Transcript of Unlock The Power of Your Comfort Zone So You Can Truly Create a Better Life | Mel Robbins

The first thing that you and I are going to talk about is what comfort provides in your life. What's happening in your brain when you have things in your life that bring you comfort. And it could be anything, absolutely anything. It could be rituals that you do that bring you comfort at the beginning or end of the day. It could be a particular object. It could be something that you see or a sound or a smell or a taste. It could be a meal that you just love. In fact, our daughter lives in Los Angeles, and whenever she comes home to Southern Vermont, there is a particular meal that she really wants me to cook. In fact, come to think of it, just this morning, she texted me and asked me for this chili recipe that I make. Why? Because it brings her comfort. And the second thing that we're going to dig into, and this blew my mind when I was researching this topic to be able to have this conversation with you, that you and I know that you need to push yourself out of your comfort zone. I'm showing up here all the time talking about the importance of taking risks, growing, stretching, the fact that you're designed to push through your fears and your excuses and learn new things and try new things.

But here's what I didn't realize. What I didn't realize is how important it is when you push yourself out of your comfort zone to actually intentionally come back and drop into your comfort zone. That there is this essential partnership between stretching yourself and actually using a moment of comfort to reset yourself and help yourself stretch again. And I'm going to share a lot about the things that bring me comfort throughout this episode. And since you're the person that really wants to enjoy your life, I'm going to invite you right now to start to think about all the little things around you that bring you comfort, too. And you maybe even take them for granted, like I did. You and I are just going to take this highlighter and we're going to highlight what's already around you, the things that you already love and the importance of being intentional about the value that they bring to your daily life. And the first set of things that I thought about as I was thinking to myself, well, what brings me comfort? What is it that I would pack if I were going through some major life transition like college.

And it struck me. There's a whole set of things that I take with me when I travel that bring me comfort. For example, I have this beige scarf. It's this big Shaw thing, and it was given to me by a bunch of students in one of the courses that I teach online. This thing's got to be like six years old at this point. I take it everywhere. I never travel without it. It has so many holes in it. You would think that a bunch of moths just took up residence inside this thing and had a party. At this point, it's so tattered. I'm nervous that if I keep using it, it's going to just rip right in half. What I've started doing is instead of wearing it, I now pack it in my carry-on, and I wear a different scarf. I have a belt buckle that Chris gave me. I've had this thing for a decade. I think he had it made online. The belt buckle is really cool. It's probably three inches long and an inch high, and it has a black and white photo on it of our kids. But here's the catch.

The photo is a really old photo. It was taken when Oakley, who's now 19, was a baby. Sawyer, who is our oldest, she's now 25. She was probably seven in this photo, and Kendall, who's now 24, she was six years old. Every single time I travel, and every time I get on a stage to give a keynote speech, I wear that belt. People always comment, whenever I wear it without fail, Oh, my gosh, I love that belt. Where did you get it? Are those your kids? Then I point to it and I go, Yeah, and she's 25, and he's 19, and she's 24. You know what? I love this belt because it's the best way to travel with your kids. Gets a laugh every time. The reason why I love this belt so much is that it makes me feel like my kids are with me, and that brings me a sense of comfort. That's not all that I take when I travel. Over the years as I've traveled around, especially around the United States, and I've been giving keynote addresses at all these big corporate events. People come up to me and they give me little mementos that mean something to them, that bring them comfort.

They give me these deeply personal things as a thank you for the impact that my work has made on them, whether it's the five-second rule or the let them theory or the high five habit or these podcast episodes. I've started to take these little objects and I put them in my suitcase. I have medallions that signify somebody's sobriety. I have wristbands that are tributes to people that died. I have a brooch, actually, from a woman that gave it to me. It was her mother's brooch. She gave it to me as a thank you because she had been really struggling with hoarding. She listened to something that we had put out on the podcast, and it gave her the ability to start to declutter, de-hord, to get rid of things. Her ability to give me this brooch was a sign of her growth and change. All of these little objects now sit right in my suitcase. And every time I open it up, whether I'm here in Southern Vermont and I'm packing it and I'm getting ready to go away a trip or I'm in a hotel room and I'm unpacking things in my hotel room, when I see all these little objects, I feel like you're with me, and I'm reminded of the impact of everything that I'm doing.

It makes me feel less lonely when I'm traveling and I'm on the road. For years, I've been doing this, and I've been thinking to myself, Oh, it's not a big deal. I got my scarf and I got my belt and I got my stuff on my suitcase. But it is a big deal. It turns out, based on the research, it's a very big deal. Things like Teddy and Blanky, they not only give you comfort, according to the research, comfort is essential for helping you create a better life, which is what you and I are going to dig deep into in this podcast. I looked into the definition of comfort so that we could all just start with the same baseline understanding of what this word means. Comfort is a state of physical ease and freedom. Freedom. Freedom from what? Freedom from stress, freedom from the things that are weighing you down. Things that bring you comfort are positive, amazing things. It's like you see it and your stress for the moment disappears. There's not a single thing that you would say that brings you comfort that is going to be stressful. It's the opposite, right?

It's recharging. You feel this refueling and this powering up that happens. And And comfort in that regard gives you the strength to face life's challenges. It gives you the ability to take risks. It can remind you of who you are. It can give you a sense of peace in the middle of the storm. And As I was really digging into this topic of what is comfort and why is it so important in our day-to-day life and how is it that it makes you stronger as a person, I just kept thinking about Oakley and how when we dropped him off, I wasn't I was surprised, honestly, that he brought Blanky and Teddy along, but I was surprised about how he displayed them so proudly, front and center. No shame, no embarrassment. He didn't stuff them in a drawer. He didn't hide them on the top of the closet. He didn't cram them behind his pillows so nobody would see. Oh, no way. He put them front and center. There was no doubt in his mind that Blanky and Teddy were going to go to college with them. In fact, when you walk into his dorm room, his bed is right there in front of the door.

They are the very first thing that you will see when you go into his room. When I thought about it, this wasn't just some random choice on his part. He was intentionally He was bringing a piece of home with him, something predictable, something familiar, something that brings him comfort. Doesn't that make a lot of sense when you stop and think about it? But you want to know what's really fascinating about this? Is that by Oakley placing Blanky and Teddy on his bed, just like they were here at home, this isn't just some cute, childish gesture. This was his brain's way of saying, Everything's okay. You're safe here. That's what comfort rituals do. They ground you. They bring predictability in moments of chaos. It's the exact same thing when I really stop and think about it, that I feel when I open up my suitcase and I'm in yet another hotel room alone, it brings this sense of peace, and it makes me feel better. I can't remember when Oakley was little. In fact, I remember when he got Blanky and Teddy. Blanky was this beautiful gift from all of my girlfriends. We were all raising our kids at the same time in this great little town outside of Boston, Massachusetts, and they had it monogrammed with his name, Oakley on it.

They had even bought Blanky from our friend, Caroline, who at the time had this little trunk show business where she was selling kids clothing. It was this deeply meaningful gift for my friends that was there for him, waiting for him when we brought him home from the hospital. You want to know what? Blanky has been with Oakey every step of the way. Seriously, when he was little in a car seat, I would tuck Blanky around him in his car seat. When he started to walk, he would drag that sucker across the ground everywhere he went. In fact, if I hit that thing with blue light, I am not sure what the heck we would find on that thing, but I'm sure it would be disgusting, even though I wash it every chance I can rip it from him. It was not only the blanket, but the actual ritual of touching it that brought him comfort. When he was little and he was nervous, he would just rub the ends of it. I bet this is making you think about yourself and what you maybe did with a binky or what you saw your kids or your brother or your sister do.

Now his blanket is just frayed all around the edges. And this little rubbing thing, it's called tactile grounding. There's no doubt in my mind that the science is very real about how powerful this is. Teddy, probably even more meaningful. Because after Oak was born, he had this life-threatening thing happen to him when he was five days old, and he had to be rushed by ambulance to Mass General Hospital in They admitted him to the NICU, and it turned out that he had been born with this disease called Hirschprung's disease, which basically means parts of his colon and his intestines weren't working. We were so lucky that we caught it before his intestine ruptured, which would have killed him. He was at Mass General for 30 days in the NICU, having surgeries on his plumbing, and Teddy was in the NICU, in the crib with him the entire time. These two, Teddy and Blanky, they have been Oake's companions on the road of life for 19 years.

And by bringing them to college, he wasn't holding on to his childhood. He was doing something way more powerful, something that you and I need to do. He was creating comfort in a brand new environment, a space that's unfamiliar, stressful, and unpredictable. And I want to stay here for a moment longer because I was so interested in this moment and the level of comfort that Blanky and Teddy provide to Oak that I called him and I asked him to explain in his words, what is your relationship to Teddy and Blanky? What emotions do you feel and how do they bring you comfort? So he recorded his answers to those questions in his dorm room for you. Let's take a listen. Hello, everyone. Hello, Mom. I hope you're all doing well. Now I'm in my college dorm. Big college kid, and my mom Mom asked me what is comforting to me? And I don't know if she's told you yet, but I have two important stuffed animals that I have owned and that I deeply care about. Their names are Blanky and Teddy. They're not very original names, but you know what? What are you going to do?

Anyways, they're very important to me because they've been with me my whole life. They remind me of home. Everything about them reminds me of home, their smell and their feeling and just the emotion that it brings up with it. I'll start with Teddy. Teddy's great. He used to be very fluffy and very poofy, but all the foam is... There's no foam in the top anymore. It's only in the bottom, and it's very gross, probably. His ears have both been chewed off. His face has been sewn together, and it's familiar.

I know that this is a sense of familiarity just because I've had Teddy for my whole entire life, and that is a great feeling. Then this is the This is blanky. This white cloth used to be the full front of it, but I ripped it off over time. Every single corner is mauled and gross and linty and everything. These are gross. These are not cool. I mean, they're cool to me, and they mean a lot to me. However, I still put them up on my bed and I put them out for the world to see because there's no shame. There's no shame in it. I just love that he said he cares about these two things and that he put them up on his bed and there's no shame. This is a very important thing to expand upon because you and I are so hard driving. I mean, you listen to this podcast because you want to improve your life and you value your time, and I do, too. You're looking for ways to do that. And I know you're probably thinking, Mel, what are you going to say? I got to take a stuffed animal to work?

What the heck? I'm not saying that, but I really want you to think about this. In moments of challenge, in moments of stress, in moments of major life changes, or in moments where you're in a completely new place, what do you immediately want to do? You want to try to comfort yourself. One of the first things I do if I'm in a new environment is I want to try to make it feel more comfortable, more like my home. And think about the word home. Home is a place where you feel safe. And by the way, comfort is not just about childhood items, not at all. It's about creating small moments of comfort in your everyday life. Maybe for you, that means a smell of your favorite candle when you get home. Maybe it's this cozy blanket that you throw over your lap when you're reading a book or you're watching TV, or maybe it's petting your dog. I mean, that makes you feel warm and cozy, doesn't it? These little moments aren't just comforting. They're essential. So let me ask you, what is your version of Blanky and Teddy right now? What is comforting to you?

I shared about my shaw and my belt and some of the things that are in my suitcase. But holy cow, when I really highlight these comforting moments or these little vignettes in my mind that make me just drop in when life gets overwhelming. There's got to be things in your life that you're now starting to think about. You've got this blanket that you love. You have this tea that you love to drink. You love the sound of something. When life feels overwhelming, when something is new or when you're exhausted or you just feel like you want to, what's that word, nest a little bit, just snuggle in, what is it that you reach for? I mean, it could be as simple as a clean, organized space or that quiet moment where you just sit down at the end of the day and you breathe for a second or a favorite window that you look out of. And these small comforts send signals to your brain that say, Hey, it's okay. Things are under control, helping you to stay grounded and focused. But here's the coolest part. This is all wired into your brain's circuitry in your nervous system already.

Every time you experience something familiar, like seeing Blanky or taking a sip of your favorite drink, you know what happens? Your brain's dopamine pathways light up. And dopamine, I'm sure it's a word you're familiar with, but if not, it's a neurotransmitter, fancy word, just plays a key role in how we experience pleasure, motivation, and reward. And when you engage in comforting rituals, your brain releases dopamine, which tells you, Hey, this feels good. Seeing Teddy and Blanky feels good. Sitting on my couch under my blanket feels good. Spending some time, hugging my dog feels good. Keep doing this. This isn't just like a feel good thing every day. This is a tool you can use to help you move through major changes in life. Because just think about Oak, when he comes back into his dorm room and the first thing he sees is Blanky and Teddy. His brain releases dopamine, that feel good chemical, and it signals everything's fine. Just a little bit of comfort. You can drop in. Everything's fine. So the next time you feel overwhelmed or anxious, or you got way too much going on at work or school or life, remember, little comfort items or rituals are working on a deep biological level to help you feel grounded right now.

When your brain is in that calm, familiar space, it is better equipped to handle the bigger challenges that you're facing in life right now. That brings me back to a huge takeaway and why I really want you and I to get more intentional about this topic, because comfort just isn't about relaxation. That is just the icing on the cake. The real juicy part of it is that it's your brain's way of creating stability focus and strength to help you through life. What is that thing that creates comfort for you? Do you have something in mind? Is there a place that you stop on the way home from work that brings you comfort? Is there a place that you stop on your way to school that brings you comfort? Maybe there's a photo of your family on your desk or some figurine or romento or favorite mug that brings you comfort at work. It's not about the thing. It's truly about cultivating the healing inside yourself and activating this resource inside your body. I don't care about the fact that my scarf looks ridiculous. I drag that thing everywhere with me. I love thinking about my scarf that way because it truly elevates this stuff in your life from something childish to something that is essential to your happiness, your mental health, your sense of grounding, and your safety in life.

And the second reason why I love this is because people don't care what brings you comfort. You think they care, but they don't care. In fact, when I said to Oak, Are you nervous about all these new people walking in your room? You've never met them before, and they're going to see that you have Teddy and Blanky on your bed? This is what he had to say about that.

There's no one walking into the dorm and looking at them and going, Oh, my God, you're such a child, or that's so weird, because people understand the importance of comfort. Especially in a place like college, where you don't have your normal sense of comfort, you don't have your own bedroom, you don't have your old friends, your family, you don't have the things that you love and know, it's important to have things that are comforting, like stuffed animals. I would just like to say that if there is something in your life that is comforting and you feel like you cannot be without it, then be with it. Did you hear that last line? So good. If there's If there's nothing in your life that brings you comfort and you can't live without it, be with it. And there's zero shame in it. And what I also loved about what Oakley was reflecting on is that nobody cares because everybody understands the power of things that bring you comfort. So whatever it is that you need, whether it's in your suitcase or on your way to work or on your way to school or on your way home at the end of the day, whatever it is that brings you comfort, be with it and truly understand the power in owning that and providing that for yourself.

One of the things that I love about digging into this topic is it elevates and highlights the importance of creating these moments and being aware of this for yourself. The more deliberate you are about the power of simple day-to-day comforts, the more powerful you're going to feel. If that's not reason enough to get serious this topic, I want to take this even a step further and talk about the balance that is necessary between comfort zones and pushing yourself out of your comfort zone and the necessity of knowing when you need to drop into your comfort zone. There is a relationship between your ability to take risks in life and the need for you to come back to something that is comforting in order to refuel and reset yourself. And the research around this is super interesting. Here's how I want you to think about the relationship between things of comfort and the need to push yourself out of your comfort zone because they work together. So think about yourself almost like a rubber band, right? And you know how a rubber band, it can stretch out and then boom, you let go and it goes right back and resets?

Every single time time in life when you stretch yourself, whether you're going through a big life change, like Oakley is going through right now at college, and I'm going through a big life change because we're now empty nesters, or whether you're going through a big life change because you're taking on a new job or or maybe you're going through a breakup or whatever it may be as you stretch through this new change, because that's what change does to you. It stretches you, and it stretches you because you're having to learn new behaviors, new neuropaths, pathway. And as you're learning all these new patterns and behaviors and pathways in your life and stretch yourself as you push through this challenge, and it could be any challenge. It could be a physical challenge, it could be a creative project that you're working on. Every time you stretch, I want you to think about that rubber band and how a rubber band stretches. And then I want you to remember, there's always that moment where it retracts and resets. You're the exact same way. If you stretch continuously, you'll snap and break. You have to reset. The human brain, body, and spirit has to have this moment of refuel and reset after you've stretched yourself.

This is all based on fascinating research about how your brain works, about habits are formed, how you learn new information, how your body resets itself. It is well documented that you have a need to refuel cool and reset, and that's where the power of simple comforts come in. You and I spend a lot of time talking about pushing yourself beyond your comfort zone, learning how to take those big risks that change your life, like applying for that big job or going out to dinner to that nice restaurant alone, trying improv, asking that person out, sharing a message or a personal story on social media, auditioning for an orchestra as an adult, taking a ballroom dancing class, asking asking someone to mentor you. Anytime you do something out of your comfort zone, remember that rubber band is stretching, and you're designed to do that. And let's face it, growth doesn't happen when you're just coasting long, comfortable in your routine, doing the same old, same old. And it's so easy to just default to what you always do, what's familiar, and never stretch yourself like that rubber band in your life. But here's the part that you and I don't talk about enough.

You can't be in push mode all the time. You can't be stretched all the time. You know what we call it when you're stretched all the time? It's called burnout. That's not what we're talking about here. We're talking about the fact that you need balance. I'm always going to push you to stretch. I'm always going to push you to take that risk. I'm always going to push you out of your comfort zone. And today, I am reminding you that resetting and allowing yourself to drop in and rest and feel comfort, it is just as important as the stretch because they go hand in hand. Just like when you're building a muscle in the gym, you can't just pump iron 24 hours a day. You have to rest it after a workout. You want to know a really interesting fact about this as you think about a rubber band stretching and then bouncing back into shape? Do you want to know when you lock in new habits and memories and you actually lock in learning? It's not while you're stretching and you're practicing the new habits, or you're studying the new material, or you're doing the new skill.

You actually lock it in while you're sleeping. It doesn't happen when you're awake. It doesn't happen when you're stretching. It happens when you're comfortable. It happens when you're resting. See, you are designed to go through periods of stretching, but then you need a period of rest and comfort so you can refuel. And you want to know the best ways to refuel? It's to come back to something that gives you comfort. And when I think about my own life, one of the things that has always given me comfort when I'm going through a stressful time or I'm stretching myself and I'm out over the tips of my skis and I need some reassurance, I call my parents. How How many times have you called home for some comfort or just to hear someone's voice? You know this is true. If your parents are no longer here, I'm sure you wish they were because you know the power of being able to see them or talk to them, and you can feel the comfort that it brings you. And there's more to this than just knowing that what I am saying is true. It reminds me of one of my favorite things that world-renowned Harvard psychiatrist Dr. Robert Wauwdinger said on this podcast.

In fact, he's one of the most popular experts to ever appear on the Mel Robbins podcast. I want to play something that he said for you. It relates to this topic of comfort and our ability to stretch and the critical need for us to also reset. You're about to hear Dr. Wauwinger talking about how, as human beings, you and I are wired to bond to other people, and we naturally seek out other people in moments where we want to be comforted.

Take a listen to what Dr..

Wauwdinger said on this podcast. We all bond when we're babies, when we're tiny. We bond to caregivers. And that if the bonding goes well, we end believing that we are lovable and that there's somebody there to love us. And that when we believe those things, we grow up happy and we grow up brave enough to explore the world. Because there's a home base we can come back to. Sometimes you'll see on a playground, you'll see a parent with a two-year-old, and the two-year-old totals off. Then at some point, they'll run back and they will grab the parents' leg. It's sometimes called refueling, where they're reminded, Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, So how do I take a risk in my life? You may have someone in your life, maybe it's your spouse.

And if you start to take a risk, like starting a new podcast, you might run it by him and say, What do you think?

Do you think I could do this? We need somebody to say, It's okay, and I'm here. Even if it doesn't go well, I've got your back. Oh, I love that. Don't you love this notion of refueling? And the fact that what he's actually talking about is the power of comfort. You can refuel not just by connecting with other people. You can refuel by connecting with Teddy, Blanky, a photo of your family, a favorite place that you love to stop on a particular regular drive. You can also refuel by connecting with yourself. And I want to tell you about my friend Amy. She is a producer on this podcast and lives here in Southern Vermont. Every single morning, She walks out her front door and walks a quarter of a mile down the road and across a bridge and down to this river where she does a cold plunge every single morning. And this is an important nuance because comfort doesn't always have to be warm and cozy. Sometimes the things that you wouldn't expect can bring a surprising sense of comfort, like a cold plunge. Now, at first glance, it seems like the opposite, right?

Because you're like, Oh my gosh, cold water. I don't think that sounds that comforting at all, Mel. But the controlled discomfort of something like a cold plunge or a cold shower, activates the parasympathetic nervous system, which can leave you feeling incredibly calm afterwards. And this has become a super cool and comforting ritual that Amy does every single morning. She leaves her house, she walks down the road, she crosses a bridge, she walks into this little park where there is this beautiful winding river, and then she goes to the same rock. She pulls off her sweatshirt, she pulls off her short. She's in her bathing suit, she's got her water shoes on. She then walks right in, and then she screams to her poor husband, Tim, Start the Timer for three minutes. Sometimes when she's in the water, she cries. Sometimes she shivers. Sometimes, like she was telling me this morning, she crouches way down and she watches the river from a frog's eye view just taking it all in. And this morning, the leaves were passing her by. Because it's fall up here in Vermont. Doesn't it sound absolutely amazing? Come to think of it, I got I'm not going to come do this with you, Amy.

We should do a special episode about it and film it, like how you do a cold plunge and all the protocols. And you'll see for yourself that the ritual is what's comforting. All the while while I'm explaining, Amy's probably been in the river the entire time, just dropping into the cold water and finding comfort in it. Then all of a sudden, her husband says, Done. I know what you're wondering. Does her husband, Tim, ever do it? No. I'll tell you why. Because it doesn't bring him comfort. And that's also important. What brings you comfort is personal to you. For Amy, this is as much about taking a moment for herself as it is anything else. It helps her relax, recharge, prepare for the day ahead. That's her comfort ritual, and it makes all the difference. Just like Dr. Wauwdinger painted this beautiful picture of a child that runs into a playground. That's like that rubber band stretching, right? The child running into the playground. Then what does the child do? Resets and comes back to the caregiver to refuse Refuel. It's a safe place. It's comforting, which allows you to stretch again. Amy's doing the exact same thing.

By starting her day, knowing that the day is going to be creative, production, stretch, she goes into that river like a child goes to a parent to refuel so that she's ready to go stretch herself again. Don't you just love that visual? I love that visual of a child running into a playground and then coming back to a caregiver. I love that visual of a rubber band stretching, just like you do as you grow and you take risks and you reach for all the things in life that you want to experience. I have the exact same visual now of Oakley. I can just see him. He's out and about. He's walking around campus. He's in classes. He's playing sports. He's taking it all in. And that's him stretching in this new phase of his life. And then what's waiting for him? Like the river is waiting for Amy and the caregiver is waiting for the child, Teddy and Blanky are waiting for him. This is so much bigger than a reminder of home. It's an intentional act of refueling, of taking care of yourself, of supporting yourself. When you look at it that way, I mean, how cool is this?

Small things in your day-to-day life that really do matter. And those are my favorite things. These little, little things that are so profoundly powerful. And now I'm sure you're sitting here thinking about all your favorite things to drink and your favorite things to do as a ritual and things from your childhood. So the next time you're feeling overwhelmed, think about what brings you comfort. Maybe it's a person. Maybe it's a place that you stop. Maybe it's something that you eat or music that you play. I'm now realizing that the ritual of taking a bath every single night before I go to bed, it brings me comfort. It's something that I do after stretching myself all day that helps me refuel. And I love this topic so much that I was out to dinner the other night with a bunch of the amazing people that are on our team here at the Mel Robbins podcast, and I was talking about the fact that we're doing this super cool topic. I asked them the same question that I've asked you, what is it that brings you comfort? As we went around the dinner table, it was so fun to hear everybody's responses.

I wanted to share what some of our team members said because they inspired me to think more about what's right in front of my and getting more intentional about seeing what's right there as something that is a powerful tool in my life. And I know that as you hear me share them with you, it's going to widen the aperture on what you see and help you create more intentional moments of comfort and refueling in your life. So for my daughter, Sawyer, who is is managing the launch of my brand new book, The Let Them Theory, which comes out in January. It's all about eating sour grapes. I have no idea why. I cannot eat a sour grape to save my life. I pop a sour grape in my mouth, and it's like my cheek suction I do not like it. But every time she pops a sour grape in her mouth, boom, she gets a wave of comfort. Simple sensory experience, boom, there's the joy. It's not just food. For For example, one of my business partners, David, it's the smell of freshly mowed grass. That one got a lot of, Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

For my other business partner, Christine, oh my gosh, she was so cute. She described this feeling. They have this couch that has... You know how some couches have that L thing where somebody gets... It's always the primo spot on anyone's couch, right? Because it's the one that has the chase piece where your feet can go up. That's her spot, her spot on the couch. When it's after dinner and everybody is running to that couch, their two Australian shepherds dart toward that chase part of the couch. They jump up because they're waiting for Christine to climb on so they can climb on top of her and then get into their plate. That's comfort. That's refueling. For our executive producer, Tracy, library. This is a really common one. There's something about the smell of old books combined with that feeling of... Remember holding a library card? And that sense of discovery when you walk into a library, that is a refuel for her. In moments of stretching, she can walk into a library and just feel like herself. It's so beautiful, right? It creates this moment of peace. And that triggers a moment of comfort for me.

And you want to know what my moment of comfort is? It's when the stars align. It's when there are these magical connections that you just can't explain, when it feels like the universe is going ding ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, you're in the right place at the right time. I want to tell you something. When I'm stretching like crazy and I get one of those signs from the universe, I'm like, Boom, I am refueled. Thank you very much. And as we sat there around the table after a long day of work as we were stretching ourselves, one thing is very clear. The things that we find comfort in, they don't embarrass us at all because they bring you so much joy, and there is power in embracing it. And that brings me back to the heart of what Oakley wanted to say to you.

Before I sign off and I let you guys get back to my mother, who was amazing and we all love. I love you, Mom. I would just like to say the stuffed animals, your cozy photos on your wall, your weird trinkets from childhood, they're all comforting and they're all special. And you should feel no shame because there is nothing wrong with something in your life that will bring you comfort and that will bring you joy. I fully encourage you to hold on to those comforting things. Regardless, hold on to them, treat them with respect, keep them in your life until the very last moment. I swear to God, I will keep Blanky until he is a singular thread of string. Even then, I'll probably just frame him in my bedroom as an adult. Same thing with Teddy. Both of these will stay with me forever until they can no longer be with me because it brings me joy. I love you guys. Have an amazing day. You're loved. I love you. And I love your comforts. I love what brings you guys comfort.

Can you tell I got a huge smile on my face? Because I just realized one more thing that is a massive refueling and a moment of comfort. And that's any time you hear someone say they love you. Every time you hear it, it just It just refuels your soul, doesn't it? It sure does for me. So in case no one else tells you today, I wanted to be sure to tell you that I love you and I believe in you. And I believe in your ability to change your life. And that's going to require you to not only stretch yourself, but it's going to require you to reset and refuel. Now you know the surprising and powerful science of how simple day-to-day comforts help you do that. I want to start by talking about how you can use music as a hack to put you in a better mood almost instantaneously. It turns out, according When you're trying to research that when you listen to songs that you liked when you were growing up, or songs that were like the anthem during certain periods of your life, research shows that simply listening to these old songs puts you in a better Dude, and I think you know this.

You know this, right? Because you've experienced this before. But when I share the research with you and we really unpack this and what's happening in your body and your brain, I really want you to lean into this because it's a powerful tool that you can use in your day-to-day life. Okay? So just picture this. You're driving in your car, you're just cruising down the highway, you're thinking about work, or you're thinking about your grocery list, or you're wondering, Oh, my God, did anyone need to feed the dog? Your mind is just busy turning over these thoughts, and all of a sudden, one of your favorite songs from high school comes on the radio. For me, oh, boy, there was a phase early in high school I was so into the cure and the specials. Friday, I'm in love. I don't even want to say I'm a terrible singer. You guys know my daughter's a singer. You will turn this off if I sing, so I'm not going to be singing. But then there was a phase where everybody in my high school in Western Michigan was way into Bruce Springsteen, born in the USA, came out, I believe, when I was in high school.

And there was also this whole body of music that's now called Yatt Rock. That's that easy soft rock stuff that my parents were constantly playing. It was always in the house or in the car or in the boat. You know that song, If you like piña coladas? I'm so embarrassed. I am so embarrassed when I sing because I think I have a terrible voice. But when you even think about those lyrics, If you like piña coladas, aren't you immediately transported back in time? I mean, first, if you think about your favorite song, stop and think right now. What was one of your favorite songs when you were in high school? Maybe even had a poster hanging in your room. You played it over and over and over again. If If you had siblings, they were like, Turn it off. Oh, my gosh, you knew all the words. If you think of that song, you immediately start thinking about all the memories that you have from that period of your life. And what's so interesting about this to me is you don't have to think to yourself, Oh, I'm going to think about that time I took a road trip with friends, and now that the song is on.

No, no, no, no. Your mind naturally, just hearing the song goes there. I cannot hear that song, rather. If you like Pina Coladas, I don't even know what the heck the name of the song is. You know that song, right? And not immediately just go back to being in middle school, and Nights in Michigan, where I grew up. It just naturally goes there. You think of your song, maybe you're thinking about a road trip with friends, or the day you went to see that band in concert, or a school dance where you were just so excited because you had a huge crush on that person, and that song was playing in the sweaty gymnasium in middle school, or I don't remember what song it is. Maybe you guys can remember this, but there was a song when I was in middle school. Gosh, I was racking my brain trying to figure this out. I'm hoping you will write in and tell me what this was. It was a song that would play near the end of every middle school dance. And And I'm talking early '80s, everybody. It is a song that is probably eight minutes long.

And this song would come on, and so help me God, I cannot remember what it is. But if you were dancing with somebody that you really liked, you were so excited because you were going to hold them close. This was going to be like that hip-rocking circle for eight minutes long. Oh, yeah, you won the lottery because you get to be with this. But But if you were with the wrong person, this is like a slow death march in a circle with the wrong person. God, I wish I could remember that. You know what it is? It starts out slow, and then it builds, and it's so long, and it was at the end of... Anyway, I'll give you another example. When I was in eighth grade, my dad fulfilled his lifelong dream of renting a motorhome and taking his family on a cross country road trip where we visited all of these national parks, and We had three eight track cassette tapes in that motorhome. We had Neil Diamond's Greatest Hits. We had the band America and Their Greatest Hits, and we had Hicked on Classics. I'm going to tell you something. If Hooked on Classics comes on, I can feel myself just hearing that music.

I feel myself in the motorhome cruising down I-90 'toward the Corn Palace in Iowa' playing 'Jinn Rummy' with my mom and my brother in the back while my dad drove. I mean, it's immediate. You know what I'm saying? You've got these songs, right? There's research around what's happening because you don't have to think your body and your brain remembers. And here's another one. So I haven't talked to you guys about this, but I am all fired up because my daughters and I just went to see Taylor Swift in concert. Holy cow. I got to do a whole episode about everything that I learned from Taylor Swift, but that's a whole 'nother' thing. It was insane what a sensory experience that concert was. Because her first album debut came out when Kendall was, I think, seven years old.

I mean, Kendall picked up a guitar in order to learn how to Taylor's music.

Her music was the soundtrack of my life as a young mom and of their life growing up. When you got two girls, that's what was playing. And so fast forward almost two decades later, here we are in concert, screaming our brains out. And it's almost like as all the music was playing, I was both in the concert with my adult daughters, but I could also feel in my body like I was in a car, like in 2010, driving carpool to a lacrosse tournament and Cruel Summer's playing. You know what I mean? I'm drunk in the back of the car. Holy cow. What about you? What was some of the favorite music from your past? Is there a particular song that brings up fun memories for you? Maybe it was the song that played the summer you graduated from high school, or the song that your dad always played. And every time you hear the song, you immediately think of him. Or maybe it was your first dance song, right? Every time our first dance song comes on the radio, Barry White, Can't Get Enough of your Love, That's What Chris and I, First Dance, I'm like, Winding Song, and I'm right there.

Well, I want to explain the research to you. Because according to researchers, you and I can use the happy associations from these songs of our past to lift our mood in the present. How cool is that? And you've experienced it just by accident. But I want you to get intentional about this, because check this out. The researchers dove deep into understanding why memories associated with songs immediately change your mood. And they say that you and I tend to have more memories associated with older songs than newer ones. There's a term for this. It is called neural nostalgia. In other words, these songs from our past where we have really positive memories and positive emotional associations with them. I'll give you another one, the Steve Miller Band, that album with the horse head on the cover. I played that, oh my gosh, sophomore summer in college. And these songs from your past that you and I have positive associations with, it's like reminding you of a time in life when you had less stress, when maybe you had a little less on your plate, you were a little more innocent, you felt a little more hopeful.

You have happy memories that are intrinsically linked with music from your past. So the fancy way that scientists talk about this is they call this music evoked autobiographical memory, which means you have emotions that are like crazy strong driving to the grocery store simply because you hear a song from the past. And what's also cool is is like, let's just say you're driving to the grocery store, right? And all of a sudden, the song that was the defining song of your high school summer or your college years, or being a young parent, or being in your 20s in the city, all of a sudden hits the car. Your body changes immediately. And you know what else happens? Vivid memories. You immediately remember living in the city post-college with your friends. You immediately remember that summer that you took that road trip. You immediately remember your childhood and something you were doing. We're going to get into the science of why this is the case. And I am so fired up about this topic because I just I experienced this with the Taylor Swift concert. Not only at the concert, by the way, but a week before our daughter Kendall found a playlist of the set that Taylor was going to play.

Again, Kendall is the super fan, and so she was like, You got to listen to the Playlist. And I'm like, I know all these songs. She's like, I know, but she got to listen to the playlist. I'll tell you what, even listening to the setlist before the concert, as I'm driving my errands and I'm going here and there, it flooded me with a decade and a half of memories raising my girls. And the same thing is going to happen to you. I mean, you've experienced this. There's nothing cooler than it being a beautiful day, and the windows are down in the car, and the song is coming on the speakers, and the wind is blowing, and you feel this feeling of freedom and joy. So let me explain what's going on inside your brain when you hear music that you associate with great memories. It's so So cool because what's happening is biological. See, the music is activating a part of your brain called the limbic system, and the limbic system is located beneath the brain surface, and it's involved in learning, but it also is in charge of memory and emotional responses. And I find it personally fascinating that the research shows that the limbic system is involved and activated when you are listening to music from your past, and all of a sudden, all these memories are triggered, and It made me think about something.

In the world today, we talk a lot about trauma, right? When you hear the word trauma, you immediately think negative past experience, right? If you've ever had a traumatic experience, one of the things that happens is all of a sudden, you'll be living your day-to-day life, and boom, some negative memory pops into your mind from the past. I can give you a quick example. One traumatic experience for me is that I was in a car crash where the car rolled. And I can remember being in that car like it was yesterday. I can literally close my eyes. The memory is so seared into my mind and into my body that I know exactly what it felt like to be in that car as it rolled. Now, here's an interesting thing. That accident happened when it was snowing, and there was a particular sound that I heard as the car was rolling, and it's the sound of snow crunching. You know how snow's like... And to this day, I'm talking decades later, if I walk down a sidewalk and the snow crunches under my feet, I have the sensation of immediately being back in a car that's rolling.

It's a form of negative neural nostalgia, right? We've just been learning about how songs can take you back to the positive. So here's what I want you to understand that I think is super cool. The same mechanism in your body that records negative traumatic experiences, right? And you then get triggered, and you remember them, or you feel things from your past. It's the exact same recording system that records the positive ones. And it explains why you remember positive memories when it was like something super emotional. It's because the high state of emotion, being in a car crash, high state of emotion, When you're in a high state of emotion, the limbic system is activated and it's trying to remember everything. The emotions are on fire and it's trying to protect you. Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, which is why it records it. It's why I remember the sound. Same thing with positive. Same thing with positive. You're in a high positive emotional state. Think about graduation from high school. Think about graduation from college. Think about your wedding day. Think about when your first child was born. Think about some of the most positive experiences.

Even positive experiences like, you are seeing your favorite band play. I will never forget what it was like to be in that stadium with my daughter screaming every single word of those Taylor Swift songs. I was in such an activated, excited, positive state that my limbic system was on fire recording the memory. It's the reason why, for example, you You can remember things like... I bet you can remember what day it was and details about your high school graduation years later, right? You could almost put yourself back there. Highly positive state. But I bet you cannot remember what you did the Thursday before graduation, can you? Of course not. If you've ever been in a car accident, you know exactly what you were doing right before the accident happened. But you don't know what you were doing two days before. And there's a reason why Why? The heightened emotional state that your body went into is what triggers the recording of the memory. That's why this works. I hate the fact that... It's good that we have a word for negative trauma, but I wish we had a really amazing pump-up word for the positive recording, because it's the exact same thing.

It's only with your best memories, not your worst. What this research is telling you is that this The neural nostalgia that gets created because of the heightened emotion and also repetition, that's also part of the research when it comes to the encoding of these memories. And you listen to the song over and over and over, and you're having these happy days, and it's the best summer of your life, and oh my God, That it's the heightened emotion that locks in the memory. That's why this works. Isn't the science so cool? And this explains why neural nostalgia is such a hugely cool thing and can be a remarkable tool for you to help you lift your mood or to help you change your mindset. Because you know that song that you heard at one of your favorite concerts? Boom, it can put you right there. For example, for me, one of the best concerts I have ever been to in my entire life, 2017 Gillette Stadium, You Too, Joshua Tree album tour. All I have to do is hear the opening rift of the first song on You Too's Joshua Tree album. What is The Streets Have No Name.

I don't even know the name of the song, but I know the... The guitar starts playing, and all of a sudden, it accelerates. Incredible song. And I'm transported to Gillette Stadium, July 2017. And you know a funny story about that tour. Right before the concert, I happened to be giving a speech in Vegas to 27,000 people, and I was standing backstage, one of the biggest events that I had ever spoken at, and the whole setup and the production for that event, 27,000 people, was unbelievable. The guy who was working for the production company who did the event in Vegas that I was speaking at also happened to be the production company that was doing You Two's tour. And he told me this story about the fact that it was the first time, if any of you ever saw that tour, it was incredible because you two played in front of this massive, up like, IMAX-size screen. It was the first time that anyone had ever done a tour with a screen that size. It was 8K resolution. It was 200 feet by 40 feet tall, cinematic screen. It was the largest high-res screen at a touring show ever.

And he told me the funniest story. He said, It's interesting that a few years before the Joshua Tree tour, you two had signed a contract to do a stadium tour, but the album that they were planning to tour wasn't ready. So they had to scramble because they had booked all the stadiums, and they decided to just do their most popular album of all time, like front to back, cover to cover. I mean, absolutely incredible. I don't know if it's a true story or not. It's just the one that he told me. I got to tell you, it was one of the best nights of my entire life. I'll tell you why. Joshua Tree, the album, was released March ninth, 1987, which was the spring of my freshman year of college. I played that album until the needle broke on my record player. I mean, it was the album of my college experience, and so many other people, too. In fact, at the concert in 2017, it was like crazy. There was a huge thunderstorm, and right before you two came out, the sky broke open and the sun came down, and then all of a sudden, that first song played, and the 200-foot cinematic screen started running the music videos that had played on MTV back in the day, and I looked around, everybody there was my age.

It was like the world's biggest college reunion. All of us who had been freshmen in 1987, it was magical, it was iconic. But here's the part I want you to hone in on. Your favorite music from the past can help you hit the reset button on your mood right now. Simply putting on one of your favorite songs from high school, from college, from your childhood, from another time in your life that reminds you of a really good memory. The second you hit play, your mind and your body does the work. It changes you. And as we go further and further into this topic of using music as a hack, you're going to learn the science. It's absolutely insane how this works. And I I want you to understand this, because whenever you're stressed, or you're feeling really low, or you're having a bad day, or you're feeling isolated or alone, I want you to be able to use this tool. I don't want you to just listen to me today as you're taking your walk, or you've invited me into your house, or your car, or you're watching me on the TV, if you're on YouTube.

I don't want you to just nod along and be like, Yeah, I've experienced this, Mel. I know exactly what you mean, and I know exactly what my song is. Because these songs that transport you You are a hack and a tool to make your life better. I want you to make a playlist, because any time that you want to shift in your mood, you don't have to wait for lightning to strike. You can put a song on that you love, and you can let the song do the work, and it could be exactly what you need. And oftentimes, you don't need to want it to work. Seriously. Have you ever had somebody that's really sad? You're like, Oh, come on, let me cheer you up. And then all you do is you put their favorite song on? They look at you and they're mad because they don't want to feel better, and the song turns on, and by the time the song's done, they're feeling better. That's why this is such a great hack, because you don't have to feel like it. You just have to put on the music that will lift your mood.

And this is for when you want an immediate shift. I want you to consider this research when you're feeling like, I don't know. Put the song on and let the research and your brain do the work for you. In fact, I've got a little hack for you. If you ever want people to help you do the dishes, all you got to do is play music. My trick is I've got this disco playlist that I use to make people help me with the dishes. You have a big dinner party, you got your family around, you got a backyard barbecue. Boom. Hit the disco playlist. Mine begins with Y-M-C-A. And people like, Young men. When that starts playing, people cannot sit at the table while you're bussing. Everybody starts picking up their plates and wiggling toward the kitchen, and you will all of a All of a sudden, have put on a playlist disco that activates brainwaves inside of everybody. And now they're moving, and they're grooving, and they're motivated, and they're helping you. And it becomes a dish party instead of a chore that you have to do. So I I want you to use this to your advantage, and here's how.

Number one, make a playlist in advance. When you're done listening to this, please make a playlist. Remember back in the day, if you're in your 20s, you probably did not do this. Although maybe you make playlists for people. You probably make playlist for people. Well, being 55 years old, I remember making mix tapes for other people that I loved. Remember doing that? Where you would have one of those fancy stereo's that had a double cassette player So you could stop, play, record, stop, and you'd have to... Do you remember that? I remember being so psycho about it. I remember actually trimming and doing hand edits on this at time. And so when you made a playlist, what were you doing? You were trying to communicate emotion to somebody. This is how I feel about you. I made this gift for you. When you make a playlist for somebody today, you're doing the same thing. Make it for yourself. Make a playlist of your favorite old songs. And here's another hack. You can create the playlist and not fill it yet. So I've got all these playlists. I'll talk more about this. And if you're just randomly listening and a great song comes up, just add it to the existing playlist.

And you can label them based on your mood. My Hype playlist, my I'm Feeling Down, Pick Me Up playlist, my High School Favorite Songs playlist. And those tunes will get your mood up. And you want to know how you know that this research is true? Look at Spotify. They have playlists that are marketed to you based on mood. Confidence, Sunny Afternoon, Fun Barbecue. They know what they're doing. They know the science. So you use the science, too. Your playlist should be made to put yourself in an uplifted mood. You can shake off a bad day and you can tap into, now you know the fancy word, neural nostalgia, but you always knew that this was there. Now, I just want you to use it.

I believe there are simple things that you and I can do, based on research and common sense, that help us both create a better life. And one of the topics that... I just have to talk about this today because I'm feeling it, is overwhelm. I am feeling so overwhelmed today because I have to pack, I have to get in the car when I'm done talking to you about overwhelm, I have to drive to Boston, I am going to a funeral for a friend, and I'm giving a eulogy, which is both a huge honor and a massive, massive reason to feel overwhelmed. And so it is one of those life imitates art moments right now where we were planning on talking about overwhelm, and I roll in here behind the microphone. I am a hot mess right now. I didn't even put on underwear yet today. I've got on ripped jeans, a jog bra, and a yellow T-shirt. And I just realized that the T-shirt says, mentally elsewhere. And so it may feel a little odd that the person that you're going to have a conversation with about overwhelm is a hot mess with a messy bun.

But you know what?

I've always envisioned the Mel Robbins podcast to be like taking a walk with a really good friend. And when you take a walk with a really good friend, you show as you are, and you walk and you talk and you sort things out together. And so today's episode I'm really excited for because you and I are going on a walk together, and I've got five other listeners that are going to join that walk with us. And as we walk and we talk, we are going to unpack this topic of overwhelm. And I've got this framework that you're going to love. There are two types of overwhelm. And seeing which type of overwhelm that you're in, it's going to help you take the steps to deal with being overwhelmed, to become calmer, to tap into your power. You probably notice that my voice is starting to gain a little bit of steadiness. That's because I know what's coming. I know that as you and I talk through these frameworks and as I hear other listeners like you sharing what's going on in their life and why they're overwhelmed, and as we talk about what you can do to face those situations in life, I'm starting to feel a little steadier because I know by the end of a good walk with friends, you always feel better.

And I want you to stay until the end because at the very end, you're going to hear from a listener named Michelle, and she has so much joy in her voice because she has applied what you're about to learn and what I'm about to remind myself of when it comes to overwhelm. Let's dig into our first question, which comes from a listener named Laura.

Hi, Mel. This is Laura, and here's my question. How can I identify when can I push harder and when to pause or give myself some grace? How can I adapt all the things I'm learning in your podcast to my reality. And I can explain. I'm a 35-year-old mom of a very, very active two-year-old. I have a full-time job, and I'm planning on doing a lot of things, including trading for my third marathon. But I also suffer from anxiety, and I have the habit of procrastinating. I listen to all of your podcasts. I love them, and everything makes a lot of sense to me. And I really want to do all the things that you teach us to become the best version of myself. But the truth is that almost every day, life happens, and I end up doing nothing. I wake up, I make breakfast, get my kid ready for school, get myself ready for work, and I'm off to work by 8:30 AM. Then I have a full-time of work, and I finish work around 5:30 PM. Then I get home and I try to be with my kid. At 7:30, we start our night routine.

By 8:30, when my baby boy, hopefully is asleep, I feel exhausted. I only want to have dinner and go to bed. But I also want to fit in a morning routine, exercise, time to work in the thousand things I have in my to-do list, social life, and the list of things that I want to do in one day goes on and on and on, including meditating, cooking better food. It goes on. How can I prioritize and adapt a million dollar morning routine to my reality? Should I expect more from myself? Should I push harder, maybe at night, wake up earlier, or should I just feel... Do what I can? How do you fit in time to do all the personal growth when it really feels I do not have the time and physical or mental energy to do it. Thank you very much, Mel.

Oh, my gosh, Laura, I'm so glad you're on the walk today, because hearing you list off all the things you need to do, I suddenly feel less overwhelmed. Can we just have a laugh about that?

That That when somebody else is more overwhelmed than you, you're like, Oh, okay, thank God, it's not just me.

So one of the things I want to say to you, Laura, and to you listening, is that life is a marathon, not a sprint. There are times in your life where it's going to be overwhelming all the time. And one of those times is when you have kids that are not yet in a full school day. I remember those chaotic days of trying to get our kids out the door in the car to daycare so I could get to a full-time job, commute in, work all day, commute back out, make it back to daycare in time before daycare closed and they started to find you and you feel like the world's worst parent because you're showing up when the lights are and your kid is there alone, and then get home, and then transition, and then get them into the... It is exhausting. And one of the big lies that we tell ourselves when it comes to overwhelm is we tell ourselves, if I just hurry, I can fit more in. Right now, your life is not about fitting more in. It's about a level of acceptance for where you are. Because I hear in what you're talking about, this resistance that you don't have enough time, that you can't fit it all in.

The truth is, you're doing the most important thing in the world right now. You are taking care of a small child.

You are working.

You are taking care of yourself. And And that is what you need to focus on. And you listening, you might not have a little kid at home anymore or at all, but maybe you're taking care of aging parents. That was my friend Joni. Joni was the primary caregiver for her mother for the last two years as she was slowly dying and suffering from dementia. I never saw Joni.

Why? Because she was in a very draining situation where she was caring for somebody with a chronic illness, and all she could do was get up, do that, take care of herself, go to sleep.

That brings me to this framework for overwhelm that has profoundly helped me. As I explain this to I not only want you to listen, but as we continue this conversation and this metaphorical walk together, I want you to start to take this framework, the two types of overwhelm, and not only apply it to your life, but see if you can apply it to the situations you're going to hear other listeners describe. Because the two types of overwhelm are legitimate overwhelm. So your life circumstances demand overwhelm. From you. Laura, with a full-time job and a kid under two, and I can't tell if she was married or not, so I'm going to assume she's a single parent, she is in a period of life where she is in legitimate overwhelm. Tony, my friend who was caring for her mom, who just recently passed away. She was in a 2-3 year period of legitimate overwhelm. The demands of her life created overwhelm. Our daughter, who's about to graduate from college and who is a singer-songwriter, and there's not a defined career path. She right now is careening into a couple months of legitimate overwhelm because of college ending and an in certain future.

I right now am in a state of legitimate overwhelm. I have a friend who recently died. I am delivering a eulogy. I'm going to be in this legitimate overwhelm until I to get through this service. And so when it comes to legitimate overwhelm, the only thing that you can do is to have tools that I'm going to unpack in just a minute.

So that's the first type of overwhelm.

Now, let me explain the second one. And the second one is where most of us live. The second type of overwhelm is lifestyle overwhelm.

That's when your whole life feels overwhelming. When you're just so used to feeling overwhelmed and busy and to-do You're nervous everywhere, and stuff is a mess, and things are on the counter, and you've overcommitted yourself, and you can never say no, and you're always last on your list, and you don't know how to get out of it because it's become a vicious cycle. Your whole life is overwhelmed.

That's the second type of overwhelm.

And so, Laura, you have legitimate overwhelm, which means you need a strategy to ratchet down the stress that you're putting on yourself.

And one of the The most important things that you can do in terms of a strategy is you have to tell yourself, this is a temporary period of my life. And what I need to do as a strategy is I need to prioritize my own well-being, my own stamina. Because remember, this period of your life isn't the sprint.

It's a marathon.

One of the most important strategies that you need is you need to get more rest. That's it. Instead Instead of piling things on, instead of adding more to your life, you need to get more rest. If it's available to you and you can get help, whether it's from your partner or your parents or maybe other moms in your mom group or that you know that have kids the same age, maybe you can swap time on the weekends so you can get time alone to do something like going to a yoga class or doing something for yourself. But your tool right now is ratchet down the pressure and stress. Remind yourself that this is a temporary period of your life where you are legitimately going to feel overwhelmed and it will pass. And with regard to your question about the morning routine, the Million Dollar Morning Routine, which, by the way, is something I explained in our episode about morning routines, and I will link to that episode in the show notes for you. But my Million Dollar Morning Routine, which is grounded in science and It helps me feel like a million bucks, and gives my day's structure, it's 20 to 30 minutes long tops.

I don't care how overwhelmed you are, you can fit it in. You get up when the alarm rings, you make the bed, you high five the mirror, you pull on your exercise clothes, you get outside and get a little bright light, and that could even mean sticking your head out of a window if you can't leave your two-year-old, but you could take your two-year-old on a walk, and you spend 10 to 20 minutes moving your body. You can do that in front of your laptop by streaming a workout.

You do those things every 20 minutes, and you will feel less stressed, you will feel less overwhelmed, and you will feel less resentment and pressure to fit it all in.

So again, if you identify with Laura, or with me, or with my friend Joni, and your life is in a stretch on this marathon that requires stamina, and That you have a legitimate reason to be overwhelmed because of life circumstances, cut yourself some slack. Know that this will not be forever, and focus on the strategy of protecting your stamina and doing simple things that help you with your well-being. The million dollar morning routine, 20 minutes is all you need, is one of those things.

I know you have a specific breathing pattern that is associated with a calm mind? Can you teach it to us?

I love it so much. It's the 15 second breath. If you're having a panic attack, this is going to fix it in two minutes or less. And what researchers discovered is you take twice as long to breathe out. As you breathe in, it produces an automatic relaxation response in your body. So the pattern is this, and it's four seconds in. Hold it for a second and a half, eight seconds out. Hold it for a second and a half.

Will you walk us through it?

So four seconds in. Hold it, eight seconds out. Hold it out. And then repeat. And I have an app called Happy Brain, H-A-P-I, Brain, and actually has a Pacer that does that for you. And all you have to do is when you see the circle get bigger, breathe in. When you see it get smaller, breathe out. And it's so simple. And try to breathe more diaphragmatically or more with your belly. So let the energy of breathing go lower in your body. And if you just practice this on a regular basis, cortisol will go down, and you're just going to get flooded with a feeling of calmness and relaxation. Now you got to practice. You have to create made a pathway in your brain of relaxation.

Why does this 15 second breath work?

Because it stimulates relates encourages your brain to go into a parasympathetic state. So there's a difference between stress, what scientists call sympathetic state, has nothing to do with sympathy. It's a bad word. But a sympathetic state is where I was on the beach at Corona Del Mar walking my dog, and I saw two pitbulls running toward me.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. So my heart went fast. I mean, it was panic and ended up turning out okay.

Well, what happened?

Now I'm on the edge of my seat.

Did you pick up your dog? Did they just jump up? No, he was a big white shepherd.

And I got bit. He ended up in the ocean. Yeah, it was a disaster. I still get triggered sometimes, which we should talk about a little bit. Because in my elite brain training program, it is critical to eliminate trauma, or at least to learn how to dissipate trauma, because I love walking on that beach so much. So I actually did a session of EMDR. I don't know if you've talked about EMDR. It's a specific psychological treatment for trauma. It's actually really cool. I have my patients write down 10 of their worst traumas, and then through a specific protocol, I'll have their eyes go back and forth while they bring it up, and it tends to help dissipate it. It's very powerful. Or when I go on that beach now, I'll often find myself doing this.

And what you're doing is rubbing your hands back and forth.

Right. And it's bilateral hemisphere stimulation in my brain. I feel it on one side, then the other side. And that just takes the anxiety that I might associate to that beach and washes it away, which can be so helpful. So many people, they drink to manage their anxiety from past trauma. They're using marijuana, now more magic mushrooms. And I'm like, no, no, no. There are way better ways to do that that are not potentially toxic for your brain.

Wow. We're going to have to come back and do a whole another episode on that for sure.

How do you a very busy brain?

So the first simple thing to do is the diaphragmatic breathing, the breathing pattern that we just talked about. The second thing that we haven't talked about, but so important is to direct your thoughts. I was 28 years old before I learned I didn't have to believe every stupid thing I thought. And I'm in class when I was a psychiatric resident at the Walter Reid Army Medical Center, and I heard my professor say that, and I'm like, No way. Because my mind would fairly torture me. I'm one of seven children. I was pretty much irrelevant. I have five sisters. There's a lot of chaos in my family, and my mind would torture me. And if If you start writing down your negative thoughts and just ask yourself whether or not they're true, and there's a whole process I teach my patients, it's just so helpful that I need to be the director of my mind rather than my ancestors' directed, or the voices of my parents' directed, or the news or the gossip at work. I need to be the director. And since I want to be happy, connected, purposeful, I often go, well, does this thought fit me being happy, connected, and purposeful?

And so Mel, just because you have a thought has nothing to do with whether or not it's true or whether or not it's helpful. Everybody has crazy thoughts. Jerry Seinfeld once said, The brain is a sneaky organ. All of us have weird, crazy, stupid, sexual, violent thoughts that nobody should ever hear. And just because you have a thought, it doesn't say one thing about you. It's just like the weather. It's not the thoughts you have that make you suffer. It's the thoughts you attach to that make you suffer. And when you really understand this, so we talked about the physical functioning of your brain. Well, now we're talking about programming.

Yeah, let's stop real quick because I want to ask you a question.

Because I want you to talk to the person that has never considered that they could direct their thoughts or that the things that they think aren't necessarily true. If there's a person hearing this, just like you were 28 years old sitting in a class when it first entered your mind.

Other than taking out a notebook and just start to write down the things that are popping in your mind, is there some other way to help someone kick the door open?

Because this is It's a revolutionary and life-changing concept when somebody first entertains the notion, Dr..

Amen, that you can direct what you're thinking about, and you can dismiss some of the crap that you torture yourself with as untrue. How do you begin this mental training and reprogramming?

So I don't have any tattoos, but if I got one, one of the first question, one of the first tattoos I would get is, Is it true? It's just start carrying that question around in your head. And so when you get a thought, my wife never listens to me. I've had that thought. If you have that question, then you don't automatically have to attach to it. You You can talk back to it. I don't know if you were good at talking back to your parents when you were a teenager, but I was excellent. And no one had ever taught me to talk back to myself. And so we don't have to believe the nonsense that's going on in our head. Just begin to think about it like the weather and then go, does this thought serve me? Does it help me? Is it even true? And it's so often the lies we tell ourselves that keep us overweight, depressed, and feeble-minded. And it's a revolution, I think, all second-graders. I actually have a children's book called Captain Snout and the Superpower Questions, where I teach kids not to believe every stupid thing they think. I call them ants, automatic negative thoughts.

So you need a little anteater patrolling the streets of your mind.

Hey, it's Mel. Thank you so much for being here. If you enjoyed that video, by God, please subscribe because I don't want you to miss a thing. Thank you so much for being here. We've got so much amazing stuff coming. Thank you so much for sending this stuff to your friends and your family. I love you. We create these videos for you, so make sure you subscribe.