Transcript of Armchair Anonymous: Subway

Wndri Plus subscribers can listen to Armchair Expert early and ad-free right now. Join WNDRI Plus in the WNDRI app or on Apple podcast, or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcast. Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dan Rather, and I'm joined by Monica Podman.

Hi. Hi. You said it a little Indian.

I just wanted to say Podman, but I guess just saying P-O makes it seem like I'm doing that. But actually in my mind, I changed your name to P-O-D-M-A-N.

Oh, because podcast.

Exactly. You got it. Thanks for saving me. This is about subways. You know what's great about subways is almost anything can happen on a subway. You might just think this will be mechanical disasters.

Not a one.

No. All the human offerings are in this one.

This is a harrowing episode. I've already stopped going on the subway in New York. I don't go on the subway anymore. You don't? No, which I know if you're cheating, it's bougey. I recognize that, but this did not make me want to go I'm not going to claim that I use the subway a lot because I, too, will often jump in a cab.

It just feels more convenient in that moment for me to just get in a cab. But I actually love being on the subway, especially with headphones on. It's such good people watching.

Well, I will be clear, it's not that I jump in a taxi. I mean, I do every now and then, but I'll walk an hour and a half to get to a location. We share that.

Yeah, we do. We just recently walked a couple of thousand blocks from Shaq. I know, it was so fun. Yeah, it really is. It's the single best part. Anyways, we're If you're getting distracted, please enjoy Subway Stories.

I'm Jon Robbins, and on my podcast, I sit down with incredible people to ask the very simple question, How do you cope? From confronting grief and mental health struggles to finding strength in failure. Every episode is a raw and honest exploration of what it means to be human. It's not always easy, but it's always real. Whether you're looking for inspiration, comfort, or just a reminder that you're not alone in life's messier moments, join me on How Do You Cope. Follow now wherever you get your podcasts, or listen to episodes early and ad free on WNDYRI Plus. How Do You Cope is brought to you by Audible, who make it easy to embark on a wellness journey that fits your life with thousands of audiobooks, guided meditation, Motivations and motivational series. Hello, I'm John Robbins, comedian and host of WNDYRI's How Do You Cope podcast. I'm also, plot twist, an alcoholic. I've written a book, Thirst, 12 Drinks That Change My Life, published by Penguin. Thirst is a book about alcohol. It's mystery, it's terror, it's havoc, it's strange meditations. But, John, I hear you cry. Isn't that a rather odd book to write for a sober man who, more than anything, wants to stop thinking about alcohol?

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Hard times, come and go. Good times, take them Hello.

How are you? Look at this very exciting room we're in. There's a lot to look at.

There's cute baby pictures.

There's babies. There's a checkered something behind you.

This is my closet that I put anything random that I don't know where I should go.

You've got a junk closet.

It's like a memory box closet, and it is my only closet.

Yeah, I didn't mean it be derogatory. Just we call that a junk drawer.

Yeah, we got in an issue, which you'll hear soon, about hoarding. Would you call yourself a hoarder or no?

I was a hoarder. And then we renovated our home, and I had to clean everything out. And it was the worst experience of my life. And now, every time I bring something into my house, I'm like, Where does this go? If I don't have a space for it, it can't live here.

Julie, this is incredible because you were saying it as a joke, but then there's some real history of it. How long have you adopted this? This has been the last two years. It's so funny you would say that because I said to Monica, Bri and I's old rule was we lived in a one bedroom apartment with one closet. It was like, if you were going to buy a new piece of clothes, you did have to first pick one to remove. It was one in, one out. And that was a hard and fast rule. And so I'm just wondering, does it feel lighter to live this way or is there anxiety?

It does. I feel like I am not getting the best deals because I refuse to buy the big olive oil at Costco because I can't store it. But I aspire to have a capsule wardrobe. I would love to be someone who wears the same thing every day.

Okay. Like Steve Jobs.

It's too hard. It's really hard. I do like things. Yeah, things are fun.

Yeah.

Okay, so Julie, where are you?

I am in the north shore of Massachusetts.

Okay, wonderful. And you have a subway system there. Does your subway story take place in Boston?

No, it doesn't. The subway story takes place in New York, and you will find out how I landed in Massachusetts.

Okay, wonderful.

New York is where I grew The setting is 2005 by college summer break, and I had gotten an internship in Manhattan. It was at a big ad agency in the big city, and it was so sexy. I was like, This is my sex in the city summer. I really romanticized it. It was maybe a 40-minute commute. Honestly, pretty good. I had been on many trains, many subways prior to this, but I had never done the work commute. The work commute is different than other times on the subway.

Tell me how. I've only ridden it as a hobbyist.

There are so many more people. They're really in a rush, and they're angry, and you're pushing to get into that train no matter what. They're shoulder-to-shoulder-packed. It smells. It was a heatwave, and we were having a stint of 100-degrees days. It's like walking through a mouth.

It's got a stint. Great analogy.

I'm on my way home. I've had it. I do not want to get on a train and touch shoulders with people. I have to give a little caveat that during these heat waves, the city would shut down like half of the subway cars and conserve energy so that they could at least have some air-conditioned cars because they weren't capable of really having electricity that powerful across the whole thing. So they would dim the lights on half of the cars and no air conditioning. Oh, boy. Yeah. So everybody would stack into the air condition carts. But on this day, I said, I can't do that. I just can't take it. I have three stops. I'd rather be alone. So I get into the dim car and it's hot, and I sit down and I'm like, I'm alone. And I quickly realized I am not alone. There's this man. He looks like Charles Manson, splayed out on the bench across from me. And I'm like, If I was in this guy's shoes, taking naps in subways, I'd pick the air condition car. The first stop comes and you know you like, jolt. He jolts, but it's not like a napping jolt.

His body doesn't reposition. Something's weird.

Oh, okay.

He's either having a medical emergency or he's dead.

Or smacking act out of his mind.

I was like, Oh, maybe he's actively overdosing, so I creep over. No. What am I going to do? It's just me and him on this train.

You're really brave.

I'm like, Sir, hello? I'm getting the dax in me. I'm like, I'm going to save a life right now. This This was big see something, say something time in New York City. 2005, every five minutes, If you see something, say something. Now it's like, this is my time. So next stop. I get out of the train. I'm not going to stay on the train with a dead man. So I get out of the train. I write down the car number, and I write down the direction of the train and everything. And I'm like, law and order. I'm solving crimes. I'm looking for a police officer, no one to be found. All right, well, I got to get to Penn Station. I know there'll be a police officer at the top of the escalator by Penn Station in his little kiosk. So I'm running 100 degrees, and I'm like, If he's not dead, I'm saving his life. I get there and I'm like, Officer, I'm pretty sure there's a dead man on this train. We got to do something. He takes the paper from me, and he's like, Oh, yeah, we know about this. We're going to get him at the end of the line.

No. Why'd you go in that car?

Wait, they know about it. They're going to grab him at the end of the... Is that closer to the morgue?

He was dead. He He was dead. They didn't want to disturb the transit.

Why didn't they at least put something on the door saying, Don't come in here.

Dead person inside.

They were like, What idiot goes in the on-air condition car?

Oh, this is so New York City.

They were like, You deserve it. If you're going to try to ride in that hot car, you're going to be with some dead bodies, and that's on you.

That's what he said to me, basically. He was like, Why'd you go in there? It was that moment, top of that escalator. I was like, Fuck this. I'm not moving to New York after college. I'm going to Boston. Yeah. Yeah. Robin turned back.

Wow. How old was this deceased person?

He was probably in his 30s.

That's so young. Okay. Did he look like, what's that phrase? Worst for where? Apart from being dead.

For sure. What does Worst for wear mean?

It means you look bad.

Okay. They say that instead of you look bad. Is that a euphemism?

Yeah. It's like a nice... If you came in and you look disheveled, really tired, heard really unlike you. I'm like, Oh, you're looking a little worse for wear.

God, I really can't wait to look that up and understand.

Am I saying it wrong? That's the phrase, right?

I would be so much more offended if you said worse for wear, then you're not looking good.

Yeah. Yeah, but would you like, you look bad or worse for wear?

This is where all your own identity comes in. If you said you look bad, I think that was cool, maybe. Really? Just a little bit. You're saying I normally look good. So there's a compliment within there.

No, no, no, no. You look worse than you normally do is different than you look bad.

Right, because your normal could be bad. Exactly.

But you look worse than you normally do says, You look worse always, and it's more than that.

I'm back to worse for wear. I think that's not- Rob, is that a saying?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tired or in poor condition because of a lot of work or use.

But origin.

Sixtenth century described objects or situations that had deteriorated due to use.

Oh, Because they were worn out. So if something was pulled on too much, it would be worse for wear.

Worse from wear. That makes sense.

But it was from 16th century, so probably they didn't have from.

They said for instead of from. Okay. Worst from where I would get it immediately. Yeah, that makes sense. It's worse from wear and tear.

You're just so young. I'm so literal.

If you had a lovely life in Massachusetts, are you happy that you were driven there?

The North shore of Massachusetts is one of the loves of my life.

Oh, good.

I am so appreciative to have the opportunity to live here. I can't speak more highly of it. We're close to the beach, we're close to New Hampshire, we're close to Maine, close to Boston. Shout out to Boxer.

Shout out.

Shout out, Boxford. Love it. Well, Julie, it's a delight to meet you.

Thank you guys so much.

All right, take care.

Hello.

Hi. We couldn't see you for a second. It was a mystery.

It was voice first, then face, and I got scared. It's scary if someone just wants their voice. We've only had that once, but it scared us.

That's a very anonymous of them.

Yeah, they could be naked during the conversation, pleasing themselves. You just want to see. Where are you, Connor?

I am just south of Salt Lake City in a little town called Cedar Hills.

And did you grow up there?

No, I actually grew up in Las Vegas.

Okay, neither places have subways, so I'm excited to find out how you found yourself on a subway.

I served a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latterday Saints in 2010 in Mexico City.

Oh, okay. Interesting. Now, really quick, all young men in the Norman Church, they all go between 18 and 20 on mission? Mostly. Are you just assigned the city like you're getting deployed? You don't have any say in it, do you?

You submit your application, and then it comes back with your assignment.

And were other friends getting like, Acapulco, Berlin?

Well, those are not the same, right?

No, those are different. I know. One's a beach holiday, one's like a historic city.

Right. Those are just two really random places.

I was trying to do opposite fun things. I thought I did a good job, actually. Most people would have said Acapulco, and then we got stuck on a beach theme and then done another one. Okay. So was that happening at all? Were friends getting rad destinations?

Yeah, I had a friend go to Tahiti, so everybody was jealous of him. But then some people go to Boise.

I would have been pumped on Mexico City.

I definitely fell in love with the city while I was there. It's a big place. I remember flying into the city and being like, I'm never going to find my way out of here.

And they have a subway?

They call it El Metro. It's huge. It's like the 11th busiest one in the world. Over a billion riders every year. I already fact-checked that, Monica. You don't have to.

Thank you. He saved you his stuff. I appreciate that. Okay, so what happened?

We ended up using it a lot, especially when you're serving in the city. When you go on a mission, you live as a local. You go on your own dime, you get assigned a companion. These companions change from time to time, but you're just living with the people. You're serving them. Yes, your main goal is to teach about the church and about Jesus, but you're really there as a service to the area. I helped people construction, fix their cars. There's a lot of things that we did while we were there that wasn't just proselytizing. And so while I'm there, we don't have a car. I'm living with other locals, usually. Most of my companions were from Mexico. And so we just got really good at walking. And taking public transportation. We saw a lot of things in this public transportation. Got robbed a couple of times. It was a lot of fun.

Okay, great. I don't want to offend you, but I will say if I see some Norman kids on mission, that seems like an easy target.

It's funny because you're the most recognizable people in the world. Two guys in shirts and ties outside standing next to each other.

Okay, I was going to ask. So you are dressed specifically. Okay.

The least local thing about us is the way that we dress and the way that we act. But other than that, we're learning the language, we're eating the food, we're living together. I mean, you have to be with your companion 24/7, too. In the rule book, it says sleep in the same room, don't sleep in the same bed. I don't know why they need to make that distinction.

For sure. Well, as Emma might think. You got to be clear.

You never know. Missionaries like to get together for activities more than just the two of us because we get sick of just the one companion. This week, we plan an activity to go to the Pyramids, Teotihuacan, if you've ever heard of those, those are awesome. We have to get from inner city to outer city so that we can get the bus that then takes us to the Pyramids. On the Metro that day, we decided to leave early in the morning. It was rush hour. Everybody was going to work. It was a Monday. It was packed. You're normally just walking down the stairs, getting towards the edge of the train, waiting for it to arrive so that you can walk onto the train. We had to wait on the stairs before we could get down to the platform to move through the platform to the edge. Train after train is coming. They come every 5 to 10 minutes, but every single one of them is just packed full. Only a couple of people can get on it. Oh, boy. I've even seen people crowd surf or jump out of the windows to try and get out of the train.

Oh, my God.

Because there's just no space. It's like trying to fit seven of your friends in the back seat of your '81 Honda Civic.

I got it. Deep cut.

I'm getting sick of waiting. It's been an hour that we're just seeing trains come full and just the next one keeps coming. And so I am trying to act like a local, and People will eventually push themselves in to fill up the sardine can even more. And so I decided that this was my train. I was going to get on it no matter what. I put my back to the train and started backing up. I'm a foot taller than almost everybody there. So people are just parting the sea as I come in. I did have to check one guy that wanted to hold the line, but can't leave my companion. So I'm grabbing his backpack straps and pulling him with me as I pack onto the train. But I end up burying enough space that a couple of the other missionaries can jump on as well. So half of us get on the train. It is a can of sardines. Me and 500 of my new best friends are all butt to butt, just smelling each other. And it's a summer, it's warm. These are not electric trains either. They're rubber tires, they're diesel engines.

It's hot. Yeah. And so as we shuffle to try and find where we're going to stand for the next couple of hours, I notice people in the corners have fallen asleep standing up, but they're not falling over because there's just so many people. My companion is pressed up against my chest, and he actually falls asleep. And I feel him slump and slide down about two inches. But then the sheer force of people around us just keeps him up.

How long are you guys on this train? Why are people falling asleep so fast?

Look, I was in a car with no traffic when we left the city. It was like a 45 five minute drive going 60.

I noticed that I can't see one of the missionaries that came with us. And I'm just thinking like, that's weird because we're supposed to stick together. And I noticed a hand just sticking up out of the crowd. I knew it was his hand because he had to watch on. For a couple of seconds, I'm trying to see him, trying to look over people, but there's just too many people that can't see anything. I end up shake up my companion, move him out of the way. I reach over and I give him a high five like, hey, give me a thumbs up if everything's good, right? And his hand just flops over the other side.

Oh, no. We're losing him.

Oh, this is so scary.

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So he was not as big as I was. He was probably the same size as everybody else, but he was a very timid guy. So I think that what happened was as people shuffled around, he just kept giving everyone the space that they needed and deferring to them. And eventually, he ended up under people.

No. I'm getting claustrophobic thinking of this.

I then alert the rest of us Hey, this guy's not okay. Something's going on. So we try moving people. There's not a lot of purchase to move people. We end up having to grab his arm and pull up, and just a limp body just starts to come out of the crowd. We got him closer to the small slide windows. I think it's like a school bus where the window slides down. Try to get some fresh air into his face, but we're in an underground tunnel.

You're getting fresh diesel exhausts in his face.

Exactly. And so he's almost blue. He's drooling. Eyes rolled back into the back of his head.

This is very bad. Are you thinking we got get off at the next stop? Or are you like, We're going all the way. We fought too hard to get on here.

I was thinking two things. One, priority is him. Let's make sure he's okay. But also, there's not going to be much we can do for him, even if we get off the train. I was just like, Let's hold him up. Let's get him on top of the pile. Well, let's just make sure that he has the space to breathe. And before even the next stop, really, he started to come around. At first, it sounded like he was drunk, even though I knew he wasn't. We're missionaries. Yeah. He did eventually come around to thinking it was a little bit funny, but he had the worst headache for the rest of the day because it was a good 30 seconds, probably, where he just completely stopped breathing because the weight of all those people on top of him. He doesn't remember anything other than getting on the train.

Were they standing on him?

He got pinched between people in the seats. When you're in that situation, you're just moving with the train. You don't really have a lot of say in what's happening.

Could you imagine just be standing there and you realize like, Oh, yeah, I'm standing on this human that's crumpled on the ground. I'm just going to ignore that because we're all trying to survive.

They probably can't even feel it, though, because there's just so many people, you're not even aware of what's what.

And there's bags. People have bags all the time filled with things coming from the market or going to work.

That's wild. God, he's okay. That would really scare me. Was the rest of the train scared once he was blue and stuff?

About half of the train couldn't even see us, didn't even know what was going on. And the other half, I have to say they were a little bit concerned because they did try to get out of our way once they knew this, like an emergency was happening. They know that it happens. It's a daily occurrence for most people. Even the first and last trains are reserved only for women and children. They do a lot of things to try and help. But when you have a station where a million people go through it every single day, not much you can do.

Wow. That's wild.

Now, my full knowledge of Mission is, I tried to leave Salt Lake City and blew the rear end on my Mustang and was stuck there for three days. And then I was talking to the dude at the mechanic shop, and I learned a bunch then. I saw Book of Norman. There's probably some kernels of reality. And then I saw this thing called... Jackie did it. What was it called? It was called Mortified or something. People would tell these crazy stories that happen in real life. Do you remember that thing?

Yeah, it's a show where people would tell stories.

Yeah. As I recall, is this part real where there is a scoreboard? Are you keeping track of how many people you have converted?

I would say it's more like sales where you're keeping track of your activity because they don't want people just going on vacation for two years. People do.

Sure. Dack Shepherd types.

I definitely had six months where I don't remember much.

Okay. When you leave, do you have a total of how many folks you did convert?

Oh, man, this is such a loaded question. In my opinion, I can't speak for everybody. I was more focused on families that we helped get in a better situation. In my mind, my running total is just the five or six families that I know I could show up at their doorstep, even now, 15 years later and say, Hey, I'm here to visit, and they would welcome me as one of their sons.

Yeah, I was not trying to be disparaged. All that was to lead up to, did you ever get competitive?

Yeah, especially mission to mission. That's where the competitive nature comes in because it's like me and my hundred brothers, we're competing against the mission next door.

Okay. That's fun.

I like that better. Team.

Yeah, team sport. Well, Connor, it's delightful to meet you. Your vocabulary is off the charts. You said three words that I bet you could meet a thousand people. You'll never hear them say. You said purchase. You used it perfectly. It's impressive when someone can grab purchase like that.

You say purchase a fair amount. It's one of your favorite. It's pretty good vocabulary.

I stole it from Raising Arizona, where his seed could not find purchase in her womb. Then two other really great words. What were they? Now, they're escaping my mind, but you threw in a few that they were the perfect What's the word for that moment.

I was proud of the word birthed.

Yes, that was one of the three. Yes, yes, yes, yes. I remember it. He was backing himself up and he birthed.

Oh, yes, that's right. That was good.

That was really good. Wasn't that good? I was titulated through most of the story just from the wordplay.

Titillated, also a great word.

Thank you. It was pretty common, though. It's not as good as Connor's.

We're going to find a way to incorporate birth into one of the next two stories.

Okay. That's our mission. Yeah. Ding, ding, ding.

Thanks for chatting with us.

Yeah. Thanks for having me. All right.

Take care.

Thank you.

Hello.

What fun headphones do you have on? Look at this design.

My husband is a gamer, so he let me use his space. So I'm not in a closet. I'm in our dungeon of a basement.

Sounds amazing. Wow.

So gamers, they want to have that good audio.

Well, he does something on Discord. I don't really understand it. He retreats to the basement, and I get to watch my shows in peace upstairs.

I want some pretty headphones like that. Those are very cool. It's like a headband.

It's a headband that goes across. I ordered it from Amazon from him for Christmas.

You should sniff around Amazon, Moni. Where are you?

In Canada, in Southern Ontario.

Oh, is this going to be a Toronto subway story?

It is not a Toronto subway story. It is a Paris subway story.

What do they call that? The tube? No, that's London. Le Métro. Oh, Le Métro. What were you doing in Paris?

It was many, many years ago. I studied abroad for a year in France, and we would, on weekends, take little trips here and there, and we would take the train wherever we needed to go. And this particular weekend, four girls in total went.

Kristin, can I interrupt you for one second and ask what year this was?

I am your Kristin's birthday twin. Oh, how fun. We have same date.

No, July 18th, 1980.

And I was named Kristin as well. Oh, my Lord. It was my third year of university, so it was 2001.

Okay. Sorry for that deviation. We have Amanda Knox coming up. I got curious. If you, Monica, you were doing study abroad with three girls in France, and you learned of this Amanda Knox thing, would you be overly concerned you were going to get tried for murder?

I was.

You were there in '07.

She's my age, and I studied abroad twice during that time.

And did you have any thoughts?

Didn't even think about it. And I'm the type to think about it, but I didn't.

So this would have been probably five, six years before that. But while it was happening, I'm like, Oh, that could have easily been.

Right. Right, right, right, right, right. Okay, so four girls are going to take La Metro.

So four of us decide to go into Paris for the weekend. We take the train in in the morning. We spend the entire day going to cafés, going and checking out shopping. It's starting to get darker. And later at night, we decide we want to go see the Eiffel Tower. It's bustling with people. So it was very joyous and not a care in a world. And we're in our very early 20s, and between 10: 00 and 11: 00 PM, we decide that it's time to go back to the hotel, and we need to take the Metro to get to the hotel. We leave the hustle and the bustle of the street. And immediately when you start to descend the steps into the Metro, it's like the noise cuts out. You get a colder, somber feeling. The smell of wet concrete is what you're getting when you're walking down the stairs. We single file, go down the stairs. Sarah, one of the girls, is at the front, and I am at the end of the single file of us. We get to the bottom and the subway is already there, and there's a few people, but not many, and the doors are starting to open.

So we're running. And from behind me, I feel something, and I hear a very close in my ear and I feel pressure on my back. And I just pick up the pace and I run super fast into the Metro, and I get in and the girls look at me and they're like, What's wrong? And I utter the words, Penis. And I turned around. We all look out as the doors are closing, and there is a man who has his penis in his hands, pleasureing himself. No. Who had come up behind me and pressed himself against my back.

You felt the penis on your back. That's how you knew. And he made a slurpy noise.

In my ear. That's how close he was behind me.

The unmistakable feeling of a penis in your back. Can I ask the age of this? I'm not going to say gentleman, this attacker.

He was probably mid 20s. He was probably around our age. He had crazy curly hair. I remember the look in his eyes and licked his lips as the subway is pulling out. Sarah says, What do you mean? He put his penis on your back. And I turned around and he had left a little gift for me. Stop it. Up the back of my jacket. He sprayed on you?

Yes. This is... I love your attitude, by the way. Me too, because this is truly an assault, and it's disturbing.

We can't believe that just happened. We start laughing hysterically.

Yeah, because what else is there to do?

We're pulling away from the subway station. It's not like I'm going to jump out and say anything. The jacket is gone. I disposed of that before we went anywhere, and it gave me an excuse to go shopping.

Silver lining.

Thank God, you weren't in a backless dress or something. Well, you had to wear it. Well, just where you'd feel it on your skin.

And you could just toss it immediately.

Just get it away from you.

Eew. That is so disturbing.

It was.

I'm trying to put together the timeline for him. He'd have to be close to the edge when he spotted. This all happened so quick, right? From the time you entered the staircase until you ran onto the Metro, how much time was that?

30, 40 seconds. He came from behind me right away.

He must have already been in there.

Yes, he must have been in the shadows edging.

He could have been just waiting at the bottom of the staircase because there's people hanging around and stuff like that. You don't know, and you just could turn around and then, yeah. But, yeah, we saw it in everything in his hand.

Wow. Oh, boy.

Oh, boy. And this is such a perversion. It's exhibitionist-ish, I guess.

Well, it feels like a couple of things. I think the people that rub up against people in public are called peterists, maybe. That's its own condition. Then you've got flashers, right? And that's one thing. They want to see the look on your face as you're scared. This feels like a mashup. Oh, my God.

Oh, boy. I'm so sorry that happened to you.

It was a very long time ago. I've been waiting for one of your prompts to be birth stories. So I'm like, oh, when they have the birth story prompt, I'm going to tell my birth story of my first daughter. But then I'm going through, and the other night I'm sitting in bed and I see the prompt for subway, and I'm like, wait, I do have a subway story from a long time ago. Holy shit.

Wow. I can't believe he sprayed. It's one thing to see a guy jerking off. Right. That's bad enough. That almost feels standard. I feel like once in your life, you're going to see a person in public.

Not that came up against you and slurped in your ear.

That's hopefully no one- That bumped against you. Have you ever seen a guy jerking off in public, Monica?

Probably on the street. It's not memorable, so maybe not.

I've never seen it happen again.

Wowsers. Wowsers, wowsers.

I'm really sorry, but I'm also glad we got to hear that story. This could have also gone into the cautionary tale story. It's like, Don't go anywhere.

Oh, that would be the headline of that? Yeah. Well, Kristin, thank you for telling us that. That was literally juicy. Thank you for having me. Have a great day. All right, take care.

Bye.

I'm going to tell a story. We could have called him to do this, but Aaron has a great subway story. We have the one with the guy smoking crack, which is interesting. We've had a couple. But in 2000, just before I graduated on my spring break, I convinced Aaron Dean and Bolus to go to Italy with me. They had a layover in Amsterdam, Dean and Aaron, and the layover in Amsterdam was, I think, eight hours. They were like, Great, let's go into Amsterdam. Neither of them have ever been to Europe. We're all 25. They go into town, they get space cake, they get drunk. There's probably another drug involved. The train ride back to the airport is like a 35, 40-minute train ride. And by the time they arrive at the terminal for the airport, the train stops and Dean looks over and Aaron's dead asleep. And so he shakes weekly awake and he's like, Come on, this is our stop. And he's like, Okay, okay. And then Dean gets up and he grabs his huge backpack for the big trip we're on. And he exits the train and he starts walking and he turns to see if Aaron's behind him.

And he looks and the doors are closing and he looks in the window and Aaron is dead asleep. Aaron woke up with someone shaking him awake because it was the end of the train and he woke up and there was windmills everywhere. He was in the countryside.

Oh, my God.

I had gone to the airport. I was in Venice before them for a day or two. Then I went to the airport, took the train there, and waiting for them to get off, and only Dean gets off. I'm like, Where's Aaron? He's like, I have no idea. The last time I saw him, he was asleep, and the train was leaving the station. Mind you, this is 2000s. We don't have cell phones, nothing. My entire budget for this 10-day trip was like $300 or something, right? Yeah. So, Dean and I go to the hostel. We start calling our girlfriends at home thinking someone will call someone's girl. The girlfriends will sort this out. And we thought, Oh, he'll be on the next flight from Amsterdam. We'll just go to that flight. He'll figure it out. He was not on that flight. Then we came back for another flight later in the afternoon. He was not on that flight. We walk back to our hostel. Now we're pretty worried, what country is Aaron in? And we get back to our hostel, and Aaron is sitting on the ground, leaned up against the fucking brick of the hostel with a paper bag, and he's drinking a fifth of Jägermeister.

And he somehow got there. And he was on a flight that didn't even originate in Amsterdam. I think they put him through a different city, which is why we never were at the right flight.

Right. Oh, my.

And then he threw up all over my roommate It's bad. Right. Yeah, shortly thereafter.

Oh, wow. What a life.

That's a good train story, right?

Hello. Hi. Tess, your hair is beautiful.

Thank you so much. I posted a selfie today that I was having a really good hair day, so I'm glad that you guys get to see it.

Is the humidity right where you're at or what's causing the great hair day? Curls.

You don't really ever know what's going to happen. I took a nap right after I washed it today, so maybe that is why.

When my hair was long, that was my move, is to go to bed with my hair just a little damp, and I'd wake up and have All kinds of body. I love that. Exactly. Very fun to have a playful hair day. It is. Where are you at, Tess?

I'm currently in Paris. I know. I was on a little trip with my mom. My friend lives here and is out of town and offered her apartment for me to watch her cat for 10 days.

Oh, wonderful. Amazing. How fun.

I live in Brooklyn, though.

Okay, so did the subway story occur on this trip?

It just occurred in my normal life.

In Brooklyn?

In Manhattan. I lived in New York for seven years, so I feel like I know the rules, the social morees of subway life. I had to run into the office two years ago on a Friday because I'd forgotten a pair of very expensive shoes there that I needed to return. I'd brought them the day before because they had to be returned at FedEx, and I forgot to return them. So I was working from home and I had to go into the office. I was already annoyed. It was a late October day where I was ready to stunt in my fall outfit. So I was wearing a really I have a pair of black cargo wide leg jeans, the brand A Gold, but I had rented them from this rental clothing subscription called Newly.

Oh, yeah.

Okay. You can rent six pieces of clothes a month from a bunch of different brands. I was stunting in those.

Stunting and Dose. Stunting is a new... I don't know that.

But you do. You can figure it out. It's like flossing, looking good, strutting. Yes.

I can use context, but I'm just saying that this is new. I've never heard or used that. I want to use it.

You're going to be very cool when you use it later, or maybe I'm going to be embarrassed by all my Gen Z cousins.

Just saw her Saturday at a birthday party, and she was full stunt.

I'm birthing space for stunting.

Great. Really good.

I was wearing a sweater vest. I felt very cute. It was, Unfortunately, not a weather-appropriate outfit. I was sweating on top of running around trying to find a store. It was just an all-around bad afternoon. I finally found somewhere to return the shoes. Instead of walking a little further to the 14th Street Union Square subway station, I hopped on at 28th Street just so I could connect with these very noise canceling headphones on. I was listening to 1989 Taylor's version. Oh, hell, yeah.

It had just come out.

The errand was done. I had a Halloween party that night. Things are turning around. I go down the stairs, I hop on the W train, which if you are familiar with New York, it goes basically to Queens and then to South Brooklyn. I don't live in South Brooklyn. I live in Central Brooklyn. It's not a train that I'm ever on. You The only reason I was on it was so I could switch to the Q, which is my train. So I hop on the train, everything's happy. The train is pretty full, and I sit down. I realized immediately that I had sat in a human pile of shit.

No, no. In your angle.

Wait, wait, wait.

That are rented.

Now, really quick, you could tell because you sat down and all of a sudden it was soft. You're expecting that hard plastic.

Did it make a sound?

I I don't know because I had my headphones on. It just felt wet on my ass. My stomach just dropped. I was like, Oh, my fucking God. What did I just do? I stand up and I whip my headphones off, and I look around to the people around me because there are people on the train. And this is one of those social mores. We're like, If there's shit on a train, it's empty. It's not uncommon to find shit on a New York City subway.

You're saying, generally, the move is when there's a dump in a train car, everyone just goes to another car and the whole car is empty, not that seat. Because I would say that's savage. If the rule in New York is simply everyone stays, but you just don't sit in that seat.

Every New Yorker I've told this to has been like, I can't believe people are on that train car. It's just not what you do. There's a man sitting directly across from the shit. It's like a corner seat. He's sitting directly across it. So I whip my headphones off and I look at him and I'm like, Why didn't you tell me? Oh, you're sitting in shit. And he was like, I'm sorry. And then another The other person whispered at me. He was like, I'm so sorry. I'm like, That doesn't help me. I'm like, Pointing at my shit.

I hate to do this to you, but when you stood up and you turned around to confirm that it was shit, what shit are we talking about? Was it a soft serve?

I anticipate you asking this. It was a puddle of soupy brown shit.

It was diarrheal. It was honest. Wow. Fuck. When you said it, it'd probably splash.

How much?

A big amount.

Let's put it this way. No one ever has to Oh, I got a diarrhea a tiny bit. If you got a shit in public, you were holding it and you got a lot of diarrhea, right? No one's ever done a thimble of- Well, some people chart.

It was not a chart.

It was a full of your back.

Almost as if they pulled their pants down and did it.

Well, they had to.

They did?

Of course. You can't leave a puddle of shit through your pants.

I hopped off at the next stop because I just was overwhelmed. I was crying, but I was also laughing because it was just an overwhelmingly hilarious and disgusting situation. It's so intense. Two girls in really cute clothes come to get on my train, and I go, Do not get on this train.

Yes, good.

There is shit on this train. I go into that Steviel area, and I'm sobbing and crying. I try to call a friend who lives close, so maybe she could bring me clothes. I'm just trying to figure how to get home. I'm still really far from home.

Do you have any additional garments? Do you have anything that you can take off and tie her on your waist?

No, because I was wearing a cute short sleeve white T-shirt. I was like, What Monica's wearing, and then a white, creamy the sweater vest.

Oh, my God. So cute. And it's all white.

Why can't you take the sweater vest off?

There were no sleeves. I couldn't tie it. That was like my... And I didn't want to ruin it.

I liked it. Yeah, of course.

You already fucked up this one. Yeah, okay.

Exactly. Also, did you consider calling 911? What?

That's a great question. Help. I should have. Help me, please.

I guarantee you in the annals of 911 recorded calls, there are people calling. And even if they shit themselves, maybe even. Like, I don't know what to do. I fucked up.

Please come rest to me. I fucked up.

I'm sorry.

So that's what I called my mom, who lives in St. Louis, Missouri. So I called her and I was like, What do I do? She couldn't hear me because I was crying and laughing and the trains were coming through. She just texted me like, Go to a store. I ran up the stairs. I'm on Fifth Ave, which is one of the most iconic shopping streets in the world. I'm running through Fifth Ave with my hands in the air because I'm screaming to people, a crazy person. Like, I just had a check.

Oh, my God.

Do you think people thought you were on drugs? Probably, yeah. Because you had shit, you're screaming.

I think people were like, That's her shit. Exactly.

I know. I was really trying really hard to point and be like, There's no way that this could be my shit. Look where it's at. It's on the outside of my jeans.

One time, you told me a story that you saw someone with shit all over their pants.

At the CVS, but it had bled through. It wasn't like chunks on the outside. It was workout pants, and it had bled through.

You can tell it bled.

Sorry. I have one more question you're not going to like, but we've avoided this thus far. Were you smelling it?

Yes. Yeah. I thought I had a hunch. That's another reason why I'm just so surprised with the people on the train because they were sitting with a smelly pile of shit.

At this point, can you feel it on your body? Are you like, It's soaked into my butt?

Yes, I was feeling damp. A long time ago, I used to work at Lululemon, the athletic clothing brand. When I hopped out of the subway, I saw the stylized Omega sign. I was like, Oh, my God. I know the girls at Lululemon are going to help. Those people have dealt with a lot. I used to deal with a lot. I run in and I run straight to the nearest, we call them educators at Lou Lemon. They're not that nice. Jesus Christ. So she is, they're educators. I'm waving at her and she is with a customer and she looks at me like, Oh, what the fuck is going on? She goes, Are you okay? I'm Yeah, I just sat in shit on the subway. I need new pants right now. And so she sends me over to the pant wall. So I go to the pants wall, I'm like, Give me a size six. And if any black leg, don't care. Just give it to me now. I try to get a dressing room and every dressing room is full, and I'm still freaking out. And I'm like, I sat in shit. I need to change right now.

And another customer is like, Would you like to sit down so you can calm down? I'm like, No, I don't want to sit. Do you see what's on my person? No. So I finally change into the legs ever so delicately if I don't get any of the shit onto my body. They gave me a Lululemon bag, so I could put it in the bag. Then I go to check out with the security tag still on me. I had to jump up onto the counter so they could remove the security tag. The very kind people at the Flat Iron Lululemon did give me a 75% off. They called it the YouDustatin Human Shit discount. Oh, wow.

That's nice. The educators are nice.

Yeah, it's a good company.

They were really nice. Then I took my bag of shit jeans. As you remember, I rented these jeans, and I couldn't just throw them away because if I had thrown them away, I'd be charged $220. They're an expensive brand. I just had my shit jeans in my new legging. My outfit was no longer cute because it looked dumb that I was wearing the cute sweater vest. And I went home. I grabbed my laundry detergent. I went to my laundromat. I threw my shit jeans into the laundromat with some laundry I heard it, and sat there, and then I returned them the next day. I was like, I have to get those out of my house.

So somebody else is currently wearing them.

Previously.

Now, did you consider just reaching out to newly and say, Hey, this is what happened. We got to throw these things.

Is that what you would have done?

I think so. I think so because- I would have done what you did.

Yeah. How long ago was that?

That was October 28th, 2023. I'll never forget the date. I didn't sit down on the subway for months after. Yeah. I got a lot of shame for not looking before I sat.

When music's so powerful and enveloping, one has to remind themselves to still look around.

That's really true. Cautionary tale yet again.

So many lessons were learned on this subway episode.

Thanks so much for sharing that. Thank you so much.

It's so good to meet you. All right.

Bye-bye. I'm so glad we got some poody, some poopoo.

When all these kids are listening to this show, I wonder what they're learning. They're learning about Jello leg. They're learning about masturbation while shitting.

I'll tell you what they're learning. They're learning the reality of the planet they live on. I think that's the service we provide. That's true. These are the stories people come right out with when you meet them and you're inclined to think that everything's honky dory, but then you dig a little deeper. It's like, no, everyone's been sprayed on or sat and shit, or all these things are happening.

It's a messy business.

They're coming hot and fast. All right. Love you. Love you.

Do you want to sing a tune or something? We don't have a theme song.

Oh.

Okay, great. We don't have a song song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're going to ask some random questions, and with the help of Armchairs, we'll get some suggestions. On the fly, I'm Rindish. On the fly, I'm Rindish. Enjoy. Follow Armchair Expert on the WNDRI app, Amazon Music, or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to every episode of Armchair Expert early and ad-free right now by joining WNDRI Plus in the WNDRI app or on Apple podcast. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at wndri. Com/survey.