Transcript of The 3 Essential Truths That Will Save Your Relationships | Mel Robbins

There are three rules about adults and adult relationships that you have to learn, and you need to start living by them. And these three rules, they are the truth about how adults work. And these three truths, Holy cow. If you really embrace them and you incorporate them into your life and your relationships, it's going to create so much more harmony in your life. These truths will give you so much peace, power in this situation.

They're going to help you feel more in control. And if you're lucky, it might just create the space for the person that you love to actually want to change for themselves. Because I'm here to tell you they are never going to change for you. And that brings me to these three truths. Truth number one, if they wanted to, they would.

Adults only do what they feel like doing. And if your loved one doesn't feel like looking for a job right now, they're not going to. And I will unpack this truth in detail in just a minute, but let me get to the other two. Truth number two, you can't make someone else change. Adults only change when they are ready to change.

And if your loved one hasn't changed jobs yet, they're not ready to. And truth number three, stop being mad at people for not being who you want them to be. Let adults be adults. I mean, if your loved one isn't who you want them to be, who's the bigger jerk? Them for not getting the job that you want them to get, or you for judging them?

Yeah, that one kind of stings, right? Definitely makes you think. This is going to be one of those conversations, by the way, where I'm talking to myself as much as I'm talking to you. Because it took me way too long to learn these three truths. And now that I can see them and I know them and I'm, like, living by them, I have had to confront what a control freak I've been.

And I can also see how I wasn't accepting and loving the people in my life exactly as they are. I mean, isn't that what you want from the people in your life who love you? Don't you want people to accept you as you are? To love you for who you are and for who you're not? Well, I wasn't doing that.

I was doing a lot of judging. And so as I unpack each of these truths, you may have that same kind of reckoning with yourself. And I want you to know it's okay. We all do it. We all control the people that we love instead of accepting and supporting and Loving the people that we love.

And what I can promise you is that when you truly embrace these three truths, truth number one, if they wanted to, they would. Truth number two, you can't make someone else change. And truth number three, stop being mad that people aren't who you want them to be. When you accept these truths, your life is going to get a whole lot easier. Because right now, you have no idea how much unnecessary stress and frustration you're creating for yourself.

And I think the most surprising realization that I've had is that wanting someone else to change doesn't make them change. It usually stops them from changing. See, it's only when you back off and you learn how to show up differently that the people in your life will have the space to start showing up differently, too. You know, I think about relationships as this mutual exchange of energy. Like, you really impact one another with your energy.

So when you shift your energy from judging and pushing and wanting and wishing and all of this, and you shift how you show up to the relationship, it changes everything. Trust me. You'll see. So let's start with truth number one. If they wanted to, they would.

I wish they'd make an effort. I wish they'd show up. I wish they'd reach out. I wish they'd be on time. I wish they'd try a little harder.

I wish they'd get healthier. If they wanted to, they would. And here's something that really is going to sting. It also applies to you. I mean, there are people in your life right now that wish you would make an effort, that wish you would change some aspect about yourself.

And the truth about all of us is we do things we feel like doing, period. And when it matters to you, you do it. And what's really hard to accept is that if you want to know where somebody stands on an issue, just watch their actions. Actions are how people speak to you. Don't listen to their words.

Someone else will tell you exactly what they want to do and what they don't want to do. Don't listen to what they say because it's easy to say, yeah, sure, I'll do this. Talk is cheap. It is hard to accept that if they wanted to, they would. But the truth about you is if you wanted to, you would.

So it's very important to realize that this truth swings both ways. Because again, I said that these are fundamental truths about all adults. And that's the empowering part of this. Like, you see how you can change your actions for the better, and that makes better Relationships. Everything that you and I are going to talk about today is true about other people.

And these rules are also true about you because you're an adult. And I like reminding both you and me that these rules apply to everybody else. Adults only do what adults want to do, and I only do what I want to do. And you only do what you want to do because it gives you a level of humility and a little bit more compassion when you get into situations with people where they're not doing what you want them to do. And so I'm going to dig deep into these rules by taking questions from your fellow listeners of the podcast.

And our very first one comes from a listener named Lisa. Hi, Mel. My name is Lisa, and I have a question for you, Mel. I am currently struggling with being a more tolerant person. I struggle with accepting others and their bullshit.

We all have bullshit, and we all have to carry it, deal with it, and unload it. Don't get me wrong. I have worked on myself for years trying to be better and do better, but damn, I want to scream sometimes, just be better. I have had to deal with so much in life, but I've always wanted more for myself and my family, regardless of the shit that life serves up. Meeting people where they are in life is so important.

I know and understand this, but my patience is tried when people wallow. Any advice, Mel? Okay, I love this question, and I'm sure you can relate to it as much as I can relate to it. And before I dig into this, I want to divide Lisa's questions into two different, different topics. Okay, so the first topic is her frustration that people don't want to do better.

That's topic number one. Topic number two is how to deal with what's really irritating, which is people who wallow was her word. I say marinate, commiserate, just absolutely, at some level, love their bullshit. You know those people, something's always wrong. They're always complaining, the weather's always bad, or they're always unhealthy.

They're like, you know, that kind of person. So let's start with the first part of that, which is this frustration that you hear in Lisa's voice. I just want them to do better. I've done better. There's almost like an arrogance and a judgment in that, right?

That, oh, well, if I fix myself, you should fix yourself. If I can do this, then you should do this. And to me, that's toxic positivity. Just assuming that because you've done it that somebody else should. And I'm emphasizing the word should because should holds judgment.

If you have the perspective that if I've done it, then you could do it too. That's inspiration. That's helping somebody. And so what you want to make sure that you're doing is that if you're frustrated that you're coming from a place of love and coming from a place of wanting to help somebody, rather than coming from a place of judgment of the should of the. You know, you're not doing this, you're not doing that, because we've all been on the receiving end of that, right?

Where somebody's beating you down because they've done something and they think you should do something. I can give you a really good example of this because I think there's a big difference of somebody being capable of doing something and somebody not being capable yet as a person, that is new to personal development. And I'm talking about myself. I've only known about personal development for just over 10 years. I mean, I've been engaged in therapy for a long time.

But I feel like it takes a while to understand that there are certain things that a lot of people have never even thought about or been taught. I mean, I didn't bump into a lot of the topics that I'm talking about right now until I was in my mid-40s, for example. I'll give you one. I didn't truly understand trauma. When I heard the word trauma, I thought that that was something that people that served in the military had.

I thought that you had to be on a tour of duty and see absolutely something horrific or be somewhere where there's extreme violence, be the victim of a really violent crime. I did not realize that there's big T trauma and there's little T trauma. I didn't realize that growing up in a household where you experience emotional abuse or you have parents that are distant or mismatched, or maybe you experienced a childhood where there was a lot of poverty or there was discrimination. These are all forms of trauma. I had no idea.

And so there are people in your life that would love to change, but they can't right now because they don't even understand that they are trapped in some kind of a trauma pattern. They're not aware of it. There are people in your life that would love to have the level of fitness that you have, love to have the level of discipline that you have, but they're not capable of it right now because they maybe are struggling with depression or maybe they don't have the family structure around them that is supportive that you have, or maybe they didn't have the experiences that you've had in your life that have allowed you to develop the habits that you've had. And so I think it's really important when you start to feel yourself frustrated with other people, to check your ego and to ask yourself, well, am I in the lane of wanting someone to better themselves because I care about them and I see potential in them, or am I in the other side of this, which is I'm being really judgy? That's where my frustration is coming from.

And I'm assuming that somebody's got the resources and the ability and the support and the knowledge and all of the, I don't know, like, motivation that you need in order to get started. And so I think it's super important, step one, that when you feel that frustration that you check yourself at the door, do I want them to do this because I care about them or am I judging them? And I think that they should do this. When you get into that lane and you know it, you've got to take a breath. You got to recognize that you're coming from superiority.

And I want you to step to the other side, because understanding is an act of love. Being compassionate is an act of love. Being tolerant of where somebody is is an act of love. I'm going to give you an example from my own life. So just this morning, Chris yelled at me.

That's my husband. And I'm kind of embarrassed to admit what happened to you because, boy, oh, boy. I will tell you, if Chris heard Lisa's question, he would say, I'm struggling with being more tolerant of my wife, Mel. And so here's what happened. Our new puppy, Homie, is going to go to a puppy class.

And in order to go to this puppy training class on Wednesday, he needs to be up to date on his vaccines. Right? No problem. Because when we got our puppy when he was nine weeks old, I took him to the vet. He got all of his shots at week 12, and that was great.

I'm a responsible pet owner. This is fantastic. Then all of a sudden, the podcast launched, and I've been gone. So Chris looks at me this morning and says, why didn't you tell me that Homie is not up to date with his vaccines? I'm like, what are you talking about?

He's missed two veterinarian appointments. He is eight weeks late on getting his vaccinations. I'm laughing because I feel so bad. And I said, well, he's like, didn't you make follow up appointments? I said, yes, yes.

Where's his folder? You know, that came with him when we got him as a puppy. I borrowed a Sharpie from the vet when I was checking out and I wrote the dates in there and sure enough, we got the folder out and there were the two dates. We have missed both of those appointments. I never put them in the calendar.

Chris took the folder. And this is a man who never gets upset. He took that folder, you guys. He slammed it shut. He slammed it against his desk.

He stood up, he didn't even wheel around on his chair. He stood up, the chair rolled away and he said, mel, don't give me this ADHD shit. I know you have a lot going on, but you have a living and breathing animal that you are supposed to be taking care of. This is not acceptable. You have to do better.

And there's the dog barking on cue. Apparently he agrees. I can't make this up. Everybody hates me right now. Yeah.

And you know, and here's the thing, like, I know that Chris wanted to scream. Chris did scream at me, just be better. And I know that I'm now going to get flooded with comments and emails about this. I'm okay with that. I know I'm going to get a lot of advice about adhd.

I know I'm going to get advice about supplements. Now that you're hearing this story, I'm going to get a lot of you that think I'm a terrible pet owner. I'm cool with that. This is what actually happened this morning. And here's what I had to say to Chris.

I want to do better. I don't think I can right now. I am so busy at work. I do not have an assistant. I am terrible with the calendars.

I'm actually impressed that I wrote the dates down that they gave to me. I thought I put them in the calendar, Chris. But my brain is dropping balls left and right. And so the reason why I'm telling you this story is I'm not letting myself off the hook. I am motivated to try to figure out how to improve the systems that I have and improve the level of support that I have.

Because I don't want to be dropping these balls. Chris doesn't need to get frustrated at me for me to feel like shit about this. Of course I want to do better. But this is one of those instances where my brain doesn't work like his. I can't just like Chris is Mr.

Foundational Operations Guy. Chris methodically sits and organizes and can sit still. He's really good with tech and with Excel spreadsheets. I am the opposite. I am absolutely the opposite.

And so the reason why I'm telling you this story is because I guarantee you, you have somebody in your life that, my gosh, you just want to bang your head against the wall. And you can tell yourself if they wanted to, they would. And that's true for some things. It is true. It's true for whether or not people want to show up at an event.

It's true for whether or not people reach out to you. It's true for whether or not people make an effort. It's true for whether or not people are engaging in healthy habits. If they wanted to, they would. And then there are some times that it's really important in your life in order to manage your own frustration, to be a little bit more empathetic that if they could, they would.

And I'll tell you, I am motivated to get the support that I need so that I do not drop balls like this because I want to do better. And having Chris yell at me, it was actually kind of helpful this morning because it just allowed him to be frustrated. It allowed me to see that this really is a big deal because he keeps picking up the slack on my behalf. And that's not a great solution either. And so here's kind of where the takeaway is on that.

At the end of the day, it's about managing your energy and when you allow somebody else's consistent behavior. I'm not talking about stuff where people are breaking the laws or they're addicted to something or, you know, something that's super, super destructive. But I've been married to Kris for 26 years. I've been this forgetful and this bad the entire time we have been together. This is not new.

Mel Robbins. I am definitely overwhelmed, but this is standard. I have wanted to change this my whole life, and I'm trying, man. And a little bit of empathy and support goes a long way. Because if you don't give that to the people in your life, if you're not more tolerant of the things that they're not capable of, they're just going to feel demoralized and ashamed.

And so, yes, if they wanted to, they would. And make sure that if it's a situation where they can't really, or it's really hard for them, that you bring a little bit more empathy because that's going to help them. Let's go to number two. You can't make someone else change. And so you know what you're doing.

When you put energy into being frustrated about other people who either won't or can't make that change you want them to make, you're just burning energy. Imagine if you took all that energy that you're frustrated at other people and you just poured that energy in a positive direction to make your own life better. So, yes, try to be compassionate and understanding, but all of that energy and frustration that you can hear in Lisa. I want to scream sometimes. I'm sure you do, because you're trying to make them change.

That's why you're frustrated. And that brings me to the third rule. You got to stop being mad at people for not being who you want them to be. I will never be a accountant. I will never be somebody who is OCD detail oriented.

That's not me. My genius is in being creative. It's in connecting with people. It's, you know, flying by the seat of my pants. That's my genius.

And somehow Chris and I have made it work for 26 years. And I think it has to do with the fact that we are 99% compassionate, understanding, and supportive of one another. And then there's those 1% moments that happen today over me being a dumbass. And of course I feel terrible about it, but I will never be Susie Q with the calendar. That's just not who I'm supposed to be in life.

And that's okay. But I can be more responsible about getting the support I need so I don't leave other people in breakdown. And we are going to get into boundaries because I know you're already going to. Well, what do you do? Melan?

We will get there, but I want to address one other aspect of Lisa's question, and it's this. Meeting people where they are in life is so important. I know and understand this, but my patience is tried when people wallow. Any advice? Mel, I'm going to give you a specific tactic for people who wallow.

I call this the six month rule. The people in your life get six months to wallow in anything. They have six months to wallow about the divorce. They have six months to wallOW about the weight they've put on. They have six months to wallow about the job they lost or the circumstances or the weather or whatever else.

And once the wallowing passes the six month mark, you have a boundary to draw. Okay? And this boundary works like a fricking charm because, number one, if they don't want to, they're not Going to change, you're just going to wallow. Number two, you can't make them change, so don't even try. And number three, you got to stop being mad about this person not being a person that you want them to be.

But you can draw a boundary and you want to hear the boundary. It's the six month rule. Here's what you say. So and so I'll give you an example from my own life. So I have a friend that got a divorce after a really like, it was like, you know, one of those divorces is just ugly.

Just ugly, ugly, ugly. And the divorce was finalized, okay? This friend of mine, every time I saw her constantly complaining about the ex and the this and the that and the other thing and the other thing and the other thing. And finally after six months, I looked at her and I said, you are no longer allowed to talk about this in front of me. I have recommended therapists.

I have been a good friend. I have given you books to read, all of which you have done nothing about. I am no longer available to be a soundboard for your wallowing because it is clear to me that you don't want to do anything about this. The second that you would like to change this, I am here to support you. I am here to help you.

But I am not available for you to stay stuck. I care about you too much. So if you'd like to go complain to somebody else, please do. But you are not allowed to bring this person's name up. You are not allowed to talk about your marriage, your ex marriage, your ex, any of it.

I'm not available for that anymore. And an interesting thing will happen. That person will be mortified and they probably won't call you for a while because they're still addicted to their wallowing. You're not trying to change them. Isn't that interesting?

You're not trying to change them. You didn't say, stop wallowing. You said, I'm not available for it. So you know who changed in that relationship? You did.

You changed what you're available for. So I want you to understand that when you understand and you accept these three truths about people, if they wanted to, they would, you know, unless they can't. Number two, you can't change anybody. And number three, stop being mad at people for not being who you want them to be, you take all the power back. None of this says you can't change.

And so when you get frustrated by somebody else complaining, cut off access to the complaining. You're not saying, I don't love you. You're actually saying the opposite. You're saying, I love you so much that I'm not going to be a part of you staying stuck. And as long as I listen to this garbage come out of your mouth, you are going to be stuck.

I'm not here for it. I'm here for your transformation. I am here for you creating a better life. I'm here for you moving on. I'm here for you no longer giving air time to this asshole that you're divorced to.

I am here for your future. I am no longer here for your past. When your friend is ready to change, guess what? They will, because they will want to. Remember, that's rule number one.

If they wanted to, they would. And, you know, one of the things that I want to say before we move on to question number two is that I think a lot of us learn that part of a relationship is struggle, that there's conflict, that there's tension, that you've got to have somebody to fight against or push against, that you saw these patterns growing up, or they have been patterns in friendships or relationships. And so you're just kind of used to this push, pull. Well, what if I told you that it doesn't have to be that way? That maybe if you're in relationships that feel like a lot of work, that that's a sign that the relationships that you're in are no longer working for you?

And one of the fastest ways to get rid of the struggle is drop the rope. Now, what does that mean? So think about tug of war. When you are playing a game of tug of war where you're on one side of the rope and you got other people on the other side of the rope, and you're pulling back and forth, and it's a lot of effort, pulling, yanking, yanking. You want to know the best way to win tug of war?

Literally, as somebody goes to yank backwards, let go of the rope, they fall on their ass, and then you yank the rope back towards you. Who said that's not fair? Of course that's fair. Letting go of the struggle often makes the struggle go away. And so notice that Lisa's question was, Mel, I'm struggling to be a more tolerant person.

And so the way you become more tolerant is accept those three things about people. If they wanted to, they would. If they could, they would. Number two, you can't make them change. Number three, stop being mad at them for not being who you want.

And then you've learned some other things. Doesn't mean you can't change. Doesn't mean you can't draw boundaries. Doesn't mean you can't say, you can do all this stuff you want, but don't do it in front of me. I think it's a real wake up call when you start to look at how much you're trying to change other people.

We all do it, you know, you want somebody to be healthier. I'm sitting here thinking to myself that I really worry about my brother and I want him to be healthier. He's 6 foot 5, he's a big guy, he's always had a big build. And I worry because, you know, the ticker, the heart, it works extra hard when you're a tall guy. And so, you know, I can't make him change.

I can love him, I can tell him I'm worried about him, but he's got to be the one that is motivated to do it. And one of the things that I did, because, you know, I'm guilty of wishing people would change, I'm guilty of being frustrated. You know, I've shared with a lot of you that I really miss my parents. We don't live near each other and my parents don't like to travel over the holidays and I'd like them to come visit us here in southern Vermont. They're down in Florida and they don't want to travel over the holidays.

And I have a choice. I can accept them and love them or I can feel frustrated and want to change them. And what is feeling frustrated and wanting to change the people that you love do it just makes you feel frustrated. It makes you feel negative energy. When you're trying to change somebody, you're not loving them, you're judging them, accepting somebody where they are and offering support in a way that feels loving and supportive.

That's what we need to do for the people in our lives. Meet people where they are. Because trust me, everybody that you know is so damn hard on themselves. If you're worried about their weight, I promise you, they're worried about it too. If you're worried about their drinking, unless they're plowed all day long, they're worried about it too.

If you're worried about their finances or their marriage, I guarantee you they are too. And so you adding your worry only increases their tension, your tension, their struggle, your struggle, your judgment, your evaluation, it just adds on shame and pushes people away. So if you really want to be closer with people, come from connection, come from acceptance, come from love. I'm not saying this from Some high and mighty thing. I think you can tell that I struggle with this shit.

I struggle with giving it. I struggle with having receiving it. I am a work in progress, like we all are. Which takes me to our next question from a listener named Dan. In doing this work, I was able to see myself grow not only by my daily actions, but also by the way I started to think.

One day my wife and I were chatting in the kitchen and she actually said to me to stop acting like I'm on a pedestal. A selfish Mr. Know It all, which I had no idea I was doing. So this got me thinking, perhaps my change was affecting her. And for some reason, I felt I was at fault.

Can you speak specifically to your transition from being a regular parent to being mouth hugging Robins and how you overcame the family shakeup and what was all happening around that time? Thank you. Whew. Okay, this is a great question. So one thing first.

You know how I went from being just like a normal person? To quote Mel Robbins, there was not like some overnight thing that happened. I am who I am today because of the work that I've done over probably a decade. Like, this is not like I won the lottery and I went from being broke to being a millionaire. This is.

I went from being nearly bankrupt and basically a drunk on the verge of divorce in 2008 to meticulously, one foot in front of the other, slowly changing, slowly learning about myself. And so my family has had the benefit of seeing a slow, I mean, sometimes so tedious evolution, because that's what true change is. It doesn't happen overnight. It happens over time. But what you're talking about is really important for us all to understand.

And this is one of the most common questions that I get. Doesn't matter who you are, what kind of change you're making. The fact is, when you make a change, you create ripples that hit other people, whether you intend to or not. And this thing that I'm about to explain to you is so life changing. And I didn't see this for a long time.

I was guilty of being the kind of person that it sounds like you may be that when you're really excited about something, you become a huge cheerleader. Let's all go gluten free. Let's all become vegan. Oh, the best thing in the world is keto. Oh, you know what we should do?

We should take this seminar. We should all exercise. We should do this, we should do that. You should become an entrepreneur. I became like a just big advocate.

And when you do that, it can come off to other people, like you think you're better than them now that you've quit smoking or you've quit drinking, or you suddenly don't eat animals because you're a vegetarian. That sounded terrible. Now, that makes me want to be a vegetarian, honestly, when I say it that way. But you know what I'm saying. And so let me explain why that happens, okay?

Number one, everybody, any change you make impacts any relationship you're in, because relationships are about energy. And relationships are also about overlapping patterns. And if you think about that, it's true. The people that you feel closest to in terms of your friend group are people that you click with. It also happens that you probably have a lot of overlapping patterns.

Whether it's you have patterns of interest that overlap, or you work together in that overlaps, or you have kids the same age and that overlaps, or you live in the same neighborhood and that overlaps. And so it's this energy and this pattern thing. The second you change anything in your life, energy shifts and patterns change. And that means every relationship is going to change, and you can't. That's not anything you can avoid.

It's a fact of life. If you decide that you suddenly want to launch a side business, all of a sudden, you're not going to have time on Saturday nights to hang out with your buddies playing poker. It's a fact. Because you're going to be interested in working on your side business. And as you work on your side business, you're going to start meeting other people that do the same kind of business.

And because you are interested in that, you're going to be spending more time with them. Patterns change. I want you to accept that as a fact. It doesn't mean anything's wrong. But let's talk about the issue that you're facing with your wife, okay?

Because this is what you need to understand about other people. Your changes do not inspire other people. They confront them. I'm going to say that again. Your changes do not inspire other people.

They confront them. And I'm going to give you a famous example from my marriage. I am once again the jerk in the story. And Chris is the winner. There's no winners.

That was me being funny. Chris is the transformed one. I'm the jerk. Okay? So a couple years ago, Chris made this decision that he was going to stop drinking for a while, and I was so excited for him.

He had had a major problem with alcohol as the restaurant business was really struggling. It was basically the way that he dealt with his stress. And so when he got out of the restaurant business, he's like, I gotta make major changes, I gotta stop drinking, I need to get healthy. I gotta figure out who I am and what I wanna do with my life. And so he decided step number one, not drinking.

I'm like, yes. I was a yes for about two days. And then by day three, dinner time rolls around and I had a habit of loving to open up a bottle of wine while I was cooking. And so day one and day two, I did not do that. I was supportive of my husband's change.

And day three, I'm like, meh, I think I'm gonna have a glass of wine. Just cause he's not drinking doesn't mean I can't drink. And by the way, Chris was also amazing in that he wasn't like, I'm doing this, you need to do this. He's like, I'm doing this for myself. So I open up the bottle of wine and I'm cooking.

And Chris is standing there and the kids are running around and I take out the wine glass and I'm like, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug. And then I say, hey, would you like to have a glass? And he's like, nope, look, are you sure? I mean, it's basically just juice, you know, it's not that big of a deal. It's not like you're having some bourbon.

He's like, no, I don't want any wine, Mel. Like, come on. And he looks at me kind of like he did this morning actually with the veterinary story. He looks at me very frustrated. He said, mel, I don't want to drink.

Stop asking me to have a glass of wine. And then I said, I'm sorry. Sheesh. You know, I just, I just feel bad because, you know, I feel bad having a glass of wine on my own. And then he said something that was a mic drop.

He said, if you're concerned about what's in your glass, then maybe you should figure out your relationship to drinking. Because the fact is, Mel, nobody cares what's in your glass but you. And if me putting non alcoholic seltzer in my glass makes you think about what's in your glass, then you've got some changing to do. And he's right. And this is my point.

If somebody is confronted by your change, it's because your change is making them think about what they're doing or not doing in their own life. Just like Chris's decision To stop drinking made me think about my decision to have a glass of wine while I was cooking dinner every night. And here's the thing. He's right. Nobody gives a shit what's in your glass.

But people who get confronted, it's easier for them to attack you or to get you to change your behavior than to take a look in the mirror and change their own. It's easier for me to question what Chris is doing than to look in the mirror and go, well, should I have a glass of wine? Maybe I don't want a glass of wine. Maybe it's just some dumb habit that I've had for 10 years and I don't really care about drinking wine. But now Chris is making me think about that, and it's a hell of a lot easier for me to question him than for me to question me.

There's actually science around this. It's called my side bias. There is so much research about this. Cognitive bias, that's a fancy word for your brain, has certain ways that it thinks that are totally screwed up. Okay?

And my side bias is what's called a true blind spot. It doesn't matter how smart you are. It doesn't matter how much money you have, how educated you are. My side bias impacts absolutely every single one of us. What does that mean?

That means once we have an opinion about something, we will argue for our side no matter what. Chris is going to argue that not drinking is the best thing on the planet. And I'm going to argue that there's nothing wrong with having a glass of wine. And here's the problem with my side bias. Number one, it prevents you by being defensive about your side.

It prevents you from being open to other ideas, other possibilities. Maybe you don't want to have a glass of wine when you cook dinner. Maybe you don't want to be playing poker with your buddies in their garage every Saturday night. You really would like to get started on that real estate business you've been thinking about for years. But instead, we argue for our side.

In fact, at the University of Toronto, there is a doctor, he's also a professor, Dr. Keith Stanovich. He's a psychologist that teaches there. He is done so much research on my side biased. He's considered the scientist scientist when it comes to the field of cognitive science.

And some of the research that I dug up as I was looking at this, because I was curious, why are we so resistant to change? Why is it that when a friend of ours wants to roll out of bed and go to the gym at 7 o'clock in the morning, we tend to roll our eyes instead of rolling out of bed with them. Well, it has to do with this my side bias. In fact, there's interesting research here and this is why it's so important for you to do what Chris did, which is don't try to make somebody else change. Don't try to make them have the water instead of the wine.

Don't try to make them positive when they're wallowing. Don't try to make them healthy when they're not. Because based on the research, when you give somebody a lecture, which is basically the way that it feels when somebody says, you know, you should lose some weight, you know, maybe you're drinking a little bit too, that's a lecture. Only 3% of people change when they feel like the change is being forced upon them. 3%.

Those are not great odds. You want to know better odds? When they think it's their idea. 37% of people will change when they believe the idea came from themselves. That is so important because if you actually would love to see people in your life make positive changes, you have to operate so that they believe the change is their own.

So let me go back to the example with Chris. So if Chris had told me that he thinks I have a drinking problem, I would resist that because of the my side bias. I would argue, oh no, I don't. But when he says, stop pressuring me. Nobody cares what's in your glass but you.

And if you're concerned about what's in your glass based on what I'm doing, then you need to think about what you should be doing. Mel, by asking that question and forcing me to think about my own behavior and my own choices. Of course, whatever I do next is going to become my idea because he's forced me to think about what I actually want to do. So back to Dan. I'm sure, Dan, your wife feels judged.

So first of all, apologize. If anything that you've done in terms of your enthusiasm made your wife feel less than super simple thing to do, you can certainly invite her to participate with you. But do not tell her to. Do not lecture her about it. Do not force anything on her at all.

Because now, you know, only 3% of people ever change when they feel like the change is something somebody else wants them to do or is forcing them to do or is lecturing them about. So that's takeaway number one. Takeaway number two, you can ask your wife questions, why does this bother you? What about what I'M doing inspires you. Is there anything that you would want me to change?

Invite that kind of dialog and you're going to open something up. Because if your wife or your spouse or your partner, your roommate, your friend, whatever, like let's take this broader than Dan's question. If somebody in your life is confronted by the changes that you're making, they're passive aggressive, they roll their eyes. This is normal. I want you to stop for a second and let's come back to a little bit of compassion.

Your behavior sent a ripple that's making them feel triggered. And we know it's easier to question you than to question themselves. But trust me, if they're questioning you, they're also questioning themselves. And so remember the three rules. If they wanted to or if they could, they would.

Number two, you can't make them change. You can make them laugh, you can make them think. You can make them feel included, but you can't make them change. And number three, please stop being mad that they're not who you want them to be. They may never be who you want them to be.

Loving somebody means loving them where they are and where they're not. It means loving and accepting them for who they are and who they're not. Now remember, you can have boundaries. You should talk to your wife about the ways in which you could talk about these changes. That would be supportive to her.

You can have boundaries with her and she can have boundaries with you. Maybe your tone of voice is a little lecture, but she loves hearing about it. She just doesn't want to hear it as if it's a lecture or if she has to participate or if there's something wrong with her for not doing it. Chris, I have to say, handled this like a boss. He actually handled this like a boss in something going on right now every morning when that alarm goes off at 5:45 and I roll over to my left and I see that Chris is already up, he's already up and at him.

And when I walk into the kitchen and I see his gallon jug of water and he's already drunk a quarter of it and it's only 6:15 in the morning and at 6:30am after I've written in my journal and I've had my cup of coffee and I've set my intentions and he's come in from his first workout of the day with our two dogs trailing behind, he doesn't say, you should be doing this. Why aren't you? Oh, you're up now. No, he's just Focused on what's making him happy. And what's interesting is all these changes he's making, it is sending a ripple effect.

You know what it's doing? It's making me go, hmm, I wonder what would happen if I got up a little bit earlier. Might be kind of nice to get up with him and take that walk with the dogs outside of it. Hmm. Wonder what would happen if I exercised twice a day, if I took on this structure.

And so the truth is, Chris made a change. It sent ripples through our marriage and our relationship, and he never said a damn word about it. The change itself is impacting me and making me think. Pretty cool how that works, huh? We're talking about what I've learned in the last couple years about marriage.

And my husband and I, as you now know, have been married for 26 years. We've been together for 28 years. We started seeing a marriage counselor, a therapist, whatever you call him, he's amazing. Dr. Cooper, I love this man.

Thank you. Dr. Cooper, if you're listening, I want to share with you kind of six observations that I have from my personal experience about why it matters, why it's important to work on it, and what you need to do if you do want to repair a relationship that's broken or you want to improve and continue to grow together. So the first thing is you have to be intentional and say to yourself, I am going to turn this around. I'm going to make it better.

Because there's no half assing your marriage. You have to decide to make it better. Wishing it were better is what you're already doing. And it's very different than committing to make it better. Nothing in life is going to change until you make a decision to change it.

And then you have to schedule in what you're doing with your partner to change it. And see, I look at marriage as this sort of like living thing. It's like a container in which you and your partner either grow or you wither and dry. I know that sounds like brutal and dramatic, but it's true. And if your marriage or your friendship matters to you, make it a fucking priority.

It's really simple. If you want anything to grow, I mean, this is common sense. You got to care for it, you have to tend to it. You got to water it with kindness, with interest, with support. You have to tend to both your and your partner's ongoing growth.

I mean, it's critical to your marriage. And I've said this a bazillion times, and I'm Going to keep reminding you our marriage is not perfect. It's not the ideal. It is ideal for us. And I've already shared with you that there were years that are wonderful where we were wonderful to each other, where we were together all the time and investing in each other's growth and growing together.

And then there are those years that sucked. We caused each other a lot of pain. And I want you to view the painful stuff in a relationship like weeds in a garden. Over time, if you're not careful, those weeds, they fucking take over. So do not ignore the little shitty stuff.

Because weeds, they start out as just tiny little thing and then have you ever noticed you, like, go away from your garden for a couple days and it rains and then the sun comes out and these teeny little weeds are like five feet tall. That's the little shitty, irritating stuff. Talk about it. Ask for what you need. Clear the air.

Do not harbor resentment. And I'm telling you, therapy, if you can afford it, get yourself to therapy. It is a gift. You know, Chris and I were already talking to an individual therapist, but that's not working on your marriage, by the way. That's working on yourself.

And you should work on yourself. But it wasn't until we came together and made it a priority that things really started to shift. And one of the things that I love about talking to a therapist is that for me, I get more out of a 45 minute call with a therapist. We have never met our therapist in person. We do the entire thing virtually, but hitting the pause button every other week to truly unpack something that happened between the two of us.

Listen to one another. That's the hard part for me. I'm learning to learn about one another. This is better than any damn date night could ever be. Because we're not just like going out and having time alone.

We're actually investing in our growth. That's very different than having a steak and a bottle of wine. Like, we're digging out the weeds in our relationship so that things can blossom and bloom. So that when we do go out for that meal and you know, that night out, it's actually more than just a dinner date. It's something that has real depth to it.

So for you, you know, if you can't afford therapy, I totally get it, but I totally understand. I have been in that place in my life. There are free online courses you can take together, there are books that you could read together. In fact, the episode that we just released, Dr. Nicole Apera, her brand new workbook how to meet yourself is a guided journey through knowing yourself better.

You could use that $25. Use that to make your marriage better. So there are things that you can do if you get intentional. So, number two, this is also something that is critical. It seems like common sense, but you gotta do it.

You gotta develop a genuine sense of interest again in the person you were interested when you first met them. Remember that? But I bet along the way, you started to decide, oh, I know everything. I know about this stupid person. Ugh, there they go again.

Eye roll. Well, in therapy, I learned a lot about Chris that I didn't know. And I'm going to say it again in therapy. I learned a lot about my husband that I didn't know. And I'm talking 24 years into marriage things that I didn't know.

I'm not talking about deep, dark secrets. I'm talking about the way that his thoughts and his feelings impact him. You know, I may. And like, for example, I had no idea how traumatized Chris was by his childhood because it wasn't like anything horrific happened to him. And his mom is one of my closest friends.

But he was a latchkey kid. His parents were always working. His brothers were way older. Nobody was ever around. And so it was this sort of slow death march of isolation and feeling constantly alone.

His experience was, when I get home, nobody's there. When I play baseball, nobody shows up. That if I ask for something, I get teased. Nobody listens. So he stopped out asking.

In fact, he stopped asking to such a degree that he used to have a nickname in his family when he was little. You know what they called my husband? The Monument. You want to know why? Because he didn't talk for two years.

And everybody laughs about it. It was like some big joke. And the truth is, it's actually really sad. I mean, they laughed about it because nobody knew any better. And because he was just a little kid that felt like he was unseen and wasn't worthy of love.

His needs didn't matter, he didn't know how to ask, or it just shut him down even more. And so I learned that part of the reason why he never asked for anything is because his experience growing up is that nobody gave a shit. And that helped me go from being annoyed at how quiet he is to really wanting to help support him. Because the fact is, he isn't the most effusive person. He's not the hardy har har guy.

He's a deep thinker. And being interested, yes, it means be interested in Somebody's hobbies, be interested in what happened to them, be interested in what they're saying. But it also means be interested in learning more about them as a human being. And we're all guilty of assuming we know someone just because we've known them for a long time. So starting today, here's how you can apply this.

Assume, starting today, that you don't know a lot about the person that you're with, that there's a whole part of them to discover. And I'm not talking about some deep, dark secret. I'm just talking about how they feel, how their childhood impacted them. You know, just think about yourself for a minute. When I think about how much I've changed my God, in the last four years, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, I've lived that in my own mind and body.

Unless you talk about it and listen to each other, you're not going to know that. I can give you another example of how little we know about each other. So when I was hosting this daytime talk show, we did an episode where Chris was on and there was this, like, marriage expert relationship person. And Chris revealed on national television that when it comes to being intimate, he prefers to have sex in the morning. I had been married to the guy for 22 years.

I had no idea that that's what he preferred. So you're not going to really get connected to someone unless you're interested in learning more about them. So ask more questions. Be more curious. And that interest also means be loud and celebratory.

I've been working on this. I mean, Chris, as he's leading his men's retreat called Soul Degree. I'm cheering for him. As he is pursuing a master's in spiritual psychology. I am rooting for him as he is studying and getting a certificate to be a death doula.

I am, like, clearing the schedule, making sure he's got time to do that. As he is pursuing a certification to do integration therapy for the new psychedelic modalities. I'm like, all in him feeling supported and celebrated. That makes him know that I'm not only interested, but that I love him enough to be supportive in the things that he wants to do. And of course, he is cheering loud for me.

And this isn't just obvious. This is also researched. Celebrating and sharing wins is critical. It's probably one of the reasons why you're roommates. You need to start pointing out what's going right instead of griping about the shit that's going wrong.

Researchers from UCLA discovered that the single most crucial Factor in tightening or destroying a bond that you have with your partner is how you react to good news in one another's lives. How you react to good news based on research, way more important than how you react to any bad news. And here's why. You see, researchers found that celebrating your partner gives your partner an emotional lift, Whereas playing down big news like, oh, that's okay, that's okay, it leaves a lasting chill. And so you can start implementing that practice immediately.

The next time your partner has something good happen, big or small, celebrate that shit. Show them how proud you are, give them a high five, hug them, and if they don't have something amazing going on, freaking call it out. Thank you for taking the dog out. Thank you for doing this. The small things really matter because when they're ignored, those small things become weeds and resentment that grow and that separate the two of you.

Now, the third thing, we did an entire episode on this. I call it get on the fun bus. I'm serious. In therapy, one thing that I said over and over to Chris is this. Our life is too serious.

Man, I am so sick and tired of talking about all this serious shit. I am tired of the problems. I am tired of just feeling like life is a grind. We need to have more fucking fun. And the thing about fun, and we talked about this on the episode, about having fun with your family around the holidays, is you're not having fun unless you plan to have fun.

I think we all make the mistake of thinking that, oh, fun has to be spontaneous. No, when you were little, your parents planned all the fun shit you did, and so you got to get serious about inserting fun again. In fact, I want to share a story with you. This is how important this is and how this simple concept infuses a dead relationship with new energy. It infuses that roommate syndrome that you may be feeling with this new rhythm and fun that can happen, you know, instead of that slow quitting, you can pick up the fun again and start to reinvest in each other.

And I'm telling you right now, the more that you can bring fun back into your relationship, just like you did when you were dating in the beginning. Remember those days? There's a reason why dating is fun, because you're planning fun things to do. Just this past weekend, we had flown from Southern Vermont to Northern California to go to a business meeting. And we had 90 minutes before we had to get to the start of this business meeting.

And as we're driving from the San Francisco airport, I'm like, oh, my God. Have you ever seen the redwood forest? I think Muir woods is right here. Neither one of us had never been there. So we pull off the highway.

It is 4:15 at night. The Muir Woods National Forest is closing in 45 minutes. There is a dark, looming rain cloud coming, and it looks like it's about to rain horizontally. We drive straight to muir woods with 30 minutes to spare. We were the only ones there.

It was so fun. And there were this dark, cloudy sky, so it felt like we were in a Hobbit movie. We hadn't planned it. It was so fun, and it reminded me we need to do more of that. So the fastest way to create more energy, go see a great movie, go exercise or hike together, take dancing lessons, cook something new, check out a concert, head to a theme park, ride a roller coaster, go skinny dipping.

It doesn't matter what you do. Do something that you used to do when you were dating. Just make it fun. And what if your partner doesn't want to do any of these fun things? Total bump on the log.

All right, well, when we come back, I have somebody who's struggling with that, and we're going to hear her question next. All right, welcome back. I'm Mel Robbins, and we're talking about the things that I have learned after being married for 26 years and being in and working with a marriage therapist with my husband for the past two years. And so we've covered a couple of them. And now I want to address a question that I am getting a lot, and this one comes from a listener named Jen.

Hey, Mel, it's Jen. How do we continue to move forward through the change process with a partner who's not willing to move forward to or at least encourage you? There's a huge gap coming, and it's really scary. Thanks so much, Mel. We appreciate everything that you do.

You know, I can kind of hear the fear in your voice, Jen. It is scary when you get to a point where you realize that you've grown apart from somebody that you used to know. But first, remember, if underneath all that, you still truly love this person and you're willing to work on it, you can absolutely make it better, and it's worth doing the work on. But your question is something that I get a lot. Your partner's not encouraging you, and your partner sounds like doesn't want to do the work.

So I'm going to address this, and I want to just make sure that there are two aspects to this question of your partner not wanting to move forward, not Wanting to join you, not encouraging you. So there is two situations where that's true, and one of them is not that big of a deal, and one of them is a really big deal. So if you're with somebody that doesn't want to do the things that you want to do, they're not interested in having fun. For example, like, let's say my husband really wanted to go to a dude ranch. I personally have zero interest in doing that.

I do not want to move forward with that idea. I once went to a dude ranch to celebrate my dad's 70th birthday, and I got. Got bucked off a horse and broke my leg and my tailbone. Not interested in that. However, it is important if you want to go the distance.

I believe this so much that you are able to do things on your own, and you were supported in that. So it's very different to say that your partner doesn't want to be the plus one in your professional dancing career, or they don't want to be the plus one in your desire to scale Mount Kilimanjaro. That's cool. You should pursue things separately from one another. You should have friends that you go off and do things with.

You should have goals and hobbies that are yours alone. But I don't think that's what you're asking. I think what you're asking is, what do I do if I want to work on this, but my husband will not go to therapy. My husband will not address the problems. My partner or wife will not do the work.

If you're in that situation where you're willing and you love this person and they refuse to go to therapy, it's not going to work. You can go to therapy alone, but you will not be working on your marriage. You'll be working on yourself. And yes, therapy will change you for the better. And it might just change some of your habits and your mindset.

So that changes the dynamic in your marriage. But to me, that's really a marriage of enduring. It's a marriage that you're surviving because you're with somebody that's not willing to meet you halfway. And when you're in a relationship and the other person won't work on it, what's going to happen is, and I've seen this happen over and over and over again, is the one person who's willing to go to therapy, who's willing to look in the mirror, who's willing to work on themselves. You know what they tend to do.

They work themselves to a new level. And right on out of that marriage. That's what happens. Because if you don't continue to grow with somebody, you're going to grow to resent them.

And that is a scary place. But my only kind of recommendation is you got to keep asking, you got to work on yourself. And at some point there will become a time where you're going to say, it's not negotiable. In order for me to stay in this relationship, you have to be able to do xyz. And if you can't do those things, then I can't stand this because you're not willing to work on it.

And I hope it doesn't come to that. Now, another thing that has made a big difference in our relationship in the last couple years, bringing us much closer together is reversing roles. So. So this is not some sort of, like, thing you're going to do in the bedroom, although you can. This is not the thing that I'm referring to, although maybe Chris and I should try that.

But what I'm talking about is sort of the default roles that you both play in your relationship. So I used to be the person, and this is probably due to my anxiety where I was the one that was always planning everything. I would pick the restaurants, I'd set the agenda, I would bulldoze the path forward. And here's what I learned in therapy that in me moving so fast all the time and always taking control, it created two major problems. Problem number one, Chris had zero room to step in and take the lead and take care of me.

And the more I just did it, I just took care of it. I just picked the restaurant. Da da da da da da da da da da. The more I made Chris feel really concerned that if he tried to do those things, I wouldn't like what he did. And so my busyness, my proactiveness, my anxiety about it, my just get it done, get it done, get it done, get it done.

It literally made his silence and his thinking worse because there was no room for him to do anything. And second, and here's where the real kicker came, I started to feel like everything was always up to me and that if I didn't do it, nobody would do it. And you know, it's funny, because this dynamic that I created because of my sort of anxious and go getter nature literally was the reason why this happened. I would do everything and then be like, why the hell are you doing something? Why is it always me doing something?

And then Chris would go like, well, because you're always doing something and I never have time to do something. And I would like to do something, but you've already done that thing. And so we were just locked in this. We were physically together, but having a massive disconnection in our emotional experience of being together. And that theme showed up over and over and over again in therapy.

In fact, when Dr. Cooper said to us, you guys are great at transaction, you're sequestered emotionally. That's exactly what he meant, that you're great at doing all this shit, Mel, and you're great at doing all your shit, Chris, but you're in your own corners emotionally and you're not aware of how one another is feeling. So how are we changing that? Well, there's a lot of slowing down.

I'm learning when you are changing a relationship for the better. Because what you're really changing in your relationship when you change it for the better is you are breaking apart the old patterns and you are replacing them with new ways of showing up. And so again, it's like habits that you need to break and replace and a muscle that you need to rep. And so me personally, I'm working on stepping back instead of just racing ahead full throttle. And I am giving Chris the lead on planning and organizing.

I mean, the man does design and lead men's retreats, for crying out loud. So for example, when our anniversary came up, normally I would pick what we're going to do. I would do all this kind of stuff. And you know, I also noticed that I have this propensity to be like, oh no, that's okay, you don't have to get anything. Oh no, no, no, I don't need anything.

Let's not do presents this year. And then I'd be pissed off that there were no presents. So the poor guy couldn't win. I told you I was the asshole in this relationship. So I said to Chris, why don't you just take the reins, don't even tell me what we're doing.

And it was incredible. He surprised me and booked this place that was literally less than an hour away from us in Southern Vermont. We took a few days off to just unplug and eat phenomenal food and sleep without the dog waking us up at 5:30 in the morning. And Chris surprised me. It was on our 26th wedding anniversary, on that first night with this stunning ring and vows that he had written out.

And you know, I. The ring was really insane because Chris had not given me a piece of jewelry that he had picked out and bought for me. Since our engagement ring. I'm gonna say that again. In 26 years, Chris had not picked out and given me a piece of jewelry.

Since our engagement ring, I had always pointed things out and told him what to get and, again, manage that. And what had happened is, a year ago, I had. We were deep in therapy, and I was out in Vegas to give a speech, and Chris had come with me. And as a lark, one night before we were about to pull into the elevators at the hotel, we walked into this jewelry store, and I tried on this crazy ring. And little did I know, Chris had called the store after we left Vegas, got the details, and had a jeweler back home make it.

And he had been holding onto it for months, waiting for the right time to give it to me. Now, I, of course, had nothing to give to him, but it was incredible. And, you know, after that experience, I nicknamed him the Trip leader, because I realized that the moments in life that I feel the safest and the most in love with him are not when he's giving me jewelry. It's when he's the leader. He's blazing the trail.

When we're hiking, he's setting up camp. When we're camping, he is really doing what he does best, which, ironically, is planning. In fact, he's so good at it, I might never, ever plan a thing again. You know, and one other thing I want to say about that. When our 25th wedding anniversary hit, things were so bad between us, we didn't do anything.

I mean, imagine making it to 25 years and being in a state in your marriage where you're like, I don't even feel like celebrating. We have so much work to do to find our way back to one another after all the shit that we have been through these past couple years and how far apart we feel from one another and how much resentment has built up and for him, how much shame and regret, and for me, shame and regret, too, that on our 25th wedding anniversary, we didn't do anything. We didn't celebrate. We didn't post about it. We didn't toast.

We just let the day come and we let the day go. And so for us to get to a point a year later where he and I have been working hard to truly address the things that went sideways and to hear one another and to be interested in one another's experience and feelings and be interested in showing up and changing, that's what we were actually celebrating. That's why there were new vows, and that's what's possible when Both of you are willing to do the work. And so the fifth thing is, you gotta ask for what you need. It's taken me 20 some years to just ask for what I need.

This is a novel idea. But instead of being pissed off at your partner, why not just ask for what you need? It's a lot easier than being angry and annoyed all the time. And I think a lot of us get into trouble. This is that sort of slow, quiet quitting that I was talking about.

Because we show up in a relationship and we expect our partner to behave the same way we wish they would. And we don't ever fully communicate what we actually need. And they don't ever fully communicate what they need. You know, I gave you the example of us being married for 20 years and me not even knowing that Chris prefers to be intimate in the morning. Never talked about it.

Like, that's. That's dumb. Why not just talk about it? It just is so obvious. I'll give you another example.

I love flowers. I mean, I love, love, love flowers. I have parents that turned a wooded plot of land in suburban West Michigan into this gorgeous, gorgeous perennial garden. And I just love flowers. It reminds me of my childhood.

I love taking care of them, I love growing them, and I love buying myself flowers. Nothing makes me happier than going to the grocery store. And if I see a little bouquet of tulips or daffodils, I mean, I'm talking $3, $4. You don't have to, like, buy the roses. I just love having fresh flowers in my house.

And when Chris goes to the grocery store and he buys a bundle of tulips for me, it's like, oh, my God, you were thinking about me. And you know this about me. It took me a long time to tell Chris that. Do you know what was happening instead? For years, when I would travel, I would take off on a Monday to go give a bunch of speeches.

I'd return home on a Friday, like a lot of you do that travel for work that are road warriors out there. And I would come home and you know what would be on the kitchen counter when I got home? A vase full of the dead flowers that I had bought for myself that nobody in the family had bothered to pull out of the vase while I was gone. And when I would walk in and see those dead flowers, that was a sign to me that nobody even thought about me while I was gone. Nobody was expecting me to come home tonight.

Nobody was excited for me to come home. And so one day I said to Chris, you know, it would mean a lot to me if, when I come home from a business trip or hell, whenever you go to the grocery store, if you just picked up flowers. Because when I see I'm talking grocery store, flowers people, I'm not talking go to the florist, I'm saying the bare minimum. When there's a little bundle, a tulip sitting in a plastic vase on the counter or a mason jar, it makes me. It makes me know that you're thinking of me.

And I'll tell you, that's all it took. Every time the man goes to the grocery store, he returns with flowers and it puts the biggest frickin smile on my face. So ask instead of punishing somebody, instead of quietly quitting, get loud about what you want. And in return, ask your partner to get loud about what they need from you. Don't assume that you know your partner's love language or what they wish that you were doing.

Just ask them and start doing it. And finally, this is a big one. Assume good intent.

One of the things that I've learned about my husband, Chris, it's been a reminder, really. And this is one of those things that happens when you really slow down and you get present with the person, whether it's your spouse or your partner or a friend, is that my husband's just like. He's just like a really nice guy. There's not a mean bone in Christopher Robin's body. And I get so worked up in my own shit, but I forget that.

I just forget that he's not out to be an asshole. He's not trying to screw me over. He's not some dickhead that's doing the. He's just a nice guy who's doing his best. And see, I think we forget that if you deep down still love the person that you're with.

But there's all this crap that's built up. Find your way to anchor there. Assume good intent. Assume that they didn't mean to use that tone of voice, that they didn't mean to frustrate you, that they didn't mean to fail at whatever they failed at, that they didn't mean. Assume good intent.

Remember the person that you fell in love with, because I believe that person is still deep down in there. But any relationship, whether it's a friendship or a family relationship or a love relationship that goes the distance, there's shit that builds up, but the person who they are at their core, that doesn't change. That doesn't change. And so if your response to Me saying assume good intent is, oh, Christ, Mel. I mean, you should like.

And you're starting to make a case about the person you're with. There's your answer. Get out. If you can't even admit that at their core this is a good person, this is a nice person, then get out. Because you're with somebody that's not a nice person, you're more committed to making your case and being right about this than you are about seeing something deeper that's worth working for.

And to me, that's the bottom line, because that's what I've learned through these past challenging years and at times, very painful changes in years that we've been through that. If you're both willing to look a little deeper and remind yourself of why you loved him in the first place, if you're both willing to look in the mirror and work on yourselves and your relationship, you can work through anything. You really can. You can get through some horrific things. You can get through things that seem insurmountable, whether it is addiction or the death of a loved one or cheating or bankruptcy.

You can get through all kinds of things. If you're both willing to work on yourselves and your relationship, if you're willing to remember that deep down you're with somebody that is a good person at heart, that maybe lost their way, that your relationship is a living, breathing, organic thing, a place where you're either going to grow or you're going to wither and die. You got to care for it. You got to tend to it. You got to shower it with kindness and genuine interest and support.

And please, dear God, can we start having some fucking fun? I mean, let's just stop waiting for another couple to invite you over and start throwing some dinner parties and some dance parties and some playlists and have some fun. Like maybe it's that we've all gotten a little too serious. Save the serious talk for your therapy sessions and bring the fun to the rest of your life. Bring your inner life to the surface.

And I'm telling you, your connection will not only grow, but it will also grow strong. And in case no one else tells you today, I hope that your partner or your friend tells you this. But in case they don't, I'm going to tell you I love you and I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to create a better life and better relationships. And how about you start putting what I just shared with you to work right now? If you do want to improve your relationship, there's a simple thing about relationships.

The one thing that will change any relationship dynamic, whether it's family or friends or romantic, committed partnership, the one thing that changes any relationship is you going out of your way to make sure somebody else's fundamental needs are met. Our are you showing up in a way that your family feels seen and heard and appreciated? Are you reaching out? Are you acknowledging what they're doing? Are you complimenting them on the things that they're doing?

You know, for many, many years, my mom and I were at a complete deadlock. We loved each other to death, but we didn't understand each other. And because we didn't understand each other, because in many ways we're super similar. And in other ways, we're very different because we didn't understand each other. There was a lot of pent up hurt because we wanted to feel connected, we wanted to feel supported by one another, but because we live our lives so differently, you know, she's in the Midwest, in the house that I grew up in in a really small town.

I went east for college. I never came home. We both hate the fact that we don't live near each other. And instead of somehow coming together and figuring out new ways to be more deeply connected, rather than living next door to each other, we stopped understanding each other. And that led to a lot of this.

And when you stop understanding each other, then you cross your arms and go, oh, well, I'm over here and why are you over there? And you know, if, you know, come on over the line and then I'll feel safe with you again. And so we were in a standoff for a long time. A lot of misunderstanding, kind of hurt feelings, bristly phone calls. When I'd get together, you know, either going to see my folks or then coming here, it'd be tense because there was so much unresolved stuff because we didn't understand each other.

I wanted her to be loving, she wanted me to be loving. I wanted her to make more of an effort. She wanted me to make more of an effort. Does this sound familiar, everybody? Well, if you want to stop the tug of war that comes from misunderstanding, drop the rope and understand that everybody on the planet just wants to be seen, to be heard, and to be celebrated.

And one of the things that has profoundly changed my relationship with my mom, it's started to heal. It is, first of all, I've done a tremendous amount of work on myself for my own childhood trauma, my own nervous system. Healing yourself is the greatest way to heal any other relationship, because every relationship starts with you. But the second thing that I did is three days a week, I have an alarm that goes off in my phone at the same time that says, call Mom. And I pick up the phone and I call my mom.

And the only intention behind that call is to just check in and ask her a bunch of questions about what's going on and to show up in a way, no strings attached, that makes my mom know that I see her, I hear her, and I appreciate and celebrate her. And I noticed that the more frequently we talk and check in, the way more connected we are, the way more we understand one another. And it's been and was one way for a long time. Because I did it with no strings attached. I did it not to fix my mom.

I did it to empower a dynamic. Dynamic where I was showing up differently. And by me showing up differently, it has created a way for her to show up differently. Because she now feels emotionally safe with me. She now feels like I understand her again.

She now and says this. I feel like you're back. I feel like the daughter that left for college and never came home has actually come home. And that has happened because I've worked on myself, because I have stopped doing what you're doing, which is crossing your arms and going, nobody understands me. And why don't they support me and why don't they show up differently?

And I've instead said, this matters to me. So I'm going to give my folks what I have been wishing I'd get from that. And that shifts everything. Because behind any person that doesn't understand you or any person that you have some kind of toxic dynamic, I promise you, there is either their own childhood trauma and untreated stuff that they don't have any idea that is impacting their current relationships. Or more likely, or on top of, there's hurt feelings.

Somebody feels disrespected, somebody feels invisible, Somebody feels disconnected. And human beings, instead of leaning toward each other, tend to cross their arms and lean back. It's a protection mechanism. Hey, it's Mel. Thank you so much for being here.

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