Transcript of When Childhood Fear Becomes Adult Anxiety | #102

I mean, you could look at that way, but it could also be, I think we're hanging out a lot. I've noticed some distance in my relationship, or it's saturating the podcast. We're not. There's a lot of things.

It's not always my fault is what you're saying. Now, that's interesting. Welcome back to Second In Therapy. We want to remind you that we are not.

Hey, what's up, though?

Therapists. We're not licensed professionals, and this is not a substitute for therapy in any way?

Did I get it? Honestly, I wasn't listening. I'm going to say it just in case. You tell me if you said it. Okay. We're not therapists. We're not experts. Nailed it. This is not a substitute for therapy.

I did all that.

This is not professional advice in any way.

Yep. Good job. Fucking nailed it, dude. Hey, what's up, though? First time.

Are you lying to me?

No.

This is being recorded, so we'll find out.

Honestly, I'm going to be honest with you right I don't know.

Yeah, I know. I listened to TV off earlier today, and I've been saying, Hey, what's up, though? All day long.

Hey, I can't blame you.

Hey, what's up, though?

I'll tell you what's up. What's up? These fucking ads. They're about to hear so many ads. Are they? Maybe. I don't know. And you don't know when they're coming. We don't know when they're coming. They're going to come out of nowhere. So go over to Patreon. Avoid the ads. Head on over to Patreon and get ad-free episodes and early access. You would be listening to this episode on Friday. You would have already heard this episode, but now you're here on a Monday listening to it while you drive to work instead of driving home from work.

Okay, we got an email Yeah. From a woman, a young, nice, lovely woman, lovely lady.

Okay.

Who is taking an indefinite break from the podcast because our pitches of Patreon are too aggressive and they were triggering for her. And listening to this podcast was no longer a safe space.

Because of your abusive time.

Yes. So I'm going to ask nicely. Okay. If you like what we're doing here and you would like to support it, Patreon is a good place for that. Instead of giving your money to fucking Starbucks, you idiot.

No, no. Just the first part. Which part was- The last part is bad. You can't... See, that's the abusive part. It's the first part that's okay. It was very nice. It was very lovely.

Please go to Patreon.

See?

You fuck.

No.

Damn it. We're doing giveaways on Patreon. Well, not giveaways. If you sign up, you get a little treat. Get a little treat. Get a little treat. If you sign up for the ad-free tier, we're going to send you a sticker that I want to be honest with you, a lot of time went into designing this sticker.

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I saw that. All right, we got to get in this episode. Let's do it. Thank you for being here. We love you. While you're here, please like, subscribe, share the episode. Leave a comment. A nice one, if you could.

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Secondhand therapy. I was in old Seattle. I was up there. I had a little reset.

Old Seattle?

I was in old Seattle. I wasn't in new age Seattle. I was in old Seattle.

Okay, you were in old Seattle.

Yeah, I had a nice little solo trip.

Yeah, you did. I wasn't invited.

That's right. I was walking on the beach.

To be honest, did you think about inviting me? Absolutely.

I want you to go to Seattle so bad.

But you didn't invite me.

Why? Okay, you wouldn't go.

I was waiting for you to invite me because I was going to go. That's not true. Yeah, I know. I do want to go to Seattle, though.

It's so nice up there. It's one of my favorite spots.

How many times we talked about taking the train up the Coast?

Too many. We're a couple of old men right now. I was like, I think it's three. How many times have we've talked about that?

Like three.

Yeah. It was nice. Yeah. I went hiking. I had a little reset. I was journaling. Yeah, I was doing all that stuff. I had this thought, and I think you're going to hate it. Maybe you'll like it. I don't know. All right. I was on my hike, and I was taking a bunch of pictures. I was thinking about like... When I'm taking pictures, sometimes I think they're going to be incredible. And then other times I take them and I'm I didn't really get anything today. Like, these are all shit. And then I go back to the house and I'm editing and I'm going through them, I'm processing them and whatever.

And as one does on a vacation.

And usually, they surprise me. Usually, the ones that I think are shit are incredible, and the ones I think are incredible are shit. And I was on my little hike early in the morning, and I'm thinking about this, and I'm thinking how it relates in life and how So a lot of these moments that we have in the moment, it either feels like it's incredible or it's shit. And then you process it and time passes and you look at it and you go, Oh, yeah, that wasn't as bad as I thought it was, or that was even better, or that was necessary to happen, that thing. And I don't know. I just like that little reflection that I had on my morning walk.

You proud of yourself? I No, that makes sense. That's cool.

I need you to change gears out of the shit show. Come on over to second-hand therapy. Sorry.

We're reflective here.

Here's the thing.

I don't know if I agree with it.

Okay.

I didn't say I don't like it. I like it. But a photo... I'm going to say it.

Okay.

A photo doesn't change. You have the photo. You edit it and whatever, you're like, Holy shit, that turned out great. But moments, you can have a truly horrific moment. And even as you look back on it, it's never going to feel that fresh again. So it's probably not going to be as bad. And same thing with joy. You're going to look back and be like, Oh, man, I was so excited about that, but it was like, Hey, it was okay.

I don't know.

Your memory is so unreliable.

Yeah.

But I do like the analogy. I just don't know that I agree with it.

But you also... You're not one... Okay, because we got into this, actually in the shit show, talking about capturing moments, right? Oh, hiking. Yeah, we were talking about hiking, and I took a little video from the hike, and you were like, just be in the moment. Just capture it with your mind. So does that carry over into photos as well? When you're out in the world, on a vacation or with your girl somewhere, are you Are you taking a photograph or are you just living in the moment?

If I am on a trip and I'm taking a photograph, it's for the photography of it. It's not for the future of nostalgia. Well, yeah. I don't know. I don't think I subscribe to that, the idea that We'll just do the simple thing of you on the hike taking the video. You're not... You watch the video of the hike. Okay, hey, just go do the hike again. I don't understand. I do understand. I don't like, and I am trying to break myself of this thing that we're supposed to have access to everything all the time. If If you're sitting here behind your desk, you're not supposed to be like, Oh, I'm hiking, or have a thing. Either use your memory or go hike. That's not how life works. You don't get to take vacation back home with you. You don't get to take Hawaii back to your living room. Go back to Hawaii. It might take a while. That's what experiences are. This thing that we have to have every experience in our pocket. I've been talking to you. I'm trying to get off streaming. Why the fuck do I need every song ever made It's readily available to me?

It's very convenient. I'll pop in a CD or a tape. I'm getting my fucking tape game up. Cassettes, baby. And then I'll listen to it. This fucking, like, having access to every album, every song, what are we doing?

What do we need that for? Yeah, I agree. I think we have... I've been thinking about this in that realm of we just have access to too many people as well. We're not supposed to be this exposed to this much.

Yeah. And we're not supposed to be as accessible as we are. Yeah. Oh, dude, I got a phone in my asshole all day long. Yeah. Why? Oh, in case you have a thought you need to tell me, go fuck yourself, dude. Leave me an answering machine message at the beep.

Yeah.

Yeah, man.

See, I don't know. I'm a little I feel differently about capturing moments because for me, even though I'm not able to fully relive that or whatever, it still brings me some of joy or, I don't know, nostalgia to it of like... When I was in Seattle, one of the very few videos I did take was I was out on this beach. It's seven in the morning. And it's so quiet and the waves are rolling in, and there's a little island across the water there, and this little boat just comes just floating by. And I got my phone out and I got that moment of just this little boat coming in frame, taking his time, doing his little boat life, and then going out of frame, and that was it. And it's just this little peaceful memory of being on that beach and being up early and remembering that hike. And so when I look at that video, I'm like, yeah, it doesn't feel exactly how it felt when I was there, but it's still a lot of those feelings still wash over me about being like, oh, man, yeah, that morning was really nice, and I really enjoyed that, and it was so peaceful.

So I'm able to have a piece of it.

Yeah, you're lying to yourself.

That's not... No, I'm not.

Oh, really? Because can I tell you what that moment was? Sure. You on your phone. That's what the moment was.

For 15 seconds? Yeah.

And that's what you're going to rewatch. Is you like this. That's the memory you captured.

This is not the memory I captured. Yes, it is. I got that. But what I'm remembering when I'm looking at that video is being on that beach and being in that moment and the trees and everything else and I'm not remembering this.

Hey, you are. I'm not. Because that's what you're watching.

Are you too literal for nostalgia?

No, you're lying to yourself.

You don't have any nostalgia.

I have nostalgia, but I also understand that looking at this, a video I took, is not me looking at that moment. It's me looking at the video I took that took me out of the moment to capture.

Not for me. And I'm not lying to myself. I don't think of myself staying there like an asshole being like, I got a boat. I think of the moment, how peaceful it was.

So peaceful that you thought, Let me get my phone out.

So peaceful that I was like, I want to take this with me.

You can't take it with you. Hello, my little bear cubs. We have a new sponsor, and that new sponsor is, Betterhelp.

Yes.

Betterhelp is an online resource for therapy. Yeah. And I don't know who would have guessed it? Who would have guessed it? I don't know if you know about the show, but we're actually very pro-therapy around here. Very pro-therapy.

And this is the rumor that's going around.

It's helped me a lot. Really?

Tell me more.

It really has. You don't notice a change in me? Is that what you're saying?

I do.

Okay, then. Has it helped you?

Absolutely. I'm in better help right now, and my therapist is awesome.

Your therapist sounds pretty great. I'm not going to lie.

He did. I'm so happy with him. And whenever we have to reschedule or something changes, it's so easy. It's literally two clicks and it's done.

I have to call mine.

Boo.

It's terrible. But here's what I will say. I was always very much an in-person therapy set up for myself. I'm on Telehealth now.

Way better. Oh, yeah.

Dude, doing therapy from your couch or in your space where you're comfortable, dude, I'm doing way better.

That's one of the best parts of better help is that I get to do it from my cozy little corner chair. I dim the lights, I light a candle. It is therapy time.

Yeah, I don't ever want to go back to a therapy office again. So that's where we're at. Now, since they are a new sponsor of ours, they were nice enough to give us a little discount code for you to use. A little treat. Yeah. If you're hearing this, maybe you're in between insurance and you would like to start some therapy, or maybe you've never been to therapy and you really want to try it out. Betterhelp is a really good start. They make it easy to find and pair up with somebody, and it's very affordable. Cool. So if you want to give it a shot, you can use the discount code they gave us. You can go to betterhelp. Com/secondhandtherapy, or just betterhelp. Com, and it'll ask you where you heard about it. Choose secondhand therapy. They'll give you 10% off your first month. Try it out. Start your healing journey. Change my life. Did you change your life?

I'm changed.

He's changing.

See, when you say, I should get my phone, that makes it feel like I'm like, I should get my phone out and watch TikTok. It's so peaceful right now. No, I'm capturing something.

Is that how it made you feel?

Made me think that way.

Here's the thing. You're lying. I'm not. Because you also post many selfie videos of you like, Oh, look at all the trees. Oh, look at the beach. Look at...

Yeah.

You're not present for any of that.

What you're talking about are these small increments of time. I was on that beach for over 2 hours that morning that I was doing the bird and the boat's updates.

How many phone calls or FaceTimes did you do?

One, I had one phone call.

Too many.

Hey, I agree. I agree.

That's all I'm saying.

I agree.

But-finaly not lying yourself. That was a good moment.

Anyways, I had a nice little reset until I came back to talk to you.

Yeah. Until you were on your phone in a different city. Cool, man.

So the ideal getaway for you is just leave your phone back at the Airbnb and just be out in the world.

That's ideal. That's not realistic because I think you need your phone for navigation.

Okay. So you're not capturing any life moments when you're out and about in the world?

No, not life moments. Like I said, if I do, it'll be for the photography of it or the art of it. Yeah, but not for like, I want to remember this. Hey, dude, I'll remember it. And if I don't, that's how life works.

You can't remember everything. How is that a different distraction from what I'm doing? Whether I'm capturing it for nostalgia or you're capturing it for photography, how are those two different? Because you You still have your camera or phone out.

I don't think it's that different.

Okay.

Yeah, still on my phone.

Okay.

Yeah.

It was a test and you passed.

Shocking. Yeah. I'll never... Yeah, that's just not for me. I don't get that shit. People who take a video walking in the...

Yeah.

Oh, look, Well, don't go down this alley. Shut the fuck up. Really? Shut up.

You don't ever want to share.

It's not... You're lying to yourself. It's not sharing.

What about that? It's not sharing?

It's a desire for attention. It's a desire for people to envy you for a moment.

Oh, buddy. No. Well, I can't speak for everybody.

I'm not. But I did take- I'm speaking for you, buddy.

I did. I took a video walking down on the beach, and it wasn't for like, look how cool I am. It was like, Holy shit, look what I found. I didn't know that beach was there.

I understand that's at the surface, what you think is happening. I don't believe that.

That's crazy.

Okay.

What would I gain out of...

Oh, 15 likes? And you're like, Dude, 15 people know I'm in Seattle. They think I'm cool now.

No.

Okay. That's what I think. You like to be liked.

I do like to be liked. These are true things. But in those moments...

Again, get below the surface with me.

I am in that specific moment of like, look at this fucking beach I found. That was a sharing moment. That was not a validation moment.

So I would say if you want to share it, who do you want to share it with? Because you're like, I want to share this with everyone. No, you don't.

Yeah.

You're not sharing it with anybody. You're putting it out in the world. You get your views, you get your likes. If you take a video and send it to three people, you're like, Dude, how cool is this? Hey, I can get on board with that. But posting it on your thing, that's not sharing it.

Interesting.

You know?

Yeah, I I struggle with that because I've just been in the public eye for my whole adult life. And so when I think about sharing something, I'm like, Yeah, I'll put it on my story so everybody can see it. I wouldn't think to send it to three people or whatever the fuck. I would put it on my story and hope that those three people see it. Is that fucking weird?

Yeah, I mean, I hope these three people see, or you just send it to them.

Yeah, I never would... Oh, you know what?

Oh, that's what? We've had this conversation 100 times.

This specific thing, I would never do that because guess what?

You don't bother anybody.

Exactly. I'm bugging you. Hey. Why would I send you a fucking- You posted a bunch of stories when you're like, of your feet on a walk, you're bothering me. You have the What option do you to watch that or not. If I send that to your fucking inbox- Hey, it shouldn't be on my story.

Your dumb ass feet down the sidewalk, 6: 32 AM. Hey, save it. In that moment, you're like, I want to share this with people.

No, that moment is just like... It's not validation. I'm not looking for likes. I'm just looking-What is it? It's just like a check-in.

For the public?

Yeah.

All right.

I know.

Okay.

I don't know.

You think you're that important? No. People are like, What is he doing this morning?

No, it's not an important thing.

Why would you need to check in?

I like it when other people do that. I like to see what other people are up to.

You're nosy as fuck, though.

I am. But so I like to check in sometimes because I like it when people check in.

What do you like about it?

Just getting a little window into what they're doing, what they're up to. I like that.

Okay. Everybody?

Yeah. You don't like that?

No. Go live your fucking life. And also, it's not real, dude. You're choosing what to check in. Why don't you choose to check in when you have explosive diarrhea? No, I'm going to check in when I got up early and I'm doing my self care. Cool, man. Convenient check in. The fuck?

I check in when I'm not doing well?

Yeah. Yeah, you do. Yeah.

Yeah.

Why?

I don't know. I don't know. I like it when other people do it, so I do it. I think other people might like it.

Hey, as long as they like it, you know.

I also like it. Hey, I'm a little lonely. You know what I mean? So why not send a little update? It's just me. It's just me out here. So why not put out in the fucking world like, I'm on my little walk this morning. Yay.

Because if you could learn to just be on your walk and enjoy it, maybe you would be less lonely.

Most mornings I do. I don't post every morning.

Well, we don't need to defend the whole thing.

I'm not defending. I'm just saying it's not an everyday thing. It's not like a whatever. Just every once in a while. That's what I'm up to.

Thanks for sharing.

You're welcome.

Yeah.

I thought you'd like it.

I fucking hate that shit.

I know you do.

I fucking hate it.

Is it really because you think these people are posting, not just me, but anybody that posts like, morning walk or whatever, you're like, do you think you're that important that I give a fuck about your morning walk?

No, I think they're that afraid of being alone that they can't just go on a walk. They have to be on their phone, and then it's a good excuse to be on your phone. You're like, Oh, no, I'm being motivational, or whatever. You're lying. You're doing a thing because you feel a little bit better about yourself. I think that's what the floor, the root of it is. So, yeah, I'm like, Hey, just don't. Just do the walk. That's what's going to help. But people can't do that. Yeah, we live in a very look at me world.

Yeah.

Yeah. You're prom king. You literally were prom king, weren't you?

Yeah, and homecoming king. Yeah. Same year.

Still riding high on that one, huh?

Let me post about it real quick.

I know. It'll happen.

Yeah, I like to... Not only do I like to share, but I also have just been like, That was my job for 20 years, was to share.

Yeah, on stage.

Off stage, too. That's how you build content and everything else. I'm not saying it's right or wrong. I'm just saying- It's wrong.

Yeah, I'll say it.

Yeah. So when Kevin Hart's at the gym, 5: 00 AM, you're like, That's wrong. He shouldn't be... He should save everything. I just want to see Kevin Hart on stage.

When you see Dave Chappelle doing 5: 00 him at the gym.

Dave checks in every once in a while.

Who do you have more respect for as a comedian?

That doesn't come into play for me.

Of course not.

Why would it? Why would I care if Dave Chappelle is checking in every once in a while on his stories, and I'd be like, he's not a real comedian?

I don't think it would tie directly, but do you think it's a coincidence?

What?

That someone who doesn't put every second of their life out for the world puts out better art? All right, we have a new sponsor. The Maka team.

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Hippie. Why? Hippie.

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No, we're talking about my ankles. That means penis. Yeah. And the place that I get my Maka from, called the Maka Team, I reached out to them and said, Hey, I just want you guys to know it's a great product. And dude, the person on their social media is the same person who answered the phone. They're like a small business. Oh, wow. Yeah, super legit. Love that. If you guys want to try out some Maka, which it's from Peru. It's a root, it's natural, it's not pharmaceutical. I really like it. I've had great results. I've noticed improvement in my mood. I've noticed improvement in my energy, in my sleep. I really like it. So you can go to themacaeteam. Com/secondhandtherapy. If you don't know how to spell Maka, it's M-A-C-A. So themaceteam. Com/secondhandtherapy. They gave us a little discount code. If you want to try it out, which I would recommend you do, I love it. Use code Bearcub, and you get 10% off. So you want to try out some Maca? Do it. The link will be in the episode description below. Promo code Bearcub. Come try out some Maka. Get your dick hard when you wake up.

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Also fun.

Live show, things where we interact with the audience.

Live streams is what he's trying to say. We are not going on tour.

Yeah, that's true. What did I say?

You said live shows.

Well, same, same. It's like a live show. Nope. It's like a Zoom.

Okay.

Anyways, you'll have access to us in a more intimate manner.

Intimate.

How about that?

Intimate? There's no and and of intimate. Like the candy. Intimate. Also, if you sign up, you get a little treat. Oh, yeah. So check out the different tiers. One of the tiers is just, if you're just here for second-hand therapy, you want no ads, we'll send you a dope little sticker. And I'm going to be honest with you, a lot of time went into designing this sticker. Yeah, too much. You could argue too much. It's a dope sticker, though. So if you sign up for that tier, we'll send you a sticker. The next tier, if you want the other podcast, if you want the bonus stuff from second-hand therapy, all the little extras, you get the sticker. And we're going to send you a signed print, designed by yours truly. That took way too much time still. Way too much time. We'll sign it, we'll send it out to you. And then we have the top tier with the live streams. If you want to out with us a couple of times a month, you get the sticker, the print, and we'll send you a T-shirt that we are not selling or getting anywhere else.

So check out Patreon. If you sign up, you get some treats, and it's a good way to support the podcast.

We'll see you over there.

Thanks.

It makes me think of Bo Burnham.

Same thing.

Yeah.

I love when you get around and you just prove my point for me. Who What else?

No, I like Bo, but I'm just saying it's multiple truths, though. We live in a world where you have to post to build community, to build content, to build followers, to build ticket sales for people to come see you or get engaged in whatever you're doing. But then also there are the rarities, like a Bo Burnham, that come along that don't ever post and still are able to do what they do. However, Bo was posting for a long... This no posting thing is a new thing. I would say since the pandemic. But he built his career posting on Vine and Twitter and everything else. So, yeah, I don't know. What comes first? The horse of the carriage. You know what I mean? Could he have done all of that without having to play the game?

I think so. Probably not as many people will have seen it, but I think he still would have made inside. I think he still would have made all the other things he made.

Yeah.

It would have been harder for him to get the money for it and the quality or the venues or whatever. But yeah. I also think he's the point I'm talking about. Of like, he did all the things you were doing, and then he's like, oh, that's fucking terrible.

Yeah.

And put out the best shit he's ever done after.

Yeah, but I think we're getting way too into this, but this is my last thought about it. But the money, the venue, and the time, and the peace that comes with that, and the serenity of all of that hard work does matter when it comes to creating the best art of your life.

Who was that comedian that shot her special in her living room in front of her parents?

Maria Bamford.

What did you think of it?

Incredible.

Next.

Now, did she have three Comedy Central presents and special? Sure. Special, like all that? Yeah, of course. So all of that led to that.

It's almost like she learned, Oh, all the big, shiny thing doesn't actually make the art good.

Yeah, but she was set up in a way that If she was able to do that. That's what I'm saying. These people are set up now to have the freedom to do that.

No, you can do it. You can just do it. You can. You just have to be okay with not 10 million people seeing it. Are you doing it because you want to make a thing and put it out, or are you doing it because you want to get famous and rich?

I think when you make a thing and put it out, you want as many people to see it. I don't know if it's really about the money, but it's more about the eyes, about being like, Hey, I made this thing, and I think it's great. I hope a lot of people see it.

If it's great, a lot of people are going to see it because people are going to share it, they're going to post about it, they're going to put their thought. Yeah.

Yeah.

That's how it works.

Interesting.

Yeah, so get off your fucking phone, you know. Yeah, I mean, I Yeah, it's a promotional tool. Instagram is your publicist. It's not your journal. It's not your diary. You want to post three times a day and it's clips of things you shot or you on stage or clips of the podcast. I get it. That's your publicist. But it's not your journal. It's not your diary. It's not for your feelings. That's a lie we tell ourselves to feel less alone, I think.

Interesting.

Yeah, and now with social, everybody thinks they're interesting. Everybody thinks they're worth watching and everything they have to say is important. Like, that's not real.

Yeah, it's annoying.

There's a reason you don't hear me outside of this podcast. I don't think I have nothing to contribute, dude. You want to hear my thoughts on what? Get the fuck out of here, dude. I got two podcasts. I cannot imagine contributing more than that to anybody's ears.

Yeah? Yeah.

What the fuck for?

Interesting.

Yeah. What are you thinking?

I don't know. I Two things.

Yeah.

One, I feel more connected to I'm going to say artist because I don't care about just regular people posting all the time and not posting or whatever. I'm talking about what we're talking about, a Bo Burnham or somebody like that, or a director that I like, or an actor or whatever. And you're talking about using Instagram as just PR and not for daily check-ins or journal or feelings or anything like that. I feel way more connected, and I enjoy those accounts more of the people that post life.

Yeah, they're not posting life. It's a performance, but yeah, I get it. Yeah, that's their publicity is to get you to feel connected to them. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, but I- It's not real.

You don't know them. You're not connected to them.

Yeah, I realize that. But I enjoy those accounts more than just somebody who's just posting clips of their product.

Yeah. It's all a sales tool. Yeah, for sure. There's a reason Kevin Hart does The Gym and then the next 10 posts are Netflix on this film and heartbeat productions. Yeah. It's just an algorithm.

Yeah. Second thought.

Are you tired of staring at your phone? Are you addicted to it?

Oh, my God. Are you? Yeah, well, yeah, like everybody else. Sure.

Okay. All right. Well, I got a new... Let me tell these people I have my new phone. Okay. It's called the light phone. Oh, I've heard about that. Yeah, you seem to use it. The light phone, also known, some people call it a dumb phone. Anyway, it's a smartphone. It has Internet, but the Internet will only get you navigation. There is no email. There is no social media, nothing like that. It does calls, it does text, it does navigation, it has a calendar, and a flash light.

It's like having a Blackberry again.

Kind of. Yeah.

I love How's it?

It has a pretty cool camera, too. I'm not going to lie. Yeah? It's got a dope camera on it. It's got a camera. Anyway, they were nice enough. They sent us a little discount code if anybody wants to get on the light phone train with us. So There's a link in the episode description for the light phone. And then if you want to pre order the light phone three, use code secondhandtherapy, all lowercase. Try out a light phone. It's pretty great.

Stop your doomscrolling.

Stop your doomscrolling. Be more present in life. Link down below. Promo code, secondhand therapy, all lowercase. Check out a light phone. Join us in the present world.

Yeah, it just had me thinking about my own, What you're saying is about not commenting or doing anything outside the podcast or what the fuck do I have to say and stuff. And Yeah, for me, I'm just like, I don't know. Things I don't feel like I have anything to add or contribute. You know what I mean? I'm not like, You should listen to what I'm saying. But also things just pour out of me. And so I'm like, What do I do with all that stuff that pours out of me?

Oh, you control it because you have control over yourself. You're a grown man.

So the stories I want to write and share and stuff like that, I just go, Nope, those are for me. Write them. Okay. Well, that's what I'm saying is things like that. What do you do with those? You write it. Yeah.

Well, I don't understand what you're asking. And then what do you do with that writing?

Yeah.

Save it until you have a collection to put in a book and then Yeah. Or if you don't want to write a book, start a medium page or whatever you want to do with it.

Yeah.

But you want to do all of that. You want to write a book and have a blog and have it on your Instagram.

Yeah, I want to do everything.

Yeah. Yeah. That's the quickest way to do nothing.

Yeah. Struggle with that a lot.

Yeah.

I'm cooking a lot of things, not eating. You know what I mean?

Yeah. You'll write a book and give away every page the year before it comes out. Hey, my book's out. And they're like, We've read it.

We saw this on threads.

We read the whole thing already.

Yeah.

I mean, this is what we're talking about. But yeah, I don't believe that it's pouring out of you. I think you, Look at this thing I did. You want somebody to say, Good. Wow. I really like that. I really related to that. It's not pouring out of you.

Sometimes, sure.

Okay.

Anyways, I started new meds.

Yeah. New meds or same meds bigger?

Same meds bigger.

And?

I doubled my dose of Adderall.

Yeah.

And I was a little nervous about it. Yeah. And I was talking to my therapist about it. And And we were talking about fear. Okay. And we got into, what is the fear with that? And I was talking about, you guessed it, mom, and about how everything was worst case scenario, and about Now, not only was it the worst case scenario, but everything was so big. Everything was death with mom. You know what I mean? You can't drive in the rain because you'll wreck your car and you'll die. It wasn't just be careful driving in the rain. It was like, Hey, you can't run the oven while I'm not home because you'll burn down the house and you'll die. It wasn't be careful, make sure the oven's off after you're done using it.

You can't use the oven when I'm not home?

No, I wasn't allowed to use the oven.

Did you ever?

Once.

And?

I've told this story. I used the stove. I put instant Jell-O on the stove top because I had never made instant Jell-O before. I thought that's how you made instant Jell-O.

Is that what it said on the box? Well, I got to tell you, mom was on to something.

So I cooked this Jell-O, and then I thought we got to cool Jell-O down. So I put it in the freezer right away. And I think you can guess what happened.

What happened?

It exploded. And the freezer became just a Jello cream pie.

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. But do you ever think your mom was just like, I got to scare him because he's going to fuck this whole thing up. You can't drive in the rain. You're like, I got three speeding tickets in three weeks. She's like, I know. I know.

Oh, fuck. Yeah. So everything was big. So that's why now I can't discern when things are small or big. So you and I were talking about this the other day about I think we talked about a couple of episodes ago with if I leave shoes out in the hallway and you're like, Hey, just keep the hallway clear. That's about shoes. However, I can't look at it as that. It's big. It is, you don't want to be my friend. I'm messy. I'm a piece of shit. I'm terrible. It's big. It's not just, get your shoes out of the hallway. It's small. Because if my mother were to tell me that, Hey, don't leave your shoes in the hallway, it would be like, Don't If I leave your shoes in the hallway. I'll trip down these stairs, Michael, and then I'll die. I'll fall down these stairs and die if you leave your shoes in the hallway. So if I leave my shoes in the hallway, I kill mom. There was there was never any correction with that. There was never any like, coming back to talk to me about it or de-escalating it or whatever. It was always just like big and worst case scenario, and left there.

And so I have all this anxiety now over fucking everything because everything is big. And it's hard for me to determine what matters and what doesn't matter, and what's big and what's small, and what is just a conversation or argument or a relationship-ending conversation or argument.

Is that a head thing or a body thing? Because I would assume you know.

Yeah, logically. I have to talk myself down, logically. So it has to be a body thing because I get all fucking tense and my stomach starts turning and I'm just like,. I'm like, Man, I got to fix this. Yeah. Yeah, everything was big. And If there was any punishment, it was always the silent treatment or disappointment or shame, and that always felt like abandonment.

Disappointment and shame, were those verbal or were they all silent treatment?

Those were verbal.

What did those sound like?

Disappointment, just like, Michael. And then it would be whatever I did. I told you not to leave those shoes in the hallway. What'd you do? I left them in the hallway. I forgot. And you know what? I tripped over them this morning, and I stubborned my toe. I almost fell down these stairs. And if I would have fell down the stairs, I would have... And then it's just that. And so it's shamefully or disappointing being put in my place with no, again, never any like, Hey, sorry, I was upset earlier. It just was that. Forever.

Okay, so mom's disappointed in you.

Yeah.

What does that mean for you?

That means that she is going to, for lack of a better term, cut me off.

Permanently?

No. But I don't know that at the time. I don't know. She's not giving me a Timer. She's not like, For two hours, you cannot hug me. It's just cold shoulder, silent treatment, disappointment, and I don't have access to her or her love during that time. I think that's what's going to happen now and forever in my adulthood. I've always thought that, that that's what happens, is you lose access to that person if you upset them. I try not to upset anybody.

Why is it hard for you to lose access to somebody temporarily?

Because I don't know it's temporary.

Even now?

Even now. If you and I get in an argument I think you're done with me for good, and I don't want that. And, logically, I still can't understand that it's It's just temporary. I still, logically, even it makes sense that you would leave for good. The other day, you were joking around. I came downstairs and you said something. What did you say?

You said-Oh, you asked if I wanted to go thrifting.

Yeah, you wanted to go thrifting. What did you say?

I said, Actually, to be honest, I think we should spend less time together. Yeah.

I took you seriously. You literally went, Yeah, I hear you. Yeah, because in my head, that made sense. I was like, Yeah, I have been bugging him a lot.

What was bugging?

Just being around you. Just existing. Yeah, just being around you and trying to be your friend around the house. Yeah. Checking in with you and being like, Hey, do you see this thing? And, Hey, what are you doing? And stuff like, Oh, yeah, I'm bugging him. So you saying, I think we should spend the last time. I'm like, You got it. Hey, man, you won't see me the rest of the weekend. I'll make sure of it.

Yeah, that makes sense. I was like, What the fuck?

Yeah, dude.

Yeah, that was wild.

Now, can I tell you something even more fucked up? Yeah. Had I taken that seriously and thought like, this is a for real thing, you would not only not see me that weekend, I would spend less and less. You would have to verbally then reengage with me to be like, Hey, we should hang out more. I miss hanging out with you. Until that would happen, oh, buddy, you got a ghost in the house. You hear something in the upstairs, but you never see it. I'm gone.

Yeah.

Because I think that's what it takes to protect the relationship. Even though I would be hurting and I'd be like, I miss my friend, and I want to hang out with him. I wonder what he's doing. But my needs don't matter. It's your needs. You said we're spending too much time together. So that means I go bye-bye until you decide, Hey, I miss my friend. Got it. Yeah, and, logically, I don't know how to turn that off yet.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I don't think you turn it off.

Well, you know what I mean? Yeah, I can't, logically, be like, No, he just Even if this was real, he just needs a couple of hours to chill. Yeah. We're fine. No, man, you need a couple of months, maybe. I don't know what you need.

Okay, so let's say it was real. The The idea of you asking a question can't happen. Buddy. What would you want to ask or what would you want to say?

What I do. What happened?

Okay.

But I don't think so, because in that scenario, I know what happened. I just bugged you too much.

Oh, you don't know what happened because you didn't ask. But you think you know.

Yeah. If you want to spend less time with me, that means that I'm around too So I need to be not around.

It's quite an assumption.

What else would I assume?

You wouldn't assume anything else. We know that.

What would you assume in that scenario?

I wouldn't assume anything.

You would ask?

Yeah.

What would you say?

I would say, Are you being serious? And if you're like, Yeah. If you're like, Okay, why?

Really? Yeah. I'd be like, I just told you why. You're fucking... It's too much time.

You didn't tell me why. You said, I want us to spend less time together.

Yeah.

Okay. Why?

Which means we're spending too much time together.

I mean, you could look at it that way, but it could also be, I think we're hanging out a lot. I've noticed some distance in my relationship, or it's saturating the podcast. We're not. There's a lot of things.

So it's not always my fault is what you're saying. Now, that's interesting.

No, that's interesting.

Now, that's a take. Okay. All right.

Now, that- A lot of things.

Now, those options don't even cross my mind.

I know.

Now, how do I...

Okay, but let me clear one thing up because I think I'm misquered. I probably would assume that. I probably would assume, but I would ask. I think I would assume. Yeah. Interesting. Yeah. I mean, it's also... That's a pretty vulnerable thing. I think my why would probably sound like, What's your fucking problem? Something like that. It gets me like, Why? That's a little too vulnerable for me at this point. I'll get there, but I would have to pad it with a little humor.

See, yeah, I'm coming to you with hat in hand. You know what I mean? Yeah. I can't be aggressive or anything because you're all Because for me, you're already upset with me. So how dare I be like, what the fuck? Why?

You don't know that I'm upset with you.

But hey, my body knows that you're upset with me. Yeah, it does. And so I go, me, the thought of me even joking and being like, the fuck? You're out of your mind. That's wild. Hat in hand. Please, sir, may I have an answer? If you have time, I don't want to bother Please, sir.

I'll email you. Exactly.

Yes, sir. As you wish.

Damn. All because of mama.

Yeah, because I never got an explanation. I never got anything further explained. It was just emotions. No context. Yeah. And that's why I like context now.

Yeah.

I need it.

You don't. You want it. I You want it.

I want it real bad.

Yeah.

Because without the context, I'm just bad boy. It's my fault. Back to the baseball thing. No, no. I got hit with a baseball.

We're not going back to the baseball thing.

So what do I think? That guy doesn't like me. I did something to that guy. He hit me with a baseball.

Okay, and if that's true, that's also fine. I know. I know, but I don't know. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Damn, your mom fucked you up.

Yeah. So we got to talking about like-Yeah, to be honest, same. Hey, twins. Yeah. We got to talk it about like, then this fear that she instilled in me. It At the core of it, it is for protection. Don't drive in the rain, you'll die. Why? Because she's afraid something's going to happen to her son. Hey, don't do this, don't do it. Because all the roads lead back to protection. I And my therapist hit me with this. He said, Do you think that your mother put a lot of extra fear in you so that it would carry over when she's gone?

Well, she did.

Yeah. And that fucked me up.

Why?

Because that's exactly what happened.

And we know that. Grr. Jesus.

Bear.

It's not.