Transcript of Armchair Anonymous: Arrested

Wndri Plus subscribers can listen to Armchair Expert early and ad-free right now. Join WNDRI Plus in the WNDRI app or on Apple podcast, or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcast. Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dax Sheppard. I'm joined by Monica Padman. Hi. Hi. Today's prompt was, Tell us about a time you got arrested.

Tell us, tell us.

Tell us everything. He's growing in intensity. The last one's absolutely Absolutely. One of the craziest stories I've ever heard.

Oh, wow.

We heard a crazy... There's a crazy one on you.

Oh, these are good.

Yeah, these are good. Please enjoy stories About Being Arrested.

I'm Jon Robbins, and on my podcast, I sit down with incredible people to ask the very simple question, How do you cope? From confronting grief and mental health struggles to finding strength in failure. Every episode is a raw and honest exploration of what means to be human. It's not always easy, but it's always real. Whether you're looking for inspiration, comfort, or just a reminder that you're not alone in life's messier moments, join me on How Do You Cope. Follow now wherever you get your podcasts or listen to episodes early and ad free on WNDYRI Plus. How Do You Cope is brought to you by Audible, who make it easy to embark on a wellness journey that fits your life with thousands of audiobooks, guided meditations, and motivational series. Hello, I'm John Robbins, comedian and host of WNDYRI's How Do You Cope podcast. I'm also, Plot Twist, an alcoholic. I've written a book, Thirst: 12 Drinks That Change My Life, published by Penguin. Thirst is a book about alcohol. It's mystery, it's terror, it's havoc, it's strange meditations. But, John, I hear you cry. Isn't that a rather odd book to write for a sober man who more than anything wants to stop thinking about alcohol?

Well, yes, but I had to go back to find out why the one thing I know will kill me still calls out across the night. It's the story of what alcohol did for me and what alcohol did to me. If that's of interest to you or someone you know, Thirst, 12 Drinks That Change My Life is available to pre order now online and from all good bookshops. Hi.

How are you? I'm great.

Okay, so what name do we want to go with?

Okay, I have one locked and loaded. I think we're going to go with Jackie. The reason is Jackie was the name on my first fake ID that I had. And although this story doesn't involve my fake ID, it does involve underage drinking.

Where are you, Jackie?

Jackie is just outside of Toronto, Canada.

Do you go up to Mascoka in the summer ever?

Dax, I really hoped you would ask me about this because I always hear you talking about Mascoka. I'm here to tell you there's a better, more well-kept secret cottage country in Ontario. It is the Kauorthas. It is cooler. It is more down to Earth. It is less bougey. And that's where you go. And that's where I'm going this weekend. Oh, wonderful.

And is it a shorter distance from Toronto? Because it's a good hike to Mascoka, yeah.

Not necessarily. I might be biased, but I think it's better.

Yeah, I feel you. We trust you. We're not on a bougey lake. I like a non-bougey lake. Okay, so you were arrested, presumably.

I was arrested, yes. So let's get into it. The year was 2008, and it was fall of my grade 12 year of high school. I actually have a very late birthday, so I was actually 16, about to turn 17 at this point. The other two people featured in this story were 17 at the time. So we go to your typical high school house party. This house party was interesting, actually, because a girl from our high school class, her mom had just bought this really big house but hadn't moved into it yet. So it was a bunch of teenagers partying in an empty house.

I'm so scared. In someone's new house.

Yeah. Someone's new house. Yeah. Party goes on. Drink, drink, drink, drink, fun, fun, fun, party, party. Night ends, and myself, my high school boyfriend and his friend, we decide we're going to take a cab home from this party to my boyfriend's house. I looked it up for this. It was like a three-kilometer cab ride probably would have taken 30, 35 minutes to walk. This is well past midnight. It's fall, it's cold.

I'm already proud of you guys. You didn't choose to drive. Also, that's 1. 8 miles for non-kilometer people.

I remember it was a minivan cab. So I get in, I'm sitting behind the cab driver. My boyfriend is sitting in the back seat next to me, and then his friend is sitting in the front seat next to him. The cab pulls out of the driveway and the doors lock and the cab driver goes, You need to pay me $200 cash right now or I'm driving you to the police station and turning you in for underage drinking.

Can they do that? Blackmail right out of the gates?

That feels illegal.

The house is in sight. I'm like, Look, we've got whatever amount of cash. It was probably $40 between us. I'm like, We'll give you this. Please just let us off. We'll find another way home. The whole ride probably would have been max of $15 cab fare. He child locks the doors and starts driving away. No.

Oh, my goodness.

This is kidnapping.

In this country, he's committed two felonies, which is blackmail and now abduction.

I realized that the friend sitting in the front seat, his door couldn't have been child locked, but it's a moving vehicle. And we pull out of this suburban street onto a really main road, where on this road, you can be going like 70, 80 kilometers an hour. And I'm pulling on the door. My boyfriend is pulling on the door on that side, and we're like, Let us out. It's escalating into panic. So we get to a red light at a main intersection between two very big roads. Still, it's just escalating. I feel like now is a good time to pause and say, Logically, I have very chill parents, great relationship with them. I think the other two did as well. What probably would have been the right move was to say, Drive us to the police station. Our parents will come pick us up.

Of course. And also, he's not going to do that. You still could have gotten arrested, though, or an MIP.

They probably would have just called our parents and The old prefrontal cortex is not fully there yet. So instead, we choose to panic. So we're at a red light. I'm pulling on the van door, and suddenly I hear my boyfriend and his friend say, One, two, three. And I look, and they start beating up the cab driver.

Sure, sure, sure. This is a decision I probably would have made.

I keep pulling on the door. I'm freaking out. Eventually, the door unlocks. So we scatter. I run across the four lanes of this big road. It's late at night. There's no cars there. And I run into a park ravine type area where there's a path that leads up to my neighborhood. So I call my older brother. I give him the shortest version of what just happened. I say, You have to come pick me up. And he's like, Walk calmly. Don't draw attention to yourself. Just walk home. I'll meet you. So I'm walking around the corner, walking down this street next to ours, and my brother pulls up. I'm about to get in his car, and a cop car pulls up behind us. The one detail I really don't remember is what initially they said to me. If they said, were you at a party? Were you in a cab? But next thing I know, I am up against my brother's car, and they're saying, You're under arrest. Hands in cuffs. He just says, Okay, I'm going to go home. I'm going to wake up mom and dad. Just be calm. Immediately, I'm in the back of the cop car.

It's two male cops. And I remember they just started asking me questions. And it never occurred to me for even a second that I didn't have to say anything. Why? I know.

I'm sure. I would not that in the moment either. It's like you're in handcuffs, so you feel like you have to answer them.

They've got questions. I've got answers. And it's just like, who were you with? What's your name? What's his name? What's his middle name? What's his birthday? What was the address? Everything. And I'm just word vomit.

You rolled over on everyone. I did.

I was a snitch, and I was hysterically crying. And so they drive me to the police station, very close car ride from my parents' house. This police station was across the street from our high school, by the way. So they put us in an underground parking garage, and the two cops get out. And I'm sitting there in the back seating handcuffs, and I managed somehow to shimmy my little pink motorola razor flip phone out of my pocket. And I just text my friend, we'll call her Allison, and I just say, I'm arrested. I don't know what I was trying to do with that.

I am assuming Allison wasn't a lawyer.

No, Allison was 17. They put in a questioning room, and my parents are there, and they're just asking me questions and getting me to run through the story. I can't stress to you enough how much I am hysterically crying. And I remember I kept retelling the story, and I would say, And then the cops, and one or both of my parents would just jump in going to be like, Police officers. They were so intent on making sure that I came across respectfully. And this goes on for hours. So I guess what had ended up happening was the cab driver told the police that That teenagers had gotten in his car and he was going to drive them home, and then they threatened him that they were going to take all the cash that he had. Oh my God.

Of course, the guy's already a fucking scumbag.

And that the teenagers had beat him up and he had $1,000 in his front pocket and that they had stolen the $1,000 from his front pocket. This is pre-Rideshare, so this was the only cab company around, and they had a reputation for not being the greatest. Eventually, they pulled my parents to another and they're like, Look, this could have ended really differently. Thank goodness everyone's under 18. Your daughter was in the wrong place at the wrong time. We're going to let her go without any charges, but you got to button this down. And they've taken a written statement. We go home and I remember just being so thirsty. And my mom was like, you've just been bawling your eyes out for six hours straight. What ended up happening, I was fine. No charges against me. The other two, probably thanks to me and my word vomit in part, ended up going to court, where in court, they read the written statement that they had taken at the police station, and they literally was like, And then we were in the cab, sobbing break. And then we were pulling on the door, sobbing break. They ended up getting, I believe, a year probation community service and court-imposed curfew.

As for my parents, they were just like, Maybe we just do an 11: 00 PM curfew and cool it on this boyfriend.

Wow, wow, wow, wow.

In the cab driver, everything's groovy with him. He doesn't have to deal with anything.

I honestly don't know if he ever got charged with anything. I know that very quickly they were like, Buddy, nothing got stolen from you.

No one makes a thousand dollars in this town.

Isn't that illegal, too? To lie to-False statement.

Yeah, this guy's got three felonies.

What's interesting is my husband, there's a few people in his family that are police officers, and I've since recounted this story to them. And they're like, there are so many parts of that story that it's just not how that should have gone down at all. But that's how it was.

Oh, man.

Scary. Now, am I right in that Canada is definitely looser about younger people drinking? I mean, the drinking age, at least when I was growing up, was 19. Is it still 19? Yeah.

So it's 19 in Ontario. So we were just shy of that. I've never in my life known anyone who got any charge for being caught drinking underage. It's really just at worst, maybe the drunk tank. So what would have made much sense is I just take me to the police station, and my parents would have come and pick me up. I reached out to both my parents to validate some details on this story. My mom immediately was like, You weren't arrested. You were just brought to the station for questioning. I was like, Mom, when they put me in cuffs in the back of the car and said, You're arrested? I was arrested.

Yeah, I'd go along with that. I mean, I don't know the technical definition, but you were arrested, and then let go.

Arrested, not charged.

They said, You're under arrest. So That was me under arrest.

Oh, what a harrowing story for a 16-year-old.

I will say to this day, I don't love a cab. When ride share came along and it was like, You can track where you're going, who you're with, all the safety features, I was for that. So I can't say I'm totally really unscathed. It's still there, but yeah, it's a story now.

And how long did you stay with the boyfriend?

Oh, that ended pretty quickly.

Was he a bad boy?

He wasn't the greatest. Okay.

He wasn't a good boy. We might have to spank his butcher.

Well, I don't know.

Well, Jackie, thank you. Well, thanks for sharing. Thank you. Thank you so much. This has been so much fun, I have to say. I was watching the first episode of Mom's Car on YouTube when I got the email from Emma. Oh, what did you think? I loved the episode, but my brain short circuited when I was watching you and then reading the email from Emma. It was like a lot of arm share coming at me at once. That's Sim. All right.

Well, lovely meeting you. Thank you.

Lovely meeting you, too.

All right. Take care. Have fun at the Lake.

Thanks. Bye.

Is this David?

It is.

David, you've got an Uncle Baby Billy shirt on.

I do. I got a Misbehaving Tour shirt on.

Oh, my God. That's fantastic.

It fits well with the theme of this story.

Oh, sure. Where are you, David?

I'm in West Seattle, but I'm calling from a co-work space because we are in the middle of moving today.

Oh, okay. There are some hints to your location behind you because that definitely looks like a Washington seascape.

Nice little generic co-work space art.

Yeah, so when does this event happen?

So this event took place in the '90s, 1998, when I was a junior in high school.

Back to the '90s.

Okay, so I'm a bit older than you. I miss it. Yeah, six years, I would guess. About, yeah. And did you go to school in Washington?

Yeah, I grew up in the suburb of Seattle, Issaquod, which is ironically where we're moving back to. Oh, wow.

Crazy.

So the Sunday afternoon, me and my buddy were palling around in this truck, as teenage boys will do, up to no good. And And this car pulled up right behind us and started just tailgating us, or at least so we thought. Yes. As teenage boys on a Sunday afternoon will do, we start thinking, what can we do to get this person? Should we break check them? Should we throw something out the window? Carl was my best friend at the time, still is a really good friend of mine. He was the driver, looked in his glove compartment, and he had a toy, a cat gun or pistol.

Okay.

What would we do, of course? They're like, I should hold Carl hostage.

Oh, interesting. That's not the direction I was expecting it to go.

I grabbed the gun and I hold it to Carl's head, and we can look out the back window and he's looking in the mirror, and the person is clearly responding. They're freaking out. They're concerned. We're getting a good laugh out of it. So we're still driving through town, and we're like, Well, now what are we going to do? And we cruise over to a future shop, which is like a best buy. Now, they're out of business. And one of our buddies was the manager of the car stereo install bay. We pulled up over there. We thought, Okay, prank is done. Moving on with our day. Still trying to find something to do. And we go in and we tell him what the story was. He pulls some of the guys out and tells them what the story is.

You're heroes.

Yeah, we think it's the best thing in the world. About five minutes later, one of the clerks comes up and goes, There's a lot of police outside.

Duh. But a lot. Yeah, a lot for a murder, I would assume.

Or an armed robbery.

Both require a lot.

Isabel has a pretty small suburb. There's probably four squad cars in the whole town. So it was all four of them, plus a couple from a neighboring town, There's probably six or seven of them out there. And we go up to the window, we're looking out the window, we're like, Uh-oh. My buddy, who's the manager of the store, is freaking out. He's like, I'm going to get in trouble if the cops storm in here. And there's a whole scene. He's like, You guys got to go.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Okay.

We get in the car and we start driving. And then they are clearly following us. They're not engaging, but they are following to see what our next location or destination is going to be. We keep traveling through town, and we get out through downtown towards where there's a park and ride. And this is lights on, we're surrounded, and they are steering us to pull in.

And really quick, when you're driving down the road, what are you guys saying? Are you trying to come up with some cockamame story you're going to tell them? What's the dialog inside?

Yeah, I don't think we were that smart to think of anything besides just, We're dumb boys. Yeah, like, Oops. This was the '90s, so we were going to go with the good old Simpson, Boys Will Be Boys defense. Okay. It was probably our first endeavor with the law, but it wasn't our first endeavor of getting in trouble. And it worked in the past, just ever with law enforcement. So we were I'm going to try it out and see how it went.

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So we pull into the parking ride and they surround us and we are facing a concrete barrier, so we can't go anywhere. Doors open, their guns are drawn, lights are on. There's somebody on a bullhorn giving instruction. So both of our hands are out the window at this point because we have the windows down. They instruct Carl to turn the car off and throw the keys out the window. Now, Carl is a fit guy. I wouldn't call him athletic in any means, but he hugged those keys, had to been half a mile across the parking lot. They instruct him to open the door from the outside and step out. So he reaches out, follows instructions, gets out, and is outside, and they have his hands up, and they say, take 10 steps back, and then take five more steps back. And they keep instructing him to take steps backwards till they get close enough to him, then they put him in handcuffs and put him in the back of a car. At this point, they don't know who's who or what's going on. Now, the attention turns to me. I've got my hands out the window and they say, a passenger, slide across the seat because it's a '90s model Ford Ranger pickup truck and get out the driver's side because that's where they were all able to contain us, so we couldn't take off running as if that was a choice.

So I've got my seatbelt on, of course, as I should, and I'm yelling out the window, I've got to take my seatbelt off. I've got to take my seatbelt off. I don't hear anything. So I just slowly reach for it and I hear a shotgun. Oh, my God. And I throw my hands back out the window. Almost an unauthorized evacuation, but not quite.

Sure. It could have been a double whammy prompt.

One of the other cops, yes. Seat seatbelt, seatbelt, seatbelt. So they all calm down.

Oh, boy.

Then they say, take your seatbelt off and slide over. So I reach down, take my seatbelt off, slide across the truck, get out, do the same thing, hands up, back up, follow the instructions very clearly. And they put me in handcuffs, and they put me in the back of a different squad car at this point. But now they've got the scene control. So at least the tensions feel like they're down a little bit. So they get us in the back of the cars. First, they're talking to Carl to understand what happened. I can see what's going on. There's Two cops stand outside of my car. They're talking to him. It feels like a while, but who knows what time is at this point. They're done talking to Carl. They come over to me. They're talking to me. And we're telling the same story. We're like, Listen, this guy was tailgating us. We thought this would be funny. And they're like, What possibly would make you think that this is funny? And we're like, I don't know. They are in his car, tearing the car apart, looking for a gun at this point. They find the toy gun, but they're like, The driver said it was a real gun.

We're like, It wasn't a real gun. It was this cap gun. After however long it is, they finally believe us. So they get us both out. They get us next to each other. They take the cuffs off. And then the local sergeant who both of us actually became semi-friends with after the fact is just laying into us like, What is wrong with you? You've taken up all these resources. You could have gotten your head blown off, pointing at me.

Yeah, scared straight.

It's 1998, so there's real no cell phones. So now they got to figure out how to get a hold of our parents because we're both minors. So they call Carl's parents, no one's home. They leave a very detailed message. They call my parents. No dice. They laid a little bit. They try it again. Nothing, nothing. So they finally decide they're going to let us go on the caveat that they are going to follow up continuously until they get a hold of an adult to confirm that the message has been relayed. So we get on the road, we start strategizing. We're like, Okay, let's go to Carl's house first because his parents are going to get home first, and we got to get to that answering machine.

So your plan is to now try to prevent either parents from knowing?

Yes and no. We were going to delete the message so we could paint our story.

Okay, great, great, great, great.

Because we knew they were going to call back and talk to him. We wanted to get our story out first before they got to him. We erase it. His parents get there. His dad was a tough SOP, not a happy camper. So much so later in life, we had had some other challenges. I moved away, and every time I came back to visit, I would get a call from his dad saying, I don't want my son or you to end up in the hospital or in jail tonight.

Okay. He was worried.

I'm sure you have it with Aaron. When you get together, the little devil on your shoulder just says, yes, do it. Sure, sure. There's nothing saying, no, don't do it. So we talk his parents out of murdering us.

Really quick, does your friend's dad say there's any grounding happening? Is there any punishment going to happen?

I want to say it was three months, maybe six months. At that point, we were never allowed to see each other again. I mean, he was a groom in my wedding, so clearly that didn't last. But it was a while before we were allowed to see each other outside of school. I get to my parents, and it's pretty much verbatim. It's the same thing. It's you're an idiot. They're just both playing into us. We're playing it off. We didn't quite think about how serious it was, probably until about five or six years ago. We're like, This is actually probably a pretty serious thing. And then that's where the fact that we lived in a very white suburb and we were two white teenagers, checked in and we're like, We were probably pretty privileged in this situation. If we were not where we and who we were, that could have ended very differently.

Yeah. Anytime you got eight guns pointed at you, it can go wrong very easily. Yeah.

And then it carries along. It was in my wedding. We were getting married in Chicago. My wife and I, about 11 years ago, we actually just celebrated our 11-year anniversary.

Congrats.

At the rehearsal dinner, Carl opened up his wallet and took out the newspaper press clipping and read it to all of my in-laws and my wife.

Wait, is this the collar, too, Rob? Oh, it made the paper. Congratulations.

Not a It's a crazy big story, but we made the paper.

Can I read it? Please. It says, 1800 block, 12th Avenue, Northwest. Police were alerted to a hostage situation in the future shop parking lot that turned out to be the work of two teen pranks Prangster.

The work of two teen pranksters.

One boy held a plastic toy gun to the head of his friend while the two drove about town. Police, not knowing it was a joke, stopped the boys' vehicle at the park and ride lot with drawn guns. That's fantastic.

Yeah. Yeah, they don't realize what a blessing it was that they wrote that up for you guys. I know.

It's pretty funny. That story comes out, I'd say, probably every 24 months or so.

Classic tale. I hope you have it framed in your home.

I actually don't have a copy. That's Carl's copy. He carries it in his wallet still. I asked him to take a picture and send it to me.

Tell me to laminate it, at least. Well, we already know Carl's-willing early with the rules. Playing it fast and loose. Oh, well, David, that's wonderful. That's such a teenage story.

Well, I want to thank you guys so much. She would absolutely murder me if I didn't give Jen a shout out. She's been talking forever about this story and how it's going to be on arm's share and how she's excited to pop in, but can't because she's at home with the movers.

Well, Jen, we love you and we thank you. Shout out. Yeah, big time.

You're pretty much the source of all of our news and all of our culture. For better or worse.

Thank you. Well, David, it's delightful to meet you. All right. Have a good one.

Thanks, guys. Bye.

Take care.

I hope their move goes smoothly.

Me, too. That's all you can hope these days.

Moves are tough. Moving stories.

You know what's interesting about moving? Oh, that's a good one. We're all writing down.

We do have to pick today.

Oh, great. Moving stories. Do you want to do military stories? I'll bang your butt, cherry red.

Hello, is this Laura?

Yes, it is.

Oh, I have such a sweet spot for the name.

Oh, that's nice to hear.

Sweet Laura LeBeau. Where are you, Laura?

I'm in Brooklyn, New York. Unfortunately, quiet and closets are two things we don't have. But I do have a podcast mic.

I was going to say, why do you have such a nice mic?

I've done educational content and worked in tech.

Okay. And are you a Brooklyn native?

No, I've been here 13 years. I came here immediately after I graduated college.

You did. You couldn't get there fast enough. Yeah, absolutely. Okay. What percentage of folks that you're meeting in Brooklyn are from Brooklyn? Five %?

I feel like it's honestly half and half. I mean, I'm a photographer, so there's a lot of artists here and creatives that have been here their lives. I feel very blessed to know a lot of natives and a lot of really cool transplants.

We know almost nobody from LA. Jess, that's about it, right? In our entire friendship circle.

I know Max.

I know a couple. Two out of 20. I know a couple. It's rare, though. Okay, so you got arrested. I'm just going to say I'm going to judge a book by its cover and say unlikely from the package that I'm seeing.

I had not won detention in high school. I was a pretty good girl. But when I go hard, I really go hard. Good for you.

You got to use Snap.

Yeah, it's a good one.

Okay, let's hear it.

I went to college in the SEC as well. I went to USC, no game cons.

Oh, nice. That's South Carolina for those who are unfamiliar. That's not- Exactly. It's South Carolina.

Oh, yeah. Out here, you would definitely think Southern California, whatever the fuck it stands for.

Exactly.

It's the O-G, USA. The Ridge. It was my junior year. I was at a party, and a boy that I was about to start dating. We were getting to know each other. We were pretty uninvolved in the rest of the party, honestly. We were down in his room. We were smoking a lot, made out a little bit.

Pot or cigarettes?

Pot. Okay, great. I mean, we smoke cigarettes, too. But there were some younger freshmen at this party. It was early in the year, and that was part of why we were away from everyone. So a noise complaint comes through. The cops get called. And instead of someone older taking charge and saying, Hey, everybody, shut up. We're just going to tell the cops we're going to be quiet, and they'll go away, and everything will be fine. All these tiny little freshmen started running out the door, down the drive, everywhere. And it was like, Okay, we got to go.

You can almost not blame them because that was the move in high school. It's like they just left high school. In high school, you just run like hell.

Yeah, I think we all just rolled our eyes and we're like, Okay, let's go. And I had maybe a gram less than that of weed in what was a very cute little satin purse that I would carry it around in. Cheek. And I obviously was nervous. Pot was very illegal in South Carolina, so I tried to just toss it as I walked down the driveway. And at that same moment, a flashlight comes up and I just hear, Well, that one tossed something. Go grab her. And I was like, Oh, no.

Oh, boy.

Possession. In the south, they want to get you for that.

They really do. So they bring everybody up the driveway, and the driveway is in the back of the house, and line all the kids up that have stopped and didn't get away. I'm just over on the side in handcuffs because they're like, We don't even care if you're going. So I'm just waiting to see who my bus mates are going to be. And I just moved in with a girl that I did not know. This was our first time going out together. And I just watch as her and everyone else in the line just lie and say, Well, I don't have my ID, so they can't prove anything, so they just let them all go. I'm like, This sucks.

That's a great strategy.

I didn't know about that. I love it.

I know. I was too much of a goody-goody. I would have immediately been like, I'm underage. You can take me. I had no survival instincts. One girl gets so obviously just hammered. They're like, Well, we're taking you.

For your own safety, I think we need to get you somewhere.

Yeah. So she and I get in the back of a cop car together, and she immediately starts like, Do you know who my daddy is? You guys are going to lose your... And she just starts going nuts. And she's slurring. She's so loud. And I'm so I was immediately resigned to like, This is how my night's going to go. It is what it is.

You're chill.

There's no way I couldn't be. I look at her and I was like, I'm going to need you to shut the fuck up. Like, this is too much. You're too loud. Your dad's not getting you out of this. We're going to jail. This is how the night's going to end. I'm sorry. So the cops in the front start laughing, and they're like, Well, at least she's entertaining. I'm sure they wanted to tell her to shut the fuck up, too.

No one's watching Friends in Bed with Ice Cream tonight. It did not happen.

Right. No.

So they, unfortunately, don't take us straight to the jail. They take us downtown to the bars to collect more children before Or they drive all the way out to where the correctional facility is.

Oh, my Lord. And what vehicle are you in? Just a standard cop car? Or are you in a van?

First, it was a cop car. They wanted to load up a van, and then the van takes everybody out to the woods where the jail is. So it was like, cool, nobody will see. And then all of a sudden, we're in downtown in the middle of all of the bars in a parking lot, and I'm just standing there in handcuffs. And the cop is like, All right, well, I'm going to take your ID out and start some paperwork to save time later. And I was like, great, you do whatever What do you want, man? And he pulls out an ID, and I just burst out laughing. And he looks at me and is like, What now? And I'm like, That's not me, man. Fake ID. And he's like, What? And I was like, I don't know what to tell you. It is what it is. And he's like, Who is it? And I'm like, I don't know. Some girl from New Jersey. You can clearly see her name. And he just starts laughing, and he actually put it back in my.

Okay, you really endeared these police to you. That was smart.

I really want them over. He took out the real ID and was like, You're going to give it back to her, right? And I was like, Yeah, the first chance I get. So we get to the jail, they take us all out, start to do the processing, and I'm still stoned and just like, What an interesting adventure this will be. I don't know how any of this works.

I hope the food's good.

I also just assumed I'd be in a drunk tank with everybody else, but weed is another game. I'm getting booked. I'm going to a cell. I get separated from people for smaller than a penny. They are like, Write down a phone number that you want to call. I'm like, Okay, I have no family in this city. I don't know my roommate. I don't really have anybody. But my sister-in-law and my brother lived a few hours away. I was like, All right, well, I'll just call my sister-in-law, not my big brother. I'll call my sister-in-law. I'm like, She'll be cool. So I write the phone number down, and then they take all my stuff. And the guy's doing my fingerprints, and they're talking to me about a phone call, and they're like, Well, you can't call long distance. And I'm like, What do you mean? Yeah. And that point, I sober up lose it. And I'm like, no one knows I'm here. I start crying, and they take a mug shot, and you're like, oh, fuck. That's there forever. Oh my God. I'm freaking out. The guy taking my fingerprints is like, what's wrong? And I'm like, well, besides this, I can't call anyone.

I still have the piece of paper with my sister-in-law's phone number. And he's like, Why don't you leave that there? I'll call her and let her know what's going on. And I was like, weird, but what other choice do I have? Somebody's got to know. And then they were going to put me in a holding cell before they took me back. And the guy comes back around and he's talking out of the side of his mouth. And he's like, Don't let anybody see, but there's a small piece of paper on the floor in that holding cell. Pick it up. It has my number on it, but don't let anybody see you pick it up. And I was like, okay.

What's happening? And he's like, Is this a meet cute?

He wants it to be a meet cute. Absolutely not.

If this is the only human that's going to have contact with anybody, you got to do what you got to do. So I very casually sit on the floor of the holding cell, I'm trying to relax. And just put this tiny piece of paper in my pocket. It's the only thing that I own in the world. And they take me back to a cell. I think I blacked out for the rest of the night because I have very few just photographs of memories of being in a cell. There was a girl who's younger with me. I think she'd stolen some stuff. I think I was back there for probably eight, nine hours. Someone comes to get me, and they're like, You're going to get let out. So I get out, and the lady giving me my stuff back is like, Someone's here to get And I was like, who? She's like, does it matter? Go. And I walk out and I see my sister-in-law standing there. She and I just walk outside. I probably start crying. I think I'm laughing a little bit. And she's like, yeah, I got a very weird text message at three in the morning from a random number that's like, hey, your sister's in jail in Columbia, South Carolina.

And she goes, So I called your brother because I thought it was probably a scam. I'm the youngest of four, and I'm the only girl. So they all got in all sorts of trouble, and I was very good. And he was like, Yeah, she's in jail. You got to go get her. It's about time she got in trouble. She comes and picks me up. I was supposed to start a job that day at a restaurant. And I was like, Yeah, that's not going to happen. So I called out, said I was sick. And my sister-in-law and I were like, all right, we're just going to watch crappy TV and get food. So we go to get food and my debit card gets denied. And I'm like, Well, that's very weird. Obviously, I'm supposed to start a job. I've got some cash. So I go home, log into my bank online and see that it has been completely emptied and someone paid a utility bill with my debit card.

What?

The only people that had possession of anything of mine, because I got everything back, were the people that worked at the jail. So I was like, I'm pretty sure someone that worked at that jail stole my identity.

Payed a utility bill.

Oh my God.

It was like a $300 water bill or something like that.

Oh my God. That's horrible.

What do you do? It was like, I called the bank and tried to explain it without really having to explain it. Everything got refunded and it was fine. But then when I went to court, they want you to pay to have things expunged off your record and go through a class instead of all this other stuff. And I just looked at the judge and was like, I'm not paying for that. Someone that works for you stole all of my money, and none of you wanted to investigate the address that the bill was paid for. And the judge was just like, Yeah, how's community community service sound? And I was like, I think that sounds great.

Wait, what was on the piece of paper that he left?

Yeah, his phone number. But it was like, I don't need to call you. She'll either be here or she won't be here.

This feels like a very corrupt situation because I think he was hitting on you. And then I think they stole your money.

I think he also stole your money and hit on you.

Well, he was like, Eventually, we'll be married, so it's my money. Oh, that's generous. That sucks. So what was the outcome of the charge for possession?

Did they throw that After about six months, I had a certain amount of time to complete the community service, and I turned in that paperwork and then just never looked myself up in that system again because it was like, I'm not going to live in this state, so I don't think this is going to matter. I was also really hoping that weed would be legal eventually, and it also wouldn't matter. I left the day after I graduated, and I've never stepped foot in Columbia again. I go to South Carolina often, but not Columbia.

Man, yeah, Columbia. Possession. Possession. Possession. Theft. Me cute.

And then I actually waited on the cop who arrested me at that restaurant that I started working at. A month later, he was hammered. It was his birthday. I took him a shot and was like, Hey, do you remember me? He's like, Yeah, weed, right? I was like, Yeah, totally.

But he didn't hit on you then.

No, different guy.

Yeah, this was one of the cops that arrested me.

Okay, not the one that gave you his number.

No, no, no. That was a fingerprint guy.

Thanks for sharing that. Yeah.

Have you been arrested since? I bet not.

No, I have not. No.

Okay, good. Knock on wood. One and done. Well, it's lovely meeting you, Laura.

Yeah. Thank you. Have a good day, guys.

All right, take care. This is a double whammy, Monnie. Oh, that's always fun. Bonnie and Cly. Hello. Hello. Hi. Is this Dan? Yeah. Hi, Dan. Is Sarah with us as well?

Hi. Nice to meet you both.

Hi. Nice to meet you. Where are you guys?

We're both in Lehigh, Utah.

Oh, okay. Great. You're not our first Utahians. What do we call people from Utah?

I like Utahians, but I don't think that's really it. I think I made that up.

That is really nice, Utahians. You guys have an arrest story, and it's a team, and this is only the second time we've interviewed two people at once. So this is very exciting, a novel.

We're going to tell you a story about our wedding date.

Oh, fantastic.

So a little backstory that will be helpful. So we met fall of 1999. We fell in love pretty quickly, madly, deeply. Moved in together. In January of 2000, we decided to move to Cedar City. We had been living in Provost, Utah. We found out we were going to have a baby in May, so we decided, let's get married in September. Dan's parents had a beautiful backyard in Provost, Utah, so we decided to get married there. It is the morning of our wedding. We are doing the finishing touches, setting up chairs, dance on a ladder, hanging up lights.

How many guests are coming?

Probably about 150, 200, do you think? Yeah. So Dan's hanging in the lights. It's time for me to go get my hair and makeup done, get in my dress. So I kiss him goodbye, we'll see you in a bit, and I leave.

Just put up the lights and stuff. And an hour before, I'm like, I got to get my tucks on, and the doorbell rings. I open it, there's this plain clothes guy standing there, and I'm like, Maybe one of the guests? I don't know. But he introduces himself. He's like, I'm Officer So-and-so from Sheriff's Department. I'm looking for Dan Shepard. Is he here? And I'm like, That's me. Your name is Dan Sheppard?

Hold on a second. Your name's Dan Sheppard?

I'm Dan Sheppard.

Oh, my God. So obviously, you know I go by Dan Sheppard nonstop.

That's amazing. Yeah, I was so excited.

That's hilarious. Is your name Kristen Bell?

I wish.

We're going to do a Halloween costume one of these days.

You should.

So, yeah, he looked at me. I used to have earrings and long hair and that whole look back in the day. And he's like, Oh, you're not even the guy I'm looking for. I'm like, All right, cool. And then he's like, Well, let's just go to my car real quick. Checked it make sure. So make sure, whatever. When we get to his car, he asks me my birthday, and I tell him. He asked me my birthday, and I tell him, he looks at me and does a double take. He says, Oh, my God, I guess it is you. And he grabs me and says, You're under arrest. You're going to jail. And I'm getting married in an hour.

Oh, my God.

He's like, No, not today. You're not. And my brother sees this guy manhandling me and comes out to help me and going to hit him. I'm like, It's a cop. Don't hit him. I'm going to jail. Tell everyone.

I don't know what to do. Tell Oh my God.

What the fuck? They didn't say you're arrested for?

After he grabbed me, I'm like, What am I going to be arrested for? He said, For absconding from probation. Because I'd moved to Cedar City. Back when you went to jail for marijuana charges and stuff, I had a possession thing I was dealing with, and I was working. I didn't think I was hiding. And I guess they put your wedding announcement in the newspaper back in the day. So we did that. And they checked that, and that's how they knew I would be in town and where I would be.

That's so anti I love.

I know. But also, he must have stuck out a fucking sore thumb in Provo with long hair and earrings everywhere.

He could have let you guys get married, could have watched the wedding from behind, and then he would have felt butterflies, and then he would have been like, Oh, these people are nice.

It'd be really cute if they put them both in the back of the cop car and then wrote Just Married in Soap on the cop car window, and then they got to drive through town.

There's more. There's more to this story.

Okay.

So, yeah, they get me to the jail, booked me in, and they're laughing about my wedding thing, and they said, There's roses out front. They can get married in the front of the jail. I'm like, Yeah, that's not happening. I didn't know what was going on. I'm just sitting in jail. Somehow, my dad works his magic with the judge that's marrying us to get a sheriff to be my best man, pretty much, and get me out for an hour, get married- Stop it. And come right back to jail.

No. No.

Yeah. I had a best man as a sheriff. He had a handcuffed tie pin. Oh, my God.

Wait, Dan. There's more. So Dan sitting in jail finds out there's a chance he can get out. I'm coming back to the venue in my wedding dress, makeup, hair done. We don't have cell phones, so I have no idea what has happened. So I walk in and nobody's looking at me in the eye. I'm expecting everyone's going to be like, Oh, my gosh, you're so beautiful.

Oh, no.

It's just panic and anxiety, and nobody's talking to me. So I think, okay, the last time I saw Dan, he was on a ladder hanging lights. Did he fall? But then nobody else is gone, just Dan. So then I think he left me.

Oh my God. You left you at the altar. Cold feet. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

My sweet mother-in-law grabs me and takes me outside, and she explains that Dan had been arrested. But that my father-in-law had worked his magic and worked this out, that he can get out. He's going to have to go right back. Do you still want to get married? Oh, my God. I'm pregnant. I'm dressed. Guests are arriving by this time, and I'm like, Yeah, if you can get him here, let's do it. Wow. Why not? So then Dan shows up.

With a sheriff. Okay.

Wow. Yeah. And shackles in the prison garb. There's a sheriff's van in the driveway. He watches me get my tucks on. He's like, You're good? Not a problem. If you try I'll take you down in front of everybody. I don't care. Sarah couldn't even come near me to kiss me.

Oh, my God.

This is insane.

We have the service, the saddest wedding pictures you'll ever see in the album.

I want to see us because she's so bad.

Nobody's smiling. Nobody's smiling. What are the guests saying? Clearly, you've all talked to them since. What were they thinking? What is she doing?

Oh, for sure. I have to give my family such credit because my parents were just troopers.

I got to be honest, if one of my daughters marries a guy that gets arrested during the wedding, I'm going to be a little nervous.

No, but you knew what it was for, right?

I did. And when I found out he'd been arrested, I thought he left me at the altar. So honestly, I was so relieved.

Yeah, thank God he was arrested.

Yeah, he still loves me.

Was there video being run? Did anyone record it?

We did, and we do have some pictures. I almost sent some into Emma, but I think they were strategically trying not to get the sheriff.

But I would love to see his video of it. And then the moment overtook the sheriff and he's crying as Dan's best man. That would be the dream. In the movie, it gives a toast. I've only known Dan for 36 minutes. What I got to say, this is this stand-up- This love is so pure. Okay, so you say, I do. Do you get to kiss at, I do?

We do.

Do you have one handcuff to him?

He had let me out of the cuff. I had a tuxet, I looked good. But we're just sobbing. I don't remember any of the ceremony at all.

Right after the nuptials are done, does he then take you to put you back in the jumpsuit? Yeah.

You had to change out of your tucks and get in the jumpsuit.

And so did you just party without him?

A little awkward, right? And I didn't really want to be at the reception alone and have to explain everything. So my girlfriends and I, we just left, and I hung out with them for the evening.

Oh, my God. This is such a disaster.

I love what a disaster is. We could have had a prompt, like worst wedding you've ever been to, and probably three or four people from your wedding would have submitted.

Maybe.

I'm sure there were bets on the way home of like, That marriage is not going to last five months.

Yeah, you can't do the first dance or anything. Also, weddings You were more expensive.

You wasted all this money.

They were filming guests congratulating us, and someone's like, How amazing. Spend your time together, wait to have children, and someone leans over and whispers to her, Children are such a blessing. Congratulations.

This whole from beginning to end is just an absolute disaster.

When you drove away in the Pattiwagon, did people stand in the yard and wave to you?

Yeah. We said a prayer goodbye and there's a dog door, and I was like, actually, consider, I could climb through there and get out of here.

And how long were you in the clink?

Two months. No.

Are you serious? From the moment you got married, you sat in jail for two months?

Yeah.

For fucking weed possession.

Violating probation, upscaling him.

Holy shit. We added it up. He probably served in total two and a half years over other charges, always from less than an eighth of weed, probably. Yeah.

Out possession charges.

What a fucking waste of money. It was fucking insane. There's so many other fallouts from it, but just what a waste of manpower.

Two months right after the hour-long wedding.

Wow. So when you got out, then, of course, Sarah, were you there to pick Dan up? Of course. And did you go on a honeymoon?

We did, finally, get our delayed honeymoon. I've always given him so much shit for this day, but I've told him, Okay, it's worth it now. I get to meet Dax and Monica. I love them.

Well, you owe him a real big one, though. You really have some leeway to fuck up majorly and put them through it for a couple months.

That's how I knew she was a keeper, though.

Yeah, that's incredible.

Wow, man. Two months after that. That's insane. Improved In Provo, or did they send you out to Salt Lake or something?

In Provo, yeah, you go down south. Weed was just a big deal back in the war on drugs days, and they did not play around.

Were most of the folks in there with you also serving weed?

Yeah, it'd be rare. It was something like a DUI or anything else.

He got three visits a week. So of course, I was there every day that I could be. And the guards, at first, it's like a half hour visit. But as time went on, we had two hour visits. I think they were like, these guys are just in love. We're going to let him talk.

Oh my God. Wow.

This is a great story. You guys, this is weirdly one of the sweetest wedding stories we've heard at the same time.

It's romantic. You guys made it through. We did.

I was just thrilled she was still going to marry me, and it happened. The inmates, when I came back, they're like, Did you consummate your marriage? I'm like, No. Well, you're not really married. I'm like, Well, she's pregnant. I think we're good there, but still giving me shit about it.

That's so funny.

Oh, my God. What a story.

Great story. Mind-blowing. Thank you so much for sharing it.

Yeah, that was great. Thank you, guys.

Our pleasure.

Thank you.

Really nice to meet both of you. Yeah. Keep going strong.

Keep doing what you guys are doing. You're changing lives.

Okay, thank you, guys.

Bye.

Oh, wow.

That was epic.

Unexpected, a wedding arrest story.

I loved it.

And they get to hear them both.

It was really romantic.

It was. And her going, Well, hold on, Dan. There's the couples tell stories.

Great. It's so great. Twenty-five years. That's a big hurdle to overcome, and they did it.

Well, that was lovely.

Yeah, lovely arrest. Good job. Good job, everyone.

Trying not to get arrested. Love you. Love you.

Do you want to sing a tune or something? We don't have a theme song.

Okay, great. We don't have a song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're going to ask some random questions, and with the help of Armchairs, we'll get some suggestions. On the fly, rindish, on the fly, rindish. Enjoy. Follow Armchairs Expert on the WNDRI app, Amazon Music, or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to every episode of Armchair Expert early and ad-free right now by joining WNDRI Plus in the WNDRI app or on Apple podcast. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short wndri. Com/survey.