Transcript of Parent, Employee, Spouse, or Friend? | Hour 2

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Picknick.

Und so viele Pollen.

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You are listening to the Dan Levitan Show in partnership with the DraftKings Sports App, now live in all 50 states. This segment is presented to you by DraftKings. DraftKings, the crown is yours, and we are looking at today's match between the United States. Zez, do you know who they're playing?

Yeah, they're playing Turkey.

You called it by the right name. Good on you.

They've earned my respect.

We don't— not with their play. They really deserve it.

Have they scored a goal yet?

They've been terrible. They have been brutal. They are already eliminated. One of those weird byproducts of a World Cup that's expanded. You're getting a few games where nothing is on the line.

I thought it would have been the other way around when there's more teams that can make the knockout round, that it would mean more games matter.

Well, I think this is the first tournament that's this big, obviously. And one of the changes that FIFA made, which was for the better, I think, in previous incarnations, was goal differential used to be the main tiebreaker. And then you had teams that wouldn't make it to the knockout stage are like, well, that sucks because we beat the team that got in ahead of us. Even though we're on the same amount of points, that should be the chief, uh, tiebreaker, which I agree with. But it has made the final match day of the groups a little less interesting. But we do have some spicy ones. This one not as spicy, but let's stay focused on the United States Men's National Team. I imagine a lot of rotation for this club. You got guys on yellows. Christian Pulisic has said he is available, but I think I speak for most US Men's National Team fans, I don't want you to be available. I want you to continue resting. So we'll see who's in this lineup. One thing I do know, we like to attack, we, we like to score, we like to get in threatening positions.

And while Türkiye hasn't this tournament with the rotation and the solid play that the US play and all the unknowns, I'd love to take a side here, but I, I don't really know what to expect because I don't see the the roster sheet. So let's go both teams to score. I opened up my trusty DraftKings Sports app, available in all 50 states including the Sunshine State of Florida. Market price, -144. Both teams to score, I'm going with that.

All right, there you go. So US is playing tonight at 10 o'clock Eastern against Türkiye. They have already clinched their group, but what, what are the stakes here that specifically for Group D? You know, like Paraguay and Australia are also playing. All the games are at the same time, so We have 6 games today. You know, it's Group D, E, and F. Is, is anything on the line with Paraguay and Australia?

Yes, there, there is. Both teams have beaten Türkiye, so they're in this mix of teams where Scotland now finds itself in a bad situation because they couldn't afford to, to get blown out by Brazil yesterday, and they did. So now they're watching these results to make sure they can stay within this goal differential gap.

They're trying to get in as a third place team, you're saying?

Yeah, 8 third place teams make it. So you're gonna have a lot of these teams that are on 3 points, on 2 points, hell, even some teams on 1 point that with a win and a favorable draw right now, if Türkiye was in this situation where they needed to result against the United States of America with the United States of America already set as group winners, their opponent already pretty much set in Bosnia-Herzegovina, you can take advantage of—

why are you pointing at me when he says Bosnia-Herzegovina? I'm not from there.

You're not from there, but you told me that you like their fans. Yes.

Oh yeah, that is true. Yeah, you could point me to that. They are great fans.

So Ecuador right now is going up against Germany, and you would think, all right, favorable draw. Germany already set as group winners because of the head-to-head. Ecuador desperately need a win. Let's beat Germany. They're going to take this one for granted because they don't need it. Germany apparently not going to have rotation. So this all comes down to how these teams playing. You can't— look, you gotta still beat the guys. Mexico had some rotation in their squad and they trounced Czechia. But I think that when you watch all these groups, you're gonna have to have a live table to see what these machinations are in terms of where you go into the next round, a whole new round in an expanded World Cup where some teams are gonna get in that, like South Africa, pull a random result out of their ass. They're in there finally, and it's a pretty easy draw. For a team that ends up drawing them.

Scotland, guys.

Who's that?

Show them the Bosnia fans.

Let me remind everyone, the Dan Lebatard Show and DraftKings Sports will be at the Lost Boy Clubhouse this Saturday.

Are you okay?

You all right? I am okay.

All right.

Jeez, can a guy not like— I'm trying to dance over here. Don't— when I'm dancing, you don't jump in. Join the Dan Lebatard Show and DraftKings Sports for Colombia versus Portugal Saturday, June 27th. 7:30 PM at Lost Boy Clubhouse, 157 East Flagler Street in downtown Miami. Remember, DraftKings Sports is now available in all 50 states. See you there.

I know what you were doing. That was, you know, you, you wanted to sound like a Lost Boy while it was a meta ad read while advertising.

What do the Lost Boys sound like?

You get me?

No, he just sounded lost, boy.

There is actually something online in this matchup between Colombia and Portugal. You can— Portugal is still alive to win the group. Columbia wins the group with a draw or a victory. Now the next opponent, pretty even. It's either going to be Ghana or Croatia. Ghana hasn't conceded. Croatia, last two World Cups have made very deep runs, once to the final, once a, a third place finisher. Um, I believe, yeah, they, they won the third place against Morocco. So it's not really so much for your next matchup as those teams are kind of level, but it's about how the bracket opens up for you. So I imagine both Colombia and Portugal are going to go for it. I don't know how much discussion you guys had about Portugal and how good they looked in their most recent match.

And now, now, is that because is Uzbekistan, you know, they're not any good?

Uzbekistan has some injuries too, and they're not that good. But Portugal, and it appears that DR Congo is a tough matchup. DR Congo, I found out in their matchup against Colombia, they have this weird knack of having their midfield totally shredded, and yet you're looking at the at the score and you're like, how is DR Congo still in this? And then they get into threatening positions. But Portugal looked really good and it wasn't in the clip that we pushed out there. But we did say, I guess one of the possibilities for Cristiano when we were having— is he washed? Does he come off the bench? One of the options on the table was he could play better. You know, we touched on that.

The best option.

Yeah. And, you know, he took option C, which was, yeah, he could play better. And I thought it was a really cool moment for Cristiano Ronaldo. I'm of the school of thought. It seems as though to be a soccer fan, you got to be a Messi or Ronaldo guy. I've always been deeply appreciative to watch them both. I like both guys. And I thought Cristiano's best moment— yes, he scored a brace. Yes, he was threatening. Yes, he looked good. He looked like he had top-end speed again. But I thought his best moment was a free kick outside of the box. He's acting his ass off. He had already scored. Everyone assumes—

but the other guy took it.

He checked. Yeah, because Cristiano Ronaldo, not that great at free kicks anymore, honestly. Like one of the weaker spots of what is a pretty great game. Hikes up his shorts like he always does, talking to himself like he always—

you know about hiking up them shorts.

And then Nuno Mendes scores. And most of the attention was on Cristiano Ronaldo taking that free kick. And he does a good team thing there. Let the better free kick taker take it. I thought that was a really strong moment for him.. And it was that performance. And I know it was Uzbekistan. That's what I saw in Portugal. That's what most people see in Portugal. That is a World Cup winning threat.

Do we want Pulisic to play tonight?

Not at all.

So, so why is he coming out and saying, I'm available? Is that just because, hey, like, I am healthy? You know, if I don't play tonight, I want everyone to know I'm ready to go.

If the United States were playing Australia in a must-have situation, from people that I've spoken to, Pulisic would have featured.

Say you need to grab a goal late, like he would have come in, but like he doesn't need to play tonight, you know, for, for training purposes, like train over the next week before the knockout round. Like he doesn't need to go tonight.

He doesn't need to. There are some people that are like, hey, don't let me get cold. Don't— I want to be in a rhythm. I don't want to jump in in a knockout stage game having not played in 2.5 weeks. More breaks here in between games because a larger field. So I get why you would say it. He's available to pick on the bench. And for me, that's where he shall stay. Stay on the bench. I don't need Christian Pulisic getting kicked in the shin by a bunch of dudes that are also on the other side getting their only opportunity to play in this World Cup. Because I imagine Turkey is also going to have some rotation since they're out.

10:00 tonight. You up for the whole game tonight?

Absolutely.

Well, can I sweeten the pot by saying nothing in this match matters whatsoever?

I'm up for it. I mean, USA matters, baby.

Well, here's what's on the line.

10 o'clock.

This is, this is an embarrassing stat, but Mauricio Pochettino can be the all-time World Cup winningest manager in U.S. men's history. He's the—

he wins.

He is presently tied with 2 wins. The United States doesn't win in this tournament all that much. They find their way to scratch and claw and get into the knockout stages when they're in it. 4th consecutive time when they qualify, 4th consecutive time they've made it this far. But group winners winning matches, bossing games, that's not something that we're used to. It's pretty unprecedented territory unless you want to go back to the 1930s, pal. So what you want to see here is potential history and some rotation. Let's see some of those other guys. Maybe Reyna comes in, Reyna comes in and puts up a good performance and makes you think he has something to offer when we go up against Bosnia.

Did you guys know wild turkeys sleep in trees?

What's a wild turkey?

Like, what's a wild turkey?

Yeah, what's a wild turkey? That's exactly what I mean. Like, a wild turkey, a turkey that's not in the farm, a turkey that's not at Publix. Felix. So, so just a live turkey is a wild—

I just always pictured them— No, not a live turkey, a turkey that's not in captivity, right?

A wild—

like, you understand, in the wild there are turkeys that we breed for eating, and then there are turkeys that just— they just be out there living.

And hold on a second, hold on a sec, we're not moving past this yet. There are turkeys that live in places that are not like the farm?

Yes.

Yes.

Where do I find those?

In the wild.

San Augustine.

Boston has a lot of them. Like, in— if you're in the New England area you'll run across a couple turkeys.

Like, I know birds live in trees, but I just— I don't know, that, that surprised me that turkeys—

not all birds live in trees, Chris.

How did you get this?

Most— looking up turkey facts— famously, most do.

See, look at that.

There's old penguins.

It's just—

there's no trees.

It's a turkey egg.

I just, I just would have thought turkeys like sleep the way a dog does on the floor.

Iguanas do this too.

Really?

Yeah, we have a lot of iguanas in my backyard, and almost all of them later in the day or right around sunset, they just climb up into the trees and then sleep on the branches.

2020.

Also, we see, we see turkeys a lot in St.

Augustine, and we just look at them and go, all right, that's what they sound like.

Are we, are we not going to like— we glossed over Scotland. Like, we spent a lot of this week hyping up the army. Yeah. Oh, I take it over the city.

They were losers.

They're making our city dirty. They're so loud. They got a lot of beer. They do so many dances singing songs. Look at those cute kilts. Got that ass bust.

Turns out just a bunch of drunks.

Don't you dare put a cone on my quarterback legend's head.

That barrier did not help whatsoever at Miami Stadium, dude. Uh, that— all right, Brazil, we, we were wondering what you're gonna do in this tournament.

You're older.

I know Neymar is the star, but you can't expect anything out of Neymar. Vinícius is gonna have to be the guy.. And it plays into the larger story of this World Tournament for me, which is, man, the superstars are playing well. All the names that— all right, who— what am I looking for here? Well, the face on the graphic promoting the game, that guy's got a bag of brace. He's going for 2 goals, it would seem. Vinícius was incredible. The high press from Brazil had Scotland in absolute hell. And now Scotland, in all likelihood, probably out. They need some luck. So that sucks because the Tartan Army I know as a small business owner down here, really appreciated them. 5x that Tuesday night output. Thank you for coming to Las Rosas, Tartan Army. But yeah, it looks like they might be done.

Okay, now what ended up happening last night? Because last night that game was here. Brazil beat Scotland 3-0. But we spoke about it yesterday, Tony, where the, the big story was actually not what was taking place on the pitch between Scotland and Brazil, it's what could possibly take place above the pitch with the motherships.

Yeah.

Was there an alien invasion?

No alien invasion. We were all rooting for it. Everybody that—

we were rooting for—

we were all rooting for it. Everybody on social media was like, man, that's what we're going to watch.

That shit would have been lit.

Can you imagine? All of a sudden, Vini's about to score on his second goal, and then all of a sudden he gets floating.

Where's the ball? Oh, the keeper just got shot into a mechanical arm inside of a mothership.

But again, there we were. I watched the entire game as I usually do. And when I'm watching World Cup games, but I'm there watching. No, because sometimes people watch like the first half and they're like, oh, I got something better to do. It's 2-0.

Like, as I usually do.

Have the aliens showed up yet?

All right, I'm out.

So I was actually taking care of my daughter and I was like changing her diaper.

If the aliens showed up like late in the first half, do you then still watch the second half?

Yeah. Yeah. I would have watched.

You would have stuck with it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I would like to see the ramifications of that would be.

Yeah. Do they treat it like a red card where you can't actually bring other people in? Or what are they going to do with the crowd? Half the crowd got taken too.

No precedent.

No, yeah, no precedent. No alien invasion. I think the lady that was a psychic got one over on us.

Have we heard from her yet?

We haven't, but everybody in the world has been talking about this.

24 million followers, Domini.

It's probably got to double by now because everybody's like, wait a second, I got to follow this lady for more stuff.

Can we look it up?

Well, I will.

Yeah. How many—

Tony follows her.

Wouldn't you figure that she would—

Portuguese content.

Hello?

I don't really know what you're saying.

Hello? Oh, scam unlikely. My bad.

It's a top-tier turkey call.

Hello? I would have figured that she would lose followers when the alien invasion doesn't happen. I mean, she's supposed to be attention currency.

It doesn't matter if you're actually good at what you do.

These heat is heat, baby.

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Hello, listeners.

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The Avatar Show.

All right, so tonight, 10 PM Eastern, you got the US playing their final group game, uh, against Turkey.

You will be missing it. I'm gonna write you down as a note.

I, I've—

10 PM Eastern and stuff.

I've been a little bit under the weather lately. I have had a hard time staying up late this week. I, I'm gonna try.

I am.

Are you enjoying the World Cup?

Very much.

Yeah, like all the— it's such pop culture tentpole.

Although I have become the face of the ugly American who likes the ad.

I like your— I liked your take. I don't like the ads. I get it. But I'm also embracing it. I'm throwing fours up.

I—

I'm having fun with it. It's— you're not going to stop FIFA from putting a commercial break in there, right?

The biggest— the biggest response that I get from everybody who's mad at me is if I didn't— if I— if I didn't feel this way, maybe they wouldn't be doing it. I'm allowing it because I'm not outraged.

No, I think I'm allowed. You said in the clip you'd prefer no commercials with your sports, but it's not like it's a ton of commercials. And in some instances it is an opportunity to change the game, which I get that part. Like, there's some clear momentum shifts happening in some of these matches, which you can assume probably wouldn't happen otherwise. But everybody's playing by the same rules.

I mean, I get— I understand your point. But in their defense, like, this is like a sport that they still have. They could stop the clock if they wanted to with the ball goes out of bounds. They don't do that. So the idea that we're introducing this brand new element, yeah, it's kind of weird, you know, introduce new elements to a game like this and then they do. And like the VAR, we talked about all that, all those new elements, they feel a little weird for a game that's not very adaptive.

Dom, I'm not a huge fan of VAR. I think it's taken a lot of emotion from the game.

Well, especially when a goal is scored. That's—

yeah, it's you've always kind of had that in soccer where you wait and the linesman throws up. There's always a bit of wait-and-see approach on close calls.

It sucks.

It's gotten really bad at the club level in the Premier League. As a Premier League fan, where every play the guy trots over to the screen, you have that kind of whole nonsensical approach to it, and it really slows the game down. They seem to have gotten it right here with all the, the Hawkeye technology. These calls are coming in quick. You can give yourself over to the emotion of the game a little bit more. I reckon that we've probably, even with the hydration break and commercial time, we've actually saved time on these games because of how quickly the technology is acting. I think these are very fluid breaks that are happening within the game when they search for— with their VAR officials for what happened there. I actually think that this is probably the best use of this new technology in the game. I'm happy with the pace of the game, even including a hydration break.

Quick update on the sidekick from social media, Voy Bahana. She's at 24.4 million followers, so up 1.4 million since the prediction.

There you go. All right. This has worked out for her then. Mike, you were in Guadalajara the last few days. You went to how many matches?

Only one.

How was that, man?

It was incredible.

Yeah.

Yeah. Obviously bad news.

Who played?

Beforehand. It was Colombia and DR Congo. I saw Lumumba in the flesh. I know people feel— have a lot of feelings on that. Look, he's a soccer fan, and the Soccer Federation seems really cool with having him there, and he's a superstar when he walks. He's got aura there.

People don't like the Lumumba statue, man.

There are people out there that are like, look into his history, and I get it.

Oh, Lumumba's history, the actual Lumumba statue, man?

No, no, no, the actual history of the actual Lumumba.

Yeah, yeah, that's, uh, yeah, I mean Look at this.

It's a fun soccer fan.

I'm aware of it, but tell Jeremy.

No, like, there was, there's this like Colombian fan that— I don't know if you've ever seen this pottery that comes from Colombia. Tony, do you know what I'm talking about? Where these characters— there's a guy that's like straight up in blackface.

Oh yeah, no, I know what you're talking about.

But there was a guy and he was shown on the monitors. I'm like, that wouldn't have happened in the United States, I don't think. And he's like cheesing with Lumumba. They're taking photos together. I'm like Cultural differences, no doubt. But let me tell you about my experience in Guadalajara. Guadalajara. Dude, traveling abroad made this really feel like a World Cup. I've never gone to World Cup matches prior to this year. My first experience was it was in with it was in New York and New Jersey for France-Senegal. And I've been to MetLife Stadium before. Different. Yeah. I can't believe the finals there, but I was like, oh, this is vibrant. But I didn't feel like it was anything special. I felt like the World Cup was just, you know, playing into infrastructures that already existed, which they are. But going to a different country, you truly have an appreciation for just how gigantic the World Cup actually is. Like, you had— you're in a crowd at very late at night watching Jordan and Algeria amongst thousands of Mexicans, and everyone's fixated on what's happening on the screen. It is such a big, beautiful world out there with so many cultures.

And it took me going to another country to make it feel like, wow, this is— to have a true appreciation for it, which I did. The stadium in Guadalajara was unbelievable. The people were incredible. The passion that Colombian fans have for their national team, pretty hard to rival that. And it was a great party, great festive atmosphere. Now all that's coming to Miami here in this next game. Loved my experience in Guadalajara. Guadalajara.

I don't want to sound like Ugly American, but I'm gonna ask it anyway. I'm watching the games yesterday and I'm wondering, you know, when there's a play—

Why they don't run the ball more?

When there's a play that happens that the players disagree with, it's always funny to me, by the way, when you got a bunch of guys from one team and a bunch of guys from the other team and like they're crowding the referee and they're all yelling, they're trying to get their point out. Like, can you imagine that in the NBA?

And then they push each other out of the way, they're like, no, you get out of the way.

Like, can you imagine the NBA? You got 10 guys for both teams just crowding the referee and like it's all allowed to happen, you know, it's so weird. But the part that—

It kind of does happen in the NBA too.

But at least there's 3 referees where it's like they can all kind of—

Mike's doing the move though that the ref does of like, "Get away from me, I'm talking to him." Like homeboy's on his own out there trying to fend off a bunch of other guys.

It's always strange to me. But the part that I am wondering, what language is being spoken to the referee?

English is the official language of FIFA.

As it should be.

So if you're complaining to a referee, they usually have to try to—

Okay, so you're saying every referee then speaks English for sure?

Yes, in fact, if they ever have to go to the microphone and explain a call, they have to do so in English.

But I would imagine though that both teams who are playing don't necessarily speak English, so how are they communicating with the referee then?

They have to try to fight through it, or they'll say things in their native language and try their luck. Look, I mean, as someone that has traveled abroad a couple of times, I know when someone's angry at me, even though I don't speak the language. So there are plenty of ways that are universal.

I think the color of the kit in which this happened lets you know what this person is saying. They are saying what you are doing is wrong.

And controversially, they've introduced a rule that we saw with the Paraguay match where if you cover your mouth—

I saw that.

It's a red. I think that's so dumb. They got to do away with that. Yeah, yeah, because he—

I think they should bring his mouth—

you don't know if he's actually saying anything bad.

No, but the way that I understand is it's not just if you're covering your mouth and talking. If the referee determines it's in a, uh, uh, contentious— yeah, in a contentious situation.

Yes.

I mean, that is so subjective.

You should bring that to baseball. You're ejected immediately.

Or the NBA, you know, they're putting their jerseys on, you're out of here.

It's an opportunity for a look at me referee such as like Anthony Taylor to just happen a few days ago. Totally. And that's a—

Dom, you know Anthony Taylor.

Oh yeah.

But for, for Chris though, I mean, well, the referee that did it was also a bit of a look at me official, if you're familiar with FIFA. One thing that surprised me in terms of FIFA being the official language was the first voice that you would hear. This is Colombia. That was basically a host nation there. It was, it was 99% Colombians. And I know DR Congo people have had issues coming over to the states in Mexico, in part because of the quarantine. But the first voice that you hear in the stadium, even in Mexico, is a super American PA voice.

Really?

It was weird.

Hello and welcome.

Yeah, it was like that. Me checking in for Colombia.

It was kind of Uptown Pale was hosting in Guadalajara.

Yeah, I wonder if it's expected. Unexpected for sure.

If the English language, like, what it, uh, connotes in other places. Because, like, when we hear an English accent, no matter what they're saying, we, like, it, it immediately feels fancy to us, even if to English people it sounds bad. I wonder what, like, in different countries— it probably is just scary, actually. You hear people speaking English in an American accent, you're probably just like, oh, I didn't look super American because I was repping Colombia pretty hard.

I like to cosplay as a Colombian It's fun. I'm not Colombian, but I'm also Irish-Italian. They're never in the GD thing. So my side hustle nation, it's Colombia. And it was only in conversation with fans at the Fan Fest where people deduced that I was American. And most people were like, so how do you feel about everything that's going on?

Really?

Yeah.

And I would be like, I'd share my honest opinion there. And we'd— and they would kind of like nod like, okay, okay, you're all right. They also had to speak to me in English because everyone has to adhere to this rule.

Gutes für alle.

Dan Levitar.

John, can you rate my Al Pacino from that billiard scene in Carlito's Way if I do it for you? I think it's pretty good.

Yeah.

Jonathan Saslow.

You think you're big time?

Well, you're gonna die big time.

That is on my infamous scale of 1 to 10, that's a, that's a 7.6. Solid.

Good job.

Good job. Good job.

Good job.

That's a Sui nominee right there. This is the Dan Levatar Show.

I'm hoping that I'll be in a state where I'm feeling good enough. Like I said, I'm fighting a little bit of a cold. I'm hoping that I'll be able to stay up tonight for the US game. But I think what will help me possibly stay up is I am going to the movies tonight. I'm taking my son, I'm taking my younger son. We're going to see Supergirl.

You getting the dick cup? No, you're getting the dick cup.

I'm— no, I would, I would never, I would never get a dick cup. And we're going— but because I, I just, I don't want a dick cup.

Get the dick cup and take a selfie with the dick cup, send it to your group chat, so be like, hey, I got the dick cup.

I saw David Corn sweat Superman. He does not like the dick cup. Somebody showed it to him there, he didn't like it.

Do you get other souvenir cups?

Veiny dick cup.

Uh, no, I don't, I don't get the souvenir. Okay, okay, well then I'll allow it.

I thought It was just something about this cup that you do.

I went to He-Man last week, 2 weeks ago, whatever it was. Uh, with my son.

It is enough.

I get this guy some friends.

Yeah, it's enough of this.

What do you mean it's enough of this?

I mean, every day I did it with my kids.

He's like my best pal. I love doing things with him.

I got a question for you. I know you now through work, so like as an employee, and I also hear a lot about you as a parent. I was wondering if we put it all together of like the four aspects of your life, do you think that you are a better employee, spouse, parent, or friend. Also put that on the poll, Juju. Put it on the poll.

What are you the best at?

What are you the best at? Like as an employee?

And what are the options?

Employee. So like where you work, your partner. So if you don't have a spouse, partner or a parent, I guess you could throw pets in there. Maybe a pet parent.

And friend.

Or friend. Because I think that I'm a pretty bad, like, I'm an inconsistent friend, but I come through big for friends. So like, if you need me, I'm there, but I'm not gonna call you all the time.

I think I'm only a good parent.

Alright, so let me think again. What are you the best at? Employee, spouse, parent, or friend?

Yeah.

I think I'm a good employee. I think I'm easy to work with. Alright, I think I'm a good worker. I think I'm a very good friend. Loyalty is very important to me.

Make sandwiches before a long trip.

That's true. Yes, I guess we're not gonna ever let that go.

I think I'm a great husband.

Friend, um, parent. Yeah, I mean, look, I—

so you're perfect. We got a perfect guy in here.

No, you're a damn good parent.

I think I'm a good parent, but, but I also, like, I'm self-aware enough to let you know, like, I told you this yesterday, all these things that I'm doing with my son, these are all the— it's an excuse for me to do all the things that I want to do. Like, I want to see Supergirl tonight, and I'm lucky my son is into the same shit that I am.

Watching sex scenes is one thing, is that would go in the negative column.

I don't think they got any in Supergirl. You might want to Buy a different ticket, you guys gonna be disappointed.

I think the thing that I'm weakest at though would be being a spouse because of all— well, because of all those things that we just mentioned there. Yeah, I, I get much less criticism as an employee, as a parent, as a friend than I do from my spouse. Like, my spouse, my wife, will criticize me, so that has to be the one I'm weak.

What do we think comes back just with our, our whole audience? What comes back? I think the least— I think the two favorites to be the lowest percentage are friend and employee. Yeah, I think everyone thinks—

I think parent's going to be super high.

Everyone's lowest percentage means, okay, so they don't think they're the best at that.

I think people think they're the worst at those two things. I think parent's going to be high because I think everyone thinks they're a good parent.

And I think that good parents get told that they're good parents. And I think bad parents get told that they're good parents.

Really?

The only time I tell a parent you're doing a good job is when they're doing a terrible job. Like, if you are struggling, the kids are running your life, I'm like, hey buddy, you're doing all right, you're doing it. And I mean, huh, what the hell is going on? I never go up to a parent who's like, whose kids are like super well behaved and like, hey, hey guy, you kids, I haven't even noticed you, you're doing a great job.

It is true, like the ones that are, that are drowning at like a graduate, like at Yale's graduation ceremony, no one's going up to the graduate's parents, say, hey, you're doing a great job, right? Like, we all know they're doing a great job.

Well, they aren't necessarily.

Probably if your kid graduated from Yale.

But is he balanced?

What's he like to talk to? I also think that, like, this is me, like, projecting some from my parental experiences. Like, the kids kind of who the kids are. And like, I, I raised all my kids kind of the same. All very different. And you meet them all in different settings. You're like, hey, you're doing a good job with that one. I'm like, hey, I didn't really like teach my daughter how to be able to sit down and focus for hours straight to do her homework. She just was born that way. We don't do like concentration practice. I didn't do that.

But you don't think that if you were a shitty parent, they wouldn't be different kinds of shitty then?

Oh yeah, I think you can mess it up. But I don't think that— I don't think that you can like do much more. You can give them access, you give them love, you can do those things. But like The way that we measure people's parenting ability is by the results that their kids produce. And we assume that the kids who are the most successful had the best parents, which actually kinda is not true. It's like thinking that the best coaches always win the championship even though they don't have the best talent. Like, some kids are born with a lot of useful skills, some kids aren't. And—

There are plenty of parents who are good parents and their kid ends up being a drug addict.

And there's plenty of parents who are terrible parents whose kids turn out to be incredible. Yeah, weird. I don't know, it's weird.

I'm having a bit of a crisis of identity right now, realizing I think employee might be my answer.

That's tough.

And that's really bad. I don't want that to be the case.

Mr. Bootlicker?

Yeah.

Why is that a bad thing?

Mr.

The Man is not doing Jeremy's work? I think if I guessed, Jeremy would want to be a better spouse and partner. That's right. Like he sees himself as someone who's generous and kind.

Takes a lot of pride in that. Yeah.

He's way too long-winded in meetings though.

Yeah.

Finally, that was just too real. Someone said it.

I think I have a great spouse though. I actually think I'm probably a better spouse than I am parent. It's— yeah, I think I'm good at—

you want to rethink that? Or he said that like, sounds like he's thinking about it.

I'm also too long-winded in foreplay.

Kenny, not long enough, I guess.

What about Roy?

I'm not good at anything, man.

That's not true. That is not true. You don't have to do the self-deprecation.

That's not self-deprecation.

That's the truth.

It's facts. I'm not going to—

Well, that was a bad and yes. So it's not worker.

Yes and.

Yes and. Damn.

Damn.

Right now, early results, spouse and employer coming in the lowest. Like people think they're the best friends.

Spouse is going to be low.

People think they're good friends and parents right now.

Oh, I'm shocked at that because I assume that we have like a predominantly male audience and men—

That's why spouse is going to be low.

Yeah, I feel like men are bad friends and good spouses. I, I don't know.

I, I think men are great friends.

As long as I'm not cheating, I'm a good spouse, right? There are other factors of this.

Not having sex with other women is—

there's a few other parts of it.

Yeah, I'm not a great spouse. I don't cheat, but yeah, I'm not good. I mean, I gotta, I gotta listen better.

From what I understand, your entire retirement plan is going over to trading cards.

Yeah, I gotta be better with my money, so I assume that's all. Oh, my wife, my wife hates me right now.

He starts the day today telling everybody he's, he's got to get out from under this new, uh, addiction that he has.

It's bad, I'm not even kidding.

He can't stop buying trading cards.

Asking for help.

He continues to buy into breaks.

It's not even like buying straight out trading cards, it's like buying into breaks. Yeah, I've never heard—

on sports cards. I've never heard on this app that you can just like—

explain what buying into breaks is.

You basically, it's like a this company says, I'm going to open 8 boxes of cards here and you can bid on— there's 260 names of athletes that could potentially come in these 8 boxes.

Potentially.

So now you're going to bid a dollar amount on a random draw of those 260 names.

Okay.

So they're at $4, $5. Sometimes I can get up there into the $10 or $11.

Those—

that's when it gets dangerous. But if you're in that $5, $6 range, you spin the wheel, you could get Jackson Dart or you could get a lineman you never heard of. It's kind of the roll of the dice because those cards won't be worth anything, right? So it's just— I'm, I'm— I've been doing this for weeks.

Can you—

I'm, I'm—

so do you then—

I'm losing money essentially.

Do you then flip the cards? Can you post them up there to be, to be gambled on?

Or—

oh no, I have a handful of cards. Like, I have this Josh Allen card that's, that's sold for $800.

You're going to lose your house, right?

I could essentially sell my bulk of good cards for a couple thousand dollars.

Oh my God, you're going to lose everything.

But I don't know how to do that.

So $12 at a time, it's, it's—

let me get them.

The rush—

I'll sell it for you.

The rush of when that thing is spinning and you land on Tyler Shook.

Oh my God, that's a good thing.

I'm saying, all you want is rookies. And last year— so you want the last year's rookies. So right now, Jackson Dart's a big one, you know, Tyler Shook. It's, it's crazy. Like Quinn Ewerth, I'm telling you, it's just— they love rookie quarterbacks. If you have a rookie quarterback card, it's worth something.

Rookie quarterbacks, rookie wide receivers, uh, running backs.

But I'm broke of all my play money. Don't be alarmed, everyone, I'm still paying my bills. But like, you know, my money goes in different— you know, everyone would do this, or money— like, some money goes to bills, some goes to like, all right, you can have a little fun with this. I don't have any more.

It's only football though, they don't do basketball or baseball.

All the cards do everything.

But football and basketball, especially basketball— football and basketball are the biggest, I believe, with the cards, with the trading cards. I know because my son works in one of these stores.

I never got into trading cards. Like, I, um, Tony, I feel like you've been judging me a little this week. You might judge me for this also. I had no— I had like a binder that had some football cards, had some baseball and basketball cards, but more than anything it had like Marvel superhero cards.

It's a bad look.

Yeah, I had a snake and Marvel superhero cards.

Not only that, you You were talking about Jackass the other day. Like, if you like Jackass, like, there's, there's a good, there's a good, like, Venn diagram of, like, Snake Kids, of Jackass likers, of that kind of stuff where I'm just like, I don't know if I like what Dominique's got going.

I like Jackass. I've always never wanted to like Jackass. And then you got a baby kid, you got a baby alligator biting your dick. It's funny. It's funny.

It's Preston and Wee Man for me.

It's not funny anymore.

It's sad. It's always funny when an animal of some sort bites your dick.

Oh my God, you're 60.

This is crazy.

Did you see that?

You still having that gator bite your dick at 60?

Did you see them at Banana Ball like a week back? Like Johnny Knoxville got in front of the plate and took one right in the face.

Yeah, I like— oh man, that looks gross. Is someone gonna do that? Not me, right? Someone else? Haha, yeah.

Watching dudes get hurt is always funny.

Yeah, it was. Throw that really heavy thing at his head. Don't kill him. But make it hurt.

There's an age cutoff. Like, I feel— I loved Jackass when it was first— when it first came out, and their first movie was surprisingly good.

But when I see—

when I see these commercials now, it's like, that dude's 60.

That's right.

Why are we still like—

come on. I mean, you were a part of Highly Questionable. They had an entire block dedicated to people getting hit in the junk, right?

But they were not 60-year-old people.

I mean, it's even funnier when you're 60.

No, it's so sad. It just feels like these guys, like Did you put a little bit of coin away? A little something saved up?

No, clearly they didn't. That's why they're still doing it. They're still running for 5.

Yeah, the new one's coming out, right?

Also, very few people are like, "All right, I've made a decent amount of money. I'll stop." Most people want more money.

I get it, but at what cost?

Yeah, you're going to put the electrocution thing on your dick again.

Yes.

And then walk a tightrope where you fall again.

Make it look like Godzilla. Yeah, make it look like Godzilla. Make something biting you in the dick look like Godzilla.

I find the Jackass movies, if you ever pass it on television, I always stop on it and it's hypnotic. Like, I can't change the channel. I just zone out and watch.

Get in that porta-potty. Now drop it from a crane.

That's funny, you see? That's funny.

Shoot the guy out of a cannon into cactus.

Let's have an escape room with— let's borrow some of those cactuses that you were talking about, litter it with cacti, mousetraps, and try to find this light switch.

Blindfold.

And do so as a 63-year-old man.

That's funny, Tom!

That's the good shit!

With your balls out.

The Dan Lebatard Show and DraftKings Sports will be at the Lost Boy Clubhouse this Saturday.

Are you okay?

All right, I am okay.

All right.