Transcript of A Silly Goose Time w/Jim Norton | Whiskey Ginger with Andrew Santino

In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. You are that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Ginger's a fugace. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse.

Ginger's all hell no. This whiskey is excellent.

Ginger. I like ginger.

Ladies, gentlemen, welcome back to Whisky Ginger. My guest today is one of my favorite people on Earth. I say that for all my guests, but I mean it once again today. It's Jim Norton, baby. Thank you for coming.Thank you.

It felt sincere.

It was a real. I bought it. It was real. I met your wife, your manager.

Our camera person.

And your camera person. Yes. You always bring a crew, an entourage? You're like a rapper. Never.

Never do. My wife and I are out doing some podcast I'm doing alone, some we're doing together. Jonathan just drives us around my manager. Sareya has been shooting for our YouTube channel, and she's really funny, and she's got great editing on the flyability. She's been doing that for us. She's filming us while we're out here.

Yeah, she looks smart. I'm always intimidated. You know when you can feel someone just like they look smart? Because I've looked stupid pretty much my whole life. Sure. Even if I'm trying to be put together, you can still go, This guy's a state-educated kid. There's no private school in this kid whatsoever.

No, it's really weird how no matter what the outfit, blithering idiocy bleeds through. I get it.

It just seeped out of my... Were you a public school kid?

Oh, yeah. I dropped out high school. I I dropped out my senior year. God bless.

Good for you. Never graduated. What was the response when you dropped out from the family? Was it like, We saw this coming.

Both. Disappointed and we saw this coming. We saw this coming and we wish that we weren't right. You were a flop. I was a flop. I dropped out. Yeah, halfway through my senior year, I went to rehab. That was the end of it.

I thought about dropping out only because I was so bad at high school. I remember junior year, people applying to colleges. That became the start of the conversation. Like, next year, it's coming up soon, all this stuff. It felt like a movie, like a John Hughes movie, where I'm like, Am I the only one not interested in college? I was like, I can't go to college. They won't let me in. I'm stupid. Then I got annoyed that I was the only one not trying to go to college. I think Arizona State is the only school that let me in. So God bless. Yeah.

I went to one semester of community college where they took... I didn't have my high school, where certain courses would give you high school and college credits. I took Western civilization, problems in statistics, English, and one other thing, and I got three Fs and a B. I got a B in English, which was merciful because he knew I was just getting sober. But the Fs were everything else. It was a disaster.

But you were good. See, that's the thing, though, as a comic, the thing you picked out, you're like, I'm good at English because I like language. Everything else who gives it, I don't care at all.

Yeah, and he also, I think, took mercy on me because he knew that I'd quit drinking and doing drugs. I think he was a kind It was probably a C minus performance, but he gave me a B just to give me a little encouragement.

English teachers and English professors are always the most rad.

Yeah. Well, there's room for error. They can't. Like a math, there's no way to spin it. If you don't know how to subtract or you don't know it from algebra. There's no way to fix that. But English, you can always a little more interpretive.

Right. They can do that thing where they're like, Well, this is how he wrote half the words because that's how he feels about the words. That was my excuse always to my parents was when I bailed on the work, I was always like, Well, it's because it just didn't connect with me. It really wasn't going to connect. It's really because I was a stupid, lazy bailout. I just would just bail out of everything.

It smells very good in here, by the way. What is it?

It's him. It's Macone, my little producer there. Great.

Yeah, we make him- Is that your cologne, your bag? What is that? It's just for you. I love it.

It smells great. What have you dossed yourself in today? They were just had a candle.

Yeah, he lit a candle for a short period of time. Oh, man, it's a nice smell. Very cool.

Yeah, we're big candle people here. It's only because this This whole studio is filled with men, and it's very... There's days where it's disgusting because it'll be like falafel, sweat. The summers, this is not the nicest place.

Right. Yeah, I came in a good time of year, I think.

Yeah, this is like Venice, Italy. It's like, Oh, just come in the winter. That way you won't smell the trash. I'm curious to know because, again, just met your wife for the first time, and you started a show with your wife, and you're touring now. You're back touring again. Yes. But you said before the show, I'm interested, you've never lived with someone. You've only lived alone. Never.

I lived with roommates, Jim Florentine and his girlfriend, and like 2000, maybe '99 to 2002, roommates. But I've never had lived with a woman ever until Nikki, and that was during the pandemic. She was in Canada because she couldn't get into the US over some stupid marijuana thing. So it took us five years of immigration nightmare. So I would drive up to Montreal every Thursday from New spend the weekend with her and drive home and go back to the radio show. My producer Travis called and goes, Hey, man, they might close a Canadian border. I literally packed up a suitcase. Within an hour, I was on the road. I just drove to Montreal, and I was there from May or March of 2020 until July of 2021. I was in Canada for 15 months during the pandemic. That was our live together experience. Right.

Forced but also promoted. You were into it anyway. It was like almost they made you do it, but you were ready for it anyway.

Thank God for the pandemic. It was a blessing. The pandemic is one of the best times in my life because even though it was awful, I got to see what it was like to live with Nikki. I got to see if I liked it, if we were compatible. We were. It was like it worked. We didn't kill each other. It worked really well.

I hate to say that, but for a lot of people, the pandemic was a blessing. For us, it was a blessing. Bobby and I started Bad Friends, the podcast together because of him getting out of rehab, his dad dying. It was like we knew something was coming, we were getting locked down, and then we were like, Well, fuck it. Why don't we just make the show together, test every day, have the crew isolated? Then that was the most fun thing we got out of it. It was like we didn't have to worry about schedules. Like, Dude, you're going to be in Omaha when I'm in fucking Miami. It was just like, We're here, we have nowhere to go. That was my living. That was my first time living with an Asian man.

Yes, understandable. I've not done that yet, but if things don't work out with she and I, I'm definitely looking.

The pot is you two that you started, separate of your own show. It's It's you guys. Is it just about your relationship and your growth together and stuff? What is it?

It's just slice of life stuff because everybody has opinions about trans people. It was just this thing, we're married and this is what our life looks like together. It's not much different than most people's lives together. That's the point of it. I think that we're funny together. I think our chemistry and dynamics are very legit and good. I'm not allowed to do a podcast because of my radio contract. We're going to do a video one where we'll see how that goes. We're going to be putting up the first test episode probably next week, but it's just trial and error. And call it Jim and Nikki, yeah? Nikki and Jim because I like the alliteration of that better. I like how that sounds better. Jim and Nikki. I just didn't like the way that Nicki. Nicki and Jim. Nicki and Jim.

It's also putting her first is more important.

Yeah, I didn't mind. We're not going to call the podcast that because guy, girl names are just shitty. Nicki and Jim NYC is the channel, but it's easy to remember. We just did that so people would remember it. But I don't know what to call the podcast yet.

That's funny when you're like, if people have opinions about trans people, you You're going to have Shapel come and moderate one of the episodes at some point.

Yeah, Shapel would be great. I'm not bothered by anybody's opinion. I don't care. I don't give a fuck how people feel. It doesn't bother me. As long as they don't want to legislate that we can't do what we want in life, they feel how you want. I don't give a shit. Fact.

Yeah, that's a good way to look at it. That's like we were joking yesterday in the studio about, I don't know how it even got into these political opinions or whatever. And call it maybe apathy, unfortunately. But if somebody's like, How do you feel about this? A gay marriage or whatever. I care so little about even arguing about it or whatever. I don't know if that's healthy or unhealthy that I'm like, I couldn't care less. I hope everyone gets to do everything. So it's like, maybe I should be more involved than caring, but I feel that way about most shit where I'm like, I don't give a fuck. Do whatever everybody wants to do. It doesn't bother me.

I think it's all fake. It's so funny to watch everybody thinks that they are a warrior in the cultural battle. It's just like, You're an embarrassing douche. Shut up. Shut the fuck up. Stop trying to be more than you They're like, We must not relent. It's like everybody thinks that they're fighting the good fight. It's like, Go fuck yourself. I'm not interested. I'm not impressed. I'm not offended by it. It's not upsetting. I just find it boring, and I just think it's predictable, and it's just banal. I just can't stand it. When people start to really get angry that their opinions aren't being... I'm just bored with them.

I think the reason people do it is because it gives people something to do. It's almost like why people love gossip. It's because it's something to pass through time. Because if they're not really satisfied with whatever the fuck it's got going on in their life, if you're satisfied in what you're doing, you probably have little time to give a fuck about other people's shit. I just don't care enough. I want to do my thing. It's hard for me to hear what someone else is up to and to be like, What do you think about that? It's like, I don't care. I'm sorry, but I don't care. It's a little self-involved, but I'd rather just do my own shit.

Yeah, or I have opinions on things, but I don't care if you agree with them. I'm okay with people not agreeing with my opinions. I don't need you to agree. If other people don't agree with them, I can still like them.

Sure, yeah. I don't give a fuck.

People are like, Are you friends with that guy? He's racist. I don't give a shit. I'm not. I don't care what he is. Fucking yell at him. Right.

This divide happened solely because of, I think, the Trump division of America was like, You cannot be friends with this other person if they think differently than you.

Yeah. Although we were like that before, I think it became worse. I did 24-hour news cycle, really, for everybody, because that's what everybody just started noticing and You're becoming obsessed with the story, and you couldn't get away from the story. But yeah, Trump, definitely, that made it worse.

It polarized everything. It became so glaring that it was like, That's how you feel? Yeah. Fuck you. Yeah. Then they tell all their friends, I remember there were comics that we know I'm not going to say. But guys that on their page were like, If you are even remotely associated with this Trump thing or whatever, it's like, I'm blocking you, deleting you. It's like, What? Who care? Why do you care what other people are up to.

It's embarrassing because, again, everyone's identity is wrapped up in all this shit. Trump is way more... There's a lot of the hardcore right wingers. I can't stand the religious shit. But I'm friends with Don Jr. He was always great to me. I've interviewed Trump for UFC not too long ago. He couldn't have been nicer. We talked all sports because it was a sports podcast. We talked all about boxing, and people were like, How could you interview him? I was delighted. If Obama wants to sit down or Biden, I would give them the same amount of respect and adoration as a former president, as a current president. I would be delighted to talk to any of them. Yeah, of course. If Putin wants to come in and talk about fucking Sean Strickland, I'd be happy to sit down with Putin. I don't give a fuck.

I think his Red Cross is weak. Yeah, exactly.

I'm happy to talk to any of these guys. It's this whole thing where they're all mad at Tucker because he interviewed Putin. What other journalists have interviewed Putin before? They've interviewed Bin Laden when he was in a cave years ago. Who the fuck are you going to tell someone not to talk to the former President of the United States? Shut up.

And the interview in the cave, by the way, it was so sweet and heartfelt. It felt like it was like, so how are you doing? It was almost like an Oprah in a fucking interview.

Well, you don't want to say the wrong thing either. You just got to agree.

He's like, how am I?

You see a stomp and a sword next to it. You're like, that's where my head goes if I ask the wrong question. That's a pressure. That's where you kiss the ass of the person you're talking to a little bit.

You're kissing the ring a little bit. A little bit. Yeah, they have home field advantage for sure. Yeah, please.

The skyline is much better without those stupid buildings. You were right.

We didn't like that plane anyway. Those were bad. American Airlines is just not for me, man. Absolutely. I'm a united guy.

I'm almost as bad as the Max, which will be coming shortly.

Now I can't get that out of my head as much as we travel. Jokingly, we were coming back from Reno and we were trying to flat out. It was a crazy, flabbergasted storm a couple of days ago. We were afraid we weren't going to get out, and they were like, Look, we're going to de-ice, but we might have to just go back because it's wild. And the whole I'm like, God, is this one of those moments where they go, We can't believe the door ripped off. Also, we're flying through a storm because it was wobbly, bobbly, dude. Getting out was sideways. I thought, Is this where the wing just falls off? Am I in that? Because I don't ever mind flying. We fly so much. But when it's storm weather, I'm always like, God, this is it.

How bumpy was it?

Pretty bad. On the way up was bad, bad. After that, we were fine. But I mean, the way up was the take-off because being from Chicago, I remember flying out as a kid all the time in snowstorms. You got used to it. But whenever you take off and it's sideways, then I get-Yeah, that sucks.

How far as we drive? Because I am, oh, wow, it looks like it's going to be cloudy. Rent a car and drive. I'm so fucking stupid. I was in Austin not too long ago, and a part of me wanted to drive back because the weather was going to be bad. I'm like, You pussy, just get on a plane. To New York? I didn't do it. That is a forever drive. The fact that the thought was there, I should be executed. How long of a drive would Reno have been?

Seven and a I think it said. Seven and a half or eight.

I would have been a fucking car renting. Really? Yeah, for seven and a half. Buffalo, Toronto to New York, 100%. Because I did Montreal every weekend, so it's like, that's six hours each way. I would do radio, be done by 11, drive right up, see her, drive home Sunday morning and repeat.

Yeah, but you were going for love. We were just coming home.

I was actually going to make sure she didn't think any French-Canadians while I was paying the rent.

Jim, you're here so early.

Yeah.

Is she fluent in French?

She hates French, as do I.

People or the language or both?

The language. The annoyance of them doing it in a pharmacy and pretending. We would go to Saint-Sever in other places. In the pandemic, we went everywhere just to get out of Montreal. When they don't speak English an hour from upstate New York, it's hateable. It's infuriating. It's weird.

Well, every time I went to do JFL, every time I ever went up there, all the comics, West Coast guys, because we're so far removed from that, everyone's like, It's like we're in Europe, man. It's like, No, it's really not, dude. It's weird Canada. This is Goofy Canada.

That's all it is. You're not almost in Europe. You drive an hour from now, you're in a Toronto in a ghetto. You're not in a foreign Europe. But look, I love Canada. I love the people of Canada. They were very good to us. They allowed her to come over and stay, and they gave her a visa to stay, and they gave me a visa. As an American, you just keep reupping it. But the Canadians could not It would have been nicer. My life today is possible because the Canadians were so generous to us. I feel like they love Canada.

Except for this weed charge that you were talking about. That is a big deal.

She's from Norway, so that was in Norwegian. They didn't stop her from going into Canada, but the US put us through ringers for five years. She was rejected five times. It was a nightmare.

Can you imagine 250 years from now, 200 years from now, when there is a joke about getting busted for weed at the border, they'll be like, That was honestly a thing?

No, she got busted. She signed a ticket in Norway because she had sent a text message about it to somebody. And then the police arrested her friend on an unrelated thing and looked through her phone and found this text. It's insane. It was a ticket that was signed. There was never possession.

That's like PSYOP shit. That's crazy.

It was so hard because you can't prove amount. You can't prove that it was below the amount that you need to get away. The immigration lesson I got in five years, you become a pseudo expert on immigration and what's wrong with it. But I also get why people sneak in. I used to drive in when she was in Canada and think, I got to put her in the trunk and she'd be in the country. She wouldn't, but they probably have things that look in the trunk.

But that was a fetish of yours, was having a woman in the trunk.

Well, there's been so many before. I'm like, Why not your wife? Future wife. She'll actually enjoy it.

She's like, I don't think we need to be in the trunk. You're like, I think we do.

I can't get high without the trunk.

I'm not going to come unless you're crawling out of the trunk.

If there's not a metal roof, it's over our head, my dick won't function. But it was frustrating.

But now that The happiness has ensued. Now you're together in New York and everything is all good. Are you still in this newlywed phase of learning the things that piss you off when you live together?

We've been married for two years and we've been engaged since 2019. No, we know each other very well. We argue annoying. She annoys me when we argue and she cries a lot when we argue. She just gets emotional. It's like that shit that annoys every couple. I annoy her because I go into lecture mode. It's the stuff that annoys every couple. But no, I'm happy. I'm so grateful she's here. That even when I'm mad at her, I'm like, if they told you five years ago, this is what it would be, you'd just be sitting at home with nothing to do and she's bitching about wanting a new sofa, you would have signed up for this in a second. I would have in a second said, I'll take it. She's here. We're allowed to travel together and live together. It's all I wanted, so I'm happy.

That's phenomenal. Yeah, I'm really happy. Now, is she going to come with you on the road because you have a bunch of tour dates this year?

She comes, yeah. She gets bored on the road because, again, Norwegian is a very stoic weird people, so they don't get jokes. She's very literal as a person, which drives me nuts. There's no subtlety or nuance. No nuance? Yeah. Two Jews walk into a bar. Why didn't they order a drink? All right. It's just not...

That's a little That's what that guy likes, though. It's that. She's like, Why are these Jews in that bar?

But you know what I mean? It's like that level of literal thinking, which hurts. But yeah, she comes on the road with me and she gets very bored.

Well, I mean, so do we sometimes. Even if I try to pack our days with stuff when we're on the road together. There are those moments in the hotel where you're like, oh, God, I don't want to be home.

Are you married? Yeah. Oh, so do you bring your wife sometimes? Pretty rarely because she doesn't want to go.

If it's a city where we know somebody or we have family or friends. If she's like, Oh, you're going to... I want to go there because I can see so and so and so and so. And then there'll be things to do. But if I'm like, Do you want to go to Lincoln, Nebraska? She's like, Get the fuck out of here. No, I'm not going. No. Unless there's a targeted to do or someone we know, then she won't go.

Something to see an event. But for me, I like to bring my wife because I really don't cheat on her, which is crazy because I was such a shit partner my whole life. And with her, I've actually been a really honest good husband. I don't fuck around because I'm afraid that if I do it and get away with it, I'll do it. I just don't want to wreck my marriage. But that's another reason to have her on the road, too. You know what I mean? Because it's hard not to look at, go on a line. To look at everything.

See, it's funny because I really enjoy nothing more than after the show, going back to the hotel and being very sad and eating. That's my coming.

I like that, too. That's my coming. But I do that also. They're not mutually exclusive. I don't jerk off and then go to the gym. I arc one on myself. I wipe it off with a sock and then order a cheeseburger. That was a fucking very A healthy day.

I order the cheeseburger right as I'm coming. I just want to call down.

I can't come unless I'm looking at it. Smell of fries in the room.

I had one time, this is where... I don't know where we were, but a guy that came into the room. You know these old... There's always the porno joke of the cleaning lady that comes in. Sure. This guy. I had a guy come in. I think we were in Philly. I think we were in Philly. And the guy, we ordered room service. We had been traveling. I just wanted to shove in the face and then nap before the show. And this guy came in and he was young, good-looking guy, foreign. And he dropped off my food and I signed the thing. We were chatting just for a second. It was really nice. And then he was hanging around. And I was like, All right, man, I'm just going to eat up. And he's like, Do you need anything else? I was like, No, no, I have everything I need. He's like, Nothing at all? And then for a second, I was like, Do I have to this guy?

Oh, no.

Do I have to this guy? And I didn't because he wasn't my style. But I was like, Do I just have to play into the part that he wants me to play into?

Were you wearing snug underpants? Maybe he read the wrong message.

No, it's like whenever they do come to the door, though, I'm always overly conscious because I'm always usually naked in my hotel. Sure. I'm almost never closed. For some The reason I always believe that the moment you walk into a hotel room, get naked. Why else are you? Do you have this little cute private room?

I'm leaving my asshole print on every bit of furniture.

That's why whenever you look at a chair, someone's like, Can I sit there? I'm like, You can. I won't. I will not. They haven't flipped I cover my cushion enough. But I always get naked in the hotel room and I sleep naked. That was a point of contention. I asked my wife, I was like, Should I not be sleeping naked? She's like, No, they clean the sheets. But then I think, How much gross shit was in this hotel?

Yeah, put your head's on the pillow. So if you're dick and eyes touch it, who cares?

Your fucking head is touching it. Well, and sometimes I put the pillows between my legs. I don't do that. No, I do. That's bad. Now that I think my cock and my balls and my asshole are on most of those pillows. Because you know they're not clean in those cases. They're like, Yeah, no, we'll flip them.

I hope not, if you're hearing that.

No, they just put them from one room into the other room. That's all they do. They just keep switching them out and moving them around.

Do you think the guy wanted a tip? Did you tip? Oh, of course, I tipped. Yeah. I said, Maybe he's like the doorman, the Jefferson's. Remember that guy would always show up and just keep his Keep his hand up. Maybe he wanted to fuck you. It might have been the thing. He might have got a vibe from you. Should have done it. Did gay guys hit on you a lot? Maybe he thought you were like...

No, I don't exude any... I don't think gay guys think that there's an opening there, but I do think sometimes I'll be friendly enough where maybe they'll go, Maybe I can fuck this guy.

Yeah, he's on a road, maybe he wants to blow a job.

Yeah, sure. Exactly. Which I heard the other day from Dan St. Germaine had a great bit about that. He's like, I got my cock sucked by some guy in college, but that wasn't even close to the gayest thing I've ever done. He's like, I was in Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor dream come. He's like, That's the gayest thing I've ever done.

He's hilarious. Yeah, he's such a funny dude.

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Ginger. I like ginger.

But it is true that it's like, if you pick and recount all the times you had one of these little like, Is this a gay moment or am I reading this totally wrong? Yeah. Like, how many you've had over the course of your life?

Because I-Myself, but 40,000. Yeah, all of them. Yeah, a ton of them. And they all were.

But I've heard you say, someone asked you, someone said, Are you gay? And you said, No. No, I'm not. And you said, But I'm not afraid of dicks.

Yeah, I don't claim to be straight either. That's the thing people don't hear. They're like, He's married to somebody trans, and he's delusional. He's not gay. I didn't say I was straight. I don't think if you're married to somebody and there's a dick in play that you're straight. I mean, sorry. I don't know why that's a news flash for people. But some people will disagree like, You're 100% hetero. I'm like, Really? Is that what your first gender studies professor told you? I don't agree.

If it's changing shape so much anyway, it's weird that the irony is people are like, people can be fluid now. Then if somebody does claim something, they're like, Well, you can't do that.

This is where progressives are interesting to me. They are so obsessed with saying, No, you're totally hetero. And it's like, you think you're progressive, but you're literally married to the idea of 1950s where the only right answer is hetero. That to you is the answer that everyone should be striving for. And it's just silly.

It's weird. I saw a clip on TikTok the other day, people going back and forth about a girl. She went to a lesbian bar, straight girl, went to a lesbian bar. And she was like, My straight guy friend came in to drop something off to just say hi and then leave. And a woman walked up to him and was like, You're not supposed to be here. And she was like, Are straight people not allowed in gay bars? And then, of course, there was half of the gay contingency online was like, Yeah, of course not. You're not allowed to be. And the other half was like, Nobody gives a fuck. And I was like, This is America in a nutshell. There is Nobody can agree on anything anyway, so don't be a dick and just do your own thing. It's the consensus of all these opinions because everyone's got such a polarizing opinion about it. You're like, I don't think it really matters. In fact, Justin Martindale, great comic, I don't know if you know him, but he used to drag me to gay bars in West Hollywood. I lived in West Hollywood constantly. I was always like, Are people going to care that I'm here?

He's like, Not even a little bit. Why would they give a shit? He's like, If you're cool with me and you're not being an asshole.

Sure, yeah, long as you're not rude. I don't even know if I believe. I believe your story, but I don't even know if I believe the guy. That sounds like one of those anecdotal things. A woman joking, goes, Hey, what the hell are you doing here? And then all of a sudden, he's like, And they told me not to come. They made me leave. And now it's a story.

It sounds like at a rally, it's like, Can you know what they did to me?

Yeah, what? They made me leave.

Who's at? Who's at? Open up. See who it is. It was like a surprise. Can I sign for for Antle? Oh, yeah. Hey, man. Is Matt not there? You can just drop it there. He can sign for you.

Oh, is that a delivery? That's funny. It's funny.

House vetter. All right, thanks, man. That's hilarious.

It'd be funny to say, What do they delivering? A funny guest, and then a better comment comes in, I have to leave.

Thanks for your time, Jim. No, what's so funny is that guy and the other guy, the one time he goes, package. And I go, yeah, you just leave it there. And then he threw it against our outside door. And I was like, all right, right on. I think LA delivery guys, they have it too They don't have to face any of the elements. It's always sunny. They never have a fucking... There's no hiccups. It's like the mail carrier in our neighborhood, he's the meanest motherfucker on Earth. He's so mean, and I love him because he's an asshole. I'll go, Hey, man, can you mail this out? He's like, No, put it in the box. I don't touch. He'll make me wait a day to come grab it. I think it's because he's sunshine living.

Yeah, they're really shit, the employees of the post office. They really are. I had one recently. He was these cunty twice to me and Nikki, and so I filed a report against him. The post office just drags their feet on it, but I wanted this guy executed. I wanted to hear what happened. Yes, we took your case. He went to his house. We burned it while him and his family were asleep. I was fucking livid.

We murdered everybody that he knows. We stole from him. You now own his estate. Whatever he used to have is now your property. What happened? What was you just being an asshole?

Just a jerk, awfully scolding everybody. Just a nobody, an emasculated from nothing. Just a lump. You just see him sitting there with his mask on, his little shit head. But you know what it is? The problem is these poster guys now ring cameras and porch cameras are phoning them up and they can't do what they want. When you tell a guy, just leave it, he's like, now I can throw it. That's his chance to act up and do what he wants to do.

That's his fuck you to me.

Exactly. He's allowed to because you told him to leave it there.

I did, too. Yeah, that's also true. We've also been porch pirated a few times. We got jacked when we were gone. This is so insane. Of all the things to steal off of our porch, of all the bullshit packages that come that are just paper towels or whatever, it was a family ring for my wife. I know. My tax returns, which is insane. Crazy. And then a box of gifting stuff for the show. And so I didn't care about anything but the family ring. I was like, What a fucking... But also, what a gamble for that person that got it. Of all the shit that they steal, that they steal, throw it away, steal, throw it away. I was like, Man, that motherfucker came up. Good for that bitch. And she looked right at our camera, and we gave it to the police. The police were We're not doing anything with this. We couldn't care less. They don't care. They're like, We're the LAPD. We don't fucking... This means literally nothing. I hit a guy with my car, and cops never came. I hit a man years ago with my car. Wow. Yeah, he's dead for sure.

Sure. There's no doubt in my mind. Good for you. Yeah. But I hit him, called the cops. They'll come soon. Call them 20 minutes later, 30 minutes later, never came. The guy left. He walked away. Yeah, good for you. He wasn't straight. Sure. He gives a shit.

He's gone. Do you take your insurance papers?

I've told this story, too, but They were acting so shady, and I kept being like, Give me your number. And his buddies were like, Let's get the fuck out of here. They were being weird. I thought one of these guys doesn't want to see the cops for some reason. Yeah.

I had a guy. I was leaving the Lincoln Tunnel, the Holland Tunnel in New York on my way to a gig, and this guy said, I scraped this vendor. I was with Karen Feehan, and she's like, No, you didn't. I'm like, Oh, this jerk off is trying to scam. I wanted to go through the tunnel and have him do it in Jersey because the traffic was so bad. But he flagged down the traffic cop, and they made us pull over. He goes, Wait for the police. I'm like, this is going to be like, I'm going to miss the gig and there's a lot of money, and he's trying to fuck me to pay him. But I wound up just getting his number or whatever, and nothing ever came of it. We traded information, but it's like, they fuck you like that to try to get you just to hand them cash. Sure.

Well, that happens all the time, though, too. There was a girl, a friend of mine, Brianne. She was parked out front of our old neighborhood. We ran into her, we were walking to get coffee, and we watched this old Russian guy just slam right into her car. I mean, we were watching it happen in slow motion. I was What the fuck, dude? And he gets out and he's like, No, you're part of a lie. And I was like, No, she's in the... You pulled into the spot. And then me and him are arguing. I'm like, fighting for her. You know, you get caught up in something. You're like, I don't even want to be doing this right now. How did I get stuck in? I'm yelling at this guy. And then at some point, he goes, What do you want? What do you want? And I go, It's not my fucking car. You give her your information. You fucking hit her, you dickhead, because he was trying to walk away. And so then he grabs his wallet, pulls it out, and it's Kastanza style. It's like a fucking novel. And he just grabs a ton of cash.

He's like, Good? And I go, Yes, very good. Do you know how much it was? Honestly, if I'm not exaggerating, stack of hundreds. I don't even know. Maybe like 1,200, 1,300 bucks. It was like this.

He didn't want any problems.

Yeah, obviously, he didn't want to see the police at all. But I handed it right to her. I was like, Okay, that's pretty fucking nice. That's nice.

Yeah.

Also, I almost wanted to be like, Do I get some negotiation kickback? Yeah, exactly.

How about a percentage? She gave you nothing?

No. Well, I don't know. I think she needed it more than I did at the time, which is funny. Now she's She's on a huge Netflix show called Genie in Georgia. Do you know what that is? Anyway, it's- I don't. When I met her, she was an actress doing a guest star on an old show I did call I'm Dying Up Here About the Comedy Store.

Oh, I remember that show.

She guest-starred on it, and then now she's more famous than anybody from our show.

When I did Lucky Louie, there was a scene, it was an episode where Mike Hagerty played, I think it was Mike Hagerty and Laura Kutlinger played a couple, and they had a niece or something staying with them, and she was really brady, and she hits on Louis. It was really funny, and it was Emma Stone. You see it years later, and it's like, wow, who knew? That little scene. That's not what made her, but I mean…

No, I think that did. I think that was the thing. It was just the scene. It was just that one scene.

She's always nice to me since then, which is so polite. I'm a nothing. You know what I mean? She was always very nice after that, which she didn't care.

Yeah, but it's nice to know that I give people the benefit the doubt than you hear. Like you were just talking about before about Don Jr and all that stuff. I think people's assumptions of who people are dynamically changes. If you spend six seconds with them, you go, Yes, you may amplify your character for the sale of whatever you're doing in the entertainment world, you probably aren't that person that most people think you are. It's nice to know that she's probably still as humble as she ever has been, even though she's super famous. I think I meet more people in in our business in the entertainment world that aren't assholes that people might think are than are.

Yeah, I think most people I've met were fine. You know what I mean? Yeah, they're fine. I interviewed Weinstein years ago, and he was very nice. He was in our studio, so I didn't actually see the other side of him, but he couldn't have been more pleasant. Right. So I guess if you have an interaction with somebody and it's tolerable, your view of that person changes because they were nice to you.

Well, yeah. It's like we tried to get Epstein on the show years ago, and we just couldn't.

He was just so busy. I know. His flight schedule. His flight schedule was always an easier booking. I know.

His flight schedule was fucking insane. This guy was nonstop. Now, since you're a New Yorker, have you gotten a chance to go in the tunnels in Brooklyn that they dug underneath?

No. We got to get you down there, dude. No. You mean the Hasidic Jews?

Yeah, you got to get down there.

I don't know how anybody knew they were Jews. That's the fascinating part to me is that somebody is listening going, There's Jews under there. It's like, How do you know they're Jews? They sound like Jews.

As they tapped their fingers. They're down there. I know they're down there. Validating all the Q-Anon blogs, like fucking immediately. I told you. I fucking told you they live underground.

Why don't you go back to New York with your Jew tunnels? All right, good. I don't know what that was. It was weird, but I didn't find it... What were they doing? Was it like a doomsday prep thing? I don't know anything about it.

I think part of the truth that we heard was that it was to get from place to place during COVID because they weren't supposed to.

Oh, go out? Yeah. They dug tunnels?

Yeah. I mean, it sounds like something fun to do. You know what I mean? It's almost like someone's going to dig a tunnel and you're like, That's not a fucking... I'm bored.

I might dig a tunnel. Why don't you just take the ticket? Isn't that easier? Let them give you a ticket.

Yeah, fuck it. Yeah, just take the ticket.

Take the ticket. Pay the ticket.

Or dig the tunnel and have an adventure with your friends. That's their Goonies. I guess so.

But how do you dig in New York City?

It seems insane. There obviously was something... Well, half of New York is buried underground anyway. I'm sure there was stuff already built out that they were like, Holy shit, if we remove this thing, look at all the shit that we saw. Right, right, right. We can't dig in LA. We tried diligently, but it's just bedrock, man. We can't get down. It is, right? Sad. Yeah, we can't get down there until the big one shakes us off the fucking planet. We had three days of rain, and half of the city is shut down.

I've been here all three days. I love the weather. And I came. I brought the rain with me.Thank God. God bless.Fund little cute jokes I bring. But yeah, it's weird. I've spent a decent amount of time here. I don't think I've ever seen it like this before. I've seen rain, but never three horrible days in a row.

Yeah, people lose their minds. And that becomes a joke in and of itself. People are like, We don't know how to live in the rain in LA. It's like, yeah, but they literally built this place out of paper machete. Everyone I know's roof is falling in. I mean, we did not build anything, correct? We built it as cheap and fast as possible because people are like, what's going to get to it? I remember when I first came out here, my mother came and visited and was like, I had flat windows, so they don't physically close all the way. They just layer. And my mom was like, What about heat and cold leaking out? I'm like, there's nothing to get out, really. It doesn't matter. It doesn't get. I know. You don't need to be sealed. Let it go. But she was like, That's for the beach. I'm like, Yeah, I know. It's not a real place.

Slats suck, by the way. Whenever I go to a hotel and they only have blinds or slats, I want to fucking throw a rock through the window because I need a pitch black to sleep. Me too. When you go to a hotel, any hotel that doesn't have room darkening, blackout pitch black curtains is a shithole. I can't stand it.

I like the ones that have a shade, a thick curtain One and another one? Yeah.

These guys. Elvis's road crew to come in and put tinfoil on the windows. He used to put tinfoil on the windows. Really? Yeah. You tinfoil the windows so that there's no light.

Nothing's coming in.

Yeah, because apparently Elvis would be up all night exercising.

He was, right? He was a very fit man.

Yes, he was doing judo. He loved breathing exercises.

He would put stuff up his nose to breathe.

Yes, and clean a mirror at the same time. But they said Elvis's people would put tinfoil on the windows to block any and all light, and I just love that.

That's sexy as shit. Yeah, that's great. Well, there should be at least... Every hotel should have at least one floor of recluse rooms where it's like there's no windows. It's totally... But I wouldn't mind no window. I close them off anyway. I just spent a week in New York, and I don't think I fucking opened the blinds once in the hotel room. That's not what it's for. I'm there to go to bed, and that's the end of it.

How is your view, though? If you have a nice view of the park or downtown or whatever, nothing, just shit.

Just some more bullshit. What hotel? Some more Old guy. The One? Yeah. I don't know. It was uptown because we were doing a press thing. It was 58th and seventh or something like that. Oh, okay. Just below the park. So there wasn't a view of the park. You could see the hotels facing the park. Yeah. You're right off of it. No, it was fine. It was a nice hotel. But for me, hotels, especially when I'm on the road, I have no interest in enjoying the room. I want to put food in my body, jerk off on myself, fall asleep. Sleep immediately. Yes.

A nice comfortable bed, blackout curtains, a good air conditioner. Courtyard Marriott's rule. I literally have left. I won't stay in West End because they itch. The sheets itch. I have very delicate skin, so I like a good Marriott. That's all I need to be happy.

Do they have itchy sheets? I never noticed.

Yeah, I don't like the detergent. Believe me, I had my road manager. He did a deep dive on all the companies that are owned by this parent company use this detergent. It's a fucking nightmare. I'm difficult. Wow. Yeah, I'm a No, I never knew.

Who would have known? Well, what do you find? Do you find the highest-end hotels? Do they satisfy you or no? Some do, some don't.

Some do, some don't. The Courthouse by Marriott is the best hotel. I'm so comfortable in their bedding, and the air conditioner is so potent. It's really just an awesome sleep experience.

This is interesting to go down which ones are good and bad.

Yeah, I'll stay in. Some are great. Sometimes you don't know. I don't like Ws. I don't like Weston's because, again, they have that itchy, whatever their laundry detergent is, fuck me. I don't like a stiff sheet. I don't like a shit boutique hotel. Give me a gentleman's old school of fucking Four Seasons. I love stuff like that, like a Ritz, a gentleman's establishment. Right.

Well, those are fancy ones. The Courier Marriott is half the price.

Oh, yeah, but it's also-Double the value.

Yeah. Well, anywhere my dad stayed while he was a traveling salesman, I was like, Those are the hotels. He did a lot of cour yards, a whole bunch of cour yards.

They're great, man. They're so comfy. But I don't like five stars if they're itchy. I I just don't. Anything that's boutique or hipsterish, I despise.

Yeah, because the hipster thing is just a high-end cheapy version of what they... They're trying to make it look like a barn or some shit like that. Exactly.

Yeah, it's funny you say that. I did New Year's Eve in Poughkeepsie two years ago, and they had one of those boutique hotels, and the bathroom door was on a giant track above it. It was a big, heavy barn door. I'm like, What the fuck? Stop with the cowhide shit seats. Nobody likes that. It's fucking uncomfortable.

Yeah, I don't like that. Just give me the old-school shit, man.Comfy.

Chair.give me the old-school. You lay back, you fucking put your feet up. It's great.

How about casinos? We're on a casino run. Do you like casinos or no?

I don't stay in them often enough. I'm on the road, I'm going back out now. The Wind in Vegas is probably the best casino hotel bed I've ever stayed in. I think I've stayed there once or twice. Their buffet is awesome. I'm a big fan of The Wind. I just don't have any reason to go out there. But when I am and I go there, I love that hotel.

We were out at The Wind.

We loved it. Isn't it great?

I fucking enjoy it, man.

What a comfy bed and what a delicious buffet in the morning. I love a good breakfast buffet.

I'm also a nerd golfer, and the golf course is out the back door. So for me, it's like, oh, I can have breakfast at a delicious restaurant and then walk 50 feet and go outside and go play golf in the morning. That, to me, is my little slice of fucking heaven. That's the old Vegas that I think of. It's like the Sinatra days. It's like, that's what I would love. Go golf, go have a nice breakfast, have a couple of cups of coffee, go upstairs, write. I actually, I've come accustomed to getting used to liking casinos a little bit. Something of the buzz of them is a little weird. It's beautiful. You just get a bigger collection of lunatics.

It's pure addiction. You're watching, it's literally like if they were all computer monitors and there was just a bunch of people edging, looking at porn, it's the same thing. What if it was a bunch of fat people gorgeing on donor? You're watching addicts. It's purely a wash in their addiction. It's a really interesting place. I don't fucking gamble at all because I don't trust it. I'm scared of it.

Well, you're sober. Yes, and I'm compulsive. And also the gambling thing, if you do that, you think it'll trigger everything, trigger other stuff?

No, I just know that I will enjoy the high of it, and I could see myself wasting my life in a casino. I'm not saying I would drink or do drugs, but I would lose a lot of money. I've watched guys do it. Guys I know. Friends.

Yeah. Yeah, I've heard the Norm stories that he lost a lot of money.

He did, yeah. I didn't know Norm like that. I knew him, but not... We never went on the road together. I never worked with him like that. But I heard he was a big gambler.

Yeah, I lost a lot of money. It scares me enough to just stay far away from it. What's the thing that gets you high then? What gets you the most high? Food or porn?

Yeah. Just jerking off.

Love it. What about food porn?

No, I don't like watching fucking Muck Bang or any of that stuff, or some person from Korea eating live squid. No, it doesn't do it. Or just watching some sloby 2000 Big Macs does nothing for me. I just want to see them grab their chest and fall face first into the food.

Just have a heart attack live?

Yeah, I would love it. I pray for that.

Stroke out faces falling. There was a guy that we had on that show. Who's the guy that passed away? He would eat old shit. Remember that we put him on the other show? No, there was a guy that was- Old shit like what? He He would eat stuff from like 30 years ago. Yeah, he passed away, sadly. From that? No, from something else. But it was like he would open up a box from like 45 years ago. So the thing we laughed about the most was his reactions were amazing. I mean, it was more that he was like... It was like food comedy. I didn't care about him eating it. I just wanted to see him be like, I'm like, gag over the smell of it because it was... What was his name? It was repulsive.

Did he get sick, obviously?

Yeah, multiple times he got sick. He would eat army rations from fucking Vietnam and shit. It was wild.

Was he the one? The MREs, yeah. There was a guy who did that. He ate all those sealed military meals. Some of those might be okay, though. They have a long shelf life.

Yeah, it's impressive I think that you could still put that in your body. That must mean it's not good for you. That's fucking crazy. So food and porn are the two breakpoints for you.

But it's mostly that's why I've gotten fatter. I'm not obese, but I know I'm a fucking- You're not fat. I am. I'm a fucking frog-necked idiot.

You're fat to you?

Yeah, I despise my body right now. Side blubber tits.

How much do you weigh?

Don't know. I won't weigh myself. My wife likes me like this. She really does. She's so fucking nuts. She's like, I think you look great. Don't change at all. But I'm like, You just want me to have a fucking stroke so you can decorate the way you want. That's what she wants. She wants me to be fucking shut down in the bed so she could take my fucking vintage kiss posters off the wall, put up shit Marilyn Monroe pictures.

Do you think she's got this, We'll get off on seeing you slowly fail away? Pushing you in a wheelchair would make her happy?

No, because she would not... It was the whole me in the wheelchair, she wouldn't care, but the whole pushing part she would hate.

Right. Well, we'll get you the auto one.

We'll hire someone to push you. Yeah. No, she's just happy with me like this, but I'm not. I want to lose 20 pounds.

Have you always been this way about your body?

I had lost a lot. Yes, my vision has always worked. I've always been accurate. When I look good, I know I look good. But I was too skinny years ago. I was in 2016, 2017. I was really fucking AIDSy. When I look at old pictures of myself smiling, I had that fucking, Oh, he's too skinny. I look back and I'm like, No, you look like shit.

Like a beautiful meth head, a very funny meth head.

Yeah, and it's where some would say it, a times-amusing meth head. They would find a moderately-amusing peaked in 2007 meth head.

Yeah, but like those army rations, you got a good shelf life, baby. You're still fucking humming along.

No, but I still make people's mouth numb, and you will... I have a nauseating effect. You can get the crackers down, but that's all I got left. I got the crackers are edible, but the rest of it's garbage.

You're a beautiful cracker. What can you say?

In here, we pour whiskey.

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Ginger. I like ginger.

How many dates are you doing on the new tour?

I don't know. We just added some, actually. I got a I'm going to be 30 or 40. I'm going to keep adding, I think, or maybe 20 at this point. But we just added some now that went on sale. I don't remember where. I mean, maybe Tampa and a few other places.

Is this to cohesively put together an hour or no? I have the hour.

I just don't know. I've been working on. I do every Wednesday at the Fat Black Pussy Cat at the Comedy Cellar, so I do an hour that. I'm talking about my relationship, and I want to make sure that it's really good before I release it. I don't want to just rush to it. There's dick jokes which are fine, but I don't want it to just be about that. I want to flush the material out a little bit more, and maybe after the tour, I will. It's been a while since I shot anything, so maybe at the end of this tour, I'll shoot at the Village underground in the city.

You have it your way, which you can now because of who you are. What's your favorite run? Is it clubs or theaters? Or what's the preferred way to go about when you're building?

Well, the preferred way would be the theaters that I certainly can't sell out. Yeah, you can.

You can sell theaters.

Some I can, some I can't. My ticket sales are always last minute anyway. But I'm doing a small theater run now. It's all I want. Small theaters, thousand seat maximum. Nothing crazy.

I think small theaters are fucking beautiful.

They're amazing. And a few clubs. I'll do the DC Improver, the Comedy Works in Denver or Tampa, the science. Clubs that I love. But I prefer that. You talk to David Tau, he just loves clubs. I'm a club comic. He could sell theaters. He could do The Beacon, but he loves doing clubs. He'd rather just add shows.

Well, see, as I've gotten older in my career, I also have found that doing the big rooms is fun, but Even I get lost in it where I'm like, I don't know if I like saying it in this size of a room sometimes. I like this joke when it's smaller in a smaller room. That's the tough thing is that, I mean, look, it's a blessing to be able to sell more tickets as you go along sometimes. But I do respect guys like Dave because then it's just all about the work. It's all about the minutia. Instead of putting on a big fucking show because putting on a show gets tiring. Bobby and I are doing big, big fucking rooms, and we do two hours, and sometimes it fucking gets That's inspiring.

Do you go on together?

Yeah. What we do is we have our Jessie Johnson, who's great comic. She opens the show, and then Bob and I each do 20, 25, 30 each. Then we switch off who does what. Then we all come out as a family and as a crew, and we do bits from the show that we do. We interact with the audience, so it's getting them involved because the fans are such a big piece of that show. But we're doing a bunch of stand-up up front, which gives me the opportunity to work out a little bit on the road. But also it's tough because they want the show, too. So you have to balance this. It's like this duality for me because I'm not really like a... I'm not huge when I do stand-up, and Bob is. So it's tough for me to go from my rhythm to then the bigger rhythm. So it sounds like we're fucking cry me a river, but it's exhausting. Two hours of it is fucking exhausting.

When you see a guy like Schultz, you see clips of Andrew in big rooms. He works well in a big room. Dane worked well in big rooms. Then you see Louis, and he'll do a big room, and he's just the same as he is in a club, and it works. You know what I mean? He doesn't change his energy at all. He'll just be Louis, and he just does what he does in his T-shirt and fucking destroys. You know what I mean? For me, I don't have the confidence to do that. I would have to muscle it. I wouldn't trust myself in a big room to not be a disgusting hack. The guys who can be themselves are perfect for that. But I am afraid that my cowardness would lead me into doing something that every comedian would just be ashamed to know.

I know I'll sell myself off the river. Fuck it. I've done arenas with Bert. I did them with Rogan. Yeah, you find yourself just doing what they want you to do a little bit bigger because you're in that fucking... You have to fill this weird space.

Yes. I'm afraid, accurately so, that my words thoughts won't do it, and they don't. So it's like, run around your fucking 30-year chimp. They do.

More bananas, more bananas. Yeah. That is how it feels. But there are times, too, when you do have, I think, a part of the reservation of your career is also acknowledging. Sometimes you are tap dancing a little bit. Fuck it. Do you still take corporates or no?

No, they don't want me. I'm too dirty.

There's a lot of dirt. There's companies now that like that stuff, right?

They do, but they'll say... Their idea of just say whatever you want. Maybe you say shit in front of the CEO. They have no idea the material. Great. The Sandusky hunk. They don't want that. Corporates, colleges, They don't ask for me, and I don't offer to do them.

I never got colleges. I think I did two in my whole career. And one time I did that NACA thing. Did you ever do the NACA thing?

I did. Less than successful, some would say.

I don't think they even let me fucking... I don't think they wanted me even remotely near it to even try to get colleges. I did very poorly there. Yeah, it just wasn't for me. And also, I just realized I wasn't... Not only was I too dirty for them, as time went on, I was getting further and further away from college age where I was like, I don't even know why they'd want to see me anyway.

Yeah, and a lot of them, it's like, not only do I see things differently than you, but I find your thought process to be boring and I don't respect the way you think.Right.

I can't stand it.It reads. It reads.I can't hide it. I don't know how to hide it.

I can't hide it. And you're not going to like, you know what I mean? When I say, look, I don't hate Trump, you're going to boo me. I know that. Why would I put myself in that position?

You should just do a tour where you bring out Don Jr. With you to colleges, playing colleges all over the country.

Yeah, with Don Jr. He's a very good talker, too. So his memes are very funny. I don't know if he does them all or someone's helping him, but his Instagram has some really funny caustic show.

Well, that's the thing. Trump may be one of the funniest motherfuckers on the internet I've ever seen. He's almost undefeated. He put that post. He put up that last post about Biden. And it's just like, I don't know how even Biden doesn't want to retweet it because of how funny it is sometimes. What does it say? No, it's just him doing like, Mocking like his walking and all that shit, his stumbling through everything. It just feels like Biden could win to me if he just also was like, Yeah, fuck it. That is me. And just fed into the beast a little bit.

But he can't. And It's just so funny how I've lost my thought. You were talking about Biden and Trump. Yeah.

Oh, I don't remember what I was going to say. I'm saying it would be funny to watch Biden retweet a Trump tweet about him.

The thing with Trump, like calling people names and all that stuff. People go to Childish. But the accuracy, the way he redefines people in public eye, or the way he says things that you didn't know you felt. Like Chris Christie tried it. Chris Christie, who's an uncharismatic man. He's unpleasant to look at. He said, because Donald didn't want to debate, he goes, I'm going to call him Donald Duck because he's ducking. Everybody's like, Oh, shut up, fatso. Nobody fucking... Everybody just wanted to hug him. Come here. Shut up.

Trump is like, he's a disgusting slap. Yeah. And it immediately. Yeah, exactly.

Have a sandwich. Die on the beach. I really went right for it, didn't he? Yeah, but the thing is, it's not just the name calling. It has Who has it said that the audience, if you're okay with it, they're okay with it? You can't sell it hoping they're okay with it. You have to be who you are, and the crowds can feel that. So when Trump says shit like that, people understand he means it. It's coming from that place. Where's Chris Christie is like, Oh, you're just trying to do somebody else's thing, and it doesn't work.

It's like the definitive difference when you see a comic has really found what they are or the cliché of what their voice is. Because, man, some comics you see, you know they're working out brand new whatever shit. But even though it doesn't really work, it still works. Because you're like, No, it's theirs anyway. It doesn't really matter that it's going through the machine. You know what I mean? You're still... You You can still tell it's a good product somewhere in there.

That's why I loathe Ron DeSantis so much, because I think he reminds me of the kid who said something that the cool kids liked. It was pretty cool. You said that now he can't shut up about it. He just said, Woke not broke, broke He just keeps saying the same things. But there's something in since... Even though I think he's very conservative, believes what he says, there's something about him. I'm like, No, he's a fucking poser. He's wearing heels and his boots. So happy they fucking caught him.

That was so funny, man.

They're right. He's walking on the front of his feet. I've never been happier.

I couldn't believe they dissect that. The internet is so fucking amazing. When they showed the diagram of the heels, I was like, Holy fuck, that has to be real. Especially when they show the stills of him getting up out of a chair.

And walking. He He steps on the front. He's stepping on the ball of his feet, not the fucking the back.

See, we'd give him more prompts if he just walked in heels. Just get fucking cool heels.

I probably would have asked for his number at one point.

You want to be Norton's type? Yeah. Desantis, just get some fucking heels, you pussy. Yeah, exactly. Just get some platforms and go to town.

Stop traipsing around like that and being taller because you read that once, you asshole. Fucking liar. Yeah, fucking big fruit. Just be who you are. Be who you are.

By the way, it would be rad if all this goes away and nothing. Once he disappears, he's like, I've been wanting to wear here. Here's my whole fucking career. This is all I've actually really wanted.

Yeah, it hurt me in the debate because my dick was hard the whole time. I just stood up there with a pounding erection, feeling pretty. But who hasn't put panties on once in a while? You know what?

I'm not trying to be dirty. I've never done it. I've never put on panties. It is fun, huh?

I'm not a cross-dresser. I don't wear them now, but I've done it in a few things. One girl would come over and I'd put on thigh highs, and she would just blow It was so dirty. It was just perverse. It felt great.How fun is that?It was fun, yeah.

How did you learn to break that? How did you learn to have the balls to just do it?

Stop giving a shit. Yeah, I wouldn't necessarily take that chance. It depends on what turns the woman out. If a woman is dirty enough to enjoy that, but if a woman is like, then it wouldn't do it. I would be like, All right, you don't want to do that. But there was one woman I knew who used to like to dress guys up and humiliate them. That turned me on a lot because you like it. It's so fucking dirty.

It's like the dom sub thing or whatever.

Yeah, that It was her vibe. If it was her vibe, it turned me on.

You never did the thing where it was like, get kicked in the balls and all that shit. No. I like dominatrixes, and I've dated one, but no, it was more like smothering and sensual domination, like the attitude of being dominated, cuck stuff, but never pain, never kicked in the balls.

I wouldn't mind my nipples twisted a little. We tried strap on, but it was just not happening.

Yeah.not happening. The beat the shit out of me thing, I never could wrap my head around. No. I was like, I don't want to be fucking A hit? But the people that get hard from getting hit, that's a psychological... That is a wild deep dive into your psyche. It sure is.

I envy them. How much? How easy would that be? If I take jiu-jitsu now, what a great high that would be.

Just to roll around with a rod. I imagine some people are taking jiu-jitsu for that.

They like the contact. They go home and jerk off. Pain never did it for me, ever. I don't like inflicting pain. I don't like getting it.

Yeah, like the choke me thing.

That feels good. I've done that. If somebody likes it, I've done it, but it doesn't express power to me. It was just a feeling of being choked when you come.

I have an adamant fear of something bad will happen.

Oh, yeah.

And the explanation, the cops, you're like, It was a mutual. We were both into it.

She likes it, I promise.

Yeah. And it's like, sir, this human's half your size. Yeah. It's like the embarrassing part. Imagine calling the fucking family, I choked your daughter to death. Yeah. What? Over an argument? No, we were enjoying each. We were fucking... It was beautiful. It was wonderful.

And they say, Why would you do that to your sister? No, but come on. He's no bigger hero than David Carradine. I mean, come on. Fuck, they said he died jerking off and off.

Who rules? King. Yeah, that's king shit. That's king shit right there, man.

Do I have time to piss? I know we're in the middle of it. I don't want to stop, but I'm going to piss my pants. Is it okay?

Yeah, take him to pee. Yeah, I don't want to- Take them. Well, it could be both. These are vintage chairs from, I don't even know. How long you had them? Seven or eight years. Oh, yeah. What is that? What is on it? I got a website on it. I like the long wick. It's a wood wick. That's a thick wick. Yeah. Yeah. You know me. I like a thick wick, baby. I'm thick wicken all day. Thick, black wick. Thick, big, thick, black wick. Yeah. Let me huff that black wick right there. Yeah, fuck. You like that better than white wicks, don't you? Yeah, you do. Yeah, you like that thick, black wick, don't you? No, I think it's because these chairs, well, these chairs I bought from a vintage shop because I love them so much and they were overpriced. And that one got broken by a famous drag queen, Trixie Mattel broke that. I don't know Trixie. Yeah, her and Katia have a great... They have a big... She She was pretty another famous drag queen in that space. But she broke that chair and she was like, Oh, that's great. Now I feel fucking fat.

I was like, No, it's a vintage chair. She's like, No, but how many guests have been in this? And I was like, A lot. 150. I was It was like one of those moments. She's like, Fuck you, man. I was like, I'm so sorry.

And we also had Ralphie May. Yeah.

And he actually stood on this. Fuck. He jumped on this thing a few times. Yeah, he did.

He swung. I went to it. Were you close with him? I was friends with him. Yeah. Last time I saw him, he came to see me in Nashville. I was doing the club, and Ralphie came by to say hello. And he looked bad, really bad. And we were talking. I wanted to take a picture with him. I said, I didn't see him in a while. But I'm like, No, I don't want him to think that I'm doing it because he's fucked up. I found a picture of... It's from when the Opey Anthony show was touring and doing gigs like the ONA Traveling Virus. There's a picture of us broadcasting in Vegas poolside. I think Anthony's in the pick, and I am. I might be off to the side. It's Patrice, Otto, and Ralphie. I was like, Fuck, all those guys are dead. Ten years later, it's crazy.

That's fucking nuts.

I know. I don't know if you knew Otto and George, but Otto was a really very underrated guy, very funny guy.

As a comedian? Yeah.

As a person, hilarious. But yeah, very funny guy. He was a ventriloquist. We normally... Comics are usually shitty with ventriloquists, but he was brilliantly funny.

Comics are shitty about fucking everything. They really are. Yeah, it turns out we're dickheads about fucking everything.Yeah, exactly.

Maybe we should just focus on our own fucking dreck.

Well, that's what happened. I think the thing that happens with comics is there is inherently this judgmental thing that comes along with the purity, whatever the fuck that even means. Because if you look back to the beginnings of all this anyway. Comedy or live performance, it all comes from these vaudvillian multi-layered variety acts anyway. So what's the purity in saying, you You can't use this or you can't do that. The idea that we just have to be just us with a microphone saying one thing, doing in a type of way. It's all fucking bullshit. Whatever's going to make your audience enjoy you and your performance, I couldn't fucking care less.

Yeah, a thousand years ago, you would have put on curly Q shoes with a bell on them, you fucking middle. You would have ran around.

So they don't cut your fucking head off.

Yeah, with a fun hat, a five-pointed hat with bells.

Gestering would be so much. I would have loved to be a jester. That's like, fucking sign me up, dude.

The pressure of that. The pressure.

The pressure would be so great.

You're not feeling it.

Yeah, you think Madison Square Garden is hard? Dave Chappelle, try being a fucking... Try King Edward IV sitting there. Yeah, or Henry VIII. Yeah, Henry VIII. Just tapping his foot. Just staring at you, not laughing.

And you catch him just glancing at his ax off to the side.

Pointing at it. That's what corporate gigs feel like. Yeah. You feel like you're a fucking jester waiting for them to make the decision whether or not they're going to kill you or cut you off early.

Would they kill the jester? I don't know if they would, or would he just get fired? What was being fired for a court jester?

I think jesters did get... I think they got murdered. I feel like they did get fucking murdered.

Maybe if you were offensive, but what if you just weren't good? Would the king ever go next? Would there be a rotating?

You know what? It's like they took care of you. So who knew? That's one of those, they banish you probably down to a place where you die anyway.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like the shit ravines. You know they had those old tunnels because all the toilets would go down to one shit ravine that would pool out. Yeah, no sewer system whatsoever. Maybe they just throw you in the shit ravine and you can hang out for a little while. Head first.

Dip you in.

Dip you down. Dip you in the ravine. That's where Derry Queen got that whole idea from. Dipping you down.

Yeah, pulling a jester out of a shit ravine. That looks delicious.

It looks pretty good. Yeah, I think I never get bothered by... I used to think that there was some purity to it. Then you see enough different kinds of acts where it's like, I like a Colin Quinn because of his style. Then I like a bigger, more boisterous comic because of that. I don't know, it doesn't really… To me, it's actually more interesting to find younger comics who are super unique and don't do anything like I've ever seen before. I get interest in it immediately because I'm like, Oh, this is cool. I've never seen this guy. We talked about that kid the other day, that Morgan Jay kid. He's very interactive with the audience, and he's a phenomenal singing voice. He does all this different shit, and I think it's cool to see something different.

Yeah. As long as you're true to who you are, what makes you funny as a person, that's the only thing you need to worry about. Because comedians, again, will have opinions and this fake attachment to what they consider making it art. It's like, just do what you do. Who gives a fuck? Yeah, nobody cares. Mind your business. We're all going to fuck off. That's why comedians getting angry at other comedians for jokes. Fucking eat shit. Who cares? I don't care. You're platform. Oh, shut up. Do what you want with your fucking platform. I don't care.

Speaking of platform, Ron DeSantis, we're going to say it one more time. Please put on platform shoes.

Absolutely. Just wear a skirt already. Stop trying to be alpha, you fucking little Nancy. Just get out there and trape, then talk about what you hate gays.

I like that, Nancy. Nini. Nini was a good one.Was that for a gaze?Yeah. No, your little Nini.

Yeah, you never heard that one?No, Pantie Boy.Pantie Boy.

I saw one video of this woman used to fuck guys and make her husband just suck her toes. She's like, That's it, panty boy. I think my cum hit the ceiling. I was like, It's so dirty because they seem like a real couple. She's like, That's it, panty boy. She slapped him. I was like, Oh, he must love that being called Pantie Boy.

He stuck in her fucking feet?

Yeah, while she was taking a real cock.

So demeaning.

Yeah, I used to have this beautiful woman who would talk to me about that. We never had a threesome, but she was telling me how when she got fucked by a guy with a bigger dick, I was just going to have to suck her toes. That was a source of great pleasure. But I never did it because I was like, I just didn't.

No cuckery for you at all?

I've tried a little bit, sure, but not in my current marriage or my relationship now. But I've done a couple of I've tried most of it, and that was okay. You got to respect the boundaries and draw the lines. But talking about a lot of that stuff is much better. I'm a talker.

You talk it out.

Talk it out, text it out. I have a ferocious appetite for that. But as far as doing it, make sure you're ready. Let's make sure we're ready. One girl I tried cuck stuff with, I watched her blow guys a couple of times. It was hot, but it was two and a half years into a relationship where we both knew it was okay.Right..

Then we broke up right after.Who finds the guy?

She did. We would look on this back when Craigslist was on. She used to talk dirty to them on the phone while I fucked her. It was hot.

Being on the phone?

Yeah, she would look at guys who had sent her pictures, and she thought they had a big dick or she liked them. I would just either fuck her or go down on her while she was on the phone with them, and they didn't know.

That's fucking wild. Yeah, it was fine.

We turned her on a lot, and we did it from home. There was no one else involved.Comfort.

Of your own house.Just in the bedroom. They guys don't know on the other light.

No, that was the fun part.Yeah, that is really.That was the fun part.

You've You were the guy that created all those great categories of porn that we now enjoy today. You're the godfather of all that stuff.

Yeah, eating it while she talks to them. Are there any of those videos?

Yeah. The fuckery thing, I don't know. For me, it'd be so tough.

Sure. For most guys, understandable.

Ego shit, I guess. That's really what it is. If you ego death yourself, then you just get over it and probably just stop giving up.

Yeah, that's the thing. I came to the conclusion that I'm in nothing. I think once you get to that point, I'm a nothing, and she deserves something.

She deserves the world, and she deserves a big black wick at some point.

Yeah, or a white one, or whatever color she wants, whatever hurts more than mine does. God bless her. God bless her. Let it hit the walls. You never felt that before, did you?

People at home, please check out. Now, it can't be the pot. It has to be a video installation, right?

These are actual videos. We tape something that was like this, but it can't be released as audio only. But it's in the infancy. It's not worked out yet. Our background is not worked out, but we haven't put that up yet. The videos we have now, it's just our first anniversary and just little pieces of our live. Most of them are 10 minutes, 12 minutes. They're not long.

But you're still going to keep building that as a video show or a pod show, whatever you want to call it.

On YouTube, whatever it is. I love it, man. I'm enjoying doing it. It's what we want to. She and I are both really happy with it. There's no one telling Don't say that. It's like, you know what I mean? If it sucks, people don't like it, well, then it's our fault. We can't blame anyone but ourselves.

It's probably not going to suck. Then also, fans at home, go check out Jim on Tour. What's his website?

Jimnorton. Com for my date. The tour picture is fucking awful. I was fat when he took it. My head is pale.

You're swollen in it? I'm swollen. Now I have to see it.

Nicki and Jim NYC is the YouTube page. Yeah, the picture you'll see. Was It was literally, he was just snapping photos as she was trying to fix my shirt. But it was a shirt she likes me in, but I was too fat for it. I hate this tour picture. It's not good. It's not catchy.

It stinks. It's Jim Norton. Com, right? Yeah.

The tour picture, when it goes to tour, looking on a phone, especially, what a fucking egg-headed nothing. It's a terrible photo.

It's a terrible-It's a great pick.

A terrible fucking photo.

But wait, you still have it up on there.

Because it honestly was the least awful photo taken me that I looked so fat.

This doesn't look anything like you.

I'm much fatter there than I am now, and that's saying something. That's probably about two months ago. Can I see it again? Can you hold it up? Yeah, hold on. Let me look it up. Yeah, I'm just a pig, a fucking fat pig.

This doesn't really look like you at all.

It's washed out. It's shit.

People are going to go to this and go, That's not the Jim Norton that I think I know.

Yeah, I'm going to get a new one.

We'll get you a new one soon. Yeah, I have to. Very soon. We'll go to JimNorton. Com. Check out the tour dates. I appreciate you coming very much. Look into that camera right there. That's yours. And say, We end the episode the same way. One word or one phrase whatever comes to mind to end the episode whenever you're ready. Silly Goose.

In here, we pour a whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey whiskey.