Transcript of S4EP4 | Family Dynamics Simplified: Using the Let Them Approach | Applying the Let Them Theory in Relationships

Hey, everyone, and welcome back to The Messy podcast. You know the drill. You can listen to this show ad-free and get full access by becoming a premium member on Apple podcast or over on our website, themessypodcast. Com. You know we are back for season four. That's right. Applying the Let Them Theory in relationships. Yes. And today's deep dive is all about family dynamics. Family dynamics. Simplified using the Let Them approach. Buckle up, everybody. So family relationships, they are really something special.

They really are.

I mean, they're intense. They're probably the most emotionally intense relationships we have.

I agree.

They are woven together like a web.

Yeah, like a big spider web.

You tug on one little thread, and it seems like the whole thing starts vibrating.

It's so true. One person's actions ripple out. It's a system? Yeah, it's a system. Everyone's interconnected for better or worse. And you know what's interesting? It's not just the negative stuff that ripples out. The good vibes, the support that spreads throughout the system, too.

How does this let them theory apply to this complex family system, right?

It's about letting go of control and really accepting that within a family, letting go of control can be hard.

It can But it's really about accepting family members for who they are.

Okay, accepting them. Is that the core of let them within families? Exactly.

It's two parts. There's let them, and then there's let me. Okay, let them, let me. Let them is just what it sounds like. Let them be themselves. Let them have their emotions, their behaviors without trying to control them.

An example would be if a parent expresses disappointment, instead of taking it personally, you just say, Okay, let them have that feeling.

Exactly. Let them feel their disappointment You don't have to fix it. You don't have to change it.

Or if you have siblings who are arguing, you don't necessarily have to jump in and referree. Let them work it out.

Precisely. And then the other part of the theory is that let me part, which is all about focusing on you. So You get to decide what family member do I want to be? How do I want to show up in this relationship?

So it's about focusing on your reactions and behavior. Exactly.

Because that's the only thing you can actually control. Now, one thing I've always noticed is that family conflicts, they feel so much more painful than other conflicts, other criticism.

Absolutely. Why is that? Well, think about it. Our families, we have this shared history, this deep emotional bond. And that bond can make us incredibly vulnerable. Because when someone from your family criticizes you, it cuts deeper because it feels like it's coming from a place of love and intimacy. A comment from a coworker might sting a little bit, but a similar comment from your mom or your dad or your sibling can trigger all these old insecurities.

Yeah. It's like their words carry more weight.

They do. It's because those relationships matter so much to us.

Absolutely. So how do we actually use this let them approach these ideas to navigate these tough situations, these situations where it just feels so personal and the criticism feels so painful.

Well, let's say you're at a family gathering, the holidays are coming up, and your uncle starts ranting about politics. You know he always does. In the past, you might have felt this urge to jump into the debate, to correct him, to argue your point. But with let them, you can just take a step back, take a breath, and think, let him have his moment. He's entitled to opinion. And you don't have to get drawn into it. You can focus your energy on connecting with other family members, the ones who bring you joy, the ones you want to spend time with.

So shifting the focus, yeah. Instead of engaging in those debates or trying to convince them to change their mind, just shifting your energy towards the more positive interactions.

Exactly. That subtle shift can turn a stressful family gathering into a more enjoyable experience.

Yeah, that's a really helpful strategy. And it's something you can apply not just to those big family gatherings, but in even day to day interactions.

Absolutely. Let's say a relative criticizes your career choices. Okay. Maybe they think you should have gone to law school or become a doctor like they wanted you to. Remember, their opinion, it's just that. It's their opinion. It doesn't have to define your worth. So you can acknowledge their perspective. You can say, Hey, I understand you see it that way, but you don't have to internalize it.

It sounds like this let me aspect of the theory becomes really, really important here. It's about remembering that even though you can't control what other people say or do or think, you can control how you respond to them.

Exactly. You have the power to choose your response. Sometimes, the best response is to disengage from the conversation altogether. Politely but firmly. You can say, I understand your perspective, but I feel differently, and then just change the subject or excuse yourself from the conversation. Okay.

And what about blended families? They have their own set of unique dynamics. They do. How can the let some approach be helpful in navigating those situations?

Blended families, there's often a lot going on. There's grief, there's loyalty conflicts, different parenting styles. It can be a lot to navigate. So instead of forcing everyone to instantly blend into this perfect happy family, which honestly isn't realistic, let them suggest allowing everyone to adjust at their own pace and creating a space, like have a family meeting where everyone can safely express their needs and concerns.

So open communication Yeah.

Make sure everyone feels heard and validated.

It's interesting because I think a lot of times we enter these family situations with this unconscious goal of changing people or making them see things our way. But what if the real key is learning to accept them exactly as they are?

That is the heart of let them. It's shifting your mindset from one of change to one of acceptance. Acceptance. Yeah. And acceptance doesn't mean you have to agree with everything or condone everything. It just means acknowledging the reality of who they are and recognizing that you can't force them to change. You can't control them.

It's like choosing to focus on the parts of that mobile that you can actually influence, like your own reactions and responses instead of getting caught up and trying to control the entire structure.

Yeah, I love that analogy. It's so important to remember that let them... It's not about being passive. It's not about letting people walk all over you. Sometimes let them might actually mean stepping back from a relationship, setting firm boundaries, or even making the difficult decision to walk away.

Yes, especially when we are talking about behavior that is truly toxic or harmful. Let them is not about tolerating abuse.

Exactly. It's about protecting yourself. Sometimes that means creating distance. Yes. But let them can actually give you the emotional space you need to make those really tough decisions.

Right. Decisions about your own well-being.

Exactly. It's not It's not giving up on the relationship necessarily. It's about deciding how much time, how much energy are you willing to invest in this relationship. You can still love someone from a distance, and sometimes that's the healthiest, most loving thing you can do, both for yourself and for them.

Hang tight. We'll be back right after this short break.

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Thanks for waiting. Let's pick up where we left off. So ultimately, this let them approach to family dynamics, it's really about creating more peace. Absolutely. More connection, but also protecting our own peace and well-being.

It's finding that balance, acceptance and self-respect.

Acceptance and self-respect. Those are important things. For everyone listening, if you want to dive deeper into this topic, if you want to learn more about all the books that we covered in today's deep dive.

Which were amazing, by the way.

All you have to do is head over to themessypodcast. Com.

You'll find a full list there.

We've got a whole list for you. Until next time, stay messy.

Stay messy.