Transcript of De-Stress Your Brain & Reset Calmness in 60 Seconds | Mel Robbins

Overwhelm. I am feeling so overwhelmed today because I have to pack. I have to get in the car. When I'm done talking to you about overwhelm, I have to drive to Boston. I am going to a funeral for a friend, and I'm giving a eulogy, which is both a huge honor and a massive, massive reason to feel overwhelmed. And so it is kind of one of those life imitates art moments right now where we were planning on talking about overwhelm, and I roll in here behind the microphone. I am a hot mess right now. I didn't even put on underwear yet today. I've got on ripped jeans, a jog bra, and a yellow t shirt. And I just realized that the t shirt says mentally elsewhere. And so it may feel a little odd that the person that you're gonna have a conversation with about overwhelm is a hot mess with a messy bun. And. But you know what? I've always envisioned the Mel Robbins podcast to be like taking a walk with a really good friend. And when you take a walk with a really good friend, you show up as you are, and you walk and you talk and you sort things out together.

And so today's episode I'm really excited for, because you and I are going on a walk together. And I've got five other listeners that are going to join that walk with us. And as we walk and we talk, we are going to unpack this topic of overwhelm. And I've got this framework that you're going to love. There are two types of overwhelm. And seeing which type of overwhelm that you're in, it's going to help you take the steps to deal with being overwhelmed, to become calmer, to tap into your power. You probably notice that my voice is starting to gain a little bit of steadiness. That's because I know what's coming. I know that as you and I talk through these frameworks and as I hear other listeners like you, sharing what's going on in their life and why they're overwhelmed, and as we talk about what you can do to face those situations in life, I'm starting to feel a little steadier, because I know by the end of a good walk with friends, you always feel better. And I want you to stay until the end, because at the very end, you're going to hear from a listener named Michelle.

And she has so much joy in her voice because she has applied what you're about to learn and what I'm about to remind myself of when it comes to overwhelm. So let's dig into our first question, which comes from a listener named Laura.

Hi Mel, this is Laura and here's my question. How can I identify when can I push harder and when to pause or give myself some grace? How can I adapt all the things I'm learning in your podcast to my reality? And I can explain? I'm a 35 year old mom of a very, very active two year old. I have a full time job and I'm planning on doing a lot of things, including training for my third marathon. But I also suffer from anxiety and I have the habit of procrastinating. I listen to all of your podcasts. I love them and everything makes a lot of sense to me and I really want to do all the things that you teach us to become the best version of myself. But the truth is that almost every day life happens and I end up doing nothing. Like I wake up, I make breakfast, get my kid ready for school, get myself ready for work, and I'm off to work by 08:30 a.m. and then I have a full time of work and I finish work around 05:30 p.m. then I get home and I try to be with my kid.

At 730 we start our night routine and by 830, when my baby boy hopefully is asleep, I feel exhausted. I only want to have dinner and go to bed. But I also want to fit in a morning routine, exercise, time to work in the thousand things I have in my to do list, social life and the list of things that I want to do in one day goes on and on and on, including meditating, cooking better food. It goes on. How can I prioritize and adapt a million dollar morning routine to my reality? Should I expect more from myself? Should I push harder, maybe at night, wake up earlier? Or should I just like, feel, do what I can? How do you fit in time to do all the personal growth when it really feels I do not have the time and physical or mental energy to do it? Thank you very much, Mel.

Oh my gosh, Laura, I'm so glad you're on the walk today because hearing you list off all the things you need to do, I suddenly feel less overwhelmed. Can we just have a laugh about that? That when somebody else is more overwhelmed than you, you're like, oh, okay, thank God it's not just me. So one of the things I want to say to you, Laura, and to you listening, is that life is a marathon, not a sprint. There are times in your life where it's going to be overwhelming all the time. And one of those times is when you have kids that are not yet in a full school day. I remember those chaotic days of trying to get our kids out the door, in the car to daycare so I could get to a full time job, commute in, work all day, commute back out, make it back to daycare in time before daycare closed. And they started to fine you. And you feel like the world's worst parent because you're showing up when the lights are off and your kid there is there alone. And then get home, and then transition and then get them into the like.

It is exhausting. Exhausting. And one of the big lies that we tell ourselves when it comes to overwhelm is we tell ourselves, if I just hurry, I can fit more in. And right now, your life is not about fitting more in. It's about a level of acceptance for where you are. Because I hear in what you're talking about, this resistance that you don't have enough time, that you can't fit it all in. And the truth is, you're doing the most important thing in the world right now. You are taking care of a small child. You are working. You are taking care of yourself. And that is what you need to focus on. And you listening. You might not have a little kid at home anymore, or at all, but maybe you're taking care of aging parents. That was my friend Joanie. Joanie was the primary caregiver for her mother for the last two years as she was slowly dying and suffering from dementia. I never saw Joni. Why? Because she was in a very draining situation where she was caring for somebody with a chronic illness, and all she could do was get up, do that, take care of herself, go to sleep.

And that brings me to this framework for overwhelm that has profoundly helped me. And as I explain this to you, I not only want you to listen, but as we continue this conversation and this metaphorical walk together, I want you to start to take this framework, the two types of overwhelm, and not only apply it to your life, but see if you can apply it to the situations you're going to hear other listeners describe, because the two types of overwhelm are legitimate. Overwhelm. So your life circumstances demand overwhelm from you and Laura with a full time job and a kid under two. And I can't tell if she was married or not. So I'm going to assume she's a single parent. She is in a period of life where she is in legitimate overwhelm. Joanie, my friend who was caring for her mom, who just recently passed away, she was in a two to three year period of legitimate overwhelm. The demands of her life created overwhelm. Our daughter, who's about to graduate from college and who is a singer songwriter, and there's not a defined career path. She right now, is careening into a couple months of legitimate overwhelm because of college ending and an uncertain future.

And I, right now, am in a state of legitimate overwhelm. I have a friend who recently died. I am delivering a eulogy. I'm going to be in this legitimate overwhelm until I get through this service. And so when it comes to legitimate overwhelm, the only thing that you can do is to have tools that I'm going to unpack in just a minute. So that's the first type of overwhelm. Now, let me explain the second one. And the second one is where most of us live. The second type of overwhelm is lifestyle overwhelm. That's when your whole life feels overwhelming. When you're just so used to feeling overwhelmed and busy and to do lists everywhere and stuff is a mess, and things are on the counter, and you've over committed yourself, and you can never say no. And you're always last on your list, and you don't know how to get out of it because it's become a vicious cycle. Your whole life is overwhelm. That's the second type of overwhelm. And so, Laura, you have legitimate overwhelm, which means you need a strategy to ratchet down the stress that you're putting on yourself. And one of the most important things that you can do in terms of a strategy is you have to tell yourself, this is a temporary period of my life.

And what I need to do as a strategy is I need to prioritize my own well being, my own stamina. Because, remember, this period of your life isn't the sprint. It's a marathon. And so one of the most important strategies that you need is you need to get more rest. That's it. Instead of piling things on, instead of adding more to your life, you need to get more rest. If it's available to you and you can get help, whether it's from your partner or your parents or maybe other moms in your mom group or that, you know, that have kids the same age, maybe you can swap time on the weekends so you can get time alone to do something like going to a yoga class or doing something for yourself. But your tool right now is ratchet down the pressure and stress. Remind yourself that this is a temporary period of your life where you are legitimately going to feel overwhelmed, and it will pass. And with regard to your question about the morning routine, the million dollar morning routine, which, by the way, is something I explained in our episode about morning routines, and I will link to that episode in the show notes for you.

But my million dollar morning routine, which is grounded in science, helps me feel like a million bucks and gives my days structure. It's 20 to 30 minutes long, tops. I don't care how overwhelmed you are. You can fit it in. You get up when the alarm rings, you make the bed. You high five the mirror. You pull on your exercise clothes, you get outside and get a little bright light. And that could even mean sticking your head out of a window if you can't leave your two year old. But you could take your two year old on a walk, and you spend ten to 20 minutes moving your body, and you can do that in front of your laptop by streaming a workout. You do those things every 20 minutes, and you will feel less stressed, you will feel less overwhelmed, and you will feel less resentment and pressure to fit it all in. So, again, if you identify with Laura or with me or with my friend Joanie, and your life is in a stretch on this marathon that requires stamina, and you have a legitimate reason to be overwhelmed because of life circumstances, cut yourself some slack.

Know that this will not be forever. And focus on the strategy of protecting your stamina and doing simple things that help you with your well being. The million dollar morning routine. 20 minutes is all you need is one of those things. All right, now let's go to Samantha's question. Who has a bit of overwhelm about prioritizing tasks on her to do list?

Hi, Mel. It's Samantha. My question is, how do you prioritize everything in daily life without stress and anxiety taking over? I find myself overwhelmed thinking about everything I need to do throughout the day and then throw in extra appointments and tasks on top of that. And then I end up pushing it off and hopes that I get it done the next day. I'm just looking for that happy balance.

Yes, Samantha.

Whoo.

I hear you. You have what I call lifestyle overwhelm. And this involves a lie that we all tell ourselves that leads to a lot of overwhelm. And the lie is everything is important. And here's what I want you to understand. If everything is important, nothing is important. All those things that you have on your to do list do not have equal weight. And so here's what I want you to do. You're going to go from being stressed out all the time because you're giving equal weight to everything to having a more strategic way of approaching your day to day life and the things that you need to get done. And so the tool that I'm going to give you is something that I use all the time. I call it a brain dump. Okay? It's so simple it costs you nothing. You can do it several times a day. Anybody can use this. And here's what you're going to do. You're going to take out a blank piece of paper. I don't care if it's lined or it's printer paper or it's the flip side of a bill that you just paid. And you're going to take that piece of paper and you are going to vomit everything on that paper that is in your brain.

Absolutely everything. Okay? And you can just dump it all out there. And if you want to get fancy pants with this, you can draw a line down the center of the paper and you can write important stuff on the left and shit I can do later on the right. Okay. But you don't even need to do that. I'm just adding that in there because I know a lot of our listeners are very, very, very like kind of. I like to keep things organized. Mel, no problem. You can add a little pizzazz to your brain dump. I personally, I'm so scatterbrained with the ADHD that I just need a blank piece of paper and I just dump it all down there. And so let me think about today. What would be on my list? Oh, packing for Boston, calling my daughter to remind her that it's dinner's at 730. I got to check in for the plane ticket. I got to make sure that, oh, I haven't even looked at the weather yet, so I don't even know what to pack for Boston. I don't know what it's going to be like in New York when we land there Saturday to support another friend who's doing this concerte.

Oh, I didn't even pick up my ADHD prescription yet. And I need to get that on the way out of town. And so you can see that just like you, I suffer from not only legitimate overwhelm right now, but I also have a case of lifestyle overwhelm that I overwhelm myself because I manage all this crap on my head. So you feel a sense of lifestyle overwhelm brain dump. Everybody get it out of your head and get it down on a piece of paper. Because when you can get it down on a piece of paper, you can be more strategic about creating a system to get it done. And it feels so good to do this when you're managing all this stuff in your head. This is why going for a walk with a friend is so therapeutic. Not only are you outside, but as you're walking and talking, you know what you're doing. You're brain dumping. You're getting all that stuff that you've been ruminating about out into the air. And when you get it out on a piece of paper by doing a brain dump, like just pour it all out there, that's what you need to do.

I was about to tell you 15 other things that just came to mind. Because what starts happening when you do a brain dump is it sort of like pulling a thread on a sweater? That sucker just keeps on going. So don't be surprised if there are some days that you fill three pages. So now what do you do? Now that you've dumped it all out on a piece of paper, you're going to take a highlighter and you're going to highlight the three things that you must do today. These are your priority. This is what's important. So what are the three things I need to do today? I need to pick up my prescription. I need to pack for Boston, and I need to work on this eulogy. Those are the only three things that matter. And you want to know something fascinating about life is that if you just can dump everything out and you can highlight the three things that really matter, that you get to them today, if there's an emergency, or if something else is a true priority. Have you ever noticed? It gets your attention anyway, if one of your kids is sick or a friend needs you, they call.

If you have to fill up the tank of gas, you'll realize when you get in the car and it's on empty, like mine often is because my son borrows the car and never fills the car back up. If you realize you've run out of milk, you'll realize it when you open up the fridge and you'll deal with it. But it's not really that important. It's not life or death. It's not a big thing. You need to pick the three things that are the actual priority. So, lifestyle, overwhelm, brain dump, highlight the three things that actually matter. And that's how you beat that lie. That everything's important, because when everything's important, nothing is. And you get to say what's important. So pick those things. All right, our next question is from Cindy. And Cindy's overwhelm comes from the fact that she says yes to everything. I can't wait for you to hear the lie she's telling herself because I think you're going to relate to this one, too.

Hi, Mel.

This is Cindy. Do you have a strategy for not over committing for daily tasks? It sounds so ridiculous when I type it out, but it really is destructive and sparks feelings of failure when I cannot accomplish all I believe I should be able to handle in a single day. Thanks so much. Oh, Cindy. I love you, Cindy. I relate to you, too. You have a case of lifestyle overwhelm. You have perfectionism, and you also put a ton of pressure on yourself. And there's this huge lie that we overachievers tell ourselves. You want to hear it? There's so much more I should be doing. Everybody's doing more than me. I should be doing more. I need to do more. Here's the truth. You need to do what needs to get done, and the rest does not matter. And so here is the rule that we're going to build upon. Imagine that you do the brain dump. Your problem is you highlight everything that you just dumped on a piece of paper. And so I'm going to give you this tool. It's called the rule of three. There are only three things that actually matter. And I often say to myself when I start getting a case of lifestyle overwhelm, when I'm trying to add things to the to do list, when I'm putting pressure on myself to do more, when I feel weird that I'm, like, kind of done with what needed to get done, and now I don't know what to do with myself, so I feel like I should do more.

Mel, it doesn't fucking matter. It doesn't matter. I'll give you. I'll give you an example. This happened to me last night. So last night I was scurrying around with a case of lifestyle overwhelm because I'm trying to get through my to do list, and I'm realizing, oh, my God, I don't have any clean underwear for this frickin trip. So I've got to do laundry before I have to pack, which, of course, only makes me feel more overwhelmed. So I grab the basket of laundry, I tromp, tromp, tromp up the stairs, and as I'm climbing up the stairs to the second floor, of our house here in southern Vermont. I look up, and all of the walls in the upstairs hallway are blank. They have a brand new coat of paint on them, but there ain't nothing hanging on these walls. And I immediately feel this wave of overwhelm come over me because I don't have any pictures of our family in our new house. And I've always envisioned that we will do a family picture wall on these three walls. And I start to think, oh, my God, wait. Are we going to do pictures that are black and white with black frames?

Or should we do those sort of blow up things that wrap the canvas around the things that are sort of like an inch thing, and they're colorful, and do I do them different sizes or. And I start to feel completely overwhelmed. And then I start to beat myself up for the fact that I haven't done this, that I don't have any pictures identified, that I also let my shutterfly account go because they just moved to a whole thing where now you have to pay in order to have your pictures stored there. And I have all my old pictures on shutterfly, and, oh, my. Now I'm beating myself up about that. And so now here I am with a load of laundry. I have put the basket down. I didn't even realize I did. And I'm looking at all three walls having a panic attack about these freaking pictures and this project that doesn't fucking matter. Pick three things. Three things, Mel. The rule of three. The only thing that matters is getting the stam laundry done so that you have underwear to wear while you are delivering a eulogy. And you need to. I don't remember what the third thing was yesterday, but I think I got it done.

It doesn't fucking matter, Mel. So don't get overwhelmed about what the third thing was yesterday. You know what the three things are today? You got to work on the eulogy. You got to pack for Boston. And what was the third thing? Oh, yeah. I got to pick up my medicine. Thank you, Amy. See, I don't even know lifestyle overwhelm. I have legitimate overwhelm, which means I know that the dials cranked up right now. And so I also know I need to give myself a little bit of a break, that I am going to be in this state of feeling amped up until I get through this eulogy. That's just the legitimate overwhelm that I'm feeling. But I don't need to add on top of that a dose of lifestyle overwhelm by obsessing over a picture wall that I have not done anything about in six months of living here. Six months. Okay. So that's it? That's it. Okay. And the same is true for you. Lower the pressure. Lower the pressure. And for those of us that have trouble sitting still or relaxing, you got to be really careful about lifestyle overwhelm, because it will rob you of your ability to be present.

It will rob you of just being able to sit down and read a book or go out into your garden and weed or pick up a phone and make a date to go meet a friend for coffee. And that's how this creeps into your whole life. This lie that you say that you got to be doing more. No, you don't have. The whole point of this is to enjoy your life and catching yourself when you get a case of lifestyle overwhelm and reminding yourself of the rule of three that will help you lower the pressure, focus on what matters, and create more time to just chill and enjoy your life. Okay. Right now, I'm sitting in a hotel room in Salt Lake City. I've got about an hour before I've got across the street and head over to the convention center and give a speech. But something. Something happened this morning where I caught myself going down a rabbit hole. I started worrying about something. Then the worries became even bigger, and I realized, I'm doing that thing. I'm doing that thing where I am causing myself a lot of pain because I am catastrophizing.

So many of us struggle with this. You may struggle with this, where your mind is constantly defaulting to what's going to go wrong, or you're always dwelling on problems that haven't happened yet. And so I thought, why don't I just jump on the mic while I have a little bit of time here and explain what just happened to me, because I know you're going to relate to it. So here's the deal. So I wake up and I roll out of bed, and I start my normal morning routine, and I pick up my phone. And one of the reasons why I picked up my phone is because our oldest child, our daughter, Sawyer, who's 24 years old, is in the middle of a solo backpacking trip on the other side of the world. And this is something she's wanted to do for a long time. It's really well planned out. And of course, because I'm her mother, because I worry. I am tracking her location, and we're all on WhatsApp. We're in a family group text, and right now, she is in Australia. And she had planned as part of her itinerary that she was going to go on a couple solo hikes.

Cue the worry. Okay. I got my 24 year old daughter backpack on her back in a country she's never been to. Obviously, it's relatively safe, but that does not prevent me from coming up with all kinds of fantasies of my mind about what could go wrong. And so I've been pretty good. I've been really good. You know, I have been able to just enjoy from afar and not become a stalker. But something happened that caused me to spiral this morning. She summited this mountain in Australia to see a sunrise two days ago, and I haven't heard from her. And I go to track her location, and I'm like, where is she? And it's sort of rainbow wheeling, so I can't quite see where she is. And I know she's okay because she posted something on social media. But I woke up this morning and I immediately looked at my WhatsApp. There was no message from her in the family group chat. There was no message from her directly to me. I then went to Instagram. I looked in the DM's. There was no DM from her. And I started to panic. And what did my mind think?

I'm almost embarrassed to tell you. Why don't you just step in my shoes for a minute? What do you think Mel Robbins was thinking, knowing that her daughter had summited a mountain alone? It's like a five mile hike up. She started at 04:00 in the morning to see the sunrise. We saw the photos of the sunrise. Haven't heard from her since. What do you think my mind is thinking right now? It's been 48 hours. She's on the other side of the world. Oh, you know, I'm not thinking, oh, I bet she met some friends and she's out having fun. Or maybe her phone died. Or you know what, Mel? Maybe she's so busy that she doesn't have time to talk to you. Because the whole point of her trip is not to keep you posted of her whereabouts. It's for her to go out and have this incredible experience and to grow and to discover and to be brave and to explore. That's not what my mind thought. Nope. You know what my mind thought? She's dead. She fell off the mountain after taking the sunrise photo. The woman is dead. Then I thought, no, no, no.

Maybe she got kidnapped. Then I thought, oh, no. She was sexually assaulted on the side of the trail and somebody. This is disgusting. I know, but do not tell me that you don't do the same thing, that your mind goes dark. I'm talking gruesome, scary horror movie dark, like in a nanosecond. And here's the thing. I know that this is a terrible thing to do. I know that this causes me pain. And I bet you do it too. I know you do. In fact, because I've seen the DM's that you write to me, whether it's you are worried about your money, and you're constantly worried about something bad happening with your money, or getting fired, or forgetting about something for your kids, and that's where your brain is constantly settling. And here's what we're going to do today, because we're all guilty of this. There is so much research around the fact that worry is so painful in your life. Worry is a habit. This is a really, really bad spiral to get into. It causes you a lot of pain. It causes you a lot of stress. It can certainly bring on anxiety. And if you already struggle with a little bit of anxiety, it can make it a lot worse.

It doesn't help with your confidence. And one out of three people, according to research, struggle with constant worrying. And so what I want to share with you today is a six word sentence that I use all the time in these moments when I catch my mind spiraling. And it really helps. And it really helps me because it stops that freight train of bad and negative and catastrophic thoughts. And here's the six words. You ready? This is what I say to myself. What if it all works out? So, as I'm standing this morning in my underwear, I don't even have a bra on this morning, and I've already visualized my daughter falling to her death off of a cliff in the middle of nowhere in Australia. I'm brushing my teeth, and I'm starting to notice my anxiety rising. It's 615 in the morning here. And I have inflicted self torture on myself before. I've had a glass of water or a cup of coffee. This is completely unnecessary. And I catch myself. And this is what I want to teach you to do, because you need to start catching yourself. I think you and I can agree that we can't control anything that's happening outside of us, right?

But we can certainly control our reaction to it. And so I'm standing there in my underwear. I'm visualizing my daughter's death, or the fact that she's been kidnapped and abducted. And I notice the stress rise. And I say to myself, Mel, what if it all works out. What if it all works out? I mean, you can't argue with that, right? What if it all works out? Because in this moment where you're worried about getting fired or you're worried about forgetting something for your kids, or you're worried about what will happen if the people that you love the most are going to die before you can say goodbye? Or this one happens for me a lot. I'll be sitting on a plane and it's taking off, and I suddenly spiral and think, if this plane crashes, I'm not going to see my daughter's wedding, I'm not going to meet my grandkids. I'm not going to get to do all this stuff that I really want to do in my life. And in that moment where I'm in the negative, what if this, what if that, what if the other thing, and I feel the pain rising and I feel the stress rising and I feel the self inflicted torture coming on, I simply drop in those six words, what if it all works out?

And here's what happens. It stops the spiral. That's the first thing that happens. What if it all works out? You just hit the brakes on the locomotive of worry. The second thing that happens is because it's a question, what if it all works out? You actually pause for a second and consider it. And what you realize when you stop for a second and you pause and you consider, what if it all works out is you don't actually know what's going to happen, do you? You're just choosing to make yourself believe that something terrible has already happened. But the truth is, in this moment, you don't know. And so it is a fact, a logical fact that it could all work out. And in fact, based on the research, this is kind of amazing. I want to. I want to throw some research at you. Let me find this. You can hear me flipping through my papers because there's a lot of really interesting stuff. There is a study at Penn State where they looked at chronic worrying, and the average person has three to four major worries a day. Okay. What if I get fired?

What if I'm not happy? What if my marriage ends? Will I find love and have children? What if I don't make the money? What if this? What if that? What if the other thing? All these worries that every single one of us, you and me, we have at least three or four of them that cause us stress or make us feel some level of pain? According to this Penn State study, 91% of those worries are completely false. It's self inflicted torture. And I think you and I both know that. And here's the other really kind of interesting thing. You know, the other 9% of the worries that do happen, the outcome is almost always way better than you expected, period. Okay. The outcome is way better than you expected about a third of the time. So what does this mean? This means that you going, what if it's a disaster? What if this happens? What if she's fallen off a cliff? What if I never hear from her again? What if she doesn't? What if it all works out? See, you don't know, do you? You don't know if you're getting fired. You don't know if you're going to run out of money.

But you can rely on the research that 91% of the time, it doesn't happen, and a third of the 9% of the remaining, it's way better than you thought. And that leaves you with a 6% chance that something might happen. And here's how I look at this. If something bad happens, I will deal with it. Then why do I need to torture myself now when I don't even know if something amazing is happening or something bad is happening? And so what if it all works out, is a way for you to catch yourself, because you and I inflict so much pain. And it is pain. It's pain when you do this to yourself. It was painful to stand in the bathroom here in Salt Lake in my underwear, brushing my teeth, thinking about my daughter's death, and it's completely ridiculous. It's not like, give me a break, Mel. Give me a frickin break. And I know all our fans right now in Australia, New Zealand, are like, oh, she's fine like that. That, that. That is ridiculous, Melanin. It is. It is so fabulous. People do this all the time. They hike that trail. It's wide.

It's this, it's that. I know the mountain you're talking about because she went up for the sunrise. You're completely ridiculous. That's why you need this six word sentence. What if it all works out? Because it will interrupt the spiral. Well, our daughter Kendall is 23 years old. She's a singer songwriter, and she lives out in Los Angeles. And earlier this year, she released her very first single on Spotify. And I gotta say, you showed up. I mean, this podcast family, you are the best. Thank you, thank you. Thank you for listening to Kendall's single pastime, for sharing it with your friends. You helped that song take off, and it's been exhilarating to watch it happen, because she's been working really hard, and it feels like now her career's officially begun. And it's so thrilling because it seems like she's got a lot of momentum. Because of the success of the song, all kinds of cool things started to happen. People in the music industry are reaching out to her. And so as I've been watching all this go down over the last couple of weeks from the east coast, I'm like, oh, my gosh, she is riding the wave.

She is also back in the studio working on some new songs because, like, you know, it's not just one thing that you do that's going to make you successful. You got to keep on doing the reps. And so I'm over here on the east coast while she's on the west coast. I'm like, yeah, go, go, go. And then all of a sudden, she gets an email. Check this out. Inviting her to come to New York City and perform her new single, pastime at Carnegie hall. Holy frickin cow. Oh, my God. Can you believe this? And you're probably thinking, how the heck did she get invited to sing at Carnegie hall? Well, that's a great question. See, a year ago, she met a bunch of incredible musicians at the Newport Folk festival, and she kept in touch with them. One of them reached out and invited her to join them at this incredible concert called the Piano recital at Carnegie hall. It happens once a year. It's produced by Ramey Egan, and if you hadn't heard about it, no big deal. The piano recital is a bunch of renowned musicians. Like, the biggest name there, Mandy Moore.

And side note, Kendall grew up listening to Mandy Moore. I mean, she calls Mandy Moore her, quote, musical mom, because she had Mandy Moore's album wild Hope on repeat. I mean, played that sucker into the ground. So at the piano recital at Carnegie hall, all these renowned musicians show up. They perform two of their original songs. But get this. The only instrument that accompanies them is a piano. Hence, it's called the piano recital. It's a super cool, intimate, stripped down thing. And so when Kendall told me, my first reaction was like, oh, my God. Portal is open. Universe is conspiring. Holy smokies. I cannot believe it. And the second that she called me, I mean, you can already guess what I was, like. I was, like, all over it. I was so excited for her. I was ready to book her a plane ticket, invite our friends and our family, and make dinner reservations. I started to change all of my work commitments so that I could drive down and obviously be in New York when our daughter steps on stage at Carnegie hall. Right? Because obviously she was going to jump in and do it.

And this was happening in seven days from the email invitation. Like, this was game on. We are in the starting gates. Let's frickin go. And so, of course, I'm like, yeah, she's going to reply immediately with a yes, thank you. Because these were all of her friends and musicians that she had met the summer before, and they were asking her to do this event. And in fact, one of them in particular, his name is Phil Cook. I'll talk about him a bit in the story. He's been like a mentor and a friend to her, had already greased the wheels because she had said, hey, look, dude, I've already arranged pastime for you on the piano. We're good to go. I'll send the arrangement to you. I'll accompany you on stage. It's going to be awesome. So the second she told me about the invitation, I'm like, game freaking on. Let's freaking go. That was not her reaction. Her reaction was not, let's go. It was, oh, hell, no. And she let that invitation of a lifetime sit there unanswered for 24 hours. What? What? I was speechless. I couldn't even understand how anyone could stop and think about an opportunity like that.

I mean, you're a singer songwriter. You get this invitation like your friend is. Why wouldn't you just say, oh, hell yes? Oh, my God, thank you. I'm on it. Let's freaking go, mom. Book the plane tickets, get some reservations, call our friends and family. And I want to slow down this part of the story and truly unpack this moment with you, because it's a moment that you've experienced before. So I'm really going to describe it so you can see it. It's a moment where someone in your life isn't reacting the way you thought they should to what you think is good news. It's a moment where someone in your life isn't jumping all over something that you see this incredible opportunity. I know you've been there with someone that you love in this moment, and maybe it's happening in your life right now. Someone in your life, you know, they're looking for a new job, and you just met the perfect person for them to network with. And so you give the contact information and the email and the phone number to this person that you love, and they do nothing. Or someone in your life wants to get in shape, and you've asked them, oh, my gosh, you're so excited.

You're like, let's do this 30 day challenge together. So you text them and say, here's the start date for the challenge. Maybe you've sent them this awesome personal trainer that you love, that you stream classes from, or you told them about the Crossfit box that is in your community that people love and they do nothing. Or the person in your life says that they want to cut back on their drinking, and yet there they are at dinner. I think I'll have a bourbon Manhattan. Or maybe the person that you love has said, oh, I really want to go back to school. I want to apply to nursing school. And you forwarded them this email about this really cool program that you saw, and you can't understand why they haven't acknowledged it. Why haven't they done it? Why is this person that you care about that you see all this potential, and why are they not moving on this opportunity? And the more time that passes, have you noticed you're now in the deep end emotionally because you start to get frustrated and you have all these opinions about what they should do and the opportunity to just grab life by the horns and try out for that travel team or apply to that programmer, do that thing.

It's right there, and they do nothing. When are they going to do something about this? I mean, isn't this what they wanted? And let's really play this moment out. Someone you love turns to you and says to you, you know, it's time. I need to find a new job. And that declaration, I need to find a new job. It opens up this window of time. And a day goes by, and then a week goes by, and then a month goes by, and then there they are standing in their boxers, eating a waffle at 945 on a Wednesday morning, and you're thinking, when are you gonna get going on this? I mean, why do I care about this more than why are you eating a waffle on a Wednesday morning when you could be looking for a job and your anger is rising and you're getting judgy and you're biting your tongue, and you're kind of angrily washing the dishes? You've done that before, right? Where you're trying to, like, signal to somebody that you're mad that they haven't done something in a month. Like, it's the worst. And for 24 hours, that was the moment with me and our daughter.

This opportunity was there, and I could feel the judgment and anger rising up. Why are you not replying? Yes. To this email. And with every hour that goes by, I'm getting mad, and I'm trying not to send a text. You know those texts where you're like, just send a te. Just reply this. Come on. Just jump in. You're like, stop. Because I'm thinking over here. You gotta be kidding me. And it begs the question, why am I getting mad? I'll tell you why I'm getting mad. It's the same reason why you get mad at the people that you love, because you see the potential. You see the possibility. You believe in them. You know how great they are. And it's a bummer when somebody that you love is not rising to the occasion with the same confidence in themselves that you have for them. And so I bite my lip, and I did a really good job. You would pat your friend Mel Robbins on the back, because for 24 hours, I didn't say anything. And then I couldn't stand it anymore. I couldn't stand it anymore. And now I'm starting to get texts from her friend Phil, like, hey, I can't wait to see you.

And I'm like, she hasn't even responded yet. And so I called her, and I said, are you gonna respond to this? She exploded at me. Just like your husband would explode at you as he's standing there in his boxers, eating a waffle on a Wednesday morning. And you're like, are you gonna send out that resume? He would explode at you. Because everybody hates being called out, and you're not even calling them out directly. What everybody hates is being reminded of that you're bigger than your fears. What everyone hates is being reminded that you're avoiding something that you know you want to do. And my daughter no different than anyone else. And you know what she said? She's like, stop pressuring me. I think you want this more than I want this. I think you dream of me being a successful singer because you want this for me. I think this is about you. You're arguing with the wrong person. I was like, whoa, wait a minute. I am living my dream already. I thought this was your dream, to be a singer songwriter performing your songs on some of the biggest stages in the world.

And then she said, well, the problem, mom, is you just assumed I would say yes. And I'm like, of course I did. And then I said the two most important words. I'm confused. I'm confused. Please explain to me how it is that you've always wanted to be a singer songwriter. You do all of this work to get into the number one program in the world for this, the popular music major at USC. You do all of this work to write, record, and release your own single pastime as an independent artist. You have all of this incredible momentum. You are doing all of the work. You get an invitation from people who you love, who are here to support you and help you, and even arrange the piano part of it so you can sing your new song at Carnegie hall. I'm confused. How is this not a yes? She had a very compelling answer. It wasn't a yes because she was afraid. Intellectually, it makes no sense, right? Emotionally, it makes all the sense in the world. That's the disconnect. Intellectually, you see somebody's potential, but the person that you love isn't living. Intellectually, they're living in their emotions.

And she felt unworthy of the opportunity. She wasn't sure she was ready. It wasn't lack of desire that was in her way. It was fear and the paralysis that it creates. And then she started to explain, like, all this stuff that was going on in her mind and in her emotions, like, I don't deserve this. What are my friends who have been working so hard in their music careers gonna think? Like, why did this happen for me? What if I screw this up? I don't think I'm ready for this. Like, this is happening too fast. And this was an enormous takeaway for me and for you about relationships, because you and I easily see the potential in people that we love, and we forget that the people that we love are so overwhelmed by their fears and insecurities. We're the same way. People that love us see our potential. There are plenty of things that you know you should and could be doing, but you're not. And just like you're frustrated with the people that you love standing there in his boxers with the waffle, not sending out the resumes, there are things that you have said that you've wanted in your life that you're not working on either.

And that's why when you love someone and they've declared their goals or their dreams or their desires or their wants to you out loud, whether that's getting a new job or being healthier or cutting back on drinking or running a marathon or growing their business or building a music career, if someone tells you what they want and they're not doing anything about it, or they don't seize the obvious opportunities in front of them, you have a right to feel confused. And I'm here to remind you and ask you to hold space for what your loved one wants, to be a loud advocate for what they want so that you can help them push through the fear. I want you to remind them of their potential and of the possibility and why it's worth it to push through the emotion and work for it. And this is a very different way of approaching it than pressuring somebody. This is not about telling somebody what to do. I mean, I know from experience, and I'm sure you do, too, that pressuring somebody or telling somebody what to do is the fastest way to get them not to do it.

Right. They will do the opposite. So I've already given you a phrase that you can use to help bring clarity without judgment to a situation where someone that you love has declared what they want, but you don't see them doing anything or you see them backing away from the opportunity. Use the phrase I used. I'm confused. Lead with that phrase. Because when you come from a place of confusion, you're not attacking someone else. You're basically putting the spotlight on you. I'm confused here. You're gently pointing out that their behavior is not matching what they said they wanted. Here's an example. You know, I heard you say you wanted to find a new job, and I'm confused because I don't know what you're doing about it. Do you need some help? Or here's another example. I heard you say that you wanted to lose 40 pounds, and I'm confused because I haven't seen you exercising in the last few weeks. Do you need some support? And then let them talk? And here's a piece of advice. When you let them talk after you say, I'm confused, I want you to imagine that they're literally going to throw up on you because you've just poked the beast.

And if fear or insecurity has paralyzed the person you love, the fear and insecurity is going to come out of their mouth first and attack you. So when you go, I'm confused, you're gonna hear, I'm still, it's gonna be like, excuses, defensiveness, I'm busy. How dare you? And just keep going. Anything else? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. You have been busy. Yep. Anything else? Mm hmm. Mm hmm. Anything else? Because what finally will come out is the truth. And the truth is that either they know what they want, but they're scared, or they know what they want, but they don't know how to get started. I mean, that was Kendall's response. She was drowning in insecurity, imposter syndrome, and fear. And when somebody is in the deep end emotionally. You need to throw them a lifeline, and here's how you do it. And this is life lesson number one from this random evening that I spent in New York City. Four words. It's not that deep. It's not that deep. Because somebody deep in their emotions needs to be yanked out of the emotions. And so I want you to use those four words. It's not that deep.

See, when Kendall started talking about her fear. It's Carnegie hall. Oh, my God. It's New York. This. It's in seven days. You can hear how you start to just swirl, right, Kendall? It's not that deep. But, mom, it's Carnegie hall. Um, I'm still here to say it's not that deep. It's an auditorium that happens to be on the corner of 57th and 6th in a town called New York city. It's not that deep. In fact, you didn't even know that the piano concert was happening until you got this email. It's not that deep. Cause no one else knows about it either. And by the way, if you don't post about it on social media or invite any of your friends and family, nobody that you know will be there. It's not that deep. And besides, you've been performing in front of audiences for 15 years. It's not that deep. One of your mentors is performing. It's not that deep. And as I kept saying this phrase, it's not that deep. She laughed, and she's like, you're right. I'm letting my emotions get the best of me. It's not that deep. And she wrote them back and said yes.

And this is a reminder that every situation in life doesn't need to be so damn serious. Everything that you face doesn't need decades of trauma therapy to get through it. The stakes don't need to be so high all the time. But it is so easy, isn't it, to get yourself all worked up in the emotional deep end of your own mind and body. And that's why you need this. Lesson number one. It's not that deep. And I have to credit Kendall, because she's the one that actually taught me this phrase. It's not that deep, mom. It's not that deep. And now I'm using it back on her, which I love even more. And even hearing myself say those four words, it's not that deep. It gives me the space when I said it to her. It's not that deep. Dude, that. Look, Mel, it's not that deep. If she doesn't want to go to New York this coming week and perform at Carnegie hall. She don't have to do it. It's not that deep. There will be other opportunities. You don't need to worry about this. It's not that deep. It relaxes them. It relaxes you.

It lowers the stakes. It allows rational thinking and support to step in. Because the fact is, if she's not ready, she shouldn't do it. If she doesn't want to do it, she shouldn't do it. And if she decides not to do it, it's not that deep. So it also helped me relax into the idea that this is her decision. Let's just get the emotions out of the way. And there's one more thing I want to point out about this first lesson and why it's not that deep will really help you. No one needs pressure from you. They already feel enough of it. Like, let's take the example of looking for a new job. That is a stressful experience. Even if you're excited to find a new job and if you've been laid off and you're looking for a new job, that's even more stressful. So you need the phrase it's not that deep. So you can lower the stakes and keep your composure and your productivity and your momentum and your clear thinking, and you can use it's not that deep to push yourself forward when you start feeling paralyzed, like everything is so high stakes.

No, it's not, dude. It's just a resume. It's not that deep. It's just an interview. It's not that deep. It's just a job offer. It's not that deep. And I can't allow myself to get into the deep end or I'm going to screw myself over. That's why you got to say, it's not that deep. So you keep working towards something and not paralyze yourself. And also so that you can keep your wits about you when things do start to work out so you don't blow up the opportunity by getting too emotional. Same thing's true with dating. Yes, it can be very demoralizing to be out in the dating world and to find yourself asking yourself, why is everybody I'm meeting such a loser. Why does everybody else have a significant other? Not me. When is it going to be my turn to love? Why don't you start saying, you know what, it's not that deep. The fact is, you haven't met the person who's good enough for you yet. That's why you're still single. See, it's not that deep. If you feel overwhelmed, if you feel like the world is coming at you, if you feel like you're spinning a million plates and juggling a million things right now, and you're starting to get concerned because you're dropping balls and you can't figure out what you should focus on first, this video is for you.

I woke up today totally overwhelmed. I got really emotional on a team call because I feel like I'm dropping a million balls right now. This morning, there were a bunch of emails that people had sent me. Hey, did you forget about this? Hey, could you get back to me on this? I got a couple text messages from very close friends of mine that I had promised blurbs to for their books. And I said I would do it. I didn't do it because I'm not organized right now. I'm just dropping balls. I'm overwhelmed. So my husband, Chris, came into the kitchen where I working at that table back there, and had everything spread out, just stuff everywhere. He sat down with a piece of paper, and he forced me to spend an hour with him, basically doing what I call a brain dump, where you dump everything out on paper. But this particular brain dump had a unique structure to it. I want to share it with you because I want you to partner up with somebody, in person or virtual, and do this for each other. So he took out a blank piece of paper.

He had me open up my email and my calendar and go email by email by email, and walk him through one project at a time, what needed to get done, and then he would ask me follow up questions and when would you need to start that, and what help do you need with this? And is there anything else? And what else needs to happen? And he just wrote everything, everything down as we kept going. If there was anything on the list that could be done in a minute, send an email quickly, make the phone call. We just knocked it off, and then we kept going. And as I would bring a sense of urgency to some task, he would say, well, wait a minute. Is this actually a priority today, or can we schedule it for tomorrow? Is this a priority that we could do for next week? Having an objective third party write it all down for you, ask you these questions? It was liberating, absolutely liberating, because half the stuff I've been panicked about, I don't even need to work on until Monday. What happens when things start to stack up is everything starts to feel urgent.

And because you're the one that's starting to feel buried alive underneath all this stuff. It's very, very hard for you to be objective about getting yourself organized again, but having an objective third party there. Game changing, actually. Let's go talk to Chris. Let's talk to Chris and see Chris. Can I ask you a question? He's probably annoyed. I was just talking about how transformative.

That was that you did with me.

See this list that he's got right there? And what would you recommend if other people were doing it? I just said, you got to show up with a blank piece of paper. You ask the other person to go.

Well, why don't you tell us the steps?

Can you tell us the steps that you just did with me?

The only thing I didn't have, other than a pad of paper and a pen was handcuffs. That would have been.

Why would you say that?

I think, what? Other than a pad of paper and a pen? It took extreme discipline to just listen and wait and listen and wait. Be patient and listen and just keep trying to keep you on task from email to email just so that you can get it out. I don't know. I don't relate to it like rocket science. The hardest part is actually just sitting.

Down with somebody and asking for help.

Yeah. And putting up with whatever they need to do or process or be anxious about and bite your lip and just keep going. I'm glad you found it helpful, extremely.

Helpful, such that you're now making a video relaxing. I know it's not on the. I know it's not on the list of things I was supposed to do today, but I was just inspired because it was incredibly helpful to have some objective person help me get out of the spinning analysis paralysis that I was in around feeling overwhelmed by everything that I need to do.

Well, that's also half the battle with you and I, because I'm not sure you always perceive me to be the. The objective party, because I have.

This is getting into marriage counseling now, so I think we're gonna end the video right now. Okay. Goodbye, everybody. Just get a partner and get a blank pad of paper, and you listen for your friend or loved one. Write everything down. Ask lots of questions, bite your lip. Be patient. Have them get it out, get it out, get it out. Help them stay focused, and then swap and do the same. There you have it. Let us know if that helps you stop feeling paralyzed and overwhelmed. What's your name?

Delaney.

Hi, Delaney.

Hi. Um, I wanted to start off by saying I listened to your segment with Alex, to those feeling lost in your twenties.

Oh, yeah, she's talking about call her daddy.

You can't call me out like that at work.

Yes, you can, girl. That is the number one female hosted podcast in the world.

Yeah, but I wanted to say, you said earlier, in terms of the five second rule, the easiest part is knowing what you need to do. I feel like I've been a little overwhelmed lately. What would you say? Or the biggest piece of advice when you don't know what you need to do before you say 5 seconds, are.

You talking about work or are you talking about life in general or.

I think all of the above.

Right. Great question. How many can relate to this? Excellent. Okay, so when it comes to work, a really great habit to get into, especially as y'all are making this big turn, is try to have a quick alignment meeting with the person you report to every Monday and just go over what's on your plate and recheck in about what are the strategic objectives for this week so that you're aligned with what the person who you're approaching. Because I'll give everybody the super simple secret, other than visibility for being a rock star at work, make your boss's life easier. Literally, you make the person that you report to's life easier because you're getting stuff done and you're solving problems. And here's the most important thing, you're communicating about what's getting done. You literally are a superstar because your boss is just as overwhelmed as you are. And so if you just touch base, even if you can't get a meeting and you send the 17 things on your plate, say, I'm a little overwhelmed. I just want to make sure that I know what the priority is this week because it is changing all the time, because they're responding as much as you are.

That's number one. Number two, at the end of the week on Fridays, send a short email saying, this got done, this got done. This got done. This got done. This got done. And here are the things I'm going to need your help with on Monday. You keep somebody in the loop like that, they will help you create rails that keep you very focused and feeling more sure about what you're working, working on. Okay, so that's number one, ask for help. Do not try to figure that out on your own. Number two, when it comes to feeling lost in life and overwhelmed in life, always go back to your morning routine. Always go back to your morning routine. And there are two rules that I have for my morning routine. Everybody hates them, nobody follows them. It changes your life. Number one, do not sleep with your phone. Do not sleep with your phone. And the reason why I say do not sleep with your phone is because we're all addicted to it. If you were addicted to cocaine or alcohol, you wouldn't put it on your bedside table. But, you know, you literally go to bed, and then before you're even out of bed, you literally doing this, and you're like, oh, my God.

Oh, my God, oh, my God. And, like, if you're laying in bed reading work emails or looking at Facebook, you literally just let your boss, sorry, Tia, and all of your friends on Facebook walk in your bedroom. And more importantly, you let the world hijack your mind. So before you're even vertical, you are stressed out, overwhelmed. That one change, which you're not going to want to do, will solve the problem of overwhelm. And here's what I do. I plug my phone into the bathroom every night because it solves two problems. Number one, when that alarm goes off, now I'm really screwed because it's not next to me, so I have to get out of bed. Number two, the phone's not there. So as I wake up and I walk to the bathroom, I'm so mad at myself. But by the time I get to the bathroom, I'm now awake enough that I can turn the alarm off and flip the phone over. I don't pick it up. I don't do it. Even if I post things in the morning, I do that after I take 30 minutes for myself. What do I do in those 30 minutes?

Well, I do all the stuff that, you know, that makes you feel better. I literally journal for a second. I move my body. This is a life changer. If you literally just work out for ten minutes in the morning, it can be enough. I eat something healthy. I have a cup of coffee. I set my intention for the day. I think about the one thing I want to make progress on, and only then do I then pick up that phone. Then I let the world in. And by getting myself right with myself and setting myself up and giving myself 30 lousy freaking minutes to start the day, to clear my head, to think about what I want out of the day, to take care of myself just a little bit, now I'm in a better place. Now I'm able to do it. And then there's one more exercise that's kind of a spin on the person you want to be. So my daughter is 23 and had a really rough time with COVID The last two years of her college imploded because of COVID And she left college basically depressed, really unhealthy, drinking way too much.

And she, like, had a meltdown. And so she said, I sat down with her and her and, you know, my husband, and we just were talking with her, and I said, here's what I want you to do. If you ever feel overwhelmed or lost, I want you to draw a line down the center of a paper. And I want you to think back. When was a moment in my life where I felt happy, and I felt like I was happy about where my life was headed. And so my daughter said, senior year in high school. And I said, great. What were you doing then? What was life like then? She's like, well, I was getting up early. I was going to school. I saw my friends every day. I was playing lacrosse. So I exercised six days a week. I was only drinking two nights a week. I had something to look forward to. I'm like, great. Now let's write down what your life looks like right now. I'm sleeping till noon. My friends have all left and started their lives. I drink every day. I'm not exercising. I'm like, great. Compare the lists. You are wired for happiness.

You're wired for clarity. You are wired for success. That's why you miss it when you don't have it. You can only miss something. You know the answers are in there. And so, like we've said with a lot of the things, even though it's overwhelming, there are ways, simple ways, that you can solve this. Go to your boss, start getting aligned, get direction, and then do what they tell you to do. That'll give you the structure right there. Ask for help, always. Second thing is, go inside and take a look at what your habits looked like and your days looked like when you felt a little bit more in control, when you felt like yourself. And then compare with what you're doing now. Come back to your morning routine, and you will set yourself up to have a day that feels like you're in control and that'll change everything. That was a great question. Hi. You did it. Yes.

Thank you. My friend group, we're big fans. We're transitioning just out of college right now. So, yeah, your podcast with Alex was great timing for me.

What did you get out of that conversation that I had with Alex?

I got, especially the relationship one. I don't know how you said it, but kind of I need to fix who I am first, because, like, a relationship is kind of like a mirror of what you're feeling, in a way.

Even worse a relationship amplifies.

Yeah.

So if you go after that person and you're feeling insecure, and so you're chasing that person, that's the hot guy. If he only, or she, or even if the person ends up being with you, you're actually going to feel insecure because you didn't enter the relationship feeling good about yourself. So you're a thousand percent right. Work on yourself first, because then you bring that to every relationship, and then the relationship is just additive to you versus amplifying the crap that you're trying to. And I only know that after really screwing things up in my twenties and thirties, like, literally disaster, I would attach myself to people in order to prove that I was okay. And it just made me feel worse about myself because I needed them to feel okay. So when the relationship broke up, I crumbled.

I want to share a surprisingly simple thing that you can do in order to deal with overwhelm. And the reason why I say that this is surprising is because whenever you feel overwhelmed, isn't it true that the last thing that you want to do.

Is take on anything else?

You're sort of like, I can't do one more thing. I barely have time to go the bathroom. I'm so overwhelmed. And that's why what I'm about to recommend is incredibly surprising. Because this is going to seem like it's super counterintuitive as a solution based on research and based on, for sure, my personal experience as a solution to moments in time where you feel overwhelmed by life or by the world or.

Bye.

What you're facing now, what is that surprisingly simple solution as a way to deal with overwhelm? Well, the surprisingly simple solution is to take on a simple little challenge that you're going to take on every day. You're going to take on something that aligns with growth and change. It pushes you forward and it gives you something to look forward to every day. Because part of the reason why overwhelm is so debilitating is because when you're overwhelmed, your focus is scattered across absolutely everything.

And you're thinking about your family and.

Your health and the news and the this and the that and the presentation and the emails you didn't do. And at the end of the day, each and every one of those things is not really that important. There's probably, can we agree one, two or three things a day that really matter that really need your attention? And the reason why we get so freaking overwhelmed with life is we allow our attention to get scattered and to get pulled in a bazillion different directions. And the solution to feeling more in control and to literally dealing with overwhelm, which is just an overwhelming amount of things that really, most of which are not that all important to you, but they're just distracting you, which then pulls your attention away from what really matters. You see, I'd rather have you do two or three things a day that really matter to you and let the rest just kind of fall where they fall. Right. And so the surprisingly simple way to deal with overwhelm is to pick one thing that you're going to focus on every day for you. Like, no matter what, you're going to do this thing, you're going to add a little structure.

You're going to add something that you're committing to as a way to laser your focus on something that's in your control. It's absolutely awesome how this works. So I'm going to give you an example. When my husband first got diagnosed with depression, he became very overwhelmed. And what I noticed is that he decided to take this online fitness challenge that's a little bit more than I'm telling you that you should do, but he did this fitness mental toughness challenge, told 75 hard. And even though it was a pain and even though it was hard, having this challenge to focus on as something he had chosen that he was going to commit to every day, gave his life a simple structure that had a.

Lot of things that were distracting him.

Fall to the wayside.

Same thing happened with our daughter.

She became very overwhelmed after she graduated from college, did not know what she wanted to do. She was in a really unhealthy place and committing to a simple set of new, healthy habits that really were things she could control. And committing to doing it for three months, it gave her this real discipline around focusing on what mattered to her. And the overwhelm started to disappear because when you create a simple structure for yourself and you say, you know what I'm going to do this week? No matter what, this week I'm just going to get up when the alarm rings and I am going to move my body for 30 minutes, and that is the simple structure I am going.

To put in place for me.

And the reason why simple structures like this are so important is because in a sea of this, which is what overwhelm is like, all this stuff you're like, nope. There is one thing that I am going to do for myself today, and that is the thing that I am going to focus on. And when you give yourself a simple structure, because you decided you're going to work on one thing. It puts on, like, blinders. Have you ever seen horses that get those blinders kind of on that? Like it is focusing your attention on something that matters to you and that one surprisingly simple thing. Give yourself a simple structure of one.

Thing you're going to do every single.

Day that gives you something to look forward to, that gives you a way to anchor in a sea of chaos and distraction. And you know that if you could just move your body for 30 minutes a day, or if you just got up and you journaled every morning, or if you just meditated for ten minutes a day and you were going to commit to doing that. A simple structure. And interesting, I see Pam saying, mel, those little things, you know what it does? It keeps a horse from spooking because there's nothing coming at them this way. And isn't it true that life feels like it's coming at you like this? So a simple structure that you put in place, that's something you're excited about. You're empowered by that you just want to do just because a challenge, it raises your gaze. It raises your gaze from this crap and all this stuff. And it laser focuses you on one thing that you can control, that you're.

Going to do for you.

And I'll tell you, it never fails. The second that I feel overwhelmed, I guarantee you my simple structures. Getting up on the alarm rings, high fiving the mirror, moving my body for 30 minutes, journaling. Picking one thing to make progress on, drinking my water. Like all the reaching out to front, that stuff goes by the wayside. The simple structure, which you don't want to put in place because you're so.

Overwhelmed and you can't handle one more thing.

It's actually exactly what you need. And it's also a reason.

I'm so glad you guys are getting.

Something out of this quick pep talk because I was thinking a lot about this today. I was driving into Boston. We're looking at office space. We've got a ton of stuff going on. Project with audible. We're going down to New York. This. I'm so overwhelmed, I started to cry in the back seat of the car heading in, and I'm just, I just said to the person sitting, I don't think I can do all that. I just can't do all this. And then I thought, oh, my God, I know what's missing. The simple structures that I put in place for me, the simple structures that always make me feel a little bit more in control, they've literally gone by the wayside because I have allowed myself to get so overwhelmed. And the way that you slice through the overwhelm and you take control again is I want you to say one thing in the comments. One simple thing that you could add into your day.

Is it 30 minutes of exercise?

Is it a walk outside? Is it meditating? Is it getting up when the alarm rings? Is it cutting out alcohol for the week? Is it spending ten minutes working on a project you've been avoiding? What is one thing that you could add back in as a simple structure? For me, it always comes back to this.

When I'm overwhelmed, I got to go.

Back to the basics.

When people write in and say, I'm stuck, I don't know what to do with my life, the first thing is.

You limit the options. You don't take the indecisive to 31 movies. You take them where there's only a couple. You don't bring them to a smorgasbord buffet because they'll sit and they go, oh, my God, look at all the food you go eat. Okay. No. You limit the options for the indecisive. Do the math. As they say, there are pro and con lists, also not considered effective. But if you do this twist to pro and con list, it works. You create the pros and cons con list. And don't just look at which one's longer. Look at within that list. Which items do you value? What's more important, the pro list may be short, all right, but it has things that you value more than the con. And this may sound odd, but take your time. In other words, make an informed decision. Don't stall, ponderous pause, but produce. If you want to walk on water, you got to get out of the boat. If you want to succeed, you've got to take that risk. And so what would you fail? So what? Okay. Okay.

What happens in your brain when you procrastinate?

Why are you going there? Okay, we just said it's learned. Why are you looking for the physiological explanation? Because, first of all, we don't know.

Okay?

All right. And I don't mean to do that just because I'm a pump his butt. It's also the truth. Let's stop turning for the excuse that, you know, there's a brain thing going on, and therefore, that's why I procrastinate. If you're going to do that, then you're not going to change, and that's okay. I mean, you have a right to live in misery as one wants to.

I think it's incredibly encouraging that it's learned, because I agree with you. That means you can change it. And I also heard you loud and clear. Forget the time management crap. Based on the research, none of that stuff is going to work for you if this is something that you're chronically doing. And you also said very clearly, there is no short list, there is no quick fix, there is no top ten tips when it comes to procrastination, because this is about the story you've told yourself, the habits that you've formed and that you avoid, avoid, avoid or seek pleasure instead of doing whatever the hell it is that you need to do, and it's become a habit. What's the link between perfectionism and procrastination?

There is a link, but they are separate concepts. It all goes down to that failure. You see, that perfectionistic person has to believe that I do well all the time. I've got to be perfect. It could be, as I said, others imposing this to me, society imposing this to me, or it could be I'm concerned about my failures. So again, it's multidimensional. All right? Procrastination is also concerned about the failure, and so I want to avoid it. Avoidance strategy that society says is okay. It all has to do with failure and that public image.

I think a lot about the person listening and the ache that you live with when you can't get out of your own fucking way. We're in 194 countries. Most of the people listening either can't afford the PhD cognitive behavioral therapy program that you're talking about. And so for a person who really is aching because they are, in their own way, they see themselves sabotaging. What can somebody that doesn't have access to what you're talking about do in their own life after hearing this, what are the baby steps?

Start small. First of all, what you're doing is you're looking at the forest and you're missing that the forest is made up of trees.

Okay?

You know, there's that old expression, don't miss the forest because you focus on the trees. That's not the procrastinators problem. It's the other way around. They see the forest. Oh, my God. This is a huge task. Holy cow. I can't get all of this done. And they forget that the forest is made up of trees. So, listener, viewer. All right, it's made up of trees. And so what if you cut down one tree at a time? Oh, that's too much for you. Then let's give me three branches. You can't do three branches. I'll take a handful of leaves. Start small. Do something. And so what if you fail? So what? This is what cognitive therapists would ask you to do. What would be the worst scenario?

Let me give you some examples of things that people listening to me to do.

The street corner. Street corner therapy.

No, no, no. I am not. You just told us to look at the trees. That is a concept. And I am on a mission to break down intellectual topics and research and conceptual ideas into tactical takeaways so that somebody knows what the hell you're talking about. When you say, I don't want the cures, that's bullshit. What I want is I want just one step. Because I see people writing in every day, listening to conversations between PhDs or people that are talking at a level that is all academic. But when you finish listening to this podcast, doctor Ferrari, I don't want somebody to feel worse because they don't know what a tree means in their life. And so if somebody writes in and says, I procrastinate on working out, and it's chronic, like, this is one thing that really bothers me. What would a tree be in that example?

Sure. I take exception. I'm known in 40 years of teaching to take the jargon and to make it the street wise.

I think you do. I'm taking it a step further because I don't have a ph talk. I don't think it is either. You don't need to get offended. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm just. I am the advocate for the person listening.

Absolutely. So am I.

Who?

Okay. I would say that person is giving us that 80%. I asked the person first, is this the only thing is working out? The only thing you procrastinate on? Do you procrastinate in other areas of your life? And if they start telling me, well, yeah, no, I do that. And yeah, that's true, too. And I like to do that, then I say, okay, now, then you're moving from that procrastinator to procrastinating to the procrastinator state. And that's something different. And I understand that some of you, many of you, can't afford a good professional to help you through that. I understand that. Don't look at it. Time management, that's one of the. I gave a number of takeaways, but I think one of them is, don't think. You just have to manage your time. That's not going to work for you. It's like dieting. You'll start in the beginning, but you'll give it up. The person who doesn't exercise. Can you make something you like to do? I said this before, something you like to do. Reinforce that you'll exercise. I don't like working on a treadmill. So when I'm on the treadmill, I'm reading my prayers.

I know it'll take me about a good 20 minutes to do that. And so I can get at least 20 minutes of exercise. Pair it with something you don't like to do. That would be my street corner answer to that one. Does that help?

I think it really helps when you take that beautiful analogy of you can see the big picture, but you can't focus every day on one freaking tree. Is there something, and I hear all of the advice. The parrot with something that you enjoy. Break it down.

Yeah. It's all part of self care. Show care to yourself. Listener, please. All right. You've got to make time. Take time for yourself. Now. The next day, do a little bit more. Make love. A habit of the heart. Wow. Last week I only spent two minutes on it. This week I'm up to seven minutes. Now you could say only seven minutes. I say, wow. Yahoo. That's seven minutes more than you did before.

How do you know if you're making an excuse or you have a valid reason?

That is such a wonderful question. Why are you shopping now instead of later? And that was fascinating because I found two categories of these. Procrastinators, excuse makers. Some of them attributed to themselves. While I'm shopping now, because I can't decide on gifts, I really don't like shopping. It's really unpleasant for me. So it's my fault. Self reasons, so people will give external excuses, not my fault. That cannot be verified, that cannot be judged by other people. So you say, how do you judge? And so therefore, these people will give us excuses that can't be judged by others to be true or false. So that's fascinating.

You know what I found fascinating about that? Is that when you said the excuse is aimed at you, it's my fault. That made my heart sink. Because when you always aim it at yourself, I would imagine that that makes you feel even more stuck or more ashamed or more beaten down.

Yes. You know, make a change. Yes, you're absolutely right. The self devaluing the self criticism, it can be paralyzing and demoralizing, and it's just not right. People shouldn't be doing that. It'll take you a while, but it can happen.

Hey, it's Mel. Thank you so much for being here. If you enjoyed that video, by God, please subscribe because I don't want you to miss a thing. Thank you so much for being here. We've got so much amazing stuff coming. Thank you so much for sending this stuff to your friends and your family. I love you. We create these videos for you, so make sure you subscribe. Bye.