Transcript of Armchair Anonymous: Sports Event

Wndri Plus subscribers can listen to Armchair Expert early and ad-free right now. Join WNDRI Plus in the WNDRI app or on Apple podcast, or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcast. Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dan Rather, and I'm joined by Lily Padman. Hi. Today we have sporting event disasters.

They can go disastrous in a lot of ways. You can jinks them.

I can jinks them, as just happened, carrying the burden of that. You'd be inclined to think maybe these are really only about sports. But these go in some turns. We have some twisty turveys by the end. Yeah, it's true.

Or I guess I would think they're all fights that broke out.

We only have one fight for you.

But buckle up.

Buckle up. Please enjoy Crazy Sporting Event Stories.

I'm Efau Hush. I'm Peter Frankopan.

In our cast legacy, we explore the lives of some of the biggest characters in history.

This season, Ginges Khan. Best known for his brutal campaigns, he was accused of causing millions of deaths, but he also gave his followers religious freedom and education tradition. So is there more to his story than Violence and Bloodshed?

I suspect that there might be, Peter. And since Violence and Bloodshed is basically all I ever learned about Ginges Khan growing up, I'm actually really curious to find out what lies behind the legend.

I can promise you are in for a treat because the Mongols were capable of exceptional acts of brutality. But all the stuff in the positive column either is never talked about or gets brushed to one side. So I'm really grateful to have the chance to speak up for Mongol history.

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Hello.

Are you able to hear me?

Oh, beautifully. And what a lovely inviting sweater you're wearing.

You're cute. It's very cozy.

Where are It looks like there's files everywhere or lab results.

These are actually contact lens fit sets. I'm at work, so I'm tucked away in the back office.

Are you an optimologist?

I'm an optician, but I work in an optometric clinic where we have an optometrist.

Kaylyn, can you tell us why there's so many names for this? There's an optometrist, an optimologist, and obstetrician? What did you just say? That's an OV. That's an OV, okay.

We all cover different scopes within in the same field. So obviously all eye-related. The ophthalmologist is your medical doctor who specializes in ocular health. Optometrist is the eye doctor who does your eye health exams and refracts your prescription. And then the optician I would compare it to the pharmacist. We will edge lenses or fit contact lenses.

And does the ophthalmologist, would they perform a surgery on your eye?

An ophthalmologist would, yes.

Optimologist. Is that what it is?

Ophthalmologist, yeah.

Yeah, it's I love it with a T-H, but I usually drop the H.

Yeah.

Maybe it's a Canadian-American thing.

I know you're right. I've heard it said that way, but it just is weird to me that everything's opt, but then we go, ophth. Dax is You've heard me complain enough about the product. You're obviously in Canada. Did this sport event take place in Canada? Now I regret not wearing my maple leaf sweatshirt that I wear quite often.

This did happen in Canada. The story took place late 2012. I'm in Manitoba. If you follow hockey or know anything about the NHL, we earned back our NHL team, the Winnipeg Jets, in 2011.

Why had you been booted?

In the late '90s, the Jets were moved to Arizona. It's a small market here. It's tough to support the teams. This all started when my husband at the time and I bought a new truck, and the dealership that we purchased it from had a promotion to be entered to win a trip to Super Bowl. Not a huge football fan, but that sounded really cool. Depending who you ask, we were robbed of those tickets. I would describe it as there was some shady going on with the draw, but Ultimately, what happened was the dealership as a We're so sorry about that, gave us two of their corporate tickets to a Winnipeg Jets hockey game.

Oh, that's weird. Okay.

It's a little bit of a bait and switch. But it sounds like from From your perspective, you'd rather go to a hockey game anyways?

Definitely.

But the Super Bowl is a big deal.

It is a big deal. That's the thing with these dealership sweepstakes. Somebody's buddies can always win, I think.

I don't know what happened exactly, but there was a big to do about it. We get these tickets to go to a hockey game. At that point, it was a very hot ticket, and I was about six or seven months pregnant at the time. We were really excited for a night out before the baby comes. We had great seats, and there were a couple of really strong-looking men that were sitting behind us. Funny that you had mentioned the Leaps because it was Winnipeg versus Toronto. These three or four guys were in Leaps jerseys.

Is that a mean team?

There's no mean Canadians. This is on a sliding scale. I feel like Canadians might think of the Maple Leaps as a lot of Americans think of the Yankees. They got too much money and they got too much upper hand. Is that fair?

Speaking for myself, I think that's very fair. I don't know that quite comfortable speaking for all Canadians.

Oh, no, you should. You should. You're allowed. This is your opportunity.

They were rowdy. They were having a really good time, had a couple drinks, but they were not bothering anybody. We also had noticed that sitting beside us were a couple of small, slender, really young guys. They just didn't really appear to be interested in the game at all. They didn't spend a lot of time in their seats. They would come and go really frequently. Towards the end of the game, the Jets down by one goal, and you can just feel that energy. On the ice, the fans are really into the game. There was a lot of tension. The two younger guys that had been sitting beside us finally returned for probably the last 5 to 10 minutes of the game.

I'm dying to know what they were doing when they weren't in those seats. Sexual. Were they powdering their nose? In Canada? Exactly. It's a little hard to get that up there. They don't do that there.

But who knows? Well, they do it everywhere. No, they don't do it there.

In the last couple of minutes, these two guys beside us would turn around and just were aggressively chirping at these big Maple leaf fans standing behind us who would often say things like, We're just cheering for our team. They were very intentional about not provoking.

They were de-escalating fighting.

They were doing their best.

What noble men, big noble men.

Yeah, that is nice. The tension kept building until the buzzer went. Within a couple of seconds, one of the younger guys sitting beside us pushed the closest guy to him that was in the row behind. So they pushed up.

For people who've not been in a lot of fights, this is the worst imaginable situation. You do not have high ground, you have low ground. Much easier to punch down with your weight on somebody than to punch up. Okay, So ill-advised plan from the get.

These guys sitting behind us, I don't think people typically pick fights with them. They weren't going to back down from that fight. Sure. At that point, all hell broke loose. Oh, wow. There was pushing and shoving, which turned into fist boots. One of the people beside us ended up getting drop kicked down the stadium seating. Oh, boy. It was one of the most intense and violent scenes I've ever seen in my entire life.

You're pregnant and you're pregnant and you're one foot away. What's your husband's reaction?

He was between me and them. He had his back to me. Something that I think is of note is that I am not a violent person. I'm a little bit smug in the fact that I've never been involved in a fistfight to our physical altercation with a stranger or really anyone.

Oh, you haven't lived yet.

No, he doesn't share that. The opportunity has literally landed in his lap.

He's got to be conflicted because common sense is you would go to the side of your team that you're both rooting for, but clearly the transients are assholes. Do I help the Maple Leaves guys who are my opponent or these knuckleheads who have started this? You're a bit of a moral conflict here. That's true.

This became a crowd brawl. There was probably over a dozen people against these three Leifs fans.

Wait, they were all against?

Oh, no. Well, they have because they're wearing the Outgroup's jersey.

That is very bad.

They were holding their own. When I talked to my ex-husband about this, he said, I was prepared to jump in and help if they needed it. I don't think they needed it. One of them had lost their balance, fell forward onto our seats below them, and his arms were pinned under his body. I watched this brute of a man wiggle out of his jersey with the agility of a gymnast.

Oh, my God.

Stand up now shirtless. Oh, perfect. And continue throwing punches.

People always wonder when you watch a fight, within seconds, people have their shirts off. You know they didn't stop to take it off. There is some bit of magic there.

Where are the Mounties?

The Mounties are minutes away.

Oh my God, trotting over.

A brawl in this situation is really uncomfortable to me. Especially because I was pregnant, I felt really defenseless. I wasn't able to hold off a crowd of angry men who were fighting.

Or even make your way speedily out of the crowd.

Where we were sitting was in a section next to the entrance where the Zamboanie gets onto the ice. There was only one way in and out of our section, which was through this brawl of people. I tried to remind my husband at the time, very gently, by putting my hands on his arms, I'm still here. Please think of me and your unborn child in your decision making from here on out. He showed a lot of great restraint. He ended up not throwing a single punch, did not get involved. There was blood. There was people whose foreheads had gashes opened. It was really gruesome. Finally, a security officer arrives to our section and just goes, I don't have a radio. I need help.

Can you imagine being that guy and stepping up to 15 full grown men fighting, thinking, Oh, my God, my job is to make peace right now?

I don't get paid enough for this. Exactly. Eventually, police arrived and broke up the fight. They hauled off the guys that they thought were responsible. We got out of there unscathed, which was really nothing short of a miracle. Like any true proud Canadian, when the adrenaline wore off, I wrote a strongly worded letter to the venue, and I let them know that I just thought it had been mishandled and I didn't hear a thing. I thought maybe I would get an apology, or maybe I'd be lucky and get tickets to some other event.

Some free shit. Maybe even some Super Bowl tickets that I'm angling for. Oh my God. It all came full circle.

A couple of months later, I received a phone call from our local RCMP officer who just confirmed that I was home and let me know he was going to be paying me a visit that day. He served me with a subpoena. My name got brought into this case because I had e-mailed.

Okay. Did you feel any responsibility to tell the police, Hey, the two transients started this. These three guys were stand-up dudes, and they're in an unfortunate situation.

Before we left, we actually did pull aside some of the employees at the venue and said, You've got the wrong guys. I wasn't thrilled to be subpoenaed in this trial. The Leifs fans, in this case, had been charged with assault.

Oh, my God.

Ultimately, I did receive a phone call from the prosecutor who, when they interviewed me and I said, I'm probably not your girl. My understanding is that they did settle out of court, but I was not asked to show up.

Probably they reduced the charges.

That feels unjust. I don't like that.

They're just trying to cheer. I got to be honest, in my many, many situations and crowded bars where this thing happens, it's not your stereotype of who starts. It's not the big guy, Jen. It's the little motherfucker who's got to prove something. He and his buddy who feel little, they got to pop off.

They just had sex in the bathroom.

They just did some blow in the bathroom. They were upset. Feeling themselves.

Don't judge a book.

It's very messy situations. Well, I'm glad you got out of there without catching an elbow or something.

I feel very fortunate. That baby that was in my belly is now an 11-year-old hockey-loving kiddo. He is a goalie, so he's delightfully weird. We love listening to Armchair Expert We listen in the car when we're on long drives, and I feel like I'm raising the next generation of armcherries.

Oh, please do. He told me last night.

He goes, Mom, can you tell them my favorite episode was with Mark Rober?

What's his name?

That's Arthur.

Arthur, thank you for listening, Arthur. You must be a very bright boy. Well, Kaylyn, thank you for that. That was a great story. It was wonderful meeting you.

You guys, too. Thank you so much. I've appreciated this.

Okay, take care. Bye. Opto.

Opto Dermologist.

No, but she was an obstetrician.

Yep, she was an OBE.

An optimist.

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Hello. Hi. Hello. Look at this background. Katie, yeah, it feels like we're joining you on a set, almost.

This is my meditation/creative Closet.

Yeah, it does look like you could definitely shoot a scene from that '70s show in there as well.

That's what I was going for. Oh, good. You nailed it. This was perfect timing. Because a couple of weeks ago for the new year, I was working on a vision board, and it took a life of its own, and it became a wall, and then became a whole closet. Oh, my God. Awesome.

And then really quick, the curtain, it seems to be like James and the Beanstock type of foliage.

No, that's James and the Giant Peach.

Just a tapestry. It has a bunch of mushrooms.

Just a lot of imagery. Okay, so you had a sporting event story. Where are you at? Really quick.

I'm on the Eastern shore, Virginia. My story didn't take place here, but this is 2005-ish. My parents get divorced, and I'm going back and forth between their houses.

Can I ask what age you are?

10, 11. A perfect age for divorce. So going back and forth every weekend, two very different houses. I'm at my dad's house, and he's a lifelong Celtics fan, just basketball fanatic in general, but specifically the Celtics. So he passes that on to me, and that's our bonding thing. And so whenever I'm at his house, every other weekend, all we're doing is watching the Celtics, talking about the Celtics, learning about the Celtics. He had these instructional tapes, specific to Larry Bird. That's what an adolescent girl wants to do, right? Is watch these instructional DVDs of Larry Bird talking into the camera. If you want to imagine the house from Animal House, rugged frat house vibes meets Celtics fan meets deadhead deal. Okay. He has this big open dining room, and there's no dining room table. He's nailed a basketball net above a door frame.

You were 10 or 11, and he's what? Thirteen or 14?

I was like, How young is this dad?

Exactly. No, he acts like that. He would totally own that. He was like 40 when he had me, so he was the type of dad that's a lot older.

All right. So he's like my age now.

Fast forward to 2010, and for Christmas, he's gotten us tickets to go see the Celtics.

Oh, wow. And Kevin Garnett is there now? Yes.

It's the same team, essentially, as the 2008 Championship team. So the big three, Kevin Garnett, Ray Allen, and Paul pierce, and Shaq's on the team.

Wait, Jack was on the Celtics?

One season only.

Well, what a great window you got in there.

No shit. You're dealing with three of the top 40 players of all time right there.

This is a big deal. So we're flying to Boston. It's the night of the game. Typical summer energy. Dad wants us to go to dinner before the game at the oldest restaurant in the country. It's a seafood establishment. So I actually decide to not get seafood. I get a burger.

Somebody tells me you're going to be grateful for that later in this story.

I'm not sure about that. Maybe now for getting to tell you guys the story, but at the time.

This was a bait and switch. We thought it was going to be a bad seafood, but it's a bad burger.

It might be a bad burger. Okay. Flash forward again.

It's the fourth quarter of the game. We're courtside. Oh, wow. We're behind home bench. The energy is electric. It's a close game. It's everything you could ask for. Then I turn and look at my dad and my face goes green and I'm like, Dad, I think I got a puke.

Oh, no.

Not great timing. Something you don't think about with the closeness of the seats is that the bathroom proximity is going to be a major problem.

That's the trade-off.

And so I'm booking it. As soon as I say that, he's like, Do what you need to do. So I just start, like I'm sprinting up the stairs. All I can think about at that time is, oh my gosh, my Jumbotron debut is going to be me just projectile vomiting over all these people. But I made it. I'm going into the hallway of the bathroom and just start spraying vomit down the mirrors, down the sink.

Oh, boy.

She really let it wrap.

I called my dad yesterday to get some more details. He was trailing behind me as I'm running up, and I'm sure he stopped and wanted to check the scoreboard first before he took care of me, and he said that he could smell what was happening before any vision.

Oh, no. Oh, God.

I asked because I felt like you guys would want the details. I'm What did it smell like? Sure.

I'm glad you got this detail.

And you just said it was just out of this world. Oh. He can hear it. Women just screaming, bloody murder. Just like something horrible is happening.

Yeah. And you're 15. So you've passed the threshold where you'd be a little kid that they'd feel bad for you. You're a woman enough. It's just fucking disgusting.

Yeah, I guess I haven't thought about that aspect of it. I didn't get as much sympathy as I would have. Yeah, right.

If you were 11, people would be like, Oh, sweetie. But if you're pushing 5'2, people are like, Fuck this. This gross bitch.

This nasty bitch.

Yeah, exactly. She's probably drunk.

And then he finally gets up there and he sees women fleeing the scene out of the entrance and the exit. It's like mass exodus of the bathroom. While this chaos is happening, my dad thinks to go to the merch stand. She's probably going to need another Celtic sweatshirt because I'm decked out.

This The story is filled with twists and turns because even when he said go, I thought, Oh, he's going to hang back and watch the game. But no, he's behind her. And then he's like, Fuck, I'm going to hit this merch stamp. No, that's to get her a shirt. You have a good dad.

I do. He's thinking of me, but he's really thinking of himself because he's like, I need to get back to the fucking game.

Probably spend a lot of money on those seats.

He wants to be good.

So bad. That's that tension.

He's a great dad. So he gets me the sweatshirt, and it was funny him telling me yesterday. He was like, I felt so bad for you. You had through so much. I got you the most expensive sweatshirt they had. That was him recapping it to me. The demon exorcist moment was over, and he piques his head in, hands me the sweatshirt, and he's like, We should probably get back to the game. It's a close one, and there's only a few minutes left.

We should book it back to the seats as soon as you're changed out.

You ready?

New sweatshirt on, but I had really long hair at the time, and it's just caked. But that's not a priority right now. We have a is walking me back, too. So I do the walk of shame down all those steps. At that age, I'm already really anxious and thinking everyone's looking at me and judging me all the time anyway, but I know that they were. I was acutely aware walking down those steps that everyone's like, That's the girl that was running to the bathroom, and you can smell me. But we made it back. They did lose.

Well, I think you got lucky because food poisoning, for me, it's certainly not just one That was what was weird about it. That's what they have perfected over the time they've been in business. They know how to give you just a very cute- Just a quickie.

I don't really know what the lesson and all that is. Maybe get the type of food that they specialize in.

Yeah, there you go. You should have gone seafood.

I'll take that. I guess that's a lesson. Cautionary, too. Clutching at straws, but sure. Well, Katie, it's lovely meeting you. Yes.

Can I just tell you guys really quick? I'm a therapist, and I started listening to you guys In 2020, I just started grad school at William & Mary. I was going there for clinical mental health counseling, and you have to pick a specialty when you start. I had originally picked family therapy, and I quickly lost interest in it. I was thinking about changing to addiction. I have a lot of family experience with that. I'm like, I think that's what I should do. But I was unsure. Someone in my cohort had told me about armchair. I was commuting from the Eastern Shore to Williamsburg. So it's almost three hours. I listened to you guys nonstop. And the first episode I ever listened to was day seven. And that was literally life-changing. A sign I thought that I should specialize in addiction.

And I did. And how's that going? Do you like it? We're tough.

That's the funny part. So I got out, I started working at a practice specifically for addiction, and it ended up being more prescription drug addiction, which is heavy, heavy stuff because it's usually co-occurring with with all the other substance use. So I will say it was a little much for me. Yeah.

Yeah, it's a lot. It's not for everyone. When you hear Gabor Monte, you're like, My man.

Oh, my God, I love him. That family experience stuff of being activated. So needless to say, I did resign quickly from that, but I have my own practice now, and I see everything, and I do some substance use. I do a lot of eating disorder stuff, too. So still in the addiction realm. But I just wanted to thank you guys.

Well, thank you. Thank you. Yeah, I appreciate that. Sorry on behalf of all of us.

It was a great learning experience, and it got me to what I'm doing now.

Yeah, wonderful. All right, well, nice meeting you. Take care. What is the bean stock? Jack and the Bean Jack in the Bean Stock.

Jack in the Bean Stock and James and the giant peach.

James in the giant peach, do you know, was originally going to be James in the giant raspberry?

Really?

Yeah, I just heard this. What's his name? Adol?

Roll doll. Roll doll. Wow. You know I have an original Charlie in the Chocolate Factory.

Did he write that? Yeah. What a prolific mother scratcher. What an imagination.

He was very into him for a long time. I wish you could remember the details of why...

He moved it to Peach. Yeah.

Oh, it's in the Paradise Show.

Oh, wow.

That's why I know that. A peach makes more sense because... I don't know. Because I grew up in Georgia. Because for me, it's more It's all of it.

Yeah, it should have been a cherry. It might have been Michigan's cherry. You would have remembered if it was a cherry. I think it was. No. Now that I think about it.

Hi.

Hi. What? Your shirt says, In my I wonder.

Wonder Garden. My family and I own an indoor playground.

Where at in the country is this?

I'm in South Florida. Oh, nice.

South Florida. Didn't it snow in Florida?

It did. I just saw that in North Florida, they have 8 inches snow already. Yeah, that's wild. It snowed in Georgia.

It's one thing to get a dusting every 10 years, but to get eight inches in Florida is wild. I know.

Not to say I have powers. Well, go ahead. But when I got home for Christmas, my dad picked me up from the airport and I was like, I wish it would snow. Oh, you did. And it has not snowed there in so long. And he was like, Yeah, that's not going to happen. And then in his sim mind, he was like, Oh, but I'm going to do it as soon as you leave. So sorry, or You're welcome.

Yeah, there's not a single snowplow in the whole state. That's what's funny when it happens in these places. There's just nothing. You just have to sit there and wait for it to melt. Okay, so Emily, please tell us about your sporting event story.

So this takes place in about 2005. I went to college down in Miami At the U? I did.

Best 30 for 30 ever.

To be honest, I'm not a huge sporting person, which makes this even funnier. I started dating a bartender at one of the dive bars that we used to frequent all the time. The most fun part about dating him was his roommate worked for the Miami Heat, and his roommate was actually the guy who was in charge of the Jumbotron.

Oh, wonderful.

Super cool, and we got to go to the games all the time, and I wasn't so much into it for the sporting of it, but really for the social aspect. So it was coming up on Valentine's Day, which is also my birthday. His roommate came home one day. We were at their apartment, and he was like, Listen, I have this really cool idea. I wanted to see if you guys would be game for it. We're going to have you guys come to a game, and we're going to do the kissing cam, the Jumbotron pants around and lands on different couples, and they kiss. And he's like, But when we land on you guys, Matt's going to propose, and you have to say no, but you have to do it super dramatically. Oh, there's a huge threat. Slap him in the face. Slap? Oh, my goodness. Yeah, he was like, Really roll your eyes, slap him in the face, and it'll be hilarious, and people will love it and everybody will laugh.

He has a terrible opinion on what the outcomes of these things will be.

He doesn't understand love. Yeah, tell me about it. People will cheer.

They'll be delighted that a guy got turned down and slapped in public. It's going to be a blast.

You're foreshadowing this story. Okay.

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Yeah, you're going to be on TV.

That's what I was thinking. You might be on the news after this. We even went a few days early to lock the whole thing and meet with their AV team. They're like, Okay, this is where you're going to be seated, and this is the camera angle, so you guys have to play to the camera. Just a peak behind the They plan this shit?

Well, I think they knew on occasion.

Well, they certainly planned this one. Yeah. Wow. Okay. That morning, I'm getting all dolled up because I'm going to be on TV and I'm so excited. The game starts. At one point, the roommate came over and gave us a nod like, Okay, it's going to happen soon. So be on the ready. Are you nervous? Strangely, I don't think I was because I was young and stupid, and I really saw this as- Your big break.

I would have been in the exact same state of mind. I couldn't wait for this to happen.

This is my nightmare. It comes up on the screen and they start panning around to all these different couples, and they laugh, and they kiss and everybody's cheering. And Then it comes to us. Just as we rehearsed, he stood up and he got down on one knee, and he even had a fake ring box. He presents this ring to me. And I tapped into my high school drama club training, and I really went for it. I made a choice that I was going to go for disgust. I'm looking at him and I'm like, No. I'm rolling my eyes and, Eew. What I wasn't prepared for was everyone in there to completely turn on me. They didn't just start booing. The place erupted in the loudest sea of boos. I don't know how many people fit in one of these arenas, but thousands upon Yeah, I think around 50,000, we could safely say. All directed their hate at me, screaming, Boo, boo.

Oh, fuck. That 1% of you had forecasted that this might happen. You Completely ill-prepared.

I thought I was going to be a star. You were the hero. Yeah. And I was the villain. Then were you like, They made me do it.

I thought, Mariam.

I thought it was over. But no, throughout the rest of the game, they kept panning back to us. No. At least three or four other times. Every time, all over again, it was like a running joke. The whole place was… They hated me. Ivan went to the bathroom at one point, and this group of old ladies. They were so mean to me. Oh, no. They were like, What's wrong with you? Why won't you marry him? He's too good for you anyway. Holy shit. Now I hate all these people. I started hysterically crying. He's too good for you. That's a lot of bad energy towards you. It was so awful. Thankfully, this was 2005, so there weren't cell phone videos like there are now. So I never had to think about it again. I never had to see it again. I was begging them to leave. He was like, No, we can't leave. We have to stay. Then after the game, we meet up with the whole group, and they're laughing and applauding us. And wasn't that great? Wasn't that the best? And I was like, Did you guys just experience the same thing I experienced because he became the golden boy.

Everyone in the place loved him and the sweetheart who had his heart on his sleeve and got turned down by this bitch. It's very Munchhausen-y.

Yeah, every girl in that arena wanted to marry him all of a sudden. Ask me. You should have been like, he abuses me. He saved me with my sister. I can totally see that being on the news at 05.

I didn't hear about it if it Did the roommate expose himself as always knowing that was going to happen in his celebration of how great it went? If they knew that I was going to be the bud of this joke the whole time, nobody clued me in to it. I was just completely taken aback. What do you mean everyone hates me? I'm supposed to be the star here. At one point, I even tried to say, It's a joke. It's a joke. They were like, No, you can't do that. Oh, my God. It's a little bit of hubris. It's a little bit like you went in quite cocky, and then you did get taken down. Tell me about it.

Yeah, it's pretty Greek tragedy-esque. It is. Oh, my God, Emily, how long did it take you to recover from that experience?

Thankfully, I was 19, so probably by that night, I was fine. A couple shots.

Yeah, which you had 17 natural lights, you were right back in business.

Yeah, I was fine. But I did break up with that guy afterwards, and then we lost our connection to go to the game. Whatever. Fuck him. He was a bad guy.

I don't think it was safe for you to be at those games anymore, to be honest.

I don't think so either. I was like, Public enemy number one in Miami. Who knew?

I love that the grandmas were confronting you in the bathroom.

I know. They were the worst ones. They were so evil. I couldn't believe it.

Oh, wow. What an experience.

Yeah, that's really something.

Very memorable. Well, Emily, thank you.

Thank you so much. I've been like a day one arm cherry, and my sister, Eiden, and my best friend, Esther, and I always recap each of the episodes afterwards.

Shout out Eden, shout out Esther. Two E's. Three E's. Three E's.

Three E's. I love that.

E-cubed. All right. Take care, Emily.

Love you guys. Thank you so much. Bye.

I think that happened to the best person imaginable. Yes. You would have... I can't even imagine what you would have. Well, let's be clear. You would have never been in that situation. A hundred %.

I would never have said yes.

But let's just assume.

Oh, if Arena was booing me, I would still be under the covers, for real. I have to pee.

That made me have to pee. Okay. Made the impossible possible. Hello.

Hi. How's it going?

Great. You want a fake name, which I'm always excited about. Is your real name George or your fake name George?

My fake name is George, yes. Okay.

I might intermittently call you Yorgo, the Greek pronunciation of George. Just look for that.

Where are you? I'm in LA. I'm in Calabasas, Woodland Hills area.

Okay, and you have a Yeah, you're all right over there?

Yeah, we're okay. We were surrounded by the evacuation zone. I've got 10-month-old twins, so we evacuated for their air quality. That was our first time leaving with the baby, so it was intense. But other than that, we're safe, we're back home, everyone's happy, so it's good.

Okay, good. Okay, so you attended a sporting event, I like to think you might be liable for something if you want a fake name. Me too.

There's a criminal element, but luckily, it's all okay in the end. All right. Let's hear it. Yeah, hit us. How about you, UCLA? This is at a UCLA football game, UCLA versus USC.

Perfect game. At the Coliseum or at the Rose Bowl?

It was at the Rose Bowl. Okay, so the year before, UCLA lost to USC 50 to zero. Oh, my. We usually always lose. But so this year, this was our chance, it was at the Rose Bowl, so it's packed. We're at the student section. Incredible game. It goes down to the wire. Three minutes left. It's getting clear we're going to win. At the UCLA Student section, there's no assigned seating. You can make your way to the front if you're there early. I was front row with my three friends, and then everyone just starts chanting, of course, Rush the field. Oh, yeah. Rush the field. Wow. This is like, okay, The entire student section is about to rush. I'm front row, so it's my duty to go first. Do you have a painted body? I did not have a painted body. Just classic UCLA gear.

Did it cross your mind to take your shirt off before entering the field? Because that seems customary as well.

That's part of it. I did I got to cross my mind there. Okay. Let's go, Rush the field, rush the field. But then two minutes before, they line up the SWAT team, I swear. They are in riot gear, lining up, and signs start showing like, Do not rush the field. But I'm like, Rush the...

Everyone's You're bouncing a lot here. What do you do?

Ten seconds, the clock's ticking. I make eye contact with one of these SWAT guys, and he's just looking at me like, Don't do it. I remember I just looked at him like, I am doing it. Oh, no. Three, two, one. We win. Everyone's about to follow. Here we go. We're rushing the field on front row. We go. Nobody follows us. It's just me and my three friends. Oh, no.

No one joins.

Ucla is a little nerdy.

Well, I was going to say I can't believe they were fucking shouting, Rush to the field because when I went, it was a snooze fest, and I never went back.

Yeah, US Sievers, UCLA gets hyped up. So I was like, this is our moment. But no one goes. I make it about three feet. I'd basically jump into the arms of the SWAT brigade. So I get tackled immediately to the ground, put to this crazy arm bar. There's a great picture. I think they sent you that. It was captured by the press.

Oh, my goodness. I can't wait to see. No, you're not joking. The man has you in a jiu-jitsu arm bar. He's got his legs over your chin. And you're screaming. Yeah, you're He's literally in a ton of pain.

You could tell that this guy wanted to be a member of this SWAT team. He's just the security guy.

This was his audition. Yeah.

That was founded Google results. If you just googled, UCLA versus USC fan for years. This was a while ago.

Oh, my God. You were the rowdiest fan that's ever been at UCLA.

We get escorted to go to the Rose Bowl Detention Center, but the game just ended and there's no secret tunnel here. They escort us to this detention center. Basically, it's on the other side of the stadium. We're just walking through all the fans leaving the game, hyped up. We just won. I'm in handcuffs and I look at the woman who's escorting me. This is my moment, please. I'm so sorry, but can I have five minutes celebrating with people? She's like, Sure. What?

Wow, this is mixed messages. Overly aggressive arm bar, jiu-jitsu move, and now they're going to let you celebrate a little bit.

This whole walk, I'm giving people high fives where I'm handcuffed, so I'm giving them with my head. We go to the detention center area. I'm with my three friends, and it gets serious now. We're in fake jail, but they're telling us, Now you're going to real jail. The head honcho is like, No one's rushed my field in 20 years.

Well, That's just more feathers in your cap, if you ask me.

Exactly. I didn't make it very far. But then I remember when I did get tackled, I got hit in the stomach with a baton a little bit. I realized that and I start screaming in pain like, I need to go to the hospital.

You're smart.

I feel bad because my three friends also can't do this ruse. It bizarrely works. All of a sudden, I'm in an ambulance being taken to the hospital.

You didn't even have to walk back to your car. This is working out perfectly. You got a police escort out of the stadium and now you're getting a ride out of the game.

I feel really bad, though, because my three friends, they spend the night in jail.

Oh, my God. They took him to jail for that.

Yes, scary big boy jail. Wow. Pasadena jail? That's true. They said it was scary.

I go to the hospital.

I'm there for five minutes and my cousin picks me up and I go to the after-party and it's like, Totally have to party. This is so great. Then a couple of weeks later, I get a notice in the mail that I have a court date. Pass it in a courthouse. I think it's going to be a parking ticket. There's some fine. But I show up and they're like, You're being charged with inciting a riot. Here's your public defender.

No fucking way. Oh my God. Inciting a riot? That has to be a felony, yeah.

No, I don't think it was a felony, but it was a misdemeanor. I didn't end up getting charged with it. I meet the public defender. She's giving me the rundown. And then all of a sudden, we're talking with the prosecutor. I'm like a 19-year-old kid just like, I thought this was a parking ticket. They're debating my sentence. They're doing the plea bargain right in front of me. Oh, my goodness. The big debate is, should I do 100 hours of community service with the city or with UCLA? So my public defender gets it to be UCLA, and that's my punishment, 100 hours of community service with UCLA. The next day I go to Community Service Office, and I tell this guy my story. He was this really cool guy, almost like a hippie energy, and he just laughed it up. And he said, That's ridiculous. If you sell 10 of these pamphlets, we're done here.

Oh, nice.

Wonderful. They were like 12 bucks each. I go back the next day with $120 check. He signs me off.

You just bought them yourself, I'm assuming? Yeah. He did absolutely zero hours of anything. That's what it sounds like. Still probably a net time save. At any point, had you told your parents what was happening?

Definitely at some point, I called them. My parents are pretty They thought it was funny. This story became lore. Actually, my future wife was at the game. She was a Usi student as well, and she was there with her father. Her father, a huge football fan. He was pissed why no one rushed the field. So he was going on to my wife like, Why did anyone rush the field? They should have done it. They should have done it. My wife, who I was friends with, was like, I knew this one crazy guy that did. And he thought that was so cool. And then years later, when we started dating, he was fired up to learn that I was that guy. Oh, yeah.

You got some cred. Yeah, you got a red carpet into that. Nice.

You're in a sim for sure. There's no questions.

That's fantastic. Jorga, what a blast meeting you. Great story.

Before we go, my wife and sister are the most diehard. Oh, get them in here. Here we go. Hi.

The biggest fans ever.

Oh, my God. You have a Ted Seeger shirt.

Thank you guys so much for what you do.

We love you and we've been listening for years and years.

They finish each other's sentences about your episode. It's the weirdest thing. They're not even finishing their thoughts. They're just like, ripping back and forth.

It's our own arm for their language. That's very flattering.

Enormously flattering.

You guys are all very beautiful.

Yeah, beautiful and smart. Well, like most armchairs, it's fun being honest. It's true. Yeah, pretty consistent. We've just been dreaming. Well, very nice to meet all of you all, and that Seeger's shirt looks incredible on you. Don't ever take it off. Okay, I won't. All right. Take care.

Hi.

What do you saying?

Are you tearing up?

He makes me think of your friend, Robbie, even though I've never met him.

Oh, Robbie doesn't look like him at all, but they're both smart and sports fans.

And great personalities. Yeah.

He looked like Rob McElehany.

Oh, sure. A little bit. Yeah. A little bit. That was fun. Okay. Well, yeah, that finished strong.

Sports. Go, sports.

Go, sporting team. Love you. Love you.

To We're going to sing a tune or something? We're going to have a theme song.

Okay, great. We don't have a theme song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're going to ask some random questions, and with the help of Armchairs, we'll get some suggestions. On the fly, I rindish, on the fly, I rindish.

Enjoy.

Follow Armchair Expert on the WNDRI app. Amazon Music, or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to every episode of Armchair Expert early and ad-free right now by joining WNDRI Plus in the WNDRI app or on Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at WNDRI. Com. Com/survey. What's up, everybody? It's Jason Kelsi, and I'm here with my slightly famous little brother Travis, a. K. A. Big Yeti Kelsi. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, we're here to bring you a next-level entertainment experience with our show, New Heights, where the lumbady reigns supreme. We're covering all the hardest-hitting topics in order of importance, UFO settings, the ideal PB&J combo, and Trab becoming a big-time acting star. Big-time is a big stretch. We've got can't miss A-list interviews, though. That's right. And of course, next level access to life inside the NFL and in the booth. Just because I retire doesn't mean I'm out of the game. Yeah, I mean, the old dad shoes suggest otherwise, but those are the I'm out the game shoes right there. Listen and watch New Heights wherever you get your podcast. And if you want to listen to us first without any interruptions and get bonus content, join WNDYR Plus in the WNDYR app, Apple Podcasts, or Spotify.

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