Transcript of Ep 13: Strike Force Five Returns to Celebrate Stephen Colbert New

I think one of the things I'm gonna miss most is young people who are good at their jobs. Yeah. And who you met and they were first out of college or something like that. Like, I was talking to one of my producers the other day. He's worked for me for 21 years and he started working for me when he was 21.

Unbelievable.

Jesus.

And he's great. He's great. But he has no idea what the rest of the business is like. He doesn't realize that this is not show business.

Yeah, right.

He's actually— he spent 21 years in almost entirely, but not completely, non-show business. We're a crossroads of show business. We aren't like show business.

Lauren once told me that Steve Martin—

My client?

Yeah. Steve Martin said to him when he was like— he goes, Steve was like, you know, if you retire, you know you don't hang out with young people anymore. He's like, it's just people my age. It's like, that's it. Like, he goes, you only hang out with young people because you have this job. Like, you're not having dinner on Tuesday with a bunch of 30-year-olds.

So here we are, guys.

We're very close to that.

This is unlucky episode 13 of Strike Force Five.

At least we know what the bad luck is.

Okay.

Oh, rolling.

All right, well, we got Jimmy Fallon, we got John Oliver, we've got Seth Meyers, I'm Jimmy Kimmel, and the man of the hour, Mr. Stephen Colbert.

Stephen Colbert.

Big client.

Thank you very much. Thank you very much.

And I also, before we begin, I wanna thank our sponsor, Mint Mobile, who has made a sizable donation to World Central Kitchen, Stephen's preferred charity. He's been raising money for World Central Kitchen over the last couple of months, auctioning off the items, and you can still buy those items.

What do you think went for the most? What do you think went for the most?

Tickets to your last show?

Yep. How much? $110,000, 2 tickets.

How are you feeling right now? What are we right now?

We are, you and I, we were all on the 8th to last last show. Like, in other words, we had 8 more shows, now we have 7 more shows.

7 more shows.

Yeah.

Is it sinking in? Has it sunk?

Oh yeah, yeah, it's super real. Yeah, like, it's sunk all the way. It's sunk all— yeah, I have sunken into it, actually.

By the way, that's such a better act if you'd have been like, no, and we like—

yeah, no, it's— I, I feel what I've said is that the emotion has— the rising tide of emotion has reached my chin. And now the only thing to do is like take a deep breath and like swim like hell to May 21st.

Have the emotional exchanges you've had with your staff made it more difficult to put the show on every night?

I would say the emotion, not the emotional exchanges, the emotional exchanges I tend to have after the show. It's 'cause there's no use to having human emotions during the day.

Thank you, I've said that all the time.

Yeah, okay, human emotions.

All you gotta do is just push that beyond the work process. You can shut shit down and just barrel to the grave.

Oh, I got a switch I can flip in my I could watch any of you die slowly and I'd go, "That's fascinating." That's what I'm talking about.

And you bring that dark energy home.

I didn't think he was capable of screaming that high. Yes. No, I do have a switch. No, I do actually have a switch I can turn off. Like, I've had to do the show when shitty things have happened in my life because you got to do the show. I mean, I'm a big fan of the show must go on. Not because the show must go on like there's some contract or some sword over my head, but because That's what I do, shows. And the show's gonna, the show wants to happen. And I wanna be part of the show. So that kind of gets you through it.

You did literally do a show while your body was trying to kill you as well.

I was dying, I was dying. You were dying. I was being poisoned.

My body was filling up with bile. Yeah.

From my burst appendix.

Yeah.

That's true, that did happen.

That did happen. That did happen. My appendix burst and I did 2 shows actually. It was a 2-show night. I did 2 shows. And when the—

Holy.

In commercial breaks, my producers would stand between me and the audience so I could weep without seeing Yeah, without being seen by the audience. That's never a good sign. The audience doesn't feel like laughing much because they care about— that's one thing is they care about how we feel. They do. If you like look sick or hurt, it doesn't help.

No. And yours audibly burst. It was like a— it was a very loud sound.

I remember. Yeah, like that. Yeah, it was kind of funny.

It was comedy. I got a laugh.

It was a funny appendix.

Yeah.

You know what the best thing about that, doing two shows with a burst appendix, is no one on your staff can call in sick. Ever again.

Yeah, yeah, that's right.

Never.

I feel bad. Really? Like, first appendix bad?

I think Danello would.

I think Danello still would.

Bit of a headache.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Not dying, not actively dying.

Little tickle on the throat.

Yeah, that must be tough, kind of.

Little tickle on the throat. Uh, Evie kept on— Kevin said, you're gonna go to the hospital. I'm like, I'm just gonna go home. I just didn't go home. I couldn't stop shaking. I had what's called Reiser's, which is a shake you get from blood poisoning. Where every muscle in your body starts twitching and you have no control over it. And what you want is to not to reach your diaphragm.

Yeah.

So I was like, I just gotta go, I just gotta go to sleep. And she's like, you're gonna go to the hospital. And I said, no, I was coming home. And then I pulled up in front of a hospital 'cause she called my driver and goes, just take him to the hospital. And she met me there and they gave me morphine.

Oh, it's the best.

And I don't, like, not as a lifestyle, but it was worth having your appendix burst just to know Yeah, do you think you'll do more morphine now that you're—

time—

essentially out of work?

I will tell you something else, this is semi-serious, is that I had big plans to drink a lot. Oh, when I— whenever I retired, you know, whenever I wasn't on this like train that we're on every day. I've gotten so bad at it. I'm at 61 now and I have one drink and the next night I'm a wreck. I thought I'd get better as I got older. Yeah, much worse.

Drugs are coming back.

The thing with morphine is you don't have that long hangover. I don't want to tell you how to live your life.

Especially if the next day you take a little more morphine.

That's right.

Now I should say, there is— morphine's a sponsor. They're giving $10,000 to World Central Kitchen.

Mint morphine.

Mint morphine.

Delicious.

Yeah.

Delicious.

But are you tired of yourself, of people asking you questions the past couple of months?

A little bit like a college senior.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like, so what do you got lined up?

Yeah.

What are you doing? I'm doing Teach for America.

A lot of—

Yeah.

A lot of stuff. I got— I'm like, I don't know. This show takes all of my mind, like 95% of my mind every day to do this show. Until it's over, I don't really know. I've gone into— I've had meetings. Like, I've had some really nice meetings with people. Like, we want to be in the Steve Goldblatt business. And I'm like, that's wonderful. What is that? Could you tell me, please? Do you want to do The Late Show on CBS at the Ed Sullivan Theater? Because that's the business I'm in.

And you think those are probably paid actors that Babydoll hired to make you feel a little bit better? Yeah, or Evie.

Or have you wanted to? I don't want to ask which one.

That's so much fun.

That's such a cartoon stereotype. Were they chomping on a cigar at the time?

They were.

We want to be in the Stephen Colbert world. He's buying it.

Yeah. Listen, I will say, doing this all together is very nice and really speaks to the diversity of the podcast.

Yes, yeah, for sure.

I think the video like that and just the suits at this table.

Jon, you're the white guy.

Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, I'm certainly the whitest guy in the house.

That's what it looks like.

We're very much the Mad Men. This is the Mad Men.

Irish.

We're in heaven's conference room.

German. Irish? Yeah, I like Eastern European.

Eastern European.

German, Eastern European. They— the Germans really thought more of that, so—

I will say, let's just say not German.

So much of Eastern Europe had to be so clear about that? Just not the German part? Yeah, English.

English.

English to the bone.

Italian-Irish.

Italian-Irish.

Irish. There you go.

My ancestors, when you said German, were like, "Oh, that would have made things a lot easier." Stephen, what's your plan for Monday?

After you're done?

That's Memorial Day. The weekend, that weekend, my son graduates college on the 18th or the 19th. What's Monday? The 19th? I think 20th, no, 18th. My son graduates college on the 18th. My show ends on the 21st. My brother gets married on the 23rd.

Oh, wow.

So I'm kind of sandwiched between things that are like a little more important, like, you know, a little perspective. And, And then we come back, I'm cleaning out the office. I just gotta— we gotta get our shit outta here. We're all— no one's got a job after that night. I think the next day everyone's fired. I don't think there's— Oh, really? I think maybe the crew has some time to clear out the studio, but the staff all has to be gone. I think that—

Well, that was the scene with Letterman too, right?

Yeah, Letterman, literally the next day they forced him out. They threw his shit outside. Yeah, they threw his stuff. He's on Thursday. But no, we all have to be out by the next Friday.

He left, he went outside and saw stuff going in the dumpster from his set.

It's cool they learned a lesson from that.

You have to be out in one week's time?

Of the whole building? I think the set has longer, or the crew has time to wrap, but I think they're gonna start tearing shit out immediately. I know my staff is not paid like the next day, like they're out. And then, and so I'm already packed. I've already packed my office.

And this is gonna be a Stephen Halloween, this building. No, I think it's— Stephen Halloween?

Spirit Airlines is doing this.

Spirit Airlines is actually moving in.

Oh my God.

It's gonna be a hangar. They're gonna stack the planes on the stage.

It's Spirit Halloween where the airplanes dress up like other airlines.

Oh, I actually love that.

That's a pretty good—

It's kind of a sexy thing.

This will talk a lot about you. for this Strike Force Five.

Oh, couldn't we talk about something more interesting? Yeah.

Uh, episode, and also—

I like that the long form.

—the special edition of Strike Force Wives are coming back. Oh, yeah. For a prequel.

Yeah, okay, so I will say, Kate walked in just before I came to say— No, no, this one's not— Jimmy texted me, and I think I got it right, and it was that same feeling of, "Motherfucker." No, no, this one's much better.

Okay. I think.

Yeah, but I will say, you were really confident last time, to be fair.

But this is everyone's why I asked, because the one thing we all have in common is we have great wives.

Nobody thinks the problem is the wives. No, not the problem. What went wrong or anything.

I think Evie might be part of the problem.

It's not even the host, it's the producers.

I'm going to throw my—

You actually host it really well. You just produced it terribly.

Yeah, I'm just angry at— This one I think I nailed it. Who am I talking to now? The producer or the host?

Who do you think?

I was giving you a producer, but that was the host.

I don't know.

The wink. I want to talk to the producer.

I'm gonna go to the producer and ask him if he wants to be in the Stephen Colbert business.

What is that? What is this? That's a must-have. Yeah.

So, like, in this day and age, I think when the mustache shows up, you know it's a fake thing.

We only ever did that for Hitler. You do that, that's just a—

We can do the straight 'stew.

No, no, this is a fake mustache. You really? This is Hitler.

This is Hitler. No, the finger's too long.

Oh, that's not Hitler. Kokeshi's Hitler.

Shh. I'm like, "No, no, no." Straight.

No, that's— If you're listening to this—

This is me doing my dad.

It makes no sense, but if you're watching, and it's funny.

Yeah.

When my daughter was a little girl, we'd be in someplace and I was just beginning to get famous. She'd see some people noticing me and she'd reach up and she'd put her finger up there. She goes, okay, Dad, you're okay now.

Wow. No one recognizes you.

Disguise. God, your upper lip is cold.

Sorry, bud. Really? Do you have a cold upper lip? He ices it, but after— Or else it swells up.

Or else it swells up.

Swells up, yeah. I had some work done and so— Oh, it's still swelling? Well, no, they say if it gets over 55 degrees, the whole face just starts to sag.

Just shears off like a calving glacier.

Are you adding a ring every year?

No, that's like one of those, uh, O-rings.

Yeah, but you did it for yourself, and I'm happy that you're happy with it. What's that?

Yeah, I did all the work. I did all my facial work myself.

Wait, you're supposed to put the ring on your finger?

I put mine on my penis. Yeah. Oh, you— oh, you too? Okay. My blood pressure's through the roof.

Very—

I mean, I feel like that's a great joke you just made about yourself.

You know what, Seth?

I'd love to hear the O-rings reading.

This is Jimmy said, oh, you put that on You know what Seth did earlier in the dressing room that I feel like is particular only to hosts of shows? Oh yeah. We started talking about something we didn't want other people to hear, and we weren't even mic'd. Reflexively, Seth cut, almost like Pledge of Allegiance, to cover his—

where my mic would have been.

I will do that when I'm not in a theater, not at a studio. I'm at a wedding or something. I'll go, I'll tell you what. Yeah, yeah, do it all the time.

You cover? Yeah. And by the way, each time we do it, we're not being heard, probably. But, oh yeah, that's true.

That's good. We should stop doing it. Okay. Yeah, that's— by the way, the funny thing would be if you heard it great. Yeah, so it turned out all this time it hadn't been working.

I think you do hear it great because it's hearing it through your chest.

Seth was saying some very racist things and he just, just put his hand right on it.

I knew to cover it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It shows patriotism. Not to show his patriotism.

Yes. It's so perfect. I don't trust Norwegians.

I feel like when I talk about certain— well, I don't want to get into it because it's obvious I covered it, but I do feel like putting my hand over my heart makes people clear that I mean it. From the bottom of my heart.

I talked about an audio guy, he was wearing one of those shoes that separate the toes. You know those shoes? Yeah, yeah, yeah. This guy was doing some bit and he came in to put the mic on. And then I go, "Ah, interesting, you're wearing the shoes." He goes, "It's the best." He goes, "It helped my back. I had back problems and now I don't." I go, "Huh." He goes, "Yeah, they're so comfy and they're great. I wore them to my brother's wedding." And he left, and I go, "Oh, probably ruined his brother's wedding, wearing those ridiculous shoes. And it didn't help his back. I mean, give me a break." And my friend pointed at the microphones. I'm like, "But they look not bad." And he's like— he was trying to draw backpedaling on a piece of paper, like, backpedal to say something nice.

I'm like, "I totally got busted." He might have met the most interesting human being on Earth. Yeah, someone who wore those really absolute horror show of shoes for their back.

I'm guessing he wasn't in the wedding party.

I would have loved to hear the sound slap, slap, slap as it comes up, squishing. I remember when we were at The Daily Show, Asif Manvi turned up one day where he's a correspondent, and he— I heard the slapping before I saw the shoes. He walked to his office and there was an immediate sense of the meeting has to stop. He had to take physically— get him out of the building, fucking things off him right now.

Absolutely. And they peel them off.

The confidence to walk into a place where comedy writers are with those on your feet and think that that's okay?

No. When you get a bad haircut, you can't go into the office with comedians. Yes, you go, I'm surrounded by comedians. I can't even do this as a goof.

They're going to destroy me. It's a lesson you shouldn't even have to learn. That's right.

One of our writers, Mike Scollins, wore a tank top to work in the summer. No. And it's literally now every time we mention him on the show, the photo is him in the tank top.

Oh yes, I've seen that.

Literally, it was like a writers' meeting day.

And like, just everybody was like, oh, but what did you think?

He goes, well, I'm with my people. Everyone loves each other and they'll take care of me. I can wear a tank top to work.

They'll take care of me.

Yeah. There's no more permanent mistake than a mistake in a writers' room.

There is no, no one gets ridden harder than a comedian in a room with other comedians. The symbol we used to have for it at Second City, if someone did anything that was in any way mockable, is that the rest of us would go like this, go, yeah, woo, yeah, woo, woo, yeah! 'Cause we were gonna ride them all.

It's a rodeo. What are you gonna do about your suits? Will you take them all?

Originally, they said I couldn't have any of them. They did? Yeah, originally they said I couldn't have any of my suits. What? And then we said, well, we're just gonna sell them for charity. And they went, okay, you can do that. And then they said, all right, you can have your suits. So I don't mean, I'm giving them away. Like, I'm giving away to a bunch of people. I'm trying to get my boys to come in and get fitted for some suits. Yeah, sure. And I got like, I have like 18 tuxedos at this point. Really? Yeah, 'cause I get a new tuxedo every time.

Let's have a nice party and we'll all wear your tuxedos.

Yeah, sure. Oh yeah, that's a great one. Yeah. Do we know 18 people? Yeah, we can find people.

Do you have a lot of friends? No. I don't think so. Jesus fucking Christ. That's what I asked. And now this is about you.

Now let's see what Nancy says.

I got like a handful of friends. Yeah, not that many.

I remember when your recent interview with President Obama, there was a small moment where the— I love it when I see the real dickish side of you come out. When he said, I've got an interesting story, and you said, we'll see about that.

Oh, I've been waiting to say that to a guest forever. I've had that in my pocket. I say that to people on my staff all the time. They go, interesting story. And I go, we'll see. And I've been waiting to say that to a guest forever, and I couldn't believe it. We're walking down this row at his library of all the places. It's the perfect spot. And I said, what's the— this is the actual clip— was like, what's the Harkin steak fry in Indianola, Iowa? He goes, interesting story. And I said, we'll see. And he loved it, which is what I like. I just thought it was a sweet sentiment. But I couldn't believe he just delivered that. My other favorite moment of that, when he goes, Listen, he goes, look, I know when the day comes and at my funeral, I hope whoever gives my eulogy will mention the values of whatever, of our administration. I said, I'll remember to mention it. And it didn't register to him at all.

Wow, you do bad impressions of all the presidents.

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much. Jimmy Carter?

That was pretty good.

That was Carter right before they dumped him in the incinerator.

Were you mad when I was—

I was a little quick on that one. I sent it, I sent it a picture for the people at home. I sent a picture of me wearing a "The More I Jimmy, the Better I Feel," which was the first t-shirt.

Yeah, the first and only t-shirt ever produced by ABC, right?

By the way, you didn't remember all like for my birthday you guys gave me all this, like I had all this— you gave it to me, all this memorabilia.

It was on behalf of all shows, but that shirt wasn't one of them.

No, no, no, mine was more Arcana.

Yeah. I was delighted that they found that. Yeah, yeah. That was the last time I saw that shirt. I wear it to the beach and everything. It was literally a photograph of a group of African villagers wearing shirts that said, "The more I Jimmy, the better I feel." Like the Super Bowl loser t-shirt.

Yes, they sent them.

Yeah, yeah, of course. Somehow your staffer got a hold of it. Feel better? Uh, no. I will say also, I think I mentioned this the first time, I was like, "You understand there's another host named Jimmy on Late Night." Yeah.

They didn't register at all.

It was kind of generous though, because I also felt good.

Very generous.

Mon aïe Jimmy.

Yeah, thank you. Yeah, I took credit for it as well.

I got a question for you. How many— not who, don't give me names— how many guests have you interviewed and then gone backstage to producers and said, "Never again. Never have them back"? Just give me a number, not a name. And is it double figures?

It's probably not double figures. Okay. It's probably not double figures. I mean, there's one immediately from the old show I can think of. I mean, altogether, who's got the most shows? You probably, right? You've got the most shows. I think so, close to 4,000. I've got between the two shows, I'm 3,300 or 3,400. And so like double that for guests probably. And I had a guest on the old show, somebody who had left the Bush administration. And they were making a name for themselves out there as like, Truth Teller, that was their thing. So they came on my show and they couldn't have been more anodyne. They could not have been safer in all their answers. And as soon as the camera turned off, he goes, "Phew, tell you what's fucked up about this guy." And he starts really laying it out. I go, "Why didn't you say that on camera? That's why you're here." He goes, "Well, I gotta get a job in this town." And I went, that's the first one I've ever said, that person can never come back because they're not here to actually represent an idea or to be themselves.

They're being politicians while they're supposedly talking frankly about politicians. It's mostly politicians, really. I don't really like— I don't necessarily want to talk to like the second male lead on a sitcom, even though I probably went, you know, was in Second City with him. But there's not many people who've truly disappointed me. Okay. I always feel like I'm the pro, they're not the pro. And I should make this a good experience for them.

Has there been a guest who was so attractive that you found it distracting?

I'll tell you who I did not expect to be wildly attracted to, like I could— I didn't know what to do with myself, is that I did not— because I don't, I don't— I, I like this person's work, but I never thought of him as like a bombshell. I could not— I didn't know what to do with my eyeballs when Michelle Williams was on for the first time. She sat down across to me and I I was like, what the fuck was wrong with my head? I cannot, I better not look directly at her for this entire interview. There was something about her vibe, her face, everything. Have you interviewed her? Yeah, yeah, she's beautiful. She's so beautiful. Let's see, who else, who do I have trouble with? Like, are you still talking about beautiful people, right? Yeah. Okay, I used to have a Rachel Weisz problem. I've recovered, okay? When Rachel Weisz would be on The Daily Show, I would leave the building for fear that I would say something stupid to her. Even though I feel like I was afraid I would like stand in the hallway and go, hi, you know, like, you were great in the concert.

I'm Steven. You were great in the Covent Garden.

Has it been weird to find out that this whole time you were her type based on who she would work with?

I'll tell you a quick story about that. You ready? We were going around the table once at dinner with some friends of mine, and this guy's going like, so who's your hall pass? Whatever like that. And the guy next to me goes, Paulina Porizkova. And this was midway through the Colbert Report. I pulled up my phone, opened the People magazine app on phone, and I was Paulina Porizkova. Was Hall Pass. Oh my God, that's nice. Yeah, that was a flex that I've never ever been able to match on this guy. Uh, I'll tell you what, uh, who else is, uh, wildly attractive? Um, who is, uh, you know that, uh, Rebecca Ferguson?

Yeah, I will say, uh, great interview, great interview, because she's—

she brings game. Yes. This is not a surprise. Abby knows all this. Who is hers? Abby doesn't have a TV show.

Yeah, but she's seen the guests come here, come walk through.

I think it's me. I think it's probably me. Mm-hmm. That's right.

What are you saying? Jimmy, what did she say? What do you— wait, wait.

No, what the fuck are you saying?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

No, no, wait. What are you saying?

Who's Evie's Rachel Weisz? What?

Why would she need one? She has me. I don't understand. What? I don't like the implication of this.

This might be a good time—

Put the fucking cards down. What do you mean?

I didn't mean to make this a negative experience. We wanted this to be positive for you.

No, this is supposed to be your special day.

Andrew Garfield? Is he? Andrew Garfield. He's so attractive. Have you not interviewed Andrew Garfield?

And you kissed him. Or he kissed me. And he kissed you. Did he do it hanging upside down dressed as Spider-Man?

No, but we did get our fingers tangled in each other's hair. It was really nice.

Hey, we kissed tonight. That's true.

You did. Yeah.

I think I would have remembered that. How drunk was I? How drunk was I? You're my hall pass. Oh. How many men have you kissed that you don't remember? I think it might be Daniel Craig. Speaking of Rachel Weisz, for Eddie, it might be Daniel Craig.

That's a good one. He's a stud. All right.

And now, have you guys ever arm wrestled a guest? No, no. I've arm wrestled him and Krasinski, right? And, and Josh Brolin.

Big guys. What's your record?

Zip and 10. Yeah, zip and 10.

I mean, weird choices.

I even— well, because, because I think McLovin—

you should have challenged McLovin to arm wrestle.

What'd you say? McLovin. Oh, McLovin. Christopher, I thought I thought you said make love would be a challenge. You guys ever make love to Daniel Craig? Yeah. John Krasinski? Yes.

I've done Krasinski.

And I've done Brolin.

0 and 10. Were you taking arm wrestling lessons at one point?

I did. I took arm wrestling lessons to— because when Krasinski was back on, I wanted to beat him. So I started like working out. And I actually went to like one of these like professional guys because there are tricks to win. It's not all just force.

And?

I lost the least. —last time. All right. OK. Congrats.

Yeah. You also, as I recall, were taking dance lessons during the strike.

During the strike, I was taking tap dancing lessons.

You took how many? 3. 3. And you gave up. Yeah.

So I'm more and more worried about how you're going to handle retirement. Yeah. Just finding out that you have, like, you just like hobbies that you quit.

Arm wrestling, tap dancing.

Yeah. Taking up hobbies briefly and then abandoning them.

I think I might be like adult ADHD.

I think that might be it. I get very enthusiastic about things. I have a boat that I'm building in my basement.

It's like, what is going on with you?

There's a boat, there's a boat that comes in a kit. Yeah. And, and, uh, you're building an ark?

Did Noah do it in his basement?

Yes, he did. Yeah.

And, uh, the cubit kit. And, uh, I have— I'm 2 hours into it and it's a 200-hour project and I just don't have— I just— you can— now, I mean, start— starting May 22nd, I'm all in.

Will you promise to get us on the day that you finish and realize it's too big to get out of the basement?

That's the day we want to be there.

That's what we want to be there.

The weirdest thing is it's an inflatable raft.

We'll each turn up in one of your tuxedos to smash a bottle of wine against a boat. Boat will never leave the house.

I want you to know how long I've been thinking about this boat is that when we renovated this house in 2008, I measured the doors and said, we have to get wider doors because I'm going to build a boat down here. Right. And I need to be able to get it out. So it will come out.

What? No, it won't.

You'll never finish that book. Well, not with that attitude.

I don't think his attitude is going to affect me.

Oh, it will, because I'll be hearing it in my head. All I'll be hearing is, like, I'm trying to do a terrible job. You're doing a terrible job.

It's futile, Stephen. Tap dancing, arm wrestling. Yes.

All the things you've given up. What else can't he finish?

You can't make ramen either, can you? Should we do our commercials?

Yeah, let's do some commercials.

And now the word from our beloved sponsor, Mint Mobile. Mint Mobile was the original sponsor of Strikes Force Five. Yes, sir. Let's go. They believed in us when we were just a bunch of weird, sad, unemployed talk show hosts. No one knew what we were doing, but they took a leap. They sponsored all 12 episodes of our shows. All the money went to our out-of-work staff, and they gave everyone who works on our show Mint Mobile service for free. At the time, Mint Mobile was famously owned by our friend Ryan Reynolds, who recorded all their commercials for each of our episodes. And while Mint is back and giving all the money to a great cause again, World Central Kitchen, Ryan himself was too busy to record a commercial for this. But he did have time to send what in the podcast industry is called a live read ad script that he specifically requested be read by our man of the hour, Stephen Colbert. So Stephen, if you would, take it away.

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I mean, I don't know if I've ever heard anybody do a Ryan Reynolds.

That was really good.

I mean, we figured out what you're gonna be doing next.

You know, it's like Shakespeare.

Let it say. Yeah, because I mean, compared to the Obama from earlier, I mean, I didn't know you had it in you.

The Ryan Reynolds Experience in Las Vegas.

Oh yeah. Oh my God, that'd be fun.

Yeah, like Stephen comes out and does like best of Deadpool.

I'll be in Deadpool. Yes. Oh yeah, of course.

Actually, if we do it, if someone else is like, who has a physique, is Deadpool, I could just stay backstage with our mic. That's true. And talk through Deadpool. No one will even know. Yeah, yeah.

And then, and like Wizard of Oz where they pulled the curtain and go, Stephen Colbert, like a surprise.

Yep. There's only a The More I Jimmy, The Better I Feel t-shirt. That's it. And nothing else.

This is Vegas, baby. That's the important thing.

Because it's Vegas, baby. Would you guys feel comfortable naked? You would because you're fit.

Uh, but no, you wouldn't feel comfortable naked. Like, but where? Like, it feels like a key question.

When I was 19. Okay, okay. When I was 19, I was in Italy. And I was working on the Spoleto Festival, and the director Ken Russell was directing Madame Butterfly. And they wanted someone to come on at the top of— and it was set in Nagasaki in a real, like, a brothel, not like a geisha house. And very Ken Russell. And I had to walk out at the top. They wanted somebody to walk out across stage to be trying to leave the brothel without paying the prostitutes at the top while the music's going—

We know. Okay, so—

And what I didn't know was they wanted me to do it nude. Okay, and so I was, but I was 19, 'cause at first I walked out with boxer shorts on and they go, who told you to wear boxer shorts? And I said— Did they say it in Italian? Well, it was his assistant Dario and he goes, Steven, who told you to wear boxer shorts? Thank you very much. And I said, Ruben, Tara Roulian, the designer, he gave me the boxer shorts. Steven, it's a whorehouse. 'Why would you have your boxer shorts on?' And he goes, 'You should be naked.' And I said— and I thought, did the math immediately in my head. I went, 'I'm 19. I'm thousands of miles from home. I don't know anybody here. This thing isn't going to get any better looking past this.' I said, 'Okay.' And he goes, 'Oh, you are an exhibitionist.' I said, 'No, I'll do it.' So I was naked on stage every night.

And was he tugging with his thumb like that? Yeah. Did you have the glasses on?

So it wasn't really an assistant.

No glasses. Glasses. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was backstage. Glasses? No, I was not wearing glasses at all.

So it looked like—

no, I had the ring on and the glasses. It's amazing. Yeah, and a fair amount of zinc oxide.

He was like, you can't wear the boxers, we won't be able to see the glasses.

Yeah, exactly. That's what makes it fun. Yes.

Now to make it— to make it a talk. That's an act I want to see in Vegas.

Do a, do a, do Adam Little Spaulding.

Puppetry of the Penis. Do you remember that?

Do you remember Puppetry of the Penis? I do. They were in Edinburgh.

Oh my God.

Do what? Puppetry of the Penis. Two Australian guys. Everything you think— Yeah, yeah, sure, I know about it.

Yeah, yeah. They, uh, they—

So the penis was the face.

They would come out, they would manipulate. It was scrotal manipulation. Was it shadow puppet? No, they would— they would be a camera up close that would project on the thing. Yep. And they were guys with capes and running shoes. Yep. And that was it. Yep. And they would just like literally like— Why the cape? What?

Why the cape? Showmanship. Chili. Might be a little chili.

But I remember they did like wind surfer. Yeah. Yeah. They would like say it and then they'd like—

Would they have a prop like a wind surfer?

No, they would make the whole thing.

It was like—

They'd puppetry the penis.

Like claymation. It's very much— Take that, AI. You can't. It takes a certain kind of skill and elasticity of the balls. That's arm wrestling, tap dancing, It is hard to follow Puppetry of the Penis.

Right. So I guess I'll tell you the story why. I want to know whether you guys have done nude scenes.

Well, before we get back to that, I love the idea that someone listening to this would think, I did see an opera. What year would that be? 1982. Did I see Stephen Colbert's All Saints Swinging Dick in Italy?

Remember that pervert Dario who used to fuck young teenage American boys? You mean American Dario?

Dario, they had the fake Italian accent.

Yeah, Dirty Dario. Remember how his, like, the lower half of his face looked like a thumb?

Yeah, you got to take off of the boxers.

Yeah, remember we were always like, Dario, of course people at whorehouse have boxers. They come in with all their clothes.

They come in fully clothed.

People don't come to whorehouse naked.

And Dario would always trick the Americans, you know, like, he's the best. He's a whorehouse I take them off.

It's the Times Square Lego store, Dario. Not here, not now.

So no nude scene?

I've not— well, yeah, I will— listen, I use my naked body as a comedy device frequently. But buck naked? Completely naked. I have— like, one night I was playing poker with a bunch of guys, and I went to the bathroom, and I came out back in just completely naked. I'll do that from time to time.

That's not what I'm talking about. Well, I've never been— That's recreational naked. I've never been paid to be naked. No one's ever said, I'll give you cash to be naked.

Yeah, no, and nor will they.

I, as you know, I think as we get— I operate an OnlyFans where, yeah, I am willing to tell people the news while naked, only from below the waist and above the thigh.

And, you know, have you ever been naked on camera or in a theater? No, I'm, I'm Irish Catholic.

I don't—

I, I shower in the dark. Okay. I don't even want to—

yeah, I once was on the L in Chicago and a guy sat down to me and, uh, I was struck by conversation, true story, and asked me if he could pay me $20 to smell my feet. And? And I said absolutely not, but he was like really friendly. And then we got off the subway. He's like, "Mind if I walk with you for a while?" I'm like, "Yeah, sure." We just kind of talked. And I was like, "So this is a— do you have a lot of success with this?" I would have said—

"Every now and then." Wow. He literally said like, you like called it out, go like— Yeah, I was like, "So what is this?" Does this work?

Does this ever work? Yeah. And then we got, literally got to the corner and I was like, "I'm going this way." He's like, I'm going this way. He goes, are you— he literally was like, are you a maybe? I'm like, no, no, no, I'm sorry. But he made way more money.

That's very frank. That's lovely, actually. That's kind of admirable. What would have been the downside of letting the man smell your feet?

I think just because it wasn't, you know, it was a little— you'd have to go to someone's home, you know.

Oh, I thought it was going to happen right there on the—

no, no, no, no street feet.

Oh, I thought it was going to be because that's like, yeah, 100%, give me $20. Yeah, let's see the $20.

I had a thing once where I thought it would be fun to go to somebody's house to buy something very inexpensive on Craigslist. Some guy was selling one t-shirt for $5. I'm like, who would go to someone's house to buy a t-shirt? It was just a plain t-shirt. So I decided to go and I realized—

Again, just freelance, like not for something.

No, yeah, well, for the show, yeah. But I realized when I got there that it was a come-on. It was like, if you're gonna come there and, you know—

My father-in-law sold me a car.

5 more minutes? What did Jake say?

Oh, wait, we gotta do— Do we get an answer back?

We gotta do wives. 5 minutes, guys. Well, let's do wives. 5 minutes? Okay. Okay.

All right. Can we get to Strike Force Wives? Yes. Yeah, that's what he just said.

I know, but I was just thinking about editing.

Oh, editing.

Hey, Jimmy, Jimmy, can we do Strike Force Wives? Sure.

I just said that.

No, we didn't.

Hey, Jimmy, Jimmy, don't ruin the edit. I still want to do it.

At the end, though, can we know about what your father-in-law did?

Would you do me the great honor? Yes.

Yes, of doing— Of Strike Force Wives. Strike Force Wives. All right. So excited. Strike Force wives, what I did was, this is how well do you— Yo, fucking hell!

Oh my God, oh my God.

How well did your wife— I asked the wives all questions, okay? And they have to watch something.

You asked them all questions?

This is— I asked them questions, all 3, 3 questions, and they're going to— they answered.

Yeah, all the wives answered.

All the wives answered, yes. So I talked to everyone's wife. I talked to I talked to Seth, your wife Alexi. Jimmy Kimmel, I talked to your wife Molly. Yes. Stephen, I talked to Evie, your wife. And Jon, I talked to Kate, your wife. Yeah, it worked out. And then so they gave answers, and I thought it'd be interesting to see what your answers were and if they kind of match up to your wife's answers.

And what are we playing for, Jon?

World Central Kitchen. Gotcha. All right, my first question. All right, so I'll start with— I'll start with the first question. The first question. Yeah, that's good.

Oh my God.

Which one of these? Start with question number 1. Here we go. Number 1. Number 1. I'll start with Jimmy Kimmel. Okay. I asked your wife, what did your husband want for his birthday this year? And what did you get him?

Oh. Well, I never really want anything for my birthday, so I don't think there was anything I asked for. And I think I got clothes.

Okay. Molly said he never really wants anything for his birthday. Yeah, but probably to be left alone fishing. And I got him clothes. He never left. Oh, there you go.

Yeah, that's right.

You nailed it.

100%. She wants to make sure I'm never naked in the house. She keeps buying me clothes.

Clothes. And you're just like, well, no, I don't want boys to come. Uh, okay, uh, uh, John Oliver. Yeah. What did you want for your birthday this year, and what, what did you— There was nothing.

I didn't want anything for my birthday this year. You didn't? I didn't, no, no, no. Just the way the world is right now, it seemed inappropriate to want anything. Yeah, it just seemed a little crass. Yeah. What'd you get? Uh, I got some, uh, some cards, some Liverpool, uh, uh, playing cards that my children have, uh, took before I even opened all of them.

Playing cards?

Not playing cards, like, uh, players. Oh, you're a card collector? Uh, yeah, not like, not like Seth is, but, uh, yeah, my kids are card collectors, and so they've now realized if you throw, uh, cards off me, you can just take them. Gotcha.

So yeah, uh, your, uh, Kate said he refuses to ever tell me what he'd like for his birthday or any holiday in general, so I gave him this, and it's a It's a mug.

What is it?

It's a mug that says, "Flooded again." Oh, that's right, yes.

Jesus smoking a cigarette. It's a smoking Jesus saying, "Flooded again." That's right.

An angry smoking Jesus. An angry smoking Jesus. That's nice.

It says, "Flooded again." The real gift there was explaining to my children what was going on in that. "Who's that?" "That's a guy called Jesus." "Why is he smoking?" "Well, he didn't— I mean, he's mad." "What's he mad at?" "It doesn't matter. Take your cards." Seth?

She got me close. What I wanted was guilt-free to watch a Pittsburgh Steelers game that happened on my birthday. But because she's sassy, I bet she said that I wanted sex.

Okay. Alexis said dinner, just the 5 of us is what you wanted for your birthday. That's actually right. That is what she got him. That's true. Okay. That is right. Okay.

Wow, you get a lot of—

And what did she get? She got him that. They gave him dinner for just the 5 of us. That was it. He's taking a big swing.

Not this year, and I'm guessing not next year based on how this went. Wow. Yeah, uh, I think I'm getting dinner for one.

My birthday's in 2 days.

Yep, your birthday. Happy early birthday. Thank you very much. My birthday is—

Your birthday came early. This cardboard box.

Yeah, dinner with Dario.

Yeah, I, uh, I don't, I don't think I've asked I don't think I've asked for anything. I think I've been very frustrating in that regard. But now if she says what it is, then I'm gonna know what she's getting me. Can I guess what it is? Mm-hmm. Is there something? Kind of. We got two more categories.

We gotta— Okay, a tray.

Like a tray for my desktop to like put, like, you know, like a nice leather tray, like for your change and your keys, like a little organizer tray. No.

What? You let him answer for so long about the tray.

You really pounded in some moves there.

No, but that's what I'm really hoping for.

What was the answer that you were hoping? Maybe it'll turn into this.

That's what I'm hoping it's going to be.

I've been dropping hints that that's what I want. Well, Steven's birthday is actually the day after tomorrow, so I won't give away all my secrets. So she says, you still might get that. But he did say that he wants a digital subway clock. It tells you how many minutes before the next train comes on your subway. Oh, you've seen that?

Yeah, it was really nice.

I find it amusing that he wants— he hardly ever takes the subway.

Yeah, well, now I'm going to.

Yeah, that's what you've been talking about. Subway clock.

Subway clock, yeah. I never heard of it. Yeah, it's really nice. It's digital. It looks like it's like the thing that's in the subway station. Oh, I see that. Yeah. And you can put your location in and it basically tells you like what lines do you care about, what are you going to use most often, and it just keeps reading like when's the next one of those trains coming.

Uh, Jimmy Kimmel, I gave you my wife Nancy. Oh yes, that's right. You haven't been seeing this.

We got to take up pace, you guys.

All right, we're already over. We got to wrap it up. Let's go one more round quick.

You would— what did you want and what'd you get?

Okay, what did I want for my birthday this year? I wanted, um, probably this tray now, a big leather tray. I wanted a quilt.

Quilt?

Yeah, I was really into quilts this year for some reason. What kind of quilt? Like a nice, like, hand-woven quilt.

Describe it. One of my little machine quilts.

You wanted a quilt? But hand— handmade quilt.

Yeah, I think you're saying that like it's not a weird thing to want. Yeah, what—

what— everyone wants warmth.

Are you an old lady?

I— what'd you get? Well, or it could be marmalade. I wanted—

I was into marmalade. So you are— you're the oldest of ladies.

You're— you're padding. That's not what Nancy said.

And she got me— I think she got me a butter churner. She said—

Jesus, my God, really?

That's not a butter churner. Don't say you cover yourself with the quilt and use that in the bedroom. Um, he wanted a puppy. He got a four-leaf clover brooch. Oh, he didn't get a A brooch and a quilt.

I did get a brooch. You are an old lady. I did get it.

He got a collection of antimacassars.

What time do you have to get to bingo tonight?

Should we go the second?

Yeah, do we have time for this?

Yeah, we're gonna do it. We should do it, right?

Yeah, yeah, that's fine. We have to shoot. You got to be out of here in 55 minutes. There are no— we'll go so quick.

How fast can you do it?

All right, this question was, what part of your husband's daily routine is his favorite? What part of your husband's daily routine is his favorite?

Doing the New York Times crossword on my phone.

Uh, no. Alexi said Seth will say walking the boys to school. Oh, but I think your answer quick, but I think it's doing his show every night. Morning pitch meeting. Uh, no. Uh, your wife Evie said, uh, I would say his favorite part of his daily routine is sleeping, and after that is coffee and Wordle.

Unconsciousness. Unaware of the world.

John Oliver? Uh, being inside my kids' classroom in the morning.

Uh, favorite part of his daily routine is taking the kids to school and listening to them take turns choosing songs to belt out and chatting with all the moms at drop-off. Yes, I do chat.

I'm a good mom chatter. Uh, Jimmy Kimmel?

I'm trying to think of what my wife would say, and I think it would be my— invading my ears with Q-tips.

Correct. She said cleaning his ears. My God.

Favorite part of the day. It is. I feel really bad.

And Jimmy's? Oh, gosh. All right, so my favorite part of my day.

You couldn't have known this was coming.

Well, you got us at 3:30 PM in the afternoon with your gal pals down at the restaurant. Mahjong?

Mahjong. It's worse than that. I'm looking at the answer.

Favorite part of routine. I'm going to say maybe finishing the show or doing a joke that works. On the show and people laughing?

Well, she says— Scrapbooking.

On the personal side, his morning routine includes hot lemon water to drink. Oh boy. Wordle with the family before school. Listen to that. Taking a bath where I often jump scare him using a loud, low voice pretending I'm a plumber or an electrician who's arrived early for repairs. Work side, every night as soon as the show is over, I think even after all this time, he's just relieved he did it again.

Very nice, so eventually got there.

Wow.

Eventually got there, but wow. I have to say— Nancy, thank you for that. Not only like this quiz, but also the one we did 2 years ago. I don't think Evie and I— maybe once we like matched correctly. I think I have a good relationship with my wife, but we do terribly on your test. No, I have one more question.

Let's do it fast. Fast, fast, fast.

Here we go. The last question here.

This is you and Evie.

You're gonna get this one. Why did you fall in love with your husband? Is he the same as when you first met, or what's different?

Those are several questions.

But I read them as if they were one.

I know, but that's several questions.

I said, "We'll do this really quick." And then you asked 3 questions.

No, but I read them.

Answer in the form of a poem.

Real quick.

Real quick. Real quick. Real quick. In a patriarchal society. I don't think we have time for it.

I don't think we have time for it.

Are you choking? Can you breathe?

No, so when did you fall in love with your husband? Oh, my God. What do you think Evie said?

What do you think Evie said about when she fell in love? When she saw the way I treated my mom? Was it—

because she was in Italy years ago.

Oh, yeah. I got 2-for-1 opera tickets.

Was that it? No, but that's good.

I saw you ringing the bells with your dick in Italy.

I said, I fell in love with Stephen because even though he was only 27 when we met, he'd already laughed so much in his life that he had crow's feet around his eyes. I thought anyone who smiles and laughs that much has got to be fun to share the ride with. He's still the same, only the lines are deeper now.

Wow. Oh, wow.

That is a poem. That's really good. I don't think we can top that. Come on, guys.

We're not gonna even talk. Are you leaving, Seth? I think we're done, right?

Yeah, we're not gonna wrap it up. Oh, you gotta go do the science. We want to wrap it up.

We want to thank Mint Mobile, our sponsor. We want to thank Spotify for putting us on.

Yes, yes, yes. Thank you everyone for listening.

Thank you, Spotify. It is also— I will say, it's so lovely, uh, People in my audience, I'm sure your audience as well, wear the Strike Force Five t-shirt. It's so lovely whenever— I like seeing that too, yeah.

And it was a very fun thing to make. I thought it was funny that it came out right before our last episode.

Yeah, there are t-shirts available.

With that said— There are not. Oh, really? We ordered like 3,600. We sold all but about 40 of those t-shirts. Wow. Stephen put the order in. You guessed almost exactly correctly. In fact, the only shirts that were left over were tiny and huge. So we need some little people to listen and we need some very, very big people.

Real quick, we have a last show t-shirt that we're selling. Instead of The Late Show, it says The Last Show. All the money goes to World Central Kitchen as well. We have sold 52,000 of them. Unbelievable. And where can those be purchased? At Colbert Late Show eBay.

And you're still with the T at the end of Colbert? You're going with that?

You're sticking with that? Till the show's over.

Great. And then CBS says I can't have it back. The T? Stephen, they keep the tea.

Jeez.

I thank you, uh, for, for doing everything. Yes, right.

Thank you so much, guys. Great. This is about the world, right?

By the way, we will keep doing this without you, and it won't be the same.

I understand. I understand. That's fair. That's fair. That's totally fair.

Stephen Colbert, everybody. 5, 4, 5. 5. Woo! Perfect.

All right, great. All right, all right, let's blow.