Transcript of Jerry Seinfeld

Dana, we got a great, fun comedian on that we both like, we both known forever. Jerry Seinfeld.

The Jerry Seinfeld who also did. What's that? What was his half hour show in the nineties called?

It's called Skidoo or something.

Yeah.

Fel I know it if I hear it, Feldman.

So anyway, he may be, what? He wouldn't like this, but he may be kind of an icon at this point. But it was very interesting to say.

I mean, people throw legend around or, oh, my God, you're good. He is one of the best comics to do it. And he's definitely has a show that is arguably the best sitcom or at.

Least way, way, way up there.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And we can look now, 25 years later, how it's just ubiquitous. It's aired all over the world. And then Jerry is such, he at his core, he's a stand up, and he's, he's a scientist about it and loves to talk about it. So that was very interesting. It was a really fun, interesting interview. It went by very fast. He has a lot to say. And his new movie unfrosted. And so we talked all about that. The idea of writing and directing a movie, you know.

Yeah.

And all the cameos and the so many comics and funny people that are in that movie. And it's got a great nostalgic feel to it. It was a lot of fun, that one, just sitting with him. I don't see him that much. I see him at once a year somewhere in an event. Never get much time. Everyone's around, so just to sit and we all, by the way.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah. We all did in my house. And we cracked up. It's good to just have hard laughs when comedians are on.

Yeah. Yeah.

Jerry loves comedians and loves talking about comedy. And so I think you might enjoy this. I hope so. We did.

Ah, here he is.

Here he is. Jerry Seinfeld, men and women. Do you have any chunk on that?

Yeah, I do.

Well, in the olden days, I think Chris Rocks. Do you end with male female relationships?

Yes.

The whole second half of my set is marriage and kids. Hmm.

Yeah.

Ten minutes in, it's pretty good.

We've all.

Yeah, we don't have a real start time.

Night apiece, everybody.

Are you rolling?

Yeah.

Oh, good.

How's your energy right now? One to ten?

Seven.

Good.

We had the premiere of the movie last night. I saw it, which was. You were there.

No, I saw the picture with your family. You were smiling so much in all the pictures.

Because I'm done.

I know.

Almost.

Almost.

This is kind of embarrassing, but I saw that. I saw the movie twice.

Wow.

Well, you know, you're cooking dinner. You got it on the laptop. You know, I'm not.

Horrible chair, by the way. Work on that.

This chair's our.

I always thought you were taller. Why is he in the little kitchen?

I don't know if it's.

It's shaped like someone just drew an.

L and said pad that this chair saw.

Yeah.

Chairs are now made for humans. They're actually designed to fit human beings. This is not.

This is like Burger King.

They want to get you in and out like something.

Are you Charlie? Is that a better chair?

Do you have a short torso?

It's your chair.

Yeah, not mine.

It's a bad chair.

Is Charlie's better? Oh, this one might be better.

Yeah, Chevy Chase sat on that one.

I bet it's. I bet it might be a little similar.

I think it's better.

Okay, good.

Yeah.

This is the same chair.

You know, I only saw unfrosted once.

Dana, I just got these jeans. I put them on. I took the tags off this morning, and they fit.

They fit perfectly.

Isn't it a great.

What store?

Levi's.

Okay.

Old school.

Yeah.

What kind of jeans do you wear?

You know, they just asked me.

Just answer the question.

You know, when I was growing up.

Objection. Overruled.

Yeah.

Your witness.

Between men and women, what kind of jeans?

I don't really know. I got. It's whatever wardrobe has a professional shopper. No, I don't, Dana. I used to wear only 501 Levi's, and then somewhere along the way, I got lost and it just turned into brands. I didn't know. And they were the exact same, but they cost more.

The sandler. What is that Sandler thing? I love that you would have a thing of sandler.

This is. This is his album?

Yeah.

Hundreds.

Fresh.

And there's Norm's book over there.

Oh, that's just little peppers.

Will Ferrell.

That's nice. It's all we have is each other.

Comedians.

Yeah. Right. I was talking about how the only time I feel really calm is alone or with a comedian.

If I go to, like, a showbiz event, I will be lying to a comedian.

Yeah.

And it's very simple explanation is that we're all on the spectrum.

Is that true?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Nobody cares about the spectrum. When you take it out this far.

It'S not the one you think about.

Yeah, little bit. What's his name? Neil Brennan. Has a funny. The sprinkle of Asperger's or whatever it is.

Well, he says psychopaths and addicts created the whole world, basically.

Oh, right.

Yeah.

That was in his last special.

Let me ask you a question.

Has Lorne ever told you his thing about funny people?

No.

Cause it sounds like something you would kind of agree with.

You always agree with everything Lauren said.

Me too. So I said, I'm moving somewhere. And he always would say something like, will there be funny people there? That's the first one. And then the second one, he goes. Because there's like only 900 of us on the planet. Specifically, nine sound about right?

And globally.

Globally. Because I.

Generous number.

Yeah. Because you would used to say, like, under 50 comedians. Maybe in the country or any good.

Or 25. Well, the odds aren't good for us.

Wait, are we in it?

That's three more. I'm not picking them. I'm not picking them.

But it's a rare.

You don't have to rank them.

I agree. Every time I. Anywhere. And if a comedian walks any kind of social event, I'm very happy. Cause they're immediately critiquing the room and analyzing in a funny way.

So if we're a dog, are we Jack Russell? What kind of dog are we? I don't think we're Jack. Jack Russell's a. Too upbeat for.

Yeah.

True dog breed. Would use a Yorkie. No, no, I know.

I just. I.

Golden retriever.

Joe.

Golden retriever.

Doc.

Golden retriever. Too social.

But it's what they're trying to please.

Empathetic and. And good in social situation.

Cynical, awkward. A little bit angry and a little bit depressed.

Yeah.

French bulldog.

Yes.

Bingo.

Cat.

For our listeners. Look that up. What dog has that?

People like those dogs. They're very popular.

Valuable, too. So it's got that in there because they steal them a lot.

They got the ears stick up. I don't know.

Do you have dogs in your.

I used to, but we gave them away.

Okay.

Did Leno take them or.

No, they were dachshunds. And they were really weak. Really weak dogs. No, they. No, I mean, they had no actual. You know.

That's those little dog.

If you're a dog, your act is tennis balls.

Right.

Master coming home, beach. That's your act. They had no act.

The only thing they can do is go to a gopher hole, stick their snout in it and be still and look down in the gopher hole for hours.

Not enough for me.

That's not really entertaining.

No, I agree. Weren't even excited about dinner. They were horrible. I hated these.

You got some lemons? Yeah, it happens.

So tell me about. I would like to hear each other alone.

Yes, tell for sure.

Tables just got done.

Yeah.

Ask.

I had my own talk show. I know what the hell how to do it.

Ask us anything.

I want to know. Look, no one asked you this. No, bring the ridge. Yeah, I come with the ridge. I didn't think of this, but I'm looking at you guys. I want to hear how this, what is this now in your life, this thing? You thought it was just. I will just do some ex SNL players. That'll be fun. And then it blew up.

Yeah.

So I like the sound of that one.

Yeah.

What do you think about this now? Are you glad you did this? What is this?

The only thing I wish about it that. I wish it was on video because it'd be fun to see a lot more money, too. Yeah. But I do like it because it's kind of old school. It's like a newspaper or a telegram.

Why don't you video just sitting here?

And we have cameras here.

We have a second podcast. We video.

Yeah, we just started one, so we can video and basically get out there because.

Yeah, it's so easy now. Show business. Boy, they really changed it up. Didn't.

Amazing.

This is it now. This is all a comedian has to do just fine.

And you don't have to be, is.

It a lot or making so much money that it's. You said something the other day that sort of forgettable, but it was a no. You said something about movies and it sort of rang true with me that movies aren't the pinnacle. Pinnacle. And it always was.

Always.

And now you can make more in stand up. There's these guys that are playing arenas and going on tour and they go, I don't even have time to do a movie because I'm making so much money. It just, and it doesn't help me enough.

Let's take the money out of the question for a second.

Let's break it down.

Let's pretend we actually care about the comedy.

Movies are over was how you record it.

Movies are over, which was really fun. And they asked what replaced it. And I said, that's a good line. Disorientation is. What is the new pinnacle? Well, we're all feeling somewhat disoriented. I think that you can't just talk about money because you're going to go down a bad road in your work if you really just go, oh, I'm making more money.

It's exciting in the beginning. But then you got to.

Yeah.

What you have to accept is that we have to chart a different path.

Yeah.

I saw Nate Bergotski last night, and Ted Sarandos was there and I was. He's working on some, putting some kind of show together. But Ted said he's going to lose money. It's so funny now, right? He would lose money doing a show.

But anything else, don't.

This is the thing I really hate, I've always hated about comedy, is that we have to do other things. None of us want to really. This thing we do, like, this kind of work is fun.

You had it on wheels, basically.

I had it on wheels. I loved it. But I had to edit. You don't have to edit.

Well, this is at times now it's a long form talking with you and stuff, but times it's like behind the scenes at SNL before you had to hone your sketch down, the best improv and the best lines were just in the writers room. Me and Kevin Nealon would laugh for hours doing Hans and Franz. And so now we can, and I know you loved it.

I did.

So now we can do this. But I would say one unexpected thing about this is the camaraderie is now omnipresent with, we're seeing all these SNL people, comedians, and we're like, when will we again be across the table for an hour? You know, it just, so you're seeing, meeting people for the first time and you feel such empathy for them and their journey and how they're feeling. So it's more emotional.

That happened to me on comedians and cars. Now I'm friends with Eddie Murphy, which we weren't friends with before. And everybody on the show, you know, you're texting and it's so nice.

You do a long chunk of time. We saw, we talked to Chloe Feynman the other day.

We both, Neil Brennan, we had on.

And then you sort of have a new thing. You go, well, they were very interesting. They know about their life.

So the thing is, I guess that we're just interesting to listen to for people.

I don't know if that's true.

I mean, I would never, I mean, if. Unless it's somebody I really like.

Yeah.

Why would you listen? Do you listen to podcasts? No. But you have.

I have.

Did you ever listen to one and like it?

I kind of, you know, the thing is about entertainment now, Jerry, this is something that you would observe. People are always doing other things. When you're at a comedy club, you're at the club. You may be getting a drink, but you're watching the comedian. Everyone listening to this will be doing something else. Gardening, walking, mostly driving. They'll be distracted.

12% this.

So we don't have to be that good.

Right.

But we're still good enough. Howard Stern invented this, right?

Yes.

But we're better than him now.

Yeah.

Right.

Howard is interesting. Howard is a great interviewer. But, you know, comedy chops. I mean, can we speak candidly?

Sure.

No.

Well, he got Robin.

He gets serious.

And Robin is a big part of.

How they're all great. But let's face it, that's he's been outflanked by some very. And yourselves, I would say, is absolutely. This show is comedy podcast. This is the best one on the air.

That's nice. Thank you.

Yeah, because you guys, you play nice together. It's smooth. You don't. You don't. You're not jumping on each other, which is annoying to listen to.

We're friends. We don't compete. We really don't.

Right.

He cracks me up. It's fun to hear them. I like to hear him score. I like to talk to guys like you. It's not always this level, but anybody in comedy is interesting to me and you, and we're all a little damaged and beat up, and it's fun to hear. So some are tougher than others. You probably, when you interview, sometimes it is worse. It is worse.

That's why I love. I had to edit it. I couldn't put that out to people with the best.

Wouldn't put them through it.

Couldn't do it. No. And then I got tired of doing all the editing.

Right.

Yeah.

But I do think that people like with a stand up, if they love a stand up, you or David or whatever part of it is, they're on your team, they're buying the ticket, and they're there. They're already rooting for you. You're their friend. You're their guy. Jerry's smart. Jerry does this. This is my guy. So if you don't kill that night, you're still Jerry. So they just like to listen to us. If they've seen me on SNL doing crazy stuff, now they're hearing me now. There was none of this before. Four years ago, three years ago, who.

Knew there was a market? Who knew people wanted to get to know us?

Yeah.

Who gets the credit for figuring who figured it out?

Dennis Miller.

He did.

I made that up.

No, it's not Dennis.

No.

You know, how did the first big comedy podcast that people liked.

That was funny.

I mean, Mark Marin, ours isn't that serious. We don't dig. We don't want to know that much. We don't want to put people on the spot.

Jesus Christ, make us laugh. How interesting do you think you are? You're not that interesting.

Okay?

You're not right.

When you're funny, you're worth it. Yes, this is my line, which, you know me.

I know you have a lot of great lines.

No, but you know that I draw that line. If you're not funny, we're not that interested in you.

That's still my true North Star. But if I do stand up, I'm trying to really be funny.

You've always been that way. You and I hung out.

What year?

81.

We've been.

We've known each other.

I think you might have blown through.

Not in the seventies, maybe. Maybe.

Maybe late seventies, maybe. Cause you were, like, 14 months apart in age or something. But you and Jay Leno always seemed like my dad, in a way.

Yeah.

You were so much more professional. In fact, you're the first comedian I ever saw with an act, a real act. That was at the other cafe in San Francisco at the Haight Ashbury. And our bits were all discompopulated. All of it was running into a corner ditch. And this was late seventies, and, like, you had all this stuff laid out. I'd never seen anything like that. Yeah, it was like. But you advised me, don't go on the comedy competition. You don't need it.

This was a laugh off. San Fran. Laugh off.

I did one. I did one. Came in second.

Who beat you?

George Wallace.

Well, that makes sense.

Yeah.

78.

You put him in unfrosted.

Yeah, I did.

Yeah.

He has a funny line, too. I. I love other people's anguish.

Is that what he says?

He's a bartender.

Yeah.

He says, trouble keeps me in business. I love other people's anguish.

What about. My remembrances of Jerry Seinfeld are the. You don't always remember year openers. No one always does. But we did San Diego improv on Garnet.

We'll never forget that.

It was fucking great. And then I had my Honda, and I had my skateboard in the trunk, and I would skate around. And I think you thought that was interesting. And because I was so young, like, what was I doing there? I was from Arizona. And then my recollection, which is funny, that what you remember. I don't remember all comics, obviously, that you were good, but when you're doing, like, 45. Every comic I'd worked with wasn't that many has the same 45, like, stamped out on the road. Even if you see him five years later. And you did 45, and the next night I watched, you flipped about 20 of it was different. I was like, I couldn't believe you had different stuff. And then you flipped it again the next set. It's maybe out of boredom. That's what I would have done now. But I was like, oh, he's putting. He's flipping the order, and he's also changing different material. So you have that much material. So I was just a fan across the board of that, and you were cool to me. Thanks.

We had fun. Isn't it funny how. I mean, I remember that so well. I remember sitting in your apartment in San Francisco so well, you guys don't think that I have forgotten any of these things.

I just think that it was. There's so many memories. And also, I was newer. Maybe later you'd remember. But when I've opened her, some people say, I remember. I go, oh, yeah, now that you say it, I remember something like that.

It's weird. It's weird.

But when you hang out with people, if I hung out with Steve Carell, it would all be about the show we did, and I would go right back to 96, just that it got canceled. But it wasn't Seinfeld, put it that way. I was gonna ask you a question. Do you think that most comedians, even the good ones, are essentially lazy?

First of all, so impressed that you have questions. Is this some. A little preparation?

This is out of respect. This is. You know what this is.

I'm so flattered.

You and Jim Gaffigan are the two that I've most seen. This really discipline. I don't even know if you call it a discipline. Willingness to tape the act, sit with it, work on the bit. If it's not working like you had. I had a bit once that I could never get to work without saying fuck.

Right?

And it really frustrated me.

Oh, that's interesting.

And I tried all these different combinations. It never got quite. But I only had one fuck in my act, right? Did you ever say, what is the fucking deal?

I did. I had one in a superman bit. But I'm gonna answer your other question. Cause it's a really good one. I had one in my superman bit, was one of my first bits about that. Lois and Jimmy were these reporters, and they were always tied up in an effing cave. How are they doing their job? You know? And if I took the f out of it. Nothing. No laugh. So that bothered me. I go, so it's not funny unless I say, effing cave.

Well, especially if comedians use it casually. If you're gonna use, we'll call it the f word. Make sure it's a punchline. Just don't go, how the fuck you doing? Well, you're wasting, if you might.

It's all wasted. It's all wasted.

But did you ever figure you couldn't get it to work the same way?

No, I couldn't get it to work. And I thought, well, then that's not funny. What the hell am I doing? Aren't I supposed to be good with words? Isn't that kind of part of this job? But as we know, there are many, many people, great, great comedians, who use all a lot of profanity and use it beautifully. 99% do not, but some do. So I can't say I have a, I don't have a problem with the word. It's. But we're supposed to be good with language. I think that's what they're paying to see. Back to your question. Are comedians lazy? Generally speaking, all Humans are lazy. Lazy.

Yes.

Period.

Right. But they're not standing on a stage getting no laughs because of the laziness.

No. All humans are lazy, period. Comedy is the hardest thing to write or do in humanity, comma.

I was thinking I had more.

No, I don't have any. There's nothing. We all know writers. My friend Barry Martis says, you think you're funny or you want to be in the business. You want to do. Write me one page of stand up. One page and you see. Exactly. Chops or no chops. One page of stand writing stand up. It's poetry that makes air burst out of your mouth. That's what it is.

Let me ask you a question. What I find.

Please stop announcing questions. Stop. I have a question. Question for you.

Edward R. Murrow was my grandfather.

I.

My mom.

Quick question. You just doubled the length.

I have a station.

That's how much you know about quickness.

I'm gonna ask you a question. This one's very serious. No, go ahead.

Do you, do you do any race jokes? A lot of comics are doing race jokes.

I don't have any. I would do any joke I could think of that works that I like. I don't have anything on race.

Race.

But what, what, why would you ask that question?

Because some african american comics have race jokes, and it doesn't seem like a lot of white comics have race jokes. Yeah, we'll take this out.

I mean.

Question.

Why did you pause there?

Because what he said was so stupid, I didn't know how to respond.

No, I have another one.

Yeah.

I wonder why black people think about race more than.

No, I know. I'm just saying, is it possible to.

Wonder if that has something to do with their life experience?

Well, is it possible to make fun of race if you're white? That's what I'm saying. Is like, is it too touchy or is just too off limits or is it just better left on set?

I really, really get ill when I hear, you know, as a white guy, you know, oh, I'm white. I really hate that crap.

I don't like any of that black guy. This guy.

But I do love. And you'll say, but so hacky. I absolutely love any black people do this. White people do this. I love that bit.

Never.

Who does it? I don't care what you got. I love that bit.

Yes. It's funny.

Yeah.

Steve Harvey, the yellow suit special. White man fishing. Black man fishing. Come on. Love that.

Have you ever seen Steve Harvey's bit? It's on YouTube where he's if baby boomers went to war.

No.

It's so brilliant. It's like nine minutes and it's extraordinary.

I need a new.

So that's what I care about. Because we were talking about money or something before. I don't care how many tickets you sell. I don't care where you're playing. I don't care what you're raking in. Let me see the stuff. If you've got great stuff, I am really envious and impressed. I don't care what. So what are you gonna do with this money? How many square feet is your house? Who cares how far you walk to take a leak? I don't.

I totally agree.

Bits. Bits is our only currency. That's what I'm saying.

Yes.

And people asked, did you always think this and that? And I'll ask my wife. Cause I met her in 79. Did I ever mention getting rich and famous? She says, never.

Right, right.

Never. I was only trying to kill in the club. Be as good as Leno.

You are one of the great kill club, though. You're kill obsessed, which is what makes a great comedian. You are up there, and I think I'm not at your level, but I have that. I have got to get these people. I have to get these people. That's what I care about more than anything.

Yes, I do.

It's nice to live a nice life. Of course. It's nice how we live and all that.

The best thing ever in the club, Jerry, was a woman with a napkin going like this right in the front row.

Yeah.

Because, you know, that reorientated her world.

That's it.

That's turning a crowd around is a good feeling.

Yeah.

If you're not work, it's not working. And you're trying every trick in the book and it starts to come around. You're like, oh, my God. 30 minutes in and I've got them.

Did you ever open for music in the day and go out?

No, that's too tough, I think. Is it? Oh, yeah. Lots of tough one.

It's kind of fun, right?

It can be. I open for Todd Runger, for Robert Palmer for ten year tower of power. Sometimes. Your hero will be on in a second. But first, this is me in 1978, going to college. Dana Garneau.

Boo.

Yeah. Yeah.

Doesn't that make a man out of you?

Yes, it does.

I did for Kid rock. Like a probably 7000 seater. Outdoor. Outdoor to boot. Did I get them? Let's look at a clip.

When's the last time you really bombed?

Yeah. Did you still bomb a lot in your mind?

Like you were off?

Look, I'm not gonna tell you where when it was.

No, don't.

Recently, it was Winnipeg a couple weeks ago. And I came off and went that way.

Shit.

And I was really. And I'm still. I have a set tonight at the Hollywood ball. We're doing.

Oh, that's gonna be great.

Is this. When is this?

Airs in two years.

This?

No, the Hollywood bowl. Sounds like such a fucking fun show.

Is.

It'll be really gaff again.

And Bragazzi.

Sebastian. Who's following Sebastian?

Here's what we're gonna do.

How you gonna do it?

Go out with a top hat with four.

I love it.

So you might open?

I might open. I love it.

In your mind. I want to answer this. Who's the hardest to follow of those three?

Following is a philosophical. I think there's an energy thing now. I would say Sebastian versus me. Yeah, I'll follow.

Oh, I see what you're saying. So they're all equal.

I followed Cosby after 911. We did a benefit at Carnegie hall.

Right.

And I followed Cosby, who I fought, who I was adored as a child, and sat there on the floor playing why is there over and over and over. And I followed him was no problem. So following, that's what.

Did you follow Henderson in his prime.

Oh, well, now you're talking.

I did and I bombed, right?

Five. Five.

But that's.

That's loud, too. Loud is tough.

Loud is tough, but, you know, look, have you ever remember in the old days, we used to flip around tv and you're watching a cartoon and then you're watching porn and it's no problem. You can change. You can change. The human brain is built to change lanes.

No, you just need. You need a minute. If I follow Dennis Miller when he's really got them, I can follow it. But you have to deal with his energy for a couple of minutes.

Forget it. Well, Carby, his energy is none of your business.

Well, it stays there for a moment. You can't.

Yeah, that's.

None of you. That's not your problem.

I just go out and do something. Like I say, I'm playing Tucson. I go, what's up, Tucson? And I have them, okay?

Last night I did a set right on the bill so they know I'm there. And that only matters because John Mulaney comes in and he does a guest set. And so he's very hard to follow anyway. And he's. I'm not saying I don't agree with you, but he's also a guest set, so it's even better. You know what I mean? His surprise, he goes off and you want to tell the emcee, which you would never do, do one joke in the middle. But I didn't even say that. Didn't. Didn't use that bullshit, that crutch. I just said, bring me right the fuck up.

That's right.

And I went up and I just said, mulaney, great. You guys got lucky tonight. And then I go right into it.

Yeah.

And I did good. And it's hard. So you just go right into. You go, I gotta floor it. Because you can't be the one they take the night off on.

You know?

If there's great comics in a row like you for tonight, sometimes they go, I've laughed too hard. If someone doesn't, their first joke doesn't work, they go, yeah, let's get some beers. And then everyone kind of goes down for you and you go, oh, this is the one they took off on.

They just kind of said, well, I.

He's not gonna be that great in.

Your case, Jerry, I saw up close it was at the comic strip, must have been early eighties.

Oh, my God.

Wow.

Going into the files.

So there was. There was a lot of stuff going on, like people were killing or drinking. The room was completely unsettled. This poor you were Jerry Seinfeld, right. So you came up and I was just in the back watching, and you're doing your thing. No laugh. No laugh. No laugh. But you're not losing it. You just keep going and going. And after about seven or eight minutes, you started to get him, and then you ended up killing. And I remember. I never forgot that.

I go, this guy, you don't give.

Up his bombing, but he's just laying out these great bits, one after the other. No one cared. Everyone's talking, but you wore them down.

Yeah.

I gave you a compliment.

Thank you. Thanks, Dana. That's so nice. Well, we could.

He calls it out, too. Here's a compliment. Now, you know, corporate gigs are like that. Corporate gigs. Sometimes you can get them after, like, 20.

Yeah.

They start hating you, or just. They don't care about you. And then they start to go, what the fuck's this guy talking about? And then they. Then they start to get some smiles. And then if you.

That.

That's a big victory, especially a corporate game.

Yeah.

So you do corporates? We all do them.

Oh, yeah. You saw the house.

Yeah.

I think I get this.

Getting $20. The improv. I used to do, like, 50 real.

Money at these clubs now.

At the clubs?

Yeah.

These clubs you get making hundreds of dollars.

Yeah.

You get. It's up to fifth. No, not 100, but it's up there.

400 seaters. You know, two shows. Would you ever do two shows anymore?

Yeah, I still do.

Okay.

In one night?

Yeah, one night.

Wow. What is your perfect size venue? A lot of people brag, like, we played this, and it's bigger and bigger.

You would, but don't.

What's a good type?

Is.

It's not my job.

Is a couple thousand where you want to stop?

It's not my job.

I.

The stage is my job. I don't care who's out there.

I know. I'm saying, do you like it?

No, I don't care what I like.

So if they.

I know what you fucking like.

Would you prefer screens or not? Screens? You don't care?

I don't. 20,000. My job.

Do you want the microphone to actually amplify? That's not your job.

Do I love arenas? No.

Thank you. There we go. We cracked them down.

We broke them. I don't love it. Okay, Jared, it's not my job to.

If you're hired, you're supposed to do good no matter what. What are you saying? If you're hired, you're there, you do the best. One person or 100,000?

The best I can with your setup.

That's my job.

I have a question for you, and I'm going to.

Good attitude.

What you would have done.

That's very political.

This gesture is, there he is. Seinfeld.

Funny.

Don't you love Dana?

Good.

When they go, look, the word look. What do I say when they get asked the question? Look.

And I disagree with everything you've just said. Who had the bit where they had the glasses on? They go, what do you mean? My son's gay. Who is that guy?

I don't remember. But anyway, I ended up putting a cigarette out bit to end the argument. Oh, I had one of those, but.

I used to do it. The people who smoke, when they put, they don't, they're not annoyed by the smoke until they put it out. So anyway, that was great. Went to the pool.

Don't forget your question. I want to.

What about the doctor eating what Jerry.

Seinfeld would have done? Yeah, maybe a thousand seater out in West Virginia.

A little soft.

Jay Farrell played the night before. So I assume. So I said, sounds just like Jay. I mean, how's the sound? I didn't do a sound check. Oh, yeah, it's great. Sounds great. So I go up. Huge slap back. Hello, hello, hello, hello.

Horrible.

I don't think they can fix it, or they would have. So I had to do the whole set feeling like I was in a fishbowl.

Oh, that's hard.

Trying to.

That's really hard.

Because you start, it wasn't hard.

Cause hard's not my business.

No, hard is your business. Hard is your business.

Just to suck it up and do it.

That's right.

Or to go, could you guys.

But you start to have a mini production meeting because you're trying to be funny, but you're like, hey, guys, this guy from Devry over here. But honestly, could you fucking fix this? And are you hearing that? And then blah, blah. And are these lights. But you try to work it in, but you can't just stop and go, okay, here's what's going on. Because if they can't fix it now, the audience is onto it, going, I.

Did a show two weeks ago, and I said, ten minutes into the set, please go to the box office and ask for a refund if you're not happy. And $4,000 had to be returned because they, they cocked the sound. They cocked.

So, by the way, when you had that bad set, did you think you were just. Sometimes I feel like the audience, it.

Was a better than it's a b.

Yeah, I was about to say, easy, easy.

But you felt sometimes the audience. You're better than the audience. Sometimes the audience is a little quiet, and you're really on, and sometimes the audience is really good, and I feel just a little.

That's all fine.

Yeah.

But good. There are. There are those shows where you can't get that coat off. You know what I mean? You walk in someone's house, you got your coat on, and your job is to take your coat off and just be comfortable in their house. And that's a set. When you get your coat off in front of the audience. Okay, I'm here with you. We're socializing, quote unquote. And I couldn't get off of myself. You know, I have a trainer guy, Adam Wright, and he's a sports psych. He works for a lot of teams, a lot of Olympians, and we discuss the negative voice a lot, which every comedian is intimately acquainted with. The war between you and the negative voice on stage telling you, why would you even go into this field? It's clearly not your vortex.

It's not working. It's not working.

Tennis is very strong. Tennis, golf, and stand up if you have to have a strategy for the negative voice so you won't be able to play.

I would say, like, the code analogy for me is, sometimes I forget to say this one thing right before I go out. Have fun, and if I forget to say that, and I'm out there and why is this not feeling good? I'm not having fun. But the good sets are like, you're having fun. It's a subtle distinction, but if you forget to have fun and you're in, that voice is really loud. The best is when the voice is gone, right?

Yeah.

It's very hard to completely. But fun is not really a good. It's an internal, clinical word. The real, the sports psychology word is flow. That's the state that you seek in writing or performing or socializing. Flow is really the word. It is a bit overused, but there's no better word for it.

Would you accept zone?

Tone zone? Yeah, zone. I'll accept zone.

I'll accept.

But flow is a little more.

Flow has movement, and that's what you always trying to find. You know, let me try and do this bit a little different. Maybe I can find fun with flow, but when you get flowing and then they get flowing, and then you don't have to work well.

It's like you're enjoying it, and they can feel it and it feeds. It's a feedback loop. You know, you guys are seeing the really good show. Do you ever do that? Do you ever, like. It's going really well, and you say, you guys are really great tonight.

Do you?

I can't do that.

I didn't think you would. I didn't think you would.

I tell them it's their fault when they're not laughing.

Yeah.

I gotta let them know what I.

Will say, that my version of that is, I'll just take a sip of water and go, let's go to work.

Okay.

That's what I'll say. That's my way of saying this is a good crowd. I'm into this.

I have a theory that most comedians, especially the all time greats, have a little bit of a tell for the audience, and that's a little giggle. And if you look at prior, prior had the. Yes.

A constant little thing that's funny.

Louis CK will do eight or nine minutes, and then once in a while, he'll just do a big laugh, just like. And you. You have. You'll do it, and then you'll put a little laugh in every once in a while.

It's.

It's very subtle. Yeah, but they're seeing that you're enjoying it.

Yeah, I've seen that.

Your eye is stunning, by the way. You have an amazing eye. That you pick.

That.

You pick those that you know. That you and you. And you tweezer those out. That's great.

Well, now I'm just curious. I know.

I got a tweezer for you.

I like to see a great comic that doesn't have one.

I don't think you do. I don't think you do a tons of crowd work.

No.

When I've seen you, I do.

My encore is always Q and a. I take, okay, I guess that's crowd.

That's.

That's just fun, right?

You don't open with it, so you win them over without it, and then you have it at the end. But a crowd work thing that's funny is when someone goes, hey, blah, blah, blah, and then they answer, and then if it doesn't get a laugh, he goes, two weeks ago in Cincinnati, I asked this lady the same. I go, you're reliving a joke that wasn't from this crowd. Have you seen that trick? I saw it last night.

I was like, I, carumbo, how do you feel? This is a younger person's thing that they do. I'm curious if it bothers you, any comedian that says, when I wrote that joke, that's not really part of the show.

Dude.

Don't.

It's not really fun.

No, we've come here, dude, we've come here to hear. Let's play the illusion that you're this magic.

Yeah.

The rabbit will appear and we don't know how it got out of it.

Yes.

Don't say when I wrote this show. Right, please.

Now, when you're watching stand up or watching a special, do you find yourself being analytical? Little bit.

What are you talking about?

Well, you're going. Always doing that bit. Oh, he's doing, you know, just watching the stand up. Maybe a young stand up. It's all we can move on.

Wow.

Note to sell.

Worse than the race.

Sorry about him. Sorry about you.

Sit down.

Thank God.

No, you're just saying it's so obvious that you do.

I am always. We're always have the meter running in the cab. We're watching.

Yes.

When I watched Nate, when I called.

Great writer.

Yeah.

And I watched his second special, and I wasn't really that into him. I hadn't seen, I shouldn't say that I hadn't seen much of him, but the second one, his laugh per minute rate was so high.

Lpms.

Yeah.

So you call, so that I called him and I said, that was a really, and my daughter is writing comedy. And I said, this is what we call tight. This is what this defines tight.

Yes.

And so that, so the meter's running. But I will totally get lost in anybody I like. But that other thing is also there.

Well, once in a while, stand up has someone come on. It's kind of, they have their moment, you know? And so I think it was seven or eight years ago when I just would go in through and watch Sebastian. His first kind of special.

Yeah.

And his physicality and his rhythm.

Yeah.

Clipping his towel nails over there, eating the cinnabon. And I was just like, okay, this is a rebirth for me. This is new. Familiar, but new. And I knew that that was his moment.

Right, right.

And I'm trying to think the current, but that happens once in a while.

You know, it's funny.

It lasts a few years and not often.

Not on.

Not often.

Once a decade.

Yeah.

I mean, definitely. I think Nate is having his moment. Sebastian had his a few years ago. Who was before that? Chris?

Well, Louie Louie.

Yeah.

Louie Louie had his mom.

It's quite rare. It's quite rare when, when all the pieces.

Nate does have a high slugging percentage of.

Oh, yeah.

You keep watching. You go, wow. Because he, because a thing that I was not accustomed to and you probably weren't. More is when a new thing of doing tour special. Tour special. And I always feel like the first one's probably the best special and then these are the second best jokes. Then it just feels like just because how hard I work on just jokes to work and I hate throwing them in the garbage and.

Yeah, me too.

And you don't really have to, I guess because I sort of like a little mix. I like stuff that I love and I like stuff that, like, if you were on, I wouldn't mind if you pulled out. They've seen the fork or whatever. That joke.

Yes.

I still do that, you know, but I hate to tell you this, we're old and out of it.

Yeah.

That's just not the way it's done.

I'm told every day, of course.

But if I went to see George Carlin, I would love if he did baseball and football.

Oh, yeah.

I would love that.

That's what I'm saying.

But I think our day has passed.

I remember a comedian coming to the punchline in San Francisco. It might have been Frank Orchard or something for the impression, but he was like 55, the Riddler.

Right.

And I was like, what is he even doing this for?

Why would you stay out of the house?

I was 26.

Do you remember Denny's joke for some reason?

Johnston.

No. Denny Miller.

Oh, the Denny Miller.

Yeah.

Do you remember for some reason, I want to see Nancy Reagan in Frank Gorshin's old riddler costume. Do you remember that joke?

That's what he said.

I think about that joke at least once a week because I love that joke so much.

It's.

I don't know what it is. You know, he has to say Frank Gorshin's old riddler costume.

You get that image, the green tights.

Yeah.

I mean, Dennis. I love Dennis.

Dennis, my favorite one. I don't know why this one always stuck in my brain. Yeah, he's up. There he goes, Jimmy crack corn, and I don't care. Big pause. What the kind of hell attitude is that?

I'm so glad you're laughing that hard. I love Dennis so much.

Dennis is brilliant.

He was the one when I started, when I would go the improv, when I was like that old, I was probably 2021 and the chalkboard. And it would be guys like you and Leno and maybe Dennis and Kevin. Not so much Dana, because he's more up in San Fran when I started. But I'd see him, but I would go in there and it was such great comedy school, just to watch and go, fuck. Is everyone this fucking good?

I mean, it's unreal.

I got his big gulp one.

You know what I mean?

Big gulp. 32oz of liquid. Who needs that much liquid? I just stepped off the surface of the sun. I'm a little parked.

You can only drink with a fucking undertow.

Got a life. Delete cha cha. Or the guy who didn't forgive the pope. You're lucky my chick's not here.

Yeah.

Dennis got a million. But I think in the hall of fame of our generation, I think of you and Leno and Dennis.

You know, I saw Jay last night. Jimmy. We had the premiere of unfrosted last night. Jay was there. Jimmy Brogan was there.

Larry David was there.

And I felt like I was getting married. It was. It was like. It's like, well, there's the life. That was the life. That was it.

The history.

So it was fantastic that they showed up. You know, who wants to support me? Why? You know?

But Jerry needs more success.

Yeah, exactly.

Help him. Help this guy. You know, not to talk about the movie, but unfrosted. Speaking of tight, one thing that hit me pretty quickly was how fast it was moving. Not really like a normal movie. It was like not only it's got a story, so it's not just set up punchline, but it's really line, line, lap line. I mean, once you get. It feels like a rhythm where it just goes, wow. You're not wasting any time. You're getting the scenes out, which takes a lot of work ahead of time to just tighten, tighten. But I thought Gaffigan was funny. Everyone that came in. Of course, I got the whole cast list here. But Melissa McCarthy's always funny. Amy was in. Bill Burr, of course, is the surprise. Takes you a second.

Yeah.

To find out it's him. But everywhere you turn, there's some funny people, and the movie is light. It's.

Maybe.

I wouldn't say Willy Wonka ish, but something weird, you know, something like that. Very light.

It's very fun.

Very.

It's a mad, mad, mad world. It's people caring so much about something and so maddenly caring about ridiculous serial.

That was the track. We tried this.

I think it's a director. This is my first note.

Okay.

That was. I thought was great. The kid in the first scene.

Yeah.

So good.

So good.

So hard to get a kid that good. You're.

Yeah. Who?

I just love this kid. I saw him last night. I hadn't seen him since we shot that.

Yeah.

I just was hoping. Is Isaac gonna come to the premiere? I've got to see him again. He was just a sweet kid. He was funny. He didn't adult.

Like, I've had better days or something. It was something really funny.

Leave the box.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Tough. And the. And the guy at the counter says, tough days is, you don't want to know.

That was it. Yeah, you don't want to know. And then. And then a little while later, you have the little girl in the dumpster. Like, she was.

She was great.

She was great.

Her voice comes back. She's got a lot of.

She's a killer.

Did you add her? Because those two were getting laughs. Did you add a scene for them or. No, you know, that's done. Sometimes they.

Oh, yeah.

Someone.

We didn't. But, you know, when the scenes kill, obviously there were scenes like, I cut and. But their scenes all made it. Well, tell me her name again. The little girl.

Okay. I got it right in front of me.

Yeah.

Her name is Daily.

The boy.

Her name is John Slattery. I Rubic fame is John Han.

I like when Amy calls her cabbage patch Schumer.

Is she, like, great? She's funny. Well, they mean you had.

God. Yeah.

Gaffigan was so fucking funny in this movie. Like it was a part for him. Like, he looked like central casting from a sixties sitcom or something. I mean, it was his born to play that role.

Right? The president. The son of the president of Kellogg's.

Yes.

Who inherited the company, and he plays it, so buffoon.

Kyle Dunnigan doing Cronkite is. That was a great runner.

And he did Carson.

Yeah, I saw that with the face.

Yeah, the face replacement.

We had him in the. We interviewed him right here.

Oh, yeah.

How great is he?

As good as they come.

As good as they come.

Good as they come. Brilliant.

Underused, undersold. I'm glad you used.

Very humble, kind of unassuming, but yeah, nails it.

Christian Slater was great.

You know, he came up with the whole cronkite. I'll stop drinking when you stop talking.

Oh, yeah.

That was an ad lib in a take. I said, that's this character. That's who he is. Nobody knew that Walter Cronkite had an old bitch wife and a drinking problem.

It's our generation, you know. It's such a touchstone.

Yeah.

I mean, cereal was huge in our fans.

Oh, sure.

Huge.

Silly putty. X ray specs.

Yeah. They all get a shout.

Or silly putty, if you got one. Which one? We'll tell you what Tom Hanks said.

Wow, that's a tough call. I'd probably go with silly putty because of the egg. I love the egg was a two color egg.

Is just slam it too hard, then you never see it again. Well, all that superball. Superball is the one. Super bally Putty is like you for the newspapers.

Yeah.

I went nuts when they came out with the Super bowl mini. Do you remember the Super bowl mini?

Oh, the little one gets all that.

I went smaller.

Yeah. And you slam it on the sidewalk.

And it would fly. I want a bigger one so I can fucking find it.

Yeah.

Sometimes they just go. And that's it. You get one out of it, and then it's, like, down the street.

So the.

Yeah.

So you wonder, is our kids having as much fun today as we had? No, I don't think so.

The Stingray was in there, too.

You had Stingray? Everything. I loved everything. It was a little indulgent. I have to.

Why would it be indulgent?

I just love stingrays. There's no reason for that to be in there.

Oh, Steve Schwinn and the Stingray.

Well, we had to kill somebody because I wanted to do the full serial honors burial. That was the bit I wanted with.

The milk and all.

Yeah.

I think the loading up you hit.

With the movie was like, if this joke wasn't your thing. Just wait a second.

Right?

Here's another one.

Well, we're comics.

Rhythm.

I'm not a filmmaker. I'm comic.

Let me.

Jerry said, I asked my film, I have a 13 year old nephew. And I said, what is the equivalent of, like, a slinky for you to kill time? And he said, porn. Online porn.

Okay, so joke. No, that's sad.

And slinkies would get all caught up.

Only because you're never gonna enjoy sex. You're never gonna enjoy it.

No.

And that's a shame, isn't it?

I had a slinky.

They ruined it. They ruined it.

I know. We had a Playboy magazine at the dump.

You had to work a little bit, but. Spiegel chuckles.

Poor porn for a first grader. I don't agree with it. Just count me as don't like porn for kids.

Yeah.

Taking a stand.

Who said this? I quit porn, Chris.

Yeah. It's so funny. You just do the pace without the.

Tells me every day. Also the fingers on the shoulder.

Spade. Spade.

Listen to me.

He had one of the greatest lines I've ever heard about how to be a professional comedian. We were talking the other day. We did Kevin Hart's Mark Twain prize. He was talking about, he was talking to some young comic. I'm not going to mention that name either. And he was telling him, he said to the kid, what do you do during the day? He says, I hang out. Don't do anything during the day. And he says to the kid, during the day is when you make the money. I go, yeah, we collect it at night, but we make it during the day. So that line, he and I really love that line. That should be the code for Sim. But I think all the young kids today, they do, they're either doing these, they're selling or they're writing. But you make money during the day, you collect it at night.

Yeah.

So you go out in the world and that's how you get big.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Look at things.

Do you have any bit that you haven't, that's just in your brain right now and you haven't done it in your act? Just the thing. You're working on that.

Tons.

Anyone?

Oh, I would just, I had a notion. I don't have any tried to fix.

We'll fix it right now.

I've thought of this.

The question announcements. I've got a little bit of a grip on it that I did earlier to you.

Yes.

Uh, no more. Stop announcing. I have a question.

Right.

One question.

Well, that's in your question.

Yeah, I'm working it. I'm working.

You fell into the trap.

That was a bit.

So that was, I kind of knew that and I was sort of. It's an assist.

Yeah, that was an assist.

I made that.

Yeah.

So that's one that's, I'm working my.

Thing is this because the phone is always going in and out of the car talking to someone? I'm taking you into the car now. I'm going for a ride. Can I just have a conversation? I'm putting you in my ear. Oh, okay.

That's funny.

I dropped, my wife said the other day, oh, I just dropped you in the trash, so.

Oh, that's really funny.

That's a concept.

I love it.

That's so much more you that you can run with it.

You're giving it to me?

I am.

I don't want it. I think that's too sweet. That's too nice.

It's something you could make.

I have enough.

Yeah.

You've already done so much for me, just having me on the show.

You're our biggest guest in quite a long time. That's cool.

So give me. I don't want to waste the notes.

That I had about the movie that I liked.

I missed the first hour.

But I love Bill Burr's. Kennedy.

We love Bill Burr's.

He sounded like Kennedy. Even his regular voice. Pretty much.

Yeah.

Well, Bill Burr is the only guy out of Boston that I've liked since Kennedy.

Yeah.

Long time.

Yeah.

Those are my two. The only two guys out of Boston that I like.

Yeah.

Peppermint twins are here. Yes. Are they wearing the traditional garb? I think this meeting's over.

Yeah.

I mean, you know him as Kennedy was.

So did you have to cut any friends out of the movie and tell them, no brush over that one?

What is your favorite scene in the movie, if you have one or one.

The pop tart in launching in the toaster, which I stole from Ron Howard. Apollo 13. I took the same track. Spirit in the sky. Norman Greenbaum.

Very cool.

Pop tart launches. I just like the energy of that. That was like, I felt like I was filmmaking there.

Felt like a big bug inside a toast.

That whole thing.

Like a rocket.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And the funeral scene, which was a scene that a lot of people did not want to do, they said, it won't work. It's not on story. And I said, yeah, but this is why you make comedy movies, to do something really silly that you think will play.

Right.

Mel Brooks, the cowboys come into the busby Berkeley. What else? That whole movie to me is to just get to that. And Harvey Korman sang raisinettes at the candy counter. Do you remember that?

Yes.

Count Vodkula. Is that one of the lines? Count Vodkula, hysterical. But that just, it's just peppered with so many jokes that it's hard to remember all. But I just remember going, oh, it's still going. It's still going. It's still funny. Still funny. It's over.

John Ham's moment with Melissa McCarthy. When they're floating.

Yes.

Flirting.

Yes.

It's a very worked. Really. I thought Jon Hamm was stood out to all these cameos you had now. He was so serious.

Yeah.

About advertising.

Yeah.

Why are they so mean? It's just advertising.

He was so cool about doing that and doing that with John Slattery.

Yeah.

They were really amazing to do that. That was a dream that you thought, could we get them? Do you think they would do it?

Yeah.

So that the other thing I wanted to do that I couldn't, I almost did was Chris Rock was going to be the emcee of the bowling spoon awards. And we shot that right after the Will Smith slap. And I was going to have somebody come up on the stage and have Chris punch him out as they got there. And then, and then Chris wasn't, he wasn't up for the, to perform. He was still a little shook from that event.

Yeah.

But that was good. That was what that scene was going to be. But Cedric saved the day.

I love Cedric.

Yeah.

He was instantly hilarious in that moment.

Do you think that would have been funny if Chris, as an emcee of the bowling spoons, somebody comes up on stage and he lays him out.

Without the Will Smith thing? I think it's funny. It just sort of, there's a still kind of a residual darkness around that moment.

Yeah. Isn't that what we're attracted to?

I don't know.

Residual darkness.

I assume we were in the writers room. I'd be sitting with you and Spike going, it could be. Let's think about that.

Yeah.

But if Chris is there, wants to do it, you get it.

I don't know if it would have worked.

You can always trim it. It was a nice, always get the shot.

Yeah. Yeah.

So what was your first cut? How long was it? Because the movie's like 85 minutes, 84.

Credits, and there's not a chance in hell. I was going to go over that. I don't know how long the first cut was, but I definitely pulled out at least 15.

Wait, you, you had a number in your head first?

Oh, yeah.

Wow.

Woody. I would do the Woody. Woody would go, 81, 82, and everyone's happy. No one's not happy with any hall. It's too short. We do, we do comedy. We get in, we get out.

I think you said about stand up. Maybe I asked you just off the record at a party or something. Like at a certain point it gets to be people. Like, even rock was his special. An hour and a half. I go, why don't you save a half for the next one? Just do a tight hour. And he goes, nah, I think they expect it from him. Maybe, but I was like, I'm from the school of. After an hour, it starts to get.

What they expect is not our business. It is our business. Don't give them what they want. You think they know what they want? If they knew what they want, they wouldn't have to pay to get it.

Let's get that on a t shirt.

Yeah. I feel like, oh, when I'm watching someone and it goes over a certain amount, I start to lose. And that's when I started to go, God, I love comedy and I'm starting to go, fuck. How long is this?

You can ruin it so fast. And I learned that watching Jerry Lewis and Sammy Davis at the Sands.

In Vegas.

In Vegas. And Jerry came out, he did 45. Sammy came in, they did another hour together. And then Sammy started singing. And it was like, this is not a good experience.

I always felt the Jerry Lewis telethon was too long.

Sammy can go on a long time. I was sitting with Kevin Pollack's about to go on the Tonight show. He's out of his mind. I was just there visiting, so excited. Sammy's singing. So Sammy gets a thing. Cause the name of love and then he breaks it down. Break it down in love. The king. Now you know. And I just see Kevin just deflating in the green room. There's a knock. Maybe next time. Okay.

I want to hear more stuff you like. That makes me feel good.

Stuff that I like made me laugh at. Your first name is trat pop trap.

Did you see it coming? That we were gonna. Well, it was a mirror image. Yeah, the silly putty.

But I like. Because, you know, you. I knew it's gonna change.

I didn't know how you were gonna find. Figure that out.

We didn't either.

And that was a great way to either. Does it make sense? Exactly.

Yeah.

It's the exact reverse. Words, letters.

I said, if he's fucking cheating this.

No, I didn't, because there was a big discussion of, should we show it on the silly putty spelled backwards or make it say pop tart back and forth? And that we. We like to do what it would really look like with the letters right backwards.

Funny. When it's a bad name and everyone's like, yes, it sounds horrible. Nothing.

Snap, crackle, pop. Bobby Moynihan. Those three characters.

Yeah.

Mikey.

That wasn't Bobby Moynihan.

Mikey day.

He was chef born.

I saw the movie Mikey day.

Yeah.

I don't know.

You did a great movie recently. Do you still want to do another?

Do you?

What are you talking about? Wrong missy.

Yeah, wrong Missy was great.

Wrong missy. Thank you. But, yeah, I wrote was Theo Vaughn, you know, Theo comic. So we're trying to do that hopefully end of summer this year.

Oh, great. Fantastic.

So we wrote it together, so.

Right.

Even if you like one of us, just come to that one.

Great. Who are you working with?

It's about cereal. It's a little bit of a bump.

Netflix.

No, I wrote that. We don't know yet.

Okay.

We don't know who the lucky winner is yet.

Right.

Embarrassing.

You got James Marsden in there too.

Yeah.

James Marson.

James jury duty that he did.

No, it's amazing. I heard about it.

Yeah. Mock documentary.

Yeah.

And the. I always like outtakes at the end. Yeah, I do.

Yeah.

Dancing, laughing, breaking character. It's just fun. So. Yeah, the movies is fun.

Yeah.

And I do think that this will get a little zeitgeist. You'll have a strong opinion about this. This is so trite right now, you know, with the way the world's going, we need. I know you're, I'm gonna begging you.

We.

Know in these troubled times, Mister.

Seinfeld, I will pay money for you to stop talking.

Do you have to get the cast to stay to shoot the song?

Yes.

At the end of the day when they're tired.

Yes.

How was that not fun? I knew it. Anything extra on a day is like.

Spike gets all the credit for that. I could not ask them. He would. He thought it would work. I never thought it would work. It does work because the song is cute and it just gets you off.

And the cow farting thing when you're running through the cow fart thing, what did you think? What were you thinking during that that.

Actually happened to Spike in real life as a kid? He was. They forced him to exit a dairy barn between two. Cow, cow. A line of cows. And I just found that so funny. He was so traumatized by it as a kid. So we put it in the movie.

And then you were your character traumatized.

There's nothing else to make him feel bad.

Can't get clean. You're having a nervous break.

You can't wash it out of my mind.

That was it.

Yeah.

What about.

You're clean now? What about my mind? I can't unsee it. Something like that. Do you still have this?

Mount Rushmore is just something someone lied about. Richard Pryor, Carlin Cosby, Rickles. Is that close?

Yeah.

Yeah. I do think I started the Mount Rushmore trend.

Oh.

By saying the Mount Rushmore of something.

I think, and my, my advisor, Tom Keeney agrees, that that's. I did it with Rickles to introduce Rickles. What's your comedy? Stand up. You don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.

But.

No, but if you go back to. There's, there's two ways for me to think of it. Like now, looking back, but like in the seventies, they were all magic. I saw prior on Ed Sullivan doing regular stand up, of course. And they were all magic to me. Jonathan Winters.

Absolutely.

I think. And you know, Carlin.

Carlin.

Carlin you have to put in there. And I think that that Marlin Winters.

You got one more slot.

Well, then mid seventies, like Steve Martin.

Peaks Steve Martin.

Yeah, that's pretty great group.

And Robin Williams, who, sorry, we're out of time.

Yeah, we are out of time.

Who I thought later, we have so much stone about Robin and what Robin, he's like, oh, I think I might have taken material from you. You know, he was very, very shy about stuff. I said, I try to take your whole act. I mean, his. The art of the thing that he presented was a shakespearean actor, right? Is pushed out on the stage with no material. And that was the brilliant conceit.

Yes.

And he's just wandering around and I don't know what I'm doing. And he picks up his brave, for those of you. And I said, this is a frisbee. And he goes. And so that was his genius. So I think those Steve Martin and Robin at that time, for me, the rhythm of Steve. Excuse me.

The freedom of Steve, his freedom on stage is still stunning to watch.

We'll talk about a performer expressing joy. The character, the happy idiot.

So likable. Yeah.

So, you know.

But a very calculated joy.

Meticulous.

Meticulously calculated. To be funny slash dumb. It's got to be funny dumb.

It's very hard to do.

Yes.

In the.

It's a recipe, the acting of it. Because he. We're talking with him and he goes, we've talked about the. Excuse me. And he goes, oh, it's just a catchphrase. But I go, no, no, no. I saw you do it at the boarding house. You say, can I get a blue spot? Yeah, can I get a blue spot? And you work your way to that, right? Excuse me. Just ask for a blue spot. Continue. As a kid, he also says, that's the brilliant thing.

You think it's an actual screw up. When I was listening to an album and I'm sitting there riveting, and he goes, can I get a blue spot for this? And then he, then he waits, he goes, blue spot? And then he goes, red or blue? And then he keeps inching up. Then he stops playing and he goes, you know, it's funny. I come here, I get up, I write jokes. He does a whole fucking setup. And you think. So I'm like, someone actually fucked up, you know? And it made the album. That's what I thought.

If you asked me to name your Mount Rushmore, I think I could spend an hour and I wouldn't get it. I could not guess your comedy. Stand up.

Taste.

Taste.

But the audience and I are dying to hear it. We want to hear your.

You can go. I have one more. I'm going to talk.

I don't think you can add any more people.

But, Jerry, it's the best guy for me on talk shows. The best guy ever. Rickles.

Rickles.

Rickles.

Okay.

I had to say it.

Yeah.

Wickles and Rodney. Interestingly, no one ever talked about this and probably shouldn't. The two most exciting guys on the Tonight show. Tough to do an hour for both of them.

Oh, they were.

He had the band.

Rickles.

Yeah.

The genius of him. No joke. It was so dry as a kid, it just made me laugh. He'd be out there with Johnny. Dad doesn't know the show.

Stop.

Head's in the corner. Give him a cookie. Pack him in ice.

Yeah.

There's no real joke. It's just all.

Yeah, those are jokes. Those are jokes. Well, they're just.

It's. That's.

It's stylistic.

Give him a cookie.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Pack them in ice.

Yeah.

They sound like jokes.

Who cares?

Yeah.

Before you can answer. So you know why. And I just want to answer because those guys were hundred meter sprinters. They were sprinters.

Right.

And then other comedians are long distance, middle distance guys.

Bob Newhart.

Bob Newhart, long distance runner. So it's hard.

I couldn't even do it.

Come on, start with Jerry. No, no.

I don't know. I know I'd probably. Because it changes over the years. That's why I was asking you yours. Because you've seen so many since Rickles.

That.

Has anyone even put up a fight?

That's a different question.

Okay, the question mine would be, God dang, I never even thought of it. I know.

I know Steve Martin specials is one way.

I know Steve Martin for sure, because I listen to his album so much. And Pryor. Pryor. We had his eight tracks. If I have to have a black guy in there.

You do. You do.

You gotta have one.

You do.

He's out of for you.

Want to keep doing the show?

Yeah.

That's Long beach. That's his special in Long Beach.

Long beach.

Yeah, that is.

Yeah.

Is that what it was? Or sunset.

Well, he walks out. Well, Long beach is where he walks out. The crowd is still coming in.

They're still coming in.

He's opening up for. Did he open for someone?

He's doing Patti Labelle.

Yeah, opened it.

He's filming a special that he.

They said he's opening for someone.

Is that possible?

No, no, no. Patti Labelle opens.

That sounded crazier.

Okay.

But that.

Yeah, yeah.

Crazy.

So he walks out, is what you're saying. He walks out when they don't even introduce me.

Yeah.

There's no introduction in the crowd. Still coming in and talking.

I love it.

You gotta say.

Sorry.

Yeah.

My best friend.

That was Cosby, because.

Would you like a little pill?

Come on, David.

I mean, if. Because we. I'm gonna go back early like you did, because that's what's shaping right. I would maybe put Carl in because I did go see him, even at the celebrity theater in Arizona when I was 14. And it.

What about Sam?

Sam Kinison?

Yeah.

Yeah, I saw him.

What about Bernie Mac? Bernie Mac.

I didn't see much of Bernie Mount.

When I want to laugh, and I'm just, you know, that's who I YouTube.

Get out of the desert.

Go to where the food is.

Go where there?

Yeah, go where the food. And I saw him at Finney Bones. You might remember Finney Bones in Arizona. And I would get. Be an emcee, same thing. Drove him to his condo, had me go get him beer and do all that. And then he had a pile of coke, and he said, you want some? And I go, no. And he goes, okay, you can stay. And he was Robert Townsend. And Robert Townsend said he didn't want any part of that. So he goes, can you run me to my room? So I drove him to his hotel and thirstily came back to hang out with Kinison because I loved him so much and I did want to do coke, and I didn't want to do his because I didn't want to look like a movie.

One of my favorite Kinison lines is from a movie, the Rodney movie. What is it called?

Back to school.

Back to school. When he asked about why we went to Vietnam. And he goes, is she right? Before he goes into the ran, you know? Is she right? Holding the rage, you know?

Okay, I thought. I thought, Kinison, when you said that. And I go, I don't know. There's too many people to think of. But Kinison, I had to say, was not really fair. It really shocked me. Kinison. And I was like, fuck it. When you see people that really put you on your heels, like, yeah. And you go, fuck, that's new. That's a new angle. That's new. But there are comics, and I'll. I'll say that I think we're all pretty good at. You can see. You don't need an hour. You can see one joke and you say, it might be a fluke if it's good. And if you see another good one, you go, okay, he's good.

That's right.

It's the Westwood comedy store. I went there. I was there like a Tuesday night at midnight, maybe 810 people.

Yeah.

First guy comes up dressed like Elvis, you know, and he's kind of going around like that. And he goes, with the cigarette?

Yeah, yeah.

You know.

Dice.

Dice, I'm gonna get you. You know. And he was so electric.

So fucking electric.

Then Kenison came up, oh, in the same show, he goes, there is no God. And he took his beret off and he was bald. There's no God. And he got a guy. So, frenzy, the guy got up and took his pants down. Yeah. He was just like, I never like it. So I tried to get him work. I couldn't get him work because I went back to San Francisco.

Yeah.

And they go, what has he done? Who is he? Well, you'll find out.

I also love Pablo Francisco. Do you know him?

All about him. Absolutely.

I love that guy. See, now that's the kind of guy I don't see anymore. Same energy. Remember those? There was guys that crazy. They're crazy. Altman.

Yeah, Jeff Altman.

List those guys. I feel like we don't see a.

Lot of that kind of that energy and pure madness.

Madness barely under control.

You don't know what's happening.

Did he later on do a thing where he played a video game character with music and lights and he's walking around like a.

Who, Pablo? Oh, yeah, Paul. He does a lot of tech. Techno club.

Techno club.

I watch him all the time. All the time. Just because I want to laugh. Altman. Bernie. Bernie Mac. I love watching Sam's first letterman. And then I'll watch the second one because I like the first one. He was nervous. And the second one, he knew. This stick works. This character works. He had the long coat.

Oh, yeah.

And I love the way he took the mic. Nobody took the mic on a stand on Letterman in those days.

He handed to you.

Yeah.

Or you used the boom, which was so weak.

I was on a Tonight show with Carson, and Sam was out there doing his thing. And then he starts to do something you're not supposed to do, I guess, kind of x rated. And I'm. Johnny's an X Man. He's going, oh, sham. No sham to himself. No sham. No, no, don't sham. Don't you think he's fucking up, Dana?

Really?

No, I didn't say that to him. Okay, but I was there. Carson said no sham. Oh, sham. He's out there.

Just how great was Carson? He really did love comics.

Yeah.

You know, for all his other political structures that he put comics through, you know, they created the hierarchical structure to. I don't know why.

Jim McCauley. That'll. Is that what you're talking about?

No, I'm sure it was. Maybe it was Fred DiCordova. You come on. You don't sit down until you're approved. You don't just come out and not do stand up until you're approved. It was a hierarchy that they built, even though we were the best part of the show.

Yeah, people wait for that stand up.

Do you remember your first set?

Do you?

Well, I don't remember this. Did you get called over?

No, but he called me back out. I walked behind the curtain, and he made me come back out and take a bow.

You killed that hard.

No, I didn't. It was.

But he liked it.

I was not happy with it. I thought it was good, but everybody was killing, and I didn't know in those days that if I don't have a mic in my hand, I can't do it. My. My thing doesn't work. I use the boom, and I don't.

I can't do it so different.

Yeah.

I can't make my stuff work with a boom.

Well, you don't have any dynamic without a mic because then you can go a little bit.

Right.

You have no vocal dynamic and you can't move.

Yeah.

Physically.

Yeah. Yeah.

And you're so used to every set you're doing is practicing like this.

Right.

And you walk out the one that matters. You're like, what am I doing? What do I do?

So what are you excited about doing, David, in the near term?

Okay.

That's a good one. I think movies are hard, but I like them if I like to do them right.

So what do you like about it?

I think I like when they come out.

When they're done.

When they're done?

You like when they come out?

Yeah, they're the process. They're kind of doing any of these. Sometimes they're fun to do, and then it's fun. But if. If you're just doing it for the money, which I've done in the past, if you're doing it, you don't love it. That's brutal.

I would admit that.

Yeah. Yeah.

But you can tell which ones. And, um. But when you get one that's like. Like the wrong missy that does. Well, that right becomes worldwide.

Yes.

And then Ted calls. Then you feel like, oh, one worked. And I really like when a comedy works. And you go, oh, it actually worked the whole way because the interesting was reading it and it's funny and it gets funnier. And doing scenes about halfway through, I go, wait, we still have these scenes that are supposed to be pretty funny. If it works, this actually might be good. And you never know. Something interesting about movies is no one has it solved, no one has it cracked, or they just make good movies. You cannot fucking predict.

If you go 100 movies AFI and you're looking to watch a movie.

God.

Or even like, best science fiction. They're like, ten good science fiction.

Let's just.

I mean, obviously comedies are category greatest comedies ever made or movies that we think are what we would call great comedic movies. That is a short list.

Right. What I was gonna say in terms.

Of the stand up, you say yours, and I'll agree.

Our first exposure, Jerry, to funniness.

Yeah.

Was probably Abbott Costello meets Frankenstein.

Yep.

And Jerry Lewis movies.

Meets Frankenstein.

Loves Lewis and Martin movies.

Yeah.

I remember those being big. So the fun of movies are like, you're making this movie and then you.

Think of, oh, you're like those guys.

Well, you're just. You're trying to do something like they did.

Yes.

Almost impossible.

And they didn't make every movie.

That was great.

No.

Abbott Costello goes to Mars.

The trick is you have to meet Frankenstein.

Those guys aren't. Their movies are not great. If you wanted to show an alien how funny Laurel and Hardy was, you're not going to show them the features. You're going to show them the shorts.

Well, here's. I have a. Okay, I won't say this question. How do you feel? Because someone was on the podcast recently, and it was Michael Keaton, and said as a kid, he didn't really get the three Stooges, you know, and then it. Now he loves.

Not a fan.

That was not a fan.

But I watched. I watched anyway because of Curly. Curly was so gifted. Such a genius.

Yes.

The original. The other two, especially Mo. You're not funny.

Well, they were in their early sixties when they started.

Mo would try to get them back on track, though.

Okay.

When things are. Things are going so wrong. Which is a lot of the time.

Exactly.

Yeah, go.

You have five.

I am not in any way comparing what I did in any way, shape or form, but I watched blazing saddles the other day and I felt like, oh, I'm in this universe. I'm in this universe.

This.

The reality tone of what I of this one is in that universe. Mel Brooks having a gov on the back of the jacket.

Yeah.

You know, the big band in the desert. You know, things that we know are not really happening, but we, like, punches the horse.

That's incredible.

Knocks out.

So.

Yeah.

Wow. I would probably have to go Marx brothers. I think the Marx brothers. Their pacing today is still quick.

Yes.

In the way they, because they worked.

It out on the road.

The pacing, the complexity of the bits, the physical bits with dialog. So I would pick one of theirs. There's a few, of course, that are great.

What about something like airplanes, sort of airplane.

Absolutely. Absolutely. You know, Manhattan, Woody, you know, I.

Don'T think it is funny. I don't know. It's midnight in Paris is, I think, a great Woody movie. And funny.

Great.

Absolutely great.

You know?

Yeah.

Can you, do you fight?

Yeah.

You know, the guy who played him?

Yeah, yeah.

No, and, you know, Owen Wilson was the perfect surrogate voice for Woody.

Yeah.

Incidentally, because Woody's like, Jim, shut that. No, you're a terrific woman. And then Owens, like, yeah, wonderful. I was just wondering if you maybe want to go to a museum today.

Was he in the Seinfeld? Not the. No, that Seinfeld sketch. Not the Woody Allen. I think that was.

What sketch?

We did a Woody Allen sketch.

Oh, really?

We did one with Jason, the one I saw. The day is today. You play the talk, the game show hosts with me and Schneider and Sand.

Stand up and win.

Yeah.

Stand up and win.

That's a huge one.

That was funny. The way you played the host was very, very funny.

How about when you're the teacher?

The energy's waning, guys.

I know. Where is it when you play the question? We're all in the audience.

Yeah, yeah.

And you go, what's the capital? And Farley goes like this. And you go, it's not. Germany goes. He puts his hand down. I think it was me, Sandler. I like seeing that. It showed up and I was like, oh, it's so fun to see old ones. It's like a group of everybody, right? And it's funny. And you were there and it's funny. Okay, that's it. I gotta go, Jerry. I gotta wrap this up. I got a million things going.

So, Jerry Seinfeld, what's, what's next?

Oh, what's next?

You've just done any modeling kith. Remember when you modeled?

That was it. Yeah.

A lot of people like that.

How do you do with reviews?

Because I love bad reviews. I love them.

You love bad reviews.

Yes.

Why wouldn't you hate it? It makes. Of course, I didn't make it for you particularly.

I made a movie that bombed in 1988. It's called Opportunity, Knox. And I'm just.

I remember opportunity knocks.

I'm casually talking to. I'm Cas. You do?

I didn't hear it when it was the best movie.

Yeah, it's a Wednesday. The movie's coming out Friday.

Yeah.

Bill Murray very seriously says to me, can you. Can you get out of the country? I mean, could you go to the woods? I mean, he's assuming the reviews will literally destroy me. Any way you could hike somewhere and just be away from all electronics. But, yeah, I got some bad ones.

Yeah.

But as comedians, it's not fair, because we have Iron man suits that we wear in show business, which. This was the biggest thing that I experienced doing this movie is seeing the lives of these actors and how different it is from our lives they are to have a house like this, like you have. They're sweating out each gig. I have to kill in this. This has to work or things.

Or that's it.

Or there could be a downturn. You and I, we don't think like that. Yes, we want our stuff to work, but you've got this metal Ironman suit that nobody can get off of you. You can go out and work. You can go out and wherever you want.

It was revolutionary to John Lovitz when I convinced him to try it.

Yeah.

How's he doing with it?

He loves it.

Good.

He goes, because the movies are. They edit. They cut my part, all that. Then he goes. He goes, I go to the club. They go, here's your dressing room. There's the stage. I do my time and they give me a check. You could not believe the arithmetic thing that stand up is.

It's kind of the most interesting thing about our careers is we lived through what it was at the beginning to what it is now. It changed underneath us.

Yes.

And I give Ted Serenos a tremendous amount of credit for this. He changed who comedians are in the culture. He changed, definitely.

I went on Burt Kreisner's podcast. He goes, I'm playing Berlin tomorrow night.

Wow.

These Netflix specials are global. Hundreds of millions of people.

Yeah.

God bless America.

All right. What? I'll just. My final thing. What are you gonna do the rest of the day? You're gonna go meditate to get energy?

I'll go meditate and I'll just. I gotta come up with a.

Well, you gotta do the show.

I'm doing weekend update.

Oh, this weekend?

I need a get, and I need a bit. I don't have a bit.

You don't have a bit? You don't have a booked.

You just say kinda, I won't do it if we don't. I'm gonna call Colin. Joe. So we're gonna try and come up with a bit. Right?

Okay.

What could you.

They've invited me. I mean, I have to do it because when your movie comes out and you're on SNL.

Good plug.

Officially, you know, the guy of the weekend. You want to be the guy of the weekend, right?

You absolutely should. I'm just starting to think of what you're really. What you could do.

But did you see the bit I did where the president of Pop Tarts calls me into the boardroom? Kelman P. Gasworth.

Yes.

I mean, was that in the actor, Jeff?

No, that was just a promotional bit.

I saw it.

Yeah.

Did you like it with the guy?

Jeff with the guy says, how do you feel?

Yeah, I know.

How do you feel? People just take your stuff and do whatever they want. I go, you mean like friends?

I didn't see that. I like, because he goes, I'm going to take your stuff.

Friends. The sitcom took stuff from Seinfeld.

Well.

We got our trender. That's all we needed.

Jerry.

That's going to go all over the world.

I saw that promo. And you need that. That stuff's floating around on Instagram.

Yeah.

So what do you do on there? Anything in the news lately?

Yeah.

Anything non protesting that's in the news lately?

Yeah.

Yeah. All right.

I'll hit you with some stuff later. I don't want to say.

Okay.

How does that stuff get written on the show?

I mean, the updates.

Yeah. Update gate.

You want to have somebody on just to do an update?

Yeah, usually. Usually it starts, like, right after probably the read through on Wednesday. You kind of. You would go to the update guy at the time, Herb Sargent, when I was there. I'm thinking to do an update thing. It just gets in the ether.

But if they say, we have Seinfeld this week, they might even say it earlier in the week. But if the writers are freed up after they wrote their sketches, they go, everybody, let's brainstorm.

Okay.

And we'll come in with three ideas.

Okay.

So I should say to them, see what you can cook.

You could have. If you could have Hugh Grant, you're doing something, and then Hugh Grant comes in. Probably.

Yeah.

But he also was, thank God, incredibly funny.

I love Hugh Grant.

Yeah, it just.

Something about that.

That's what men used to be.

The hard, hard drinking and fun.

Just.

Yeah.

Collar open, broad shoulders. Everything I wanted to. Yeah, well, yeah, he's got really nice shoulders.

Yes.

Well, he looked good. He had the horns on and.

Yeah.

All right.

Comedians, you know, Nate Bargazzi has good shoulders. Almost no comedians have good shoulders. I can't.

I was thinking about this the other night.

Sandler.

I don't know.

I'm just.

Sandler had good shoulders when he was younger.

Younger. But now there's our second rude. You really notice shoulders. That's your update bit.

Okay.

Little shoulders. J shoulders.

Yeah.

And you had them.

I never had.

Jay had.

I never had them.

Yeah.

Comedian shoulders.

Here's.

Here's this comic shoulders. Seven out of ten. Here's this comment. And just go, I know you've probably already done this at home, but I'm gonna go through it, you guys. And then we say, who's got weak shoulders?

Yeah.

And you'll never work the relationship between the shoulder and the hip, because if you have shoulders, then you have.

What else do you need when you're.

Young, if you have really good shoulders.

Everyone'S gonna like you.

Right?

Yeah.

Right. Everyone's checking their shoulders.

You're gonna get gigs. You're gonna get.

You're gonna get everything.

Get free food.

Yeah. Yeah.

People love big shoulder, guys. Little shoulders, not so much. Rickles surprised me. I saw him once with his shirt off. Jack shoulders.

Jack Solo flex in his dressing room.

Deej.

All right, so I got a pee.

That's enough.

We did a good job.

Thank you.

That was as good as we thought it would be.

It is.

It's great.

This has been a presentation of Odyssey. Please follow, subscribe, leave a. Like a review, all this stuff. Smash that button, whatever it is, wherever you get your podcasts, fly on the wall is executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade, Jenna Weiss Berman of Odyssey, Charlie Finan of Brillstein Entertainment, and Heather Santoro. The show's lead producer is Greg Holtzman.