Transcript of If You Find It Hard Telling People The Truth, WATCH THIS! | Mel Robbins Clips

One of the reasons why we do not communicate directly with people is because we believe that if somebody can't handle the truth, or if they're going to have an emotional reaction, or if they're going to feel upset or disappointed in themselves, that somehow it's kinder to avoid it or soft-pedal it, or not be as direct. And what you teach in a very effective way, is that it's actually one of the cruelest things you can do to somebody, to lead them on, to not tell them the truth, to lie to their face and treat them one way, but then go behind closed doors and actually complain about what they're doing and not tell them.

Wholeheartedly.

And that somewhere along the line, we have confused kindness with actually lying to people. And that's That's actually cruel.

In one of the worst ways, especially for people that you love, whenever you skirt around the truth, whenever you come at a conversation in a very indirect way, you are saying to them, I don't believe you're emotionally strong enough to handle this. Versus me saying, Mel, I'm telling you this because I know you can handle it. Now you strengthen them. And often what you say, you're giving them the armor to handle it. You're giving them the backpack for the trip that they're about to be on.

I love that. And you know what else I loved? I love that thing you added there. So I want to make sure that as you're listening, you are sticking these takeaways into that backpack that Jefferson just alluded to. And so you said, first of all, that you just go right in. Just jump right into the deep end of the pool. Don't be tap dancing around the topic and delay getting to it. This is not going to be an easy conversation. But then you have just added this thing that I loved, which is, But I'm telling you this because I know you can handle it, and I want you to hear the truth, or I want you to know how I feel about this, or you don't have to like it, but you need to know this. And you just lifted me up a little bit when you said, I'm telling you this because I think you can handle it. And that makes me go, Yeah, I think I can, too. So lay it on me, even though it's going to suck.

Exactly. You have to, in many ways, what you say to them is going to give them the value that you want them to hold. So I'm telling you this because I know you believe in transparency. I'm coming to you with this, and I know it's not fun to talk about. You're somebody who can handle it. I know you have big shoulders. You tell them the quality that you want them to have, and they will rise up to it. They'll stand up straight into it.

Oh, I love that. You tell someone the qualities that you want them to have, and people rise up into it.

Every time. When you say something to them, for example, let's say, Mel, I know that you're somebody that takes value in people's words, or that you value patience. They'll go, Oh, yeah. In their mind, they're thinking, Yeah, I'm patient. Hey, Greg, I'm telling you this because I know you have an open mind. All of a sudden, Greg is like, I do have an open mind. Yes, I do. It is. You can do that. Same thing when you walk into a room. So if you don't feel comfortable saying it directly about the person, you can say what this room is. What do you mean? What does that mean? You walk in and say, I want to make sure that this room is one that I can be entirely truthful in.

So where would you use that? At work?

Yeah. Let's say you're in somebody's office. It doesn't have to be the room of truth. I'm just saying wherever you are- You say it yourself, or you say that- Say that out loud. I want to make sure that this is a place of honesty. I want to make sure that I'm speaking in a place that's free to say what I need to say. Are we good with that? And they go, Yeah.

I I love this because in lawyer speak, you're basically leading a witness. Oh, yeah. But it works like a charm. And I've never really thought about that as a strategy to tell people how I want you to react to something.

And you add that on to what I call a frame in the conversation. So you tell somebody, you go a step further, and that is you tell them how you want the conversation to end.

Okay, so tell me this.

So let's say you made a comment at dinner. Yes.

Last night. Okay, yes.

It's this concept of you tell them what you want to talk about. You tell them how you want to feel after you in the conversation, and you get their agreement to it. You'd step into it and say, I like to talk to you about a comment you made last night at dinner, and I want to walk away from that conversation knowing that this isn't a topic you're going to bring up again in front of other people. That sound good?

That sounds like I'm in trouble, Justin Jefferson. Yeah, it could. So now I'm literally I'm not going to bring it up ever again.

But you get what I mean. Or let's say a comment that you made at a meeting last week, and I want to make sure that you and I are on the same wavelength the next meeting that we have. Does that work? And they go, That works. Now you have a frame, and now you know exactly what the conversation is about and what it's not about. Because if you talk about everything, then you really talk about nothing. You've had those meetings where, All right, everybody, we got a lot to do today. We have a lot to talk about. And you lead those meetings feeling like you really didn't-like every meeting. You didn't talk about anything.

Yes, that's every meeting that I lead. So now I'm going to use your technique. Question for you. How do you talk to somebody that you don't like? Nobody wants to feel fake. But what do you do?

Well, if you're in a position where you have to talk to somebody you don't like, that does not give you any reason to be less likable. It It's that mentality of, don't argue with a fool because onlookers won't know the difference. Forgot who said that quote, but it's that idea of if you're talking to somebody you don't like, well, you're going to talk to them as if you do.

How do you do that?

You just be who you are. Understand that you're not trying to convince the other person to like you or convince yourself to like the other person. You're convincing the people around you because they're watching you. They're watching how you talk to somebody. They're watching how you treat other people. And if you need to, just go neutral. Just stick with basic facts instead of trying to get cute and make these offhand comments and roll your eyes and cross your arms. Instead, just be very neutral in the conversation. They ask you what time it is. Instead of going, well, you know if you were here, so you don't got to watch? Okay. Instead of doing that, you just tell them the time. Be very quick with it. Get in, get out. You don't need to have more conversations than you need to. But you never want to give somebody a reason, especially somebody She's not in the conversation not to like you.

How do you handle somebody that belittles you? You're picking on your weight, or they're constantly like, Are you still single? You know how people, especially people that you're close with have a way of belittling you. What do you do in those situations?

When somebody is belittling you or giving you a insult, hurtful comment, you make them say it again, because what they're hoping And what you do in that belittling comment is get that reaction out of you. And instead, you find a way to take all the fun out of it. So when you ask them to repeat what they said, you're not giving them that hit of dopamine that they're expecting from your reaction. They're not getting that response time from you. Instead, you're delaying that gratification for them. Then it's just not worth it. Then it's just not fun. And so when you ask them to repeat it, to say, I need you to say that again.

We need to role play this.

Sure.

I'm trying to think of a scenario.

Like you just said right there, you're still single.

I need you to repeat that.

Yeah. Exactly. I'm not going to want to say that again, because now that spotlight is on me. Then also what you lead up with that is you ask questions of intent. For example, did you say that to hurt me? And now it's this mirror that they feel like, why did I say that? Oh, okay. And then they start to backtrack. Then you don't have to say anything. So if somebody says to you, Oh, so you're still single? I need you to say that again. Most likely, they're not going to say that again. But if they do, then you can even repeat what they said, I'm still single. That's what you asked me? And all of a sudden, they realized, This isn't fun. They're not going to ask that thing again. Wow. Or you just ask that question of, Did you say that to embarrass me? Did you say that to offend me? Oh, no, I didn't say that. What I meant was, and all of a sudden, they're backing away because they know you're going to stand your ground.

Wow. This is very eye-opening because I can see both situations where I need to use it, and I can see situations where I probably say things, and I'm thinking particularly to my adult kids, that probably feels belittling. I can think about our daughter I see her out in Los Angeles, and every time I see her, she's wearing a piece of clothing that I don't recognize. And so I think to myself, and oftentimes I will say, Is that new? And I'm thinking in my mind, Where do you get the money for this? That thing. And then she's like, Yeah, I thrifted it. And there's this little tiff thing. But if she were to say to me- Yeah, if she were to ask you the question- Are you trying to embarrass me?

Yeah, exactly. Are you trying to insinuate something? Are you trying to say something that you're not wanting to tell me?

Because you're right. The question is what I'm saying on the surface, but what I'm actually accusing her of is not being responsible with her money.

It's that mirror.

Yes.

It takes away the power of their insult. When you can take all the fun out of it, you take all the oxygen out of their room, and they realize that they're not going to be able to control you with that reaction that they were hoping to you. What you say is who you are. The power to communicate is that you compress your entire personality into just what they hear you say.