Transcript of Can A Narcissist Find True Love? | Mel Robbins Clips

Is there any way for a narciss to find true love with a partner? I mean, like a personality type that a narciss could be with, where both people are happy?

So now we get into philosophy, right? What is love? Is there a universal definition? And the problem is, no, there's not. I think probably the most powerful thing people could do by their third date... You know how you go to the doctor, they make you sign the informed consent? Yes. I wish we had that for love. Say, put your piece of paper in front of someone. This is my definition of love. Because their definition of love is very transactional, and they're not aware of what their definition of love. Their definition of love is basically, I'm going to swallow you up whole. You are going to be for me. It's a very romantic, passionate definition of love. What they're not good at is long term companionate love. So this idea of true love, with all the depth that's implied, the mutuality, the reciprocity, the better or worse, the be standing at someone's side, even when they get older or need care or need help or are starting to get more successful than you, all the things that would throw a narcissistic person off. I would say the short answer to that question is probably not on the basis of what we consider healthy love to be.

Theirs is a much, much more shallow, shallow definition. For them, love is very romantic, very passionate, very flash in the pan, very crush. That's what it is. It's not the deep, deep stuff.

It's not give and take is what I've learned from you.

It's not only not give and take, it's not good times and bad. And it's also very status-conscious and appearance-conscious. This is why you see, again, when a person who has been through a 30-year marriage with kids then trades in for a 27-year-old partner and they're 60, what exactly are they talking about? If you all didn't watch the same shows in high school, you got nothing to talk about.

Based on everything that you've taught us and that I've learned from your work, when I read between the lines of this question, which I probably shouldn't, is there any way for a narcissist to find true love? I Imagine somebody who is holding out hope that there could be a possibility.

Or fear. Or fear. That the narcissist will go on and find true love with someone new, because that's the big fear of people who are left. The narcissistic person, you're with someone, right? Yeah. Narcissistic person leaves, they find new supply right away. Immediately. Right? Okay. And you're, of course, going through a real grief process, so you're struggling with it. The big fear is now they found their new person, are they going to change for the new person? Are they going to be better for the new person? Are they going to find true love for the new person? That's how I read that question. And the answer to that is no. I watched someone go through this a couple of years ago, had a very up and down, narcissistic relationship with someone, went on for years, yada, yada, yada. And then they break up, and inside of a few months, he meets someone new. Soulmate, soulmate, soulmate, soulmate, do you know what you mean? Bing, bing, bing, alarm signs. And they get engaged in two months. And the person was still struggling, was having trouble meeting people, and was just having a dark night of the Soul, and this person seems like they moved on.

And it was of little solace to this person who was left that this is not... And there's no depth. This is all performative. For narcissistic people, love is performative. And this is where the social media has changed things, right? Because the performative love relationship is very much a staple of Instagram. Look how happy we are. Look how cute we are. We're van lifeing, we're traveling. We're so great in love. My lovey bear lovey. Never in my life could there be a hero like you. You are my love hero. And then these foules break up in three months. Nobody goes from love hero to broken up. This whole thing was It's a lie. So again, every therapist knows. The more they gush about the relationship on social media, the more it's a train wreck. And so it's performative.

How do you deal with a narcissist who won't accept your boundaries? My mom is a narciss, and Whenever I try to set a boundary, she will act receptive or understanding it first. Then an hour or two later, she will change her mind, reject my boundary request. Unfortunately, the minute you disagree with her or upset her, she tries to, quote, punish you by cutting you out of her life.

Right. So setting boundaries with narcissistic people is akin to hugging a porcupine. It's really a bad idea, and it's a fool's errand, right? I'm tired of people giving guidance to people. Set boundaries.

Wait, aren't we supposed to?

Not with narcissists. You set them with everybody else. But this is a pointless endeavor, and all it does is create more friction in this drama this person's having with their mother who is silent, treatmenting and being sullen and all these other things. So this idea of setting boundaries with a narcissistic person, I always say it's an inside job. If you say to them, I don't want you to talk about this. I don't want you to come this. You are basically inviting them to do that thing because they know they can mess with you. All right? So unless you want to spend the remainder of your time on this planet getting into a power struggle with them, which I just said, you cannot win, then your better bet is to set an internal boundary, which is, I now know that these topics are off limits. I know that if I invite this person to this event, this is going to happen, so I'm going to have to figure out an alternative. I know if I make a reservation with them for dinner, they're going to show up 25 minutes late, so I need to make a reservation at that place that seats us when we're not yet a complete party.

Some people say, Well, you're enabling the narcissist. You're actually not because there's no setting a boundary with them, and you want to have the dinner, and you may have to invite them. But at At least you all can start eating. And when they come in and say, How dare you start with us. We said to come at 7:00. You didn't come at seven. They seated us. We started eating. You set a boundary.

I love that distinction because you're right. When you say, I'm going to set a boundary with somebody who's narcissistic, it implies that you're going to tell them about it. Yeah. Versus you're just saying, just understand the situation for what it is, understand the person is not changing, recognize the patterns, and set this boundary with yourself. For me, the one that I have in my life with a particular person is it's a three-night limit.

That's right.

That's exactly. Because by day four, this person gets prickly.

Mel, you would never say to that person, We have a three-night limit. No. Oh my God, no. But that would be what a lot of people say, Well, if a person is saying things that offend you, you need to say, That thing you're saying is offending me. Tiger's cage. Try Try that with a narcissist. Call me up. Let me know how that works. Yeah.

I also don't set the boundaries that are like, I don't talk about politics with you because you're an absolutely irrational freak that then dominates the conversation. If anybody asks a question or tries to offer a different point of view. I set a boundary with myself. I get up from the table. I don't engage.

That's right.

That you don't engage. Because I know exactly what's about to happen. I have no hope of it being different. I have accepted it. I I set the boundary. I don't engage in this stuff.

I remove myself. That's a boundary. Not what this poor person, unfortunately, is trying to do the impossible with the mother and will be forever disappointed.

Because if you go, Mom, let's not talk about... Why? You don't want to talk about politics because you don't like that? We all know how that goes. Yep. Got it. Internal boundaries only everybody.

I say boundaries are an inside game.

I love that. My father is a narcissist, have not talked to him in five years. I would like to reopen the door, but I'm terrified I'm going to get hurt. How do I protect myself?

Well, he's going to hurt you. So the question is, if you're prepared for it... So you have to ask yourself, what's your agenda after five years? What are you hoping for? If you think that in five years... Because what's happened to this person in five years, Mel, they've healed.

Or Why not?

There's two levels. There is the deeper soul healing that may have happened, but I want you to think of it as somebody's had a massive surgery that was going to be difficult to heal from. And When they're in the midst of the acuity of it, they're like, I am never going to be able to walk again. And then five years in, they're like, I'm running up the stairs. And so now she's running up the stairs. But what might still be happening is that internally, there's still... Now, when you're running up the stairs again, euphoric recall, we forget what it's like. This is why this icklist becomes a living document that matters.

Remind everybody of the icklist.

The icklist is a list you make of all the terrible things that are being said and done in that relationship. Everything from ruined to lie to me about who my parent was, to when I asked for a loan that would have made a difference, didn't give it to me, and I'm still paying off the extortionate loan I got, to insult my children's weight. Write it. I'll cheat it on me with my best friend. Whatever's on your list, write it down. When you think possibility of changes, you need to look at that and say, why would I even interact with this person? But in this case, after five years, some people may say, I I know this person's limitations, but do you really, do you really... If this person is going to say hurtful things again, so you have to ask yourself, if this person comes at me again, will I be able to withstand this, or will this take a toll on me? That's a question only they can answer. Some work I tend to do in therapy with clients is we play it out as a role play.

People on the internet are diagnosing other people with narcissism. Correct. What you're here to say is that this is a personality style that is maladaptive, that hurts other people.

Setting boundaries with narcissistic people is akin to hugging a porcupine. Show me a 35-year-old narciss, and I will show you someone who was horrible as a teenager.