Transcript of How I (Finally) Got Over My Fear of Public Speaking | Mel Robbins

I'd love to get your advice because we've been talking about the fear of public speaking, and how terrified so many people are of public speaking, and not even just getting on a stage, but even just sharing an idea in a meeting at work, or starting a hard conversation, or that moment where you're at a meeting at school, and you want to say something, but your fear holds you back and that keeps you silent. What advice do you have to help somebody learn how to conquer their fear of speaking, either on a stage or at work, or being more vocal in life?

For me, what helps me the most is to feel like I own my story, to make it ownable. Even if you have to share the profits of the year or whatever, share your personal story behind that. Attach some of your journey to whatever you want to share, even if it's a tool. For example, it's so easy to go on Google and research, what am I going to talk about? Let me talk about this topic. And then Google will tell you the answer. And then anybody can Google that same answer. But only you can share a very personal story about that. For example, when they invited me to speak at Facebook, they asked me specifically to talk about the imposter syndrome. They're like, Everybody here experiences that. Please talk about it. And I started researching what's the imposter syndrome, how to get over the imposter syndrome. And I started adding that to my presentation. And I'm like, what am I doing? I'm just repeating what Google is telling me. Is that even legal? No. I should be talking from my own experience. So I thought, When was the time where I experienced the imposter syndrome and what helped me in that moment?

I added that story to my presentation, and even today I share it. I've been sharing that story for seven years.

What is the story?

Oh, my God. So I It was a time where I was just starting as a speaker. How old were you? Not that long ago. It was after the 100 Day Project. So I faced 100 fears. The last one was to speak on TEDx, and that's what launched my career as a speaker, and that was in 2015. I started speaking in 2016, let's say. And so they hired me to speak at ESPN. I was very nervous, very excited. And then the speaker that went right before me was the most exceptional speaker you can think of. And guess what? She was also the first speaker today at the event. So full circle. Yes. Hi, Carla. Yeah. So she was amazing. She was exceptional. And then I had to follow that act. And I was so nervous because I experienced the imposter syndrome. I'm like, if that's a speaker, I'm not a speaker. I'm not that. And I was just starting. So I felt very intimidated by her, and I thought, I have to be more like her. I have to be more polished. I have to speak perfect English. I have to answer better. She's answering all these awesome questions.

It was horrible. That feeling of comparison, right? And then after the event, I went to the happy hour, and I was hesitant to go, but I'm so glad that I went because that night, so many people approach me to tell me that I was also one of the highlights of the day for them, and that they appreciated how real I was. And what I thought was my imperfect side of myself was exactly what resonated with them. So the more real you are, the more you can own your authentic self, your story, that's what people want to hear more than anything else.

Amazing. It's so true. It's so true. So another question to ask you is, so you're doing a couple of sessions at the event today, and you're nervous. Other than thinking about what's the best that could happen, are there any other strategies that you use in those moments where the fear starts to rise up and your nervous system goes into a state of being on alert, and you start going, Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. What else do you personally do that you can give to somebody listening as a little technique to get your shit together?

Okay. One of the things that helped me is that I realized that I let go and I calm myself down when I dance reguetón. Yeah, it's crazy. But when I realized that, I was like, I need to include that in my presentation.

I love that. That's how you take the stage, right?

That is. Yeah. So whenever they say, Welcome, Michelle, I play my song, I go on stage and I start dancing Duda from Daddy Yankee, and I dance all out. And it's really uncomfortable because I'm the only one dancing. I try to make people dance, but they don't, mostly at very corporate settings. They stay in their seats and they're petrified looking at me, why is she dancing?

Or if you've got the 8:00 AM slot in Las Vegas, and you're the first session, and there's literally an eighth of the chairs are filled. Nobody's up front, and you're dancing like a maniac on the stage alone.

Yes, exactly.

Now, are you still afraid to do that?

I'm not. I remember at the beginning, I would tell my husband because we travel together. We always speak together. And I was like, I'm not doing it every single time. And he was like, You are doing it, Michelle. So I needed him to convince me every time. And now I feel like I need to. Now I know that every time I dance, I feel so much better afterwards. So that would be one of my advices. Try to find what calms you down. See how if you can incorporate integrate that into your speech.

I actually have a different reason why that works. Do you want to know why that works? Yes. Because nervousness and excitement is the exact same thing physiologically. And so you are hijacking your state of nerves and aiming it at dancing, which is a state of excitement. And so in that moment, you take control of your physiological state by dancing. So it's not at all about calming down. It's about you channeling nerves in to a really exciting thing, even though it makes you uncomfortable to do it on stage.

Yes.

That's super cool. All right. I know you have a plane to catch. It's crazy. It is so crazy. Thank you for reaching out to me. I am thrilled that you did. I am super excited to share your work with our listeners. I love supporting other women on the corporate stage. I can tell. I also So applaud the fact that, A, you reached out, and B, when I said, Yeah, come on by. You said, I got 20 minutes, but I got to catch a flight, but I'm going. And then when you walked in here, what did you say?

I said that I forgot my laptop at the convention.

So you sent your husband back. You came in here. We are getting it done. You're going to get it done tomorrow. One final thing that I'm sure everybody asks you, what is the next fear you're going to conquer?

A second baby. That would be my next fear. Why are you afraid of that? Because I just had one, and I know exactly what it means, but at the same time- No, you don't.

Actually, no, you don't. No.

No, you don't. Right?

You don't know.

Maybe I don't.

No, you don't. Because Two is very different than one. And it's a totally different human being, and the labor will be totally different, and the pregnancy will be totally different.

Yeah. I hope... No, no, no. Yeah. So just having one and going through all the The entire experience was amazing. But at the same time, it was two years of being away from what I love as my job and all of that because I chose to be very present at home. So just right now, I feel like, I'm finally back. Me, Michelle is back. That's how I feel. And now we're like, okay, let's try for a second one.

And we're like, I can see why that's nerve-wracking. And that's where you got to face it, right?

Exactly. Yes, yes, yes. We have to. If it's something that you really want, it doesn't matter the fear. You to go for it. Yeah.

Amazing. Any final words?

Any final words? What's the best that can happen?

What's the best that can happen?

Hello, Fierce. Yeah. Hello, Fierce. Thank you. Thank you so much. Amazing. Thank you. Oh, my God. I'm glad we did this. You're amazing. Me, too.

So I just want to highlight a couple of really important things that just happened. You have a big, beautiful, amazing life that is just waiting for you to trust fall into it. And when you listen to Michelle and I bantering on and on. We've never met before, ever. Everything that you heard was the whole conversation, and she left. Our meeting was all about leaning into life. That trust fall that I'm talking about. That what's the best thing that could happen? What if it all works out? And when you place a bet on life and you place a bet on yourself to face something, to believe that it's all going to work out, that you're going to figure it out, magical things happen. Magical things. And so I want to highlight the fact that just like Michelle was talking about how she was alive, but she wasn't living. There are aspects in your life where you're that way, too. And there's something bigger, a higher purpose, more self-expression that's available to you, but only if you're willing to do that trustful. And I'm focusing on public speaking because it's the number one fear that people have.

And I want to give you tools, and I want to talk about how I manage my nerves. But at some point, you're You're going to have to stop gripping and let yourself fall. And so number one, she reached out. I'm sure there was a little bit of fear and trepidation there because she's running all over the place where I used to be, probably six years ago, and I'm somebody that she really looks up to. And I'm sure you've had the experience of texting people you admire, and they don't respond at all. So she DMs me. There's one facing a fear. I then say, Yeah, come on by. And she follows up, and she does. Even though she's got 2 hours to catch a flight, and she has to be across country tomorrow morning for another speech. And she comes up here alone, even though it would have been really easy, wouldn't it have? For her to be like, Oh, my God, I left my laptop. I got to go back and get it. Instead, she sent somebody else back, and she came. There's another trustful. I texted her and said, Great. We're going to have the mics on because I want to ask you a few questions.

She was like, I'm in. Trustful. And she just poured into you. And it was awesome. Like, didn't you just love her energy? You root for somebody like that. And I'm telling you, there is energy. There's an aliveness inside of you, a vibrancy that will come when you are willing to push through your fears. And it could look like anything, honestly. I'm just sitting here right now in this hotel room in Dallas, and I'm looking at my friend Amy, who did her first stand-up routine in New Jersey in three years. She hasn't done one in three years. Trustful. And there's something that you want to do. I know my son wants to go skydiving for his 18th birthday. I made him a promise. I do it with him. It is my biggest fear, other than being buried alive. But I do not want to do it. I'm starting to feel a little bit of vomit in the back of my throat and a nervous stomach. Just even think Thinking about it. But I'm going to do it because I also want to reach and experience the full potential of my life. I know every time that fear holds me back from reaching out to somebody, from saying, Fuck it, I'm going to go try that thing, to raising my hand when I'm nervous about how people are going to respond, to jumping into something that I know nothing about, I'm limiting myself, and you're doing the same thing.

And so here's what we're going to do. When we come back, it's going to be tomorrow morning, and I am going to take you on the road with me, backstage, to this huge event in Dallas. There's 3,000 women in the food service industry, executive leadership, up and commerce, really important event. And I'm the closing keynote speaker, and you'll hear backstage all the noise and commotion. And I will tell you exactly what I do to manage the nerves that come up. Because you know what? I want to crush it. I want to literally destroy it on that stage. And so I care about what I'm doing. So of course, I'm going to feel a little bit nervous. Or is it excitement? Well, stay with us, and I'll take you to the event tomorrow, and you'll find out. Hey, it's Mel, and I wanted to jump in to the middle of that podcast episode you were watching to make sure remember you knew about a free opportunity that I created for you. It's a new three-part training called Take Control with Mel Robbins. It is packed with science. It is packed with action. It's exactly what you need right now.

I know that you are tired of feeling like you're in survival mode. You're tired of merely coping, and it is time to tap back into your excellence and power again. Let me coach you. Let me guide you on the steps that you need to take in order to level up and start executing. It's going to feel so great to start winning again. All you got to do is click on the link right there in the caption. It's melrobbins. Com/takecontrol. It is free. It is for you, and you need to be in it. Now, Let's go back to the podcast. I am here at the Dallas Convention Center, and there are 3,000 chairs out there, and we have just run through the tech rehearsal. And I'm going to tell you a little secret about how I manage my nerves and how I flip it into excitement. And this is something you can steal. There's always a reason why you are doing something. And when you can find the reason or the purpose for why you want to either give that speech or destroy this sales presentation or walk into your boss and advocate for yourself because of the contributions that you're making.

Or you just want to find the courage to stand up in a town meeting and talk. There's always a reason why. And so before you're about to do it, one of the things that you want to do is you want to remind yourself of why this matters to you. I want to, for example, at work, I want to be compensated and valued for my contributions, and it's my responsibility to make those contributions known. And so I'm going to be super proud of myself if and when I say this, or I want to make a difference in my town. And so I'm I'm going to have to start speaking up because my voice needs to be heard. I don't want to be complaining about what's going on in this town, in my own house. I want to be advocating for what changes I'd like to see make because I can make a difference. For me, whenever I give a speech, I always say the same thing to myself. I say that, yes, there are 3,000 seats here, but I'm only ever talking to one person. And I believe that there is one person in this audience today I, who is here because they are meant to be here.

And there is something that I am about to say that will change their entire life, that they're going to learn something that might cure their anxiety or that might help them through a very, very, very dark moment to know that this is temporary. There is someone that's going to be inspired to make a major change. And I know that in the course of the hour that I am speaking on this stage, something is going to happen that is meant for that person. And if I trust that, it allows me to just ditch the script and show up as my full, highest expressed self. You know, look, it might be that I trip on the stage coming out. Not planned. But somebody in the audience seeing that, wow, if that woman on the stage trips and she gets back up, maybe I can stumble and get back up, too. Look at how she just brushes it off and she doesn't care. What if I had that? I mean, it could be that. It could be something really profound. Sound, like getting sober or leaving a really abusive marriage. So I remind myself of that, and I'm only ever talking to one person, and that helps me.

It helps me to stay focused and to know that what I'm about to do even if it makes my stomach twist in knots, or even if I'm a little, quote, nervous about how it's going to go, it helps me stay aligned with my purpose. And that's where your power alley is always in life. And that's why it's so important for you to push yourself to express yourself, and advocate for yourself, and share your story. And so steal that idea. Remind yourself of why you're doing this, only talk to one person and tell yourself that there is a person in this room, and you are meant to say something in this room because somebody needs to hear you say it. And when you trust that, it's not about you. It's about the impact that you're about to make. Okay, we I should get off the stage because we got to go backstage and get ready. I go on in about an hour. And this is normally the dead zone for people, where they've practiced, they've run through something, and now they wait. And this is where your nerves can get the worst of you. So next up, after a short break for a word for our sponsors, I'm going to teach you the real trick from Harvard Medical School to reframe all those nerves backstage or right before or in anticipation of into excitement so that you can align yourself with your mission and express yourself.

All right, five minutes before I take the stage. And here's the big trick. You know, we reframe fear into excitement. The thing about nervousness is nervousness is just your body trying to get you into an alert state because what you're about to do requires you to concentrate. For example, you get nervous before a test because it's important, and you have to concentrate, and you care about the outcome. You get nervous before giving a presentation because you have to pay attention, and the outcome is important. You get nervous before you have to sing, or go into an interview, or go on a date, because you're going to be basically putting yourself out there, and it's important, and you care about the outcome, and you got to pay attention. That's what nerves are about. It's about getting you to get into an alert state. Same thing excitement. Excitement is when your body goes into an alert state because something cool is about to happen, and you got to pay attention. And so right now, I literally say to myself, I'm not nervous. I'm really excited. I'm not nervous at all, in fact. I'm so excited to get out on that stage.

Why? Because there is one person out there whose life is going to change. And as I get more and more excited and get closer to walking up to that stage, my stomach will start to grumbble. I will have to pee. My arm pits will sweat. My mouth is starting to get dry. But I keep telling myself, I'm not nervous. Those aren't butterflies. Those are the wings of possibility. Oh, that's nice. That's deep, Mel. Those are just me getting ready to do something that I care about. I'm excited to get out there, and I'm excited to make a difference, and I'm excited to express myself, and I'm excited to push myself to do something like this. That's my little ritual. I don't dance around, I don't meditate, I don't get calm. I tap into excitement, and I hijack the nerves, and I label it something empowering. And that settles my body, and it makes my focus get really laser-focused on the impact I want to make. That will help you perform. Okay, let me explain why your stomach has butterflies when you're nervous, and why you have to pee, and why your heart races, and why your armpit sweat.

This is all part of an automatic response in your body to either something that is exciting or something that is stressful. And when you roll back the clock in terms of evolution and you take a look at stress, we could spend hours and hours and hours talking about this, but I'm just going to boil it down so that you have enough understanding to trust what I'm telling you about why reframing nerves into excitement works. This is from research at Harvard Medical School, where they studied people in situations that made them nervous. Job interviews, giving a speech, participating in a debate, competition, singing, and running in a track meet. And they taught all of these people to tell themselves they were excited to do the thing that made them nervous, and it helped them perform better. And the reason why reframing stressful situations into excitement works is because there's no physiological difference in your body. Between a moment that's stressful and a moment that's exciting. Your body has the same alert response to it. All of the blood goes to your heart. It goes to your brain. And that means it leaves your digestive tract. Because honestly, you don't need to be digesting food if you're going to take a test.

You don't need to be digesting food if you're going to sing on a stage. You don't need to digesting food if you're going to give a speech. So the blood goes to your heart so that you can move, and it goes to your brain so you can think. I'm dumbing this down. I realize there's a lot more complex science, but just the chemical structure, physiological structure changes. That's where the butterflies come in. See, the butterflies aren't there because you're nervous or excited. The butterflies are there because the blood flow increased to your heart, which is why your heart is racing. And the butterflies are due to that chemical change from the blood going to the heart and not being in the digestive tract. That's what that is, dude. That's also why you have to pee, because you're not going to need to pee on stage. You're not going to need to pee while you're singing. And so your body has this natural response in exciting or stressful situations to dump whatever in your bladder or in your bowels. Why? So that you can focus and so that you can run faster or perform better. That's why this happens.

One of the mistakes that people make is that when they get nervous and they start getting butterflies, you think the butterflies are sign that you're about to fuck up. No, it's a sign that your body is getting ready to do something, and you get to decide whether you call the thing you're about to do exciting or scary. And that's why the free framing works, because there's no difference between you walking onto a stage and your heart racing and your arm pits sweating and your throat being dry and your stomach being... See, we are backstage. We're going to let the applause die down. And your stomach being in knots, which is a situation that makes you nervous. Or you going to a concert and your favorite brand. I can't wait to see Cole play this fall. When they take that stage, let me tell you something. Right before they come on, I'm going to have to pee. They're going to be pterodactyles in my stomach. My arm pits are going to be sweating. My heart's going to be racing. But I'm excited because I said I'm excited. So reframing works. And here's the really important reason why this matters.

Not only are you not going to freak yourself out by going, oh, my God, my stomach's in a... Which only increases how stressed you are, by the way. But by telling yourself you're excited, you stabilize yourself. Your thoughts don't raise. Based on research from UCLA from Dr. Judith Willis, your stress response doesn't impact your brain functioning. Which means all that preparation of studying for the test or preparing for the speech or the presentation, you don't choke. You can tap into it. And so, I think they're getting close. So I got to short change this science lesson right now, and I realize it's very elementary, but I want you to understand why you get butterflies, and it's not because you're about to fuck up. It's because you're about to do something that you can do and that matters, so go freaking do it, which is what I'm going to do. My biggest fear was being in front of people, so this is it right here. This? Really? How do you feel in your body right now?

When I got called, I went and bawled in the bathroom for a little bit.

I think you're doing fantastic. Yeah, I'm doing really good. Your body When you're about to do something that's important to you, it goes into a state of being prepared to be present. That's all that's happening. So right before you're about to hit live and you feel your stomach turn, anybody feel that when you're about to go live? Yeah. Do you know what's happening in your body? The blood is pulling away from your digestive tract, and it's actually going to your organs so that your body is in a state to be prepared and focused. Because if you're doing something where you're prepared and focused, you don't need to be digesting your food. And that's why your stomach grumbles. That's the only reason why it's happening. Nothing's about to go wrong. Your body is preparing to do something that requires focus. That's it. That is it. Here's an even TMI thing. You know how before you're about to give a speech or maybe you're doing something you're really prepared about and suddenly you got to go to the bathroom? That is your body getting rid of extra waste so that if you had to run, you could.

Seriously.

That's what that's for. It happens to me every freaking speech. Ten minutes before, I'm like, Where's the bathroom? They're like, You can't go right now. I'm like, But I have to go. You can't go right now. I'm the same. Yeah, you're the same. It's never going to leave you. It's a good thing because your body's trying to help you focus in the moment. That's all that's going on. It's our minds that screw it up. What is the biggest obstacle that you're facing right now? Just this. This?

People looking at me. Yeah.

All the eyes, it's over-stimulating for my system. Okay, well, stand up. Like a panic attack. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, so you're standing here, and I want you to just... Okay, you're going to stand in front of me because I don't even want to be standing, and I want you to just look into people's eyes. Look all the way in the back row over here. Look in the back row over there. I'm so glad. I need this so much. What are you getting from this?

That I'm safe.

It's okay. Yes. Yeah.

Look, there are going to...

They're going to be people that judge you. There are going to be people that comment nasty stuff on your thing. One of the things that I want to share with you that's really fascinating is that I read something about this It's a psychological thing that happens when people tweet, when they text, and when they write comments online. Psychologically, when people are doing that, they're not thinking They're not thinking about you. Believe it or not, they're not thinking about you. Because what happens for most people is that when you read an article or you read a tweet, and you're like, Well, that's son of a... And you go off in your body. The reason The reason why you go off and react is because you read the tweet. It's actually a psychological state as if you're talking to yourself. If you don't agree with what the person is saying, you react to it in your own mind as if, Mel, have you gone crazy?

You don't believe that.

Then you sound off in a comment, not even thinking about the other person. You're literally debating yourself. They've done study after study about about people that write stuff, because I think the scariest thing about putting yourself out there, particularly if you're doing it in videos, or you're putting your work out there, or you're putting your business, you're launching a coaching business, or you're launching a business to help other people. When you put yourself out there, people will come back. This is where it is so important to understand that when people react, they're reacting to something in them, and they're not even psychologically capable of considering you or your opinion. Because we think, Well, how could somebody possibly think that? Because I don't think that. So if somebody reacts to you in your life, for example, and you decide to quit your job, and you decide to become a personal trainer, and you decide to launch a coaching business, and you get some of that side eye from friends, right? Part of what What's getting confronted is they don't know how they could possibly do that. And they have been talking to themselves in their own minds that it's not possible.

And so they're having a debate with themselves. Well, nobody makes money in network marketing. Really? Watch me. They say those things because they're talking to themselves. The irony about me is you guys think I'm talking to you? It's actually a pep talk out loud for myself at A lot of times. Yes. So understand that you can find people to support you. You will always find people to criticize you. Watch, though, how when somebody outside of you criticizes you, how that triggers the internal pattern. So what is the pattern that you have of thinking that gets triggered, that disempower you?

That I won't have any words.

You won't have any words? Let's go deeper than that. Is it something about being loved or being unworthy or not being good enough? What is underneath, I won't have the words?

Yeah, they won't be the right words, and it won't be good enough.

Yeah. Okay. Do you have an opinion that you're not good enough or not deserving of success, or that you're not smart enough to make a difference?

Yeah.

What is the one? What is the thing that hooks you that you say to yourself. That I'm stupid. Okay, there we go. That's a good one. Not a good one, but you know what I mean. That's a good one. Or I'm a piece of shit. That's my big one. Okay. I'm a piece of shit. Now we're talking. Yeah, that's the big one. Who told you that? I don't know who told me that. When did you start believing that? It was a little girl. Yeah. God, I've just been saying it for so long.

I don't know.

That's okay. She said, I've been saying it for so long. I don't know. As you now know what you're looking for, you're going to start to connect the dots. Here's the thing. At some point, you started telling yourself, whatever, I'm a piece of as a strategy. You did it on purpose as a youngster, as a way to survive things that were happening. Because maybe when you said, Well, I'm a piece of you, you actually got really quiet and you didn't get hit. Or maybe when you said that you removed yourself from situations when you would have been abused or something. It worked because it protected you, as weird as it sounds. Yeah. Are you seeing something? What are you seeing?

Well, yeah, my dad didn't want... He wanted me to be quiet in the corner, being quiet. Yeah, we couldn't make noise and cry.

If you raised your voice, you got in trouble. Do you guys see the link now between why she has a concern about finding her words?

Oh, yeah. I didn't I'll take that one.

You see that now? Yeah. Every time that you are in a situation where you need to speak up... How many are you relating to this, by the way? I have a theory about all of us, that we have patterns and She had these strategies that we created when we were little in order to survive situations. What she internalized was, Don't speak up, and, You're a piece of if you do. Believe me, that protected your ass. It worked because you didn't speak up and you didn't get in trouble with your dad.

Right, and I still got the love. If I speak up now, I'm going to lose my dad's love.

Do you see this? This is a pattern that got written when she was little, and it was written by someone else, and it worked. The problem is now that you're-Not working now. It's not working now. It's not working now. It's not working now. Not working now. Can't move forward. Exactly. This is what's fascinating about all this. There are places in your life where you have patterns that you don't even recognize, that were strategies that you developed when you were a kid. In the areas where you're really frustrated, that pattern is probably not present or conscious, something that you're aware of. Every single time, because you've been repeating this and repeating it and repeating it, every single time you're about to hit play, every single time you're going to stand on a stage, what's going to be right there is, Don't speak up. You're- Freeze. Yes, freeze. You're going to go 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. The only thing that actually overrides this pattern is to speak. Through speaking, you will see that you're not a piece of shit, you actually have something to say. Or you could make fun of it and say, Well, I guess I'm just a piece of shit or something to say.

That's going to be my thing. Yes. I'm a piece of shit, and I got something to That's what I say.

That's right. And I also like the strategy of making the fun of the stuff, even the heavy stuff, because it loses its grip on me. It works for me. It may not work for you, but it's something to try. Okay, you got it? Thank you. Cool.

Today on the podcast, we have Mel Robbins, and I've been gushing over her for probably 20 minutes before we started because I have a lot of people on this show that obviously I'm a big fan of, but Mel to me is next level because of what she does. She is truly a world-class transformational and inspirational expert. She's also, and for good reason, one of the most booked speakers in the world, not even just women speakers in the world.

Yeah, I almost never do women's events, actually.

You do Chase Bank and J. P. Morgan.

Starbucks and Microsoft.

And yeah. Right. You transcend. It doesn't matter if you're female, male, whatever. I mean, it doesn't matter. So I am very, very happy to have you on this podcast because you always give such great advice, nuggets of information that people can really implement and take in their lives and elevate themselves. So with that being said, thank you for being here.

Wow. Well, thank you. And let me just say one thing about my comment that I don't really speak at women's events. Yeah, go ahead. The reason why I said that specifically is because Because women speakers tend to get relegated as women speakers. And so it's really important if being in the media business or being in the speaking business or being out there with your message is important to you. If you want to reach a broader audience, resist the tractor beam pull to be tight cast as somebody who speaks to women just because you're a woman.

I love that. Absolutely. You know what's funny? We had a Chelsea Handler on a little bit ago, and we talked about that as well, how some people... But you know that some people in her career also, it's not a women's comic. It's not this. You're the same type of situation. But there are people who do that. They go down a path or their content is very much women friendly.

Great. If that's what they want, fantastic. Just be super intentional, because eventually the world will align with what's ever in your heart and your mind. Right.

But also what you speak about applies to everybody. It's not just women, it's not just men. And I agree with you because then you pigeonhole yourself. And in a business, you don't want to be doing that.

Unless you want to be doing it. You're very niche. So again, just be very clear about what you want. Yeah, Absolutely.

I think that's really... Again, we didn't even start really. You gave some great advice right there.

From a business standpoint, I can't tell you how many times I've either sat down and thought, should I really just focus my business on women? Or how many times I've been in meetings meetings with potential partners that they've said, are you a women's brand? And I have thought about this very intentionally because we have a very, very large male following. And it's probably because I got my start with a TEDx Talk And then by being hired by corporations where the audiences are a mix of men and women. And I have come to really realize that the things that I talk about are universal. I'm talking about habits. I'm talking I'm talking about mindset. I'm talking about fulfillment. I'm talking about your emotional needs as a human being. I'm talking about relationships. And everybody needs to be working on and thinking about what they want in those areas of their life. And so everything I talk about, whether I'm explaining how to quiet your anxiety, men have anxiety, too. And so I have made a very conscious decision to resist being a a brand that is only for women.

Right. And you know what? But again, because like you said, these things are universal. Everybody has stress. Everybody has anxiety. It's not just for women or for men. But you just said, let's go with that. Let's start with that. How do we quiet that anxiety? Because we all have it, especially in being in a pandemic or getting out of a pandemic or half and half. People really are having a hard time with all of that right now. And including you, me, everybody. What do you tell people? And this is what I was going to say also, what you give people is actionable. It's not just here like la-di-da. There's things that I'm sure you're going to say right now, what people can actually do to implement to help with their anxiety, suppress it a little bit, or just deal with it better. Yeah.

It's interesting that you say that because when I look at all the amazing people that are out there putting content out, writing books, doing shows, I tend to think about the fact the fact that there are people that talk about why, there are people that talk about what, and then there are people that talk about how, and I'm a how. And when it comes to anxiety, which is a really big topic, it's really important before you get to the how to actually understand what anxiety is and what anxiety isn't. And so if we can go down this road, I will be happy to unpack this topic because it's super, super important. So first thing is, anxiety is nothing more than your body and your mind anticipating that something bad is about to happen. So there is a bracing in your body And there is a racing in your mind associated with what might happen. I'm going to give you an example that explains an anxiety response, and And that's normal, that everybody can relate to. And then we're going to talk about what has become, in my opinion, an epidemic of generalized anxiety, which is the experience of going through your day to day life, feeling on edge like Something's about to happen.

So your nervous system is dysregulated, and your thoughts are always spinning several steps ahead of you. What if this? What if that? What if the other thing? So just normal anxiety. I'll give you an example of an anxiety response to something. So let's say you and I hop in your car and we drive to the grocery store, and as we are chatting away and talking, all of a sudden, somebody swerves into our lane. What do you do?

I panic, and I get an anxiety, but I freak out or I try to move. Correct.

Exactly. That is a normal anxiety response to a very stressful thing. The car is about to hit us. It hasn't hit us yet. So something bad is about to happen. And immediately, your nervous system system has a big wave of, Oh, my gosh, go through it. Anxiety response, okay? The anxiety response, it has a purpose. It is trying to wake you up to pay attention because something's about to happen. So that wave you feel, Oh, my gosh, the car. That has got a purpose to protect you, okay? Your thoughts then start scrambling to try to protect you. It's going that way. I got to pull this way. So you start thinking about the what if that, and you respond, right? Now, here's an interesting thing. When the car veers off and we realize we're okay and life goes back to normal, what happens in your body?

I calm down and I'm more normalized. I'm more Equalized.

Yeah, exactly. The threat goes away, and so your body comes down. You switch from what's called the sympathetic, which is the fight or flight, to the parasympathetic nervous system, right? And your thoughts don't spin anymore because you're not anticipating that threat. That That is normal anxiety. It's an alarm system that makes you pay attention. The problem is we have been so bombarded by negative news, by uncertainty, by the pandemic, by the changes to our day to day life, by the racial injustice that we see on the television playing out, by political polarization, by the isolation. It's too fucking much. And so what's happened is we have all gotten ourselves in a situation due to the way that life is right now, where you feel like you're about to be hit by a car all the time. There is a nervous system on edge. That's what we call a dysregulated nervous system. And your thoughts are constantly scrambling. Let's take this moment right now. I personally thought we'd be through the pandemic by now.

Yeah, I think most people did.

And And we are now in the... We're 18 months in. I thought the kids would be going back to school. I thought we'd be over the masks. I thought we'd be back to doing big events. I thought that... Not that we have to go back to normal because there's a lot about the old normal that I don't want to go back to. But I feel like this experience of I was in a great relationship. We broke up. I got my heart broken. I worked hard to get through it and get over it. I finally felt like I was okay again, and now he's back in my My wife is screwed up again because now I'm head over heels, and then he dumps me again, and now I'm back trying to get over it again. I thought there's an exhaustion to it. And so I'm explaining this in detail because it's not as simple as change your thoughts. It begins with policing your thoughts because your mind and your nervous system are hardwired together. And so there are two different ways you got to attack anxiety. You got to attack both the way it makes your nervous system go like this, because we know, based on research, if your nervous system is on edge, your prefrontal cortex doesn't function.

I mean, if somebody were to walk in here with a gun and try to rob us, would you be able to do a math problem?

I don't think so.

Yeah, of course not, because your nervous system is like, oh, my God, oh, my God. So this part of the brain shuts off. So let's talk first, what can you do to settle your body? I write about this extensively in this new book. Oh, right.

Your new book is called The High Five, Again, That's Why The High Five Habit, which Which is a really good book. You do talk about this a lot. You talk about how we can conquer our negative thoughts, our stress. I'm going to ask you about the 20 gallons of hot water pretty soon, but finish this.

So basically, you can use something called the vagus nerve. And a tool that I like to talk about is called high-fiving your heart. So you put your hands right here, right in the center of your chest, over your heart, and you say these three words. You say, I'm okay, I'm safe, I'm loved. I'm okay, I'm safe, I'm loved. And when you put your hands here, you are toning and activating what's called the vagus nerve. The vagus nerve runs all the way from your seat to the top of your head, through every major organ, through your vocal cords. And it is the key. It's the switch between your fight or flight state of anxiety and your calm state. And so first things first, you want to develop a practice first in the morning, not only of high-fiving yourself in the mirror, which we're going to get to, which is all about self-confidence and self-esteem and self self-love and self-worth. But you're also going to wake up every morning, put your hands right here and go, I'm okay, I'm safe, I'm loved. You're going to say it as many times you have to, 113, 11 times, 2 times, until you actually feel your body settle down.

And you will. You will feel yourself ground back into your body. You will feel something shift. And if you can hear yourself saying those words, I'm okay, I'm sorry, if I'm loved, it's true in that moment. And by putting your hands right here, this is what activates the vagus nerve. Other things that help you tone the vagus nerve, an ice bath, a hot shower, a hot bath, singing, gurgling, humming, chanting, because it stimulates your vocal cords. And so this is a little tool you can use. I love doing it first thing in the morning, but you can use it anytime you feel anxious to settle yourself back in your body.

I'm really excited. I'm going to teach you how to create and use what I call a Confidence Anchor, not only when you're about to fly and you're nervous, but for any single situation where you're nervous to do something. Okay? Are you ready? Yeah. Awesome. It's super cool. And for you listening, I want you to just hold that situation that you're nervous about. Maybe you're nervous to give a presentation at work, or maybe you have a son or a daughter who is getting recruited for a sport, and now there's all these big team matches coming up and they're starting to get nervous. This confidence anchor is exactly what you need. Step number one is you're going to think about this situation that makes you nervous. We've already talked about that, Cameron. It's this flight to Portugal. Step number two is come up with something about this situation that actually makes you excited. Describe for me, Cameron, what are you excited to do when you get to Portugal?

I think the thing that I What I'm most excited for is to see my sister. I haven't seen her in a couple of months. She's been in London. So I don't know. When I think about Portugal, there's a lot of things I'm excited for, but probably the biggest thing is just to spend time with her.

I love it.

Yeah.

That's perfect. Okay, great. So you now have something related to the situation that makes you nervous that you're actually excited about, okay? Now, number three is the most important part. Number three is now that you have something that you're excited about, I want you to close your eyes and We're going to bring it to life. I want you to imagine the moment that you lay eyes on your sister for the first time in several months. And I'm Are you imagining the airport or a cobblestone street? What is the scene? Describe with your eyes closed. What is she wearing? What happens? Describe it for us.

Well, first of all, she's probably I don't know. She's probably mad that we're late about something. But when I think about it, we're in probably Lisbon, where we're going to land. And probably right outside, the first glance of a new city, something that is always really exciting when you leave an airport. I think that's the best part about flying is getting to somewhere you're anticipating seeing. So I picture that. I picture her standing there, probably in some black sweater, because that's usually what she's wearing. And Yeah, I think seeing her face reacting to my mom, me and my brother, that's going to be the best part because I know even if she won't admit it, she does miss us a lot.

Awesome. And who is she going to hug first?

A hundred % my mom.

Okay, awesome. And how amazing.

I'll probably be last.

And as you stand there and watch her in her black sweater with Lisbon in the background, hugging your mom, What are you feeling?

A sense of comfort, a sense of wholeness, and just a really good feeling to have us all together during a really hard time of the year. It's going to be really special.

Yeah. That's your confidence anchor. That moment that you just described in detail, the Black her sweater, Lisbon in the background, her reaction as she sees you, her hugging your mother first, the wholeness, the comfort, all of that that you just felt in your body, that is your confidence anchor. Now, here's how you're going to use it. From now until that moment happens, the millisecond that you feel any nerves or any fear or any negative thought come up related to this thought, you're going to close your eyes. You can use my five-second rule to interrupt the worries. Just count backwards with me. Five, four, three, two, one.

Three, two, one.

Yeah. That is a starting ritual that will signal to your brain that you're not going to think about a plane crash. You are starting to think about something else. And And then you are going to bring to the forefront of your mind that image, that feeling that you just described. And that is how you drop a confidence anchor on these bullshit nerves and worries that have been hijacking your life. That's what a confidence anchor is. You're using your own excitement about something normally makes you nervous to shatter the grip that fear and nerves has on your body and your mind. That's what you're going to do. When you head to the airport on the way to the plane, you are going to use this same confidence anchor. When you get on that plane and your thoughts go, Uh-oh, you're going to go, Nope. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, and you're going to drop that confidence anchor. When you take off in the middle of the night and the pilot We might experience a little bit of turbulence, because pilots often say that, you're going to drop that confidence anchor, and you're going to come back over and over and over again to this image of your sister and the black sweater and has been behind her and her hugging your mother.

That's exactly what you're going to do. You're going to be shocked because this is a technique that they studied at Harvard Business School called Reframing Performance Anxiety. Was the name of the study, Reframing Performance Anxiety. It's a way to flip moments that make you nervous into moments that make you excited and to keep control of your mind, body, and spirit so that your fears don't hijack and torture you.

Wow.

What do you think?

I mean, it makes sense because I think in the moments of panic, the The last thing I'm doing is thinking about anything that brings me happiness. It's always the darkest feelings, the heaviest emotions, versus even just closing my eyes just now. I feel so different sitting here. I feel like even thinking about that moment makes me happy. And I'm excited to use it because I know I'm going to be anxious all next week, week after.

So you want to know why this works?

I do. It seems too good to be true, honestly. It seems too good to be true.

Well, the reason why it works is because it taps into your body's automatic systems. If you look into the neuroscience on this, scientists call this an autonomic response. That basically your nervous system has a autonomic economic response to stressful situations. If you're a normal person like me, you just say, Oh, yeah. If we're in a stressful situation, we automatically feel all kinds of things, right? And so what I want you to understand is that when we're in situations that make us nervous, everybody, whether you're giving a speech or you're going into an interview or you're on a first date or you're running a track meet or you're getting on a plane or you're breaking up with somebody or you're going in for a job interview, it is going to be automatic that your nerves take over because you're about to do something that makes you stressed out a little bit. It's requiring you to feel... It makes you feel a little bit vulnerable. But here's the cool thing. Even though you have this automatic automatic response because you're right, there's no way over the next five weeks, you're not going to feel anxious because that's the autonomic response that your body has to this stressful thing.

But here's the cool thing, Cameron, you can control this. Here's the secret. The secret is understanding that your body's reactions to fear, so your automatic reaction to a fearful situation, is the exact same as your body's automatic response to an exciting situation. We're going to use this truth that your body's automatic reaction to fear is the same as your body's automatic reaction to excitement to your advantage. Tell me about a situation that makes you excited, just something in your day-to-day life. Give Give me a situation that makes you excited.

In my day-to-day life, that makes me excited?

How about this?

Who's your favorite musician?

I really like the Lumineers.

Okay, great. Guess what? The Lumineers are playing a private concert at the new private venue at the Fenway Park. You, my friend, not only have front row seats, you're going to meet them before the show.

Okay.

It's five weeks out. How do you feel?

Jittery a little bit. The same feeling I would have if I was playing a big soccer game or running an important race when I was younger. Like the clammy hands, the pit in your stomach.

We're walking into this venue. You're walking up to the front row. How are you feeling?

My heart's beating fast. I'm going a million miles an hour. I don't know. Probably feeling really on edge.

Yeah. The usher is coming up to be like, Okay, they're ready to meet you. How are you feeling?

I'd be like, Okay, okay. Let me collect myself. Yeah, probably really flustered and I don't know. A little bit anxious, probably.

It sounds like a situation like that where you're about to meet your favorite band, which I would say, is that a positive or a negative experience?

Yeah, that'd be amazing. I mean, a positive one, obviously.

Well, it sounds very similar to the way that you experience the thought of flying to Portugal.

Yeah, I guess that's true.

Yeah. You want to know the only difference? When you're in this situation that's positive, that makes you excited, and you're about to meet the lumineers, your brain is telling you you're excited. Your brain is telling you the jitters in your stomach are butterflies, and that's a good thing. Your brain is telling you your hands are clammy and your heart is racing because something good is about to happen. The only difference between that and what you experience as you think about flying to Portugal is what your brain is saying about the flight. When you start to experience butterflies in your stomach as you are about to board the flight, your brain's going, Uh-oh, there's something wrong. This is negative. The plane is going to crash. You're experiencing in your body, Cameron, the exact same same physical and physiological symptoms when you meet the lumineers as when you board a plane. And the only difference is what your brain is saying about it. And so the reason why a confidence anchor works is we are going to shut your negative brain down and drop this confidence anchor right on it like a sledgehammer, and we're going to replace your narrative that something's wrong with, Holy shit, I'm about to see my sister.

This is so exciting. It's as exciting as meeting the lumineers. And when your brain starts to say the butterflies are positive, you won't escalate into a panic attack. You will have taken control. How cool is that?

That's pretty cool.

So do you have any questions about the Confidence Anchor and how you're going to use it?

It just honestly seems still a little bit too good to be true. I don't know. I can just conquer all my fears just by flipping the way I'm thinking.

There's a scientific reason why this works. They researched this at Harvard Business School, and what they did is they put people in control groups and put them in situations that made them nervous. They put One group into a control group where they had to run a track meet, another one had to sing karaoke. Another one was in a debating competition. They taught one group of people to use this reframing tool where you think about something related to the track meet or the debating competition or karaoke that you're excited about. This group was taught to say, I'm excited. I'm excited to run this meet. I'm excited to get up there on the stage and conquer my fears. I'm excited to go and debate because I prepared. The people who use this simple reframing tool outperform the people who didn't. They felt less nervous, and there's a scientific reason why. Earlier, we talked about the fact that there are these automatic responses that body has to situations that are exciting or stressful. In our case, Cameron, we talked about the lumineers and how that's exciting meeting the lumineers and getting on a plane to Portugal, which used to make you nervous.

Just talking about those two situations created an automatic response in your body, didn't it?

Yeah.

That automatic response is nothing more than a series of chemicals firing and messages firing between your brain and your nervous system. The reason why you and I get butterflies is because when the brain sends a message down to your nervous system that, Holy cow, we got to get on a plane, or, Holy cow, the lumineers are about to walk in, your nervous system goes, Oh, got it, and immediately starts changing up the chemicals in your body. Adrenaline fires. The blood races to your head and to your heart. That's why your heart starts pounding. That's why your thoughts start to race. Now, you get butterflies because the signal in your brain going to your gut just changed the chemicals in your digestive tract. That's why we all get butterflies. That's it. And so in the situation with the lumineers, you flipped your thoughts. I'm excited to meet them. And so that explains all the reasons why you have all these changes going on in your body, why your heart is racing, why your butterflies are in your stomach. This automatic response doesn't scare you because you're thinking positive thoughts when it comes to the lumineers. Now, when you get on the plane and your brain signals to your stomach that something's up, and your heart starts to race because the blood goes to your heart, and the butterflies start to flutter in your stomach because the chemical structure just changed in your digestive tract, if you have negative thoughts about the plane, A couple of things happen.

You start to get scared of the automatic response in your body. And more cortisol starts to flood your brain, which is the stress hormone. And once that happens, what they found at the Harvard Business School study, is that the cortisol interferes with your brain's ability to do whatever you had prepared to do. This is why most of us, when we stand on a stage go blank. It's because we have an automatic response. Our brain goes, Oh, shit. We get scared of our racing heart because we think it means that the plane is about to crash or about to screw something up. The cortisol floods our brain and we forget what we prepared. When the cortisol floods your brain, you forget about seeing your sister. You forget about all the exciting things. You forget about all the research that you did that shows that traveling by commercial Social airplane is the safest way to travel, period. That's why this matters. It's more than just thinking positive thoughts. It's critical that you come up with the thing you're excited about before you get into the situation. Because once your thoughts start to race and you're like, Oh, my God, I'm going to screw up this test, or, Oh, my God, I'm going to screw up this interview, or, Oh, no, the plane, you've already lost control.

You have to come up with this exciting anchor and this confidence anchor before you start to get nervous. Got it?

Yeah.

Any other questions?

It just makes so much sense. I always have taken the approach of calm down, Cam, making myself to be the bad guy, and not really reframing it in any way, just letting myself soak in all this stress and anxiety, and just reprimand myself being like, What the heck? Why are you not just calming down? There's a six-year-old that's bouncing person around and it's like, Oh, I love when the plane goes up and down. And it's like, Why can't I be like that six-year-old?

Let me tell you why. This is excellent, Cameron. Let me tell you why you can't buy by that six-year-old, because I love this analogy. The six-year-old's brain is not attaching negative thoughts to the plane bouncing up and down. As far as the six-year-old is concerned, this is exciting. That's why they're not panicking. And so the reason why In the history of telling yourself to calm down, you have never been able to calm down, is because you are dealing with an automatic response in your body. Let's go back to the science. When you get into a situation that makes you nervous, or that makes you stressed out, or makes you afraid, or that makes you excited, those are states in your body of high agitation. Those are states of alertness. Those are states when your blood starts pumping and your brain starts paying attention and everything aligns because you're about to do something that makes you excited or fun or nervous or afraid. And so you go into a state of being hyper alert. That state of high agitation is one that you can't calm down like that. So what we're doing when we teach you to create a confidence anchor and to use excitement to reframe what you're feeling is we're taking a state of high agitation from the negative to a state of high agitation in the positive.

We're actually using the automatic response in our body to our advantage, and we're just tricking our brain to believe that we're actually excited because our brain doesn't know the difference. Your brain is like the six-year-old. Your brain actually doesn't know the difference between excitement and fear. That baby that's bouncing is feeling the heart racing and the bubbles in her stomach. It's just that your brain is framing it in the negative. Because your brain knows that excitement and that fear feels the same, that lumineers, that meeting the lumineers and being on an airplane feels the same, you can use that to your advantage and trick your brain in a moment where you would normally be nervous to actually think you're excited. The reason why this matters, Cameron, is because when you're on that plane, if you can come back over and over and over to your confidence anchor, and if you can close your eyes in a moment of turbulence, and you can imagine your sister, and you can start to say out loud, and this is important, you got to say to yourself, I'm so excited to see... What's your sister's name? Siena. I am so excited to see Siena.

I'm so excited to see Siena. I cannot wait for Siena to hug my mom. I cannot wait for this. If you come back to that confidence anchor, you are going to flip your brain into believing that you're excited about that moment, and you will no longer be afraid. And it's a way to gain control. You know what? You wanted something really cool? Because your confidence anchor is related to what you're doing, it's really believable. Because when you are there, hugging your sister, it means the plane made it, and there's nothing to be worried about. That's why this works. When you imagine before a test, yourself walking out of there going, yes, it actually makes you excited to take it. When you imagine yourself nailing the interview, it makes you excited to walk into it because your brain doesn't know the difference between a state of fear or a state of excitement. Now you know a simple trick, backed by research from Harvard, to take control of your mind and take control in situations where nerves normally derail you.

Yeah, that's amazing. I think that was always in the back of my head during our conversation was if I'm still... I feel fear in a lot of different areas of my life, not when I'm just in the air. So when I'm on the ground, how can I use this tool to ground myself, even if I'm not sure the outcome of it?

I love this. Okay, great question. I want you to take out a notebook, and you're going to write down any single thing that that makes you nervous. Could be anything. Give me a couple.

There's a long list, probably. But off the top of my head, something that... I don't know. I really wish that I could beat the fear on is I recently moved, not that far, but there's a really nice yoga studio on my street that I pass every day. And I just always think, I need to be a part of a community of 20 somethings that are like minded, that I've always loved yoga. I've loved the community it brings, but I cannot bring myself to sign up, and I can't bring myself up. I just constantly think about the day I have to show up for my first class, and it makes me way too anxious to even go So.

This is an excellent example, and by the way, incredibly common and very relatable. So I'm really glad you shared it. So you're going to do the exact same thing. We're going to create a confidence anchor, Because what I hear is I hear you want to do it. I hear it pulling you, and the nerves are keeping you back. So name something you're excited about. So can you pick coffee shop in your neighborhood that you love to go to, and it's going to be your treat to get a nice latte when you're done?

Yeah.

Do you want me to name it?

Yeah, I do.

It's called Thinking Cup.

I love Thinking Cup. Now, you're going to close your eyes. What color yoga tights are you wearing?

Oh, God. Maybe like... I have this really nice light blue ones that I always like to wear.

I love it. And as a treat, because you went to this relaxing yoga class in your light blue tights, sweatshirt tied around your waist, yoga bag over your shoulder, standing at Thinking Cup. What did you order?

Probably aniced oak milk latte.

Love it.

How do you feel as you're walking out of the Thinking Cup, having just completed that class and treating yourself to that?

How do you feel right now?

Like, proud of myself for doing it.

Awesome. There's your confidence anchor. Anytime you feel nervous, you're going to count backwards, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, to interrupt the nerves and create that starting ritual, and you're going to drop that confidence anchor. And what's going to happen is it's going to slowly retrain your mind that you're not nervous about joining that yoga studio. You're actually excited. And when you start to practice this confidence anchor, at some point, you're going to find yourself walking down the street and there's the studio video. And as that wave, because remember, it's automatic.

Or anything? Yes, right there. I love you. I love you. Thank you. And by the way, let me say something. This is also an opportunity to practice the five-second rule. Yes. If you are sitting there Start thinking about what you want to say. Use the five-second rule, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, and put your hand in there. It's a way to practice visibility. Practice putting yourself out there. Thank you so much for doing that. All right, stand Can you please stand up so I can see you.

All right. Well, this has been very encouraging, so thank you.

What's your name?

My name is Jordan Lumen.

Hi, Jordan.

Hi. So my question is, based off of what you've discussed so far, you've been able to dive deep into who you are. How would you encourage others to become more intro perspective?

More what is your introspective? Yeah. In terms of self-awareness?

Yeah. I think in order to be successful as a leader, you have to be able to identify what your characters are. Or even, like you said, you were able to identify that you needed to get out of bed and you needed to do these other things. But it's easy to deflect at times where you had to really look at who you were at that moment, become who you are now. Yes.

Tell me a little bit. Oh, stand back up. First of all, give her a round of applause, please. Yes. Tell me Tell me a little bit about the person you want to be.

I would like to be a leader one day.

And what does that mean to you?

Like you said, influencing others, hoping to mold someone because someone has molded me into being who I am.

I love that.

And just giving back, especially to new hires, because it's stressful and it's overwhelming at times. I transitioned from the lab, and it was a small community where I used to work. Coming to a large corporation and being amongst great people, it was scary and challenging, overwhelming, exciting. But I want to be able to take people under my wing one day and guide them in the right direction.

Okay. There's so much I love about you.

Oh, thank you.

How many of you can relate to any aspect of what she's saying? Terrific. Oh, wow. I want to point out some things that you've done. How many people that are in leadership roles right now are like, Oh, we can get you involved in mentoring people, right? Okay, so what you just did is really important. So, Jordan, you just demonstrated one of the most important skills for career advancement, everybody. And it's something nobody talks about, particularly for women. And what I'm talking about is visibility. So the company is responsible for culture, for training, for diversity, equity, diversity and inclusion. You are responsible for your own visibility. Visibility means, are your contributions known by the people you work for? And are your goals known by the people you work for. Based on all the research, there is only one behavior change that translates to a change in title or a salary increase, and that is increasing your visibility, which Jordan just did by standing up and asking a question that was both personal and by sharing what she sees for herself. Everybody in this room now knows what she wants, including leadership. And so thank you for helping me demonstrate I'm going to illustrate what that looks like, because too many of you are working in secret.

You should assume walking out of here, nobody knows what you're doing every day because everybody's super overwhelmed. So they're unaware of the 47 things on your plate. They're unaware of the problems you're solving. And it's your job to figure out how to make things more visible. And one of the most important things is in meetings, don't ever leave a meeting without contributing something. It's a very visible setting, and too many people sit there and say nothing because you're afraid to look stupid. Hey, it's Mel Robbins. I'll get you right back to that video. But first, you got to know, I have a three-part, free training program. It's called The Reset. Seriously, it's free. I coach you. Amazing. If you're tired of having self-doubt, hold to be back. Let Mel Robbins inspire and empower you. There's a workbook. It's incredible. The Reset. Write down this URL or hit pause and jump in because the link is in the caption below. All right? Good. I can't wait to see you in the Reset. And now, back to the video. You just said what you'd like. I'd like to be a leader someday. And I personally love the field of research called behavioral activation therapy.

Behavioral Activation Therapy. Behavioral Activation Therapy is some big old word that means Is act like the person you want to become. Act like the person you want to become. That is very different than fake it till you make it. I am not going to tell you to fake being a leader. Because when you fake it till you make it, in saying that, you are amplifying your nervousness and your imposter syndrome. That is very different than being intentional and saying, I'm going to start showing up like a leader. Exactly what you said. It's like this claimed authority because how you show up does influence people. And so in your mind, if you were to take out a piece of paper, this is the simplest way to do it. You take out a piece of paper, draw a line down the center. And just think about leaders that you admire, and think about what are some of the things... Okay, you just pointed to somebody. Who?

My manager, Ty, and my director, Sheryl.

Okay, Sheryl and Ty, stand up. Awesome. So name two or three behaviors that those two do that you don't do right now.

That's a good question.

All right, why don't you ask Can you ask Ty and Sheryl for feedback right now? Can you give her feedback? Give her one behavior change. On the spot. Yeah. Why not? Let's go. Can we give her a mic?

This is coaching, I guess. Yeah. Yes. And I'm coachable.

Just one behavior change that you think would either raise her visibility or would have her be more of a leader.

I think Being more confident in herself.

What does that mean to you? How would you know if she were more confident?

I I think that she would...

Sorry, I'm nervous. That's right. I got an idea. Okay, here we go. Let's turn on the lights. Let's turn on the lights.

I think that she would just take the action instead of questioning herself.

Okay, great. That's amazing. What's your first name again? Ty. Ty. Excellent. And then what's your name? Sheryl. Sheryl, what advice do you have for her? I would give her opportunities to practice her leadership.

Knowing now that that's something she wants to do, we can create that for her and allow her to get comfortable and confident in doing so, and work on her skill that she wants. That's such a good one. And support her all along the way.

Excellent.

She's already started, so she's leading projects to do exactly what she just said.

Excellent. Excellent. So why were you nervous?

I don't like attention.

You don't like attention? Amazing. Does that come up a lot for you at work? No. No? Okay. All right. Then I won't put you on the spot. I'll be kind to you today. And Jordan, what do you think about this?

I would say she hits it right on the head. That was That was my 2022 goal for myself. It's challenging, and you have to, like I said, dig deep into who you are. But I would agree that's something I need to work on, and it's hard, but I'll get there.

For you, displaying more confidence is the skill for her to work on. Yes. Excellent. For you, what was it?

Just supporting her in her ability to either fail also and know that you're going to learn from that, but that we're here to get you, help you support.

Do you see a hesitancy? Is she struggling with perfectionism?

She's very professional.

No, Perfectionism. Perfection? Perfection, trying to get it right, scared to make a mistake.

She's perfectionist, I would think.

Okay.

She portrays that she wants that for herself, to be the best at everything she puts her.

How many So many people can relate to this. You got to get it right before you get it done. Yep, yep, yep. This is a protection mechanism. Perfectionism is not a formula for success, everybody. Perfectionism just means you're afraid of getting it wrong. And so you think if you hold on to it and you get everything right, that that's going to protect you from judgment. And so you two can sit down. Thank you very much. Give him a round of applause. I want to continue to coach Jordan because she's going to be... Come with me. Let's go up to the stage.

Oh, my goodness.

Give him a round of applause. All right. Are you nervous?

I am.

Okay, great. I love this. I'm an athlete, so I work best under pressure. Okay, good. I love that. So zero to 10, how nervous are you?

Oh, like a nine.Oh, perfect. Maybe a twelve.

Perfect. Okay. How many of you are nervous for her? Yes, you feel it? I'm sweating.

Okay, good. I wore a dark color.

Okay, I'm sweating, too. What elseHow are you feeling?

I'm overwhelmed. I'm over stimulated.

Okay. Anything in your stomach, your heart?

It's more in my eyes.

Okay. Your eyes are crying? Oh, okay, good. This is excellent. Excellent. Okay, so let's go on stage. Here we go. Everybody, give her a round of applause. Come on, Jordan. Okay, you're just going to sit right over there. Okay. All right, now I want you to look at everybody.Hi, friends.Just take them in. Take them in, right? You're doing great.Thank you.0-10. How nervous are you now?

I see some familiar faces up here, so I'm feeling a little better.Terrific.Yeah.

I am. Terrific. Okay, great.

I had to count the five-second rule for the moment.

Okay, so you used the five-second rule to do what?

To calm myself down, overcome my emotions.

Terrific. So what you're witnessing is something really important. When you stay in your head and think and you let the wave come, it gets bigger. When you move, the fear starts to lower. Now, I'm going to also teach you something really cool that you're going to love as an athlete, okay? And this is really cool. It's a way that you can use the five-second rule in performance anxiety situations, okay? And this has been backed by research at Harvard Medical School. It is the coolest thing In moments like you just did, and you did it instinctually, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, you felt the wave. All you're going to do, as dumb as this sounds, is you're going to go, I am so excited to be up here. I am so excited to be sitting in this chair. Go ahead and say it.

I'm very excited to be here sitting in this chair, getting this opportunity.

Great. Say it again.

I'm very excited to be sitting here in this chair, getting this opportunity.

Do you feel your stress going down a little bit? I do. Let me tell you why, everybody. In your body, nervousness or stress is the exact same physiological sensation as excitement. Exact same. So what sport did you play?

I was a track runner. Awesome. She's a runner. She's a track star.

She's a track star. Okay, see, now we're getting the swagger. Swagger is coming out. So before a race, when you're stomachs and knots and you got to go to the bathroom, your arms are busy, that's both excitement and nerves. So the only difference between excitement and nerves is what your brain And it says, when you use this little trick that has now been validated by Harvard Medical School, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, and go, I'm so excited. I'm excited to make this call. I'm excited to do this conversation. I'm excited to do this thing. You take control of what your brain is saying about the moment, and it lowers your stress response to the heat of the moment. And so you can use that. And what they found in research is that when you do the I'm excited, you maintain control of this part of your brain, which means you're able to focus on performing. When they did this in control groups at Harvard Medical School, the people who were taught to say, I'm excited, ran faster in track meets, they performed better in negotiation competitions, and they scored higher on standardized exams because you maintain control of this part of your brain.

When you allow your nerves to take over, you were saying it, my eyes are going all over the place. It's because you're flooding your brain with cortisol as your thoughts are like... When you go, I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. Your brain's like, Oh, wait a minute. We don't have to freak out right now. You're doing dynamite.

My heart rate's down, too. Is it?

Okay. I was like, I noticed her check her watch. I'm like, Am I boring her? She's got really cool now.

No, my heart rate, I tend to monitor that. Okay, great. It's gone down. It's gone out.It's gone out. That's freaking awesome. You got a hand hug.

Okay, hand hug. Oh, wait. Is that that way? Did I draw my hand like this? Hand hug. Hand hug. I love a hand hug. Okay. So let me talk a little bit of a confidence because this goes for all of you. I love that we're talking about Confidence, because, again, we're in this lane of if you want to change, all you need to do is identify the person you want to be, and then start acting like that person now with deep intention. And my recommendation is always start with your morning routine because it sets up the rest of your day. And the second thing, you got feedback about confidence at work. I want to give everybody a new definition for confidence based on research, okay? Confidence, believe it or not, does not mean, and I'm going to use the word swagger, it doesn't mean walking in like you own the place. It doesn't mean that you even believe in yourself yet. Confidence simply means a willingness to try. A willingness to try. And the reason why this is such a critical definition, particularly for women, is because there's this thing called a confidence-competency loop, which means when you try something, Even if you fall flat on your face, you still learn something.

You're gaining competence. And we know this is true. You became a track star because of how many times you tried. Every time you tried, every time you ran, every time you trained, you were learning something. And the more competence that you gain in something, the easier it becomes. Your resistance to it lowers. And so, again, like everything I'm teaching you, it starts with the action, not the belief. The belief comes later through the action. What are you thinking about yourself now that you're sitting here?

I could see myself being on a stage like this amongst a lot of people. The way I feel standing there asking my question versus how I feel now, speaking to a lot of people who may not have known who I was before I asked my question, I can actually speak to you guys without feeling as overwhelmed, which is nice.How cool is that? I feel like I have a lot more confidence now just being up here.

And let me say where it started from. It started from a gut instinct, an impulse to take action, and within five seconds, you shot your arm in the air. And that created this tiny little ripple effect that leads you in an entirely new direction. And so the other thing that I want to teach you, because you had a question about self-awareness, and this is really important, everybody. There are two forms of self-awareness. There's awareness of self, And then there's an awareness of how you are perceived by others. And typically, we are only good at one of those things. And so awareness of self just comes from really spending time thinking about it, reading, asking people what they see about you. It comes from trying lots of new things and testing out what feels right, because you always have an opportunity to learn more about about yourself. And like we've been talking about with sales, too, it's about slowing down a little bit so that you can pay attention to what you're feeling. But the second self-awareness is actually the one that most of us are really bad at, and that's understanding how you're perceived by others.

We're not aware of how other people think about us. And the only way that you are going to find out is if you ask. And so if you really want to grow, it's terrifying. Ask for feedback about how you can improve in these areas. Share with I really want to develop myself into a better leader. I am working on it in real-time. What would you recommend in terms of how I come off? And ask for specific behaviors? For example, in meetings, What could I do differently that would communicate to everybody else that I am acting more like a leader even though I'm not managing people? And if you can get specific behavior changes that cue Do that to other people, now you got a roadmap for things to practice. And then it comes back to confidence, the willingness to try. And then that takes us back to the five-second rule. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 is how you push yourself to try. And all those little moments that you try lead you in a brand new direction. Hey, it's Mel. Thank you so much for being here. If you enjoyed that video, by God, please subscribe because I don't want you to miss a thing.

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