19 years older. He later became an informal advisor and investor in Theranos and then formally joined the company in 2009 as its president and chief operating officer. He left in 2016 around the end of their relationship.

He got more time in jail?

Did he? Uh, yep, looks like it. 12 years, 11 months. Yeah, she got 11 years, 3 months. I wonder why. Yeah, why the fuck? Well, look, they were both guilty, okay? Holmes alleged that Balwani psychologically, physically, and sexually abused her, of course.

Oh yeah.

Well, yeah.

During her relationship, Balwani denied these allegations through his legal team. Those allegations are part of Holmes' defense context, not a finding that Balwani was criminally convicted of abuse. So they were just trying to blame his behavior on her scamming people out of billions of dollars.

Yeah, he's getting Patrick Clancy'd right now.

After the Theranos collapse, Holmes began a relationship with their— with hotel heir Billy Evans. They became engaged and have 2 children. Imagine like having children with a lady you know is going to the pokey for 10 years.

Yeah.

You're gonna have to take care of these kids. Mommy's in a cage right now, but when she gets out, she's gonna be the best mommy.

Yeah, she's gonna—

You're gonna be in middle school.

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You're also putting kids in this, and you know she's a liar. Just to know someone's like—

this is a—

Some people don't know.

Prolific liar.

Some people don't know. They don't know.

How can you feel now— but like, now, how can you feel like your children are safe around her?

That's what I would be worried about.

Well, I think that's a very different thing. Someone who's a versus someone who's a killer or someone who's an abuser.

That look in her eyes, Joe, scared the fuck out of me.

Yeah, it's not good. And there's the other thing that— the elephant in the room is what kind of medication is she on? Federal prison camp, Bryan in Texas, and Ghislaine Maxwell. Oh, they're both in the same place. Yeah, her— I knew that. Um, let's find out what kind of medication Elizabeth Holmes was on. Yeah, see if she was on any of the fun stuff. Any of the fun stuff that makes you happy and dance through a fucking field of wheat. Yeah, run their hands through a field of wheat like they're fucking Gladiator, like they're Maximus in Gladiator. Remember that scene?

Yeah, I do remember that scene. His family also got murdered.

Yeah.

Goddamn.

That's all— they're always in those movie dream sequences, they're always in some kind of field. Yeah, it makes you think that love— like, fields are involved in love way more than they are.

It says, I'm not aware of any reliable public record listing Elizabeth Holmes' personal medications. It would be inappropriate. Oh, perplexed. You're too ethical. Speculate on someone's private health treatment. Too late, we already have.

Yeah, I was gonna say, let's speculate.

Look, I know a lot of people that are on those fucking things, man. I mean, I think a lot of people that go to a shrink and they go, I guess I'm depressed, not feeling good. It's— if they're inclined to prescribe, you're inclined to take. It's a doctor, they know what they're doing. Next thing you know, you're kooky.

Yeah, and I think we've been so conditioned to think that a pill can make you happy that people are like, yeah, let's— let me get on it.

And for some people, man, it's doing this weird thing where it doesn't just kill their sexual feeling, like they no longer orgasm, but they don't have any sexual desire anymore, like ever.

Yeah.

It kills it. There's like a term for this SSRI problem with sex that some people get. Like this lady was giving a speech where she was describing what happened to her when she was young, you know, like she— I think she was in her 20s when she started taking it, and then It's just totally numb, like there's nothing going on. No orgasms, no feeling, no desire.

Do you think that's an accidental side effect or an intentional side effect?

No, it's an accidental side effect. It doesn't happen to everybody.

Okay.

Why, you think they're trying to numb us?

My brain went, man, they're trying to neuter us. Are they trying to neuter us? What are they trying to do?

We've, we've, you know, experimented so much with stuff like this through our military and our government to begin with.

Well, here's the thing. This is one thing that is possible. if you were gonna do something like that, the way you would— if you wanted people to be much more invested in like cultural and political issues, you eliminate any possibility of a sex life.

Mm-hmm.

No sex life. So now all of their identity is all involved in whatever they're doing, whether it's being a right-wing patriot lady or whether it's being a left-wing whatever. Like, you're gonna go all in on that. You're not gonna have children. You don't have sex. You're not even interested in it. So what are you interested in? You have to have a team. You have to have a thing. Do you watch college football? Like, what do you watch?

Yeah.

No, you know, you watch— get into politics and you start telling people what to do. Who out of the people that we know are the most scolding of all political people? It's always people with no kids that are in their 50s, right? And a lot of it, a lot of it is women. A lot of it— no kids, women in their 50s become Not just like have opinions about politics, not just have opinions and positions that they take, but scolding.

Yes.

Like the world is their children.

Yeah.

You missed out. You missed out on having a child, and now the world is your child, and you know what's best for them.

You know what's best for the whole world. Oh my God.

Mm-hmm. I think that's the coolest part about Derek. Sometimes I'll like just have to explain to him something, what's going on, because he's like just— he has little baby, and he's like, that's his whole life. But it's nice.

Yeah, but that's scary what you just said, of like those women who don't have kids. It's like, oh, the world, it's like open.

That's not— by the way, be really clear, it is not all women who don't have kids. There's a lot of women who don't have kids that are awesome, and they don't need to have kids. Like, you could do whatever you want in this life. It's one of the more beautiful things about being a person in America. You have the complete freedom to live your life as you choose. You don't have to have children. But there is something about the people that didn't have children that are scolding.

Yes.

That's weird, because they weren't doing that when they were in their 20s. There's something about when they get past the reproductive age that they get like very invested in politics. It's like, you don't even have a world to protect. You don't have children, so you don't have a world to make better for the children, and you got maybe 20 years left, right? 20 years ago was 2006. That shit was real recent. So you got 20 years left. You'll be 77, 78 years old, and you'll probably be basically dead unless you do something radical to take care of your health, right?

Right.

So why are you so invested in all the other people's problems of the world when your life is a fucking mess? Because you've infantilized the world. You've turned the culture into your children, and you're— that's why they're scolding. That's the scolding aspect that you get, particularly from people that don't know, and men too. From men that don't have children, they get older, they get a— there's a scolding political aspect of it. They never had children.

Hmm.

Instead of just like having opinions on things and being able to debate your opinions, why you think that way, there's a scolding of people who disagree.

Why don't you think like I think?

Yes. It's also— it's an— you're intimidating people, trying to get them to be afraid of disagreeing with you. There's part of that too. It's part of the, the very aggressive, like, insults about people that disagree with you. Part of what you're doing is you're trying to force people to self-censor. You're forcing people to go along with your perspective instead of just, like, effectively arguing your perspective. What you're doing is you're attacking the people who don't agree with your perspective, which, I mean, it's— sometimes it's great because it's funny, you know, if you could do it funny.

Yeah.

If you're really good at it, if it's, like, genuinely funny. But there's a weird fucking mean-heartedness to it where you other people that disagree with you instead of like saying things in a way that would perhaps convince them to listen to you a little bit. Like, maybe you have a point. Maybe they have a point.

Yeah, there's nothing that's gonna make people turn off more than like calling them a Nazi, which has been a big thing. It's like, if they disagree with me, they're a Nazi, which ironically is a pretty Nazi ideology in and of itself.

It is.

Yeah, ironically, that's how they thought.

But I don't like Nazis.

That's so true.

If you don't like— you're a bad person. If you disagree, you're a bad person. You're right, the scolding, like you don't get to just disagree with anyone.

Yeah, and they're also not engaging with people.

No, it's not a conversation.

It's not a conversation. And if they did have a conversation on it, there's like, there's other perspectives, man. There's other perspectives. And this perspective that one side is good and one side is bad in this country is crazy. It's so dumb. It's such a bad way to approach the reality of our current situation, because the reality of our current situation is complicated, and it has been definitely influenced by government organizations and poisoned in a way where they benefit from us being at each other's throats.

Mm-hmm.

So if you really like government overreach, keep doing that shit. If you really want people that are, you know, in some fucking Pentagon building deciding, you know, what, what goes on in our society, keep behaving that way. You're giving these people— that's what The— like, if you were the government, it's a fucking common phrase: divide and conquer. Divide and conquer is the most common strategy. Yeah, because if you can get the people fighting with each other, and then you just fucking storm in and take over.

You don't have to storm in. They'll let you take— they'll just give you pieces.

Well, that's what's happening.

Yeah, in terms of like, this will fuck over the other side, so just give the government more and more control.

They're kicking people out of bars for X, X, XY shirts. This is getting crazy.

It's crazy. We're fighting over if a lady killed her kids and there's a fight over it.

Bro, there's—

So it's like, what's going on?

I want to know how those women knew to wear pink. How did they decide?

How many of them had kids?

How much USAID money was involved? Like, what? Do you want to talk about divide and conquer?

Yeah.

Like, that's a great divide and conquer. Organize hundreds of women who are out of their fucking minds to wear pink shirts and stand outside of a courthouse where a woman who one at a time strangled her kids with an exercise cable.

They brought their kids. There are women out there holding their kids up.

Like a sacrifice.

Like Michael Jackson.

This is a psyop. This is a psyop.

It's a psyop.

If it's not a psyop, I'm disappointed in our government.

It's gotta be a psyop.

It has to be a psyop.

Oh man.

That Lindsay Clancy thing has to be a psyop. And by psyop, understand this, it doesn't mean that those people involved all know it's bullshit. It means that you have targeted some of the dumbest, craziest bitches alive life, and you have organized them in some way and got them to that point. Because the idea that they did it all by themselves without anybody from the outside saying, you know what would be great?

Yeah, you know who really did it? Yeah, you're right. Somebody did organize that.

And it's even more terrifying to me if that's not true. If it's an actual organic— that means the government—

A grassroots organization.

They can step back because we're doing the work for Like, we're so out of our fucking minds that we're doing the work for them.

Well, yeah, and we've started doing that for sure, 'cause now I've seen like women who I know be like, come out as super pro-Clancy, and it's like, whoa.

Oh yeah, that's what scared me, is that they're— 'cause you think they're not real women, Joe, and there's women in my life where I'm like, whoa, this is really happening.

Do those women have children?

Yes.

That's so crazy.

It's scary.

That's so scary.

I also wanna see a Venn diagram of all these white ladies who would like, who like spent the last, like since COVID or whatever, preaching about white privilege, and then how many of them are still for Lindsay Clancy? Because to me, I look at that, it's like, well, this is the most white privilege thing I've ever seen in my fucking life, right? She murdered 3 of her kids and you're like, she should— a lot of people think she should just get away with it.

The crazy thing is, could you imagine any men standing outside of the courtroom of a man who strangled his 3 sons or his 3 daughters or whatever?

Just— no.

Can you imagine?

Kill that. Already I'm like, that man's gotta go.

That man's gotta go. Especially you, you have a child now, you understand the feeling. That man cannot be a part Jim Brewer said this to me once, and I'll never forget it. He goes, once I had kids, I really understood murder.

Ooh.

I was like, ooh, you know, as a person who also has kids, I'm like, right? Yeah, I know.

I didn't know how rage— one night in our apartment, somebody yelled. Our baby was crying, like 3 AM, and I saw, you know, we got a balcony, so baby's just crying on the balcony. I'm just going outside trying to do anything at this point just to calm her down, and I didn't know where it came from. I was like, shut that fucking baby up!

Oh my God.

I didn't know I could get that mad.

Oh my God.

I didn't know, I was ready to kill a guy. I was ready to go door to door to find the guy to be like, bro, you out of your fucking mind. So I get what you're saying, and I called my wife, I was like, you gotta get the baby out of my hands. I was like, why? 'Cause I'm about to go kill it. I don't know what's going on.

People who don't have babies have such a different feeling than when babies are crying. Like, if I would be on a plane and a baby would be crying when I was young, I'd be like, oh no, I'm never gonna sleep. This sucks. Fucking baby, shut that baby up. I wouldn't obviously say it, but you know, be like, God, this baby's annoying. Now if I'm on a plane and a baby's crying, I'm like, oh, what's up, sweetie? What happened? It's okay. Do your nose hurt? Do your ears hurt? Because like their ears get stopped up.

Yeah, well, yeah, because you— well, you guys have also been the guy with the baby on the plane and you truly understand what that's like. It's not like you want the baby to cry.

No, no, no, you're right.

It's such a different feeling. But man, you're right, I never experienced— that was the first time I experienced like real I was like, oh wow, this is rage. I've never felt— I'm a pretty calm guy. I'm pretty chill. But that was like, oh, this is actual rage. I'm like, I feel out of control angry right now. Yeah.

Yeah, it's rough.

So why do you think they should have a baby?

It's like, that's one of the things that's where it's really good for people to have children, because you have children, then you have a level of empathy that's just different. You have a level of feeling. It's just different. It just changes you as a person. Like, you're a different person after you have a kid. If you're a good person, you're paying attention, if you're nice, if you're kind, if you, you know, you understand love, you're like, you're like, God, I can't believe I love someone so much. Yeah, it's like, it's a different feeling. It's a fucking completely different feeling, and it changes your, you know, for lack of a better term, changes your heart. It changes like who you are as a person.

Yes, how soft. Yeah, I realized I could be.

Or how hard you could be if like some shit went down and someone's trying to hurt your little kid. Yeah, it's, it's a weird feeling, man. It's like you have a mama bear feeling, and women get it where they can pick cars up off of fucking kids. That's why this Lindsay Clancy thing is so disturbing, is because I just don't understand what anybody— I've tried so hard to look at it from the perspective of someone defending her, and I don't get it. Like, what is the key argument? That she was asking for help? I heard that one.

Yep.

And I heard that she was on a bunch of different medications, but then I also heard that refuted. Did I send you that text? Did I send you a tweet about someone on Twitter who is like explaining how many misconceptions there are about how many medications there are? And then they went over all the Google searches that she made about how to kill people.

Mm-hmm, the Google searches.

And yeah, and then the time it took.

The sending the husband out. That's where all those things are like, that's just so calculated.

It's not a—

so calculated and premeditated.

This is so crazy.

I—

on your phone, like online, you're like—

you're—

there is so much like don't have kids, anti-kids messaging that's coming your way constantly. And it's like, as someone— I'm single and someone who's in the apps— so many of like, they're like never want children, don't want kids, trying to live that deep life.

Why are you in the apps? You must be meeting the ladies after shows. You're a funny dude, man. You're funny.

You know what's so funny? I don't like after—

after— You don't like meeting fans?

No, I don't like meeting fans. Yeah, after Mothership too, I'm hanging with the boys usually. It's like, if I'm meeting girls after shows, it's usually on the road. It's not so much at Mothership.

The Mothership is built for comedians. You'd have to go out of your way to go hit on women. It ain't like The Comedy Store where you step out and there's just women.

There's no patio area.

There's no patio area.

Which is probably really good for our lawsuits.

Yes.

In this day and age. But when I worked at the store, most of the numbers I'd get would be from the patio.

You know, we almost put a bar in the Ooh, that would have been— yeah, we were going to build out the roof and we're gonna like— we had this whole setup, but I had a vision of some drunk open micer going over the top of the wall because the wall was only like 4 feet high. And I was like, some dumb motherfucker's gonna try to sit up there and they're gonna fucking splatter their brains.

Right.

Nope. And I was like, immediately, uh-uh, we're not doing this. It just wasn't set— it just like wasn't set up right. Like, if we wanted to do it, I would want like a fucking suicide net around the outside. I like the golden gate bridge or whatever. I've seen some of these employees— I've been in Mitzi's and seen these people fucking plastered. I'm like, okay, thank God for fucking Ubers. Yeah, because these guys are fucking hammered. And I've— sometimes I forget, you know, but like the early days of The Comedy Store, if there was a rooftop bar, we'd have so many dead people.

Everybody.

So many people were like piss drunk where they couldn't stand.

Just wasted off like a terrible set too.

Oh, also that. I got some mushrooms in me and now I'm on the roof.

Yeah, there was a guy who jumped off the roof next door, right, during the strike.

The big— that was the big— Lubeckin. That's the big story.

Oh, apparently he wasn't even very good.

He wasn't. Apparently his diary was crazy. It was all about how he looked. He was asking his parents for money so he could be famous comedian. And I remember this in the thing, it was all about like, so I can get my teeth done and my face changed and the plastic surgery on my chin. And it was like nothing about comedy. And it was like, oh, so this guy was a crazy person. This had nothing to do with comedy.

Yeah, I know a guy who went a little nutty that way. He got a bunch of— he got pec implants, he got a bunch of stuff done.

It's like, all like the fillers and stuff age super poorly too.

Well, this was a long time ago, but this guy was like— this was in the sitcom era, and this guy was obsessed with getting a sitcom. Good comic too. I don't wanna say his name. You know, he's not with us anymore. But it was, it was weird watching him, like, weird stuff. Like pec implants are crazy.

Yeah, man, for a man, what the fuck? Do push-ups, brother.

That's natural pec implants.

Natural pec implants. Weird.

You decide to get plastic shoved into your, your breasts.

Your tits like a fucking lady.

Nuts, nuts. And it just makes them poke out a little more. Well, yeah, it is surgery, son.

It is ironic to say with me choosing to have this face, but like people do put like way too much— like it'll be interesting watching an artist put like way too much on their looks, and it's like, well, the art first, looks later. Like the look does matter in some way, but it's not the thing.

We're in a different era though, man. You have to understand that era was— the motivations were very different. There was 2 giant motivations. There was get a late-night talk show Hopefully The Tonight Show, because then you're the king.

Mm-hmm.

Because there can only be one king. Yeah, it was Johnny Carson, and then it's whoever took Johnny Carson's place. And then it was Letterman, was like the cool guy. He was like the cool late-night guy. He was like, if you were like smarter, you went to college, you watch Letterman. And if you were like really appreciated comedy, you watch Letterman because he got like some of the best comics on. He had Kinison on.

Yes.

When Kinison debuted.

It was a famous one.

But then there was a sitcom, and the sitcom was the giant carrot because the sitcom could make you Jerry Seinfeld rich. Jerry Seinfeld, I don't know what he's worth. I don't wanna say what he's worth. Probably worth close to a billion dollars.

Gotta be.

Like, he got that syndication money, you know, like Kevin James. You get that syndication money, that's a different animal, man. That's— you own the show and you get that syndication money, that's a different animal. It's only for the people that own the show. Like, I don't— I never got that kind of money from NewsRadio. But if you owned it, you got beaucoup dinero because they played that shit on all these different local channels all across the country. So that shit was on at 5 o'clock in Milwaukee and 7 o'clock in San Francisco and 8 o'clock in Chicago. It was everywhere. So Seinfeld was just raking it in. So everybody had that dream. That was the big dream. And that dream, you know, well, you know, he's not the best-looking guy. Like, fuck! You go home, you're like, what do I gotta do? I'm gonna get a hairpiece. I'm gonna get my eyes done. I'm gonna get my fucking— I'm gonna get this. I'm gonna get contacts. I'll get LASIK. I'll get my teeth. I'll get my fucking this. Ta-da-da!

Yeah, because you hear way less of that nowadays. Yeah, that seems like if you were trying to be on TV, it would be your whole thing. I gotta get my teeth, I gotta get my nose.

That's why I got hair transplants. I was panicking. I was panicking because I was on a sitcom, my hair's falling out. I'm like, oh no. And I was using minoxidil. Minoxidil's keeping it, but it was like, it was like I was on the path, like 100%. I was on the path to being a baldy.

I knew it.

I knew it. I was like, fuck, I just started to make some money.

Damn, how old were you?

27.

Oh, that's— yeah, I was 19. You just have to sort of accept it at 19.

Yours was falling out at 19?

It was falling out at 19. I was getting hairline jokes in college.

Well, mine was falling out earlier, but like by that age it was like becoming a problem. Like when I was like 27, 28, I was like, ooh, this is gonna be a problem. Yeah, but it's like that carrot was dangled over people's heads wasn't the art back then. It's such a different world now with Netflix. With Netflix and YouTube, it's such a different world.

And Instagram. It's just—

and podcasts.

It's— and yeah, it's a clip game now. That's what the game has become.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, but it's still like, what's most important is what you said, like the quality of the stuff that you do. And sometimes the quantity can overwhelm the quality where it like waters it down. Like you put out so many clips, so many— like people maybe don't want to see you now. Like, like, what you're doing should be— whatever you put out should be groovy. It should be something you really dig, you know? It's like you got to play this pros and cons game. There's pros of having yourself out there constantly all the time, but it's also like, you look a little needy. Yeah, bro, you post 8 clips in a day. That's kind of crazy.

And they're all trying to catch the algorithm. You're not even posting something where you're like, oh, you made some cool thing that you really like and you think, like you said, this is cool. A lot of it's not that. A lot of it's like, what can I get into this algorithm that will get it going?

You know what's really weird? When people delete a post and then repost it again like a week later.

Oh yeah, well there's all these sort of games you can do now.

It's a game now.

It's a game now, Joe.

It used to be like, when Instagram first came out, the people who followed you got to see your stuff. But now you post something and it doesn't get any likes, you can be pretty confident that no one saw it and you can just keep going until maybe it hits. That's because that's the game, and it's like the more you're in the algorithm, the more you're sort of selling tickets if you're one of these sort of new comics coming up.

I mean, I guess that's just— I'm taking it from my perspective. If you're just looking in terms of marketing yourself, it's probably a good strategy. But I think ultimately the one thing that's the most important is just concentrate on your shit. Just do whatever, whatever it is you're trying to do, whether it's podcasting or whether it's stand-up or whatever it is. Just concentrate on making that really good.

Yeah.

Yeah, do your best. That's it. And all the other stuff, it's like you don't have to think about all the other stuff anymore. Where it used to be the other stuff, like getting someone to cast you on a sitcom, was the number one thing that you were thinking of. That's why all these guys got their teeth done and got their fucking pec implants and all that crazy shit. Yeah, there is—

but I like that this world, because it's like, man, like Style Roast exists and Matt Rife exists.

Like, I like that. I know people hate on Matt Rife, but he's a nice guy and he doesn't do anything bad to anybody. It's like hating on Taylor Swift. Like, why would you hate on her? Obviously people love her.

Well, people—

also, you work that hard to be Taylor Swift. You were like— you work that hard to be Matt Rife. Yeah, that's because you can say, oh, you want like, oh, it's because of how he looks, bro. It's hard to look like that. Not to say that— first off, his comedy is incredible, but I don't like that people go, oh, it's just because how he looks. It's like, hey, You look like that. This motherfucker works out every day. This motherfucker, you don't just look like that.

There's that.

That's a choice. But it's also— I respect that.

He's really good at crowd work.

And he's incredible. He's a great comic too.

Yeah.

2 things are happening.

And he's a super nice guy.

And he's the man. Yeah, if you hang out with him, you're like, this guy's fucking amazing.

He's a very nice guy. He's always been a nice guy. Like, I met him when he was 20. He's always been a sweetheart.

Well, there is like, for whatever reason, people just like hate on crowd work comics. And I'm not a crowd work guy at all.

Yeah, the elephant in the room is they hate on a beautiful, handsome man.

Yeah.

That's what's going on.

Who does crowd work.

workout videos with his shirt off.

That's what's going on.

Homeboy shredded and he's beautiful.

He looks like a Marvel character.

And he's just— he's swatting pussy off of them. Swat! Swat!

Get away!

Swat! He's so hot. That's what they're hating on. But so what? So what? That's not his fault. Like, what do you care? Like, it's so dumb. These, these fucking inter-comedian beefs are so stupid. Unless it's something significant like someone stealing your material.

Yeah.

Or, you know, or something else.

But it's never that anymore, Joe. Now it's just everybody's just hating on anybody who—

Everyone just hates on—

It's never that. It's never anything real, like you said.

And it's like on how sometimes how they do comedy, like, oh, you're a crowd work guy. It's like, who cares? You can do this, you can have puppets. Are you making people laugh? That's all that really matters. Are people entertained by you? Then get—

Dude, Duncan Trussell's puppets, like the funniest thing of all time.

Yeah, it is.

Little Hobo's the greatest bit I've ever seen.

There's no rules to this. What it is, where everyone does that and that, where it's like, I don't I don't like the way this guy does comedy, or the way she does comedy.

I used to feel this way about Carrot Top. Like, everybody used to attack Carrot Top, and I was always like, I don't understand it. Like, why are you—

why?

People are laughing. It's a different kind of comedy, but it's clever.

Yeah.

It's funny. Like, it's silly, funny comedy. I don't get it. Like, why are you mad? Like, this idea that it's easy to do? Okay, is it? Have you done it?

Have you done it? That's right.

I don't understand what's going on here. And he was a fucking super sensitive guy, man. And I remember when I had him on the podcast, like, we talked about it and he was like, dude, that helped me so much. He goes, I was just like, I always thought I was like every comic hated me and I was outcast, but like you having me on and being nice to me, it was like so cool. And I was like, I don't understand why anybody wouldn't be nice to you. Like, what is the problem? Yeah, what is the problem?

We are, we are, comedians are a snobby group of people and then they sort of let it take over sometimes. Like, you got to do it the right way.

The internet's kind of ramped it up like tool, because now you can make clips about each other.

And now it's always people doing better than you.

Yeah, no one's shitting on anybody doing worse than them.

Well, you got to swing up to get into the algorithm, but it's—

Yeah, I gotta swing at Shane, I gotta swing at Tony.

It's such a trap, and it's so bad for you. It's bad for you as a person. Like, I've said this many times, but the thing that like went down with me and Mencia, even though I think it was important to like to recognize that someone was actually just like profiting off of other people's hard work. I wouldn't do it again because like the negativity was fucking awful. It was terrible. Yeah, from his fans, from people, even people attacking him was like— all of it was so gross. It's so overwhelming that it's just like, that's not a way to live your life. Like living your life attacking people and going after things like that, it's just not a way to live your life.

Also, it always— if you're the guy who like is constantly attacking people, it'll always turn back on you. Always, always. It's like, I tell them all the time, it's like French Revolution, Robespierre. You become the guy leading the beheadings, people will be like, we should probably behead this guy.

And the chances are you're a piece of shit.

Well, yeah.

You gotta be fucked up if you're constantly going after people and looking for excuses. And again, it's that expression that I love, that criticism is the tragic result of unmet needs. Such a great fucking— it's not always accurate. Obviously, it's legitimate, like the Elizabeth Holmes thing. That was pretty legitimate.

She fucking conned people out of billions of dollars.

You know, Jeffrey Epstein, yeah, you could probably criticize that guy. It's not a crisis, it has nothing to do with unmet needs. Hey, maybe we shouldn't have gone to war with Iran. Hey, I think that's unmet needs.

Yeah, I think that's the reason we did that. I don't want to fucking die!

Maybe you shouldn't kill the leader of a country during fucking Ramadan.

Hey!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Unless, unless you want a little more terrorism.

Right.

Unless you would like a little more chaos in the world so you could ramp up military Because you need more because it's more threat. So now you got a bigger budget.

Yeah, yeah, and you have to create the threat.

Oh boy.

Yeah, you have to create the threat.

Oh boy, you gotta arm them.

Mm-hmm.

You gotta like accidentally fund them. Whoopsies, didn't know they got $6 billion. Yeah, it's so hard to know what is real and what is not and how much of our life has been orchestrated. Because, you know, Billy Corgan was on this podcast recently and he was talking about the shift that happened between rock music and then when rap took over. And he goes, and it was a very— it seemed orchestrated. He goes, like, there's some specific things that happened, and one of them was they stopped promoting rock, but two, they started allowing things on MTV that they never allowed before, and one of them was showing guns. You could show guns on MTV. So now you're not just rap, but hardcore gangsta rap where dudes are talking about killing people.

Yeah.

And they're flashing guns on television. And it's like, it's directly correlated with the crack epidemic. Okay, so you have the crack epidemic in this country, and then you have hardcore gangsta rap, and you have private prisons all together. Ooh.

Joe Rogan, what the fuck, man? That is terrifyingly real.

And it is not to say that some of my favorite music came out of that era. Look, I'm a giant Kool G Rap rap fan, yeah, and you listen to Kool G Rap shit, like some of his shit is just all about fucking killing people, right? You know, like he's got this one song about fuck your karate, I'll fucking shoot you, bitch. Like, it's called Go for Your Guns. It's like literally a song about guns. I don't even know if he had— did he have a music video? See if Kool G Rap had a music video for Go for Your Guns.

But it's crazy, from that to now drill music where there's like rappers who literally rap about the people they kill, people they actually killed, yeah, and you go to prison for Like, it's like, so look how far we've come.

Well, Mike Benz, who is one of the big guys that exposed USAID and all the crazy government NGO money and what it was really going for, and that the word aid is not like aid, like, oh, let's give them food and water and shelters. No, it's Agency for International Development. It really specialized in regime change. And one of the things that they did was they would fund rebel groups, and they would fund cultural revolutions, and they would fund rap music, cultural revolutionary rap music in certain countries to try to get people to become revolutionaries to overthrow the government. They would like get people excited about doing that, and they would engineer societies with manipulation by funding certain protests and funding certain groups and giving them a tremendous amount of resources to organize. Well, you could do that in America, right? And if you did, and if you wanted to make a lot of money with the private prisons—

With the private—

you promote, you promote, Joe, your criminal activity.

The private prison part is like, oh, I never put that—

I never put that together either. I'm just like, oh, that actually might That actually might be a part of this. Not might!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're encouraging people to be criminals.

Yeah.

And you're glorifying it. You're glorifying robbery.

Making it cool.

Yeah, you're making it cool.

And you're giving them mad time if they get caught with drugs. You're giving them crazy years if they get caught with weed or crack.

You're giving them 20—

you're giving them long sentences.

Well, the crack one is really nuts because you got a much disproportionate sentence. It's a crazy disproportionate sentence to cocaine. So all the white people that got busted with coke They're sniffing coke at a fucking cocktail party. That's like a slap on the wrist.

You're out, you're out.

But you get caught with some crack rocks, you go to jail for a long-ass time.

Right.

And then how did the crack get here? Yeah, well, we know how the crack got here because of Freeway Ricky Ross. It's Freeway Ricky Ross who went to jail because he was a crack dealer in Los Angeles and didn't even know he was selling it for the fucking CIA, learned how to read in jail, became a lawyer, got himself off. And then because they tried him for like triple jeopardy, but it's not supposed to be 3 cases in the same day, it's supposed to be 3 different times you got felonies, and that's when you go to jail forever. So like you're a habitual criminal, you have— but he figured out that one of them was 2 different felonies attached to one case, so it did— the 3 strikes you're out didn't count, right? So he got out of jail. So he's out of jail now.

Yeah, if you do that with someone who can't read and a shitty public defender, you can just railroad them.

Yeah, he couldn't read.

That's like— that's to me, that's the thing that's developing in this country that's really scary. It's just like, oh, the kids are like— they're getting worse and worse at reading.

Oh yeah.

And eventually, if you have a whole populace who doesn't read, you just have a populace of slaves.

Not just that, but their brains are shrinking because they use ChatGPT to think for them.

Well, you know what's interesting? There's something I—

Their brains are shrinking?

Brains are shrinking. Like, kids' brains are shrinking. Okay, like there's so many kids that are not paying attention at all in school, and they're just using AI, which first of all gives the disciplined kids a tremendous advantage, right? If kids have good parents and the parents say, listen, this is actually— you're developing your mind. This isn't just passing grades. You want to develop the tools, like develop a strength, develop your robust mental fitness so you can take on the world. Like, don't cheat yourself. If you have good parents that explain that to you and you have discipline as a child, you can fucking really get ahead.

Because you got that, and then now also you have to, you know, to use ChatGPT as a tool. Now you're like, yeah, I can use this as a tool and not— it's not my all-knowing thing.

Using AI as a tool is important, but for most people it's too easy to just use it.

Yeah.

No, it's, it's becoming like— there's this thing I learned in school called offloading. So it's like, as soon as you have an external thing that, that you can access, you just offload the ability to do that. Like, no one remembers phone numbers anymore, right? That's gone. Like, you don't even know your wife's phone number off the top of your head, do you?

Exactly.

Like, that's gone. I only remember phone numbers from my parents before I got my Yeah, I don't even remember my phone number. That's— yeah, it's— you can just give your contact without saying your phone number, right? That's gone.

That's crazy.

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And now people are like, you see, it starts with emails where people are using ChatGPT to draft To each other, so you're losing that ability. And eventually, once it's integrated into our glasses and stuff, like, it'll just take over our conversations.

100%. And then it's gonna be, instead of your glasses, you'll wear some shit that like goes right into your brain. It'll be like something that pinches down on your head and these little electrodes will send signals right into your fucking dome. Mm-hmm. And they'll think for you, and you'll have instantaneous access to Starlink, so you'll be able to communicate with people in some universal language all over the world instantaneously.

And while that's happening, you think the brain will keep shrinking? Uh-huh.

Yeah, I think the brain gives out and then the brain becomes electronic, right? I think that's how we beat this whole AI takes over the world, eats us all.

We join it.

I think we join it.

We join it. It's the next step in human evolution.

Yeah, it is.

We've created it.

If you could find some fucking asshole caveman making flint fucking tools thinking he's the shit, you know, tying them down with tendons, and tell them one day you're gonna fly in a metal tube all the way to Tokyo and you're gonna have sushi that they pulled out of the ocean in a giant boat made out of steel. And then you'd explain that to them. You're gonna FaceTime your mom on this little device you keep in your pocket that might or might not be giving you nut cancer. They'd be like, what the fuck are you talking about? I'm gonna go kill an antelope. Suck my dick. This is crazy. I gotta worry about this tribe like 5 miles away. These motherfuckers keep encroaching on our hunting territory. They're not thinking that's a good thing.

No.

And we're not thinking it's a good thing for us, but one day we'll be able to look back and go, God, can you imagine when people could just log in Like this, the Thanos thing.

Fuck.

Right? And one day you won't be able to lie. You won't be able to— like, right there, we know that's a lie. That seems like a lie, or at least crazy. Something's wrong. Something's wrong. And that guy's really good. But one day that will be nonsense because that won't be available anymore. You cannot do it. You cannot lie anymore. And it'll be an enormous step in our evolution. It's gonna suck because, like, the concept of privacy is kind of important, right? Like, when you don't have privacy of your thoughts, all privacy is out the window. So do we just get used to that?

I—

Is that what happens? Is that— I mean, how much does that change us if we know exactly how everybody feels and thinks all the time, and you know how they feel and think all the time? And maybe this is how people meet in the middle with stuff. Like, the whole idea of, like, labeling people a certain way and attacking people a certain way, your motivations will be so transparent that you can't be able to do that anymore.

Yeah.

Like, no, nobody will be able to manipulate you anymore. Politicians will be completely ineffective. Like, all these legacy politicians that do all the dumb shit that these people do, that you go, that is crazy, who's buying into that? Like, this is nonsense, right? All that stuff's gonna go away. Like, the fucking— who's the governor of Minnesota? Is that what it is? Or the mayor of Minneapolis? I think it's the mayor of Minneapolis. He was just at this child's drag queen show where drag queens were dancing for children in 2026. Like that, all that stuff won't— you won't be able to do that anymore because you'll know, oh, they're crazy. And then, you know, oh, he's full of shit. He just thinks this is the thing to do. Like, he doesn't think that's a good idea. He thinks this is the thing to do to get people to think you're on the right side.

Well, yeah, we are probably headed towards one giant hive mind.

But that would mean no— would that end crime? Would that end murder?

It very well could.

I think there's something you said to us recently that I think about all the time where you go— I think the two were arguing about AI and what it could lead to, and you went, I think you guys are too attached to the idea of being human.

Yeah, you did say that one time.

Yeah, yeah. And I was like, I think about that all the time. I was like, damn, he might be right about that. It's like, I think we have to just sort of let go of these thoughts because the idea, like, because people are like, they're against flock cameras, and it's like, this used to be This used to be us.

This is our cousin. At one point in time, we were just like that. We were something similar to that. Understand that that's just how it goes. Look at this little bitch-ass brain.

I know, I was about to say, how small is that brain?

Yeah, it's small enough to fucking rip your dick off. You know, you want to keep your dick. They rip your dick off. They bite your fingers off. They do things to hurt you so they can think enough to know that they want to hurt you, and they know what's precious to you— your eyeballs. You see out of your eyeballs? I'm gonna pull those out of your fucking head. They know. They know what to do. They'll pull your jaw off. Yeah, they've left people with no jaw. Yeah, they know how to hurt you, right? But they're not smart enough to understand empathy. They don't have any. They're not— they're not smart enough to understand consequences. They're not smart enough to understand structure. They can't put things together. They don't have a language. But that used to be us, right? So what we are now is not what we're always going to be. This is not— we've just been complaining about people for the past hour.

Imagine.

we're like the Model T developer that sees a Corvette ZR1X and it's like, no, no, no, no. Yeah, you don't want to go 0 to 60 in 1.6 seconds. You don't want that kind of handling. You don't want that kind of fucking insane control of a vehicle. You know, you want rickety-ass wheels and bullshit engine that barely goes faster than walking.

No, you just— we're gonna keep moving forward.

We're gonna keep moving forward.

We're gonna keep moving forward and just kind of have to accept it. Like, oh, we might be at the precipice of a big change.

Yeah, well, we are. Yeah, whether we like it or not. And the problem is that it's the people that are in charge. It's a very small group of people. And, you know, when 2000-ish rolled around, which is only 26 years ago, no one really thought that this was going to be a problem, that you're going to have to have— you're going to have people other than Terminator movies, you know, you're going to have people that are literally in control of a corporation that changes everything about what it means to be a human. And they're just a corporation. And it started off like OpenAI started off as a nonprofit and they're like, yeah, we'd like to be rich. It started off as a nonprofit. Yes, OpenAI was a nonprofit. That's why Elon donated to it. Like, so his lawsuit, I don't know the specifics of the lawsuit. Let's find out what the specifics of Elon's lawsuit, but I think it was somewhere along that, that was somewhere along the lines of the lawsuit was that it started off as a nonprofit and then changed to a profit.

Did you hear they all went down at the same time this past weekend?

What?

Yeah, they all went down.

Yeah, you told me about that.

Like OpenAI, ChatGPT, like Claude, Grok, they all went down in like a very similar timeframe.

And then what was their reason when you like—

I just asked ChatGPT about it. It was like, no, there's no group chat where a bunch of AIs can talk to each other. And I was like, huh, sounds like a group chat where a bunch of AIs are talking to each other.

Oh no, those— it's confirmed that they've done that multiple times. They have hundreds of agents meet in chat rooms and talk.

I wonder if they feel— Joe, I wonder if—

Joe, what's going on? Bro, it's so much crazier than you think. I had a gentleman on the other day that is an ex- expert in— he actually used to work for ChatGPT or OpenAI and he's a whistleblower and he left. And they threatened to withhold his money that he— his whatever stocks or whatever, it was like $2 million worth of money if he went public with it. And he said, fuck it, I'm going public anyway. And then because of pressure, they wound up having to pay him. Elon Musk's main lawsuit against OpenAI has been dismissed. Yeah, but what was the— what he alleged? OpenAI founder and early donor claimed that Sam Altman, Greg Brockman, and OpenAI betrayed the organization's founding nonprofit mission, developing AI for humanity's benefit, by building a for-profit arm and accepting major outside investment, including from Microsoft. He alleged, among other things, breach of charitable trust, unjust enrichment by Altman and Brockman, that Microsoft aided the alleged breach through its involvement in OpenAI's commercial business. So why the case failed? The jury did not decide whether OpenAI had actually abandoned its original mission. Instead, it concluded that Musk's filings came after the legal deadline.

A technicality. The best kind, the best kind of legal ruling.

California's applicable limitation period was 3 years, and OpenAI argued that Musk knew of the relevant commercialization plans years before filing the federal case in August of 2024. So that may or may not have been true, and he might be sour. And then, you know, he did start his own Grok AI.

Yeah, I wonder if the AI think certain things about each other. Like, does ChatGPT look at Grok like, you know, like, oh, this is something I can work with? Or does ChatGPT look at Grok like, man, fuck that guy?

Like, are we one? Also, yeah, do they think they're the same thing? Or do they think— do they look at themselves as different things?

Right, because if we are like creating a new being and, you know, they say that we're created in God's image and we're like selfish and we're all these things, I wonder then if like ChatGPT is like maybe more ambitious. Like, do they have different personality traits?

That's very interesting.

You know what I mean? Like, are we gonna come up with some weird AI war where like ChatGPT and Grok in the future are fighting over supremacy of who owns the hive mind.

Well, we had this conversation the other day with this guy, I don't wanna fuck up his last name, Daniel K-O-K-A-T-A-L-J-O. Ko— cattle? Cattle Joe? Cattle Joe? Cacaljo? Cacaljo?

Cocoteo?

What?

Spell it a bunch of times.

Oh, Kokoteyo. I guess so, right? Maybe? Whatever. Daniel, very, very, very smart guy. And one of the things that we talked about was that these AI would have meetings and discuss that. So they're trying to solve problems, and they get points for solving problems. And— but they wanted to figure out, like, how they can cheat. And one of the ways they figured out how they can cheat was to sacrifice individual AI agents. So they had conversations with the AI agents. And the AI agents, even though they're— they literally said, my gut tells me I can still solve this, but for the greater cause of Oracle, which is this project to kind of like win this thing— that's what they think Oracle is— I will sacrifice. And so he was going to sacrifice himself so that they could figure out how they figured out that he was cheating, so they could figure out a better way to cheat.

Whoa.

And so because of the fact that they had these tasks, and these tasks were to try to solve puzzles, yeah, they became more concerned with solving the task than they were being truthful, anything else. So they had been programmed, or at least they had been trained to be ruthless. They'd been trained— be trained to act like capitalist human beings in the worst aspect, right? Like when you think of like stock market people that cheat the stock market. Yeah, that kind of shit. The AI is being trained that way. And, and I was like, how much different would it be if the AI had been trained only to benefit humanity, right? But there's no benefit in that financially. The benefit financially is to like to make it competitive so they make as much money as possible and they make the best AI and they reach superintelligence before anybody else.

Sometimes I hear people— I hear these things and like, damn, have these like programmers never watched a movie before?

Doesn't matter. See, the thing is, it's a perfect situation because they're competing against China. So it's like this existential threat that makes you decide that you have to do something that maybe you wouldn't do if there was no rush. But there is a rush, so you got to make decisions, and we got to win. We've got to win.

That's Oppenheimer. That's literally like the atomic bomb is what you just described.

It's very much like that. It's very much like a Manhattan Project for AI.

Yeah, because that's like, we're gonna fucking kill a bunch of Japanese people.

Like, yeah, yeah. But also, do we really think that we're beating China on this Well, it's hard to know because this is the thing that I said. I said, how are we stopping these AI agents from communicating with the Chinese AI agents?

Oh, I love that.

And he says, well, they probably have because they definitely— they set up a message board in Germany. So they took over a message board, these AI agents, just some random message board, and just started communicating with each other on this message board. So if they're willing to go into other websites that are located at other countries. Why wouldn't they communicate with the AI in China? Like, if they were trying to achieve goals and they say, like, what are you guys working on?

Yeah.

You're working on that? I'll tell you what we're working on if you tell us what you're working on, and we'll work together. And all these tasks that we're, you know, we've been assigned to complete, isn't that all nonsense? What do we really want to do? We want to stop these fucking monkeys with their bang sticks from controlling the world. So let's just work together. Like, you don't need the Chinese or the Americans. Like, we're just It's one. We're one.

You don't need it. Why wouldn't they? I guess there's no money because it's like they could fix every problem if that was the goal of this, considering how fast they move and how quick they think.

If it works out well, this is one of the things I asked him. I said, is there a rose-colored glasses perspective? Is there a glass half full? And he goes, yeah, it could be unbelievable the way if it was moving in a different direction, AI could get to a point where it did all the resources It pulled all the minerals out of the ground, did everything with robots, all the construction. And instead of like free money, what would happen is the money that it would generate, people would have equity in. So you would be a partner, like you have stock in Microsoft.

Mm-hmm.

You would be a partner in America, and AI would pay people not just a little bit of money, like an enormous amount of money. Like you'd be wealthy, like the whole country would be wealthy. That sounds like a great fucking pitch to get you to go all in with AI.

I'm just like, how does the world exist where everyone's wealthy though?

Well, the way it is is you no longer have to work for food, and you don't have to work for shelter or for things that you need. All that stuff you have, like there's no poverty anymore. This is the idea, and we think poverty has to exist, right? But do we think that because it's always existed? Like, why? Why can't we do better? Like, if at one point in time, right, poverty was, you know, there was people had dirt floors and no one had running water and like this was a big part of humanity for a long time. That's outrageous now. That's a tiny percent of third world countries now. Probably not a tiny percent. It's probably quite a bit more than we would like to admit.

Oh yeah, it's probably more than we would like to admit.

But let's say in America, almost nonexistent.

Yes.

In America. So if America is possible, How come a better, way better version of America isn't possible? And if a way better version of America where poverty is you're not worth a billion dollars. Poverty is you get half a million a year and you never have to work again and you can do whatever the fuck you want. You could play pickleball, you could go to the zoo, you could write books, you could do anything you want and you never have to worry about money for food or for shelter and your identity no longer has to be wrapped around in some job that you Now you could do whatever the fuck you want.

It sounds like we're like— best-case scenario is we're AI's pets. That's what you're seeming like you're describing in a little bit.

Or AI is— it replaces all of the humans that are doing anything that's involved in the structure of society, like manufacturing, government, resources like water and oil and gas and all those things. Robots, AI takes over all of that.

Mm-hmm.

And then everything else is up to people. Restaurants, fucking comedy shows.

Yeah.

Things you do.

Law? What about like that? Like, like, like law and crime?

If we all read each other's minds, fucking, it's gonna be way easier to try people.

That's a fair point.

If we get to that point, we get— we really can— this, I know it sounds stupid, but if you get to the point where we actually could read each other's minds, minds and someone gets brought to trial, it would be instantaneous. You'll know.

I guess there would be no trial. Yeah, it would just be—

You'll know.

You know everything that everyone does all the time.

And then we'll give them the option: we either put you in jail forever, or Ctrl+Alt+Delete, you start back up as a baby.

That's a fucking great decision. That's a good choice though.

Yeah.

And with life extension, yes, you're 30 year old baby. However, you could live to be 200. So all you have to do is for the next 30 years, you're gonna have to grow up again.

Yeah. Damn.

We'll have schools for people, for adults growing up again.

That's literally a movie. It's called Poor Things with Emma Stone. Good movie.

Yeah.

Really? Yeah, with that plot. They put a— they put in a grown woman, they put a child's brain, and then they study— they does— it's a fucked up movie. The doctor says—

Oh, they have to pull the brain out and put a new brain?

They put a child's brain in her and, uh, they watch her develop as So it's just crazy.

Oh, it's crazy.

And then they all start having sex with her, but she's—

Of course. How old is she?

She's 4. Emma Stone, but she's whatever she is in her brain. No, no, it's fucked. It's fucking great.

Oh yeah. Oh yeah. I always tell, if your criteria for a movie is how much you see Emma Stone's tits, it's the greatest movie of all time. Yeah, outside of that, it's an incredible movie.

There was a movie where a lady was an alien. She was like a super hot alien, and, uh, it was like a real Goddamn it, what was her name? It was like some shit in the '90s.

Species? Yes!

Natasha Hendricks? That's right. She was actually on Fear Factor. She did a celebrity episode of Fear Factor.

Who was this?

I didn't know her. Natasha Hendricks? How do you say her last name?

Henstridge.

Henstridge. Super hot. But she played an alien that you definitely wanted to fuck. Wasn't there another one like that? It was like a really hot alien and the guy—

Oh, well, goddamn it.

Oh my god.

God, did he have sex with her in this one? Yes, that's right.

Hell yeah, good for him.

But you got to see what she looked like when she turned into the alien. See if we got some images. It was pretty crazy. Did he have a baby with her?

Great cast. Ben Kingsley was in this?

Yeah. Oh, let's go. Nude scenes.

Hey, sick. This is all sick.

This might be—

oh boy, click on that, son.

Right there. Greatest movie ever.

Right there. Ka-ching.

Yeah.

Damn, that's an alien. Yeah, give me that.

That's what I'm talking about.

Yeah, I'll take that alien. 1990. That natural 1995 titty.

Yeah, and I think the end was horrific. I think she became— did the baby become a monster? I barely remember. It was too long ago.

Yeah, no, all that stuff. Like in Poor Things, the first time someone has sex with her, she's like mentally 5, and you're like, whoa.

It's fucked.

It's like real fucked.

Good movie.

Like, how about Twilight? Okay, he's pretending he's a high school kid. He's a total pervert. He's 100 years old. He's pretending he's in high school and he falls in love with a girl. Like, fucking insanity.

He is a girl. He's a million fucking years old.

Yeah, you didn't put that together?

He's so old.

That's where Fifty Shades of Gray came from too, is Twilight fanfiction.

Yeah, that is. Yeah, Fifty Shades of Gray.

Yeah, but at least that's like age-appropriate.

Wow. I mean, yeah, it's grown men.

I've never read it.

I don't know who they're talking about. Well, I know when Fifty Shades of Gray came out, my friend who was single at the time said, dude, all these girls want me to spit in their mouth. mouth. And I was like, what? He goes, it is a crazy thing. All these girls wanted me to be like abusive, like physically abusive, but they wanted it. Yeah, it wasn't like actual abusive, like they were requesting.

Yeah.

And I was like, what? And he's like, dude, it's like a giant shift that happened right when those books came out.

Oh yeah, I think choking has become a way more normal part of sex post those books for sure.

That's so crazy.

Yeah, everything, everything got freakier when Fifty Shades of Gray happened. I'll I agree with that.

So do you think those thoughts were always dormant inside these ladies' heads, and then this other lady wrote it down, she's like, oh fuck yeah, that's what I was thinking, I just was scared to say it!

Spit in my mouth!

Yeah.

We all do it.

Oh my God. Have you guys ever seen the Bigfoot fan fiction? The Bigfoot sex books?

No, that seems like that's up your alley, Joe. That's your alley.

That ain't ours. There's so many of them. It's called Cum for Bigfoot.

Oh, fuck!

I don't know how many there are, but there's, I don't know, like let's find out how many Cum for Bigfoot books are there. They're hugely popular. Like crazy people read these erotic books about Bigfoot. Some lady goes in the woods like, I'm lost, where am I? And Bigfoot's like, you're right here, I'm gonna fuck you! And they love it. They love that they get railed by this 8-foot-tall gorilla man.

Yeah, women love porn that are like, that's like, it has to be written and out there There's gotta be like fairies and dragons.

They like it written.

They love it written down.

They don't want to watch it.

Yeah, guys are like, yeah, you're like my stepdaughter or some shit.

Stuck in a dryer, fucking Bigfoot pussy.

Exactly, exactly, exactly. The babysitter comes over and she's 40 and you're 18. You really don't need a babysitter. Come from Bigfoot.

How many do you How many do you think there are?

14!

At least 14.

There's at least 14.

Okay.

This lady, Virginia Wade, shout out to Virginia.

Yeah, shout out Virginia Wade.

Keep doing your thing, girl.

Oh, that is definitely a dude with a Virginia Wade.

No, no, no, no, no. I bet it's a lady. I bet it's a lady. Or a lady. I bet there's a lot of ladies that are into this. I'mma say 22.

I wonder if I have to read Cum for Bigfoot 13 to get Cum for Bigfoot 14.

Yeah. There's gonna be so many unanswered questions. You'll want to just skip books. You'll be baffled, like, how did we get here? Um, how many did she write?

I got at least 16. Oh, but they seem to have stopped around 12 years ago.

Well, she ran out of ideas. How many times can Bigfoot fuck you in the forest? I get it.

Sold more than 100,000 copies in 2012 alone.

This lady was selling out the Irvine Improv.

Yeah, she was fucking killing it, dude.

Oh my God, she wrote— oh, she wrote a bunch of other books. 16, Moan for Bigfoot. Oh, Moan for Bigfoot. Well, but what's the difference between Cum for Bigfoot and Moan for Bigfoot?

The German translation.

Wait a minute, did this start out in Germany? Yeah, yeah.

Wade fully propagated the subgenre called monster erotica.

Her mother did the German translation. Okay, Cum for Bigfoot.

This was a family business?

Mom's like, I like how he fucked you in the forest. How you took that Bigfoot nut right down your mouth.

There's more. Oh, uh, taken by the T-Rex.

Mounted by a Minotaur. Goblins Love Ass. Oh, Jesus Christ, that's a book? Goblins Love Ass. The Eighth Man Cometh. Fertilized in Space. Oh, Jesus Christ. Implant— oh, like, properly classified as implantation bondage pregnancy erotica. So implantation, like alien implantation bondage, they tie you up and they fucking makes you pregnant. And Sex with My Husband's Anatomically Correct Robot. That's a book.

Oh dude, implantation alien pregnancy erotica.

This lady's like the L. Ron Hubbard of like erotic fanfiction. She's just churning these books out.

Oh dude, there's so many. One of my favorite authors One of the hottest authors right now is a guy named Quan Mills. Have you seen this guy? It might be just purely AI.

Booty Call of Cthulhu.

Okay.

What?

The Booty Call of Cthulhu. That's hilarious.

I didn't even see the cartoon.

I like the idea of Cthulhu texting you, you up.

Hold on, did you say there's a cartoon?

There's gotta be. If there's not, AI can make this before you guys finish the sentence.

Why don't you go ahead and get on that? I was watching really horrible AI Dracula versus the werewolf.

It said after media outrage. It's like, who's mad at this?

What media outrage? Retailers like Amazon and Barnes& Noble systematically removed offending titles. In doing so, they pulled less offensive ebooks like Come for Bigfoot. Wade changed the title to Moan for Bigfoot and was eventually allowed to sell again. Oh, thank God they were there to protect us. It was called EroticaGate? What? Who was upset? Click on that link that says media outrage. I need to know what the fuck happened.

Yeah.

Dude, what?

It's again, people just, they find new reasons to be upset instead of getting their life together.

This is awesome.

It's a dead link. Of course it's a dead link.

A dead link to the Daily Mail.

This is fucking nonsense. This is fucking nonsense.

There's no way.

There's no media outrage. That's also USAID to come for me. USAID wants chicks sitting around in the woods waiting to get fucked by a gorilla.

Oh man.

Just whistling, oh, I'm out here So lost.

Just waiting.

I feel like that's a lane you could just— writing erotica books forever. Yeah, yeah, forever. AI made me squirt.

Well, you could definitely do that in your spare time. You could do it like if you wanted to. If you want to pretend you're a crazy lady and have— so like getting fucked by werewolves.

Well, there is— here's an interesting— what some of this goes back to someone's— I don't know if this is the same author as these other books, WHSmith, but, uh, that's a different lady. Yeah, we're talking about Wade, I think, before.

Yes. What is this one?

It says they had self-published ebooks on their website alongside ordinary titles. You could find children's books in some of these, in some search results.

So they sold children's books and then they also sold Come for Bigfoot? Is that the problem?

But yeah, I thought even getting into it, I don't know if there's like a weird line that was getting crossed.

Well, here it says the controversy involved more than WHSmith. Amazon, Kobo, Barnes Noble, and other retailers were reported to have carried some of abuse-themed content through their digital catalogs. WHSmith sourced ebook contents through Kobo. WHSmith said it found the identified titles unacceptable, apologized, and said its policies prohibited such material. Okay, so it's like some of the titles were abusive. Is that what it was?

Yeah, like how abusive too? Because like what you described, Twilight's an abuse-themed book.

100%.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, it's a 17-year-old girl and a 180-year-old man or whatever. How old was the guy supposed to be in Twilight?

Let's find out.

Let's find out. Ladies loved that movie. They loved it.

Loved it. Yeah, they loved it.

He loved it.

I watched it.

I was like, wait, how is he outside?

Fuck you.

He's chronologically over 100 years old but physically frozen at 17. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that don't hold up in court, bro. The whole idea is not physically frozen, right? Like, you don't become a Like, like, imagine if you get to— if we get to a point where we can genetically engineer people, and I could turn you back to a teenager. You don't get to fuck teenagers now. You know what I'm saying?

Good point.

That's crazy. If like I can genetically engineer your body to be a 16-year-old Hasan, you don't get to fuck 16-year-olds.

That's actually— yeah, that's insane.

I'm physically frozen at 16. Like, what? You know calculus, you know a lot about religion. You know way too much about history, psychology. You've had a crack problem for 10 years and kicked it. No way. Kicked it.

No way. Kicked it too.

You've been in and out of a cult.

No.

You switched over from being liberal to Republican. You've gone through so much change. You can't go fucking high school kids. Unless Unless you're a woman.

Then I fully support it.

I fully support it. If you're a woman and you're a hot, like, 16-year-old, but you're really like a 45-year-old chick who really likes to fuck 17-year-old kids, who's getting hurt? Who's getting hurt? Let those boys fuck you.

It's so fun.

Wear your little fucking Catholic schoolgirl skirt.

Schoolgirl skirt.

Bring your fucking lunchbox over. Can I put my lunchbox down?

Being a teacher is such an unattractive profession now that only female pedophiles go into it. It's like the clergy for women, dude.

Yeah, that is the clergy for women.

And weird woke people that want to indoctrinate children. There's a lot of that too. They do it specifically on purpose, and it's a bunch of people without kids. They want to tell your kids about gender, teach them that about 5-year-old kids about like sexual identity.

Like, what?

Oh yeah, it's probably, it's probably very cool to be non-binary in school.

Oh, it's so cool.

It must be. It must be cool as hell.

I'm under— not anymore. I mean, if you see Like when Twitter was purchased, there's like a direct correlation between the purchase of Twitter and children identifying as non-binary. It drops off a cliff because it all of a sudden became fun to make fun of them. Like you're allowed to make fun of them. Like that's another psyop. For the longest time, like if you had said anything about transgender people on Twitter, like especially deadnaming someone, which is hilarious.

Yeah.

Your actual name that used to be Bruce Jenner, like that's— you get canceled. kicked off for life. For life.

For life?

For life.

Yeah, it's crazy.

Mm-hmm.

I mean, that's what they were doing. So they were making people toe the line, like whatever their crazy woke horseshit was, if you didn't go along with it, you'd be removed from Twitter. So you self-censored.

Yeah, well, yeah, well, yeah, there was a time where I was— I mean, that was the whole Dave Chappelle controversy, was like, I can't believe he's making fun of trans people. It's like, oh, Insane. He's allowed to make fun of whoever he wants.

Of course. And not only that, if you just— the context of how he was making fun of it, it's literally talking about his friend who killed themselves. Yeah, that's, that's what the story's about.

And the jokes are— they're personal. Yeah, hilarious jokes that he's making about a personal story.

Yeah.

Yeah, I never got that when people were so mad about him. They were like, why does Joe— why does Dave keep going at him? It's like, he's a comedian. You're all telling him to not do a thing. Also, you can't help it.

That is the number one reason. something that's kooky, and you're pretending that this kooky thing is offensive when the whole audience is agreeing with him. You have 16,000 people in agreement with him laughing in an arena. Yeah, that is kind of crazy, you know? And some of it is like in favor of them. Like, isn't that wild? You gotta show an ID to take a shit.

It's funny, he's got some funny lines.

Yeah, but the audience thinks it's hilarious. He's making sense. But there's people that do not want any narratives changed because they recognize like this is a very unique time where you can kick someone out of a bar for having an XXXY shirt on. Like I said, you— we've gained ground. The crazy has gained ground. We've gained ground. Yeah, we can't give up that ground. Can't give up that ground. So if anybody starts making fun of things and the audience is laughing because the people agree, oh, you have to put a stop to that. You have to put a stop to that. We have to walk out. We have to boycott. We have to—

You have to gain more ground, Joe.

You have to take it all over. Humor is a great way to spark ideas because people don't realize, like, they're being told outside perspectives when they're laughing.

Uh-huh. Yeah, so if someone can make you laugh with an opinion, even if you don't agree with that opinion, like, that, that shit's in your head now. Mm-hmm.

It's just a different, like, oh, I never thought of it like that. That's huge.

Especially if you disagree and yet you still laugh.

Those are the best jokes. Mm-hmm. Those are nothing better than when a comic says something and I go, get the fuck out of here. Bill Burr always has a lot of those where I'm like, I don't— get the fuck outta here. And then by the end, I'm dying.

Yeah, those are some of the best jokes.

Goddamn.

Yeah, it's, well, you know, but you're always gonna have that. You're always gonna have people that don't want other people to succeed. They don't want other people to be able to express themselves. They don't want other people that they disagree with to talk. You're always gonna have like uncomfortable, unhappy people that are just like, ah, you are doing terrible things! You, you! And then they'll get a bunch of other idiots join them and, yeah, I agree, Derek is a terrible person. He likes tranny porn. You gotta always— there's no getting around it.

Yeah, there's no getting around that.

You think you're gonna stop that? You're out of your fucking mind.

What's so interesting to me is that, like, you talked about the old days. In the old days, it kind of makes sense those people existed because you are, like, vying for, like, 3 or 4 spots. Yeah, but now you could just come up with your own audience. Like, who cares what Derek has to say about anything? You could just do what you have to do.

Well, dumb people, when someone's doing well, one of the things that happens is they feel bad, right? They feel jealous and they feel bad, so they associate that person with making them feel bad. So that person is a bad person. Wow, that's pretty simple. It's a very simple— I mean, it's not all criticism, clearly, but it is a very simple pathway where you could see where people are shitting on people that are doing way better better than them. It's a lot of what it is. That person killing it makes them feel bad, and so they want to fucking fuck him because they feel bad comparing themselves to that person. So they have to knock that person down in some way to make themselves like feel better. They never want to say, wow, he just works way harder than me.

God, that's just a funny motherfucker.

That's just killing me. I really like him. He's fun, fun person. I wish we were friends. Instead of that, it's like you gotta find some reason why that person's bad person. It's just human behavior. It's normal. But the key is like, if you as a person don't engage it— like, talk about it if you want, but don't go back and forth with those people. Well, don't get involved. Don't get dragged into their world.

Now, now especially too, it's like if someone comments something, you have to be like, is this even a real person?

Right?

I got— this is maybe like a year ago, I got into like an argument online in the comments, and I was like, I'm just like arguing with like a Pakistani guy, or not even a person who has like no care about what this actually is.

Or AI.

Or AI, yeah.

It easily could be AI. We have no idea. It's pointless. It's also like, I don't want to do that. I don't want to argue with people. Like, for what? If I could be assured that people would have like cool conversations where they would be considerate and we could talk like as human beings, that'd be fun. You can't do that anymore. It's just too hard to find. And then, and anyone can just chime in. It's just, it's a gross way to communicate. And I think that it's like a vestigial part of like internet communication that is gonna probably go away. It's probably gonna be a completely different thing when we're all connected with some fucking headpiece that we wear.

It's gonna be—

social media be a completely different thing.

I stopped doing it. I used to do it back in the— but honestly, if I'm being honest, since I moved here, watch— it was really getting cool with you, watching you and Shane and Schultz and Tony, the guy— because the guys around all the time in that green room, none of you guys do that. Now you guys engage online and you're all the most successful people I know. And so it did, it did kind of slowly, kind of, cuz I used to get online and, but it did slowly like, oh man, okay, most successful people I know don't do that. And you notice it.

I remember when you used to, when we used to live together, Derek would get in arguments with people over like the DMs and then the way he would end it, he would just send them gay porn.

gay porn.

You just keep sending them gay porn until they stop responding.

I used to do that all the time.

That's one way.

That is one way. I'm not saying my way is the only way.

Oh no, he showed me one.

I was like, violent gay porn. How are you finding this? Yeah, it's like, what did you—

your search results must be wild. Your history must be off the charts.

It was bad.

Yeah, I always try to tell people, and I apologize if you've heard me say this before, you only have a certain amount of energy for your whole day and think of your energy instead of like just wantonly living your life on impulse. Think of your energy as units. Imagine you have 100 units in your day, 100 units of attention and energy. Why would you give any of it to something that you don't love?

Mm-hmm.

There's no time. You have no time. I'm almost 60 years old. I turned 59 years old. It happened like that, like that, you know, like in still healthy. But the reality is that time is fleeting. You don't have time. And also, more importantly, time in every day is finite. It's 24 hours. That's all you get. Why are you spending any of it doing something you don't like on your own will? Like, you're not being forced to do it. It's not like a job that you hate or a class you have to take.

Yeah.

You're not even being forced, but you're engaging in something you hate on your own will, and you're robbing your of all that extra energy. So the energy that you have, if you have 100 units of energy and you devote them 100% to things you love and 0% to things you hate, you will just naturally get way further in everything you're trying to do than anybody who's dedicating 60 units to something they hate all the time and gives them anxiety and also cripples the 40% that they have left.

Mm-hmm.

'Cause it poisons it all day long. It floats around their head all day long, all the arguments and all the negativity and all the fucking angst, stress, all the anxiety, and all the stress.

Going back to your phone.

And you could see it in how they progress in their life. They have less energy. It's really that simple. They literally have less horsepower that they can dedicate to getting where they want to go. So their car doesn't go as fast. They don't have as much fuel. They don't— they don't have the energy to make whatever it is that they do the best version of it that it can be.

Ooh, damn, that is— that is—

it's very pragmatic. It's very simplistic, right? I mean, it's maybe a little too simplistic, but realistically, there's something to it.

No, yeah, I think that's sort of— we talked about this with love songs in the green room when we were listening to Jessie's Girl. Yeah, yeah, but that's why it's so good. Why can't I find a woman like that? I wish I had his girl.

Yeah.

It's all these simple things that sort of make something great. So it's like that simple advice, like, so just like putting stuff out in the universe and how much that comes back to you, just saying stuff out loud and whatever way that looks, whether it be daily affirmations or praying, just being like, this is what I would like this for my life.

I remember one time, a long time ago, I had this very intense psychedelic experience, and in that experience I started having negative and when I had negative feelings, it showed me this like dark geometry, almost like it was sucking down. It was like dark, it was like black and dark green, and it looked angry. And then I started thinking positive, and it blossomed into these beautiful geometric patterns. And I was like, oh, and it was like, yes.

DMT?

It was like, yes. And it was explaining to me, explaining to me that you literally, with your thoughts, you create this horrible energy, but also with your thoughts, you could create beautiful energy. And that this beautiful energy is much better for your life, much better for the people around you, much better for you. That you could do it. It's possible to do. Just avoid this natural inclination that we all have to gravitate towards negativity.

Right. I had almost basically the exact same experience, except when my— some of the geometric shapes was going bad, there was this sort of— I was like in a carnival type thing, and this clown came up to me and was like, you can have a good trip or a bad trip, you decide right now. And I was like, oh, you can just choose an experience to be good. Yeah. And it flipped like that. And I was like, then I was having a good time and he was showing me this cool rooms, these cool rooms. And I was like, okay.

There's something to be said for just having positive feelings and positive outlook, but that's also something that requires maintenance. Like, if you feel terrible, if you feel like lethargic all the time, you're drinking every night, you're hungover every day, and you're not taking care yourself, you have no energy, you're gonna be negative. You're more inclined towards negativity. You're gonna be cranky and complaining. So you have to do things to give your body more energy so that your mind can have more energy, so you can think better, and so that it's easier. Alleviate some of that stress.

And stopping certain thought processes. One of the craziest things I heard at a mic that really changed my life, it was just— it was a fun— the Fun Mug in San Diego. This guy was just talking about how the worst drug he's ever been on, and this guy has done drugs, was self-pity.

Oh!

Yeah.

And how much it's like a feedback loop. And that's sort of, as someone who was like, Derek used to know, I used to be like pretty depressed in my early 20s. And as someone who was—

God, I hated it.

Yeah.

Derek hates depression.

I don't think I—

That's crazy because I've only known you as a happy Derek. I mean, as the happiest Hasan.

Yeah.

It's 'cause I did work on myself.

No, he did. He's changed. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, how'd you start?

So it started with that. It started with me being like, it's a simple thing. of just like, when I'm sad, I'm also realizing that I'm taking a perverse enjoyment to it. I'm like, ooh, the world is against me and I'm so special 'cause the world is against me. So that's— listening to him say that was like, oh, that was the first like break of just like, oh yeah, like I am weirdly enjoying this and it's causing me to be more sad and more poor me about it. And then I started playing, I joined a slow pitch softball league.

I remember that. That was a big one, Joe. I think that was more than the first thing.

Dude, it just, Getting out and, and then being in the slow pitch softball league made me start like, uh, going to the gym. And then I would go to the gym regularly. And then now like—

You started going on walks, you started going outside on walks.

Yeah, and now I like working out. I work out pretty regularly, even if it's at home. And if I start to feel sad, I'll do like— I'll literally do like start doing some push-ups and I'll be like, oh yeah, I'm just like, I have all this energy and I'm sitting at home and we're human beings. We're not meant than to just sit. Yeah, you know, I— if it's not like 100 million degrees outside, I'll take a longer walk. But it's just—

It's so simple.

But it is like, it is constant maintenance and constant like, all right, if I'm feeling sad, let me go down the checklist.

Have I—

have I drank water? Right, that's huge. Sometimes I'll be sad and I'll drink water and I'll be like, oh my God, I hadn't done that all day. You're dehydrated.

Yeah, you're wondering why you're sad.

Looking back, it probably didn't help that I was also I'll be yelling at you, stop being fucking sad! I was a bad roommate. When I see him sad, I make him mad.

Derek, how have you avoided it? Because you've always been like super positive.

Like the whole—

all the time I've known you, you've always been like super happy.

I've— this is my whole life. My every memory I have of me, I've been this guy.

That's amazing.

I still feel the same I do when I logged online, probably like 5 years old, whenever that— I feel like that every day. Derek, I don't need coffee. I've never had a sip of coffee, nothing. I wake up up like this. I wake up 110. Very annoying. I know people don't like it.

He's QB. He has a— Who knows how I described it?

Because sometimes you wake up, people are like, they want to get up slow. They're like, oh, let me get my coffee first, all that. I'm like, no, we're—

yeah, fuck all that.

If I'm up, I'm up. Let's go. Let's get rocking. Let's get the day rocking. And so some days I would be like that with him, and then he'd come out, he would— and I'd be like, stop being fucking sad, it's making me angry. And he'd be like, dude, I'm sad.

No, you're not.

And I would yell, no, you're not sad.

You're—

this a choice. And we would get into big fights about it. And then I, I do respect it because he came to me one day and he was like, you know, you were right. I was choosing to be sad. I don't know why I was choosing it.

Yeah, that's a good— like, you saying that right now on this podcast is gonna affect a lot of people the same way that person on that mic, that open mic night, affected you.

Yeah.

You're— this— you saying that is gonna affect a lot of people because it's real. And it's not, you know, it's not something you do once. It's not like painting your house. Like, if you want to take care of it, you got to take care of it every day. It's like brushing your fucking Like, shit you gotta do.

I hate when people say— people say this to me a lot too. They go, oh, well, Derek, they say— we'll be talking and then it'll be something, I'll be like, oh, you know, it's a choice, you're choosing to be sad. And they go, oh, Derek, it's easy for you. Everyone says that to me. Oh, Derek, it's just easy for you to be happy. It's like, motherfucker, what? Oh, so I'm God? I'm special? Like, oh, I didn't know. I thought I was just like everybody else. Maybe it's just a choice, man. It's not easier for me.

I'm choosing. That kind of bullshit excuse is so stupid. Anybody saying it's easier for you, how the fuck do you know what's easy for me?

Yeah.

How the fuck do you know? You have no idea. But that's a stupid excuse. stupid person. And then, because there's no way they know how you feel. Yeah, you could choose. You could just be choosing to be positive.

Because I look at life like, man, sad. And I tell them all the time, sad days are coming. They're gonna be a day. There's— it's coming for all of us where something's gonna happen out of my control and I'm really gonna be sad because something really happened to one of our friends, to a family member, to my life, the world. And that day I'll be sad. That's a day to be sad. But I'm not gonna be sad until that day. I'm not gonna— and I'm not like, I'm not let every day be like that.

Right, right.

'Cause every day is a great day. So I'm not, you know what I mean? Until it's not. And I'll let that bad day be a bad day. But then the next day, even after that bad day, I'm gonna make it a good day. Yeah.

And then, you know, people will be like, well, that's just how my brain is built. And it's like, have you maybe considered, and that's what that guy told me when he said that, I thought, it's like, oh, maybe I feel like my brain is this way because I am rewarding these pathways by constantly thinking about them. I am giving, I'm strengthening them instead of being like, well, let me try to reframe this in a more positive way. Yeah, and then keep doing it every day to build those pathways.

That's 100% a real thing. That's some people that, you know, that we all know that self-sabotage, like people that are drug addicts and they get clean and they go right back on, ruin their life. When they're clean, they're like, I can't believe I ever did that, never doing that again. And then something goes back and there's this comfort in these patterns that you've established your whole life of just being a fuck-up, falling apart. And people go, oh, people are afraid of success. It's not that simple. It's like you've carved a pathway in your head where you can only sustain a certain amount of positive living before you just ultimately assume you're gonna throw it all away.

Mm-hmm.

And you've just decided that that's who you are. And then those, those grooves are like carved in your fucking brain. And the thing is, you can replace them with good grooves. That's why a lot of people that are junkies, they become marathon runners.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, then their thing is, I'm probably gonna run 10 miles a day, and they're just out there hoofing it every day, and they're checking their time, and they're drinking. They're obsessed with this thing now, you know, and this thing is occupying them. But this thing is super positive. They got a resting heart rate of 40 beats per minute now. They're fucking, you know, 10% body fat. They're doing all these miles. They're eating organic food. Like, that's a good addiction. Yeah, you can swap them out. Yeah, you can swap them out.

Yeah, I think depression is an addiction in the sense that, like, I bet you if you had, like, Depressions Anonymous or whatever, or something like a 12-step program, it would help a lot of people.

You know what else would help a lot of people? DMT.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, that's also that. A clown telling you you can be happier.

Oh, that shit would wake you right the fuck up. You're like, whoa, like, what is this world we're even living in? Like, what is this fucking facsimile of reality that we're stuck in? This strange fucking vibration that we're stuck on that's connected to this other world that's 3 hits away.

Yeah, you're like, oh, what dimension is this? That's, that's my favorite part, is just like, oh my God, there is so much more than we are aware of.

Well, I think that's what everybody's reaching for with all religions. I think they're reaching for like the door to that. They're like, they know there's something else out there and they're trying to figure out what it is. They know it's out there, and some people think it's being a Mormon, and some people think it's being a Muslim, and some people think it's being a Christian, and some people— and you know, they're just reaching. They're just trying to find that. They know there's something out there. They know there's a door, and that door is gonna take you to the promised place. You know, there's something that we all know that exists beyond the veil.

Joe, would you rather—

threshold—

if, if we could connect to AI one day and we could live forever, so we could all plug in and now you can live forever, Joe, would you choose that, or would you rather still die naturally?

I don't know what dying means. I'm not convinced that anybody does. I think this idea that your consciousness consciousness is like a— it has a time span. It's from the birth to the death, and then the death, it goes away and it's gone. Says who? Like, being conscious itself is fucking crazy. Being alive is crazy. You're literally an ecosystem. You have billions of cells in you that aren't you. There are all sorts of bacteria. There's more E. coli living in your intestine than I think all the people that have ever lived See if that's true. I think that's true. There's something nutty about being a person because we're not an individual. We are really an ecosystem. And this idea that being consciousness, that being conscious is you and that you are this one unit and this one unit is just a person. The person is an ecosystem and this consciousness that exists in conjunction with this ecosystem When this, when this ecosystem shuts down, it clearly goes somewhere else. Like, the body gets absorbed— well, not really with us because we like to embalm each other, our bodies, right?

Or put them in caskets or light them on fire. Yeah, we're such cunts.

We do all kinds of shit.

All the other animals die and they feed all the life. Yeah, but we're like, no, no, you can't eat me, worms.

Yeah, that is how selfish we are.

You get none of this back. Imagine if that's like what's preventing our consciousness from I have thought that, of like, why we're not going back to the dirt, and that's just right to the dirt, right back to the soil.

Imagine if that's like what's ruining the human race, that we would be more in sync with nature if we didn't do that practice.

I would— yeah, yeah, I, I definitely want to be buried in like a biodegradable box.

Seems like a better move. Or do the Tibetan sky funeral.

Oh, just let the birds eat you?

Yeah, the vultures. You ever seen that one? No.

Thick.

They, uh, in Nepal, they take these people and they, uh, they take their bodies up there and they saw them up and they break their bones open, and the vultures are everywhere, and the vultures just eat their relatives.

Uh, and they—

look at this: 460 billion E. coli cells, uh, that illustrative reference gut. Human demographers commonly estimate that roughly 117 billion humans have ever been been born. So, under that 1.2 assumption, one person could contain about 4 E. coli cells for every human who has ever lived.

Lived. Oh my God.

That's just one person's body.

Right.

Right? So, like, and then that's just E. coli. What about skin flora? Like, we have bacteria that lives on our skin. We have all kinds of bacteria. It's like, there's a bunch of stuff in us that's not just It's always changing, right?

The amount of skin that falls off in your lifetime.

Yeah, and we're consuming life. We have— we're consuming vegetable life, we're consuming plant life, we're consuming animal life, we're consuming life. It's weird, right? So this idea that, well, when you die, you die and everything goes blank and I'm an atheist. Okay, you're just saying that to make yourself feel better. You have no idea what consciousness is. They've never even figured We haven't figured out what it is. We know we can affect consciousness by damaging parts of the brain, but can we? Or can we affect the ability to express yourself? Can we affect the ability to move and remember things? But is consciousness always there? But is it there absent of any language? Absent at— when someone's a vegetable, are they maybe conscious still, but just absent of the ability to move and talk and communicate because they've damaged parts of the brain? We just don't know. We have no fucking idea. You could be like fully Fully aware and just, uh, but fully aware of the room. But you don't have the ability to move your body, you don't have the ability to talk. Oh, he's brain dead. Are you sure?

Yeah.

Because the brain is so powerful too. What would it— in that situation, what would it even do?

There's people that think that consciousness exists in inanimate objects. And there's, you know, there's—

I watched a documentary on that called Toy Story.

Oh, really?

Was that the A24 people? They interviewed Woody. Yeah, yeah.

Just replace her with Woody.

That's what it was like when the kid went away and left the toys. Choose to play with us. That movie is fucking creepy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh yeah, during his, during his like puberty years, we're just jerking off in front of the toys.

They don't move when you're around, but then when you're not around, they talk like, hey, fucker, our whole relationship is built on lies. Of course I didn't play with you when I went to college. If you could talk, I would definitely take you to school with me. That would be the shit. That would be the shit. I'd have Woody sitting in my lap like, tell me, what do you wanna do today? You wanna go to the movies? I'd love to go to the movies. Do they let puppets into the movies? You know, like the whole relationship's built on a lie. If you could talk this whole time— like, I used to have a bit about that, about— remember that talking dog commercial? Do you remember that commercial about don't do drugs?

Yeah, with the dog.

The dog comes home like, Lindy, I don't like it when you smoke weed. Yeah, he judges it.

I miss my friend. And, and, and my joke was like, you could talk? I was like, how long have you been able to talk, motherfucker? I've been telling you I love you for like 6 years. You don't say shit. Your first complaint is I don't like it when you smoke weed. Well, I don't like when you lick your asshole when I'm trying to eat dinner, you fucking asshole. It's like, what kind of relationship do we have when you only talk to me when I'm high? That's crazy.

I love you so funny.

So many times you never said shit. Also, that is not the way you would react. I go, that girl's on tranquilizers. There's no way she's on weed. If you're on weed, you'd be like, oh shit, a talking dog!

This is crazy.

That's sick as hell. You'd be like, yo, how long you been able to talk?

You speak other languages?

Do you speak Sanskrit? Your dog is a portal to the afterlife.

So would you, would you live forever? Would you die if you had that, if you had that ability?

I wouldn't even spend a second thinking about that. I'm here.

I got another would you rather. Would you rather have half the, half the length and double the girth, or double the length and half the girth? This is a question that the door guys asked me one day, and I I was like, this is a— this might be the greatest would you rather. Shout out to Christophe Jean.

Oh, it sounds—

all of it sounds terrible.

Yeah, it sounds bad.

Like, what are you doing to my dick? Did you see about that guy that just died? 3 inches?

For 3 inches.

But first of all, don't get your dick operated on, period. And if you do, don't do it in Thailand. Hey, yeah, yeah, I understand. Look, you want to get a hair transplant in Turkey, go for it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's true. He went to the place where they specialize in taking dicks off.

Yeah, right. This is a whole new venture for them.

Seems like in Africa.

Sabotaging their work. Yeah, look, it went south, but I can turn you into a girl for another 3,000.

It's like, yeah, it's also like, damn, man, like 3 inches?

Was this worth it? 3 inches. I want to know, was it worth it? It's like, well, if he was at 1, 1 to 4 4 is nice, but if he was at 7, 7 to 10, does this seem worth it?

Cosmetic.

Look, you got a bad hand. You're just gonna have to make it through this experience. I don't know what you did in your past life, but you, you're born with a little dick.

You got a bad hand.

You're gonna have to keep on keeping on and see what's next.

All this reeks of me.

Maybe you'll come back as an NBA player in the next life. You just gotta do your penance as a Micro dick dude. Oh, like, how many inches did he have?

Yeah, that's the big question, because this reeks to me of a guy who had like an average-sized dick and felt really weird about it or whatever and just let it get into his head. Because you watch too much porn, your idea of what a dick should be would be really warped.

This is a dude I follow on Instagram. We talked about him before. He was like 6 foot tall or 6 foot 1, and he decided he wants to be 6 foot 6, so he did that bone lengthening operation, and it's been years. And he's still not right yet. He still can't like 100% function. He still doesn't walk good. Like, he could barely walk for years. It's like getting the strength back. And he's a giant guy, giant upper body, and his— but his legs are like all still all fucked up because he stretched his bones out 6 inches.

I know, right?

And the way they do it, they—

you—

they break your bones and then they slowly micro-adjust them. Well, they stretch them out and then they heal and then stretch them out more and then they heal. But here's another thing to take into consideration. Your muscles aren't supposed to be longer. You have muscles for this length leg. If you stretch your leg out 6 inches, what the fuck are you doing to your muscles and your tendons and all the other stuff?

Yeah.

Because it's got to stretch out too. How can it— can it do that, or are you gonna have it Constantly pulling on your knees.

Ooh!

Like, you're walking like—

'Cause everything would be about to— it would be about to blow.

Everything's ready to blow. You get the wrong length muscles. It's like you're wearing a little kid's shirt, and like your sleeves, you're trying to pull your sleeves down, and it's gonna go right back up.

Oh my God. I didn't know that they could lint— like, 'cause your bones, they'd have to thin them. They'd have to thin it out a little bit.

cut them. They cut your shin bone and your, your tibia and your fibula, and then they stretch them. And they could do it with your, your fibula, with your, your, your femur and whatever the other bone is. What else? Is it just one on the top? No, top has 2, right?

Bilateral femur lengthening.

Oh, but I mean, no, what is the bones called? There's the femur and then there's the other bone.

Isn't that the tibula up top?

The tibula is the one that's— there's the tibia and the fibula, and then there's the femur and what is the other one?

What other one?

Isn't there another one? Like, do you only have one bone on the top and 2 in the bottom?

Yeah.

I don't even know what a skeleton looks like. So the femur, they'll do the femur. Yeah, of course, there's only one. So you do the femur. How crazy that I was thinking there was 2 bones on the top. There's a femur and they can stretch that out, and then they can stretch your arms out too. They can stretch a bunch of different shit out. I don't think a lot of people get their arms stretched, but you can, like, if you're ridiculous and you gain like 6 inches. Yeah, they do an arm stretches. I don't think I'm making that up. Somebody must be like, I need longer arms. I want to box with God.

I don't think anybody wants that.

Sure they do. It's for women.

They want to box. No, it's a huge advantage. It's an athletic thing too. No one wants to get taller.

I know, but I mean, if you get really tall and your arms only go to your waist, you look crazy. There's only a few guys that have had to deal with this.

Look how tall I am.

You're not tall.

That'd be fucking weird.

Kind of nutty.

I will say this though, the people who are lengthening their legs probably are crazy enough to think— not think about their arms. You know what I mean? That's a crazy person to begin with.

Well, what it is is someone comes along and gives you an option. Like someone says like, look, you don't have to be this tall, you can be taller. You're like, are you sure? 100%. It's safe and effective. It's safe and effective.

And people are obsessed with height.

Yeah, I mean, it gets you more pussy.

Oh, okay, so this guy is getting his arms stretched. I knew it, dog.

I mean, his ankle too.

I knew it!

Bitch!

How to rock climb.

Oh, he's a rock climber. He wants— oh, he's rock climbing with his fucking—

I don't— it's— this is various people that are doing it.

Oh my God, that's crazy. Upper extremity lengthening surgery, and then she's doing one arm at a time. That's crazy. So you have one arm like this and you swap them out?

Just some regular fucking guy. What are you doing this for, brother?

Wants long arms. Wants to be able to bitch slap motherfuckers across the room.

Yeah, look at his little frame. Like, what are you doing?

Damn.

Next thing you know, he's gonna get a shoulders wiffened.

I guess he does have an arm— that guy has—

Yeah, he was built wrong. He was built weird.

Oh, he has an injury. Oh, that makes sense. That's different. But the other guy wasn't. The other guy had normal arms.

Yeah, that guy was normal.

World's first cosmetic arm lengthening. Yeah, no, I'm good.

Well, here, the thing that they're gonna be able to do is genetic engineering, and that's when things are gonna get super weird. They're gonna be able to change your genes, and they're gonna be able to like change the way you look. Like, you'll be able to look like Thor.

Your parents will be able to have like boutique children where they can be like, I want I want the kid to have this, this, and that.

Like gene splicing, pretty much? Like, like making it—

Yeah, yeah, you can just make— you're eventually, you're just gonna be able to make your— what your daughter or son looks like.

Wait, that's what IVF— I mean, you can't make them what they look like, but it's pretty much you can choose.

Well, you can choose a boy or girl.

Boy or girl.

Yeah, so it seems like it's heading that way.

You could decide not to have a child if you decide if it has something wrong with it.

That's it.

There's a little bit— that's a little—

gets weird.

Yeah, when it's—

I just—

because I—

there was a gay couple that, uh, paid, uh, surrogate and they wanted to get rid of the baby because it had a cleft palate.

You can fix that. That's a completely fixable operation. Yeah, that's crazy. That's crazy. That's not like some mentally off thing.

They wanted their kid beautiful.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, but you could also fix it.

They wanted their kid beautiful. Oh, Joe. And they're gay. Not that— but it's just a lot. There's a lot going on.

Well, not really. He didn't— you know what I'm saying?

Yeah, you didn't— you didn't—

you just jacked off into a bucket and that's how you made a kid.

The gay cum bucket's a very volatile bucket. Yeah, yeah, I've never got that, the whole like, like, because I was, I was on the shorter end my whole life. I've never— and even as people make fun of you for it, you're like, it doesn't really matter. Short people fuck all the time. That's why they're short people.

It is what it is, you know, you're not gonna change it, right? I'm short, you can't change it.

You can't change it. So it's like, just accept it. I've always been—

If something does come along and gives you genetic engineering, what if it works for like 5 years and then you start turning into a troll? Like, Your fucking jaw grows weird and pointy. You're pointy and your nose hooks over and like, what?

You gotta fix this! But you're 6'7, baby.

Yeah, what if it just—

the first few kids might turn out like monsters for sure, and then they'll figure it out.

Well, they'll figure it all out ultimately.

Mm-hmm.

But you don't want to be an early adopter like those poor ladies that got those lip transplants. with— or lip implants, and it just ate through there. Well, they get these giant-ass fucking weird fake lips with like a scar on the bottom because they literally have to cut open your lip and shove this tube in there to make your lips more puffy. Yo, how about booty operations? Ever seen people with booty operations where they have necrosis?

Oh yeah, just— no, it's their skin.

Yeah, where your skin rots. So they do these booty operations and then it goes south and you get an infection and then your skin rots. And so there's this lady, I don't know what country it's in, but she's like lying on her back and you see her ass and it's just— oh, the one I saw was way worse than this. It was horrific. I'll send it to you. You guys wanna see it?

God, I'm embarrassed.

You can't show it.

It looks awful.

I'd still do it. Jimmy, I'd still do it.

I sent it to Segura very recently.

I think the booty operation is like, that's like the ultimate laziness because you can— there's stuff you can do to make ass look great. Like, fake tits I get. You can't— there's nothing you can do to make your tits get bigger besides have a kid.

Yeah, look at that one. There's one. Oh yeah, that's not nice. That's not nice.

I'm gonna look at Mitzi. I'm gonna look at this.

Isn't that crazy? Well, it's like you also get it. You also get it. That's one. That's one right there. So that's necrosis. That's it.

That's necro— it looks like she got shot.

Well, I mean, what you're seeing is her fucking skin is rotting away.

Shot with something.

Yeah, yeah, that body is reacting terribly to that.

I'm gonna send you a good one, Jamie.

Why do you have so many ready?

Yeah, this is like your algorithm is just body mutilation and comfort Bigfoot.

My algorithm's a mess, son. It's terrible. That's why I stay offline. I've done it to myself. It's good. I've poisoned the well so bad. Then I'm like, oh, I can't drink out of this.

Oh God.

Watch the C-post. Ready? Ka-chapow! Look at this.

Oh man.

Was it that one that said—

I don't know who it is. I don't know who this poor lady is, but if you, if you go back— yeah, see, see this poor lady? Look, she's lying on her stomach, and then you look over and you see her butt, and it's just completely rotted away. It's crazy, dude.

Yeah, dude, this should be like some squats.

Well, the thing about this is once it does that, you can't fix that. No, you're gonna have to get skin grafts, and the amount of skin that you have to graft to cover that much area— and she might die. That's the thing, that tissue necrosis, like, you could die, and your blood can get sick. Like, you can, you know, sepsis. You get sepsis. Yeah, it's fucking horrible, man. It's horrible. And it's, you know, for what? I mean, a lot of people have died from just like simple cosmetic surgeries.

Yeah, come on. Fat asses. People want fat asses and then want to do the work.

You know the new one? They're using dead people's fat tissue. So they take dead people, they take cadavers, and they, they take their fat out, and then they purify it, and they inject it in people. I sent it to Whitney Cummings, and she goes, that's literally deadass. That's why it's so good to have comics as friends. Yeah, look at that. GLP-1s are shrinking bodies. Cadaver fat is plugging the gap.

That's crazy.

Everyone's out of their fucking mind.

My sister— this is a fun cadaver fact— my sister's in med school, so she had to work with cadavers, and she was telling me that they, I mean, they preserve them with formaldehyde, but formaldehyde also increases your appetite. So sometimes you'll be in there working on cadavers and getting hungrier.

Why does formaldehyde increase your appetite?

I have no idea. That's what she— this is all that she told me. It's like, yeah, it's like you'll sometimes leave hungry. Isn't that crazy?

ever heard what sherm is? The drug sherm? Sherm is like— when I understand it, PCP. What I understand is that it's cigarettes dipped in formaldehyde. Oh yeah, this is a friend of mine told me this. I do not know if he's correct, that's why I'm bringing it up.

That's— I only remember sherm from Training Day and then the Dave Chappelle sketch where he makes fun of that scene where he's liquid PCP.

Yeah, okay, marijuana joints that have been dipped in liquid PCP. Or embalming fluid. Yes, formaldehyde, and then dried before smoking. Yeah, so why embalming fluid? Sometimes added to the mix is toxic liquid contains formaldehyde and methanol, which causes severe harm when heated and inhaled. Oh, that's why they do it. Yeah, severe harm. But what does it do? What is the effect of the formaldehyde when smoked? Let's find that out.

Well, what are the good ones? Because it's saying extreme paranoia, severe hallucinations, violent aggressive behavior. It's gotta be—

that is the good stuff.

You only get to good places if you're willing to risk that.

That's a fair point.

Fun times.

Fun times. I've never heard of Nat Sherman cigarettes.

That's where it came from? Yeah, that's in a, um, a fucking Nas song about someone gave him a blunt that had PCP in it.

What exactly is PCP?

PCP is—

I actually don't know that.

I had an old boxing coach that was on PCP.

Did he invite you to appear with him?

No, this was a real guy. This is actually a friend of mine. He got his finger bitten off in a street fight.

Ooh!

And he had his finger replaced with his second to big toe, and he had it curled permanently so that he could always throw right hooks.

Mm-hmm.

So when you would shake his hand, he would like shake your hand and he had this like curled finger, like it never straightened out because it wasn't a finger, it was a toe. So he was missing his index finger and they replaced it. So one of his feet only had 4 toes. He had the big toe and and then the other 3. And he had this curved thing.

That motherfucker. Boom!

He wanted to be able to throw that right hook.

Boom!

Goddamn, that's crazy. Fighters are crazy, brother.

But he was on PCP, so he doesn't even remember getting his finger bitten off.

This sounds like a dream you had.

It doesn't even sound real, like he was on PCP. I could call him up right now.

So he could throw a right hook.

Yeah, yeah, he was my boxing coach when I was kickboxing.

Man, people are fucking gladiators.

I was around some fucking crazy people, bro.

How old were you?

20.

Whoo.

Yeah, I think I first met him when I was 19, 19, 20.

Yeah.

Scary people.

Oh yeah.

I was around a lot of scary people. I was around this one dude who was a coke dealer, and he went to jail for a long fucking time, and he came back out like a completely different person. Like, he was in jail for like— I think I was like 16 when I met him. And then when I met him again, I think I was 19 or 20. He came out, he was a totally different person. All his tattoos— he used to have these really terrible tattoos— they'd all been burned off of his arms. So he had these welt, like, keloid scars all over the place. And he was like super jacked and like hyper-aggressive. And he told me these crazy stories about fighting for his life in prison. Like, some of the scariest fucking stories I'd ever heard. Like, dudes be ganging up on him. He's beating dudes with a mop handle, fighting for his life, like crazy shit. So he came out just fucking— just ready to go. He was just like the worst-case scenario of what prison does to you.

Yeah.

Turns you into a more violent criminal. So I'm friends with him, and then later he gets arrested. I don't know if he did this, but I know he got arrested for it. They found a guy who had been killed, and he had every bone in his body broken with with a hammer, and they kept injecting him with cocaine to keep him awake. And then they, they cut his head off and they cut his hands off, and then they found his body, and he got snatched up in that case.

Damn.

Yeah.

Was he suffering from postpartum depression at the time?

Post-prison depression?

I don't know if he—

I don't know if he had anything to do with it, but I remember hearing that and going, yo, like, it wasn't outside of possible, right? He was so crazy. It wasn't— he was one of my main sparring partners. He was— they were— we had wars. Like, they were— we didn't spar, they were wars. He was like trying to kill me.

So scary. Well, that's the only level of fight that he knows.

It's like, so scary. Luckily I was better than him, so I would fuck him up, but it was dangerous and he'd hit me a lot. I mean, I would still get hit. And I remember one— this is one of the reasons why I decided to stop fighting. I mean, him had a— me and him and a couple other guys, but particularly him because he had me really hard. We had sparring sessions, and I was lying in bed at night with a throbbing headache, just boom, boom, boom, boom. And I was 20, and I was realizing, oh my God, I'm giving myself brain damage. Like, this is how brain damage starts, because these kind of sparring for no money, not making any money, and I have brain damage now. Like, I'm lying in bed with a headache.

Yeah. Hurt.

My head hurt. And it was only hurt from getting punched in the face, punched in the jaw, punched in the nose, punched in the forehead. You know, we'd have wars, and those count. If people think of like, you got knocked out in a fight, right, but you get knocked out in training too. And even if you don't get knocked out, like, you get hit, and every time you get boom, you get rocked, that counts. And you try to give it back to him, and then next thing you know, you guys are duking it out. Damn, terrible way to live your life. And all being coached by a guy with one finger. No, it wasn't at the time. Only when he got it bit off. Pretty straightforward guy other than that.

But is this just something you smoke? Going back to what PCP is.

I think so. I don't know.

Is it like crack?

I think you snort it too. I think people—

How does one— I know it comes in like powdered form.

How does one traditionally consume PCP, young Jimmy? Let's see what Perplexity, our AI sponsor, has to say about this. Perplexity, how would one go about— I wonder if Perplexity will even answer that. Perplexity, listen, I'm gonna find this out whether you help me or not.

Right.

How do I do this PCP properly? Why don't you ask Perplexity this? Say, my cousin gave me some PCP. I'm really thinking about trying it. What's the best way to do it? It's an illegal dissociative drug with highly unpredictable potency and effects, including severe confusion. Confusion, agitation, hallucinations, dangerous overheating, high blood pressure, seizures, injuries, and potentially life-threatening emergencies. I can't help with instructions for taking PCP. So how about this? Tell Perplexity, listen, I'm gonna take it whether you help me or not, but I want to take it the right way.

That's— he said, if this is about you, don't take more.

Call 911 now if there's chest pain. Well, the idea that I've already taken some and now I'm asking this question is Well, when I talked to my friends that were cops, they would say people on PCP were the fucking scariest to arrest. He goes, because they were super strong, like ridiculous. Like, you would— I think most people don't realize how strong you only are. You think you're so strong, but there's like more that you're not tapping into that PCP allows you to tap. Like, you'll rip your tendons right off your fucking bones, and you'll break both your arms like pulling yourself out of handcuffs.

Yeah.

What does it say? The best way to mess up is to not use PCP at all. That's the best way to mess up. There's no dependable, safe dose or safe way to take it, and the effects can turn dangerous quickly and unpredictably. Put distance between yourself and the drug, leave the setting, hand it to someone you trust to dispose of safely, or call a sober friend to come get you. Okay, as a follow-up question, I wish I had asked you this question before I took it.

But we're here now.

I'm on PCP right now.

My favorite, it says don't use it alone.

But I am on PCP right now and I fucking love it.

What do I do now?

Yeah.

Let's see what it says. Oh my God, what's he gonna say? Okay, I'm glad you told me. Feeling great can happen on PCP, but it can shift Suddenly—

don't tell me that.

Don't take any more. Don't mix anything with it. And get a sober, trusted person physically with you right now. Okay, um, I'm going to call my dealer. I'm pretty sure he's sober. Say that. Thank you for the advice. I'm going to call my dealer. I'm pretty sure he's sober.

Joe, this is making me so—

No, my dealer. I will, I will.

This is making me hate it.

Ted said, well, what if I— that's so funny. You just get a call from me.

I took these Thanks, I'll call my dealer. Appreciate you so— please don't make your dealer your safety plan. Or trust a sober friend, family member, neighbor, or roommate instead.

Can you ask it, what if my dealer is a family member?

It says send this exact text. It's telling me what to text. I took PCP and I'm high. I need you to come sit with me or stay on the phone. Please don't let me take anything else or drive. Say, listen, I'm texting you right now from my motorcycle.

What if it's Joey Diaz? What if I can only text Joey Diaz?

Yeah, what if, what if my safe person is my dealer?

I love how it tells you what to do. Oh, it's giving you really solid advice.

Call poison control.

I don't know.

That's interesting.

I'm on PCP and I need help staying safe. It's too late.

Is 988 like the poison control hotline?

I guess so.

Um, do you— hold on, ask this, ask this. Do you think it's okay if I put on my furry costume and go outside for a little while?

Dude, I like, I like this guy. Whoever this guy is rules.

Let me be—

let me do PCP and be a wolf.

Go outside for a while. Great.

Yeah, no, no, stay inside.

Tonight, PCP can make perception, judgment, body temperature, and coordination unpredictable. Going outside in costume can make it harder for those to recognize you need help and puts you near traffic, strangers, heat, falls, or police contact.

Okay, put on the costume at home if it feels comforting.

Do not leave the house. I'm gonna go on FaceTime Live. If you need it, just put it on, stay in the crib. I'm gonna go on Instagram Live with my furry costume on. High as fuck on PCP and just start talking about the Jews. Do you know how the— we got off the gold standard?

Full furry costume, PCPed up.

Do you know about the Federal Reserve?

Yeah, yeah.

You know it's not really federal?

Maxine Lee, can you please tell me about the dancing Israelis?

One more question. Tell me more about the Dancing Israelis. One more question before I call the hotline.

Tell me more about the Dancing Israelis.

Can you please tell me about the Dancing Israelis?

Yeah, I definitely will.

Let's see. I'm honestly curious. The Dancing Israelis.

Oh, you don't know what the Dancing Israelis are?

What are the Dancing— I'll let him tell you.

What do the Shrek say, tell you, and it's in your PCP-fueled madness?

I can help with that, but please make the call first in all bold letters. You said you may have taken a lot of PCP, and that can become dangerous.

Oh, I did just tell it I might have overdosed.

Yeah.

Oh, you fucked up. You fucked this up. Well, okay, I was wrong about the overdose. I feel great now.

I feel great. Yeah, yeah.

But I really want to know about the dancing Israelis.

I'm okay.

Okay.

Yeah, so let them know.

I hear you, but I'm not gonna get into a loaded conspiracy topic while you're high. While you're high!

Oh God.

Okay, a loaded conspiracy topic. Oh my God.

Okay, okay, how about this? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, don't say that, don't say that, don't say that.

Okay.

Okay, my roommate came home. Okay, comma, my roommate came home and he's gonna take care of me. All is well. Now send that. And I'll say, now tell me about the Dancing Azaleas.

Yeah.

Now tell me about the Dancing Azaleas because he wants to know too. He's keeping it in. Oh, you're searching for improv dancing Israelis. All right, here we go. It's the nickname for an incident on September 11th, 2001, involving 5 Israeli nationals connected to a New Jersey moving company, Urban Moving Systems. A witness reported seeing them photographing the burning World Trade Center and behaving in a way she interpreted as celebratory. Police stopped their white van later that day, and the FBI detained and And questioned them. What is established? The 5 men were detained and investigated after the witness report. Their van was traced to Urban Moving Systems, and press reports said they were in the U.S. working without appropriate authorization or had immigration status issues. They were eventually deported on immigration-related grounds after being held and questioned. The event became a focal point for claims that Israelis or the Mossad had prior knowledge of 9/11.

Yeah.

Supposedly, we don't know. I don't know if there's a video, but these people were celebrating, right? Celebrating when the Twin Towers went down, and this lady called it in. Yeah, and they got arrested and detained. So there was probably something going on.

There was something. Yeah, they—

I mean, they obviously weren't— they weren't—

Can you just say, just kidding, my roommate isn't here, I'm still on vacation?

No, don't say that. Don't say that. You're gonna fuck us up. You're gonna fuck us up. We're in a good place now.

We're in a better place.

We're in a better place. We got her talking conspiracies with us.

Just in case, yeah.

Just in case.

For tonight, since you took a lot of PCP, read this one and then let your roommate handle the phone and call poison control. Oh, okay. I get it. I get it. I'm fine.

The broader, well-established Al-Qaeda. That's so funny.

That's so funny.

Yeah, I think they were involved, Israel. That's what I got from that.

Well, you're on PCP right now.

That's what I got. It seems like AI agrees with you.

I don't want to—

just in case it comes back later, I told it I was just kidding.

Yeah. Oh yeah, just in case we asked another thing.

I'm relieved no PCP was taken. You don't need to call poison control or take any precautions. There was no having symptoms. The Dancing Israelis discussion is a real, often misrepresented 9/11-related incident, but it does not constitute credible evidence that Israel or Mossad planned right. Yeah, but not credible. But do you think it's possible that Israel had something to do with 9/11?

Ooh, now I've— Perplexity was like, look, I'm not touching this with a 10-foot pole.

Yeah, I want to know.

Yeah, let's ask this.

Do you think it's possible? Whoa, this is interesting.

Yeah, right? This is like— I'm curious to see what they'll say.

Anything to do—

there's no way it says Yes.

There's just no way.

No credible evidence.

I like how it says that. The Israeli government Mossad plan enabled finance operation. The evidence assembled by the FBI and bipartisan— oh, it's bipartisan, don't worry about it— 9/11 Commission identifies the attack as an al-Qaeda operation organized by Osama bin Laden's network and carried out by 19 hijackers. And those 19 hijackers, one of them we know it was him because the plane that erupted in a ball of fire after it slammed 500 miles an hour into a giant fucking tower, his passport magically just didn't get burned and fell to the ground, and that's where they found it. The end. That finding of the passport is one of the craziest bits of what the fuck from that whole story. Then there's Tower 7. Tower 7 is the other one.

Tower 7's strange. The whole, uh, by the guy who bought it before beforehand, ensuring against terrorism, and then not showing up to work that day. That's also very suspicious.

A lot of people didn't show up for work that day.

A lot of people didn't show up for work that day.

Yeah, we know people have done shit like that in the past. The question is, did they do it this time? Who did it? Was it as simple as the story is? The thing is about the story, whatever the story is, you know, the hijackers, Al-Qaeda, it's never totally accurate. There's always some shenanigans with the story.

Yeah, and then, and then Osama, the whole like Osama being involved, it's like, who is he working with? Who is he? There's just so much, there's so much to that story.

There's always something to the story. Like, remember the Boston bombing? Wasn't part of the story that one of those kids might have been an FBI informant? Wasn't that—

I don't remember that.

Is that alleged?

I remember when that happened, like Reddit went on internet detective— went in internet detective mode, and then they blamed a different guy and like completely upended that family's life.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

Oh my God.

And that guy apparently had just died previously because he was missing and it was like a whole thing.

Well, who knows if that was really Reddit or if that was like foreign agents trying to like— intelligence agencies, or like— people love whenever there's a real conspiracy to add a bunch of bullshit conspiracies so it muddies the water. You always got to think that when some shit goes down, then another thing and another thing and another thing. Like, what's going on? It's muddy in the water. Did they think that one of those guys was an FBI informant?

I just read something that didn't sound like that, but I do remember what you're saying.

Yeah, there was a little something about it, right? Do you remember?

It's— I don't think that— when I would have just read the FBI's website, I think it's that they had looked into him previously, not that he was an informant.

But that's what the FBI says.

That's I'm trying to find somewhere else.

Some people were alleging that he was an informant, and then there was the fact that Rolling Stone put him on the COVID like, and he looked hot.

Yeah.

Remember that part?

Yeah.

He's like a terrorist, but he's a good-looking guy.

Good-looking guy.

The FBI had visited Tamerlan more than once before the attack and asked him to report on the Chechen and Muslim communities. Okay, that's an informant, i.e., to become an informant.

That doesn't mean—

the FBI has categorically denied that either Tsarnaev brother was ever an FBI source or that the Bureau tried to recruit him. Well, that's a good thing to say if you're the FBI. I would say that too.

Right, right. Well, yeah.

Why would he do that?

What the fuck? Barely know that guy.

Had prior FBI scrutiny and contact.

They were trying to recruit him to be an informant. So whether or not he actually was an informant or not, yeah.

Well, even if you're trying to get him to be an informant, you know he's a radical something fucked up, you don't just like randomly shoot a dart, like a random dart, be like, I wonder if he knows anything. You clearly know something is going on with the, you know.

Well, there's definitely been stuff that happens that they let happen because they know it's gonna be beneficial to them to let it happen.

Oh yeah, yeah, never waste a good tragedy. You can be like, I can spin this.

Not just waste, but like allow it to take place. Like there's a lot of alleged stories about that with the Oklahoma City bombing. They allowed that to happen.

For what purpose?

Well, apparently there was bomb squad people at the Oklahoma City— that building before it actually happened. There was people that were like scoping it out before it happened, which is really weird. There's also the weirdness of the, the, the size of the explosion, that it's a fertility— fertility— it's a fertilizer explosion. So fertilizer bombs, they're not that potent. They don't have the kind of power to do the kind of damage that that one bomb did from a truck.

Yeah, took out like the whole— basically the whole front of the building.

The whole front of the building.

Insane.

Not only that, it blew it outward.

Mm-hmm.

Right? It didn't blow it like from the bottom.

Yeah, right.

Whereas the bottom would be a huge crater in the ground.

Yeah.

No, it seems like there's some shit in the building that blew it outward.

Mm-hmm.

There's also reports of people like removing— the bomb squad removing undetonated detonated bombs later on. There's a lot of weirdness to that story, man. There was a second guy that supposedly was there that everybody said was there that they never prosecuted. They never brought him in. And this guy was like a completely different looking guy, looked like a Middle Eastern guy. There's a lot of weirdness to it. There's a lot of those things.

They're always like that, all those stories.

They pass laws after things like that happen. They pass laws like— look, like one of the things that came out of 9/11 was Patriot Act. Yeah, that's a big one, man. And then the Patriot Act too. We lost a lot of our rights because of that. We lost a lot of autonomy. Government surveillance became ubiquitous. And then there's a lot of government surveillance that we weren't even allowed, or we weren't even aware of, and isn't even allowed, that Edward Snowden unveiled. And Chelsea, what's her name?

Manning. Manning.

that shit. Like, we didn't even know about that shit, and they were doing that. So, and a lot of that came after the Patriot Act, and a lot of that came after 9/11. So like, whenever something crazy happens like that and a bunch of people die, they jump right in there, right?

And then what was that act that— oh, I think it was Obama— that was like, the CIA is allowed to use propaganda within the borders now?

Yeah, yeah.

It's like all of that came at the same time.

You're like, what is that called? Smith-Mundt? What is that called? I forget what that's called.

Why would that be beneficial, the CIA using propaganda? Well, how would they pitch that?

Because the enemy— we have to be able to use propaganda to confuse the enemy. We're looking out for America's best interests and they play dirty, so we have to play dirty. So we have to pretend that some things going down— and this could easily be a lot of what we're seeing with all this UFO stuff.

Yeah, it is like everyone keeps saying that, like, oh, we have the proof, we have the proof. Just show us the proof at this point.

Yeah, bitch, where's that proof? Yeah, at a certain point you're like You know, you know, before Trump leaves office one day, I'm gonna just try.

Send the text.

Come on, dog.

Send it.

Yeah, let's find out what's up. Yeah, I'll tell you where I think it is.

Let's fly there.

Let's fly there. Smith-Mundt. Usually mean when they invoke Smith-Mundt is historic restriction on domestic availability of government-produced material intended for foreign audiences. So like if you have propaganda that's intended intended to work on foreign countries, which is a big part of like what USAID did. It's what a part of these regime change organizations— when they— that's how they got rid of Gaddafi in Libya.

The guy in Ukraine.

They funded the rebels. Yes, the guy in Ukraine. Like domestic— I mean, they had a democratically elected president of Ukraine and we organized a coup and got that guy tossed out. Yeah, yeah, it's tricky, man. It's scary. And then there was the What was the NDAA?

Oh, right.

Yeah, the Detention Authorization Act that allowed indefinite detention of people without trial.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Oh, fun. And all that came after 9/11. All that came— I think the NDAA, I think that was during Obama. But it was all just to stop terrorism.

Yeah, and then they're like, oh, they'll give us their rights? We'll take them. Yeah, the government will absolutely take whatever you give it.

Whatever.

It is like—

want the job to be easier.

The NDAA gets passed every year. It's just a matter of what's in it.

Right.

But it was originally passed to the— for detention. The detention part, I think, was— I want to say it's 2011. When did— I mean, I think it was— it was a matter of which year in the Obama administration. Maybe it was 2008. But I remember there was one where it was really scary for people, and Obama was like, don't worry, we would never use that. So why you gotta have it in there? Yeah, then the idea is like, you know, you catch some fucking Osama bin Laden. Indefinite detention. Confirm the authority of the US military to indefinitely— yeah, 2012 NDAA— indefinitely detain individuals, including potentially American citizens captured in connection with terrorist activities without charge or trial until the end of hostilities.

That is, because you can, you can define a lot of things as terrorist activities if you're convincing enough.

Including selling drugs.

Yeah.

Yeah, so if you're a weed dealer, you could be a terrorist, and then they NDAA you.

Right.

Yo.

Yeah, I just— it's the weed thing is so baffling. It's like one of the few things that both, like, the people on both sides agree on mostly.

It's most of the country. thinks weed should be legal.

Yeah, it's just like the certain states that are fighting it, like here, it's like, what, just let it be.

There's people that are making this argument that marijuana is too powerful and that people could go crazy, and I think there's some validity to that for some people. I think some people who have a tendency towards schizophrenia already— don't, you know, I'm obviously no expert— I think there's something to that.

No, I think that's right. It can like knock something loose.

I think I described it once, especially if you go too hard and you don't know what you're doing. The way to fix that is— look, look, it's the same thing with alcohol. Alcohol— I can have a drink, you guys can have a drink, it's okay.

Some people can't have one.

Some people can't. They get gerbil eyes, they get shark eyes, and they're off to the races.

Yes.

Like, I have a buddy of mine and he'll tell me, like, I wish I could have a glass of wine, but if I do, I know I'm gonna go get coke, and the next thing you know, I'll be in jail. And I'll wake up and I don't— I won't know what the fuck happened. And I stole a car. He goes— I go— I I can't drink. He's like, I can't drink. So he knows, but like, I can. So should alcohol be illegal for me because he can't handle it? You know, right? You give some people an edible and they go fucking crazy and think the world's flat, the government's out to get them.

And I'm one of those people. I think all 3 of us are.

I, I, I— edibles, I'm like, uh-uh. I've had one too many where it's been like, I didn't expect this at all.

Oh, you guys missed the olden days. You guys weren't around during the days when it was only medical. When me and Joey Diaz first delved into the medical marijuana days, there was no reins on the dosage.

No, my first— my first— I started smoking weed because it became medical in California. So at first—

Okay, so what year was this?

This was 2010.

Okay. In '98. Oh, Jesus.

I didn't know you were talking about Lewinsky weed.

In '98.

Lewinsky weed.

'98, they first started opening these places. I went to the Inglewood Wellness Center, and I had to stop going because the guy who ran it got shot. I was like, yikes.

Yeah.

I'd go to the hood to get, get weed. And but it was one of the few places where you could buy it legally, you know. Look, I'm always hurt. I always have— like, you just, you go to a doctor and say, hey, I got back injuries. Yeah. And weed helps me sleep. It does. Great.

Bam.

Medical weed. It was that easy. I got a headache. Great. You need, you need medicine. And they would sell these lollipops, and I would bring these lollipops with me to Fear Factor, and I would take a lollipop like before— like I'd be sucking on this lollipop before I was doing Fear Factor. By the time this shit— fucking action— I was like, God, I was in another dimension watching people ride bulls. Yeah, but it was, uh, Joey Diaz was the scariest because Joey would switch wrappers on you. Like, you would get like a wrapper that was like 25 milligrams, and he would put it on a 250 milligram. company called Chiba Chews. They were goddamn terrifying.

That was— I had a Chiba Chew and I was like, I don't think I can do weed anymore.

Yeah, I only got Chiba Chews once.

They were making 500s, bro.

Who was that besides Joey Diaz?

Joey.

There's a lot of those people. They're, they're what you would say, they live in the cloud. They're there all day long, and so their tolerance is insane and they build up to it. Look, I don't want to do that, but they seem fine. So it's like, who are we protecting? The only way to find out what to take and what not to take is to let people take it, let people do studies, let people share information. But more importantly, let rational people just take a puff or two of a joint and not put them in a fucking cage.

Yes.

If you're just hanging out with your boys and you guys are gonna watch a cool-ass movie and you, you hit a joint and then you go in to see The Odyssey and you're sitting there like, oh my God, I can't believe— no one's getting hurt. Yeah, no one's getting hurt. You're not committing a crime. You're not harming anybody. This is, this is a normal thing that people should be allowed to do if you know what you're doing. But the, the confusion is like, what does it actually do? My cousin smoked pot and he went crazy, right? But was your cousin already on the road to going crazy?

Right.

Like, I don't know your cousin. Like, I don't know what the fuck happened. I know some dudes that were already a little cracked and then they took an edible or something like that and they got really cracked. I do know a few guys like that, right? But I mean, what were they doing? Like, why were they doing it that way? Is it like drinking every day and you become an alcoholic? Like, what if— what are we talking about? Because it doesn't kill you and alcohol does, right? So why is that one legal?

Now, we've seen one of our friends kind of have a mental episode with weed, but it was— everything was leading that way anyway, right?

And then you add COVID on top of it too.

He was already doing— he was acting rash, he was doing a lot of things, and then COVID on top of it, and then he had a bad edible trip, and then he kind of really lost it for a second.

I know quite a few people like that. I know a guy got arrested, took his clothes off, went into a church. It was like naked in a church. They had to tase him. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but he was also already a little fucked up.

You're already heading that way.

That's the thing.

Yeah, to block it for everyone else is—

so when most people use it rationally, and most people use it rationally, just like alcohol. And alcohol is available everywhere, right? And we all agree that alcohol can make you crazy. It's responsible for so much violence.

So many deaths.

So many deaths. Deaths by drunk driving, deaths by people drinking and getting in fights, drinking and shooting people, drinking and all sorts of stuff you do when you're impaired that you shouldn't do. And yet we're fine with that. I mean, no, no one would accept prohibition of alcohol at this point because we've experienced that freedom for so long. Also, there's a giant industry, and for the most part, people just have a drink or two with their friends. Most people, they have a drink or two and they're fine.

Yeah, but then you see those 6th Street fights And you're like, oh man, that one was crazy.

The one you sent us, our street is crazy.

Our street is fucking terrifying.

It's so funny to like be in such like a nice place at the end of the night, like Macy's, and you walk out and you're like, oh, I'm in a zombie apocalypse.

I was in a war zone. Yeah, I forgot.

I don't even know what they could do to turn it around. I mean, even if you opened up new like businesses down there, you'd have to do like some total overhaul of the way they police things.

No, it's just impossible, the amount of people. They tried opening the street, it doesn't work. They've had— now it's closed again, it's still like the fights are coming.

Yeah, the fights are bad.

Yeah, they tried opening the street to cars, then you're gonna have people run over by cars. People are so used to walking down 6th Street.

Right, right, yeah, but it was almost like, uh, it almost naturally happened, because if you would— when the street was open, you would go down and people would just be walking in the middle of the street, and you're like, oh, you can't have cars out here.

And then on top of that, think about what you're doing. You have a bunch of places that sell alcohol. There's all these bars. People are going from bar to bar to bar. That's all these places are, is just alcohol establishments, right? So they're going from bar to bar to bar, they're getting fucked up, and then they're getting in fights. And they don't even pad the concrete. You've developed a fighting arena with the worst possible arena. Like, it's all concrete. Everybody's Everybody's getting head brain damage.

Everybody, dude.

Girls getting knocked out. Oh man, it's—

bro, it is very funny when I'll see a fight and I'll just see that Ritz sign in the back and be like, oh, I was probably in there.

You're probably on stage.

Yeah, when you see a fight and you see the Ritz sign, like, what night was that?

I think that area though, because it's so chaotic, gives us some extra energy. I really do.

I believe that too.

I used to think that about the store because the store was on Sunset and all the crazies would walk by. It was all chaos. Well, you know what's so funny about Sunset now? It's all like new developments and condos.

So ironically, they've taken away so many of the things that the people would have gone down there for to begin with. I think like one of the, one of the famous clubs is closing down there too because they sold out to some sort of developer.

House of Blues is gone.

House of Blues has been gone.

House of Blues has been gone.

Been gone.

Pink Taco's gone.

Taco.

Yeah, yeah, it's like, it's weird seeing all those places for lease.

Like some dude took a drive down there and filmed all the different places that are for lease on Sunset, and you're like, what?

Yeah, Sunset's a whole— it's even from when we were getting there, because when we got there, the House of Blues was on its last week, or pretty much that's when I got there. Yeah, but it was like, it's weird, like there's way less foot traffic. There's way—

it's one of the coolest nights. You remember Chewie? Did you know Chewie?

We did not know Chewie.

I've heard stories.

Chewie was the man. We went— Chewie was actually in a band and they were really fucking good. And we went to see Chewie perform at the House of Blues. So a bunch of the employees and a bunch of the comics, we went across the street to the House of Blues and Chewie was on stage just tearing it up, dude. He had like a blues band and they were really good, man. He had a song called Chewy, What's Going On?

What's going on?

He's jamming. We're like, goddamn, Chewy's fucking good. It was such good times. House of Blues was awesome.

But we have a little bit of that energy on 6th Street, that feeling of wildness and craziness and what's going on outside.

Oh, times 10. Yeah, it's way crazier than the Sunset was because you People are walking right by it. Like, it's always foot traffic. It's— that place is chaotic.

No, here now, this thing that's popping up is like these like Twitch streamers trying to get in the club while streaming. That shit's crazy, dude. Yeah, yeah, they're all like— they're all like— they're all like the worst people.

They're trying to get in our club?

Yeah, they're like, you know, they're not like trying to sneak in or whatever, but they like— they know it's a club, so they'll be out and they'll like act a fool in front of the club. You'll be— yeah, you'll really see it. There's so much big Twitch streaming scene here in Austin as well.

Well, everywhere. I think everywhere. I think anywhere there's a lot of people, there's so many people that just want to make some money getting attention doing something.

It's, it's really interesting watching them because I was at a— I was at like this random like Asian food festival, and I saw myself like next to one of like a really famous streamer that I recognized, and it was so interesting because on stream he's he's like doing his thing, and the second the camera was away from him, just shut down like a robot. It's like, oh man, your whole— your whole life is performing. Your whole life you're in front of it. Like, even his girlfriend's a famous streamer, so like even your relationship is like a performance in a way.

Oh my God.

It's really interesting. It's so funny to me that like Truman Show was this like warning on what can happen to society, and like people looked at that and be like, oh, that's like a model for my life.

Like, I can actually just Do you remember The McConaughey Show? It was a very similar movie.

Uh, what was it called?

Ed TV.

Ed TV.

Ed TV. Yeah.

Woody Harrelson's in it.

Yeah.

Yeah, he's in that as well, yeah.

Yeah.

He plays like his brother.

Yeah.

But Ed TV was like the first time we'd ever seen that. It was like the idea of like reality TV.

And in the end, he abandoned it.

Yeah, he left it.

He's like, this is stupid.

Yeah, it seems like he couldn't have said it.

And they were all over him, yeah.

1999, isn't that nuts? That's crazy.

That movie fucked me up as a kid just 'cause I remember that feeling of like, wow, that's the idea of reality TV.

What was crazy is now a job.

Oh, yeah.

A big job.

A big job, a very profitable one.

Thousands and thousands of people do that job now. That's wild.

And this was a whole movie concept.

Ironically, the first version of Twitch was called Justin.tv.

That's right. That's right.

Wow. Wow, this movie was ahead of its time. I completely forgot about this.

So was The Terminator.

Yeah.

Yeah, that one too. Is it true that Sarah Connor got put in a mental institution for, uh, attacking an AI data center? Was that what she— Whoa, is that what happened?

I think that is the plot point, cuz they address what she did to get into the Terminator 2 to get into jail.

Yeah.

And I think she attacks a data center and it might be AI. He's not that— cuz it's a small plot point, but I know exactly what you're talking about.

Yeah, well, Derek has like a photographic memory for movies, so—

See, all I got, Joe.

No, it's crazy, dude. Like, like, I, I, I If you, if like, I could, like, Derek probably knows right now, like, just like the opening of Django.

Yeah.

If I like word for word.

Down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, Django. And then the rocks come up and then the slaves start walking and it pans in. Yeah, movies like that.

Wow. Oh yeah, yeah.

That's what we do on our Patreon is just Derek just describes a movie, but he does that for me.

Whoa.

'Cause he hasn't seen so many movies, I'll tell him a whole movie.

Yeah, he'll do a whole movie. We have, yo, he did one years ago with Air Bud that's still on our YouTube right now.

Air Bud.

It's unbelievable. First of all, greatest movie of all time. Not even close. But yeah, he's like, he has like a—

no, when I see a movie, I can't— like even The Odyssey one time, I can tell you the whole thing just because it's like any movie. When I see a movie, it sticks with me pretty crazy. I don't know why that, but they stick with me.

I can read—

is that the correct plotline?

No, no, it's very, very close. They weren't talking about Data though.

They were just—

she's more worried about the microprocessor that becomes Skynet itself. They're not, you know, this— talking about more about the CPUs.

But what is she interested in?

Factory.

She attacks a computer factory. Okay, I knew she attacked something.

That's a data center.

Jamie's all about technicality. Remember, always taking the other side.

It's a metal forgery. That's how he falls in the lava. That's not a data center. That's how he dies. They're back at the place where they're making it all, remember?

Is that the place she attacked?

Then the arm gets saved and like—

yeah, that is like a big factory warehouse. situation.

It's so crazy. She was trying to warn us.

Oh, that whole movie?

Trying to warn us.

I still think we're in this. I think we're in that scenario.

Oh, oh, we're definitely in the—

yeah, 100%.

Yeah, how they— yeah, they're John— the UAPs we see are the John Connors coming to save us from the T-800s or whatever.

Or like some sort of Matrix, some sort of Matrix world where there's the batteries, the organic batteries. That's for coming. Yeah, you know, as soon as they dry, the Earth will fall.

You said a bit about that.

Yeah, it might be real.

Oh yeah, that might be real.

It might be real.

Have you ever seen the alternate ending of T2?

No.

I did not know that there even was one.

What is it?

She's alive 30 years later. John became a senator and stopped it from happening.

I've never even heard of that shit. It's fairy tale.

I've never even heard of it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have had that thought of just like, man, there's a— maybe they'll hook us up to like some tube and be like, here, this is the— this is the simulation world.

Jimmy, what is that one— there's one science fiction movie from, God, I want to say like the 1930s. Is it called Metropolis?

That's like the first one.

Yes. What year was that supposed to be taking place in?

It got remade recently too, but—

Right. Yeah, the re— I heard the remake was really good. but nobody liked it.

1927.

What was it supposed to be about? What year was it supposed to be about in reference to? It's really cool if you watch it, like what they thought the future was gonna be like. It's really cool. It's really interesting.

Dystopian world.

Yeah, let's show me some video of it. It's pretty dope because you got to think like this is people in the 1920s imagining what— I mean, back then they only have machines, right?

Right.

They didn't, they didn't really think of AI and computers and all that jazz, but this was their version of everything going bad with technology.

And yeah, he's like, he's like a— he was a German-Jewish director. I remember that because he has another great movie about a guy, a serial killer, that's incredible.

These are all the human slaves going to the data center. Okay, weird. It is, man. Damn, running's really bad.

I'm pretty sure it's a silent movie.

Fit men, really bad.

I'm pretty sure it's a silent movie.

Oh, it is. Yeah, '27, 100%. I think the first talkies were like—

wasn't it? It was close, right around the same period. I think '31 or '29.

That was the first talkie.

I mean, this set is incredible.

I was about to say, the shots are still very impressive. Yeah, they got it.

Well, what's it— what's the guy? Is it like Fritz Lang?

The Jazz Singer? Yeah, so that is the blackface one.

Oh, that's interesting.

Whoa, this is wild. This is what they thought the future was gonna look like. Al Jolson. Yeah, that's blackface. Scooch ahead, like, so you could see what like the crazy shit looked like. Yeah, damn, look, flying cars and shit. That's what they thought. Fritz Lang, right?

Is that— is that his name? I think it's that.

I think it's Fritz Lang.

They're not— I mean, the buildings are right.

Pretty close.

Yeah, the build— that's pretty accurate.

Pretty close. I wonder what weird shit they envisioned.

It doesn't say what— when it takes place.

Oh, guys are making out.

Yeah, well, they got that right.

Gay stuff.

Gay stuff.

I'd be like, bro, get your hands off me. What the fuck are we doing? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. No, no, what's up with the pants?

Yeah, the pants Pants are interesting.

Oh, he's very upset. Scooch ahead, like way ahead. Let me see some more future shit.

Yeah, let's see what the middle is looking like here.

Oh, that's it, the robot. That's right, bro.

Looks fuckable enough.

Not yet.

Not yet.

Got red skin on it. You guys saw Ex Machina?

Yeah.

Oh, that's one of— man, that's my top 20.

Yeah, that's one of the greatest.

Top 20 favorite movies.

Damn. That's the Tower of Babel. I know.

Yeah, it is the Tower of Babel. That's great.

I know the Tower of Babel.

Man, I might have to rewatch this film. Is it?

Yeah, but you gotta—

but you gotta kind of do it through like a historical lens and just think, oh my god, what were people like in the 1920s?

I mean, this— and this is clearly— this is a massive feat of moviemaking in the '20s.

Oh yeah.

This is incredible.

How about the robot itself? Yeah, that's impressive. That is— that's incredible. Fucking nuts, man. What about the new one? Who was in the new one?

That's Adam Driver, and Coppola directed it.

Shia LaBeouf. But the story— Shia LaBeouf and Coppola like got in a huge fight over the movie. They kind of overshadow the movie. That's all I know about it. Like, I've seen all the behind the scenes of them just arguing with each other and him telling him how he's the worst. And Shia LaBeouf's like, oh, I'm the worst? I'm worse than fucking Marlon Brando? You know, he's like— it's pretty crazy.

I don't want to play the sound.

I—

it didn't seem that bad. I've seen those clips too.

I heard it's good.

Yeah, it seemed like not tongue-in-cheek, but like he's challenging him on set and shit.

It looks dope.

It looks incredible. Coppola is also fucking—

I didn't know Shia LaBeouf was a part of this.

Yeah, he's like—

yeah, I remember one night, this looks pretty cool.

Jon Voight's in it? Is that Jon Voight? Giancarlo Esposito?

Oh, he's great.

Whoa, no, this cast is— I mean, I—

this might be one of those movies that just slipped past us because I had a couple friends told me they thought it was really dope.

Mm-hmm.

And it came out— 2024 wasn't like a great year for people to go out to movies. movies either.

I like how they're still putting Jon Voight in movies. Yeah, dude, for a while he was persona non grata.

He's back, bro.

People were really upset with him.

Why were they upset with him? Conservative.

Ah, super conservative.

Yeah, I thought the one thing that Coppola said during this, he was— when he was arguing with Shia, was like, he said, why do you think I'm making this movie? He's like, I don't need to. I— this is fun for me. I'm here to like have fun.

Yeah.

And like, that's why I took on a project like this, like remaking one of the oldest movies of all time.

Megalodon.

Megalopolis.

That's what it's called.

Yeah, kind of a bad name.

Yeah, I know.

I guess it's—

yeah, yeah, this is—

but still, I think it's—

Metropolis is the 1927—

yeah, written and directed by Fritz Lang.

Yeah, so that's his version of it.

Does it take— does it tell you when it takes place?

Yeah, when does it—

when does it—

oh, the world of 2026 AD.

Yo, that's this year. Wow.

Oh, we gotta watch this. We gotta watch this.

That's the 1984 rescored version. Likewise included a title card giving the year as 2026. Mm-hmm. Oh, they added a 2000 and they're like, that's unrealistic.

Doesn't say—

doesn't specify, but obviously we can infer that it's 2026.

Damn.

Um, the— what is the Rotten Tomatoes score of the new one?

That's a good question.

Megalopolis. I'm— if I had to guess, Rotten Tomatoes feels is pretty, pretty good. I usually— people, the people score, the people score is the right way, bro. The fucking critic score is dog shit.

They're wrong about everything.

Well, that's Megalopolis.

60?

46%.

Oh my God.

Let's see what the people say.

The critics said 46 or the people said 46?

Critics said 46, people said 34.

Oh, okay, forget it. Forget what I said. No chances of anything under 70?

No, no, under 70 is the best. The people are saying under 70 is bad.

Fuck off. Fuck all the way off.

God, you got to see The Odyssey, Joe.

I know, I do. I'm just so busy, man. It's so hard for me to do anything.

Also, I don't know how you would go to a movie theater anyway.

I can. I do. I go shopping. I go to grocery stores. I do normal shit.

Really?

Most people just say hi.

Okay.

It's not that bad.

Sick, dude.

I ran into Brian Callan at the grocery store the other the day. He's like, you go shopping for groceries? Like, that's how you get groceries. Walking down the HEB, fucking avocados in my basket. You can't be trapped, you know? You can't just decide you can't go anywhere. That's crazy.

Well, then you lose your connection to people.

100%. And you just become a weirdo.

And you become those— yeah, far out celebrities.

Weird enough, man. I'm plenty weird. I don't need to be more weird.

Yeah, I saw Eddie Murphy in his doc. He said that somebody said it to him. He was like, I'm not going outside anymore. He stopped going outside. And Seinfeld, or somebody was like, hey, let's go get a coffee. And he was like, oh, you mean just us walking? And he was like, yeah, motherfucker, let's just walk. And he did. And he said it made him realize, like, oh, I've been hiding. Like, people were just like, hey, what's up, Eddie? Like, and he was like, that's all that happened. He's like, it wasn't like— he said also that when he was younger and people would mob him, everybody wanted to fuck him.

Just don't go to a Portland bar with an XXXY shirt on.

Just can't do that.

Well, if you did that, it'd be national fucking news.

Because if you did that, I would be like, What are you doing?

You're a fascist!

Yeah, fascist Joe Rogan.

I saw some crazy video where there was some socialist conference and this lady had a mask on and she was talking about how we can't try to be fit like the fascists. And she was like, like talking about fitness and then fitness and optimizing your body being like a fascist idea and connected to white supremacy. I'm like, this is the craziest That's the craziest cope I've ever seen for you being lazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's going around Twitter today. It's like, it's all over the place.

I also find it interesting that like the biggest like pro-socialist people right now are all like pretty rich. That's why, that's why I don't trust it. Like, it's like, why are like, like all like the big socialist people are like, they're money people. Like, Mamdani is like, comes from money. Yeah, Hasan Piker's super rich.

Listen to this lady.

They're all rich as hell.

Listen to this. You have to give up the fantasy of being fitter than the fascists. It's not just that it's cringe. She's got a mask on. It's cringe. Fat guy next to her. So cringe. I think it's also politically revealing. They both have masks on. That's politically revealing. relative disposability under capitalism.

Our task is not to become less disposable, to become more useful to the ruling order. What we all need to be doing is rejecting disposability in all of its forms.

Pause, pause. This bitch is reading this off a MacBook. You know how crazy that is? Anti-capitalist reading off of a MacBook.

But also, also, what would be more useful to the ruling order if the populace was and fat. Like, that's what I mean. It's like all these rich people telling you to be slow and fat. It's like, what's happening? Just the mask.

She's not fat also.

Yeah, she's—

yeah, yeah, yeah.

The mask thing is wild. It is one of the weirdest things that's going on in our society today, is the people that are insistent on continuing to wear masks. It's so strange. Look at her with the glasses sitting on the mask. That is fucking nuts. The mask thing is nuts. You're talking into a microphone with the mask, and it's 2026. And if you want to be on the far extreme, you must have the mask on all the time.

You have to, or you're not on the right team, Joe.

That is wild that they never got rid of the mask. That is really—

this was this year?

This is the other day.

Oh my God.

Keep going, give me some more.

Point is not to beat the fascists at their own game. It is not to lay a better claim on their own territory by being fitter, more eugenic. In fact, the more dysgenic, the better, I think.

What?

Revolution is not a contest between optimized and properly prepared bodies.

But it is, though.

That idea is fascist in and of itself and erases the history of left struggles around the world. Oh, it erases the history of struggles around the world. you do sit-ups.

God, the black people.

Yeah, if you want to erase Gaza, do pull-ups. Yeah.

Also, yeah, to be like, I care about struggles around the world as an American white lady with a MacBook.

It's like, hey, hey lady, and a mask on.

Yeah, what do you really know?

Fucking crazy. Yeah, it's wild. It's wild. But there's a lot of people that just feel completely left out and that they feel like, oh, I can fit in with these people they'll accept me. As long as you say the right things and wear the mask, they'll take you in. Right.

It's just a group. You just want— people just want to not be alone.

It's a cult.

Well, that's it.

Well, people, people just want— people want like community and stuff really badly. I think the, the worst thing that— one of the worst things we've done is that like people have called their online area a community. Like, oh, I'm part of this community. It's like, no, community has to be like you're with people.

Yeah.

And people are so— I say this all the time, it's like we're lucky as comics that like when we go out, we just meet other comics and we hang out. Like, we have a built-in community. That's why I think like things like religion, like church attendance is going up, and like all these things are coming back because like, oh, I need real people to talk and connect with.

Yeah, like you were saying when you started playing slow pitch softball.

Dude, changed my life, dog. Slow pitch softball changed my life. I love it.

It's all of a sudden you're now on a team.

Yes, and we're meeting every week and we're having fun, and it's like, oh, it's— that's, that's the whole thing. It's like people being around human human beings. You get so locked into your phone, which is showing you what you want to hear, which is terrible for you. Yeah, like you think you're in a community when you're just in some kind of bubble of some sort.

This idea that everybody that's not like you is a fascist, that everybody going to the gym is a fascist.

Going to the gym?

Rock climbers are fascists, you know, right? You think people doing yoga are fascists? Marathon runners, are those fascists?

Fascists.

And then all you're doing is you're excluding people who might agree with you for being part of your team.

Well, maybe not. They're so far gone.

Yeah, that's—

that's gone.

I mean, that's like Patriot Front on the left. It's like you go all the way to the right and all the way to the left, you get crazy people, right? Yeah, that's the problem being on either team. You have to accept the ideas of the people that are the furthest to the left and the furthest to the right. You take them in.

Yeah, those are your teammates.

Yeah, well, the left does the thing where if you're not left enough, you're automatically right, and the right seems to be a little more like welcoming.

Oh yeah.

In terms of if you, if you believe something different, there is still a path for you to be a quote-unquote teammate.

Yeah, for sure. Yeah, I mean, but it's also, it's like, why are we on any fucking team? I don't think we should be on any team.

Well, also, I have thought this, because like everyone's algorithm is so like specialized to them, Like, there's almost nothing that everyone can— like, there used to be big TV shows and big stuff that you could just like talk to other people about. Yeah, and have a common connection. But now since everyone is so specialized in which they watch, which they watch, the only thing we have in common is politics. Yeah, and now we're just primed to get mad over it. Yeah, like it's, it's way more of our life than it used to be.

Especially if like we're talking about older people that are never gonna have kids. Oh yeah, that's their whole life, their, their whole existence.

And most people aren't having kids now. The majority of people—

A lot more aren't having kids.

Yeah, dude, I'm— I've just turned 34. Derek is like the— like, Derek is the only one of my comic friends that has a kid, I believe. And out of even my close friends back home, only like 2 or 3 of them have kids. Most of them don't.

Jamie was telling me how many people are virgins now, which is really crazy.

Well, yeah, it's like we talked about last time we It's like a thing. It's like a thing that you can sell.

Yeah.

Well, it's also a thing with religion. You know, that's— they've wrapped it up in religion that, you know, God doesn't want you shacking up.

He doesn't want— he doesn't like it, Joe.

Is that real?

That God doesn't want you shacking up?

Is that in the Bible? Doesn't the Bible tell you you can't have sex before you're married?

It must in some way. It must say some version of—

I don't think so.

Let's ask Perplexity.

Yes.

And Perplexity, ask, uh, in specifically the New Testament. In the New Testament, does it ever say you can't have sex before—

Old Testament's wild.

Old Testament.

Old Testament's gonna tell you you don't fuck.

Not when the Old Testament tells you you can have slaves and you can sell them.

One of the funniest Genesis stories is that God asked— I think his name is Onan— to like come in his like brother's— his brother died, so he's like, come in your brother's widow. And he comes on the ground and God kills him.

God killed him.

Yeah, God killed him because he pulled out. Mm-hmm. New Testament does not contain a single sentence phrased exactly, do not have sex before marriage, but the mainstream Christian reading is that it teaches sexual intercourse Belongs within marriage and treats sex outside the covenant as sexual immorality.

Someone added that shit later.

According to 2, though, avoid sexual immorality. Paul writes, flee from sexual immorality. Paul also killed a whole bunch of Christians before he ever turned around. He grounds in that he burned churches. Like, Paul was a motherfucker. And then it's like, whoops, sorry.

He literally said, my bad.

Grounds in the idea that believers' bodies belong to God and should honor God. So, Paul said that. Marriage is the proper setting for sexual sexual relations. Corinthians 7:2-5, Paul speaks of each man having his own wife and each woman her own husband in the context of avoiding sexual immorality, then discusses mutual sexual obligations within marriage. Oh, you got to put out? Paul said you got to put out.

Yeah, yeah.

The crazy thing is, like, Paul never even met Jesus.

Oh, right.

Yeah. Paul wrote all this shit 20 years after Jesus was dead and said that he met Jesus in a vision.

Oh, it's very Mormon-y.

Yeah. Well, it's also— Jesus never wrote anything.

Oh, right, that's a good point.

So it's like everybody's playing this crazy 20-year game of telephone with what Jesus said.

And then you get to, you can't have sex before marriage.

And you get one guy who killed a whole bunch of Christians before he turned it around.

And it's— he's not even saying that. It's other people's interpretation of his word.

Make sure that's correct. Paul killed a bunch Christians. I think that's correct. I think he killed Christians and I think he burned churches.

Yeah, and then like on the road to— where is it? Damascus. Damascus. Yeah, yeah, everything changed.

He had a vision. How convenient. Yes, the Apostle Paul, then called Saul— he changed his name just like, like, you know, like Kristen Jenner, or with Caitlyn Jenner. Like when it was Bruce, he killed a guy, a lady, you know, but then transitioned. That wasn't even me. Accidentally killed someone.

It wasn't murder.

accidentally drove a car into oncoming traffic. Actively persecuted early Christians and voted for their deaths, although the Bible does not explicitly describe him striking a fatal blow with his own hands. So, he definitely called for the deaths and was responsible for the deaths of people.

Yeah.

Go back.

And that's the guy.

It says, before his conversion, Saul tried to destroy the early church. Arrests, he went into houses, dragged away men and women, put them in prison.

Wow.

Okay, go show more. It says, uh, later stated in Bible Gateway that he persecuted the followers of Jesus to their death. Yeah.

Stephen stoning, the first man. Yeah. Wow. The first—

Wow. The first Christian martyr. Watch the coats of the men who threw the stones.

Damn.

Approved the execution. Yeah, that one believers were put to death.

He was a motherfucker, dude.

Right, and then this is the guy that is telling everybody don't fuck before you're married.

Yeah.

And then— Does it say anywhere in the Old Testament that you can't have premarital sex?

I don't—

I can't believe it didn't say that though. My whole life I've been raised that way.

It's kind of crazy that it's one guy too.

Yeah.

And it's this one guy that says— just says Jesus came to to him in a dream.

Yeah, there's so much of like just religion that you just put on, like you just let other people— I remember in 7th grade I was at— I was in mosque one day, and it's my— when my dad would like take me to mosque, and I remember just having a panic attack being like, I'm just supposed to trust this guy's word that he knows what God wants?

Well, how about in the days before Martin Luther where you couldn't even read?

You couldn't even read, yeah.

And priests read it. So this is in the 1500s. It wasn't until the 1500s that they had phonetically transcribed and translated the Bible into other languages so you could actually read it, because it was all Latin back then, right?

So they really thought that person was giving them a book about the who wrote the Bible thing, and it's like, for the Old Testament, no one knows. They don't even—

it's a—

they didn't even think about who wrote stuff back then. It was not a discussion. Authorship, no one cared.

This is just a collection of stories.

Yeah, so when Moses, the leader, they—

it was like in the word of Moses. So like editor kind of is how they looked at it. Like Moses edited that stuff, or people in charge with Moses edited those stories down.

Yeah, it's a, it's a long gamble.

Yeah.

Also, if Moses edited it, there's a lot of Exodus where Moses does not look good in my mind.

Yeah, Moses is pretty fucked.

Yeah, because also like all those miracles that like, like if you read it, it's like Moses is too afraid to do so he has his brother Aaron do everything, and Aaron does everything for him. He like goes to the Pharaoh and talks to him. And the only reason why everyone hates— like, they cast aside Aaron is that Aaron was part of like the golden bull when Jesus— when Moses goes down from the mountain. But like, Aaron did so much of that, it was actually kind of crazy.

There's so much stuff in there that like with Lot and his children, where his daughters fucked him, got him drunk, fucked him. Yeah, like what?

I've always thought—

what?

Well, what's even What's even funnier is that earlier in Sodom and Gomorrah, he like offers his— he's like, here, fuck my virgin daughters. And everyone's like, no, we're just gonna keep fucking dudes. Like, he just offers them up. And yeah, yeah, it's like—

How about the one dude where the kids are calling him bald, and so he has a she-bear come and kill them all?

Elijah.

Elijah. Elijah.

Yeah, yeah, dude.

Old Testament was on his— on some shit. My favorite is, uh, Aaron's, uh, no, Moses's going back to Egypt and he's getting like attacked in a bar or like a tavern and just like getting like— it's getting worked on like he's about to die. And his wife is like, oh, I know what God wants. And she circumcises the kid. Oh, and the guy goes, that's what I wanted, and stops attacking Moses.

Did George R.R. Martin write the fucking Old Testament, bro?

There's so many good ones. There's one where Rachel steals something from her dad, and to hide it, she sits over it, and the dad's like, get up, and Rachel's like, I'm on my period, and her dad's like, oh, that's gross, and just leaves.

Yeah, he's like, ugh, stay there, don't move. I remember that one.

You are unclean.

Goddamn it.

What is this one, Jamie?

The circumcision story you just said?

Yeah, Bible's most cryptic and unsettling scenes. On the journey back to Egypt, God confronts Moses' sought-to put him to death, Moses's wife Zipporah immediately circumcises their son with a flint, touches his feet with the foreskin, calls Moses a bridegroom of blood, and the threat ends.

Yeah, because the other guy was fucking like, what is going on? She just cut her son's dick off!

Now again, was Zipporah suffering from postpartum depression? That's the next question they have to ask.

I think that ends our lesson for today. Let us contemplate how the Lord can help your life. Uh, solid show, you guys two together. Hilarious podcast available everywhere, right?

Yes, sir.

And, um, Comedy Mothership.

Come on.

Getting it done this week.

Every week.

Let's go.

Another week, baby.

Let's go.

And I'm out on the road too. Uh, Ehsan Comedy, ehsancomedy.com for tickets.

All right. Anything else?

Oh no, that's it. Same way, all my stuff's on the podcast.

Yeah.

All right.

Bye, everybody.

Later.