Transcript of El*n m*sk n skid marks

The following podcast is a Dear Media production. Second, I have some. I have some, I have some.

Let me turn myself up. Hello. Okay, I have some things to do. Okay, right at the top of the hour. I have some things to do and I have a lot to say. What's new?

First of all, I'm recording this on.

Saturday at seven in the morning because I have somewhere to be. Imagine that. I have something to do besides all of you. Yeah, I might have a lot to say, but also, I'm in a contract. I don't want to be here. I'll be hit. I'll be served. I'll be given some kind of lethal paperwork that's going to want money from me. Who doesn't want money from me? So, no, I have to come here and deliver week after week. Imagine the pressure. Imagine how I feel. It's too much to bear right on my head. It's going to squish my skull into a pancake if you don't do it first. But anyways, so. Good morning. Here's my coffee mug. I don't know if you guys have seen this one. It's girls weekend.

Toes in the sand.

Isn't that nice?

I got it on our first trip to the Hamptons.

It's four girls. This which one's me? This one's me in the Yeller here. A nice little leg cross. Red hair. I've always said I wanted to dye my hair red. Maybe when I'm going through a midlife crisis, because that's when people dye their hair red. And then this one's Robbie, the one in the shorts in the little hat. And then this one and this one. This one's Rosie O'Donnell. And this one's Sylvia Plath. And those are our lesbian couple friends.

But.

But they're new. They just started. They just started. Slipped a finger in, if you know what I mean. Because that's fucking in lesbian culture and that's the way we like it. Because in that singular finger, you'll feel more intimacy, more love and emotion than you've ever felt with that flaccid little anteater coming at your belly button. They're new, so it's sweet. Oh. Because I'm getting on a flight to Portugal, okay. And Rabbi's coming with me because she's the love of my life and I get a plus one and I don't like to go anywhere without her, okay? She's a grounding force. She makes all of the whelming of life. She makes all of the overwhelming of life. Just, well, mean. She helps me to handle. Can you imagine? And welcome back to another episode of Long Way Nerd. Okay, shall we? Shall we? Naturally, I'll talk about the discourse. Is Gabby okay? I know her shtick is depression and she talks about it, but genuinely, has anyone checked on her? Yeah, yeah, everyone. Are you blind? Have you heard nothing? Are your ears plugged? Are those three little bones in your brain not so reverberating on the correct frequency to understand that I'm okay?

Yes, of course I'm okay. I'm too good. In fact, I'm too good now. I don't know what to do with myself. Am I going to be able to create, Create art, now that I am, somewhat, for the first time in my life, at some kind of level of contentment? Is that okay with you? Because it's a scary place to me. What do you mean? Is she okay? And of course I'm not okay. Are we treading on the same planet? Do you know capitalism? It's ruining our lives. Do you know fischism? It's coming to get us. Not so slow. It's coming to get us in a flat bill and ugly sunglasses. Probably Oakley in a chainsaw on stage at some kind of a conference. Are you kidding? What are you doing that? Is Elon Musk okay? Yeah, I'm okay. Yeah, I'm okay. Because the greatest thing to ever happen to me besides falling in love, it. It gave me this. This is. What I'm about to tell you is. That is the same feeling as when Robbie and I were falling in love at a lesbian dance party to Katy Perry's Teenage Dream on the perfect amount of mushrooms.

I looked down in her. I looked down into her beautiful face and I saw forever in those gorgeous green eyes in circle sunglasses that she's had for, I don't know, 12 years. And she will not let me touch. Baby, they're crooked. They need an adjustment. It doesn't matter. She says it's made of a soft material she cannot touch. And she can't get new lenses. No, because she can train her eyes to not get any worse. And what happened to me? And it gave me an out of body experience. I was levitating. This is what. This is what happens when I become too heavy, when I have too many dopamines in my brain, when they're all becoming level, they start to float. Slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly. There goes the Achilles heel. I can't stop it. I can't stop it. I can't stop it. And then My little piggies. And then I'm floating because Trisha Paytas says she likes me. Because Trisha Paytas has been talking about me. How about you? Maybe, if you're lucky. She's the single most person that I've been following for at least two years and that's a lot for me. She got me at.

Do you think rare beauty is called rare because of her rare disease? Actually, Trisha, you might be onto something. And then I started levitating and then I can. I can exactly remember I was making a coffee and then I got a DM from Trisha Paytas and then I started floating. I had out of body experience. I said this is. This was never supposed to happen to a girl like me. It was never supposed to. And now look where we are. Look where we are. And the drag queen community is fully embracing me. Okay, now we've made it. We've made it. I have them on my side. I can do anything with an army of drag queens and I can.

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Not doing okay, Doing the best I've ever done. Because the drag queens have taste, because they know to ember. They know who to embrace in their community. And they're picky. No, you can't be just anyone. Cher. Meryl Streep in me. Gagriela. Yeah. If that's not the form of highest praise, I don't know what in. I don't need to be embraced by any other community besides Trish. Like fish and drag queens. That's right. That's right. That's why I'm getting eight hours of sleep a night and I wake up feeling refreshed. That's why my nightmares aren't getting to me as much. And yes, I have nightmares every night. I woke up to one this morning because I have pstd, a disease of the brain. And then I'll stop there. But who doesn't? Who doesn't? Okay? And I don't know. I don't know where you've been in the last day. And sorry to break the news to you like this. And I might have to cut this whole thing. And I do have to remind myself to change what I'm about to show you in about 10 minutes in case something bad happens and things do not go to plan.

Only every single fucking time I married. Oh, I'm not gonna cry. I'm not gonna cry. But this is the single best thing also, besides just a piece in the garage. I know I keep saying it is, Robbie. And you guys know and I know. And now we're married. And I'm sorry to make you green with envy, but if it can happen to me, it can. Oh, I gotta set it. That is my alarm to take off my ring in case all does not go to planned. So I have to set another one because I cannot re record this, okay? Because. Because I told you I'm gonna be on a flight to Portugal and it's too much for me. It's too much for me. I had to cross my teeth and dot my eyes and pack the right medication to fall asleep at the exact right time. And no, I don't want to miss a meal, no wake my ass up. But if I'm hard to wake up, then please just leave it in front of me. I want to wake up to the. To the smell of a TV dinner that can sometimes be surprisingly good.

And I've been putting on my ring and taking it off and putting it off and taking off. Because I don't. Because we got married two months ago and we kept it to ourselves for once. Can I keep one thing to myself for once? No, I can't. I wish I could be more mysterious. But. But that. That blessing is not bestowed upon me. Because I have to tell you, my every single thought to make a dime around here. All the air of mystery ripped away. Never you, me, you, you ubiquitous you. And now every time I look down at my ring, I see her gorgeous little head staring back at me. And then I want to squeeze it. I want to squeeze it. You know when you see a cute baby, God forbid, and you want to squeeze it so tight. Oh, but it still has its fontanelles. Now what are you gonna do? Now what are you gonna. Now what are you gonna do besides ruin that baby's future? All because of you. So don't even squeeze. Don't even come near the baby. But this is how I feel about my ring. It was the best day of my life.

I wanna relive it over and over and over again, you know? You wanna know what being married is like? You wanna know what being married feels like? It feels like leaning over in the bed when you don't have any underwear on because you packed it all and you only have a couple clean pairs. You have to go to Victoria's Secret to hit the 5 for 25, but you haven't had any time, so you're not wearing any underwear, but naturally a T shirt. And then you have to lean over in the bed to charge your phone. And she comes right at your butthole with your little fingers. And even though you're too tired, even though you're. You're too tired, you're exhausted, you have a lot in your mind, a lot on your plate. You like it? Whoa. Whoa, baby. Okay, maybe two. Because we're in love. Because we're together forever. And those fingers are always gonna want to touch me. I hope so. I hope. I. Oh. But I don't want to give too much away because obviously I want her on. And then we'll talk about it and we'll gush, we'll gush. And you'll want to stick a singular digit into the garbage disposal.

But just know that feeling is passing. It will not be here forever. Cause it's for you, too. Okay. See? You couldn't even see, but okay. But I'm gonna take it off. It's brutal. I always gotta take it off. I gotta put it on. I gotta take it off. I gotta put it on. I'm sick of it. But it's happening, okay? Because I don't know if I'm gonna have to cut this. So fuck, I'm all the professional. So fuck. I don't want to be this way. I don't want to be so responsible. It doesn't even want to come off. My fingers are swollen and I got new nails because I'm sick of the old ones. And then they're a little too short, and I hate them. And they're a booty digger. You know what? A booty dig. You know what it is? Because you probably have them. Take a good look at yourself in the mirror. Show yourself your five stubby little fingers that have been digging in your butthole because there's no nail around so it can go up the butt, dig around and come out without a trace because hopefully your asshole will clench right around it to squeeze out the remaining evidence.

And that is a booty digger. And then I know you, you're gonna shove it right in your nose, if not your mouth, you sick fuck freak. Okay, now let's really get into it. Now let's really get into it. The Meryl Streep of it all. Meryl Streep is the hottest woman in the world. No questions, no contestations. I will not hear it. Have you seen her in Death Becomes Her? That little number in the beginning and character heels and great pantyhose. Better than Sabrina Carpenter's. No, she stole it from Meryl Streep in a perfectly placed wig. And she's doing. She's doing a double stag leap all over the stage effortlessly with confidence that we could only dream about. The confidence comes from within. She knows she is grace and wit and sass and charisma. No. No. We could only hope and pray. Not even on your knees, but on.

All fours to your Lord.

Please make me more like Meryl Streep. No. Because if you tried to double stag.

To chasse leap all over the stage.

You know where it get you four counts late on the next eight count. You rushing and rushing and rushing to try and finish it up and hit that hip bump. But instead you knocked out one of your homosexual dancers. He's on his way to the ER and you've ruined the whole performance. But you somehow save it at the end with that little move. You've been working on the splits, but you can only get halfway without pulling a hamstring. No, you're tight. We're not 18 anymore. That's what would happen. That's what would happen if we tried to be anything like Meryl Streep. Because she emanates from within and on the outside you can't take. You can't take your eyes off of her because she loves herself and people try and undermine. People try and undermine. Well, she's not conventionally attractive. Have you looked at yourself in the mirror anytime lately? Have you washed your hands and looked up at that dirty fingerprint mirror anytime lately? Who's looking back at you? She's not conventionally attractive. This is just the way to make women feel like they're not good enough. What the fuck is new? Don't come at me, you dirty troll, because obviously this is coming from men.

Because. No, because. No, because. Because it is true. And you don't know until you know. Until you get to the. And I hate. And I hate. And I hate giving you one glimmer of hope, but I'm married and I'm feeling good. I'm wifed up. I'm a wife and she's a wife or a husband, whatever she wants to be. We are bride and groom. Because we're. Because we're on a spectrum of ourselves of sorts. Because it's only us. Because if you. Because if. Because it doesn't matter. Because we cannot be comparing ourselves to the other. No. Because if you feel good for you, then that's all that counts. Damn, I feel good today. If you want in your skinny jeans, then you do, and that's all that counts. You walk out that door with your head held high, and who gives a shit who else is out there? Because it's all about what you think. And then it becomes true. And then it all becomes true. I don't have to look at her buttonholes or her perfectly powdered lips that I need 1.5cc's of filler to try and get, but then they look little heavy, like an inner tube.

Well, that's okay. This is for me. And I love having big, plump lips. The bottom lip especially. I was wearing that cape last night on the episode of Traders, and somehow it made my lip look huge. And I loved it because it's for me, not for anyone else. And this is what Meryl Streep has taught us. Have we learned nothing From Jinx Monsoon, RuPaul's Drag Race? I don't even know what season. Maybe season three. The quirky queen that Michelle Visage loathed with all of her being, but she's allowed to because she has a seat on the RuPaul's Drag Race panel of judges. What have you done lately? She's allowed to loathe. She's earned her credibility. But it didn't stop Jinx from winning. And Jinx was herself. She was put down. She was put down. She was put down. But obviously, she's a little different. She's from the Pacific Northwest. They have a culture of their own that we can only understand. We could only understand if you were there, and I'm not. But Jinx Monsoon stayed true to herself, and she took that crown. Have we learned nothing? And then we have to move on.

And then this is also something that we've completely lost about. About the. About the girl code. Be honest. Be honest. Be honest with your friend. If she doesn't look good, well. Well, let me stop you right there. Only if it's object. Div. Ly unarguably wrong. Because who knows, if your friend looks in the mirror and she's lighting up with her camel toe you're gonna let her have it? How do these jeans look? Well, they look amazing with your fat. Because it's a sign of power. Don't tell me I have a camel toe, because I love it. Don't tell me my lip has escaped my dress because I have long lips and they have a mind of their. And finally, you can see what I can see, which was a real story. We were at a Cosmo party, and Tuffy was there, and JT Was on stage. Hello. So I was on the couches, naturally. She's my city girl. I was dancing and dancing and dancing, and my left lip escaped. Tuffy was laughing. She was laughing. She was laughing. She's like, gabby, you're pussy. And I was like, finally, somebody sees me for who I am.

Long labied lover girl. Because it's for us to decide. Yes. You gotta be honest. If your friend has something in their teeth and they're more than 10 and they're more than 10 seconds away from the mirror. Yes. You gotta tell them. Maybe. Maybe. Of course. That is a good friend. But if you can tell your friend likes what they're looking at, what are you gonna tell them? No. No. We support women' rights and wrongs because mostly their wrongs are rights, and you cannot tell me any different. Yes. I am an apologist. And the only time we need to be honest was when they're looking desperate over a man. No, girl, you're better than him. He wishes. No, because. No, because she's not. You let him go to the party. Let him go to the bar. No, because he'll never find someone like you. And he'll regret the day he ever left the house without you or her. So that's what I have to say about that.

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Bodybuilders, a podcast where we get super real about all the overlooked moments when it comes to women's health. And I'm going to ask some of the questions that you were a little too afraid to ask. I'm your host, Kat Schneider. I'm a mom of three girls and the founder and CEO of Ritual. Ritual is a women's health company that's working to set a totally new standard in the supplement industry with traceable science and traceable sourcing. In this series, I'll be sitting down with leading experts and friends, and we'll be diving into topics that affect us all, from periods to fertility to postpartum and even perimenopause. So let's be a little provocative, a little tmi and have exactly the kind of conversation we all need right now. Let's get into it.

And then I have something to say. Now let's talk about the three men who no one can stop talking about. And they are all the equal amount of pervert. Justin Baldoni, Elon Musk, Dylan Efron. Let's get into this, shall we? Let's get into the Justin Baldoni Flake Lively of it all. That's what Robbie calls Blake Lively. Flake lively. What are we doing? I don't know if I'm so much interested in the Blake v. Justin or the Candace Owens of it all. She loves this. She cannot get enough. She's salivating. So this is where I'm getting all of my information from the most credible outlet of them all, free press. She says whatever the she wants and it's free to access on Spotify podcasts. And I'm not taking a side. I'm not taking a side. I'm not taking the Candace side. I'm not taking the Blake. The Blake side. I'm not taking the Justin side. I'm not taking sides. They're all as right and as wrong as they want to be. No, because I don't care. No, because it's not that deep, let me tell you. No, because have you ever heard their fucking. No, because have you ever heard hell hath fury like a woman scorned?

We know what's going on here. We saw the rooftop scene. Undeniable. Some kind of weird chemistry that made me uncomfortable watching. Is this good acting? I doubted. I've never heard of Justin Baldenoni before this. No, it was scaring me, like I was watching something I wasn't supposed to and not in a good way, because this is the raw footage. No, it's scary. It's terrifying because obviously she told you she was breastfeeding in her trailer and that you could come in because you were next. You were next on the feeding list because it's Your turn to breastfeed. And she's going to throw. And then she threw her baby head first out the window. It's your turn, Justin. Let's get some of that nutrient rich colostrum. And Ryan Reynolds is mad that they didn't let him cook because he wanted to watch. But now he has to exercise all his power. Now he's really taking over. Suing this, suing that. Who knew there was $400 million in the pot? But it's all going to the same place. I bet they're all in on it. This is just. This just a bigger scam to launder their money to a.

To the Caribbean island so they can buy another soccer team that nobody pays attention to. So they can maybe. So they can maybe buy what's left of that island. And you know which one I'm talking about. Not the Isle of Lesbos. And who knows what they're going to do on it. I don't want to know more of.

This breastfeeding, I'm sure.

Save it. Save it. In the voice memo. In the voice memo. Justin, don't talk to me in that voice. It's condescending. And it's 2am why are you up all night thinking about me at 2am you call yourself a professional? Why don't you set a zoom call like the rest of us? Don't send me a voice Memo that's over 120 seconds long. Hello. And get HR on the Zoom because I don't trust anything that's going on. And they cut off. They cut off the voice memo that was leaked halfway. There was more after that. What is there to know? We were gonna. No, I'm sorry. I missed my feeding. He was gonna say, and if someone knows how to copy paste a voice memo, I'd love to know. I need that kind of insider knowledge because I have not figured it out yet. So how did this voice memo get leaked to the press and everyone knows? You're sending a voice memo because you don't want to get caught talking shit in written word. No, you need it in spoken because as the great Dorinda Medley has said, say it, forget it, write it, regret it.

He knows. He knows because they were all in on it from the beginning. They're all plotting and planning which text messages to leak, which nudes to leak. There's been no nudes yet. Which voice meme, which rooftop scene to leak. Well, it's all very bamboozling. It's all very concept. It's all very confusing because it all leads to the same place you were fucking. This is a fight between billionaires, which we will never understand. Yeah, Justin Baldoni might not have a dollar to his name because who knows what he's spending it on. That little wrist around his. That little watch around his little wrist. No, I do not like his bicep to hand ratio. It gives me the heebies. That's what he said. But his partner in the studio is a billionaire, so this is what's going on. They don't think like us. They're not like us. As the prophet Kendrick Lamar has been saying, we don't actually know what's going on. And you know what? And once again, I don't want to know. Yes, I do. I want to see Taylor Swift deposed show up in a sequence bodysuit that looks just like a onesie. It's brief, cut.

And she's going to get up there and she's going to be like, shake it off, shake it off, shake it off, shake it off, shake it off. I was never involved. Involved. Which she did get sucked in. I'm sure of it. This was also part of the plan. Justin told Blake to involve Taylor and call them all her dragons, as she is Khaleesi. That is not her own wording. That is Justin's.

Obviously.

All of this is alleged. Alleged. Because I don't trust a man who stands on a platform that he supports women. No, I don't. Noted. Your own kind neglect. You know, the men can't even see through you, but something about you makes them innately want to disown, you know, your own kind. It's always your own people. They're pushing you away. They don't want. They don't want you in their community of the men. So you have to pander to women. Oh, this one. I'll go. I'll get. I'll parade on them because they'll buy my. Well, I'm not buying. I'm not buying one second of it. Not one ounce of it. Justin Ballard. Dream on, baby. You ain't gonna. You ain't gonna get me. No. Because who says out loud that he's a man? Nardo. Oh, he just got a groom. Who says out loud that he's a man who silenced his wife in public. He'd always cut her off. He didn't ever let her tell a joke or finish a. And he said this out loud and dare I say, a braggadocious manner. He's unscrupulous. Sorted. Those ethics, those morals are all wrapped up. They're all confused and Left for dead.

Don't talk to me about how women should be treated. Just do it. Just do it. And don't brag about how you've wronged them every step of the way and think that you could get away with it with your olive skin and in curly locks. No. I can see right through you. And it's making it worse. No. Because you're a smug little. You're a smug little. And those fingers are half as long as they should be. My labor is so long you couldn't even get one knuckle deep. And you call yourself a man who supports women? No, no. Just. Just literally. No, no, no. Because you couldn't even support my prolapsed uterus. Because you couldn't push it up because your fingers aren't long enough. No, you do not support me. Okay?

Partur.

And now there's a toddler running our country. He has spit up on his T shirt, his belly hanging out, walking around knock kneed. He has no balance, no equilibrium. His ears aren't working right and he needs a chainsaw. Oh, yeah. What in the production company is allowing this toddler man of a billionaire a chainsaw on stage with a chain and laughing. You're in the back laughing for your own demise. For encouraging this freak pervert. Disgusting. No, disgusting. Because this is how he wants to show off his power. Oh, yeah. Everyone's gonna be scared. Everyone will think I'm totally sane. But scary. This is all the oligarchs do. I'm just learning from my predecessors. Yeah, well, I don't even think. I don't even think they had a chainsaw on stage, you freak. Did he. Did Elon Musk ruin Twitter? Did Twitter ruin Elan? Which ones? Which? The chicken or the egg? Because he went viral once and the hit was too strong. He can't get it again. It's like the first time that you do a gold plunge or worse. Or in the same vein and worse. Heroin. It's a drug. It's an opiate. It's highly addictive.

The power was too great for him to handle. Imagine me. Imagine me with my nail videos, my business hours. Imagine me. What do you think? I fight every day. I fight the supremacy. I fight taking over the world. But he cannot. He's succumbing to the virality of Twitter. But you're wrong. You thought you could take over the world with the Tesla truck. Well, it's the worst sedan we've ever seen and there's no way you can parallel park it. And y'all Call it a sedan because it doesn't even have a bed that's open. Nobody likes the Tesla truck. I swear to God. I swear to God, if I order one more Uber black and it shows up as a Tesla when I could have paid $20 less for a blue, I'm gonna get on the phone with customer service and I'm gonna regret the day they ever signed that W2. You don't want to work for this company. Not with me on the other line. And then he has that disease. He has that sowing the wild oats disease of sorts. And it's contagious, okay? So if there's one straight man listening to this, do not come close.

But I know who you are and I know you will because you also want the power. Because you cannot help it. It lies within the foreskin that use it and get cut off. So naturally you're left with the chemegma. It lies in there. You cannot help it. You can't. And women don't come near. Do not come near. Because you're gonna get sewn. Is that I. I want a baby with you. I want a baby with you. You ivf, you surrogate. You bend over. He's Oprah and you've been. And you bend over and you get a baby. Baby, baby. Stop it. Stop it. You sick. You're sick in the head. Something is definitely wrong. You guys heard of that thousand dad that could not help himself from jacking off so much and he sold it to all the sperm banks and then he out thought all the rules and regulations. So all the rules and regulations probably weren't thought of in the first place because he was going to different countries. He was going to different. And this is what Elon Musk is going to do. Then we get to the point where we don't know if we're fucking our cousin and how our baby's going to come out.

How many heads it's going to come out with? How many arms? How many fingers? How many toes? 10 fingers. 10 toes on one arm. How about that? How about that? Do you say? What are you going to do with that? Play the piano? Here's another Mozart. Now I'm selling it too much. I need you to take a step back. I need you to take a step back. Everyone's going to be related. It's going to be incestuous. Touching a stranger on the street.

And you have to sleep with yourself at night.

This is the leader of our country. And no, nobody likes Elon Musk. I don't Know how we got here? Some may like the other disgusting bray tan toupee of a leader. Nobody likes Elon Musk. No, because. No because he's going to do the surrogacy, the ivf, the you natural, the you midwifery, the you give birth in a hospital and then he's going to take those oats then he's going to try and sew all of those dry Quaker oats on Mars. He's got to get to Mars. He's got to get to Mars to impregnate. Are the marshan alien. No, but the women of the alien.

There's.

That's not a patriarchy up there in Mars, it's a matriarchy. And he's gonna wish. He's gonna wish the rocket never shipped. He's gonna wish there was not enough force to shoot him into.

Where's Mars?

The second or first planet into one of those planets that are before or after the Earth? I'm not quite sure. What do I look like an astrologist? No. I'm running my mouth to you for less than I'd like to admit. But he's going to try and get to those, get to those gorgeous Alenias but they're not going to buy his bullshit because they have respect for themselves and, and they have a built in defense of the teeth. So when he comes in for penetration, when Elon Musk comes in for penetration, their gonna bite down and there goes your instrument. Ouch. And he's probably gonna like it because he hates himself because he can't even recognize the person that he turned into. And he wants to have baby with the boy. He wants to get pregnant himself through AI. This is what he wants because he can't admit that he bats for the other team. He used to love the gays. He used to do the whole rainbow flag and hearts in his Twitter bio and now he's woke virus red pill. Hey, the gays and all they stand for, they should be condemned to hell.

Well I'm already going to hell and let me tell you, it's not for being gay, it's for other things. Naturally. I was on Reddit the other day, I came across a Pitbull thread, one I like to frequent of sorts and the caption went pitbull looks like he's going to steal the moon. So Pitbull. Pitbull and Elon Musk have a lot in common. But I'd rather have Pitbull as our fearless leader Dale. Dale just wants to have a good reggaeton beat. In the back and live freely. No, we don't need to assimilate. No, we don't all need to be the same because we're inherently different. Look at me, I'm Pitbull. I have an amazing singing voice with an affinity for a good beat, a bald head and a short stature. And that's okay for me. You don't have to be like it. Pitbull. Pitbull wants to steal the moon, but Elon Musk wants to fuck the moon. He wants to impregnate her. He wants to have a big old moon baby. Well, let me tell you something. Let me tell that's not a moon baby. That's a baby with gestational diabetes. They thought I had it once upon a time.

I was 12 pounds and a two footer. I was two full feet long. And the nurses said that's a hyperglycemic if I've ever seen one. And then maybe if Elon Musk goes to the moon, he'll never come back. Hopefully. We could only hope and pray that the line of communication could be cut. Allah, Armageddon. Bruce Willis. We're losing you. We're losing you. We can't hear you because we don't actually know what it's like to go to the moon because we've never been. We've never been. What if you've done it once, you can't go twice. That looks awfully suspicious of a green screen when special effects were just invented. And Elon Musk isn't just a billionaire, he's a three a hundred dollar billionaire. 300 billion dollar heir, you guys know what I'm saying? Okay, okay. He needs to be stopped. What I would do. What I would do with the fraction of it and with all that money. And with all that money he can't even get a cell phone plan because the only ways that the mother of his children can get a hold of him is via Twitter. Hey baby. Hey our baby. You're not my baby.

Hey, hey Elon. Your baby needs a burping. The one thing you could do for once for sake. Come downstairs. Stop playing your video games and going to Mars. We're not going there. This is Earth. Burp your baby and don't make me tell all of X via a tweet that I had to wash your boxers. You don't even wear briefs your boxers twice. Because your skid marks skidded. But it didn't come off it within one wash. It took multiple. I have no choice but to but to tell Twitter that because You. Because you haven't texted me back and you haven't sent your alimony like, please get off this space station that is just the attic. You're not in space. And this is what it's like. And for the last man that nobody can stop talking about the Dylan Ephron of it all. No Dylan. No Dylan. I'm not a traitor. You want to get me out every round table, but these debating skills are better than you could ever imagine. You think I didn't go to the Elwoods School of Law? People are like. You're like Elle Woods. And I'm like, thank you. I learned from Judge Judy, actually.

But I understand. I am no Judge Judy. But she was a big inspiration. But I have awareness. I am more of an Elle Woods. But I would never chase my man. I would never chase a man to go to Harvard. No, thank you. I'm public school educated. Tried and true. Wouldn't change it for anything. Yes, I would. Oh, she's wearing leather hot pants. Manipulative. Oh, she's in a perfectly cowled cow neck red dress. Deceptive. With perfectly laid choker pearls. Gaslighter. The sure sign of a gaslighter. Oh, you don't like my high pony? She's a cheater. She's a liar. To who? This is who I am. I'm just being myself. I'm not a traitor. I haven't done one traitor's thing. I haven't lied to any of you. Besides, maybe all of you. But I had to do it for my own sake. Because we're playing for ourselves. I have to do what I have to do. But it wasn't a bold face lie. Maybe I said I liked you to your face, but I really don't. Yeah, that's the only thing I lied about. Yeah, I lied about all your jokes when I said they were funny, because they're not.

And now I don't even know who I'm talking to anymore. I'm talking to all of you. No, she's not a traitor. And I think. On that note. And I think. And I think that's it for now. So thank you for coming back time and time again for another episode of Long Wind.

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