Transcript of Mel Robbins' Message Will Change Your LIFE (watch this to become successful) | Mel Robbins

I'm curious, Mel, what does success look like for you?

Oh. What does success look like for me? Success is standing in front of a mirror in my bathroom and seeing a person reflected back that I love and that I am proud to spend my life with.

When was the moment that you realized that What was success for you? Has it been this gradual thing over time that you've looked at yourself in the mirror and said, I love myself for who I am, or was it more of a catalyst for you?

Well, I think for the first 52 years of my life, I did the opposite. I, as an adult, really was relentless in my self-criticism, my judgment. My role in my life was chief criticizer, and I did not have this realization about the profound power of, first of all, self-acceptance, because you can't actually get to the profound power of self-love until you walk through the gates of self acceptance. And for most people, they don't even get there because the habits of self-rejection and self-criticism and self-hatred are so entrenched, and it's actually become so casual and so subconscious that you don't realize just how relentless the beat down is in your mind. And that was me. And I remember the distinct moment that I had the breakthrough, and it was in April of 2020, and we were full on the whole world in quarantine at this point. And my business was upside down and life was very overwhelming. And this is the day after I had first high-fived myself in the mirror. And what What's interesting is that first morning in April of 2020, that I very first did the high five, a very pathetic moment in my life, one that's very relatable, standing in my bathroom, feeling beaten down and overwhelmed by the demands of life and work and just feeling like it was all just too much and just completely defeated before I had even started the day.

I caught my reflection, and I My first thought when I looked at myself in the mirror, my God, you look like hell. And then, of course, the beat down starts. You're dark circles, one boob's lower than the other. Your neck is so saggy. And then, of course, once one thought goes negative, it's like, you're just going to circle the drain. And so next thing you know, it's why did you get up so late? You got a Zoom call in eight minutes. You didn't text Jay back. You haven't walked the dog. Pound down, pound down, pound down. And I don't know what came over me. Because you can probably tell that I'm not that cheesy of a person. I'm pretty direct. Tell it like it is. But for whatever reason, standing there that morning feeling overwhelmed by life in my underwear, I just instinctually raised my hand and gave the woman in the mirror a high five because she looked like she needed it. And that very first morning, my reaction to just instinctually high fiving myself was to laugh at myself because it was so cheesy. But I'll tell you something, there was a little switch that flipped.

It's not like I was like, Oh, my life has changed. I need to write a book. Here we go. Okay. Oh, my God. Finally, I have a book title. No, that's not what happened. I just felt this energy shift where I didn't even think anything, Jay. I just felt this energy muster up that was a little bit like a teammate who, when you screw up a play and they high five you to say, shake it off, get your ass back in there. Come on now. Like, it was a little bit like that. But it was the second morning, the second morning that everything broke open. And so you asked a question about when was it that I learned how to see a person in the mirror that I loved. And it has not been a moment, it's been a process, but it began in a moment. That second morning, I woke up, same problem, same issues, feeling totally overwhelmed by life, and I start walking to the bathroom. And before I even get into the bathroom, I realize I'm feeling something I've never felt before in my adult life. And it was this. You know how when you are going to go meet a friend at a cafe and you really like this person and you're about to walk in the door and see somebody you like, what do you feel, Jay?

Oh, sheer excitement. Yeah, nerves and sheer excitement. Yeah.

Yeah.

I felt that way about seeing myself. Wow. Now, I felt excitement about seeing an outfit. I or seeing a haircut. But I don't ever recall in my entire adult life, the feeling of being excited to see the human being Mel Robbins. Hmm. And I think that moment right there was the beginning of realizing what self-love is. And so I rounded the corner to the bathroom, and the profound nature of this is starting to unfold. And as I walk in there, and I step in front of my sink, and I see myself in the mirror, I have this second realization. And the second realization is, there's always two people in the bathroom with you every morning. There's you, and there's a human being in the mirror. And that human being is trying And that human being needs you, and they are tired of your negativity, and they are tired of you criticizing everything that they're doing, and they are tired of the beat down, and they need you to be more encouraging. They need you to be more compassionate. They need you to be more optimistic. They need you to have more fun. They need you to wake up and see them.

And when I realized that I wasn't staring at a reflection. I was staring at my humanity. I was staring at me, this human being. It shifted everything. I had this realization that when I see one of our three kids, they're 23, 21, and 16. And yeah, there are times on a daily basis that they irritate the hell out of me. But I never, ever cast a gaze on them without just feeling this acceptance and this love for their existence, even if they're annoying me, I still have this baseline that is grounded in acceptance. It's grounded in compassion. It's grounded in gratitude that they're in my life. It's grounded in seeing them and loving them for who they are, not trying to change, like just this pure thing. And I realized in that moment that I was experiencing that with myself. And so the high five in the mirror has become this way to demonstrate partnership with self, acceptance of self, forgiveness of self. And I'll tell you, I started adding it into my morning routine. And the way that I did it was, when I'm done brushing my teeth, I get the gunk out of my mouth so I don't have bad breath all day.

Then I stand with myself for a second. I look at myself in the eyes, and then I raise my hand. I don't even say a word because the high five does all the work for you. I mean, the The science behind this thing is bananas. That's a whole other story we can talk about. But I did this every day for a month, and then I ended up putting a photo up, as you read about in chapter two. I didn't put any instructions on the photo. It's just me with my retainer in and a high five in the mirror. And within an hour, more than 100 people around the world had high five themselves in the mirror and posted it online. And that's what made me go, oh, my God, maybe I'm not the only one who feels defeated. Maybe I'm not the only one who needs a little encouragement. Maybe I'm not the only one who feels alone. Maybe I'm not the only one who feels like some days I just can't deal with the demands of my life. Maybe I'm not the only one who needs to learn how to support themselves a little bit better, be a little kinder, a little bit more encouraging.

Maybe just maybe there's something here. And so I took on a year long research project, and the results of it are absolutely freaking extraordinary. This is the most powerful thing I have ever discovered in my entire life. The leading neuroscientists, people that have discovered neuroplasticity in the '80s, have now completely verified everything we're talking about and added in 10 times more research about why this is so ground-breaking.

And you also mentioned, I've heard you talk about Dr. Daniel Amen, too, and how he's excited about this habit. And the moment I heard about this habit, I was excited, too, because it's so simple. And I've often tried my best to understand this, and hopefully you can help me understand this. Why is it that people often resist something that is so simple? Is it because they feel like because it's so simple, it's too good to be true?

I think that's the right answer. I also think that there's... Oh, the complexity bias. So your brain has a complexity bias whereby if your dreams are big, or your problems feel big, you naturally think the solution to either solving it or achieving the big dream must also be big and complex. And what I found in life is that, ironically, it's the opposite. The bigger the problem, the smaller the solution that makes a difference. The bigger the dream, the smaller the action that starts you going there. And so I do think that there is a immediate reaction that is that, well, this is so simple. I think there's also this resignation that we all have that that's cheesy. I'm not doing that shit. Like, I'm just, come on, please. And then the bigger reason why, though, that people resist it is really sad. And the real reason why people resist this is because your habit of self-rejection is so profound and strong and relentless and habitual That high-fiving yourself is literally, it'd be like me saying, Oh, no, you got to eat with your feet tonight. It makes no sense because we all know, Jay, that you need to be kind to yourself.

We all know that you need to treat yourself better. We've all heard a bazillion times us say, If I talk to my friends the way that I talk to myself, or if my friends talk to me the way that I talk to them, I wouldn't be friends with them. Yeah, and you still talk to yourself that way. And the reason why so many of us are so stuck is we don't know how to be kinder to ourselves because nobody's ever taught you how.

We don't know how to stop the relentless criticism because nobody's ever taught us how.

And it is such a strong habit that it is akin to your dominant hand. I could write with my left hand, but it would be such a pain because it's It's the opposite of what I've done my entire lifetime. And for most people, based on our research, they have spent an entire lifetime criticizing themselves. It's literally you and I speak English. It's the language that we speak. Criticism, judgment, the beat down is the language that most people speak in their minds. And so that's the other reason why Most people's reaction to this is, Well, that's dumb. That's not going to work. And besides, It's stupid. I'm not doing it. Yeah.

Yeah. For a long time, I was one of those people that beat myself up. I thought that I didn't have worth, didn't have purpose, I didn't know that my story actually mattered. So I just would allow all the negative emotions and feelings, you name it, to just flood in my life. And that would often inform how I acted with my friends, with my family, with my work colleagues, you name it. Wasn't a good scenario. I was very angry, very upset because I felt like I wasn't going anywhere until that I, one day, it's a long story, Mel, but to cut it short, until everything just came crashing down. And I started to ask myself those difficult questions that many people often avoid and really started to dig deep into who is Jay? Who am I really? What is my purpose. And then it was like, well, you were talking about how you had that moment of realization. I call it the old light bulb burst and the new one was quickly put in its place. And it was like, shining brightly and it finally all made sense. It's like, my story has value. I was born with a purpose.

I don't have to go and continue to chase this thing. I am enough right now. And I love your message, especially because it speaks to this very thing of you do have value, you are enough, and you should love yourself every single day, no matter what.

Yeah. And I knew all that, and yet I had no idea how to do it, Jay.

Yeah.

I was on the outside. You would look at me and say, wow, that Mel Robbins is such a positive, loving person. I was to everybody else. Oh, wow, that Mel Robbins. She is wildly successful.

Yeah.

Because I was relentlessly trying to prove to myself that I had value. I had married worth with achievement, like so many of us do. And we do it because when we were little, you got positive attention and praise when you did well in school, when you made the sports team, it got conditioned into you to believe that you are only worthy when you are doing something that makes you feel worthy. And so we get all these mixed messages. And so I didn't know how to do those things, Jay. I would stand in the mirror having self-published a book selling 2 million copies and be like, it's not enough. What's next? Oh, the audible things, everyone, not enough. And the reason why is I had not fixed the core problem that every human being struggles with, and it is self-rejection. That is everybody's core problem. And I didn't even know how deeply of a problem it was until I discovered the high five habit and started to practice treating myself differently. Because here's the thing that is so interesting based on the research. You cannot change a habit of self-rejection and a habit of self-hatred by telling yourself you're worthy.

You cannot do it by telling yourself you love yourself.

And the reason why is your actions for your entire life have demonstrated the opposite. And so your brain goes, No, you don't.

You don't think you're worthy.

Stop You don't believe that. And so your brain rejects it because it's been programmed based on your own behavior to believe that you don't think anything you do is good enough. You don't think you're ever good-looking enough. You don't think it's ever enough money. That is what you've trained your brain to believe. And so The only thing that has ever worked for me is the high five habit. And I'll tell you why. Because it's a physical action. You shouldn't say a thing when you do it because the programming is too powerful against you and your mind. And I want you, when you practice this, to leverage programming and neural associations that are already in your brain associated with cheering for everybody else. We're just going to aim it right back at you. And so the huge transformational power of this is that because most of us have either watched other people high five one another in sports or in road races, or we've watched videos of teachers high fiving kids as they enter the classroom, or we have experienced high fiving people that we love or high fiving teammates, or we have experienced somebody else high fiving us, that behavior and the positive association and the neural programming and the wiring in your nervous system is already in your body, mind, and spirit.

We are just going to aim all that stuff back at your own reflection. And so what we're doing with the physical action of high-fiving the mirror is you are every single morning shutting down the critic. You are demonstrating that you see yourself and you care about yourself. And over a short period of time, based on the chemical release pieces in your brain, based on the nervous system wiring that gives you a celebratory jolt, and based on all the positive programming that you have in your mind already affiliated with a high five, you literally reset your default programming back to the way that you were born. Because the bottom line is, none of us came out of the womb beating the heck out of ourselves. None of us as toddlers stood in front of the mirror and we're like, Gosh, my thighs are fat. I better not go to kindergarten today. We were wired for love. We were wired for self-acceptance. Life taught you to hate yourself. And I'm telling you, through the habits in this book, And by adding a high five to your morning routine, you will tap back into something that is core to who you are, which is self-love and self-acceptance.

How does the high five habit help people that are dealing with trauma?

It's a great question. So number one, let's talk about what happens when you do it. So how it helps with trauma is that we're going to we're going to unpack trauma at several layers, because trauma is obviously a stored experience in your mind, body, and spirit. And what happens for a lot of people with trauma is that when you stand before yourself in the bathroom and you look in the mirror, a lot of people with trauma that has not been healed or is not being healed, as you see the trauma as evidence that you're damaged, that you're unlovable, that you're a bad person, that nothing's going to work out for you, that you're not good enough. And so you thereby see a person that isn't worthy of the love that you desire. It's why you're seeking it in relationships and you're seeking it outside of yourself, because internally you see the trauma not as evidence that you've survived something, which means you deserve a high five, but evidence that you're damaged so you don't.

And so the high five in the mirror becomes an act of healing.

It becomes an act of defiance that brings your power back inside you. It becomes an act of empowerment, acknowledging how far you've come and all that you've survived and the fact that you still love you and you still are going to have you. There was a woman that wrote to us that was in a domestic violence shelter when she saw a video that I did about the high five habit. And she said that I've had childhood trauma, very severe from the age of four till about 15. Then I left the family abuse of home. I'm now in my late 20s. I've been in a wildly violent relationship. I've just escaped that.

I have nothing.

I know I have a lifetime of healing. But in five days, waking up in a domestic violence shelter, in the most traumatic experience of my life, what the high five habit is showing me is that at least I still have myself.

That if I could learn how to have my own back, if I can forgive myself for the mistakes I've made, if I could forgive myself for not listening to my intuition, if I could see myself, then I can heal myself.

That's what it can do for trauma. The other thing that I write about in this book is is because the high five in the mirror is just the beginning. As you can practice something called high fiving your heart. This is in chapter 13. This is how you can use a high five. You put it in the center of your chest, and I want you to put it right here because you're going to now use something that's a treasure in your body called the vagus nerve. And as you know, the vagus nerve, it's an on off switch. It switches off your fight or flight dysregulated traumatized nervous system, and it flips on your resting, cool, grounded nervous system. So on those mornings where you wake up and you're spiraling, or those mornings, and it's mornings for a lot of people because cortisol levels are high, or it's evening, and darkness triggers you. When you feel yourself get triggered, put your hands on your chest. This is called high-fiving your heart. Take a deep breath, and then just repeat these words.

I'm okay.

I'm okay.

I'm safe.

I'm safe.

I'm loved.

I'm loved.

And repeat them over and over and over until you feel yourself come back into your body And what you're going to feel as you repeat those words and you press right here in the center of your chest, activating the vagus nerve, is you're going to feel your dysregulated, triggered nervous system flip off.

And you're going to feel yourself come back into your grounded body. And you're going to feel yourself take control of your body response, whether you're in a grocery store, you're at a stoplight, or you're standing in your kitchen, or you're waking up. And in that moment, if you can hear yourself saying or thinking, I'm okay, I'm safe, I'm loved. It's true. In that moment, you are. And even if it only gives you a few seconds, it allows you to realize that within you, you have the ability to take control of how you're feeling in any moment.

I think it's another powerful tool that we can all use because I myself have experienced quite a bit of trauma. So I'm a morning person. I get up at 4:00 AM in the morning. People say that I'm crazy, but I do it for a specific reason. And I have a philosophy in my life that if I can beat the sun, which is constant every single day, then no matter what comes my way during the day, I can beat that, too. And it's getting myself up for some positive habits like exercise, like prayer and meditation, the high five habit now as well that I do. All these things, they're all in my repertoire, my toolkit for success in combating any of those horrible things that do come my way, stressful times, you name it.

What have you either learned about yourself or experienced experienced by adding a high five in the mirror to your morning routine?

I think it's what I've noticed more recently, actually, is it makes me smile, number one. Number two, it makes me like when I do those words, and at the end, when I get to you are loved, it actually makes me feel like, hang on a minute, I am loved. It puts me in that, once again, reminding state that I am loved. And it helps me whenever I'm going through a difficult, stressful moment of the day to just stop and reflect and say, Jay, you high-fived yourself in the morning. It's going to be okay. This is nothing. So that's what it's helped me do.

Yeah. Well, I'm sure you love the study in the book in Chapter 2 about NBA teams, and most people love this study. But basically, if you think about it, the reason why you smile, by the way, is because anytime somebody high fives you, your brain gives you a drip of dopamine, and your brain does not know the difference between you high-fiving yourself in the mirror and you high-fiving me. And so when I say the programming, you're smiling and everybody feels a lightened mood, even on the worst mornings, because your brain is giving you dopamine. The second reason why you feel more assured is because your body instinctually is wired for gestures of celebration. When you cross a finish line, what do you do? High-fives. Arms immediately go up, right? Yeah. Yeah. Arms up. When you wave, arms up. When your favorite team scores, arms up? When your favorite band comes on the stage, arms up. When you surprise somebody, arms up. And so the arms up is a celebratory gesture. And so the reason why you leave the bathroom feeling a little more empowered is your nervous system just gave you some of that associative programming that gave you a jolt of vitality.

Now, when we take this into the research lane, researchers looked at the NBA basketball teams here in the United States, and they were curious researchers at Berkeley University, what is it that are the habits of the teams that have the best winning-est records? And they discovered that there are habits present in the preseason that are present for all teams are winning, and they're not present for the teams that have terrible records. And the habits were this. The teams that have the best records at the end of the season also have the most number of fist bumps, pats on the back, and high fives during the preseason. And the reason why this habit of encouraging gestures correlates to a winning record is because these aren't just gestures. They're demonstrations of trust and partnership. The teams that do the worst have the least least number of these. No fist bumps, no pats on the back. Everybody's in it for themselves. And you can see it because they make selfish moves, selfish plays, teams not wired together. And I'm here to tell you that the reason why you feel that carry through in your day is because the high five is creating partnership with yourself and trust within yourself.

And it gets sealed in your mind. We've had more than a 130,000 people go through a five-day high five challenge in a matter of 26 days from 91 countries. And so many people report that throughout their day, they also can reflect back to the high five in the morning. Again, because the neural association with a high five is so pounded into everybody's brain, regardless of where you grew up, regardless of the culture that you grew up in, you have witnessed these things happening in culture. And so it's just programming that we're activating to help you. And here's what I've noticed. This is the biggest thing, everybody. And it's this. I mentioned the fact that I was such an achiever because I thought that that's what made me worthy of love. And so many of you will stand in front of the mirror and you'll feel resistant to doing this because you'll say, But I didn't go to the gym today. But I didn't get up at four o'clock. I hit the snooze button. Should I still high five myself? And the answer is yes, especially on those days, because the high five isn't something you earn.

It's something you deserve and need, simply for breathing. If you can stand there and be here another day, and you're still pushing forward And you're still trying, and you're not getting it right. You're still trying. You not only deserve a high five just for your existence, you need one. It is the most empowering force on the planet to feel seen, to feel encouraged. And I want people to understand that when you start to practice this and demonstrate it to yourself, it not only changes how you see yourself and how you feel about yourself, it changes how you operate out there. If I myself, it doesn't matter if you like me or not, Jay. It might sting a little bit because I want you to like me, but it won't change the fact that I still like myself. If I am really treating myself with respect, I won't allow somebody else to treat me with disrespect because I demonstrate every morning that I respect myself, and that becomes the new baseline. We let so much crap slide with other people because we don't even treat ourselves with acceptance and respect. That's why we're looking for it outside of ourselves.

And one more thing that I'll say is after more than a year of doing this, I don't even need to high five myself. I still do it, but I don't need to. And I'll tell you why. It wouldn't even occur to me at this point to criticize myself, because I don't see a body. I don't see a face. I see a human being who's trying. It has reset my brain in the most beautiful and profound way. Now, do I still get pissed off when I'm number two on the New York Times? Of course. But that's not pissed off at myself. And The recovery from that is almost instantaneous because I have a new resting default that's optimistic, that's encouraging, that's compassionate. The resilience This factor is through the roof. It's really unbelievable. And so for those of you that are high achievers, it has not changed how competitive I am. It has not changed the game that I am playing.

It has made me better at it because when you're constantly focused on what's going wrong.

You're going to hate what you're doing. You're going to feel beaten down. When you can celebrate all the little wins around you, get pissed off for 2 seconds about number 2 and then move on. You have more joy, more contentment. You You play a bigger game.

You feel more motivated. You make a bigger impact.

We have it reverse.

You think that you got to have all the money in the world, and then you're going to be happy and satisfied with yourself.

Not true. Treat yourself with respect and encouragement now, and you will feel empowered to go do all the things that create all the wealth that you need and all the impact you want. Very true.

What if you looked at your evenings as an opportunity to not only wind down your day and Find a little time for yourself and do a few simple, I'm talking crazy easy things that will help you wake up feeling refreshed and empowered to attack the day. Nothing that's going to be hard. But I'm going to warn you, when you hear the steps, you might go, Oh, for God's sakes, Mel. Seriously? I don't need to hear this. This is obvious. I know I waste my evenings on social media. I know I shouldn't have a glass of wine as much as I do. I know I need to go to bed early. I know I should be reading a book instead of just doomscrolling. I know all this. I don't need to listen to this. Well, I got news for you. You need to hear this. So do I. Because common sense isn't so common. And if it's obvious, it doesn't mean that you're actually doing it. And this is one of those reminders that's really important. And don't worry, this is not an episode all about sleep and sleep hygiene. I'm actually going to tell you the truth about four simple, easy changes that will make a significant difference in your your evenings and your mornings.

And these really impact time, and they impact your energy. And this is just so dead simple. And even though I'm not going to address sleep specifically and in a detailed way, I'm going to promise you something. If you follow these four steps, you're not only going to fall asleep faster, but you will get better sleep as a byproduct. And I'm going to tell you why. There's research as to why settling in to a very simple evening routine, even if these four steps just take you 10 minutes, and that's probably all it's going to take you. Research Research from the American Academy of Sleep Medicine says, if you create even just a 10-minute evening routine, it does help you fall asleep faster and stay asleep. Why? Because having the rhythm of this rock solid evening routine works with your circadian rhythm. It signals to your mind and your body that you're ready to go to sleep. So there is this added benefit. And before I walk you through the four steps, I want you to know how easy this is. It's dead easy. Because by the time you're ready to do these four things, you've already done the hard stuff today.

You've already gone to work, you've already gone to school, you've already done all kinds of things on your to-do list, you've already done so much stuff. And as you move through these four simple things, it's not going to take really any brain hour at all, but it gives you so much time and energy back tomorrow morning. And that's why this is just so cool and why I'm so passionate about it. All right. Have I made my case? Are you really excited about your evening tonight? I bet you are, because I can tell you're going, All right, Mel, shut up. You've sold me. What are these four things? I'm so glad you asked, because I'm going to tell you what they are after a short word from our sponsors. They allow me to bring this to you at zero cost. So take a listen, and I'll be waiting for you after the break, and we're going to jump right in to how you're going to create a rock solid evening routine. Don't go anywhere. Welcome back. It's your friend Mel. I've been waiting for you. Thank you for taking this time for yourself. And you're going to thank me after you listen to this, because I'm going to give you found time back, both in the morning and the evening.

You're going to love this. You and I are talking about the fact that a rock solid evening routine truly is the way to set yourself up for a super successful morning, a better life, and a much more enjoyable and restorative evening. And before I break down the four simple steps based on the research, there is one thing that you have to do before we jump into the four steps. I mean it. This is the foundational piece that most people miss. And once you do it once, you don't have to do it again. And as I explain this foundational piece that everybody misses, you're going to literally go, Well, this is super obvious, Mel. But as I unpack it, you'll be like, Oh, this is not so obvious. And no wonder everybody misses a step. Here is the step that will help you not only have a relaxing, blissful, amazing, productive, restorative evening tonight, but it will also help you make tomorrow morning fabulous. You ready? Foundational step. Pick your bedtime. I'm going to say it Pick your bedtime. I know, I know. Sounds stupid. But this really, really works. Because if you were picking your bedtime, which I know you're not, you wouldn't be up at 11:00 at night wishing that you had gone to bed earlier because you would know your bedtime.

So what time do you need to be asleep in order to get eight hours of sleep every night? That's how we're going to work around this question, pick your bedtime. And Here's the thing. When I say, Pick your bedtime, you probably went, Oh, my bedtime should be 10. Not so fast. This is actually a very complicated question, and I'm going to explain why. In order to determine what time You need to be asleep. You have to know what time you need to wake up. This is where you are sabotaging yourself. This is where you're shooting yourself in the foot. This is where your days and your evenings go off the rails, because you don't even know what That time you truly need to wake up and get out of bed in order to set yourself up for success tomorrow morning. And figuring this out changed my life, because I was the person that used to think, I can just roll out of bed at 07:00 AM, and I can do my entire morning routine, which involves making my bed, getting the exercise in, getting journaling done, making breakfast, walking the dogs, getting the kids out the door.

Does this sound familiar? Oh, and I can do it all in about 15 minutes. Sounds like a lot of fake math, right? My daughters call it girl math. Christopher, my husband, calls it Mel time. And so here I would be going like, Oh, I can just wake up at seven o'clock and do 150,000 things, and the alarm would go off. And as soon as I woke up and I got up, I was already behind the ball. I don't have time to do any of this. Exercise, out the window. Dogs don't get a walk. I don't have time for journaling. And so I need you to be honest with yourself. What time do you need to wake up for real in order to be able to do all All the things that you need to do in the morning to truly start your day off on the right foot. And if you're being honest about what you really need to set yourself up, I bet that the time that you need to wake up is probably half an hour or an hour earlier than you are currently waking up. So for me, waking up at 7:00 AM is what I felt like doing.

It's what I thought I could do. But it's not what I needed to do. And what I've come to realize is that when I really think about what I need to do in the morning for myself to set myself up to have a great day, I need to get up and out of bed between 5:45 and 6:15, if I want to have enough time in the morning to do what I need to do. And if you're not even honest with yourself about what time you need to get up to give yourself the runway that you need of time, then before you've even laid your head on the pillow the night, you've already just screwed up your morning routine. So when I ask you the question, Pick your bedtime, what I'm actually saying is not, When do you need to fall asleep? I'm saying, When do you need to climb into your bed? And I'm going to keep on breaking the math down. Here's how you're going to do it. You're going to start by picking the time that you need to wake up using real-time, not fake-time. The time that you need to give yourself the runway, the time that would really allow you to do everything that you would like to do.

And I want you to really just think about that for a second. If you were to just imagine the time that you need to wake up and get out of bed so that you had all the time that you need tomorrow morning to do everything that makes you feel like a million bucks, that makes you feel set up for success and taken care of, what time would that Do you have that time in mind? Great. So for me, I have to be out of bed by 6:00 AM. And I know it sounds pretty early, but it is what it is. And then once you have that time, and I'm just going to use 6:00 AM, you got to roll the clock back eight hours. So you get eight hours of sleep. And I realize I'm talking to you like a toddler, but it is what it is, and everybody misses this part. And that takes me to 10:00 PM. And that's not your bedtime, by the way. Ten 10:00 PM is when you need to be asleep by. So if you need to be asleep by 10:00 PM, now let's get to answering the real question.

When are you actually climbing into bed? I don't know. I can't answer that for you. How long does it take you to fall asleep? Are you the person that can basically send a text at 9:35 PM and you're asleep at 9:37? Or are you the person that needs to get in that bed at 9:00? Because it takes you an hour of reading a book, or laying there, or meditating, or whatever whatever it is that you need to do in order to drift off to sleep. So when I say to you, Pick a bedtime, I'm not talking about when you feel like going to bed. I'm not talking about when you need to fall asleep. I'm talking about when do you need to crawl in between those sheets and start that wind down process. And that is personal to you. My husband, for example, that man, literally, as he is laying his head on the pillow, I think the man is snoring and sawing logs right as his head is hitting the pillow. That's how fast the man falls asleep. For me, it takes somewhere between 5 and 25 minutes to go from climbing into bed and getting all settled in and getting my book out.

There are some nights I'm so tired, I can barely read. I turn off the light, I go to sleep. There are other nights I read a little bit longer. And so what does this mean? This means that in order for me to be out of bed by 6:00 AM and get the sleep that I need and that you need to, it means my bed My bedtime is not 10:00 PM. My bedtime is somewhere between 9:15 and 9:30. And the reason why I'm getting granular, and maybe a little irritating, is because if you don't get this right, if you don't pick the right bedtime for crawling into your sheets, you will never actually be able to build a rock solid evening routine. Because everything that I'm about to explain to you now builds to this point. Falling asleep is critical to you getting great sleep and understanding Doing what it takes to fall asleep and then giving yourself that amount of time and building an evening routine that leads up to that and builds momentum to it. That's essential. And there's more research here. This comes from Dr. Rebecca Robbins. She's a scientist at Harvard Medical School in the Division of Sleep Medicine and Cercidian Rhythm Disorders.

Her research shows that by having a consistent bedtime, for me, 9:15, and a consistent wake-up time, for me, 6:00 AM, will help you get better sleep, and it will also help you fall asleep faster. This is so important from standpoint of training your brain to help you be a better sleeper. And being a better sleeper helps you have a better morning and a better life. So picking a bedtime when you crawl in between the sheets that truly supports you, critical, element, foundational to your rock solid evening routine, and to setting yourself up for an amazing morning, too. All right. Now that you know when you need to be climbing into the sheets and when your body needs to be in that bed, 9:15 for me, that's my target. Now you are ready to talk about the four super easy steps that you will take every single night to make the night amazing and tomorrow morning fabulous. And step one, clean up the mess so your morning is fresh. What does that mean? Well, let me bring in a visual that's disgusting. Okay? You're ready for step one? Just imagine a toilet bowl. Seriously, you're in the bathroom, you're sitting on the toilet.

As soon as you're done doing your business in the bathroom, what do you do? Well, you stand up, you turn around, you flush the toilet. Of course, you flush the toilet. Why do you flush the toilet? I'll tell you why. Because you don't want to leave that mess in there for someone else or for yourself when you come back in. I mean, that would be disgusting. You clean up the mess so the bowl is fresh. You want to do the same thing every evening. You want to clean up today's mess so tomorrow morning is fresh. And we are literally going to, in step one, flush the day down the toilet so that when you wake up tomorrow morning, you don't have a mess waiting for you to clean up. And so I'm going to give you a list of the things that you can do so you can wake up fresh. And it doesn't take long. I mean, I'm talking five minutes. And that's what I love about this evening routine. It is so easy. It takes almost no time. What are you going to do to clean up the mess? Simple. Empty the dish, load the dishwasher, take out the trash, clean off the counters.

If you have kids or a roommate or a really sloppy partner where their stuff is all over the place, Create those little piles that we create. Put them at the staircase or outside their door so that they can take them up in the morning. Just get them out of your line of sight. Turn off the lights. Charge your computer. Clean up the things from today. Create a fresh start for yourself tomorrow because you don't want to saddle Follow yourself tomorrow morning with all the crap that you could do tonight. I'm talking five lousy minutes. And you want to know why I love cleaning up the mess at night? Let me tell you why. Because you're freaking tired. So you don't have to be a perfectionist. Good is good enough. Just get it done. And the other reason why I love this is because when you wake up in the morning and you see an empty sink and clear counters and no piles, you know what you're going to say? Thank you. Thank you. Because I don't have to do it right now. And you know what? If you had a guest staying over at your house tonight, you would do that when they went up to bed.

Why? Because you want them to wake up and see a clean-looking place. So do this for yourself as a way to take care of yourself. That's step one. See how easy this is? Clean up the mess and start tomorrow fresh. You know what I feel like? I feel like we should have a toilet bowl sound flush right here. And given that we just flushed the toilet on the day, I feel like this is a great time to take a quick break and hear a word from our sponsor. And when we come back, the mess is clear, and it's going to be fresh for you and me to talk talk about step number two. Don't go anywhere. Welcome back. It's your friend Mel, and you and I are breaking down the four steps on how you create a rock solid evening routine and set yourself up for success. And the reason why this matters is because it will improve your health. It'll make you feel more successful. It'll change how you feel. It'll make you wake up and feel more in control. And it will also help you have an evening where you make the best use of the time while you're tired, and you You also find time for yourself.

And I'm going to explain more of that as we keep going. We've already covered this foundational question, Have you got to pick a bedtime? And that is when you are crawling into those sheets, okay? We've also covered the first step, which is cleaning up the mess from tonight in order to set yourself up for a fresh start tomorrow morning. Now, let's talk about the second step in this evening routine. Once you've cleaned up the mess, I just want you to take five minutes and make it easier for yourself in the morning. What do I mean by that? I mean, set yourself up. If you're going to exercise in the morning, lay out your exercise clothes. If you're going to walk the dog, leave the leash by the door. If you're going to try to drink more water, fill up the water bottle and put it in front of the coffee maker so it's waiting there for you like a little gift. If you take supplements or vitamins in the morning, set them out in the morning for yourself. Just make it easier. If you're trying to eat healthy, pack your lunch so it's done. Why does this work?

Let me tell you why this works. There's a term that you may have heard called decision fatigue. Decision fatigue is this concept that basically explains that the more decisions that you have to make, the harder it is to make decisions. It's almost like the decisions build up this resistance inside of you. And over the course of the day, it becomes worse and worse, and the decisions get harder and harder, and your resistance to them becomes bigger and bigger. One of the reasons why just taking five minutes at night to make things easier. While you're at half capacity, You're tired. I mean, heck, you can be doing this stuff while you're scrolling on social media. If you do some simple things to make tomorrow easier, it removes a ton of decisions that you have to make in the morning. And what we know, based on habit research, is if you are trying to make a new habit stick, like drinking more water, by filling up the water the night before and putting it in place where it's right there in front of your face, it is visual, the more likely you will drink it in the morning.

Why? Because you don't have to remember to do it, and you don't have to make a decision to do it. It's right there for you. You bump right into it. It's like you've set a trap for yourself. And you know why else this makes so much sense? Is because you took five minutes last last night while you were exhausted to just clean up the mess and to set things out so that you set yourself up for success and made it all easier. And now you got all this time because you don't walk into the kitchen and go, Oh, my God, the dishes. Oh, my gosh, the lunches. Where's my backpack? Where's my keys? I don't know what to do. I'm running out of time because what happens when you're running out of time in the morning because you didn't set yourself up last night? What goes out the window? Oh, no time to exercise, no time to walk the dogs, no time to do the gratitude practice. I'm now so stressed out and overwhelmed, I forgot to drink my water. Not anymore. Because while you were exhausted last night, you took five minutes to clean up the mess and start the day fresh.

And then you took five minutes, little steps to make your morning easier. And I love this. And there's so many examples of how you can do this. You can put your keys on the counter so you don't have to spend 10 minutes searching for them. I mean, that used to be me. I used to burn through 15 minutes every morning just searching for my keys. Not anymore. Pack your gym bag. Why? Because it sucks to pack your gym bag at 5:45 in the morning. But if you did it while you were half asleep texting your sister, it's already waiting for you by the door in the morning. You just made it easier, and now you're leveraging research to make that habit of going to the gym stick. And what I also love is that you can use half your brainpower to do something like this. In fact, last night, I'm here in our Boston studios, and I was staying in a hotel. And as I was brushing my teeth, I'm in my pajamas, I was laying out my exercise clothes on the back of the chair. Why? Because it made it easier when I got up at 5:45 AM this morning to get out of bed, just pull them on, and get out the door and go to the gym.

I set myself up. And one of the things that's so cool about this, and this is where I want you to really just consider the argument I'm making, what is your most precious commodity in the morning? I can say this another way. What are you in short supply of in the morning, every morning? Time. You never have You don't have time in the morning, do you? So by taking just a couple of minutes at night without a lot of brainpower and making the mess go away, and setting things out to make things easier for you tomorrow, it's like a double gift. You're not only making it easier, you're making it more likely that you're going to do the things that you want to do, and you also have found time. I think that's so cool. You've taken time away from the evening so you can start fresh tomorrow, and you've taken steps to make it easier, and you've protected your time at the time a day that matters most in the morning, when you never have enough time. So we just gave you time. How cool is that? And so now you're going to have the time to do the things that you want to do.

And that brings me to the third step, which is take five minutes for yourself. Five minutes. When was the last time you took five minutes for yourself? You and I get 1,440 minutes a day. You deserve five minutes at night. Right after you clean up the mess and start tomorrow fresh, and you make a couple moves to make tomorrow a little easier, set yourself up. Take five minutes for yourself. Before you give it to the television, before you give it to social media, before you just waste it, I want you to give it to yourself. And it could be doing whatever you want. You could use it to do something. I mean, if you're the person that feels like every evening, this used to be me, I didn't find the time for myself. I have no time for myself. I didn't find the time to work on the thing that I care about. Whether it's a side hustle, or maybe you're trying to make progress on a creative or you're working on a creative gift for somebody, or a grant application, or you're filling out student loan forms, you could use that five minutes to make a little progress there.

And by the way, you don't have to do anything. This is just time for yourself. You could just sit and be quiet. Imagine that. You could have a cup of tea. You could read a book. And if you didn't get to it this morning, you could do your skincare routine. I see a lot of people doing skincare I think I missed the memo on this one. I don't have a big skincare routine, like 57 steps at night. But you know what I do have at night? I love a bath. So oftentimes for me, my take five is to just linger in the bath and do nothing. And you know what? Here's how I make it so easy. As I am brain dead, and I'm cleaning up the mess, and I'm making my mornings easier, I'm packing my bag, I'm laying out my exercise clothes, you know what's happening? The bath is running. I freaking love that. And you know what else I use this time to do? To read or to I'm not listening to audiobooks. I want to just underscore, this is time for you. And one of the things that I've noticed as I've looked at the data is that so many of you around the world are listening to the Mel Robbins podcast at night.

I think that's cool because you know what that tells me? That tells me that you're taking time at night for yourself, and you're choosing to listen to something that is going to help you improve your life or make you feel better. And that's a perfect example of what I'm talking about. So you could listen to another episode of the Mel Robbins podcast as a way to take five for yourself. And I'm saying this as the third step of a rock solid evening routine, because I don't want you to just give that time away. That's what you've been doing. You have been giving the time away to social media or to the television or to whatever, which is why you can't remember what you do most evenings. I want you, after you pick your bedtime, which is when you crawl into your sheets and you clean up the mess from tonight so you can start tomorrow fresh, and you take a few steps to make tomorrow morning easier. Just set yourself up. Take five. Take this time to be kind to yourself. And for me, my take five usually hits somewhere between 7:45 and 9:15. And I'm saying that because what you'll notice is the more that you fall into this four steps, the more it becomes a rhythm.

And in the beginning, it's just five minutes, right? But what happens is as you take five for yourself, and you You don't just flop on the couch and turn on the TV, you don't just zone out into your cell phone. Every single night that you take five for yourself, you break the habit of doing that. You break the habit of cracking open your laptop and putting it on your lap and checking email or scrolling on the phone as you're wasting the evening in front of the TV. And you stop giving that time, time that could be yours, away to something that really doesn't It doesn't matter. And look, I know why you're doing it. Same reason I was doing it. Because you're exhausted and you just want to zone out. But here's what I want to challenge you on. Taking this five minutes before you do what you normally do, it's actually extraordinarily restorative. And what I noticed is that it starts with just taking five minutes, but it quickly expands because it feels so good. And next thing you know, it's not five minutes, it's 45 minutes. And you're reading more books, or you've started stretching and doing a hatha yoga practice at night.

And you probably find that as time starts to expand, you realize, Oh my gosh, I've just been giving this time away. Not anymore. And that brings me to the fourth step, and the last part of a rock solid evening routine. This is right before you slip into that bed and you get into those silky amazing sheets. And by the way, one of One of my favorite sponsors of Mel Robbins podcast is Cozy Earth. I want to give them a huge shout out because I love their sheets. But the final thing I want you to do before you tuck yourself in is this. Tuck in your phone. What does that mean? That means I want your phone to have its own little bed. I want you to tuck your phone in somewhere other than your bedside table or in bed with you. And don't even deny, you sleep with your phone. Your phone is right within reach. I know it's true. Mine used to be, too. It's really, really, really important that you stop doing this. And I am going to do an entire episode on this topic about why the phone, even just near you, is horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible.

And there's a bazillion reasons why. I can tell you one of the main reasons is blue light. The research is so scary. The blue light from your phone suppresses the production of melatonin. In fact, one study related to kids shows that kids exposed to bright light an hour before bed, their melatonin levels were suppressed by 98%. For adults, 50% suppression. It creates fragmented sleep, which impacts your ability to fall asleep, to stay asleep, to be in deep sleep. I mean, this is a really big thing. And I'm just talking about the light. Don't even get me started about all the notifications and the bings and the booms and the this and the that. Just stop. My standard rule is this. I don't tuck myself in between those cozy air sheets until I've tucked my phone in the bathroom because I don't trust myself. I'm addicted to it. I will reach for it. And if I don't tuck my phone in that bathroom before I crawl into bed, I will be scrolling on Instagram in bed, buying things at 11:00 at night instead of falling asleep by 10:00. In fact, just the last time, a couple of weeks ago, I didn't do this.

I was in bed on my phone. I know I'm not supposed to be, and I was doing it anyway. And I saw these little outdoor lights that looked so incredible. They were like these lantern things. One-click shop. They arrived. They're like four inches tall. They looked nothing like they did online. And it's funny because I'm sitting here teaching you the science and the research, but I cannot be trusted with my phone. And this is a problem. And that's why I've solved it by not having it near me. I've removed the temptation. And that is why step number four, you have to tuck your phone in before you tuck yourself in. See how this all works together? And this only works if you are willing to not only be honest with yourself, but also to really take a look and truly know yourself. And this is a critical component, because if you're not honest with yourself, you will be trapped in a cycle that I trapped in for a very long time, which is you spend all day exhausted, trying to get through your day, wondering why you keep waking up every morning in a mess, and why you can't get out of that trap, and why you're so tired at night, and then why you keep wasting evenings on social media and on TV.

Well, I just gave you the secret because you weren't getting intentional. Pick your bedtime and be very serious about it, and experiment with it until you settle into this consistent bedtime, where you crawl in between the sheets and give Give yourself enough of a runway that works most nights for you, and that gives you the eight hours of sleep that you deserve. So let me just run through this again. After you cook dinner, clean up the mess so that you can step into something fresh tomorrow. Remember that toilet bowl? Let's clear that day out so you got a fresh new day, and you wake up with a lot more time because you don't have to be cleaning up the mess. The second step, just take five minutes and set yourself up for success. It's such a nice thing to do. It also helps you have more time in the morning, which I know you need. The third step, take five for yourself. Before you give the time that you have, before you climb into your sheets to your phone or Netflix, take five for you. Do something that makes you feel good, that's restorative. And what you'll find is that five will slowly turn into 15, and then 25, and then 35, and then the next thing you know, you'll find an hour of time that really is time for you, and it becomes a very important part of your life and a way to give back to yourself.

Yourself. And finally, you're going to tuck your phone in somewhere else before you tuck yourself in. Go ahead and try it. Try these four simple steps for four days this week, and let me know what you think. And please share this episode because these are simple steps based on research that will help you or someone you love. Make tonight be the most relaxing, happy, blissful, or productive night that you've had in ages, and it will absolutely set you up to wake up tomorrow morning and feel supported, refreshed, and I'm going to teach you three steps to create more synchronicity, to tap into this extraordinary power that you have, to create more success, to experience more meaning. And so let's just start with what is synchronicity? Well, synchronicity is basically one of those moments that you just can't explain. They're magical, but you immediately have a moment of synchronicity, and it gives you this sense that, wow, I'm being guided. Like the universe got its hand on my back. I describe these moments like a holy shit moment, where you're thinking of your friend from 20 years ago, and a minute later, oh my gosh, there they are.

They're texting or calling you, or you're in a business meeting. Have you ever had this happen? You're pitching a new client and you find out that they're from your same hometown. Don't you love that stuff? In fact, that actually happened to me recently, too. There's a caterer that I I use all the time up here in Southern Vermont. His name is Paul. He works with his wife, Julia. They're absolutely amazing. And he was setting up lunch for our team on a production day. And my sister-in-law, who happens to be my Chief Operating Officer for 143 Studios, she had flown in from the week. We were here in Southern Vermont. We're filming a bunch of stuff for you. We are all together. Paul and Julie are catering the lunch, and we're all downstairs in the kitchen. Paul and Christine start chatting. It turns out, check this out, that Paul and Christine and Julia, they all went to Naperville High School in Illinois and graduated the same year. What are the odds? It's such a huge high school that they didn't know each other. But now they're standing here in Southern Vermont and we're all working and vibing together.

I mean, is that a coincidence? Coincidence? Or is that life telling you something? See, I say it's not a coincidence. It's not a coincidence at all. I say it's happening for a reason, that there is deep meaning in the fact that Christine and Julia and Paul all went to high school together, and they just figured it out while they were standing in the kitchen on a workday while we were producing amazing content. Now, If you're someone who's cynical, you might hear this example about Christine and Julia and Paul, and you might shrug your shoulders and say, It's just a coincidence. Well, after today, you're not going to do that. The reason why you're not going to do that is because I'm going to teach you something using research, and it's this, that you will never tap into the success that you desire or the deeper meaning in your life if you don't learn how to see the deeply personal meaning and things that are happening around you. Simply saying, meh, it's a coincidence, is you declaring, that means nothing. There's no magic in my life. There's no reason for this. But calling it a sign of something greater is what gives your life meaning.

And these moments matter, and they happen in your life all the time. And when you start to see deeply personal reasons for random things happening in your life, you begin to unlock the power of your mind. And you tap into something deeper that is available to you right now. See, I could see that Christine, Julia, and Paul, as a sign, that even the caterer is supporting this decision, that we're not just sister-in-law, that we're supposed to work together. And here's the cool thing, The thing about learning this superpower of seeing life working for you, of brainwashing your sofa success and for deeper meaning, is that you get to choose what things mean when they're happening in your life. Why wouldn't you want that for yourself? Why go through life questioning whether or not you've made the right decision? Why go through life just shrugging off things as a coincidence? Oh, it just It's not a coincidence. I'm just going through the motions in my life. There's nothing here to see. Why not see the fact that it stopped raining and all of a sudden the sun came out? Right before your first Zoom interview for this job that you really want.

Why not see that as a really good sign that it's going to go well, that you're on the right track, that you're doing the right thing by putting yourself out there. Why not see the fact that the song playing in the restaurant, which happened to be the song that your parents Parents dance to, the first dance song at their wedding? Why not see the fact that the song is playing in the restaurant as a sign that the person that you're dating right now is actually a good person? When the house that you really want to buy has an address, 508, and that just happens to be the same area code as the state you're moving from. How is that not a sign? This is your new home? That even if it's not, that things are working out for you and just looking at this house as a marker on the right path of you finding the right home? Imagine. Imagine how different it would feel if you brainwashed yourself to believe that life is supporting you, guiding you, that you're not alone at all, that you can see signs that you're on the right path or on the wrong path.

I mean, you felt this sense at moments in your life, right? That there's something larger for you to experience. Some deeper dimension of life that you could tap into? I'm here to tell you, there is. There's this new study that I love that has proven that simply just having the awareness that synchronicities exist increases your life satisfaction. The study I'm talking about was published in Frontiers in Psychology, and just check out the title of this research, An Unexplored Pathway to Life Satisfaction. Satisfaction. I freaking love that. An unexplored pathway to life satisfaction. Here is how this superpower is going to help you. Number one, when things are really challenging, you can tap into this ability to see synchronicities as a way to bolster your resilience and keep you moving forward when you feel like giving up. I do it all the time. Being able to spot signs and synchronicities and meaning in life, and life is really hard, it's like the ultimate hack to continue the fight, to continue believing that things will work out for you. I mean, even the example that's dumb of Paul and Julia and Christine standing in my kitchen. When I moved here and I freaking hated it, Everywhere I looked, I saw reasons for why this was a dumb decision.

Brainwashing yourself in a positive way allows you to see the positive signs. Even something as crazy as three people standing in your kitchen that went to the same high school. Why not call that out as a sign that you're on the right path? It helps you keep going. It helps you stay optimistic. It helps you with your resilience. And the second reason why you're going to want to know how to use this, and this is a way that it's made a huge difference in my life, is that everything that I experience is so much more profound. Because I know that it wasn't just hard work or luck that got me the results that I wanted or the moments of magic that I've had. I know that there is something deeper going on that I'm tapping into in my day-to-day life, because I don't believe in coincidences. I believe that things are happening for a reason. And when you tap into that and you find evidence in your day-to-day life, I don't even know how to describe it. I I just want it for you. Do you know that there are 150 million podcast episodes that have been published?

And you chose this one. And I'm going to tell you why. Because you were meant to. And if someone that you love sent you this episode, and you made the decision to just click on it and listen to it, it's because you were meant to. So from this point forward, I want you to listen with a level of intention. Listen knowing that there is something that you're going to hear that is exactly what you need to hear at this exact moment in your life. There are no coincidences. Let my voice be the sign that you needed, because I'm on a mission to empower and inspire you, to open your heart and your mind so that you can achieve all the success that you deserve and experience a much more meaningful life. And there are three steps that I'm going to teach you that you can start doing as soon as I teach them to you. And these three steps are based on the research of Dr. Bernard Byteman. He is a professor at the University of Virginia School of Medicine. He's a medical doctor who's trained at Yale and Stanford, and he is the number one researcher in the science of synchronicities, which you know is the pathway to a more meaningful life, according to research.

In his research, he has looked at the patterns of people who experience a tremendous number of synchronicities. I consider myself to be somebody who experiences synchronicities every single day. So I've translated his research into three specific actions that you can start practicing, because I'm serious. I want you to brainwash yourself in a in a positive way because this is so freaking cool. Number one, the first skill that I want you to master is state it and claim it. The second skill we're going to talk about is mastering your energy and how to use it to your advantage. And the third skill we're going to talk about is finding a bigger meaning. And look, I know these three don't quite make a whole lot of sense right now, but when I unpack them in detail and I give you specific examples of how you're going to use it, and then I tell you stories from my life about the crazy success and even the miracles that I've been creating by using these three skills, you are going to be unstoppable. So here's what we're going to do. Let's take a brief break. And while you do, think about something for me, okay?

I want you to think to yourself. If Mel is right, and if what she's about to teach me actually works, if I could tap into greater success and more meaning in my life, and if I could see a sign, some confirmation today, that I'm on the right track or that I've made the right decision, What would that sign be? And begin to open up the space for something more meaningful to happen to you today.

I'll outwork anybody. I know that the secret to success is not getting it right. It's actually getting after it until you get it done. And so work ethic, work ethic, work ethic. Anything is possible if you are willing to give up your timeline and you're willing to put your head down and put the work in. The second thing is, I know that failure and screw-ups are a massive part of paving the road to success. I'm not a lucky person that can just study stuff and implement it, and then it all works out. I have this deeply personal process that everybody shares, by the way, of studying everybody who does it really well, and then implementing their best practices, and then tweaking it so that it feels right. And so failure, screw-ups, detours, all of it is part of the road to success. The third thing is, I write about actually all of this stuff in the high five habit. There is this mindset trick that I created that is an entire chapter in the high five habit that I created when I was launching the five second rule book, which the hard cover book was a huge failure, believe it or not.

When we launched the hard cover, it originally Finally, the bottom line is that when I launched the hard cover, Evan, the hard cover was not available for sale when my marketing kicked off. There was a screw up with Amazon. I started marketing, I told everybody to go buy it, and it read as out of stock. Couldn't even pre-order it. It was like out of stock. Huge mix up on my part. I was a self-published author. As my attitude was going down the drain, I literally started saying this thing to myself on repeat, and everybody, you should Just Steal This. It's like Chapter 13 in the book. This moment is preparing me. This moment is preparing me. This moment is preparing me for something amazing that has haven't happened yet. And every single thing in my life that has been a struggle or a hardship or a heartbreak or anything, even losing people I love to the disease of hopelessness and addiction, those moments of going through tremendous grief and heartache prepared me to help other people to do it. And so when you can start to ground yourself in this idea that... I never really liked, by the way, Evan, that whole phrase, Life is happening for me?

Because there's a lot of stuff that I don't want it. I don't believe it's for me.

But there's something about tweaking it like, This is preparing me. It allows me to take control of a situation I don't like, I didn't want, I didn't plan for, it's not what I deserve. But if it's preparing me for something, it flips my mindset into this attitude that allows me to endure it and allows me to have perspective that someday I will look back on it and understand the wisdom that I gained from it. And so the failure of the hard cover with the five-second rule prepared me for something all right. It introduced me to my business model that has a huge partnership with Audible. The five-second rule because of the failure of the hard cover, became the most sold and listened to audiobook of the year of all of 2017 and opened up a whole new business model, which, by the way, is still bearing out everybody because as the book sells out around the world, it's the audiobook. We were the number one selling audiobook in the world last week, number two selling title on Amazon because of the audiobook. There's a whole new business model I learned. You need to understand that every failure that you have, everybody, it is actually preparing you for something else.

That's number three, that attitude.

The other thing, honestly, is I've been successful in spite of myself, Evan, because it's only since It's against learning the high five habit that I have been able to truly reset my default thinking and become a person whose default is to cheer for herself.

Do I have insecurities? Yes. Do I have self doubts? Yes. But the one thing I don't do anymore is I do not beat the hell out of myself anymore. You see, even all those years, everybody, when my speaking career was taking off, I was literally my biggest critic. It was never enough. It was, well, I... Even though the audience is giving me a standing ovation and the clients just hired me to do seven more events, Evan, I'm like, well, God, I really screwed up minute 43.

I really blew it that time.

I was relentless with myself. And there's a difference, everybody, between having a level of excellence in what you do and high standards, which I know Evan has a level of excellence in what he does, and he also marries his process with excellence. But that's very different than relentless self-criticism. You know what I mean? And what happens with relentless self-criticism, self-hatred, self-doubt, all of that beat down is that, number one, you slow down your progress. Number two, you miss opportunities.

Number three, you lose inspiration and motivation because everything is a grind.

Number four, you have no joy in what you're doing because you are singularly focused on finding stuff that's not going right. Number five, you literally will never be happy and content because you're not allowing yourself to sell celebrate and empower your sofa all the things you're doing right, which only creates more positive momentum. And it was the high five habit, something I created by mistake in April of 2020 that completely changed my habits, my attitude. The reason why this is the most successful thing I've ever done is because I'm different. Using the high five habit, I've asked for help. I've gotten out of the insecurity of needing to do it all myself. I'm enjoying the process of it, even though it's a show behind the scenes. This is just the greatest gift in the world because it changes how I experience my life. And that's the biggest thing, everybody. That's the final takeaway in terms of success and why most of you don't have the success you deserve because you're too hard on yourself. You are focused on what's not working instead of celebrating what is. You're beating the hell out of yourself every day, which is demotivating.

If you want to be You're more successful than you could ever imagine. You must read the high five habit. You must start to put these practices in place. You must start to see the good. You must start to flip your attitude when it's going down. And you must, must, must be able to use the tools in here to become somebody that is supportive, encouraging of yourself.

I love it. And just to speak to your willingness to ask for help as well as just the work ethic. Back in Napa, one of our field trips was to go hot air ballooning, and you and I are both afraid of heights. It's like, okay, we're in the same balloon together. And it was like a half hour, 45 minute ride to get there. And Mel sitting next to me and we're in this little van, and she pulls out her notebook. He's like, okay, Evan, tell me everything that's wrong with my YouTube channel. I don't have the answers, but I'm going to take notes. I'm going to make sure that this happens. So be honest and tell me. You're like, rip it It's like, okay. And we did a jam session all the way up. And so I love how you are constantly trying to learn and maximize the time. And even if it's something that is, you're not going to be the one updating thumbnails and tweaking titles. And Even though you don't fully understand it.

We were today.

There we go.

I love it. I think that's it, too, Evan.

And you're like this. Thank you for the comment. You're the exact same. That's why you see it in me. We are both learners. Like I think this is the greatest thing in the world, everybody, to... Of course, I want to update thumbnails and obsess over titles because that's the art of this. And unless you're willing to be a student of what you're doing, you'll never be able to teach the things that you've learned. And so I think that Evan is such a student of his craft. It's why he has so much success, and he's having a lot fun because he brings a student mindset to what he's doing.

Mel, would you fill in some of the blanks for the last one or two humans listening to our podcast around the world?

Give us a quick condensed version of the highlights of your career and what led you to write this recent book called The High Five Habit. It's interesting because when I hear you list off all these things that I've done, there's a part of my mind that fills in a blank, and it's saying, who is he talking about? I feel disconnected from the amount of stuff that I've done. But I think that one of the things that's really unique about me is that my brand of personal development and transformation and inspiration typically requires me to either fall in a hole or dig one for myself, personally, professionally. And it's when I hit a low moment and I realize, oh, my gosh, no one's coming to solve this for me. I need to manufacture a ladder that's going to help me climb out of where I am, whether that is mental, whether it is physical habits, whether it's something that's a process thing or a personnel thing going on in business. And it's through the struggles that I have had in my life, in my work, with our kids, in being an entrepreneur, that I have discovered some of the greatest tools that have been transformative in my own life.

And so I think one of the interesting things is that people view me as an expert in change, an expert in habits, an expert in motivation, both of self and in others. I don't view myself as that. I view myself as somebody who is is a light on the path that you are walking on. And the reason why I know I'm a light on the path is because somehow we've connected and you're listening to this or you're watching this.

And so you are meant to hear something that we are about to talk about and that it's through the sharing of particularly the struggles and the sharing of the simple tactics, tools, research or stories that have helped me in similar situations that has created all of the success, all of the impact that you see today.

And I think that those two things are really important. The struggle is just as important as the solution, because I think that in life and in business, it is through the breakdowns and it's through the hard hard moments in our lives and in our work that we build confidence, that we build courage, that we build resilience. I mean, think about engineering, for example. A lot of times, some of the best and most innovative ideas in terms of coding or in terms of a process or in terms of a product is when something's not working and when you make a mistake or when you spend all this time working on something and you run headfirst into a brick wall. And unfortunately, both in corporate culture and in our personal lives, for some reason, we all feel like we got to hide our mistakes. But it's in the examining and unpacking and learning from our mistakes that you find the greatest wisdom. You find the solutions that you're looking for. And so that's the importance of sharing struggle. It makes you realize you're not alone. It pulls the stigma and shame away from making mistakes, which is the only way that you innovate.

It's the only way that you keep moving forward. And then the solutions are important because they give hope, they give a plan, and they give tactics. And the final thing that I'll say is that I think the thing that I have a real knack for is that I have this ability to take really complex topics and boil them down into very simple, tactical and memorable things to do. And what I've found over the course of my life is that we all make a major mistake. And the major mistake that we make when it comes to changing anything is that we believe that just because the problem that we're facing is big or the dream or goal that we have is big, that somehow the solution is also big. And I have found it is the exact opposite. The bigger the problem, the smaller the solution. The larger the goal, the the tinier the tactic will be to get you started and keep you moving toward it. Hey, it's Mel. Thank you so much for being here. If you enjoyed that video, by God, please subscribe because I don't want you to miss a thing. Thank you so much for being here.

We've got so much amazing stuff coming. Thank you so much for sending this stuff to your friends and your family. I love you. We create these videos for you, so make sure you subscribe.