Transcript of Most Replayed Moment: Your Thoughts Shape Your Reality! How To Rewrite Limiting Beliefs New

I've been trying to figure out if we get to choose our beliefs. And I actually wrote about this in my book recently, and I feel like you're the person to ask this question because I know that our lives are governed by these beliefs that we have about the world, ourselves, and everything in between. But can we choose them?

I think so. You know, when I was here last time, you asked me about my childhood, which I don't talk about a lot. It wasn't awful, But it also wasn't amazing. But the beliefs I had then are so totally different to the beliefs I have now because I chose to give myself better beliefs. Because you know, you make your beliefs and then your beliefs turn right around and make you. And then confirmation bias means you look for proof of what you have chosen to believe and you'll find it. So if you say, oh, I hate cats, they're vicious things that scratch you, they're really aloof, or I don't like dogs, they're barky, yappy, horrible things. Then if you believe that about a dog and you meet a dog, you'll feel so anxious that that will become true. But if you say, "Oh, I love dogs. They're the most loyal, gorgeous, loving things," then you'll have a different energy around them. So you should choose your beliefs. You should constantly upgrade, update, question your belief. Where did I get that from? Is that true? Who told me that belief? And even if it's true for them, does it have to be true for me?

You know, I see a lot of women who say things like, "Well, you know, if you're really famous and rich, you'll never find a guy," because 100 years ago that was probably true. Men didn't go for rich, successful women 'cause they wanted them at home. But it's not true now. So your grandmother's belief is not your belief. I love my daughter's generation who don't do body shaming or fat shaming and have a whole different language, which I think is so refreshing. So you can always choose your beliefs and you really should constantly check, why do I even believe that? Is it even true? Because so often it's not true at all. It's just something you've been taught or you've just gone along with it anyway.

So in the case of cats then, you know, I like all animals, but cats, I do think, you know, the way you describe them, they're a little bit scratchy.

Yes.

Sometimes a little bit, you know, annoying. Not as loving as dogs. Maybe I'm going to annoy a lot of cat people here. If that is my belief, if I say to myself, okay, no, cats are wonderful, they're lovely, you know, they're fantastic, they don't scratch, et cetera. I feel like I'm just lying to myself. And you know, this is the case with self-belief as well. I could say that, yes, I'm amazing and attractive and all these things, but in my subconscious mind, after getting, I don't know, bullied at 7 years old by a kid that called me fat and whatever else, am I just not lying to myself?

Well, I think you should lie to yourself. I think you should lie to yourself. I think you should lie, cheat, and steal every day of your life. Lie to your mind, cheat fear, and steal back the confidence you were born with. So let's imagine you're going for an exam. You go, I'm going to I'm going to mess it up. I've got a terrible memory. I know when I read that paper, my mind's going to go blank and I'm going to blow it. So that's a belief. But you could also say, I've got a great memory. Everything I studied for this exam is in my head. When I read the paper, the questions are going to come up and I'm going to remember the answers. And I'm super chilled at exams. I'm cool, calm, collected. I'm going to ace this exam. So if you repeat that over and over again, you see the subconscious doesn't think, it just feels. And if you say, "I'm nervous, I'm so nervous," and the subconscious feels that, then when you're nervous, the mind shuts down while the blood rushes to your heart and your mind empties. It's like if you're crossing a road and a car comes, you don't think, "Should I go left, right, forwards, backwards?" You just move because in fear you don't think, you move.

So when you're scared, your mind empties. I remember years ago I was coming home and this guy was following me and I knew he was following me and I knew I had minutes to get in my door. And I couldn't get the key and I couldn't remember which way to— I'm like, oh my God, I have all the times to forget how this key works. I lived here for 5 years, but I was so scared I couldn't remember how to open my door at all. Because when you're scared, your brain empties. And so if you go into an exam going, I'm scared, I'm nervous, you won't do well. But if you say, I got a great memory, I love exams, I'm excited about this exam, I'm so excited, I'm going to be assessed, I'm going to do really well, or I'm going to this assessment, I'm going to ace it, This person's going to love me and see that I'm so smart and my answers will show them that I know what I'm talking about. The mind doesn't go, "Oh, come on, that's silly." The mind goes, "Okay." Whatever you say, you make it real.

Your mind's job is to make your thoughts real. The subconscious doesn't think, it only feels. And if your mind's job is to make your thoughts real, then your job is to think better thoughts all the time. So imagine you're going to have a needle stuck in your arm. You go, oh, that's going to hurt, and that's going to be so painful. But you could— I always read my phone, and if you cough just as the needle goes in, it confuses your mind and you don't feel it. Is that lying, or is it just taking your mind somewhere else?

That's the— because I, I think if I can choose my beliefs, then I can unchoose beliefs. But I couldn't think of a single belief I have now that I could genuinely unchoose. I can say it.

Yes.

But I think I'd still believe it.

Yeah, but the thing with the mind is there's a couple of rules of the mind. One is, let me give you a couple that will help you. Every thought you think is a blueprint that your mind and body work to make real. Every thought you think has a physical reaction and indeed an emotional response. And here's another one: the mind learns by repetition. So when you think a thought a lot, over and over again, it becomes real even if it's not real. So if you think a thought, "My neighbor's driving me crazy. They're so noisy. I can never sleep. I can hear their television. They're getting on my nerves," it'll become your reality. If you say, "It's a little bit irritating, but I can put my headphones on. I can tune out," then you'll have a different reaction to the same event. You know, we don't have to change events. We have to change how we think about the events. It's like saying, Oh, this commute to work is killing me. You know, this being on this freeway is driving me crazy. But someone else would go, wow, I'd love to be on. You've got a car and you're going to a job and you're getting paid.

That's my fantasy dream come true. Don't have to change a thing. You have to change how you think about the thing. So that is changing your beliefs. And a belief is really just the thought you think a lot. So you're born as a blank slate. Where did you get those thoughts from? Who gave them to you? So the beliefs you think you can't change, where do they come from? Let's do that now. Where do the beliefs you think you can't change come from?

So I think one of the recurring beliefs I've had about myself, yes, which I think goes back as long as I can remember, to be honest, is that I am fundamentally unorganized.

Unorganized.

I think people will be surprised to hear that because I'm very, I'd say, productive. My output is high, but the organization of my stuff, even if you looked in my bag, it would be like a jumble sale. My house as well, if I didn't have a cleaner, I think it would be, you know, it would be like a bomb had gone off in there.

I heard you saying actually on a podcast that when you go, your hotel room is very messy and it upsets you, but not enough to make you change it.

You've been listening.

I have been listening.

No, you're right. I think there's a habit or something that I've built into myself where I think I've told myself it's faster to be messy.

Yes.

And but then the, the dissonance or the, the issue that I take with it is that's not who I want to be. I want to be a messy person. I want to be someone who comes into the hotel room, goes into their suitcase, and hangs everything up so that tomorrow is easier. What happens is I dive into the suitcase, pull my gym equipment out, and run to the gym. And it's something I want to change because it's almost like this concession in my life where I've gone, well, that's just who I am. I'm just a messy person. And I think we all label ourselves.

And of course when you do that, now you're making it real. You say, you know, I can't spell, but my dad couldn't spell and now it's genetic. So every time you say, I'm just a messy person, the strongest force in you and everyone in the world is you must act in a way that utterly matches up with how you have chosen to define you. So if you start by changing that and saying, I love being organized, it gives me such joy to be, I love putting, so when you say it, say it, say it, it will start to change. So for the last 3 weeks I've been staying in a place with an amazing gym and I started to love working out with really, really heavy weights. 'Cause you know, I got run over and I started to get muscle wastage in my leg. I was going, I love heavy, heavy weights. I love it. And I was really a Pilates yoga person. But for the last 3 weeks I get up and I'm in the gym at half 7 going, well, I love heavy weights. And I didn't like it before, but I decided to say it over and over again Because when you say, state, and affirm something, your mind must make it real.

So all you have to do really is to start saying a lot, "I love being organized. It gives me immense joy to put stuff away. I love it when everything's in its place." And I'm in a hotel and sure I run to the— when I come back, I put my gym kit in a particular place and I love that feeling of being super organized. And very quickly it will start to change 'cause you're thinking a thought that your mind has no choice but to make real.

So interesting.

But it's also true, you know, you think a thought and your mind can't help it. It has to make— you know, we do that. We did that thing with a lemon, didn't we? When you think you're eating a lemon. Have we ever done that?

What's that?

Well, let's do it now. So put your hand in front of your mouth.

Yeah.

Imagine you're holding half of a great big fat juicy lemon. Close your eyes and just put that lemon right up to your nose. And breathe in that amazing lemon smell because nothing really smells quite like a lemon. Now squeeze that lemon so hard so that lemon drops pucker onto the surface. Stick out your tongue, lick off the lemon, open your mouth really wide and shove that entire lemon into your mouth. And I want you to start sucking and biting and chewing all the flesh. Literally bite into that lemon until The lemon drops burst onto your tongue and your taste buds pucker and swell as you start to chew that lemon, suck that lemon, swirl that lemon all around your mouth. Keep eating the lemon, suck it, chew it, swirl it around, and then open your eyes. Did you start pumping out saliva?

Yes, I did.

And so here's a question: was there a lemon?

No, there was no lemon.

That's true, there was no lemon. But you could also say yes, which is also true. They're both true. No, there wasn't, but yes, there actually was. Where was it? Where was the lemon that was making you make saliva?

In my head.

In your head, yeah. It wasn't anywhere else. It was in your head. Just do another one. Put your right arm out towards me and just swing your arm behind you as far as it will go and have a look at where it's gone. Just look behind you to notice where it is. Bring it back. I think you went up to like the third book on that bookshelf. I want you to imagine Close your eyes and tell your mind, my arm's going to go a third further. I'm now like a bendy Barbie and Ken doll. My arm is so flexible, it's going further. I want you to imagine all the muscles in your right arm becoming super flexible like cooked pasta. Open your eyes, put your arm out and say to your arm, you're going a third further now. You're like a pretzel, you're super flexible. Go a third further. Swing your arm back and just watch as it goes a third further. Now look at how far it's gone. You were only up to the third book before, so what happened then?

Um, I just believed my arm was going to go further, and it did. Yeah.

And you see, and for men, I get men who say, you know, I can't please my wife, I can't get an erection, I can't keep it going, and and she's going to leave me. And if I tell them other things, you know, you're a great lover, you can maintain an erection for 20 minutes or 10 minutes, or the average is about 4.5 minutes. That starts to happen. They don't do anything else except listen to a recording that says you have longer erections, you can have a great sex life, you can wait until your partner orgasms. And it all becomes true because every time they say, but I can't do it, it's all over in a minute, I can't please her or him. They actually make that real. But when you just change a thought, you know, there's a song called Love Changes Everything by Climbie Fisher, but actually thoughts change everything. When you think a thought, it's such a game changer.

Erections.

Yes.

It's so interesting because in my friendship group with my male friends, we've spoken about sex life, libido, erections.

Of course.

Yeah, um, we've all struggled in different ways at different times with this, and it, it's one of the areas in life where it's so clear to me that thoughts are the problem and the solution.

Yeah, because again, if a man thinks about sex, looks at pictures, looks at a movie, and gets aroused, you get a very physical reaction straight away, even if there's no one in the room with you. So that's a classic example of thinking a thought about being aroused, turned on, feeling sexually attracted, and your body makes it real even if there's no one there. And it can be at a wedding, can be an event, it can be highly embarrassing for a guy to get an erection in the wrong place. But if you think a thought, "I'm turned on here," the body makes it. It does it for women too, but it's not so obvious for us. We can kind of hide it. But yes, it's a thought. I can't do it, I can. I'm going to fail, I'm going to succeed.

I also think I just learned that I was, at a very young age, that I think maybe that I learned that I was unlovable at some, some level. Because I think, think about being a Black kid in an all-white area where your house is like dilapidated.

I think that's the right word.

Where you can't— I never brought anyone home, never brought a girl home in the 16-odd years that I lived in Plymouth. Never brought anyone home. No one knew where I lived. I had this like constant shame.

Yeah, shame.

And I showed up as if I was a confident kid, like, you know, but it was an act. It was an act.

Yeah, and you went home feeling a sense, you see, one of the, I taught 16,000 therapists all over the world and I teach them, there's only 3 things wrong with every person that turns up at your door, only 3 things. And one of them is, I'm different so I can't connect. The next one is, I want something that's not available to me. And the third one is, I'm not enough. There's a lot of versions, I'm not smart enough, good enough. But when you told me that little boy who was a Black kid in a white world, living in a shambolic house, never bringing people home, straight away you're saying, I was different. And if I'm different, I can't connect because we connect by being the same. Kids go, I like Postman Pat. So do I. I like pasta. So do I. I like Barbie. So do I. Oh, you're my friend. But when you're different, you can't connect. So you first had that first thing, I'm different so I can't connect. What I want, being the same as all the other kids, is not available to me. And if you think you're unlovable, then you have to think you're not enough.

But of course, that's what you felt. The truth is you're deeply lovable just the way you are, but it's very hard when you don't feel it. So when you, you know, your feelings are the most real thing you have, and we're always trying to use logic, but logic doesn't work 'cause in a battle between emotion and logic, emotion wins every single time. So the emotion of being this kid who felt different, not enough, not the same, You can't logic that better. Yes, you can achieve a lot and work hard and be a millionaire. You remember John Lennon said, "The thing you can't hide is when you're crippled inside." And so you're trying to fake it till you make it, but then you just end up feeling like a big fake. You have to go back and look at, okay, I felt different, but here's an interesting thing. If our greatest fear is to feel different, it must be none the same as everyone, 'cause that's our greatest fear, to be different. We used to be cast out for being different, banished for being different. But actually, if you fear being different, I reckon that means you're the same as everyone 'cause you've got the same fears.

And what wasn't available now, you've made it available many years ago and you're deeply lovable and more than enough. So you have to kind of go back and look at that old scene to go, but that's not me anymore. Of course it's not me. So just stating why it isn't you. Is actually one of the most transformational things you can ever do. As we're so busy looking for how it is us, you know, here's a rule of the mind: whatever you look for, you will find. Whatever you focus on, you get more of. So when you look at how it's still you or still there or still bothering you, then you'll find it. And interesting, I think when you look at the mess in your room, you remember the shambolic house, and that's why it bothers you. Not because it's messy, because you were brought up in a shambolic house. Now you come out and think, "Oh, look at this room. I've recreated the same," instead of saying, "Actually, I'm in a 5-star hotel. There's a maid next door. It's a little bit messy. It's not shambolic." But you see, what your brain is looking for is what's the same, and it will always find it.

But if you look for what's different, you'll find that too. So when you have a brilliant brain, which we all have, and you definitely have, instead of you've got to talk yourself out of it, not into it, you're talking yourself into How the messy room is the same as a messy home and it bothers you greatly because it feels out of your control, which it was when you were a kid living in that house. Don't talk yourself out of it. "Oh yeah, I have created a mess, but hey, I'm a super successful guy, I'm busy, someone's going to come in and clean all of this up." And it's not the same, it's vastly different. But our mind is always looking for what's the same because it loves what is familiar. After all, You know, if you were a 2-year-old kid living in the prairie and you wandered out on the prairie, you'd only eat the berries you already knew. You wouldn't eat anything unfamiliar 'cause it would've killed you. So our primitive brain wants to go back to what is familiar, back to what is known, back to what is comfortable.

I wasn't sure whether I'm messy because it reminds me of home.

Mm-hmm.

So a messy room makes me feel more comfortable. Or if it's the opposite, like, you know, I've never been sure which one it was. Which one it is.

Well, it's just, I think it, because you lived in a messy home, it was familiar, it was easy. No one said tidy up, put that away. So if you were in the army, for instance, you say, oh no, I make my bed. And because you learned a certain way, but you learned the opposite, just everything's in a mess. So the two things that you learned, it is familiar, but also it's deeply disappointing because it makes you feel, oh God, there's a mess again and I can't fix it. When the truth is you can, you've always got a choice. The worst thing is I can't change it and I can't accept it. I can't change it, I can't accept it. I can't change a mess, I can't even, okay, I can accept this. Go, hey, I'm messy and I love it like an artist. Or you can say I can change it, but it's like I can't change it and I can't accept it. Accept it. My daughter loves living in a mess 'cause she's an artist. She doesn't even see it. Or you can say I can change it by changing how I think. Just say I love putting stuff away.

It makes me feel powerful. And if you say it enough, it will become real because your words create your reality. And if you don't like your reality, you don't have to change your reality, you have to change the way you're speaking, which immediately changes your reality, which is completely shaped by your words.

What you just listened to was a most replayed moment from a previous episode. If you want to listen to that full episode, I've linked it down below. Check the description.

Thank you.