Transcript of Dr. Tara: The Biggest Lies We’ve Been Told About Love, Sex, and Desire | Ep. 272 with Dr. Tara Suwinyattichaiporn

So Dr. Tara, about eight years ago, I bought this website, daterebots. Com, but I never did anything with it. Like AI plus robots and humanoids, how do you see dating and sex 5, 10, 15 years down the line with all this stuff becoming more humanlike.

Sex and dating when it comes to AI and robots and technology for the next 15 years, I think it's just going to be more and more integrated into people's lives. And whether or you support it or you're against it, it's going.

I wonder if people are going to think of that as an actual partner, like a human, right?

I'd really be independent on the person because even now, some humans use other humans as sex toys. We have a huge hookup culture, one-night stand, and some people don't even know how to engage in these things ethically and respectfully. But I think there will be a lot of people that develop strong emotional tie with their AI partner or sex robot partner. I think there will be people that are completely immersed and have robot partners, AI partners as their real-life partners.

Dr. Tara, about eight years ago, I bought this website, daterebots. Com, but I never did anything with it because I really foresaw after watching many movies and just trying to understand how people were thinking at that time that robotics might be a thing. And now with AI, AI plus robots and humanoids, how do you see dating and sex 10, 5, 10, 15 years down the line with all this stuff becoming more humanlike?

Well, first off, congratulations because you're probably going to make $10 million selling that domain. So congrats to you, and I want to be invited to your yacht party. Now, in terms of sex and dating, when it comes to AI and robots and technology for the next 15 years, I think it's just going to be more and more integrated into people's lives. And whether or not you support it or you're against it, it's going with or without you. And I think for me, I'm going with it because I'm not one of those people that are going to go, You know what? This is going to ruin lives and relationships. I I rather empower and educate people how to become a more critical consumer of things. Same thing with porn. When the internet was created and like, porn really powered the internet and the development of the internet. I always say the same thing, like porn isn't necessarily the problem. It's like how people consume it is a problem. It's the same thing with sex, sex robots in the future. It's like, is the robot the problem or are you the problem? Because you don't know how to moderate your usage.

So for me, I'm excited to get one. I'm definitely going to be one of the early adopters of having a relationship with a sex robot or an AI boyfriend. And given that my husband and I are in an ENM, so ethical non-monogamy, we can have multiple partners, and one of them will be a robot.

I wonder if people are going to think of that as like an actual partner, like a human, right? Are we going to think of it, Oh, it's like a sex toy? Or do you think people will have this emotional attachment because the AI, like they have right now, people are talking to ChatGPT as if it is another person. What do you think about that?

I really think it depends on the person because even now, some humans use other humans as sex toys, right? We have a huge hookup culture, one-night stand, and some people don't even know how to engage in these things ethically and respectfully. They use other people like sex toys. So these are the same people that will be engaging in these things in a way that is not that they're not going to be critically thinking about how to engage with it. But I think there will be a lot of people that develop strong emotional tie with their AI partner or sex robot partner because I should probably even remove the word sex because it's just going to be a robot partner. It's not just about sex. I think there will be people that are completely immersed and have robot partners, AI partners as their real-life partners. But then there's always going to be groups of people that just have it as a part of the fun and novelty and excitement to spice things up with their IRL relationships. And the world is moving towards that way anyways. It's just which one resonates with you more. Do you know which one resonates with you more?

I'm fascinated. I'm not even sure. It's so hard to think, and I'm curious about, you said social media and porn. There's a huge debate around OnlyFans and the access to porn for younger generations now or pretty much any generation. Is this a bad thing? Is this a good thing? Is it neither bad nor good? What is your thoughts on the impact of social media and porn, specifically maybe OnlyFans, when it comes to how maybe younger generations see sex and relationships?

I think we need to educate the younger generation, media, and porn literacy. When they have the knowledge of media literacy and porn literacy, then they're able to engage in it in a way that's useful for them. Whatever human experience or emotions they're going through, they can use these things as helpful tools rather than have these things become something that takes over their lives. Again, I am always in a position of people have the power and the choices that they can make. And if they choose to do these things, like getting addicted to certain things, they can always seek help to get out of it and then now become a more conscious users of these things, or you're addicted to it and you let it control your life, which is the reality for a lot of people. Are there negative effects of OnlyFans, porn, social media on young adults? Of course, they are. But at the same time, I think it's because these people don't have media literacy or porn literacy. They overdo it. And then, of course, all the negative effects comes with that.

I mean, they don't teach much of relevancy in school, I think. So maybe they need to teach this. You need You need to create this course that they can teach in every school. I'm sure people would go bananas. It probably has so much backlash. It might be hilarious. I'm curious on, you said that you're in a non-monogamous ethical relationship.

Is that How do I say it? Ethical non-monogamous, ENM.

Sorry, ethical. Okay, ethical non-monogamous. What does that mean? And how do you successfully do this without the obvious people getting jealous or having hatred for one another?

I often tell people ENM is an orientation. If you don't have that orientation, you can't really force yourself to become one, and you'll be so unhappy and insecure and just can't have a fulfilling relationship. But I believe I was born this way. When people say you're either gay or you're not, I am ENM, I'm not a monogamous person, and that's just who I am. And so finding a partner that has values that align to me, meaning believing that you can love multiple people, believing that your life can be thriving together with other people as well. So what ENM means depends on the couple. Enm can mean you are able to have sex or sexually play with other people based on the consent that your partner agree on with you. It can also be you can digitally chat with other people, but you can never see them in real life. It can also be, you can have sex with people, but you can't date them. It can also be you can date these people, you can bring them home. It can also be, we can all live together and raise kids together. There's so many different configurations.

It's really like having a menu at a restaurant and just build your own. It's like an a la carte. Just whatever is acceptable and agreed on by two people, then anything goes. But the misconception of it is when you say you're non-monogamous, people say, Oh, so you can just fuck whoever you want. That's not true. That is not true. First off, your partner has to agree to this and your partner has to consent, and consent to whatever that's being allowed in the relationship. So there's a lot of work when it comes to organizing and maintaining this type of relationship. But to me, it's much easier work because it's communication and being honest. For me, that's easy. For a lot of people, it's not. But communication and being honest and in return, I'm able to explore sexually with other people, I think it's a good ROI.

I think communication is the issue for almost most relationships, right? That just general communication communication or a lack thereof. So it sounds like if you can have the communication, you can be successful in multiple aspects of a relationship. So what do you think is the biggest lie that we've been told about love and sex, and how could this be ruining relationships?

The biggest lie that you've been told about sex is that you should be able to know how to do it naturally. That's the biggest lie. Because people have this argument. Whenever I'm at a dinner party. Even two weeks ago, I was at a dinner party. I sat next to this guy, and he's like, What do you do? I said, I'm a sexologist. He started asking me, What does that mean? Then he proceeded to tell me, I don't think I need help in that department. I don't think anyone does. It's just what you know how to do. You were born to do this. I'm like, I feel so bad for your wife right now that's sitting next to you because people with this type of mentality means they don't have a growth mindset. I'm all about growth mindset in every aspect of my life, including sex, sexuality, and skills. Because sex is not something that you can just do. Sex is a competence, just like communication competence, computer competence, other types of competence, like tennis competence, right? Sexual competence is such a thing. It's a construct that we study in sexology. And some people have low competence, some people are moderate, some people are high.

Now, the myth is everyone should just know how to do it really well. Everyone's a great lover because it was in us, right? It's not true. A lot of sex and being a good lover is nurture, not nature. And within nurture, there are various things that you can be doing to become a better lover today. For example, first is education. We know in research that the more educated you are on the topic, the less anxious you are about it, the more you can engage in pleasure, you have more capacity for pleasure. So education is one that can be reading books, listening to a podcast, reading articles, and just learn more about this topic. Another thing that I really like that I think a lot of people don't really seek out to do is watching instructional porn videos. Because a lot of times, sex isn't necessarily something that you can learn in theory because it's so practice-based, right? It's a practicum. So watching instructional porn of how to do certain things can become really helpful. For example, I know one of my clients was self-conscious about not knowing how to finger a woman. I sent him this instructional video, and he's like, Wow.

I got so much more confident knowing the little techniques. The next time he tried it on his girl, he was like, Wow, she said it changed completely. I thought, This is what everyone needs. It's like, just watch instructional porn.

Maybe it's an ego thing, right? I think for men, just listening to that guy, maybe he has this ego that it diminishes him as a man if he says he's not this. But that is fascinating. What advice would you have then maybe for men out there who might be thinking that What do they gain if they learn more, if they can be better? Especially if you're talking... A lot of our audience is probably '40s to '50s. Maybe they've been in relationships longer. So thinking if you've been in a relationship longer over time, I imagine things might change.

Oh, totally. I mean, the fabric of sex and sexuality and desire changes every year. So if you've been together one year versus versus three years versus five years, versus 10 years, it's always changing. And that is why it is so pivotal that you take the growth mindset perspective on sex and not just do the same thing from the day you met her. You know what I mean? If 10 years from now, my partner does the exact same move, I'm out. If you're not learning new things, trying new moves, trying new sexting methods, sending me new pics that's interesting, taking me on dates that are interesting and sexual and pleasure-filled, then it's so boring. And that's why boredom is the number one sex problem long-term relationships have. It's so boring. People say the number one problem is sexual desire, right? Sexual desire, aka sex drive, right? Especially women. After maybe 10 years in a relationship, they go, I I just don't have that much sex drive. I'm like, No, it's because the sex you're having is boring. Imagine, who's your celebrity crush? Someone might say Brad Pitt. Imagine Brad Pitt comes in here. He only looks at you, he talks to you, listens to you attentively, flirts with you, touches you in different ways, gives you lots of compliments and adoration.

He adores you. Would you be getting wet? The answer is yes. Because That's the thing. It's we want excitement, novelty, and knowing that the partner puts in the effort and takes the initiative. It's not about having a low sex drive. When the right context exists, any woman can have sex drive. For me, telling people that are in relationships that are in their 40s or 50s and in a relationship, it's like educating yourself on new things. In my book, I call them erotic solutions, because in eroticism, people don't know where to start. So here are the solutions. So you can adopt any of these erotic solutions, and they're all practical. So you can just start doing them in your life, like tonight.

Let's talk about your new book. And thank you for sharing that, by the way. I think a lot of people will resonate with that. And I know a lot of people that have told me things. I'm like, Wow, you know what? You need to Dr. Kara. Let's hear about the book. What is the name of the book? And also, what is maybe one or two takeaways I can expect reading this book?

Yes. So the name of the book is called How Do You It a guide for getting what you want in bed, and it's self-explanatory. It helps you learn what you like in bed, because a lot of times when you interview people and ask people, What do you like in bed? What are you like in bed? And what do you like in bed? They don't have the answer. So this book will help you understand. First, this book will help you understand yourself more. You will have the language to explain to people who you are sexually, your sexual concept. So I created a questionnaire called the Dr. Tara Sexual Profile, and it's like the Myers-Bricks personality test where you can get ENFJ, INTP, right? It's the same thing. So it's sex personality. So after you do the quiz and read the chapter, you'll know who you are, and you can use that as a starting point, almost like an icebreaker with your partner and start talking about what you like sexually. If you're a couple and you do this together, there's so much to talk about. The second thing that you'll learn is practical communication skills. You will learn many different ways to start talking in bed.

If you're a quiet lover or you only moan, you don't really know what to say, you will learn exactly what to say. I have a ton of examples. And whatever that fits your personality, too. So variations of examples. You'll learn how to talk better in bed. You'll learn how to talk better outside of bed. You'll also learn erotic solutions, so new non-traditional things to try in bed with your partner. So lots to take away.

So Dr. Tara, you told me recently about sexual meditation is a thing. I'm very curious because I like to meditate, but I feel like sexual meditation sounds way more inviting and better than doing regular meditation, which I get bored with.

So there's a lot of research on the positive benefits of sexual mindfulness practices like sexual meditation. Sexual meditation is like regular meditation, but it focuses on sexual thoughts, sexual feelings, and the sensations in the body, especially in the erogenous zones. Now, when you do sexual meditation, you can do it quietly and visualize the last time you had a really hot connected sex. You can massage different erogenous zones on your body while you meditate and take deep breaths, connect your mind with your body and the erogenous zone, so you can massage your nipples, you can massage pubic area. You could also do this with your partner as one of the activities that you do to sexually connect without penetration, which a lot of people enjoy because sometimes you just don't want to have penetrative sex. So that's a really, really great sexual activity that I always recommend to people because there's so much research about why it's helpful. There's research that shows it improves people's sexual desire, like sex drive. It helps with their sexual functioning. It reduces sexual pain. It's a great practice and it's free. But if you like listening, do you listen to guided meditation?

I listen to guided meditation if I want to calm down or sleep or focus or confidence. I also have just free guided sexual meditation on YouTube. If you search Love Bites, Dr. Tara, sexual meditation, it will come up. I have lots of different variations, some for solo, some for couples, for you guys to try.

You can listen to before you go to sleep and you have really great dreams.

Exactly. I imagine.

Better night's sleep. What about women as they get 40s and 50s? Because we've heard this before from friends and such that they blame it on hormones. I know you mentioned before about boredom, but is there anything that they could be doing? I know you've talked a lot about how masturbation is a good thing. I don't know if that also plays into it, but what do you think? Maybe are they forgetting around what makes them happy or pleasure? Or like you said, things are changing. Are they not communicating? What is it that might be causing it? And then what can they do also to get back to maybe how they felt before?

Wow. I mean, there are a lot of causes. This alone can be like a one hour episode. I'm just going to try to share this quickly in a short summary, but if you want to learn more, you can definitely get the book and learn more about sexual desire. But some of the causes can be... First is familiarity and boredom. If you're in a relationship for a long, long time and your partner and you both, it takes two to tango. If you and your partner don't really put in the effort to try anything new at all in the realm of sexuality and romance, then there won't be any desire. You can say it's because you're menopausal or perimenopausal, which, of course, the big factor is contributing to low sex drive as well, but also so does boredom and complacency. Second would be, like I said, hormones. Hormones are big factors in contributing to women not wanting to have sex. It could be that they're uncomfortable, they don't have any drive, they don't have the desire. It could be hurt, painful also. And then another aspect would be that they are not comfortable, confident, or happy with themselves because a lot of times self-esteem is connected to how much people desire sex.

So self-esteem can be one of them. And sometimes when your body changes, it affects your self-esteem. So that's just a few of different causes. Now, what can you do? I think there are different aspects that I'm going to share. So first is the self, the self aspect. So what can yourself, what can you do to maintain a healthy balance in your sex life? And I think daily masturbation or masturbating a couple of times a week is really healthy because it keeps your genital engaged, right? Because your clitoris gets a blood pool there when you masturbate, you get to orgasm, which means you get to experience serotonin, dopamine, oxytocin you orgasm. It also increases self-esteem when you are able to give yourself pleasure. I would say for the self, you can masturbate more regularly and take care of yourself that way. Now, for the partner, I would say the brain is the biggest sex organ. And just like men, women need to be mentally stimulated. So if life is so robotic and formulating, every day is the same. We come home after work, we sit down, eat dinner, watch TV, go to bed. There is no room for desire in there.

So I think it's important that couples actually sit down and go, You know what? We need to make changes. And it can be small changes, but it can be very powerful. For example, thinking more of how can you have more adoration and devotion in your relationship? But when was the last time you compliment your partner in a very sensual and sexual way? Or when was the last time you devoted yourself to her for something? I think when people have been together a long time, they forget that aspect that women need to be mentally turned on, to be physically turned on. Before you try to have sex with your partner, foreplay starts when you wake up. When you wake up, compliment her immediately. Then throughout the day, try different things. Another thing women love is gifts. It doesn't have to be huge gifts. It can be small gifts. It's about the thought. But women love getting gifts. Maybe getting her flowers, pick up a coffee or whatever it is, give her gifts. Then throughout the day, just be more playful, change the energy in the relationship, maybe text her something cute and funny, say that you miss her, you're thinking about her.

All these things can help women feel more mentally stimulated, and then physical stimulation can come when you start the physical part of the foreplay.

Sounds like this can help a lot of people be happier. If a lot of people are be happier, there'd be less anger in the world because the world is a very angry place. Maybe it's because they're having less sex or they're not having the sex they want, or like you said, there's a lot of issues with their self, and their self is not allowing other people. This is great. Going back to something, I'm just final thoughts here, our question. Going back to technology. A few years ago, it was all about metaverse and VR was a thing, and then it died down. But I always wondered around this type of thing when it comes to sexual pleasure, when it's just your mind, because you said your brain is your largest organ. Do you think it's... Is it possible-Largest sex organ.

Your largest organ is skin.

Sex organ, yes. Unless you don't have any skin, then I guess it would be your brain. That's true. Do you think it's possible in the future, can you have sex totally, virtually in your mind? Because I know Metta is coming out of New Glass. There's a lot of this stuff that could potentially just be right in front of your face, in your head, in your mind, you're seeing it. Do you think people will be able to... Will your body be able to have the same sensation or pleasure if it's physically being touched?

1,000 %. Because I had a big orgasm last time I got hypnotized. It's called orgasmic hypnosis. No one was touching me. So yeah, same principles apply. If it's VR and you're experiencing it in the mind and through visualization and through feeling it in your brain and body by yourself without being touched, you can totally have an orgasm on your own without needing another person to touch you.

Wow. That type of hypnosis skill could be very useful for a lot of people. That's interesting. I know. I just don't know how to do that.

Yeah, I went to this intensive workshop, and it was an amazing experience. At the end of the workshop, I was able to have an orgasm through hypnosis.

Is that similar to tantric? I'm not really sure totally how tantric is defined.

Yeah, I think it could sit within the world of tantra. Tantra and tantric sex. But again, hypnosis in itself is a discipline. It has been around for a long time, and people get hypnotized to quit a lot of bad habits. I know a friend who used to buy her nails, and now she doesn't anymore through hypnosis. It's not just about sex, but this particular course was orgasmic hypnosis, how to use hypnosis to have multiple orgasms.

How do people find out about these things? Is there a centralized place? I don't How did you Google search? Did you ask ChatGPT, Dr. Tar? Yeah, of course, Dr. Tar. I know you have great podcasts, you have shows, you do TV stuff. You have incredible content, and you've built an amazing online persona on, which I think is great when it comes to a topic that may consider taboo. I imagine the love and hate that you get from people is probably quite fascinating. How do you navigate that?

I delete negative comments. Yeah, I'm not one of those people that go like, Oh, I keep all the comments because of engagement. I don't care about that. I care about having a beautiful, loving, and positive home. And My social media is my home, so I clean it up. Yeah, I have a team of social media people that help me navigate it, but ultimately, we delete a lot of the negative comments because I don't invite that negativity in my space in person or online.

I like that. I think we all need that because social media, it can be very toxic. I imagine when you're reading things about what other people say, as if that even matters in our lives. But Dr. Tara, How Do You Like It is the book, correct? How do you like it? When does it come out? How can people get it?

Right now, and if you pre-order, you'll be on the list of getting invited to secret saucy parties. But the book comes out October 21st, and so if you pre order, it will ship on October 21st.

What is a secret saucy party?

Oh, unless you buy the book.

They got to get the book. I mean, how can you finish on that? That sounds fascinating. But Dr. Tara, how do you like it? I think we all need this. I really know many people that if they get this book, they're going to be happier because they're going to be in a better relationship. They're not going to complain about a lot of things that I hear them complain about. It's a major topic. It's a major topic. I hope that there's more positivity and love spread in the world, and what better around sex and intimacy in your relationship. So thank you for joining us today. Thank you for all you do because you really make the world a better place.

Thank you for having me and amplifying the message of sex positivity.