Transcript of Armchair Anonymous: Unauthorized Evacuation

Wndri Plus subscribers can listen to Armchair Expert early and ad-free right now. Join WNDRI Plus in the WNDRI app or on Apple podcast, or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcast. Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dax Sheppard, and I'm joined by Lily Padman. Hi. Hi. Today, we have our very favorite prompt. We try to use it sparingly, but every time we use it, I go, I don't know why we don't use it more because this one somehow Blue past episodes that can't be blown past.

I agree. There's the potential that we heard the craziest story we've heard or the most shocking all is.

Yeah, it's the craziest.

Also, this particular group of armchairs, all four were incredible. They were incredible. Really special, fun group.

I'm even thinking about trying to develop a friendship with the last person. Excuse me. Bless you, heart. It was a cough. I know, but still, I thought you were dying. But may you find your way to heaven. Take him into your heart. In his name we pray. Stop. He has risen. Yeah, this one is fucking unhinged. Can we say that? I guess we can't say crazy, but can we say unhinged? It's so good. It's so, so good. Please enjoy potentially our best unauthorized evacuation.

I'm Afwa Hirsch.

I'm Peter Frankerpen.

In our podcast, Legacy, we explore the lives of some of the biggest characters in history.

This season, we're looking at the life of the most famous Queen of France, Marie-Antoinette.

Her death is seemingly more well known than her life, but her journey from the daughter of the Austrian Emperor to becoming the most hated woman in France is just as fascinating.

We're going to look at the ways in which her story was distorted during the French Revolution and dig deeper into her real experiences in a troubled, difficult time.

Marie-antoinette is one of the most well-recognized but least well-understood names in history.

We'll talk about how her death led to the way that she was spoken about in the 19th, 20th, and 21st centuries. Follow Legacy now from wherever you get your podcasts.

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Bunk.

Bunk.

Bunk. Hey, Michael, what are you doing?

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Bunk. I see. What does my bank pay?

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Hello.

Jonathan, are you standing on a box or are you 6'8?

You're close. I'm just north of 6'9.

Holy smokes. No. Congratulations. You're above the door frame.

Thank you. Worked on it my whole life.

That's very exciting.

How many years did it take you to hit 6'9?

Probably 23, but I'm 33 now.

And did you make use of this height? Did you do anything that lent itself? Did you play basketball or anything?

I played basketball a little bit, and then I stopped playing, and then I lost everything. So no.

Wait, what do you mean you lost everything? The skills. Oh, your skills.

I tried to play basketball right now and tried to jump. I'm pretty sure my knees would just evaporate.

I'm excited to see how your height is going to impact the evacuation.

Oh, that's a great point. Yeah, it raises the stakes.

It will. It plays an adjacent role.

Okay, great. Walk us through this unfortunate It's a unfortunate event.

It took place in 2010, 2011. I was a sophomore or junior in college. That college is UMass Amherst. I live in Massachusetts. One thing that school is known for is it's really big. There's a lot of people that go there. Another thing is it's dining food is really good. It's number one, number two in the country, at least when I was there.

Really?

I was a student employee there. I worked at the largest dining common on the campus, and I worked at the Sushi station, which sounds pretty bougey, but the student employees would roll sushi. Then I also worked, I think it was called tepignaki. It's basically a big flat top grill with thick noodles, and I would just throw the noodles on, throw the veggies on. There's a spicy paste called, I think it's like gochujang, probably saying that wrong, but I love it. It's like a red taste. Really good. And so I would make up a lot of that and then parcel it into this individual dishes and put them out, and then students would come and grab them.

Jonathan, can I just... I know you probably get so sick of talking about your height, but what I'm immediately concerned about is that grill top was probably built for someone that was 5'9. I imagine cooking on that grill was probably terrible on your back. Did your back kill when you would have shifts?

The first issue I faced was the fan hood overhead. That would take the exhaust. It'd have a nice sharp corner on the excess of it. My freshman year took a nice head shot off that, and then from there was very aware of its surroundings.

Yeah, you need to walk around with a helmet.

Other reasons, too. But yeah, for sure, a high-related thing.

Okay, I got worried about you. Okay, so you're popping noodles on this grill top.

My shift is always a dinner shift. It was like 4:00 to 9:00. And for about half hour running my shift, I take my dinner. Usually, if I was working there, I'd make a big old plate of that noodles, load up on the gochujet because I liked it, go eat, come back to work, clean up, and then head back to my dorm. Usually, full disclosure, So by the time I got back to my dorm, that's about time when the spice would make its way through, and off I go.Clockwork. So this night, had my dinner, went back to work, and then was cleaning up and started to feel some grumbling inside. And I thought, We're okay, we can finish up the shift and head home and clean up a little bit more. And then we thought, okay, let's just be smart here. Let's be proactive. Let's go find the bathroom and head out. It was the end of the night, so a lot of students were leaving. It was closing. The bathroom was occupied near the front of the building. So I said, that's fine. We have an employee bathroom down opposite end of the whole building.

So I had downstairs, employee entrance side. There's the laundry room, there's the freezers where all the food's kept. Hustle past all that. It's the end of the night. That's occupied to by some student employee.

You've just spent a lot of your time crossing this building. At this point, you're probably thinking like, God damn it, if I just had it home, I might be there by now.

Yep, but I still need to clock out. And so at that point, there's a little bit of panic. Not a lot yet. So I start heading the other way. Maybe that bathroom is now open. Obviously, make it all the way back up the stairs. It's not. We're fully in a panic mode. We start heading back downstairs, and we're like, All right, maybe that one's going to be open. In my head, we know it's not. So we start thinking, What's around me? And earlier, I walked past the laundry room. So we duck into the laundry room. We close the door and we assess the situation. What's in here? What can I make use of? There is a sink, a washer, a dryer, a mop bucket, a trash bucket, and we think, what would I cause the least collateral damage?

You're about to shit in public in a closet, but you're still a gentleman.

I'm not looking to ruin anyone else's day but mine. Yeah. But the decision was then made for me as I was weighing the options and the cork has been popped.

Oh, okay.

Oh, my God. Oh, wow.

Lava flows out.

Hold on a second.

You're staring at a bucket?

We're weighing decisions. These are decisions to be made, and they were not made in time.

It sounds like you had decision anxiety or decision fatigue. But I also want to point out because I know you so well, Monica. When you heard that the cork popped, I felt like you got a little PQ. Did you get a- No.

No, I did not.

I don't know you as well as I thought I did.

I felt it viscerally because when I talk it. Okay.

Train left the station at this point mentally. So I am very tall. My pants in-team is 38 inches. So I figured, okay, there's a lot of capacity here to be filled up. Sure. We're safe. The damage is done. The toothpaste is out of the tube, and we're just like, let's just go clock out.

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. No, let's not just clock out. Your pants are full of shit. We want to lock the doors somehow. We want to turn them inside out, get it in that bucket. Maybe, I don't know, we're going to try to mop up the inside of the pants.

There's a washing machine there. I might wash and stay.

I might just spend the whole evening dealing with this. But did you make any attempt to fasten the ends of your pants?

I shoved the bottom of the pants into the shoes. We're hopefully a self-contained system here. Okay.

Closed-loop system. This is smart. It must be a smart school.

Well, he's smart. You can tell.

Technically, on a degree, but barely.

Wait, what color were the pants?

Dark jeans. Okay, that's good. That's what you want.

You'd prefer black, but sure.

So, yeah, I go clock out and I make my way amongst the crowd to head out. It's still pretty busy, but I'm walking like a cowboy that just got off a long horse ride or something. I'm trying to be nonchalant about it, but you know.

Also, can I add, again, I know I keep talking about your height, but it's like you're not able to blend in. Whatever you're doing is going to be observed. If you got a crazy walk, people are going to be like, Look at that tall guy with the crazy walk.

Also, your butt is like at most people's faces.

That's where the danger comes in.

Really unfortunate for them at this point. Bad on a normal day terrible today. We're walking up the front stairs amongst the crowd. We crossed 100 or so yards to my dorm room. We get upstairs, shower. Those pants, obviously, destroyed the room in the trash in the trash room immediately. I went to bed. At this point, I thought, That's the end of the story. But unfortunately, that's just part one. Oh, no. Oh, wow. Part two, next day. We fast forward to this shift again, getting set up in the sushi area. Some of the student employees just talking, say hi, we catch up and then one of them said, Hey, did you hear about Mike? Mike is the guy who worked at the nearby station. And she starts laughing and she says, He broke his arm. I say, I don't know why that's a funny bit of information to tell me, but sure. She's like, No, he flipped and fell when leaving work last night. I was like, I I don't understand why this is hilarious to you. No. He said, No, no, no. He flipped on the stairs on poop.

Stop it.

No.

I'm not about to take full blame for this because we don't know 100% that someone else didn't have a story right after this.

That's right. Plausible deniability.

Well, at first glance, I was like, This is crazy. This is you. It's your fault. And now you're trying to shirk your responsibility. But what I will say in your defense is other people ate the same noodles that fucked up your butt. So maybe multiple people shit their pants that day. That's a good argument. And you already said it's a huge school.

I don't think it was yours.

I just think if you have 46,000 students, probably on any given day, one or two people have shit their pants.

I don't think it would have escaped the shock. You would have noticed it.

Little morse of the shame, Pauli now. You don't know.

You fucking broke your coworker's arm. What a It's a turn.

Allegedly. He had to cast up to his arm, the right angle cast for a couple of months.

Fuck, you really got him.

Oh, no, and he probably wasn't able to work. No, he's fine. He's fine.

You probably got a lot of attention, got a date.

If I broke my arm on somebody's poop, oof.

Really quick, though, I have follow-up questions. How did they know it was shit?

The smell and the look of it.

It was on his shoes.

Okay, that makes a lot of sense. I I'm not sure if people would have assumed someone brought a dog in.

But the dining common?

I'm trying to help you here. I don't know why you're pushing back so hard.

It was the stairs at the dining. Oh, no, it's definitely you.

No, it's you. And I'm your defense attorney. I need you to shut up and let me paint the case for you. Oh, my God. By the way, we'll probably have a prompt in the future that's like, Tell us about a crazy way you broke a bone. We might talk to Mark.

Let's write that down. That's a great idea. That'd be pretty funny. Did you come clean? Oh, no.

First time anyone has heard this story in my life. My wife here, I said I got approved for this prompt, and she's like, What prompt? And I didn't answer. She said, What prompt? At the end of this, we love to say hi, but we don't know what face we're going to get.

Okay, it's all coming clear to me now. Does he remind you as well of that great comedian?

He reminds me of Zack Woods. Yeah.

Do people tell you that? Yeah. That's flattering.

Oh, He's hilarious.

Yeah, he's also really good-looking. I'll take it. Okay. Well, we'd love to talk to your wife. I want to see what gal you wrangled with this wreckage in your past. She's pretty cute. It's going to lower his head to get up. Oh, my God.

He did have to. Yeah. Fuck.

Well, we heard him killing her. We've never seen her. Oh, there's a child. Oh, yeah.

Hi. Oh, my gosh. I can't believe it's you guys.

Hi there.

Who's Who's this Cutie pie?

Who's this little redhead?

She was wondering who Daddy was talking to in the closet.

No one. Don't worry about it. Just a good story.

Princess Anna's husband. That's who Daddy's talking to.

Big fans of frozen over here.

That carries a lot of weight in this house.

Well, you guys, happy holidays. What a great story. He almost killed a man by shitting his pants.

He won't tell me anything. I have to wait to listen.

Oh, this is exciting. Don't ruin it.

I just ruined the plot twist.

Did you guys meet in college? College?

No, we actually met high school. We didn't know each other. But we're not high school sweethearts. Correct. We reunited during college.

At a bar in your hometown or at a reunion?

Actually, exactly. At a Trivia. Yeah, a little Irish bar in our hometown where kids played Trivia their high school because they were living at home with their parents.

Can I say that's a great group? If you're going to meet someone at a bar, do it at a Trivia Night.

I agree. Put that degree to use.

Yeah, we were pretty good, too. So we decided to get married.

Nice.

Do you guys continue to compete in Trivia? Not much.

We have two little ones now, so it's harder to get out for Trivia Night.

Yeah, you're fucked for about seven more years. It's a good trade-off. It is.

Thanks for chatting with us.

That was great. Thank you so much.

All right. Take care, you guys. All right. Bye-bye. Bye. What a great- He was hilarious. We love him, right?

We were just talking about red heads. I know. A little red head. I should ask if she had dimples.

Hello? Hi. Sorry. I don't know why my video is not working.

Let's get that video crack in.

What's happening?

You know your voice without video accompaniment, you could be nine.

I was like, did Lincoln call?

I get that a lot. You'll have to guess how old I am.

Oh, this is a fun game. It's starting with a mystery. But I also want to see you.

You can try disconnecting and reconnecting. Oh, Rob says, disconnect and reconnect. See if that works.

Okay, I'll be back.

Hopefully see you in a few.

I think she's going to be 29.

I think she's 72.

She's 13.

I think she's six. No wonder she can't figure out how to get the video to work. She's six.

If she's six, also an author RISE evacuation is not that funny.

It's like what one today. Like obvious. That'd be funny if we had a baby call up. I pulled my pants one minute ago.

I didn't want to, but it happened.

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There you are. We can see you. Success.

How's it going?

Good. I feel like Monica is probably right. While you were gone, we guessed at your age.

I said 29. I said 13.

I I said 72.

I turned 29 in a month.

Holy shit. Congratulations, Monica.

Oh, that's very exciting.

It's funny, though. With my job, a lot of people are like, Are you 12? Are you 14?

Do you talk on the phone a lot for your Are you a mechanic? No. Are you a mechanic?

No, I'm a fly fishing guide, actually.

You are? That's so cool. Where are at? What state?

Yes.

Michigan.

Oh, guess. I would guess Wyoming. Montana.

I'm in Montana.

Wow. Don't Don't fucking celebrate too hard. They're neighboring states. No, that was really good. They share many of the rivers. There's only three options, too.

That was really good.

It's the same.

It could have been Idaho, Wyoming, or Montana. The 33% chance. How long have you been doing that?

Three years. I've lived here 11 years. I came out here to go to college.

Let me ask you this. I don't want names. I just want to know, have you had celebrity clients?

Yes, we have.

Yeah. Celebrities love fly fishing.

The town I live in, apparently Jeff lives here, and then John Maher lives here as well.

Oh, wow. You've never seen either of them, prolling the streets?

I've seen John Maher.

At a bar?

He goes downtown a lot, and then I weirdly pass his house on the river a lot.

Okay, great.

Creepy.

Let me ask you this, though. Do you fly fish in the winter?

No, I'm retired.

Okay, so you take the winters off, I guess.

Yeah. Before I was a fly fishing guide, I was a being an event floor, so I still do that freelance in the winter.

Okay. Do some people bounce back and forth between ski stuff and fly fishing?

Yeah, I'm also a ski instructor. Oh my gosh.

Real Jane of all trades.

Okay, let's talk shit. Set the scene for us. What happened?

Honestly, I had to reach out to some people because I think I blacked this out of my memory a little bit. Sure.

Brown out. That's what they call it.

I was a senior in high school, and I grew in the Pacific Northwest. I was really big into soccer, so I traveled around a lot. And then in the spring, soccer was pretty quiet, so I always did high school track. It was the end of the season, and it was the state track meet. So a select few of us, not the whole team, made it to state. And I made it on the 4 by 200 meter relay. That was the only event I qualified in. For state, we traveled down south towards Seattle. And It's fun to be on a relay team for it because you're not in a solo event. You can warm up together. But I would notoriously get so anxious before track meets. Everyone's just watching you and you're on your own and you're just sprinting as fast as you can. So we're headed down south, and I can feel my tummy, just a lot of nerves. And the 4x2 is the first race at track meets. This is different than any other track meet because it's high schools from all over the state. Sometimes you go to track meets, and it's just you and a few other teams.

But no, it was a full stadium and people were there to watch. We're getting warmed up. We're wearing big sweats. It's pretty chilly. And underneath, I'm wearing super tight compression shorts, the really short ones, and a little singlet top with my school's name on it. My stomach is just still not feeling great.

Can I ask a quick question? What had you eaten earlier that morning?

My go-to before track meets was a peanut butter and pickle sandwich.

Oh, wow. Get a little acid, get a little protein.

Carbs. But no fish for breakfast, nothing dicey.

Not that day, no. Okay. They give you a warning, like you have 10 minutes. I was the first dig. So I'm the one that gets in the blocks, and then they shoot the gun and you start sprinting. Everyone's really stoked. You can feel the energy in the stadium. People are excited for the first race. I'm still feeling weird. I try to use a bathroom, and I I just ride it off to nerves. The moment you start running, it disappears. And so they tell the runners to get ready. So I take my sweats off and get in the starting blocks, and I'm still a little shaky. But I I actually feel okay. When my tummy pains went away, I feel like I'm relaxed. He says, Runners, take your mark, get set, and then he fires the gun. The moment the gun went off. Oh my God. My body just released everything.

What? Oh, great. Before you even got to run.

Right on cue, or probably simultaneous to you starting to exert.

Yeah, the gun goes off, and in my head, I'm like, Oh, shit. But it get powered me. I fucking took off.

Well, you probably got a shot of adrenaline like you've never had.

And I don't want anyone to see this. I got to run away.

You got to run right out of the stadium.

That's exactly what I was thinking. Blessing and I have this guy's, my shorts were navy. But they're just skin type, so I could feel it coming down.

Oh, God. Oh, no.

If you had to guess, no one's going to like this part, but I must know. It's a lot of inconsistency. If you had to guess at the volume, would you say there's a pint glass in your shorts? More or less. About a pint glass? Yeah.

It's a lot of pickles.

I'm just going to keep sprinting. I feel good now, right?

Of course. Sure. You got it all out.

I can feel my shorts are just soaking wet. It's just happening. I try not to think about all the teams on the sidelines and then everyone in the stands. I just handed off the baton and sprinted right to the bathroom. You did.

You just ran right off the track. But listen, you have the heart of a champion. I love that you didn't let that get in the way.

What would have stopping even done? And everyone knows still about the poop.

What do they say? Like, better to be quiet than open your mouth often confirm that you're dumb or something. There's some fun saying about talking too much. But in your case, way better to roll the dice and think people might be curious why you ran away or stay and let them know exactly what happened.

Sadly, a lot of people saw what happened. They did?

They were able to see. Even though you were lightning fast?

Well, how did you perform?

It was great. We got like, fourth place, I think, which was huge for us. Oh, great.

So it was a good, good start.

But My mom saw me run off, and she actually came into the bathroom, and I was just sitting in the stall, and she went to the local Fred Myers and got me some underwear and some pants and stuff.

Why didn't she just go grab your sweats?

No one knows what to do. No, everyone's panicked.

Her little baby with her... I can only imagine how young you sounded when you were actually 17. I was like a fucking three-year-old in there. I went, boop, boop.

Oh, my God, this is awful. High school?

Oh, how many people do you think were in attendance?

There was quite a bit. Washington's a big state, so they were from all over, and it was definitely filled up. I just went home after that. My mom just drove me home.

You didn't stick around? No. You wanted to get out of there.

It was a little rough.

Did people make fun of you after?

Who all saw?

A lot of my team noticed it because they're just watching me.

Yeah, you're You're the first person we've ever interviewed that shit themselves in front of a huge audience.

Like staring directly at it.

You're watching your body move. Yeah. Was there any follow-up with the team when you guys got back together? Did it spread pretty quickly?

It spread pretty quickly. Everyone was like, Oh, my gosh, are you okay? They weren't making fun of me. But they were like, Is that why you left?

But, duh. God, people do not know what to say.

Did you have a lover at the time? I did. How did they feel?

I don't think I ever told him. He wasn't there.

Sometimes this would spread through the whole school.

In my school, the entire school would have known within an hour. People have been like, Do you hear the relay team got fourth in states? Yeah, well, I heard one of our runners shit themselves. I think, great.

They're like, Oh, cool. But fourth place is great.

I feel like with cross country and long distance runners, this happens.

Yeah, it does.

It's standard. There's numerous videos of marathoners coming across the line with this raining shit. It is. It's a common thing. It's raining shit. I'm really proud of you. You kept your head in it. You kept it floored. I really admire it.

Thank you. Yeah. It was the little extra power I needed to finish that race.

Well, Grace, I loved this story.

I look back on it fondly. It's happened a few more times in my adult life.

I would imagine sometimes you're out on that boat for a long time, fly fishing.

Luckily, no poop stories.

We're going to knock on wood.

But waiters are ideal to shit yourself in. You're wearing a toilet, basically.

I know of people that have had to throw their waiters Sure. Can I give a quick shout out to my two ladies that listened with me? Of course. Jenny and Abby, you guys are my girls. Thanks for having me on, you guys. This was so fun.

This was so fun. Have a happy birthday. Thank you.

Bye. Bye.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than speak out and remove all doubt. There it is.

It doesn't really roll off the top. Abraham Lincoln.

Was it? Babe Lincoln. Oh, it was this time? One of his Catrillion great quotes. He's like our Churchill.

No, but we've said that before, and then it's never him.

Well, he said, Don't believe everything you read on the internet just because there's a picture with a quote next to it. That's what Abe Lincoln said.

He said that? Oh my God, he's ahead of his time.

Hi. Hi there. What name are we going by today?

I was hoping you guys would pick for me.

Okay. You look very much like my aunt, and her name was Sue. That's not a popular name anymore. Sue's cute. Is it okay?

I think that's cute. It's not It's not really popular, but that's okay. I'll take it.

It's not popular, but it's cute.

Yeah, what about Susie? Susie Q's.

Susie Q's cute. I like that.

Yeah, that's a great hostess product. Susie Ques. Did you ever eat those, you guys?

You mean Swiss cake rolls?

I mean Susie Q. It was a bit of a chocolate dark devil's food cake, then a huge dumping filling of the Twinkie filling, and then another chocolate long cake, rectangle. Interesting. Really good. Okay, so we're going with Again, it's very promising that you want a fake name because hopefully that means this is hugely embarrassing. That's the goal today.

Yes, indeed it is.

Oh my God, I can't wait. Yes. All right, hit us with it.

Okay, so this summer, I was sick. I had an awful cold, and then it turned into laryngitis, so I lost my voice. When this happened, though, I was starting to get my voice back. I'm living at home with my parents while I'm at school. It's a good thing to mention. I have a boyfriend. We'll call Jack. We both work nights, so when he stays over at the house, we have the house to ourselves in the daytime. I want to say around four in the afternoon this day, Jack was in the mood for some sexy time. Sure. I wasn't feeling 100% back, but felt well enough to proceed with the sexy time. Oh my God.

Okay. Good. You're a trooper.

At the foot of my bed, I have a white wardrobe, and then across the room, I have my closet. At the other end, Jack's head is at the end of the bed, and I'm sitting on top of him, and things are going very well. Great. To the point where I reach my climax Jack's.

Congratulations. That's great.

Almost immediately after that, it started to feel very wet down there. To the point where Jack then stops and he asks, Did you squirt or something? Why is it so wet down there.

Oh, my God. Is he still your boyfriend?

He is. We've been together for almost three years.

Okay. Can I pause you for one second because I want to work through Monica's reaction. Monica, don't you think that's preferred to wood shit? At least it was sexy.

I think he shouldn't mention it.

I will also say at this point, he thinks he's done a very, very excellent job. Yes.

He's proud of himself. That's even worse.

No, she just came a racehorse, she just said, like a racehorse. Yeah, but then you...

She didn't say that.

It was a little bit implied, but yeah.

But now we know why. Well, we're about to- Hold on. Yeah, okay.

But I'm him, right? I'm downstairs and I see this wonderful climax, and then it's super wet. I mean, that's a pretty natural conclusion is like, maybe she squirted.

I understand that you might think it, but I don't think you should ask.

We're in a trusting, loving relationship.

Yeah.

Well, it didn't sound like it.

Did it bother you? I know what it is. You did his voice and you made him sound like a dumb dumb. I think that's what Monica is being.

I'm not very good at replicating his voice. Maybe I should have practiced.

You're five. All right, so he asked you- Did you squirt? Why Why is it so wet?

Well, I know you said, Why is it so wet?

I don't know why, but then I look behind me and all I see is just brown everywhere. Oh, God.

So you sprayed? Yeah.

It It was like my asshole.

It's exploded all over us.

Oh, no. Oh, my God.

I have white bedsheets, the white wardrobe. It reached all the way across to my white closet doors.

Oh, my God.

It exploded.

Wait, hold on. I'm shocked you didn't hear it.

I had no idea it happened. I didn't even feel it. A lot of stuff was going on down there at the time. Maybe I did feel it and I didn't realize.

Well, I think you did feel it, which is why it was racehorse, as you say, territory. It probably made it better.

I don't really want to admit that.

But it is. It is. It is.

Wow. Oh, Susie, what an experience.

The best way I can describe it is if you're carrying a glass jar of marinaera sauce. Oh, yes. And you drop it and it explodes. This is perfect. The scene that it happens, there's marinaras sauce all on the floor, but there's still splatters everywhere.

Yeah, splatter analysis like they do in a murder scene.

Holy shit.

Wow. You covered the room. You painted the room, as they say. What's your first thought?

This is not happening. Yeah.

Sure. Denial.

I'm still sick. My nose is still congested. I don't know if it smells or not. Sure. And he's still confused. He's like, Are we still going or what? So I'm just like, No, stop. I put my hand over his eyes and his nose. I think at this point, he thinks that I must be on my period or something, and I don't want him to see it. He still doesn't know that I just shit all over.

That there was an explosion.

Did you consider saying, Oh my God, babe, you shit everywhere. Jack. Oh my God. It's totally okay.

It's sprayed up into my asshole and then out of my asshole.

But wow, buddy, you really got it everywhere. But it's okay.

Good job, Jack.

No. It definitely would have been more likely to be him than me, but I don't think he would have believed that.

Okay.

Oh, you got a real issue on your hands because I imagine your goal now is to somehow escort him out of this room and clean it up, and he never sees a thing. Yes.

In the back of my mind also, this was supposed to be just a quickie. My parents are going to be coming home soon from work.

God, it's a disaster. Oh my God, I'm so stressed.

His eyes and The house is covered. I help him off the bed. We're both naked, covered in shit. I walk him across the hall into the bathroom. I help him into the shower.

Okay, he's doing the right thing. He's letting you do all this.

He's not like me.

The whole time, he's like, What's going on? Just uncover my eyes. I'm like, No, just trust me. You don't want to see this. As I'm turning on the shower, I hear my dogs running off the stairs.

They're getting curious. Yes, they smell something.

I have to decide, am I going to clean him off or stop this mess for getting even worse?

No, you got to get in because they're going to track it all over the house.

Mind you, upstairs is all carpet.

Oh, no. No! This is as bad of a scenario as you can get yourself into.

Yeah. So I decide I'm going to leave Jack. I say, Jack, just keep your eyes closed. Just try to clean yourself off the best you can with your eyes closed. I got to go do something else. As I'm running back to my room to get my dogs, I just hear him yell, Oh my God, is that shit for me? Then he starts throwing up. No, no, no, no. I hear him yacking. No.

It's like I wrote this scene. Wait a minute. What? I wish he shit himself somehow. It led to just a full collapse.

Oh, my God. Yeah, that would make me feel a lot better if we both did it.

He's dry-heaving in the shower. Now, what's happening with the dogs? Have they gotten there?

Thankfully, I stopped them in time. They were just sniffing, but I kicked them out of the room and I closed the door. Now I am just standing in shock at what my body had just done to me.

Yeah. You're also like, Where do I begin? Do I clean myself up, put on clothes in case parents come home, then begin cleaning? Do I start cleaning now while I'm still naked?

I decided I was just going to rip the sheets off of my bed, and I hid them in the closet. I had baby wipes sitting in my room, so I just started wiping everything down. I can't smell, but I assume it's smelly, so I open the windows, light the candles, but it's still just so bad. I am quickly realizing I'm not going to get it cleaned up in time before Jack gets out of the shower. So I grab all of his stuff and I throw it out in the hallway. I hear him turn off the shower. He took a really quick shower. He should have taken a lot longer to clean himself off.

Yeah. Jack, take your time. We need a little time right now.

I just throw on a big shirt just to cover myself up and I meet him out in the hallway, and he's just confused. He's like, What happened? Are you okay? And he was like, You don't need to be embarrassed. It's okay. And I was just so mortified after he threw up everywhere.

That wasn't his choice. You don't choose to throw up. He's not like, You know what? I'm going to throw up right now.

Whatever. I'm just saying you can't then say, Don't be embarrassed after. You're, of course, going to be embarrassed.

But he regrouped and he got himself together and he knew, I got to support her now.

He also might have put two and two together. Oh, she's still sick. He should have just not even asked me to do it. He's learned his lesson now. I just tell him, You need to get dressed right here in the hallway. I brought all of your stuff out of my room, and you're leaving as soon as you get dressed. I kicked him out, and as I was shoving him out of the door, I told him, We never, ever speak of this ever again. This never happens. Yeah. Goodbye. Love you. Please leave.

Okay, great. Did Did he hold true to that?

Yeah, we still haven't talked about it. He doesn't even know that I'm talking to you guys about it. That's why we're going to use some fake names. I've actually only told my sister about it.

What a story. Story, though. I bet so many people have done this.

I've listened to the previous poop episodes. I honestly think this is karma because the whole time I was listening to those, I was like, I can't believe so many people just can't control their bowel movements.

Yeah, be careful who you That's the lesson of this story.

And it gets a little worse because I realized that now I'm still covered in shit. I get in the shower. Now I'm thinking this bodily fluid What do you call it? Daxcheneus?

Honus.

Honus.

Yeah, Honus reus.

The honus has made its way back inside of me. No. That's why we could feel that it was extra wet down there.

Right. Oh, fuck. Yes, of course. It's very close.

This is the worst UTI ever.

I cleaned myself really, really well. I ended up not getting UTI or yeast infection, but I was very paranoid.

Wow. Well, you dodged a bullet. I'm glad. The gods just wanted to smite you a little bit for being judgmental, but they didn't want to give you a continued condition.

Thankful that's the only time it's happened. Knock on wood.

I bet you'll probably never have sex if you're sick again.

No. I've had a cold the last two weeks, and we haven't done at all. I'm not risking it.

Yeah, you just can't roll the dice. Yeah, it's like she wants.

Once your body betrays you that way, rebuilding trust takes a while. Yeah.

But shout out to my sister because I was calling her as I was cleaning everything up because I needed some emotional support. Of course. I need to process what just happened. Yes. Instead of telling me everything's going to be okay, she burst out laughing. She was like, Oh, my God, this is such an armchair story. You totally have to submit this. Oh, that's fantastic. We already planned this as it was happening.

Good. Your sister's got her head in the right place. That's right.

Yeah. She's the one that introduced me to you guys.

Well, listen to me, Susie Q. This is in the running for the best one I've ever heard.

This is really fantastic.

The fact that it was all over the room is so powerful.

The Maranera analogy was really good. I can picture that, how it gets behind the stove. How does it get behind behind the stove? It's so confusing.

Now, you guys, the marinaria is great. But of course, I went in my head, too. If you can imagine putting a one gallon can of paint on a stool and then taking a sledgehammer and just fucking smashing it. That, to me, is what I'm seeing that amount of spatter.

I think that's pretty accurate, except to give you a little bit of TMI, the consistency matched marinaria. Right. Right.

That makes sense. This is a 20 out of 10.

This is a doosy. Oh, what a good one.

I'm very proud of you.

This is like therapy for me. I'm too embarrassed to tell anybody else, aside from my sister that just mocked me. I'm glad I got to tell you guys, too.

I promise you many, many people are going to go, Oh, thank God. I'm not the only one.

They feel seen.

This is the power of sharing trauma.

Yes. I'm glad I could heal other people's trauma.

Oh, boy. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. That was spectacular.

Thank you guys for letting me share. It's so awesome seeing Dax's chair in person. Nice meeting you guys.

You, too. You, too. Have a great rest of your day. Bye.

Oh, man, that was spectacular.

That was a big one.

I think even if you have a pretty good appetite for these stories, that one's going to test some people.

Well, it's scary, too. It's like you just never know. We don't. Her stomach didn't even hurt.

Right. It was her larynx.

You sent me a video of a woman shitting at a grocery store, and it's epic.

Yeah. It's a gal in thin cotton, baggy but short shorts. It's a CCTV. It's being filmed in the grocery store, and she rounds this. It's either a frozen food, like one of those up to your waist frozen food.

The ice box, like open ice box in the middle of the- Yeah, it's like an island in a kitchen a situation, but it's probably three feet off the ground.

She comes around the corner and she just quickly squats. She takes her Terry cloth shorts, pulls them to the side, and does a squirt like a goose. It's so disgusting. It's so foul, but it's not quite honest, honest. It's in between. Then she just gets right up and strolls away. You and I, luckily, had the same conclusion, which is like, no way that's the first time.

It was so practice.

So much muscle memory. The way she squatted, got that thing to the side, squirt, and then stood up and walked away. I was like, Oh, my God, she's doing this all the time, I think.

Maybe she's the one that did it at the dining hall.

She could. She could probably do it while walking.

Hi. Oh, my goodness.

How are you?

To be honest, I'm thrilled and also extremely nervous.

Of course. Let's forget that that's coming. Let's first talk about the fact that this is a ding, ding, ding for Monica and I because we were just talking about the dreamiest hair that her baby could have. And you literally have what we were both... At least this is exactly what I was picturing.

A hundred %.

This is the most gorgeous hair a human can have.

That has made my entire 2024. I appreciate that. As a little girl, I did not love my hair. Just hearing you say that does something deep for my soul. So thank you.

Oh, it's incredible. Dark ringlets like that are just the most beautiful.

Do you have dimples, too?

I have a little dimple, a little freckles.

Stop.

The other piece of the puzzle for Monica was dimples.

Yeah, if I'm designing my I'm making them have dimples. I'm making you. How exciting.

Monica, I give you permission to adopt me today. I can't wait. A lot of things in childhood I didn't love about myself, and I've grown to love, so thank Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. While I was just talking to my daughter about this, she was telling me people have freckle filters now, and I'm like, That's so crazy because people with freckles hate freckles, and people without freckles want freckles. And I said, The headline is, You want what you don't have. Absolutely. Okay, Stacey, walk walk us through this very human experience. There's nothing to be nervous about. Anyone who says they haven't shit their pants is a liar.

No, because I hadn't until recently, so now it would be a lie. So yeah, you're right.

I'm hoping that hearing more and more of these stories gives you a lot of empowerment to one day share yours because we're all on the edge of our seat.

People really in the comments were like, What are you talking about? We're not going to hear every detail of this.

Yeah, we need all the nitty gritty. I will share. The fact that this is how I have to meet you all, I'm Here it is. I'm in Nashville, Tennessee. This unauthorized evacuation takes place just south of Nashville in Murfreesborough, Tennessee. To really set the scene, this was the summer of 2008. I was 17, and I was working at my job, Baskin Robbins.

Yeah, girl. 31 flavors, now 32.

It's a lot of flavors to keep up with. I loved it. This specific Baskin Robbins was very popular for two main reasons. One, it was the only ice cream shop in that side of town. Then two, we were right off one of Tennessee's most trafficked interstate. We had a lot of local customers that would come in, a lot of regulars. Then we also had a good amount of travelers and passers-by that would pop in through our drive-through and head on their merry way. It was a summer shift, a hot Tennessee summer. People are at the ice cream shop getting their goodies. It was me and three other high schoolers running this whole place. Of course. Why give this much responsibility to high schoolers I always say this when I go back home to Michigan.

I'm reminded that young people run everything back in Michigan. You go to a Dairy Queen, there's sometimes there's no one there over 14.

Just not setting anyone up for success. So I was 17 and I was the shift leader, meaning I had full responsibility of the story.

You were the manager, basically.

General manager.

Yeah, assistant to the regional manager at this point. We had a busy summer shift, as we always do. It had just been relentless back-to-back orders for about an hour. Me and the girls, we are just pushing through. We're all miserable. We've had angry customers, we've not had a break, and just more and more people keep flooding in. Our entire front lobby was filled with people enjoying their ice cream and a long line that had started to form. Our drive-through had also been pretty backed up. Oh, there's an nightmare. We're all covered in ice cream drippings and sticky whip cream. You just live sticky, not in the sexy like I got whip cream, and you top it on me. It's just the gross way. It is a busy time. We've been back to back. We've not had a break. To make this day even worse, I had just started my period that day. Girls know, first day of your period, you're crampy. You get weird hot flashes and heat flashes as you're dealing with pain. It was one of those days, and we just had no break. So we're all trudging through, and all of a sudden, we hear a big collective gasp in the front of the store.

We all turned and look and hear crying from a little boy. And he had dropped his milkshake all over over the front part of the lobby. So on top of an entirely packed store, we had a huge chaotic milkshake mess. We all take a collective sigh, the girls and I, and I quickly come up with a plan. I'm like, You're going to cover drive-through, don't let that drop. You make him a new milkshake, and you just man the front as best you can. I'll clean up this mess. So I walk to the back to get the mop. Another one of these hot flashes come on, and I'm just feeling really overheated. So I go into our walk-in freezer to just trying to collect myself before I go out there and clean up this mess. I walk into the freezer. I'm on the borderline of tears. I'm just about to lose my shit. And I just tell myself, just like, Suck it up. It's cool down. I'm still having trouble cooling down from this hot flash. And I say, You got to get back out there. I open the freezer door, I go to the mop bucket, bend over to turn on the mop water, and as soon as I do, a fart comes roaring out.

Oh, my God.

Again, period gurgling of the stomach.

It fucks up your whole system.

Guys, I was on the verge of asking what it felt inappropriate. I'm like, Doesn't the period also, you often have some butt stuff?

Yes, there's all kinds of things happening.

Because the cramping and the- The system's a mess.

Yeah, it's in disarray.

The hot flashes were probably the first sign. I just didn't realize that. I immediately realized what has happened as I go to turn on this water. Just my instinct was to put my hand on the back of my pants. As soon as I did that, there was liquid all over my hand, and I am panicked on what to do. Oh, my God.

Because you already have this fire burning at the front of the story. Oh, my God.

It's chaotic. Really important. Baskin Robbins had a very specific uniform you had to wear. You had your visor, you had a blue shirt, and you had khy pants. No.

Why? Worst color imaginable.

Because it was summer, it wasn't khy pants, it was khy shorts. Oh, for double whammy. I'm like, What am I going to do? I'm just panicking. I have shit all over my left hand. I have got to get to the bathroom. The only way to get to the bathroom was to go back out through the ice cream bar, through the front lobby, over the milkshake into our bathroom.

You walk right by the problem where people are going to be like, Hey, what's she doing?

I had to enter the chaos. I don't make eye contact with anyone. I'm just sprinting as fast as I can, and I get to the bathroom and someone is in there. No, why?

Why?

This tastes too much.

Wait, is the milkshake chocolate?

I actually don't remember the color. I want to say mint chocolate chip because that's just seared in my brain, but I don't know.

Because I think I might have gone to the milkshake and slipped. Oh, really? And gotten it all over my pants. And then, you know.

If you were doing your best thinking and you weren't panicked in your amygdala, you probably could put all that together. That would be the move. Come up with the mop bucket and then just, whoa, and you sit. Oh, no, and then you're all over. But you're screaming like, Oh, no, I'm falling. But you sit. Yeah. And honestly, that was something I would have done.

That was my personality. But my executive functioning was closed down.

Yeah, yeah.

So I am at the bathroom. I just immediately turn my back to the wall so no one can see me. And I'm waiting there for a few minutes, and that's when the smell really starts hitting me. I'm like, This is really, really bad. I genuinely close my eyes like an ostrer just praying no one can see me as if that's going to help. I finally get into the bathroom. I just take my pants down. I got to assess the damage, and it was as bad as I had expected. I go to start washing my shorts in the sink as if that's the only thing I can do. And quickly realized that that was also probably not a great move because this is not like khaki material. This is like some Walmart or Kmart hybrid fabric. So I just now have very wet shorts and a brown-stained short.

And what about your underwear? Are you out in the Baskin Robbins make it? How are you washing your pants?

I do remember I was in a thong and had a tampon. This is way too much information.

These are all the details.

I remember I was just standing, essentially butt naked in washing, and I had to put the shorts back on. I was like, Okay, what am I going to do after I put these shorts back on?

Because they're visibly now wet because they're khaki.

They're visibly wet, and they're still visibly brown. There's no soap in there to scrub. I've ruined them. I've ruined my entire existence. I'm like, I've got to just get back to the back room, get my keys, and I'm just going to drive home. I'm not going to clean up the milkshake. I've got to get out of here. I beelined it out of the bathroom. It smells horrific. It's very clear somebody's had some things going on. Some sickness, yeah. I go through the lobby, I hop over the milkshake mess. It's still chaotic out there, and I just grab my keys. I don't tell my coworkers, I don't tell anyone. I just go to get in my car. Now, the fun part about this is actually probably what's seared in my brain the most is it is a hot Tennessee summer, so it is probably 100 degrees out. I had a super old clunker, had a 1992 Ford Explorer, and it had weird leather seats in So I get into my car and I'm getting second-degrees burn sitting on this searing leather, and none of my windows go down. My passenger side window will roll down, but no other windows roll down, and I don't have working AC.

So I'm sitting in my hot shit pants with my legs burning, no ventilation. Our drive-through is backed up, so I'm not really able to get out of our parking spot. So I'm just sitting there, finally get home, I shower, I change, I clean off my car, go back to work. And I was just like, maybe they won't notice that I was gone. You went back?

Oh, my God.

I did go back. The rush had died down, and I will never forget, a girl I was working with. Her name was Courtney. She just looked at me and she's like, What the hell? I was like, I'm so sorry. I had a period accident. I felt like that would get me out of it, and she was like, Okay, didn't mention it at all. I got out of it. I lied to her. That was my unauthorized evacuation. Oh, man.

That could have also been under the heading. Tell us about the worst day of your life.

Yes, we had a heading that was Alexander's No Bad, Very Good, Whatever, that one. We did that once. This could have definitely been a bad. I thought the same thing.

There's too many things going wrong at once.

Perfect storm. I wouldn't have had to go out there if the milkshake hadn't have fallen.

That's why I like this prompt. You deal with people dying in your life. That's horrendous. There's all these things you deal with. But I would argue you'll never experience anything on planet Earth that's as bad as having a pants full of shit and trying to figure out how the fuck to get out of this situation. That's about as high stakes as it gets.

All my friends know this story. I have chosen to own it as an adult. I was like, if I get a chance to meet Dax and Monica, it's worth telling millions of people.

Well, it's also a character builder. It is. Because you really find out what you're made of and you find out, I can survive.

You also just feel more human than you've ever, or more animalistic than you've ever felt.

More Tonka-esque.

Yeah. I was also on my period during my incident.

So, Monica, you just say it's a period accident, not a shit accident. And you should tell us.

That's okay. I'll TBD on that.

I want to just have my It's been a cringe moment. I know all the armcherries have to express gratitude, but you guys really did a good job reflecting on this in the Lisa Kudrow fact check recently about how do you accurately and adequately share your appreciation with people you've admired from afar. I don't know if I'm going to do it correctly, but I do want to name just deep gratitude for both of you. Just one, who you all are, and two, the work you put into the world. Monica, as a brown girl who's lived and born and raised in the South. The way you have chosen chosen to share vulnerably about that experience on such a wide platform has helped this little brown girl feel really seen.

Oh, that's so happy.

And it's something I don't think a lot of people who don't experience that understand how important it is, and you bring light to it in the small moments and in the big moments, how it shows up. So thank you for choosing to share that. You're just such a beautiful soul, and I really appreciate you.

Oh, thanks.

First of all, A plus. Yeah, you nailed it. Yeah, I'm a little welled up.

You did so much better than I did with the lead.

Well, it's her compliments. It's probably easier for me to hear, but yes, that was great.

Well, thank you. Dax, I have an equally, hopefully, heartfelt one for you. We have a lot in common in our upbringing. I had multiple stepfathers. Addiction, alcoholism, abuse was part of my childhood, and it kept my father from being able to have an active role in my life. He struggled with sobriety. It ultimately killed him at a very young age, so I never got to have a relationship with him. I've worked really hard to change generational patterns, and I see that you I have two, and I might cry at this part, but seeing how much you love your girls and how much you choose sobriety every day for them brings my heart so much joy. I understand I understand. Sobriety is not an easy thing to choose hour by hour. I've had to love a lot of addicts through my life, and I know it is a hard decision, and you doing it because you love your daughters and your family so much is such a beautiful gift. As a, hopefully, generational changemaker myself, I see that in you, and you give me a lot of encouragement just in who you are and how you show up and how you actively fight against those survival tactics that we had to grow up with.

You brought up my daughters, and now there's tears streaming on my face. Thank you. Stasia, you deserved that. Yeah, you did. We should have had a dad just like me.

Thank you.

When I adopt you- You'll be my grandchild.

I'll be your dad. Well, You'll be my grandchild at that point as well. Oh, that's true.

Yeah.

I'll take it, but I'm raising my own daughter, as you can see, and it's been really feeling... I have a very full life now, and I'm super grateful for all that you've done.

You've completely fucked me So Mission Accomplished.

Thank you for listening to us. We do not deserve you. No, no, we don't. You're incredible.

You guys are wonderful, and I really appreciate who you are, the work you put out. I really do.

Right back at you.

Well, thank you. That was a really nice Christmas present to me, and I think to Monica Yeah, thank you. All right. Well, I pray I bump into you in Tennessee.

Yeah. I'm praying even harder, so hopefully we'll make it happen.

All right. Great meeting you. Bye.

Bye.

Oh, boy, she got us, huh?

She It was very sweet.

Every one of those stories was dynamo.

Those were big ones. Biggies, not a dud in the group.

I don't ever want to go to the well too often, but I got to say this prompt always delivers.

It does, but if we heard it every week, I would be sick of it. That's what I said.

I don't want to go to the well too much. This was great.

They knocked it out. Knocked it out of the park. Thanks, Arm Cherry. All right. I love you. Love you.

Do you want to sing a tune or something? We know a theme song. Okay, great. We don't have a theme song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're going to ask some random questions, and with the help of Arm Cherry's, we'll get some suggestions. On the fly, I rindish, on the fly, I rindish.

Enjoy.

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