Transcript of Avoiding Life's Potholes with Karen Salmansohn

Have you built a life to die for? This episode, we're talking to author Karen Samuelsen, who's sold over 2 million books worldwide. She is the guru of gurus. We're going to also talk about or ask the question, do you need a penis to succeed in business? If you're an author, or a soon-to-be author, or a want to be author, at the end of this episode, Karen is going to give you an amazing tip. Ladies and gentlemen, I present my good friend, Ms. Karen Samuelson. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to another exciting episode of Mic Unplug. And today, I have someone who's been on my bucket list for a long time, so I'm truly honored. She took a career leap from Madison Avenue to the mindfulness arena. With over 2 million books sold and science-back tools that stick, she's redefined self-help for the modern soul. Join me in saying hello to the Witty, the wise, the Wonder-Focused, my friend, Ms. Karen.

Hi. It's so great to be here. I've been so excited to talk to you. I love it, watching you, listening to you, everything you're doing.

Karen, I'm truly honored. You've been someone that I follow for a while. You have some of the most amazing books that I've read. You're like that mentor that you probably don't know that you are for millions of people. So I genuinely wanted to say thank you for what you've done for the self-help arena, for women having voices. Just truly thank you for the soul that you are, Karen.

Thank you. It means extra coming from you. Thank you so much.

Oh, that's awesome. That's awesome. So, Karen, I like to start this show by asking my guests about what their because is. Simon Sinek did start with why. I like you need to start with why, but I think you're fueled by your because, that deeper purpose, that deeper drive. If I were to say, Karen, what is your because? What is that?

Because I've been in potholes, and I want to make sure other people don't wind up in potholes. I want to make sure that they walk around the potholes, avoid the streets with potholes, heal from potholes, recognize a pothole to be a pothole, because sometimes potholes don't look like potholes. So that's my because.

I love that so much, and I want to talk about those potholes, right? So it's one thing to see the pothole. It's another thing to be in the pothole. But, Karen, you've come out of them, and now you know what they look like and how to avoid them. But when did this start for you? Let's talk through some What were those journeys of the potholes that you had to get out of.

Well, I'll go way back, but I'm on coffee, so I can go through it quickly.

Let's go way back.

But when I was a kid, I was always interested in psychology and humor. My mom used to pick up my dad from the train station, and there was a little magazine shop across the street, and I'd go in, and I'd get one psychology today magazine and one NAB magazine, which is a funny magazine. I think if you looked at my books, if you took psychology today, a NAB magazine, put them in a blender, press frappe, you get my books. The reason why I was interested in both of those, first of all, I always love humor. That's just how my brain works. But I had a family member that I knew who was very unhappy, and I was wanting to figure out how to make them happy. That actually was the reason why I started to really want to understand psychology, what makes people happy and what makes people not happy. I learned it as a kid for that reason. Then I just stayed intrigued by human behavior because I did have challenges in my own life. I always kept going back to psychology. I used to read so many self-help books and was embarrassed to read them.

I used to rip off the covers and read them. Then I wanted to recommend them to friends, and I realized that that could come off the wrong way if I said, Here, you need to read this. I felt like there should be self-help for people that wouldn't be caught dead during self-help or self-help that you could give to a friend as a gift, and they're not going to punch you because it looks cool and fun to read. That was how I wound up writing my first best-selling self-help book, although I don't even like the word self-help, How to be Happy, Damn It, which had the word damn it in the title, which my agent tried to talk me out of, but I just kept moving forward. I could see it. I could see the whole book from beginning to end. It has stylized graphics. I believe that I love design, too. A spoonful of eye candy helps this self-help medicine go down. If the book looks fun and interesting, instead of hiding the book, you want to put it on your coffee table. You're proud to be reading it. That's how I formulated my first of a series of books like this, the How to be Happy, Damn It book, which became a huge bestseller.

And is one of my favorite books. I got to hear you talk about the story of that book a little bit. I'd love for you to go into that story because I remember you saying you were talking about how to be happy, damn it, but then the damn it just became the focus of everything.

Well, I I wanted to admit there's a lot of damn it out there. I mean, this book was back in the 1990s that I came up with the idea. And in fact, it's a weird claim to fame, but I think I'm the first author to put a naughty word in a book title, especially personal development author.

You've done it a few times.

Oh, yeah. But back then, that was part of the reason why my age and thought I was crazy, damn it in a self-help book. But people feel damn it. They feel it. That's How you feel. There's a lot of damn it. So how to be happy, damn it, felt very how I felt a lot of times about... Nowadays, we call it toxic positivity. I don't do that. I do real talk about it. That book came about... It was a collection of things because I read from all different areas. I read from psychology, which I've mentioned, but I also love to read Eastern philosophy, Western philosophy, biology, even how the brain works, neuroscience, quantum physics. But what I'm capable of doing is reading the boring dense stuff and then rewriting it in simple terms with the humor within in the past stylized graphics. Although my newest book doesn't have graphics in it, it just has the humor merged with the psychology and philosophy.

I love it. Karen, you have one of my favorite mantras, and you actually, by saying this, help me overcome something. You say a lot of times that you need to be your own best friend.

Yes.

I would love for you to break that mantra down and why that philosophy means so much, not just to you, but why other folks should take that on.

Well, I believe for many reasons that the world is like a mirror, that the more you love yourself, the more you'll create circumstances that mirror back a loving environment around you. Because you will do that. A lot of people think of it as more like quantum physics, like law of attraction. But I also see it as psychology psychology, that what you believe you deserve, you create a life like that. There's a term in psychology called masochistic equilibrium, which is really interesting. It's based on if you grew up in a home with about 30% love and 70% pain, then that becomes your masochistic equilibrium, what you think you deserve love-wise, if you're not careful. It's not a definite thing, but it's the programming that's gone in. Then you will recreate circumstances that match the 30% love, 70% pain. If you wind up with 90% love, 10% pain. If you're not aware, self-aware person, and if you're not treating yourself like your own best friend, then you will do things to self-sabotage, to bring the love down, down, down, down, down to your masochistic stick equilibrium that you were programmed with of 30% pain, 30% long, 70% pain.

You have to get out of autopilot, get out of the default, and learn how to love yourself, learn how to be your own best friend so you can recreate. We repeat what we don't repair. And so you have to go in and do the repair and get out. A lot of it's about getting out of autopilot. A lot of us are in autopilot and taking control of the wheel of your life.

No, I totally agree. And for me, why I also needed that of being my own best friend is there a lot of times you count on people that don't show up, right? And they don't not show up on purpose. But someone could be going through a bad time or bad situation when you're also going through something and you need that person, but that person can't help you because they're also going through it. And so it made me understand that I have to love myself first. I have to be my support system first. And then that can then allow me to be that for other people. My mentor, Les Brown, has this saying of, Don't be a go-to person for people you can't go to.

It was really good. Yeah.

And I take that saying with your saying, and it's like, Mick, love yourself first. And then, more importantly, make sure the people that are receiving your energy could also give you energy back. And so I love your take on that, too, with just the energies of people and the give and take that that requires.

Yeah. Well, boundaries are actually a symbol of self-worth, self-love, self-care. So it's valuing yourself enough more than people-pleasing your way to miserate, quite frankly. But it all starts with self-worth and self-love and owning that for yourself.

Yeah. Totally amazing. Let's talk about a couple of other books of yours.

Okay.

I don't want to mess up the title.

Okay. Yes.

You asked a question for businesses a long time ago.

You're bringing up that one with another naughty word. Okay.

Essentially, the question was, do you need to have a penis to lead or run or own a Business? And I know that wasn't the exact title, but it's also one of my favorite books.

Oh, thank you.

I love to talk through this book because it is for family members, for my wife, for a lot of my friends. It was a book that helped them say, Wait a second, I can be in charge. I do have a voice. So you gave a voice to the voiceless. I knew I know you knew that when you were writing that book, but I'd love to talk about that.

Oh, thank you. Yeah, that book was loved by a lot of big, important businesswomen from Madonna, Donna Karen, Geraldine Leighborn, a lot of big businesswomen. But I'll tell you the story of that book. I started my career in advertising, and I rose up pretty quickly. I got a Clio my first year in the business, which is like the end of advertising or whatever. Then I became a senior VP, creative director in my late '20s. Then I quit my parents' horror to become a novelist. My first book that I wrote was actually a novel that I sold to St. Martin's Press, and then to Miramax, to be a movie star, Marissa Thomey. I was starting to be asked to give seminars to women's organizations to help women to pursue and snag their passions, because that's why I left advertising. I wanted to write books. I was giving one of my seminars to women, which had a normal title. I don't even remember what the title was because normal can sometimes be not memorable. I said, My agent called me, this is back in the '90s, and my agent called me and I said, I can't talk.

I have to give, and I said it as a joke, I have to give my How to Succeed in this is without a Penis Seminar. Because there's a play, and maybe it was a book first, but How to Succeed in this is without really trying. Is the name of, at least I know it's a musical play, I think. She laughed and she said, You must write a business book for women with that name. I thought she was joking, but she stayed on it with me. Then I did. It became big best seller. I went across the world. It sold in different countries. I was shocked because the title was feisty, but it sold in countries you would not think would have a sense of humor about it, so much so that I went around the world giving seminars from that book. I joke, but it's true, that I learned how to say penis in about 11 different languages because they all translated the book. Then people have a sense of humor. I started, Can I be a little feisty here? I don't Of course. Okay. I used to jokingly refer to them as my semenars, jokingly, because I just find humor in things.

One of my underlying premises of the book is a woman doesn't need a penis to succeed just balls. Then I even wrote a follow-up book called Ballsy, because when I look at everything that's happened to me in my life, it's happened because I was ballsy. I wrote that book, and that book also did very well. It's so funny. I was looking at the cover for that book before it went to print, and they asked me to get advanced praise for it. I was just going to go back to the usual people, usual suspects. Then I thought, The book is called Balzy. I'm going to be Balzy and see who I could get to write some blurb sport that I don't even know. I reached out to Seth Godin, who I don't know if you know who he is. Yeah. Huge book writer, amazing, brilliant man. He wrote me back and he met me for coffee at a Starbucks, gave me a blurb, became a friend. Then I reached out to Keith Farazi. Anyway, the book, the title of the book, made me want to be more ballsy, which then helped my career further because really a lot of the things that I've gotten in life was not because I was a 100% person, given 100% of it, it was because I was a 150% person.

I would go above and beyond. That really is something that women have to do. And in fact, that book could work for men, too. But it was about a rallying cry for women to go out there and ask for what you want.

Yeah. So let's go deeper there for a second. For the viewer or a listener right now that's like, Yeah, I hear Karen, and I do need to be risky, to be ballsy, to step out, to take that leap of faith. What are some things that they can do in that business, or even if it's in their life, what are some things that they could do now to prepare themselves to take those risks or to be ballsy, as you said?

Well, what I feel like you have to do is stop staring at what could go wrong and stare at what they want. I liken it to if I was walking across a bridge, we'll make it like Riders of Lost Ark. I haven't said this analogy in a while, so now I have to refresh my memory of it. There's all these alligators beneath me, but there's a pot of gold at the end of this bridge. If I stare at the alligators that could gobble me up if I fell, then I'm most likely going to fall. But if I keep my eye on the prize of the pot of gold, I'm going to get across that bridge. So That is what I did. When I wrote my first book, my novel, I would go to bookstores, and my last name is Salmanson, and I would envision my book on the bookshop. Salmanson was going to be next to Salinger, JD Salinger. That got me really excited that I had a good neighbor for my novel. I was going to be next to Salinger, Salmon soon. I would do things like that. I would also stay focused on books like when I wrote my Bounce Back book, Which was hard for me to write because sometimes I write books after I fell into a pothole.

That book was about resiliency, about how to stay resilient, how to bounce back. It helped me to… Sometimes writing for me is cathartic in its therapy. Writing the book then changes me. I try to analyze this from a victim story to a victor story, because now I'm writing the book of how I got through It means that I have to show up as somebody got through it, and I can't go back, sneak back to that curled up in a ball place. It was hard to write because I had to revisit some of what I had gone through. But I I'm not focusing on people need to read this book. This book is going to help people. Then I would envision on my book tour, people coming up to me and hugging me and thanking me for writing this book. It got me to keep writing the book and not letting any of my fears or even creative block get in the way because I got myself re-excited and re-re-re-excited. This book is going to help people. On my book tour, it was so interesting. People did come up and hug me just like I had visualized, and it felt really good.

I was like, I'm so glad I pushed through any creative blocks, any doubts, any of like, Oh, my God, I can't write those moments because that book did help people. And so envision and keeping your eye on any of those golden treasures at the end that will help people, whatever it is that gets you to Keep going, whatever your because is, I guess.

Yeah. Actually, one of the pillars of... I have something called the Mick factor that Les Brown gave me. So it's the initials of my name, M-I-C-K. And the K is Keep going, which is something that you and I both have in common, because I know you talk a lot about emotional resilience and why that is so important. Can you talk to the listeners and viewers about emotional resilience and why that should be a go-to strategy, a go-to trait that you have? Because life is nothing but curveball, right, Karen? If we knew it was going to come right down the plate, fastball every time, we could get up and swing, right? But life is curveball.

Definitely. Well, okay, two things. I think metaphor has helped people. Back when I was younger, I don't do this anymore. I used to run around Central Park, and it's a very long run. I used to see how many times I could get around it back when I was younger in my kick-ass shape. I used to tell myself, I just need to get to that next tree. I just need to get to that next sign that I see ahead. I have to get to that next bench. I would make small markers for myself because if I told myself, I have to run around this park three times, I'd be like, Oh, my God, that's too much. I can't do that. But just set little markers for yourself. When I was doing that, I thought, Oh, I got to do that with business, too. Just have to write one chapter. I just have to do... If you break it up in small little biteable, chewable steps like that, then you're more likely to do it. The other thing is a tool that I use still today, which is what I call a stop and swap tool. I mentioned this in my new book, my new book called ear to die for a Life.

This is one of It's one of my favorite tools. It's so simple. It really is. If you want to stop a thought or stop a habit, you can't just stop it. You have to do a stop and swap. I'll give you an example because examples work. We have dogs. One of them is a little bit naughty, Pablo. He's a naughty dog, and he's always chewing on a sneaker, chewing on a slipper. If I only remove the slipper and put it back down, He would go back to the slipper because he's anxious. He's doing out of anxiety, and his brain needs... It's actually his brain. His brain needs something to chew on. I have to do a stop and a swap. I have to give him something healthy to chew on and dead, like a bone. We're like that. When we're anxious, our brains need something to chew on. It will keep going back to the negative thought unless you put in something healthier to think about because the brain needs something to chew on. If you're thinking, Nobody likes me, you have to swap in, The right people like me. Or if you're thinking, This will never happen for me, you have to swap in the thought, Everything has its process.

I must trust the process, or whatever it is, you have to do a stop and a swap, not just try to stop the thought.

That's an amazing analogy. I like that. That was very clear. You're helping me with the segue because next I was going to your new book. Let's talk about the new book and some of the principles that you release in there, because one of the things that I love about all of your books, that is full of principles and standards and guide Let's talk about the new one.

Okay. My new one is called, You're to Die for Life. Yes, it has the word die in the title, and it does touch upon death. I think that Mortality awareness is not more that it's motivating if you use it right, because mortality awareness gives you urgency. You realize life is short, it's fleeting, and that urgency see creates action. It inspires you to move forward. I wrote this book. I joke. I have two reasons why I wrote this book. The first one is funny. I'll tell you the funny one first. I did not write this book because I had a near-death experience. I wrote this book because I had a near life experience. I made up that term, but there had to be a word for this because too many of us are having near life experiences. What I mean by near life experience is you're on autopilot or you're on your phone, you're scrolling so much, you're not fully in your life. You're near your life, you're life-adjacent, or you're out to dinner with a friend, and They're talking. Instead of really fully focusing on them, you're worrying about something in the future, or you're ruminating about something in the past, and you're not fully present.

So again, a near-life experience. You're not fully in your life. The third near-life experience is where you keep putting things off to someday or later. Again, you're not fully in your life. You're near your life. You're going later, later. You're not in this moment if you keep putting things off to someday. I woke up to the truth that I was having air life experiences when my dad died. He was my wake-up call. His death. Death is an excellent alarm clock. I realized that I was putting a lot of things to someday. I realized that I was working so hard, which was not exactly fully noticeable because I loved what I was doing, but noticeable enough that I kept saying, Someday I will start a family, someday. Then when he passed, I realized, it was very hard to realize this, that my dad would never get to see me as a mom because I didn't have a family yet. My dad would never get to meet my child. His This death was more of a wake up call to my own biological clock. Okay, I need to have more balance in my life. I read through a lot because I go into research mode a lot, a lot of the top regrets of the dying.

What I was dealing with, a lot of people deal with, one of the top regrets of the dying is, I wish I hadn't worked so hard. I wish that I had lived a life more true to myself. I wish I'd spent more time with the people that I love. There's a bunch of them. I looked at each of the top regrets of the dying, and I reverse engineered them to make sure that I wouldn't have them. I also created a whole system, which I write about in the book, that woke me up. I had a child, thanks to the system. In fact, my dad died on August 27th, four years later, after embracing mortality awareness and waking up my life, shaking up my life. Four years later, on August 27th, I gave birth to my now son. My dad's death day is my son's birthday. I credit mortality awareness for putting the fire under my touche and reminding me, I don't want to die with those regrets. It's time to snap into action. One of the tools I used was I wrote my own eulogy.

Wow. Wow. That is deep, Kari. That is deep.

I put it in the book, but I know a lot of people are like, Write my own eulogy? What? They feel like it's... I make it fun to fill in the blanks template, like Mablives, where you just fill in the blanks to write your own eulogy. I'm going to give you a little spoiler alert here. You can still read the book and do the template. A lot of the blanks have to do with core values. It's it's about who you are. Because I believe from my background in behavioral change, that identity is destiny. Who do you think you are determines what you do. Like Frank Sinatra bang, doobie doobie do. Great tune, but that's backwards thinking personal development. It should be be doobie doobie do. It's who you think you are. Your identity is the puppet master for your habits. We're operating like that now, whether we know it or not. If you walk around thinking, I am sloppy, you're going to do the habits as a sloppy person. If you think, I am organized or I am healthy, I'm athletic. It's why people that go to the gym can sometimes still keep going to the gym because they think, I am athletic or I am disciplined or thinking those thoughts.

It's why sometimes it's hard to start a new habit like that. It's also why that expression, Rich richer. They already think of themselves as rich. You have to change your your identity first and foremost. One of the strategies in the book is to help people to create identity-based habits to become the person they write about in their eulogy, to go from current you to aspirational eulogy. I help people do this on a daily basis because I I think that we shouldn't just write to-do lists. We should write what I call to-die lists. That's not a bucket list. I'll tell you what a to-die list is. I believe that to-do lists have a fatal flaw. They're about productivity. Everything these days, we worship productivity. It's too much already with the productivity. I could do everything on my to-do list and at the end of my life, feel like I wasted my life because the to-do list is just about productivity habits, and it doesn't include things that make a life meaningful. You won't see things on your to-do list, like speak up with more authenticity about how I feel, or be present for my loved ones and put down my freaking phone, or you're not going to see things that really make for a meaningful life.

What I have people do, still write your to-do list, that's fine. But the truth is, nobody is going to read your Google calendar at your funeral. Nobody is going to read your LinkedIn profile at your funeral. You know what you're going When they say at your funeral when they eulogize you? They're going to tell stories about you. I remember I was sick and he showed up with soup. I remember when I was going through a troubling time, they were patient and they That with me. All of these stories have to do with core values. They were kind, they were patient, they were communicative, they were present. All core values, all of the stories that people will share about you and remember about you and love you for will be about something that had to do with the fact that you embraced strong core values. I help you to live a life where you're embracing strong core values? I am loving, and so I always show up present for the people that I love. I have people write every day the following question. I have a lot of tools in the book, but this is my quick summary of it.

Who do I need to become to get everything I want in my life? The answer are core values because you think about, Where am I going wrong a little? You can also reverse it like this. Who do I need to become to stop fighting with my partner so much? Who do I need to become to have my son share openly and honestly about what's troubling him so we feel closer. Who do I need to become to write that novel? Who do I need to... It could be business things, too. Then the answer is always core values. I need to be more disciplined. I need to be more patient. I need to be more compassionate. And then you have to think about that, and then you attach a habit. And so I do. And that's what goes on your morning to die less.

That's amazing, Karen. So for all the viewers, all the listeners, that's something that we can start doing now. And I'm going to challenge everyone to do that now. And then what I want you to do, and Karen, I want you to tell people where to find and follow you. I want you to message Karen and I together and give us a couple of things that are on your list. Is that fair, Karen?

I love that. Absolutely.

Absolutely. I want to see what everybody's doing. Karen, where can people do that? Where can people find and follow you?

Oh, thanks. Well, my name is Karen Salmanson, and everybody mangles my last-Not salmon.

Not Salmon.

Not Salmon. So I'm always going, Not Salmon, not salmon, not salmon, not salmon. So that's how you can find me. My Instagram, Not Salmon, Facebook, Not Salmon, Substack, substack. Com/not salmon. My website, Not Salmon. Although my book is called, You're To Die For Life, and I gave this book its own website where you can get There's lots of freebies on there, and that's called yourtodiveforlife. Com. If you want to find out more about this specific book with more tools in it to help you to live more meaningful life, just go to yourtodiveforlife. Com.

We're going to do that. I'm going to make sure that all of those are in the show notes and descriptions. Karen, I got to get you out of here on my top five, Quick Five, Rapid Fire. You ready?

Okay.

All right. What's your morning mantra? What's something that you can't start the day without doing?

I am smarter than this problem. I'm stronger than this problem. I'm more resilient than this problem, whatever it is. Yeah, I tell myself that.

Love it. What's a book, besides one of yours, that's changed your life?

The Book of Living and Dying.

I'm going to go get that one. I'm going to go get that. Your favorite guilty pleasure comfort food.

Oh, gosh. I'm picky of so many. I think chocolate mint ice cream.

Okay. Got you.

I do. I love that.

If your life was a theme song, what would that song be?

I was about to say Gloria Gayner, I Will Survive, but that's probably just because I put that up with an Instagram post recently. But, oh, Alexa Morriset, You Live, You Learn, that one. That Live and Learn. Yeah, I love that one.

For the aspiring writer, what's one tip that you'd give them to sell books?

To sell books?

Yeah.

To think about your becomes, the tape for you, but also about who your audience is. Here's a weird one. It answers you, but it's a little bit slightly different. That when I write, sometimes Sometimes I envision one person reading it because I realized whenever I finish a manuscript and send it to my agent after I press send, I would then go back and read it again, and I'd see it differently because I was envisioning her reading it. Or if I would send it to my friend Bonnie and press send, I would picture her reading it. I would notice things more. If you go back and you think about different people reading it, you notice things in it and you want to fix it a little. I noticed that sometimes when I was writing my books that I would just think, Okay, what will Bonnie think of this? How does this land with somebody? I mean, that was something that I would do on purpose because I was doing it by accident. I also write books in different places because my brain thinks differently. I don't just work at home. I work in cafés, or I change the room I'm or I go outside, I take a chapter, I put it in my phone, I sit on a bench, and I read it from my phone, I always notice different things in it.

That's what I'm trying to do. Always notice different things in it by picturing it from how different people would read it and rereading the manuscript before I send it out to send it to a publisher. So the book shows up at its best.

Amazing. Karen, I know how busy you are. You're one of my favorite people in the world. Just so honored you took some time with us today out of your busy schedule. It means the world to me. So I just want to, again, from my heart, tell you thank you for who you are.

Oh, thank you. This means the extra once again, coming from you. I love, adore, and respect you.

Amazing. And for all the viewers and listeners, remember, your because is your superpower. Go unleash it. You've been plugged into Mic Unplug. Don't just listen. Take action. Rate and subscribe. Follow me on social and get the full experience at michuntofficial. Com. Keep building, keep leading, and most importantly, keep dominating.