Transcript of Armchair Anonymous: Valet Driver

Wndri Plus subscribers can listen to Armchair Expert early and ad-free right now. Join WNDRI Plus in the WNDRI app or on Apple podcast, or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcast. Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dan Sheppard, and I'm joined by Lily Padman. Hi. Hi. Today, we have Crazy Valet Driver Stories.

It's a harrowing profession, as it turns out.

Both to park To park the car and to park the car.

That's right.

We have a Ms. Matt, a Ms. Hodgepodge. Hodgepodge. A mashup. Mosh pit. We have a mosh pit of different experiences dealing with valet drivers. Please enjoy Valet drivers.

I'm Jon Robbins, and on my podcast, I sit down with incredible people to ask the very simple question, How do you cope? From confronting grief and mental health struggles to finding strength in failure. Every episode is a raw and honest exploration of what it means to be human. It's not always easy, but it's always real. Whether you're looking for inspiration, comfort, or just a reminder that you're not alone in life's messier moments, join me on How Do You Cope. Follow now wherever you get your podcasts or listen to episodes early and ad free on WNDYRI Plus. How Do You Cope is brought to you by Audible, who make it easy to embark on a wellness journey that fits your life with thousands of audiobooks, guided meditations, and motivational series. Hello, I'm Jon Robbins, comedian and host of WNDYRY's How Do You Cope podcast. I'm also, Plot Twist, an alcoholic. I've written a book, Thirst: 12 Drinks That Change My Life, published by Penguin. Thirst is a book about alcohol. It's mystery, it's terror, it's havoc, it's strange meditations. But, John, I hear you cry. Isn't that a rather odd book to write for a sober man who more than anything wants to stop thinking about alcohol?

Well, yes, but I had to go back to find out why the one thing I know will kill me still calls out across the night. It's the story of what alcohol did for me and what alcohol did to me. If that's of interest to you or someone you know, Thirst, 12 Drinks That Change My Life, is available to pre order now online and from all good bookshops.

Hello.

Hello. Now, are you a big outdoors person? You have, it seems like, camping gear or some cold weather stuff behind you.

I am. This is my camping backpacking closet. I got all my sleeping bags and backpacks and anything I might need.

How many days a year are you out in the wilderness?

This year, I spent 30 nights outside this summer.

This summer?

Wow. Yeah.

That's admirable.

It is. Now, you're not scared of bears, then?

That's a different story. I am scared of bears. I worked this summer in Glacier National Park and had a pretty intense bear encounter, but that's not what we're here for today.

Oh, my God.

Or are we? Did you pee your pants?

Luckily, no one peed their pants. Someone did scrape up their knees, started bleeding, and they're Just keep going. We got to leave.

So I was like, Okay. This is what takes me out. I don't ever want to meet a grizzly bear. I already worked with one professionally, and that was enough for me.

You already did it once and got out alive.

Okay, so where are you?

I'm in Golden, Colorado. So just west of Denver.

Yes. And is that where they brew Coors beer? It is. Yeah. Okay, you have a ballet story.

I do. This is a story from the most chaotic summer of my life, but it's just a little snippet of it. It's not the the whole thing. Okay. Happened between my sophomore and junior year of college, I decided to work a seasonal job up in a National Park in the PNW. So how the seasonal jobs work, I drove out there in my car, I brought all my stuff, loaded up my Kia forte, Okay. After a series of unfortunate events, which is a whole 'nother' story, I decided to quit Midway and just travel for the rest of summer before school started again.

You said Pacific Northwest? Is that what you're saying? Yes. Okay, you're speaking in codes. Okay.

Oregon, Washington area. So it just so happened that when I decided to quit, a friend who I met at the park invited me on a trip to Iceland in about two weeks. And I was like, I'm in. Quit my job, had two weeks off to travel to PNW. I was like, this is perfect. Me and another ex-co-worker loaded up all of our stuff for the summer in my Kia Forte. So it was packed. And we hit the road. We spent most of those two weeks hiking, camping, living it up, having the best time. After about a week and a half of camping, we decided to treat ourselves to a hotel. And we're like, this is going to be so nice. We can sleep in a real bed. We can shower.

Can I tell you something so stupid? This entire story, I'm framing in my mind that you were a valet driver, and I'm now realizing. And then you lovingly refer to the Kia forte so many times. I was like, She really loves your car. And then I just like a dumb dumb, put together like, Oh, you're going to have valeted your car, and it's going to involve the Kia Forte.

Did you think all of these were going to be like- Well, she was saying summer job.

I'm like, Okay, that's a great summer job as a valet. You got it. You got a lot of grease. I always wanted that job. But no. Okay, I've caught up now. So you're going to go to a nice hotel.

This hotel had valet, and I was 20 at the time. I was like, I have never used valet in my life. I was so excited. Checked my car into the valet. We grabbed our overnight bags, went out, explored the city, and was just having the grandest of time. Come about 10: 00 PM, we get back to the room, and I realized I left my phone charger in the car. I went down to the front desk. I was like, Hey, can you pull the car around? It's a Kea forte. Five minutes past, 10 minutes past. And I was like, Dang, it must be a busy day for the valet. It's a Friday night. Maybe a lot of people want their car at 10: 00 PM. So we headed back up to the room, and a few minutes later, the phone rang. I was like, Oh, perfect. The car must be here. And my friend picked it up, and I will never get this sight out of my head. She picked it up and answered in the most joyous tone, Maggie and Danielle's room, how can I help you? And then I just saw her face drop, and she hands the phone over to me, and someone on the other end goes, Is this the owner of the Kia forte?

Okay. The proud owner of a Kia forte.

First car, I was so proud of it.

Oh, no.

I say yes, and they ask me to come down to the lobby.

They're making you go to them.

Maybe they want her to see what's happening. Oh, shit.

And they're like, We don't know how to tell you this. Your car has been an accident.

It's been in an accident? I thought it was sleeping in the garage.

Yeah. So as they were pulling the car around, apparently, a drunk motorcyclist ran a red light, teaboned my car, and totaled it.

Oh, my God. Did we lose the motorcyclist? If you teabone a car that bad.

I was scared about that. I asked, I was like, Is the valley driver and the motorcyclist okay? And they go, They're both in the hospital, minor injuries. They're going to be fine. Oh, my Lord. So they took me over to the accident, and they're like, We're going to give you all the contact information. Talk to the police. At this point, it was 11: 00. I was getting tired. A tow truck came and towed the car to the front of the hotel, and I unloaded everything from that car. I mean, I'm talking the whole collection of things for two people over the summer: bedding, clothes, suitcases, backpack, camping gear. That Kiaforte was packed.

Maybe that's why he didn't die. It cushioned the blow.

Yeah, the padding.

I was thinking. Yeah, it was like, got stuffing inside. I was thinking.

Maybe. Ran into the sleeping bags in the tents and just bounce right off.

As he was flying through the air, he went, Oh, thank God. Then hit the ground. Or maybe even grabbed one of his- Yeah, wrapped himself in a sleeping bag.

I put everything in the hotel's conference room and went to bed. The next morning, spent all day talking with my insurance, the motorcyclist's insurance, and the hotel's insurance, because it wasn't my fault and still had to get everything that I brought for the summer back to my house, back in Denver. And I was leaving the country in two days.

Oh, stressful.

The co-worker I was with, I was dropping her off in another city. It was supposed to be that day, but obviously, that didn't happen. A few hours away with all of her stuff. Thankfully, the hotel did everything they could to accommodate us. They shipped everything we needed back to our homes or to our next destination. I was under 25 at the time. Well, still am under 25, but under 25, couldn't rent a car. And this was during 2021, so cars were hard to come by.

Oh, I got it. You couldn't even rent a car because I'm like, Yeah, they got to rent you a car so you can drop your pal off and then head home and then turn it in there.

Yeah. Luckily, the hotel comped our rooms, and they also bought me a train ticket and all the Ubers and train rides and taxis I needed to get to the airport. So I made it to the airport two days after this happened. I then went on my international trip and dealt with my car when I got back home.

Did you fly on a SeaTack? Yes, I did. So you took that Silver Surfer train I think it's called, the Silver Surf Line? I don't remember. What if you just go, I don't care. You still Monica's words right out of her mouth. I don't care. I don't think anyone else cares either what the branding of the train was. So was the car a total? Did it remain in the PNW, or did they fix it and ship it home? What happened?

It was totaled. I never saw that car again. The last time I saw it was on the streets, windshield cracked, airbags out.

Did you get enough money back to replace the Forte?

They didn't give me enough to replace the exact same. So I had to buy a new car and take out a little loan for that.

I'm just thinking that Will Forte is in these VW commercials, right? Isn't he in them with Kristen Wig and Hater? Isn't it the three of them?

No, he's not. No, it is. It's the Californians.

It's our best dude. It's Fred Armisen. Because I was thinking, why doesn't Kea hire Will Forte for the Kea Forte?

Oh, funny.

The Kea Will I really didn't understand until that last sentence. Yeah, this is a missed opportunity.

You're right.

You're onto something.

I really have gotten something that's going to break through. But did you have a good rest of your trip?

I hope. As I said, this was the most chaotic summer of my life, and it just got even more chaotic after that.

Oh, boy. The planets were not aligned.

It was the best summer and the worst summer, all wrapped in one.

It was the best of times.

It was the worst of times. Did you consider when the Kia forte was in its accident that you're like, I'm not supposed to travel?

That's what Monica would have done. She was said, The universe has told me I shouldn't get to my flight.

Maybe she was supposed to be on that flight.

Did you get food poisoning on that trip?

I did not. I got baby health hostage.

Baby held hostage.

Wait, baby held hostage? We were staying in an Airbnb, and the Airbnb lady trapped us in the Airbnb with a knife and wanted our passport.

What?

She was on that trip.

You were not supposed to No.

You weren't listening. Yeah.

Ignoring all the signs, but anyway.

Oh, my. Was it Bjork?

No. It was crazy. It was chaotic.

Wow, wow, wow. Well, Maggie, it's a delight to meet you. You have the best attitude for this hijinks. So you've chosen the right path as an adventurer because it seems like anything can roll off your back.

Thank you. I've had enough of these random things come up in my life that I figured you can either take it and be sad or mad about it, or you can take it and be like, You know what? It's a great story. It I've sucked at the moment, but it's funny now.

That's my ethos.

Nice.

It's so great to meet you guys. I've just recently become a fan. Two of my friends, Liza and Maggie, they wanted me to give them a shout out. They introduced me to the podcast, and they're like, It's a great work podcast. Oh, Absolutely right.

Thanks, gals. Thanks for turning Maggie on to us.

Yes.

All right. Send them our love, and good luck on all your travels. I think they'll be extensive.

Thank you. I appreciate it, and have a great rest of your day. All right.

Bye-bye. Hello. Hi. You immediately look like many people. Who are you told you look like most?

To be honest, not really anybody.

I'm going to hit you with one who's a personal friend, Molen Ackerman. Oh. Christina Applegate? Oh, Christina. Are you watching The Hunting Wives?

Yes. It's a great compliment. I've never heard that before.

Okay, we'll take it.

When you first appeared, I got Polar vibes.

Oh, Amy Polar.

You guys are spoiling me. These are great.

Good company. And where are you?

I am currently in Nashville, Tennessee. God bless.

We're neighbors.

I don't actually live here. I'm here for work. I live in Asheville, North Carolina.

Oh, we love it there, too.

My other favorite place, as you might know. Erin and I are planning a motorcycle trip to Asheville.

Are you going to do the Blue Ridge Parkway, the Dragonsdale? Is that what they refer to it as? It's like the stretch?

Yeah, we're going to be based in Nashville and do rides every day out of it in different directions. I'm going to make them look at Looking Glass Fall and Sliding Rock and all the fun stuff.

Oh, fun.

Okay, so you have a ballet story.

Yes. Before I got into training and development, a lifetime ago, I worked in hotels. I used to live in Charleston, South Carolina. I went to college there. I managed the front desk at a hotel while I was in college. I ever saw anybody that you checked in at the front desk and the ballet team that we had for the hotel.

Can I guess that that's a super fun job? I'm so nosy, and I feel like I'd be getting a glimpse into all these people's lives, and I would really like it.

As an early 20-something, I think a really fun job because you're not taking things too seriously. I don't think they probably should have put me in charge.

Yeah, that's a lot of responsibility because a lot goes down in hotels.

Oh, absolutely. There's murder, there's suicide. It's everything.

A lot of chaos, especially Charleston, like party city in a lot of ways. So it was a great job. Super fun.

Sorry. I'm sorry. Hold on. Did you get an emergency call? Like someone destroyed the bathroom?

Not an emergency call. But we did have some Citadel cadets. The Citadel Academy is down there. We had them party a little too hard and really destroy a room. So we actually ended up calling their school to inform the commander, whoever it was above them, and they made them come back for a weekend and clean all of our rooms for us. Oh, that's cool. It worked out to our advantage in that way.

Yeah, if someone's going to trash your place, you pray it's cadets.

He was looking for a poop story, and it's okay that you don't have one.

I Personally, I'm sure they happened. I'm sure maintenance got some crazy calls. I feel fortunate I wasn't on the receiving end of this.

They shielded you from that, the underbelly. Okay, so I'm back up to speed.

As you can imagine, I wasn't the only college kid working there. Almost all of us were college-stage, Especially the valet drivers, pretty young guys. And eight-hour shifts, you're just trying to keep yourself entertained. How do you stay busy and enjoy yourself? So we had ongoing prank systems with each other and wanting to keep things going, but try and keep guests out of it. And I jump really easily. So you can just walk around a corner and I'm going to be like, I didn't see you coming. And so our valet drivers loved to make that the center. They would hide, unexpected places, really try to pop out and surprise me at any chance. They try to one up each other on finding the best place to do it. Hotel closets, one of them hid in one of the washing machines.

Oh, that's dangerous.

So they were really in it for the win. On Sundays, as I'm sure you can imagine, hotels are very busy with checkouts. Valet gets very busy. And also because it's a bunch of college kids, somebody usually calls out because they were partying over the weekend. And so during peak checkout, I would leave the front desk and go help bring cars around. Our lot was across the street. And on a particular Sunday, George, one of our valets, had really been thinking through what is a great way that I could get her.

Every female has this. This is their number one fear. I know.

Like, did it really think through from my perspective? No, what? What it The town of Agde in France is famous for sun, sand, sea, and sex.

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We had a system of who would go get cars. You knew someone else is getting this car, I'll get this one when they get back, so someone was always around. I was waiting for the next valet driver to come back before I went to get a car. During that time, another long term guest of ours had come up and started chatting with me, was upset about something, and it became obvious I was not going to be able to step away to go get this car that I had said I would pull around. And because I knew the guest whose car we were going to pull around, I decided, Hey, you can just go get your own car. I know you're in a rush. If you want to get it, he'd been staying there for a while. Give you the keys. Go get your own car. He says, Great. He goes across the street to go get his car. He goes to get in his car. And meanwhile, George has thought it would be a wonderful idea to hide in the back of an SUV where he could pop up and scare me. He really thought through, It needs to be a bigger car where I'll see her coming, but I'll have room to pop up.

He thought this was prime time, the best time. And so then obviously, he noticed it was not me getting into the car.

Oh, well, first of all, that's a blessing because I could see him going, seeing you at the curb and going, Oh, shit, it's happening. I got to get down and hide and totally miss that it wasn't even you.

I don't know that he saw it as a blessing. He panicked in the moment, didn't know what to do, and so he just kept hiding.

I actually think that's the right thing.

No, you got to get out before he gets to the car and you go, Oh, my God, I'm in your car. I'm so sorry.

It's all happening so fast.

It is your panic.

Because that guy is in a rush, so he just got in and drove.

But versus, let me just model out what could happen. You're in the back seat, the guy's driving. He takes a call. It's with a mistress. Now you're in the back seat like, Oh, my fucking God, I just learned something.

You can't pop up because he'll either murder you or get an accident. You have to wait till they get to their house and then you sneak out.

That's why I was arguing, initiate the departure before the guy starts getting in the car.

I know, I just don't think there was time.

There wasn't time.

Also, it's not like he could then open the back door and roll out action film style or something. He was trapped at that point. Yeah.

Oh, my God.

George hid for about two blocks before. I think it just occurred to him like, I'm going to have to get up. I have to do something I can't stay in this person's vehicle.

No, you have to get to the destination.

How old was this guest?

He's probably '40s or '50s.

Oh, thank God. It wasn't someone in jeopardy of a heart condition.

But he could have had a gun in the glove compartment. He can steal and carry.

Also, he could have been driving to Florida. When we say you got to wait till the destination, who knows where that is? Who do you say, Excuse me, sir? That's what George did. He just slowly raced his head over the back seat. I was like, Sorry, sir. And then immediately the guy slammed on his face. He's like, What the fuck? Screaming. And he's like, I'm from the hotel. I'm from the hotel. Because his first thought is, he's going to think I was trying to rob him.

Yes, of course.

And I got caught in the car, not that this was something else. So he starts screaming, I'm from the hotel. I'm from the hotel. I'm so sorry. Gets out of the car. The guest is screaming at him. I will give George credit. He came up with a pretty good backstory. Story. He didn't want to go prank-wise. He said, I'm so sorry. We have another guest whose birthday it is. And so we had told his wife that we would surprise him in the car, and then we were supposed to give him directions to meet her, and I got in the wrong car, and I just panicked when you got in.

This is an intricate lie.

I was like, In two blocks? You came up with a decent story, given the situation. My boss never found out about it. He didn't write bad reviews. We did comp the room and apologize. That's nice. I mean, what else are we going to do? There wasn't a really great way to get out of that.

That went without detection from your supervisors. They didn't even realize you guys had comped the room?

No. For something like that, it wasn't common that they would get into it. Somebody was upset about a stay. Because we pranked so often on each other, when they came back to the hotel in the same vehicle and the guests got out to tell me the story, it was a quick pickup of, yes, he was supposed to be surprising somebody. So then everyone jumped in and played along.

Wait, he drove him back?

Yes, he drove him back.

I want gentleman. That's nice.

I mean, it was nice, but he also wanted to come back and yell at me.

I wonder how that car ride went on the way back. He's just sitting in the back seat.

He started getting up front in the passenger seat. He was like, Stay back there. Oh, no. Wow, that is a really... That's hilarious. Talk about a bit gone bad.

That's hijinks. That's prank gone wrong. We've done that before.

It's a total hijinks.

I feel like that guest probably is a little bit scarred for life when he gets in his car. There's not a time I don't get in a car from a hotel valet that I don't look in the mirror thinking, Somebody hiding in my car.

And I I don't say the name of the actor, but there was an actor who had a weekend off from his television show, went to Joshua tree here in California in the desert, in an RV with friends, and did Shrooms All night, crawled back into the RV, went to sleep, woke up because he heard... He heard this... And he's like, Oh, my God, they already started driving home, but what are we driving on? And he got up he looked at the window and they were crossing the Golden Gate Bridge. He crawled into the wrong RV. No. Yes. Oh, my God. And woke up crossing the Golden Gate Bridge and had to, again, go, Excuse me. And then had to get himself from San Francisco with nothing. He was on Trooms the night before. I know the agent, this person called the agent collective. I was like, I'm in San Francisco.

Wait, is this person recognizable enough that the person driving was like, whoa?

I don't think so. No. Shit.

That is so funny and crazy. Wow. But that is 100% my nightmare, someone in my back seat.

Yeah. You would have maybe fucking crashed the car. That might be a blessing.

It was not a good call on his behalf, early '20s, but it worked out okay.

That's a great story, Anne. I really enjoyed it.

Thank you. It was the first time you guys had a prompt that I was like, Oh, I might have something this fits for.

You certainly do. That was great. It's abstract. It's like you didn't a valet, and you weren't a valet worker, and yet somehow it still all worked.

Yeah, that was great.

Well, lovely meeting you. Yeah. Thanks for taking time out of your work day in Nashville.

Thank you, guys. Enjoy Ashe.

I will. I recommend you eat at Bricktops tonight.

There is a Bricktops right across the street from our office.

I cannot recommend it enough. Get the doubled eggs and candy bacon if they have it. Okay.

I love some candy bacon.

Oh, it's the best I've ever had. Wonderful meeting you.

Bye. Bye. George and the other valets never saw that episode of Punky Brewster, where she, I think, is playing hide and seek, and she goes into either the bridge or the washing machine or something, and it ends bad.

That was one of the big moral panics of the '80s, is everyone thought kids were getting trapped in refrigerators.

They were. Punky was.

But what's crazy is I grew up, and my mother was always like, Don't. At some point, if I got older, I was like, A human can't get in this fucking... What are they talking about? Punky. No, there's no room in a refrigerator for a human to get in. I don't know why there's such a huge fear. I mean, I don't want to recommend anything. I'm pretty sure you could open it from the inside. If you can open it from the outside, it does not hold at all.

Do not try it.

I'm going to do it as a David Blaine thing. I'm going to put it on television. I'm going to get in a fridge and I'm going to walk right out. It's going to be like a two-seconds special. And I'm going to go, de-punt.

No, you should say, Da-punt. And then you're using-Oh, yeah.

You just got to punked.

Here's Monica.

Which Monica Will it be Monica Lewinsky?

Hello.

Hello. Not Monica Lewinsky.

Not Monica. And not Monica Padman? No.

No. And not Monica Geller, though, you do look like her. Courtney Cox.

Oh, Cee Cee. My mom's name is also Monica.

It is your second-generation Moni? Mm-hmm. They don't do that with women, right? You can't be a junior as a woman, or can you?

You could, but they don't.

It's in my family. My grandmother's name is Maria. My mom's eldest sister is Maria. So then Monica.

Do you have the same middle name as mom?

My mom does not have a middle name, and I have a middle name.

And are you a nurse?

Yes, I'm actually a nurse practitioner.

You're our favorite group of people on planet Earth. Yeah.

Nothing better. Monica's.

Monica's. And then, additionally, nurses are our favorite. Yes.

I do high-risk obstetrics, so high-risk pregnancies at a clinic.

Oh, wow. Amazing. Stressful. Stressful? Mm-hmm. Do you have a high arousal setting? Are you calm when shit hits the fan? Yes.

Good for you.

Do you have a wild childhood? Or are you just genetic Genetically that way?

I think, genetically, perhaps. I can be calm during stress, but then afterwards, I will relive it in panic.

Delayed panic.

How's the name working out for you? Are you happy with it?

I love it because I can use my mom's ID. Going into the American Airlines Club, don't tell American Airlines, but I can use her name and go in. It's worked out very well in my life. I love having the same name as my mom. That is a hack.

That is. That's good.

Okay, so you You have a valet story?

Yes, I do have a valet story. I'm curious if you guys have heard valet driver stories or people who have used the valet.

Great question because I had framed all this incorrectly. Our first caller, I'm like, Oh, they're going to tell me they worked as a valet. No, they had valeted their car. Then the second person was neither but was involved in a valet debacle. Where do you fall into this?

We used the valet service. It was a family vacation in 2014. My family, my mom, my dad, I'm the eldest. In I was 21. My middle brother was 19. Then my youngest brother, Michael, so there's all Ms, he was 16. We flew to Calgary, Canada. Then we were going to rent a car and drive the two hours west to Lake Louise, a town outside of Banff. Gorgeous, gorgeous. We landed in Calgary. We rented the car. It was a blue Chrysler. Dax, I'm sorry, that's all I know about the car. I'm not a big car person. We rented the car. My youngest brother, Michael, 16, he is our suitcase loader. So he had to load our five checked bags, three backpacks, and then two carry-ons. So he loads it into the trunk. We all drive on our merry way for two hours. Have a great week at Lake Louise. We're staying at the hotel right there. And so because they don't have a parking lot, you have to valet your car every time you come and go. So during the week, we would call from the hotel room. My dad would order the car so that it would be ready by the time we came down.

Your dad's so type A. The whole family is so type A. I already know this. It's like the coordination of the names, the call ahead. That's me. I don't You want to get down there and wait.

Wait in the room and we'll be ready. There's the blue minivan. The day comes for us to leave. We know it's a two-hour drive, and we have to arrive two hours at the airport before our flight. We have it all calculated. In the morning, we're all packing. My dad again calls the valet, Hey, let's get our blue minivan up, please. Okay, great. I'm the eldest. I walk down with my suitcases, followed by my brother, my other brother, and everybody eventually comes down. I had walked up, there's our car, doors are open, trunk is open. I'm like, Hey, valet guy, thanks so much for pulling up our car. This has been so great. You've been so great all week. He said, Oh, no problem. Do you guys have your little valet ticket? I was like, Oh, yeah, my dad has it. He'll be the last one down. He'll hand it to you. Perfect. I leave my suitcase by the trunk. Here comes my youngest brother, Michael, and of course, he's the loader. So there he goes working on loading everybody's suitcases into the trunk. We're all buckled. Michael's still working, poor guy. And he's taking a while and he's like, It's not fitting, you guys.

It's not fitting. We're like, Michael, you're so dumb. I'm just ratting on him because he's the youngest. Finally, my mom's like, We have to go. We have a two-hour drive. We have a flight. Michael, we just take one of the suitcases and we put it into the middle passage row. We're leaving the hotel and on the street, Michael from the back row, Hey, dad, why is the gas meter lower than when we turned in the car yesterday?

Oh, he is really- Michael, this family is on it.

They all have designated roles, and they're trustworthy because she was like, I'm going to leave it here. I would never a younger sibling to get my bag in a car, so I'd be like, Fuck it, I'm putting it in. I don't care what the roles are. Well, I didn't want to do it.

Yeah, that's annoying.

Okay. So my dad answers, Oh, it's at altitude, and we don't know where the valet parked the car. Maybe they ran some errands with the car. Sure, dad, whatever. Let's just go to the airport. We're driving against a two-hour drive, so we're about halfway there. Oh, no. I'm in the seat behind my dad, and he's driving. I look in the back seat pocket, I don't know why, and I pull out these sunglasses, and I'm like, Oh, all of a sudden, the suitcase is not fitting, the gas being different. I say, If these sunglasses do not belong to somebody in this car, We have the wrong car. Oh, my God. So my dad whips around, takes the sunglasses, puts them on his face. He's like, They're mine, they're mine, they're mine.

What?

And my mom looks at them, They're women's sunglasses. We're in the wrong car.

It's like a scene from a movie. We're in the wrong car.

It's so Home Alone.

It is.

The thing is your brain will be like, No, don't worry. They're definitely mine.

Was he sincere? I'm so confused. I'm all over the map on your dad because when he writes off the gas thing, I'm thinking, Well, that was his way of saying, I don't really trust that you monitored what the gas was. But now with this glasses thing, I'm recalculating what I think about the gas situation.

I don't know. No, I know.

He's just an optimist?

No.

As soon as it became clear, Oh, fuck, we might be in the wrong car. We can't be. Nope, that cannot be an option.

Denial.

The stages of grief.

Denial. Exactly. Okay.

We had a flight to catch. We were an hour away, both from the hotel and from the airport. Then in the car, we're all looking around for stuff. My mom, That's not my trash. What's that paper? My mom opens the glove box and pulls out the family's personal car insurance. It was a personal vehicle, not even a other rental car. It's just someone's real car.

If there was a bloody knife in the glove box- This is definitely the valet's fault. Well, he asked for the ticket.

It did come out that my dad never gave him the ticket. It was a Trust thing of we've been there for seven days. You've pulled up the same blue car. It's the family of five going to the same blue car?

Oh, no. See, this is what you think my knowledge of cars is extraneous and useless, but I would never end up in the wrong car. I'll give you that. That's about the only thing that's useful for, I suppose.

I think I would be sensitive enough to the smell, but not in a rental.

So what the fuck do you do?

So we pulled over, we called the hotel, and the hotel is freaking out because that family is livid that their personal vehicle is gone. Of course. The valet has no idea where it went. And they had ordered it the same way we had because they had an excursion to go to. So my dad and the valet talk. They agree, Let's meet back at this exit marker on Trans Canada Highway number one. Smart. We pull around, we start driving away from the airport. Now we're like, We're going to miss the flight. We're in the wrong car. We get to the mentioned exit number. We sit there and I sent an email of a photo of the car, our suitcases, and the beautiful Canadian background.

Oh, no. Oh, my God. Just all your shit on the street.

Your dad and the guy decided, Let's meet in the center of the fucking median.

I mean, literally.

Not in a car park.

So they brought our rental. We switched in the middle of the highway. When Michael went to load our suitcases into our car, he's like, Hey, it fits. Oh, Oh my God.

Oh, my God. If I was Michael, I'd be like, You fucking dumb dums. I told you so.

Yeah, you had a big, I told you so. Did your dad grease this valet like $100?

My dad is a very big tipper. Okay.

That's nice.

My dad never brought out the ticket either.

Yeah, but it is also their fault because they did bring out the wrong car.

No, they brought up those people called, too. Everyone called at the same time? Yes, it was just theirs hadn't arrived yet.

It was the exact same Same, make, model car, everything.

Now, my hunch is you still made the flight.

They actually delayed the flight for some reason, and we made it with that. Perfect.

That's really- That's perfect because you get a good story out of it, and then no one was in convenience.

The other family might have been fucked.

Can you imagine if another family was driving around your personal car?

No, I would be like, I want to meet the guy. Don't meet. Bring him back. I want to meet this son of a bitch. What'd you do to my car?

You'd be checking every single thing in the car when it got back.

Also, this van came back on- Where are my sunglasses. This van came on empty for sure because it was already low on fuel. All right.

Yeah, so that's how we stole a car from the valet. Well, lovely meeting you, Monica. It was so nice to meet you. Yes, likewise. This was fun.

I'm happy you're doing what you do. Keep at it. Thanks.

I will. All right.

Take care. Bye.

She's so cute. I love when Monica's are cute. Somehow I feel pride in that.

You should. Should I? Yeah. You'd like to think, if I met twelve other Daxes and they were all rad, I'd be like, Oh, good.

I know, but that has nothing to do with it.

It doesn't. But you go, Oh, there's a pattern here, and presumably, I'm part of it. I hope.

Oh, I see. It's like, If monikas are cute, then I got to be cute.

If they don't make uncute monikas, that just makes me think of how bad I feel for everyone named Karen. Don't you? I do. It's unfair that your whole name was now used as a pejorative, that I myself have used on people.

I know. That's why you feel guilty because you've used it. I actually don't use it because I forget about it.

We're trying to think what the male equivalent is. Is it a Chad?

We said Chad.

Yeah, that's what we said. That's what you said.

I said Chad. The thing is, though, now, if you name your kid Karen, I'm like, Guys, don't.

There's no way anyone has named their kid. In fact, that would be a fun stat to look up. I bet there's been zero Karen's born.

There's 100 % definitely some Karen's born.

Well, we got some time to kill them. Okay, check.

Yeah, let's see what AI I think some people want to push back on that, so they're going to-Reclaim. .

Has the rate of naming babies Karen fallen in recent years as a result of the popular term Karen to describe a terrible woman.

It's definitely fallen.

Maybe it'll give me some actual stats, though. You're absolutely right to connect the drop use of the name Karen. It's popular culture decline, but there's more to the story. Why? I like that. Intriguing. The historical decline of Karen. Peek popularity, 1950s and '60s. The name Karen was a top 10 favorite in the US between 1951 and 1968, reaching its highest point as the third most popular girls' name in 1965. Steady decline began before the meme. Karen had already been falling out of fashion through the late 20th century. By 2020, it had plunged to rank 831 in the SSA list, the lowest since 1927. The meme effect, from name to punchline. These are so well written. They are. Mimetic backlash intensifies drop. In 2020, the term Karen became a worldwide meme, symbolizing an entitled, demanding, and somewhat racist middle-aged white woman. Example, the Central Park Karen incident. Sharp declines in usage. That year, the name fell 171 spots on the SSA's popularity list from 660 to 831 in a single a year. 439 baby girls were named Karen in 2019. That dropped to 325 in 2020. Okay. Articles all attribute the sharp decline to meme-based negativity.

Well, so already by five and a half years ago, it had hit 3: 25.

Okay, but that's not what the debate was. I said none. Yep. And my point is, some people out there are still doing this.

Some poor kid whose parents are so unaware of pop culture.

No, you You wish. What do you think it is? Pushback.

I don't even think a Karen is proud of being a Karen. When you're a Karen, you don't think you're a Karen.

No, I know exactly the thought. Exactly. It's an anti-woke. They think we're racist, then let's show them.

But I think people on the right use Karen, too. I don't really think it's so instricably linked to racism. Andrew, do you have an opinion?

Dax, I didn't hear you on that one. What's going on?

We're talking about the name Karen. And first of all, so sad if you were named Karen, and then this meme happens. But furthermore, does anybody name their kid Karen anymore? We then looked it up while we were waiting for you, and we're down to 325 kids were named Karen in 2020. I had said, I bet nobody, Monica said.

I said, Some people still are. As a pushback. My reasoning is that I think some people are like, You guys are annoying, calling racism Karen, so I'm going to double down. I think some people want to double down.

Where do you land in this debate?

They really created a brand with the haircut.

I will say to some evidence, the stock of American Eagle has- Oh, it's a very successful campaign. Exactly. My point is, just there's some doubling down. That happens, and that's fine.

Where are you at, Andrew?

I am in Maryland, about 40 minutes north of Baltimore.

Oh, Okay. Do you realize how blessed you are with your hair? Your beard is phenomenal, and your hair is so thick and black. I'm very envious of the whole setup.

Hearing that from you means a lot to me, so thank you.

Okay, great. Andrew, you have a ballet story. Did it take place in Maryland?

Yes, it did. It was right in Baltimore, right in the city near Johns Hopkins University, actually.

Oh, we love Johns Hopkins. I hate the name, but we love the institution.

Great institution.

We need to dump that S. I know. I'm fine with it.

I know. Only you are the one with the issues.

Do you like that we've got Johns Hopkins that we have two plurals?

No, I actually used to do an announcing for D3 Soccer, and they used to play Johns Hopkins. And I said, John Hopkins over the intercom, and my boss screamed at me.

People are very sensitive to it.

I'm a proponent of dropping one of them.

Okay, so hit us with the ballet story.

All right. So it's a few years ago. It was about four years in, in me, ballet. And I work in an Italian restaurant. It's this old textile mill from the 1800s that they repurposed. So with that textile mill, they turned it into really nice apartment. They've got business in there. And then they also have the restaurants. The restaurant's in the Boiler Room next to the Jones Falls River. Beautiful place.

This sounds awesome. Nothing could be better than Italian food in a brick warehouse, a sedge.

It's fantastic. It looks exactly probably what you're imagining. And five o'clock shift started up. Of course, happy hour comes through. I grab their keys, give them the claim check. They go ahead and they walk into the restaurant. From about five to seven, somewhat steady, but then around seven o'clock, of course, the dinner rush comes. So we start to get more and more cars coming in. And This lady drives down in a Prius, and she starts coming down slowly. Of course, you can barely hear the car because it's a Prius. She stops the car. I'll put it that way. She stops the car. We do the whole little, Hi, welcome. Here's your claim check. Give me your keys. And I go ahead and let her walk into the restaurant. So I stayed Surecar there. There's a few more cars coming in, but I noticed the 5: 00 PM people were coming out. When they came out, they gave me their claim check, said, Hey, how is everything? I turned around to go grab the keys out of the booth, and all of a sudden, these people start running past me. I'm like, What's going on? It was so weird.

It's like a group of four people. All of a sudden, I look up and I see the Prius coming right at the restaurant with the ballet booth myself in between. To ask your car guy, Prius is. They'll idol, and they'll just sit for a little while. But then eventually, they're going to start get that momentum on a downhill. It wasn't crazy aggressive, but it was enough to get some momentum going.

So it just wasn't in park.

She hopped out a little prematurely.

Understandably, it's out of her routine. She likes to ballet. I get it.

That's nice. Very understanding. Really you.

All of a sudden, that car barreling down the hill. It goes over maybe a two-foot stonewall. The light was probably about four or five feet tall, pretty thick. It took that thing right out, and the Prius is coming towards me, and I just stepped in front of it and put my hands out.

Oh, you thought you could stop it.

Luckily, it was a Prius, not a Chevy Bolt, and it was all right. I stopped it.

You stopped it? So these other obstacles did scrub some of its speed and momentum. I'll admit that, yes. Yes. Okay, great. Did you feel like a superhero? That's very superhero-esque.

It felt pretty cool. I got a few shift drinks for that.

Wow, you really put yourself in harm's way. I mean, I could imagine you putting your hands out and they're just getting run right over.

Flattened like a pancake.

Luckily, I did not. I lived it to tell the tale.

Did someone have to run then and jump in the car and put it in park? Because you're probably holding it from going any further.

Of course, that lady was like, Oh, what's going on? And she runs and goes ahead and presses park or turned it off. I don't know what she did.

Not the most trustworthy person to put it in park, given what had just happened.

But if she accelerates.

She just did it and punches it. Help. Goes into the boiler room, three flights down. What was her... I would kill myself. I mean, that's the ultimate level of embarrassment. Oh my God. If I lost control of my vehicle like that in front of everybody, and I just fucked up everything in front. I mean, it would be so hard for me. How she take it?

She was very embarrassed, of course, but it's not like she went and jumped in the river. But she was really sorry about it, really embarrassed.

Did someone have to back it now over this wall she had come creaning through?

Yes, I took care of that.

Oh, what a hero.

She was like, I'm just going to go back in and eat now.

Did she continue on and eat?

She went right in the restaurant. She ate her dinner.

I bet she was on a first or second date because she was nervous. So that's why she got out of the car. She was like, I'm stressed.

That's the generous. I thought maybe she was going to have an unauthorized evacuation, jumped out of the car in a panic, and then now that is on her plate. Did she tip you exorbitantly when you brought the car back around?

I'll say it was above the normal tip. Double.

Okay. No. If someone catches your car from rolling into a restaurant, it's time for a hundred.

She might not have any money because she was on a date with someone and she just spent it on the date. They went Dutch.

Yeah, because she was so nervous it was a bad date. And he's like, Let's split this. I have a handful of these jobs that I think are dream jobs for me. Valet being one of them. I love driving cars. I love driving different cars. I feel like I could be charming in a way that I might garner a good tip. Did you love it? And is it a great job as I think it is?

I really did. So I was in college. Even when I'd get tired of it a little bit, I'd be like, You know what? I get paid to exercise and drive luxury cars. Really not that bad when you frame it that way.

You make pretty good money.

It was good for being a college kid. I got my money and all that stuff.

Yeah, I imagine you could be up in the $35 an hour situation when you factor in those tips.

I would say, but then again, it's just like where they can make your wage like $3, and then the tips make up the difference.

Right. You're working for free. That's annoying. Yeah. Well, so often the valet is not even associated with the restaurant, right? They just have the contract to do all the parking. That's what we were, actually. We have some photos. Am I allowed to look at them? Absolutely. Well, this is just a gorgeous M3, M4.

So that was an M4. Was that the Alpina, I think?

It's gorgeous.

Are these just pictures of cars you like?

No, those are the cars I valet.

See, that's what I'm talking about, Monica. Yeah, it's nice. A GT2 RS. Oh, Look at that. That's a $500,000 Porsche. And then a Ferrari Modena.

Oh, fuck. Aren't you scared driving these? I'd be scared.

So that was the second Ferrari I drove. The first one, the guy rolls in and he's like, You want to drive this thing? I was like, Yeah, I know how to drive that thing. It has four wheels and a steering wheel, right?

I wouldn't even be able to drive your cars from one side of this driveway to the other. You'd be too panicked.

Oh, yes. This is exactly what I thought it would be the job. Also, we're getting a taste of The brick. The environment. I got to go here. Yeah, that looks really nice. How old was this textile factory?

I don't have the exact year, but I'd say early to mid-1800s.

Fuck.

Wow, cool.

So cool. Yeah, the bricks aren't even uniform.

I like it.

I love it. Well, Andrew, it's a delight to meet you. Yeah, that was fun. What a hero. You're a real hero that you caught this Prius before anyone was injured.

I appreciate that.

What color of Prius was it?

Silver gray. Prius color.

No? I think they only come-Mine's a white.

Oh, you had a white. But you also had the weird hatchback you wanted.

Yeah, I had a Prius C.

C.

You would have definitely been able to stop it because it was tiny.

You could have just picked it up, lifted it back on the street. Just squatted it away. Well, lovely meeting you. Thank you so much for telling us that story.

It was great to meet you as well. I believe I may have sent a video in.

Oh, my God.

If that was in there. I don't have a video. Rob doesn't have a video. What's in the video?

We'll check in with Emma and we'll look at it later.

But what is it? It is the video of the car coming towards the restaurant. Oh, shit.

There's fucking A video of it?

Do you mind if we post that?

That's not a problem at all.

Oh, that's not a problem at all. Then we can do that for our social. That'll be great. That'll be great. I look forward to seeing this video. Me too. All right. Well, take care, brother. Nice meeting you. Bye.

Valets, things can go awry. Valets are heroes.

Heroes. Not all heroes wear capes. Some of them wear valet vests. Next time on Armchair Anonymous.

Love you. Love you.

Do you want to sing a tune or something?

We know a theme song.

Okay, great. We don't have a theme song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're going to ask some random questions, and with the help of our cherries, we'll get some suggestions. On the fly, I rindish, on the fly, I rindish. Enjoy. Follow Armchair Expert on the WNDRI app, Amazon Music, or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to every episode of Armchair Expert early and ad-free right now by joining WNDRI Plus in the WNDRI app or on Apple podcast. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at wndri. Com/survey.