Transcript of The 3 Biggest Challenges You’ll Face When Your Kids Leave for College | Mel Robbins Clips

The first additional challenge is that if your kids leave for college and you realize, Oh my gosh, my kids were my entire life. I have no sense of purpose without them here. The second challenge is that they leave, and now you have to face relationship issues, whether it's issues in a marriage or issues in your relationship to being single. The third challenge is what happens when you're moving through this hard transition, and your child is really struggling. Now, these are all extremely common challenges. If you're facing any of them, you're not alone, and you have everything that you need within you to not only meet this challenge, but to rise to it. But the first thing that I want you to do is to recognize that this is, in fact, an additional issue that you're dealing with right now, and that it compounds the nature of how you move through this transition. It also requires you to do something. You have to take full responsibility for how you're going to show up and move through this and face it head-on. Because just like nobody can spread your wings and fly for you, nobody can face these challenges for you either.

So don't be surprised that if the kids have left and the issues that you've been avoiding or ignoring are now adding to this sense of emptyness or fear that you have, this is very common. Because the emptyness may not just be the house. It can be the sense that along the way, you lost a little bit of yourself. I mean, it is so easy to get caught up in the role of being a parent and caring for everyone else that you forget that you're also a person who has very real needs. And this new chapter of your life is an opportunity for you to truly understand what your needs are, to learn how to put yourself first while still being supportive of the people you love, and do the work to create one of the most exciting and fulfilling chapters of your life yet. So let's talk about these three challenges and the opportunity that they create for you to become more of who you're meant to be. And that very first challenge is is when you realize in this emptyness that your entire sense of purpose was your children. And I got to just reaffirm something I already told you.

You earned a gold medal. You parented the heck out of those kids. And I love it when I see people who are bragging about their kids, or they went to this college, I'm like, Good job, Mom. Good job, Dad. Good job, Grandma, Grandpa, aunts, uncles, everybody. And I'm saying it to you, too. And now I want to say something else to you and to me. You are not put on this Earth to be a wife, or a husband, or a mother, or a father. Those are roles that you play. They are just one of the amazing things that you do in life. And you did that role so well, and you're going to continue to do an incredible job. Because remember what I said, that you're on a parallel path with your kids? One of the things that your son and daughter is going to learn, whether it's in the college experience or going right into the workforce or going into the military, is they're going to learn that they are more than a son or a daughter. So if you feel like you've been lost in your identity of being a parent, this is such a common experience.

It's easy to do. I mean, think about the logistics and the carpooling and the team sports and the college shirts and the friends and the packing and the this and the that and the forms and the financial aid and being there and attending all the games and supporting everyone. And I have some news for you. You're not done with that. Just because they left the nest doesn't mean they're not coming back. And as they get older, what I have found is that the problems just get bigger and more expensive. However, what I'm seeing with friends of mine, and what I'm seeing a lot of in the inbox at melrobbins. Com, is that this lack of purpose is a really big part the challenge that you're facing when your kids leave. And that's what's making this transition even harder. And maybe you're having a moment of honesty with yourself. Maybe you're thinking, this is something I've avoided dealing with for a long time. And I knew this day is coming, and now it's here. So let's talk about how you find purpose in this moment. Because everything that we already discussed about change being hard and the process of your body learning new patterns, that still applies.

That experience of learning how to be with that quiet or that deafening silence, there's no avoiding that. That's just you having to adjust to new patterns, and you got to give it a month or two. But when you lack purpose, there's a second thing that's looming in the background that you feel. It's this sense of paralysis that you don't know what to do. It's a lack of direction because you either are not sure how to move on the board, or maybe you loved your old life so much you don't really want to have to. You're sad that this part of your life is over. Getting your kids into college was your North Star. I'm pointing to this and validating it because there are two things you have to do at the same time if purpose is missing. First, you're going to have to go through the process of managing change. You're going to have to give yourself the grace and the time and use language to affirm that you're just going through the process of learning new patterns. This feeling is going to be temporary. You are built to do this, and it is absolutely going to get better and better.

But you also have to do a second thing at the same time, which is address the problem of having a lack of purpose head-on. Even though I said problem, it's not a problem. This is a huge opportunity. I want to address this in two camps. First, I want to talk to you if you already have a sense of what your purpose might be. Maybe you've been putting off a career as a realtor, or waiting to write that book, or to go back to school, or to pursue your art, or there was something that you were waiting on until they left. And I got to say something, whatever it is, you spread those wings and you start flapping, baby, and you start flying toward it. That is your job, to leave the nest every day and fly a little bit forward toward that thing. And don't you ever, ever, ever say you're too old. Don't you dare let your friends Mel Robbins catch you saying that. I want to remind you, I started this podcast when I was 54 years old, and I had two kids that had left the nest. And so if I can do it, you can start something new, too.

So flap those wings. Because really stepping into that purpose, grabbing that spoon, spreading those wings, and starting to shovel that snow in a new direction, it's going to improve your life. It will fill things up. So if you know Go. However, I'm seeing there are a lot of you who do not know what to fill that empty space up with. And not knowing just leaves you more paralyzed. I've got But a couple of specific things that I want you to do if you have no clue what direction to head in. You're standing at the edge of the nest, you got your wings out, you're like, What direction do I fly? Get me out of here. I got to do something. Here's Number one, ask your kids. The next time they call home, say, Hey, buddy, I got a question for you. If you got to choose what I were to focus the next five years of my life, dedicate my life to, what would you recommend I do? You know me better than anyone else. And by the way, if you're listening to me right now and you have a parent who hasn't figured this out, whether they just dropped you off at college or they just got a divorce, will you send them this episode, please?

I know they send you episodes of this podcast all the time. This is one of those that you can return the favor and say, See, here you go, Mom or Dad, you need to listen to this. And you can also tell them, I think you really should go back to school, Mom. I think you really should do your art, Mom. I'm mad. I think you really should hike the Appalachian Trail. Whatever it is that's in your heart, tell them. Give them permission. Second, there's a full proof way that you can figure out a sense of direction if you have no idea what your purpose is. Simply focus on improving yourself. If at any moment in your life, you don't know what direction to head in, turn inward. Your purpose is you. All those things you've never had time for: taking care of yourself, Walking every day, getting in better shape, being kinder to yourself, locking in a great morning routine, listening to podcasts, reading a book a month, getting the kitten you've always wanted. If you wanted a cat, I don't know what you want. I'm just making things up here. Absolutely anything. Absolutely anything that helps you be a better you, that is the most important purpose you could ever have in life.

Because over and over and over again, what I've discovered is that when I make bettering myself, my purpose, I always bump into something bigger than me. And that brings me to the third thing that you can do if you feel a sense of lack of purpose. Go volunteer. Go volunteer. If you can't be of service to yourself, be of service to someone else. My husband is a death doula, and he volunteers for hospice, and I'll tell you something. Sitting with someone at the end of their life will certainly wake you up and make you see you have not died, and it is time to stop like you have. Helping someone else will give you a sense of purpose immediately, and it will also help you have a much bigger perspective about what you have in your life, not what you've lost, what you have gained, what is available to you in your life outside of just that role of being a parent. That brings me to the second challenge that's super common in this major life transition, and that is that when the kids leave, the relationship issues that you've ignored are suddenly right in your face.

And so I'm going to address both relationship issues when you're single and relationship issues in your marriage that bubble up once the kids leave. First, let Let's cover what happens when the empty nest reveals rotten eggs. And I'm not talking about your spouse's farts. I'm talking about your relationship. Something stinks about it. And the problem is, you and your spouse have kicked this down the field. These are the conversations you've been avoiding. The issues that you knew you needed to deal with have been swept under the rug, and now you're tripping over them. You stuck it out, but now that everybody's gone, there's no running from them. What you've avoided is staring at you in in their face, and they're usually wearing a really ugly pair of sweat pants when they're doing it. You know what I'm talking about? Because the things that you ignore always become the battles you have to fight later, and the day has come. But I'm here to tell you, you're going to win. It is so It's common to have this, Oh, my God, moment when the kids leave because you haven't been in a marriage, you've been in a thruple, or a quadruple, or a quintuplet, because you and your spouse have always had these kids running around and in between and all over the place and distracting you.

Now that it's just the two of you, you get to decide whether or not you're going to approach any challenges like an amazing opportunity or a deal breaker. The question is, what do you do if your relationship feels like roommates? Or you realize there are some big issues here we've avoided all along, or maybe you're realizing, I don't even like this person. I'm not sure I want to be married anymore. These are all really good questions. In order to get to the right answer for you, I want to start with a simple truth. People only change when they feel like changing. The single best thing that you can do right now is realize you are not going to change your spouse, period. Only your spouse can do that for themselves. The only thing that you can control is what you decide to change about yourself, how you show up, what you want to work on, because a healthy relationship requires two things to be present. It requires two people who want it to work and two people who are both willing to put in the work to make it work. There is no doubt in my mind that if you and your partner want to work on it, and you're both willing to do the work, you can make your relationship amazing.

That's what my husband and I are doing. I am not leaving this to chance. I called in the heavies. We went to see a couples therapist, and it's really helped because even though our relationship was good, we lost part of our connection because of the demands of parenting. I think it happens to everyone. I heard this thing recently that was so amazing. I heard somebody say, I'm on my second marriage. It's just with the same person. Isn't that cool? To think that you could create a second marriage with the same person? I freaking love that. And here's the thing, though. If they're not willing to put in the work, then you got to get on illness with yourself because you should assume they're never going to change. But I didn't say you couldn't change. See, when you invest in yourself, you can become a happier you. Do not focus on your spouse being happier. They are not the source of your happiness, especially if they're not willing to do the work to get better. The fastest way to make your relationship happier is to make yourself happier within your own life. When you do that, life has a funny way of sorting out the relationship.

Because now that you're happy, your relationship does not have to be the sole source of your happiness. Another thing happens when you're happier. You raise your standards for what you accept and allow in your life. Now let's talk about being single and how How that deafening silence that happens during this transition will become magnified if you're already feeling lonely. And you have to take this very seriously because you cannot expect friendship to just fall out of the sky. You cannot expect a relationship to just land in your lap. You have to take responsibility for creating it. You have to take responsibility for creating your social life and your love life. And isolating yourself right now, it is only going to magnify the loneliness you feel. And if you think change is hard now, it's going to be way harder in two months when you're sitting in your house alone and your son or daughter is no longer calling or texting you because they leaned into their life when you didn't. And as your friend, I'm not going to water down what I need to say to you. Everyone is struggling with adult friendship. You got to stop feeling sorry for yourself, and you got to get to work.

You have to take this seriously because friendship matters, and you deserve amazing friends. In fact, I have done a ton of episodes on Adult Friendships because I've struggled with this topic recently in my own life. And the episodes, they're all going to be linked in the resources. And as soon as you are done listening to this episode, you better gitty up down to those resources and clicky-click on those links, and queue up all those episodes, and listen to them, and then make a plan. Follow the advice to a T, because while your child is off making new friends, and going to parties, and watching games, and learning, and having all these new experiences, so shall you. But only if you force yourself to. Which brings me to that rule I shared earlier, get out of your house once a day. Do not allow yourself to learn a pattern of becoming a It. And I'm also going to tell you that my next book comes out. It's called The Let Them Theory on January 1. And you better have that puppy in your hands because there's an entire section about using the Let Them Theory to create the best friendships of your life.

I wrote it for you. The bottom line is, the best chapter of your life is beginning right now. Yes, the first 30 days are going to be a little rocky. You're going to get through it. But the most amazing people in your life, they're ahead of you. They're not behind you. You haven't met them yet, and you're going to meet them after your kids leave. And isn't that exciting to think about? And you want to know what's even more exciting? The best years of your love life happen after your kids leave. And that brings me to the third challenge that can make this transition in life harder. What do you do when your kids are really struggling with this? You're doing the work. You're filling up your calendar. You're flying out of the nest and down to your new exercise class. You're prioritizing yourself. You're making new friends. That little spoon has become a shovel. You are plowing for it in a healthy way. You wake up one day, you're like, Holy cow, I'm actually enjoying this. But your child is not. They're calling home all the time. They're homesick. They want to transfer. And by the way, this doesn't just happen to freshmen.

Every major change that your child goes through, they're going to struggle with it. In our household, for example, sophomore year was the disastrous year for one of our kids. For another one of our kids, it was junior year of college that blew. And don't even get me started about how difficult the transition is once they graduate and they have to enter the real world. But the question is, how do you handle an adult child who is using you as a human life raft to keep them afloat while the waters of their life feel rocky? When a kid struggles with this transition, it sounds exactly the same. I hate it here. Everybody has friends. I haven't found my people. Nobody likes me. Everybody's already clicked up and grouped up. This isn't my place. I'm not having... I miss you all the time. I I keep being alone in my room. I really want to transfer. This is not the place for me. I guarantee you, if these words are coming out of their mouth, if the tears are falling down their cheeks, I want to tell you what they're doing when they're not crying with you on the phone.

They're spending a lot of time in their dorm room alone and a lot of time on their phone looking at what their high school friends are doing. If you're the person who gets sucked into this, you're in deep trouble, and so are they. Because it's one thing to support someone as they're finding their wings and learning to fly. It's another thing to leap out of your nest and try to grab them in midair and lift them up with your own wings. Some little birds need to hit the ground in order to take flight. It's that struggle and going through it. That's what they need. It's learning how to face a challenging situation and become stronger than the things that you fear in your head. Remember I said I know that the hardest thing about change is that you have to go through it. It is a difficult experience in life to watch someone struggle through the process of change because you can't do it for them. But maybe your child needs to cry it out for a week or a month and be alone in their dorm room until they realize they're sick of being sad, and they finally hit the bottom of that curve, and they head out and up and into the quad.

You know they can do this? Renowned Harvard psychiatrist Dr. Wauwdinger said to me, Do not shield the people you love from the consequences of what they choose. They chose to go to college. You didn't force them there. You didn't drag them there and shackling them to their dorm bed. They wanted to go. The problem is you care so much that you then try to solve their problems. Here's the big picture reason why this is a problem. Every time you do that, you're training them to expect you to rescue them. I'm going to give you a really subtle example of how this is playing out in my own life right now and how I'm trying to remind myself that rescuing is not what I'm supposed to do. I'm supposed to support them in their own problem solving. When Oak was about to head off to school, there were all these immunization forms that we needed to find. It was this whole song and dance. We finally got the email from his doc, and we emailed them to him. I guess it's a big deal because he needs to get them submitted for his meal plan. I don't know what's going on.

He calls Chris, he calls me, he calls Chris, he calls me. I finally get on the phone with him, and he's like, I don't know what to do with these immunization forms. The old me, you know what I would have done? I'll tell you what, I would have spread those wings. I would have flapped right to the phone. I would have been busy trying to do it. I would have handled it. I would have spent hours tracking I found the right person. Then I would have tried to log on to some portal that I didn't have access to in order to be in there. But you know what I did instead? I stayed in the nest, and I said, Well, what do you think you should do? That's a question you should ask your kid all the time. The next time they call you crying, the next time they call to complain or unload, listen for a little bit, and they'll be like, What do you think you should do? All your friends from high school are having way more fun than you are. What do you think you should do? You think you're at the wrong school?

What do you think you should do? You don't have any friends? What do you think you should do? They know what they should do. They just don't want to do it. I asked Oakley, What do you think you should do? I don't know. I said, Well, who sent you the immunization forms? My doctor. Great. Are there doctors on campus, say, at the Student Health Center? Yes. Do you think maybe you could walk there and show them the email of the immunization forms and ask for help? Yeah. I said, That's a great idea. If you run into any problems, let us know. I didn't solve it. I supported him in solving it for himself. Big difference. Because imagine if I had said, No problem, Oak, I got it. Then I spent all these hours figuring it out for him. Guess what happens the next time he has something that he's not quite sure what he should do. Let's say he decides he doesn't want to be a business major. Instead of asking himself, What should I do? Instead of him answering it for himself, Maybe I should go into the dean of students. Maybe I should walk into the in our office.

If I keep solving his problems, he's going to call me. That's going to be the answer to everything. One of the things to keep in mind is that you're training your child to think for themselves. You're training them to do the hard things and to face their fears so that they can learn, they can rely on themselves instead of constantly checking in with you. I know I'm not the only one dealing with this topic of now transitioning to an empty nest. And can I just start by saying, I freaking hate that term empty nester. It makes you focused on the nest when you should be focused on your wings. And what I'm seeing a lot of in the inbox at Melrobbins. Com.