Transcript of How to Be More Assertive! Tools to Trust Yourself & Communicate with Certainty w/Jefferson Fisher

Get ready to learn how to be more assertive in your communication and in every area of your life on today's powerful episode. I am so excited for this. If, if you're someone who struggles to say what you mean and how you feel with confidence, if you wanna learn to trust yourself and truly learn the tools to be more assertive in your communication, well, back by popular demand, communication phenom and trial attorney Jefferson Fisher is here to talk with you and me today about how to be more assertive in our communication and in our lives. Jefferson Fisher is a trial lawyer, a 5th generation award-winning attorney, writer, and speaker. His work has gained him millions of followers all over the world through short, simple, practical social media videos teaching people how to argue less and talk more. Whether it's handling a heated argument engaged conversation, dealing with a difficult personality, or standing your ground with confidence. Jefferson helps you communicate during life's everyday arguments and conversations, and his brand new book called "The Next Conversation: Argue Less, Talk More" is out now. Jefferson says, You can change everything about your life by what you say next.

And you and I are in for a treat because Jefferson has stepped away from his busy legal practice. He got on an airplane. He flew here to be with you and me today. Whether you're listening for yourself or because someone that you love shared this episode with you, I want to welcome you to the Jamie Kern Lima Show podcast family. Remember, this episode is not just for you and me. Please share this with every single person you know because it can change their life 2. Before we jump into this episode, I'd be so grateful if you take 2 seconds to click on the follow or subscribe button on the app you're listening or watching the podcast on. It'll help you because you're gonna be the very first to get the episodes, and it's gonna help the show because by you following it, it's more likely to be promoted to others to discover. And if you leave a 5-star review, that would be even more amazing. And just thank you so much. This is our show together, and it truly means so much to me.

Jamie Kern, Everybody needs Jamie Kern Lima in their life. Jamie Kern Lima.

Jamie, you're so inspiring.

Jamie Kern Lima.

Jefferson Fisher, welcome to the Jamie Kern Lima Show.

Thank you so much for having me, Jamie. I'm honored to be here.

I'm so excited you're here.

Yeah.

Wow, what has happened with you, with your advice, with your videos, it has become a phenomenon. Thank you.

You're very sweet. Thank you. Yeah, it's truly been a blessing. And right now, I'm just holding on.

Yeah, yeah. Well, I'm excited. So much to dive into today. Jefferson, how can we be more assertive in our communication? So many people, especially women, struggle to be assertive and to have, you know, to be confident in what we have to say to say what we really mean? How can we be more assertive?

Yeah, so confidence and assertiveness are interrelated. They work in a loop. So if you wanna feel more confident, you can't just conjure that feeling. Like if I were to tell you, Jamie, I need you to be extremely happy right now, or I need you to be really scared or nervous, you're not gonna feel that. I mean, I'm not, unless I just scared you, you're not gonna feel scared. Because it's a feeling. It's the same thing with confidence. And you feel more confident by saying more assertive things.

Mm.

The whole point of saying it with confidence is it's a language adjustment. It's finding their assertive voice. And everybody, everybody who's listening, you have an assertive voice. You've used it at some point in your life. And the tools that we're teaching right now in this podcast, what we talk about in the book is These are the things that are going to remind you that the voice you've probably heard a long time ago, it's gonna sound really familiar to you because you're gonna start to use your assertive language more often to say what you mean and mean what you say. So it depends on your language. Things like unnecessary apologies, things like adverbs that say literally, essentially, obviously, clearly, things that you don't need to say that begin to add ice cubes to your drink and water it down.

Mm-hmm.

What I'm teaching is, You need to serve your words neat. You need to be able to have that power punch right in there.

Okay, this is so good. Okay, there's like 3 things you just said that I wanna break down. You know, in your new book, "The Next Conversation," "Argue Less, Talk More," there are so many tools in it on this. I've read it cover to cover. It's fantastic. And I wanna just call this out because you've just said so many things that I'm sitting here having aha moments right now. This is really big because you're saying to gain, you gain more confidence by saying things that are assertive, by being assertive. So every time you make a decision to be assertive, you actually are building your confidence.

Yes.

And we have it in us. And when you said that, that it's gonna feel familiar, 'cause for a lot of people, maybe we had not been assertive in a long time. Maybe we don't even know what that feels like. There's so many people that are just, we struggle with people pleasing and making everyone happy and overthinking and ruminating and worrying. And before we know it, we're just like, the last thing we're doing innately is being assertive. And when you said that, that it's gonna feel familiar to all of us, that we all have that assertive voice inside of us, the first thing I thought of is like a baby when they're hungry, they'll yell. They just scream. Like we have no problem being assertive when we're little babies and we're hungry.

I say no all the time. Yeah.

You kidding me? Yeah. So it's in us. So everyone listening right now, it's in you. That assertive part of you is in you. In you, okay, this is big. And I wanna get to the watering down with the ice cubes, 'cause that's huge. And I say a lot of those words that you just said.

Absolutely.

That's gonna be another big epiphany, which is great. I'm so excited about this. I always feel, Jefferson, like if I'm having aha moments, what I love is I know, you know, everyone at home is gonna be able to apply these things in their life. They're more likely having them too.

Yeah.

And so, okay, so every one of us has an assertive voice inside of us, and we build our confidence. We don't have to be, we don't have to like be so confident to be assertive. But if we do one thing that's assertive, we say one thing that's assertive, we start building our confidence. Can you explain that? And this is so good.

Yeah, so often we say, "Oh, I wish I had the confidence. I'm just building, I need to get the confidence to say it. I need to get the confidence first." I hear that all the time.

I hear that all the time.

Yes, they think confidence is the first step.

Yes.

It's not. Confidence is the outcome.

Mm.

And so whenever you go, "I just wish I had the build, the confidence to say it." Nope, that's not it. Confidence is what you earn at the end. And so whenever you're able to change your voice to use language that is assertive, you will feel confident at the end, and then that will continue to build. Now you feel more confident saying assertive things, and then that will only increase as you go. And so it's— Confidence is a feeling, and it is the result of assertive acts. And so what I like to say is, "Confidence is as assertive does." And so it allows you to, it's not the reverse, it's not build, just, "I wish I had the confidence to say it." Nope, it's, confidence is the consequence, it is the outcome.

So many people get this wrong. Like, so many people get this wrong. Okay, so taking the assertive steps, Yes. How do we do that?

One would be you need to acknowledge and take a real honest inventory of how often you are over-apologizing, saying sorry for things that you do not owe an apology for. Save your apologies for the real apologies. When you've made a mistake, when you've said something wrong, when you truly offended someone or you did something wrong, yeah, that's— say, the apology then. Not the, "So sorry, I just missed this. So sorry, I'm just not getting back to you." Somebody is right in front of you and cuts you off in line, you go, "Oh, so sorry," as if it was your fault.

What does that do to us when we over-apologize nonstop? What happens to us when we do that?

It slowly just starts to corrode your own voice. It is, it's unnecessary apologies are corrosive in the way they will slowly, it's not the, the one, that's not that just one little so sorry. It's not the second one, it's the 30th, it's the 50th. I mean, you probably, the people that listen, everybody, when you're not thinking about it, you will say sorry. And it's also cultural.

Yeah.

All right, you will use them. And what you're really, the point I wanna make to anybody who's listening is your self-worth is not tied to how little of an inconvenience you can be.

Mm.

It is not tied. Not Christian culture. It is not tied to how out of the way you can make yourself feel in the conversations.

Yeah.

Because that's what you're really doing. And whenever you're apologizing for somebody, or for, well, I mean, let's say I didn't see your email, I didn't see your text. Let's put it in an email. You're at work. So somebody who's, maybe you're at the office right now, you're on the way to work. If there's an email that you didn't respond to for 3 days, what I don't want you to respond to the email with is, "So sorry, I'm just now getting back to you." No, why would you apologize for having priorities? There's a good reason you didn't get to that email for 3 days. Instead, you need to use words of gratitude, like, "Thank you for your patience." Mm-hmm. "Thank you for giving me the time to think on this. Thank you for the time to give me to reply." Whenever you use words of gratitude, gratitude, now it's not only giving them the patience. Like when you say, "Thank you for your patience," they go, "Oh yeah, I was patient, wasn't I?" You're not only giving them that gift of acknowledging what they also gave in the conversation, but you are standing your ground and using assertive words.

Which builds confidence.

It builds your confidence. So instead of saying, "So sorry," "It's, thank you." Use words of gratitude.

"I'm grateful for." This is a big one. And it's not even older generations or our generation, it's younger generations. There's even, I mean, and I, you know, there's so many women who are so smart, strong, comp, you know, competent, capable, bosses, all that. And it's like, it's in them to just over-apologize about everything.

Oh yeah.

All the time. And it's like, we're ingrained to think, "Oh, that makes everyone like us." You got it. And that we're likable and all the things.

That's the whole reason we do it.

And you're saying it corrodes your confidence.

Yeah, it's not tied. How many times you can say sorry and go, "Oh, so sorry, I just meant to mean that." Whenever you're kind of pulling yourself away, you hear how even just saying, "So sorry," these are words that, you see how I just put my hands out in front?

Yeah.

That's really what it is. It's pushing yourself away from the issue, pushing yourself away from— it's making you say, "I'm less than what I think I am." Wow. And it's making you think that, "I am an inconvenience wherever I go, whether I'm standing in line or whether I am 2 minutes late to whatever." The C-FRIENDS, using unnecessary apologies, is one of the fastest way to all of a sudden feel like you're less worthy of stepping into your priorities and your presence.

Jefferson, this is big. I'm already like, as you're talking, I am imagining how many DMs, messages, comments, emails I'm gonna get from people saying, "Was that episode for me? There's many people in my life that do this." Yes, the answer's yes. Yeah, yeah, the answer's yes. This episode, if you're thinking this episode of me and Jefferson is for you, For you specifically, you are correct.

Right.

It is for you specifically. That's really big. Okay, you talk about watering down the drink with ice cubes and all different words and things that we can say that deplete or water down our assertiveness as communicators. There is so much more coming up in this episode. You are not gonna wanna miss it, but first I wanted to share this with you. In life, you don't soar to the level of your hopes and dreams. You stay stuck at the level of your self-worth. When you build your self-worth, you change your entire life. And that's exactly why I wrote my new book, "Worthy: How to Believe You Are Enough and Transform Your Life for You." If you have some self-doubt to destroy and a destiny to fulfill, "Worthy" is for you. Thank you. For you. In Worthy, you'll learn proven tools and simple steps that bring life-changing results, like how to get unstuck from the things holding you back, build unshakable self-love, unlearn the lies that lead to self-doubt and embrace the truths that wake up worthiness, overcome limiting beliefs and imposter syndrome, achieve your hopes and dreams, by believing you are worthy of them, and so much more.

Are you ready to unleash your greatness and step into the person you were born to be? Imagine a life with zero self-doubt and unshakable self-worth. Get your copy of Worthy, plus some amazing thank you bonus gifts for you at worthybook.com or the link in the show notes below. Thank you. Imagine what you'd do if you fully believed in you. It's time to find out with Worthy. Imagine, what would you do if you fully believed in you? My weekly free inspirational newsletter is packed with tips and tools to help you find out. It's called One-on-One with Jamie, and it's delivered right to your inbox each Tuesday morning. It's a love letter from me to you, from my soul to yours, and I hope it brings you the words and messages you need at just the right moment. Plus, when you're a part of my free inspirational newsletter community, you'll be the first to get behind-the-scenes content, inspirational messages, and be the first to learn about upcoming events and more. Thank you. It's the place to be and I sure hope you'll join me there. So if you're not on the list yet, you can sign up for free at jamiekernlima.com or click the link in the show notes below.

And here's to becoming unstoppable together. And now more of this incredible conversation together. You talk about watering down the drink with ice cubes and all different words and things that we can say that deplete or water down our assertiveness.

Yeah.

As communicators.

Yeah, and there are adverbs. If you don't, just as a refresher for people who need it, you remember in English class, adverbs, they're words that typically end in L-Y. There's also like just, so, but there's the most likely culprits are in an L-Y, like literally, or ever heard somebody begin their sentence with, so basically, Or so essentially anytime it's the L-Y, it's describing the verb, it begins to water down your sentence 'cause you don't need it. You're adding fluff into your sentences. So anytime, let's say, now let me make this clear distinction. If it's just one-on-one, if it's you and your friend in your pajamas and your living room with your wine, knock yourself out.

And you're like, literally, this is the best wine?

Yes, exactly. Knock yourself out.

Then we're good, okay, all right.

That's not that. This is for the situations where you need You need to say assertive things.

Okay.

Now, listen to the difference. If I were, I need to talk to you about something, I said, "Hey, Jamie, so basically, look, I just need to tell you something, and you can totally tell me if I'm wrong in this, but what I'm really feeling is, so it's like essentially," you know how you're just going, "What's going on here?" Mm-hmm. But people talk like that all the time. You're just adding fluff when you say "like" all the time, when you use the word "just" all the time. "Just" is a very hesitant word. "Hey, I just wanna check in." "I wanted to check in." You hear the difference?

Mm-hmm.

"Just" is, "I'm hesitant to tell you." Just remove it, you don't need it. Same for all the other adverbs. So instead of using them, you just erase them from your sentences. You are removing the ice cube from your drink and you're serving them neat because you don't need them. And the point is, whenever you write that email, whenever you write that text, you're finding ways to not only write shorter sentences and use more concise words, it's eliminating the fluff from it. I'm so sorry, I totally forgot about this. Oh my gosh. Like, you just, you don't need all of that. Whenever you can remove the adverbs, it's gonna make a much clearer sentence. You're gonna sound more assertive. That's the whole point.

So I, you know, I'm just thinking of sort of this challenge for everyone right now, which is, you know, the next 24 hours, any text you write—

Yes.

Before you hit send, just look at it. Are there any adverbs in there? Is there any fluff? Can you take it out? Not that you don't wanna be conversational, but actually it's a tool in how can I intentionally communicate more assertive, which then builds confidence. Similarly, audio text. I'm just thinking when you're saying all the things not to do, I'm just smiling 'cause I'm like, I say literally so often. And, but this is so great and powerful to learn. And I'm just thinking similarly, you know, similarly when we use, when we send audio text.

Right.

You send it off. Listen to yourself back.

Yes.

I know none of us like that. I do not like listening to myself. None of us like to do it. Play that audio text back to yourself and see if you hear what Jefferson's saying. And then, you know, and there again, to your point, there's some friends you wanna just be so conversational and this and that, but can you look at it and say, is there words I can take out? Because the thing I'm obsessed with about this conversation so far, one of the many things is, this idea that, okay, you take a step forward in communicating more assertive, you build more confidence.

Yes.

And it becomes this snowball. And I love this 'cause this is an easy step to take.

It is incredibly easy. It's just taking the time to do it. So before you press enter on that email or that text, it's just rereading it to say, do I have things in here that are fluff that are just weighing down my words? And most often, You do. There's nothing wrong with it. It's casual conversation. But when it comes to saying things assertively, it's best to get rid of it.

When we are in a group, let's say we're around new moms at a school and we're like, "Do I fit in?" Or let's say we're at a meeting at work or, you know, so many of us, I talk about this example a lot that I can remember being a little girl in the class. Like I always used to know the answer. I raised my hand. I remember, Yeah. Like the moment I stopped raising my hand, even when I knew the answer.

Yeah.

Because like, what if I was wrong? What if I— self-doubt started to kick in. And you know what that looks like for so many people now, when you look at the data, 80% of women don't believe they're enough, right? 73% of men feel inadequate and not enough. And a lot of times we doubt ourselves out of even saying what we have to say or raising our hand or speaking up. So to use the example of being in a meeting at work or on a team Zoom, you know, or a group Zoom, and we want to speak up, but we're scared and self-doubt starts to kick in. When we talk about how we can be more assertive, Jefferson, in that moment when you're, and everyone's been here, when you're on the Zoom, you had the idea, you wanna share it.

Yes.

Everyone might hate it, it might be horrible, you don't know, but your heart starts racing. And what do you do in that moment?

Yes.

To become more assertive?

Let me give you a quick little tip that they can use right away.

Yes.

Put in percentages. So when somebody, you wanna put out an idea to the table, but you're afraid that it's gonna sound silly, you're afraid it's gonna sound dumb, add a percentage. You say, "All right, I got 10% of an idea. I need y'all's help with the other 90%." It's the concept of, I may not be 100% convinced on this idea. In fact, I know that I'm not, but I wanna contribute, and even 50%, even 10% of an idea is worth sharing. So when you can put it in, "I have about 20% of a thought here," and then you say it, you're communicating to everybody else, this is not fully thought out. Because if you don't, what happens? You give a thought, somebody shoots it down. You give out an idea, somebody goes, "Nah, that's never gonna work." But when you give a percentage and say, "Look, I have 30% of an idea," then you're telling them, "I need you to fill in the other 70%." Yeah. There's space in here. This is not a finished concept. So, I mean, typically when you offer up that idea, people expect that it's a finished product. There's a bow on it and it's theirs to, they have to go with it as if it's, the idea's done.

Yeah.

Using percentages shows it's a work in progress and more so that they are there to help fill it in. That's the whole point of brainstorming.

Yeah, that's so good.

So percentages help.

And if it's something you're so sure of and you can't wait to share, you can even be like, "So I've got 90% of the idea. You guys help with the other 10%," like whatever kind of thing. Right. I've got 50% of an idea.

Yeah.

That's really good. And then also, if for some reason it's just a big flop with a group, which by the way, does not mean it's a big flop, it just means it's a big flop with that group.

Yeah.

It's not a vibe of you got it shot down, but more of a collaboration.

A million percent. And another little tip that they can use right this moment is using the word confident more often instead of, "I can do that." I'm confident I can do that. If you're in an interview, if you just say, well, let's put it in a, I like the scenarios. So if you're interviewing me and you're asking how I feel about coming here and I go, yeah, I think I can add some real value here versus I'm confident I can add value here. I mean, which one sounds better? I mean, like huge difference.

Huge difference.

Instead of I think I can do this, I think I can be a big team player. I think I can add a, I can add to this community. I'm confident I can add to this community. Boom. I mean, all of a sudden, just by using the word, you not only feel confident, you sound confident to the other person. And by using it, it's like a double trigger. Not only do you sound more confident, all of a sudden you become that quality. And they're going to write down those notes, very confident, just because you used that word. So it can be a very powerful tool, just using the word more often.

Wow. Even in friendship, you got a friend, you have a new friend, you're going to coffee with them and they share something about or share something they need or this or that. And you, or they're like, oh, I really, I like when friends ask me how I feel. Even just saying back, I'm confident I can do that.

Yes. Yeah, yeah.

Instant. Yeah.

Yeah. If it's somebody saying, you're probably not gonna listen. You go, no, I'm confident that I can.

I'm confident.

Yeah, it's this, no, I'm here. I'm good. And now you just feel like you're 10 feet tall.

So good. So good. Remember, this episode is not just for you and me. Please share this with every single person you know because it can change their life too. Make sure to pick up Jefferson's new book, The Next Conversation: Argue Less, Talk More. And check out his brand new Jefferson Fisher School of Communication. We'll link it in the show notes. And if you love today's episode too, well, my only ask is you please click on the follow or subscribe button for the show on the app that you're listening or watching it on, then give it a 5-star review, and then share this episode with everyone you believe in. Share it with another person in your life who could benefit from it. Post it and share it with others online or in your community who just might need the words and tools and lessons in this episode today. Thank you. You never know whose life you're meant to change today by sharing this episode. Just thank you so much for joining me. And before you go, I wanted to share some words with you that couldn't be more true. You right now, exactly as you are, are enough and fully worthy.

You're worthy of your greatest hopes, your wildest dreams, and all the unconditional love in the world. It's an honor to welcome you to each episode of the Jamie Kern Lima Show. And here, I hope you'll come as you are, and heal where you need, blossom what you choose, journey toward your calling, and stay as long as you like because you belong here. You are worthy, you are loved, you are love, and I love you. And I cannot wait to join you on the next episode of the Jamie Kern Lima Show. Do you struggle with negative self-talk? Living with a constant mental narrative that you're not good enough is exhausting. I know because I spent most of my life in that habit. The words you say to yourself about yourself are so powerful, and when you learn to take control over your self-talk, it's life-changing. And I wanted to give you a free resource that I created for you if this is something that could benefit your life. It's called 5 Ways to Overcome Negative Self-Talk and Build Self-Love. And it's a free how-to guide to overcome that negative self-talk to build confidence and develop unshakeable self-love so that you can dream big and keep going in the pursuit of your goals.

Don't let self-sabotaging thoughts hinder your progress any longer. It's time to rewrite the script of your life, one filled with self-love, resilience, and unwavering belief. If you're ready to take charge of your narrative, build unwavering confidence, and empower yourself to persevere on the path to your dreams, you can grab your free guide to stop overthinking and learn to trust yourself at jamiekernlima.com/resources or click the link in the show notes below. Who you spend time around is So important as energy is contagious and so is self-belief. And I'd love to hang out with you even more, especially if you could use an extra dose of inspiration, which is exactly why I've created my free weekly newsletter that's also a love letter to you delivered straight to your inbox from me. If you haven't signed up to make sure that you get it each week, just go to jamiekarnema.com to make sure you're on the list and you'll get your One-on-One with Jamie weekly newsletter and get ready to believe in you. If you're tired of hearing the bad news every single day and need some inspiration, some tips, tools, joy, and love hitting your inbox, I'm your girl.

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