Transcript of May Bonus Episode: Breaking Dawn (Part 1)

Hey weirdos, I'm Ash!

And I'm Alayna!

And this is a bonus episode of Morbid.

It's bonus! It's bonus! It's on top of the other two this week.

It's on top of everything, biatch! You guys, oh my god. Breaking Dawn Part 1 is the worst movie I've ever seen in my entire life. The book is also—

Wildly rough.

Oh my God. Wildly rough. I remember reading this book. I was probably like 13 maybe when this one came out, maybe 12. And I was like, this is the sexiest thing I've ever read in my life. And now I'm like, ugh! What the fuck?

It's a trip.

It's a journey. Being almost 30 years old and looking back, I'm like, why the fuck? Who let me read this?

That's the— And I got my Post-its back out in the book.

I love watching Elena prepare for these episodes because that bitch whips out a pack of Post-its and she just goes to town.

Yeah, because you gotta— we gotta do book and movie and illustrated guide. Yeah.

And website. The web.

Got some off the website.

I got a lot from the website. I was surfing through that website and there's just so many things I have to say.

Stephenie Meyer is a trip. Stephanie Meyer, you are a trip. Like, you just really are.

I just need to say this because it's ticking me off. At one point she writes like somebody else is writing for Stephanie.

In, in, on the, on the, um, website, like her fan site or whatever you want to call it.

And then she writes like she's writing it, but it's within the same couple of paragraphs.

It's confusing.

So I said, who the fuck is writing this if not you, Steph?

Yeah, yeah, it's a big— it's a, it's wild. Yeah, it's a wild ride all the way through.

I feel like I, now I can't remember Breaking Dawn Part 2, at least like the movie. Cause I, when we were watching this, I was like, oh wow, I don't remember like any of this. I specifically didn't remember that Edward delivers the baby via his teeth.

Yeah. Which is hard to forget. It's wild.

I think that was actually a trauma response.

Yeah, for sure it was.

I think that was in a box somewhere in the deep back part of my brain.

Yeah, your brain really protected you there.

But now I'm like, oh God, what are, what's going to happen when we do Part 2?

Part 2 just has a lot of funny lines in it and like deliveries. Okay. And then there's like a pretty cool fight scene, I'm pretty sure, if I remember correctly.

There is a cool fight scene. And I remember— I don't know why we're getting like into Part 2 right now, but I do remember that Bella has that like force field thing she can do.

Oh yeah, I forgot about that. I actually completely forgot about that. That was—

I remembered that out of there.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

But this part right now.

Well, before we get into that, We wanted to announce our next Morbid Book Club.

Period.

Pick. It's going to be Victorian Psycho by Virginia Feito.

I'm very excited.

We're very excited about it.

We have a special guest joining us.

We have a special guest joining for it. It's going to be fun.

It's going to be great. It's an author. An author, you say?

It's a horror author.

Horror.

And we're very excited about them coming. Yeah. And we're excited to talk to you about it. It's a book that's on the shorter side, so it It should be pretty, pretty easy to get through.

Yeah. I think even if you're like, like an audio listener, I think the audiobook's like 4 hours for sure. So, so check it out.

And it's supposed to be great. I'm excited to read it. Yeah.

That'll be what, the end of June that comes out?

Yeah.

Mikey, does that come out at the end of June?

Oh yeah. It'll be the end of June. That'll be the end of June. Leave that in. It's kind of funny. So Mikey! Mikey! You know what?

I should just start yelling at it. Mike Jones! Do you remember that? The Ying Yang Twins?

Yes, you absolutely should. So yeah, that's the business that we have. Also, since we're talking about books, if you want to preorder a book, you should preorder the Butcher Legacy. Kat and Mouse. Because it's there. Yeah. And you should order it. Yeah, it's really good. I read the prolog of it the other day after not reading it for a while. And I said, that's not that bad.

She said, wow, I don't even think I suck at this. And I was like, I'd actually venture that you're pretty good at this.

So I'm telling you.

I said that to Drew and he goes, "Does she realize she's been on the New York bestsellers list twice?" And he was like, "And like at the very beginning of her career." It's a thing that will never leave.

He was like, "That's of pretty high esteem." I'll constantly be like, "Oh yeah, I think I'm getting better at this." You are. You know? You are. Always improving.

And I think you have a natural talent to start with.

Thank you. I appreciate that. So yeah, go get that if you want to.

You can get it anywhere.

So what do you go get? So my UK babes, Some specials coming for you too, so stay tuned.

Ooh, is that the thing you showed me the other day?

Yesterday? Yeah.

Nice.

Yeah.

That's only for UK? Yeah. That's so cool. I know. I'm going to get one too, though.

Hell yeah.

Oh, can I have one? Yeah.

Cool. You guys will find out. Eh.

Eh. Oh, I didn't even mean to make that so spoilery or exciting, but that's a cool thing.

See? OK. So yeah. So that's all the business. And now it's time for Breaking Dawn Part 1 because—

It's time.

This one— is wild, y'all.

I forgot how true— I think I— we saw this together in the movie theater.

We did.

Yeah, I think we might have been with my mother, maybe.

I mean, you mean Renee? Yes.

No, watching this movie, I said, that would have been my mother if she was invited to my wedding. She went, good night. That would absolutely be— we will be getting into it— with the disheveled hair and all.

She looked wild.

She was good. She said, "Everybody at this wedding getting tipsy." She did. She did. I like Charlie's speech the best.

I love Charlie to an unhealthy degree.

I love when he walks in and he goes, "Yeah, I know I look hot." And I was like, "You do." I said, "You really do, Charlie." You're looking good, bud. You really do. All right, let's start. Where are we starting?

So we gotta start with one thing that makes me fucking so annoyed. Oh, God. So, and it's the overarching theme of this whole thing. Okay. So obviously in a lot of these things we find that Stephenie Meyer goes against her own lore that she created because the illustrated guide will say something, the book will say something, the movie will say another, they all collide into just like a fucking crazy thing. Now in the illustrated guide she says— Stephenie Meyer says that she understands that people won't accept or get the whole vampires and humans having babies, like that, that would be like, wait, what? Like, well, yeah, because you've never brought it up before.

Yeah.

Like, immortal children have been brought up, but that's like a different thing.

That's like when they were creating vampire children.

Baby, and I have like kids. Yeah.

Which is so fucked.

What kills me is she says, but to her, her, and I quote, scientific reasoning is enough for her. Huh.

Was she doing experiments?

Scientific reasoning?

Did she do the scientific method on this?

Nothing about this. And here's, here's again where it doesn't make— so you say, whoa, okay, so you're science, we're science here. That's— now science, in case everybody's wondering, is based in reality.

Yes, right?

We're firmly in reality right now because by her own words, here we are, two feet in reality. Okay, so she says she went against her own previously set up lore, obviously, because like, you know That happens. And instead of saying, like, you know, because I would respect this if she said, I wanted this plot point, you know, I felt like it was going to be a good direction, it felt important to me, it goes against the lore, but like, I just went there because it was really important to go here. Yeah, she's like making it canon. Yeah, I can at least respect that, that you're saying, you know what, I'm going against my own lore, but it's important and I think it's gonna be worth it. Yeah. But instead she says first that her scientific reasoning is enough for her for this to work, and then she says Guys, it's fantasy. Vampires are real. What? You're— oh boy, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

She really said fuck y'all.

So you just told me with 10 toes down in the realm of reality that it's based on scientific reasoning, and then in the next breath you say to me, oh, you believe in vampires? That's so cute, idiot. That's so cute, you fucking freak.

Like, it's just like, what?

What? And she's like, no, this— I can make it up as I go along because it's fantasy. And it's like, no, I know that you make the world and that like you can make it whatever you want.

But then you have to follow your own rules.

But the problem is you made lore. And not only did you make lore, you made an illustrated guide that you didn't need to make.

I think she might forget that she made that.

You made this illustrated guide that no one made you do.

Because there's also another big thing that happens with Jacob.

There's a few. There's— yeah, there's some glaring issues.

That one is glaring to me.

Yeah. Like it's— and it's such an easy out to say It's fantasy. Yeah, vampires aren't real.

But it's like, but you made this.

And it's like, but also, but you're taking it so seriously, right? And it's like, and it's okay if you take it seriously because it's your world you created, right? But in the same breath, you're telling me that's fucking weird that you believe this, but believe this please and care about it. It's like, no, you can't have it both ways. No.

Also, I do feel like it's kind of misogynistic that vampire guys— it's like how like men can fuck until they're 70 and like be a dad. It's not nice that she was like, vampires Guys can impregnate human women, but vampire women, empty.

Oh, I'm stuck. I'm gonna get so into that because what bothers me about— just like, to go back to this one thing— is like, I love fantasy. Yeah, fantasy is fun. Yeah, I will fully envelop myself in a fantastical world and I will believe it for the moment that I'm reading it. And it's like, but you— and, and she, as somebody who's writing fantasy, like, if I was writing a fan— I love fantasy so much that I wish I could write a fantasy novel. It It seems like a lot of work because you have to have a lot of stuff. And I'm like averse to work, but I'm just saying like, we know creating a whole lore and like magical system is like daunting, I imagine.

Well, and it's very impressed, obviously tough because as it, as it builds and builds and builds, you have to remember all of the rules.

Exactly. It feels hard. Like maybe I'll try it someday because it does seem fun. And now that I said that I don't think I could do it, now I feel like I have to do it.

She has to prove it to herself.

You know why?

Because she's a Virgo rising.

But I have no idea.

That's not even Capricorn coded.

That's Virgo coded.

There you go.

But if you are writing something like that, I imagine that you take it very seriously and you take the world seriously. And to you, it's in that moment very real, and you want readers to feel like it's very real while they read it. So then to kind of cop out of fucking up against your own lore with, "You think this is real, guys?" Yeah, it's insulting.

It's hard to be real.

Like, "You silly gooses." Like, "What are you doing?" I'm like, "No, you can't do that." You can't make readers feel stupid for being enveloped in this world when you've given me every reason to be enveloped in this world. Like, that's not cool. No. Like, you can't just be like, it's fucking fake. No, we know that. Like, you don't bring me back to reality. That's not what we're supposed to be rooted in this world. And again, if you just said, yeah, you know what, the story just had to go this way, I felt very passionately about it going this way, I'd be like, okay girl, like, that's— I can respect that. Yeah. But to, to use the, you guys are silly for believing, like, don't worry so much, is like Okay, like, you don't blame your readers, Stephanie. Yeah, don't blame your readers for giving a shit about your story and remembering your lore. Yeah, huh? Like, fuck.

She also said that this was inspired by The Merchant of Venice and A Midsummer Night's Dream, which are both in the movie, by the way. I just want to state that. Yeah, that's all. I'm just gonna leave that there.

Like, damn. What? Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. I don't really know.

I'm not sure about that.

I'm not really sure.

Anyways.

And also, why? Because we're like 4 movies in at this point. Mm-hmm. Why do the Cullens' wigs change so much?

The wigs. Where's the wig police when you need them? Tom Lenk.

Where's Tom Lenk with the wig police?

Tom Lenk would say, what the fuck is going on here?

He would. Because also, what bothers me is I'm like, so many questions here. One, Why are their— Why is their hair changing?

It's not supposed to change.

When it's very much drilled in our heads that they are frozen. Yep. Frozen.

Rosalie's hair in particular goes through such a character arc.

Yeah, it really does.

Like her hair has a character arc.

So does Carlisle's.

Carlisle's hair.

What happened?

Because he looks so beautiful in like the first two. And then I don't really feel like you see him that much in three.

Carlisle in the first couple. Is sculpted out of stone. I mean, he's beautiful.

He's gorge.

And I'm not saying he's ugly in the later ones, but no, no, his hair—

here's the thing, his hair looks ugly.

It does.

And I'm willing to say that because it's not his hair.

It's not good.

It's like, like, what did you say? It's like straw yellow. Straw yellow.

And it's like parted over to the side but not like quaffed at all.

It's just like mushroom hanging in his face. It's giving mushroom.

It just doesn't make any sense. And then Jasper's hair Who fucking knows what's going on with that?

Jasper's hair is crazy. I saw a couple TikToks of him hosting like Twilight discussion things, and he's really funny. Yeah, like the, the actor who plays Jasper, uh, he's played by Jackson Rathbone.

Yeah, see, no, uh, I was like, wait, I figured it out. No, that's just the character.

That was hilarious. I was like, I was very impressed.

I, I should have just gone with it. Um, but yeah, one of the, like, going back to what you were saying, like, one of the things, because I'm like, they're all supposed to be frozen, because also Where are the wigs from season, from movie to movie? Okay. That's what I was asking. Like, that's like, where'd you put them?

Even Mikey has a wig drawer. Yeah, that's the thing. We own a production company and Mikey has the same wigs in that drawer 24/7.

Rosalie's wig. Who has it from the first movie? Where'd it go?

I don't know.

Where is it?

Mikey is opening his wig drawer.

Yeah. And putting on.

That wig looked so scary. That's, that's the Sherry Moon Zombie wig. From when I was Cher Moon.

From when I was Cher Moon.

Oh my God.

There you go.

Slay, mama.

Honestly, that looks like one of the Cullens' wigs.

That is Rosalie's wig.

But I really want to know, if you're out there and you have those wigs, where did you put them?

Where are they?

Where are they? Because they change every movie.

No, it's true.

Like, there's no chain of custody for these wigs?

There's no chain of custody for anything. Because also, Alice's hair in the first movie movie is like super, super— like, not super long, but it's like longer. Yeah, it's like a fuck-ass bob, and then it gets cut, and then it's like long again, and then it's cut. And I'm like, but their hair is not supposed to grow.

That's the thing. And I'm like, when you cut it into a pixie, you're committing to that because that's your hair.

I love Alice's hair at the wedding too, the way she like sculpts it. She did the middle. It's very like '20s.

Yeah, I really did love that.

But Alice in this movie pisses me off.

She's a creep.

She's a creep.

Alice does kind of piss me off. Alice is a creep because she Everything is her way, or the highway. The whole wedding, she plans the whole thing, which I realize, like, the whole thing is supposed to be like, well, Bella doesn't want to and she doesn't like this stuff.

And I'm like, but then why is she getting married and having a huge wedding?

Well, and honestly, I don't even think she's ever given a chance to.

No, it's true. She doesn't even get a chance to say because, as I've said many times before, she is baby girl.

She is just so baby girl.

So I got a bone to pick with Bella. She's a selfish motherfucker.

She is. Honestly, the poor Cullen family.

Yeah, the poor Cullen family. Truly, they're lives have been in danger the entire time she's been around. Yeah, they had to up— all of them had to up and move because Edward was like, can't do it.

Yeah, sorry.

And then they were like, nah, come back, we're in love. But oh, she's going to have this baby and maybe die. Yeah, but we're going to have to try to like keep her alive.

And also, not only is she going to have this baby and maybe die, it's also going to void the treaty we've had for a zillion years with the werewolves. Now they're going to try to kill us.

Oh, and it's gonna piss off the Volturi.

It's gonna piss off the Volturi. And now we're gonna have to deal with all those. Oh, and also all the other covens are gonna have to get involved and all their lives are gonna have to be upended by this and they're gonna have to fight the Volturi too.

And she doesn't care.

And this is all because Bella just had to fuck as a human.

Say it.

She just had to fuck as a human. I have to have that one human experience. It's gonna cause a lot of problems.

Also, can I just say something? So you know what? Do it.

After you're both gonna be ungodly beautiful after that too. That's the thing, brother, why not?

And also, I bet vampires— I just watched Tara and Franklin fuck on True Blood, and that looked— I mean, she's not a vampire yet, but that looked incredible.

Of course.

I think if you were a vampire as well, oh my God. Yeah, like, oh my God.

Holy shit.

It would be amazing.

Sparks will fly. I know you wanted that human experience, but babe, you kind of gave that up when you decided to marry a vampire.

And also, Edward didn't really want it. She like guilted him into humanizing her. He's talking hard. That's weird.

And if you just waited until after you were a vampire, you wouldn't have gotten pregnant with a half vampire baby.

Who tried to kill you.

Who tried to kill you. And it wouldn't have voided all the treaties and pissed off all the Volturi. Crazy girl. I feel like this was a problem for everyone.

It's literally—

And it's very selfish.

This is Bella's world and we're all just living in it. Truly. And may I venture to say this? I think Stephenie Meyer hates Bella. I think Stephenie Meyer hates Bella.

See, I think Stephenie Meyer thinks Bella is like, right.

But I think she hates her. Do—

why?

I just think she hates her because she puts her in all these crazy-ass situations. And also, I think Stephenie Meyer really loves Edward. So like, Edward is always getting upset with Bella.

That's true.

But like, it like can't stay away from her all at the same time.

See, but I think she kind of sees a little bit of herself in Bella.

Maybe. Well, yeah. No, I think she does because she's kind of like said that before. So I think these crazy situations that we're like, what the fuck are you doing?

She's like, no, that's great. Like, I think this is that.

Like, maybe I just hate Bella. Yeah, I think maybe, maybe, maybe I'm just like, maybe that's what's going on. Maybe I'm just a hater.

Maybe that's it. And to go back really quick just to what you were saying earlier with the how completely sexist and misogynistic this whole thing is when you really dive into this. She— there's some serious internalized misogyny, 100%, that just never should have been spat onto the page, in my opinion. In her words, her website, in Breaking Dawn Part 1, she says that vampire men can have babies. Uh-huh.

They can because they have— they got them. They have a fluid similar to seminal fluid.

Oh yeah, their shit works pretty much the same way, which is wild.

Really fucked up.

And if the venom slash sperm comes in contact with an ovum, they can conceive. But that And you say, oh wow, okay, so vampires can conceive. Oh no, no, no, because yes, the male vampire shit works right the same, but women, they can't. Because when they turn into vampires, they are frozen.

That's so fucked up.

And their system stops working like a woman's body should work, is literally what is said. Is that's like essentially what's being said here. Women's bodies, in her words in the book, quote, don't have, like vampire women, quote, don't have what is needed to accommodate a growing child. So you're telling me men are still pew pew pew, can shoot sperm everywhere, every which way.

Sperm-like. It's not even sperm, it's sperm-like, and it still creates life. It still works. It still creates life. That pisses me off even more. It's not even sperm.

It's venomous sperm and it still creates life. Yeah. But we, when we get turned into vampires, everything just freezes in place. Done. And we become frigid, barren, just we can't accept a baby. And it's like, what the fuck is that?

Yep.

That's fucked.

It is fucked.

That is so fucked.

It is fucked.

And I also have a problem, like, just coming off of that with— because obviously Rosalie is a great example of this when she explains that all she ever wanted was a baby and all she ever— and that's why why she's also pissed at Bella for wanting to become a vampire, because she's like, hey bitch, you're not going to be able to do that.

And that's also why she's pissed that Bella did become a vampire, because she was really hoping she would die and that she could keep that baby.

Exactly. She made Rosalie frigid, the stereotype of an infertile woman. And this is coming from somebody who went through infertility, so I can speak on it. Oh, as a previously infertile woman, I fucking hate when they are portrayed as frigid, mean, like Type A.

You're saying like over-controlling?

Jennifer Garner, like Jennifer Garner and Juno. Like, her husband's such a cool guy. I'm like, oh my God, he's so cool. He's a fucking predator, by the way, but what a cool guy. And then she's portrayed as this very frigid uptight, like, well, I can't have a baby, and it's like, nope, nope.

Why are we portraying that?

Like, why are we— and it goes right into this. She's fucking mean for no reason to Bella. She's nasty. She's like a frigid bitch.

Yep.

And she just comes off as being like, well, I can't have a baby, so I'm mad at everybody. And it's like, that's literally not reality. No. And then it like goes further with this movie and this book because now all of a sudden she has a change of heart to Bella because now Bella has become a fucking vessel to her. She doesn't give a shit about Bella.

She doesn't.

She cares— all she cares about is, cool, that baby's gonna kill you and claw its way out of you, and then I get to have my baby. Yep. That's also not reality of like an infertile— like somebody going through infertility is like, oh, I'll just look at everybody else like a vessel and I can just watch them die and steal their baby. Like, that's What a weird way to portray her.

It's crazy.

And I feel like it fucks up her character because she also has a cool— like, she has a backstory that's really, like, traumatic and crazy. And, like, she's—

she gets, like, badass. She gets, like, stifled down to just that.

She gets, like, shoved into this box as just being, like, baby-obsessed lady who can't have a baby of her own.

And it's like, that's it.

That's icky because you've made her— like, she's a strong character, and it's like— and she really dumbed her down. She's such a badass.

Her backstory, like you were just saying, like in Eclipse. It's so cool. And I think we said it when we went over Eclipse, they didn't even go that far enough into it.

No, I wish they had. Yeah. But going back to the beginning of the movie, because we'll like try to hit some of the stuff in the beginning. One of the things that I noticed in the movie is in Bella's room when she's like packing up her shit. Why is there just a painting of a dog next to her bed?

I wondered that too.

And it's not like a wolf dog.

I wondered that too. It's like a floofy dog. Yeah, it's like a bichon. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. Just like a sheepdog. I don't think it was there before either.

I don't know if it was there. Maybe it was and I just didn't notice it until the room was empty. But I'm like, why?

Maybe she has like a desire to become one of those ladies that like shows those dogs.

That's—

I'm like, you didn't give me any—

like you never mentioned that she had a dog. Yeah. But there's just this very distracting big painting of a fluffy dog.

See, I was too upset about the fact that she literally gets into bed wearing jeans and a belt.

Oh, I literally have that in all caps right here. Why does she get into bed with jeans on?

And also Edward is going to break her house and at least she acknowledges that, but it's always like, "Oh no, nobody knows that Edward is here." I'm like, Charlie is a cop. Charlie is the sheriff. He knows that Edward has attached himself to the house.

Yeah. Hello? When he jumps on, it's like, clang. It's like every time.

And then Emmett and Jasper are like, woo!

Boom!

He's like, Charlie knows that you have people over.

Like, Charlie's a smart guy. Yeah, Charlie's smart, he's handsome, he's capable, and he knows he's hot. And he knows he says, yeah, I know I'm hot. But yeah, you're right, he knows every single time.

Come on, what are you doing going to sleep in jeans, you freak? Oh God, at least take your belt off.

Just what are you doing? What are you doing? And then Renee, the mom, getting the wedding invitation. Oh my God, like, Charlie reacted appropriately of having like a somber moment to himself being like, like, fuck, I really fucked up here. Yeah, Renee is literally like— she's standing in her green screen beach.

That green screen beach was dia motherfucking molecule.

And Phil, who we don't see, and she's just like, girl, it's happening! Oh my God, so happy that her 18-year-old daughter is getting married after dating this guy for, oh, 4.5 seconds. I don't need— how long have they been together?

They haven't been together that long because she transfers I don't, I think they're like, I mean, they go to prom. So I think she had to have been like a junior when they first got together. So 2 years.

I don't even know if it's 2. I'm looking it up because I don't even know if it's 2 years. I don't know.

Well, also it can't be because she transferred in the middle of the school year.

Yeah.

14 months.

14 months.

14 months.

Jesus.

They met in mid-January of 2005 and officially started dating in March of 2005. He left her in September. They were separated for 7 months and then they reunited in March 2006 and got married on August 13th, 2006.

Oh, so it's not even— it's like 7 months that they've actually been together.

Some people count the break, some people don't.

If it's 14 months. Yeah. And you weren't together for 7 of those. For 7 of them. That's half of that time.

That is half of that time.

We are going to count that one as a break.

7 months. I didn't realize it was that long.

So technically they have only physically been together for 7 months.

Let that sink in.

Everybody let that— and then I want you to picture Renee on her green screen beach, saying there, "It's happening!" And it's like, you're a bad mom. You're a bad mom, Renee. I mean, Renee, you hear me? You're a bad mom.

Based on the illustrated guide alone, she's a terrible mother.

She's terrible.

She let Bella take over the bills when Bella was like, 12.

Like, she's just doing the books. Lit— no, she—

I think it literally says Bella started doing the books because Renee couldn't. Yeah, like, hello, that's gnarly. It's so funny because she's so parentified. That's why she's so baby girl, because in the book she was so— she was a parentified child, and then she met Edward and she said, fuck that.

She said, he's a thousand, I get to be the kid.

Let's go. I don't know how to do this.

Yeah, like, damn.

Yeah. Then we go to the wedding, which— oh my God, I love her dress.

I will say the back of her dress is stunning.

One thing I do have to say though, in the beginning she's practicing walking in like gigantic heels.

Yeah.

Her dress covers them. She could have wore fucking fuzzy slippers if she wanted to. I'm like, what?

You can't see the heels. Yeah.

But also as she walks down the aisle, I said, babe, people are taking pictures of you if we're considering this a real wedding.

She looks—

She looks like a deer in headlights.

So horrified to be marrying this man. And I love it because when they go out, like she's like, just don't let me fall. And I love when Charlie says like, never, or whatever he says. It's really sweet.

I just love Charlie. Cute kid and dad moment.

This is just going to be me loving Charlie, period. Uh, it's the only good thing about this. But in that moment, I was like, if I was Charlie, I'd be like— I'd be like— I'd gesture broadly and be like, I've already let you fall.

I already did, babe.

You know what?

That ship is sailed, babe.

So here we are.

He got involved in our life too late.

I think he sure did.

Like, like, more involved too late.

And there's a part where, like, when she's trying on the shoes too with Alice. Oh, when she walks away in the movie, she does this one little skip and then like hops off. And Deb was the one who noticed it. And I had never noticed it before. And I was like, "Why does she do that?" Why did she do that? Just like, doop. Just a skip. And then she's just off. I don't know. It's very strange. And then we do get like, when she's packing up her shit, we get Edward doing a flashback to like why he's still trying to convince her not to become a vampire.

Oh, before the wedding. Yep, yep, yep.

Because Edward still wants her to die of old age so he can go get it with someone else, apparently. I'm sorry. That's like the most unromantic thing to me. Is a vampire not wanting to change the person he's in love with.

It's a really annoying trope too, because it happens in like every vampire movie or TV show.

And it's like, it's very unromantic to me.

It is.

If you really loved me, you would not want to live without me and you wouldn't want me to die someday.

And if you think I'm so beautiful, why not freeze me in this gorgeous state? Yeah.

Hello? You just shouldn't ever want to be without me. No. So why? You're just going to wait me out?

Also, how about my own autonomy? I'd like you to change me. Do it.

So I think it's dumb, but he's in there being like, like, let me tell you about when I turned into it. I'd be like, I literally don't care.

He also tells her his whole backstory, like he's a monster. I said, first of all, you were hella hot back then.

Makes him even better.

First of all, sick haircut, I love it.

Edward in the '20s/'30s, A+.

A+.

A+.

Honestly, men's looks in the '20s, A+. Personality is probably not great.

Yeah.

Uh, but he tells her all about his backstory and how like he basically murdered monsters.

Like, he was a—

he was going very Dexter. Exactly. And he says that, like, that who you want to be with? I'd be like, yeah, yes, yeah, like, that would make me want to marry him more.

Yeah.

She also— he's like, what, what does he say? He says like, what do you want to see when you look in the mirror, Bella? And she's like, you.

And I'm like, what, what, what?

I said, this romance is more fucked up than I thought. That's weird.

You're not becoming one.

She actually said, I want to wear your skin in a weird way.

I'd like to wear your face. So, um, but yeah, that was weird. But I liked the flashback because he looked really good in that.

He saves the lady.

He does.

A lady in a great outfit.

It's true, because it was like the '20s, '30s.

Yep.

Um, and at the reception we meet like those blonde vampires from Alaska, I think it is.

Yeah, I remember they played a much bigger part in the book. Yeah, because people tried to like set Edward up with Irina, right?

Well, and Irina apparently was like with Laurent.

Yeah.

Yeah, like, and then obviously the wolves ripped him apart because he was gonna kill Bella. Yeah, you know, it happens.

But she doesn't believe that.

And at first, here's the thing, at first when I saw this scene, I was like, I'd be pissed. I'd be like, get the fuck out of my wedding. Because she's like, I don't believe that. Like, and she has the way this, this actress plays it. Yeah, I know there's not a lot to work with here, but like, you got to do what you got to do. It's like very dramatic. But like, the face she's making makes me laugh every time because she's so intense. It's like when Kim K cries.

Yeah.

It's pretty gnarly. And she's like, and you know, they're like, you know, Laurent was gonna kill Bella. Like, there was really nothing. And she's like, I don't believe that. I'd be like, and then get the fuck out of my wedding. Like, why are you here?

Support me.

But then I'm like, well, Breaking Dawn Part 2 is actually gonna bring like a pretty big headache. Yeah. To all of these covens because Bella just had to fuck as a human. It also kind of like, kind of on Arena side here. Like, because she's even like, she's bringing a lot of problems. Well, that's the thing.

All the vampires are looking around like, you're really gonna like throw it all away for this bitch?

And it's also like, just turn her.

Yeah, just fucking go.

Turn her, baby. Ask the Volturi. The Volturi wants you to do it. She's got the fucking shield. Like, do it. Yeah, the fuck. This could all be fixed. It could be. But then Jessica's speech.

Jessica's speech. I'm still thinking about it.

I will— that I will cringe until the end of the earth. Or the hair, as I him, or the hair, as everybody calls him.

I was like, did she say, as I call him? Just, just Jessica. That's her pet name for Bella's husband. And when they like flashed Edward, his wedding hair is shit. It's awful.

Complete shit. I'd actually be so angry at John if during our wedding he had the worst hair of his life. It's very floppy, like, well, and he did nothing with it.

No, no gel, nothing. No slicks, nothing happening. No, he might not have even washed it.

I don't think he did.

That might have been on Robert Pattinson though, because he did admit that he went 6 months without washing his hair once. He also has admitted in interviews that he had a strange body odor that smelled similar to crayon wax, which I don't know if I know what that smells like.

But then wasn't it like wet crayons?

I think I might have been wrong about that. Okay, just crayon wax.

Um, they were dry.

But then Kristen Stewart said, I think he's overplaying that. Like, no, he smells— he smells fine. He smells really animalistic. He's got like an animalistic and I said, my dog pretty much never smells good. So I'm not sure what— if that's like a defense or not.

I don't know if I've ever thought of John having an animalistic musk.

But it is rumored that people on set, like the crew, was like, why are you so stanky, Rob?

Why are you so stanky? I love that he's just like, I don't care.

Maybe it was because him and Kristen were in that like, like early 2000s indie grunge era.

It was like a little grungy. Yeah.

So maybe he really hadn't done it.

Maybe that was it, because it didn't seem like it. And just her being like, um, and like, could have been me, didn't notice me. I was like, who does that at a wedding? Like, that's not— I know, once again, as Stephenie Meyer would say, it's fantasy, you believe that. I'm like, but this is supposed to be the real part of it.

I know, they actually did get married.

Like, I'm like, you— nobody would do that.

No.

Like, no, you can make her have a weird speech without being— that was just so off the rails to me.

I was like, speeches all the time, but to be like, would say that she wasn't even president of the Glee Club.

Yeah.

The school council.

Yeah, like, like, basically, like, you could have had me. Yeah, like, no one's doing that. I don't know, I was like, damn. And then Renee's singing with her batshit crazy hair.

Go to sleep and wake up.

And Bella loves it.

She's like, that's my mom.

She's just sitting there like, that's my mom. And I'm like, damn, that's—

you know why she likes it? Because she only sees Renee a few times a year. Yeah, she's like, wow, there's another story to tuck in my back pocket.

So see you in 6 years, Mom.

Glad I don't have to do your books anymore, you crazy bitch.

Crazy bitch, go back to your fucking green screen beach. Jacksonville, maybe.

Yeah, it is.

Uh, but yeah, that was, that was gnarly.

Oh my God. And then, uh, uh, what's the name? Edward is like, I have another gift for you, it's here.

Yeah.

And you're like, oh my God, yay, like gift. Edward gives Bella Jacob as a wedding gift, and that just feels weird to me. That just feels weird to me. He even lets him have a moment alone.

Oh, a very inappropriate moment alone, as far as I'm concerned. Period.

They are canoodling. In the moss, as you said.

Too much canoodling.

What did you say when we were watching?

I said, why are you dancing with another man in the moss at your wedding? And I stand by that question.

She like leaves the wedding. Yeah.

She stands in the moss. In the forest.

As he like lifts her and twirls her.

Oh yeah. And she like has her head on his shoulder. They're canoodling. They are canoodling in the woods.

Birds on her very wedding day.

It's like the way— the fact that Edward's just like— and he's so happy. He's like, I know you love this man. I know you love this werewolf so much.

He's kind of a cuck.

God, he is a little bit, you know. Do you want a chair to sit down in?

Like, would you like to sit them up?

Can I get you anything?

An ottoman for the fellow? Yeah, truly. Would you like to put your feet up?

The fuck is going on here?

The wedding party's like, hello?

They're like, what's going on?

Like, this wedding's getting weird, we're gonna leave.

Like, in the last few movies and books, Jacob has been so disrespectful of their relationship. Bella has been so disrespectful of their relationship. He has outwardly admitted that he would kill Edward if he could just to snake his gal. Yep. He says— and he's like, you're not good enough for her, I'm obsessed with her, I want to fuck her, I want to marry her, we're supposed to be together. Like, he said this several times. I'm hotter than you, he said. And now you're just presenting him as a gift at your wedding?

It's really weird.

On what planet, Stephanie?

Cuck planet.

Like, on what? And in the book, Jacob is so fucking unlikable.

Did he say in the book that he proposes being a throuple?

At one point he does. I don't know if it's in the first part, or like, doesn't propose it. It's implied. Okay. I think Edward is the one that kind of Implies it.

Did we just unlock a theme in this book?

I'm not positive. I need to look it up now. Which one? Oh, it's— Yeah, it was at the end of Eclipse. He tells her he's willing to accept whatever relationship she feels she needs to have with Jacob. Oh, so he's kind of being like, "We can be open for Jacob." Like that if you feel like you want to be with him as well, as like, I will understand. Which is essentially him suggesting or not suggesting, but being open to the idea of like, whatever you want.

Yeah. Like an arrangement.

Yeah.

Okay.

Those happen. Which I don't think he wants that, which is even sadder. He's just like, I just love you so much that I'll accept it.

I'll give you what you want.

Eventually. And it's like, Bella, gosh. Wow. But yeah, it's, and in the book, Jacob, especially Breaking Dawn, he's so unlikable. His chapters are borderline unreadable for me.

They're also insanely named.

They are. And I have a couple of them. But in the book, in this part is when like they start talking about the honeymoon and he's like, you know, like basically saying you can't have a real honeymoon because you can't fuck. And she's like, well, it's going to be real as anyone else's basically. And like, we will be boning. And she's like, so weird combo to have with your guy friend. In the book, he gets so— he gets mad in the movie. He gets so mad in the book that he grabs her. Like grabs her shoulders hard enough that she's in pain. Oh my God. And she literally is like, "Ow, that hurts!" in the book, like yelling, "It hurts!" And Edward has to come over and like literally be like, "I'm gonna fucking kill you if you don't let her go." And like, Seth has to be like, "Let her go, you're hurting her. It's her wedding." Like, he literally is abusing her because he's mad that she's gonna fuck Edward, her husband, on her honeymoon. Okay.

Make that make sense.

Like, I need to know what happened here. Like, where no one along the line said, this is weird.

I guess not.

Or did they? And you just said, don't worry about it.

You have to think that by this point, like, when Breaking Dawn was out, it was well established that this is YA. Like, yeah, that's really fucked up.

Yeah, it's a nasty relationship. Like, for him to grab her like that because he's mad she's going to have sex with her husband on. And I realized that's not it. Like, that's not the end of it. It's like that he's mad because he's like, you're gonna die. Yeah, like he'll kill you. But a part of it— but that does not justify hurting her.

No. And a part of it is he's mad that—

yeah, he's jealous.

He's gonna have sex.

He's jealous and he's upset that that could happen to her. But it's like, that does not justify grabbing her like that.

No, nothing does.

Like, what the fuck? It's wild.

Edward's not telling Bella where they're going on their honeymoon.

Thank you.

My fam— and like, her family is aware of this. Like, fucking, uh Renee's like, oh my God, where do you think you're going?

So fun that he's taking you somewhere where he's told no one. Where the fuck are you going?

Yeah, my family would say, hey, you're not going.

Yeah, until we have your itinerary, you're not going.

That's an episode of Dateline. I'm like, that's an episode of Dateline.

Like, I could never. No, I could never.

No, my family would say, I think not.

Yeah, like, we just don't know where you're going. That's like, that's insane.

Oh, I thought that was thunder.

I was like, what?

Sorry, I got so excited. The trash bins were rolling and I said, is it thunder? Talking about Twilight and in a thunderstorm would be just chef's kiss.

But it was just trash.

But it was just— I mean, well, it was just garbage. Well, that's also fitting.

Also, this whole thing, like, this whole scene, I'm like, wow. Because from what I've seen on the website, like, Stephanie's website, she actually says before this even gets like moved into movie form, she said this should be two movies. She was the one who said that.

Oh, really?

Because she said she— it is a long book.

It's a big book.

But she— but like, to be fair, not a lot happens in part 1 as far as I'm concerned. Not a lot of like— Do you know—

I mean, part 1 of the movie is like nothing.

Yeah.

But do you know if the Harry Potter series had that book been split into 2 movies yet?

I don't know.

Let me look because I wonder if that was part of the reasoning.

Well, I think she just— I mean, if you're going to split it in 2 movies, you're getting more money out of it. I think it's just all based.

You think it's that?

To me that.

She references the Harry Potter books on her website. So that's the only reason that I wondered.

Yeah. Because turning that into two movies, like this part in particular, we watch them get in the car. We watch them get to the airport. We watch them get in a taxi. We watch them randomly walk through the streets of Brazil for a minute. We watch them get in a boat. We watch them arrive at the island. We watch them walk in the door. By the time you get there, you're like, I didn't need to see all your traveling. No, I did not. Halfway through that, I was like, can we just get there?

Yeah.

I don't need to see the traveling.

Yeah, no, I fully agree.

But they had to because they had time to eat up.

That's the thing.

And there's not a whole lot of other stuff. There's really not.

Until you get to— well, because like Renesmee has to be born and then Volturi has to get upset and then you have to end it there. And that's like where it splits.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So it's like that. I don't think it needed to be.

I don't think so either.

It could have just been a long movie.

It could have been. Yeah, exactly.

Because I think the honeymoon is— it's a long—

it's half of the movie. We watch them playing chess for more of the movie than we don't.

Yeah. Yeah. It's a lot. Now, just to go back, the way that— like, another thing, because like we're gonna get into now, like the honey, you know, honeymoon and baby and all that. Immortal children, the way Stephanie explains them in the Illustrated Guide and has Carlisle explained them in the book, is that Immortal children are like outlawed because they can't keep the secret.

Like the vampires, they just like get their kids.

Yeah, they stay as kids, so they just don't have the ability to keep secrets. And like that, they were so beautiful and enchanting and endearing that like whole covens would like just, you know, they would do anything to protect them. So the Volturi was like, this is a problem because we're having to eliminate entire covens just to get rid of these immortal children because they'll just protect them. And it's like, but the way they explain it is like, not because like they felt this need to protect these children because they're babies, because they're children and like they need to be protected. Yeah, it was that they were so beautiful.

That's weird.

And I'm like, why do we have to— and I say this because there's a lot of weird shit that, that ends up with kids, that ends up with kids in this that I'm like, I don't understand why this had to be part of it. I just don't. It's icky. Like, it just doesn't make sense. Like, do we— can we not?

Well, like, even going back to— and we'll touch on it in this, in this part too— but even last time when we were talking about— is it Quill who— oh yeah, a 2-year-old. Yeah, like, that's— we get further into the icky shit, and it gets weirder in this one. Well, and she's not the only infant who's been imprinted on now.

No, which we will get to. We'll get to now. And also, another thing that I noted here in and it came out of like the wedding reception really, and this is from the book, is the way she has Bella hate beautiful women.

Yeah.

Like hates them.

Is it when she sees Irina?

She's immediately horrified by the presence of the Denali Coven. And in turn, the Denali Coven are kind of assholes.

Because they're like, they feel judged.

Well, and she makes them like, well, they're beautiful.

So obviously they're mean.

Like they have to be nasty. Like when they laugh, like Edward introduces her in the book as his wife, and they're like—

and it's like, she is his wife.

You were at— you're at the wedding. Like, it's just like, that doesn't make sense. Like, can we have some girls supporting girls moments please in this? Because there's none.

No, there really is.

Because even when she tries to do it with like the Rosalie and Bella thing, I'm like, no, she has an ulterior motive. Rosalie is using you as a vessel. It's not girls supporting girls.

And even Alice— Alice is just manipulative with Bella. Like, they don't have a very pure poor relationship.

She just controls her, and it makes me crazy. There's a lot of internalized misogyny that's happening here that is coming out in these things, and like pitting women against women. Like in the book, when the Denali Clan meets Bella and they like say hello, Tanya is part of the Denali Clan.

I feel like Tanya is not a vampire name.

I know, but Tanya was mentioned before as somebody that like, I think they wanted to set Edward and Tanya up, and Tanya had like a big crush on Edward.

Oh, I thought it was Irina.

But Edward, no, because Irina's with Laurent. So Tanya like really was into Edward, but he was like not super into her. I guess like that he was kind of into her, but like not like he's into Bella. Yeah.

And so she knows this, and like, which like, Bella knows this is what you're saying?

So she knows that like like, but she knows that like nothing happened and that he's not interested and that's it.

And also like they're getting married. And also like you're at your wedding, so like, I think, I think you won.

Yeah, I think you got it.

I think you got this.

But the way in the book it's like Tanya gives— like they give each other a hug, Edward and Tanya, and then it's like Tanya was still holding Edward, like held on to him longer. And then she says about all of them, all the, all the four of them, and they were all four so beautiful that it made my stomach The hell? Like, can you just—

She's like intimidated.

Can you just be like, wow, they're beautiful. Yeah. I'm married.

Like, it's just like, well, it has not— like, their beauty has nothing to do with you.

Yeah. And it says, and that's when he says, let me introduce you to my wife. And it says the Denalis all laughed lightly in response. And then she says, she says, Tanya was every bit as lovely as my worst nightmares had predicted.

Jesus Christ.

She eyed me with a look that was much more speculative than it was resigned and then reached out to take my hand. But to me, we all just be cool. Like, she's more beautiful than like my worst nightmares. It's like, damn, yeah, can we just like— and she's kind of being a bitch.

Like, why does it need to go like that? Yeah, like, why?

And it's like, I realize she's young, she's 18. Yeah, so you have those like— we've—

many women have found themselves in similar positions.

But I'm just like, but I feel like she's so, she's never just like in awe of these women or just like, wow, what a, like, you know what I mean? Like just looking at them like, wow, what a beautiful creature.

She's always threatened.

It's always threatened. It's always competition. And it's like, it doesn't need to be that way, babe. And you just wanna shake her and be like, girl, it's okay. You got him.

Yeah.

It's okay.

He's literally sickeningly obsessed with you.

Yeah. So like, don't worry.

To a crazy level.

Don't worry about it. Which I do. I don't buy it.

They have no chemistry. She gets pregnant and I'm not even convinced they ever fuck. Like, they don't have chemistry together. They just don't. Which is wild. I'm like, did you guys screen test them? I know, because they're both pretty good actors. Like, Robert Pattinson has gone on to be in a lot of like really great movies, and Kristen Stewart, I'd like— when she was Joan Jett, I thought she was so good. Together, I'm like— and it's wild because they dated, right?

Well, that's the other thing, they were together for a while, but I'm like, was that—

maybe that was just dress.

I don't think so.

We don't— nothing's real.

I mean, I don't know. Nobody knows.

Yeah, but they have no chemistry together on screen.

And never is it more apparent than when they finally get to Aylesmere and they are about to— you know, he's like naked in the water. Yeah. And she's like, just give me a second to get ready. And then she acts like she's preparing to get sacrificed. 100%. Which, like, maybe she is.

I've never seen anyone brush their teeth so vigorously and rip at their hair. Oh my God, from root.

Yeah, just root.

As a hairdresser, no, no, start at the bottom.

And then she also—

the way she shaves her legs, I said, just rip them up there, you are going to have razor burn and cuts.

And then I didn't understand that Alice packed for her, which like, what? That's your brother. And then Alice just put a bunch of skimpy like teddies and lingerie in there.

Okay, here's the thing, it's weird that Alice packed that bag. Like, I, I'm not moving on from that.

I was like, please do not tell me that's not weird.

That shit is weird, But Bella is so horrified by what was packed that she's acting like it's like nipple pasties. I'm like, this is your honeymoon. Wear a cute teddy.

You can look cute.

Get down with your bad self.

And she ends up going out there naked. So I was like, well, why were you so scandalized by the fabric? You went out there naked. Hello?

Which like, good for you.

Hello? Like you should if you feel so inclined.

But weird.

She crumples to the ground at one point. And it is like she's about to go out to meet a firing squad.

I think she's just so embarrassed about, like, her body.

Because she's so young.

And, like, her. Yeah.

I'm like, this is why you weren't ready to get married, babe.

If you're crumpling onto the ground at the thought of fucking your brand new husband, you're probably not ready for marriage.

Probably. And also, like—

Dare I say?

If you just waited until after you became a vampire, you would feel confident as fuck. I know. So, like, why don't you just wait?

I know.

Wait until you feel like a goddess.

But I do get what she's saying about not wanting to be, like, writhing in pain on her honeymoon.

Yeah. I mean, that's a bummer. Yeah.

They should have figured— they should have planned better.

Does it take that long?

Does it? I think it's a few days. I don't really know.

Didn't seem like it at the Cullens' house.

I think it is.

It's days? I think. I think it was just hours. Is that all it is? 3 to 5 days. Yeah. But also they were there for like 14 days.

They were there for a while.

So I was like, okay, so part of the first week is going to be you writhing in pain. Then you wake up looking like a snack with a full smoky eye and new highlights and bouncy hair.

Me personally, you best change me before my wedding.

Yeah, you best change me before my wedding.

You know how many motherfucking appointments I had before my wedding to be the hottest version of myself?

And you could just have permanent smokey eye.

I woke up like this.

Yeah, like literally permanent lashes.

You plan that wedding for a dreary day. Yeah, so you're not sparkling and freaking everybody out.

Exactly. Which they didn't need to anyway because they had the COVID of all those gorgeous flowers.

One thing I have to say is that their wedding was stunning.

Oh, stunning.

Stunning.

Stunning.

But yeah, I would like to be changed before that.

Yeah. But they do end up doing it. And it's very chaste.

She gets bruised from missionary.

She does get bruised from missionary.

She gets bruised from simple missionary.

I said, what? Because, and also, you see it the next day. And I'm like, how did the closet door door and a wall get damaged?

And the bed— the bed is broke. I'm like, you guys were doing missionary pillows. Like, show me the softest sex I've ever seen. Where he broke the closet door. Show me, show me to me, Rachel. Show me to you, Rachel, how that room was ravaged.

Show me that, because from what we saw, the fuck? The lightest.

I said that's soft. So gorgeous and beautiful.

It was beautiful. Candlelit even, but it was not not breaking a bed. I was like, where, sir? What?

Quoi?

Sir? Huh? What? I was just a little confused. And then when the housekeepers come— rude. So fucking rude.

They're not carpenters. They're not.

Because one of them, the man is just walking out with part of the bed frame in his hands. They didn't even bother to pick that place up. And then later you see Edward fucking flying around the room to pack in warp speed. I was like, you could have cleaned that fucking room for I'm sorry to leave that room that big of a mess and then just be like, figure it out.

And also to sit on the couch while they clean.

Yeah, that's so uncomfortable. Sit on the couch in your underwear while they clean pants, you douche. And while they clean the room that you fucking demolished and didn't bother to even pick up the feathers. Yeah.

While doing missionary. That's crazy.

That felt yucky to me.

It did. One thing that we also didn't even really talk about when, like, between you and I, when we were watching this, That's his mom's house.

Yeah, I don't want—

I don't want to fuck there. If I was Bella, I'd say it's not the first place that comes to mind when I think of fucking you for the first time. This home was built for your vampire mother, so we shouldn't fuck in it. We should not do missionary in the home built and named for your mother.

In the book, they destroy many rooms.

Yeah, there's many rooms.

There's like a blue room, a white room, and they destroy them. Yeah, they just wreck them all.

And then they came in like a wrecking ball.

Hopefully Esme will let us come back. I'm like, probably not.

You two are disgusting, you pieces of shit. And also Bella just comes back pregnant as fuck, and imagine how embarrassing that would be.

Yeah, be like, oh, you're just like, like, we did fine, guys.

And I think we might have made a mistake.

It might have been a problem.

We did an oopsie.

Like, oops.

I just can't believe I watched this at like 13 years old and I was like, oh, we love— I watch it now, I'm like, oh my God, maybe that actually explains some of my decision-making in my youth, true, in my younger days.

I mean, you never know.

Yeah.

Also, why isn't he sparkling on this honeymoon?

That's a really good question. You know, do you know why? Because I don't think they had it in the budget. I don't think apparently that was like incredibly expensive, really, to make them sparkle.

Yeah, shit. And one part that really got me was when he's trying to avoid fucking her because like, and they're in the Amazon rainforest, I assume.

Yep.

And he sprints ahead of her, like way ahead of her. And she's just like, left behind. And I was like, why are you leaving your new bride, your new human bride alone in the Amazon rainforest? You've already left her in the Pacific Northwest rainforest.

I was going to say it's kind of his thing.

Why do you just leave her in forest? I would never. I'd be so mad at John. The rainforest? Do you know what kind of scary? Oh my God. Boops and beeps are living in the rainforest.

It's criminal to even call them boobs and beeps. I'm human. I'm mortal. Yeah. One little—

and I'm gone. I know. Like, you're stone. At least you can get through this, but you just leave me because you don't want to be tempted to fuck me in the rainforest.

Wow.

What a sentence. That's like essentially what's happening.

You don't want to be tempted to fuck me in the rain? To missionary in the rainforest?

In the rainforest.

That's crazy.

It was wild.

He also— Debbie pointed this out— when they're in the waterfall, he takes a deep breath before he goes under the water. I was like, but you're dead. Yeah, I was like, you don't breathe yet. Like, hello, what does it mean? Also, what does it mean? Uh, what was the dolphin thing that you said when they were in the—

oh my God, when they were naked in the water just like living their lives and looking at the moon? Yeah, and kissing.

That is beautiful.

So beautiful. But I said, there's pink dolphins, river dolphins in that water.

Look that up.

You ever seen a pink river dolphin?

I don't think they give a shit about humans.

Dolphins. I'd like you to go look at them.

But look them up. No, there's—

because if anything's gonna ruin the mood, it's a pink river dolphin.

If that thing opens its mouth near you, you'd never missionary again.

And I said, you two are very unsuspecting right now, and you're very exposed.

Yeah.

And I'm sure there's other things in that water that could—

let's Google—

that could give you a fright.

What's in the Brazilian water?

And if you're naked, you should be a little aware of what's going on.

Let's Jaguars. Jaguars are in the water. It says Brazilian. That's, that's why I said that. It also says legendary fish. Legendary fish. I don't want legendary fish swimming all up on my butt. Not on your butt. Pink water dolphins are so scary. There's also another one that's called the tucuxi.

Nope.

And it's related to the dolphin, the pink river dolphin.

I'm scared.

The largest predator in the Amazon, reaching up to 20 feet in length, is there. The black caiman. Ew!

The green— I've never seen those.

The world's largest snake is in that water. Why is there— The green anaconda. Piranhas! Why'd you put us? Piranhas are in there?

And also that mother— Oh, no. That man is sparkling.

Oh, girl. There's electric eels.

That man is sparkling. Don't piranhas love sparkly things?

The worst shark. The worst shark in my opinion, from what— is it a cookie cutter shark? Oh, I don't know about that. I thought the worst shark was the bull shark. That's really bad too.

What's the one?

You just had a shark.

It's just really scary.

Are you saying cookie cutter shark?

I am.

Why?

You know who told me about this? My child.

Well, tell me about the cookie cutter.

I'm going to show you this thing.

Jaguars are excellent swimmers.

Who knew? I didn't know that.

Yeah, they're frequently spotted prowling the riverbanks. What the fuck is that? What the actual motherfuckers are?

That's a cookie cutter shark. I think they're little, so I think, or maybe—

Oh my God, do you know what's actually really exciting? There's capybaras.

Oh, that's fun.

And Amazon manatees.

Oh, that's pretty cool.

Luckily those are herbivores. But yeah, there's a lot of fucked up shit in that water and you should put your butt away. You should keep your butt out of that water. Just looking up at the moon, honey, you just got stung by an electric eel, bitten by by a fucking piranha and a green anaconda shark and a jaguar is actually actively hunting you while we record this podcast.

Truly.

Fucked.

Truly, it's happening right now.

And you know what? It would be fine for Edward because he could just dippity dip dip.

Bella?

Dead.

Dead.

Dead.

But also Edward's sparkling, so he's attracting piranhas.

He's not.

No, there's no budget for that. But he should be. He should be, but that's— He should be like, put your butt away.

That's another Times Japanese Sun Vampires aren't real.

She said, you believed in this?

You really think they sparkle all the time?

She said, girl, that's so cute that you believe in vampires. And I said, but you do, you wrote about it. Stephanie. Now it comes to it that he's like, I'm not gonna do that again until—

yeah, we're not ever fucking—

we're not doing that, like, not until you're turned. And she's like, that sucks.

So they play so much chess, which also, if I'd rather go through venom spreading through my body rapidly than playing chess on my husband over and over again.

Yeah, no. Yeah, so they play chess and then she has a dream that they, that they do it again, and she wakes up and she literally cries and begs him— I don't want to talk about this— to have sex with her. I died inside during the scene.

It is upsetting if you have to beg your husband genuinely and cry and beg him to have sex with you, that should not be your husband.

It was so upset.

Your husband— you should immediately— you should revoke the paperwork because technically it's not even legal yet.

No.

And you should say, baby, where the hell is my husband?

Because it's not this guy. I have to beg him to follow me.

Get rid of him.

Get rid of him. You gotta go. You gotta go, my dude.

That's so upsetting. Yeah.

And this is when we our pregnancy.

Pregnancy.

This is one of those two times she got pregnant.

Wait, before we get there, there's also a scene like in the middle of all this where Jacob is on the beach.

Oh, and we have to talk about this. I do have that. Okay, so yeah, so he's on the— again, Jacob's part of the book is wild, and the chapter names of his are really wild. Um, like there's like the preface of his thing of his part of this because they're all split into chapters and point of views and books and all that. His is called Life Sucks and Then You Die. Yeah, I should be so lucky.

Oh my God. My mom used to say that to me all the time. Life sucks and then you die.

Horrific. I know. And so angsty.

It is so angsty. She was Team Jacob, I guess.

She is Team Jacob, I think. And let me find the chapter. It's literally a chapter that's called 'What am I, the Wizard of Oz? You want to take a heart?

You want to take a leg?' It's the longest chapter name in the world. What do I look like?

This is a chapter. Chapter 17 is entitled, 'What do I look like, the Wizard of Oz? You need a brain? You need a heart? Go ahead, take mine. Take everything I have.' Wow. That's the name of the chapter.

Was this edited?

I don't know. Stand up. Who did it?

Hello?

Who did it?

I guess you don't have to take all of the editor's recommendations.

No, you don't. You know, but the more books I write, the more I should be collaborative. That editors are very smart people.

Yeah.

And they do know what they're talking about.

That's why they have that job.

They do know what they're talking about. And it should be this far into a series. I feel like by book 2— book 1, I was probably a little like, "This is my book. I'm not taking your suggestions." Like, not enough. Yeah. Book 2, I was like, "Okay, you're right. You're right." Yeah. Book 3, I literally was like, said, you know so much better than me. Like, I was literally like, take it final, because take my hands, let's do this together, let's jet set. I said, you just know. Like, you really— like, editors out there, because you know what, you, you know, you know, and we need you, period. So that— we need you. Uh, but yeah, this— I do question this one because I'm like, what's going on here? Yeah. So we're in— we're in La Push.

I love saying that, La Push.

We're in La Push, and they're talking about like, you know, Jacob's, you know, wondering what's going on, wondering if she's gonna— he's convinced that Bella's gonna die.

And he's basically saying the treaty will be null and void and I can't wait to kill Edward once it is.

Pretty much. And he's talking to Leah, and I think he's talking— is Seth there?

Yeah, I think it's Leah and Seth.

Yeah. And he— they're talking about how, you know, uh, they start talking about like imprinting essentially, because they look over and on the other side of the beach are all the other pack members who have been building couples. They're all kissing, cuddling, giggling with each other, noodling. And Jacob's like, oh my God, their lives don't even belong to them anymore. And as he's looking at them canoodling couples, it then switches over and he's looking at Quill and the 2-year-old Claire he imprinted on, right after he's talking about these canoodling couples whose lives are how lucky they are and how lucky they are. And Leah is saying how lucky they are. And then it's like, it's so dark. You're— and you look at this little 2-year-old and this at least 17-year-old, this boy who has no right, just squatting by her next to the water.

Yep.

And I said, this is the most disturbing thing I've ever seen.

It's almost— isn't it more disturbing in the book? You read some of it out loud. Oh yeah.

Oh yeah, it is.

You gotta post it.

Let me find, find where I have this. So because at one point— so remember the way that imprinting is talked about in the illustrated guide is that it is not true love.

And it's not love at first sight.

It's not— or it's not— I shouldn't say it's not true love. It's not love at first sight. And it doesn't have to be romantic necessarily.

It could be brotherly.

It can be brotherly. And it's very much— and that's the way that everybody tries to defend it, that it, it doesn't have to be like that.

But you know what's crazy?

Yeah. You know what's crazy? So there's a part in this book, in Jacob's part, where he's talking about how his sister Rachel, uh, one of the pack members, Paul, imprinted on her, and how he's like annoyed by that. And he says, wasn't it bad enough that yet another member of the pack had imprinted? Because really, that made 4 of 10 now. When would it stop? Stupid myth was supposed to be rare, for crying out loud. All this mandatory love at first sight was completely sickening.

Look at that, you canceled out your own thoughts.

What is— what? Like, what?

You said it's not love. And actually, I think in Eclipse, Jacob— or maybe even a New Moon— Jacob literally says the words to Bella, 'It's not love at first sight.' Yeah. And then in his point of view in Breaking Dawn, he says, 'All this love at first sight.' Yep, yep.

Make that make sense. And then, like, the very next paragraph it says, 'So I'd been all geared up to be keeping that secret, and then 2 days after Rachel got home, Paul ran into her on Bada bing, bada boom, true love.

I thought it wasn't true love.

That's the second time in two paragraphs that it has been stated that this is true love, my friends. And then we get to another part, just speaking of imprinting, speaking of Quill and Claire, where we get an entire scene of Claire talking like a two-year-old, like being like, "I have a walk," and like meaning a rock, and it's gween, and blah, blah, blah. And she's like, Quill, do this and blah, blah, blah. I have a question.

Where's Chris Hansen?

Thank you. Where is Chris Hansen? Get him on the scene because it's about to get weird.

Chris Hansen, to la push.

It's about to get weird.

You know what's actually crazy? Robert Pattinson, somebody sent me a DM, is about to play Chris Hansen in a movie.

Are you serious?

I'm serious.

That's wild.

Isn't that wild?

That's wild. And so he's talking about Quill. We go through the whole scene of seeing Claire being a 2-year-old. And he's saying that Quill would play peekaboo with her for an hour, like he never got bored of hanging out with her. But he also is weird.

It is weird.

It's weird, man. We're not making this anywhere.

Where's Claire's mom?

I'm saying. And then it's— and then Jacob says, and I couldn't even make fun of him for it. I envied him too much. Though I did think— are you ready for it? I did think it sucked that he had a good 14 years of monkitude ahead of him until Claire was his age.

Also, that would only make her 16.

And also, I thought you said that it didn't have to be romantic. Now you're telling me he's gotta wait? He's gonna wait it out and watch this little girl go from shit in her pants to 16 years old when he can finally date her? Yeah, we're really gonna do that?

We did that. They did that. She did that.

She says for Quill— he says for Quill, at least it was a good thing werewolves didn't get older. What?

I don't remember that being part of the lore.

I thought that they were— I thought they just like slowly got older.

Yeah, I don't remember all that part of the lore, but I thought it was just the vampires that didn't age.

Yeah. All right, so it says they age normally until they reach physical maturity around age 25.

So not—

so I'm sorry, wait a minute, he's gonna reach age 25? 25, and she's gonna be 16. And then also, like, there's gonna be that age gap.

Yeah, what? Like, and then he just—

it's the same thing.

He stops and then she'll continue to age.

That's the thing. So then they don't age as long as they continue to phase. So if they stop phasing, they'll start aging again.

Okay.

But yeah, 25 is where they get permanently frozen, which also But they die.

They're not immortal.

Who knows how old he is?

I think he's probably like 16, 17, like Jacob's age, right?

So it's like he's gonna be—

Or like, who knows, because Sam's kind of older.

So he's gonna hit 25 before she hits 16. Yes.

Because she's only 2.

2. Yeah. So it's like that—

Don't think too hard on that.

I'm thinking way too hard on it. Don't think too hard on that. And it's real upsetting. Thing, because even in this same thing when he's like, yeah, you know, he's got a good 14 years of monkitude, and I was like, oh, this is gross, so gross. Like, he's not gonna fuck any girls his own age, he can't, because there's this 2-year-old that he's waiting for. That's so fucked up.

Yeah, that's a weird—

I can't get over this. And he even says to him, Quill, you ever think about dating? And he's like, huh? And Claire's like, no, ew.

Claire doesn't know what the fuck that means. Claire's 2.

And then he He says, "You know, a real girl. I mean, just for now, right? On your nights off babysitting duty?" Oh my God.

Who's entrusting Quill to babysit this child that he's in love with?

Yeah.

This is too gross. This is actually making me nauseous.

Oh, well, and then he says, Jacob says, "I bet she'd understand, you know, when she's grown up.

She wouldn't get mad that you had a life while she was in diapers." She might get mad that you imprinted on her when she was 2 years old.

She might get mad— She wouldn't get mad that you had a life while she was in diapers.

Is the weirdest thing I've ever heard in my entire life.

She's 16, she'll be like, well, I was shitting my diaper then, so I understand why you didn't date me. I don't need to. Does anybody— I'm like, are you— what?

How do you write that as a woman too?

Hello?

Like, I got— I have to go, I'm actually late for— I'm late for something.

Bye.

Just to make it even worse, you have to—

Jacob's like, but you won't do that, will you? Like, you're not— you're not gonna date anyone and Quill says— now remember, we have been primed and told—

It's not love.

That it is not romantic love every time, that they will be what they need to be, like if they're a brother or protector or whatever. This, to me, sounds like it's romantic love because he's not willing to date anyone else. He says, "I can't see it. I can't imagine. I just don't see anyone that way. I don't notice girls anymore.

You know, I don't see their face." 'Cause I'm only strong because I'm only into this 2-year-old. 2-year-old.

Like, I'm sorry, there's no other way to take that. There's no other way.

And here's that, like, she could have written this in a way where he became Claire's protector. Yeah. And like had a girlfriend at the same time, but like had that kind of relationship with her like a big brother. And you know, like there could have been a scene where Claire— Claire was playing by the water and he protected her from drowning or something Like, make it normal.

That's the thing. It's like, if you had made it like, yeah, they just be—

like, you said imprinting, but make it— if you're, if you're saying that it can have a brotherly piece to it, show us that piece. Don't show us a weird fucking guy waiting until he can fuck this girl, but she's 2 right now.

Because if that conversation had happened and Quill had said, well, yeah, of course I'm gonna date other girls because I'm not interested in her that way, I just love Claire, I just want to protect her at all costs, I'm going to be the person that make sure no one hurts her.

Yeah, I would have been like, oh, you could even make it that like when Claire gets older she has a boyfriend and like, yeah, Quill's really protective and making sure he's the right guy.

Yeah, but like in like in that way that's like not crossing a line. It's like if they had had that discussion, I would have been like, oh, that's a little less crazy.

Because the other thing is it takes away the, the 2-year-old or the woman's autonomy.

Oh, they have no say in it.

Like even, um, um, what's— is it Emily? Even Emily fucks over her best friend and cousin just because Sam's like, well, I imprinted on you and had no say in.

And it's like— and you're saying like, he's like, oh, I'm sure Claire will understand when she gets older. I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, so we're just not even giving Claire a choice? Claire doesn't want to be with you, that she now has to just look at you and go, oh, it's okay that you, you know, waited.

Yeah, you have to—

she has to say, because I know now that I have to date you. Yeah, because you imprinted on me.

That's So fucked up. She has no choice.

Like, the whole imprinting thing, again, it's such a weird, like, thing to do that takes away women's autonomy because it's like, we're not giving any— I don't see Leah imprinting on anyone. No.

And it's like, that's not fair.

So we don't take away the men's autonomy, we only take away women.

If I was Leah, I was reminded of it in this movie when she's sitting on the beach with Jacob and Seth and she's just hanging out and she has to watch her fucking bitch-ass cousin canoodle with the man she used to love. I would physically fight my cousin every single day of her life. I would beat her ass on the daily is what I said. That's what I wrote down right here in these notes. She said I would beat her ass on the daily. Bitch, how's your cousin do you that dirty? Bitch, how does your cousin do you that dirty? I am not over it.

And if I was Leah's friend.

I'd be in prison. Yeah, I'd be in prison.

Justice for Leah. Leah can be a pain in the ass in this movie.

Oh my God, they had her kill her dad, she loses her man, she has to— there's one part too where they're—

they go— oh my God, go ahead, I got my Post-it note locked and loaded. So even in this, even in the movie, and I think she said— and she says it in the book too— when she breaks away from the pack, because later when they get home from the honeymoon and they have to keep Bella safe safe. The pack finds out she's pregnant and the pack is like, we're gonna kill that baby. Yeah, like, we gotta kill her because this is fucked up. It's an abomination. Yeah. And they've broken the treaty essentially because this baby's gonna kill her.

Yeah.

So obviously Jacob doesn't want to do that. He breaks away from the pack because he is technically the true alpha. He just decided not to be.

His grandfather was chief. Yeah.

So he's like, I don't have to bow to you, Sam. Fuck off. So he leaves and Seth follows because Seth's adorable and he doesn't want to. And he's like, I don't want to hurt the Cullens either. And Leah eventually comes because she was like, I want to get the fuck away from my ex-boyfriend. And I'm here.

Whose thoughts I've had to hear every day.

And when she says it, and Jacob's like, you don't even like me. And he's like, I don't. She says, I don't have to like you. I just have to follow you. And I said, wow, if that isn't Twilight in a nutshell. Yeah. A woman saying to a man, that's the idea. I don't have to like you. That's the eye of the duck.

Shout out to Adam and Dom, check out their pod.

Listen to Eye of the Duck, it's a really good podcast.

That is the eye of the duck.

That is the eye of the duck, is I don't have to like you, I just have to follow you. Like, that's—

wow, right there.

And then on top of that, because she starts talking about, I don't want to be the, the sad ex-girlfriend, I'm going to follow her ex-boyfriend around all the time.

Her story is so sad.

And she's like, and I don't want to have to think of his thoughts and hear his thoughts and have him hear my thoughts. Well, in the book they talk about how when you, like, you know, when you— when you phase— when you phase, your clothes rip apart, so you're naked.

Unfortunate.

And Jacob says, nudity was an inconvenient but unavoidable part of pack life. We'd all thought nothing of it before Leah came along. Then it got awkward. Leah had average control when it came to her temper. It took her the usual length of time to stop exploding out of her clothes every time she got pissed.

Not exploding out of her clothes. Imagine every time you got pissed, you exploded out of your clothes.

I don't know why that— that line had me rolling yesterday. But then it says, are you ready for Jacob? Team Jacob. We'd all caught a glimpse, and it wasn't like she wasn't worth looking at. It was just that it was so not worth it when she caught you thinking about it later.

Also, just the sentence It's not that she wasn't worth looking at, and like someone else sat down even more. Yeah, worth looking at. I want to fight people right now. Forget Emily, I'm gonna fight so much more than that.

Justice for Leah. Like, what the fuck? Not only you're thinking about it later, only does this bitch have to watch her love of her life fall in love and imprint on her cousin and best friend who's just like, eh, it. I don't know what to tell you.

I just love him.

You want to be in our wedding though? And then has to hear his thoughts about Emily, and that he gets to hear her thoughts about the whole situation. Not only that, she's gotta explode out of her clothes crazy and then have these little dingus mutts over here.

And I'm gonna think about it later.

She's not— it's not like she's not worth looking at, but then they have to think nasty ass thoughts about it later, and then she's got to be like, hey, little bitch, that's so— stop thinking about my ass.

Like, so fucked up.

What a fucking life. I was like, no wonder you broke away from that pack. I'd be like, I'm a lone goddamn wolf.

I would walk into the ocean.

No way I'm being part of it.

I would say I'm going to La Push, and then I would walk into the ocean of La Push.

What a shit life. Oh man, justice for Leah. Even though Leah is kind of a bitch in this, but whatever, she's on the right side at least.

And honestly, she can be a bitch.

Which is wild. And oh, it's— I just can't get over it. Now apparently, apparently the whole idea of like human vampire hybrids is a thing. It's in the Illustrated Guide, of course, because she had to explain.

Have you guys heard of the Illustrated Guide? Have you? I Illustrated Glide.

I just illustrated this vampire named Johan.

I love it.

Uh, he was a vampire who was— I guess he was like a scientist when he was human.

It is really his name.

It is Johan. And he was very curious about things, and so he allowed a female vampire to turn him just so he could like experiment and see what it was like. What it's like for him. Okay, for science.

I feel like he has really good hair, right?

I feel that too. He's not great, um, but he became obsessed with the idea of vampire-human hybrids when he became a vampire. So he tried a ton of times to make one. Okay, he just kept fucking women who are humans, like human women. And he kept either killing them while fucking or they would die while trying to have the child. Also, he was like, oh, this isn't working. He's like, goddamn. But after, according to the Illustrated Guide, and I quote, after a lot of practice— oh, a lot of practice— he impregnated a woman named Serena, and she lived and had a daughter.

Okay.

He apparently conceived a son with another woman who was apparently what is termed a singer but she was very, um, and now a singer is what Bella is. Okay. A singer has blood that quote unquote sings to one vampire.

What a fucking flex.

That's why Edward is so helplessly in love with her. He can't fight it. That it's that blood.

Her blood is a siren.

She sings to him.

That's beautiful.

Now apparently singers don't hit for all vampires. They hit for a particular vampire. That's not true for Bella though, because I feel like every vampire that comes in contact with her is like, "Ah!" Remember James?

He risked his life.

Literally is like, "I just want to taste it." It's like, but that's against the lore. Yeah. Because maybe it just tastes a little better, I guess. I don't know. But so he conceived a child, a son with a singer. But in the illustrated guide, she is very adamant that this lady, her singer abilities, nothing according to like when put up next to Bella. Bellis. Okay, she's always like, Bellis just more than everybody.

Oh, maybe she doesn't hate her.

I think so too. But so they did— they are a thing. Hybrids reach physical adulthood by 7 years. Okay, so in 7 years they will become like, uh, an adult, but they're still 7, but they're not like in a 7-year-old body. Yeah, they become an adult, but they are only on this earth for 7 years before they become an adult. Okay. And apparently they're born with an adult's mental capacity. I was gonna say, okay, okay. Um, and then they just stay away. They don't move past that. All right. But yeah, so that's a thing. And so I just wanted to put that out there because there is like, you know, precedence for it kind of thing. But yeah, so that's what will happen with Renesmee is she will, within 7 years, she will become a full adult. Okay. So that's all that Jacob has to wait for. Oh, that's so great. Which is weird. Uh, now the whole time that like Belle is in the Cullen house and Rosalie is just thirsting for that baby, anytime someone's like, you know, this fetus is, is hurting you, this fetus is gonna kill you, she's like, it's a baby, call it a baby.

Baby. And it's like, no, no, I get it, babe. I get it that it's like a real thing in there. Biologically, medically, it is a fetus until it comes out of her. So like, you need to tone it down. Like, you need to calm down and actually freaking be calm.

She's like, everybody else is a little bit wrong because for the amount of time that Bella is pregnant, it's not a fetus. It's actually an embryo.

It's an embryo. Honestly, I don't even think it's an embryo though.

It's actually ever. Yeah, probably not.

With what, how she's pregnant? Because how long is it?

9 weeks.

9 to 10. 9 to 10 weeks. But how long is it that, uh, that she's pregnant? Oh, sorry.

Uh, 3 weeks, I think.

3 weeks, I think.

Let me make sure.

So I don't even think she ever just— because also, remember, as soon as she gets pregnant, she feels it kicking.

Implantation for her is 2 minutes. Literally, she's pregnant for 28 days.

Yeah. So, and she feels it kicking the second she's—

she finds out she's pregnant.

Yeah. So that thing is no longer an embryo, that's a full-blown fetus. Yeah, but it's a fetus the whole time.

Yeah.

And it's like, that's just— and maybe that's just like medically and biologically it's annoying me that she's like being such a bitch.

You are a science queen.

It just annoyed me. Also, when she does figure out she's pregnant, she looks at— she like, in the movie, she like, you know, asks for her like makeup bag and she sees the thing of tampons and that's when she's like, oh fuck, I'm gonna miss my period. And in the book, the same kind of thing happens, but she like lifts the tampon box up like because she's kind of like, oh fuck, I don't need these. And Edward in the book is like, you're trying to pass off this sickness it says PMS. And I was like, I'm sorry.

Some people do get really sick with PMS.

Edward Anthony Cullen, man, have you ever had a period? Because I've had cramps so badly that one, I've thrown up, and two, I've passed out.

Yeah, literally.

So don't sit here and be like trying to pass this off.

Fuck off. I'm like, I've thrown up during my period before, okay?

If John ever tried to question my period, I'd be like, have you ever experienced one?

Fight night. Like, get out of here.

Like, that just annoyed me in the book. No, he's a dick.

But they're not— he's not nice to her.

No, he's not. Ever. He's not, please.

But he's so in love with her. Like, make it make sense.

Make it make sense.

So Alice taps into the fact that like something is awry because she can't see Bella anymore. Like, in visions.

I think like the fetus like blocks her.

It's like a— it's like actually an eclipse. It's an eclipse.

It's a literal eclipse.

But, uh, so in the movie, Alice calls and is like, what's going on? And then Carlisle gets on the phone. And Bella says, "Carlisle, I swear something just moved inside of me." I said, "That's diabolical to say to your father-in-law." And you know Carlisle was probably like, "Did you mean to call me?" "I swear something just moved inside of me." "Who are you saying this to?" "What?" And she meanwhile looks in the mirror and she's like, "There's a bump." "Let me tell you." That bitch is a Pilates queen.

I would give my left arm for that bump. I would give my left arm for my stomach to look like her stomach looks when it's—

when she's like, I'm pregnant, I eat a pizza and I'm more pregnant than Bella. Mama is tone as fuck in that.

It's like, that's—

I was gonna say, I drink a little water and I'm more pregnant than Bella.

Literally, it's like, goddamn nuts. I was like, we're really not gonna give her like anything here? Nah, but cool. Um, so yeah, so justice for Leah and all that.

Uh, and Carlisle.

Now there's a part where It's like while they're talking about how she's like getting to the point where it's like breaking her ribs and shit.

Yeah. And Carlisle's like, "Yo, this thing's gonna kill you." Like, "This thing's gonna break you." Let's real talk right now. Yeah, like, there's no way.

And Robert Pattinson literally almost laughs in this scene.

Multiple times.

When they're telling him that the baby's crushing Bella from the inside out, he says, "I can't live without you." Watch it again.

He laughs.

He stifles a full laugh. He does.

And he turns to the window.

And he doesn't do a good job of it. Yeah, it's very, very obvious that he stops himself from laughing.

And then he does it one more time, like right before he yells at her. Watch that scene. He's lolling.

Please do. He's lolling.

Because he's like, this isn't serious. Also, I think it's partially that she looks so scary that he can't be like, I can't live without you. But he just can't because he's like, I kind of want to live without you right now because you're terrifying.

I'd like to get out of here.

The makeup and like whatever else they did to make her look so just like gaunt and scary. I was like, what did you guys do?

Terrifying. Like terrifying. And while, um, when Bella like goes into labor and like all her bones are breaking, it's so scary because she like drops blood.

They figure out that like the baby needs blood, so she's drinking blood and then she drops some and the baby like wants it so bad. She breaks her back and her knees.

Yeah, it's terrifying. And in the book, uh, Jacob's part, he says, for the tiniest part of a second, my eyes touched on the two standing in the Esme, Alice. Small and distractingly feminine.

Distractingly feminine?

What the fuck does that mean? Pretty? Distractingly feminine?

He's like, here's the thing, I was really concerned about Bella, but I kind of wanted to fuck those vampires, and I do feel weird about it.

That sounds like something AI would spit out.

No, you know what that sounds like?

And I realize these were written well before AI was a thing, so I'm not— that's not what I'm saying at all. Distracting feminine? But I'm saying that does sound a stupid thing that AI would put together. It sounds like— to be like, put this in there.

It sounds like that whole generation that's like looksmaxing.

Have you heard of that?

That's the kind of shit that those incels would say. Distractingly feminine.

Distractingly feminine.

They call girls like mobs or something.

I don't know. What the fuck? It's weird. I just— it just sounds like something that— two things that don't belong together. It just doesn't— that's why it feels— again, I realized this was before AI. I'm not not by any means.

No, no, we're not accusing anything.

I'm more just saying like, that's how— that is also why when like people think things that are not written well are just AI. Not always.

Sometimes people just don't write good.

But this really does feel like one of those, because like a lot of times when you see like something written by AI, there'll be things that you're like, that doesn't make sense, like that metaphor doesn't make sense, or like it's like overly worked. Yeah, the word, or like the phrase, that feels overly worked. Distractingly feminine feels like something that somebody should have said, pull that back.

Distractingly feminine, that one feels like an insult.

Yeah, it is. It kind of feels like one. Yeah. And I feel like maybe I'm like, was he trying to insult?

I absolutely— because he's like, I think he's basically saying like the vampire women shouldn't be so feminine and beautiful, but they are, and it's like fucking up.

It's like, what?

He also yells at Edward when he finds out that Bella's pregnant. You did this! And he's like, yeah, yes, they are married and they did just get back from their honeymoon.

Yes, he did do this.

Like, you haven't discovered something. Yeah, like, truly.

What? And, uh, Edward has to perform the C-section, like we said, with his teeth.

Um, with him teeth.

He says to bite through that placenta.

We also have to assume that he separates the cord, the umbilical cord, with his teeth as well, because when the baby comes out, there's no cord.

Yeah, just crunch.

And I said, what a different way to go about that.

Yeah, it's a lot of layers to bite through.

7, right?

7, I think. C-sections are no joke.

It might even be more because I know you have 7 layers of skin, right?

7 distinct layers of tissue and muscle.

But they also have to, like, move organs. And, oh yeah, maybe he just, like, shuffles those around.

There's the skin, the subcutaneous fat, fascia, abdominal muscles, peritoneum, the uterus, and the amniotic sac.

Have you ever seen somebody, like, reenact it on TikTok? That shit will fuck you up.

Every time I see it, I'm like, damn, I did that twice.

Twice. I know, twice.

Bad bitch over here snaps a lot.

I don't think I could survive that.

But also, she— and he's biting through those layers, so I'm like, that's gonna be jagged as fuck.

And also, and infected.

According to the illustrating guide, uh, when hybrid babies happen, it's the placenta's like stone. Like, it's, it's like vampire skin.

Imagine if he lost a tooth. That would have been the funniest shit. And then it just— and then it just grew back because he heals quickly. Here's the other thing So he says— because Jacob, at least in the movie, says like, uh, because they take out the baby and— or like, they're— the baby's not completely out yet and she's clearly like dying.

Yeah.

And he's like, you have to change her. And he says, I can't until that thing is out. But you're biting into her body, so you get like— that doesn't make sense.

So your venom is already entering her system.

Yeah. You're saying I can't give her my venom until the baby's out, but you're giving her your venom by ripping open her skin with your teeth.

Yes. Indeed.

And nobody caught that? Like, I don't get it.

Nobody caught that.

Yeah.

Um, another thing that nobody caught is, um, how Jacob imprints on Renesmee.

Oh, I caught that.

Um, and what's crazy is that he imprints on Renesmee at all. But before we get there, but also when she was born, he's in the and he sees her for the first time. He literally is like, get that fucking thing out of here.

Yeah, like, I'm not holding it, bitch. That rank-ass infant.

That bitch.

He says, I don't want to touch that baby that's covered in strawberry cream cheese.

Yeah, he said, that's a murderer, get it out of here. In the illustrated guide, Stephenie Meyer states that imprinting— this is a quote, direct quote— imprinting happens the first time a werewolf sees the object of his imprinting. If the werewolf does not react to the human the first time he sees her after he phases, he will never imprint on that human. But he does.

But he does.

What? Like he literally saw her and then he sees her again and that's when he imprints. That doesn't make any sense.

Yup.

And there's no reason for that. No. Like there's no reason at all.

We were watching the movie and I said, hold up. Hold up right now a second. He's seeing her immediately when she's delivered. Yeah, which honestly would have been even worse if he imprinted it on her as she was coming out of her mother's uterus. Yeah, it'd be fucked.

That would be fucked.

It's still fucked.

It's completely fucked. And I love that in this whole thing that first of all Edward like goes into this moment of just being so enamored with the baby that he literally does not care that Bella is fully coding, just deading right there, deading on the bed. She's corpse. Like, she just presumably is a corpse at that moment. And then he's like, oh shit, I have to fix her now too. I'm like, oh wow, no, um, that sucks. Like, I don't— and what's funny is, like, in— again, in the illustrated guide, there's an, um, interview with Stephenie Meyer, and she says that the reason she wanted to explore this whole pregnancy thing is because pregnancy is, like, not dangerous anymore. She said, now it's not danger— used to be so dangerous, it's not dangerous anymore. And I said, I beg you to read.

It's still—

I beg you to read.

The amount of conditions that you can get, one, not only while pregnant, but two, immediately after delivery.

I needed two blood transfusions after I had the twins.

You were like Bella.

Every organ in my body was shutting down.

When I saw Elena post-birth, it was like, I think one day later, I literally grabbed a nurse and I said, is she all right?

Yeah.

Because she was gray.

It was literally gray.

She was the color gray. She was the gray stuff, literally. I was Beauty and the Beast.

I was literally— I had 2 full blood transfusions right after giving birth.

Birth isn't even dangerous.

Later, reading that, I was like, girl, I know it wasn't like giving birth in the middle of the woods back in the day. I realized that, that things have changed. It's still dangerous. Like, we can't pretend that it's not dangerous. No. So like, That's a weird, weird thing to say, especially when you're having her die during birth. Yeah. So there's that.

But she was like, I'm doing something new here.

Women don't die during birth anymore.

She's doing a new thing, Casey. And it's like, no, they do. They do. They sure do.

That does happen. It's just, and then we have Rosalie who has to be taken out of the room because she's about to eat Bella because she's just all the blood. I mean. Because they haven't hunted in forever.

It's like because of Bella.

Because of Bella needing to fuck as a human.

Exactly.

This whole thing leads back to that. None of them have eaten in days, weeks even. They're all hungry. They're all like— all their eyes are turning fucking dark black at this point, not amber.

Esme, Carlisle, and Emmett are out hunting when she goes into labor. Yeah, like, and also trying to avoid being hunted by the wolves, which she stops by, like, you know, fucking with them.

Yeah, but it's like, all of this is because Bella just had to have sex as a human. Yup. Could not wait. But then Rosalie gets that baby. She doesn't even ask if Bella survived. She's sitting by a fire.

She's like, "I think I can take it." Cooing at that baby, un-fucking-bothered. Cooing at that CGI baby.

So there goes that whole girls supporting girls thing. She doesn't give a fuck about Bella.

She was never in it for that.

She said, "This is my baby now. I hope she does die." And also, that's crazy.

Sorry, I had to recover from that. That's my baby now. I hope she does die.

I hope she does die.

That baby, like, when it first comes out, is a regular baby. Like somebody was like, here's my 3-month-old, go ahead and cover it in jam.

Crazy.

Wild. And it's a beautiful baby. Then they make it CGI. Then they CGI it. And I'm like, but you didn't have to do that because babies are already beautiful.

Exactly. But no, we needed this baby to be the baby that Jacob falls in love with.

But they make it really scary.

Yeah. I don't like it. It is. Vanessa is going to get so scared.

Vanessa may start freaking.

Renesmee in Part 2 is going to be the thing that your, your sleep paralysis demon has nothing on.

Renesmee, your sleep paralysis demon is a top model compared to Renesmee.

Because when, when we see Jacob imprint on Renesmee and he just has visions of this beautiful adult Renesmee.

But here's the thing, it's beautiful adult Renesmee. It's weird. And her wig is weird too.

It is.

Why can't they just find a pretty girl? What's up with her wigs? Why can't they just find a pretty girl with long hair?

Get a good wig. There's good wigs. Yeah.

I've seen wigs. You might not even need it. You found Victoria.

Yeah.

The first one.

She had great hair.

Gorgeous hair.

But then he just falls to his knees and will do anything to be with that baby in 7 years. Meanwhile, that baby just shit its pants.

Meanwhile, that baby just breathed its first breath.

Like, it's literally being fed by Rosalie because it can't feed itself. And you fell to your knees thinking about it as a beautiful adult woman that you can't wait to be with.

Also, you ate—

has no choice in the matter. Yep.

And you hate vampires. Yeah, that's half them. Like, that baby's drinking blood. Yeah, not breast milk.

Yeah, it's weird as fuck.

It's the weirdest movie. Like, this has got to be the— Stephenie Meyer's mind is a dark place.

We gotta study it, man. It's crazy.

It's fucked up.

I gotta be like, girl, tell me what's going on in there.

Then we get to the end, by the way, make sure you watch past the credits. Credits, if you didn't know the first time.

So past the credits, we get probably my favorite part of the Twilight series. I love Arrow.

He is funny.

Love him. I love Marcus. He's wonderful. Marcus is just so tortured. I love him. And we have— is it Bianca?

Yes.

Bianca, the secretary, comes in and she hands a note to Arrow. And it's a note that because she's a secretary, she wrote down Carlisle had contacted them and said, that they have a new addition to the family. So he reads the note and when he says it, he's like, Carlisle, Carlisle has contacted us. And he looks up and he says, with an S, Bianca.

She spelled Carlisle wrong.

He's like, you can't spell.

He's like, wow, dummy.

And that they added somebody new. He immediately has two vampires kill Bianca because he says for the spelling and the grammar.

He said the grammar too was bad. Maybe he would have just let it go.

He says first the spelling, then the grammar.

Tigger out.

And I was like, Arrow is everything to me. He is. He's everything to me.

He's big mad because they have something he wants.

Because Marcus says, "Oh, so beautiful. We're no longer fighting with the coven.

Happy birthday, family." And Arrow says, "Bitch, yes we are." He says, "Damn it up." "Start something I want." And then, hold on, he, he says they have something I want, and then we cut to the real credits, which is Bruno fucking Mars, It Will Rain. How do you end your vampire movie with if you ever leave me, baby? What? What? I literally can't. What?

I literally—

there'll be no sunlight. Of course there won't, you're a vampire.

Exactly. That's the, that's the most diabolical credit song to roll after Breaking and you know what, just like to end this, like on the website, um, she has her playlists that she put together. Yeah, and I'm not faulting anyone for a playlist. I love a playlist. I have playlists for my books.

This playlist is like, it goes everywhere.

Yeah, and like maybe you can shit on my playlist too. Like I'm shitting on this one. I wouldn't shit on your playlist. I think this one just confuses me because one of the things on the playlist from Bella's thing is the Beach Boys' Wouldn't It Nice. I just gotta know where that fits. Like, I just gotta know where that—

because also, wouldn't it be nice if we were older? It's like the lyrics, obviously.

Yeah.

But then she also has like Linkin Park, from Bella's point of view.

Yeah. Which I just don't see. Reliant K, I see Reliant K. I do see— before I knew, uh, we do have Dark Blue by Jack's Mannequin, which I said, shout out to Andrew man. And also, dear Andrew, how do you feel about this?

Hey Andrew, did you know that you're linked to Stephenie Meyer forever?

I would like to know where does that go.

Have you ever been alone in a crowded room, Elena?

Can you just point to me where that one goes? I just, I'm having trouble. And again, I'm not in the, I, this is not my world, so I'm not gonna say that like maybe you have a place, she has a place where that fits maybe. And that I'll go, you're right. That makes sense because I'm, this is not my world.

So maybe it's when he looks at Renesmee for the first time.

There you go.

Like it's them.

Dark blue, dark blue. Like I love that song. In fact, every time I go to a concert of Jack's Mannequin, I call Jon during Dark Blue if he's not in the room with me.

That's really cute.

Yeah. I love that. It played at my wedding, but yeah, I just didn't know where that one fit. I also didn't know where Paper Cut by Linkin Park fit.

Great song.

Um, it's a great song, great album. We've got Evanescence, of course. We've got Fix You by Coldplay, which I feel like does fit.

Oh my God, I used to listen to that song anytime that I did a breakup or got broken up with. Oh yeah, wreck you.

Absolutely.

You try your best but you don't succeed. That's for Marcus.

That is Marcus.

I want you to be constantly playing that.

It is so sad. Um, we have— let's see, we have U2, Stuck in a Moment You Can't Get Out Of.

That's only because they put that on everybody's phone.

That's very true.

It's the only reason.

It's got to be in every playlist. I'm like, damn, it's on my playlist too. Uh, we have— we also have The Reason by Hoobastank, and Ash said, not Hoobastank.

I said, how do you put Hoobastank? First of all, how do you name your band Hoobastank? Let's get back to the virgin story.

What is it? Who was saying— I think they— do you know what it is?

Do I know what who mistake means?

Yeah. No, I'm pretty sure, because I remember when they first came out, people were like, what the fuck does this thing mean? I think he said it's the smell of a hookah. I think it's the smell of like a bong. Like, I'm pretty sure.

The lead singer, Doug Robb, once claimed it was a mispronounced German slang for somebody who had a shoe fetish or has a lot of sneakers. What a vast difference.

What a vast difference.

Hoobastank.

I feel like I saw an interview where they said that at one point, but maybe I was just dreaming.

It seems like they say a lot of things about it.

I was gonna say, but either way, when you said not hoobastank, I was like, what? I don't know. Because that really is a A wild man.

So random.

It's pretty great.

Oh man, I can't wait for part 2.

Part 2.

Because I don't remember it. Like, I think I said this when we finished Eclipse, I really didn't remember. And then I was watching this and I said, wow, I really didn't retain most of this.

I also didn't, which is probably my brain saving me, because I don't think— I don't think part 1 is, um, good— is widely received as the best of them. I think, uh, if you love it.

I think I thought that I liked Breaking Dawn better than I liked Eclipse, but I would actually prefer Eclipse over at least part 1.

Yeah, I don't know. I'm—

these movies are nuts, man.

Last 2 are not great for me.

No, I'm hoping that we covered—

yeah, like Eclipse. And I think part— the last part, like part 5, is supposed to be kind of fun because I think that the fighting scene is fun, and I think it's fun meeting the other coven. Yeah, and like we get more Arrow. Yeah, so like that's all I can ask for.

And Jane, we get more Jane.

I love Jane. Jane is fun. Yeah, so all right, and I think we get Arrow's really good laugh in the next one.

God, I can't—

I think it's really good.

You're gonna have to do an impression once you hear it.

I'll get it. All right, so that'll be one of our next bonus episodes, brothers.

Yeah, I love doing these so much.

My God, what are we gonna do once we're done with Twilight? I know, guys, you got to give us suggestions of like a series or something that you want us to cover like this.

Like a ridiculous series. Like, how do we bonus episode after this?

I know, how could we?

Tell us what you want. Tell us and we'll give you what you want.

We will, because we love you. We do. So with that being said, we hope you keep listening and we hope you keep it weird, but not as weird as Jacob. Definitely not.

Or Edward ripping his baby mama's fucking skin apart. True. Or Rosalie just waiting in the background until she can steal the baby. Or Alice packing your sister-in-law lingerie after she marries your brother.

Or the wig department. Or the wig department.

And if I missed anyone, let me know.

Yeah.

Or as fucking Renee getting blitzed at your daughter's wedding and singing for your speech.

And Jessica saying, "It could have been me." Yeah. Yeah, don't keep it that word.

But inside.