Transcript of April Bonus Episode: Eclipse New

Hey weirdos, I'm Alayna!

I'm Ash!

And this is a Morbid Bonus Episode!

It's a motherfucking bonus! Before we get into it, must or might I say, your hair has such a good swoop right now.

Oh, thank you!

I just noticed the swoopage that your hair has.

It just did And I said, wow. Sometimes it falls into a good swoop and sometimes it falls into a swoop that makes me look crazed.

No, that's a great swoop.

Thank you.

You're giving Patricia Atchison.

Oh, that's a swoop. That's a nice swoop. That's a swoop-a-loop. That's a swoop. There it is. I'm into it. And you know what we're going to be covering today, everybody? Eclipse.

Eclipse. We're going to do it. I'm excited. This is, I think, my least favorite of the 5 movies.

Yeah, it's pretty gnarly. But It's—

there's fun parts of this.

There is. Oh yeah, there's a lot to talk about. Yeah. So, but before we get into that, really, really quick, go check out my socials really quick. I mentioned it on the last Morbid episode, but if you have been looking for to pre-order a signed copy of The Butcher Legacy, because I know some people are looking for some signed copies because they were gone at Barnes Noble, go check out my socials because I partnered with Premiere Collectibles and I signed a bunch more book plates that we're gonna be putting on The Butcher Legacy. And you can go snatch them up right now. It's a limited quality— quantity, not quality. It's very—

it's high quality. Very high quality. I've seen them. They're super high quality.

But they're limited quantity of them. So go grab them. Pre-order your signed copy of The Butcher Legacy. I sign them in the pod lab with my hands. They are signed. Or you can go to premiercollectibles.com/butcher and the link will be in our bio on our socials.

Hell yeah.

So go do that. And you know, I, I'll keep signing as much as I can.

She better.

You know, I'll keep doing it as long as you guys want it. I'll do it.

So I mean, what more can you ask for?

I'm saying, uh, but now Eclipse into the show. Let's fucking talk about this. God, I reread the book in one day. In like a day and a half. Oh, okay, okay. Um, I'm— and I like speed read, like it wasn't a full let me, let me envelop myself in this world.

It's probably good.

Um, but Actually, it's behind me and I need it for reference.

Uh, when I tell you this bitch has a copy of Eclipse that is full of little Post-it notes.

I do. We should, we should post these.

Yeah, we absolutely should, with the, with the bonus.

That's insane. Yeah, I got, I got into it.

So I just have a Google Doc like a normal person.

Yeah, I got one of those too. But so we got, so we got this. The book is a wild ride in my opinion.

Um, yeah, because I think the characters in the book are so much worse than they are in the movie.

They are. And I feel like that goes throughout the series. Yeah, not all the characters, but no, not all of them. And we'll get into this for sure, but Charlie is fucking terrible in the book.

And Jacob, I would say, is worse.

Yeah, he might be a little worse. Yeah, he actually is.

He's still— I mean, he's pretty bad in the movie.

Like, he is in this movie. Like, let's, let's get into it. Let's get into it. Well, first of all, let me tell you So this book came out August 7th, 2007. The Eclipse book.

God, I was 11.

Holy shit. I was out of high school.

You were 21.

Yep. And the movie came out June 24th, 2010. Okay. So just to give you some kind of idea on that, I also looked up the box office because I was really interested to see at this point what the box office was doing.

Yeah.

Eclipse actually is the highest grossing film of the series. Realistically?

Yeah.

Interesting. Um, I guess it was made for 68— the budget was $68.5 million. Oh wow. It made $760 million worldwide.

Holy shit.

So they made back that budget? I would say so. Yeah, they did.

That's crazy. I don't think I saw this one in theaters. I, I can't remember though.

Cannot remember.

Yeah, for some reason I can't. I think I watched it like when it came to like on demand.

Yeah, I can't remember. On demand. Yeah, yeah, I can't remember.

I know, I know we together saw one of the Breaking Dawns in theaters. I think it was the first one.

Yeah, we definitely saw at least one of them. Yeah, but I, you know what, in this one I have to say it's shocking, like the character, because Edward has like weird character growth, but also he like falls back. Well, Jacob just tumbles backwards. Like, he devolves in a way I can't even— I feel like it's a cat— I know she's— she didn't mean to, she says, but Stephanie Myers—

but—

or Meyer— but I— it's like a character assassination of Jacob.

I fully think so, because you and I were talking about it like before we started recording this, and in part 2, you understand Jacob. Like, he could be a little much for sure with like his feelings for Bella, but like he's rightfully angry at Edward for abandoning her in the woods, which is crazy.

Absolutely. And, you know, they're growing, they're hanging out all the time, they have feelings for each other.

Yeah. So you can— and then like, you know, Edward comes back and— or like she goes to get Edward and he's like, what the fuck? And he's like rightfully angry. He doesn't make like the best choices. Yeah. But then in this one, he just assaults Bella.

He loses his goddamn mind. Yeah, he loses his goddamn mind in this one.

Yeah.

And he's like snarky as fuck in this one.

Yeah.

But it doesn't work because like Jacob, he has like a little edge. He's a werewolf, so I guess like, you know, he's got a little something.

Yeah.

To him there, like a little edge. Like, but like, it's a little, it's too, it's not, it's not charming.

Well, that's the thing. It's not like a sexy edge. Yeah. It's like, it's like, or a douchebag.

Like, I'm genuinely worried about my safety kind of edge. And that's not where you want to be.

It's just like beyond an edge.

Yeah, but, but Edward, I got to say, because like in the first two books and then the first two movies, Edward is weird. Not great, guys. Like, like when I was first reading this, I remember being like, oh my God, vampire. Oh yeah. And even now I'm like, oh my God, vampire. But now I'm just kind of like, wow, you're like really controlling. And you also treat Bella like she's like a tiny baby child.

Will everybody know anything? Like I've said it the last couple that we've done of these, Bella is so baby girl coded.

She's so baby girl coded.

It's like, oh my God.

Like he has to explain things to her. Yeah. And he's like, well, you just don't get it because you're just like a little girl.

Well, and also like while we're talking about that, I saw a lot of people saying, because I was just like reading online forums and stuff, Alice is very similar to Edward in that way. They make it seem like her and and Bella are like bestie girls.

Yep.

But a lot of times she's kind of manipulating, or not even kind of, just like straight up manipulating Bella into Edward's every whim.

Yeah.

Like he offers her a Porsche to kidnap Bella so that she doesn't go see Jacob in the book.

Yeah.

And it's like, what? And what? She also, and like obviously I'm getting a little bit ahead of myself, but I know in the movie it kind of ends with like they're gonna get married and la-di-da-do and Alice is gonna plan the whole thing. She, Alice, like kind of forces Bella into letting her plan the whole thing in the book.

Yeah.

And it's like—

She definitely does. Okay. And she steps in a lot and is like, and it's like, it's masked like you said as like, oh, we're just best friends. And I'm just like, this is who I am and I just love doing this. But I'm sorry if like she keeps jumping in and being like, I got you this dress that you can wear for this thing. Right. And you can look like this for this. Right. And I think you should do that for that.

I'm not your doll.

Just let me in. It's like she wants to plan all the parties, which it's like that on the surface, yeah, nice, cool, she's good at planning parties, like that's fine. But it's like underneath that is like, I'm controlling everything.

Yeah.

And this is all mine, right? And also you're gonna owe me.

Exactly.

Eventually. That's how I see it.

It's one thing for her to plan like the prom party or whatever, or the grad— I can't remember if it's the prom party or the graduation party that she throws.

And honestly, she plans all of them.

But your wedding?

Yeah.

Like, you can have somebody help you plan that.

She plans her birthday, her wedding, her graduation party.

You got to plan a party, babe.

Yeah. Like, or at least give her the option to.

Exactly.

Like, no one really gives Bella the option to do anything.

No, they even tell her how they— how she feels about them.

Oh, Jacob loves telling her how she feels. And then even Edward, it's like, who I'm saying has some growth here, but like by no means is perfect. It's like He, he just, he doesn't listen to the fact that she's sitting there at one point because like obviously the whole thing of this is like Bella's like super horned up and it's just like, can we please just fuck?

And he, and Edward is like very against this because he's like, I'm gonna, I'll kill you.

And, and that, and he's like, I'll kill you, blah blah blah, I'll lose control. But then he's like, okay, when we're married, I want to wait until I'm married. And it's like, why don't you— that doesn't really make sense. One, you don't like— and obviously you both have to like decide this, but when she's talking about it, she's basically saying, especially in the book, that like she's like, I want to do this before I'm a vampire, which is fair. I'm a human, I want to experience this as a human because I don't know who I'm gonna be, right? I'm a vampire, I'm not gonna be just this anymore. And he's like, yeah, yeah, like, no, you'll still be my Bella. And it's like, no, she didn't ask that. She didn't ask her what she will be to you. She wants to do like— and you're just not listening to her.

Nobody listens.

And it's like, and obviously, again, it's not like she can force him to do it.

Like, he gets a choice in this as well, but they're not having a back and forth.

Yeah, it felt like he just wasn't lit when he just says, well, you'll always be my Bella. I was like, that's not the point.

Well, it's funny, it's literally just like Boop.

Yeah, like, it's just like, this isn't about you, this is about her right now. Like, let her tell you how she's feeling here. And it's like, and then there's that like whole thing about like, you know, do you not trust that I'm gonna turn you? I'm gonna keep my promise. And like, and then he's like, how do I know that you're not gonna get what you want and then refuse to marry me right away? And I was like, do you see how this is not a good relationship if you guys are questioning all this?

Do you see how you're 17 years old?

Like, what the fuck?

Experience more of life.

But I do have to give it Edward, when I say he had growth, like in this one, he starts kind of like we were saying before, he's like very like, "Baby girl," and he still is. But in this one, he at least says several times that he trusts Bella's judgment. Yeah. And that if she feels like something is right or the right thing to do, he just has to trust her regardless of how he feels.

But it's only in certain aspects.

Yeah.

Because like I said, he literally offers Alice a Porsche to go kidnap Bella so that she doesn't make a choice that she wanted to make.

Exactly. And that's— and he— but he is honestly, I'll give him this, he is so fucking patient with the Jacob shit. He is.

Oh, in the, in the movie it starts right away, and when I— she just hops on the back of Jacob's bike when he is like, okay, like, let's go to the reservation and I'll tell you everything that Edward hasn't told you.

It's like, and just leaves him standing there.

I'm sorry, I can't imagine if my man was Edward and I hopped on the back of somebody else's bike. My mans would not put up with that. Especially when it's your mortal enemy.

It's your mortal enemy.

That's crazy.

Like, I had— I was watching this on my, uh, my laptop this morning, and, uh, my girls were like sitting doing something like near me, and so they were kind of like every now and again looking over and being like, what is this? So I was explaining like the very generalized version of like, this is what Twilight is. And so every once in a while my oldest would look over and at one point she saw like, um, Bella and Edward interacting and she saw it a couple of times. And at one point after like the third time she goes, they don't seem like they really like each other that much. And I was like, I know. Like she was like, they're just always like, like snapping at each other. Like that doesn't seem like a nice relationship.

Well, it's funny because like they are snapping at each other all the time, like as characters, but like Also, just as two humans, they don't really have a lot of chemistry, which is insane because they were together.

Yeah, like, they were like madly in love supposedly. Yeah. Uh, yeah, it's pretty— and at one point I was pretty proud because that, like, towards the end of it, all three of my girls agreed that they would pick neither. That's good. That was like good for you. They were like, yeah, it doesn't make sense. And one of my middle was like, she was like, well, I don't really understand how she can pick either because they both hate each other.

Yeah.

And if you're friends with one and trying to like the other. That won't work if they hate the other person. I was like, you are more logical than adults here are.

Also, like, we are— they're being raised so differently than we were, because I was like, oh my God, you gotta pick Edward.

Oh my God, oh my God. I was like, don't pick either of these fools. Yeah, no, no. I was like, pick Charlie.

Not Book Charlie.

Not Book Charlie.

You can pick Zaddy Charlie.

Holy shit. Book Charlie, like maybe we should do, we're going to be out of order here because we don't do these in like a narration.

So we're just shooting the shit.

Charlie.

Yeah.

Charlie literally is the worst. Let me open my book. Book Charlie is a, how did you even organize? Is an asshole on a, on a way I can't even describe. I'm just going to go through my 17 Post-its over here.

Yeah.

Just like tons of, do you hear her flicking through this? You probably will.

Flickity flick flick.

Look at the flick of the wrist. Because I gotta find where I wrote, what the fuck, Charlie? Because that's one of the things I wrote.

Are you gonna read an excerpt?

Here, hold on. What the fuck is this, Charlie? That's what it says.

She did in fact write that.

Yeah, so in, uh, chapter 9 in the book, when I think he's talking about how like he wants her to call Jacob, he's like trying to push that whole thing, and she's kind of being like, no, I don't want to deal with this. I'm like just, you know, get out of my business kind of thing. He's like, aren't you gonna call him? And she's like, no. And she goes up the stairs and he says, and I quote, that's not very attractive behavior, Bella. Forgiveness is divine. Charlie, what?

I said, excuse me, numero uno, what a weird fucking thing to say to your daughter.

The day that I hear my husband tell one of my daughters that's not very attractive behavior—

I'm not trying to be—

is the I light him on fire. Like, that's insane. You just get rid of the whole thing.

Yeah, I'll come over.

You can't save that. Like, why are you saying that to your daughter?

First of all, forgiveness is divine.

Forgiveness is divine.

You don't even know what we're arguing about.

Shut the fuck up.

You're uninformed, my guy.

You're very uninformed. And I have more stupid Charlie shit in the book here.

Well, because even when he is informed, he doesn't really give a shit.

Oh yeah, because I have another thing that just says Charlie in here. And this is in like a, in the 300s range. And it's after Jacob has forced himself on Bella, kissing her. Yeah. And which we'll get to that because that whole scene in the book is even more upsetting.

Read that scene first because I think you need to hear how it's described in the book before you hear Charlie's reaction.

All right. So let me get to the, to the part in the book where—

Not to direct you here. I'm like, hold on, backtrack.

Read that.

Because so even in the movie, just while you're looking for that, I'll go through it. Even in the movie, like, he kisses her forcefully, and it's a lot in the movie, but in the book it is a million times worse.

That's it. And in the, in the movie it happens so fast, and it's like kind of setting fast, but it's kind of like, but you're like, oh God, and she kind of pushes him away and is like, what the fuck? Yeah. In the book, this is how it says the first kiss. This is what it says. Um, so first she starts to object, but it was too late. He stopped her before she could even say the word no completely. And it says, his lips crushed mine, stopping my protest. He kissed me angrily, roughly, his other hand gripping tight around the back of my neck, making escape impossible. Oh yeah. I shoved against his chest with all my strength, but he didn't even seem to notice. And then she says, I grabbed at his face, trying to push it away, failing again. He seemed to notice this time though, and it aggravated him. She's pushing him away and it aggravated him. Ready, ready for the next one? His lips forced mine open and I could feel his hot breath in my mouth.

Ew, you motherfucker.

And then this is the part that really gets— so that is already, you're like, what the fuck?

Yeah, no consent, that's assault.

This one little paragraph is so upsetting because I know a lot of people and a lot of women.

Yep.

Have experienced some of these things. Know this feeling right here.

Yep.

Acting on instinct, I let my hands drop to my side and shut down. I opened my eyes and didn't fight, didn't feel, just waited for him to stop. How is that even remotely romantic?

Before you even get to Charlie's reaction about that, I need to go to the archive that we always reference, Stephanie Meyer's archive.

Oh yeah, I love the archives.

So she— there's FAQs about each, uh, book.

Yeah.

And this one is in Eclipse, one of the frequently asked questions is, what are characters' biggest mistakes in Eclipse, or their tragic flaws? So she says Bella's is lack of self-knowledge. She never would have pursued her friendship with Jacob if she had realized how much more of a friendship than it really was, yadda yadda. And then Edward's, I think his was self-control, she said. "Jacob doesn't have a tragic flaw," she writes.

Oh, could have fooled me.

"He has one goal and one hope. His goal is to save Bella's life. His hope is that he'll win her heart in the process. He fails at both, but that doesn't mean he regrets trying. If he could do it over again, he'd do the same thing." Whoa. "Jacob couldn't live with himself if he didn't give saving Bella his best effort. He knows it's gonna hurt when he loses, but he knows it would hurt worse if he didn't try." 'Does he do everything right? Heck no.' I heard that, sister. 'But he's 16,' she writes, 'and he's making it up as he goes along.' Like, he should probably make it up better. 'Those who are upset by some of his tactics should consider his youth and the fact that he is, after all, right. Bella's in love with him. In the end, it's truly healthier for her to be aware of this as she goes forward with unalterable decisions.' Wow. So Bella has to be told, like, Jacob is right about the fact that Bella is in love with him, according to Stephenie Meyer. Mm-hmm. And she needs to listen to him about her feelings that he's saying she has.

Yeah.

Listen to the, listen to the man. He knows better.

She doesn't have any autonomy. She doesn't know how she feels. She needs to be told.

No. And as we will see, and especially in Eclipse, they make it pretty clear that not many women have autonomy in this one.

Like, hello?

Not many of them have it.

Hello? Also, if he could do it over again, he'd do the same thing.

Damn. I don't know. Damn is what I say. Well, and that's— and that's when it gets worse because she punches him in the face in that scene and she breaks her hand and she breaks her hand. And so he has to bring her back to Charlie. And in the movie, which like I gotta tell you, in the movie when Edward is just like appears, honey, that's— and he's so angry and all up in Jacob's face, I was like, that's what I remember.

You were watching it today.

I remember.

I go, oh, I love this part.

Yep, we were both like, oh shit, I love— that's when I like Edward. I like when he gets mad.

But even I will say, because we're about to read Charlie's reaction in the book, Charlie's reaction in the movie isn't that great either.

It's not great, but it's far and away better than this. Oh, absolutely. Because in the movie he just kind of stands between them, which I understand. Yeah, he's like, what the fuck's going on? And Jacob says that Bella thinks she broke her hand, and he's like, what? And she's like, punching me in the face. And he, he kind of like looks at him like, what? And then he's like, I tried to kiss her, or I kissed her. Yeah. And he just kind of looks and you can tell he's like, I don't know how to react to this. Like, because they're both there and like, that's weird. It's not a great reaction, but it's not great. Not terrible when you look at this.

But that's the thing.

This is much worse. And that's kind of it. So in the book, though, Jacob just walks on into the house. Welcome in. Feels absolutely nothing about what just occurred. And he's like, hey. And she walks by Charlie to go get ice because no one's getting her ice either.

Got to get it herself.

She's just going to walk over her broken hand. And Charlie says, what's wrong with her? Don't ask her, ask Jacob. Yeah. And he— Jacob says she thinks she broke her hand.

Not even she did break it, she thinks she broke it.

Like she's crazy. Like, you know, she's hysterical, girl. And he says, how did she do that? And she says, as my father, I thought Charlie ought to sound a bit less amused and a bit more concerned. And I said, yeah, sister. Jacob laughed. She hit me. Oh, Charlie laughed too, and I scowled while I beat the tray against the edge of the sink. Why did she hit you? Because I kissed her, Jacob said, unashamed. Good for you, kid, Charlie congratulated him. I have several things to say about this.

Good for you, kid.

Um, so many things to say about that. Okay, so the second that Jacob said she hit me, I can tell you with 100% certainty I would lay down my entire life on this bet that if I walked in with my best guy friend, and I know exactly, if I walked in in high school with my friend Derek, who was like, my parents knew him, like everybody, one of my best guy friends, if I walked in there with him and I was holding a broken hand and my dad said, because sure, my dad looks at him and says, what happened? Yeah. If he said she hit me, my dad would have had Derek out in the forest. 100%. He would have been like, what the fuck did you do that she hit you? Like, that would have been— it wouldn't have even been a thought.

He would have been out of that house faster than you could blink.

It wouldn't be, why did, you know, why did she hit you? It would be, what did you do to make her hit you? Like, it would be fully on him.

Why did you have to act in self-defense against—

that would be it. That— so he's saying she— I kissed her. And she was so upset that she fucking punched me in the face.

She had to act in self-defense.

And your first response to that is— what is it? Is it good for you? Good for you, kid. Instead of, oh, you did it without her consent. Yeah. What the fuck is wrong with you? Yeah, like that. And that's not even the end of how fucked up the men are around her in this scene, because it's not even just Charlie. I know, because first of all Jacob is being a little dick. Like, he thinks this whole thing is funny. Like, he's not bothered about it at all. And then when she tells Jacob— when he's like, what happened? On the phone. Edward. Or Edward. She's— he's like, what happened? And she says, I punched Jacob. His response should be, what happened? What did he do that you needed to punch him? Nope. He says, good, though I'm sorry that— though I'm sorry you're hurt.

You don't want to know why.

And she has to say several little things, like she's like, oh, I wish I had hurt him. I didn't do any damage at all. But it's several ways down where he says, what did he do?

Like, hello?

Like, do any of you care that you— if she's punching her best friend, a man, yeah, you should be concerned about what he did to deserve that.

What?

And then it gets even worse.

I was gonna say, what does he say? Because I don't remember.

So then, though, so Edward arrives. This is in the book. Edward arrives and Jacob and Edward are kind of like going at each other a little bit, like just, right, right, right. And Charlie comes in and of course only says to Edward, like, hey, like, you gotta back off. And then he says, I can go put on my badge if it makes my, my request more official. And Edward says, that won't be necessary. And that's when Bella says, why don't you arrest me, Dad? I'm the one throwing punches. Like, are you seeing anything that's happening here? And his response— Charlie raised an eyebrow. Do you want to press charges, Jake?

Brother, brother, Jake's not the one that was assaulted. How about you ask your daughter that?

And to ask your own— in front of your own fucking daughter— ask this boy.

Do you know what's so sad? Like, what? Do you know what's so sad? This is probably like at least somewhat similar to an experience that a lot of girls have probably had.

This is so fucked up.

Like, we're lucky, like, we had Papa, but I can't— some dads are like this.

I can't imagine.

That is obviously— for that to have been written in a book, that's rooted in some kind of reality somewhere, which is awful.

I just cannot fathom it.

That's insane to me.

I really can't. I can't fathom it, which is nice that we can't. Like, it is— that was the worst. I was like, Charlie, you are so attractive in the movie, and you are so unattractive in the book. Yeah, like, really are.

Goddamn, he's a bridge troll in the book. Like, that's so fucking—

is it Billy Burke who's the— yes, Billy Burke really saved Charlie Swan.

He did.

He really did.

He really, really did.

He really saved— he made him what he is. So like, hats off to Billy Burke.

Yeah, period.

And that's the thing, it's like when I say Edward had growth, it's like only so much. Yeah, because like he is quite linear again. He's very patient with the Jacob shit, like, like this kind of thing. He could have killed him right then and there, 100%, because they're supernatural creatures. It's not like these are two humans, right? But he's super— and he's baited the entire movie by Jacob. Yeah, baited. And he does manage to keep his shit together, which like, I realize the bar is in hell here, but like, that is the universe we're currently watching right now.

Can we jump forward like massively? Yeah, to when they are— so like the newborns are coming, which like we'll get to.

Oh my God, this—

if you're listening, most likely. So the newborns are coming, they're like, they mark Bella's scent in the field.

Yeah.

And her and Edward hike up to this like crazy peak to stay away from everything, and Jacob is there And Bella, it's snowing for some reason in June on this mountain peak. I realize it snows on mountain peaks, but like it wouldn't have in June.

Like actively snowing.

Actively, like there's a storm outside.

I think it could have snow on the peak in June, but like an active snowstorm, I feel like is crazy.

Yeah, definitely. So Bella's like freezing, obviously. And like Edward is fine because he's dead and Jacob is super duper warm. So he comes inside and he's like, I can't focus with all the teeth chattering. Like, let me just keep her warm. And Edward is like, no, like, fuck you. And I can hear your thoughts. Like, not going to happen.

Yeah.

He's like, finally he relents. Because Bella's gonna get frostbite otherwise. And he literally, Jacob looks at Edward and goes, "Let's face it, I'm hotter than you." Let's face it, I am hotter than you. Let's face it, I'm hotter than you. And then I said, "That's nuts." And then he says that she would warm up faster as he's holding her now, she would warm up faster if she took her clothes off.

Yeah.

He says this aloud to her in front of her man.

There's so much wrong with that. First of all, to say that at all in front of Bella is completely— while you're holding her is fucked up and weird. When she's already now punched you because you made an advance on her, and when she's made it fucking clear that she's not looking for that.

That's exactly what I'm saying.

And you're sitting there manipulating this situation and saying something so gross and like—

and piggish—

crass.

And now you— now she knows, like, she does need you in this moment. Like, she's gonna get frostbite otherwise, and you're cradling her, and she knows that you're thinking about her with her clothes.

She knows you have, like, a boner and are sitting there, like, snuggling up against her, and she can't do anything else about it because she's gonna die otherwise.

And poor Edward can hear everything he's thinking.

Yeah, like, honestly, anybody who was Team Jacob after Eclipse, please come to the front and explain yourself, please, because I can't—

I see—

I get it from the first two movies.

I see a lot of people saying that he's just a kid and like he doesn't know any better.

No, babe, he's a teenager.

But I do— the majority of people are— yeah, they feel how we feel.

I can't— and when, when he says, can't you at least— like when, um, Edward's like, can't you at least attempt to control your thoughts? That was a very nice fucking way to put that.

It was like—

and in the book he says something like, I can hear your, like, every little fantasy you're having right now. And I was Get it together.

He's disgusting.

Get it together.

So gross.

Get it together.

He also tells— Jacob tells Edward in this moment, at least in the movie, if you had stayed away another 6 months, I could have had a chance.

Yeah.

Why would you want a chance if it— if your only chance relied on the one that she actually loved being away for like a period of time? Yeah, that's not real. No, you're a replacement. Why do you want that? Don't you want somebody who just wants you immediately?

You would think.

Like, I don't understand that.

Well, then after this, like in the movie, uh, like Bella and Edward have like a discussion the next morning and the idea of like them being married. Because also they're engaged already because they got engaged the night before this, which I'm gonna get to that too because she has a wild reaction in the book to it. Uh, but she— so they're talking about it and he says something like, you know, in the book I think he says like, the best night was when you agreed to marry me.

Yeah.

And then like he says something else in the movie that, that is alluding to the fact that they're getting married. And in the movie, you know, Jacob is just like standing a little ways away.

So he's like—

so he hears it. And when he walks out, she's like, you knew he was listening. And Edward's like, he deserves to know.

I do the same thing.

Well, and then she flips out at Edward and it's like, you're an asshole.

He like runs away, kill himself.

But in the book, she—

he's like further away when he hears this, and in wolf form, and he's in wolf form.

So when he says this, all of a sudden you hear Jacob like howl in pain, like a heartbreaking howl from like a long ways away. And she doesn't blame Edward in the book because of course not. She starts blaming herself. She's like, I'm awful, I can't believe I did this, I'm the worst. Like, he even said, he's like, are you angry at me for saying that? She's No, I'm angry at myself. And I'm like, damn, you just gave zero. Like, she's just like, I'm the worst. And then Edward wants to like chill her out so much that he's like, do you want me to go get Jacob and you can like talk this out? Like, I'll go get him.

Because he's like, imagine having to do that.

And he does, he goes and gets him, and then he's like, I'm gonna give you guys time to talk about this.

That is such a— in the book, it's such an inappropriate— like, there's no boundaries with this relationship as far as like her friendship goes with Jacob.

And then in both situations, she goes to talk to him about it, and Jacob is like, you know, upset and whatever, and he just immediately starts threatening suicide, which is so manipulative. It's so manipulative. It's like, what the fuck? And then she's sitting there being like— he's like, you know what, maybe I'll just, you know, do this or do that, or maybe I'll 'You know what, I will go down and battle and I'll just let— I'll let it happen to me.' And then at one point he's like, 'Oh, you know what, maybe I could be passive about it. I'll just— I'll fight, but I'll— whatever happens, happens.' And it's putting it all on her. And I'm like, 'If I die, it's your fault because now I'm gonna die sad.' Like, no, even though I'm never gonna be with you anyway, I'm gonna die a sad boy. And it's like, that's literally not her fault. No. Um, and then there's like several times where she's like— she keeps telling him, she's like, you know I don't love you like that. Like, she said it before, I love you. Like, and he keeps saying, you do love me.

And he's like, you do love me, you are attracted to me, you just don't understand it. And he even says at one point, like, you are more comfortable with me in my wolf form because you're not attracted to me.

It's like, no, babe, she's probably more comfortable with you in wolf form because you can't shove your tongue down her throat.

Oh yeah. And she literally is like, no, it's because you shut the fuck up. Yeah, you can't talk.

That's nice.

And I'm like, take that hint, babe. Like, when she's telling you, yeah, I like you as a fuzzy creature better because One, you can't make out with me, and two, you shut the fuck up. That should give you all the information you need.

But according to Stephenie Meyer, he's correct.

Oh yeah, he's correct. But then he keeps saying he's gonna be— he's gonna kill himself, he's gonna kill himself. And at one point, she— he's like— she's like, I don't want you to go away. And like— and he's like, see? And she's like, well, no, I love you. I don't want you to go away. That does— it's not all or nothing. It's not I— if I do— if I love you in the way I love Edward, then that means one thing. But like, I want— you know what I mean? Like, just because I don't want you to go away doesn't mean I want to fuck you. Like, that's— there's plenty of people in my life that I don't want to go away.

You said this earlier, like, she doesn't want Charlie to go away.

And she says that. She's like, I feel that way about Charlie. Yeah, like, you're my family. I don't want something bad to happen to you. Like, I love you that way. And he's like, nope.

You wanna fall?

No, you don't get it. And he keeps going, keeps going, and she finally is like, I want you to come back. And he's like, you— that— he says, um, you could ask me. Because remember, and I don't think we mentioned this, but when he forced— forcibly kisses her before in both the book and the movie, Edward is like, maybe you could wait for her to ask you. Which I'm like, Team Edward.

Yeah.

And so he— and he even says— Edward said— because at one point while they're talking Um, I think Jacob asks Edward, like, what if she did ask me? And he's like, then that's it.

That's her choice, right?

I would respect her choice. Which I'm like, again, King Edward. But in this one, Jacob says, you could ask me. And she's like, please come back, thinking that's like, I'm asking you to come back. And he says, that's not what I'm talking about. So he's literally saying, I'm out, I'm gonna kill myself. Or you could ask me. And she has to say, will you kiss me, Jacob?

That's insane.

And literally the only reason that he does— that she does is to make him not kill himself. That's not healthy in any universe ever.

It's the most toxic thing.

And the makeout that they have goes on for about 4 pages. Oh my God, it's so many pages. 4? So many pages.

Fuck. How many pages? Because doesn't she picture their future together at one point?

And I guess they filmed this, but they didn't like how the makeup looked. I kind of wish they had.

It's apparently like top secret.

Like, I want it.

It was a deleted scene. And I know like if you have the DVD or like the extended cut or something there— no, there are deleted scenes that are included, but this one is like, you can't find it anywhere. But there's a couple pictures from on set. Oh, that people have.

Yeah, you can see them. Yeah. And yeah, because that's part of it is she like starts picturing that. But it's only after like he is intense, like very— he does the angry aggressive kiss where she does the same thing. She balls her hands up at her side.

She doesn't want to be kissed.

And he forces her wrist up to the— where his neck is. And she says she keeps her hand balled up. She doesn't even grab his neck. He holds her wrist there for a lot of the time and then finally lets go and then tells her she can do better than this.

Like, like she can kiss better?

Yeah, because she's not kissing him back.

Oh my—

and he's literally like, you can do better than this.

Like, that is genuine. Like, obviously the first one was upsetting. This one is so much more upsetting for some reason.

It really is. And then he says like, you can do better than this. Yeah. And she said— and he says, um, for once, just let yourself feel what you feel. And she says, I shook my head mechanically until one of his hands wound back into my hair and stopped me. And he says, are you sure you want me to come back, or did you really want me to die?

So now he's like, you wanted me to die.

And in the middle of it, because she's not kissing him back like he wants her to, he threatens again, do you want me to die?

Oh my God.

And she gets pissed and kisses him back. And then he— and she's like angry. So she wants— so she goes to like pull him away after this.

Yeah.

And he takes that as like passion. And so he goes like harder. And that's when they fall. And this is even worse. So she was trying to pull him off, angrily trying to pull him off. He takes it as passion. So he goes further. And then she said this was the moment she realized she was in love with him. Maybe that's not love, because he felt like such joy from like—

maybe that's not—

she was kissing back.

That's Stockholm syndrome.

Yeah, I said, whoa, that's, that's something.

I have to wonder, because obviously like I read that quote that Stephanie wrote on her website like in 2007, I do have to wonder in today's lens if she, if she would feel differently about—

I do wonder—

like about thinking Jacob is correct in all of his feelings.

Because I understand, like, when I first saw this, when I read this kind of thing when I was younger, you know what I mean? Or like, whatever. Yeah, like, I can understand people when they first read this when they're younger thinking this is like just so all-consuming love. Yeah, like very like Wuthering Heights kind of thing. And which she did— this is inspired partly by Wuthering Heights. Which Stephanie Meyer said she doesn't even like Wuthering Heights. Oh, that's funny. But like Heathcliff and, uh, is it Edgar and Heathcliff?

I've never seen it.

They're very— people will compare Jacob and Edward to them a lot. And Heathcliff is like a dick. I know the premise, so I know it's similar. Yeah, but it's like that— you— these things, I can understand why they get seen as like these passionate over— but when you really dig at them, it is really gross. And it's like these, these moments are really gross and they're not healthy. Right. And they should stay in fiction. Yeah. We've like, we talked about this before. I forget when I talked to— oh, I think I talked about this when I did the event with Elizabeth Arnott at Unlikely Story. We were talking about how like it's wild when people like, especially when women will fall in love with like serial killers. It's like, go and marry them again. Is hyperestophilia. It's Bonnie and Clyde syndrome. And, um, I, I was saying how, like, I just can't wrap my brain around it because in my mind I can at least sit there and, and know the difference between— because I love villains, like, in fictional villains, right? And I know that that doesn't work in real life. A villain doesn't work in real life.

I've dated a villain. It doesn't work in real life. And it's like, so you find that out, and we— and it takes people a long time, trust me. I was in my 20s being like, the villain will work out in real life. Like, what are we thinking about? I can fix him. But it's like, so I do wonder if like you look back on it now, if she could look up back on it now, if she's like, you know what, that wouldn't— well, because— but again, it's fiction, so it's like there is a line.

I see what you're saying, but I think the problem in that scenario is Jacob is not written as a villain.

That is a big problem that is overarching in this series, I think, right?

No one's not presented as a villain.

Exactly.

He is acting like how a villain would act, but he's not presented in that way. No, he's presented in like, oh, poor Jacob, like, he just loves her so much and it's true, he's really getting the shit end of the stick here, let's feel bad for him. Yeah. And it's like, no, he's acting like a fucking incel.

Yeah, it's true. That— I think that is part of the problem, is he's not given to you on a plate as a villain where you can accept it.

No, you could buy a fucking t-shirt back in the day that said Team Jacob. Of course, because you were like rooting for him to be the one that— the one that gets her, right?

And it's like, that's the thing. Like, if you're presenting me a villain— like, you're presenting me Erik Northman.

He is a villain. He is very much a villain.

He's a villain through and through. He is ruthless. He is like—

makes poor decisions, like does shitty things, makes bad—

and he— and they are saying he is—

they're upfront about it.

So it's like, you be like, yeah, like, let's make him do villainous things.

And you could be Team Eric, like, in a silly fun way.

Exactly, because you're like, well, he's a villain.

But also, I think the other problem too is this is YA. Yeah, this isn't like— this was— am I correct?

Why?

Yeah, like, yeah. So that's not— you can't present Jacob like this.

And the audience is impressionable, right? Much more impressionable than an adult audience.

I read this and was like, oh my God, that's kind of sexy. And I'm like, oh my God, as an adult, like, holy shit, like, what the assault.

Yeah.

You know, like, and really you have to think like young girls are reading this and they might be in an experience like that and then they're just going to be like, well, maybe I'm in love with this guy.

Yeah, maybe I am. And maybe he's right.

Like, that's why these things happen.

It's true.

It's not okay.

No, it's so true. I hate it.

Can we talk about the bracelet? Let's move on a little bit.

Oh my God, the fucking bracelet.

Okay, so is it the post-graduation party?

Yeah, it's the graduation party.

He shows up and this is—

she hasn't seen him after she punched him in the face because he kissed her.

And she literally like banned him from being anywhere near him. She was like, stay the fuck away from me.

Yeah.

So he rolls up to her graduation party, which is rude because he was uninvited.

He was.

And he's like, I'm sorry. Like, I know what I did was wrong, but I did bring you a gift. He brings her a fucking bracelet where he's like whittled a wolf charm together to represent him. I'd be like—

And she just wears that shit.

You're a narcissist.

Yeah.

I got to wear you around now?

That's the thing. Like, what the fuck?

But she is.

And it's like a tag. Like it's literally like, you're mine.

If there could have been an AirTag in it, there would have been. And then she wears it in front of Edward and it's just like, yeah, like Jake made it for me.

And wearing it like, you're in the Cullens' house. You're in the Cullens' house and not only that. They're mortal enemies.

She's wearing it, I think like on the mountain after they've been engaged.

Yeah. And not wearing her engagement ring. Mama, that's the other thing.

You're not wearing your ugly-ass engagement ring and you're wearing your ugly-ass wolf pendant. The fuck?

It's the way— and that, like, that brings me right to how she reacts to the marriage thing in the book, because in the, in the movie she's also like— she's more acting in the movie, I would say, like she's worried what people are gonna think.

Yeah, because she was— I think she even says like in the beginning, and like obviously it's like kind of shitty, but she's like, what do you think when people exactly get married?

In the book, it is very much like Edward is forcing her to get married. She is not in any way, shape, or form into this. At one point during their like romantic night together where it's supposed to be romantic, but holy shit, it does not. And it's like just the way that she's thinking. We'll get there. Oh my God. She says, like, she's— they're talking about it. They're talking about, like, you know, like, they're talking about, like, the whole thing of, like, you're gonna, you know, are you gonna agree to turn me? Are you gonna follow through on your promise? Kind of thing. And she— he says at some point, he, like, finishes. She's like, oh, and now all of a sudden I'm— and he says, you're engaged. And, like, he says it, like, just being sweet. Her response to that.

Okay.

Ew, please don't say that out loud! I'm not kidding.

That's like, right after they get engaged?

He literally says, "You're engaged!" and she just says, "Ew, please don't say that out loud!" They're not around anyone else.

Oh my god.

They're not around anyone else.

Can you imagine? Your motherfucking mans just gets down on one knee, he's like, You're beautiful, you're gorgeous, you look like Linda Evangelista, I want to spend the rest of my life with you. And you're like, oh my God, yes! Yeah. And then he's like, we're engaged!

And you're like, ew! And then his response, he's like, excuse me?

He says, da fuck?

And he says, are you going back on your word? And so she says, I glared at him. And then she says, and he says, are you? And she goes, ugh, no, I'm not. Are you happy now? Oh my God. And he just says, exceptionally.

'Are you exceptionally happy?' 'Babe, what?' 'Babe, what?' And he asks her, he says, 'Are you happy?' And she says, 'A little bit.' And then she says, 'But not about getting married.' Here's the thing, it also makes no fucking sense that she's acting this way about getting married.

You're obsessed with him!

She literally, at one point in the movie, says, 'I want to tie myself to you in every human way possible.' That's the most human way you can actually tie yourself. But then she also is like, it's just a piece of paper. Yeah, it's like, okay, one, no, it's not.

It makes no sense. And during—

it's so contradictory.

During that, uh, that same like night, like right before she's trying to fuck, that bitch is so DTF.

He—

and he does it in the book too, it's like a thing that happens in both. She— while they're making out, she is trying to get things going and he literally says, Bella, stop trying to take your clothes and stuff.

I would find the nearest body of water and walk all the way into it.

That would send me into psychosis. Like, I would go into psychosis.

I would die a virgin. I couldn't recover because I'd never want to.

I would never recover from that.

If you're getting freaky with your man and he says, stop trying to take your clothes— oh my God, why don't you just put a fucking bullet through my head?

The way he says it is so fucking disgusted too. He's like, 'Stop trying to take— like, you whore!' That's essentially what he sounds like he's saying there.

It's like, he's like, 'No one wants to see that. No one wants to see that.' I'd, I'd go into cardiac arrest in that moment.

I cannot with that. That stresses me out in a way that I literally can't even deal with.

I really hate it.

I can't deal with it.

Okay, so that's like, that's like the Bella and the Jacob and the marriage of it all. We also have to talk about like the whole premise, basically, like, like the overarching premise is that Victoria is back and she wants to kill the shit out of Bella.

Yeah. And here's, here's one thing about me.

Okay, talk to me.

So the way that she does that, because, you know, like Alice is like listening to her thoughts.

Yeah.

Is she needs to get some people to do her bidding.

Yes.

New vampires. So she finds this guy, Riley. Riley. And she turns him. And at first when I saw Riley running down the street, I was like, oh, okay, like, whatever. There he is. Yeah. And then they show him as a vampire. And I said, I'm into it. I was like, Team Riley. Yeah. I seem to always be Team Riley. He's very like Riley during Buffy too. Yeah, Finn comma Riley. Uh, but I love him as a vampire.

Agreed.

Didn't get enough of him as far as I'm concerned. I know, I would have loved to have seen him be menacing to everyone else. Yeah, just saw him lurking about a little bit.

It's very kind of like glazed over. I think that's one of the bigger problems too, is like I don't quite understand why she needs an army of vampires.

I don't understand Bella.

Yeah, because she could sort of just use Riley.

I guess she wanted like— I know, that's the thing. I feel like she could just use Riley, but then maybe she wanted like a bigger layer of protection. I don't know. Yeah, I don't know.

Did you come across anything in the illustration?

No, it's just kind of like the same kind of thing. It's more that she was— she is not going to put herself at risk, so she will do anything to make sure she's padded with enough So maybe that's what it is. Maybe that's—

it's like reinforcements. So because the whole thing is, I think Alice— the reason Alice can't see that this is going to happen is because she hasn't met Riley before. I think in order for Alice to see like your path, she has to know you.

That makes sense.

Which makes sense because otherwise she'd just be seeing paths left and right.

Yeah, I think that makes sense for sure. And I think in the book and in the, in the illustrated guide as well, uh, we see that Riley is like really struggling with because Victoria's pretending to love him to get him to make him very loyal, right? And so, but he's struggling with it, not sure if she's telling the truth. And but he's like really obsessed with her loving him and like needing to know that he does. And I think we didn't get enough of that in the movie.

You don't get a lot of it at all.

It would have been nice to see that. And because then at the end when Riley shows up and is listening to Edward try to tell him like, she doesn't love you, like, you're from Forks, bro, like, you know the area, that's that's the only reason she grabbed you, right? And you can see it like hitting.

Yep.

But then it just kind of doesn't— and like when he says, 'You're dead.' Yeah. Also, for some reason I was like, 'Whoo, Riley!' Uh, but oh, that immediately does—

I thought that was kind of lame.

I kind of loved it. Okay. I wanted it to go further though. I hated that it got cut off.

It does. And also like the way he dies though is cool.

It is.

Because the wolf— is it Jacob that comes?

No, I think it's Seth.

I have no idea. All the wolves just be coming.

I think it's a little baby Well, he just like rips his hand off.

And I love the way they break like glass.

Yeah, they shatter like marble. Well, and I think if we had gotten more of him being like in the movie, being like so obsessed with Victoria and like being so insecure and having this like undying loyalty, like you get a little bit of it in the movie. I just thought it could be a little further because I think then the end scene would have hit a little harder. You would have felt more like, oh, fuck, man. Like you were like, you would have felt a little bit more like that. When you were just kind of like, oh, that sucks, bro. Like, I was just kind of like, bye. Yeah. And I think he was very good at being menacing.

Yeah, I think so.

Because that shot of them all coming out of the water could have gotten really fucking super hokey. Okay. And he's scary in it. Like, his face is scary.

He's for sure scary in it. But that shit is funny.

That was crazy. And that's the thing, it's like, it could have been so much more menacing, I think, because he had like the— he's played by Xavier Samuel and And I think he did a great— I think he would be really good at a villain, like a bad guy, because he, he had menacing vibes to him. He just wasn't given enough to work with, as far as I'm concerned. Yeah. Um, but yeah, I loved— I thought when they shatter into glass, I'm kind of obsessed with it, especially when Victoria does ultimately get killed. Yeah, but I'm also— oh, she— hers is so cool.

Hers is really cool, the head.

And it's— and it literally looks like crystal.

Yes.

And, but which is cool, but I also wonder sometimes why Stephenie Meyer overcomplicated some of her lore because she really wrote herself into like, she like wrote herself into corners sometimes. Yeah. Because like, they're like supposedly supposed to be like stone, like marble. Yeah. That's why they're cold. That's why all that, like they're hard, bop, bop, bop.

That's why they're clanking when they have sex. That's why that clanker has to listen to his family clanking.

You gotta follow Sarah Gallagher on TikTok. I said this in the other ones, but keep doing it because she's so funny. Illustrates that with bowls, and she'll be like, this is all they hear, and she just clinks them together, and it's funny as shit. Um, but also, they cannot— there's several layers to this. They only kiss closed-mouthed in the book. Yeah, because one, he has marble-hard lips. So in one of the— in the beginning of the book, she says and I, and I quote, if I had my way, I would spend the majority of my time kissing Edward. And she says, there wasn't anything I'd experienced in my life that compared to the feeling of his cool lips, marble hard but always so gentle, moving with mine. Marble hard? Like, that doesn't sound fun. And then on top of that, they can't open their mouth to kiss. The venom, because venom is every single one of their bodily fluids, including their saliva, right? So they can't make out.

Yeah.

So it's like, why did you do that? Like, why did you make it like— and I think, and again, I think this is like a— we're bringing the, the desire kind of thing to like a breaking point kind of, because they can't even open mouth kiss. You have not they even made out.

Well, I'm also just like, if you like, you want to spend all your time— are you just like—

that's the—

they're literally just going pecking over and over again because that doesn't sound very enjoyable.

And I'm like, that's not— and they couldn't do that in the movie, so they were like, you know what, fuck the Venom thing, we're just gonna like have to make out. And when it's like, when they can't translate it into film because it's that wild— yeah, that you gotta rethink that one. Like, that one, that one's just like— I'm surprised nobody was like, we should rethink this one because it causes a lot of problems later. Like, That's just, that's a lot. Like, I don't understand. I'm like, that, I feel like that could have been taken out. Yeah, I don't think all their saliva needs to be venom. And again, like, she's, you know, she's Mormon, so it's like there's a lot of like, uh, very chaste and, yeah, you know, uh, like abstinence, in favor of abstinence before marriage kind of undertones that we all know are flying throughout this.

Yes.

And I think this just adds to it because it's like, not only can they not fuck, but they can't even open-mouth kiss because he's got venom in his mouth.

Wild.

Like, it's— it really is— it's like such a—

does the venom get into her mouth a little bit in the first one, and doesn't she like almost pass out or something?

No, I don't think they— no, because they don't— they don't follow that lore, like, at least from the mouth mouth. Like, that saliva has venom in it. Okay. I think in the movies they don't follow that.

No, no, I mean in the book. Doesn't something weird happen in the book where she almost passes out when they kiss?

Oh yeah, she does almost pass out when they kiss, but I don't know. I think that's literally just because she— because they don't open mouth kiss. That's her path. And I think we talked about it. She was almost passing out just from a marble hard, tight-lipped kiss. Fuck. Yeah. So then again, when I look at it that way and then I say, okay, so when you started making out with Jacob for 4 pages and you could actually make out with him, you probably did fall in love with him in that moment because you're probably like, holy shit, like, what is this? Yeah, like, what's going on? But yeah, so that's, that's wild. That's wild. Yeah. And then we still have, um, Confederate Jasper.

Confederate Jasper gets more Confederate.

Oh, he gets— he's calling people ma'am.

Ma'am.

And suddenly he gets more real, real thick drawl. Yeah. And only in some parts, though. Only sometimes.

Yeah.

And when he does, he's just so proud to be a Confederate. So, so proud to be the youngest major in the Texas Cavalry.

He lied about his age.

I said, why do we— why, why are we harping on this? Because that's— it's like, he can be from the South, from that time period. Yep. And you could do so many different things.

You could have ended up—

you could have made him just, you know, from— you could have made him from a really fancy-ass family.

Yeah.

And he's just a Southern gentleman, you know.

Yeah, that would be nice.

Or you could have made him be so that, like, he in the war on the Confederate side unwillingly.

Yeah.

And that, that he carries that and that he says, I wasn't for the cause, and it haunts me every day that I had to be part of that.

And maybe that's part of why he has that power of like that feeling, whatever emotions, and like feel them.

Exactly. Like, you could make that a part of his past. Nobody's saying that you, you pretend the Civil War didn't happen and pretend that Confederate soldiers don't exist. So like, I don't— there's many ways to make that something in his past that you could get away from it, but they just whole chest make him not only a Confederate soldier, a proud past Confederate soldier, but he is so psyched to bring that shit up again. When he's talking to Bella about this, he says, when I was human, I lived in Houston, Texas. I was almost 17 years old I was almost 17 years old when I joined the Confederate Army in 1861. I lied to the recruiters and told them I was 20. I was tall enough to get away with it.

Jesus Christ.

And then he says, my military career was short-lived but very promising. People always liked me, listened to what I had to say. My father said it was charisma. But he says the Confederate Army was new and scrambling to organize itself, so that provided opportunities as well. Oh, and I'm like, so we're like, we're real. He's just like, yep, killed it, loved it, let's do it. I'm gonna use my skills from there for this. Because even in the same scene, he's explaining to Bella how he was turned, and he's turned by this woman named Maria, um, and he was like, she was this Mexican woman that he had met while he was in the Confederate Army. And he's talking about it and he says her features were clearly Mexican. But she was pale as marble in the moonlight.

And it's like, there's a lot wrong with that.

There's so much happening there. But I'm also like, so they even double down there by saying— and in the book and in the movie they double down there by saying, even though this woman could have had like, uh, like brown skin or olive skin or some type of like, you know, complexion that is different from pale white, right? She didn't, right? No matter what, you always are just pale white. Yep, you're pale white as you're talking about a Confederate soldier being turned by— it's just, there's so much, and I'm just like, this is so weird.

It is.

It's weird that it just gets passed over, and then it's weird that like we're supposed to love him and Alice, but I'm like, Alice, what the fuck? He's a Confederate soldier. Like, I don't— like, you gotta— and he's, and he's still proud of it, babe. Not once have I heard that man say, "I wouldn't join today." Or like, "Give 'em some." Well, that's the thing.

That's what needed to be in there is like, "I am this great soldier and I can—" You know what would've been perfect? Had he struggled leading. Yeah. Because the whole thing is like Jasper's helping them. Yeah. Like make an army together to face the newborn vampire army. It would have been even better if he struggled getting back into that role because he had so many regrets. Exactly.

It's like that. He just— he, he had all this regret. He has all this, like, shame on his shoulders. Yes. And also the Confederacy lost, so he wouldn't technically be a great leader because— period. Because let's be real, the North remembers. Like, that's— let's just be real about it.

That's just history. Coming out. Just, just It's history, baby.

But it's like, why did— I think I just don't understand why. Why was it brought into his present? Why is he proud of it? Yep. Why is it a part of everything? You could have had— because I don't see something wrong with having somebody in that time period, because it's a vampire, they're going to be from all different time periods. Yeah. And people are different in different time periods, so I can see having somebody who was a Confederate. I, I will even give you that, which is giving a lot, a lot, because I personally wouldn't do that. But I can at least try to wrap my brain around it, like having it be historically accurate, historically accurate, having that be his past and having that be part of him becoming what he is today. Yep. That's the thing though, make him grow. Yeah, there's no— and I don't— when he's sitting there being like, hell yeah, like I was getting back into his youngest major in the Texas Calvary, it's like, fuck, you're just like, I don't know about that. Like, I don't—

I just don't know about that. It's not good.

So that was weird. Um, I thought that was a whole weird thing.

Another backstory though that gets revealed is Rosalie's.

Yes, Rosalie's. And this— Rosalie's a lot to say about. Rosalie's is awful. It's—

but I love her fucking revenge arc.

I absolutely love her revenge arc.

I don't think we got enough of it.

No, I don't think we did either.

I would have loved that this was rated R so that I could watch her slaughter all of those. Oh, it would have been sick.

I wish. Oh, one thing I noticed in the book, uh, and I forgot about this— Rosalie is far more palatable in the book to Bella. Like, she's nicer. She's not nice, but she's like nicer, nicer. She's more like respectful and less mean girl in the book. I feel like she's got mean girl energy, but Nikki Reed, I think, plays her— I, I almost— I like her Rosalie better than the book Rosalie. Yeah, because I think Nikki Reed does like, just fuck y'all so well. Like, she has that perfect delivery and perfect face for it. Like, she can give such good expressions. So it is different to see Rosalie be so different book and in movie, but we get the— we get her backstory because she kind of storms out when, uh, at least in the movie, when, uh, Belle is talking about being turned, uh, when Belle is kind of like being weird with Emmett about it.

Yeah, she's low-key flirting.

I was like, you're like, maybe don't do that. She would annoy me, to be quite honest, when she was talking to my— to my mans like that. But Rosalie in the book is talking about— and, you know, she goes on, she tells her like, this is why I don't think you should be so excited about about being turned into a newborn. Yeah. And she tells the backstory. She says she came from like a middle-class family, she was married, but she said she was a looker. That was what she had going for her. She was the most beautiful girl that anyone had ever seen. And she even says in the book, which I literally wrote WTF, she wrote she was pleased. And she says, pleased that men's eyes watched me everywhere I went from the year I turned 12.

Oh, and I said, not good, that's upsetting.

That's not good. Um, but, but that aside, uh, she talks about how she was, you know, hooked up with this really fancy son of a banker, Royce King. And Royce King and her were gonna get married, they were gonna have a lavish wedding. And she says she was never jealous of anybody because she was a fucking dime piece. What did she have? She's like, what did I have to be jealous of? She says, except my friend Vera. And she says, my friend Vera was married to a good man and she had a little boy.

And doesn't she say like Vera was like fine?

Oh, she, she says that later. She doesn't say that until later. But she says it, and Vera had a little boy, so she was a mother. And she said she wanted that. And she's like, and I was jealous. For the first time I felt jealous. And she, but she's like, you know what, she's like, and I, you know, I went to her house one night and as we were leaving her husband, when he thought I wasn't looking, gave her like the sweetest kiss on the cheek. And she said, and for a minute I thought like, Royce doesn't do that, and like, that's not— and then she was like, but whatever, like, I'm gonna have kids someday with Royce and it'll be amazing. I'll get the future that I want. And this bothered me. This is just like a writing thing, probably because I'm like deep in writing right now, so I'm like very— I'm nitpicking all writing. But she wrote, Royce was my prince. Someday I would be queen. And I said, you're gonna be his mom? Yeah, like, that's— somebody should have caught that. Somebody should have been like, oh nope, you either have to be the princess or he has to be king.

Yeah, like, you can't— because I was like, that's— that doesn't make sense. No. And that's nitpicky in the book, but I'm like, ah, no, but I get that.

I was like, you're gonna be—

it's just weird. Like, I don't get it.

Don't be his mama.

But she says that, you know, she was leaving that night and she happened to run into Royce and his friends who were drinking on a street corner, and he starts being like, oh, like, look at my future wife, isn't she hot? And they're like, she's wearing too many clothes. And they literally, like, they assault her.

Yeah, like, isn't it like the night before she's to be married?

I think it's soon. At least they rape her and they brutally assault her and leave her to die on the ground. And I think in, um, at one point it says that, uh, in the book he says that when, um, when they were leaving, she could hear them literally saying like, you're gonna have to find a new wife, I guess, because they were like, oh, she's dead, we killed her. Like, that's how little they cared. Nice. And what she does is she ends up getting turned by Carlisle, who comes across her bleeding. And in the book, she's met Carlisle. Carlisle is the town doctor. Oh, okay. And she doesn't like him. Oh, and she doesn't like him because she said him, his wife Esme, and who were they were saying Esme and Edward were sister and brother, right? And so she said that they all, um, were more beautiful than her, and it irritated her that the men were more beautiful than her. So she didn't like him.

I'm obsessed.

And she says, so when he comes to save her, she's like, what the fuck? She's like, fuck, of course these fuckers are These more beautiful fucks are going to save me. So of course, Carlisle turns her into Vampire Rosalie. This really got me because she says she woke up and she says, shallow as it was, I felt better when I saw my reflection in the mirror the first time. Despite the eyes, I was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. It took some time before I began to blame the beauty for what had happened to me. For me to see the curse of it, to wish that I had been, well, not ugly, but normal like Vera, so I would have been allowed to marry someone who loved me and have pretty babies. Fuck.

Imagine reading your best friend a filth like that.

Not only did you just read your best friend a filth like that, but you're literally saying I was trans, that hot girls have it coming. And it's like, I'm sorry, what? That's—

you being beautiful had nothing to do with the fact that you were raped by multiple men and killed and left to— or like almost killed and left in the streets. And everything to do with bad men. Yeah. Has nothing to do with how beautiful you are. Holy shit. Nothing. Holy shit.

And a better way to do that would have had her sit there and say, I blamed me for it, right? I started to blame me for it, but then I realized it's them. It wasn't my fault, it's pig-ass men who did it. And that's why, like, that's when— and that's when I attacked them. Because then after that, she says, this is so good, I picked them off one by one. And in the book, she's like, I've only killed 5 humans in my life. And she's like, it was all of them. And then she says— and she says, I didn't— I've never drank the blood of a human. She says in the book she's the only one besides Carlisle— or no, Esme, okay— that hasn't, uh, drank the blood of a human. Wow. And she says— and when she says, I've killed 5 humans, and she was like, but I didn't want their blood in me, like, fuck that. What a queen. And she says, uh, and she says, as she's saying, I left Royce for last because he knew I was coming because all of his friends had been murdered before him, she goes, so I killed 5 humans.

And then she she goes, "Oop, 7. Just kidding." Because of the doorman. I was like, that's amazing. I was like, I love that. Oh, wait a second. 7. Just kidding.

But I love too that she left him for last.

Left him for last and then banged that door down wearing a fucking wedding dress.

That is some Ready or Not type shit.

And when she says, "I was more theatrical back then." I love it. Nikki Reed eats that line too. She eats this scene.

Because you can see in her eyes that she's like reminiscing on it. She's like thinking about it. Like, that was great.

Oh, how fun. Yeah, like, fuck that.

I love it. I wish we got so much more of that in the movie.

I would love to see all of their backstory. I want to see Alice. I want to see all of them. I mean, I could— we saw— I'm like, you gave me Jasper's and you don't give me anyone else?

Alice is so sad. She was like locked away by her parents.

And I would love to see Gift. Yeah, like, I want to see Emmett. Like, what the fuck happened? Show me Emmett.

Emmett was getting like mauled by a bear or something.

Show me that. Yeah, let's show me what's going on.

And then Esme, I think Esme's really sad. She, according to the illustrated guide, um, I think her son died and she jumped off a cliff.

Yeah, there was like crazy— yeah, that one was really sad with that one. It's— yeah, I would have loved to see that because I, I thought that was awesome. Yeah. And I just— and it— I like how it gave you like a little— I do love that they gave you a little more to why Rosalie is the way she is.

I do too. You know, she's like, why would you give up?

Yeah, my dream. She doesn't do it in the movie, but in the book she talks about how she because Bella's like, why the fuck did you— why do you hate me? Like, that still doesn't answer the question, like, why are you so mean? And she's like, well, she says that, and then she says, and also she was like, I hate to do— like, she's like, I'm not trying to like be stupid now. And she was like, but she was like, it annoyed me that, uh, Edward thought you were better than I was.

Because they were originally going to be together.

They were. I think Carlisle had wanted a companion for Edward, but Edward wanted nothing to do with that. And she says, she was like, he wanted— he never showed interest. And she was like, and to be honest, I thought he was annoying too. Like, I didn't want to be with him. And she was like, I still don't. And she's like, it's not because I want to be with him, I've just never been the second best.

I've never been turned down.

I've never been the not the most beautiful.

She's like, I've never been the Vera.

Yeah, I'm not the— I'm, I'm the Vera now. Like, what the fuck is that?

The normal looking—

yeah, no, fuck that. Like, she's like, I hate it. But she— and she even says something in the book about how, like, when they met the, uh, was it the Denali tribe? Oh yeah, yeah. And she says, like, it's all females. And like, I thought, you know, like— and he didn't show any interest in any of them either. I'm like, what the fuck? Like, we were like, what's going on? Until you came. And later Bella's like super insecure about that, and it's like, did they show interest in you? Like, who's that? And then we find out that one of them did. Like, and I think she comes in Breaking Dawn. I think we see her. Oh shit, I'm pretty sure.

I don't remember any of that.

I can't remember who it is, but interesting. But yeah, I love Rosalie's, uh, backstory, except for the fact that she's like, you know what, it was just because I was too hot. If I had been ugly, I would have been fine. It's like, whoa, everybody's flawed. That's, that's not it at all, babe.

Speaking of like relationship dynamics though, we should talk about, um, Emily and Leah and Sam.

Fuck yeah, we should. That is—

got some of that fucked up story. Yeah, so Sam is like the leader of the pack, the alpha, and he is married or I think engaged. Yeah, Emily. And she's the one, like, last time we were talking about, like, she has the scar on her face because she was too close to him when he phased once. And now I think this is the first time that we're introduced to Leah in the book and the movie. Yeah. And she has phased. And remember, her phasing killed her father. Yeah, he had a heart attack. So she gave him a heart attack because he didn't think that, like, a girl could phase. Yeah, because previously it was all just the boys that did. So she originally dated Sam. Yeah, for 3 years in high school. Her— and this is all according to the illustrated guide— her junior year of high school, he just went missing because I think like weird shit was happening to him, happening to him because he was going to be phasing soon. And then he did. He comes back after he's phased and is being like super duper secretive with Leah and won't tell her anything, won't say where he was, like nothing.

And then he goes to a barbecue at her house with her family and Emily, her second cousin, is there.

And like best friend.

And literally, yeah, it literally says they were raised like sisters. Like they spent all of their free time together, like bestie girls. He sees Emily at this party as he's holding Leah's hands and imprints on Emily, drops Leah's hand and walks over to Emily and is like, what the fuck is up, girl?

I light the place on fire. What the fuck?

Now this is all according to the illustrated guide. It goes so deep into it. I actually do recommend it. This is the first time that I've looked at it. I bought it myself. So at first Emily's like, fuck no, that's like super messed up to my bestie girl cousin sister Leah. What the fuck? Like, I would never do that to her. But then she just like can't really help herself, it seems.

Well, that he— that night he leaves the party Emily, and the next day he breaks up with Leah. Yeah, like, inexplicably. And then starts pursuing Emily, and Emily's like, what the fuck? And she tells Leah, and Leah's like, what the fuck? And in the illustrated guide, it's like she can't help herself but be attracted to Sam either. And I was like, but that's not how you set imprinting up to work. It's not supposed to work that way because it's supposed to be like the, the wolf is the one that's imprinted and like obsessed. He's the one who can't stop. In fact, act, and I'll find it because what the fuck. I have a note here that says imprinting is fucking gross.

Well, because while you're looking for that in the illustrated guide, it also says that it is physically painful for Sam to be away from Emily now that he's imprinted on her. Like, he can't be far away from her after that.

Like, that whole thing when, like, she— you know, they get together and they do, and Emily's like, yeah, she's like, I was trying to keep you know, I— but I couldn't stop, so we had to be together, and I just decided to betray my friend. And it's like, okay. And then she's like, I tried to make it like not super uncomfortable for her. Then she asks her to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. Emily, get fucked. Go fuck yourself. Get fucked. You— that is not girls-girl behavior. Are you fucking kidding me?

If I was Leah, I would say I'd rather shoot my kneecaps out, both of them, myself, than be in your wedding.

Thanks so much. Go fuck yourself. Guess what? I hope it sucks, okay? I will not be there. No, I'm not gonna buy an ugly dress for your fucking wedding to my ex-boyfriend, you absolute trash asshole.

Like, are you kidding me? I would.

Oh my God, you fucking dick muncher.

I would, I would, I would go Walter Frey, Walter Frey and Red Wedding. I'd kill them all.

I would show up in chain mail and I'd be like, let's go, get the Reigns of Castamere playing, everybody.

And then I'd ride away on a direwolf.

Fuck y'all. I was so mad for her when I read that in the illustrated guide. I was like, fuck you, Emily. So then in the book, speaking of imprinting, in the book Jacob mentions that—

I'm sorry, I'm just picturing you in chainmail. Yeah, that's Walter Frey. Striking up the band.

Let's go. You got to play Reigns of Castamere. You do. You do. So Quill, one of the wolf pack, has met the lovely lady with which he's going to imprint upon. He's imprinted on one of their cousins, Claire. And they're like, yeah. So they're just like, kind of like Emily doesn't really want him around Claire. And then Belle is like, Belle is like, well, that's weird that Emily would be like weird about him being a wolf. Like, is she being like stupid?

Like, she's— she's being engaged to a wolf.

Like, what the fuck? And he's like, well, no, um, it's because Claire is 2 years old. And I was like— and then he goes, don't be judgmental. Don't be judgmental. Oh, okay. Don't be judgmental, period. I'm calling the authorities. Like, what do you mean don't be judgmental? Hello, 911? That's insane. Hello? Are you— what? And then he tried— he gets real defensive about this. Like, this is— I'm like, I'm sorry, if part of your whole vibe and aura is that your, your people fucking imprint on babies. Yeah. And that there's no man imprinting on a boy, there's no girl. There's no same sex. So it does imply romantic and also they imply romantic things. Here, even though they say there isn't, they always end up together. Yeah, and that's the goal, right? So it's like, there is romantic shit here. It's predatory. Fuck that. And so he— and he gets so defensive about it. I'm like, I'm sorry, you need to be a little more open to the fact that this is gonna fucking horrify everybody you tell. Absolutely. You need to understand that. And so he says— she's like, yeah, that's really fucking creepy.

Like, I'm not gonna lie to you, bro. Yeah. And he's like, it's not like that. You've got it all wrong. And then he says, I've seen what it's like. There's nothing romantic about it at all. Not for Quill. Not now. And I'm like, nope, that's still predatory, babe, because he's just waiting until she's of age.

That's still weird. That's even weirder almost.

And it says, um, it's hard to describe. It's like, it's not like love at first sight really. It's more like gravity moves when you see her. Suddenly it's not the Earth holding you here anymore. She does. The 2-year-old and you're telling me that's not weird? What the fuck? You're telling me that 2-year-old who just shit her pants is holding you to the earth right now?

And she is.

Like, that's what I'm like— it literally—

in the illustrated guide, it said from the inside, there could be nothing more pure than Quill's feelings.

Shut the fuck up, Stephanie!

He would never do anything to hurt her in any way, mentally or physically. I'm like mentally she might be fucked up.

But it's hurting me mentally, okay?

But it was mandated by the bond between them. All the wolves could experience the nature of his feelings for her, so they knew exactly how deep it was, but also how platonic it was. No! But they knew it was something that outsiders would not be able to understand, so they kept the imprinting as secret as possible. I'm also like, that's even more fucked up. That's also really nefarious. But Qwill could only be content with his situation as long as Claire was happy and safe. Life, he was satisfied with life.

No. And this is the thing, they're like, no, it's totally platonic. Really? Because what does this mean when he's saying there isn't, you know, there isn't a toddler on the planet that will be more carefully looked after than that little girl will be? That's weird and predatory. I like it. And then when she's older and needs a friend, he'll be more understanding, trustworthy, and reliable than anyone else she knows. And then when she's grown up, they'll be as happy as Emily and Okay, so you just ended up together with them fucking.

So why couldn't they end up more like a brother and a sister? Why can't they do that?

Because it's not platonic.

I'm like, do you know what platonic means?

It's because they're not platonic. Nothing about it is platonic. They always end up together. That's the goal. The goal is for them to end up together. And I hate that they present it like that's not the case. I'm like, that's— why the fuck did you make that up. Why did you make that a reason that she— I don't even, I don't even know.

Because I think she needed somebody other than Jacob to imprint on a child. Horrifying.

Which is fucked. That— why did you need to imprint at all? Why does, why does this need to be a thing? Great question. It's weird.

In the illustration, God, it literally says, of lesser concern was the fact that so many members of the pack was— were imprinting. According to legend, imprinting was a rare event that the majority of werewolves would never experience.

But suddenly everybody's imprinting on everyone? They blame it on the Cullens.

Oh, please. They say, "The pack theorized that the increase in imprinting frequency was due to the continued presence of the large Cullen coven. Their genetic subconscious was compensating for the constant vampire threat, pushing all of them towards paths that would result in a strengthened werewolf presence." But—

You know what that means? Procreation. Which again points to them creating babies by fucking, which means they are not platonic.

Well, and also, of course, Of course, that theory was dependent upon the truth of their first theory, that imprinting existed in order to pass on the werewolf gene, a theory that in light of Jacob's imprinting experience has been called into question.

This is what I'm talking about.

So like, you're just contradicting this shit.

Literally just contradicting the shit I just read.

Contradiction, contradiction.

Because you are saying the whole point of imprinting is to keep that vampire gene going by fucking. First, spreading seed. That's platonic.

First you're saying imprinting is super duper rare and doesn't happen, then you're saying it's the Cullens' fault, and now it's to spread seed, unfortunately, but at the same time is somehow platonic.

Platonic.

And also to continue on the legacy, but then it's not because Jacob imprints on a vampire human. Yeah, named Renesmee. Named Renesmee Carly. That's the other— Carly. Can we talk?

Which is Charlie and Carlisle together. So one last thing before we go there. Go, girl. That made me crazy is Bella. And when she tells them about Claire, the 2-year-old—

the 2-year-old that has no choice in this matter—

she says, doesn't Claire get a choice here, period? And he says, of course, but why wouldn't she choose him? And I said, okay, you can take several fucking seats right now. Why wouldn't she choose him? Because she's 2. I don't know. And he's the fucking adult.

There's a million other men on the planet and she might like like someone better because he's an adult that has known her since she was born. He's like a weird uncle.

He's a weird fucking uncle that's waiting in the wings to date you. That's weird. Of course she doesn't have to choose him. That's bullshit. And it's just like showing like they, they don't have a choice because their only choice here is to one, give into it because why wouldn't you? And if you choose not to, then now you have just destined this poor man to a life of loneliness because he— you are his one true person. Not only loneliness.

If you don't end up near him, if like in physical location, he will be in physical pain.

And that's the thing. So it's like, so it is totally on this woman. Yeah, this now— oh, excuse me, this 2-year-old.

No pressure.

That if she doesn't go with this and doesn't fall in love with him, that he now is just going— you've destined him to loneliness for the rest of his life, to be alone and in pain. Yep, babe. What the fuck? Come on, come on.

So while we were reading all of that, we were like, and then the Renesmee of all which— of it all, which we're gonna get to in part 2.

Oh yeah, or in Breaking Dawn. In Breaking Dawn.

But before we get there, so we were just saying that obviously Renesmee is the combination of their mom's names. Yeah. And then Carly— Carly is her middle name according to the guide, which is a combination of the dad's names. So I said, what would my child's name be in that case?

It's pretty iconic. Iconic.

Are you guys ready? I don't think you're ready. Donny Johto.

Donny Johto goes so hard.

Donny Johto. Hello, I am Donny Johto. Amazing. Donny Johto would be Carrie Dak.

Carrie Dak.

Carrie Dak and Donny Johto.

Why do they sound like two, like, Carrie Dak and Donny Johto?

I feel like they could go on a grand adventure together. They would. It. I think they're like, they're like explorers.

They are. I think so.

I like that a lot. I'm never going to be over Donnie.

Donnie Jo goes so hard. I love it so much. It really does. Um, you know what doesn't go hard though?

Tell me, girl.

Fucking Victoria's hair in this.

Okay, so let's talk about, let's talk about the switch up. So yeah, who was the original actress that played Rochelle Lefevre?

Oh yes, cuz she's not in this one. She got recast.

Bryce Dallas Howard. And it's interesting. So I was looking up like why she got recasted because she's literally like— no, no shade to Bryce Dallas Howard, whatever. No, she's just not Victoria.

No, she's not. She's just not.

She's not the original Bryce.

The original Bryce Dallas Howard.

I was gonna say the original Victoria was perfect. Yes. So Rochelle ended up getting recasted because there was some like flaws in her, um, um, in her contract where she couldn't go do like another movie in the middle of filming. Yeah, like for a super long time. But there was— it's— I mean, obviously I haven't looked at the contract, but she could, she could do like short stints. Yeah. So she accepted a movie that was going to be— I think there was like a couple days overlap during the 3-month period where they were going to be, uh, filming. Yeah, Eclipse. And apparently they were very upset about it, even though she was within her rights to do it, and they recasted and she was shocked, I guess.

I think that was the dumbest move imaginable.

I do too, because here's the thing: it was said to have only been a few days over a 3-month filming course. Victoria's not even in the movie that long.

No, she's not.

So you could have just filmed her scenes when she— either like before she left or when she got back.

And to not give her— she's built up this character for 2 movies, and she's Victoria. I think she's amazing at it. And to not give her that end, that is so shitty.

Because that's the thing too, it's like, this is the end of her anyway.

Yeah, so let her finish out the character. Like, I thought it was dumb as hell. Because also, no shade to Bryce Dallas Howard, she did what she could do. They don't look alike. They don't look alike. And it's also like, the hair drove me fucking crazy. Because, because Victoria's hair in the first two movies, she's like feral.

It's—

well, it's like tousled, like, and I live in the woods, I've been running through the woods, kind of like big wavy, just like— that's the thing, it's not natural, it's not like curls. No, it's waves, and it's like, it's just like, it's like feral in like a gorgeous way, you know what I mean?

Like a fairy creature.

Yeah, like she is a fairy creature, and it's like that, and it makes sense and it works. And then in this one they have it like super red. It's like— and spiral curled and crunchy. Like, she literally looks like she took mousse and scrunched her hair, and it's shorter, and it just doesn't work. It doesn't— it's not her color. And I'm like, you just took me right out of that storyline with that.

And they also— like, it's— again, no shade to Bryce Dallas Howard, but she plays the role completely different than Rochelle did. It's softer and like not as edgy. And when she has a look of like, uh, like, huh, what? And she sounds that way too.

And I feel like Victoria's like this slinky cat-like— like, yes, like, and she's more— she is— I've never seen Victoria in the first two book— in the two first two books or the first two movies be like, what, like wide-eyed, like I'm sorry, mister, what? Like, that's the idea that the third one gives, and it just doesn't work.

And you don't understand why somebody on set wasn't like, let's try that again in like a different way. Like, I don't understand. Kept Rochelle.

And even at the end, I was like, this isn't satisfying because I haven't seen her in two movies, so it makes me upset. Yeah, I really didn't like it.

Yeah, I so wish that we had— yeah, the end with the real Victoria. It's true, with the real Victoria please stand up.

Truly. And another thing in this movie, just to like close all this out, is, um, Renee continues being the worst mother.

Why is Renee not at graduation?

She didn't come to graduation.

And she gives Bella a gift when— because so Bella goes to visit her mom because the Cullens actually bought her round trip, round trip flight because she's going to be changed soon. So this is probably going to be the last time she sees her mom. Yeah, because also apparently her mom's not coming to her fucking high school graduation or going to see her in college.

Like, what? She was like, I'm not gonna come visit you. I was like, what the—

she's like, well, you're gonna— well, Renee's a bitch according to the illustrated guide too, because she hates the sun, she hates the rain. Yeah. So if she's not near the sun, she can't— she can't—

she just won't do it.

Yeah, it's like, get over it. So she and Charlie apparently like met while she was on a road trip. They got married, they had this like whirlwind romance, and he was taking care of his parents. His mom had Alzheimer's and his dad had some kind of mobility issues, so they lived like down the street and were taking care of them. And then she just decided that she couldn't handle life in Forks anymore. And she was experiencing postpartum depression too, apparently. Um, and also remember, this is a fictional character. Yeah. So she up and left Charlie and, and wanted him to move with her. And it literally says she knew it wasn't kind to ask him to abandon his parents.

Yeah, like, what do you want him to do?

So he was like, no, I can't do that. He's also their only child. Yeah. Yeah. So she was like, okay, well, like, I'm gonna go move back to California. I'm gonna take our baby and leave. And she did. Yeah. And then also she just like wasn't really a mom when Bella was growing up. The illustrated guide says that Bella was doing their bookkeeping by age 10. Yeah.

And her mom like never— like didn't know how to cook, like wouldn't make the meals. Like literally didn't know. Like she had to do everything herself. Like when you read the book and you read some of the things like like she, she was the parentified child.

Oh, absolutely. It's also, it's, it even says in the illustrated guide that she didn't object to Bella leaving because she knew that she would be okay in Forks. Yeah. And like, because she had found this new man.

Yeah, Phil. She's got her baseball player Phil.

It's like, and he's adventurous like she is. I was like, wow, you're a shit mom and you probably shouldn't have had kids.

It's true. And you know what, the last thing I have to say is is, um, I saw this pointed out by someone and I was like, I can't get over how much of a fumble this is, that they didn't use the, um, the line from the book, which is when Jacob and Bella are talking about like how he's like, you love me but you love him, like blah blah blah. So they're talking about how like, um, you know, he can deal with, like she's saying like, you know, I have all this stuff going on, and he's like, and basically refers to them as like the clouds in my life. And he's like, I can deal with the— he says, the clouds I can handle, but I can't fight with an eclipse. And Edward is the eclipse, right? And that's why the book is named Eclipse, right? And I was like, why didn't you leave that in the movie? Yeah, it's a good line. It is. So I'm like, that was a weird thing to skip. That's— I feel weird.

But also like literally the perfect way to end this. Yeah, look at you. I didn't even know you were gonna say that shit.

Clouds I can handle, but You can't fight with an eclipse.

Wow. Yeah, that is a great fucking line.

It is a great line.

I love going over these movies more than I love oxygen.

Breaking Dawn Part 1 and 2 is going to be so unhinged that I can't even— like, this was subdued. Yeah, compared to what?

Because we— I think this just wasn't like our favorite one.

Yeah, it's not my favorite one, so it really doesn't hit as hard, but Breaking Dawn those.

I also was just saying to Elena, I can't remember the last time that I saw Breaking Dawn.

No, I can't either. I had—

last Halloween I watched Twilight: New Moon and I watched half of Eclipse. I never finished it, so we finished it for this. But Breaking Dawn 1 and 2, I don't— I— the last time I saw those might have been the first time I watched them. Yeah, I don't know that I've ever re-watched them.

I don't know if I have. I'm so excited.

So this is gonna be a real experience, and we're gonna do 2 separate episodes. Yeah, we'll do 2 separate ones.

Keep it going. Hell yeah.

Yeah. All right, brothers, well, we'll see you then, and we hope you enjoyed this. We hope you did, and we hope you keep listening, and we hope you keep it weird, but not so weird that, like, you, um, act like anyone in this book, period.

Literally.