Transcript of This One Study Will Change How You Think About Your Entire Life | Mel Robbins

I guess I spent so much of my life causing myself a lot of unnecessary heartache. It's because I didn't know any better.

You're not alone. I mean, so many of us, myself included, caused so much heartache just by what we imagined was true that wasn't really true about life.

True. And also chasing the wrong things. I just know that this really matters. Let's talk Think about first this study so that the person listening has context for why this study is so important, how it is different, and the impact that it can make on their life. Can you just tell us about the study?

Sure. First of all, nobody would ever have dreamed when the study began that we would still be going today. It started in 1938, and it We started with two groups of young men first, Harvard College undergraduates, so a very privileged group, and boys from Boston's poorest and most disadvantaged families, a It was a very underprivileged group. Then eventually, we expanded to spouses, we expanded to children. But initially, it was a study of thriving. The question was, what helps How do people make that transition from adolescence into young adulthood on good developmental paths? Of course, with Harvard undergraduates, we think, well, they've got their lives all set up. They're privileged. But with the inner-city boys, and they were on average about 12 when they entered the study, the question was, how do some children from really disadvantaged homes manage to stay on good developmental paths and grow up into healthy, happy adults. So both groups were studied with the question of what helps us thrive.

And how did the study work? So you started in In 1938, you've got a group of two very different people, right? Or that's the assumption because they come from very different backgrounds. And how did the study actually work?

Well, the Harvard Group consisted of 68 young men and the Inner City Group, 456. We started with medical exams, psychological interviews. We went to their homes and talked to their parents and sometimes their grandparents, and the workers made notes about disciplinary style in the home and even what was being served for dinner in 1938. Then they were followed all the way through adolescence into adulthood. Some famous John F. Kennedy was part of the Harvard Group. Ben Bradley, who was the longtime editor of the Washington Post. The Boston Strangler was part of the Inner City Group. But most people were not famous. They weren't infamously They were just living their lives.

Then how did you follow them? Because it didn't end with just this one series of interviews.

No. And most studies do end that way. Or most studies that try to follow people over time stop before 10 years are up because too many people drop out. So this study followed people year after year with questionnaires. How's your life going? Interviews every 10 years where we went to their homes and sat down with them and talked about their lives, medical exams, getting their medical records from their doctors. And this is the coolest thing. Eventually, we brought in new techniques. We studied the same big things like physical health, mental health, work-life, relationships. But we started bringing in new techniques as science developed them. Now we draw blood for DNA and messenger RNA. Those things weren't even imagined in 1938. We put people into the MRI scanner and look at their brains and how they light up when we show them different images. Again, people would have thought this was like something outer space. If we had told you in 1938, we could put you in a scanner and look inside at your brain. It's a really exciting way to see how we can bring in the new tools of science to look at the same questions about well-being.

What is the biggest takeaway from this 86-year-long study?

The biggest takeaway is that the people who live the longest, stay the healthiest, and are the happiest are the people who have more relationships with other people and warmer relationships with other people. That the people who literally saw more people in a given week, the people who felt happier with their relationships actually lived years longer and they stayed healthier. They didn't develop the diseases of aging as soon if they developed them at all, compared to people who were more isolated, who We didn't care about relationships.

What was the most surprising?

The surprise was not that relationships keep us happier, because sure, if we have warmer relationships, we're going to be happier. The surprise was that they keep us physically healthier. How could relationships get into the body and shape our physiology so that good relationships make it less likely that we'll get coronary artery disease They make it less likely that we'll get type 2 diabetes. How is that even possible? In the last 10 years, that's what we've been studying in our laboratory.

How is it possible?

Well, it turns out. The best hypothesis we have with good data is that it has to do with stress, that relationships are stress regulators. If you think about it, we're stressed at different times all day long. I might leave here and an hour from now, something really stressful might happen, and I can literally feel my body rev up, my heart rate revs up, my breathing gets faster, all that, right? A fight or flight response. What we know is that if I can go home and talk to somebody, if I can call somebody on the phone or talk to someone at home, I can literally feel my body calm down. And that's what the body is meant to do. So it's good that the body gets all revved up in response to stressors, to meet a stressor. But then it's meant to calm down. And what we think happens when we don't have good relationships is that we stay in a low level fight or flight mode where we have higher levels of circulating stress hormones, higher levels of white blood cells ready to fight off danger, and that those things gradually break down multiple systems in the body over One of the things that I thought was really interesting was that in the study that you could determine and predict who was going to be healthy at the age of 80 based on certain things you could see in the present.

Can you tell us about that?

Yeah. We had studied everybody out to age 80, and we thought, okay, we have all this information about them year after year after year. Let's look back at them in middle age. We picked Let's look back at everything we know about them and say, what are the strongest predictors? Since we know what they look like at age 80, what's the strongest predictor of who's going to be healthy and happy at age 80 when we look at age 50? When we looked, it wasn't their cholesterol levels. It was how happy they were in their relationships. Initially, we didn't believe it. We reanalyzed the data because we said, this can't be true. Then other studies of different groups of people began to find the same thing. That's how you know you have a scientific truth. Not when one study, even our study, shows something. It's when many studies point to the same thing.

So Dr. Waldinger, can you talk directly to the person listening? Because there are so many people that write in and listen to the show around the world who either feel super lonely or they are not happy in their relationships. What is your message to that person about what's possible for them?

Yeah. Well, if you think about it, there are many reasons why you might not be happy in your relationships, and there are many reasons why you might be lonely. So let's start with your current relationships. What are the reasons for not being happy? So at the worst end, there are really toxic relationships. There are abusive relationships. Relationships where we might feel afraid of a partner. Those are relationships where when we can, we need to step away. If there's violence, if there's terrible emotional or physical or sexual abuse. Okay, that's at the extreme end. But most of our relationships aren't troubled in that way. Most relationships have difficulties. I I've been married for 38 years. Do I ever have disagreements with my wife? Of course. I mean, any relationship with friends or family that's of any importance is going to have disagreements. Then the question is, are those relationships worth the work of working out difficulties? In many cases, they are worth the work. Then the question is, can you work it out? Can in fact, first of all, accept other people for the things you don't like as well as the things you like, just as we hope they'll accept us for the ways that I'm annoying and don't even realize it, maybe.

But then can you also work out differences? Can you talk about what you care about, what's difficult for you in the relationship, and see if you and the other person can come to a better understanding? Many times that's That's possible.

Tell us about what you learned based on this study and the experience of being lonely.

One of the things we've learned when we study loneliness is that the causes of why we're lonely are many. And so, again, the first step is to think about, why do I feel lonely? Remember, loneliness is that experience of feeling less connected to other people than I want to be. I could be I could be lonely in my marriage. I could be lonely in a crowd. It doesn't necessarily mean being alone on a mountaintop.

Can I just stop you right there? Because I think I just got something. I, just probably five years ago, was struggling profoundly with loneliness. I was extraordinarily busy, but I felt very disconnected from my husband, Chris. I felt like I never saw my friends. I didn't feel connected to the community that I I lived in. Even though I was surrounded by people all the time on planes, at work, even standing in the kitchen with my husband, Chris, I felt this deep sense of disconnection. But I read it as something is wrong with me, as just this indictment that I've done something. And the way that you just said it, I had this little epiphany where I was like, oh, wait a minute. What if when you feel lonely, it's just like a signal, like hunger or thirst, that there's something that you want? There's nothing wrong with you other than the fact that you need human connection. You need this feeling of belonging in your relationships. So I just wanted to make sure that as you're listening, that I highlighted that. One takeaway already is in those moments where you find yourself lonely, catch yourself on that default of making yourself wrong and go, oh, wait a minute.

I remember from this interview that I heard that this is actually a signal that there's something to do.

Exactly. That is perfect. And that moment of making yourself wrong or making the world wrong, that if we can get out of the mode of blaming anybody, but just say, oh, this means I want connection. It can be so helpful. Actually, when couples come into therapy and they're angry at each other, often what you get to help them see is that underneath what they're yearning for is, I want to be closer to you. And that once they get that, oh my gosh, everything changes. So once we stop blaming ourselves or anybody else, we just say, Oh, I'd like more connection. What's making that difficult right now? And then we start looking at the things that we might be able to do to make more connection.

So if you were to take that and turn it into something that somebody can do. So if you're listening and you do feel lonely or you're listening, you're like, Oh, I relate to what Mel just said, feeling very disconnected from your partner, is a Is it a simple step to simply go up and say, I've been feeling very lonely and I miss feeling connected to you?

Yes. Although that could feel like blame to a partner, but many partners will be okay with hearing that. Some partners may just need to hear, I'd love to spend a little more time. Could we go for a walk after dinner tonight? Making a positive suggestion might be a place to start.

I feel like I just got really good advice because I tend to go to Chris and just vomit the problem. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But making a positive suggestion for connection.

Yes, yes. Because often when we When we vomit the problem, which I do too, at times, when we vomit the problem, the other person is like, Well, what do I do about that? But what if we come with a suggestion of something that would help me feel more connected? And it can be small. It can be taking a walk. It can be, Could we plan a night, just the two of us, to go out to dinner this week? Something very specific that's not hard to say yes to, to Try that first. Now, what if you're lonely and what you realize is that I get scared when I'm with other people, like I'm afraid of being rejected? That's something that's possible to work on. There are, first of all, books you can read about getting through social anxiety. There's therapy for it. Perhaps you have a trusted friend or a family member who you could talk to about what it's like to walk into a room and realize that you're afraid that people aren't going to like you because many of us have that feeling. So social anxiety is one common reason why we hold ourselves back from people.

Sometimes it's that we need to put ourselves in situations where connection is easier. The way to do that, they've actually studied this in research, the quickest way to make friends is to to do something you care about or something you love to do, do it alongside other people and do it again and again with those same other people. Let's say you love gardening. Let's say you love pickle First of all, let's say you love fighting for climate protection. Anything that you love or that you're passionate about, put yourself in a situation where you can do that activity with other people Because first of all, it brings you in contact with new people. It also puts you in a situation where you share something. We both are worried about climate change, or we both love birdwatching. You have an immediate place to start conversations. If you're feeling awkward, well, how do I talk to this stranger? And so that turns out to be the quickest way to make new relationships. The other thing that's worth remembering when you're thinking What about talking to someone new is it's not going to go well every time, and that's okay.

Think of it more like being up to bat in baseball. If you hit the ball one time out of three, you are doing amazing. Chances are you're going to get a friendly response from a stranger many more times than one out of three. Most of the time, people are going to be kind to you and going to respond well. But don't worry if somebody doesn't. It might mean that they're just having a bad day or they're not in the mood to talk. Remind yourself that it's okay to try multiple times to talk to new people and that sometimes it's going to go well.

You did a mini Harvard study on your own life. And I would love to have you walk us through how you do that for yourself.

Okay. What we called the mini Harvard study was noticing how my view of my life changes as I get older, as I go through different phases of life.

Why is that important?

Why is it important? Because I used to imagine that once I got into my 20s, I was supposed to find a profession and I was supposed to find a partner and I had my friends and I was done. I wasn't really going to change very much. I would just go through my life and then die. Of course, we know that doesn't happen. But it's very important to remind ourselves of how much life changes and how much we change. The mini Harvard study is just go find a photograph of yourself. Maybe when you're half as old as you are now, look at that photograph and ask yourself, What did life look like to me when I was that age? What What is important to me? And how is it different now? How is it the same? What's important to me now that has always been important? But what has changed? And what you'll see is how we all grow and change as we go through life, and that that's not only okay, that's absolutely essential.

So I got a photo of myself. I am 27 years old in this photo. This was the day. If you're watching on YouTube, you can see it. If you're listening, it's a photo of Chris and I hours, literally, after we had just gotten engaged. And this is halfway through life. And so what are the questions that I'm asking myself?

So the question is, what did life look like to you then? What was most important to you then?

I felt like I had my whole life ahead of me, and I was building a life with Chris. And I guess what was important to me then was just him and making money. Yeah. That was the focus. How am I paying my rent? Because I was a public Defender, working for legal aid in New York City. It was very hard to pay my bills in New York City on $19,000 a year. And so I just was maniacally focused on making money and what is my next career move and how does Chris feel about me? That was the focus in life.

Okay, perfect. Now, what now? What's most important to you now as you look at your life?

Oh, boy. So much. I mean, if I had to boil it down, it would be relationships. It would be my relationship with Chris, the people I work with, our children, our friends, family.

And do you feel like you have your whole life ahead of you?

I do. I really do. I think one of the One of the things that has happened for me is that there was a gripping when I was 26 years old. Everything felt like life or death. And that might have been because I had no idea how much childhood trauma had impacted me. I was still profoundly struggling with anxiety. So I lived in a very fight or flight space, and I had not discovered the life-changing impact of really working on your inside life and settling your nervous system. The way that I would put it is I was really obsessed with the curtains on the window, what things looked like, how expensive they I remember. How does it look compared to everybody else's? And I had no idea how to enjoy the view.

Yeah. Well, and that is exactly what happens to most of us. As a species, we We get more appreciative of the view. We get less worried about what the curtains look like, and we look beyond to, oh, my gosh, the world is so beautiful. The world is so full of richness.

Because I was so obsessed with the stuff on the surface, like the outside stuff. I'm using the curtains as a metaphor, but the car that you drive, the amount of money that you make, the friend group that you're in, how much you weigh, what you look like, where you're buying a house, all that stuff on the outside that it fueled a lot of insecurity, and I didn't know what to do with it. When I think about where I'm at now, I am so focused on enjoying the view. And I really do believe that the best years of my life are ahead of me. Yes. That there are people that I will meet in the future that will be some of my most important relationships and friends that I haven't met Yes.

Now, one thing I want to say is that when you opened this podcast, you reminded our listeners, We're all going to die. Life is going to end. And what we think happens There's good research on this, is that as we get older, the reality that life is short, that it's limited, rather than making us depressed, it actually makes us happier because what we do is we start savoring life. We start paying attention to what's really important. The curtains, the brand of my car, not so important as, am I good to my family? Am I doing things that It means something to me in my life. What happens is we shed some of the things that when we put them next to the fact that life is short, they fall away. We realize they're just not that important.

If I'm hearing correctly, what you're saying is that one of the biggest things that somebody could take away from this conversation with you is that you are not hardwired to feel happy simply because you've achieved something. That happiness is tied to pursuing it, not the achieving of it?

Yes. If you do live by the belief that achievement will lead to happiness, that will cause you a great deal of unhappiness.

Oh, that's a big one.

In fact, that is one of the main causes for the levels of unhappiness that we see in our world because people are focusing on the wrong thing. They're climbing up the wrong mountain.

Can you break that down for us? Because I want to just stay on this point and highlight it because if thinking about happiness wrong creates unhappiness, explain to us how you want us to think about happiness.

So happiness is important. It matters. Just like we are hardwired not to celebrate successes forever, we're also hardwired to pursue happiness. It's not that I'm saying, Okay, forget about happiness. Happiness matters. However, there's also research, and this is research done quite recently by a Professor Moss, M-A-U-S, showing that if I wake up in the morning and say to myself, I want to be happy, or happiness is important for me, or it's a value for me, I will actually become less happy.

What? Wait a minute. Really?

That was exactly my reaction. That's a problem. I read about this five years ago, and I said, But that's what I'm dedicating my life to. Of course, happiness is important for me. And yet what the research clearly shows is that this will make you less happy. Does this mean we should kid ourselves, say to ourselves, I don't want to be happy, wink, wink, I actually do. Self deception is certainly not the path to happiness. So what do What do we do about it? Well, let me use an analogy that was very helpful for me in thinking about happiness. Imagine you go outside. It's a beautiful sunny day, and you want to enjoy the sun. You look up at the sun directly. What happens? You hurt yourself. It burns. It hurts. You tear up. Looking at the sun directly hurts. However, what if you take a prism and you break the sunlight, and then you look at what is just been broken. In other words, the colors of the rainbow. Then you can look at the sunlight and enjoy it, but you're looking at it indirectly. It's the same with happiness. Pursuing it directly and saying, I want to be happy.

Happiness is important for me. That That will make us unhappy. But if I break down happiness into its metaphorical colors of the rainbow and then pursue it indirectly, that is when I can actually become happier.

Okay, so I'm going to see if I can understand this because you're saying, I totally get the part that if you focus on something maniacally, right? You're going to get the sun spots. You cannot hold that intent gaze at something, even if you want to. But when the sunlight hits a prism and that cast a rainbow, you're saying that the rainbow is the way that you indirectly enjoy the sun. I have so many questions. The first one I have is, what is the definition of happiness?

There are five elements to happiness. There may be more, but five main elements to happiness, which we call the spire element.

The spire.

S-p-i-r-e. S stands for spiritual spiritual well-being. Spiritual well-being is about, of course, we can attain it through religion, but we can also find it through doing something that is meaningful to us, purposeful. By being mindful, by being present, we experience the spiritual. That's one of the colors of the rainbow. If I wake up in the morning and say, I want to be happy, I'll be less happy. But if I wake up in the morning and say, I want to find something which is more meaningful to do, or I'm going to meditate for 10 minutes now, that That is an indirect way of pursuing happiness. That's one of the colors. That's the S of spire, the P of spire. That's physical well-being. Physical well-being is about nutrition. It's about rest and It's not in recovery, sleep. It's about touch. It's about what we eat. That, of course, matters. If I start to exercise regularly, that's an indirect way of pursuing happiness. If I eat more healthfully, the same. Then we have the I of spire. I stands for intellectual well-being. That's about curiosity, about asking questions, about constantly learning, about deep diving, whether it's into a text or a work of art or nature.

And these are, again, all indirect ways of pursuing happiness. The fourth color of the rainbow, the R of spire, relational well-being. Number one predictor of happiness, quality time we spend with people we care about and who care about us. If I spend more time with my loved ones, indirectly pursuing happiness. Finally, the E of spire, emotional well-being. Emotional well-being is, first of all, about giving ourselves the permission to be human. In other words, embracing painful emotions that are natural part of any life, even a happy life, sadness, anger, frustration. Allowing these emotions to freely flow through us, paradoxically, actually leads to more happiness. So these five elements of happiness, spiritual, physical, intellectual, relational, and emotional well-being, are the metaphorical colors of the rainbow. When we pursue them, we're actually pursuing happiness indirectly and becoming happier.

As you were describing all five elements, you did keep saying the word well-being. And what I wonder as I'm listening, because it makes a lot of sense, that all of these components go into a a whole look at how to elevate or experience happiness in your life? What do I got to achieve next to feel that thing that I want to feel? How would you begin to explain to somebody like that what this actually means and how you pursue it. If you don't even know what happiness feels like, you got the wrong definition.

The first thing that I would do is I would take a step back and explore models of happiness. Because if you think about it, in our culture today, we have two major models of happiness. The one model of happiness, which is mostly associated with the West, is you become happier by achieving your goals. That's the most important thing. You get to the peak of the mountain, then be happy. That's a model that I tried and that many people tried. It doesn't really work. The other model that people veer towards is, Okay, so the future doesn't get us happiness, let's focus on the now. Let's just be in the present moment.

Yes.

That's an alternative model, which is mostly, again, this is very broad brush strokes, mostly associated with the East, meditation, mindfulness, being the here and now. There are problems with both models. We know what the problem is with the future-oriented model, but there's also a problem with the present-oriented model, and that is human nature again. Because we do want goals, we are ambitious, we do want to achieve things, and whether you're living here or in Vietnam. The question is, can these two models be reconciled? In other words, can you draw the best of both worlds? And the answer is yes. Goals matter. They're important, whether it is to win a championship in sports, or whether it is to get into a college, or whether it is to make X amount of money. Goals matter. We care about them.

Why do they matter in the context of happiness?

Well, they matter because, again, it's part of our nature. We want to improve, we want to get better, and that's a beautiful and wonderful part of our nature, which we ought to celebrate, not attack. That's a good thing. However, what we also know is that the achievement of these goals will not make us happy. What will make us happy? Not the achievement of these goals, but the existence of these goals. Whether or not I achieve them is actually less What's important to have them matters. Why does it matter? Because think about it, you go on a road trip and you've no idea where you're going. You turn left or right, you look over, am I falling over a cliff? What should I do today? Is this the right thing? You're meandering, you're not certain, you're not happy then. But if you know, I'm going to the top of that mountain over there, then you can go there with full energy, with motivation, especially if that mountaintop is meaningful to you, which is an important component of a goal, of course. You have a meaningful goal, you're going towards it. What does having that goal do?

What it does for you is it liberates you to enjoy the here and now.

That makes a lot of sense.

That's how the two of them are reconciled.

Because it gives your day-to-day life a sense of purpose and direction. I can see how if you wake up in the morning and you're either just going through the motions or you wake up in the morning and you're not quite sure what to do with your time because you're not quite sure what you want, how that lack of purpose then starts to probably make you think too much and probably make you start to dwell on questions like, Am I happy? Am I not happy? What should I be doing? I don't know. Am I lost? Am I stuck? I mean, I've certainly been in those areas of my life, and so you're absolutely right about that. I see what you're saying.

Then what that means is that that future goal is not an end, but rather a means. It's a means towards liberating you to enjoy the here and now.

All of you listeners who are my veggie garden lovers, honestly, I got to give you some huge props. It's astonishing how much work a vegetable garden is. So I got a I'll tip my hat to you because I do not have that in me. But it is so cool that you are into that. But I want you to check out this research about gardening, whether you garden or not, whether you like flowers, whether you like veggies, whether you don't garden at all. Because this research about gardening, it relates to whether you are growing vegetables, whether you're working in a flower garden. You could just be working in your yard, or you could be volunteering and helping at a local farm or helping do a project at the local elementary school. I mean, this is something that I do. I volunteer with a local farmer. I help this friend of mine, Annette. She has this flower farm called Fleur Farm. A bunch of women in the community, we all get together in the spring and in the fall, and we get our hands in the dirt because we're trying to help Annette get 50,000 dolly bulbs into the ground.

Here's why getting your hands in the dirt matters. Whether you're volunteering to clean up a local park, or you're helping a local farmer, or you're getting your hands dirty in your own backyard. Wait till you hear about the connection between digging in the dirt and happiness. According to research, gardening boosts two feel-good chemicals in your brain, and the reason why is going to blow your freaking mind. It boosts dopamine and serotonin. Now, I want you to stop and think about your own life, okay? When was the last time you had your hands in the dirt? Were you helping mom and dad plant something? I remember for me growing up, this is what we did every single weekend. I got my love of flowers and gardening from my parents. And Memorial Day in particular, which is usually the end of May here in the United States always marked the beginning of summer. It was like, boom, gardening season is on. Depending on where you live in the US or where you live in the world, you never want to plant any plants on the ground before the end of May because the frost could come and kill them.

So end of May, Memorial Day, United States, Mel Robbins growing up in Western Michigan, we would load up into the Jeep Wagoneer and we would drive to the garden center, and I would go with my mom, and we would walk up and down the aisles and she would buy all the plants for her pots and all the plants that were annuals for her beds, and we would spend all weekend long with our hands in the garden. It was one of my most favorite things to do with my mom and dad, that ritual of getting the plants, getting the beds ready for the season, getting them into the ground. In fact, that's where it comes from. That's why I love this so much. Maybe you grew up doing this, too. Even if you didn't, those experiences that you've had where your your hands are in the ground, where you're picking something or you're digging something. It's primal. This may be a little woo-woo, but it's almost like you're getting in touch with your ancestors, right? Because it's how we evolved. And when you hear the research study as to why dopamine and serotonin kicks in, it's going to freak you out.

Because the truth is, there is a very real connection between you, your life, and this planet, this living, breathing planet that you live on. I mean, think about the last time you were digging in the dirt, right? You shoved the shovel in, you're turning it over. It's like an act of creation. It's powerful. You are literally clearing space for something new to grow. I mean, it's so cool. I just love getting my hands in the dirt. And if you're a fellow gardener, I can feel it. You're like nodding. You're on your walk, you're nodding along. People are walking past you going, What is that weird person doing nodding along with a big smile on my face? You're probably now going, I got to go to the garden center this week. I got to get my plant. I got to go. I got to go. It begs the question, though, how exactly does dirt make you release serotonin and dopamine? Well, researchers have an answer. Turns out the contact with the soil and a specific soil bacteria called mycobacterium vaci triggers the release of serotonin in your brain. This is all according to research. Now, serotonin is also what you've probably heard researchers talk about as the happy chemical.

And lack of serotonin in the brain causes depression in people. Here's something else that I found in my research. There's a release of dopamine in your brain when you harvest anything from your garden, whether it's fruits or vegetables or berries or even the flowers that you cut that you've grown. You get a little drop of dopamine. Now, dopamine, as you probably know, is tied to this reward center in the brain. It has to do with craving and reward and drive. It gets really interesting when we dig into the research, because it explains why we all flocked apple orchids in the fall. We all want to pick apples. Right now, where I live, it's all about picking your own strawberries. Maybe it's picking your own strawberries or peaches where you are. And you know, I got to tell you something funny. My mom is really funny about the pick your own farms, because she grew up on a huge cattle and produce farm in upstate New York, outside of Buffalo. For those of you in the Buffalo area, we're talking about Bipperts Farms. That's my grandparents and my aunts and uncles say, Hello, if you stop by.

She grew up on a farm picking produce. We'll drive past a farm where I am or when I visit her in Michigan, she's like, I grew up picking that crap. I'm going to pay and just pay for it in the basket. I'm not picking it anymore. I'm not going to pay to pick. She's very funny about that thing. You and I, we pay to pick. But you're not going to believe why. Well, researchers have this theory that the response and this reward that you get the satisfaction of plucking a berry off a branch, this response has evolved over nearly 200,000 years of hunter-gatherer society. Now, stop and think about that. It makes sense, right? When you're arrival dependent upon you finding food. Of course, when you found food way back in the day, there was a flush, a reward of dopamine, released in the reward center of the brain, and it triggers this mild state of bliss or euphoria because, Oh, my God, I'm not going to die. I found the berries I was forging for. In a modern society, you and I feel that when we see a bag of potato chips, but our ancestors were like, oh my gosh, thank God.

Holy cow. I found a potato. I'm not going to die. The dopamine release can be triggered today by simply seeing fruit or a berry or smelling one, as well as the action of plucking the fruit. And here's a little tidbit for you that really, really blew my mind. This same principle of seeing or picking a berry and getting that drop of dopamine, you're like, Oh my God, I found the thing that's going to keep me alive. It's the exact same biolog It's a neurological process that creates compulsive shopping disorder. Kind of crazy, right? Why? Well, because you're picking things off the shelf. You're finding a deal. It's like the sad, modern version of the hunter-gatherer mechanism. Rewarding for finding something. It's wild. Maybe that's why I'm a compulsive gardener, because I'm constantly feeling rewarded by growing things. I just think it's so fascinating, don't you? That all this stuff is right underneath your nose. And as I'm unpacking it and you look at the research and we explain it, that you just know it's true. You know it's true. That all the research and the science is underscoring that blooms, erase the gloom that you may feel.

I mean, literally, it is the most beautiful, simple, and fabulous way to be happier and to feel better in your day-to-day life. So starting today, I really do want you to take this research and just apply it and see how you feel. I want you to have fresh-cut flowers in your house. Why? Because it's proven to make you feel happier. And when you do that for yourself, I know that you are going to feel like you're doing something nice for yourself. And that's a really great way to improve the relationship that you have with yourself, your sense of self-worth. Do it. Do you want to have a more meaningful life? Then you have to start creating what researchers call warm relationships. And warm relationships aren't necessarily with the people that you know. They're with the people all around you that you don't know. And so I want to dig into the research. To do that, I want to introduce you to somebody named Dr. Robert Wauwdinger. Now, Dr. Robert Wauwdinger might sound familiar to you because earlier this year, he appeared on the podcast. He's a researcher and medical doctor at Harvard. What he shared with me was so eye-opening.

Dr. Wauwdinger is the lead researcher of something called the Harvard Study of Adult Development. Now, the Harvard Study of Adult Development is the longest in-depth study of human happiness ever done. This study has been going on for 86 years, and it's still going on. One of the things that researchers at Harvard found across generations of people from all different backgrounds is that there is this one truth about all human beings. Positive relationships are essential to your well-being and happiness. His team, in crunching all the data, bottom-lined their research this way, that good relationships keep you happier and healthier. You want to hear something even crazier? The team at Harvard can accurately predict who is going to be happy at the age of 80. You want to know how? Because they figured out in this study that But when people were satisfied with their relationships when they were around the age of 50, they turned out to be the healthiest people, mentally and physically, when they were 80. I want you to listen to Harvard's Dr. Wauwdinger because he's going to explain why this matters.

The biggest takeaway is that the people who live the longest, stay the healthiest, and are the happiest are the people who have more relationships with other people and warmer relationships with other people. That the people who literally saw more people in a given week, the people who felt happier with their relationships actually lived years longer and they stayed healthier. They didn't develop the diseases of aging as soon if they developed them at all, compared to people who were more isolated, who didn't care about relationships.

Let me just underscore what he said and then I'm going to connect it to these unexpected connections that you can have with strangers. He says, If you want to improve your health and happiness, just focus on one thing. And so how do you do that? Sometimes, all it takes to meet some of your most favorite people in your lifetime is simply saying hello. And in fact, the very first story proves it. And it begins at 07:00 PM, one random night at a hostel in Bali, when a woman walking to the communal shower at the hostel was stopped by a stranger. Now, just trust me on this. I know how that sounds. So let me back up a bit and give you some context. Because this first story is actually about our oldest daughter, Sawyer. So Sawyer had always dreamt of going on a solo backpacking trip around Asia. She had dreamt of this for a decade. She had saved all this money, and all of a sudden, she made it a reality. She flies halfway across the country alone as a 24-year-old woman. She lands in Bali. It is 07:00 PM at night. She is jet lagged.

She does not have her bearings. She does not know where she is. She is in a country for the first time alone on this six-month adventure. She gets to the hostel where she's staying for the night. She checks in, she's got her backpack on. She's like, What am I going to do? Okay, I'm on this thing I've always thought about. And all of a sudden, across the room, she sees a woman about her age, and she thinks, Okay, there's another woman here. The hostel is going to be safe. I'm going to be okay. After I get myself settled, I should go talk to her. Sawyer checks in, and she tells me that she finds her cot or her bunk bed or wherever it is that she's supposed to put her stuff. As she's getting settled, she sees the woman again, and she thinks to herself, This is my opportunity. I got to on it. I got to go ask her if she has any plans tonight or what she's doing or where I should go for dinner because I have no idea what I'm even doing, except the woman is wrapped in a towel on her way down the hall to take a shower.

Now, when Sawyer told me this story, I just had to laugh because can't you picture it? This woman in her 20s, she's in a hostel, she's in a towel, she's in her flip flop. She's probably got that little shower catty that people carry when they're in communal showers. She has no idea that she is about to get pounced on by my over-eager daughter, Sawyer, who's like, Oh, my God, I got to get this. And Sawyer tells me that she had to use the five-second rule in her mind so she could get the courage to go talk to this woman before it was too late. So she goes, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. And then she went right up to her and said, Hi, I'm Sawyer. Where are you from? And Sawyer was nervous, but she did And Sawyer was even more nervous when the woman paused and fixed her towel and then said, after what seemed like hours, I'm Naomi from London. I mean, can you imagine how awkward that moment was? One of them standing in the towel, the other one is jet lagged, having just got off a plane, having no idea what to do, where to go.

But they got through it. They ended up talking for a little bit in the hallway, and then Naomi went to go take a shower. Sawyer was kicking herself because she didn't ask Naomi what she was doing tonight. Sawyer desperately wanted to tag along or at least get a good recommendation for some food nearby. A little later, Sawyer saw Naomi, who looked like she was getting ready to go out, and she knew that she was going to be lonely eating dinner by herself if she didn't approach her again. She wanted to make this connection. She blurts out, Hey, Naomi, what are you doing tonight? And that unexpected encounter, with a very awkward beginning, as a stranger was heading to the shower, created a really beautiful friendship. See, Sawyer and Naomi not only went out to dinner and immediately clicked with each other. They made a deep and meaningful connection that night that was so strong that they traveled together for the next four months. I mean, Four months is a long time. One hello, and the conversation that followed sparked that. And you want to know what? Naomi is now one of Sawyer's best friends in the entire world.

They talk almost every day, all because Sawyer leaned in. She trusted her gut, she took the chance, and she made the connection. That's all it takes. And I'm here to tell you, those opportunities are all around I mean, she made what was nothing, two strangers passing each other in a hallway into something meaningful. And think about the number of people that pass by you every single day. Do you know how many people do that? Or who you're sitting next to at the coffee shop, or who you sit down next to or across from the train every single day? Just imagine. One hello leads to one conversation that could lead to somebody that you have never met becoming a really good friend. So how do you create this momentum in your life? Because let's get real here. It's all good to talk about just being more chatty or smiling more. I mean, everything seems easy to do, but then you don't do it. So let me ask you, why don't you do it? Because I think when you hear a story like that, and you probably, if you really stop and think about it, you can think back to meeting some of your closest friends and think about Well, that really was a chance encounter.

And then it changed the trajectory of my life. Well, I'll tell you, why don't we lean in more? Why don't we say hello more? I'll tell you why. Number one, you don't think it actually matters. You don't think saying hello to somebody matters. And what you're going to learn over and over and over again through these five real-life stories and through the research is that this not only matters, but your health and happiness depends on the relationships you create. And the second reason why we don't When you do this is that in the moment where you're sitting there and you're sitting next to a stranger, or you see somebody walking down the hall or they step into the elevator who could be the person you're supposed to meet, it just feels awkward, doesn't it? Because you haven't met him yet. This is always going to be the case. Because that moment right before you lean in, the moment right before you approach, the moment right before you say hello, there is always that moment where you feel feel vulnerable when you go first. And even in situations where you're with a bunch of other people that are all brand new, like think about moments where you're starting college, or you're starting a new school, or you're starting a new job, and it's the job where a bunch of people start at once, and everybody's in the same orientation.

Even though you're all new and nobody knows nobody, it still feels awkward to go first. And I know exactly what you think when you see somebody, anything I should say, Oh, they look busy. I don't want to interrupt their day. I don't want to annoy them. I don't want to look like some creep. Or maybe they're going to turn out to be weird. Or maybe you're worried it's going to seem awkward or weird. I'm here to tell you, you need to do it anyway. Go first. That's one of my rules in life. I'll go first. In fact, one of the things that I notice a lot is that when I'm out and about in real life, and so many listeners of the podcast come up to me, and you want to know what? I love it. I love meeting you in real life. I love hearing the stories about how what I'm sharing with you and our connection is changing your life for the better. It's just so cool. But what I've noticed is that 90% of the time when you say hello, the first thing you say is, I don't want to bother you.

And what's interesting about that sentence is it acknowledges that you think it's going to be awkward when you approach somebody and you go first. And here's what I want you to know. I'm proud of you for saying hi. I love it when you say hi, and I also get that you're trying to respect my time, especially with my family, which I appreciate. But 90% of the time, even though it feels awkward, even though you feel a little vulnerable, when you talk to somebody and you go first, they talk back. And this isn't just Mel, your friend, saying this. I came with research people. Research. Research that proves that not only are you going to feel a little awkward when you talk to a stranger, but here's what the research proves. Check this out. That you actually do enjoy what happens when you talk to a stranger. Let me unpack this for you because this is going to be like, you're kidding me, right? This was a research study done at the University of Chicago, and they set up this experiment that involved commuters on trains. Let me put you at the scene. They took a group of commuters, and they divided them into two groups, okay?

And they said, Group number one, here's what we want you to do. We want you to just go about your commute like you normally do. What does that mean? You sit on the train and you ignore people and you don't look at them. You read the book, you listen to your music, you just mindlessly scroll on your phone, whatever it is that you normally do that involves not looking at anybody else or making eye contact or talk, because nobody does, right? That's your assignment. The other group, okay, the second group, here's your assignment. You have to strike up a conversation with a stranger who is sitting near you during the commute. Here's where it gets interesting. Before they put the two groups on the commuter train, they asked the groups, Okay, how much do you think you're going to enjoy the assignment? Of course, the people who were told, You got to talk to strangers, they were literally like, I'm not going to enjoy this at all. This is going to completely blow. Wait to hear what happened. Because when the whole assignment was over and they asked both groups, the people who literally just read their books and didn't talk to anybody, and the people who were forced to talk to strangers.

Okay, how do you feel after your commute? You're not going to believe what people said. The people who were forced to talk to strangers were way happier than the people who just sat there and did what they normally do. And they were not just happier, by the way. They were way happier. Why? Well, the researchers are here to tell you why. That unexpected connections energize you. And here you and I are thinking, it's awkward. You know what it is? It's actually awesome. These unexpected conversations make you feel like you belong. They make you feel like you matter. And if you stop and think about it, it makes sense because you're not sitting there on autopilot, ignoring the rest of humanity. Once you start talking to someone, what happens? It's make you come alive because the life force energy inside you, sparks. And you also underpredict how happy a random conversation with a stranger will make you feel. Instead, you're sitting here thinking, Oh, it's going to be a mess. It's going to be awkward. I'm going to be You talk yourself out of it. And you want to know what else is cool? The research shows it not only makes you happier, it makes the stranger happier, too.

And so many of you write in and you're like, Mel, Mel, Mel, will you do an episode about your secrets to Success. One of these days, I will, but I'm going to tell you something. Going first and talking to, quote, strangers is one of my secrets to success, because I believe every single stranger could become a good friend, a connection, a business partner. Do you remember a moment or some? Because I know nobody wants to care. Nobody wants to worry about what other people think about them, and yet it's a hard thing to teach yourself to really care more about what you think of yourself than what other people think of you? Is there any advice that you have about how somebody who is in that stage of people pleasing or lying or feeling really insecure about who they are, how they could really learn how to care more about how they feel about themselves?

They could listen to some of your podcasts.

Oh, Judy. I'm serious. It would help.

I'm serious. Or some of your books. I mean, read some of these books about yourself or how to make yourself a better person.

Yeah, that's true, because when you start to prioritize your health and you start to give back to other people and you start to really spend time doing some of the things that you've always thought about doing, whether it's taking a painting class or taking up a journaling practice or seeing yourself getting out and walking every day, you do become proud of yourself. And when you're so busy trying to impress other people, I think deep down, you're not really proud of yourself. And so that's one way that you can stop caring so much about other people is really do invest the time in bettering yourself and your health and learning more and giving back, and you'll start to notice you're proud of yourself.

Yeah, for sure.

What do you wish you knew when you were younger that you know now?

Oh, I certainly wish that I had concentrated about learning in school. I never cared about learning. I just cared about having a good time all through grammar high school, high school, right through college. And now I think that's why I read so much because I never did when I was young. It's such wasted time that I mean, I went to such a good high school, and all I did was have a good time.

What is your biggest regret now that you're 86?

That's probably it, is not learning all the things that I... I mean, I'm very street smart.

Definitely.

But I'm not book smart.

I think that's a story you tell yourself. You are one of the most well-read people I know.

I know.

Judy, you tell this story that You're not... Like street smart, book smart. I think you're very smart. I wish you would change that story. I know.

Well, I know other people have said that, too, but I live in my own shell. I know what I know and what I don't know.

Okay. Well, you're very humble in that regard. But you are one of the most well-read people I know. You forward me more New York Times articles than the New York Times does to read. So yes, you are very well-read. Could you speak directly to the person who's listening to you right now, and maybe they feel like the best days of their life are behind them. What would you say to them?

I would say that when you wake up in the morning, you say to yourself, I am so grateful that my eyes opened and that I can swallow and I can get out of bed, brush my teeth, and start a day. How lucky am I? I don't care whether you have to reach for a cane or a walker or anything. The fact that you have the privilege to still be alive, I am very, very grateful for that.

And how about somebody who feels like they're really behind in life? You've got three sons, and they've been in various stages in their careers, and you've got all these grandkids. And so you've seen not only in your own life, but you've seen in the lives of family members and people that you care about, that people can start to feel like, I'm not as successful as I should be, or my marriage is, or whatever it may be, I'm not where I should be. What's your advice when you see somebody who feels behind in life?

I would start probably looking at books about how to better yourself emotionally You don't have to learn another language or anything like that. But there's so much out there that you can learn by just reading about little things that you can tweak about yourself.

So there are going to be so many listeners around the world, Judy, that not only fall in love with you, but are now thinking about their grandparents or their parents, right? And I know they are going to forward this episode as a little nudge, Like, come on now, you could have more energy. I really want you to feel more connected. I'm worried about you being so lonely. Maybe you should volunteer. They're going to be wanting to prod them along a little bit. What advice would you have for someone who wants to really inspire their loved ones to find more energy and meaning in their life, even into their 80s, 90s, and 100?

Well, if they could encourage their parents or their grandparents, they could say something like, Why don't we take a walk together? Young people tend to want to tell their parents or their grandparents to do this, do that, do that. But how about saying, You know what? Let's do this together. If you don't live close by, get on a plane or drive there. You want to take a walk around the block? You want to take a walk? Don't always make it up to them to have to do it all by themselves.

I think that's amazing. So one of my best friends, Jody, moved from Santa Barbara back home to Michigan. And she, part of the impetus, was just feeling like, I don't know how much time I'm going to have with them. And going, I want to be there and go on the walk with them. And I love that thing. Don't give them the advice. Sign up for the class with them. She was just explaining this the other night. She was like, What are you doing this week? She said, Well, I found a opportunity to judge a bass fishing competition. So I signed my dad and I up, and we're going to go, and I have no idea how to judge a bass fishing competition, but he's so excited And I thought, what a beautiful thing that you weren't just prodding him to do something, that you found something and that you are doing it with him. So many people write in and say they wish their life was more purposeful. How have you found a sense of purpose in your life now that you're 86?

Just staying connected. I think that so many people think I should have a hobby. I think that's full of... You don't have to have a hobby. You just have to have a reason why you want to get up. And that reason is that you're so lucky that you can, that you can do something. I mean, I just called my best friend from high school who I haven't spoken to in... God, I don't know when, just to see if she's alive because she's the same age as I am.

Was she?

Yes, but not in great mind, I don't think.

In terms of Alzheimer's or dementia?

I don't know. I think so. I mean, she usually would ask me about myself or my kids, and it was a little flat, a little like, I just assume, get off the phone. Got you. But I'm glad I called her. And then after that, last week, I just called another friend, and I did connect with her so that I could find out high school was... We graduated in 1955. Wow.

So you make an effort. You literally... It sounds like there's two things. First of all, you practice this profound sense of gratitude that you even woke up. And the second thing is you make it a point to reach out to people every day. That that connection, whether it is reciprocated or not, is something that gives your life meaning.

Yes. And I think what's really important is don't expect to have a feedback. We have this chain called Robin's Gang, and I send out a picture.

It's a family. It's a multi-generational family group chat that everybody's on, that Judy created.

And so I'll send out a picture, which I just did this week.

Literally two people will heart it.

Yeah, maybe. Maybe no one.

There's 18 of us on there.

I get nothing. So maybe I'll send it out again, and I still don't get anything. Well, I don't harbor. I don't think like, oh, my God, they don't love me or they're not... They're busy. But at least I'm making them aware that I'm still around.

I think that's a really important part because it is so easy to put something out, whether it's I always invite or I always call, or I'm always the one putting something in the family group chat, and nobody's reciprocating. It's very, very easy to start to get resentful and to then pull back. You don't do that.

Well, everybody's busy. I I know that. It's my way of saying, Don't forget about me. I'm still around.

It is amazing. It's not so easy to do. If the person listening, Jude, takes just one action based on everything that you spoke about today, what do you think the most important thing to do is? Is it the ginger snaps with the smoothie? The most important. Yeah. If they only take... Because everybody's busy and they're going to listen and really laugh with you and forward this to somebody that they love to inspire them to start walking or connecting or feeling more grateful or realizing that the best days aren't behind you because the days are what you make of them. And the people that you care about are still there. And there are people that you know that are still there. And you can reach out. And so there's a lot that you've given people to think about, whether it's jumping out of airplanes or getting a tattoo or Or your just philosophy of staying active and why even reading and walking every day gives more energy to your life. So there's a lot. And I love to have the person listening know what you think the singular most important thing is? They're not going to remember everything.

So what's the most important thing in your mind if they were only to follow one piece of your advice that would make the biggest difference?

To reach out to your friends. Stay connected so you don't feel alone. That would be the most important because loneliness will just bring you down, and that brings sickness, taking meds that you probably don't even need. One thing leads to another. If you stay connected, if you have a problem, pick up the phone and be honest with your friend. If you cry, cry. Say, I'm Only can I come over and see you? So we don't have a lot of time in this world. So I think you reach for the golden ring when you can still see it.

That's beautiful. What are your parting words?

Stay in love.

Stay in love? What does that mean?

Just love your being. Love yourself, love your friends, love your life. You just You never know when it's going to end. And believe me, when you get to be my age, you think a lot more about the fact that you have a lot of friends who aren't here anymore.

I wonder you're the most popular expert we have on the Mel Robbins podcast.

Thank you, Mel.

No, thank you. I love you. You are such a gift to all of us, but to me in particular. I just love you so much.

I love you. And I love your podcast.

Thank you. I'd just love to hear what did it feel like to write three pages. How can I make this easy? I feel like I just flushed a toilet. It's not a very profound way to put it, but it just like... Good riddance. Spiritual flush, man. Spiritual flush. Good riddance. I feel lighter. How do you feel, Jessie?

I feel like I just went through my own little therapy Happy session. I mean, I started off really crying, writing it. Not, like really afraid, not knowing what to write. And then you ended it with like... I don't know. It's night and day with my first sentence, my first two sentences versus my last two, which is really cool. I hit every emotion in that, which I did not expect.

Are you comfortable reading the first sentence?

Yeah. I said, breathe, be still, be present. Hug your husband, hug Myrtle, my cat. Relax. Trust your gut.

Why does that make you emotional?

Because I need to say it more often. That's what I need to do. And just breathe, be still, be present. Hug my husband, hug my cat. Those little joys. I probably don't do them enough. Do more do as often, I don't want to say as I should, because I need to stop saying I should. Yeah, there's that. But just being still and being present.

It's so profound, isn't it? Yeah, and that was- It's just the little things that we're not even present to because we're busy, should have done this, should have done that, that we're not hugging the people we love. We're not greeting the cat.

We're not running out the door. We're onto the next. I feel that, too. Just even as you said that, I didn't really hug my husband as I left this morning.

Yeah, I didn't either.

Shit, I didn't either.

Yeah.

And that's an easy change.

Yeah.

But I started with that with literal handshaking, just because I didn't know how to start this, where to start? What is easy? It's easy to breathe. It's easy to be still, and right now to be present with this pen and paper.

How did you end it?

I ended it very confident. Wow.

I want to hear this.

Yeah. If I can read just like, yeah. Whatever you're comfortable with.

I want to hear it.

We're around the holidays, even though I know you said, don't read your papers.

Yeah, I don't.

Before you burn them. But Since it's holidays, there's a lot of stress around holidays, just being with family. We don't live near our family, and they've never been a tradition. So I just said, it's okay to not be with family for Thanksgiving. It's okay to spend my first Thanksgiving in our new home together with FaceTime. It's all okay how it is. Stop putting pressure to make others happy. Are you happy? Yes. Be thankful for you and your language. Your new tribe starts now. Oh my God. I see.

Wow. That is...

I don't... There's anger in here. There was frustration in here. There was doubt. And it just comes out of like, no, you're fucking happy. It's okay to be happy and not be pulling in the dark side because everyone else does it, or it's easy to relate on the dark, or that's all you know. That's all you've been trained to do and communicate that way.

That's what most of us are trained to do.

Yeah. I can relate to my mom so easy off of guilt and off of bad news. What if I don't have any? I find it, and that's what I will talk to her about. Now it's just It's changed that language. Only present the good that I have a lot of that I don't give love to, whether it is my husband and my cat or it is just being thankful for myself.

It's beautiful. Yeah.

That is really moving that you start off in one place and that you end in another and you end with the Jessie that you want to talk to.

What did you say?

Well, you know what's really funny is I had a very similar theme to Jessie.

Relax.

Just relax. Just be in the moment and relax yourself. I don't know. Yeah, it was a little bit about breathing, too. I mean, it's a really similar idea. Are you laughing?

What about the end? What about the end?

The end is, as I often find the end to be when I do this practice, is like, All right, I can do this now that I took my emotional... What did you call it? Spiritual dump? I've got this, and I can do this. I ended in the same spot about a totally different topic, but I ended in the same spot. I can do this. Wow. Yeah.

Well, I started obviously with, I don't know, screw you, Amy. I wrote, The cat is pushing me off. He feels hard. He's peeing in the bathroom. He's peeing on the floor of the locker room. He's scratching the new runner on the stairs. He's needy and loud in the middle of the fucking night. He draws, homey, our puppy over, leans in to sniff him as if he loves him, then fucking swats at him like, What a dick. Easy. So I go on and on bitching about the cat. Yeah. And then by the end of it, similar stuff What about the holidays, because I always deeply miss my family around the holidays. And yet I asked my folks to come, and they said no, they wanted to be in Florida. And I asked them to come for Christmas, and they said no. It just makes me so sad. And so how can this be easy? Open the door, let love in, Let them be exactly who they are and who they aren't. Just figure out what makes me happy and do those things. Take a breath. Tell myself, you're in a five-year experiment right now of healing, of happiness, and of creating a spiritual home raise for yourself, Mel.

How can this be easy? Let go. Stop gripping and just love.

Oh, holy shit, Mel.

Oh, yes.

That's incredible. That's beautiful. Same thing was true about the cat, because I realized I'm so pissed off at him and I need to come from love because he's clearly in distress. Something's up. He can't fix this himself. So I got to rise above all of this resentment and anger that I feel and just shower him with love and help him figure it out. Because Chris is going to kill him. He keeps peeing in the house.

That was really cool. And again, I didn't think I could fill up three pages, but it just kept going. Once you really get into it, flush the toilet.

Flush the toilet. Well, I'll tell you what I know from doing this, and this is just my experience is, a lot of times you don't want to do it. There's resistance. You don't think you can do it. You can't fill a page. You don't want to talk about it, whatever it is. And then once you get going, it's like just the floodgates open.

Yeah, I think this is an act of... I think about this like, reprogram your mind. I think one of the reasons why so many of us love prayer or meditation or oracle cards or reading a book like the Book of Awakening that gives you a daily devotional is that it gives you a new thought to anchor onto when your old one sucks. And this prompt, how can this be easy, forces you to have a new thought to anchor on instead of the old one, which for all of us, I'm going to say, is what's wrong, what's not working? What's hard? What's the problem? What do I have to complain about? Yeah.

Give your mind a different job. Your mind right now has a job of looking for what's horrible, cutting it down to make it the worst ever, not accepting joy, not accepting happiness. That's the job that most of us give our mind. That's the job that I realized I gave my mind all the time. How can this be even worse? What's that getting me?

Well, and here's the thing. I don't think this is the wake-up call, everybody. You didn't realize that your mind was doing this job. It's been doing it for so long. It just runs on repeat. So now it's time for us to take control. Put down the damn sword, stop the campaign of misery, pick up the fucking pen and write a new chapter for real. Train your brain to spot how things this can be easy. Train your brain. How can this be easy? How can this make me happy? How can I let love in? Start writing a whole new way to think. That's what I'm going to do. Let's go burn this shit.

Let's go burn it. You already crumpled yours up, which is great. I'm going to actually rip mine up because I just feel like that gets out a little extra emotion. Yeah, Jessie's feeling it.

See you. See you. I just felt something like... I feel like a rip. Rip it up. Rip it up.

Wow. Look at how that just landed. This be easy on top.

All right. So sometimes that happens, too. Sometimes you really get a message even in that. So then I just light it, take a match, and I light Jessie's for her. And sometimes it's more difficult than...

Do you mean a hold your mic. And sometimes There we go. Oh, thanks. Wow.

And then I just have a habit of standing back from it and watching it burn and just saying to myself, let it all go. Just let all that complaining, shit you don't need, and the stuff you don't want, let it be gone.

What do you do when it stops burning? Like, I'm now worried about yours.

Mine? Yeah, I know. Sometimes that happens because mine's not lighting.

You know, it's funny. That crumpled, ashy remain is what that black tar wave of misery actually felt like.

You're right.

That I felt this morning. Wow. Like that physical burnt paper that's left in that pyrox dish looks like misery. Yes. That's what I feel when I think, for example, about the kids all leaving instead of being present in the moment.

It's sad. Yeah.

Oh, yours is smoking.

I know. I'm having some difficulty with mine.

Not really. It's just taking some... Just taking a little time. Amy's burning hers. What are you feeling, Jessie?

Very satisfied. I don't know why that happened so fast, and there's so much hesitation to write it. How do I start it? How do I do this? This is this. And it was easy.

Isn't that incredible? That's it, right?

It's easy. It's easy. And I feel so much better. If I do this again tomorrow, will I write most the same stuff? Of course. I think a lot of it will be the same right now. But again, you keep burning it. Keep getting rid of it. It was easy.

Chris will be out here in his ice barrel doing the cold flunge, and I will be doing the fire ceremony.

Yeah.

With my thoughts.

Yeah.

Putting the sword down. What do you think, Mel?

Yeah, what were your thoughts?

Seeing the physically burnt paper is very helpful for me because now I have this image to attach to the thoughts and the feelings so I can separate from it because I just want to be happier in my life. And the only reason that I'm not is because of this battle that I engage in. Right. And so that almost honestly looks like a burnt sword. It just put I put it down. I felt the same thing you did, too, Jessie, that it's a lot of work to carry this shit around. It's a lot of work, even though it's subconscious to be griping and complaining and present to what's wrong and everything's hard. That energy, it's a lot. It was pretty easy to let it go once I made a decision to.

What is so heavy It's the heavy thoughts, like you said, Mel, but it's really not. It's just that. They're just thoughts.

Yeah. Awesome.

That was really cool.

Well, Amy, thank you. Yeah. Hey, it's Mel. Thank you so much for being here. If you enjoyed that video, by God, please subscribe because I don't want you to miss a thing. Thank you so much for being here. We've got so much amazing stuff coming. Thank you so much for sending this stuff to your friends and your family. I love you. We create these videos for you, so make sure you subscribe.