Transcript of Bonus Episode: Breaking Dawn (Part 2) New

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Hey weirdos, I'm Ash and I'm Alina. Hi Alina.

Hi.

And this is Morbid.

Hi, Alina. Hey, Alina.

Welcome to the show. Thanks, guys.

Happy to be here.

I'm so glad to have you.

That was—

I don't know what's going on. It's almost pub week.

It's true.

Alina's been a little rabid animal over there.

Yeah.

And life's been busy and we're just, we're crazy. We are. We are crazy. And I feel like this is gonna be a funny episode because of that.

I hope so.

Yeah, I hope so too. Our homies at State Farm are sponsoring this episode. Hell yeah. State Farm. Shout out to them. And without further ado, let's talk about the final installment. I couldn't think of that word. I, I was like, I don't know where we're going here. I almost called it penultimate, but that's not final.

Yeah.

The final installment in the Twilight Saga.

It's true. So we're talking about Breaking Dawn Part 2, the movie.

Part 2.

And Breaking Dawn Part 3, the book. The book.

It's crazy that they made the movie based off of only Part 3 of the book. You know what I mean?

Yeah. I think this one's probably gonna be a lot shorter than the other ones just because a lot of the bulk happens in the first half, like the setup at least.

Here's the thing, nothing happens the entire time and then something happens, but it actually didn't happen.

Yeah.

Which pisses me off more than, oh my God, did that just happen? No, no, no.

A dream sequence.

No, you silly girl. It's like, I hate it. I hate it so much.

It was a big shocker.

I remember that.

To moviegoers because, so obviously we always do this out of order. It's not one of those like narrative go through beat by beat. No. But there's a giant battle scene that they're all gearing up for in this one.

It's like what the whole thing is leading up to.

Yeah, the Volturi's coming. One of my favorite things in the movie is when Alice is like, "The Volturi, they're coming. Arrow, Marcus, Caius, Jane, and Irina." And it's like, so they're like, "The Volturi?" "The Volturi?" "And Irina." Like, that's what you just said.

She's just naming everybody.

Just let me name. The entire Volturi.

She's like, yes, in case anybody here forgot. Yeah, these are all of their names.

And she doesn't really like— I guess she kind of does do that in the book too, she names them all. But so we're gearing up for that. They're coming because Irina is a real bitter Betty.

Irina's a rat.

She's a real rat. She's a rat.

Snitches get their heads chopped off and their bodies lit on fire, babe.

Yeah, it didn't work out for you. No, no, I didn't— I don't like Irina's vibe at all. No. Even in the first one, when she shows up at the wedding and is like a snarky little bitch, I was like, "Yeah, I don't like that." She has like a condescending, holier-than-thou vibe. Yeah, and it's like, girl, you gotta move on.

You just—

You gotta move on.

Live your life, baby.

And so I don't like her anyways.

So this whole thing being her fault, I was like, "You get the day you deserve." Yeah, it also doesn't really make sense that she would be the one to go rat on the Cullens to the Volturi because her mom died because of an immortal child.

Exactly, so I'm like, So I understand that you grieve that loss forever. I, I totally get that. Yeah, but you want that to happen to another family?

Like, what? Like, what?

And it's like, and you watched the immortal child be thrown in a fire. You want to take part in that again? Like, what was the reasoning for this? I'm not—

and at least in the movie, I forget in the book how it like all goes down, but she was on her way to have a discussion with them. Yeah, to to kind of be like, sorry for being a bitch, but then she just cannot stop herself from being—

and then she's like, yeah, you know, I just gotta be a bitter bitch. Yeah, I am not Team Irina.

No, who is?

Never have been, never will be. I'm just not. Um, there's so much there. There's so little but so much.

Do you want to start like book stuff mostly, and then we can get into the ridiculous movie part?

So, so Part 3 is in Bella's point of view in the book.

Like in the book?

Yeah, I was gonna say we end Part 2 in Jacob's point of view with him falling to his when he sees an infant in a blanket. Yeah.

Fresh out the womb.

Fresh out.

Says Renesmee, where the hell you been, lover?

Yeah. He just falls to his knees.

I hate it.

And he reminds us about 100 times that it is not romantic. And then he completely makes condescends of like, or contradicts himself later, which we'll get to. So already gross. Ew. No. And then when you go to Bella's point of view, this is where I think that maybe Stephenie Meyer, I don't know if she just took, I don't know what was going on with the editing process.

What her plan was.

Did she cancel, you think? Well, here's the thing. So part 3 is from Bella's point of view and it's just the same scene of Renesmee being born again from her point of view.

Right.

Which, that can work.

Yeah.

Like, I've done that in a book where it's like one scene from one person's point of view, one scene from another.

Mm-hmm.

But I think it only works if you're gonna introduce something completely new into the other point of view. That gets lost, yeah. And also that you're not just reiterating exactly what happened the last time you did this point of view or this scene.

'Cause we already know.

And that can be tough. So I am free to admit I had a couple more of those scenes and my editor, bless her, said, chop chop, babe, we gotta cut these because they're just the same thing over again, just a little bit different. And absolutely correct.

Yeah.

And I'm just wondering with this one, because as I started reading the, the Bella point of view, I was like, I'm bored. So this is just the same thing because I watched it from everyone else's point of view. And yeah, it's agonizing, it's awful, she's dying, the thing is ripping her apart, and Edward's gonna bite the fucking placenta open, and blood's gonna go everywhere, and she's gonna bleed out, and then she's gonna see the baby and say it's beautiful.

It's got teeth.

It's all the same thing. Yeah, but in this—

don't you dare presuppose that.

That's where she bit. She did bring something new into this point of view. That's where I said, and I—

you—

she brought teeth.

Because she literally says in this point, I was like, what is this? Who came up with this? Stephanie did. That's who. So she says, so of course Renesmee did not cry.

No way. Elena's peeling her Post-its.

Yeah, I'm peeling my Post-its off. But yeah, she's got like, you know, she's just perfect. She's a perfect little baby. She opens her eyes, she looks right at her. She's very focused.

I beg to differ based on—

Very alert. It says, and also she says she's even more beautiful than her father. And I said, damn. Well, shit.

Well, we'll get there.

Don't worry.

Maybe she heard Midnight Sun.

Yeah, Edward might think something is more beautiful than her mother too. So she says, The impossible face suddenly smiled.

Cheese.

A wide, deliberate smile, as newborns often do.

Never just gasp.

Behind the shell pink— they literally don't even— newborns? No, you're not getting one. Behind the shell pink lips with a full— was a full complement of snowy milk teeth.

Hate it.

I have a couple of things about that.

It's my biggest fear to meet a newborn with teeth.

So this baby doesn't even just have a couple of teeth in her mouth. She's got a full set of teeth that she just cheeses with. And snowy milk teeth. Give me snowy or give me milk. You do not need to give me both because those both describe them the exact same way, which is white.

Yeah.

Why did I have both of these? Snowy milk teeth.

Imagine if they were like jagged and yellow.

Snowy.

Yeah, just like what? She's like, I don't know. She had dinosaur teeth. She's like corn teeth.

It was crazy. Yeah, she was nuts, but she was beautiful.

She was nuts, but she— I mean, only a mother could say.

She also Well, she refers to her in the book as her little nudger.

Which I did. I was like, what's happening?

When she's in her belly. And I hate it.

Yeah. I hate it. Because in case you're confused like I was, it's so simple.

It's the most simplistic version of what you think that is, is the baby nudges her a lot from the inside. So she's like, my little nudger. I was like, whoa, you couldn't come up with anything else?

Remember we used to call one of yours a squirmy wormy?

Yeah. Or my little baby lady once I found out what she was.

Yeah.

Yeah, I did. I don't know, I'm not saying mine's better than anything else, but a little nudger—

it almost feels like an annoyance.

Well, that's the thing, it gives off like you're annoying the shit out of me, and you're—

it almost sounds like nudge.

Yeah, a little nudger. I don't, I don't love it.

I don't love it either.

I don't love it. And it's very—

it—

I felt like this part of, of Breaking Dawn, like this part of any of the books, was really tough to get through.

Yeah, because it's just the same shit.

It's not And this is just me, just my opinion.

That's my opinion.

I enjoyed reading the other ones more. This one's just not— it's a lot of setup, a lot of introducing people, a lot of the same old shit happening.

You're not alone. A lot of people were not into this book, and they were so, so, so excited about it. But they held like parties where they burned the book because they were so pissed off about it, which—

that's wild.

That's like the farthest step to take, I would say.

And it also does absolutely nothing because burning books is cuckoo. Like if you already have the product, why are you burning it?

Here's the— if I don't like it, give it to like Savers. Yeah.

Put it in the littlest library for someone else to buy.

Not for me.

Maybe for you. Yeah. Somebody else will like it. But I think there's a whole contingent of people who love it and that's their right.

That's the thing.

Yeah.

Stephanie herself said that she was like, yeah, I wasn't prepared for like the amount of controversy that this brought. But like, yeah, with anything, especially when you have like a big audience, there's going to be people that love it or people that hate it.

Exactly. Well, and I think the problem with this one was— and it is a real problem, and I think even the people who like it can at least see this problem with it— the character, like, arcs, the character growth, anything that happened, I don't know where any of it went. It all kind of took like a left turn.

That's one of the biggest complaints.

And then Bella, or— I mean, it's Bella, and it's really like the plot in general. All of these these stories, like the— all the, the books, all the movies, everything has been leading up to how life-changing this transformation is going to be. And not just like, whoa, you're gonna be so fast and so hot, it's gonna be awesome, right? Like, it's literally like, you're gonna lose everything, you're sacrificing everything, it's gonna be hard, you're gonna have to learn, you're gonna be in control, and for possibly months on end, you're going to be a homicidal uncontrollable maniac newborn that we're gonna have to like cage at night and like make sure you're not aware.

Literally, like, you killed Bella on multiple occasions.

Vampire for a long time. Yeah, so it's like, we were like, that has been drilled into— Edward made it such a thing that there's no way he could possibly do this to someone else.

Carlisle even made it.

Carlisle made it a thing that this was just— this was not something you want.

Rosalie made it such a thing.

But she gives up, and that's the other thing. Rosalie— Rosalie is a completely different character. Had to give up becoming a biological mother, which is what she wanted to do.

Yep.

And they make it like this— that is her thing, that's her defining characteristic once she tells you that backstory. And then it's like, but Bella doesn't.

No, Bella gets everything.

Bella gets everything she fucking wants with zero consequence.

Baby girl.

Baby girl to the extreme.

Baby girl gets a fucking fully furnished cottage.

Yeah.

And a Ferrari.

Yeah, a Ferrari. But better than that, she maintains her human emotions.

Yep.

She maintains her human desire for Edward, which she was told she would not have.

She doesn't want to eat her dad.

She doesn't want to eat her dad. She's able to She— every newborn is said that they can't even be within like 100 miles of a fucking pumping vein or they're gonna lose their minds.

Bella goes into a dining room full of people to meet like some lawyer dude and is just chilling.

Yeah, or like 5 seconds after she turns— she's turned into a vampire, she comes across a guy scaling the side of a mountain. She goes to eat him and Edward's like, don't do that. And she's like, oh, okay, you're right. And she stops. And he's like, wow, no newborn has ever been able to stop mid-hunt.

Bella's not like other girls.

It's so baby girl. It's so pick-me shit.

Bella is not like other girls.

She's not like other girls and she's not like other vampires, guys. She's different. And it's like she wakes up in full fucking— she wakes up with stilettos.

Bitch, I wish.

Babe.

Where'd they come from?

She wakes up in a new dress.

You know Alice changed her for sure.

Yeah, which is so weird.

It is.

Like, so she's unconscious.

I'm like, did that just like come from the ether?

That's the like, she's burning from within.

Like trapped in her own body, screaming in pain, being filled with venom, paralyzed. And Alice is like, we put it in this beautiful little skirt, it's got a slit up to here. It's like she's just like sliding on some stilettos and doing her makeup.

That's why Bella wakes up with a smoky eye. Imagine having an eternal smoky eye.

Yeah, an eternal smoke. Eternal perfect makeup. So here's the thing, I just feel like extensions.

Yes, for a while I would love not having a morning routine. Like when I get my eyebrows dyed and I have lashes on, I'm like, oh bitch, I don't have to do it. Look at me.

Oh yeah.

And eventually I would miss it. Yeah, cuz I like my morning routine.

Sometimes it's nice to, to get—

I like my little zen time where I do my makeup and I sit in front of my mirror.

Yeah, my mirror.

But imagine like you just— yeah, and like you have all of eternity to do anything you want to fucking do. So what are you supposed to— I mean, I guess you still can, but what's the point? You're already hot. That's the thing.

You don't need to. Yeah. And it's like, she, she doesn't have to work at anything.

No.

She learns how to control her, her powers, like her shield, right away, which it takes other people years. Other people don't even know how to do anything with it. Like, she learns how to control her thirst. She learns how to— like, she's the strongest, she's the fastest, she's the most gorge.

Like, she gets to be a mom.

She gets to be a mom with which, that's the part that like really pisses me off, is they put Rosalie in that like frigid, like, woman who can't have kids. Yeah, like, like the Juno effect, the Jennifer Garner in Juno effect, where she's got to be like a Type A bitch who like is just mean to everybody, tries to control everyone, her husband hates her. Yeah, they put Rosalie similarly in that, obviously like not with Emmett, but, and it's like, and then they just are like, but not Bella. Bella gets to have everything. She gets to be a mommy. And then they have Rosalie be almost this like envious, like strange, I want this to be mine.

Yeah.

So I'm just kind of like vicariously living through you kind of thing, which like is off-putting, which also to me Bella seems to be fucking fine with it, at least in the movie, because that bitch just goes off to fuck. She's totally fine.

She's never with Renesmee.

Had this child and then like, yeah, she was busy for a minute getting turned into a vampire.

For sure, for sure.

I'll give her that, you know.

Yeah, that happens. It's never happened to me, so I can't judge.

Hasn't happened to me, but you know, like, it's a thing. So that— but she wakes up and she says, "Where's Renesmee?" And Edward's like, "You might eat her, so like, we should go eat." I said, "Oh my God, look at your motherly instincts." Yeah, the only time we'll ever see him. The only time. Because immediately upon meeting her, she's like, "Oh my God, she's so beautiful. And look, she just showed me her favorite memory of me, and this is so cute." And she just like tosses You want to leave?

Like, she's just—

she leaves. Here you go, Rosalie. Yeah, take this baby.

First I'm gonna fight Jacob, then I'm gonna go fuck my husband.

And I'd much rather go fuck my new husband, like, in our cottage, than our child. And there's the other thing— Alice. Just—

I don't like it.

Here's the thing, outside of the cottage, gorgeous.

Gorgeous.

You walk in that cottage, to me, I would be furious. At what that looks like on the inside.

There's a lot to talk about, but one thing that I particularly have to talk about from the movie— what was the lighting budget? The sconces? How many fucking sconces?

There's a lot of sconces.

Why were there sconces absolutely everywhere? And then, uh, fucking what's her face, Renesmee's nursery is just full to the brim with everything that you could possibly buy at Pottery Barn.

Yeah, it's just so overstimulating.

They registered for everything and everyone bought it and they shoved it all in that room.

And so she doesn't get to decorate her child's nursery.

She doesn't get to purchase her own home. Yeah, pick where it is, pick what it looks like, anything. She doesn't get to decorate the inside. She doesn't get to choose the 99 sconces that are inside. And she also doesn't even get to pick her own fucking closet. Sick closet that Alice had built. And like, cool to have some clothes in your new closet. Like, totally appreciate, but like, full to the— full to the brim with stuff that Bella wouldn't really wear.

Well, and also, at least the old Bella It is just, in my opinion, the decor in that house. They opened that door and I said, yes, no you didn't.

I'm not a—

diabolically awful.

I'm not a minimalist by any means, but the way that everything was just like, to use your mother-in-law's word, chocker-blocked in there. Yeah, it was all just like, and it's like, it looked like a—

like, I, I just couldn't.

It looks like storage.

The fucking art that was just like art you would find in like a hotel.

Yeah.

No offense to hotel art, but like no personality. And I was also just like, oh, and it wasn't—

it wasn't Bella's vibes in any way.

What is Bella's vibes?

Flannel.

Like, we don't even know what Bella's vibes are. She never picks her own shit.

Yeah, I know, because even people are like painting her room purple.

People are decorating for her. We went the entire series never having any idea what her actual aesthetic is. Yeah, I do not know what her aesthetic is besides that mini cactus she brought from fucking Arizona.

And I think Renee just like shoved that at her face.

I think that's it. I think she was like, here's a mini cactus.

Even her own car, like again, sick to get a car. Yeah, but like she never got to pick, like we don't even know what she would have picked for that.

No.

And again, like she got the truck. Yep. Then she got, I think at some point she gets like a Mercedes from—

Yeah.

Edward in the books. And then in this part, I'm pretty sure she gets the Ferrari.

Yeah.

And it's like, what a— what a fucking—

yeah, seriously.

What a—

I mean, like, poor her.

What a journey.

Yeah, like, she is baby girl from the jump.

She really is.

And I— it's just— it's horrifying.

What else? What's your next book point?

Um, let's see, what's my next—

what's your next Post-it say there?

I have one that says gross.

So let's see, let's see what that's about.

Let's see what that's about. Oh yes, um, when— so when Jacob, in, in Bella's point of view, is explaining to her that like, oh hey, yeah, sorry, I imprinted on your newborn, but it's not romantic. And it's not romantic. It's not romantic. It's not romantic. It's not romantic. Later I am going to ask Edward if I should start calling him Dad, but it's not romantic. It's not romantic. It's not romantic. What the fuck is wrong with you? Lots. What is wrong with you? Lots. And in this one, it's when he's first saying it. And of course, in the book, I gotta give it to Kristen Stewart because in the book it says through my teeth when she said— when she's like, try starting now.

She did. She does it live to a T.

But man, it's something.

Her—

she has like lockjaw.

Yeah, she does. But he says— so she says, you need to stay away from her. And he says, it's not possible. Do you remember how much you wanted to be around me 3 days ago? This is diabolical to me when he's like, it wasn't you, it was her wanting to be around me. And I was like, that's disgusting. I would murder him where he stood, best friend or not. Murder him where he stood.

Also, I thought, and maybe I'm wrong, but I thought that it was like the imprinting thing was much more on the wolf side of things, not the person that they imprint on.

That's what they—

that's what has been established, correct?

Yeah.

So like, I don't think that really has anything to do with anything.

Non-consensually fucking tied to life for this to this random wolf that's decided that they are now part of their life.

Well, and if you ask, if you ask the Loremaster herself, it's not non-consensual. It's just, why wouldn't you want buff?

Why wouldn't you?

But still, but like, that just— that piece right there doesn't make sense. Like, oh, you couldn't be away from me? It's like, no, she didn't have any desire for you.

She's also a fetus at that point. So yeah, no, she wasn't, she wasn't, uh, wanting to be with you then. And he even says he— so she's like, what the fuck are you implying? And he says That was her from the very beginning. We had to be together even then.

Oh my God, I would literally— What did I write? I think I wrote something about this because when she, uh, literally just wrote gross when she confronts him in the thing. Hold on, let me find it.

The way he just says it's not romantic and it's not like that 100 times during the movie too and the book, it's like, methinks thou dost protest too much, and then you really tell on yourself later.

Not me desperately looking for this note. All it says is, "Beat his ass, mama." Beat his ass, mama.

And honestly, beat his ass, mama.

Beat his ass, mama.

When she beats the shit out of him out there, I was like, "Let's go. Yeah, party." Because even in this too, when they go to visit Charlie and Sue for Christmas—

Are you talking about the book or the movie?

Both.

Okay.

He gives her a promise bracelet.

That's what that is.

Yup. In the book, she says, "On her wrist was an intricately braided Quileute version of a promise ring." That's word for word what she says in the book.

And in the book, she's like 2.

She's technically, I think, been around for 4 months. So she's about 4 months old.

But that's the thing. In the book, she only gets to about 2 years old. In the movie, they make her age so much more rapidly. So he gave an infant a promise ring.

He gave a child.

I'd slaughter his ass.

Like a literal promise. And then so she's like, yeah, and like Edward had to like grit his teeth on that one. Oh, he did?

Grit your teeth?

Oh no. Oh, the father of the infant that Jacob the adult has now promised marriage to gritted his teeth through that one?

Even when he says like, and it's at the end of the movie, but he says like, should I start calling you dad? I said jump into the nearest bog and allow it to consume you, Jacob.

Literally.

Allow it to consume you.

Allow nature to reclaim you because— and also Edward should have beat his— I would have watched in glee if Edward, Robert Pattinson, had beat the shit out of Jacob.

At least something would have happened. Something should have happened there because also it's the other thing is so like obviously we said in the book she gets to be about 2, like I just said that, and then in the movie like once you ultimately find out what happens with like vampire-human hybrids, it's like By the time she's 7, she'll be full grown, so she'll look like an adult, but she'll be 7 years old. And I'm like, Jacob, what's your plan there?

Yeah, well, it's not because she's gonna look like an adult.

Are you gonna date the 7-year-old, or are you gonna wait a few, like, you know, 7 more years?

It's not romantic.

Or more than 7, that was bad quick math.

I mean, ask his friend there about fucking Claire. No, the 2-year-old.

That scene lives on in my brain.

A human, so is going to age much slower and he's just gonna wait around.

So weird.

That's the other thing, it's gross.

Wait, did we talk about this last time? Do the werewolves like stop aging? They stop aging at a certain—

they do, yeah. They age like real—

he's not gonna be like a 54-year-old man while—

no, but he's gonna be around for like 54, like he's gonna be around for a long time, like mentally that long, watching her turn 3 and 4 and 5 and shit her pants and like go through all her milestones and go to kindergarten and then eventually be like, now we can date. That's fucked up, Stephanie.

Also, I'm sorry, it's like against her lore too still.

And that's the other thing, it's like the only thing that, that Bella says to Jacob is just like, oh my God, everybody's right, you smell like shit.

That's crazy.

So they're just gonna be together and half of her is gonna think he smells like shit all the time? Like, and like her ancestors hate him? Make that make sense. I would never be with a man if I was like, damn, half the time I think you smell like absolute ass.

I think you smell like shit.

I can't.

I literally cannot. Cannot with that. The imprinting shit—

It's fucked.

—goes beyond anything I can ever conceive of. I really can't. Yeah. There's a point too where in the book, when they're meeting, when Charlie's coming over, Edward tells Renesmee, Like, somebody's coming over and we want you to meet them and you can't bite him because he doesn't heal like Jacob does. Okay. Implying that she bites Jacob a lot. And then she goes, "Can I still bite Jacob?" And he's like, "Yeah, you can still bite Jacob." And I'm like, so Jacob's just letting her gnaw on him? Like, what's this about?

I don't like it. Why are we doing this?

Because like a normal infant, you don't let them gnaw on you. No. That's not— No. So why are we letting her gnaw on the guy who has imprinted on her?

I mean, Edward is probably hoping that she gnaws on an artery. Truly. You know?

But I'm like, that's weird. I don't like that.

I don't want to think too deeply about that personally.

I don't like that at all. Steph, you're weird for that. I'm sorry, Steph, but you're weird for that. That shit is weird as hell. You're fucking weird for that.

Can we talk about Charlie a bit since you were just kind of talking about that?

Yeah, because you know what? Yeah, tell me. I'm sorry, what? But she's like, she's like, Dad, here I am. Uh, gorgeous. No, I didn't die. Um, I'm, I'm probably gonna be— I know I look 25 now. Um, I'm gonna stay this way forever. Here's my 7-year-old child that, um, is my niece I've had in the span of about 2 months. Um, and you can't ask me anything about any of this. Yeah, okay. And he's just like, what the fuck? And at first he's like, what? And then he's like, okay, I'm just gonna go with this. No, duh. No, no siree, Bob. If my kid tells me— no siree, Bob— if my kid says you cannot ask me questions, I'm gonna say, I have a question. Yeah, here's my first question. I have a list. No, you're not telling me that. You're not telling me I can't ask questions, especially when you are literally sitting here looking at me with a whole 25-ass year-old face, telling me you're immortal and here's your 7-year-old child. You're not going to say, "And don't ask questions." Go fuck yourself. It's real fucked up.

Like, go fuck yourself. And also, like, the baby is supposed to be adopted but looks just like Bella, because they CGI'd Bella's face on the baby. Oh my God, can we talk about the CGI baby? How can we get through this episode and not?

The CGI baby is what nightmares are made of. And the behind— when you look at that fucking crazy-ass baby, Yeah, that they used, like that crazy ass, like in between the baby and the, the older kid. Yeah, that is a cursed object. Like, that's 100%. Why anyone thought that was okay? That had to pass by so many people.

You know they had fun with that. You know they were like, they had to. Do you love it? And like, Steph was like, yeah, yeah.

No way did anyone who had anything to do with this movie go, this is gonna be fine, like, or this is not gonna be talked about. She's like, hazy.

She's like hazy around the edges. She's uncanny valley. She's absolutely—

she looks at times, she looks like a killer clown from outer space.

Her head is a little too—

like, her head took a minute to hit. She does. Like, she literally looks like—

are you about to pull up a killer clown?

I'm going to. I just forgot everything I was gonna No, I mean, like, she really does at times look like one.

Well, I was gonna say also her head is like too small, and also she's like— and her mouth is so wide. And babies are small, like, yeah, like some of them, but babies be small. This one is like so small and hazy and killer clouds are out her face.

She's so small and hazy. Eden's holding up a killer cloud from out her face. Like, tell me that's not Renesmee.

It's actually like cuter than Renesmee, to be honest.

It's the big mouth. That's her.

Those milky snow teeth.

Those milky snowy— snowy milk teeth. Snowy milk—

why does that feel like it would smell bad? Snowy milk teeth. It's like, bleh, that's disgusting. I hate it.

But one of my next notes just says Well, let's see if Bella eats her dad. I love how they were just like, we'll just put—

Charlie was used as full-on bait at that point.

Also, like 10 minutes before, or like 20 minutes before he meets Bella, Jacob in the movie just drives over to his house, starts stripping, and he's like, Jacob, please put your clothes on. Like, what are you doing? And then he— Jacob, like you said, we were watching, and Elena was like, he could have just said like, hey, I'm about to change into a wolf, and Charlie wouldn't like bullshit, and then he would have changed into a wolf. Yeah, you got to give him a little warning. He doesn't give him any warning and then just phases. I'm like, Charlie's an old man who regularly drinks beer. He's going to have a heart attack. He's also the fucking sheriff in Forks, wherever.

I almost just said Nebraska. Forks, Nebraska.

Forks, Washington. That's canon.

But I'm like, goddamn, you're going to kill this man. Yeah, we need him in Nebraska. We can't lose the sheriff. Goddamn.

Of Nebraska. I'm like, first you do that. Then he shows up and sees his daughter, who's like never really looked that good before, and he's like, why are you looking so fast, Edward? Why are you looking so great, girly? Like, wow, Swedish resort did you some good.

Near death really did you well.

Fuck, that's crazy, you came back. Holy shit, better than ever. And then he sees this fucking killer clown from outer space baby and is like, is your niece baby? Why has it got your eyes?

Why has it got your eyes?

Why is your poor fucking Charlie— oh my God. But it's also, it's just insane that she doesn't even— because in the movie, I don't know what happens in the book, I forget, but like they hug for 42 minutes on screen and she's not even like, oh yeah, she's not even like, I want to eat him. It's not even like she hears his heart beating or anything because she's not like other girls.

She's not like other vampires. She's really not. She's better than all of us and everyone. Yeah.

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In the book too, like especially in the book, but they do in the movie too, when she first turns into a vampire, she like— they keep talking about how like she has to— like she's not— she, she doesn't breathe, you know, like when you're a vampire you don't breathe. But she keeps talking about how she still is breathing in times when she would breathe. But like, you wouldn't because it's an involuntary reflex. That's the thing. It's an involuntary thing. You're not like, I'm not actively trying to breathe right now.

Sometimes if I think too much about the fact that I have to breathe, I have to breathe a lot.

But she'll be like, I was so— I was nervous, so I took like a breath inside, like a deep breath in, even though I didn't need to. Yeah, I'm like, you wouldn't. No, because you would just like float on. We'd all float on, you know, modest mouse. And we'll all float on, all right. Yeah, like you wouldn't just do that. Yeah. And she also describes, um, in the book, which they don't really— they don't do this in the, in the movie, but they talk about how she said her voice is like, it sings. She had a sing-song voice. So she was like, I couldn't answer the phone and talk to Charlie because he wouldn't, he wouldn't recognize my voice. And all I could think of, the way they did that— Stephanie describes it as like a sing-song voice, a singing voice.

Was her being like, "Hello, Father." Is that what we mean? What do we mean by a singing voice? Hello, Father. Oh my God.

I'm literally fucking dying. I don't understand.

Good morning, Charlie. I have survived. It's me, Bella. I'm back from my Swiss getaway. You'll never believe how I look.

She also, during that same kind of shit, she— something that's so annoying in the book is they have to make sure you know that she knows exactly how many seconds it takes everything, everybody to do everything. And I was like, what? Because she'll be like, and it took me 5/8 of a second to, to turn my head and go into the corner, and it took him 15 seconds to walk from here to there. Yep. And it's like, why did she suddenly develop the skills of a casino card counter? Like, why is she— why is she like running the blackjack tables all of a sudden? Why is she banned from Foxwoods?

Since when? You're gonna kill me. From— I think I might have just peed a little. Oh my God, I'm crying. I just didn't know that was a trait that happens. Just no one talks about it. Why is she banned from falling Why did that hit so hard? I have to stop, I'm going to pee my pants.

I'm literally crying at you laughing. I'm literally crying.

I'm sobbing. Like, people say they're sobbing, but I'm sobbing. I am sobbing. I'm truly sobbing.

I don't even know what I was going to say last. Why did you ban from Fox Whiskers Crazy? I'll never be past that.

I'm like actively trying not to pee my pants. Why?

Why did she develop that skill? I don't know. And they never, they never do—

like, they don't touch upon it.

She can also read from really far away too. Oh my God, that's the thing.

I would have a constant migraine if I was a vampire. 'Cause they're so sensory overload.

They're astute. I would lose my goddamn mind.

But with the way she's just fucking— She's just running the tables. I was like, whoa.

Well, she can't pee now. She can't. She'll have to try Mohican Sun. I think if you're banned from one thing, you're probably banned from the other thing.

You're banned from both. Owegan Sun doesn't want your ass.

There's that other one in Rentham.

You got caught at Foxwoods, you can't. Oh my God, fuck.

Oh, I was also saying, I don't even know how to transition away from that, but so what, like Arena like rolls up? Yeah, in the book she's hunting, right? Yeah, she sees, uh, yeah, Renesmee. In the movie, Renesmee is just like floating in there capturing snowflakes for some fucking reason, and Arena sees her and she's like, oh goddamn, yeah, I gotta go tell everybody. But then so Alice sees everybody coming. Yeah. Names them all. I'm also like, okay, so now— and then Alice decides to leave. Yeah. She's like, bye. And she's like, I'm dealing with it. Nobody really knows why at first. No. But I was like, it's wild that they're— and oh, because everybody's going to get killed. Yeah. So I'm like, it's wild that there's no resentment toward Bella and Edward in this family. Like every year they have a new problem and the entire family is expected to bail them out of it.

That's— it's so true.

I would hate my family members.

And it's like, this is the entire This is the vampire government. Yeah. And they are constantly up in their business. Like, they're just always, always coming to get them, always. Or they gotta come to them. They're always dealing with them. And in that same scene when she's catching the snowflakes and she brings one over to Bella and she's like, look, I caught a snowflake. No fucking shit. I am not being hyperbolic at all. Kristen Stewart looks at that child and goes, It's beautiful. Go get me another one.

And I was like, go on, get— whoa, get out of here.

And she's like, okay. And I was like, do you like that?

No, that's the other thing. There is no maternal connection on screen. And like, maybe there's like a hint of a paternal connection, but a hint. You don't even see them with Renesmee all that much.

No, you really don't. You see— honestly, watching her with Rosalie, you're That's your mama. Yeah, like, that's— she's playing with you. Go to her, babe. She seems to like your face. Like, it's crazy.

She does. It's her killer clown face.

Your killer clown face. And one of the other things, just to go back to when she first turns into, uh, a vampire and she wakes up and she's like, whoa, look at how hot I am. She, in the book, talks about her flat, empty stomach over and over again. Just gave birth, just became a vampire, and she's like, flat stomach, my flat stomach, my flat stomach.

And I'm like, okay, okay, not just bleeding out everywhere like a pregnant lady.

I realize she's a vampire, so things work a little different, but I'm like, do we really need to talk— like, does it have to be like flat stomach, flat stomach, flat stomach, flat stomach? Because then she's like, my flat empty stomach, like there was no baby in there anymore. And it's like, okay, like, she's here. Do you want to go meet her? It's like, it's almost cooler.

You can, you can hang now. Yeah, I love— go get you more snowflakes.

I loved being pregnant. I loved my babies being in my belly, but like, it was It was really cool to have them outside of my belly as well.

It's like, I want to hang out, let's go.

And no, I wasn't like, look at this flat stomach. It was like, oh, I still look pregnant.

I don't think many women who have given birth are like, oh my God, my stomach's so flat again. Oh my God. I'm like, I think you're all just like, you know, going through the motions.

Also, they, they are so— it's the way they discuss and deal with sex in this movie in particular. Juvenile. Is juvenile as fuck. It is, because of course they have to run off and have lots of sex without their newborn child. They can, even though they have a newborn child that neither one of them knows. I'm like, hey, you should probably bond with that kid. Try bonding with that kid for like a minute.

Just give it a— give it a shot.

Yeah, just give it a shot, because you know also that they're going to age rapidly. Yeah, and this stage is going to be gone in 7 minutes.

Not only that, in the beginning they don't know how long she's going to live.

Yeah, so they're like, she's going to age so rapidly, she's going to die like next week. Yeah, But then also, like, and especially in the book, when they come back from the cottage, the whole Cullen crew is like giggling and being like, did you break the cottage down because you fucked so much? Like, isn't that so funny? You guys were touching each other last night. Like, one of them is like, were you doing taxes? And it's like, they're—

I'm like, are you all all right?

Like, in the movie, it's hundreds of years and you haven't developed any sense of decorum around people fucking? No, they think it's the funniest.

Like, goddamn. In the movie, Emmett is like, did you break everything?

Yeah, it's Are you all right? Like, ew. In what family— maybe I'm crazy— what family is openly discussing that and being like, not mine, babe, not mine. The fuck? And then they're, they're getting, you know, uh, when, when they do have Charlie over, one of the things that was so annoying was when they're trying to train her to like be a human again, even though she was a human 4 minutes ago. Oh yeah, I'm like, you forgot already? Yeah, but They're like, okay, you have to move slow. And they're like, get up and walk over to that chair. And she like zooms over to the chair.

And I was like, fuck you, don't walk at a normal pace.

You've been walking totally normal. Yeah. Why can you suddenly not do it? And then they're like, and you have to remember to breathe. I was like, don't worry, she read the book. She's remembering to breathe. And they're like, and blink. Do that. Blink. And all those things too. I was like, here's the thing. I never notice how much somebody breathes. No. I don't think I would notice if somebody wasn't breathing.

The only thing I think I would notice is if they weren't blinking. I think that would freak me out.

I think eventually I would notice that. Yeah. But the breathing thing, I wouldn't clock that probably. If they were talking to me, I would assume they were breathing. Yeah. So, yeah. I was like, that's weird. I did see a behind the scenes thing. Speaking of them like moving really fast of how they do that sometimes, at least in this movie. That took me out. They attach them to treadmills. Yeah. And they run in place on the treadmill and then that treadmill is attached to something else that is like a car moving.

That would also, I think, make me like very ill.

I feel like that would fuck me up.

Running and then also being pulled at the same time. Like, yeah, stationary running and being pulled would feel real fucking weird.

That would feel real weird. You gotta—

you guys gotta find that video though, because it will take you out.

Yeah, I'll find it. I'll see if we can post it because it is too funny. Yeah. Um, but yeah, it's— so there's that whole thing, and then Of course, the Volturi is coming because we got Irina being a bitch. Yep. I still say Arrow for life. The way he laughs. We get the laugh of all laughs in this one. Oh my God, it is— We watch it twice every time. I watched it 4 times this week. At least twice in a row. You got to rewind it and listen to it again. He's lovely. I love him. He's great. He also has really good hair. Yeah, I just think he wins. He's my favorite character ever in the entire series. Yeah, he's wonderful. They still talked about, and they brought it to this one. So like we were talking about in like the Illustrated Guide, uh, TM, that, uh, they do a lot of into like the immortal children. Yeah, like, you know, everybody was obsessed with them, but then they were so diabolically crazy and they would just like destroy villages. And I was like, is it my youngest? Super, super cute, diabolical.

Said, been there, done that.

I was like, ah, but they really go into it in this part. And the way they talk about them, they just cannot stop saying how beautiful they are. And it's like, it just makes it weird because it's like, it's not— they never just put it as like, well, they're children, so they're innocent. And you have this like, just so cute and sweet. People like automatically, for the most part, if you have a soul, have some kind of like connection, connection, or some kind of like need to want to protect an innocent being, you know, like that's That is how it should be. But they keep being like, they're so beautiful. People would fall all over. They're just so beautiful. Yeah, they don't use appropriate language. And I'm like, it's weird.

You don't like— obviously, like when somebody first has a baby, you're like, oh my God, they're beautiful. Yeah, look at them. But then a lot of the times you shift to like, adorable. Yeah, huge, like sweet little babe.

And it's just like the defining characteristic.

I also think because you already have the weird fucking imprinting going on, And then you bring it to a place of like everybody is obsessed with beautiful vampire babies. It's like we're talking too much about children here and it's really fucking weird.

We're getting weird with like looking at kids and there's weird boundaries that are being crossed.

Yeah, I don't love it.

Yeah. What I do love though is that the Volturi, they're just walking for so long. Yeah. Like in the movie you're just like, wow, they're just walking.

I also love that they're just running like a talent monopoly. Yeah, I love that because they really want Alice. So like they'll kill the whole Cullen family just to get Alice. Oh yeah.

Like that I love that Arrow, he's a collector at heart. Yeah, you know, like he's just a collector, period. And he loves what he does, and he's like, I don't care if it takes a long time.

And from the jump, he's wanted people that, like, illustrate God TM. He's wanted special people. Who doesn't want to be around special people? Exactly. I don't want to be around a bunch of bores. That's what I'm saying.

Like Marcus, because Marcus, I think, can like, um, what can he do? He can like, can he feel everybody's feelings? I think he can. I think he can like figure out like feelings. I'll have to look it up. Let me see. I'll relationship identification.

Oh, so he can find like emotional bonds. Yeah. And like strengths and weaknesses.

Right away, which is really good to have. Yeah. And when, um, when they first like got together in Arrow and they were like forming the Volturi— we talked about this before, but it comes up kind of subtly in this one. Yeah. That he, Marcus, fell in love with Arrow's sister, Dadim. And she, like, they fell in love with each other. Yep. And, um, I guess when, you know, like, Marcus was like, we should run away together and let's just be together, because they were like literally in love and just wanted a nice life together. But Arrow was so scared of losing Marcus's gift that he had his own sister murdered. Yeah, which is— do that. I will say is a stain on Arrow, you know.

Yeah, we have to acknowledge—

I will acknowledge that, that he murdered his own sister. But in this one, when the battle, quote unquote, is happening, and Vladimir and Stefan, who I fucking love infinitely.

Hilarious. I love them. I love them. I love them.

I love them. Uh, we don't care what you did, Carlisle.

Carlisle.

And they, they like rush at him and are like, we're gonna rip him apart. He holds his arms out and just says, finally, because he's— because he just wants to be with Dedim. Oh, I thought that was beautiful.

He also looks like handsome Squidward. He does look like handsome Squidward.

I just He's a whole vibe and I love him. Yeah, I like him too.

Remember we said it always looked like he was farting in the first time we met him? Looked like he had immense gas pains. It always did.

He needed this to be released somehow. When he's sitting in a chair, he struggles.

Yeah, he struggles. Gas will do that to you.

Yeah, it's not great. But also, like, there's— this is just a little side thing because of course in this one we meet a ton of other vampire clans and like covens. We meet fucking Rami Malek. We meet Rami Malek before he was like really Rami Malek.

I wrote, Rami Malek, what the fuck are you doing here?

What are you doing here? And I think he— I'm trying to remember. He in the book, I believe— He's Benjamin. Yeah. And I want to say, like, because they're the Egyptian Kevin. Yes. In that one, none of them will touch Renesmee at first. Oh, but he's really sweet with her in the movie. He's really sweet with her, like, right away. Yeah. And he's the one that's like, fuck y'all, I want to hear this. Yeah, um, he's a fun character. I like him. And, um, I think it's fun to meet all these other ones, but I think we don't get enough time with them. We don't. I would have loved to get more time with the different covens interacting with— you get like kind of like a mishmash.

Well, and I feel like the perfect way to have done that was to introduce us to more of them like during the wedding festivities.

Yeah, because you're just kind of throwing them all at us. Yeah, that's—

and it when you're introducing me to that many people, no, I'm not gonna remember all.

No, like, because like we meet like Garrett, who's like the forever bachelor. Yeah. And then he meets Kate from the Denali Clan, I think it is. Yep. And he like says some shit about her, like, because she has that like electrical—

yeah, she can zap like voltage that she'll do.

I was gonna say she can zap your ass. She can zap your ass. And he makes like some comment like, it must not be that strong. And she zaps it, like she literally She assault— like, within one second of being assaulted by her, he's like, this is it, we're, we're never leaving each other's side. Which I was like, I, I want to see them more. Like, I was like, I— because that was weird. And then all of a sudden they're just together and they're like, I will never leave your side. And she's like, you tell me now. And I was like, during the battle happen. Like, I was like, dude, bring me that. Yeah, cuz to be honest, I'm sick of Bella and Edward. I don't need to see that shit anymore. And I certainly don't need to see Jacob and Renesmee.

So Bella and Edward have no fucking romantic connection.

They just don't. And you know what? What? We're going to talk about that. Let's talk about it for one second. Oh, I know where you're headed. So first of all, they— I did have not read all of Midnight Sun, but I have— it's a big book— I have scanned through, and I did note, because when the Irish vampire showed up, I said, oh, I know the Irish vampires. I know Siobhan over there.

Yeah, girl, you said, I remember her.

I said, I remember Siobhan, and I remember Siobhan because Edward in Midnight Sun fucking thirsts after Siobhan in a way he never does with Bella. Yeah. And if you go to Sarah Gallagher, who we've shouted out before on TikTok, she wrote the Why We Love to Hate Twilight. She's so funny. And she goes really deeply into all these things. She has touched upon this before too, so go watch her videos for sure. Um, but in Midnight Sun, I went back and I was looking And first of all, when he first meets Siobhan, it's the first vampire he's met, like, after, I think, like, being turned. And he first calls her the largest woman he's ever seen.

No woman wants to hear that.

Which, like, wow, Edward.

You better get a different pickup line, my babe.

Yeah. And she is also the only, like, curvy gal that is ever explained in the Twilight universe. I think everybody else is just like, you know, slim and trim. And that's a direct quote. He says, "Broader shoulders, thicker limbs." And I was like, do, do we need to? Okay. And he says— then she— he says, she was profoundly female in shape. Aggressively, forcefully female.

What does that mean? Because that's not the only time that Steph loves to say somebody's like aggressively female or feminine. Yeah, he says it, uh, it's written in Jacob's point of view about, I think, Rosalie and Esme. Yes. It's like What does that mean? Yeah, I said, I was like, is she like spraying perfume in his eyes?

Yeah, let's go pick flowers in a field. I love pink. Like, what does that mean?

Like, obviously stereotypes, but like, what?

Yeah, that's, and that's what I mean. It feels stereo— it's like, what does that mean? Yeah, aggressively, aggressively crazy, forcefully female, forcefully. And then he says, it had been another lifetime that I had last noticed a woman this way. Goddamn. And then he said, I found, I found I was hard pressed to know where to put my eyes. Her face, because then he locks on her face and he says her face was intensely female. So her body is aggressively and forcefully female. Her face intensely female. Such female. In case you wanted to know, he's assuming she's female by what he is seeing here. Got it. He says her eyes were enormous, but they were beautiful. Okay. Thick eyelashes, glossy hair, he explains it as, bitch, and curvy lips.

Curvy lips? Aren't everybody's lips curvy? Hers were curvier.

Curvier. He also talks about how she was wearing just like this, like nothing of a dress, and it's just like showing all her curves, and he was fucking smitten. He was in it to win it. And then another woman comes up next to her, another vampire, And of course he calls her a female as well, which I— for some reason the term female gets like irks me.

I'm always turned off by that. It just sounds like me, especially when a man calls a woman female.

Like, I don't know. And he talks about the other female coming next to her and he says coming next to the larger female. Jesus Christ, do we— is that how we're really comparing people?

If you want to love her, you better learn how to talk about her body.

And he says, well, the first female was the, like, you know, the picture of, of like having everything, like extra everything. He said this one was the picture of lack, just nothing. And I was like, what an asshole you are.

He was singing that Meghan Trainor song. He was like, I'm all about that bitch.

Oh my God, he would have, he would have loved her during that era.

What does she say? Like, the mother skinny bitches could die or something. I hope she doesn't say that.

That's a direct quote verbatim from the song.

The lyrics It's not stalker insane. They're wild.

That's Edward's point of view, right? That's Edward. He said, "I'm all about that bass. No treble." No treble. No, because treble lacks. Yeah. But so there's that. That's how he saw Siobhan.

Now let's talk about how he felt about Bella.

Then he's sitting there because in Midnight Sun, it's from his point of view. So he starts— everybody's talking about the new girl coming to school. Yep. And he thinks of Bella. And he sees her face in everyone's mind. He can see her. He knows what she looks like. And he says she's, and I quote, "an ordinary human girl." Nothing would take me out like the love of my life calling me an ordinary girl. At one point, he says, despite her ordinary, again, unthreatening appearance, she was actually, quote, "sort of pretty for a human." Sort of pretty for a human. In an unusual way. And then he says her face was, quote, unexpected.

Is this a roast?

He says her narrow chin off balance with her wide cheekbones. Oh, extreme in the coloring, like dark hair, light skin.

He said high contrast.

Then he says, then there were those eyes too big for her face. Now I want you to directly contrast that to him saying that Siobhan's eyes were enormous, but they were gorgeous. Like, he was into it.

He said, these, they don't work on her face.

And the way he talks about her fucking clothing in Midnight Sun with Siobhan, he's like, she wore like nothing.

It was like a little dress. It was nothing.

There was— I could see everything. And then with, with Bella, he's like, she wore this fucking frumpy-ass sweater. Oh, he calls it the ugly sweater. He's happy she wore it because he's like, I can't see anything. So it's probably good that I can't see anything in this front, this jumble of clothes, essentially.

He doesn't want to see what she's got.

Yeah, he only likes it when he can see her goddamn clavicle because he loves a clavicle.

He just wants to eat it.

Yeah, he loves a clavicle.

Oh my God. But yeah, imagine, imagine Bella reading Midnight Sun. Yeah. And being like, like at the end of the movie, she's like, I want to show you how much I love you.

He's like, don't touch me.

And he's like, oh my God, he's like, if it will show you my first memories of you, do not fucking touch me.

He throws a copy of Midnight Sun away. He's like, I don't have any memories.

He starts burning them all.

Yeah, he's like, I don't remember anything about what I thought about you. I've always loved you.

What are you talking about?

Just sitting there and you watch the movie and you're like, you just like the way she smelled. Yeah. And you didn't even kind of.

No, he actually hated the way he smelled.

It repulsed you, but she tastes good, I think, or you knew she tastes good. I think she's a singer.

Yeah, because I don't even know if he was like repulsed by the way she smelled or if he was just like trying not to smell her because he was like, oh my God.

And I think he's just bad at not looking repulsed. Yeah. But yeah, like, that is— that was pretty crazy. So when I saw Siobhan come on the scene, I said, we gotta take a look at that. Yeah, nothing happens in the movie. No, they don't even touch upon it. Oh, that could have been a fun little— and what's weird is they make it like, um, what was the girl that in the— remember in the last movie she was like a little jealous of because they like— she liked Edward and Edward like—

yeah, I, for some reason I thought it was Irina, but I think so. I hope not.

Yeah, I don't think it was Irina. Oh, Tanya. Is it Tanya? Tanya is Irina's sister. Yeah, I think it is one of them. So like he loved his cousin because I think they're only cousins, but like by like vampirism, you know what I mean? But like, still, that's—

but I think you shouldn't put that label on Tanya. Is it?

Let's see. I think it is Tanya, because remember, like, Bella describes her in the most like anti-woman way in the world. She's like, she's so disgustingly pretty, she made my stomach sick and I wanted to kill her.

Tanya had a crush on Edward in the past. Yeah, and they—

I think they wanted them to get together. Like, that was part of the But I think he was never interested. Yeah, he wasn't interested. Yeah, that's what it is, because she was also a— she wasn't Siobhan. So there was that. And it's like, they touch upon that in the movies, but they just pretended Siobhan didn't exist. Yeah, but she's like— but it's pretty big thing, and like, it's a moment in Midnight Sun. So it's like, really, why wouldn't you touch upon that? I think that would have been fucking interesting, because to be quite honest, for all they've built up with Bella and Edward The emotional payoff of that relationship— there isn't— was nothing happened. Yeah. And hey, do you want to watch a quick little movie trailer of our best hits?

That—

and then she also says, and I said, fuck you, girl. She said, nobody has ever loved anybody as much as I wanted to fight her. You don't know my fucking life. I said, fuck you. You don't know anything about me in the way I love. You can't even say that. You don't know everybody.

Yeah, Bella, you're being very disingenuous.

And guess what? He doesn't love you as much as you love him. How about that? One thing—

it's true, just read Midnight Sun, babe. Funny. And one, one last thing that I loved during the battle was how— because like Kais, who's, uh, Jamie Lynn— or Jamie Lynn Bauer— Jamie Campbell Bauer, who plays Vecna on Stranger Things, uh, I— it's so funny because he just does not want to let this go. He's like, I just want to fuck shit up. Yeah, which is very Vecna. And also when they're like, you know, he's like, he's not an immortal child. And we're like, Arrow's like, we're not gonna break laws and kill that child because it's not an immortal child. And he's like, I feel like we can though. I feel like we could kill that immortal. Let's kill the kid. Let's figure out a way to kill that kid. I'm like, Vecna's just like in every universe just out here killing kids. Like, he's like, let me kill a kid. He's typecast. Jamie Campbell Bower is just out here being like, let me kill a kid.

Typecast as a kid killer. That's great.

Truly. That's great. I was like, damn. He's just across universes doing the same shit.

It's wild. The biggest thing that I hate about the battle, and I said it at the very beginning but I have to say it again, is I just hate that Alice shows up and every— in like in the movie—

oh, here's the other thing I actually want to talk about this.

Hold on, let me get to my, my good thing here. So in the, in the book they just have a conversation, like the battle that happens on screen where like Carlisle dies and I think Oh yeah, like, like everybody dies. Basically, like, a lot of Cullens die. That doesn't happen in the book. So this is directly from Stephenie Meyer's website. She says, the question which I got frequently was how I felt about having a big change inserted into the story during the final climax. My answer was that it didn't feel like such a huge departure. What, Steph? A whole battle ensues and multiple Cullens die? She said, for me, this moment already happened in the book.

However, no, it literally didn't.

However, we don't get to see it in all its exciting and gory detail because we're seeing the world only through Bella's eyes. Babe, I feel like we're not seeing it because you didn't fucking write it in the book. But she says, she goes on, a few of the reporters I talked to wanted to know where in the book this moment was hidden because much like Ashkel, they were confused. Much like everybody. They were like everyone who read the book. They said no, no, it wasn't in there.

I, I read it wasn't there.

She says the answer is page 738, fourth paragraph down. Aro stared into my eyes for a long tense moment. I had no idea, uh, no idea what he was searching for or what he found, but after he had measured me for that moment, something in his face changed, a faint shift in the set of his, uh, mouth and eyes, and I knew that Aro had made his decision. Stephanie, where are all of the Cullens killed in that? Stephanie, where's the battle where everybody's heads are ripped off and the earth is split into two and everybody dies?

Because also, isn't the whole thing in the movie that it's Alice who's like, here's your future? Yes. But then he's doing it to Bella in the book, and Bella, like, his whole power is he can like see every thought you've had. Yeah. That doesn't make any sense.

No, because in the book they're just talking. Exactly.

And her— that wouldn't even work. Like, she doesn't have the ability to show him the future either way. No. I guess good, good try on that one.

Also, the weird thing about the ending of the movie, and I don't know if it happens similarly in the book, is that, uh, fucking Bella like touches Edward to show him like this movie of their whole 3 years of life together. That's Renesmee's gift.

Bella's gift is shield. Yeah, I guess she can lower the shield and she just didn't know that.

She can lower the shield and like give people memories.

Yeah, and she's figured it out. Okay, she was like, oh my God, you could have seen this shit for like ever, but I just didn't know I could lower it. But I figured it out because I'm such a good vampire. I hate it here. It's the way that there are no stakes. It's just like the way that the stakes are completely done.

So anticlimactic. Yeah, because the, the climax isn't real. No. And again, nothing pisses me off more. Nothing. Yeah, I remember, I think I watched this for the first time when I was young and I was like, oh my God, I'm sure relieved that Carlisle doesn't die. Yeah, I watched this as an adult and I, I completely— yeah, forgot everything. So I walked into this and I was like, wow, I don't remember any of this. Yeah. And then we got to the battle and I was like, oh, none of this is real. I do remember that.

And I was pissed because it really— and it makes sense to do it for the movie, but like like Aiden was saying it earlier, that it completely has no rewatchability with the way they presented this twist. No, because like, spoiler alert for The Sixth Sense if you haven't heard that one, honey, you haven't seen it. But when you find out the twist in that movie, you go, whoa, and it blows your mind, just like this battle scene blew everyone's mind. Yeah, because when it twists out, you're like, oh my God, like, holy shit. But with The Sixth Sense, the thing that makes that different is then you go, oh shit, you go, I'm gonna rewatch that again. And now suddenly I'm noticing all the things that, that actually like the evidence that supports what I just saw in that twist, right? And it's actually crazy to rewatch. And every time you rewatch it, you see a new little thing that you're like, oh my God, in that, like that thing. This has nothing. No. So it's like that twist stood alone with nothing to give it like the rewatchability of like, oh, I'm gonna watch that again and see if I can like catch it here.

No, because as somebody who literally just said I rewatched it and I literally got to the battle and was pissed, I was like, oh right, this doesn't happen. So why— what's the point of even watching it if it doesn't happen? That's— yeah, you know what, like, like it doesn't have a rewatchability. It's like getting on a roller coaster and they just let you sit there for 5 minutes and then they're like, oh my God, wasn't that the most thrilling roller coaster? And you're like, No, because it didn't go.

And you want it like, at the end of it, you're just like, everything just kind of fizzled out. Which, like, I know, trust me, I know, writing an ending, hardest thing you're gonna have to do. Yeah, it's not easy. I will never say it's easy. And sometimes it just doesn't come out. Yeah, but this one just felt like, that's the ending? Like, you didn't want to give any kind of stakes, no drama, nothing that was gonna leave somebody like, oh fuck, that happened. You know what I mean? Like, you don't there's not a lot to talk about with the ending because, well, it all just wrapped up in a bow. It did.

And the biggest, the biggest like fear they're facing is like, oh my God, they're not only gonna kill our child but all of us. But like, the child being killed is the biggest thing here. In the end of the movie, it literally ends with Bella and Edward. Where the fuck is Renesmee? Yeah, you're not clinging on to her like, oh my God. And also, yeah, not only did she not die, but you also find out like that guy— what's the guy's name that Alice goes to get to prove that like a mortal—

oh yeah, it's, uh Because of the H. Yeah, they just bring him out and they're like, hey, look at this, he's an immortal child, or not an immortal child. Oh no, Nahul.

Nahul. Oh, so you're correct.

But there was an H in it.

There was an H and an N, so look at us both being correct. Yeah. Uh, he's like 150. Yeah. So like, you also just realized that you like— like, you know what I mean?

I'm just like, what the fuck? I just feel that's the thing. It should have ended since the entirety of Breaking Dawn was about, you know, it really wasn't just about Bella and Edward. It was about Renesmee and what's gonna happen and the family and how it's— how they're gonna— and it was about all of them, right? And to just end on Bella and Edward, which I know what they were doing with that, like, I get it, I'm not— yeah, I'm not dense, but like, I know they were trying to be like, well, of course it's gonna end on— and it's like, it needs to end on Bella, Edward, and Renesmee, and their child, the new family that they have together, right? You begin with the them, you end with the new family they have created together. And, and then it's also just like, okay, look, she gets to have it all, whoopee. Yeah. And again, it's like, poor Rosalie over there, like, just throw her to the wind. And it's like, but Bella gets it all. And it's like, oh God, it just doesn't feel good.

No, I don't like it. This movie is the worst one.

Yeah, I think the earlier Twilight movies are more— they have the vibe that I like better.

Even Breaking Dawn Part 1, I like— I feel like we watched it so long ago, I can't remember how much I liked it. Not a lot happened. Not a lot happens, but it's better at least, and it has more of the like themes. Yeah. Oh, that early Twilight. Yeah. But Twilight and New Moon are definitely the best of the two.

They didn't know what to do when they invite— when they— whatever— when they involved a child, they had no— nobody knew what to do. Yeah. It's like it all fell to the wayside because they just didn't know They, they made her the stakes, but she was barely around. Mm-hmm. And they didn't say Eclipse.

Why can't I remember what— I can never remember what happens in Eclipse.

Isn't that when— what does happen in Eclipse? So we got New Moon when Edward bails. Isn't Eclipse when Jake finds out?

No. What the fuck happens in Eclipse?

They're all running together.

That was just erased for me all of a sudden. Is that when they start building the vampire army and they know Victoria is coming?

Yes, that's the newborn vampire army that Victoria is forming to come attack them.

Then that erupts in— Yeah. In Eclipse.

That's when they have to sleep in the tent. He says, I am hotter than you.

Oh, okay. So actually, yeah, I don't even remember Breaking Dawn Part 1 because I was thinking that was Breaking Dawn Part 1. Breaking Dawn Part 1 is when they get married and go on a honeymoon. Oh yeah, I hate that one.

So then she comes home and she's just like wasting away. So I take back what I said.

Like, that doesn't even have the themes of Twilight. The first 3 have great themes and they're fun.

Yeah, Breaking Dawn Part 1 and 2 suck. Yeah, I'm not a fan. Breaking Dawn 1 and 2 suck. I don't— I could have done without it. Yeah, that's really— I really could have. And I guess what was gonna happen was she was gonna go from Twilight straight to something called Forever Gone, and it was basically Twilight to them like getting married and all that. I was gonna skip all the— that would have been awful, but that would have been the worst.

Yeah, we wouldn't have never got—

because I'd much rather get New Moon and Eclipse out of it.

New Moon is so depressing, but it's like one of my faves, but it has— this is a possibility. Aiden, also, by the way, our cousin slash nephew slash new producer. We just started referencing him and everybody's probably like, who the fuck is that?

Who the fuck is Aiden? Oh, and Mikey's still like here. Yeah, guys, Mikey is still our friend.

He still works for us and everything. He just moved to Canada.

Just so you know, like he's not gone.

Yeah. Aiden just like happens to live in Massachusetts and like he's all right. We like him. Yeah, we're okay with it. But it was so funny because he's never seen a single Twilight movie or read any of the Twilight books. And yesterday he watched the movie with me so I could take extra notes.

So that's— he was thrown into the deep end of the pool.

And he is literally going to see— he just ordered Twilight to start reading it. And I can't wait for this to be—

He's like, I need to know everything about this.

I just love the way your journey began was just like, what the fuck is this?

It was Breaking Dawn Part 2, the movie. You watched the worst movie ever and you were like, let me get into this. And he got it.

She was like, this is a shit movie. But like— What's this all about? Going down this rabbit hole, though. It's such a— it's such a—

it's like a club. It really is. We all belong to. It's true.

I'm kind of sad that we're like done.

I know. Now I feel like I want to do something else like this. So if you guys have suggestions for what— because obviously you're still going to get bonus episodes. They'll just be other things. Yeah. Like we've been doing between these. But if you have something else that you want us to do this kind of thing with where we're like, we do one and like we have a few other ones in between and then we do a second one. Yeah, it's like a more like a recurring thing. Yeah, or you know, whatever. If you guys want to suggest, go ahead.

I did see some people suggest Fifty Shades of Gray. I can't do it. Oh my God, we watched one of them I think on screen and I was like, I can't. Yeah, I can't watch all of these movies.

That'll make me homosexual. That will kill me.

Yeah, I can't. I can't brain rot that deep.

No, I can't either.

Just anything but that. Yeah. But suggest.

Yeah, I want to hear what you have to say because you guys, we, we all loved doing this and you guys loved it. We love doing it, so we'll listen to what you guys think should be next.

So we hope you keep listening and we hope you keep it weird, but not so weird that you get banned from Foxwoods and Norwegian Sun. And shout out to State Farm. State Farm!

This episode is brought to you by State Farm.

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