Transcript of If You're Struggling with Low Self-Esteem, Watch This! | Mel Robbins

I want you to imagine Mel Robbins is giving you a lifetime achievement award. What do you want to thank your sofa? What have you pushed through? Thank your sofa that. What are the things you're chipping away at? Don't you dare forget the one person that knows exactly how hard it was for you to keep showing up. And that's what I want you to learn how to do today with me. You are the only one who knows what it's like to go through what you had to go through. And thanking your sofa everything that you do. That is an example of speaking your truth. You have power. Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast. I have been dying to talk to you. So let me back up and tell you what happened. A couple of days ago, I saw something, and ever since, I have been bursting at the seams to tell you about it. I have been holding this in until I could get up here above the garage in Vermont, get on this microphone, get in front of the camera, and share this with you. Because today, what I want to talk about, it's going to unlock this power that is lying dormant inside you, and Yes, you heard me right, you do have power.

Even if you're sitting there right now eating cheese curls on the couch, or you're feeling too lazy to get up and do anything today, or you're out there walking the dog, or maybe you're driving home from a job you hate, I don't care where you're listening to this. You have power. And I'm so excited because I saw something that motivated me, that lit a fire inside me, and it's going to help me show you how to tap into that power, and yes, unlock it today, and you need to. But before we jump in, I just want to say thank you. Thank you for being here with me, and thank you for spending your time listening, or maybe you're watching this on YouTube But thank you for spending your time listening or watching something that can change your life. But before we get into this crazy motivational message, I have to ask you something. I love being here with you. Please subscribe. Please subscribe. My goal is to get 50% of the people that watch this channel to subscribe why it really helps our channel, and it helps me. It allows me to bring you these incredible videos at zero cost.

So hit subscribe. Thank you, thank you, thank you. All right, you ready? I I cannot wait to tell you this. Let's go to the episode. All right. Are you ready? Okay, good, because you and I are cooking up something pretty hot today. The topic is something that I knew the second I saw this thing go viral this weekend. You and I were in the middle of award seasons, right? For movies and for movies and for films, and I saw the most incredible acceptance speech. It went crazy viral. You maybe saw it, too. It was this acceptance speech that was delivered by actor Nisi Nisi Nash-Betz. Now, if you don't know Nisi, don't worry, I'm going to tell you a little bit about her. She is an amazing actor. She's 53 years old, so just two years younger than me, and she's been in the acting game for decades. I want to put this acceptance speech in context because Nisi has been nominated five times for a primetime Emmy, and she's never won, which means she has lost four times. If you're hearing my voice right now, I guarantee you, at some point in your life, you have experienced a string of losses.

Maybe you've gone through four relationships in a row that all ended up in a breakup, or maybe you've had four different career changes, or you've You have four different medications, or you've been passed over at work for at least four different types of jobs or promotions, or maybe you've been searching for a house, and you have been turned down four different times. I say that because I want to put what you're about to hear in context. I want you to think about what it must feel like to be Nisi. Here you are, you're an actor. This is your dream. You're 53 years old. You have been working at your craft day in and day out, and you get nominated for awards. In fact, you get nominated for the Primetime Emmies four times. And four times, you show up, you sit on national television, They got a camera pointed right at your face. You're all dressed up. You're sitting there in the audience. There's all these other actors around. And four times in a row, they announced someone else's name as the winner. Whoa. Now look, I know you're supposed to be grateful that you're even nominated, right?

But can we just be honest among friends here? It freaking sucks to lose. That is not an easy position to be in, right? Because here you are, you're now at the fifth award ceremony. And if I'm Nisi and I'm sitting there dressed up to the nines, I will be thinking, because I want to manage my disappointment, I'm sitting in the audience and I'm thinking, Then don't get your hopes up. Just put that expression on your face. Lock in the smile because you know that this is not going to happen. You've experienced this four times where someone else's name is called. In today's world, I do not want my facial reaction to become some a meme when I'm all disappointed. Then all of a sudden, boom, they announced her name. She wins the Primetime Emmy for Outstanding Support actress for the Series dommer. Here's why I wanted to talk about this, because when Nisi stepped up to that, Mike, she was like a heat-seeking missile of motivation. I want you to hear it. I am going to take you through parts of her and speech step by step, because there is something here for you and me to learn as we listen.

I'm a winner, baby.

Thank you to the most high for this divine moment. Thank you, Ryan Murphy, for seeing me. Netflix, every single person who voted for me. Thank you, my better half who picked me up when I was gutded from this work. Thank That last sentence is takeaway number one.

No one tells you that pursuing the things that you love, pursuing the things that you want to do, pursuing the changes you want to make, there will be days that it guts you. It's true. Do not expect your life to be a cakewalk, and do not expect those changes or the ambitions that you have to be easy or to be fun, because here's what I've learned, and I've learned this the hard way. Nothing Everything in life that is worth doing is a walk in the park. In fact, it's the opposite. The higher the stakes, the bigger the battle. It's important to understand who you're up against, who you're battling. Because you want to know who you're not battling? You're not battling other actors. You're not battling other people in your company. You're not battling your friends or anyone in your industry. You are in a battle with yourself. Because here you have all these hopes and dreams and these expectations and these ambitions, and that's the future you. That's the future you that sees what's possible. And yet every single day, you have to drag yourself out of bed. You got to do the work.

Then you got to come home. You got to feed the dogs. You got to wash the dishes. You got to pay the bills. And some days, Some days turn out pretty amazing, don't they? But a lot of days, they just suck. Some days, you're going to be gutded. If you're fighting that battle right now and you're working on making changes, or you're going after something or you're chasing down those ambitions, and let me tell you something, you probably are because you listen to the Mel Robbins podcast. I want you to hear this loud and clear. Expect it to suck. Expect it to be a battle. Expect days where you feel gutded at the end of the day because it is harder than you could possibly imagine. Then you got to do the hard part. You got to get up tomorrow morning and do it again. We don't talk about this part enough that when the work is worth doing to you, it's hard. Whether the work for you is you're trying to get in better shape, or maybe you're trying to get some aspect of your health under control, or you're trying to write a book, or maybe you are a working actor, or perhaps you want to go back to school and get a degree.

I need you to understand, except from the beginning, this is not going to be cakewalk. Expect a battle. I'm going to talk more about that battle in a minute, but I want to go back to her acceptance speech because she was just getting started.

You know who I want to thank? I I want to thank me for believing in me and doing what they said I could not do. I want to say to myself in front of all you beautiful people, go on, girl, with your bad self. You did that.

I love that. Go on, girl, with your bad self. You did that. You know what else Nisi just did? Nisi just gave you a master class in self esteem. What is self-esteem? Self-esteem is how you value and perceive yourself. Being able to thank your sofa doing the work, being able to thank your sofa believing in your sofa doing what people said you would not be able to do. That's self-esteem. You and I need to know how to do that for ourselves. Self-esteem is critical because when you value yourself, you not only prop yourself up, but you also pave the way for other people to feel valued, too. You lead by example. Nisi gives a beautiful nod to that at the end of her acceptance speech.

I accept this award on behalf of every Black and Brown woman who has gone unheard, yet overpoliced, like Glenda Cleveland, like Sandra Bland, like Breonna Taylor. As an artist, my job is to speak truth to power, and baby, I'm going to do it to the day I die.

I love that part so much where she says, As an artist, my job is to speak truth to power. Now, here's what I want you to consider. It's not just the job of an artist to speak truth to power. It is the job of each and every one of us to speak our truth. Because it's only through speaking your truth that you unlock your power and thanking your sofa everything that you do. Thanking yourself. That is an example of speaking your truth. Thanking your sofa fighting the battles that you fight, for picking yourself up when you feel gutted, for opening your mouth and saying what needs to be said. That is exactly how that power that's inside you, you know it's in there. That's how that power gets unleashed. One of the big takeaways for me in really experiencing the force that she was in that moment, you can feel it coming through that microphone, right? Is just notice how powerful it is to hear someone thank themselves. I mean, you don't hear that, do you? You don't ever hear somebody say that. You're so quick to give the thanks to everybody else, to give all the credit away.

Yeah, You should thank people that help you. But don't you dare forget the one person that knows exactly how hard it was for you to keep showing up. That's what I want you to learn how to do today with me. You need to learn to thank yourself in the moments when you're winning, and you got to learn how to thank yourself in the moments where you feel gutted. Now, here's what's interesting. The second niece he stepped off the stage, everyone was so blown away by her force and her presence and her passion and her words on stage that almost immediately she was asked by an interviewer, Nisi, why was it so important for you to take that moment? Well, I'll tell you what. If you thought that moment she shared on stage was powerful, you better stick around because it was nothing compared to what she said next. Stay with me. You know who I want to thank?

I want to thank me.

That was Nisi Nash-Betz Nassbets, an actor accepting the Primetime Emmy Award for Best Supporting Actress. I'm Mel Robbins. I'm so glad that you're here with me today because we are talking about the importance of self-esteem. As far as I'm concerned, Nancy Nash-Betz just gave a master class in it in her acceptance speech, and I'm unpacking the lessons step by step. We've already talked about what she said on stage, but what I find more interesting is that when she got off stage and somebody put a microphone in front of her and said, During your acceptance speech, you thanked yourself, you gave yourself the recognition you deserve, which is something that women, especially Black women, can struggle to do. Why is it important for you to take that moment? I really want you to pay attention to what she said.

I'm the only one who knows what it cost me. I'm the only one who knows how many nights I cried because I couldn't be seen for a certain type a roll. I'm the one who knows what it's like to go through divorce on camera and still have to pull up and show out, and you still got to go home. You had children in a whole life.

Now, if you're watching on YouTube, you can see me nodding right now, but I guarantee as you're hearing my words and you're listening with me right now, you are nodding along. I'm the only one who knows what it cost me. I'm the only one who knows what it's like to go through what I had to go through, to be here in this moment. And you are the only one who knows what it's like to be you. You are the only one who knows what it's like to go through what you had to go through for you to be here with me in this very moment. It's so easy to forget that people only see what you're doing on the outside. Nobody but you knows the battle that you've been fighting on the inside, how often you feel defeated, how you struggle to believe in yourself, or the problems and the challenges that you have in your personal life. And yet when you walk out the door, you slap a smile on your face, carry it all on the inside. I mean, heck, just think about how challenging it can be some days to just get through the day, especially for we women.

I mean, we're the ones that are usually taking care of and the kids and the dogs and the aging parents and the to-do list and the grocery shopping and the cooking and trying to do it all at work and trying to do it all at home and got to put a smile on your face. I mean, it's exhausting. So today, let's talk about self-esteem. Let's talk about how you value yourself. And here's how we're going to do it. I'm going to ask you to stop and not I don't think about the credit that you deserve, but I'm going to ask you to give yourself some credit. I want you to think about yourself. I mean, just how far you've come, how hard you've worked, all the things that you deserve to feel proud of. I bet there are things that you've been dealing with or that you've overcome or that you're currently living through right now that most people in your life don't have a clue about. That's the truth. So let's take a moment and listen to what Nisi says next, because thanking yourself is speaking the truth. It is a form of power.

Being proud of yourself that, especially if you haven't won yet, just being proud of yourself that you're still trying. Being proud for simply taking the time to even listen to this conversation right now because you know it's going to help you feel better. That's the truth I'm talking about. So I want you to hear a few other things that she said because I believe it will strike a chord with you two.

I'm proud that I did something that people said I could not do because I believed in me. Believe in yourself and congratulate yourself.

Sometimes you got to encourage what?

Yourself. And that's why it's not called mama esteem, them esteem, us esteem. It's called self esteem because nobody got to believe it but you.

I am just smiling ear to ear. It's not called them esteem or us esteem. It's called self esteem because nobody has to believe it but you. How about you and I take a minute right now? How about we do a little acceptance speech together? I'm dead serious about this. I know I have crazy ideas, but you've come to expect that from your friend Mel. As you're walking the dog right now or you're listening to me in the car, or maybe you're playing at home on YouTube in the background? Just stop for a second and indulge your friend Mel Robbins. I want you to imagine that I am handing you an award right now. What's the award for? Mel Robbins is giving you a lifetime achievement award. What do you want to thank your sofa? What is it that you got yourself through? Whatever it is that nobody knows that you dealt with, I'm going to tell you something, you are here. You're still chipping away at it. You are still working hard to create something better for yourself. And in my mind, that means you deserve a Lifetime Achievement Award every damn day. So thank yourself.

I deserve I'm done, too. And so I'll go first, okay? And I hope that what I say inspires you to think about what you need to thank your sofa. So I want to thank myself. Thank you, Mel. Thank you for doing the work to become a better person. For you listening to me right now, you have no clue how freaking toxic I used to be. I'm talking lying, cheating, people-pleasing. I was crazy jealous, insecure. So I want to thank myself, Mel Robbins, I want to thank you for living with that crap for 40 years, for tolerating that shit day in and day out, for living with that self-hatred. You know what? While you were living with that self-hatred woman, nobody knew on the outside, but you sure did. Then I want to thank myself for getting sick and tired of all the lying and cheating and people-pleasing and jealousy and insecurity. And I want to thank myself for deciding, You got to be different. I want to thank myself for how at the lowest points in my life, when I didn't want to get out of bed or face the stack of bills or deal with unemployment or how much I freaking hated my husband, that I actually dragged myself out of I did that.

There was no cheering squad. There was no marching band. I want to thank myself for getting into therapy. I did that. Nobody told me to go. Nobody paid for it. I decided I wanted to be better, and I did something about it. Thank you, Mel Robbins, for taking care of yourself. And you know what else? While we're on it, I want to thank myself for moving to a state in the middle of freaking nowhere when I didn't want to. You know why I did that? I did that because I'm a great mom. I did it for my son. I did it for my husband. I didn't do that for myself. It sucked for about two years. It sucked. And I'm going to tell you, it was so hard to leave my old life behind. But I kept showing up every day, not knowing how it would turn out. I'm proud of myself. I did that. I got to say, it feels really good to make yourself like that. So now it's your turn. Seriously, what do you want to thank your sofa? What have you pushed through? Thank your sofa that. What are the things you're chipping away at where nobody sees you and the progress that you're slowly making.

Thank your sofa that. Thank your sofa the work that you do to heal. Thank your sofa the time that you take for your hobbies and to see your friends. And thank your sofa taking the time to be here with me right now. I mean, you made a decision to listen to this, and I'd like to think it's because you like hanging out with me and because you know when you listen, it helps you improve your life. Thank you. I mean, you could have been sitting on the couch, zoned out, playing video games, smoking a joint, scrolling social media, but you're not doing that. So thank yourself. Seriously. Go ahead. Doesn't it feel good? It's true, isn't it? You deserve to be thanked. It feels powerful to acknowledge yourself. I also want you to do this because it creates a ripple effect. I mean, look at me, she's inspiring me, and it's so easy to call out what everybody else is doing and point out their small wins, but the fact is, we all need to know how to do this. Because when you start to thank yourself and claim a win, even on those days when it looks like you're losing or you feel gutded, it's powerful.

I want to give you a simple example of just how easy this is and how you need to make this part of your daily life. We have this family group chat. It's Chris and me and our three adult kids. Just before I was about to get on the microphone to talk to you. The chat pings, and Oakley, our son, has texted in the family chat. Let me give you a little bit of background. Oakley is on his ski team for his public high school here in Vermont. We always joke because his peers elected him captain of the ski team, which is funny because he's the worst skier on the team. I know nothing about ski racing, but what I've come to learn is that when you are the worst person on the team, you go last at every single race. Going last at a ski race, it's like the hardest thing on the planet to do, because by the time you go, a hundred racers have already gone down the exact same course, which means they have carved the mountain into a solid ice looge run that you are now going to go down last as everybody's watching.

Here he is. He's been at this big regional ski race with all the public high school teams in the state. He's competing against all these other kids. We were waiting to hear how it went, and all of a sudden this text pops up. This is what he said. They set me up as the last skier. I got a DNF, which means did not finish. He went down the ice looge last, did not even finish. This is what he text next. But it meant I was skiing really hard. In the video they recorded, it looked like I was pretty good. Good. So I'm happy. That's a win for me. I love that line. That's a win for me. Now see, most of us, let's admit, you and I, if we were the last on the ski team and we did not even finish the race. We turned a gate and just completely went in the wrong direction. You and I would not say that's a win for me. We would count that as a loss. This is the power of telling the truth. This is the power of acknowledging yourself.

I I have to tell you something. I've been in the self-help world for a long time. I got to say, your book triggered me in the beginning, and it gave me all of the feels and ways that I was not expecting. Do you mind if I reveal to you what I discovered from this process?

Yes. Wait, are you saying that you started to read The High-Five Habit and you got triggered?

Oh, no. The title alone gave me all of the feels. Why? So here's the thing. I'm not a high-fiver. And not only am I not a high fiver, but as an adult, I usually decline if somebody wants to high five. I know.

Are you a germaphobe?

No, it goes so much deeper than this. So I grew up in a very athletic community. And as a gay, 6'6, overweight kid, my memory of high fives is hearing things like, Dugas doesn't get a high five because he didn't do anything, and being left out. So when I started reading the book, at first I thought, why do I have such a challenge with high fives. Even on the Peloton, if people high five you, not a sponsor, but they could be if they want to. If people high five you, I will ignore it. I started the book and I really wanted to merge into it. What came up for me in the beginning is this past memory of, I don't belong here. I'm not a part of the team. I'm not allowed to do this. I'm really enjoying the book. I was going to race through it before the interview, but I want to savor it because it's been bringing up a lot for me. And so in the moment where I'm in the morning and I even resisted doing it before coffee, I had a lot of resistance, Mel. You were triggering me. And I got still and I took the challenge, And the first thing that I noticed is you cannot not smile.

I immediately smile and it immediately makes me feel good. And by day three or day four, I'm going to get emotional. By day three or day four, what came up for me was I'm in this in this game. And it may not be a lacrosse game, and I'm not going to cry. And it may not be a soccer game, but I'm a 44-year-old man now. I'm in this game and we can celebrate ourselves. Who knew?

Who knew? It's been a wildly confronting process to not only discover this thing called the high five habit, but to unpack all of the science and research that explains explains, A, why we resist it, B, why it's hard not to smile or cry or laugh when you do it, and C, why it has such a profound impact on people. And what I'll say is, number one, you're the first person that I've talked to that has brought up a negative memory around high fives. And so I'm absolutely thrilled to talk to about it. And given that you have this negative association with a high five based on your lived experience, and you still push through the resistance, and you also were able to feel the impact of it proves even further to me why this is such a profound habit. And the reason why is because it works from the inside out. Yes. And even though those baskets teased you and bullied you and left you out of receiving a high five, and so your lived experience in association when you thought about it, whereas negative The fact is that your brain's neural association and your nervous system's programmed association with a high five was still profoundly positive.

Oh, 100 %. Yeah. And I have to own my own. What I realized as I'm going through this process is I think I've perhaps even designed situations where I've either mentally left myself out or designed it so that I feel left out because I thought, now, why would I reject a high five? Because I celebrate it when I see other people doing it. But I still think there's that shadow side, inner child thing of it feels like someone's handing me a lacros stick at first. And I don't play the cross. But now it's like, no. And I consider myself someone that wants to uplift other people and give energy to other people. And obviously, it goes deeper into just the high five in the morning. It's about self care and congratulating yourself And that's a struggle for me. So it was really interesting to give myself permission to do it.

It goes even deeper because it's actually about self-worth and about self-love. And I want to unpack something that you just talked about, which is, as you've been reflecting on the fact that it's not really just about this represents what people who play lacrosse do. This actually represents something deeper because it represents acceptance, it represents support, it represents celebration. And it doesn't surprise me, given the amount of bullying and badgering and crap that you have had to take as a 6'6 overweight kid who is also gay, proudly gay, but you grew up in a time where it was not celebrated by your peers and not something that was the norm. And so I want to acknowledge that when you are somebody whose very existence is bullied and who feels like he doesn't belong because the laws say that you don't or because the kids treat you differently. You develop protection mechanisms. Yes. And one of the biggest ones is to just pull yourself out and to be in the corner and to hide who you are because it's safer. That way you don't get bullied. That way you don't get badgered. And so, first of all, you get a gold star.

Secondly, the high five in that lane, when you're somebody who is coming into and back to yourself, right? And when you're somebody who now realizes that you deserve to be fully seen for who you are. When you start to high five yourself, what happens is it's not like a, fuck you. That's not what the high five habit is, actually. It's actually grounded in compassion and empathy and support of self. And so the reason why you smile when you did it is because your brain doesn't know the difference between watching somebody else high five someone else or receiving a high five or giving a high five to someone else and you high fiving yourself. To your brain, the physical action becomes the trigger anger that unlocks all of this lifetime neural association with the high five. Now, you cognitively were like, screw the high five. That's for dickhead lacros players and those-Right.

Wouldn't even give myself a chance at first.

Get it. Yeah. But your brain still recognizes this as that gesture that people that like each other do to one another. So when you physically raise your hand to high five yourself, you can't think anything negative because your brain grabs all the programming that's already in your subconscious and then starts to marry it with your own reflection. So I'm not surprised that you're starting to have breakthroughs around I'm, wow, I've really taken myself out in certain areas of my life. Wow, I'm so hard on myself. Wow, why is it so hard to stand in front of the mirror and actually raise my hand in celebration? And we can unpack that, too. And I went into I went into it kicking and screaming because I teach...

I also am a big believer in the way you start your day, start your energy. And one of the things you say is even before your cup of coffee, which triggered me, Mel, this triggered me.

Why did it trigger you?

Well, coffee fuels my soul. But what I discovered was that even the act of pouring a cup of coffee is taking me away from myself first. I'm going to the kitchen, the dog is there. I'm having a conversation with my husband. So making it a priority to go to the bathroom first, to just be with myself and sleep gunk and all the stuff in my eyes and all of that before the coffee, before any stimulant of noise or any energy outside of my own being, I resisted it.

We're talking about what? Let me tell you why. Tell me. Discept me. Okay. So I love that you just said that you're a huge proponent of the morning, and morning and morning routines and setting yourself up for success and your energy in the morning. And you are right. All the research shows that your mood in the morning and your intention in the morning actually impacts productivity and focus and fulfillment all day long. So you're absolutely right. And I'm so happy you said this because there's not a single person on the planet that I know of that is talking about the fact that everybody's morning routine contains a disgusting, destructive habit, and nobody has kicked the door wide open until right now.

What is it?

Let me tell you what the habit is. Before you read my book, when you walked into the bathroom and you were brushing your teeth, did you even look at yourself in the mirror?

I did, but not kindly.

Okay. I'm glad that you're being honest. Yeah. When you looked in the mirror, what did you think or what did you focus on?

I struggle with body dysmorphic disorder. My audience knows this. I write about it and speak about it openly. So there is a moment of distortion, which I could relate to you talking about this in the book, too, where first I'm criticizing my body. And not only am I criticizing my body, but I'm thinking of what's going to make me feel good. Coffee gives me my coffee dance is what I call it. I get excited. I get motivated. I I certainly meditate, but the visual... Meditating is closing my eyes and not looking at myself. The visual of looking at myself, if I'm going to be completely honest, was more triggering than I expected it to be.

Okay. Well, I want to give you a sense that you're not alone in this. So when I discovered the high five habit during a very low moment in my life in April of 2020, and it just was something I did on a low morning like you, where I'm standing in front of the mirror and I'm focused on everything I hate about the way that I look, and I'm beating myself up, and I'm thinking about my day, and I'm already criticizing the fact that I'm running late, and I didn't do this, and I I can do that. And I just raise my hand and give the woman in the mirror that I see a high five because she looks like she needed it. She looks like life had beaten her down. She looked overwhelmed and exhausted. And I honestly just didn't I have any words to say, and I probably wouldn't have believed them anyway, because in April of 2020, my whole life was turned upside down. And so I didn't feel energized. I didn't feel empowered. I felt defeated. I felt lost. I felt overwhelmed. And I think we can all relate to that feeling.

And so that's how it all began. And as it started to work, and I noticed, you're noticing, whoa, I feel more energized. Whoa. I'm not criticizing myself, Wow, something weird is happening. I then post a photo online, and within an hour, more than 100 people around the world had posted a photo of them high-fiving themselves in the mirror. And I didn't even put instructions.

Right. They're just mimicking what you did.

Mimicking. And I thought, okay, there's something here. So I spent the last year researching this. Yeah.

I love when you nerd out. Tell us the nerdy part of why it works. I love this stuff.

Well, let me first tell you that you're not alone in the mirror. So the discussion It's a disgusting habit that every single human being, I don't care who you are, where you live, what your education is, how much money you have, everybody has this habit. It is a habit of self-rejection. 50% of people cannot even look at themselves in the mirror. That's men and women. 50% because they are disgusted by what they see or they are sad about where they're at. 50 % based on our research. That's number one. Now, we know that 91 % of women do not like how they look. And so if you can look at yourself in the mirror, you're in the minority. And if you do look at yourself in the mirror, what we know based on research, is almost everybody focuses on what they don't like. And so, A, if you can't even look at yourself, that is rejection of self, and it's a habit. And if you look in the mirror and you see all the things that you hate or need to fix, that is also a habit of self-rejection. And everybody has it, and nobody's talking about it.

And what the high five habit actually does at its deepest level is it teaches you using simple science to break the habit of self-rejection and to replace it with a habit of self-acceptance, self-validation, and when you repeat this over time, a habit of self-love and self-worth. And so here's why this feels weird. The reason why high-fiving yourself in the mirror feels weird is that you are breaking that habit of self-rejection. And whenever you are practicing any new habit, it always feels weird. That's how you know it's working. If I I lost my right-hand today in a car accident and I had to write with my left hand, it would feel weird. And it feels weird, not necessarily because it's new. It feels weird because the habit is now requiring me to plow new connections in my brain that aren't there right now. If your brain is currently wired to reject yourself, to go, when you see yourself in the mirror, it's going to feel weird to look at your sofa a second and then practice an action that says, acceptance, belief, and love. That's why it feels weird. And so the reason why you resist it, too, is because there's this other habit that we have of judgment.

And in the bathroom every morning, I want you to consider you're actually not standing before your reflection. I want you to consider that you are in in the bathroom with another person. That's a human being in the mirror. And that human being is trying very hard, and they are beaten down by your constant criticism and your hatred and your critiquing and your focusing on what's going wrong. And they need you to wake up, and they need you to start to see them and to cheer for them and to support them. They need that from you.

This is where the words that were floating through my mind are, is you are in this game. And if I may say, as it was building, not only am I in this game, but I'm killing it. Not going to lie. I love my life. Things are going well. And why would I continue these old tapes? And what's interesting to me as a spiritual teacher, I'm also a teacher as well. I know. I love when you talk about your struggle because I I have a real issue with toxic positivity. And a lot of times in spiritual communities, I might say to colleagues or friends, I've been a little anxious lately, and I feel like everyone repels back. And it's like, oh, no, we can't have a negative thought right now. And I'm a human being. Yes, I connect with people. Yes, I love to get motivated. But it's been a hard year and a half. There's been a lot of energy on the planet. And I think sometimes when I'm in the stillness of my own being, those quiet moments moments early in the morning, looking in the mirror, I save some of that negativity, and maybe it festers a little bit versus talking about it through the day.

And so I love when you talk about your struggle. You're very, very honest about your relationship with that. And anxiety and stuff like that. And it's really refreshing and so necessary right now.

Well, I actually think the reason why you're negative is because it's just a habit. Yeah. I really think that you, like most of us, at some point, we go from these perfect, whole, complete beings that come into this world hardwired for celebration and self-love, confidence, and resilience. You never see a baby take a step back from a ear and go, God, my thighs are fat. It doesn't happen. And at some point, whether it's because of abuse and trauma and criticism in your home or what happens to absolutely everyone is when you enter school and the driving survival mechanism is to fit in somehow, your brain goes from a self-love machine into becoming that sorting hat from Harry Potter, where if you've ever... We can all remember back to that moment in elementary school where you've got your tray in the cafeteria and you're looking around for where you want to sit and your heart is pulling you towards the group that you want to go to. But the sorting hat brain who's just trying to protect you is like, you can't go over there, those little across kids. Oh, you can't go over there. You don't look like them.

Oh, you can't go over there because you don't have the same clothing or money or whatever. And your brain is just trying to keep you safe. But you start the habit of rejection of self from a very young age, and it's just become a pattern. That's all that it is. You're not broken if you criticize yourself. You have a pattern that is broken. How do you believe in yourself, especially in a moment like right now where the future is right in front of you and it is swirling with endings and with beginnings? That's always how I feel in the summer. Summer is supposed to be this awesome time where we relax, we dial it down. If you're lucky and you can get to the beach, that's fantastic or a pool. But when I'm at the beach, you know what I'm thinking about? My freaking future and the endings and the beginnings. Today, I want to throw how you believe in yourself in the middle of all these endings and beginnings. How do you believe in yourself when you haven't even started taking the actions? How do you believe in yourself when you don't know how this thing is going to turn out that you really want to do?

Well, my guest today, she's a super close friend of mine, and she is somebody you want to hear from right now. Who am I talking about? I'm talking about none other than Jamie Kerr and Lima. She's the founder of It Cosmetics, which she started in her living room, and she sold it to L'Oréal for a billion dollars. Here's the thing that I love about Jamie. Jamie is the queen of learning how to believe in yourself, because when she started It Cosmetics, she was not some influencer with daddy's money. No, no, no, no, no, It was that rosacea and that hard-working work ethic from being a Denny's waitress that made her create her own foundation. That was the beginning of this billion-dollar company that she created in her living room, It Cosmetics. I know you're going to love hearing from her, which is why I am so excited that you're here to talk to us about your journey. You are one of my favorite human beings of all time. I cannot thank you enough, Jamie, for being here as my friend and for being here as the professor on the topic of purpose and learning how to believe in yourself.

Ladies and gentlemen, let's give a big warm Mel Robbins podcast. Welcome to Jamie Kern Alma.

Mel, thank you. Thank you for having me. This is going to be fun and real and raw, and I can't wait. I hope it just adds so much value to everyone listening. So I'm grateful to be here.

Thank you. There's no question because you have those friends in your life that you don't see very often. But every time you do, it's like no time has disappeared, and you just have this twinkle on your skin because you just love being with this person. I love you so much, Jamie. I'm actually mad at you that you live so far away from me. So maybe we should just start right there. I love you.

Thank you. I feel the very same way. And one of the things I want to share, I know we're going to dive in deep on purpose. By the way, I love purpose professor. I'm like, Yeah, let's do it. Let's do it because it's one of our biggest life How do I find my purpose? But I just want to say Mel, something really important to me that I didn't want to leave here without saying, you can edit this out if you don't like it, but everybody listening needs to know this. You are one of the rare human beings that is the same, often there, behind the scenes, in your everyday life as you are in all the public things. You know what I mean? And you and I have both met so many celebrities and so many people with millions and millions of followers, and it's very rare they're the same. And one of the things I love so much about you is you are even more funny, even more intelligent, and brilliant, and kind, and raw, and real, in real life. So that congruency is like one in a billion. And I love you, and I'm just grateful to be here for you.

Wow. Okay.

Just that.

I think the episode is over now. Now, we got to go back in time because I think one of the reasons why I wanted to have you on is because the entire mission of this show is to empower and inspire you listening to us right now to create a better life, whatever that means for you, to take the simple steps that sometimes feel impossible to pursue your dreams, to improve your health, to create greater connections, to believe in yourself. And Jamie truly is not only the professor of purpose, but her life story is a demonstration in cultivating belief. Belief in your ideas, belief in your intuition, belief in God, belief that things will turn out. And so I want to go back in time because I've heard you on the stages that you speak around the world talk about how you started as a waitress in Denny's, and then from waitressing at Denny's, pursued a dream that you had of being on television. And as a fellow former waitress, I would love to start there.

Yeah, waitress at Denny's, full uniform, name tag to prove it.

I forgot they had uniforms.

Full uniform.

What was your favorite thing on the menu? Oh, gosh.

I love the pancakes. You know what? Just like, simple. It's so funny how our steps are ordered, I think, in life. And so often, I remember being a waitress at Denny's. I remember feeling and Maybe someone listening to us can relate to this right now. You have this feeling inside of you like, there's something more I'm supposed to do, but you don't know what it is yet, and you doubt it might be possible. I remember being waitress at Denny's and just feeling like, I had these big dreams, but not quite knowing, how do I believe I'm worthy of them yet? It was this big season in my life. At the same time, Mel, the kitchen at the Denny's I worked at was a disaster. They would take an hour to get pancakes takes out. So I learned to talk to people so that they wouldn't leave. They often did leave, or they'd throw a dime and a penny on the table and leave.

As your tip, as if it's your fault. Yeah, exactly.

But it's so funny how years later, when I ended up launching my own business, I'm like, oh, I've got to get the operations right or nothing else matters. It's just those little things we learn along the way. But, yeah, after that, I thought my whole life I would have a talk show. I watched Oprah in my living room growing up, so I thought for sure I would share other people's stories with the world. So I went into, did all the jobs, saved up all my money to pay for school and push grocery carts in the grocery parking lot, slice meat in the family, all those fun jobs, and then found myself in what I thought was my dream job, working in TV news, and I thought, this is it, right? And what I didn't realize was I was about to enter this huge season of setback in my life of self doubt. I have a skin condition called rosacea, and for me, it started getting really red, really bumpy, and I would be anchoring the news live thinking like, okay, this is it. This is it. And I started hearing in my earpiece from my I'm like, Oh, sir, there's something on your face.

There's something on your face. You need to wipe it off. You need to... And I was live on television, right? And I would glance down during the commercial break, and I saw, oh, the makeup is breaking up on my face, and these big red bumps are coming through. And it started this season that felt like setback. But so often in life, the seasons that feel like setbacks are actually set up for what we're called to do.

Okay, stop right there. Did you hear that? The seasons of your life that are setbacks are often set ups for what you're called to do. I want to just make sure everybody heard that, and I want to take a highlighter and also highlight something that you said about being a waitress at Denny's. And it's this. You said our steps are ordered. So can you explain what that means, particularly to somebody who's listening who may feel like, I know I'm meant for something greater. Why the hell am I at this step? And this does not feel like it is on the path of where I'm supposed to go. So what do you mean by the fact that our steps are ordered? Yeah.

I I believe everything in life is happening for us, even when it doesn't make sense.

What do you mean happening for us? So to somebody that's really in it, Jamie. Yes. What does that mean?

Let me frame it around our topic of purpose, right? So often people feel empty because they feel like, oh, my purpose needs to be some job. It needs to be my job, or it needs to be this grand thing I haven't figured out yet. But for those of us that have accomplished a goal we always dreamed of, we get to it and we're like, oh, this isn't it, right? In my opinion, purpose is never this big goal necessarily. Purpose is so often when we're able to serve the person we once were or serve in a way for something we've gone through. And here's what I mean. I think our purpose can be like, oh, wow, I went through a really freaking hard season in my life And I now am actually realizing I'm born to be a generational cycle breaker in my family. That is an incredible purpose, right? Purpose can be like, oh, I've been having a hard season for a long time. And when I actually just take a minute and say hi to someone else who's lonely, maybe it's in the coffee line at Starbucks, maybe it's the neighbor down the street, whatever it is, you feel in your gut a sense of fulfillment Like a sense of alignment when you're doing something in your purpose.

And I think that the big mistake people make is they think it's this end goal, right? A lot of times when people hear my story and they're here, oh, Denny's waitress builds billion dollar company. They think my purpose was to be some big entrepreneur. It wasn't? It wasn't. What was it? In the journey of how I did it, I took this massive risk, taking my makeup off on national television when I I was told not to and being brave enough to be seen and helping other women realize that they're worthy and enough exactly as they are, seeing them as who they are. To me, that is my purpose. And in doing that, a byproduct of that with It Cosmetics is we built a company with millions and millions and millions and millions of customers. And what's wild is 5 % of our customers actually have skin issues like I 95 % don't. It's just that they felt seen and connected with something that spoke to their soul. For me, being willing to say, here I am exactly as I am, no makeup, and all my skin is I think people connected with that, that feeling of, Oh, I'm enough exactly as I am.

You know what else I think is a really important part of your story? It is waitressing. It's pushing carts in a supermarket. It's working in the back house of a restaurant. That's my story, too. Helping my best friend on her paper route, bussing tables. I think when you work in retail or you work in a service job and you feel at times invisible, you start to realize how important it is to treat everybody with respect and kindness, that there is no work that is beneath you. When you can bring that level of service to the job that you have right now, even if you hate it, even if people treat you like garbage, even if the back of the house is not getting those pancakes out on time and people are angry. If you can bring a sense of grace and service and just humility to those roles, I think it changes how you show up when things start working out because you don't ever forget what it's like to be treated like shit because somebody was mad that their pancakes weren't out on time. Yes.

And also, you and I have had this experience where we've truly gotten to see and be almost every type of person in every type of environment. And so now it's like, whether it's me building a business or you building one of the top shows in the world, one of the top shows in the world. I feel part of that was like, oh, we understand who's listening and watching you right now. I understand who real people are who bought my products. And so when you mentioned steps are ordered, it's like, no matter where you are in your life right now, what you're going through, I believe every piece of it, whether it's, oh, someone just cut me off in a parking lot and screamed at me, or whatever it might be you're going through, all of those things are happening for you, I believe, so that you're amassing this toolbox of understanding and getting strong enough and equipped enough for the purpose you step into too.

Amazing. So Professor Purposed, Jamie Kern-Lema, right there. That's your takeaway number one. The steps are ordered. Believe in that. And this moment is helping you. It's giving you something. So that is one major tool that you used along the way. Let's go back to that moment because I think you were 28 years old, right? When you're sitting on television in Seattle, you are a local news acre, you're living the dream, you're on your way, and you are now starting to have this nightmare happen where your rosacea is breaking through on camera in front of everybody, the makeup that they put on you. And you've got people in your ear telling you, there's something wrong with your face, and You're realizing, holy cow, the makeup that they've put on my face cannot cover the rosacea and the skin issues that I have. So what do you do in that moment?

Well, the first thing I did was start freaking out, right? And I literally, I started entering this season of self doubt, where I would be live on the air, anchoring the news, thinking thoughts in my head like, oh, am I going to get fired? Are viewers changing the channel right now? Am I costing the company ratings? So it was this- Could you feel those moments when you could feel the makeup not disappearing?

There were moments when I used to be a commentator for CNN, I was pre-menopausal, where I could feel the hot flash coming.

Yeah. I didn't feel it until they said it in in my ear, in my earpiece. And then what would start to happen was I would get so nervous and stressed out because I kept trying to cover it during commercial because I could feel my heartbeat in my ears. So what I remember is anchoring the news live, and sometimes you have to be happy, tell this happy until it's your happy story or you're serious telling. And I just remember my heart beating in my ears hoping people weren't changing the channel. Oh, my God. And it started this thing where I would spend what... It's funny. I was anchoring the news, and people think when you're doing that, you must have all this money, but you really don't get paid much at all. And I took my little paycheck that I had and started spending it on department store makeup, professional artistry makeup, drug store makeup. I couldn't find anything that worked. And I had this idea one day like, oh, if I can't find anything that works for me, there's a whole lot of other people out there that feel like makeup doesn't work for them.

And it was this idea where I was like, if I could figure out how to make something that worked for me, it help a whole lot of And that was my knowing or this gut feeling. But then my head, Mel, was like, oh, but you got no money, you got no connections, no one in the beauty industry, you're unqualified. So I sat in this place, right? And we're talking about purpose. I had this gut feeling like I was supposed to go for this thing, but then my head was like, oh, but here's all the reasons why you're not qualified to do it. Plus you're in your dream job, right? And I sat between those two And it wasn't until I had this big, big aha moment of why I needed to do it that pushed me over the edge.

Okay, so what is the aha moment?

Yes. So I realized one day, I'm like, this makes no sense. There are thousands of makeup companies out there. How does nothing work for me? Then I had this moment where I realized I've never seen a model with bright red, bumpy skin selling makeup. You always see these photoshop, airbrush models. And I And I realized Mel, wow, my whole life, I've actually loved those beauty commercials, and I love seeing the magazines, and I always aspired to look like them. But deep down inside, they always made me feel like I wasn't enough. And I had this moment. I was literally on the news set when this happened where I was like, wait a minute. What if it's not just about launching a makeup product? What if I could actually figure out how to do it, which I had no idea how, and I had no money. It was like, what if I could actually launch a product that works for me? And what if I actually What if I put real people as models, like every age, shape, size, skin tone, skin challenge? What if I use them as models, call them beautiful, and mean it for every little kid out there who's about to start doubting themselves and every grown woman who still does?

And that deep source of pain from how I was feeling not enough, and what could I do about it? That, in my opinion, is one of the strongest ways to find your purpose. It's what has just destroyed you or hurt you that you've maybe made it through?

Yeah.

And how can you now use that making it through to help someone who's going through it?

Okay. That's like a mic drop moment from our professor of purpose, Jamie Kern-Lema. So again, I like to unpack these things to make sure this is a... I always say this is not just a listening podcast, it's a doing podcast. And I want to make sure nobody's left left Yes. And there was billions of dollars worth of wisdom that you just dropped. And so I want to try to unpack it for anybody that is listening to this and you have this sense that you're made for more. So one of the things that I heard is look in your life and see what problems or frustrations or things that you're struggling with that feel like a setback. And Jamie gave you the example of the rosacea on her skin and her inability to find something that actually could help her solve this issue of being able to cover it up so that she could do her dream job. That setback is a set up for something new. Then get out of your own selfish your self-loathing or the self-excuses and the self-pity and remind yourself that there are 8 billion people on this planet now. There are other people that are dealing with this.

And that if you can figure out how to put your energy into making this better for yourself, and you bring other people into the fold with you, you now have something that's worth working on because it helps you, and it's going to help other people. I also want to point something out that Jamie will not tell you, but I sure as hell will, and that is that this was about 14 or 15 years ago. We're talking 2007, 2008, correct? In my In my opinion, Jamie Kern-Lema is the reason why we have this real beauty movement. There always has to be the first person, and she was it. When you look around the internet and social media and you see people doing naked faces, that was not something people did in 2007. It was all airbrush. It was all perfection. That was the beauty standard. There were no plus size or curvy models. That was not a thing back then. And so you've got a woman who is sitting in Seattle who has no experience and no money, deciding that she is going to not only figure out how to create a makeup line for people who have issues with their skin, but that she's going to do something nobody has ever done, which is put real normal people like you and me into her campaigns when she finally gets this figured out, and She's going to show people what her skin actually looks like in order to sell it.

I mean, that was a revolutionary idea. She was the first, and I'm telling you this because you could be the first. You have something inside of you that is a problem, something that you can solve, and you could be the first to change the way that people think about an issue. And so, Jamie, let's pick up the story because how do you go from this aha moment like, Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, to doing something? Because I think some of us have aha moments, right? Yeah.

And then we doubt them. But we don't do anything. Yes, because we doubt them. We doubt them. We think like, Oh, someone's already done it, or, Oh, Whatever. First of all, if you're out there right now and you think, Oh, you have an idea or a way you want to show up in the world or someone else you want to help, but you think, Oh, someone's already done it, literally, there's only one of you in the entire universe, which by definition means no one has ever done it the way you're going to do it. So when I launch this- Say that again, Jamie, for the people that are like, Whoa, whoa, whoa, kids, calm down.

Wait, Jamie just said something. I was doing my dishes. Say that again. Talk about the fact that this matters.

This is It's huge because I think the biggest reason we talk ourselves out of things is we think, oh, someone's already done it. Someone's already done it before who must be smarter than me or more talented or more whatever it is than me. And what I have learned and then proven, and I want to tell you, too, about all... I'm going to get so excited now because no, when you do this thing, don't be shocked then when there's millions and millions of rejections and people don't get it, right? Because it's never been done before, right? Oh, yes. Because there's only one of you. There's only one of you doing it the way you're going to do it. But just to recap that, there is literally only one of you in the entire universe, right? And so if you are going to show up to this world authentic, that means whatever you do, if it's authentic to you, it's actually, by definition, it's never been done before, right? And so when you show up that way, don't be surprised if not everyone gets it right away. Or in my case, all the experts I put on pedestals all said no, that this idea of how I wanted to connect with women, they thought it wouldn't work, and they thought I wouldn't, therefore, make them any money.

But can I ask you a question real quick? How did you go from the Aha to starting? So What did that look like? Because I think if you're in this space where, let's just use an example, you've never actually... You don't know the... You have this thing about catering, that you just can't get it out of your head. You want to do these events. You've never actually done this because you had never done anything with makeup. You had no idea what you were doing. You have an idea, and you have an aha moment. What was the first What was the first thing that you did to start to make this real?

So leaning on that, why I had to do it, and why I felt like it was going to be part of my purpose, was a big thing that helped me actually take the risk, quit my job.

Wait, you quit your job because you had an aha moment?

Yeah, it was deep. I was like, if I had- What did it feel like? It felt like if I didn't do it, I would wake up the rest of my life with this pain in my gut, this longing knowing I was created for more. It felt like if I didn't do it, I would have the pain of regret. And if I did do it, I might have the pain of failure and maybe the pain of embarrassment and then maybe the pain of, oh, wow, That doesn't feel like it went how I thought it was. I knew it was this big risk. I knew I was leaving what I thought was my dream job.

Why did you have to quit your job? Just curious.

It was literally from day one, I was all in. It was I dove all in. I knew if I was going to do this, I needed to just go all in on it. I do not recommend this, but I started working like 100-hour weeks from the beginning. I was so freaking passionate about it. I I didn't stop thinking about, what if I can actually figure this out? What if I can literally... Because it became a big dream.

So did you have any savings? Do you have a little bit of savings? Very little savings. Because you didn't pay your sofa the first three years that you did this. First three years.

So basically, my My husband and I wrote this business plan, right? Yeah. Quit our jobs, dove all in in our living room. We poured all of our savings into it. I thought, Mel, and this is for someone watching us right now, I know this. I thought, if I can figure the product out, it's going to be huge. And then I realized, oh, being an entrepreneur or launching a dream is not always that easy. We put every penny we had into it once we actually created a product. And we were scrappy.

If you want to know how- How did you create a product? Are you in your kitchen buying stuff at the grocery store? Or how does this even work?

Okay. So first, I love that technology is right there. So researching how are make-up formulations made? Who makes them? What are the FDA regulatory compliance? All the unsexy stuff I know nothing about. Just diving into the research phase of how does this happen? And then what I learned is that manufacturers are our make-up company's closest held secrets, Closest Held Secrets, they won't disclose who they work with. But a lot of these big manufacturers work with all the top brands that you see or a handful of them. Got you.

So are you saying that all of the brands and top brands that you see are basically manufactured by a handful of companies?

Yes, a handful of companies. And then some do it in-house as well. Got you. So what I did was scrappy. I walked into a Sephora. I wrote down the name of every single brand in there, went home. I had no money, right? Cold call every single brand and saying, Oh, I'm looking for a really great manufacturer. Could you let me know who you manu-? And then they hang up on me. You know what I mean? One after another, after another, after another. And I got this really small brand in a totally different positioning where the girl who answered said, Oh, here's who we use there in New York City, blah, blah, blah. That was my first manufacturer. Reached out to them, had a meeting in person, had no money, poured this idea out to them. They took a risk making me samples, and that's how it started, was just really being scrappy and trying to figure it out. All of our money had went into the product development formula and the advisory board of the product. And I thought, okay, now we have a product that works for me. This was after hundreds of formula iterations.

I thought that was going to be it.

So is this year one or year two? How long did this take?

Yeah, it took a good first year to get that product. And then what I started doing was sending it to everyone I thought was just going to believe in me instantly. So I sent it to Sephora and Ulta Beauty and all the department stores and all of the online retailers, QVC, which is live television shopping channel. And I thought, oh, my gosh, this is going to be huge. Every single one of them said no, after no, after no, after no. And to your point, it became three years of not being able to pay myself, three years of hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of nos, of crying myself to sleep at night.

Were you and your husband fighting like crazy? You should to work. You should. But why do we do that? Were you doing that?

You want to know what it was? We still believed in it, but we weren't sure how we were going to make it. It was like friends and family that were like, Wait, you quit your job? Are you sure you should have quit your job? Or, Wait, you still haven't made any money? It's been three years. So you hear all of this, the voices get so loud. The loudest, though, were my own self doubt. Sometimes we take a chance and go for something because our gut is telling us to do it. And then all of a sudden, you You face all this opposition, and you start to question, is my gut wrong? Is my knowing wrong? And there were so many times where I would literally get another brutal no from Sephora or QBC or whoever it was, and I would just literally cry myself to sleep. I would pray about it and be like, God, I feel like I'm supposed to be doing this, but nothing is going right.

How do I help my son deal with kids who say hurtful things? He has a very hard time ignoring them. When people say hurtful things- What are you looking at? I'm just like- We got a lot of questions. You turned the page and I'm like, Holy shit. Okay. We have a lot of questions.

And we'll get to them all. When people say hurtful things to other people, nine times out of 10, it is because they are in a world of hurt right now.

Yeah.

Whether that be family, friends, maybe academically, there's always something wrong with their life, and they're taking out their frustration on somebody else.

So you can know that because I believe that's true.

But it still hurts when people say things. Correct.

So how in the moment when somebody says your legs are weird, or they call you some name, or they leave you out, or something you've experienced is when you You always end up being the person in a game that's it. So you're subtly getting picked on and excluded because the whole point of whatever game you're playing in Fizzette or whatever, it's like, go after Oakley. And you start to realize that everybody's out for you. So when it's happening, you can say to yourself, well, people are just doing this to me because they hate their life. But it still sucks. But it still sucks. So how do you cope with it?

Well, this is a little bit different, but one way to make it go away, I think, is just to not really react to it and honestly make fun of it. Be okay.

How would you do this with the legs? How would you do this with the legs? I could agree with them.

They're like, Oh, your legs are stupid. You're like, Yeah, they do look stupid. I know. It's funny, isn't it? And you go into it, which makes them feel a little weird because they were expecting you to be like, Oh, my God, you're like, Oh, my goodness. This is so bad. But if you joke about it with them, then they're like, Oh, what? They don't really care?

It doesn't go anywhere.

It doesn't go anywhere.

Right.

And then they're like, Oh, why do anything to this person if they're not going to react in the way that I want them to.

And what would you advise the adult in that kid's life, the parent that's writing in this question? How, as a parent, can I support you? Because I would expect- Right.

I think as a parent, your first thought is just reach out to the parents and make sure I tell them that their kid is being a horrible person. Don't do that. Never do that.

Never do what?

Never reach out to the bully's parent or the school or anything, because For a middle schooler or even a high schooler, the last thing that they want is for their parent to be getting involved in their social issue. For the kid to come up to them the next day, their bully to come up to them and be like, your parents just wrote mine instead of being rude to you. You're the worst. That's be all end all horrible.

But there are exceptions.

There are exceptions. There are definitely exceptions.

Exceptions when it's racist, discriminatory, when they're saying dangerous stuff, when you're starting to feel depressed, when you feel like you can't handle it. Then you have to tell.

Yes, 100%. Then you have to do something.

You're talking about the little shit.

I'm talking about the little shit. I'm talking about the little stuff. What you can do as a parent is you can be there for your kid. You can reach out. You can say, What can I do? You have to keep asking your kid what you can do because everybody's different. Everybody needs something different. But to show your kid that you are there for them is huge. Just like every day saying, Hey, how is your day to day? What can I do to support you? Things like that.

Another thing you could do is you could rehearse comebacks.

Oh, that's so good.

That's so good. I love that.

I bet we probably did.

Yeah. I love that. What are you going What are you going to say? If you walk into that school and they do blah, blah, blah, what are you going to say?

Yeah, that's good. That's really good. Because then it also makes fun of it. And then they're like, oh, maybe they will pick on me today. And then I could use my comeback. That is good. That is really good.

Definitely do that. Okay. And I'm also gathering, though, that it is important to talk about this with your parents, even if it's the little shit. Yes. Your message, though, to parents is don't get yourself involved in the little shit.

If it starts becoming racist, dangerous, your kid is feeling depressed, things like that, then you may want to- You definitely should. Yeah. Then you should reach out to the school, reach out to the parents. You want to do something. But if it's little stuff, name calling, teasing, just make fun out of it, basically.

Or help your kid. Or help your kid. Or figure out what your kid needs. Mel, have you any idea what it's like to hear and read what you're saying, but my mind is still beating me down. I know exactly what that feels like. I know exactly what that feels like, and this is going to be the last question. Thank you. This is one from LinkedIn. This also goes to another I have a question from LinkedIn, how does one keep the faith if confidence is an issue? This is all tied together because confidence is about your belief in self and your willingness to try new things and your willingness to believe that things are going to work out and your willingness to believe that through your efforts and through your attitude that you can make a difference in things. And I'll tell you, so many of you probably have followed me for a while, or if you're new to following me, you see a 53-year-old woman who's wildly successful, who is outwardly super positive, who's traveling around the world, who's impacting people's lives, who has a best-selling book, blahbitty, blahbitty, blah, blah, blah, blah. I will tell you, all those things are true.

But it wasn't until April of 2020, at a very low moment, when I stumbled into this thing I call the high five habit, that I learned the secret to truly loving and accepting myself. I have been very busy for the last 10 years, changing my life, building a business, clawing our way out of nearly a million dollars in debt and going on to make more money than I ever thought possible. I have been busy doing the work to build that business, to get into therapy, to work on my trauma, to become a better person. But I never, ever, ever could figure out how to get down to the core issue that was making me unhappy because it didn't matter what I did, you guys. It was never enough. 111 speeches a year becoming the most booked female speaker in the world, not enough. The five-second rule, Self Published became the number one self-published audiobook in the history of audiobooks, not enough. The Five Second Rule book sold 2 million copies, self-published. It's translated into 36 languages, not enough. Landing a daytime syndicated talk show, not enough. Celebrating 25 years of marriage, not enough. Why? The reason why I never felt like anything I did was enough.

The reason why I never felt like I could ever slow down is because I would look in the mirror and see a woman that was not enough. I would look in the mirror and focus on the things that I hated about myself. I would look in the mirror and I would laser in on what was wrong. And because I had that habit of being focused on what I hated about myself or judged about myself, guess what? That habit of self-rejection, that habit of focusing on fixing and on negativity, it became my default. I then carried that into my day. So I could barely even see all the amazing things that were going on because I was every morning training my own mind to focus on rejecting something I didn't like. Focus on the things that aren't working. Always feel like it's not enough. And if you stand in the mirror, this makes In sense, your relationship with yourself determines your whole experience of your life, everybody. How you view yourself is the lens through which you view the whole world. Let me show you something. So my lenses are clear. I practice the high five habit, right?

I practice the high five habit. The high five habit has broken the habit of self-rejection. The high five habit, high fiving myself in the mirror, has reprogrammed the default settings in my mind. Raising my hand and making me feel the celebration, making me feel the optimism and resilience to go play a cool game, the acceptance of where I am. It has fundamentally rewired my mind, everybody. I don't look in the mirror and see a human being I hate. Do you know how that's changed everything? I see a human being I love that I'm rooting for. It doesn't mean I'm perfect. It doesn't mean there aren't things every single day that go wrong. But it means that my resting mental state is compassion, support, and encouragement. The foundation of love. And that has fundamentally changed my whole experience of life, because I no longer have this grinding sense that something's wrong or grinding hatred of the little things I'm doing wrong. I approach things with a sense of optimism, encouragement, and compassion. It's very simple. The high five habit clears your vision. The high five habit allows you to see things as they are and to still accept, support, and encourage yourself.

I used to have an experience where I looked at the world with glasses on. When I look through these glasses, everything is shaded through the lens I'm viewing it. Everything looks pink right now. The glasses that I used to wear that filtered the whole world, everybody, was What am I doing wrong? Everything's my fault. Nothing's ever going to work out for me. When you have that as a belief, you then look through the world. You look through that filter and it shades everything. Everything's going wrong. Everything's my fault. Nothing works out for me. And so everything that I experience starts to feel that way. I miss a dentist appointment, everything's wrong. I do everything wrong. Everything's my fault. When you do the high five habit, it's a whole different thing. I missed the dentist appointment. Oh, I missed a dentist appointment. I missed a dentist appointment. It's a fact. But since my mind is clear of all that crap from the past, I literally can look at that and say, compassion, empathy, understanding, love, support. I missed a dentist appointment, so I reschedule it. I pay the $25 fee. I can go through my life without adding the pound down that comes from years and years and years and years and years of telling yourself something Negative.

The high five habit helps you remove those glasses so you can see things clearly, and you can see yourself. And who you are is a person that deserves support, deserves celebration, deserves empowerment, encouragement. That's who you are. You are hardwired for love. You are hardwired for inspiration. You are hardwired for growth and connection. And it is high time that you start to see that and celebrate that shit. Hey, it's Mel. Thank you so much for being here. If you enjoyed that video, by God, please subscribe because I don't want you to miss a thing. Thank you so much for being here. We've got so much amazing stuff coming. Thank you so much for sending this stuff to your friends and your family. I love you. We create these videos for you, so make sure you subscribe.