Transcript of 4 Simple Ways To Stop Caring About Things That Don’t Matter! | Mel Robbins

Rule number one for how to stop giving a shit about things that don't matter. Rule number one, try giving a shit about everything and see how it feels. I'm dead serious about this. I know it sounds stupid, but why not worry about what shoes you're wearing? Worry about what everybody's thinking. Worry about what your boss is doing. Worry about what's going to happen next week. And then stop and ask yourself, Is that working for you? Does it really work for you to lie in bed at night and worry about what your friends are doing? Does it really work you to scroll through social media and worry about the weight you've gained or worried about this? Does it really work for you to obsess about what outfit you're going to put on seven different times before you leave the house? Does it really work for you to worry about the fact that your makeup is running and you Just... Drop the mask. That's the point of this. Because if worrying about everything and giving a shit about all this stupid stuff actually worked, you'd be happier. You'd feel more secure. You'd have more time because you It would work, but it doesn't work.

It is so liberating when you realize that, my God, I'm robbing my own energy and my own focus and my own confidence by worrying about so much shit that doesn't matter. Stop it. Stop it. And if you can't stop it, I would just goose it, man. I would step on the accelerator, and I would worry about every damn thing and then ask yourself, Is this really helping me? Because it doesn't help you to put your hand on a hot stove. That's why you don't do it every day. That's rule number one. Rule number two, this goes back to the stuff we talked about with CNN and zooming out and visualizing who actually is criticizing people online. I mean, come on now. Let's sow some empathy. Rule number two for me that has helped me really stop obsessing about what other people are thinking or other people's reactions is I've come to believe that almost everybody you meet is at about the emotional maturity of somewhere between 8 and 12. I think that's where most people get stuck. Most people's disappointment is an eight-year-old throwing a tantrum. Most people being mad at you is about as long as an 11-year-old is mad at you.

We conflate adults with adult maturity. Integrity when it comes to their emotional reactions, and 99% of the population does not have it. If you can imagine your boss as an eight-year-old, I think about the guy that we were meeting with at Audible. Great guy. I I can love him. I hope we do a ton of business together. But I think about him as a cool kid who's playing games and video games and super innovative and super smart. It allows me to just relate to him on that human level instead of trying to do that gamesmanship and bad boss, and I'm going to get the deal done. No. Think about everybody as between the emotional maturity of 8 to 12, and you'll worry a lot less about how they react. Rule number three is incredibly important, and I want to thank my team for helping me distill this down, because I think this is super, super, super important. Rule number three is when it comes to not giving a shit, there is a time and a place for it. Okay? And I'm going to take this even further. There is a time for really important standards and being rigid about following them, and a time to amplify qualify your self-expression.

And I'm going to give you a tool in just a minute for how you can really use this. In fact, no, I'm going to give you the tool now because I think it'll make more sense. Think about a seesaw, that teeter totter thing. It's a balance. So in certain environments, like maybe when you go home, home still feels like the same operating procedures as when you were eight years old. And so maybe you've been really putting more weight on the side of the way things have always has been, and you've really not been giving a shit about your self-expression. The opportunity here is to see where in your life you have stopped being you. You have started giving a shit about things that don't align with your value, that suffocate you, that make you feel like you can't be you. That is not a place that you should be. Those are not relationships you should be in. But you got to think about this like a seesaw. Where in your life are things out of balance, and you're starting to give a shit and put it weight into things that no longer align with you?

And where can you bring things more into balance so that you can be yourself, you can be self-expressed, and you can do so without offending people around you, without you violating corporate HR policies. We were talking a lot about open-toed shoes. If I were walking into J. P. Morgan to close It was a massive e-learning, corporate training deal. I probably would not have worn my Valentino Espadrilles despite how much they cost. I probably would have worn something else, or at least I would have gotten a fucking manicure. Okay? Why? Because there is a time and a place to be Cavalier. Your job is a place to pay attention to standards. Why? Because they're paying you to do something. A job, I hope it's fun. I hope you're part of a culture, and you have a sense of belonging, and you feel appreciated. But the bottom line is, you're there because you're getting paid to do something, which means you should care more about the standards and the culture and the operating procedures than you might in your day-to-day life. Why? Because you are making an exchange for money. But I have one giant caveat when it comes to talking about standards in the workplace, and I want to take this opportunity to have a conversation with you about it because it is incredibly important.

It is very real. It's very real in work. It's very real in life in general, and it impacts people's ability to be fully, authentically their truest selves. See, there are a lot of standards, especially in the workplace, where discrimination and bias is very real, and it impacts people's ability to be themselves. And as a white woman, I have the privilege of never having to deal with that. I'll give you an example. I have a bunch of black female friends who do not feel comfortable wearing their natural hair at work. It's not just anecdotal. There is incredible research documenting this. A recent study from Michigan State, for example, confirms that 80% of Black women feel that they need to switch their hairstyle in order to align with more conservative work standards. A recent study from Duke has proven that Black women with natural hairstyles, like an Afro, or twist or braids, less likely to land a job interview than a white woman like me or a Black woman with straightened hair. I mean, that just makes me want to cry. Here I am talking about open-toed shoes, and black women have to worry about their hair and being who they are, that is so shitty.

That's why I wanted to take an opportunity and why I think it's so important to call out this type of bias. That's why I'm doing it right now. I want to acknowledge that whether it's your gender identity or your religion or your race or your sexual orientation or a disability that you have, I want to acknowledge that how you manage this balance that I'm talking about between self-expression and being your authentic full self, and the very real bias and discrimination that exist in social and workplace norms, that is a deeply Really personal decision and balancing act that you got to make every single day. It's easy for me to say, Hey, hiding who you are is never okay, because it's true. I don't want you to ever hide who you are. But I just felt it was important that I acknowledge that it's easy to say, but it's not that easy to do. Let me layer that into this rule number three that we're talking about, which is there's a time and a place for self-expression. It is up to you to decide what you value most in any situation. When you think about that seesaw between standards and societal or workplace norms, versus your self-expression and you being you.

But here's what I do know. I hope that you find the courage to choose your values and to choose being yourself as often as you can. And that brings me to the fourth rule. The fourth rule for how to learn how to give a shit about what matters and not care about what doesn't. The fourth rule is, you go first. You go first. Every single human being that you encounter is trapped in some rule they think they should be following. Everybody. And the rule, if you want to start giving a shit about what really matters, is you go first. You be the one that shows up with Esther Dels. You be the one that says, I'll pull on that space suit and climb into that thing. You be the one that brings the fun. And what I found over and over and over again, and I think Christine, you'll be able to say, Yep, it's true, is that by being willing to put the real me, especially the hideous me, the moments where I'm crying, the moments where my makeup is running, the moments where the dog has just barfed all over something, the moments where I've just left a gym class, where I've pulled a calf muscle, and I'm still panting, and my eyes are bloodshot, and my face is beet-red, and I literally look at myself in the selfie, and I say, How does Christopher Robbins wake up next to this every single morning with a smile on his face because you, woman, are ugly.

And then I hit play. My willingness to do that, my willingness to go first, to drop the mask, the filter, to just put it out there. It's liberating for people. I mean, people come up to me more often when I look like shit, and I say, Yeah, I'm happy to take a selfie. They're like, Really? Like, shocked that I would want to actually take a selfie looking like that. And then somebody perfectly maids up like, well, let me fix my hair. I'm like, are you kidding? Look at me. I look like a labradoodle that just ran a marathon. I mean, give me a break. Get the selfie up here. Let's go. I'm going to make a kissy face because my jaw is frozen. Chosen, and it makes it look like I'm taking a shit when I try to smile. But what do you see, Christine, in the you go first? In the you go first? Yeah, absolutely. I think it's something that really connects with people when they meet you, of just feeling like they're running into a friend that they have seen from afar. I think that there's something very special about that, and it's a true connection.

And then something I would just add as somebody who's known you for a long time, Gosh, 18 years at this point, of you have always been exactly the same person. And so it's weird that when we run into people and people are super excited to see you just because I've known you for so long, but that it's a sincere connection for sure. And the other thing I would say is that I've never known you to make a negative comment about any one else's appearance, how anyone else is dressed. I don't think that's something that you process. Us or connected to. And I think it's because you read yourself of those constraints that I don't even know that it's something that you notice. And I think that's quite admirable. And I think that's also something to share of once you stop caring about those things, you'll stop paying attention to them and other people, too. It makes it better for everyone. That's a huge, profound point, because I've heard other people, Christine, make this point where they go, When other people judge you, it's about them. It's not about you. But I think you just illustrated why.

Because I don't ever critically judge what anybody else looks like or what they're wearing because you're right, I don't judge myself for what I'm wearing. I mean, I can laugh at myself. I have humanity and humor about it, but I'm not actually very critical of myself. And I think if you can eradicate that in yourself, it's true. You don't actually criticize other people. It does begin with how you treat yourself, and this also then reinforces what I'm saying about empathy. All those people that you're trying to that you're friends with that are competitive or they're like the high-end group or they're the fancy people, and you feel that criticism, they're deeply critical of themselves. And that's the circle that you're chasing. You got to get right with you. It's an interesting topic, how to not give a shit about stuff, because it sounds like a throwaway topic. But I think at the core of a great life, it's really one of the most important skills that you can actually learn, because what you're doing is you're really giving a shit about your values, and you're putting your attention and your mindset and your effort toward what you value, and you're spending less and less time and energy on things that you don't.

I love that famous Nipsey Hustle quote. If you look at the people in your circle and you don't get inspired, then you don't have a circle, you have a cage. And I'm going to I'm going to add to that quote. If you look at the people in your circle and you can't be yourself, then you don't have a circle. You are in a cage. You got to be very careful about this, because here's what I've realized over and over and over again in my own life. It's that my own behavior and my insecurities are almost always what put me and keep me in that cage. That brings me to a final story I want to share with you from last week. It's a story about our daughter, Kendall, and how insecurities can put you in a cage. If you follow me on social media, you're probably aware that our daughter graduated from USC last week, and she was given the honor of singing the National Anthem at the 140th Commencement Ceremonies for the University of Southern California. We were there. It was an unbelievable moment to watch our daughter sing the National Anthem acapella in front of 20,000 fellow graduates and their families.

We're talking at least 50,000 people there as she was singing. And one of the coolest things is as she was singing the National Anthem, and as the song starts to build, you hear the crowd getting louder and louder, and you can also hear her just coming into the fullest, most authentic version of who she is. Just take a listen to this moment.

Oh, say, can you see by the dawn's early light.

What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last moment, whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fire. And the ramparts we we watched were so gallantly streamed. And the rockets, the red galère, the bombs first stayed, in air, gave proof through the night that our flat was still there. Oh, say, does that That star-spangled banner yet wear? Oh, the lap, hand of the free, and the home of the brand. That moment will probably be one of those moments that flashes before my eyes on my deathbed, like a core memory. But that's not the point of the story. The point of the story is this. 24 hours after that moment, I asked her, So, Ken, what was the most surprising thing that's happened since you sang the national anthem yesterday? And she said I didn't realize that 99% of my friends have never heard me sing. I'm like, What? She said, Yeah. She said, Hearing me sing at graduation was the first time in four years of knowing me that they had ever heard my voice. Now, keep in mind, she is a popular music major. For four years, she has been performing performing in college.

And just stop and consider that 99% of her friends over the past four years have never heard her sing. Why? Because of her insecurities. See, she gave a shit about what people would think about her singing. And if you look at her social media, for the last four years, there was only one post on her Instagram account, and that one post was of her singing. But that's it. Now, this is her deepest passion. Her standing before people and singing and sharing herself. This is the truest form. Norm of her self-expression. And yet, she put herself in a cage because of her insecurities. That's so sad. And I know you're doing it, too. That in some area of your life, you are so concerned about what other people might think that you're not sharing your full self. That's what it means to put yourself in a cage. Now, here's the good news. The door to that cage, it's wide open, and it always has been. I hope this episode has inspired you to open your wings and express yourself, your full self. Because when you drop those insecurities and you stop caring so much about it, and you allow yourself to just be you, you, my friend, will set yourself free.

Now, let's talk about those five things that are taking up way too much of your mental and emotional energy. Because here's the thing, when you're trying to control everything, you can't focus on anything that's truly important. And the first thing that I want you to stop wasting mental stress and energy on is the weather. You can't control the weather. But you can control whether or not it bothers you. Let me give you an example. So I live in Southern Vermont, and it's April. Technically, supposed to be spring up here. My daffodils and tulips are starting to poke through and come up, and I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I put our winter coats away. Well, guess what happened a few days ago? I woke up and there was freaking snow outside. Here's the thing. Why would you waste any mental energy in that? Why cause stress? Why get frustrated? You can't control the weather. I mean, it would have been easy for me to pull open the shades and look outside and see my beautiful flower beds all covered with snow, right? And then to start stressing out about whether or not the bulbs are all trashed and, Oh my gosh, I spent all this money on those bulbs, and now they're not going to...

But here's the thing. Does stressing about it change anything? No. So why on Earth do you and I let it affect us? Now, I know it can feel obvious hearing me say, You can't control the weather because you can't. But if it's so obvious, why do we cause ourselves mental distress? Why do we complain about it? Why do we spend time working ourselves up? I'm thinking right now about how much energy a bride or a groom burns through in an entire year as they think ahead and they worry about what the weather is going to be on their wedding day. Why do that? You can't control it. Once you have your plan A and your plan B, you're all set. So why even think about it? If it rains, it rains. But common sense isn't so common. And the weather does control you. I mean, how many times have you canceled plans or bailed on a run because bad weather has affected you? And I'm not talking about a tsunami that's hitting or a situation that's dangerous. I'm talking about normal, predictable, seasonal weather that you can expect. You've let a light rain shower prevent you from going outside and going on that walk, haven't you?

Mm-hmm. Yeah, the dog can let itself out. I'm not going out in that stuff. Or heaven forbid, when it's super humid, that you leave the air conditioning in your house. You'll cancel plans like that. Unless you work for the weather channel, you waste way too much time thinking about it and being impacted by the weather. Here's what I want you to remember. A passing shower isn't going to kill you, so don't let it kill your plans. And it also passes. When there's a cloudy or stormy day, my friend Josh says this all the time, you know what's still up there above those stormy clouds? A bright, beautiful blue sky. Think about that moment on an airplane where you go through the clouds and then you get up above the clouds. What's always up there? A bright blue sky. Bad weather is actually an opportunity. It's an opportunity if you look at the right way and you don't let it control you, for you to practice discipline. In fact, there's a lot of science here that I want to share with you. Did you know that when you do things that you didn't want to do, like going outside for that walk, even though it's raining, the part of your brain that's called the anterior midsingular oculate cortex gets bigger.

And when researchers look at this part of your brain, they see it as the seat of willpower. And not just willpower, but the actual will to live. And this is the only It's a part of your brain that grows by doing things that you don't want to do. And so the weather isn't something for you to control, and it's not something that should control what you're doing. The weather is an opportunity for you to grow. So the next time it rains, don't complain. Just do what you planned on doing. Go out on that run, take that hike, go work in the yard, go walk the dog. It's going to help you. It's actually an opportunity to take control of yourself, of your life, of your discipline. And for all you brides and grooms out there who are worried about the weather, the single best wedding that I was ever at was hit with this epic rain and hailstorm that literally came out of nowhere. It was so big of a storm, one of those storms that comes across the Great Lakes in the Midwest, that one of the tents flooded. Literally, the top of it ripped open and waterfalled onto the dance floor.

And And to this day, Emily Glasser and Billy Sussmann's wedding, 30 years later, is the single best wedding I have ever been to. The most memorable, the most fun. You want to know why? Not only because of the bride and the groom, but because of the storm. Maybe what your wedding needs is a good old-fashioned rainstorm. And maybe what you need is to learn how to run in the rain because you're bigger than the weather. So stop complaining about it because you can't control it. And that snow, by the way, it's cold, and tulips actually love cold weather, and they bloom longer when it's cold. So there's no reason to complain. I should be celebrating about it because you can control whether or not that weather bothers you or stops you from doing what you need to do. And now that you know that, you're going to not let that happen anymore. So let's move on to the second surprising thing that you're wasting time and energy on. And that is, you cannot control the amount of time that you're forced to wait in line, but you can control what you do with your time while you're waiting.

Let's go to an example involving traffic. I want you to think about sitting in your car, you're driving to work, and boom, all of a sudden, you hit traffic. You may be sitting in traffic right now as you listen to me. And as you're in traffic, you start to get frustrated, don't you? You grip the wheel, and then you hem, and you ha, and you tense up, and you hit the GPS, and you're Why? Why do you do that? By the time that you get to work, you're so exhausted because you worked yourself up. You just burned through so much energy in the car being angry that traffic was backed up and delayed. Did any of that anger and stress help you get to work faster? Of course not. Did it move the traffic? No. Did it free up a lane? No. This is why it's so dumb to allow things that you can't control to impact you. Or let's take another example. You're waiting in line at the post office. You got your arms full of packages that you need to return. It's 2:15. The line is so long. You're out there on your lunch break.

You're like, Oh, should I stay? Should I not? So now you've committed to staying in line. And all of a sudden, there's somebody at the front, and they're taking so long. Do you want insurance with this package, honey? You're like, Oh, my God, are you kidding me with this? And you're now starting to get irritated. Do you need some stamps while you're here? Oh, my God. Are they really going to buy stamps right now? We We've all had these moments. Oh, and then all of a sudden, you get close, and what does the clerk do? Oh, I got to go on my lunch break. Let me get somebody to fill in for me. And you're like, Oh, blah, blah. And these feelings of irritation and frustration, they rise up. Why? Because you feel like you're losing control of your time. You thought this was going to take five minutes. Fifteen minutes have passed by. I get it. You got somewhere to be. You got to get back to work. You squeeze this in on your lunch break, and now your lunch break is evaporating before your eyes. We've all been there. You can't control when you're going to be forced to wait in line.

But you can control what you do with your time while you're waiting. What if you were to look at this not as some slight by society or the post office or traffic? What if you were to look at this as found time instead of lost time? Maybe this is just the universe giving you time back. I mean, let's go back to the traffic Another example, again. You're driving along and all of a sudden things slow way down as everybody merges into a one-lane road. And guess what's right in front of you? A truck. Of course. And so you're winding and you're going slower. In that moment, can you control what's happening? No. There's no use to get yourself all stressed out or cause yourself some distress in your mind or start freaking out about it. There's this great post that's gone It's really viral that talks about this exact moment when you get stuck behind a truck on a one-lane road and you're forced to slow down. It's a cue to yourself that this truck is sent by a Guardian angel. It's slowing you down on purpose to avoid whatever is around the corner or at your destination or maybe somewhere along the way that's not meant for you or that may cause you harm.

Do you see how that now puts you into control? So as you slow down, sip your coffee and look at this as an opportunity to be grateful for this time and to practice having patience. And if it's at nighttime and this happens, just imagine that this truck is running point for you, lighting up the way. Isn't that a beautiful way to take control? Because you can't control the times where life slows you down. But you can control what you do with that time. And when you look at it like a gift, you take the control back. And there's so many things you could do. You could turn on Rosetta Stone, one of the sponsors of this podcast, and listen to that French lesson that you started, but you haven't had time to finish. Or you could call a friend. This is one of my favorite things to do when I'm driving, hands-free, and just talk to somebody while you're driving behind that Guardian Angel truck. You could start to see this as not lost time, but time that's been given back to you as an opportunity. You can even do this at the post office.

So let's go back to the in line at the post office. Instead of standing there getting frustrated and flustered, which only makes you feel like you're losing control, it only makes the time go by faster. What if you use this found time and you take a moment to text someone that you've been thinking about just to say hi? One goal of mine this year is to be more closely connected to my family. So I could use that time waiting in line as a sign from the universe that I just gained a moment to reach out to my nephews. They were in a water polo tournament all weekend long, and I want to congratulate them on their wins. How cool is that? Or have an audiobook or a podcast like this one cued up so that you got something that is your go-to in those moments. Because you can't control the time when you're going to be forced to slow down or to wait. But you can control what you do with your time while you're waiting. So make something important happen. That's what you can control. Even if what you make happen in those moments is just practice staying calm, or being in the moment, or practicing gratitude.

And the more that you do that, the more you'll realize how much time and energy you do have at your disposal to use in small and big ways. And you know what else you have in your control? Whether or not it bothers you when I take a quick pause to go to break and give a little air time to our sponsors who bring this podcast to you at zero cost. So don't you go anywhere. I know you want to know these three other things that you can't control. And trust me, the next one is a real doosy. Stay with me. Hey, it's your friend Mel, and I've been thinking it's time that you and I take our relationship to the next level. This may be a little bit forward of me, but I've got a gift that I want to give you. I've been working on this for a little while. It's a brand new, free two-part video training that I created for you using principles of physics and neuroscience and all kinds of research to help you go from thinking about what you want to actually making it happen. See, I want you to not only be inspired here on social media, I want you and I to take it to the next and get off social media.

And let me coach you and teach you on how you, yes, you, can make the next six months of your life the best six months of your life. It's not going to happen by accident. It'll happen on purpose. Homey wants you to do it, too. There he is. Hi. You You got a gift for them, too? Oh, my gift is better because it's a free training that will help you change your life. All you got to do is go into the comments and type free, F-R-E-E. I'll DM you a link to the training. That's how easy you can make this training happen. Last time I did this last year, more than half a million people accepted this free gift. I hope this year you'll take our relationship to the next level and let me coach you on making the next six months of your life extraordinary. Let's make it happen together. Welcome back. It's your friend Mel, and we're talking about five surprising things that waste a lot of your time and energy and how to take your control back. And so I now want to talk about the third thing that you cannot control, that is taking up a lot of your mental and emotional energy.

You cannot control the headlines, but you can control your headspace. Mel, what are you talking about? Well, let me tell you. There's a big difference between being informed about what's going on and getting inundated with things that are beyond your control that stress you out and freak you out. I'll tell you something. I used to be really stupid when it came to social media because I was passive. I'm going to explain what that means. Whatever it was that social media or the mass media platform was serving I was just taking it in. Oh, yeah, just serve it up to me. Whatever headlines were on the news, that was what was filling my head space. Whatever was dropping into my social media feeds, that was what I was focused on. I'm here to tell you something. Enough with that. It's time to take control. You have to get proactive. Do not be passive about social media. You are handing your attention, which is one of your most precious commodities, away for free as if it's nothing. This is how you waste so much time and cause yourself so much stress. If you don't take control of this, your Instagram feed is going to start looking like the Home Shopping Network.

You know what I'm talking about? Tiktok will become nothing but celebrity news and influencers. If you find yourself mindlessly watching 34 hours of television, which, based on a recent study, is the average amount of time that Americans watch TV per week. And I think I just heard all of you listening in the other 193 countries where this show is syndicated go, Americans. Well, you also spend time mindlessly watching TV, and your attention is the single most important commodity that you have. I want to inspire you to get super proactive about where you direct it, regardless of how much time you're spending watching TV or wasting it on social media. I mean, those 34 hours could be directed at something that's important, something that matters, something that's going to make your life better, and something that you want to make happen, instead of just mindlessly, passively giving it away, that's time you could use to get your masters. You could use that to launch a side business. You could use that to get serious about healing past trauma or learning how to be happier. Heck, just get to the gym, learn how to cook. Let me ask you something.

What's something that you would love to make happen in your life? Are you being proactive about your time and your attention? I mean, just imagine what would happen if you got super proactive about using social media to help you get what you want. This goes so far beyond common sense. In fact, researchers have found that people who use social media passively to browse content from other people are more likely to experience anxiety, depression, and stress. This is from a new study out of the UK that was published in the Journal of behavior and Information Technology, and the same A study found that if you're proactive about social media, meaning you create and share your own content without engaging passively on content with others and doomscrolling all the time, it has a positive impact, especially on your stress levels. It is so easy to make social media or the news outlets the villain in your life. But that just gives social media and the news all the power. You keep the power because you're in control of how you use these things, and I want you to start using them for good. By getting proactive and figuring out how you can take control of this, it will support you in making important things happen in your own life because it can.

So how do you do that? I remember about nine years ago, when I was first really getting into the media business, I started following Gary Vaneerchuk, and I'll tell you what, his content was so different than anyone else's because something came alive inside of me, and it became the content that I started engaging with. And it inspired me to start being more proactive about posting more content instead of just sitting there wasting time feeling jealous and just getting stressed out and procrastinating on social media. And so you can choose who you follow. Because remember, you can't control the headlines, but you can control your headspace. And you do that by getting very proactive about who has access to you and who doesn't. And I know you want to do that because you made the choice to listen to this podcast, a podcast that can help you create a better life. So do that with your social media accounts. Unfired Follow accounts that make you feel bad, and start following people and accounts proactively that make you feel great about yourself, that inspire you to get proactive and start taking action in your own life. And by the way, whoever you think is spending way too much time on social media or follows a ton of influencers or celebrities or accounts that make them feel bad or you're worried about them, send them this episode, because if they won't listen to you or they don't really think about it this way, maybe listening to this conversation will inspire them to take their attention and time seriously.

It'll help them not only think differently, but act differently in this area of your life. And if you're listening to this right now because your friend or your mom or your dad or somebody that loves you sent you this episode, I want to tell you something. You are capable of creating amazing things in your life. Take your time seriously. Guard your attention like a Hawk, and get proactive. Stop being so damn passive with social media. Get proactive. You're learning about the five things that you can't control that waste your time and energy, and this is a huge one that does. And when you start directing your time and energy to the things that you can control, like how you're using social media, who gets your attention, how you engage with it. Holy cow. Your stress is going to lower, you're going to get more time back. Your life is going to change. And we're just into the first three. We're going to take a quick break to hear a word from our sponsors. I'm going to get proactive about this. And while you're listening, take a minute and share this episode to the person who needs to hear it.

And when we come back, I'm going to be waiting for you after a break. We've got two more things that we're going to cover. And these are the most important, in my opinion, because these are the two most profound, surprising places where you're wasting time and energy and where I want you to learn how to take control. Stay with me. Oh, my God. It's springing Vermont. I'm ready to make something happen. Aren't you? Awesome. Let's spring into action because action is the answer. You don't need motivation. You need to know how to make it happen. My free training this year is about execution. I want to teach you the science, the physics, the neuroscience, all the strategies you need to move from thinking about what you need to do to springing into action and making cool stuff happen. It's free. More than half a million people have registered. Do not miss out on this opportunity to let me not only inspire you, but teach you what you need to know so that this is the year that you finally execute on everything that you've been thinking about that you deserve to make happen in your life.

All right? Malrobins. Com/makithappen. Baby, boom. Let's do this together. I can't wait for you to see the trainings and to experience the workbook and to see yourself actually doing the things you want to do. Welcome Back, you and I are talking about the five things that are stealing time and energy from you and how to take control and get your power back so that you can focus your time and energy on what really matters. We're on number four, and here is the fourth thing that you cannot control. You can't control the past, but you can control what you do in the present moment to help you move past it. No amount of regret is going to change the past. So all the time that you spend looking back and beating yourself up, it's just creating unnecessary emotional and mental distress. Yeah, you should look back and learn the lessons that you need to learn. But when it comes to the things that you truly regret, or in my case, cringe, when you think about from your past, the best apology to other people and the most powerful form of forgiveness for yourself is a change in behavior now.

When you change, you have proven that you've learned the lesson and you've moved on and you've become a better you. Here's how you can do that. Make a decision today to start living your life in a way that makes you feel proud of yourself, because it'll prove that you're no longer that person that you were in the past. Every single moment that you're looking backwards is wasted, and it keeps you from moving forward. The only way to move on from the things that you regret is to move forward. That's how I did it. There are entire decades that I regret about my life. If you listen to the episode about the lessons from my 20s, you heard about a lot of those regrets. But I'm really proud of who I've become and what I'm doing in my present life. That's why I don't waste any time and energy looking backward at the past. And you can do the same thing. You can use the present moment to free yourself from the regrets you have in the past. Sitting there and thinking about what you did wrong or what you wish you had or hadn't done, It doesn't do anything but make you feel bad.

You can't control the past, but you can control what you do in the present moment to help you move past it. And here's how you're going to do that. First, would you give yourself more credit? Because you're not the same person that you were in the past. I mean, look at you. Heck, look at me for crying out loud. I'm no longer that anxiety-ridden, toxic person that I was in college. Back then, I had no idea what trauma was, that I was affected by it, that I had experienced it. I had no idea that I had ADHD or anxiety. I'd never been to therapy. I didn't even know how much I was actually suffering. I just thought I was completely screwed up. I'm not that person anymore. And you're not the person you used to be either. So stop looking backwards. Look in the mirror. Look at the person you are today. And please give yourself more credit. And the second thing I want you to do is ask yourself this: Starting today, what changes do you need to make that would make you really proud of yourself? Maybe you need to get up earlier.

Maybe today is the day you quit vaping. Or maybe it's bringing a more positive and optimistic mood to your family or to your roommates or to your colleagues at work. You can control what you do in the present moment and who you become, and that's what helps you move past the things that you regret. Changing today proves that you're no longer the person that you used to be. And so starting today, I want you to make the most of your life moving forward. That's how you make big things happen. That's how you create a better your future. And the final thing is that you can't control, but it costs you a lot of time and energy: the future. You can't control the future, but you will create it by what you do in the present. The future hasn't happened yet, so you might as well stop worrying about what's going to happen right now. Stop worrying and stressing and being anxious about your future. It is a complete waste of your time. You need to be worried about what you're doing today. Besides, I can tell you what's going to happen in the future. I can tell you who you're going to be in six months from today, based on your habits, your friend group, and the social media that you consume right now.

That's how important the present is. See, what you're doing today has a bigger impact on the next six months than any amount of worry or anxiety could ever have. So if you're sitting there worried about your parents dying, like so many of you are, have you called them today? If Have you sitting there worried about what you're going to look like on your summer vacation, have you exercised today? You're worried about retiring? Have you even done a budget? Instead of watching other people's YouTube channels, today could be the day you start yours and you make it happen. Instead of wishing the weight would magically fall off by your vacation, today could be the day you make a plan and make it happen. Instead of hoping that you'll get a promotion in the future, today could be the day that you schedule a meeting with your supervisor or about what you need to do in order to make that happen in the next six months. See, the next six months are coming, whether you do something different or not. And I'm here to tell you, you don't need to worry about your future, because your day-to-day life already predicts what it's going to look like.

So Unless you start doing something different today, we already know what's going to happen. So stop worrying, stop feeling anxious, and let's get proactive. Let's define what you want, and then let's make it happen. Let's get started today. So I saw this article that you wrote where you said that... I want to get the quote correct. You said that real self-care is not about a bubble bath. Can you unpack that for us and talk about how the act of self-care has now become a new form of us shaming ourselves?

So this came to me from my patients, really. The patient, that every patient, really, that comes in and says, Dr. Lachman, I'm stressed out, I'm burned out, I'm not eating I'm not sleeping well, and I feel like it's my fault because I have the meditation app. I have the yoga membership. I know I'm supposed to be doing these things, but I can't do it. And I say to my patients, Look, this isn't your fault. This isn't about willpower. This isn't about being lazy. It's actually much bigger than that. We live in a country that still doesn't have federally mandated paid parental leave. Half of American workers can't take a paid sick day. Today, half of American people are living in what's called childcare deserts. The most recent statistic on childcare costs found that for Americans with two kids, they are paying 10 % of their income for childcare. So I mentioned all of these numbers not to be like, doom and gloom, but more to say, wellness has given us methods and tools, but it has not given us principles or perspective. So a juice cleanse is not going to fix all of those problems.

I love that. You used two words, principles and perspectives. What is the deeper perspective about what self-care is versus what the wellness industry is marketing to us? Because it almost feels like when you mention juice cleanse, and I know when I go online, you are bombarded with people's skincare routines and the bubble baths and the things that they're doing at night take care of themselves. It's almost as if the wellness industry or the skincare industry has hijacked the word self-care. But when you think about it from the lens of a psychiatrist, what does self-care mean to you?

It's actually really interesting. When I was working on the book, I did a little research on the roots of the word self-care. It's funny because there's two parallel lineages that came out in the 1950s, 1960s. One was a social justice movement, Audre Lord, self-care is self-preservation, but the other actually is psychiatry. In the '50s and '60s, psychiatrists were using the word self-care to describe the choices that patients who are unlocked psychiatric units could make. So what do I want to wear today? What am I going to eat for lunch? What exercise am I going to do? So it's, again, coming back to agency, even in the context of having so many of your choices made for you, you can still find small ways. So obviously, now in 2024, self-care, the term has gone wildly off the rails. But let me give you an example for folks listening to get a picture because I know this sounds a little bit heady. Imagine that you are going to a yoga class, and you go to this yoga class, and you spend most of the time on the mat feeling guilty because, oh, maybe you're a mom. You should have maybe spent this hour helping your kid with his homework.

You need to make cupcakes for school. So you're there in the yoga class, but your mind is feeling all this guilt and this mental load. On top of that, you're looking at the person next to you who can hold a headstand and you can't even do crow pose. So you're comparing yourself. You're beating yourself up. You also don't really know why you're even at yoga. You're there because Mel told you to go to yoga, but you haven't really internalized, what does yoga do for you? And so essentially, you've given away your power. So that's one person. But then imagine a completely different scenario where you have a hard conversation with your partner and you say, Hey, look, I think both of us do a lot better when we each have a little bit of alone time over the weekend. So I'm going to go to yoga on Saturday, and you can go for your run on Sunday because we both know we're better parents, we're better partners when we have that time. You set boundaries. You are on the mat, and you're not beating yourself up. You are actually connected to yourself in a nice way.

And then you've actually named for yourself, What is it about yoga? Why does yoga help me? Maybe for you, it's the physicality. You feel strong, you're in your body. Maybe for somebody else, it's actually community. You like being in that room with other people who have the same passion as you. So it's You have to name your own value. And through that, you have actually reclaimed your agency from the society, which is telling us, No, no, no, don't rest. Don't do anything for yourself. Instead, just keep producing. Just do more, be more. So the whole thesis here is that real self-care is actually, it's not about the thing. It's about all of the work you do inside before you do the thing. So your yoga class is only as powerful as the boundaries that you've set beforehand.

There is so much to unpack. I want to take a gigantic highlighter, and I want to make sure as you're listening that you heard what Dr. Puja just said. She said it's not about the thing. It's about the reason why you are doing the thing in the first place. And If I get back to two of the words that you said earlier, principles and perspective, that's how you access it. I'm also in that example, which I found crazy relatable. I was thinking, How are you in my head while I'm doing yoga? Because you're right, I race there, I get on that mat, I maybe settle in for five seconds after looking around and checking out, Okay, how am I going to size up here? Then it starts. If there's no music, I'm complaining about that in my mind. Then I'm almost immediately thinking about what I'm going to do after the class. The other thing that I think about in that example is I have probably I can afford more time and energy into the mat and the towel and the bottle of water and the outfit that I'm wearing than I am about the reason why I do it.

When you go deeper and you tap into the deeper principle of what this is for and why you do it, that's how you access the power of it. Then you also gave that example with your partner, where you say, The reason I do this is not because I'm supposed to, because they see all these other people doing it, and because I'm this or that or the other thing, but because I know the deeper principle. I'm a better person. I'm better for you when I do this. Wow.

Yeah. I'm going to give you something else, too, that encompasses this. So real self-care is not a thing to do. It's a way to be. It's a verb. It's not a noun. It's something that you thread through all the decisions that you make in life, whether it's how you show up to yoga or what job you choose or who you decide to partner with. It really is something that is in the fabric if you're doing it right.

How do you figure out how to be? I'm sitting here also thinking to myself, okay, I spend a lot of time talking to people, trying to distill their research and advice down to the takeaway and the thing to do. Okay, everybody, we're going to go for a walk. We're going to do this thing. We're going to blah, blah, blah, blah, blah and actually understand the way you want to be in life. Is that what you're saying? Yes, exactly.

I'm not saying that the things are bad. You know, yoga actually can be really helpful. Exercise is helpful. There's tons of studies. Sleep is important, all these things. But it's about how you show up to those things. If you're not taking the time to reflect and understand how the yoga or the meditation is important in your life and really getting a sense for what it does for you, then you're just checking it off the list. You're not actually taking in the medicine or the nourishment of those activities. And I want to say, for folks that are listening, I don't want you to feel ashamed because we all do this. We live in a society where you open Instagram or TikTok, and it's just right. It's all the the makeup and the yoga and all the things. And it's not we all do this. We're all in this together. And it's not about shaming yourself. You can't beat yourself into real self-care. And again, it's just that you have to understand that the internal work has to go along with it beforehand. Otherwise, it's just going to be empty calories. And if you're like me, yeah, you'll be really great.

You'll do it every day for two weeks. Weeks, and then life will get busy, and then you'll fall off.

I think I just had a whole light bulb moment. So let's go to the example where you said you're online. It happens to all of us. You see a fitness influencer that looks fantastic, and they're doing yoga on a mat, beach, and you think to yourself, I really need to be doing that. I need to be taking better care of that. That right there that I should, I need to, the adding of the thing to the to-do list, that's when it becomes almost like a form of shame. You're making yourself wrong in that moment because you're not doing the thing that you think you should be doing. I think that is such a common experience to see a cleanse to see somebody doing yoga, to see somebody hiking or doing whatever, and to then go, I should be doing that, and the fact that I haven't made time for that means that I am doing something wrong. Is there something you could in that moment that truly is self-care, that being part that you're going to teach us today?

Yeah. I mean, that's the boundary, right? That's where boundaries come in.

What is a boundary?

I think that... I'm glad that you asked that question, Mel, because I do think we see boundaries everywhere. You open any app and everybody is talking about boundaries, so it can be a little bit eye roll. My take on boundaries is different, and we're going to get it into that. But essentially, the boundary doesn't always mean saying no. So this was an aha that I had where I came to an understanding. This was in, I think it was 2016. I just graduated my psychiatry residency at GW, George Washington University in DC. And I got my dream job on the faculty, and I was going to be helping to run the women's mental health clinic, and bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. And my advisor, my mentor, she took me out for lunch on my first day. And she was like, I'm going to give you a piece of advice, And I was like, Oh, maybe it's about how to dose SSRIs or some secret. And she was like, her advice was, You don't need to answer your office phone. You can let it go to voicemail, listen to what they want, decide, and then respond. And that's what I was like, Oh, the boundary is the pause.

And then you always have three options: yes, no, or negotiate. Because the truth is that no always comes with a cost, whether that is is emotional or financial or political or interpersonal. No is not accessible for everybody. But the pause, you can always do the pause. So for me, in that example, it was like, okay, sometimes the phone rings and it's the front desk. And they just have some insurance paperwork that need me to sign, and I can call them back and I can say, Oh, I'll do it at the end of the day. But sometimes it's a patient who I know if she misses a day of her Adderall, her ADHD medicine, she will literally get a car accident. Let me put in that refill right away. You pause and you reflect. It's about responding as opposed to reacting. That's what a boundary means for me. It is that pause, it's to be a little woo- woo about it. It's like the existential space in between.

Why do we need a pause? How does that connect to the fact that we don't take good care of ourselves?

In order to to actually be able to take care of yourself, you need to really acknowledge that you are a self that needs taken care of, that you are actually an embodied person that has your own wants and needs and preferences and desires. And that is something that actually is a little bit radical, shockingly, in our society. And the first step to it, again, is the boundary, because that's the pause, that's the space in between. And when When we're talking about real self-care, there's four principles: boundaries, compassion, values, and power. The boundaries are the backbone. It's actually what you put in between, and it demarcates your own space. So that's why they're so important. If there were one psychological skill for folks to learn when it comes to doing life, it's boundaries.

I understand in your practice, there are five questions that you use as almost like an assessment you write about it in your book that give you almost a temperature check on where somebody is on this scale of boundaries and power and values. Can you walk us through those five questions?

Yes. Do I feel motivated to tackle my tasks, or am I overwhelmed, or am I apathetic? Are there any particular people or situations that are constantly draining me? Do I set aside regular time for rest, or am I always pushing through and gritting my teeth? Do I ever ask for help? When people offer help, am I able to actually receive it? Am I making time for things that truly matter to me, not to my kids, not to my partner, not to society, but to me, or am I constantly caught up in things that don't serve me?

I think I just heard the person who's with us right now slump a little. There were a couple of those, especially the one, do I set aside time for rest? Or am I always pushing through? That really was like ding, ding, ding, ding, ding When someone is answering these questions as a, No, I don't feel like I can tackle my tasks, or I'm really drained by situations, or I never rest, or I don't allow people to help me, and I definitely don't make time for things that truly matter to me, not to everyone else. Frankly, I don't even know what matters to me. I'm so busy taking care of everyone else. What does that tell you when you walk somebody through these questions The reality is that's all of us.

That is all of us. That is all my patients. That is me at various times in my life. I think that we need to understand, again, going back to the fact that we're living in this society together, we are all under these pressures. So of course, you're going to feel this way. And when I see this come up in my practice, again, this is everybody, naming it. Naming it is so powerful because then we can actually say, Okay, what do we do? How do we work on this? I imagine that most folks listening, they checked off yes for everything. I don't want anybody to panic. I don't want you to freak out. I think that we need to also reframe the conversation on burnout a little bit because I think that if you've checked all these things, you might be burnt out. But I think that we treat burnout as this dreaded, catastrophic thing. But when something is so dreaded, you engage in denial, you engage in avoidance. And then it takes landing yourself in the hospital or losing your job, getting into a car accident to finally They say, Oh, yeah, I guess I am burnt out.

So in reality, I think that we need to understand we're all going to burn out. We all burn out. That's just part of the game right now because of the world that we live in. And the whole process of boundaries and real self-care is to recognize it sooner, to recognize it when it's a little bee burn out as opposed to a big bee burn out, so that you can start to get back on the wagon, start to get back into your boundaries, So you're not reaching that place on the floor. I'm saying this because I want folks to understand that there are solutions. This is not incurable. And I walk patients through this all the time. And I will say, if you're somebody who's type A or perfectionistic or workaholic, not that I know anybody like that, you will probably go through this cycle more often, because because you are constantly moving forward. So I will say for myself, I go through this every six months where I have to reconfigure and think about my boundaries and relearn how to talk to myself. But there's a silver lining, it gets easier each time. It gets so much easier each time.

How do you define burnout?

I think it's a little bit chicken and egg when it comes to boundaries and burnout, because one of the characteristics of burnout is feeling like your actions have no meaning, almost like a cynicism. You're just going through the motions, but nothing that you do actually really matters or is going to impact anything. And when you don't have boundaries, you also feel like everything's closing in on you. You don't have a choice. You're not actually living your life. Your life is happening to you. So I think it's tough. I think that this This is one of the things. This is why therapy takes so long, because you have to tease apart all the different pieces, because certainly not having boundaries makes it more likely that you're going to become burnt out. But when you are burnt out, and even little be burn out, your boundaries are usually worse. So it's this cycle that keeps going.

How do I use this energy exchange and my intuition to spot the things that are draining me dry and to let them push them off the branches, get them out of my life, thank them for their purpose and their service, but then get out of here because you need to make room for something new and better and energizing. Doesn't that sound good? Yeah, you better believe it sounds good. So let's do it. And one of the reasons why I want you to really focus on energy is because your energy doesn't lie. Just for a second with me, just take a second. Whether you're out there you're walking the dog, or you're driving around in your car, or you're working from home, or you're busy doing a bunch of stuff, I want you to just stop for a second. And I want you to assess right now. What's your energy level? Think about a fuel gage in a car. Empty to full. Empty in a human being means you feel depleted, you feel burnt out, you feel checked out, you feel like your whole life is basically pouring energy into everything else. Full in a human being basically means that you're energized, you're excited, you feel like the things that you're pouring yourself into, your habits, your routine, the people you're surrounded with, the projects you're working on.

It may be difficult, but it's bringing energy back into your life, too. Your energy never lies. We are energetic human beings, and I know that sounds woo- woo. We can get into the neuroscience on that on a totally different episode, but let me prove it to you. Have you ever walked into, say, a coffee shop, and the person that is behind the counter is having the world's worst day. They are super grumpy comfy. It doesn't matter how big your smile is. It doesn't matter how nice you are. They are like,. That energy actually impacts you, just like your positive energy can impact somebody else. Energy is contagious. And most importantly, when you hang out with your friend Mel Robbins, I'm going to teach you to start to pay attention to it, and I'm going to teach you to trust it, because energy is also tied to intuition. We're going to get into this tool of how do you assess, is something giving me positive energy? Is something giving me negative energy? Is this a relationship that is one way? Or is this something that gives me something in return? That is the tool we're going to talk about today.

What if the very next morning, you walk into the coffee shop and you're having a bad day? Like one of your pets is really sick and it just is really bumming you out and you're feeling really low. And the person behind the counter is just the nicest person on the planet. And they look you in the eyes and they give you a big smile and they are really cheery, and they compliment you. And they maybe even ask you, Hey, how are you doing? You're like, I'm not doing so great. Oh, I'm really sorry. Coffee's on me. How do you feel? You feel better because they poured their positive energy into you, and that lifted you up. Energy is contagious. It also always tells the truth. It's like a compass. In fact, a compass runs on magnetic energy. That's why a compass always points true north. It never lies. Your energy doesn't lie either. It's why you feel off around certain people. It's why if somebody texts you and you don't like them, you're like, egh. But if you like the person, you're like, oh, yeah, cool. Energy never lies. So let's talk about how we're going to use it, okay?

So I'm going to break the topic of letting go into two different types of situations. In each one, I'm going to explain how to use energy and paying attention to the energy inside you, both that you're giving, that you're feeling, and that you're receiving back, in order to know when it's to let go. So situation number one is super easy. And this is typically when it has to do with things or projects or a job or somebody who's like, Really, really engaging in toxic behavior. This is the easy stuff. This is when you have a flood of negativity around something. And I'm going to give you a bunch of examples of this. So So we all have a pair of pants that we're holding onto from high school or before we were pregnant or whenever that we can't freaking fit into. When you stare at those things, you're reminded that you can't fit in them. When you try to wiggle them on, especially after a shower, you feel terrible about yourself. That is something that is an example. You need to let go of that. That job that you walk into where there is a pit in your stomach and you gripe about it to your and you spend all this energy pouring into why you hate it and resist it.

You need to find another job. That friend that does nothing but gossip and roll their eyes and drag you down and literally is such a bad influence on you? You need to let them go. And what does that mean? Well, that depends on you. Donate the pants for sure. Start redirecting your energy from complaining about your job to directing energy to looking for a new one. I mean, just imagine. That's the other thing about this. Do you know how much energy and time and effort you waste, focusing on resistance and complaining? If you were to just stop complaining for a day about something that gives you negative energy, like your job, or your parents, or your boyfriend, or your girlfriend, or your roommates. What if you stopped complaining? Because that's negative energy pouring out, and you directed that same effort effort towards something positive, like fixing it or letting it go and creating something new that makes you feel good. I relate to that because I think I've spent a lot of my life pouring negative energy at things that I didn't really like, instead of realizing, I needed to complete this. I needed to let this go.

The roommate served a purpose two years ago. Not a fit right now, and that's okay. Time to kick the leaves off the branches. You know what I'm saying? Time to save myself instead of pouring everything into either another person or my energy into being upset and frustrated and disappointed. So when you have things that are for sure 100% zapping your energy, or you find yourself complaining, griping, resisting, let go. And you can do that in two ways. Obviously, donate, throw out, delete is one. The other one is take all that negative resistance that you feel in you that churns and pour it into something positive. If you can't quit your job, for example, because you need to pay the bills, no problem. Instead of complaining, instead of feeling resistant, spend 30 minutes every morning before you go to work looking for a new one. Or spend 30 minutes every morning pouring positive energy into a hobby or a project or a hustle that brings you positive energy. And when you start to do that, you start to lift yourself up because you are now getting this reciprocal exchange by pouring energy and attention into something new and something positive.

And that's going to lift you up. And by the way, that will also change your experience of that current job that you hate. I know this because I've done it. I remember being right out of, let's see, how old was I? I was 30 years I was pregnant with our daughter, who's now 23. We had moved to Boston from New York City, where I had been a public defender, and I love that job working for legal aid. We moved to Boston. I do not have a license to practice in Massachusetts, so I could not work for the public defender's office. I have to take the bar, but I've got bills to pay, so I get a job in this huge law firm. Working in a law firm is the exact opposite of being a public defender. When I worked in New York City for legal aid, I was in court five days a week from 8:00 in the morning till 5:00 in the afternoon. That was my job. I was on my feet. I was negotiating plea deals. I was talking to witnesses and police officers and judges and going to clients, going to Rikers, all of it.

When you get a job in a large law firm, you literally go into a high rise and sit in an office and write all day. It was the exact opposite of what I am wired to do. I knew the moment I got that job that I was going to hate it. And for a year, I would get on the commuter rail, and I would commute in for 45 minutes, and then I would get off the commuter rail, and I would clomp, clomp, clomp, clomp, over to the building, and then I would get in the elevator, and then I would take the elevator up to whatever the 23rd floor, and then I'd clomp, clomp, clomp, clomp. I'd go into my office and shut the door. And from the moment I woke up every morning, I felt depleted. The closer wherever I got to that office as that train, clunk, clunk, clunk, clunk, down the tracks towards Boston, the more resistance I felt. I got nothing in return from that job. Yes, I got a paycheck, and I needed it, so it served a purpose But I was getting nothing of value back. Because when I looked at the partners in the law firm, I knew damn well that's not the life I wanted.

I knew that this was not a fit for me. But I'll tell you, I made the mistake That's what everybody makes. Instead of recognizing that that's how I felt, instead of channeling all of that angst and resistance and into looking for something else, I sat there miserable, and I felt depleted, and I felt awful. I'm going to confess this to you. I didn't even take the advice then. You know what happened to me? I got pregnant, and I had a baby, and I went on maternity leave. When I was on maternity leave, That's when, with distance from it, I was like, Okay, there is no way I'm going back there. No way. Now that I have escaped, there is no way I'm going back. We've all had exes like that, right? Where you're in it for so long, you finally let it go and break off, and they're like, What the hell was I thinking now that I'm on the other side and I'm away from that energy suck? I don't want to go back to the energy sucker vampire thing. What the hell? But when you're in it, that negativity vortex can keep you spinning and stuck.

You convince yourself, But I need the money, but I can't do this, but I don't have it. And then you're so depleted from your complaining and the outpouring of energy and the wrong thing that you're just stuck, stuck. That was me. So I get pregnant, I go on maternity leave. Holy cow, I am free from the vortex of negativity. I've been let go, but now I got to go back. My husband Chris says to me, Look, I know you don't want to go back, but here's the problem, Mel. We have a mortgage and we have a baby, and you will go It's crazy being home. Here's the thing. You need to find a job. Your maternity leave ends in exactly three months. That means you have 12 weeks to find a job, and you have to make $60,000 a year. That's it. You know what's interesting? If you give a human being a problem to solve, we get pretty creative. I'll tell you what, the night before my maternity leave, I not only landed a job, it wasn't for 60 grand, it was for 55, but that was enough. And I walked in the next day and I let go.

What do you say? I guess I quit, but they didn't let me go. I quit. But so what I'm trying to say is, do not make the mistake that 30-year-old Mel Robbins made. Do not do that to yourself. Do not waste a year of your life spinning in that negativity energy vortex. Your body knows. Your spirit knows. Get rid of those pants. Push that project to the side that you don't feel inspired to work on anymore. Let it go because it is sucking your vitality dry. And I want to just remind you that we're talking about reciprocal energy exchange. That's why these situations of the pants that don't fit and the friend that's engaging in toxic behavior or the job that sucks your soul dry. There is nothing that you're getting in return. Nothing. In fact, what you're getting in return is more negativity. Those jeans in your closet make you feel bad about yourself. It's bringing you negative energy. That job that you're complaining about, that you go to day to day convincing yourself you can't leave, you can't find something la da da da da da da da da da. It's bringing negative energy into your life.

And so these situations are super easy to spot because there's no reciprocal value to the relationship or the pants or the project, period. Now what I want to talk about is the more complicated situations. Those situations where it's not clear, where you feel guilty, where maybe you're taking care of an agent parent or a child that's struggling with mental health stuff, and it is depleting as hell. Or maybe you are really struggling with friendship or in relationships because you have old patterns of behavior that you don't realize or interfering with this free-flowing, reciprocal give-and-take that really brings amazing things into your life. I'm Mel Robbins. We're talking about people-pleasing, and I'm really excited because we have a great question from a listener named Courtney.

Hi, Mel. This is Courtney from Louisiana. I have a question for you. I have learned through therapy that one of my issues with self-love stemmed from trauma growing up. Through therapy, I've learned to release a lot of that trauma and discovered more self-love, which in turn has made me a different person. I've learned to create boundaries. My question is that I find family members are close friends that have been with me for most of my life. A lot of them don't like the new me with self-love. I think they see the new boundaries sometimes as rejection, as a wall. I've heard family members say, when I say, That won't work for me, or things of that nature, that it's rude, unkind, unflexible, difficult. But I'm just wondering if other people have discovered that a lot of times, once you enter a world of more self love and more authenticity if you feel a sense of rejection from others.

Courtney, I absolutely love this question, and in particular, I want to focus in on the word rejection. When you start putting yourself first, do you feel rejection from others? The answer is yes. I want to now talk a little bit about why and explain a really interesting connection between your brain and the way that your brain processes stress or discomfort, and this tendency that we have to please other people instead of making the right decision for ourselves. You know how you're in that moment Let's just use the example of me and this pool table. For years, I knew that I wanted to disassemble the pool table. I would walk past the room, and there it is, like a New York City bus sitting in the middle of a room in a small farmhouse. I would feel this tension in my body because I knew what I wanted, which was Could I disassemble this and not disappoint my dad? Could I disassemble this and not be the world's worst daughter? How could I do that? That tension between what I wanted, which was to have that room back, and this pain that I knew it might cause my dad, it created this really awful discomfort inside of me.

Even the idea of making the phone call, I thought about making that phone call to my father for years. And And you want to know what kept me from not making that phone call? The discomfort that I felt in my body. People-pleasing is not about other people. People-pleasing is your inability to tolerate that discomfort. So many of us resort to keeping the peace or staying quiet or not picking up the phone because we're terrified of creating more discomfort in our bodies. And that is what the heart of people-pleasing is, that you just don't like to feel the tension of what if they're upset? What if this? What if that? And this This goes all the way back to childhood. There's a lot of research around this. In fact, based on research, this discomfort that you feel when you know that what you want is at odds with how somebody else is going to feel, the discomfort is normal. You're actually wired this way, and this has to do with the fact that we, as human beings, are designed to be in groups. We are designed to bond with other people. When what you want, putting yourself first, is at It's at odds with how somebody else is going to feel.

It's at odds with your own wiring. This is according to research from Dr. Juan Dominguez of Montage University in Melbourne, Australia. Dr. Dominguez IS, says we avoid confrontation because of this uncomfortable sensation, and neurologically, it triggers you to try to just make the uncomfortable situation go away. Brain scans actually show that your prefrontal cortex, which mediates decision making, and the anterior insula, which is involved in the experience of your emotions and body sensations, it shows way more activity than other regions in the brain when you're in a situation where what you want is in confrontation with somebody else. What you're experiencing and what I'm experiencing every single moment when I walk past that room, I I see the pool table. I know I'm like, God, I would love to just disassemble that, but I can't do that to my dad. He's such an awesome dude. It is such an amazing gift. What a selfish piece of shit am I to even think that thought? When you feel that wave of distress, that's cognitive dissidence. That's what's happening with you. That there are two beliefs that are at odds, and that uncomfortable feeling is what makes you cave.

It's what turns you into a people pleaser. And that's why this is so hard. And ultimately, this is like a huge wake-up call, I hope. People pleasing is not about other people. It's about you and your inability to tolerate confrontation or discomfort in your own mind and body. And I struggle with this. That's why self-awareness is key. And so I want to come back to the word that you used, rejection. Rejection. That when you start to change, what's going to happen is all that That discomfort that you suppressed by keeping the peace, or falling in line, or saying what you think other people want to hear, or just doing what everybody else wants to do. When you start putting yourself first, that discomfort that you were suppressing now appears in the world. See, people-pleasing works. That's why we do it. So I want you to expect it, everybody. And again, I talked about this in the pool table story. Just give people space to be disappointed. Just give people space to feel what they need to feel. Because whenever you change and you start making decisions that either go against somebody's expectations. No, I'm not coming for Thanksgiving.

We're going to stay home with the kids. No. My parents just did that to me. I wanted them to come for the holidays. Really wanted them to spend Christmas with us this year. And When I invited them, they're like, Thank you very much. We'd love to be with you. And no, we make it a rule not to travel during the holidays. Have you seen the airports? They're crazy. Then, of course, there were these huge storms and all kinds of cancelations, and they called right before Christmas. Like, We're glad we didn't come. But I was disappointed. It doesn't change the fact that I love them. They're just putting themselves first. That's what that is. Because they're able to do that, that tension that they'd normally be managing their body, now it comes between us because we're at odds. But that's okay. That's what life is about. And you got to be able to work it out. And I want to tell you one other thing. You can use a little empathy. My parents were great when they called and said, We're not coming, because they knew I was disappointed. And they also said, We'd love to see you, and we just don't want to do it.

Having done this so many years, we're over it. We don't have to be together on Christmas. Why don't you come down? Which I am. I'm going down next week and spending a week with them and It'd be a lot easier to fly. And so they made room for my feelings, and they still did what made them feel good. That's the sign of a loving relationship, loving somebody, how they need and want to be loved. And so when you start to change, it's going to change the dynamic. And the main thing to keep in mind about putting yourself first is that when you start to make decisions that work for you, it makes other people think about the decisions that they're making. So if you start to say, No, I'm not going to meet you at the local diner for pancakes and sausage this morning like we have every year for 10 years because I'm actually eating super healthy, and they don't really have anything on the menu, and I'm going to be out going for a training run for this 5K I'm training on running. They're going to be like, What? What do you mean?

You want to know why? Because if they're used to you doing a certain thing, it is rejection. I wanted my parents to come for the holidays. And when they said, No, that's not going to work for us. You know what that was? That's rejection because it didn't meet my expectation. But let's go back to the bottom line. I'm allowed to feel that way, and they're allowed to make decisions that they want to make. If we make space for each other, what comes through is the love. That's it. So give them room. Expect them to feel that way. You now understand the science. Hey, it's Mel. Thank you so much for being here. If you enjoyed that video, by God, please subscribe because I don't want you to miss a thing. Thank you so much for being here. We've got so much amazing stuff coming. Thank you so much for sending this stuff to your friends and your family. I love you. We create these videos for you, so make sure you subscribe.