Transcript of 4: Heroin or Heroine

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That's True Crime Obsessed wherever you're listening right now. Blink is intended for mature audiences as it discusses topics that can be upsetting, such as drug use, sexual assault, and emotional and physical violence. In this particular episode, pregnancy and child loss is also mentioned. Content warnings for each episode are included in the show notes. Resources for drug addiction and domestic abuse can be found in the show notes, and on our website, blinkthepodcast. Com. The testimonies and opinions expressed by guests of the show are their own and do not necessarily reflect the views of myself or affiliates of this podcast. Love. It's the promise of warmth, comfort, and safety, isn't it? It's a force that we're all drawn to as if we're hardwired to crave it. Everyone deserves to be loved, but love does have a dark side. Choosing who we let close, who we let into the quietest, most fragile corners of our lives, it's a risk. But the idea of finding someone who seems perfect, who knows just what to say, who makes you feel seen and safe, understood, Loved. Well, that makes it all worth it, right? But sometimes, instead of safety, we find betrayal.

Sometimes, the hand you hold can be the hand that pulls you under. Love Love is a gamble, and it could cost you everything. This is Blink. I'm your host, Corinne Vien. I'm Jake Handle.

This is my story. I was working as a Sioux chef in Hudson Mass at a place called the Horseshoe Pub. This place had 150 beers on tap, I think a total of 900 beers. They were trying to be a gastro pub doing this fancy-ish food paired with these beers. I was a nicotine addict, and I was smoking a cigarette in the back. This girl pulls in on a Harley motorcycle. I could tell she was cute. There was three spots, the dumpster and this door, and I'm smoking at the door next to the dumpster. She parked in one of the spots. I'm like, Is she coming here? The back door, she's not a customer. And I had never seen her. I had worked there for a while. She gets off her bike and walks in the employee entrance right by me. And I was like, Hey, or something, and she was like, Hi. It walks right in. I just said to myself, I'm like, Who the fuck is that? This chick's riding a Harley. It's like, badass. I had a friend working in the kitchen, too. I remember asking, and I was like, Yo, who's that girl?

That's Ellen. She goes by El. She works once a month, tends bar on a Friday night, and makes more money than we make in a week.

A few weeks went by, Jake continued working in the kitchen, seeing Ellen every few weeks.

I just remember feeling like she was spending more time in the kitchen than she needed to. And towards the end of the night, she was on there and I was like, Hey, I'm like, We should hang out sometime. And she was like, Yeah. And I'm like, Can I get your number? And she was like, Yeah.

They exchanged numbers, and a few weeks later, Jake made another move, and he texted Ellen.

Hey, this is Jake. Are you doing anything tonight? And she was like, Yeah, I got plans, but definitely want to hang out real soon.

Another week went by, and this time, Ellen reached out, inviting Jake to a show with her in Boston.

And I remember jokingly said, Are you going to pick me up on your motorcycle. She was like, Ha ha, no. I'll pick you up in a car. I remember feeling like I got to get some heroine in my system so I don't feel dope sick, but I don't want to do it around her. I got high, obviously, before, and then I walked out of the hotel to wait to get picked up.

At this point, Jake was living in another extended stay hotel after leaving the apartment that he'd previously shared with his brother Max, post their big blowout fight.

I'm taken back because there was a guy driving, and she's in the passenger seat and gets out of the car. Am I the third wheel here? Is this her boyfriend? I have no idea. I just remember her cranking her neck. We're talking a lot, and the guy is not... I'm a friendly dude, so I'm trying to include him in the convo, too. What are you... I can feel energy, and I can just tell this dude's not happy that I'm in the back of his car. I just remember him talking a lot about selling drugs, what a big drug dealer he was. It was I saw it after occupation. It was so cool. In my head, I'm thinking, what dude who's really in the game just advertises this shit? What is he talking about?

They get to the show, and it's an EDM concert at a club in Cambridge, Massachusetts.

I buy her a drink or whatever, and he goes to see some other friends, finally. She's like, Oh, this dude keeps following me around like a puppy dog. I'm like, Oh, you don't like that? Who is he? She was like, Just like a friend. He's been wanting to date me for a while, but it's not going to happen. She goes, Okay, just one thing I got to ask you before we get going here. Do you do opiates? Do you do heroin? And I'm like, Whoa, what a question. I answered probably within three seconds, but it was like time slowed down. I thought to myself, I'm like, well, you got two options here because I really did like her. Without even knowing her, I was attracted to her. I was like, you got two options here. You can be a total piece of shit in life, or you can tell her the truth and probably eliminate your chances. I was actively trying to get my shit together, so it was like the lie sounded okay. Yeah, I lied. I was like, Well, I've done it, but I don't do it. She goes, Oh, good. Because I like you.

What a fucking dick I am. I just totally lied to this dick. She went into telling me about all the people she knows that I've OD'd on these opiates. Particularly, she wasn't against drugs. She did drugs. We took ecstasy shortly after this conversation. But the opiates, yes, she was against that.

Later that evening, Jake recalls that Ellen asked him to go outside for a smoke. She didn't smoke, but it was an opportunity for the two of them to be alone.

And that's when I made the move. I was like, You wanted to just get out of here?

Only problem, this was pre-ride share days, and the guy who drove them here was certainly not going to be cool with dropping the two of them off together.

This is where being a drug dealer comes in cool. I remember I had my phone on silent and I was getting blown up. I probably had like 400 texts of people being like, Yo, I need... Can you meet Where are you at? I need, I need, I need. But I'm on a date. I'm not answering, not around. Anyway, taking my phone real quick. I'm like, Most reliable... Who do I like the most on this list? Dude sent me 20 text, and I was like, Dude, I got whatever you want, but here's the trick. You can't say anything about it, and you got to pick me and this girl up in Boston and drive us wherever we got to go. He's like, on it, dude. See in 30 minutes, I'm like, sick. And he had a sick sports car, pimp.

I asked Jake at this point if he'd carrying drugs on him at this time? How was he going to do this deal? And did he regularly cart this stuff around?

Yeah. Not bagged up, but I had probably a 10-gram package, $4,000 value or something. We're both rolling face in the back of this car, looking at the lights. I just remember us making out in the back and touchy feely. Get out of the car. She goes to get something in her car. That's when I quickly... I was like, Yo, you got a piece of paper, a dollar bill or something. And I just poured a shitload of powder out, and I was like, Here, take it. Get out of Yeah, I probably gave him $700 worth or something for that ride. I didn't care though.

They get a ride back to Jake's car, which was parked at the restaurant where they both worked. Ellen then returned from her car, and Jake remembers her asking if he would be interested in walking her back to her house.

It was like a five or six mile walk, but it was the best walk ever. We talk for two hours about everything.

The two get back to her house, which was her parents house, and Jake recalls that Ellen then invited him into her room. Despite getting all the signals to move forward, Jake took it really slow that night. He did not make any more moves.

I didn't want to fuck it up with her because I liked her so much. I wanted to have a relationship with her.

The next morning, Ellen woke in a panic. She was late for work, so she had to leave and take off. Jake, without his car and with a dead phone, shared her he would be okay. She could leave. He walked around lost for about eight miles before finally getting to a place where he could charge his phone. Then he hit up another client offering drugs and exchange for a ride.

That day when she got off work, she texted me. From that day on, we never spent a day apart, actually. There was this bar in the same Plaza of Horseshoe Pub, and it was a Not a place I would typically go, but she liked it there. It had pool tables. One thing I learned quickly, she was really good at pool. She told me, I play people in a pool for drinks. We won't pay for a single drink all night. She would hustle these people so good. For money, too. She was really cool. She drives a Harley, sick of pool. She likes to have fun. Fun.

This is giving Hallmark movie, Written by a Man.

She told me that she owned a house and had just sold it to buy an RV because she was about to tour the country, an RV. That's fucking awesome. And I remember being like, Man, that'd be so good for me to get out of here and get away from all these drugs. I mean, that's a selfish I thought, I also love this girl, but how crazy would that be if I got myself actually clean? Over this first two weeks, I drastically cut down on my dope use. I found myself so just happy, I guess, with her that the early onset of dope sickness was being very much put off. I was so into it that I'd be like, Wow, I've been thought about dope in 10 hours, and I feel fine. My drug dealing took a hit, which I wasn't mad about. I felt it financially, but I didn't care.

Isn't this the plot to so many romance movies? Troupled Man and Lonely Woman Meet. Man changes for the better because of his love for the woman. And yeah, it's a little cliché, but obviously, the movie characters, they need to encounter some obstacles along the way, right? And in Jake and Ellen's case, there was a decent obstacle right off the bat. Something that, when uncovered, would be the climax in this film.

Relationship definitely started on a lie. And for being totally honest, I mean, she portrayed herself as having it going on, like own a house on her own, multiple jobs, this RV, very financially independent. I just felt like, what the fuck do I really have going on?

Ellen asked Jake why he was living at the hotel. He explained his brother's struggle with mental illness, and Jake had spent some time at his dad's house, too. Ellen asked him whose house that was.

I was like, Oh, it's mine. Threw to that lie out there.

I mean, hey, what's another lie, right? Interesting plot point, building tension. When will we see the female character discover her love interest lies? Oh, wait, this is not a movie. This is Jake's actual life. So why did he lie?

I'm trying to portray that I was on her level, I suppose, when in reality my life was on a downward slope in the last year.

And Jake continued to work on his image, showing Ellen the good in him while trying to secretly work on fixing all the things he knew were bad.

I feel like Jake was looking for some legitimacy. Like her parents had a nice home on the lake and all the stuff. I think he wanted to show her that he had some stability, so he wanted her to meet me and my wife. And we did. I remember he reengaged, I think, at that point. Not that we'd been completely cut off, but he became a little more... For a month or two, he became more family-oriented. She seemed very polite. She wasn't afraid of like, Oh, here's my fiancé's parents. Are they going to like me? She was just herself. I remember the phone call.

He called me and he said, I met someone.

Our name is L. He just sounded so happy on this call. I hadn't heard him sound so happy in a really long time. I said, How do you feel about her? He said, I'm crazy about her. That's when the relationship started with L. I remember she was so pretty and super upbeat. Such a great impression. She just seemed so together otherwise. We were wondering, what's this woman doing with Jake? It's not that Jake didn't have great potential, but that potential seemed to be forgotten and left behind. And yet here's this amazing, beautiful woman with great energy, Joanne Reeve. Is it that- Joanne Reeve. Joanne Reeve. I'd never took French. It just seemed to be a disconnect. And he's a stoner.

So Jake wasn't the only one wondering why Ellen was with him. But the full picture started to unfold a bit more as the two continued to see each other.

Come to find out, her parents bought her this house. Yeah, her name was on it. She owned a small amount of equity in it. Whatever. It doesn't matter. There were lies on both sides, I guess. This RV thing gets… I'm like, So what's the plan here? I've always wanted to visit all these states, and I bought this RV, and I thought it was called the Queen Victoria. It was from 1970. It needed work. She also had a part-time job at a motorcycle shop, which I also thought was sick. This RV was parked there, and the guy who owned the shop was doing work to it. I'm like, What's the plan? She's like, Well, I'm going to drive from here down south. She had a playlist for every state, go through Alabama and swing through the tip of Florida, had more Southwest or Texas. I'm going to end in Seattle. I'm like, Why Seattle? This was another thing she kept from me until this point. She was like, Well, there's this guy out there He's like a DJ, and we'd been together off and on for years. He has substance abuse issues and can be a dick.

I'm trying to remember what she said exactly, but that was the gist. She's like, I'm going to end there and stay out there for a while. Maybe I'll get back with him or maybe I'll come home. I don't know. I don't know exactly what said out loud. Maybe nothing yet.

Hearing this, my own heart dropped a bit. It reminded me of some of those past potential relationships that I thought were progressing, only to find out that, yeah, I was B-list. I was a situation relationship, unknowingly cast on my own version of The Bachelor. But this Seattle guy didn't really deter Jake from continuing to pursue Elle or potentially joining her for a leg of the trip.

I think infatuated is the word because every moment of my day, I'm thinking about her.

Ellen was extremely thoughtful. He felt very seen, very cared for. Jake recalls a time when Ellen decided to surprise him by cleaning his car while he was at work. Jake left me with some sound advice when setting up this part of the story. Never clean a drug dealer's car if you don't want to be disappointed.

I never seemed meant. Fucking piece of shit, liar. What is this? You think I don't know what this is? I asked you the first day we met, first day we hung out, do you do opiates? What did you say? I'm like, Fuck, yeah. I'm trying to quit. I'm so sorry. Why'd you lie? I didn't want to blow it with you day one. I really fucking like you, and I'm really trying to get clean. She just railed in to me for a while. I I was like, I deserve it. I deserve it. Thing with drugs, it's something you are never honest about ever, and you're used to hiding from everyone. I was never able to be fully honest. Even when she claimed she wanted, I don't know if this is true, but be fully honest with me about this. I couldn't do it. I was partially honest about something Mom. It came a point where I couldn't even go to the bathroom without her. What are you doing in there? What are you doing in there? Probably 70% of the time, I was sneak and hit or something. It actually started making me do more. Anyway, still looking forward to this RV trip.

I was like, Look, I want to go with you. We can go to Seattle, but I want to be with you. I I love you. I won't be able to do drugs. I might be sick for a while, but it'll work. Anyway, it was like a plan. We were going together. I even noticed how our to pop. It was one of those stomach-dropping decisions. I felt like, Oh, wow, this is real. I gave notice, and I started putting money into the RV in time and making fixes. I remember I mounted 50-inch TV to our master bedroom in the RV. It was sick. Then I got her pregnant a month away before her departure. Oh, shit. I always wanted to be a dad. The way she told me there was this picture, it looks like a pencil drawing, and she holds it of tearing eyes and then turns it around and it's written, I'm pregnant on it. I thought it was really cute, actually. I was like, Why are you so sad? Is this not a good thing? She's like, Well, I don't know what you want. I'm like, Well, I don't know what you want, but if you want, I want.

I love you. It's your choice. Yeah, that's how I feel. It's Even if I really want it, it's our choice. Hugged her because this RV trip is like, Do we go? Do we not? I was like, Fuck. I got to get a clean. I got to save money. I got to get your job. I had always told myself, Stop doing drugs when I have a kid or I hit 30, one of the other. Now, we never got to see if it'd live up to that totally. Three and a half months in, she was in miscarriage, and it fucking crushed me. Obviously, her, too. I went off the deep end. Things weren't perfect between me and Ellen. I just remember us arguing. I don't know. I was very sad, and I what I do best in those times of depression. I go to self-medicating, and this whole be prepared to be a father went out the window immediately. First thing I did is I went to the bar, started drinking pretty hard, and started doing heroine in the bar's bathroom, just getting fucked up. I don't think I was too responsive to her calls in this time where I should have been there for her.

I was fully back into the heroine opiate use and drinking heavy. I stopped giving a fuck about hiding any drug use. I would smoke this shit in front of her. I didn't give a shit. That's when our relationship really got fucked up. Our relationship just got bad. Talking about breaking up bad. We haven't had fun in a long time. I'm like, Let's go out. I'll get us a hotel. Let's give this one last shop. One of my favorite places, always been my favorite place, still is Liberty Hotel in Boston. Ironically, right next to the Newer ICU I was in for a long time.

The Liberty Hotel, what is now a lavish luxury hotel, used to be the old Charles Street Jail, built in 1848. It was eventually closed in 1990 due to overcrowding, cruel and unusual punishment of the prisoners and inhumane conditions, but not before housing some notable inmates like Malcolm X and Boston's Whitey Bolger. Now it's operating as a hotel, and it still plays into its history, so has the original catwalks encircling the lobby and a bar called The Alibi with celebrity mug shots lining the walls. Oh, and it's haunted, my favorite place. It also was a really great nightlife scene, so Jake's favorite place.

It was going to have a nice dinner. I'll get a sweet. You love it there. We check in, but she's not feeling it. In liberty fashion, our hotel room phone rings. It's seven o'clock And they're like, This is automated call from Liberty. There is a party in the lobby tonight from 9: 00 to 2: 00 AM. Feel free to come. Complementary first round drink. And I'm like, There's a party tonight. We should definitely hit that up. We go down there. It's filling up and it's early. It's like 9: 00. And she's like, This is sick. Should we get that? Should we get that acid? And I'm like, You want to trip? It's a little fucking wild for me right now, but if you want, I'm down. We go to the car, we get the acid in Molly. We stop by the room, have a drink, and She takes, I think, a tab, and I take a tab. Then she used to buy it by the sheet or something, which is like 100 hits. She would shave a little bit with a razor her off each tab. I don't know if it was just really strong, which it was, but she would make each hit a little small.

Anyway, bottom of this bag have all of these shavings. She's like, You want any of these shavings? I'm like, No. I turned around and she's got this wad. She dumped all these shavings in her mouth. I'm like, Oh, my God. You just took five hits. You're going to be tripping out of your mind. She's like, Is it a lot? I'm like, You're okay, though. It's cool. Deep down, I'm like, Oh, fuck. We go back down to lobby party and the walls start moving. It's really decorative in there. We're just bouncing around room to room in Liberty, just tripping out. Down in Alibi, they have a private DJ, and we head in the back, we have this private table and we're just frôling and tripping and touching each other's hair. We're in our own world. I duck off to the bathroom at one point, take a few hits of dope, and they hit me super hard because I was tripping so hard. We just have this really fantastic night. We go back to the room and we have this wild passionate sex. I mean, real intense love making sex, right? She's just like, I think I'm pregnant.

I'm like, Really? You can tell? And she's like, Yeah, I think you just got me pregnant. Pregnant. I'm just thinking in my head, is that even a thing? I don't know how many weeks later, she was pregnant, and they told her how far along she was. She looked in the calendar and she's like, I think it was that night I said I got pregnant, and we're pregnant again. Got to clean up my act for real. Got to stack dough, and now I got to get a job. She just has to talk with me and she's like, I envisioned me being married before I had a baby. I'm like, Let's get married. She's like, Yeah, but I don't want to be showing in my wedding dress. I'm like, Let's get married soon. She's like, Yeah, but I want a big wedding. I'm like, Well, let's have a big wedding. I go, Let's do it on New Year's Eve. It was like two months away. Boom, we're getting married all of a sudden, It's all happening so fast. We're planning a New Year's Eve, Wonder Wonderland wedding at a private golf club. It's all happening so fast.

Long story short, she has a a miscarriage, two, three weeks before the wedding. Man, the wedding cake was going to double as a gender reveal. History repeats itself. I'm abusing in our trucks again. It's like, do we cancel the wedding? She's miserable. I'm pretty miserable. We got married. It was a really good wedding. That was the only day I did not do opiates. I didn't even drink that much. I think I had one champagne toast.

As a wedding gift, Jake's uncle, Michael, gave them a week's stay at his rental property in Cape Cod, a beautiful Chatham Beach house with its own private beach.

And we went down there, and that's when my new wife was like, I want to know what this heaven's all about. I want to know why you're so addicted. I want something. And I'm like, No. It is so addicting because it's so fucking addicting. The last The next thing I'm going to do is subject someone who doesn't have an addiction to this. I'm not doing it. She was like, You're such a hypocrite asshole. How are you going to tell me? I can't. That's unfair. I want to understand why you're so wrapped up in this. I want to do it. I'm like, No, I'm not giving it to you. She's like, Fine, I'll go get it myself. I'm like, No, don't fucking do It sucks. I wish I never did this shit. It is so addicting. I really wanted to not allow this, but I just remember I threw the bag on the table and I was like, Fine. Do it. I'm out of here. And I went to a different room in the house, and she did it the entire week. It was day four or something. She woke up and felt dope sick, really dope sick.

She woke me up crying, and she was like, I'm shaking. This stuff is so bad. I fucking hate you. I want to leave. I want to get out of here. I fucking hate you. Herbal. I mean, I'm like the worst. The worst thing with that drug is introducing someone to it. I mean, even as someone who sold it, I mean, I never sold someone who wasn't addicted for financial gain. There's this cinematic picture in my head. There's always that depiction of that scumbag dude who probably at one point was a decent person, probably still is, but these drugs cloud you. That was my first experience feeling like I'm that dude that has introduced someone to the most addicting substance on planet Earth, and it happens to be my new wife. I felt so small, so horrible. God almost wanted to tell her, Mom, I was worried that she would continue, honestly. And once you're addicted, you're addicted. I mean, there's no one in the world that could stop you. She would be out there going to miss her by herself. And then I'd be in a position where I don't want her to get a hot dose.

I didn't know what a hot dose was, and Jake said it's when it's laced with fentanyl.

That's the shit you do from.

Jake also expressed his concerns about all the things that could happen to her when seeking out this drug. She could be robbed. She could be propositioned for sex. She could be seriously harmed. Heroin was very dangerous, yes, but obtaining heroin could also be very dangerous. Dangerous.

Maybe I was wrong, but I always felt like I had a good head on my shoulders, even wrapped up in this. I never wanted to really hurt anyone like that. I knew what was too far. I think this roots from my depression and the way I... Not the way I was brought up, but the way I dealt with things on my own and grew handling my grief. I just was like, What I'm doing is hurting me and only me, and I'm okay with that. You can definitely say, and I'll take it, you were a drug dealer. You contributed to this huge problem, which I definitely did. But I have to say some of the most hardcore people I knew people that I would say, I'm not sure if they'll ever get cleaned. Honestly, I'm one of these people that I know I said when I have a kid, but after two miscarriages, I wasn't sure if I'd ever get cleaned. But a lot of these people that I would be like, they're never going to get... They did. So, yeah, it's rare, though. I was very worried for my wife at this time. Luckily, she just didn't do it again.

I hate It's worth it to me even more.

Drugs are tricky. It's an ugly world, and for many, it involves moments of complete desperation and humiliation. When someone drags you into something like that, it doesn't just leave a mark, it breaks something inside of you. You can feel completely trapped, completely hopeless. And when the perfect situation presents itself, the things you'll do to escape that feeling, well, it can become unimaginable. In that place where morality blurs and fear controls every move, the line between protecting yourself and destroying someone else can vanish. And what then is left of the person you once were? There may not be redemption for the people in this story. No triumphant escape, just a haunting truth. That when we're dragged into darkness, sometimes we become the very monsters we're running from. And maybe in the end, that is where the real danger lies. Thank you for listening to Blink. This podcast is hosted and produced by me, Corinne Vienne, alongside my co-creator and survivor, Jay Candle. Our original music is composed by the brilliant and talented Michael Margay. We're so grateful for your support. If you enjoyed this episode, please consider rating, reviewing, and sharing this story with others. For additional resources, updates, and behind-the-scenes content, visit our website, blankthepodcast.

Com. Blink will return with a new episode next Sunday.