Transcript of The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast

Hey. It's your friend, Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast. You know, I've been in a really reflective mood lately. I'm always that way this time of year, and so I decided to just look back over the year and think about the moments on the podcast that had the biggest impact on me. You know, the ones where I was really moved or an expert challenged me to think about a topic in entirely new way, or they shared a tool that fundamentally changed my approach to something.

And so I've decided to gather up my favorite moments today and share them with you. And you're about to meet the 6 experts, and you're gonna hear the moments from the Mel Robbins podcast that fundamentally changed my life, and I promise you, they're gonna change your life too. Hey. It's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast. It is always such an honor to be able to spend time together with you.

And today in particular, I think our time is going to be extraordinarily moving. And the reason why I'm saying that is because I have been thinking a lot about the last year on the podcast, and I wanted to compile the top moments with experts on this podcast over the last year that truly moved me, that impacted my life, that made me look at a very important topic in life in a entirely new way that inspired me to change something, not just change it, but to change it for good. And so I'm so excited to be able to share with you moments with 6 experts that changed my life. And if you're brand new to the Mel Robbins podcast, somebody sent you this episode. This is an absolutely extraordinary episode to listen to as your very first episode.

I wanna welcome you to the Mel Robbins podcast family, and it's real honor to have you here. And I'm absolutely thrilled to be able to share these meaningful moments with you. Of course, there's no better place for me to start for me when doctor Doty hopped on a plane and flew all the way across the United States to join me in our Boston studios. And let me tell you a little bit about him, and then I'm gonna tell you about what you're gonna hear. Doctor Jim Doty is a pioneering Stanford neurosurgeon.

And by pioneering, I mean, the man has actually created a spinal surgery technique that has transformed spinal surgery. He's also a world renowned neuroscientist. He's founded a bunch of companies. He's also the founder and the director of the Stanford Center For Compassion and Altruism Research and Education and the former chairman of the Dalai Lama Foundation. Now doctor Doty was in our studios to talk about his work and research on the topic of manifesting.

That's right. We're learning about the process of manifesting from a neurosurgeon, and he just opened my eyes to the topic of manifesting in ways that I cannot wait to share with you because I believe in manifesting. But learning about how there are 4 different parts of your brain that you're using when you're manifesting, it was just mind blowing and empowering. So the first thing I wanna share with you from that conversation with doctor Doty is a story that he shared at the very beginning of our conversation, where he's describes being a 12 year old kid. He grew up in a house where there was a lot of conflict and fighting, and he would hop on his bike and rides his bike as far away from the stuff going on in the household that he grew up in.

And 1 day, he ends up at this magic shop, and it changed the trajectory of his life because of how the woman working in that magic shop taught him as a 12 year old. And I'm gonna play this in just a minute for you to listen to, but the reason why this is so important is that I believe that we are all equipped to help 1 another. In fact, I think that you're best equipped to help the person that you once were. And it's very clear to me that when this 12 year old version of Jim Doty walked into the magic shop, the woman working there saw a kid who needed someone to care, and that right there changed the trajectory of his entire life.

I walked into a magic shop and met a woman who looked at me as a human being. So many people make judgments about people, And they don't recognize the past or the the problems or the adversities they faced. And everybody deserves to be listed. So this woman in this magic shop, she was a radiant being. She had a smile, a presence that made you feel safe.

And this is a key, psychological safety, to downregulate your stress response. And she made me feel okay. She didn't look down on me, and I was 12. As a 12 year old, she looked at me as an equal eye to eye. And, that interaction with her changed the trajectory of my life because it changed how I saw the world.

Having somebody take the time to look

at you, see you, appreciate what you are, and, taking that interest, it's very meaningful, and I try never to take that for granted. And even and I hope every interaction, you understand that, a lot of people are suffering. They're carrying baggage from their past, and that baggage is limiting them. And oftentimes, just listening to somebody can profoundly change their lives because that's what people wanna be heard. And sometimes it's just hello.

Sometimes it's just a hug. So I always tell people never forget your own ability to change somebody's life and also to recognize that oftentimes how somebody is interacting with you has nothing to do with what's going on. It has to do with the baggage they're carrying. And so give people a benefit of a doubt. And so, you know, if you grew up in a background like mine, typically, there are 2 paths.

1 is the path you become an alcoholic, drug abuser, have mental health issues. The other issue, over excel. Right? Overachieve. Then the path of the overachiever gets bifurcated.

There's 1 group who say, nobody helped me. I did this all myself. I'm not gonna help anybody else. Then you have the other group, which I probably typified maybe excessively, where I understand the pain people go through, and very deeply. So, I'm very attuned to that.

It's

beautiful. You know, it really moved me to see just how in tune he is with this simple idea that everyone deserves to be seen. And I wanna underscore something, and it's this. Never forget your own ability to change someone else's life. I really do believe you have the power to help yourself and to help someone else.

And that's 1 of the reasons why I show up here every single week, and it's why I'm so grateful that you and I get to spend time together, because that's what we're doing. We're helping 1 another to feel seen, to understand the simple things that we can do to lift each other up. And so once I wiped away the tears, we got down to the topic that doctor Godi was there to talk about, which is manifesting. Now manifesting is something that I believe in, and it's not just closing your eyes and hoping that a pony shows up. Manifesting is the process where you intentionally align your thoughts with what you truly want in life.

And when you do it properly, you are programming your mind, your body, your spirit, your nervous system, your brain to help you get these things. Doesn't mean you don't do the work. It just means you're aligning your own body and mindset to help you do the work. And I love manifesting. It is a tool that I use.

But doctor Doty was the very first person to point out a huge mistake that everybody makes when they're manifesting. And he's a neuroscientist, so he can not only explain the 4 different parts of the brain that you're using when you're visualizing and when you're thinking about and allowing yourself to feel the things in your life that you want to have happen. But the major mistake that we're all making, oh my gosh. Wait to hear this. You're manifesting when you're stressed out.

Like, you're driving to work, and traffic's all backed up, and you're gripping the wheel, and you're closing your eyes as traffic's stopping. Like, I just want a beach house at $1,000,000. Doesn't work that way. If you're single and you're, like, constantly bummed and on edge and, you know, you you think dating's toxic and you're allowing some stranger who just ghosted you to deplete your self esteem, manifesting the love of your life, not gonna work. Doctor Doty said, and this is something I'd never known, that in order for you to manifest properly, you have to be calm, which to me makes sense, but it was also a revelation.

Wow. Who knew? Well, I guess we do now. And so I wanna bring you to the point where doctor Doty has explained, no. You gotta be calm, and this is the part people miss.

You wanna manifest something? You gotta get intentional about what you want. You gotta drop yourself into a calm state, and then that's when you start to write it down. That's when you visualize it. And so I I asked doctor Doty, you're like the king of this stuff, and you're a neurosurgeon and neuroscientist.

So tell us, what's your process? What do you do when you wake up to put yourself in a state to manifest? Because he had explained, oh, I manifest from the moment I wake up. I'm like, okay. Well, help us do the same thing.

And this is what he said.

So let me start with the morning first. Every morning, I wake up and I sit at the side of the bed and I do a breathing exercise. And the very nature of that breathing exercise shifts me into the parasympathetic nervous system.

And what is the breathing exercise?

It's just slowly breathing in through the nose, holding it for 4 seconds, slowly letting it out, and I do this for a minute or 2. You can sit. You can lay down. There's nothing that is prescriptive, and this is where people get lost about mindfulness practices. They somehow think you have to sit like a Buddha and do this and they get all anxious about it.

There's no reason to be anxious at all. It's just to find a a place where you feel comfortable. And then I go through this breathing exercise of slowly breathing in for 4 to 6 seconds, holding it for 4 to 6 seconds, slowly letting it out through the mouth. And then that shifts me into the parasympathetic nervous system or strengthens where I'm already at. And then I think of the joy and awe of being in this world.

And I just sit with that for a minute or 2, and that centers me, for the day. And if I'm centered looking through that lens, then that actually creates the environment for me to manifest because I am in the right mindset. I'm calm. I'm thoughtful. I'm thinking about others.

I'm not self focused, and the very nature of that allows me to manifest. Now I was gonna mention in the evening, all of us have goals. All of us have intentions. And you can prioritize them from ones that are mildly important, moderately important, incredibly important, and the time frames. And, and then you focus on them.

And what I will do is I will, again, write them down, whatever the top 3 are, and then I'll go through the exact same exercise I mentioned, which is to write them down, to repeat it silently, to repeat it aloud, to see it happening, and, and over and over and over again. All of those things strengthen the power and put you in the right mindset to have the greatest likelihood of you manifesting your intention. And the very nature of that puts you in the right mental state where you don't feel you have to hide yourself, where you don't feel that you have to put on a show for everybody about how successful you are, and where you're just feeling comfortable with who you are and accept yourself. And the hardest, hardest part for so many people is accepting themselves as they are, not be lost in how they want to be or lost in what could have been. And this is also a thing that distracts you from the energy you have to change things.

Because if you spend 80% of your time on the past and the future that hasn't happened, lamenting, then you can never be present to actually make things happen. And this is the key. You have to be present. You have to be authentic. You have to understand your past, and you have to understand that when you want something to manifest, yes, it is a future intention, but it's not something to get lost in.

It's something simply to sit with instead of be pathologically focused on. As an example, I'm sure you've seen people who have sacrificed everything to get to the top of the mountain. Well, they've sacrificed everything to get to the top of the mountain to stand there by themselves. What was the purpose of that? Our purpose in life is connection.

It's not to so be focused that you don't have any connections and you're walking alone. It's to connect with people. I mean, many, many of the aspects of what we're talking about are the journey with others, not necessarily standing by yourself.

I love that. I love that you can not only use neuroscience and these simple techniques to calm yourself down and then leverage the power of your brain to start to imagine the things that you want in your life. But that there's also this reminder that everything in life is way better when you're sharing it with other people. And that's why I wanted to start with doctor Jim Doty. I mean, I just have not stopped thinking about him since he walked out of our studio.

I feel like the exact same things that he's just shared with you about your ability to help another person is why you and I are here. It's why you're sharing these episodes, and it's why I'm so proud to call you my friend. And I'm also grateful that, you know, you you didn't see him if you're not watching on YouTube, but he's this tall guy with white hair and these big black glasses like mine. And you can tell he's just super confident. And if you saw him at a cocktail party, you would never say to yourself, oh, that's a dude that manifests.

So to have him sit down and be so emotional and moved by how much suffering there is, and how it doesn't have to be that way, That there are simple tools that you can use, like manifesting, like calming yourself down, that can help you change the way that you think. It can help you see bigger possibilities. It can help you ease your own suffering. And I just am grateful that doctor Doty took the time to be here to teach both of us that. And since 1 of my favorite moments ended with doctor Doty reminding us that the journey of life is something that we're doing with other people, That brings me to the 2nd person this year that has had a lasting impact on me.

And his work centers around how to be a better communicator in a way that brings you closer to people and allows you to have the hard conversations. Because the fact is, you gotta have hard conversations to make your relationships better. And that person that I'm talking about is none other than the amazing Jefferson Fisher. Now Jefferson Fisher is a seasoned trial lawyer, but he's gained millions of followers online because he sits in the front seat of his car in between his cases in court, giving straightforward, powerful communication advice. And what I love about Jefferson is he's got this just kinda soft spoken way of teaching you how to be articulate, and persuasive, and tactful, and to stand your ground.

And I've been following him for a long time, and I've watched him just explode on social media. And so I'm proud that he jumped on a plane from Texas. He came to our Boston Studios, and he taught you and me how the power of what you say and what you don't say shapes who you are, that your words matter. And he is just the king of practical insights when it comes to how do you speak up, When do you stay silent? What do you do if somebody's gaslighting you?

And my favorite topic that I covered with Jefferson is how do you actually set up a difficult conversation? Okay? And it turns out I've been doing it all wrong, and you probably have too. Because when you think about having to sit down with somebody and have a conversation that you're really nervous about and you know that's true because you've been avoiding it like the plague, you probably dance around it. Well, Jefferson says that's exactly what you shouldn't do.

And so I'm gonna have you listen to him.

I want you to imagine you're about to walk into somebody's office, and there's gonna be that hard conversation in the room. And let's just say it's a topic of something that is it's bad news. Put your mind wherever it is. And you walk in and somebody goes, so, so how are you? How are you lately?

You've been good? Pickleball games? Alright. Well, that's that's good. Well, your family's good?

Well, listen. Hey. I I have something that we've been talking about. And listen, I I know it's not that big of a deal. And I I want you to understand.

You're making me panic because I'm listening to you, Jefferson.

Because of that fear of the unknown, Mel, versus, let's say, the different scenario. Okay. You come in, say, thank you for meeting with me. Mel, I have bad news. You deliver that bad news.

Versus, this isn't gonna be a fun conversation. You say that. This isn't gonna be fun for us to talk about. This isn't my favorite conversation to have. You prepare them for it.

Often, you're afraid to disappoint people.

Mhmm.

And what that really is is you don't believe that they have enough emotional resiliency to handle it. So you need to to baby them to tiptoe into the water instead of dipping right in. And people will admire you more. They will see you as somebody with more respect and more confidence every time when you say what you wanna say fully.

I didn't even know what to say because he's right. And my entire life, I'm 56 years old. I have handled this wrong. Because first of all, if I have something hard I need to say to somebody, or I have to give somebody some difficult feedback, or I gotta sit somebody down and just tell them, yep, I'm not gonna do what you need me to do, or I don't wanna be in this relationship anymore. I do tiptoe around it.

I am afraid of the other person's reaction. Sometimes I don't even wanna deal with the reaction, and that's why I kinda do that thing where you try to, like, make it softer than it needs to be. But he's right. Isn't he? Imagine.

My favorite thing is this isn't my favorite thing to talk about. This is not something I wanna be having a conversation with you about right now. This is not going to be a good conversation. I have bad news. I mean, just saying that, you feel kinda powerful because you're just putting it out there.

And I love what he also reminded you and me of. It's true. People will respect you if you respect them enough to just tell them the truth. And when you tell somebody, hey. This isn't my favorite conversation, but I need to tell you the truth.

What happens is you're also saying, I believe in your ability to handle the truth, and I respect you enough to give it to you. And that was an eye opener for me, and I've been using it ever since. And so the next thing that really struck me about Jefferson and, you know, if you haven't heard the episode, the link is in the notes section in the show description wherever it is that you're listening to this conversation or watching on YouTube right now. That tone of voice that he has, he didn't modulate the entire conversation. There's so much power in being in control of your words.

And I don't know about you, but there are moments in life where somebody says something that's sort of like a backhanded compliment, or they are a little belittling. Like, oftentimes, I find that that happens a lot where people will make a remark about my success, and then they'll kinda cut Chris down, my husband, and be like, must be nice to have your wife pay all the bills. And I've never known how to respond, and neither is Chris when somebody kinda belittles you that way or says something backhanded. Well, now I do. Thanks to Jefferson.

And here's what he had to say is the way you need to handle it the next time somebody says something that you find offensive or belittling.

When somebody is belittling you or giving you a insult and a hurtful comment, you make them say it again. Because what they're hoping to do in that belittling comment is get that reaction out of you. And instead, you find a way to take all the fun out of it. So when you ask them to repeat what they said, you're not giving them that hit of dopamine that they were expecting from your reaction. They're not getting that that response time from you.

Instead, you're delaying that gratification for them. Then it's just not worth it. Then it's just not fun. And so when you ask them to repeat it, they say, I need you to say that again.

We need to role play this.

Sure.

I'm trying to think of a scenario.

Like you just said right there. You're still single.

I need you to repeat that.

Yeah. You so exactly. I'm not gonna wanna say that again because now that spotlight is on me. And then also what you'd lead up with that is you ask questions of intent. For example, did you say that to hurt me?

And now it's this mirror that they feel like, why did I say that? Oh, okay. And then they start to backtrack. Then you don't have to say anything. So if, somebody says to you, oh, so you're still single?

I need you to say that again. Most likely, they're not going to say that again. But if they do, then you can even repeat what they said. I'm still single. That's what you asked me?

And all of a sudden they realize this isn't fun. They're not gonna ask that kind of thing again. Wow. Or you just ask that question of, did you say that to embarrass me? Did you say that to offend me?

Oh, no. No. No. No. I didn't say that.

What what I meant was and all of a sudden they're backing away because they know you're in the steam, your ground.

Tell you what, we're all taking Jefferson Fisher with us to every family interaction because I don't we got instigators in our family. You know, the kind of people that oh, I'm just kidding. Oh, I didn't mean it that way. You don't need to be so sensitive. I love this.

I need you to say that again. I can't wait for somebody to turn to me and Chris and take a jab at Chris. Oh, must be nice to be married to Mel and not have to do anything all day. I need you to say that again. Are you saying that to belittle me?

No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. Like, all of a sudden, it's not that fun anymore. Man, I love Jefferson Fisher. Don't you love Jefferson Fisher?

He made a huge impact on my life this year, and so wow. Well, there are 4 more experts, we're just getting started, that have had a profound impact on me this year. And you're gonna meet them after we take a very short break so you can hear a word from our amazing sponsors. Don't you dare go anywhere because I got more of my favorite moments, and they're gonna be your favorite moments too when we return. Stay with me.

Welcome back. It's your friend, Mel Robbins, and today, I am sharing with you a few of my favorite moments from the last year on the Mel Robbins podcast. And these are moments with experts where I was either really moved or I learned something that fundamentally changed how I either deal with a specific situation or how I look at a particular issue. So we've already covered doctor Doty and the way that he has truly made you realize that you have the power to help someone else simply by being kind to somebody. He also told us that you gotta be calm if you're gonna try to manifest.

And that's not just advice, it's neuroscience. We also learned from Jefferson Fisher, simple things you can say to take your power back when somebody is trying to take your power away. I need you to say that again. I think I'm gonna talk in that slow kinda draw that he has. It just feels powerful, doesn't it?

Well, I'm gonna tell you what else is powerful, and that is when I got to sit down with doctor Rebecca Robbins. Now doctor Rebecca is a professor at Harvard Medical School, and she is a leading researcher on sleep and circadian rhythms at Brigham and Women's Hospital. Doctor Robbins has earned her PhD from Cornell and completed postdoctoral training at NYU and Harvard, specializing in sleep and circadian disorders. Now if you wanted to see her in her private practice, like, we're talking years to get into her sleep clinic. Her research is the research that people that write books about sleep are citing, so she is the OG when it comes to sleep.

And 1 of the things that I noticed immediately is her voice is so soothing. I mean, we need a sleep app with doctor Robin's voice on it. But she showed up and shared actionable science based strategies that are gonna help you have better sleep overall, that's gonna boost your energy, your focus, and your overall well-being. And 1 of the things that she talked about there are 2 moments that I'm gonna share with you that really changed how I think about sleep and what I do at night to get ready for sleep. And the first thing that we talked about is that, you know, I don't know what you're like, but 10 o'clock is my bedtime.

Do you know what time I climb in bed? 10 o'clock. Do you know what time I think I should be asleep? 10 o'clock. Like, I literally go from a 100 miles an hour running around the house to 10 o'clock.

I'm right in my bed. Doctor Robbins is like, major mistake. Check this out. 1 of my favorite tips for a

great night sleep is this idea that routine is absolutely queen. And we're really not meant to keep different sleep schedules as human beings. Falling asleep at 2 AM 1 night, 10 PM the next, understand how vitally important consistency is in our sleep routines because then our brain and our body starts to understand when it should be tired and, you know, prepare for sleep and when it should be awake. And then it allows ourselves to better organize ourselves and get a lot out of our sleep episode. The best sleep comes when we're getting keeping our our sleep times consistent.

So falling asleep at the same time and waking up as close to the same time as possible.

So is that takeaway number 1, that climbing into bed so you have a consistent time that you're signaling that you're gonna start the process of falling asleep and having your alarm ring at roughly the same time is 1 of the first things that we wanna do?

Absolutely. And I think we're slaves to our alarm clocks.

Yes.

But we don't really talk about the wind down times. Kind of like a fuzzy idea, fuzzy game plan. It's not a okay. 10:30 is when I'm going to start to power down. I'm going to get off my phone.

I'm gonna boil a cup of of small cup of tea, herbal tea, and then start my bedtime ritual and wind down routine, which is an essential part of sleep. We always think, you know, oh, you know what? Now now is time. Now now is now is feels pretty good for sleep, but it really takes time. You know,

just listening to her. I'm like, I know she didn't mean it this way, but I'm like, Mel, you dummy. Like like, why do you think you can sprint from the kitchen fully clothed in your clogs while you're texting your kids good night and turning off the lights and then literally do you get undressed by the side of your bed? I get undressed by the side of my bed. I do.

And then I climb in and then I lay there. It's like because there's no buffer. And when you hear her tell you the truth and the science about needing a simple wind down routine, it just makes sense. Doesn't it? And I thought, Mel, you deserve that.

I mean, on the nights where you take a bath, woman, you crawl into that bed just like you did when you were a kid, all swaddled up and warm, and you just whoo. You just fall right asleep. Why are you not doing this every night? And so I asked doctor Robbins. I was like, okay.

Yes. I'm in. I I want I want that cup of tea. I want that wind down routine. And so I said, you know, doctor Robbins is 1 of the leading sleep researchers on the planet in clinical practice running the sleep web, what is your wind down routine?

And just take a listen to what she had to say because I think you will never look at your evening routine the same ever again.

My wind down routine is 1 thing that I am very diligent about, and it's not complex, but I'm very diligent about the time. I do my best. You know, I try to get all my computer stuff done, and then I put my boys to bed. And then it's 8:30, and then I am switching my mindset, and it's time for mama to go to bed. And and there are days where I need to be working and plug back in.

But the best case scenario is my boys are down and then I do a couple maybe I clean up a tiny bit around the house. I start to turn the lights off, and then I go upstairs and I turn my phone off. I wash my face. I take a shower, and then I do 1 breathing exercise. I sit cross legged on the ground in my bedroom, and turning lights off as I kind of move into the bedroom, and I do 1 breathing exercise.

And I don't set an alarm, but I just kind of do it until I feel like I've gotten rid of that busy mind, you know, that has served me so well over the course of the day. And sometimes that's 5 times on busier, more stressful days. Sometimes that's 7 rounds of this. But it's the, the military breathing technique. So I breathe in through my nose for a count of 4.

I hold for 7, and then I exhale, purse my lips for 8. And those times are longer than you think. Right? The 7 and the 8 really like you're kind of fighting for the breath at the end. And that's the benefit of that technique.

It restricts and restrains the breath and can help calm the heart rate and calm your mind. And now while I'm doing that, thoughts are flying in because, of course, what I forgot to do or I need to do. And I come back to this idea of, no, not now. Now is my time. I've done things for my students, my partner, my kids all day, and now is my time to restore and relax.

And if anything, any thoughts are still fighting to the surface, I write those down at my nightstand. So I've done the 4/7/8 technique, and then I mosey into my my bed. I read a couple pages in a book. I do, progressive muscle relaxation. I clench and release every muscle group starting in the from the toes.

My inhale, clench, and then exhale release. And I really kind of add on to that something, like something that I'm letting go, heaviness or a thought that's not serving me. And then I say a prayer and I go to sleep. And it doesn't happen every night, but that's my ritual. And I use the word ritual purposefully because you wanna cultivate a ritual.

A ritual is something you do every time. And so it's thoughtful. It's, you know, 1, 2, 3, boom, sleep is next. For you listening, what are the 3 things that you can do tonight and tomorrow night and really institute as your ritual that you can ideally also take on the road when you travel? And be diligent, try to do those every single night because then what the brain starts to understand is what comes next to sleep.

Oh my gosh. So here's what I've done with that. I think about what are the 3 things that I can do every night no matter where I am, and I want you to think about these 3 things too. Take her invitation, because she did speak directly to you. What are 3 things you can do every single night that kinda become your wind down routine, that signal to you that it's time?

And for me, the first thing is I always draw a bath. Like, that's my new ever since doctor Robbins, I do not miss it. And in fact, when I go to a hotel, I beg for a room with bathtub. And I know that might kinda gross you out. If it looks kinda dingy, I'll just wash it before I climb into it.

But I love a bath. And if I can't have a bath, I'll take a shower. And when I start drying the bath or I turn on the shower, that's my signal to plug my phone in for the night and to just turn off the screen and leave it in the bathroom. And then I take the bath. And when I'm done with the bath, this may be getting a little too personal here.

I don't know if I should be telling you this. But I while I'm soaking wet, I put lotion all over my body because I feel like it locks in the moisture, and I want really smooth skin. So there you have it. There's my skin care tip. And then I just climb into bed.

I turn off the light. And before I drift off to sleep, the final thing I do is I put my hand on my heart and I close my eyes, and I think about 3 things that went really well today. Because your brain will find what you ask it to look for. And this kinda goes back to the doctor Doty manifesting piece that at the end of the day with this routine, especially after a hot shower or bath and without a phone anywhere near me, and now that I'm climbed into, like, my cozy sheets and I've got my hand in my heart, I'm calm, aren't I? And so as I go through the day and I think about 3 things that went well or 3 things that I'm grateful for, this is a form of manifesting because I'm training my mind to default on what's good, and that helps me continue to see things that are good.

And, usually, I kinda drift right off to sleep, but I think the most encouraging thing that doctor Robbins did share is that sleeping is a skill, and you can take intentional simple steps that she shares in that episode to learn how to be a better sleeper. That's available to you, and it's 1 of the core pillars of creating a better life. And so here's what we're gonna do. We are going to hit the pause. We're gonna hear a word from our amazing sponsors.

I want you to share this episode with people in your life that you care about, whether it's because they need to hear the part about manifesting or they need the strategies from Jefferson Fisher or they've been complaining that they haven't been getting a great night's sleep. I mean, the gift of the world's leading sleep researcher, It's free. Just share this episode and don't go anywhere because after you hear a word from our sponsors, you know what's gonna happen? I'm gonna kick it up a notch because we've got 3 more amazing people that I'm gonna introduce you to. 1 of whom is Trent Shelton, former NFL player, does not fool around.

Everything that comes out of that man's mouth is like a truth bomb meets a soul slap, whatever that means. But you know we're gonna be picking it up, and we're gonna be dropping the truth, and you are gonna feel motivated and inspired because Trent Shelton is coming next, and we're talking about your personal power. We're talking about protecting your peace, and he's gonna give you his 3 step guide to having better boundaries. So stay with me.

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Welcome back. It's your friend Mel Robbins. Today, I'm sharing my favorite moments with experts that appeared on the Mel Robbins podcast in the past year, and I've got 6 people that really touched my heart. They changed my mind. They gave me the tools that I needed to approach situations in my life differently.

And the next person that I'm thrilled to introduce you to is a very dear friend of mine. His name is Trent Shelton. Trent is a former NFL player, and he is also an extraordinary motivational speaker and New York Times bestselling author. Now I love Trent, and we're constantly texting back and forth and sharing ideas about business and life and parenting. And after his NFL career, Trent became a powerful voice in personal growth, and he inspires millions of people to claim their power and change their lives.

He reaches over 60,000,000 people every single week, and his book, Protect Your Peace, New York Times bestseller. He hopped on a plane and flew all the way from Texas and arrived in our Boston Studios, and holy cow. Like an NFL coach, he was ready to go. And what was the topic? He wants to set the record straight about what you're accepting in life and your power to change the dynamic between you and other people.

The power that you have to protect your peace. And so I want you to sit up straight and take a listen because I'm gonna pass the mic to my friend, Trent.

I'm a believer, and I'm sure there's exceptions to certain rules that people will consistently and continuously give you what you allow them to give you. I believe that you're in control of 2 things in this world.

What are you?

What you give, nobody can stop you giving anything and what you accept. So if I was like, Mel, this is a cup of poison, drink it. You wouldn't accept that. And it's crazy because I feel like emotionally, we accept so many emotional poisons in our life that we don't have to accept. Nobody can force you to accept it.

And the first thing it starts with, again, we go back to setting that boundary. Saying no. Boundaries are not walls to keep things out. We hear the word boundary, we think, oh, boundary's a bad thing and it's toxic and No, boundaries aren't walls to keep things out. Boundaries are bridges to let the right things in.

Oh, that was boundaries

are not walls.

They're not walls

to keep things out. It can be, if somebody makes it a wall, where they disrespect your boundary over and over, then it becomes a wall like, hey, I'm blocking you from my phone, leave me alone, I'm blocking you. But boundaries aren't walls to keep things out. They're bridges to let the right things in. That's in relationships, that's in marriage, that's like, it makes it more beautiful.

Me and my wife, we set boundaries with each other that makes it more beautiful. I give her her time on self care day. She gives me my time, my hours, and we're better for our kids and our family when we come back to that. Do I wanna every minute of her life? Yes.

I wanna no, I don't want you to go out there, babe, but I realized that's what she needs. Mhmm. Friendships, boundaries, your work, boundaries. And the thing that I see is that so many people aren't setting boundaries or they're setting boundaries and not standing on their boundaries. So, if you're the go to person for everybody else, but you can't go to anybody, set a boundary.

Say, hey, if you can't do this for me, I'm not doing this for you no more, unapologetically. If you're the person that's always being there for everybody, if you're somebody's 2 AM and they call you with all they problems, oh my gosh, then set a boundary, hey, you know what? If you're not gonna take my advice, don't call me no more with your problems. If I can't call you at 2 AM, I call you, you sleep, I'll get the do not disturb. Then set that boundary and boundaries aren't a mean thing, it's a necessary thing to protect your peace and to protect your energy.

Because as we said at the beginning of this episode, you don't give an infinite amount of energy to use like, no, it's a battery. If we're honest, some of us protect our phone battery more than we do our cell battery.

So true.

So to bring this back, set boundaries and look at boundaries as bridges and I think it will change your life when you ask yourself

what

you need. Can I give a 3 step process with that?

Please, let's go.

Number 1, when you're setting boundaries, first ask yourself, what do you need in your life right now? Write that down, whatever it is. Peace, I need sanity, I need better friends, whatever it is. Number 2, then ask yourself, what boundary do I need to set that will lead me to what I need? Okay?

Then number 3, which is probably the most important, why do I have to, not want to, why do I have to stick to this boundary and this boundary is something that I can't budge? And write that down, what is it costing you? I like to call it opportunity cost, what is it gonna cost you not to stick to this boundary? Your future, your peace, maybe you're a mom and you keep saying yes to everybody else and you're frustrated now your kids get that, maybe you're a dad and you're doing all the things and you can't be the man you need to be for your wife and your family? What is it costing you?

Because it's costing you way more than you think. Get clear on that and start there. You tell people how to treat you by what you accept. You tell people how to treat you by what you continuously accept.

That's right, Trent. And none of us wanna see that. Right? We wanna blame other people. But I love that Trent walked you and me step by step through how you can think about boundaries and why you need them.

And I'll tell you why. Because your peace is worth protecting. And the thing that I keep thinking about over and over and over again, did you catch that part where we talked about your energy is a battery? And that you spend more time trying to protect your iPhone and recharging your smartphone than you do protecting your own energy and recharging your own battery. And that's why I've come back to this over and over and over again.

It's also 1 of the reasons why I love the let them theory so much. Because let them when you say let them, you know what that is? That's a boundary. You're drawing a boundary and saying, I recognize that this is not a situation that I care to drain my energy over, so I'm gonna let them. And the second part when you go, let me.

Let me focus on what's in my control. Let me focus on what I wanna say, think, and do. Let me protect my peace and preserve my energy and recharge myself. That's boundary too. And so I just wanna thank Trent for giving you permission and showing up here with a level of urgency and honesty to say, you tell people how to treat you by what you continuously accept.

So let them and start focusing on yourself, because it's gonna make you a heck of a lot happier. And speaking of happiness, that brings me to the 5th person this year. I just find myself reflecting on this conversation a lot. Who am I talking about? Talking about doctor Tal Ben Shahar.

Doctor Tal Ben Shahar is a globally recognized authority on happiness. He's known for his groundbreaking research on goals, motivation, and well-being, and he also taught 2 of Harvard's most popular courses ever taught. And those courses are positive psychology and the psychology of leadership, making his work foundational in the study of happiness. He is also the best selling author of 8 books. That's incredible.

Where he distills complex psychology and practical insights and empowers people worldwide to pursue a more fulfilling life. Now he rolled into our Boston Studios, and I gotta tell you, I don't know what was in the air, but 1 of the reasons why I remember this, and you're gonna hear it in the best of bloopers at the end of this episode, is the cameras kept breaking. It was almost like there were poltergeists in the studio. I'm sitting here with the world renowned expert in happiness. He's got a big smile on his face.

Click. Camera turn off. Oh my gosh. We laugh. Click.

Camera turns off. Oh my god. It happened like 17 times. And you wanna know what? He's the real deal.

He just sat there smiling because he knows the meaning of happiness, and he taught it to us in the conversation. And it was in this conversation that he revealed the major mistake that I had been making around happiness, and you might too. Now I think I'm, like, a very happy person. I'm a very optimistic person. And up until this conversation, I had been trying to be a happy person.

And then he comes out of nowhere and shares this piece of advice. I learned that every morning when I would wake up and say to myself, oh, Mel. You're gonna be happy today. I was actually doing something wrong. Check this out.

Research done, quite quite recently by professor Mauss, m a u s, showing that if I wake up in the morning and say to myself, I wanna be happy or happiness is important for me or, it's value for me, I will actually become less happy.

What? Wait a minute.

Yeah. Really?

That that was exactly my reaction. That's a problem. You know? And and, you know, I read about this, you know, 5 years ago. And I said, but, you know, that's what I'm dedicating my life to.

Of course, happiness is important for me. And yet what the research clearly shows is that, this will make you less happy. So does this mean we should kid ourselves, say to ourselves, you know, I don't wanna be happy. Wink wink. I actually do.

Self deception is certainly not the path to happiness. So what do we do about it? Well, let me use an analogy that was very helpful for me in thinking about happiness. Imagine you go outside. It's a it's a beautiful sunny day.

Mhmm.

And you wanna enjoy the sun. So you look up at the sun directly. What happens? You hurt yourself. It burns.

It hurts. You tear up. So looking at the sun directly hurts. However, what if you take a prism and you break the sunlight and then you look at what has just been broken? In other words, the colors of the rainbow.

Then you can look at the sunlight and enjoy it. But you're looking at it indirectly. It's the same with happiness. Pursuing it directly and saying, I want to be happy. Happiness is important for me.

That that will make us unhappy. But if I break down happiness into its metaphorical colors of the rainbow and then pursue it indirectly, that is when I can actually become happier.

I wanna make sure you really understand the power of this metaphor. He's saying that if you and I stare intently at something that we think is gonna make us happier. Like, let's just say you're single, and you just think, oh my gosh. If only I can find the 1, then I'm gonna be happier. Or if I can make more money, I'm gonna be happier.

If I can find a house to buy, then I can I'm gonna be happier. That that kind of pursuit of it and this intense focus, it's the same thing as staring at the sun. It creates blindness, makes you miserable. You see all these dots. That's that's that's not gonna make you happy is what he's saying.

But when you break apart the sun through a prism, it casts a rainbow. And if you really stop and think about the power of that idea, the sun is a singular thing. When you break it apart through a prism, and it creates a rainbow of a full range of colors, think about the massive amount of possibility in that, that there are so many things that make you happy. That even if you think about the band of purple, that the band of purple in a rainbow, it's not just 1 color of purple. It's this just shades and different hues of purple.

What does that mean? What he's basically saying to you is, first of all, happiness is more than 1 thing. Happiness is made up of a bazillion different things that all come together to create this magnificent thing called a rainbow. Don't just stare at the sun. When you understand that it is comprised of so many things that are right around you and available to you, you don't have to go for it at all.

You don't have to stare blindly at 1 thing. You can just welcome it in and appreciate all that's around you. I mean, it's just such a cool concept. And so I said to him, because I started to wonder. Okay.

I really get this, and it's very much changed how I think about this. Because I can now have 1 thing that's going really badly. Like, I can have a horrendous day at work, or I can get very sad news. And then because I understand that the feeling of happiness in your life isn't the 1 thing, it's actually all things, that I still have the space to stare off at a sunset and allow it in. I still have the space to see my dogs playing with 1 another and to smile and to allow it in.

That it's not just the thing that you think that's gonna make you happy, that you can be happier now by allowing yourself to be because it's all around you, and it's in so many things that are right there. And so I was really curious. I'm like, okay. What does the professor who taught 2 of the most popular courses ever at Harvard, what is his definition of happiness? And so I asked him, and this is what doctor Ben Shahar had to say.

There are 5 elements to happiness. There may be more but 5 main elements to happiness k. Which, we call the spire.

The spire.

S p I r e. S stands for spiritual well-being. Yeah. Spiritual well-being is about, of course, we can attain it through religion, but we can also find it through, doing something that is meaningful to us, purposeful. By being mindful, by being present, we experience the spiritual.

That's 1 of the colors of the rainbow. So if I wake up in the morning and say, I want to be happy, I'll be less happy. But if I wake up in the morning and say, I want to find something which is more meaningful

to do,

or I'm going to meditate for 10 minutes now. That is an indirect way of pursuing happiness. That's 1 of the colors. So that's the S of SPIRE. The P of SPIRE, That's physical well-being.

Physical well-being is about nutrition. It's about, about rest and recovery, sleep. It's about, touch. It's about what we eat. That, of course, matters.

So if I start to exercise regularly, that's an indirect way of pursuing happiness. If I eat more healthfully, the same. Then we have the I of Spire. I stands for intellectual well-being. That's about, curiosity, about asking questions, about constantly learning, about deep diving, whether it's into a text or a work of art or nature.

And these are, again, all indirect ways of pursuing happiness. The 4th color of the rainbow, the r of SPIRE, relational well-being. Number 1 predictor of happiness, quality time we spend with people we care about and who care about us. So if I spend more time with my loved ones indirectly pursuing happiness. And finally, the e of SPIRE, emotional well-being.

Emotional well-being is, first of all, about giving ourselves the permission to be human. In other words, embracing painful emotions that are natural parts of any life, even a happy life, sadness, anger, frustration. Allowing these emotions to freely flow through us, paradoxically, actually leads to more happiness. So these 5 elements of happiness, spiritual, physical, intellectual, relational, and emotional well-being are the metaphorical colors of the rainbow. And when we pursue them, we're actually pursuing happiness indirectly and becoming happier.

I love that. I absolutely love that. I guess he must be 1 of the most popular professors ever at Harvard because I certainly learned a lot, and his perspective changed the way that I not only view happiness, but certainly how I experience it. While we're on the topic of happiness, let me just talk about something that can make you really unhappy, and that's not handling your money correctly. And it may surprise you that 1 of my all time favorite moments of the entire year happened to be when I sat down with a financial expert.

I absolutely loved getting to meet and learn from and spend time with the extraordinary, Tiffany Aliche. Now Tiffany flew into our Boston studios from Atlanta. I gotta tell you, Tiffany's a genius. Like, you are literally gonna learn you don't need discipline. You need automation.

She's gonna help you fight your humanness. She's gonna help you figure out what are your wants versus your needs. She's gonna make you think about a budget like your mother. She is also gonna tell you there's a moment where it's the truth time, tissues and tears, baby. But most of all, she's a realist.

She's been there. Her advice is hilarious, and it works. So check this out.

I want you to think about a budget. The way and what I say is, like, how you think about, like, your mom. Right? So you've got 3 kids. Right?

Yeah. And so if like, say your son's like, oh, when he's little, mom can I have dessert? You'd say yes after you have dinner. Or if your daughter says, mom can I go outside to play? Yes, when you do your homework.

Or, you know, mom can we go on vacation? Yes, if we lower this this you know, the light bill. So your budget is like your mom. She's there to say yes when, if, after. So it's really a say yes plan, but 1 that's safely implemented so you can maintain the thing that you want.

Right?

So you

can call it a money list. That's what I usually start with because people hate that name.

I like the name money list. Yes. What does a money list mean?

A budget.

Okay. I love this reframe because I hear the word budget and I hear no in restriction. Mhmm. And you're saying that the budget Mhmm. Is how you say yes to what's important

to you. It's not there actually to tell me no. It's there to find the yes in the safest way possible.

So for somebody hearing you say that Mhmm. And they're like, but I've never made a budget or I've never stuck to 1. Mhmm. I don't know what my budget should be. Like, where do you begin?

Step 1 is to write everything down. Just the words of what do I spend money on. Don't think about the month, just in general. So it's like, oh the kids, oh credit card, oh grooming, going out. Like just I want you to just write the words.

Don't think about the money, just words.

Okay.

So that's the first part. Step 1. Yes. Then step 2 is, now you say, these words on my money list, how much am I spending approximately monthly? Some stuff you'll know like your mortgage or your rent.

Some stuff you might not be sure, go pull out your bank statement and see on average the last few months how much you're spending on, groceries or eating out or grooming.

Or electricity. Mhmm. Or water. Yes. Or any of those things that you don't even really think, oh my god, I got that bill.

Exactly. So then that's within a month frame on average. Right? So that's step 2. K.

Then step 3 is to write down how much you make on average every month from all of your areas. So maybe you get alimony. Maybe you get child support. Maybe you have a job. Whatever that is.

How much are you making monthly? Then you add up Step 4, you add up how much you're spending monthly and subtract it from how much you're making monthly. I call that the tears and tissue step. Because usually people get there and they're like, can I have a tissue?

And should you do this with a friend? Yes. Should we call Linda? Yes. Get

your get yourself a Linda. Like, so so literally so I when I used to do 1 on ones, we would do all of that. And people would be like, okay. And then I I would literally just grab a box of tissues and just put it here because I'm like, it's about the waterworks.

It's coming. It's coming.

Here. It's coming. They added up. I remember it was a nurse. I'll never forget.

I'll call her b. And I came to her house and it was beautiful condo. And so we did that step and she started crying. And she was just like, I didn't realize how much over I was spending. And she said, as a matter of fact, I can't even afford the air condition.

That's all. Can I turn it off? And I was like, yes. Yes. So we sat with the fan on because she just turned on the air condition because I was coming over.

So I was like, turn off the AC. A fan is fine. That tears and tissue step allows you to see what do you

need to do now. And so let's say you've done that. Right? And you've made the money list and you see what's coming in and what's coming out. You're, like, faced with the reality.

Yeah. Tears and tissues. Yes. And you see that you are out spending every month what's actually coming in. Mhmm.

What is the next step?

The next step is I want you to categorize your expenses before you get to slashing and dashing. You know? Because that's what people wanna do. I won't eat out. I won't Yeah.

I'm never gonna eat again. Never gonna turn the lights on in this house. Get the candles.

So I'm like, categorize your expenses into 3 categories. 1, I want you to write a b next to all the bills on your list. So bills are, if you don't pay it, someone's gonna come knocking on your door and say, where's my money? Right? Yep.

So put a b next to all those things.

And give me an example. I know that sounds like a a basic question, but is your mortgage a bill?

Yes. Mortgage is a bill. Rent, car notes, your credit card, student loans. So if you don't pay, you're likely to be sued. Think about that.

Gotcha.

Like, when you were, like, standing at Walmart or Sephora,

and you're

like, yeah. I'd like 10% off this. And then you're like, oh, wait. That's a credit card. Yes.

That's a bill. Mhmm. Got it.

So Okay. A b next to all your bills. Okay. And then, and those are really like fixed expenses. So that way you understand.

Right? And then, I want you to put a u in front of any b that fluctuates based upon your usage. Oh, I love that. Mhmm. So I call these like the u stands for usage or utility.

So your student loan does not have a u. Mm-mm. Your mortgage or rent does not have a u. But the Water.

Water. Electricity. So your usage Yes.

The data on your phone.

Yes. And so it's important to separate those 2 because I want you to you'll see that I want you to understand the level of control you have on these expenses. And whatever is not a B or a UB, everything else is a C. C stands for cash or choice. Meaning that you have full choice of how you spend here.

So grooming might be left over. Groceries might be left over.

How much eating out with friends?

Yes. And so entertainment. And so now, before you get to slashing, I want you to ask yourself, where is most of your money going? For many people, most of their money might be going to the B's and UB's. Uh-huh.

But for some people, it's actually all the C's. Yes. So then I then we have to identify them. Do you have a don't make enough issue or spend too much issue? And so if most of your money is going to the b's and u b's, you might not make enough.

So it's not about slashing. Because these are your bills. You know? But if most of your money is going to your c's, your choices and your cash expenses, then you probably have a spend too much issue. So now we need to slash.

Yes. You know, because entertainment and grocery and and all those things where your money is going. Because what I find is that frugal people want to get more frugal when things are tight. I'm like, that's not the answer. Right.

You know, that instead, I want you to put your energy toward learning how to earn more if all of your money's going to your bills. Because we're what are we we're cutting the mortgage. What are we cutting? That's true.

You know, 1 of the things that I worry about, and I'd be curious to hear your perspective, is that you and I both had the experience of being in college. Mhmm. And it's that opening week. And literally at the opening registration fair, there were banks Mhmm. With credit card tables.

You get your Snickers bar when you sign up for 1, and then it's free money. But I worry a lot about the fact that in today's world, particularly for people who are in their twenties thirties, that social media

Mhmm.

Has become like shopping with a click. And you and I had to leave our house Mhmm. To go spend money back in the day. Yeah. And when I think about TikTok or Instagram, every other freaking suggested thing has a shop down button.

Mhmm. And stuff gets sent to your house. Mhmm. And have you seen a big increase because you've been doing this for a while Mhmm. In people in the spending category.

That spending has gotten so easy because of social media. It's always in your face. You always see what you're missing out on. There's an influencer that has the product for free who's like, this changed my life. It oh, click, click, click.

It's 11:30 at night. Yeah. So do you see a spike in this, or is it Absolutely.

Overconsumption is the new way. We all have so much that we don't need. I mean, even I sometimes I'm like, Tiffany, you do not need, like, another like, you don't even vacuum. And I'm like, but that 1 is so cool. You know?

And I'm like, like, this is influencer who I follow, who I love her because it's so esthetically pleasing. Yes. But, you know, the ones that we're, like, everything in the kitchen is esthetically pleasing.

Sees These Amazon shops. Like, yes. And click through to my Amazon chain. So they got this all for free, but

I'm gonna

make money on you buying it.

A container for the container. Yes. It's like, well, who wants to eat cereal out of a cereal box? We wanna eat it out of a esthetically pleasing glass container. Yes.

Like do I need an esthetically pleasing? You don't. Yes. You know, so it is really hard. So that's why I don't believe in leaning so heavily on discipline when it comes to financial, like stick to it it ness, you know.

What do you believe in?

That I believe automation, automation, automation. That's the new discipline. That if we can put systems and automations in place, it will help to safeguard you because you're human. Yeah. So we're not here to fight against your humanness.

Right. You know, I'm like for budgeting for example, I do this thing where I call it budget without a budget. You go to HR. You say, hey HR or payroll. I want to split my money before I get my money.

Oh, so you at your

Company. Company level.

Yes. You basically say Mhmm. X percent Yes. Of my paycheck is gonna go into checking account. Do you have a particular percentage in mind?

Well, the good thing is people ask me though all the time. I'm like, well, we don't have to guess. Money list is right there saying Oh. Hello. We know how much you need to put in here.

You know, as I'm listening to her, I'm just smiling. Doesn't she make you wanna do a budget? You better believe she does, and she's gonna help you automate it because you deserve to get good with money, and she's gonna help you out. And so I hope that is a episode, and that segment is something that you share with everybody that you love because everybody needs to hear it. And it's fun to listen to.

But that wasn't the moment that just rocked me to my core. It was at the very end after we had spent an hour and a half talking budgets and bills and bankruptcy and automation, I asked her, do you have any final parting wisdom that you'd like to share? And I did not see this coming.

Well, I don't know if

you know this, Mel, but 2 and a half years ago, my husband passed away suddenly. I did not know that. From an aneurysm.

So

That sucks. And so 1 thing I learned from that, aside from the financial component which is that we did, I want to say 85 to 90% of the things right. So I get to just miss him. There's not the financial ruin that someone needs. So many women lose their partner and their home.

So that has not been the case for me. But what I did, what my therapist calls the gift of grief is that it gave me perspective of what's really important. You know like, that all of this that you're learning today is not for money's sake. It's for meaning's sake. You know?

Like I hope you remember to put that first and center that like, what is the real thing that you're wanting? To what end? Time with family? Time with friends? You know like purpose whatever that is to center that and to use the money to match to it.

Because you might already have enough. You know, I didn't know I had enough. I was like the driver like oh babe we could do this and he'd be like well I like our house. You know, oh we could get car, you know, if I work even harder. He's like well the car's paid off.

I like our car. His thing was always because I have a stepdaughter Alyssa. He would always be like well if Alyssa's good and you're good, I'm good. You know? And it took for him passing away to make me realize that it's enough.

Like, I have enough. I spend way more time with family and friends and now you know, like so all that I work toward is to just bring back to center to enough. I don't need to collect any more like, you know, I'm I'm so happy my book made the New York Times bestsellers list. But honestly, like what does that even mean? You know, we're here for flash in the pan.

And how will you spend that time? And I hope you spend it like, on the things that mean the most. Connectedness, love, purpose. And they use your money as 1 of the tools to help you achieve that life.

You are a gift to all of us. Thank you. Thank you for absolutely everything that you poured into us today. What's coming up for you?

I just miss him.

He was a really good man.

He still is. And he's really proud of you. It sounds like he taught you something that he could not teach you when he was still here.

So much, honestly. Like I look back and I'm just like, I mean candidly, I said this was so many women who are looking for partnership. My husband never made over $60,000 a year. And yet the way he looked after, like all of us, I mean, he called my parents more than I did. You know, like he would like cut my nephew's hair.

When he passed away, there was a little old lady down the street who I'd never met, who knocked on my door and said, I heard the gentleman here passed away. And I said, yes. She said, you know, he'll, I'll really miss him. He used to rake my lawn. And I didn't even know that, but that's how he was.

You know? Sometimes I think that we think more money, like means that we can do more. And he was testament that that's, you don't need you can show up fully. So I just Yeah. He just I just It's a lot.

The loss is great, but not just mine. You know what I mean? Yeah. And so like But I'm just so blessed to have experienced that kind of love. I was loved so so so well that even without him being here, that love still resonates, like, through me and around me and the the people that he touched.

So just really fortunate.

We're really fortunate that we have you. Thank you for sharing that. Thank you. You're welcome. I I feel very grateful that you are now my friend.

Thank you. Thank you. And the thing is is that when you don't understand money, and you were gonna make me cry, when you don't understand money and you're really scared about where you are, it clouds everything that's important. Yeah. Until it

comes crashing in your face and you waste

it, like, you know And you spend all your emotional energy in that shame. Yeah. And you not only miss the solutions, but you're not present for your life.

Yeah. Because it can like, you know, there's so much joy to be had even if you don't have like it's if you don't have enough for your basic needs, obviously. That's really hard. But for many people that's actually not the case. Yes.

You know, that we are making ourselves sick and unhappy from a place of like you actually have enough And your kids are right here. They wanna play with you. You know, like you actually have enough and your wife wants to like watch a movie with you. You know, your parents wanna see you. You actually have enough.

And it's not gonna be until they're gone and you're like, I wish I would have, you know? Yeah. And so like, I'm fortunate that I something in me I mean, I believe in the divine power. Like the and a year and a half of before Drell passed away, it was like this sense that came over me. Like, you need to spend a lot of time with your husband.

Like, he wasn't sick or anything like that. I just was like because I just was working so much. I mean, my business had hit 8 figures in a year, and I was like, oh. And then something was like, yeah. I'm making a lot, but also it was taking a toll.

And it was like, I think you need to slow down and like focus here. And so I did till the last year and a half of my marriage went from good to great. And I'm so grateful that I listened to that interview. Yeah. That's the Tiffany.

So we had like Friday, date nights. I didn't work on Fridays. And I would stop working at 5 because he got off at 5 so we can hang out after work. I wasn't doing that before. I used to work from like 7 to to 10 every day regardless.

And so I look back at the time and I'm so grateful. You know, that like, he always loved me well and I got to really love him well in that time, you know? And so, there's not much I regret other than I just wish he was here, obviously. You know, but I think about our love. I think about all the things that we did together.

That's beautiful. You know, so Yeah. But it's just Yeah. I'm sorry, guys. I know Why are you apologizing?

No. Because I just don't wanna bring the energy down.

You didn't. You lifted it up. Thank you. You made it way more important, honestly. Thank you.

No. Thank you. Thank you. It wasn't just a moment that moved me. 1000 of you took the time to write to me about it.

I'm not even talking about the number of you that commented on it or that left reviews about that episode or shared that episode with people that you love. Thousands of you from around the world took the time to write to me at mel robbins.com. I mean, within days, they just came pouring in. Comments like this 1 from Jennifer. The last few minutes of this hit hard.

My husband was a financial advisor for a large firm, and he had a lot of similar philosophies as Tiffany. My husband also passed away last year. When she broke down, I felt it hard. She is so right about spending money on memories. I'm planning a big trip, an expensive 1, with my sons because we've gone through a lot with the loss of their dad.

It will be so worth every penny because we will remember it forever. Our family was so focused on saving and paying off debt that we didn't make those amazing family memories when he was alive. And I don't wanna leave this Earth without my kids having those memories with me. It makes you really stop and think, why are you working so hard if you never stop and allow yourself to actually enjoy it? I will never forget that conversation with Tiffany.

And it has fundamentally changed the way that I think about money, the way I think about the importance of memories and time with the people that you love while you have it, and slowing down and allowing myself to enjoy the time that I have. That rainbow that doctor Tal Ben Shahar was talking about. Because as I often say, there's an invisible clock that none of us can see. And so while you still got the time, I deeply, truly hope you choose to make the most of it. I wanna thank you from the bottom of my heart for spending so much time with me this year.

It's such an honor to be together with you, to take walks with you, to ride in the car with you. And I do not take your trust or the fact that you spend your time and your energy with me lightly. It is 1 of the greatest gifts that I've ever received in my life, and I'm gonna do everything I can to make everything that we do next year even more amazing than the topics that we covered this year. And in case no 1 else tells you, I wanted to be sure to tell you that I love you, and I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to create a better life. And 1 of the things that is extraordinarily clear from

all of

the experts and the time that we've spent together this year is that allowing yourself to enjoy what you have is 1 way that you can create a better life right now. Alrighty. I'll see you in the next episode. Okay. Well, hold on a second.

Here we go. Hold on a second. Let's save this for let's get started.

That is a Buddha. Water? That's a And that's a Buddha centered on the pool, so you see it as you walk in. Way. And it's a headless Buddha.

Why headless?

Because it reminds you to not get lost in your head. So

Mister, I don't really know what I'm doing.

Well, having complete lack of knowledge is actually a a a benefit oftentimes because you're not restrained by other people's opinions.

You know what? I'm gonna actually use that quote. You're pretty cool. I think we're supposed to be friends.

I think we already are.

Oh my god. Okay. Tonight, we're getting sleep. Tonight, we're we're sleeping. I love that.

Oh my god. That was that's what you're pulling up top. Right? I the second she said that, I would have been like ding ding ding ding ding ding ding. You know, like

Amazing. Okay. Let's smell. Let's

know. Oh my god. Are you guys ready for us? Yeah. Sorry.

I'm just on. Here we go. For our cameras rolling, I should probably wait in case I say something in Okay. Okay. I'm on?

You're on. Great. And as soon as the tele all audio only. You know what? Do you guys have a cloth for these things?

I don't know about your glasses.

Always.

It's like, how the hell do they get so dirty? Do you think we touch our glasses a lot and we don't realize it?

We do.

Around the world. Do you hear that again?

I think it was just that 1.

That 1?

I think.

You know, you you Yeah. I know you you know did you hear that?

Thank you.

We're gonna keep going.

The thing that I found

His did not turn off. That 1 did.

That 1 did. Yeah.

That 1, it did. Oh, lord. Okay. This is hilarious.

If I should have stopped, but

That's amazing. The camera iPhone.

So the

That was good. Sorry.

Just

Did it just turn off?

Also, great job.

High 5.

There we go. Perfect. Perfect. Perfect. Okay.

This is great. Okay. Here we go. I was looking at It looks fantastic. Here we go.

Okay. Hold on a second. Hold on a second. We gotta go back up. Let's skip it.

Let me just do 1 thing real quick. Okay. You're right. Will you take it all the way till after the break?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Just jump into there. Okay. You're the best. Are you cool?

Supposed to be is a break there. Right?

Yeah.

I thought so. Okay. I was just like, nothing I was supposed to

say anything.

She's calling. You say anything you want. I

wasn't sure.

Portal is open, baby. Portal is open. The magnet. What? Oh my god.

Trent. Oh my god. That work? Okay. Alright.

Great. I gotta wait for my action, though. Action. Alright. Are we good with that?

Is the garbage truck done? You're not done, bud. We're just gonna keep going. Okay. Go for it.

And go up a little bit more. I'm sorry. I should say bad, shouldn't I? Is that good? Yeah.

Is that simpler? That stuff, like, flies over my head when people start talking about that. Okay. I'm gonna do 1 more. Sorry.

Including. Okay. Sorry. Go up 1 more time. 2,000,000 people to be exact.

Save million oh my lord. Let me go back.

Oh my gosh. You obviously like, there was that movie, Friday? It's no. What is it? Is it called Friday?

No. What's the movie with, Regina George? Oh my god. I have, like, the worst, like, old lady memory. They're like, get in, loser.

We're going to the mall. That's great.

I can't remember what this

of course, someone Yes. But we're

not going to the mall.

Yes. We're going

to the mall.

Spending money. It's like, get a loser.

Get a loser. Yes.

Whoo.

Oh, and 1 more thing. And, no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language. You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes.

I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode.

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