Transcript of 3 Things To Do If You're Still Not Over Your Ex

Our 20s are often seen as this golden decade, our time to be carefree, make mistakes, and figure out our lives. But what can psychology teach us about this time? I'm Gemma Speg, the host of The Psychology of Your 20s. Each week, we take a deep dive into a unique aspect of our 20s, from career anxiety, mental health, heartbreak, money, and much more to explore the science behind our experiences. The Psychology of Your 20s, hosted by me, Gemma Speg. Listen now on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

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They love the fact that you have other friends, other connections, family members that you open your heart to, and you respect the fact that they have people in their life that they turn to. You don't feel insecure about the fact that they open their heart to someone else but you, and they don't feel upset about the fact that you may share your heart with someone else, because what you truly want is for you and the other person to feel supported, feel cared for, and ultimately, that you both want what's best for each other. The number one health and Wellness podcast. Jay Shetty. Jay Shetty. He I'm the only Jay Shetty. Hey, everyone. Welcome back to On Purpose. Thank you so much for tuning in to another episode with me, your host, Jay Shetty. I am so grateful, so honored, and so happy that you chose to spend the next just under 30 minutes with me for one of our workshops. And today's session is all about what to do if you're still not over your ex. It might have been 10 hours. It might be 10 days. Maybe it's 10 months, or maybe it's even 10 years, and you're still not over your ex.

You keep checking them up on Instagram. You're always asking your friends about what they're up to. Maybe you even go back and look at their Facebook account. Whatever it is, you're still obsessed. You're still connected, and you're not able to truly move on. And when I talk about moving on, there's two types of moving on. One type of moving on is the type of moving on where we say we've moved on. When people ask us, we say, Yeah, of course I've moved on. It's been 10 years. It's been 10 months. Come on, I'm over it. And then there's the moving on where the person becomes such a distant memory that we feel like it was another lifetime. Like they were with a completely different version of us, and that that part of us doesn't even exist anymore. And a lot of us want to get to that second place. That sounds enticing. It sounds exhilarating to think that maybe I could get to a point one day where the person feels like distant memory. But I'm here to tell you this. It's absolutely normal to feel like you're not over your ex. It doesn't make you weak.

It doesn't make you someone who's got it all wrong. It doesn't mean that you don't have a future. It doesn't mean that you'll never get over them, but it's extremely, extremely normal. And there's a lot of people who, after experiencing a breakup, can actually get sick, they can feel depressed, And research shows that that level of pain can actually be justified. It can actually be really difficult to move on from those feelings. And according to neuroethicist Nicole Vincent, the emotions you feel and build on in a relationship are brought about by a range of different neurochemicals. Now, this study blew my mind when I first read about it. So listen to this carefully. Actually, some of the things that you experience when you end a relationship are not dissimilar to the withdrawal from drugs and drug addiction. Take a second to recognize that. Detoxing from drugs and disconnecting from an individual can have some similar experiences. When you're detoxing from drugs, you almost feel this connection to this thing. And when you're disconnecting from a human, you feel It's more like you're actually craving them, right? They can be this craving, this yearning, this seeking, this searching, this wanting.

And that's actually quite normal. Now, this statement is also supported by Professor Paxanos, who says, The suspicion is that some of the same chemicals that are involved in other neural rewards, such as eating, are engaged in, presumably, something like the withdrawal from drugs is happening What's happening when the person loses the loved one. That's what he says. Now, Vincent categorizes relationship emotions into attraction, which brings up chemistry and those types of feelings, and attachment and affection. And attachment and affection, he says, were actually created from an evolutionary perspective to keep couples together so that they would actually stay together until the children were old enough to live by themselves. Fascinating to think about it from an evolutionary standpoint. Our chemicals were designed so that we would stay together so that the kids we have would be adults who could take care of themselves. Now that blows my mind because it just shows us that when you go through a breakup, you're now dealing with this extreme breakdown of chemicals. So now I'm hoping you have compassion for yourself. You have empathy for yourself. You also have compassion and empathy for maybe your friend who just doesn't get over that breakup and you keep looking at them going, Come on, get over it now.

It's been a time. Maybe you even sent this to a friend because you're like, hey, I think it's about time you got over that breakup. Well, this is the reality of how difficult it is. And due to the fact that humans are now living much longer, that attachment and affection actually stops earlier, which is why we experience more breakups. Now, this is really, really important because what Vincent points out is that if someone's addicted to drugs, one of the biggest changes required is their circumstances, their surroundings. Their environment. And I think this is something we often underestimate. We often underestimate how much a change of scenery can change our lives, especially when that scenery is connected to memories, feelings, and emotions. Actually, going away for a vacation, taking a three-day break, taking seven days, and going and living with your friend who just moved to the other side of the city or moved to the other side of the country can be massively beneficial. If you've gone through a breakup and you're finding it hard to shake it off, it's so important to change your surroundings, to change your environment. And so many of us underestimate the power of what that can actually do.

Now, listen to this, because I'm sure all of you have seen this before, that places can trigger bad memories because the brain associates the place with a traumatic event or an unpleasant experience. Now, in the dating sense, it might actually trigger a positive memory, right? Maybe you always used to go to this one restaurant for dinner. Maybe you used to always go to this one theater. Maybe you had your first date on this one street, whatever it may be. Right now, whenever you're on that road, whenever you're in that restaurant, whenever you're going into that store, you're thinking of this person. And that now creates that positive memory creates negative emotions. The negative emotion of, I'll never have that again. Oh, how amazing it used to be. Oh, how wonderful it was. And research shows that the brain stores sensory stimuli from events such as sights, sounds, and smells. And when these sensory triggers are experienced again, the brain can actually reactivate the feelings associated with it. So if there was your favorite pasta or pizza that you used to have together, and now you smell it again, and all of a sudden it reminds you of that same emotion and experience, right?

And we all go through this, but we don't think about changing these simple things. Changing our environment changes our experience. Let me give an example. It's nasty, but I have to be honest with you. I remember once going on a flight, and it was a long flight, maybe it was 10 hours. I think I was going from LA to London or something like that. And I ended up having a Thai green curry on the plane. And I think you already know where this is going. I had the worst food poisoning pretty much immediately after we had the meal, when we just got on the flight. And for the next seven to eight hours, it was not cute. That's all I'm going to say. It was not cute. And I must have visited the restroom 20 times, and I felt terrible for everyone else as well. I apologize if you were on that flight. Now, what happened was, I'm not kidding you, and I was just constantly... I remember shivering, and I was like, I need them to bring me blankets. And they believed me by the end End of the flight, one hour before. I remember Radhi holding the sick bag for me to throw up next to me.

And the reason I'm telling you all of this is literally for the next week, whenever I got on a plane, I felt sick. And till this day, this was probably five years ago. Till this day, I can't eat Thai green curry. That's how the brain messes with environments, right? That's literally how it works. I genuinely never want to be around a Thai green curry. If you invite me over for dinner, no Thai green curry, right? And I like Thai food, so it's got nothing to do with that. But my memory now of that experience, that scent, the look, everything is from that flight. That's what our brain is doing in a really deep way when it comes to a pain or a pleasure that we shared with this person. We have the pleasurable memories, and we then have pain because of the pleasurable memories. So changing our environment is everything. There's a reason That's why we say, block the account on social media. Unfollow, right? Don't go hang out with the same group of friends. Don't go drive past their house. Don't go drive past the where they work. Don't go and hang out at the places you usually go on to, because all of it will trigger some pleasurable memory, which then will create an unpleasant feeling because it reminds you of that which you don't have anymore.

It's as simple as that. Break that pattern. Break your habits, right? It's so important to break that pattern. Break that pattern of where you're traveling, break that pattern of what you're listening to, break that pattern of what you see, hear, smell, taste, everything. It's going to break that mental pattern that you've got lost into. Okay, I am so excited about this because we've got the first ever merch drop for On Purpose. It's finally here. And for World Mental Health Today, we're doing an exclusive limited edition drop with all the proceeds going to the National Alliance on Mental Illness, NAMI. So now you can wear your On Purpose merch, listen to the podcast, and know that you too are having an impact. I want to thank you so much in advance. I can't wait to see all of your pictures wearing the merch. There's sweatshirts, a hat, T-shirts. Check it out on our website, jschettyshop. Com. That's jschettyshop. Com. And remember, 100% of the proceeds go to Nami.

Our 20s are seen as this golden decade, our time to be carefree, fall in love, make mistakes, and decide what we want from our life. But what can psychology really teach us about this decade? I'm Gemma Speg, the host of The Psychology of Your 20s. Each week, we take a deep dive into a unique aspect of our 20s, from career anxiety, mental health, health, heartbreak, money, friendships, and much more to explore the science and the psychology behind our experiences. Incredible guests, fascinating topics, important science, and a bit of my own personal experience. Audrey, I Honestly, I have no idea what's going on with my life. Join me as we explore what our 20s are really all about, from the good, the bad, and the ugly, and listen along as we uncover how everything is psychology. Including our 20s. The psychology of your 20s, hosted by me, Gemma Spegg, now streaming on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. When you find that bright spot to help you get through your day, It's powerful.

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Now, the other thing that we have to do after changing our environment, which, by the way, I'm just really laying into because I don't think we do it enough. I think we say it, we hear it, and then we keep doing the same thing, going to the same places. But after that, we have to identify what we're missing, and we have to identify whether it's a habit or an emotion, right? Now, think about that. Sometimes what we're missing is the fact that every night at 08:00 PM, that's the person we used to call. First thing in the morning, that was the first person we texted. That's a habit. We've built up a habit And now our mind reminds us of that habit in that moment every single time. So when it hits 8:00 PM, we're waiting for that call. We're now feeling all the emotions of not receiving that call, not hearing that person's voice, not hearing them say whatever we used to love hearing them say. And in the morning, when we wake up, we don't have that morning message. That's a habit that we're missing. And what we have to do is we have to replace that habit.

Otherwise, our mind will simply spiral. Our mind will go round and round and round and round again and again and again because that habit is not fulfilled. It's as if if you expected the episode of the podcast to drop and you You're just sitting there pressing refresh. You were waiting for the next episode on Netflix to come out, and for some reason there was a glitch, and you just kept pressing refresh. That's what our mind does. It keeps pressing refresh, and then nothing changes because that person is not magically going to call. And now that habit is a cause for pain. We have to replace that habit. Who are you going to text instead in the morning? Who else are you going to ask and say, Can you please text me in the morning so I have a text to look forward to? Who are you going to call instead at 08:00 PM? We have to find a replacement, a substitute for that habit, because otherwise that habit will turn into a spiral. Now, it may be an emotion that we miss. Maybe it was that you felt cared for. Maybe that person made you feel adventurous.

Maybe that person made you feel confident. It's an emotional exchange that way maybe we've lost. We have to go and find that emotional exchange from ourselves, from someone else in our life, and from an activity, right? Going to create adventurous places, going to try out. The reason why people say things like, Try a new class, go to a pottery class, try a new trainer, go to a new gym, work on yourself. It's really not the work on yourself. It's the fact that you're getting to experience that emotion from somewhere else. You're building your confidence rather than waiting for them to say you're confident. You're building your own confidence and your own your own belief in who you are than letting someone else validate it. Let me do it. You're building your own confidence and belief in yourself, then letting someone else validate it. So identify, are you missing in habit and replace it? Are If you're missing an emotion, substitute it. These are great techniques and tools for you for the long term, even after a breakup. I often ask people to write down a list of what they really want in life. Emotions that you want, adventure, excitement, surprise, whatever it may be.

And ask yourself, who in your life gives you that? And if you keep drawing it to the same person or to no one, go and build a new relationship that gives you that. There are certain friends that I know are amazing for adventure. There are other friends that I know that are great for vulnerability. There are other friends that I know that are great to listen to me and hear me out. There are different friends for different things. And I think so many of us either rely on the same people for everything or we rely on ourselves for everything. You know you're with the right person when they don't rely on you for everything and you don't rely on them for everything. They love the fact that you have other friends, other connections, family members that you open your heart to, and you respect the fact that they have people in their life that they turn to. You don't feel insecure about the fact that they open their heart to someone else but you, and they don't feel upset upset about the fact that you may share your heart with someone else, because what you truly want is for you and the other person to feel supported, feel cared for, and ultimately, that you both want what's best for each other.

I think one of the biggest things that we miss out on is that when you keep ruminating, when you keep spiraling, when you keep going round and round in circles, what you're doing is you're going deeper and deeper into what you don't have. And what you end up doing is taking We have a lot of mental space, a lot of energy that is taken away now from new things and new opportunities. When we use our mental space to think about could have, would have, should have, what if, If this, if that, what we're doing is we're stealing time from a new person. We're stealing space from a new opportunity. We're stealing energy from a new life. Why would you ever Steal from yourself. When we're more obsessed with the past rather than focused on the opportunities of the present, we're stealing from ourselves. We're stealing time, we're stealing energy, We're stealing growth. Don't be a thief in your own life. Don't steal from your own heart. That's what we have to realize we're doing when we're obsessed with an ex. We're stealing from our own life while they're building theirs. We're stealing from our own energy while they're sharing theirs.

We're stealing from our future while they're living their present. Don't let a breakup break your connection with yourself. Focus on what actions you can take to build. You will be less focused on the breakup if you're more focused on building. Does that make sense? We get so obsessed with a breakup that we forget to build. We forget to create. We forget to organize. We forget to develop. That's the opposite of breaking up. The opposite of breaking is building. What are you building? Are you building your career? Are you building yourself? Are you putting the energy into building something? We're trying to manage the breakup, but what ends up happening if you're trying to manage the breakup is you just fall deeper into the breakup. The breakup is something that has to, to some degree, naturally over time, be replaced by what you're building. It gets healed by building. If you just stay focused on the breakup for a long period of time, you actually take energy away from building. Now, if you're still not over your ex, I want you to know that you're not weak, you're not behind, and you have to remember that everyone who is today in a happy relationship once felt that they wouldn't get over their ex.

It's such a natural feeling. It's such a natural emotion. It's so real and true. And everyone that you see today that has the life that you may want one day, at one point in their life felt that way about someone they went out with. And sometimes the reason why it's so hard is we feel we missed out on someone who is perfect for us. We missed out on someone who we feel had everything we ever wanted. But here's the thing. They didn't have the one most important thing that you want, and that is they didn't want what you wanted. You can want someone all you want. Someone can have everything you want. Someone can be everything you want. But if they don't want what you want with them, they're not for you. They're not yours. If they don't want you, it doesn't matter how much they have everything that you want. And I promise you that that's the key part of a relationship, when someone truly wants to be with you, when someone truly wants to care for you. It doesn't matter how many amazing skills, abilities, qualities someone has. If they don't deeply want you, it will never have worked.

It will never It will never have flourished. It will never have thrived. I want to thank you so much for listening to today. I hope you'll share this with a friend who's really struggling. I know that this can be really heartbreaking and painful, and I hope you'll pass this along. I also hope you'll leave a review because so many of you have left so many beautiful ones. This was one recently that said, This is an amazing podcast with great information to help with any mental health challenges you're facing. Thank you so much for sharing that. This one said, This podcast emphasizes just being there, and alongside them is the most important thing you can do to build resilient humans. What wonderful insight. Thanks so much. This one's really beautiful, too, as well. I I've been watching this show for years, and it has helped me so much throughout those years and continues to do so. I look forward to watching and listening every single week. Thank you so much for these incredible, incredible reviews. Reviews, please go ahead and leave reviews if you have a chance to as well. It makes a huge difference to podcast.

Thank you again for listening. I'm so grateful to you. And remember, I'm forever in your corner and always rooting for you. Thank you. If you love this episode, you'll love my interview with Dr. Gabor Mathe on understanding your trauma and how to heal emotional wounds to start moving on from the past. Everything in nature grows only where it's vulnerable. So a tree doesn't grow where it's hard and thick, does it? It goes where it's soft and green and vulnerable.

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