Transcript of How to Handle Difficult People: 7 Psychological Tricks to Read Anyone, Spot a Liar & Stay in Control New

Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. Is it just me, or are people being ruder, acting more entitled, or flat out lying to you and having zero shame about it? There's always going to be difficult people in your life, but it feels like there are more and more of them every single day. Don't you agree? And I know I'm not alone in feeling this because I see your questions rolling in at melrobbins.com, and I see all your comments on YouTube and Spotify. You're tired of dealing with difficult people, and you're looking for very tactical strategies. How do you read people? How do you protect your energy? How do you spot a liar? How do you not get sucked into other people's drama? How do you stay in control so that you don't get baited or manipulated or played by somebody who's difficult? Just this weekend, I was so frustrated with a particular person in my life that I went back and relistened to an episode with Evie Pomporus, a former U.S. Secret Service agent who was also a member of their elite polygraph unit, which basically means She is a human lie detector who's been tasked with using science-backed techniques to be absolutely sure if she was getting the truth or not, if somebody was trying to play her or they were acting straight up.

I re-listened to the episode that she appeared on and I was like, oh my God, these strategies are so good. I feel so much more powerful. I'm gonna have better boundaries and be able to spot all these liars and manipulative people. And I thought, I have to share this with you. I mean, based on the state of the world and how so many people are behaving right now, you need to listen to this because she's going to teach you all about body language, how to spot a liar, dealing with manipulative people, and something so fascinating called paralinguistics, which is how you can spot the truth that is hiding in someone's tone, pacing, and pauses. Because as you're about to learn, it's not what people say, it's how they say it that matters. And I want you to stay to the very end because Evie drops this one takeaway that is one of my favorite pieces of advice that any guest has ever given on this show. It is so helpful because it relates to how some of the most manipulative people in your life are the ones you're close to, and you have to deal with them every day.

Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. I am so excited that you're here. It's such an honor to be together and to spend this time with you. And if you're a new listener or you're here because somebody shared this with you, I just want to take a moment and personally welcome you to the Mel Robbins Podcast family. Today, holy cow, are you listening to an extraordinary episode because you're going to learn psychological tricks to read anyone and spot a liar. And there's nobody better to teach you than Evi Pomporus. She's a former U.S. Secret Service special agent serving in the elite polygraph unit, trained to detect deception and to read behavior. Now, that experience made her one of the most fascinating experts in the world on human behavior, communication, and how to stay calm and in control under pressure and around manipulative people. Evie has protected and worked alongside 5 former U.S. presidents during high-stakes assignments. She's a trained interrogator and behavioral specialist who has spent her career studying what people do, what they say and what they reveal when the pressure is on and the stakes are high. She is the bestselling author of Becoming Bulletproof, and I am so excited for you to experience this life-changing conversation.

So let's just jump right in at the beginning. Evie, welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast.

Thank you, Mel.

I have been admiring you from afar and online like a stalker that the Secret Service would take out. I'm so glad to be sitting here with you. I'm very Very humbled.

Very humbled. Thank you for saying that.

Here's where I want to start. Could you tell the person that is listening to us right now, how does learning the skills that you're going to talk about, like knowing when somebody's lying to you or displaying confidence, how does that change your life?

So all these things, confidence, reading people, that in and of itself, it makes you steady and makes you grounded. So I think that that's where a lot of this is going to lead people to. A lot of the stuff I share are things that were taught to me by very exceptional people that helped me on my path and still help me to this day.

You have a remarkable career. So when you were a little girl, were you like, I wanna be in the Secret Service?

No, no. Like I was like, I'd get pulled over by cops. I'm like, who's this bozo? Literally in my head, I may have even verbalized it. Nope. Didn't know anything about law enforcement. My family was not in it at all. I know sometimes people have a plan. I never had a plan.

How did you even get into this career?

So there I was on the subway, I'm going downtown Manhattan to a job that I got right outta college. It was underwriting for AIG. I don't know if they're still out there. If you are, I'm sorry, but not for me. I was in a cubicle sitting there and I'm thinking, I'm like, I can't, I can't do this. And so the subway doors open, literally, maybe I'm on that job Several weeks, 2 months, subway doors open, cops hanging out, his beer belly, 'cause back then they had beer bellies. I see the guy, I'm like, psh, I can do that literally. And so I go home that night, 212 recruit, I call 'em like, hello, you guys hiring? No clue what I was doing, zero. And I just went with it. I, I, so I, one thing I've never been afraid to just go and figure it out. That's how my journey started. And from there I was like, oh, maybe I could do FBI, DEA, CIA. I actually apply to all of them. Secret Service was the one who hired me first.

What I find fascinating about that story is that everybody who doesn't feel like they're in the right place in their life thinks that you're supposed to know what you want. And oftentimes I find it's, it's just knowing what you don't want. And you knew, I don't want to be in that cubicle. And I love the metaphor of the doors opening because I think your life can change like that.

Oh my God, I didn't even think of that with the doors opening.

Yeah, and you walked through it. And I would imagine that what you would see over and over and over again, both in your training for the Secret Service and as you were an agent working on some of these elite units in the Secret Service, that things do change in an instant. Which is why it is so important to take everything that you're about to teach us today to heart. What are some of the big takeaways that you have that are important when it comes to the way that a US president or somebody at that level of success and power thinks and acts?

So I was very lucky because I was around 3 current sitting presidents. I started when Clinton was actually still president, but then you're also around the former presidents. So you get like kind of dished out to help with those. And then also foreign heads of state. So when foreign heads of state come to the US, you're around them. You don't realize it, but you, you become what you're around. And so as I was around them, like you would watch the way they would move, the way they would deal with problems, the way they would deal with people. I think probably the most remarkable thing I would see is you'd be with the president, whichever one it would be, and we'd be literally in the White House and they'd have screens in different areas and you'd be standing there and he'd be right there and there'd be a screen up and, of the news and like they'd be just be destroying him. He's an idiot, he's this, he's that, right? Whichever channel it was depending on whatever president was 'cause it changed. And he'd be right there. Most of us would be like, oh my God, I can't believe they're saying this about me.

I can't get outta bed. And that could not fly. So I really learned resilience and I learned not to take things personally. I think that's probably the best gift. I think people today, and a lot of times when people approach me, they'll tell me stories like they really go through it. It's not to invalidate what they say, but everything can't penetrate your soul. Like it just can't, you know? And I learned to understand what mental armor is and to understand what you can and can't allow in. So resilience is key. I never saw a US president like lose it, break down, get into the fetal position, none of it. Like they always held their grace. And so the second thing I learned is to lose well, like have class when you're losing. Have class.

Evie, I wanna stop you right there and make sure that the person listening really gets the takeaway, because I love what you're teaching us. So number one, you said everything can't penetrate your soul, that you get to decide what you allow in and what you don't. And I can see that mental armor, right? Mental armor going up and really kind of protecting your emotions is a way that you put up this force field and you don't let the outside in. It's almost as if you're teaching us the importance of being your own Secret Service agent.

Yes.

Where you observe, but you don't let it penetrate you. I freaking love that. That makes you more emotionally resilient. Second thing that you have taught us by being around all of these world leaders and seeing what you've seen is learning to lose with grace. That when you don't let your emotions get the best of you, when you have some class, when you are able to make a bad decision and not just beat yourself up, or you're able to lose— 'cause you are gonna lose in life.

Yes.

But you have grace about it. It's a way for you to build strength emotionally where you don't just, like, have everything destroy you. And I love these lessons. And so I just wanted to make sure that— The person listening or watching us got them. And I've got a follow-up question. What else did you learn from the world leaders that you were protecting while you were in the Secret Service in those big and small moments witnessing their lives professionally and personally every day?

I also learned less is more. Like, listen, pay attention. The other thing I also learned is ask for help. Like the president is not expected to know everything. And I think we think I have to know everything because if I don't know everything, then I'm not smart, I lack confidence, I'm, you know, people see through me, yada yada. And what I learned is they're very good at delegating. I don't know everything, but you are the Secretary of Defense, so you tell me how many men I need and what, you know, weapons we should be sending. You're the Secretary of Treasury, then you advise me on the currency inflation and all that. So I learned that I didn't have to know everything, but I learned that you have to be a good manager and delegate and ask for help. Like, there, it's not a weakness.

Based on the way that you're describing all these stories and the way that I personally just imagine what life as a Secret Service agent must be like, and I'm sure as you're listening to Evi, you're also like kind of conjuring up these images. It sounds extraordinarily stressful. How do you manage your stress? Because I would imagine that you're kind of in a constant state of stress when you're in this kind of high-pressure job.

You prepare so much to put yourself in these situations, but you also make peace. Like, there's an understanding that something could go wrong today, something could happen. Anytime you got into the follow-up, which is the vehicle that was behind the president's limo, and you would armor up and you would have your weapons, I think that those were very vulnerable situations where somebody could attack the motorcade. So the motorcade, whenever it was in movement, that was like where it's the most vulnerable. So anytime you're moving, you're the most vulnerable. So I think those points were kind of like, you have those moments where you're like, all right, everything's okay. And I mean, And whenever something was wheels up, meaning your protectee was up in the air, you, you were kind of like, okay, he, he, he, he didn't die on my watch. Because there was always that psychological thing that you— I don't want to mess up. I don't want to make the wrong mistake. I don't want to make the wrong call and then have somebody else's life on my shoulders.

Did you have any techniques that you used? You're sitting in the follow car, you're armored up, you got your weapons in your hands. You're like, this is my watch. Don't let anything happen. Don't let anything happen. Don't let it. 'Cause I would imagine you would just be on high alert the entire time, ready to go. How the hell did you keep yourself calm and centered when you're in that situation?

'Cause I'm in a truck with dudes who make terrible jokes. Like they just make the dumbest stupid jokes. Like, hey, Papadopoulos, like you couldn't even say my last name. I'm like, it's Pompous. Yeah, whatever. You know, we would laugh. You had to laugh. Everything can't be so heavy. If it's heavy, like you're just not gonna make it. So I would sit and I would listen to them. And if I tried to say something, shut up, Papa Rafa, let's make sure like we don't get shot at or whatever. So I was around people who carried themselves well. And so I carried myself well. I learned from that. They're steady, I'm steady. It's humor and lightness to create the calm and ground. But at the same time, I'm looking, I'm looking, I'm looking, I'm looking. And then there were times where you couldn't joke around where you were in a movement or something and you really just had to be present. And I think maybe that job and certain intense activities we do, when you're fully present, you don't have time for your mind to wander. Sometimes afterward, you're like, oh, man, that was heavy. But in that moment, you find your ways.

But also, Mel, they've put you in really bad situations in training. They don't just put you out in the world, hey, let's see how she's going to do. They really try to stress you out in training. Repeatedly to see how you're going to react. And even then, even then, you don't know how somebody's going to perform in a real life situation. There's times like the person you would expect to just fly through something completely falls apart, and then someone else who you think like, ah, she's gonna be a mess, like, holds her ground. So you don't know what people are made of until they're truly tested.

I think that's true. Everywhere. In life and everywhere.

Everywhere.

I would love to learn more about how you were trained to be a human lie detector. You served on this elite polygraph unit for the Secret Service, and you went through training to truly understand whether or not somebody is lying, to pick up on body language, behavioral clues. Can you tell us a little bit about the training and what you learned? In terms of detecting whether or not people are lying?

Yes. Well, I didn't wanna do it 'cause in, in the service there was only like 30, they call 'em examiners. And it was a massive load because they went to you when they had really hard cases. So the responsibility was heavy. And so not only are you doing a polygraph and interviewing, then they're all watching through the class and you're thinking, man, I, what if I don't get anything? What if I don't deliver? So I was like, nope, nope, nope, don't want it. And I, I truly, I thought, nobody would talk to me. I thought I would not be good at it. And I remember like there's a, I think it was called a bid where it's like, position's open, put in your name. And it was open for 2 weeks and I waited till like 15 or 30 minutes before it closed on a Friday, like 4:45 PM before I put my name in. And I for sure, I was like, I'm never getting this. And when I got it, I remember having like a exsqueeze me, like me, 'cause there were military, —guys with military experience, more senior people who put in and they didn't get it.

And so I was really surprised when I got it. So when you go through that, the selection process, then they send you to— it's called the Department of Defense Polygraph Institute. It's a military facility, actually. It's at Fort Jackson. I know they changed the name now. They call it NACA. But you're there and you go through schooling, biology, psychology, like graduate level courses, and you'll do biology in a week and a half and you have to take a midterm and final. It was intense. I remember first when I first went, I thought, you know, they're like, here, read this textbook in biology and then next week you have a test on it. And I was like, psh, these dudes are lying. It's gonna be open book for sure. There's no way they expect me to memorize this textbook. And then sure as shit, I go in the next week and I'm like, this is not open book? And they're like, "No, what did you think you were doing here?" So that part was hard. We had pharmacists coming in to teach us, which I thought was really cool because when people, especially when people are under the influence of drugs, which a lot of the people I would have to interview would be, they were not always of, you know, sound, you know, mind and body because of the element of like crime and whatnot.

So I had to learn what drugs did what things to people. And so I became like this, like expert in pharmaceutical drugs. So that was pretty amazing. And then they teach you how to, I don't wanna say confront, but how to deal with lies, how to confront someone, how to deal with people who disrespect you in the room. And we also did practice, a lot of practice. And then the service also wanted me, they encouraged me to get my master's in psychology, forensic psychology as well. So I think all those things together help me understand people and human, human behavior.

So before we get into the strategies and tactics, can you explain why does body language matter when it comes to whether or not somebody is lying to you?

Look, it does and it doesn't. The research goes back and forth. A lot of researchers will be like, body language is BS when it comes to detecting deception. It's true, And it's not true. Here's what I know. People give off cues. Okay. Right? So I'm hanging out with you. Like we met before. I'm paying attention to Mel, how she walks, how she hugs me, like you hugged me. You're base— so I get like a baseline on you, right? I start to, in the few minutes I get to know Mel, I get her, I get her baseline.

And what are you looking for when you're assessing a baseline? Because anybody could use this. You could use this on a first date. You could use this in a business meeting. Everywhere. Okay, great. So let's start with a scenario where you're walking in and you're about to meet somebody, and I want to just get a baseline. What are the data points I'm kind of looking for if I want to size somebody up?

Okay, so I'm not sizing you up, so, but I'm going to use Mel because Mel, Mel, Mel, we're using Mel. So when I walk in, Mel, immediately you come over. Yep. You're open, right? You weren't holding anything in your arms. You didn't have your arms crossed. Like, you you were very open and welcoming. So immediately you see me, you didn't even, you know what else you didn't do? You didn't try to be busy in a corner somewhere and let your peers come over to greet me first. Like Emily met me at the elevators, but that was it. As soon as I walked in, actually you came right away, Evie. So it's not like your team started handling me. So to me right away, I'm like, she's very comfortable. She's very confident. She's very warm and welcoming. Immediately I'm like, I like her. So, but you feel people, do you not? Do you not feel people's vibration too? Like the essence of what they give off.

I think that's 100% right. And what's interesting about you reflecting back on just the— that literally 10 seconds was that today I'm exhausted. I mean, we've been hosting my parents, we've got all kinds of stuff going on. I'm more tired than normal. I was up late talking to my daughter in Los Angeles who's going through like a really rough thing right now. And so I I am happy to hear that I just instinctually walked over to you and that the experience for you was that I was open, I was warm, because I know that's who I am. But I didn't think about how I would greet you. And so it's interesting to hear how many data points you had in that short interaction. And also, it is true. I think we walk in and you feel the energy of someone. And if it's warm and inviting, you're immediately at ease. But if somebody is a little stiff or crossed arms or formal or tense, then you start to go, oh my God, something's wrong with me. You know, like, I think we reflect it back on ourselves. What's wrong with me? Yes.

Right. So what should we do instead? I think quiet and just— so here, you're going to absorb people. Now, I'm not talking about empathy where you take everybody's stuff on and then you feel like garbage later. That's not what I'm talking about. But when I say absorb, I mean feel people's energy. People give stuff off. It's a real thing. It's a legit thing. Feel it. Number 1. The 2 is body language. So your body language, you're open, your arms were open, they were out, they weren't in your pockets. You, you were, your body language communicated what your words communicated. They were in harmony. So what you said to me, Evi, I'm so happy you're here. Thank you so much. I'm so excited. That mirrored what your body did. So there was— so right in that moment, I'm like, it's all genuine. It's not a formality. I'm not another guest, like, hey, okay, you know, all right, get her in there. And you immediately stepped forward where maybe your, your peer, your, your team could have taken me, brought me in here, and you could have made your interest. Evie, hi, I'm Mal, how are you?

Some people do that, right?

You did none of that. So when somebody gives you either weird energy or they are kind of open but body language is off and you're reading something's off, pay attention to it?

First, don't make it about you. Okay. Because that's when we're like, they don't like me, they don't this, they don't that. And that's where you start going down that rabbit hole. Yes. And then that's like, it's good to be self-reflective, but not so self-focused. Because then we start to make everything about us. And sometimes, most of the time, nothing to do with us. So allow people to be and look at them, listen to them, How are you today? You can ask like simple questions. Tell me about your morning. How's everything going, Mel? And then people can reveal slowly, you know what, I really had a tough morning, or, oh, this is going on, I was up late. And then now you know what's going on with that person. So we wanna see if people are off harmony, meaning what you're saying and what you're showing me with your body, and then also what I feel from you is not in harmony. I just have to pay attention. And we don't call people out ever.

Like, I mean, as in that's a rule, don't call somebody out.

Like, hey, you see, you know, I just wanna be careful because sometimes we think like, I know all this body language stuff, right? Right. And I'm gonna call everybody out and be like, and I know when you say this or when you look away, you just looked away and that must mean, it's like, those cues are there for you to gather information, not for you to kind of reflect back to someone and be like, let me show you how much I'm paying attention to you and how smart I am. Despite me having this background, I never tell people what I see. I told you 'cause you asked me. Mm. But I don't tell people. You wanna make people feel uncomfortable? Tell them. You wanna make people feel like you're analyzing them? Tell them. You wanna make people feel that you're, you think you're better than them? Tell them. We don't need to do that. It's for you to understand the people around you and who you're dealing with so you can make smarter decisions. With people. That's what this is for. Does that make sense?

It makes a lot of sense. And what I'm gathering so far is that there is all this power in settling yourself and observing and in letting people show you and not reacting. And, you know, you said something really important. You're meeting somebody for the first time. You're in a situation where you're on a date or you're meeting uh, your significant other's parents for the first time, or you're going on an interview, or whatever— you're pitching a client, interviewing a babysitter— the baseline and just giving yourself permission to observe, to get data, and not read anything weird as if it has to do with you is a power move. And I think a big mistake a lot of us make is that when somebody else is off, we let it make us get off. And what you're saying is absolutely not. Just observe, keep being in the mode, pretend you're like, it's almost like, 'cause I think of about a Secret Service agent and I think about dark suit, sunglasses, in the corner, seen maybe, definitely not heard. And so there's a cool confidence that comes from doing this in your life. Are there any cues though that for you over the years became kind of a telltale?

Like I had always heard, for example, that if people look away, they're lying to you, which of course made me go, wait a minute, I have ADHD. A lot of times I will look away, gather my thoughts, come back. I also think it can be really disarming for people if you're staring right at them like a prosecutor or an attorney on, you know, that's cross-examining somebody. But are there telltale signs with the eyes?

So that sounds like such BS, the whole eye thing. It's like, I know, like it's a marketing thing. Think of it this way. Like, how can everybody do the same exact thing with their eyes? Like, if we're preaching diversity and we're all so different and we're all so unique, then how on earth, like, is everybody going to behave the same way? So here's the thing with eye contact. How a person does eye contact depends on that person. I could have grown up shy. I could have grown up being told I was stupid. I could have been, you know, have grown up being hit a lot. So how I'm going to look at someone is going to be kind of a marker of everything I've experienced in my life. That's why that doesn't make sense. I could have like ADHD or autism. I could have, there could be so many reasons. So the thing with eye contact is there's two parts. One part is when you're looking at people, let people be like, you know, sometimes you ever have a serious conversation maybe with your kids and you're trying to talk to them and they're doing the, they're doing this on you and you're like, look at me when I talk to you.

You wanna try to refrain from doing that because that's just them releasing stress, releasing energy. You're also getting a really good baseline on what they do when they're stressed out. Oh yes. Now when you wanna teach them, hey, when you talk to people, I want you to have good eye contact cuz it conveys trust, it conveys authority. That's different. So we're talking two different lanes. One lane is reading people. Just let people be, don't correct them. Let them go where they're gonna go. They'll show you. So before you asked me a question before we started, What did you ask me, Mel? You asked me, what am I excited about, right? Yeah. And I had nothing. And I, but I broke eye contact with you and I looked down because you know what I was doing? I was searching my mental Rolodex and I'm like, do I? But I had to break eye contact to do that so I could really go into my head. I'm not about to lie to you. That's just what I do. Mm-hmm. So that's reading people. Right. Now, eye contact when it comes to you, Right, right now I'm your guest.

So even though I would presume that maybe eye contact's hard for you, but you're like, Evi's my guest. I want her to know I'm here and I'm present. So I'm gonna do everything I can to keep eye contact cuz it shows I value her. It shows I'm here, that I'm present. That's separate. And so eye contact for you as an individual, like if you're going out there for an interview or a meeting and you're really trying to build trust, eye contact hands down builds trust. It's just, we're wired that way. If you're looking at me, it means that I can trust you. Right? So those are two things. Reading people, we leave them alone, but we pay attention to what they do. So now, you know, every time I ask Evie a question where she has to think about something, it's likely she's gonna do what? Break eye contact cuz she's searching her mental Rolodex. That's just what she does. Yep. But when it comes to how I show up, I'm gonna be here. I'm gonna be present. I'm gonna look at you. I'm gonna show you, Mel, you matter to me. Mel, you can trust me.

Because I'm gonna look at you. And it's also a great way to show respect to people.

Evie, I am learning so much from you. This feels like a great time to take a break so that we can hear a short word from our sponsors. But don't you dare go anywhere because Evie is gonna teach you how to read people, and then where we're going next is really deep, and you don't wanna miss this. Stay with us. Welcome back, it's your friend Mel, and you and I are here today with Secret Service Agent Evie Pampouris. We are talking about how you can read people, detect lies, and tap into your power. So Evie, on the topic of reading someone, what are the list of things that you're assessing?

It's such a hard thing to answer. So look, there's body language, right? Overall, just look at what they're doing with their body. Um, simple things, even, even how when they're talking to you, are they frontally aligned? So we're, we're frontally aligned right now, meaning we're like squared off against each other. Yes. Frontally aligned, shoulder to shoulder. That's a good way when you talk to someone to have that. You don't wanna talk to people like this or like this. Like that, or on our phone. We don't, we don't want any of that.

And for you listening, she literally pointed her body away from me. So it's like talking at somebody on the diagonal. She then twisted and pointed her shoulders in the other corner, which basically signals I'm either not interested or I'm nervous or I'm thinking about something else, right?

It's just when it matters to you, when those conversations matter, you really want to be deliberate with your body language. You want to show with your body to people what you're saying, that those things need to be in harmony. And for me, I really don't care what people say. I look at what they do. And so that's the other follow-up. That's actions. That's separate. But with the body, you wanna have, if it's, if it's, you're reading people, you just wanna look at what they do with their body. You get their baseline. You can get somebody's baseline in just a couple of minutes, right? You can see, do they like to have their arms crossed? If I could stand all day long with my arms crossed, I would. That's like my, I'm comfortable, but I don't do it because psychologically I understand it gives off the wrong energy or vibe. Yeah.

And as you're talking, I just want— what's interesting is that you have this ability to both go, okay, as I'm observing someone else, these are the things I look for to get a baseline and assess what kind of person this is. What is the energy? What is their emotion? Is this somebody whose energy is trustworthy? Is it not? Are they sketchy? Like, what's going on with that person? And the same exact things that would signal, I don't know if I can trust this person.

They're doing the same thing to you.

Yes. And also are the same things that you should not be doing if you want to display confidence. Yes. So it's like almost sort of common sense. Like if somebody is not looking you in the eye or their body is pointed toward the door as you're trying to have a serious conversation.

That's called a fleeing position, by the way. That's called a who? Fleeing position. So when you're speaking to someone and they're leaning— so right now the door is here to my, to my left. Yes. So if we're doing doing the interview, Mel, and I'm like this the whole time, and I'm just like sitting at the edge like this. Mel, you know, I'm like, Emmy doesn't want to be here. That's called— it's called the fleeing position. When I would interview suspects, a lot of them would sit in the fleeing position because they just wanted to leave. Like, their body literally was showing me, I don't want to be here. That's fleeing position.

Well, if you've ever talked to a kid and they're in trouble and you're sitting at the island in the kitchen— fleeing position, fleeing position, absolutely. So it's kind of common sense almost that the things that you do when you're not interested or when you're lying, or when you're like done with a conversation, somebody that's not that interested in you or might be covering something up is probably doing to you.

They are doing. And I think what you said is important because everyone's so fixated on them that we— and how are people treating me and what are they doing to me? And, and they don't— we don't pause to think like, yeah, hello, you're the other half of the equation. Did you pause to think how you're presenting yourself, because it's, it's a reaction. And you have to think thoughtfully, what am I doing and what are they seeing? How am I showing up for this person? But we sometimes become a bit more very egocentric. We, we think like we're the sun and then everybody revolves around us. And pause and think like, how are you showing up? How are you speaking? Are you present? Are you looking at them? Are you doing these things? And even if you are and they're not reciprocating what you think they should do, like, leave people alone. Let people be. Why? Because if I want to have an authentic conversation with you, Mel, I'm going to let you do Mel so that I can really see who you really are.

So there's a theory almost that if you center yourself and you're in a place with people where You show up aligned with your best intentions and you're observing and you're creating this space for someone else to be and operate how they're gonna be and operate in that moment. People's behavior reveals the truth.

You don't have to work so hard when you just let people show you. I remember once when I first got into this business, I left the US Secret Service and I went to meet with somebody from a management company. I was gonna get a I was looking at managers and I took my husband who was another, you know, interrogator and government, you know, person like myself. And we go, I'm like, come with me. And we're in LA, we sit down and within like 3 seconds we, he, he and I instinctually knew. I'm like, this dude could care less that we're in this room. He has no, he's in this room 'cause somebody asked him to meet with us and he did it as a favor. So we ended that interview really quickly 'cause I knew right away. I'm like, this guy could care, he's not even remotely interested. And representing me. So at that moment, I didn't make it about me. My feelings didn't get hurt. He called it in, it was a favor called in by somebody who knew me. I thought he wanted to meet me. He clearly showed me he didn't. I end the, you know, conversation sooner rather than later and I leave and I don't waste my time trying to make the relationship work, trying to follow up with an email.

He showed me, he also showed me he's not gonna work hard for me. He showed me that. I'm like, if you're this excited about me now, forget about it later. Let's say even he's like, fine, I'll, I'll do your— it was my entertainment attorney at the time. I will do your entertainment attorney a favor and I'll take on as a client. No, I don't want you because you just showed me what it's going to be like working with you.

This is brilliant because we are all in the mode of chasing that I gotta prove to you that I'm worthy of your time. No, like confidence And being able to get a baseline is observing whether or not somebody else is worth your time, whether or not they're displaying interest. I want to go to the situation where you may be administering a polygraph. Your job is to make sure— well, I don't need— your job is to kind of get the truth. As somebody sitting there and you're going through a polygraph exam, you've got colleagues that are watching you. You have this steely confidence where you're administering the test. Are there specific things that people do with their eyes, though, that do indicate that their words might not match the truth? So, like, signaling that happens?

We'll do an example. Okay. So I'm sitting here, I'm interviewing you, Mel, right? So I'm like, hi, Mel, you know, I'm Evie. Good to meet you. So one of the things I might do is like, "Mel, where are you from? Where were you born? What's your date of birth?" Okay. "What's your address?" Yep. So you answer these questions. So as you're answering these, you're looking at me, you're nodding your head up and down. Okay, I got Mel's baseline. So Mel, tell me, tell me about what happened on the night of March 15th, 1998. Now I watch what Mel does. Now you're likely going to shift a little bit because I just asked you to do what now? Recall something from the past, right? So in that moment, I'm going to watch what does Mel do when she's accessing her memory. That's one. Okay, so I'm collecting information. So I've got who Mel is, the beginning part when she's not threatened— name, date of birth, blah blah blah, right? Unless you're lying, of course, which happens. Then it's like I'm getting you to access a memory. Then I might ask you, how do you feel about being here today?

Are you doing all right? Is there something I can get you? So then I'm gonna get a baseline on how Mel reacts or what you show me when you're emotional. You might start crying, you might be angry, you might frustration. Mel, tell me what you know about this case. Tell Mel, tell me what you think happened.

I'll tell you what, sitting here right now, I feel like I'm in an investigation and I'm about to get my ass thrown in jail. I'm like, like you have a steel, have you always been this scary? No. In this confidence? I mean, you You have like a death stare with your eyes, because you were just like, I got my paper. Like, I— it is amazing to be in the presence of somebody who is emotionally settled, because it makes me nervous about the fact that I might not be. That's good. What do you mean that's good?

That's good, though, to some degree, right? You want to be steady enough to— Here's the thing, we want to be warm towards people, right? You want warmth, but you also want people to like— you want to keep people on point from time to time, because when we don't, that's when we get taken advantage of, we get betrayed, we get rolled. Like, it's, it's, it's like a, it's a dance. So yeah, do I want people from time to time to be like, oh, I don't, I don't want to cross Evie, I don't want to mess with Evie, I don't want to harm Evie, because I, I— you want to give that off because that's also a way to let people know, like, I'm not that person. That's a good thing. So it's finding a way to be both.

How do you do that if you're somebody who has spent a lifetime feeling insecure? Because I agree, you don't want people to take advantage of you. You don't want to get played. You don't want to get scammed. And it happens in small and big ways to people every single day. So how do you, if you've always been insecure or you've been taken advantage of, how do you start to build this?

I think first, there's no way to not ever be insecure. And maybe get rid of that word. Okay. Maybe think of like people, you're not gonna, you're not gonna get it every time. Even myself, there's days where I'm like, meh. I should have seen it, or I gave that person a chance, but then I rectify my behavior. I think where people get kind of screwed a bit is when they don't. You see it, you don't course correct. That's something else. So you have to be okay with messing up. You have to be okay when people pull the wool over your eyes. You have to be okay with that. You have to be like, oh, he won, I lost. It happened, lesson learned. I think that's also strength.

It's not just lesson learned. What you're saying is lesson applied.

Yes, but I also have to, like, not be so hard on myself.

Why is not being hard on yourself a good thing when it comes to making sure that you become stronger and braver in the future?

Because I'm beating myself up and I'm giving myself more anxiety. I'm making myself more insecure. And then I'm also telling myself, you dummy, That's what I'm saying to me. You're a dummy. You should've known better. That's not good. And the whole like, I should've this, I should've that. And my husband's very good with that. He's got this rule, like nobody ever says I should have. He's like, in that moment, you make the best decision you can with the information you have. And I think that's having faith and trust in yourself.

So instead of beating yourself up, you just remind yourself, I made the best decision I could. With the information and the situation that I had. Oh yes.

And if you mess up, which we all do, being like, I messed up, I will do better, but then do better. But this, I don't think it's, it's good. Like it also reminds me in training when you, when you messed up in training, like, like sometimes they'd give us, like we do these shooting scenarios, which were really stressful. We would, they would create these, um, like Secret Service compound had like, you know, we had, cities that we called like tiny town where we do attacks, simulated attacks, or out in the open where we do these attacks. And they were very stressful and they were designed to be very realistic. Everyone's there, everybody's watching everybody's moves. And when you get attacked, depending on the position, you had to memorize who goes where, under what circumstances, depending where the line of fire is coming from and what weapons to use and where the counter-assault team is coming from and where the, the shift is. Like, there's so many elements. So You're being attacked, and then at the same time, you have to know, like, your choreography, and you would mess up. So in training, they call you out, be like, hey, you were supposed to do this, you did this, it's wrong, this guy's dead now because of you, don't do it again, and they move on.

Nobody has time to sit to feel bad. Move on. So I'm not— it's like, learn, feel it. And maybe you go— I go back home at night and I'm like, man, I messed up on that. That guy could have died if this was a real life scenario.

If you continue to dwell and beat yourself up, you actually won't move on and do better. No, you're going to make it worse the next time. You make yourself insecure.

How messed up is that? Like, to live in that place?

You know what I'm laughing about is that we sit here and beat ourselves up over, like, forgetting to get the milk. Or the butter on the list at the grocery store. And you're sitting here going, "Oh, I screwed up. The guy could have died. Okay, let's move on." You are so centered and steely and just grounded. It's amazing. And I want to dig more into confidence when we return. But let's hear a short word from our amazing sponsors. And Evie and I will be waiting for you after a short break. So stay with us. Welcome back, it's your friend Mel Robbins, and we are here today with Evie Pampouras, who is a Secret Service agent who has served under the administrations of 3 sitting presidents, and she is trained as a human lie detector. So, Evie, one of the things that you have been trained in when it comes to lie detection As you're interrogating somebody, are there verbal cues that people give you that signal they don't know what the hell they're talking about, or they're covering something up for me? There are verbal indicators.

There were some things people would do. This sounds terrible, but it's, it's true. And there's no research to prove this. We just, it's just something we'd see. Like anytime somebody showed up with like a Bible in their hand for an interview. For an interview? Oh yeah.

So if you bring a prop. This might be like a, here we go.

No, you're eye rolling. The divine prop. Okay. We would call this. So anytime somebody, we'd see, we'd see someone do that right away is like, that guy's gonna fail for sure. Or if like in the interview you'd hear like, I swear to God, as God as my witness, my grandmother's grave, language like that. It always was like, all right, this, this, this person did it. Like those were little clues. There's no science behind it, research, but like these were like things that we knew over time. So you would hear things like that because it's kind of like, The truth is typically simple. You don't need to swear to God or bring your Bible in to tell me the truth. Like, you don't need to sell it to me. If you didn't do it, you didn't do it. I understand you're gonna be nervous, but if I say to you, Mel, did you have donuts this morning for breakfast? And you're like, Evi, I swear to God, I swear to God I didn't do it. I swear on my mother's grave I didn't do it. I'm kind of like, I just asked you if you're having donuts.

So those types of reactions, with people, you pay attention. Or if you ask your kids a question, hey, you know, what's one of your kids' names? Are we allowed to say? Of course. Oakley. Oakley. Oakley, did you do your homework? Who, me? Homework? Stalling tactic, right? You know it intuitively. So that's a stalling tactic. Um, we do that to buy time to think about what I want to say. So those are good verbal indicators for, you know, why is this person stalling. Um, sometimes When people put like possessive words, like instead of saying like the car versus my car or my car versus the car. So if I hear my car, I like my car. If somebody says my car, that means that person likes their car. If they say the car, like they don't really like the car. So those are little things that people will do. So there are indicators in language to listen to. And then also when you ask somebody a direct question, This is the biggest thing. Did they actually answer your question? I think a lot of people don't. No, they move on.

Or they like, you know, I didn't say that. Or they, they come at you. I'm trying to think of an example. It drives me freaking crazy. I need to start polygraphing people for you, Mel. Yes, but it drives me crazy when you're asking somebody something and then they change the subject. Or they talk, they, they, they like say, well, I never had time. And I'm like, I didn't ask you about the time. I asked you if you know what you're doing. And so there is like a disconnect between the question I asked and the answer being irrelevant to the topic of the question.

But that's— there you go though, you know, but you just got intel. Why aren't they answering you? Something's wrong. They messed up. They didn't do it. They forgot. That's That's info, all of it.

And see, I think that for me, I feel like the harder thing to try to detect in people is the omission. That the overt lying to me feels like something that would be easier to start to notice when you do what you're teaching us. Don't be so, like, jacked up when you meet somebody. Slow down, get a baseline. Focus on how you're showing up. Notice, give the space, the person the space to be. Gather data in terms of what the baseline is and just use your common sense. Is their energy matching their body language and what they're saying? Are they giving you a vibe that you like? You have so much that you can just absorb based on common sense. And then also don't go back in and make it about you. Always just be on the observing.

We self-sabotage ourselves. We're so— I don't wanna say this, like the self-development space, it's a great thing. I like books like that. I read, I listen, I wanna learn. But if you're so in the me, me, me headspace, no, no, no, no, because you're not seeing things. So you also have to find a part of you where it's like, Mel invited me, I drove all the way from New York City. She wants me here to be her guest. There's a reason I'm here. I walk in, I bring my best, self in, you know, I don't walk in, I, I say hello. That's, I, I control the parts of me that I can. And then after that, I also have to surrender a bit and then understand that Mel is the other 50% of the equation, 50/50. But if I'm so self-focused and I make the whole thing about me and I'm not paying attention to you, I'm not reading the room, I'm not looking at your, your, your colleagues and even just the tone of the team. How are people feeling? How do they move in the room? Because that's another indication too. Of like the synergy of the environment.

Because sometimes people can shaft you, right? Hey, come on in. The charmer, which is something you really should— those are like certain cues, certain behaviors with people. Those are definitely red flag cues.

How do you know a charmer?

So I interviewed Jim Smith, who was a detective for the Canadian police, and he did serial killers. He did all sorts of confessions. We were talking about one of his cases, Russell Williams, and he got a confession. This guy, serial rapist, murder, all that. And he was actually a military commander. Anyways, one of the things I asked Jim, I said, you know, what part of human behavior, like, of all the types you, you've met, like, what was the thing where you're like, oh, I gotta look out for that person? He's like, the charmer. The, the, hey, how are you? I'm here. That person who's very, like, overt and charming and, and trying to very much ingratiate themselves with you. Like those people always like, why are you trying so hard? And those are true. They actually, charmer falls into a little bit of that. And I'm gonna say this from a clinical perspective, a true narcissistic personality disorder or an antisocial personality disorder, which is people who you would call a sociopath or psychopath. They have, some of them have that trait, not all, but you'll see it there.

So how do you get the truth outta anyone?

It depends what you're asking. Do you want them to verbally say something to you? Because you cannot tell me something verbally, but you just showed me the truth, and that's all I need. There was somebody I was working very closely with, and someone I liked a lot. I considered a friend, but I was also trying to do work stuff with. And she would say a lot, but her actions were very different than what she would say. You know, she had very strong boundaries, but when it came to if I had like, hey, I'm not available, it was like, what do you mean you're not available? I'm like, dude, you turn your phone off like at 5 on a Friday, and then like I'm in another country and you're like, you're kind of losing it, right? So with people, I don't physically have to have somebody tell me the truth. They can show me the truth. So with this scenario, I'm telling you, there were so many indicators with this person. I never actually had a conversation where I said You need to tell me blah, blah, blah, blah. They gave me so many indicators through their actions and behavior that it was enough for me to collect intel and say, nice human being, I like them, but they're not for me.

And you know what I did? I just quietly pulled back because it was too hard of a relationship to have. I never had that conversation. So I think people feel like in this day and age where it's like, speak up, tell everybody, Like, why? You can, just pick and choose when you're gonna do it.

I mean, sometimes it's not worth it. Sometimes it's not worth it at all. Can you truly tell how somebody feels about a situation or another person?

Mostly it's observing. It's also, it depends. You look at their performance. So let's say it's an employee, like, just look at their performance. You can try to help people as much as possible. Sometimes, like, you can't, They'll show you. They'll show you like what they're willing to do and not do.

I think that it's easy to ignore the behavior. It's easy to ignore the kind of output of somebody's behavior and make excuses. And so I keep coming back to this theme with you as I'm having this experience and you're just being you. So I'm like giving you the space to be you and you have this steely confidence and a settled nature where if you are grounded, people reveal themselves and you can really decode just about anything if you're paying attention.

Let me say one thing. Sure. Because you brought up the confidence thing a few times. Like, there are times where I'm not sure, but I'm still steady in myself. Sometimes we invest in people and we want to believe in people and we want to trust in people. And then sometimes what is right there in front of us, we don't, we don't wanna see it. No, I don't. I don't wanna see it. I'm gonna keep and keep and keep and keep. And then I get pissed off at you for not being what I want you to be, meeting my expectations. Then I get angrier and more frustrated, and then I'm also mad at myself for being in that situation. And on and on and on that cycle goes.

I'm nodding because I really resonate with that. How do you break that? So let's say that, because you've, you've even mentioned personally too that you, you talked about the fact that you were trained in how to deal with lies. So when you realize that what somebody is saying does not match what they're doing, how somebody is treating you does not match what they said, somebody is, you know, talking all about boundaries but they're crossing yours consistently. How do you confront that? When do you know to call somebody out versus to back away?

So sometimes you do have to call people out. So in those moments where you have to deal with someone, let's say it's your team. Okay. And you have to address certain things. It's okay to address things. And I think that that's another important thing. It's first you make the decision, do I wanna deal or not deal? Okay. If I don't deal, what are the consequences? It's always better to deal with things when they're small, especially when they're people or circle of people people that you have to deal with, like a team or family member where you're like, this person's not gonna go anywhere. So, but when problems are small, deal with them because what happens is they get bigger, bigger, bigger, and then you get angrier, angrier, angrier, and then it becomes this big problem. And you're like, you've done this, you've done that, and then you get frustrated. So one, when you have small problems, address them cuz they're small. That person now knows you're paying attention. Also, kindness is clarity. You can be clear in what you expect of others. Sometimes they don't know. We presume, I wouldn't do this, so they should know better.

It's like, look, they're in a whole other headspace. So I think addressing things while they're small, not waiting for things to get big when it's important. And there are situations where it's like, you know what, this person is too much of a mess. It's too much of a shit show or it's too much stress. Or if it's someone where, Your phone rings and you're like, your stomach turns. That's when you're like, all right, something, something's going on here. I need to minimize my exposure to this person. I'm not saying cut people out, although I have done that, and I don't think that's a bad thing either. You, you save that for when you need to do it. And then with some others, you just, I call it like, you just make more space. You make more space, make more space. You don't answer the phone as often. You let it go to voicemail. You can send a text rather than call back. There are ways to create space with people when you realize this isn't for me, because not everybody is for you. And but it's your responsibility to recognize it and then to act on it.

I'm— I can feel the person listening completely leaning in, and there's probably a person they have in mind. And then there's that heartache that you feel when you go, oh my God, I'm probably the name on someone else's phone that when my name pops up, their stomach twists because I'm not showing up how I need to show up.

Or, or that's— or maybe you're showing up in a way that you— they don't want you to show up. Hmm. And doesn't necessarily mean it's wrong. What if it's, you're calling Oakley because you're concerned and worried about, you know, what's going on in Oakley's life. Mm-hmm. And the phone rings and Oakley's like, ugh, it's mom. And the stomach's turning, right? Yeah. In that scenario, I would think maybe sometimes you're like, I don't care if your stomach's turning.

Right. Yes. 1000%. So, cause I know that I'm acting in a way that I'm— that is aligned with my values. In the other scenario, when you're making somebody else's stomach turn, you're probably not. Yes. So there, right?

There's scenarios for that. Yes. Yeah.

Can you talk about paralinguistics?

What is that? So paralinguistics is what you sound like when you speak. It's your tone, your pitch, your voice. So often people are so focused on what they're going to say, right? We have our talking points and I need to make sure I hit this and I hit that. I need to say this and It is what we sound like when we deliver information that is more powerful than the things that actually come out of our mouth. When I left the US Secret Service, and I really learned paralinguistics more so when I began doing the news, I left the Secret Service and I started doing the news. And I—

Meaning you were an expert on the news? Yeah.

So I started doing the Today Show. Okay. Initially, and then, you know, shootings and crime. And one of the things I learned from the working you know, going on air is I had to learn to make sure my paralinguistics were strong enough so that when I spoke, it resonated. And I found, yes, it matters what you say, but half the time it's how you say it. And so I learned talking points. So I'm gonna give my top 3: talk less, give 'em your greatest hits. And this is whether it's a pitch, you're talking to somebody they don't need at all, Give them the strongest hits that you have, but then put more value in how you speak. Um, so it's authority in your voice. We are more likely to listen and believe in someone and see them as a confident person or as a person of authority when they use a stronger tone voice, meaning their stronger, deeper tone.

So if somebody's listening and they would like to convey more confidence, more authority. And they're leaning in as you're talking about paralinguistics. And I hear you loud and clear. It's not what you say that really matters, it's how you say it.

It's the strength that comes out through your voice.

And one thing that's going to help you do that is to have very few talking points. So boil down the thing that you want to convey to simple ideas, focus on a lower— and notice I'm doing it now— slow way of speaking. Are there other tips in terms of displaying that kind of authority?

Pauses and silence are good because it lets you catch up with your thoughts. You don't have to say everything that's in your head, like nobody cares. Just give them your top talking points. The other thing that you touched on is when you say less, you don't have to think as hard. So what I'm also trying to do is lighten somebody's cognitive load. If I've got all this stuff in my head that I have to say, my cognitive load is maxed out. So I'm not gonna speak well because I don't have enough cognitive load to pay attention to my voice. I'm gonna go, okay, Mel, this is what I wanna tell you about. I'm from, I drove up from New York and you know, like, and I was really upset about it. And that I'm not gonna have enough bandwidth to stop and think about how I sound. And I would tell people, even when I do the news, I don't want, I don't want text. I'm like, gimme my bullet points. I'm gonna know my stuff. I'm gonna know these 3 areas really well. Mm-hmm. And then I'm not gonna try to memorize everything else.

Like, forget it. Even if I interview somebody, I'm like, I, I look through my questions, I start asking questions. But then I'll let the conversation kind of move and go. And then maybe I'll look back at my notes to see like, oh, did I ask that? Let me go back there. But don't get so hung up on memorizing stuff that, that messes you up. Memorizing things, worrying about that. I think be the most important thing when you're really trying to convey something to someone, be present physically, right? Think about how you're sitting, how you're presenting. That's more important. Think about, are you looking at that person? Not just when you speak, but when they speak, right? Have that. Um, and then at the same time, just own your voice. I think that that's really it. Own your voice. And, and then maybe get rid of things like, I'm just gonna hurry up and say this. All right, I, I've got a few minutes left. Let me just power through this. Because when you do that, you tell people inadvertently, I'm gonna hurry through this because what I have to say is not that important. So I don't wanna waste your time because obviously I'm wasting it.

That's what I'm saying. And I really truly, I learned this through watching presidents. These guys would speak, they didn't race through anything. They get up on that mic, nope, I have something to say. And not just them, but other world leaders, they would get up there and they would speak. They would own their voice, own it, especially women, Mel. And I usually don't try to gender things, But like with women, we go high and we, you know, we— okay. And I think your voice captures all the stuff you've been through in life. So just make sure that the voice you're using is really your true voice and not the one that's captured all these markers of shame, of guilt, of frustration, of embarrassment. And now you're showing up with not your true voice. Where I'm going with that is you don't have to be on all the time. You don't have to be 100% brave, 100% confident. You don't always have to be here. You don't always have to operate at this level. Like, it's okay if you don't. You become more courageous or more brave when you do things. I will tell you, like, the more I've messed up, the more I lose, the more brave I become.

You don't get better when you win. You just don't. Is it nice to win? Sure. Is it nice not to get rejection? Sure. But bravery comes through action. It's not something you think about. It's something you do. I think what's really important is it is okay to go into a meeting and be afraid. It is okay to have a conversation with someone and be like, you know what? I don't really have it, but I'm just gonna ask what I need to ask. I think what's important is get into the, what am I actually doing here? And maybe leave yourself, kind of leave that you out of it. Leave your, check yourself at the door, check your emotions at the door, leave them there. And if you can go come in mission-focused. So if I sat there and let's say I did once, it's really high profile. I don't think I'm not allowed to say what case it is, but it was a high profile case of a murder of a child., and it was a very well-known case, and there was new information that came out. Was I concerned? Yes. Was I nervous? Yes. All eyes were on me to get information.

So, but I went in and I said, "Evi, you don't matter. Evi, you're gonna leave, you're gonna stay outside. You're gonna be focused on what you're doing. And my goal is to get information to see, is this person involved with the murder of this child?" Or do they have information? What is really going on here? And so I took all of my essence and being to focus on what I was trying to accomplish. That has helped me even in personal situations. Let's say you have a loved one and you wanna know, let's say they have a substance abuse issue and you really wanna find out like what's going on. You're gonna check you at the door and you're gonna say, okay, it is not about me and how I feel. I wanna find out as much as I can about what's going on with this person. And then once I get all the intel, intelligence information I have, now I can move. So that's, that's how you become brave when you become focused on what you're doing. So maybe these ideas of, I need to be brave to do this, I need to be confident to do this, I need to be, to have motivation to do this.

Like, such time wasters. So I can't do something unless I have bravery, or, and I have to check that, or unless I'm confident, check that, or unless I'm motivated, check that. I'm gonna do nothing. And there we create obstacles. We put these in the middle of what we're trying to do. And then you know what we do? We don't do what we're supposed to do because we're chasing these outliers that really like, are they really the barometers of whether I'm gonna accomplish something or not? When I went to NYPD my first week, I was a hot mess. I was like, what am I doing here? Everyone's yelling at me. I'm, I can't wear makeup. I was like, I was like, what do you mean you can't wear makeup? You're not allowed to wear makeup. I'm like, you want me to come in like me? So the, the, it was just so off. But was I afraid? I was all these things, but I showed up.

You know what you, I've learned from you so far that I think is really important and it's changed the way that I would approach a situation with a loved one, is when you mentioned, let's say you've got somebody that you love that has a substance abuse problem. Most of us would go into that intervention or that conversation like, I gotta get the truth out of them. And what I've learned from you in just this conversation is that you don't need them to say anything. Before you walk in that door and have that conversation, you need to be clear about your objectives and what you're doing, which is you're trying to assess the situation and gather data. It doesn't require them to speak at all.

So that's a great example, the way you broke it down. So what is your true goal in that situation? Let's use this as an example. I have someone, a loved one, who's got a substance abuse issue. What is my goal?

Ultimately, my goal ultimately is to be the most effective that I can to support my loved one from a safe distance. And that is going to require me to get an assessment of what the hell is happening based on my gut. Because if I'm dealing with somebody with addiction, That's somebody that lies as a coping mechanism. So I know that going in. I also have a whole history of behavior that I've probably been in denial about that. Yeah, I know that going in. And so you're going in to observe and assess and to ask questions with an open heart and an open mind, but you got to have your Secret Service brain training in the background. Because based on body language, based on tone of voice, based on not answering questions, based on past behavior, you are going to get all the data that you need to know where the situation is, whether they tell you the truth or not. And then it's not on them, it's on you to decide what you're going to do about it. Because we also know that people don't heal until they're ready to heal. They don't get sober until the pain of being drunk or stoned or whatever is way worse than the pain of actually trying to change.

And so there's nothing you can do to force them to actually change. All you can do is use the tools that you're giving us right now to not get so damn emotional and not try to control the situation and not try to, like, accuse, but to just sit back and be like, I'm here to get the data that I need to know what I need to do next, cuz that's all I can control anyway. What am I dealing with? What am I dealing with?

Right. I need to know what's going on in front of me. Look, and you can maybe take it one further cuz if you already know, you might be like, my goal is to try to talk to this person to see if can I get them to go get help, rehab or whatever help looks like. That could be really ultimately your mission, but you also have to be okay with, you may not get there. It may be like, but my goal is to get the truth so then I can try to get this person help. But I also know I'm 50% of the equation. Right. They're the other 50, so they may not want my help or want, right? All that stuff you just said. So I have to be okay with that. And I also have to have my strategy for what do I do then afterward? And I can figure that out later, what it's gonna look like for me, whether do I want this person in my life and how much? Given the circumstances, yada yada. But when you go in that conversation, you're not going in how I feel, what this is doing to my life.

It's like, I wanna know what the fuck is going on. Yes. Right? What am I dealing with? Yeah. And then it's my ultimate goal would be my mission to get you help, but I may not get there. Maybe not that day.

Well, what I love about this approach is that it has nothing to do with them. And even if you go in, and we all want everybody to reassure us, right? We all want everybody to tell us the truth. Somebody not reassuring you is an answer. Somebody not giving you a direct answer is an answer. Somebody refusing to answer your questions is also an answer. And we spend way too much time then dismissing that, making excuses for it, instead of saying, this motherfucker can't even give me a one-sentence answer to a simple question. I have all the information I need to know what I'm dealing with. And it's the inability, I think, to assess the situation and to really trust your gut and to look at somebody's behavior or their lack of behavior as the only honest answer that they can give you, and then to act accordingly.

You know, it's interesting, I did, um, I remember I did this one interview. I don't remember what the person did. He was involved in some kind of fraud or something. And he wouldn't come out. So you would think in trying to get a confession from someone is you want him to say, "I did this." And what I learned is that's not what you're after. Like I didn't need that. So he wasn't giving me any information about what was going on. So I never tried to get them to say, "I took this money, I stole this money, I committed this crime." Like I wasn't trying to get that, but I would get them them, they're called admissions, where people admit to little, little things. And as you get these little admissions, all these little admissions give you a picture. It's like a puzzle. But some— like, I remember with him, I said to him, you don't have to tell me if you did it or not. Can you tell me what are you worried about? And his thing was, I'm worried about my family. Huge red flag. I'm like, "Ah." He just gave me the admission.

He just told me why he doesn't want to tell me why he did what he did. So I said, "Okay, you're worried about your family." He said, "Yes, the blowback." "Well, I think we needed to do a search warrant or something." And I said, "Well, they need to do a search warrant. How do you wanna do this? How can I help you?" Maybe he's like, "I can get my wife to leave town." So these are little admissions that he's, without him telling me, "Yes, I did this," giving me little, little clues that are telling me, "I did this." You don't need the smoking gun from people. They show you, but everyone's waiting for the person to say, "I did this. I lied. I cheated." It's a waste of time to try to get that. Most of the information you're gonna get from people are little, little breadcrumbs that you collect and you put together and you got your loaf of bread.

And I think the biggest thing standing in the way is you don't wanna see the truth. No. And that's why we don't trust our guts, because all along the way, people's behavior and their lack of behavior and their decisions are giving you the truth about who they are and what they care about and what they're doing and what they're not doing and how they make you feel. And we are so focused on, I did something, that we don't hear the bell that's ringing deep inside us. And It's really fascinating. If you could speak directly to the person that's listening and there was just one change or takeaway that you wanted them to take from everything that you taught us today, what would it be?

Handle your shit. Don't avoid your problems. Don't blame other people. Handle it. If things aren't right, they're not right cuz you're allowing them to not be right. It's hard. I'm not saying it, I, and I come with humility. I'm not, it, it's a hard thing to deal, to do it, but it is on you to handle your stuff because when we don't, we get pissed at everybody around us. You should this and you should that and only you should do this. And it's a really, hard way to live where your steadiness, your bravery, your confidence, your happiness, your whatever is tethered to the instability of other people and whether or not they're going to give you what you hope they will give you. Like, live in reality and live in truth. When you do that, you make better decisions.

For somebody who just went, oh shit, Evie, like, I do have to handle my shit. I have been avoiding the truth. I have been, like, blaming other people. I haven't taken responsibility. What is the first step when you have that realization that you've been ignoring your instincts, or you've been beating yourself up, or you've not been taking responsibility for changing yourself or the situation that you're in?

You're going to sit down and you're actually going to put into effect what you're going to do. So I need to address this person, I need to leave this relationship, I need to quit this job, whatever it is. I need to throw my— ask my loved one to leave the house, or my kid who's got an addiction issue. I have to do the hard thing. Usually the hard thing is harder in our mind. Once you do it Not saying it's not going to hurt, but you have to do these things if it is the right thing to do. We all know what we should do. We don't do it. We all know. That's what I would do. Put into action what you want to do. The one thing I'll say is once you come to that realization, get into a place where you're steady and prepared. Because people, look, people are— I don't want to say people are manipulative. Some people are. Some people will sell you. Some people will mislead you. Some people confuse you. There's this great ancient Greek quote, and I love it. It says— it was from Odysseus from the Iliad.

It says, um, he said, don't listen to your enemies, look at them, it will tell you everything. And I'm not saying people are your enemies, but what I'm saying is people, when you listen to the words, they like— people tell you all sorts of stuff to get you to change your mind. Like, you have to not You have to look and pay attention. Just do. I think that's the biggest thing. So once you make that choice, put your plan in place, leave your emotional self at the door and be like, I'm gonna handle this. But I think one of the mistakes people make sometimes is I'm gonna sit this person down and I'm gonna tell them this and I'm gonna tell them that. Sometimes it's just like, pack up your shit and leave. Sometimes it's just as simple as that. You didn't need to sit them down. What are your parting words? Trust yourself. Like, nobody knows what's best for you except for you. Nobody. Stop asking everybody. It's okay to ask people for guidance, but if you're gonna ask someone, make sure that they have the expertise and knowledge to, to guide you. You know what the most important decisions I've ever made, I didn't ask anybody.

I didn't ask anybody if I should become a cop. I didn't ask anybody if I should be a Secret Service agent. I didn't ask anybody what I should do on 9/11. I didn't ask. That's how you build confidence.

Evi, I think that you were here today to talk directly to me. I'm like, "Handle your shit, Mel Robbins," is— It's hard. It's hard. It is hard. There were so many incredible things that you said. This is exactly what I needed to hear. I'm sure it is exactly what you needed to hear today too. Thank you, thank you, thank you for being here and for just telling us what we needed to hear.

I tell it to myself all day long too. I'm not excluded. Like, we all just have to handle our stuff.

But thank you, thank you, Mel, for having me. You're welcome. And for you, I wanted to just make sure to tell you in case nobody else that I love you, I believe in you. Now go handle your shit and I'll talk to you in a few days. All right, you guys ready? Oh boy, are you in for a fascinating experience today on the Mel Robbins Podcast. How to get the truth out of anyone. Sorry. Woo, that's mouthful. Okay, great. Next up. Wow, the ending was fantastic. Is there anything else that you wanted in that? Ah, great job. Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language. You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode.

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