Transcript of Armchair Anonymous: Holiday Nightmare III

Wndri Plus subscribers can listen to Armchair Expert early and ad-free right now. Join WNDRI Plus in the WNDRI app or on Apple podcast, or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcast. Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dan Sheppard, and I'm George by George Rajbajj. It's me. Today, we have...

Holiday Nightmare Part 3.

See how I did both of them?

Yeah, that was cool.

Good mesh. You guys, happy holidays. Happy holidays.

They're upon us and they're so fun. Happy holidays. Actually, this is our last episode of the year, our last new episode of the year. We hope you enjoy it. You get in the spirit. What a year.

Year seven. Year seven, you're supposed to get itchy, but we didn't get itchy. I just itched. Oh, then it worked. You're not supposed to get Brad Pitt, Year seven. You're supposed to get itchy. And bored.

Oh, the seven-year scratch.

The seven-year itch. The seven-year itch. The seven-year itch. Scratchy, scratchy. Please enjoy holiday Nightmires Part 3. All times, come and go. Good times, take them slow.

My life, I had them both. But for one thing, you got to know, I'm going to keep them shiny.

Hi. Hi, guys.

Can you hear us? Yes, I can. Can you hear me? Absolutely.

Your hair looks so pretty.

It feels like your hair's very on brand for someone named Bella.

That's really kind. Thank you. I had to blow it out for today. I went off my routine, but I was like, Today's a big day.

What's your normal routine? Do we put it in braids the night before and hope for pearls in the morning?

So my hair is naturally super curly, so I usually blow it out on Saturdays and then wash once It's time a week.

Same.

Bella, what's wrong with all of us? Because my children have pin straight hair, and they braid it every night when it's wet, so they'll have pearls in the morning. And everyone with pearls is trying to straighten their hair. What is wrong with us?

I know.

The grass is always greener.

It really is.

It's always greener.

I've learned over time, I just air dry and I just go.

You want your hair, right?

I'm happy with my hair. Yeah, you should. One of the only things I got, you got to embrace what you got.

Hold on. I bet we could make a list right now. Well, we are not doing that. Bella, let's make a list. No way. Where are you?

I am in New York City, but I'm originally from Texas, so that is where my story takes place.

Where in Texas?

It's a suburb outside of Dallas called Plano. Oh, Plano.

Oh, I know Plano. Yeah. I went to either a Total Wine or a Sprouts on Aaron and I's bus tour in Plano.

I love Sprouts.

It's so fun. My mom loves Sprouts.

Okay, so tell us what year and we're in Plano, Texas for this story?

Yes, this was about 12 years ago. I had to consult my mom for some details. But basically, my family is big on holidays. My mom loves to host. She is a great host, and she is one of seven kids. Each of her siblings married, they have kids, and then some of those kids have kids. So it's just a full house.

It was an explosion. And can we do some stereotypes now? I would like to play in Stereotypes for one second. I think when people have a stereotype about Texas, I think what they're really thinking about is Dallas. I think there is a fun stereotype about Dallas.

Well, higher the hair, the closer to God.

That vibe in a great host. This all feels very in keeping.

My sister and I are both quite tall, and my mom, without a doubt, says to everyone, We grow them big in Texas. There's just all the stereotypes.

American by birth Texas Texan by the Grace of God.

Yeah. So they're super proud Texans, which is fun to have them visit me in New York City. But they love it. It was Christmas Day afternoon. We all finished eating. The guys are all watching football. My cousins and I are upstairs playing rock band.

How old are you, 13 years ago? I would have been 16.

Probably too old for rock band at that point. Rock band is so fun. Rock band is so fun. We hear this loud bang on the front door, and immediately Immediately following the bang comes the stray dog that runs right into our house. My family, we are not ones to remain calm. We are alarmists, and we overreact.

Okay, great.

Immediately, my mom is panicked. We have several elderly people, and my three uncles decide they're going to handle it.

Sure. That's their duty. They got the whole day off to watch football. They got to be lazy, but now there's someone who's protecting. So you're finally up. Is it Christmas football? The lions play every year on Christmas.

Somehow there's always a game on on holidays. So my uncles are trying to corral this dog out, and they finally get it to the front porch. And I guess the rationale is that they're nervous about the dog not leaving the property while people are trying to get to their car. I honestly can't explain why this next part happened, but Uncle Bob decides that he is going to pepper spray above the dog. Above it. Above. All right. To mainly pepper pepper spray.

And Uncle Bob has pepper spray at Christmas.

Somehow, yes. We're all very protected. It's Texas. We're all a little on guard. He is going to pepper spray above the dog. It'll smell it and run away.

Oh. This is an insane plan, as if he's tried this before.

And I wish somebody had consulted him. I wish he had thought it through a little bit more. But he sprays the pepper spray, and immediately it blows right back into his face. Yeah. He's on the front porch. He runs inside, leaving the door He's screaming, My eyes, my eyes. My mom is at the sink washing dishes. He pushes her out of the way, starts rinsing out his eyes, while immediately all of the pepper spray blew back into our house. Now everyone can feel it. It is burning your eyes. It's burning your throat. One of our great ideas is go upstairs and open up all the windows. Well, that created some suction effect and got it everywhere. We are shuffling people out to the back door.

Hold on. This is the stupidest event to have happened on Christmas. There's pepper spray in the house now?

We are all out in the backyard. Parents can't find their toddlers. Grandparents are coughing and wheezing. Then some of my cousins were pregnant. They're throwing up. Oh, God. The dog is inside happy, constantly running around still.

The dog reentered.

The dog reentered. The pepper spray.

He's completely fine. It didn't feel a thing loving it. It was just a Christmas to remember. Eventually, when everyone calmed down, they lured the dog out with some food, took it to a shelter. It was fine. But in the meantime, we're like, That was a fun time to be pepper sprayed by Uncle Bob at Christmas.

Uncle Bob must have really unloaded. What he promised was a little gentle spray above the head, but he must have got trigger happy with it.

It lasted for several days. No. We could not get the smell out.

Where is Uncle Bob in the birth order? Is he the oldest?

He's actually my mom's oldest sister's husband.

Oh, shit. So he's not even by blood. So the rest of the dudes are like, oh, fuck. So everyone's like, Bob. Why'd she marry Bob? We've been saying this since they met.

I mean, he thought he was taking control.

He was trying to help. This family is going to be so grateful I joined it once I deal with this dog situation. I know.

They're always thinking I'm silly.

Also, the notion that we need to get out of the yard now. And then what? Get it out of the neighborhood? Where does it stop? Get it out of the house and shut the door. Maybe throw the deadbolt, go back to the game, have a couple of lone stars, and call it a Christmas.

Because eventually, that dog is going to leave.

Yeah, he's going to go to someone else's house and try to get some of that holiday ham. Yeah.

There were a lot of different options. Pepper spray should not have been on the roster.

Your tradition is, I'm going to ask everyone here, ours was always Christmas Eve is when you get together with your family, and then Christmas Day was just for your immediate Oh, interesting. You did Christmas Day Mom Would Host?

We did my dad's family on Christmas Eve, and then my mom's family on Christmas Day. But I also have a couple sets of stepparents, so I've got lots of Christmas days. That's fun.

You get to run around.

Hence the movie Four Christmases. Yes. Easter egg.

Easter egg. Although by this, it will be out. Okay. So- Okay.

A spoiled egg. Cracked egg. Rotten egg. Bella, your family sounds It's fun. I want to attend.

She would fit right in. Both of you guys. They would be obsessed.

Well, Bella, delightful meeting you. Yeah. Nice to meet you.

Thank you guys so much for having me. My roommate is right by me. Can she say hi?

Of course. Absolutely. She's lurking behind you like a killer. Hi. Hi.

It's so nice to meet you guys.

What is your name? My name is Emma. Emma. We have an Emma in New York.

That's right.

Did you all meet in Texas or in New York?

We Actually, we met studying abroad together.

Where were you studying?

We were in Italy, so we were both teaching English over there. Then we were both teachers, and now we both work in finance, which is hilarious.

Look at you. I know, just attached with the hip.

You're so lucky. Yeah.

How fun. I'm so jealous.

I'm jealous, too. It makes me mad. Erin never had any of the same career aspirations as me. If I could have done all that stuff with Erin.

Yeah, but now you're doing Ted Sears with Erin.

Now we're retired together. Yeah. All right. Well, lovely meeting you, gals.

Thank you guys so much.

So nice to meet you. Have a good rest of your day.

Okay, take care. Doing these episodes makes me very excited for the holidays. Me, too. What happens at the Padman's on Christmas?

Christmas Day.

Eve and Day.

We don't have Eve traditions. Lame. Okay, but we're Indian. So the fact that we even do Christmas at all is a big deal. Yeah, that's true. They've gone out of their way.

And if they come to love it, love it. Well, your mother grew up with it, probably.

Well, I I don't know when they started, but I think they half did it.

But then when- When you arrived, of course, they had to go full bore. But did it infect them? And it can't be a hard holiday to start loving.

No, I think my mom likes it. I like it the most.

And the whole family more than Neil?

Yeah.

What's wrong with Neil?

Actually, we've had this conversation. Is he a baham bah? No, but he was saying last year, the year before, he was like, I just don't like Christmas as much as I used to. He was sad by- That's because he's not a little boy anymore. I No, and I think he was sad about that.

Once he has kids, he'll get back. Yeah, exactly. How does he feel about Halloween? He must hate Halloween because there's really nothing there for an adult. No kidding.

Halloween's actually great for adults because you go to parties and you like- Everyone dresses sexy because you're drunk and there's mistakes. Yeah, and you drink stuff.

Hello. What fake name would you like?

Whatever you feel so inclined.

Sasha.

Wow. Okay, great. Is this real?

No, you're dreaming. It is not. Someone's going to shake you awake and they're going to go, Sasha, you've peed your pants.

That It feels a lot more likely and realistic than this happening.

If you wake up and you peed your pants, you might have had a seizure. So I would go to the doctor. This is a cautionary tale, okay? Go to the doctor and have it checked out.

Go to the doctor. Even maybe go before.

Go before you peed your pants.

Should I go right now? Yeah.

You say, My friend Monica is pretty concerned I have epilepsy, based on the fact that I thought that this conversation we had might be a dream. That's right. Where are you?

I knew you were going to ask that question. To answer it, I wore this for Monica. I don't know if she can see, but I just wanted to say, go Valls. I've been dying to say that.

What are the Valls?

Tennessee.

Dax, I am also deeply, spiritually offended every time you say Roll Tide.

Oh, you are. Thank you. At least, we can agree on that.

Well, let's all agree that I'm making very few friends because that's only like, I don't know what percentage of all colleges that exist. So I'm alienating everyone. But the reason I think no one should be offended is I didn't even go there, and I actually don't care if they win or lose.

That's why we're offended.

We care so much.

Yeah. It's like you don't even know, and you're just throwing out these horrible, horrible remarks.

Mom and dad, mom and mom, dad and dad, whatever, parents.

Are you about to spend five hours in the car with your beloved kids this holiday season driving old granny's house? I'm setting a scene, I'm picturing screaming, fighting, back to back hours of the K-pop Demon Hunter soundtrack on repeat. Well, when your ears start to bleed, I have the perfect thing to keep you from rolling out of that moving vehicle, something for the whole family. He's filled with laughs, he's filled with rage, the O. G. Green Gromp. Give it up for me, James Austin Johnson as The Grinch. And like any insufferable influencer these days, I'm bringing my crew of lesser talented friends along for the ride with A-list guests like Gromp, Mark Hamel, and the Jonas Brothers, whoever they are. There's a little bit of something for everyone. Listen to Tis the Grinch holiday podcast wherever you get your podcasts.

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The Overtime, did you watch? It was a few weeks ago.

I didn't watch, but I did hear.

It was insane.

Who won? Who won?

Georgia in Overtime.

It was like barely.

The Valls University of Tennessee? Yes. Okay. I watched a couple of games. I guess I didn't realize they were the Valls. But now that I'm a Nashville native, I did watch a couple. Volunteers. Because that's the state motto. That's right. The Volunteers State.

Second to that, my last regional reference was, I was just listening earlier this week, and I could not believe I heard you say that Dollywood is your new favorite theme part.

Absolutely. Have you been?

A thousand and 68 billion times.

What could possibly be your issue with Dollywood?

I mean, banjos, Southern tourists that are upset. I just don't- You don't like the vibe?

No. Let me ask you this. Do you like the Smoky Mountains? Do you think they're pretty?

I do think they're pretty.

The food is the best food I've ever had in a In an amusement park.

In an amusement park. So we know it is.

An amusement park.

Yeah. Were you just upset that he was so quick to give up on his lifelong- Yes.

This comes up a lot. I will not prioritize loyalty over the truth.

I'm loyal to a fault.

Even at the expense of the truth?

You are that for some things. If your kids are doing something, if they're going to kill someone, you're loyal to them.

My kids, yeah.

And you should treat amusement parks the same.

I should treat Amusement Parks the same.

With the same respect. Okay.

I'll have to think on that one. But anyways, Bottomless Pot Roast and Bottomless Fried Chicken, that's actually delicious fried chicken.

What about the cinnamon bread? That's the Dollywood Claim to Fame. Have you had? Or your gluten?

I can't fuck with it. I didn't even have that, and I still loved it. But here's my question to you. If you don't hate the Smoky Mountains and you don't hate beautiful wooden roller coasters that are world-class and some of the biggest on the planet, you know.

What's your favorite amusement? Yeah.

How about that? Let's start there.

Six Flags Over Georgia.

I do love that Yeah.

Hell, yeah. You know what? Okay, Sasha.

Hook them. Okay? Hook them, Barnes.

No, no, no.

That's the real you, T. Hook them.

You're not allowed to say that.

You have a house in that. I'm just making enemies everywhere I can. Okay, so you have a holiday nightmare story.

Let's get into your story?

This takes place 2013, '14. I am 19, 2021. New boyfriend. Timeline is a little iffy on some of these details, but we might have even been engaged. We went from dating to engaged in three months.

At 19?

I mean, I'm from Tennessee, Dax.

Yeah, but I will say it does call into question your overall judgment when it comes to Dollywood. No, it does. I'm just saying. No, it does.

That has nothing to do with that. That has nothing to do with your Dollywood opinion.

No, not relevant at all.

Disagree. Okay, so you're 19 and you're engaged.

That's the reason I'm also using a fake name is because as this story develops, these details would not fare well with the Southern crowd. But either way, at New Partners' Family's house, it was Christmas. They are just a fun crowd, very opposite of how I grew up, conservative, no one drank, no one cursed.

Your family or his?

Mine. I could not say fart growing up.

Sure. I see why you don't like Dollywood.

That's very Southern. I get it. Did you have to say toot?

Flatulence? No, toot. Did someone flatulence?

If we did, even on accident or a burp, my dad was, Did you just do that? I mean, he was so upset.

His family's a good time.

They are the best time. Everything is alcohol. Everything is big parties. It doesn't matter the occasion. I was a little nervous trying to be cool and fit into this new family and hope they like me and all those things. But we get inside. Drinks start flowing pretty quickly. I partake as does he. His family, also a fun detail to note, is huge on spades.

I like them already.

I like that. Yes.

They're teaching me how to play spades. It's a hard game to learn, too. And getting in and learning while drinking. Yes, at 19.

Yeah, that's tough.

I don't know about you all, but there are two modes I go into in drinking. Number one is everyone is my best friend. I love you so much. Here's my whole life story. What's your ace's score? Here we go. Then number two is, are we fucking?

Okay, yeah. Okay, fun. Yeah, it's wonderful.

Those are adjacent, really friendly.

Let's connect.

Yeah, so we're both drinking. We give each other a look. I don't know why, but we say, Okay, we'll go to the car. We go outside.

Is it light or dark Dark.

His car is the first one parked in the driveway to the side of the house, almost nose-touching the side of the house. Just fun detail. It was a Volkswagen Rabbit. We get into the car. He gets in the driver's seat.

You mount him. Correct. Are you wearing a dress or do you got to remove pants?

I knew you were going to ask me, and I was going to give you a disclaimer that I'm not going to have all the answers to all the details. Sure. Combination of time that has passed and intoxication level. I don't remember. I couldn't tell you to save my life.

If you get caught Not pulling a skirt down is a lot easier than, Where are my pants? They were inside out because I was in a hurry.

You could have told me it was two minutes or it was 25. I have no recollection of how long we're going about this good time. Next thing I know, motion light comes on and he just yeets me off of him. I mean, pushes me off and gets out of the car in 0. 2 seconds flat.

Chucks you into the passenger seat and he's exiting the vehicle.

Yes, he's exited the vehicle.

He is erect. He either He had to pull his pants up with an erection, which is rough, or he's just out there with an erection.

Two things probably were in his favor, the shock, being scared. Then also it was so cold outside. Maybe that was helpful. All right. My left foot, my ankle, had somehow gotten stuck under the emergency break that was down. Oh, yeah. When he pushes me off, the top half, like, torso up, tries to follow the momentum and twist over into the seat, but the ankle and the foot is going. It's 100% stuck. The next thing I know that I do also remember pretty clearly is just screaming out in pain. That hurts so… I mean, it twisted my ankle all the way around. He is 6'2, 250. I'm 5'1 him just screaming. Then his uncle is like, Is that you? And is coming over. That's who set the motion light off. His uncle had come outside. His uncle carries me this inside.

Okay, you have your arms outlined as if you're a baby. A baby. Yeah. Cradle. It's like you carry a 50-pound bag of dog food.

Yes. He carries me inside because I cannot walk on that ankle, on that foot at all. I mean, it is so down for the count. I remember him carrying me into the house, sitting me down on the couch. I'm still crying. Everyone has now come to the living room. Luckily, his mom and his aunt are nurses, so they come and they help and put some ice.

Does anyone ask you how you've hurt your ankle? Yes.

An uncle sells me out in two seconds to the whole crowd.

She was He's riding Billy in the front seat of the foreign car. Oh, he says that to everyone?

Yes, he does. That, to me, my 19-year-old Southern... I mean, I'm mortified.

But they love it. This is exactly what 19-year-olds should be doing at Christmas, and they know it.

Yeah, they're the one giving me drinks and making me lemon drops.

Teaching you spades? I mean, they're getting you ready for a life of good times.

I wonder if they're like, I just hope they use protection.

They're not even worried.

That calms down, settles down. They laugh. They think it's awesome. I decide at some point to rejoin the spades table. I'm very, very drunk. I remember, clear as day, I have my cards. They've dealt me my hand, and I turned to his aunt and I say, Am I the red team or the black team?

Oh, shit. All right. For the listener, that's not how you plan. It's nothing to do.

No, it has absolutely nothing to do with the game.

Not at all. Not at all. Yes, Again, his mom, who was a nurse, had crutches already at the house. She wrapped it, gave me crutsches. I was grateful to avoid an embarrassing doctor urgent care trip. The funniest part, too, is that, I think that was a Saturday, the next day, my dad had invited us, myself, boyfriend, I think his mom and sister, to the Christmas play at our church. Oh, boy. I get to hobble into the church with my sex injury.

They're all hungover. They're like, Oh, fuck this.

I don't remember what I told dad, but It definitely wasn't I was banging in the driveway at the Christmas party.

Good thing the uncle wasn't invited to the play.

Because he would have blasted you. Yeah. You should have seen her. I saw everything. They were in a rabbit, but there was only one rabbit in that vehicle. It was your daughter.

What happened? Did you confront the boyfriend? Where'd you go?

Did he ever resurface? Did we ever see him again? When did he resurface?

Inside is when I remember him coming back into the memory in the picture. He's playing spades. He's in the party.

Yeah, that's the only thing that doesn't track about this story is that Billy's from this family. Why is he... If that scenario happened at my house, I wouldn't have cared at all because my mom didn't care. I'm from that family. So I went and ran.

He got spoofed.

He has another uncle who Honestly, if he would have come out, they probably would have fist bumped or something. This was not that uncle. He was still very cool about it and funny and wonderful, but not as close. So honestly, I don't even fault him. It was probably so fight or flight.

He thought, I'm going to disappear My uncle's going to think she's in the car by herself. I'm going to reenter the back of the house and pretend that she was just out there in the car.

She was just checking for her wallet.

That's what happened.

I just wish she hadn't chucked her across the car.

Desperate times, desperate measures.

He wasn't abusive, though, right? No. No. No. No. No. The blood is not even in the brain at that point. That's exactly right. I love this story. It's as messy as it gets. I miss it. I'm having a little bit of sadness. You are? Yeah, those were fun times. That reminds me of holidays at Aaron's Ant's house. It was just a mess. It was a big old mess. It was so fun. Cards and drinking and smoking.

Always. There was one Christmas party, same family, same host. We made matching outfits, and I made his shirt, and it said, Do you want to ride my sleigh tonight? And we put antlers and a red nose where the belt would go with his outfit. We're fun.

It's the family where there's a fire about every third Christmas party. There's a fire at some point in the house.

An injury, a fire. Yeah, 100 %.

That is fun. Well, Sasha, this was a party. Thank you. Yeah, thanks. A really good time.

Shout out to Olivia. We saw you twice in Chicago together. You did? Said boyfriend husband was in the military, so we were stationed in Chicago when you all were there.

The Christmas show, right?

And my parents were there.

Yes, the Padmans were in attendance.

Yeah, they were there for that one.

This is how you know that we are next level obsessed. She's the only person I told about this because I was convinced when I got the email from Emma, I'm like, This is spam. This is a scam.

This is fake. Someone's going to ask you for $11 or something.

Yes. I only told her. I said it was today. She texted me this morning and she said, This is the day our lives change forever. That's so sweet.

Well, enjoy your new lives, ladies. I hope they find their way back to a late model rabbit in the parking lot on Christmas Day, because don't let go of those times too quickly.

Yeah, they're fun.

Thank you all so much. This was the time of my life.

Lovely meeting you. You, too.

Bye. Bye.

Remember in a couple of episodes ago when we thought that girl was telling us that her grandma died?

Died, yeah. I laughed last night thinking about it. Oh, so great. I pop back in my- Your grandmother didn't make it. Hi. Hi.

Now, listen, you're big A little A, R, O, N?

No. Okay, so A, A, Ron is running incredibly late from work.

I'm his wife, Grie. Oh.

Oh.

Yeah, so he's really sad, but he's in the car right now.

Okay. Tell him not to crash on the way home.

Yeah, take it. He's on 85 coming in from Atlanta.

Oh, good luck.

No. And it's Friday. You understand.

No, absolutely not. No. We were not going to talk to him until 07: 00 PM.

Seriously? Last time I got home, Friday. I No. It made you not- Two hours. I was like, I'm not going home ever again.

It's what stopped you from calling Atlanta home and started calling LA. That was the exact moment where you said LA. You know how fucking shitty your traffic is if LA's traffic is preferable?

Exactly. I know.

It's shameful. All right, so Rob will do some magic and we'll communicate. I'm going to put you back in the waiting room.

Sounds good.

Oh, my God. He'll be so happy. Thank you guys so much. All right. Oh, and I got to meet you guys.

Bye.

How fun an Aaron and a Bre.

That's so sad. That was the last episode Mom's car, Aaron and Bre.

Exactly.

Fucking Sim is lazy. You didn't really have those Christmas parties, did you?

Yeah.

Messy?

Not at my parents.

Not at people's parents house?

Yeah, not at Christmas. I guess.

Yeah, it's a sacred holiday, even for the Indians. It looks like Aaron's back, if you want to take it. Okay. Now I get to say it. What's your stress level, Aaron? What's your heart rate right now?

I went through probably all the stages of grief within the last probably hour and a half. I don't know. I was like, Oh, it's probably not going to happen, but you got to meet my better half.

I know we did. She was lovely.

I don't bump into many guys who had a Bri in their life. I know.

A Bri and an Aaron. A Bri and an Aaron. It's so weird.

Aaron's never heard the show Bri made him submit. I just figured that out just right now. That's fine. No. I did. He didn't know who Aaron or Bri was.

Were you working downtown?

In a hospital?

I was not downtown, not far from downtown, but I'm a dentist. I work for a nonprofit dental clinic in Shambly, Georgia.

Oh, yeah, that's far.

Do you know Shambly?

Yeah. I drive past Duluth.

Do you wave to my parents?

I wave at the exit. We do all the- Ceremonial. Yeah, exactly.

Okay, so you can answer a question, and this came up on a previous interview today. What percentage of your current clients are the result of Bird or Lime scooters?

Personally, not very many, mostly because of their income status. They're walking, they're taking public transportation most of the time. But I do have a friend that works in private practice. I don't know percentage, but I would say it's getting up there.

My theory was that pickleball and electric scooters have probably been the backbone of medicine over the last six years. Financially.

Oh, thousand %. If you work in a college town like in Athens, I used to work for a dentist there, always seeing 19 to 22-year-olds coming in with chipped front teeth, typically because you're in a bar, maybe someone bumps into you while you're having a beverage. Of course. A glass bottle typically beats out enamel most days of the week.

I think I've had a couple people.

Break some teeth. Break some teeth in Athens.

Break some teeth in Athens, yeah.

There's so many ways you can get hurt drinking. I know. It's not just the There's a lot on the menu.

A lot of ways to go. Take your pick.

Stds. I mean, those are very related.

Sure. You cannot get them in a Lazy River.

No, or a hot tub.

We don't know about the hot tub. I didn't look into that. Tbd for hot tub. Did you go to Georgia?

I did, yeah. That's where Bre and I I actually met there, so go dogs.

What years were you guys there at the same? How old are you?

I'm 32.

So Monica already had mothballs by the time you joined.

Texas UGA is coming up in a couple of weeks, so you never know. Oh, you're going to roll.

You're going to roll. Oh, go to hell.

Roll hook them.

Maybe you can be Monica's guest in the box. That's right.

I'd do that. I'd show up in a bunch of UT gear, have to fight nine guys. You showed up in UGA gear. Uga. Well, you got the drift. Oh, wow. Okay, so you have a holiday nightmare story, Aaron.

Yeah. So Brand us from Maryland. We just had a baby in August of 2023. Congrats. That December, we were headed up driving to Maryland to do Baby's first holiday season with her family. The only people at that time that had met the baby were her mom, flew down. Everyone else was waiting for us to come up there to meet her. So we get up to Maryland, we drive there, no issues. It's Christmas Eve. We're on our way from our hotel to my in-law's house and going probably 70, 75 miles an hour on the highway, about a quarter mile from our exit. I get over into in the right lane and going. And then all of a sudden, big boom, feel like I got punched in the chest. Rihanna is immediately freaking out. Baby, I think, was asleep and is now hysterically crying. For whatever reason, I was pretty calm. I think it's when they say one emotion can only be handled whatever percentage by each person. So I think she had 110% of the panic.

I'm learning now this is a Georgia theory. This is Monica's theory.

It's not theory. We learned it here, and I just thought it was correct.

You should have been in my house. There's 600% rage happening from 10 people sometimes at once.

You should have seen me in the car earlier. I pull over into the emergency lane. I look behind us in this old red Lincoln is slowly pulling up behind us. I tell Brandon, I make sure the baby's okay. I'm okay. Get out, go. I walk up to the driver's side window, and it's an older guy, probably late '60s, early '70s, Super apologetic. He's like, I'm so sorry. I think I fell asleep.

Okay, so he rear-ended you.

He rear-ended us. I look at the damage, not as bad as you would think, but I think that's because we were moving together. If we were at a standstill, I'd probably be in a neck brace still. But our trunk was pushed in. Trunk wouldn't open, so some latch was bent there.

Your car or a rental?

Our car. So front end of his car, it's a Lincoln, not too bad. We exchange information. Police and EMS end up coming just to check everyone out. We all end up being fine. And so we end up going on our way. We get to the house, do dinner, and that was the end of the night. So luckily everyone was okay. Car was still drivable. The next day, Christmas morning, we wake up, we pulled Baby into bed, and Brianna pretty immediately is like, something's not right. She feels hot to me. I feel her. I'm like, I mean, she's warm, but who isn't a little warm after they wake She's all swaddled up.

Sure. Santa came.

Yeah, exactly. Maybe she's just excited. Brandon is like, No, we need to take her temperature. So we go, we're looking for the thermometer. One thing we didn't bring with us, I'm like, Okay, what's open on Christmas morning? I think really CVS is. So I go to CVS, get a thermometer, come back, and we go to take our temperature, and it slowly starts climbing. It's gone 100, 101, 102. It's 104. And at that point, it's We're still going up. We pull it out. Every baby manual tells you like, 104. It's go time. Yeah. So we're like, Okay, emergency room. So on Christmas morning, we head over to the emergency room. There's maybe two or three other people there. So we're just waiting to be seen. Nurse brings us back. They take her temperature. They're like, Yeah, she's got a fever. Then they do a flu and COVID test on her. She comes back negative for flu, but she is positive for COVID. Wow.

Wow. Unconventional. A little teeny tiny.

If you're wondering, they test babies for COVID the same way that they test big adults.

Twelve-foot nasal swab.

Yeah, I felt bad for everyone in the situation. I felt bad for the nurse having to do it. I felt bad for our daughter.

How old was she at this point?

She was almost four months. The nurse says, really, I mean, there's nothing we can do. You take Tylenol to control her fever. And they're like, actually, infants tend to do really well with COVID. Surprisingly, I wasn't expecting that. So we get in the car, we go back to our Homewoodsuites' room, and we call her family and we're like, We're going to be holding down the fort here this Christmas. So they ended up coming, doing one of those drive-bys in that retro COVID fashion where everyone was waving for graduations and things like that. Put some gifts on the sidewalk. The next day, we get a call from Brianna's mom, and she's like, Hey, so yesterday, I wasn't really feeling that great. This morning, I was feeling even worse. So I took a COVID test, and I'm positive COVID. So at this point, we've been exposed. Brianna and I have been exposed to COVID. Our daughter has COVID. My mother-in-law has COVID. Everyone that lives in that house has been exposed to COVID.

You're getting COVID.

Yeah, it's time. It's time to reconvene.

We called our pediatrician and we're like, This isn't immoral for us to go hang out with family. And she's like, Honestly, it's your call. You do what's in your best interest. And so we're like, Okay, fuck it. It's our last day here in Maryland. We're going to go spend time with family. We went. That was the end of the trip. We get to Atlanta. No one else ended up getting COVID. Just my daughter, just my mother-in-law. Christmas miracle. Yeah, exactly. So a little bonus there. So I wish this story ended there. But there was one more cherry on top. I had given my card to the collision center to get fixed. I was given a rental car. This was probably about a month after the incident. And I'm coming home from work in the rental car. I'm pulling in our turned neighborhood. It's dark. In front of me, I see a deer run across the road. And so I slow down because typically If one deer comes across, someone else is coming right behind it. No deer. So I slowly start going and boom, I'll thud in the passenger side. Oh, no. I stop. And I still think I have PTSD from when the guy hit us from behind because I was really shook.

Yeah.

Why does this keep happening?

I was like, There's no way. Leave me alone. So I get out. The deer's gone, but has left a nice dent and some fur and a little bit of blood on the door. I sent Emma some pictures. Oh, sure.

Oh, wow. And what's interesting is the blood is quite a distance from the dent.

It must have hit and slid.

Yeah, or it squirted. I need to get a spatter analysis in here.

That's a substantial dent.

Yeah.

I'd be pissed.

I thought I was going to get out of this car accident scot-free without having to pay any money. I ended up having to pay 500 bucks to get the rental fixed.

Oh, shit. That's so annoying. Where you're just like, I need this Christmas to be over.

Well, you know what's funny is I'm Jewish. I'm like, I'm never celebrating Christmas again.

This is why we don't celebrate Christmas. Exactly. That's funny.

It's why Hanukah is eight nights. We spread out the good juju.

Real modest each night. Very subtle, small gift.

We don't want to blow it all on the first night.

Well, Erin is delightful to meet you.

Yeah. Thank you for waiting for me. Of course.

I'm glad you didn't get too stressed I'm glad you didn't get in another car accident on the way.

I know. I was like, I'm going to drive as safely as possible so I don't have another story.

To be honest, because I live for stories at any cost, I'd be like, God, I hope I get rear-ended because what a nice button for this story is that I even got rear-ended on the way to tell the story about getting rear-ended.

Well, some of the traffic was caused. I looked, there was a brush fire on the side of the road, and it's like, Georgia is not typically known for brush fires.

God, I hope it doesn't take out the whole city like it did here. Yeah. It was nice to meet you.

Yeah, go dogs.

I was afraid you were going to use that other phrase that irritates us.

I've proposed to Monica because I think I just like saying roll so much. What if I said roll dogs? And she's nothing will satisfy her other than go dogs.

You can say like present rolls. Okay.

What about what rimes with tide?

No, I don't want any of that. Okay.

We won't ensnare you in this.

Thank you for You're keeping me company on my drives up and down I-85. You're a big part of my life, so I appreciate it.

Our pleasure. So nice having you. You're our arm cherry. That's right.

We like you.

I'm one of the few husbands that pulled their wives into the fold. Look at that. Nice.

Love that. All right.

Well, be well, brother.

Have a good night.

I appreciate it. Thanks, you all. All right. Take care.

Well, that was great.

Yeah. It makes you want to not have a holiday.

No, I always want to have a holiday.

I want to have a holiday, too.

We hope you enjoy your holidays, armcherries.

Keep your pepper spray stowed on this. Just keep it close by. On the holiday 2025. Love you. Love you.

Do you want to sing a tune or something? Or a theme song?

Oh.

Okay, great. We don't have a song song for this new show. So here I go, go, go. We're going to ask some random questions, and with the help of our cherries, we'll get some suggestions. On the fly, Rindish. On the fly, Rindish. Enjoy. Follow Armchair Expert on the fly, the WNDRI app, Amazon Music, or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to every episode of Armchair Expert early and ad-free right now by joining WNDRI Plus in the WNDRI app or on Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at wndri. Com/survey.