Transcript of 7 Tips To Overcome Social Anxiety That Affects Our Everyday Life | Mel Robbins

Before you label yourself as someone who has social anxiety, have you ever considered maybe you're just bad at small talk and you hate being fake at big gatherings? Is it possible? I mean, it does make you stop and wonder. We've all had that feeling on a Friday night or late on a Saturday where you've made plans. And then all of a sudden, as it gets closer and closer to you needing to get off the couch or to head home from whatever it was that you were doing and dressed and get ready to go out again, you start to feel this heaviness and this dread in your body, right? You've had that feeling before. You're like, oh, do I have to go to that birthday party? Oh, do I really want to go to that fundraiser or out to the bar tonight? Why did I say yes to this? Well, before you start to label yourself as somebody who has anxiety, social anxiety, right? I want you to stop and consider the difference between social anxiety and just actually not liking big parties. Seriously, I'm going to teach you the difference in this video. So if you're struggling with a form of social anxiety, all of that behavior that you feel, that dread that you feel, right?

That heaviness that hits you right before you're about to go out, if it's social anxiety, all of that heaviness and that dread, it is literally triggered by the fear of doing it. You start to think about what's going to go wrong. You're scared that something is going to go wrong. You start to get nervous about what's going to happen, right? It's this feeling of intense dread. That's kind of the feeling of what it's like to have anxiety about social situations. And here's the irony of the thing. You may actually want to go to that birthday party, you may actually want to go to the concert, you may want to go out to the bar tonight to your friends, but you feel this dread kick in as you think about doing it. Okay? That's anxiety caused by social situations. The other thing that I mentioned is maybe you just hate small talk, right? Maybe you hate being fake. That's me. And that's not a feeling of dread. The avoidance that you're feeling, this resistance to going is due to dislike, not dread, dislike. Big difference between anxiety caused by social settings and simply being somebody like me.

I hate small talk. I hate pretending that I'm interested when I'm not that interested. I hate big group settings. I'm really more of the kind of one on one small group, deeper, more intimate conversations. Kind of gal. And so before big parties, I just kind of get this, like, ugh, do I really want to do this? Because I'm not the kind of person that likes what's required to go to a big networking event. So here's a surprising fact. You may feel the dread, the fear, the kind of anxious feelings that come with a big social situation, but you may still want to go. And that's how you also know that this is probably more in the lane of fear and dread and anxiety than it is just disliking small talk. You know, if you're thinking about, like, I'm going to embarrass myself or what if this happens? Or what if that happens, or what if I have to go to the bathroom, or what if my face turns red, or what if this, or what if that, or what if I see that person? That's more dread, that's more fear, and that's more in the lane of anxiety.

So the next time you're in a situation, I'm going to give you some questions in order for you to help yourself flush this out a little bit more. Okay. Before you're like, oh, for sure, Mel Robbins. It's fear, it's dread. It's definitely a form of some sort of anxiety that I'm feeling. Just take a minute for a second and ask yourself this. Is the reluctance and the resistance that you feel? Is it just a sign that you prefer to be home not because home feels safe, but because you just like being home by yourself better? That's number one. The next thing that you should ask yourself is, does the nervousness or the dread of the resistance that you feel just mean that you're the kind of person that likes deeper conversations? You prefer to be around two or three people. You're not the kind of person that loved being at fraternity parties when you were younger or loved the big social scene that it just is sort of like, ugh, I could do without that. Like, I'm going to be happier if I never do one of those things again. Or is the nervousness and resistance more because you're afraid something bad's going to happen?

See if it's something bad's going to happen, that's more in the lane of dread. Right? If it's more in just like, I just kind of have a preference here. It's not that I think something bad's going to happen. I just prefer something else, which is where the resistance come from. Here's another question that you can ask yourself. Are you nervous because you're going to see people from your past or see people that you think judge you, or because you're going to be put in a situation where you feel like you're going to have to explain yourself. Now, it may surprise you to know that I'm somebody who feels all of these things. I just prefer to stay home. You know, I bitch all the time that I don't have a great social life, but the truth is, I kind of prefer to stay home. I feel like I'm missing out when I see everybody at these big parties. But then I think, well, actually, I don't really have fun at those things. You know, I was just with my best friend from childhood this weekend on a business trip. We often meet up and see one another while we're on the road working.

And she said to me, she said, you know, Mel, a lot of people don't know this about you, but you're actually kind of a shy person. You know, I know that you have this big Persona and you can get on a stage, and you seem to be very outgoing and energized by talking to people. But the truth is, the Mel Robbins that most people don't know, you're like a shy person. You kind of stick to yourself. You've had the same friends for a very long time. You're not somebody that's ever out and about, and at lots of different parties, you kind of keep your circle tight. And so I'm telling you this because I think that oftentimes, if you're extroverted in your work or extroverted in some aspects of your life, you put pressure on yourself to be extroverted everywhere. The truth is, even though I'm very extroverted in my work, I'm a homebody at heart. And, you know, my husband is very introverted. And that just means, by the way, if you're introverted, that you get your energy drained when you're around people. I tend to have my energy amplified when I'm working and I'm around people.

But the second I'm done working, I just want to go home and sit on the couch, if you know what I mean. And so whenever Chris and I, Chris being the introvert, me being sort of extroverted, but I really, you know, kind of prefer small gatherings. Whenever we get invited anywhere, we're both so excited to see people that we like. But if it's a party that's bigger than, like three or four couples, I always feel this resistance to going. And it's not because I'm nervous. And it's not because I think something's going to go wrong. And it's not because I'm running through scenarios in my head that would be an indication of some anxious feeling about social gatherings. I just have this kind of weird resistance because I know I would prefer to be at a smaller gathering. That's it. It's a preference because I can't stand small talk and I can't stand pretending to be interested when I'm really not that interested. And so I prefer deep conversations with just a handful of people. And don't get me wrong, I mean, every once in a while, every one of us needs a massive blowout with a DJ and a dance party and an all out, just amazing time with a big group of people.

But just the small talk thing, not my thing. So if you're sitting there going, hmm, you know, Mel, as you're talking about this and I'm thinking about what I feel as I'm pulling up to a big party, it's not a preference. It's really about dread. It's not that I favor smaller group, it's that I'm actually afraid of larger social situations. And typically what happens when you're dealing with anxiety that stems from a fear of social situations is the fear is triggered by this opinion that something bad's going to happen, that you're going to face some sort of rejection, that people are going to judge you. And if this is the case, you are dealing with something that you really should get some help with because you may actually want to join the crowd. But it's your nerves and it's your fear of rejection and judgment that keeps you from doing it. And so here are some, like, quick signs that this is you. Number one, you feel anxious because you think something embarrassing is going to happen. Or maybe in the past you had something embarrassing happen. And so it's sort of. You relive it over and over and over again in your mind as you're about to step into another situation.

That's similar. When you are at a party, you avoid talking to people that you don't know or have never met or don't know well. Another thing that you might find is that you start to fixate and worry about things that we all do, like forgetting somebody's name or sneezing in the middle of a class or everybody suddenly turning and looking at you and you forgetting what you were going to say and then your face turning bright red. You know, maybe you are worried because you're worried about going to the bathroom while you're at this big party because you have nerves about having to go to the bathroom in public. That's actually pretty common. Maybe you find that you're at these parties, but you're fidgeting and your leg is shaking, or that you're constantly looking at your phone, you're constantly gripping your phone instead of being at the party. You are managing your fear about what's going to happen or something bad happening by burying yourself in your phone and texting people who aren't there. Or finally, you are fixated on the idea that everybody is thinking about you and that you assume that people don't like you.

If these are starting to be like, God, that's me. Every time I do go to the bar, I'm assuming people are judging me. Wow. When I get invited to a birthday party party, I have this weird feeling that they actually didn't want me there. This isn't you disliking something. This is dread and fear that falls into the zone of anxiety around social settings. So, you know, what do you do? Rule number one, understanding it is super important. So rule number one is you just gotta name it. And I don't want you to say, I'm anxious. I have social anxiety. I want you to say, I'm feeling anxious whenever I'm in a social setting. Because you are not. Your thoughts and feelings. And when you name what you're feeling and you say, I'm feeling anxious, whenever I step into a social setting, something really cool happens. And this is a study that was in the upward spiral. And what they found is that when you put your feelings into words, namely you start saying, I feel this nerves and this fear and this anxiousness in a social setting, Rather than going I'm anxious and labeling yourself, when you put your feelings into words, something really interesting happened.

So the second they did this study where they had people take a look at photographs of folks that were having really emotional facial expressions. And what happens is if you look at the photograph of somebody who's like, ah, well, your amygdala in your brain immediately activated and read the emotions in the picture. But as soon as you're asked to name the emotion you're seeing, oh, I see anger, the ventral lateral prefrontal cortex turns on and it reduces the emotional amygdala reactivity. In other words, by consciously recognizing and naming the emotions. This is so cool. When you name the emotion I'm feeling afraid, nervous or anxious about this thing, naming it reduces the impact internally that you feel from that Emotion. Pretty cool, huh? So number one, you are going to name what you're feeling instead of labeling yourself with it. The second thing that you can do is you can tap into cognitive behavioral therapy techniques. And that just involves making changes to the way that you think and feel about a situation. So what you're going to do is you're going to identify patterns of thinking that cause you to want to avoid social interaction.

So for example, if you tell yourself nobody wanted me here anyway, and then you fixate on it, or you. Another example might be that the last time you went to a party, your dress ripped and it was really embarrassing and now you think about it every time you go to a party. When you identify the pattern of thinking that makes you then feel bad. What you can do is you can then adopt more positive self talk to encourage and coach yourself through that fear. The third thing that you can do, you're going to hate this, but it's called situational exposure. Just gradually reintroduce yourself to those situations that make you feel nervous, afraid or anxious. And you know, if you fear large groups, for example, just start by going out with a friend one on one and then work your way up again to a smaller group of friends and so on. And by the way, therapists are super awesome in terms of helping you with situational exposure experiments and methods. Another thing that you can do is you can ask people for help. Just tell people what you're dealing with and ask somebody to give you some extra support.

Key to the support in helping an anxious person become more independent over time is you not relying on them all the time. So for example, yeah, invite your friends to go with you to things. But you've also got to realize that you are going to need to start to come out of your shell. So for example, if you want to help a friend that is really anxious, invite them to do things. And when you are out at the bar or you are out networking event, or you are out doing something fun, bring them into the conversation. Ask them questions to help them come out of their shell. Another thing that you can do if you're socially, you know, you get nervous in those kind of situations is as you feel yourself getting nervous, just do the five senses technique where you feel the nerves or the fear or the anxiousness rising up. Take a deep breath and then ground yourself in the present moment. What do you see? Look around. I see the camera on this desktop computer. What do you smell? I can almost smell that it's cool right now. What do you hear?

I hear Kind of the buzzing of the light bulbs in this room that I'm shooting in. What do you feel? Oh, I feel my cat, Mr. Noodle and his awesome fur. What do you taste? My mouth is kind of dry right now. I literally just brought myself into the present moment with you. And you do it by taking a deep breath and then noticing what all five senses are feeling. And finally, you gotta be kind to yourself as you're doing this. If you are trying to lower the nerves and the fear and the dread that comes with social settings, it's not going to go away overnight. It is going to take consistent effort on your part. Because the truth is, at this moment in your life, for whatever reason, any big social situation makes you feel a little nervous. That's okay. Happens to a lot of people. But you do want to attack this head on. Because the more you isolate and the more you avoid the things that you're afraid, the bigger the fear is going to get. And so, number one, analyze what situations trigger this. Number two, break it down. How can you think about it differently?

How can you change the situation? Next time, ask for a friend to support you. And remember that generally people are way more focused on themselves than they are focused on you. And they're not scrutinizing your behavior half as much as you think they are. In fact, they're probably not scrutinizing it at all. You're so busy in your head scrutinizing yourself, everybody else is basically doing the same thing with themselves. And so I want you to understand that with consistent effort, with a little bit of commitment from you, with some help from some friends and perhaps even a therapist, step by step, you can name this fear, you can face this fear, and through the actions that you're taking, this dread will start to disappear. And you may just start to love those big social things that you've been avoiding. I am going to walk you through, step by step, how I am using cold exposure therapy or polar plunges or ice baths to learn how to heal a dysregulated nervous system. And so what we're going to do is we are going to invite you to ask questions. I'm going to teach a little bit and then I am going to walk you through and you're going to see me live.

As I climb into a barrel of 34 degree water, there's my husband, Christopher Robbins, and I'm going to climb into this barrel of 34 degree water and you're going to watch me go from a state of high stress, high anxiety, High panic in my body and I'm going to breathe my from the inside out. I'm going to calm my nervous system. And so if you have questions about anxiety, does it really work? Yes, it works. You see, when you are somebody that feels waves of anxiety, there are two things going on. Number one, when you feel a wave of anxiety, how many of you feel waves of anxiety? Or you have somebody that you love who feels waves, anxiety, right? A wave of anxiety is just your nervous system sounding an internal alarm. That's what a wave of anxiety is. Your nervous system believes that something around you requires you to pay close attention. When that wave of anxiety hits, there's a number of physiological things that happen in your body. Namely, all of the blood gets pulled from all over your body and goes to your major organs. Your thoughts start to hyper focus, your heart starts to race, your stomach starts to get, you know, in knots.

And that's all just a chemical and physiological response to the fact that your nervous system thinks that there's something going on that requires you to pay attention. Now the problem for me when I was really struggling with anxiety is the second that I felt a wave of anxiety, so many of my thoughts would start to spin. And because my body was feeling this wave of anxiety, this fight or flight feeling, my thoughts would start to go, oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck, oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I don't like this, I don't like this. And because my thought would start to spin, the wave would get more intense and the wave would start to crash more and more. And so there are two things that I'm going to teach you today. Number one, when a wave of anxiety hits, I want you to understand your body is just starting to go into a default mode. This is called your sympathetic nervous system. You have two nervous systems. You're sympathetic and you're parasympathetic. Sympathetic is fight or flight. It's the. Oh my gosh, it's the wave. It's normal to feel waves of anxiety, everybody.

It's normal to wake up and feel anxious. It's normal to feel a wave of anxiety. After you've been drinking, it's normal to feel a wave of anxiety. If you're walking into work and you hate your job, it's normal to feel a wave of anxiety. If you're walking into a restaurant, you're about to meet somebody that you don't feel really emotionally safe with, your body and your nervous system is sounding an alarm, pay attention doesn't mean danger, just means Pay attention. Anxiety becomes a real problem. And you're taught you're hanging out with a woman who struggled with anxiety for 30 years. Anxiety becomes a problem when that wave, which is normal, sounding the alarm, pay attention, signals your mind to start racing. Okay? And so, number one, I don't want you to freak out when you feel a wave of anxiety. Go, oh. So don't say, I am anxious or I have anxiety. Say, oh, I feel a wave of anxiety. When you label it as a wave of anxiety, you can now distance yourself from it and you can now manage riding the wave. Because what happens with all waves, everybody, they go up and then they come down.

Everything that goes up eventually comes down. And so when I see those of you in the comments going, yep, every single day at work, Mel, I'm feeling a wave of anxiety. There's something up at that job that's making your nervous system go, pay attention, Pay attention. And so that's why you feel on edge. That's why you're like, ah. Now the second thing you're going to learn today is you're going to learn that once you label, oh, I feel a wave of anxiety. Okay, I just want you to say label, I feel a wave of anxiety. The second thing we're going to do is we're going to control your thoughts and you can control your thoughts through your breathing. Okay? I'm going to teach you. You're going to breathe in for eight seconds and out of your nose. Okay? Now I'm going to invite you guys to please ask questions because I am about to climb into this ice barrel. I see questions about how am I able to deal with it without medication. Well, that was a process. I will make another video about that and everything. Again, everybody that I'm about to show you, this is not medical advice.

I am not a therapist. I'm not a licensed doctor. I am a woman who struggled with anxiety for 30 years and using the five second rule to get control of my thoughts by interrupting them yolo. And by learning a lot about my nervous system and learning how to recognize a wave of anxiety and not let my mind freak me out when it happens, not escalating it with my thoughts. That was step number one. And step number two was using lots of different techniques to be able to recognize when I go from a state of feeling on edge and stressed out and fight or flight and feeling that wave to being able to breathe myself and soothe myself into a state of being calm, quiet, confident. You can see me putting my hand on my chest right here. The vagus nerve. This is the on off switch between your anxious and your. I'm looking for something to show you your anxious and your fight or flight and your calm. Cool. I write about this extensively, by the way, in the High Five habit, which I've read for free on our YouTube channel. Just go to YouTube.com melrobbins and you can find all of our videos.

But today I'm going to show you what I do with the cold plunge because you guys have had so many questions about it and we're going to be doing a lot more content about this because I don't think it's possible to truly love and enjoy your life if you feel like at any moment anxiety is going to hijack you and ruin your life. And that was me for 30 years. And I finally started taking control of my thoughts and then I learned how to take control of my nervous system. Now here is Chris. Let me tell you what's making me nervous. Chris is actually in a vest and a hat. Is it that cold today?

Well, I don't know how long we're going on here, but I'm gonna be warm.

Okay, so you guys can ask videos. And I'm about to go into a ice cold barrel. Now, first of all, does anybody have any questions about why cold exposure has been helpful for me for anxiety? And by the way, cold exposure can be taking a shower every morning and then finishing your shower by turning the water to the cold setting and standing there for 15 seconds and then 30 seconds and then a minute. Cold exposure could mean climbing into the ocean or a lake when it's really cold or a river where it's really cold. Cold exposure, guys, could mean pouring your bathtub full of just cold water and then climbing in it. And the reason why I do cold exposure, I was introduced to it, could.

Also be without water.

You could just sit in the snow.

You could strip down and be standing out in very cold temperatures.

And so why do you do this? Well, Chris and I got interested in this because we kept seeing the Wim Hof videos. The dude that's always sitting in the snow with the beard and the cool accent. So we took a workshop. Chris is a certified yoga instructor. He's a Buddhist meditation instructor. He's a soon to be death doula hospice volunteer. This guy's Zen. Me, not so much. I was really interested in it because I wanted to see could I train myself to go from a state of panic into a state of calm and could I sit in a safe situation, namely an ice cold Barrel of water and breathe myself into a state of calm when the situation around me was freaking my body out. And so I. The answer is, yes, you can. And it has helped immensely. And so I'm going to give this to Chris because he's going to film me as I go out here. So we're going to step outside, everybody, to. Oh, God, it's cold. To Vermont. Okay. Welcome to Southern Vermont. Okay, so here's the barrel. So one of the things. Oh, my God, you filled this up.

Chris. Chris, put it to the top. Okay, so the thing is, is that there's like, two. There's three actual benefits in terms of anxiety. So number one, every morning when I wake up, I know that I'm gonna climb in this when I'm here in Vermont, and I already dread it. How many of you have things that you dread in life that you think about it and you immediately feel that wave of, oh, I don't want to. So simply knowing that there's something that I'm going to force myself to do that I don't want to do, and feeling that wave of resistance in my body and having the just willpower to push through it, the personal commitment that I'm going to do it even though I don't want to. That's breakthrough number one. Because that same resistance of, oh, I don't want to is what used to keep me in bed in the morning feeling anxious and letting my thoughts spiral. So simply just saying to myself, I'm gonna fricking do this, even though I don't want to. I'm gonna finish my shower with a going cold even though I don't want to. That's breakthrough number one.

And these are skills that you can use everywhere, everybody. And if you get questions, Chris, just hammer me with them. Breakthrough number two is when you actually get dressed. And now you're out here. My feet are freezing. There's still snow on the ground. It's probably 40 degrees here. I'm standing here without a jacket on. My husband has on a hat and a vest, and pushing through and climbing in is breakthrough number two. Breakthrough number three, when it comes to taking control and healing my trauma and my dysregulated nervous system and learning that I can, in any situation, flip from a state of stress and anxiety into a state of okay, I'm okay, soothing myself. It's a superpower. And so what you're going to witness is you're going to witness me climbing in there, and the second I climb in, it's fucking freezing. And so you're going to see me tense up for real, and then I'm going to blow out the air and submerge down to here. And here's one more thing a lot of you are asking, but I have Raynaud's. But my hands get cold. I have Raynaud's, which is a circulatory issue that's related to arthritis.

I didn't want to try this because I was afraid that my hands would get even worse, that the numbness would get worse. It's actually getting better by safe cold exposure. So I'm going to climb in here. You're going to watch me breathe through this, and then, Chris, you can have them ask questions, and I'm going to stay in there for a minute. Okay? You don't have to be a superhero. You don't have to do it for 10 minutes. Just simply knowing that you've made a, the promise to do this and dreading it. That's breakthrough one. B. Stepping into that shower or that tub or stepping outside, that's breakthrough. Two, three. Feeling the pressure and the wave of anxiety hit you and breathing through it. That's breakthrough number three. Every single one of those, you are building the muscle, everybody, of knowing that you can stand in discomfort, you can feel resistance, you can feel waves of anxiety, and you have it within you to get yourself through it. All right, here we go. Yes. I'm dreading this. This is really full. Why did you have to fill this up?

You're just going to press it all out? It's all good.

I've never seen it this full, you guys. Like, I'm. My heart's racing. I do this all the time, and every time I go in, I know it's going to suck. That's one of the things about this. You never turn on the cold water in a shower. It feels good.

So one question is, you know, do you breathe through your nose or your mouth?

Breathe through. I breathe through my nose. I would watch the videos, but I breathe through my nose. Eight seconds. Breathe out. But I breathe out of my mouth to get it. Okay, here we go. Because now I'm starting to feel a major wave of anxiety.

Other people are anxious for you.

Anxiety spreads. Anxiety spreads. Okay, you want to. Okay, here we go. Holy shit. Holy shit. Okay, I'm feeling.

No, it's not warm. It's freezing.

I think everybody is shocked. They have no questions for you at the moment. One question is, where'd you get the barrel? And you can see right here. The brand is Ice Barrel. You can Find it online. Another question is, is it easier the longer you're in?

No. No.

Can't you get a cold from this?

I don't know. I don't know if you can get a cold from it. What I'm. What I'm experiencing is my hands and my feet are tingling. My skin feels super tingly, like pinpricks.

All over it when in. When in chronic pain. How long do you do this for?

I don't know. I think you need to talk to your doctor.

My understanding is that the. Anything between two and five minutes is maximum required, because after five minutes, the value sort of dissipates.

I've actually never been in it longer than I typically stay about 90 seconds. What happens the longer you stay is that you're like. When I first got in, you guys, there was this moment when I was in labor with our first daughter where the contractions were so scary and my heart was racing and my mind started to spin, and I thought, I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do this. And thankfully.

Is it hard to calm your breath?

In the beginning, it is. But as you noticed, I went from really labored breathing in and out of my nose to signal to my body that I'm okay and to shut my mind off.

How come you are not shivering? That's your breath controlling your body, right?

I'm shivering in the water a little bit, but did you guys notice that, like, 30 seconds in, I went from, like, really labored breathing to being pretty calm, But I'm. My body's calm. I don't feel any anxiety. I feel discomfort. I mean, it's freaking freezing in here, and I'm starting to shake a little bit, but I'm not. I'm not feeling a wave of anxiety. My heart's not racing. My thoughts are basically at the mountain. Like, look at that view, you guys.

Yes.

So I'm shaking and I'm cold. I'm really cold, but I'm not scared, and I'm not like, I gotta get out of here. I gotta get out here. Gotta. Even saying that made my heart race. Let me get back calm again.

Been in for a while.

Any more questions? I did. 90 seconds is plenty. 90 seconds is enough for me.

Would you have a hot bath now?

But I don't. I don't need a hot bath.

Is it okay to do a cold shower before bedtime?

Oh, my gosh. You get a great night's sleep.

It's the best before bed.

I think a cold shower, honestly, everybody is harder than this because only having my head or my shoulders hit the cold water feels like my pen's now my. I'm shaking.

What do you do after? Why don't you show them what you do after when you climb out?

Here we go. Whoa. I feel like we need like a rail cuz I do feel shaky now. You kind of get in a horse stance to get the blood back in here and then you wave your arms around to get the blood flowing because all the blood went to like my heart and my brain to try to keep me warm. And I'm getting the circulation going again.

Activate.

See how red my arms are? That's the blood coming back in. And you know, ironically I'm kind of warm. Let's go inside because do you have any other questions? Other questions while I'm soaking wet? Other questions?

How many minutes For a beginner, I.

Was, I would do, I tried to just do for a minute. Not in the shower, for the shower. I did 30 seconds. The first time Chris and I did it though, you guys, we did it with a, like in a workshop. So they wanted us to go 90 seconds. But if you have a friend there supporting you, try to go for a minute. And I didn't bring my hands down for a long time, but now I put my hands down and I shove them in between my thighs, which are basically like meat mittens. I just keep them warm down there.

There's a lot of questions about can you have a heart attack? And if I had open heart surgery, can I? Doctor.

You have to talk to your doctor. Everybody, if you have any concern about your health or your heart or stroke or any kind of health condition, please talk to your doctor. And please do this with somebody who's supervising you, who's been trained in cold exposure therapy just to be safe.

Is it okay to do this daily? Like therapy?

Yeah, like a meditation practice. I literally just did yoga and then I finished my exercise by going in there for 90 seconds. And I hate it every time, but every time I do it, I literally access this switch inside of me.

Why is your skin red?

I think my skin is red. Because when you feel waves of anxiety or you're in a really stressful or fight or flight or emergency situation, your body sounds an alarm, okay? And if your thoughts start to spin, your blood goes to your major organs, to your brain so you can hyper focus and pay attention, and to your heart so that you can run faster. And so when I get out, I believe that my arms are Red because the blood is starting to come back and circulate through my body again. And so one of the reasons why this is important is because again, there are good reasons why you have anxiety and waves of anxiety. When you feel a wave of anxiety before a test, for example, or before a big interview and you get nervous and you feel that sort of hyper, that alarm go through your body, your heart races, your armpits sweat, and you're like focused on everything. It's because right before an interview or right before a test, your body's sounding alarm, hey, this is important. Pay attention. When I step into that ice cold water, which is literally about 34 degrees, the second you get into cold water, it could be life threatening.

So your body sounds an alarm, hey, it's important. Pay attention. Do not stay in here long. And so the blood goes from your digestive tract and from your limbs to your heart and to your brain because it's trying to keep you alive. When I started to breathe, and as you watch the video, if you're just joining us now, if you go back, you'll watch me. I get in, I have a like wave of anxiety because I'm in ice cold water. So my body sounds the alarm, get out. This is dangerous. I submerge. And then I breathe myself into a state where I'm telling my body I'm okay. And by breathing in, I go about eight seconds in through my nose and eight seconds out through my nose. It also quiets the racing thoughts. When I climbed into that barrel, you guys, my mind was like, get out, get out, get out, get out. This cold, this cold, this cold. Get out, get out, get out, get out, get out. It's sounding the alarm. As long as I'm focused on my breathing, my thoughts aren't racing. It's pretty amazing how this, how this is a technique you can use to take control.

And I think even without the cold exposure, when your thoughts are racing, put your hands right here on your vagus nerve. This is an on, off switch between your fight or flight nervous system and your parasympathetic nervous system, which is the calm, cool, grounded in your body nervous system. Put your hands right here and just breathe in. Eight seconds. And then I usually say three sentences. I'm okay, I'm safe, I'm loved. And if you just keep doing that over and over, breathing in and breathing out to interrupt the racing thoughts pressing on the vagus nerve to signal to your body that you want your resting nervous system to flip back on. And if you say I'm Okay. I'm safe. I'm loved in that moment. It's true. All right. I think that's it. Any other questions?

How's the Raynaud's when you get out?

You know, normally when I grocery shop, my hands turn white. And my Raynaud's has gotten better because of this. I never would have believed it. I'm the kind of person that literally, guys, when I reach in and grab French fries out of the freezer at the supermarket, and I pull it out the finger. My fingertips are numb. When I hike or ski, my toes are white. I was just in 34 degree water, and they're red. They're not white.

Will you take a hot shower now?

Probably just to rinse off quickly and get into the day.

But there's no value or need necessarily, or that's not part of the practice.

I don't know. I honestly don't know. I mean, you feel warm, and you get this, like, adrenaline rush. You know, I mean, if you've ever jumped in cold water. I grew up on, you know, on Lake Michigan in Western Michigan, and they used to cut a hole in the ice and do these polar plunges for charity. When you jump into cold water, your whole body's like, woo. And so you get this, like, adrenaline rush. And so I wouldn't need to, but I just kind of want to rinse it, rinse myself off. That's all.

The. I think the last question that has come up a lot, probably for people in warm climate climates, is how do you prepare the ice?

Well, what you could do is just run your bathtub to cold, and if you want to, like, make it really, really ice, just. Just buy a bag of ice at the gas station and throw it in there. But honestly, just freaking tap water that's cold is cold enough, and you'll be surprised. And in your nose and out your nose. And final thing, I'm not a doctor. I'm not a therapist. I'm a woman on a mission to literally live an amazing life, to stop feeling such sadness and negativity and heaviness in my mind and my body, and to really experience more joy. And. And I'm just sharing everything that's working for me, everything that I'm learning as I research, as I experiment with you in the hopes that I can save you some of the heartache and headache that I have caused myself because I didn't know any better.

Look at all the books written about habits, whether it's BJ Fogg, Tiny Habits or James Clear or Stephen Covey or Charles Duhigg. They all talk about making these trim tab adjustments in their lives. You're right on mil. I have this dedicated my 30 year career to the leadership development industry. And my first book was called Management mess to leadership success 30 challenges to become the leader you would follow. And it did extraordinarily well, mainly because much like you, okay, not 2 million copies, but much like you, my book touched a nerve in terms of sort of the underbelly of leadership and how hard leadership is and that it's important to own your mess because then you can make it safe for others to own theirs and teach through your mistakes. I would argue that you are one of the lead thought leaders that has ushered in the safety of having the conversation around anxiety and trauma and your challenges and really helping to make vulnerability and actual parenting spousal friend leadership competency. You talk frequently and openly on your social media and in your books about your own struggle with anxiety and panic disorders. And I don't mean to put you on the spot for that, but is there anything you would follow up with that that would help our audience of millions of people around the world that perhaps have a colleague or a spouse or their boss or an employee child that perhaps is facing some of those issues or they themselves as well, that would maybe give everybody a light and some inspiration this morning?

Yeah, of course. So I would tackle it in two different ways. I'd tackle it in two different ways when you're dealing with somebody at work, especially if you're the manager or the leader at work and somebody in your personal life. And the reason why I say that is because I think it's really important to be compassionate and understanding and supportive of everybody in your life. But I'm not out to turn leaders and managers or anybody into a therapist because the fact of the matter is when somebody's struggling, whether they're struggling with anxiety or depression, or they're struggling with issues related to trauma or PTSD or, heck, they're just struggling because we're still living through a global pandemic and every single human being's nervous system right now has been switched into a state or fight or flight. And so, you know, everybody after two years of this, Scott, is living in a condition in their bodies that human beings are not designed to live in. We all feel emotionally taxed. We all feel the fatigue from being on zoom conference calls all day long. We all feel the giant, oh, are you kidding me? As we see the virus continue to mutate and closings and this and that.

And so at this moment, what leaders need to know is your team is emotionally, physically and spiritually gassed. What they need from you is they need more appreciation. They need to be given a little bit more trust. And what I'm going to say about that, and I've been hammering this in speeches, I've been hammering this because I believe that every single company had the exact same response when the pandemic hit. And it is a very typical response because it's a response that tracks to the normal anxiety response. So as we unpack anxiety, Scott, I'm going to talk about a bunch of different things, but I promise we will end up in a place where there's lots of takeaway. So anxiety, first and foremost, everybody, it's a very important thing to have in life. Yes, you heard Mel Robbins say that anxiety is really important because all that anxiety is, is anxiety is an internal alarm system that is hardwired in your nervous system. And that alarm system has one job. The alarm system called anxiety has the job of making you pay attention. That's it. There is some kind of threat, some kind of uncertainty.

When anxiety races through your body, you come alive and you go into a state of hyper focus. Your nervous system switches into your sympathetic nervous system. You immediately go on edge, your spidey senses come up, your prefrontal cortex engages, your heart starts to race. All of this, by the way, tied to evolution to keep you safe. Anxiety is a good thing when there is an actual threat. So, for example, let's say, Scott, that you and I are driving down the road and we're chatting up a storm and we're driving, you know, to go do a speech or whatever. And all of a sudden, out of nowhere, a semi truck cuts right into our lane. And you have to swerve right to get out of the way as that semi truck, Scott, cuts into our lane. What do you feel in your body?

A rush of adrenaline. Fear for my life. I need to take immediate control over my safety because that driver doesn't know I'm alive or he wouldn't have cut in my lane.

Yeah, like immediately anxiety rips through your body and anxiety serving a purpose. It's sounding the alarm so that you stop talking to me and you pay attention. And all of a sudden your brain takes over. You swear without even thinking about it, and your heart races and all the blood runs to your major organs so that you can go into a state of hyperfocus. The reason why people feel nervous or anxious or excited before a test or before a speech Is because you're going into a state of hyperfocus anxiety. That feeling in your body is now making you align with what you're about to do. So you can focus on it and perform in this. In the example that I just gave you, anxiety served a purpose. And here's what's interesting. As the truck pulls away and you kind of pull back into your lane, what happens in your body now that the truck is gone and we're driving down the road safely?

In my body or my wife's body?

In your body?

Well, in my body I would. That anxiety probably stays for a little while, not for an hour, but probably, you know, 45 seconds or so as I begin to calm down and kind of put it into context and we're safe, we're alive, it's not going to happen again, probably immediately. So I probably recover pretty quickly. But there's a, there's a lingering effect.

Yeah, and you're absolutely right about the 45 seconds because it is less than 90 seconds that most people switch from one emotional state to the other when there's intellectual context. So your body starts to slow down and it goes from the on edge state alert state into what's called the parasympathetic state, which is your kind of resting, relaxed state in about 90 seconds. Because your brain sees the truck leave and your brain goes, oh, no threat. The problem for people today, and this is true of everybody on your team, is that we have been living in a heightened state of uncertainty. And every single person on the planet, their nervous system right now is either flipped into the fight or flight mode of feeling on edge or it easily, it's like a trigger immediately flips into it. And so the normal things that somebody wouldn't stress out, they're super stressed out. And this is important to understand because I want you to, as a leader, to think about. First, let's talk about work. Assume that most people are at the end of their rope. They're trying the best that they can. They are burning the candle at both ends.

They're having a hard time focusing and concentrating and they're feeling uncertain and on edge. Because even if their work life is good, there's something going on with their kids at college, there's something going on with their kids in the high school, there's something going on with somebody in their family. And you know, the spike in this sense of anxiety, the spike that we're seeing in terms of people's mental health is extraordinary. And I'm sure you're hearing the same Thing from corporations that I'm hearing, which is that the number one concern that people have right now at the highest level in every single company, whether they're publicly traded or they're a small family business, is the well being of their employees. And so one thing that you can do is, number one, you can encourage people to take time off. Number two, you can consciously, as a leader, make a strategic and intentional decision to move out of the mode that your company has been in for probably two years. Because there are three phases to this pandemic that has impacted every corporation on the planet and every leader on the planet. Phase number one was life as it used to be.

Right? Because when the pandemic first hit, it was sort of like, oh my gosh, what's changing about life as it used to be? What? Life as it used to be. We're going to go back to the way life used to be. Phase number two was full on crisis. Oh, my gosh, we're in this. And what you saw is you saw an anxiety response from every single company on the planet because we had to. Everything got turned upside down. The rules got rewritten overnight. Everybody had to pivot and to innovate and to switch and to innovate. Like, it was incredible. And there was so much amazingness that came out of it. There is going to be, when we look back on this period, this is going to be one of the most rapid periods of innovation and disruption in a very positive way when it comes to business operations, the way that people work, like all kinds of stuff. But one of the disruptions that has been horrible for people is that companies immediately jumped to nonstop video conference calls. And what has happened for human beings who are working hybrid or working remote, is that people feel like they need to always be online.

And there are lots of companies that also still have a policy two years later that your camera is required to be on. This is a horrible thing to be doing to people. And the reason why it's a horrible thing to be doing to people is, number one, it communicates mistrust, which makes somebody who's already stressed out feel even worse. But number two, based on the brain science, here's what we know. If you're on a video conference call and you're staring at yourself, having to stare at yourself activates this part of your brain. Scott. When the prefrontal cortex is engaged, the rate at which you drain the fuel in your brain increases dramatically. The reason why it is so difficult for everybody to be productive right now, for everybody to focus the reason why people feel more anxious, the reason why people feel more distracted, the reason why people feel like, my gosh, it's 1:00 in the afternoon and I feel like I need three martinis and a nap. Like I have four more hours for the rest of the day or ten. The reason is because you are having to work in an environment that is triggering stress and anxiety.

And being on edge staring at yourself all day on camera is draining the fuel in your brain. And companies reacted so like panic mode that they haven't pulled back yet and stepped into phase three of the pandemic, which is, this is the new reality. Let's stop pretending there is some sort of milestone that is out in the future that's going to solve all this. And let's get strategic and let's get intentional about how we're going to work. Because everything in the company can't be important or else nothing is. And every meeting can't be 50 people on a zoom call because nobody can get work done. And we need to go back to getting intentional and strategic about what's important and going back to the basics of making sure people's weekly jobs are aligned with what matters. And we need to allow people and trust them to get their work done. That's one thing that you can do as a leader. Less zoom calls, more appreciation and cameras off. That's going to help people a ton when it comes to anxiety at work. The other thing that will help people a ton is triple down on appreciation.

What I've figured out in researching the high five habit and having 145,000 people from 91 countries go through a five day online challenge that I led about the high five habit. In five days, Scott, not a single person reported that this high five habit didn't work. And what I've learned in researching the power of appreciation and developing habits of encouragement is that the most motivating force on the planet is to feel appreciated. To feel like somebody sees you and hears you and actually appreciates you. And I know that you talk about this a lot people, and we're talking about the great resignation, right? And companies make the mistake of thinking that people are leaving organizations because they're looking for better compensation. That's not true. People leave organizations. There was a huge McKinsey study that proved this recently. They leave organizations because they don't feel valued or appreciated and they don't feel like they belong. And so this should be a giant red flag for every leader out there. You've got the great resignation You've got people really starting to think about what they value and what matters to them. You've got a hybrid work environment where it's going to take more intentionality to make people feel like they belong and to make sure that they feel appreciated.

And so you've got to make sure that this is priority number one as you head into this next year, that the focus is on how do I make sure that people's work is getting recognized, that people feel visible, and that I am pointing out all the things they're doing right instead of harping on the thing that they're doing wrong. That is something that you can do that goes way beyond the corporate programs that people put in place. It's the basic blocking and tackling of making sure that everybody that reports to you feels appreciated by you. And it takes work. It takes a lot of work to build that as a muscle, as a leader. I wanted you, Chris, to address some of these questions because the first question was, do you ever catch my anxiety when I get anxious?

No.

Break down what you do. If I start getting anxious like I did on Sunday or I have throughout our 24 year marriage, what do you do? Because you have this superpower of being able to remain calm. And the thing that I find the most validating is even though you don't feel anxious, you are able to validate my reality of being anxious even though you're not in the same reality.

Touch is huge, right?

What do you mean?

Touch, meaning being able to hold your hand or being close and upfront and personal to what you're experiencing. Just pulling what you're feeling out of your mouth, like that act of inviting you to describe what's going on, to give detail to it and to almost not let up, to keep pulling a thread. What else is going on? What else is there? What else are you feeling? And I think maybe part of the reason why I don't get triggered by it in that moment is because I've seen it work so effectively that once you get it all out, it's like barfing. It's. It dissipates. It may not just extinguish itself, but it will, it will go away.

So technique number one is to give somebody a hug or hold their hand, center them with physical touch.

Yeah.

Okay.

Sit up close in front of them. Make sure that you have the eye contact, you know, as much eye contact as you can have physically with that person.

And then the second thing you do is give people the questions that you might start asking the person in Your life that's feeling anxious.

Well, I would start with, tell me about your anxiety right now. What are you feeling? What's happening, not only physically in your body, but of course, emotionally. I mean, those are the two main pillars.

And then you keep going and anything else, and he does that over until I'm literally like, the tank is completely empty. You know what else I've noticed, and I think this is a really important thing, is that you don't respond to what comes out of my mouth.

No answers. You cannot provide any direction or guidance or go for the solve.

Why?

Because there is no solve. Particularly when you're in the acute moment. There is no. Nothing is going to resolve that right there and then. Even if you have the most best, you know, idea ever, what is it.

That you've observed when you get somebody back to zero and in the moment? What do you observe in the person?

People coming back to right now and how that is in and of itself is such a powerful grounding mechanism. When you're right here, you are out of. You're out of your head. You're not thinking about yesterday or tomorrow or wherever the source of that anxiety may be coming from. You're present to your physical space and surroundings. And that, I think, has. It must. I know it has a profound effect on calming it. Not necessarily extinguishing it, but certainly calming it.

I think that's your superpower. I really do. Like, you are the most grounded, calm person in my life. I wonder if it's the years of having a meditation practice and being a practicing Buddhist that has trained that skill in you.

I've never sat down to think about where it comes from necessarily. But, yes, in Buddhist tradition or practices, completely just being an observance and the act of deep listening, not just, you know, opening your ears, but really listening for what is being said is totally. You know, that's right up a Buddhist alley for sure.

Wow.

There's three questions you can start to ask yourself in the moment when the anxiety comes up. Instead of pushing the anxiety down, you can befriend it and you can ask three questions. You can say, okay, what do I notice about the anxiety? So where does it live in my body? Would you want to do it with me right now?

Sure.

Okay, sure. Are you connected to the anxiety in this moment?

Not this moment, but I.

Is there something else with it?

So I'm more than.

Is there anything else that might be up right now? That. That's. That's a protector part that you're like, I want to Kind of talk to.

Um. It's interesting. Now that we're talking about it, I feel a little anxious.

Okay. Okay.

So programmed to run that, staying still, which is what this new house in southern Vermont represents. This real quiet place. I feel tingly all over right now.

Okay, so there's a tingly, a desire to run, and then like this little anxiety kind of right back in the background completely. Okay, cool. Could we ask the tingling and the desire to run to maybe just go in the. Go out on the patio and have a coffee and. Or have a cup of tea and just take a. Take a minute just to give us a little space to talk to the anxiety. Would that. That be okay with them?

Sure.

Okay, so just taking a moment to check in. You can close your eyes if you want. You can breathe whatever you need, but just check in gently with the anxiety and ask where is it in the body?

It's right here.

Right in your chest?

Yep.

Very.

Yeah, like gripping. Like that.

Gripping. Any other ways you would define it? Colors, shapes?

It's like kind of hands like this. And it's. I'm also really warm under my armpits, but I'm not sure if that's menopause shit happening or what. Okay, this and then right here.

Tight, warm. Does it have an age or a gender?

Oh, female. And older.

Older. Okay. Like older than you are now.

Yep. I think. I don't know. I don't think of myself as 50s, but.

No, but is it like when you say older, like 80s or like older?

Like, I feel like these like witch hands. It's really fucking true.

Witchy. Yeah, witchy. Okay, cool. Witchy. Anything else that you notice about it?

As I talk about it, it sort of like pulls back a little.

What do you know about it?

It's familiar.

Does it have any stories or visuals that attach to it?

More like the first words of candlebinder is, I don't like this. I don't want to be here.

Okay, that's a problem. The part that's coming in that's saying, I don't like this, I don't want to be there, is another part. It's a protector. Would that protector feel safe enough to go have some tea for a moment?

I'll send that protector outside the office.

Hang out, and I want to thank that protector and just let that protector know that I've totally got you. And I'm not going to take anxiety to anywhere that they don't need to go. Really high level right here. We're not going to go anywhere we shouldn't go today. Okay. I just want to give. Thank that protector for coming in and just say have a tea. But thank you so much for speaking up. Thank you. So with a little bit more permission just to talk to this part.

All right.

What is the part? The anxious part. Need.

The first thing that came up was a hug. Reassurance that I don't have to do this on my own.

Yeah. Yeah. Does that part of you know that you are here? That yourself, that your resourced, undamaged self, does it know that you're here?

I think so. I think. And the reason why I say it like that is because I think one of the things that I've been struggling with for so long because of workaholism and being busy and on the move as kind of my go to protector, as long as I'm on the move, I'm going to be okay. As long as I'm busy. I have had a deep feeling of loneliness.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So the part.

Yeah. Being in a quiet place up here makes me feel really lonely.

Okay. Okay. Thank you for saying that. How do you feel towards the part?

I feel sad towards her. You know, tired of feeling lonely. I get it. It's painful.

So she knows you're here and you have some compassion for her. I don't want to put the words in your mouth, but yeah.

Oh, sure.

Yeah. Okay. Beautiful. If she wasn't in such an extreme role of doing. Doing. And anxious. Anxious.

Yeah.

What else would she be doing?

She'd be hanging out with her friends.

Hanging out with her friends. Okay. A lot.

She'd be doing fun shit. I don't know. Going for a hike.

Going for a hike. Okay. Would you be there, self? Okay. In your own mind's eye. Can you just take a moment to just visualize taking her by the hand and. Or however it visualizes for you, however it comes to your vision. Taking her on that hike, see who is around, see whatever comes up. You can tell me whatever comes up. Whatever you want to share.

I can totally see it. Totally. There's a black bear that is out with her cubs up there. And so I. To see us walking down the path and there's the black bear.

How does she feel with you on the hike?

Happy that I'm there.

Yeah. And is there anything that you want to say to her on this hike?

I'm not going anywhere.

Can you make a commitment to her right now that when you notice her, you can just take her by the hand and go on the hike and remind her that you're not going anywhere.

When you say notice her, are you talking about when that feeling comes back? Is that what you mean?

Yeah, yeah. When the anxiety starts to come in, can you just let her know?

I can. I am not going to let you be there alone. Right.

And make a commitment. Maybe that you'll just take her on that hike. Maybe even literally. Maybe even literally go for a hike with her. Totally beautiful. How does she feel now? Just to close it out.

How does she feel? I think some of the protectors have come back in.

Okay, that's okay. They're welcome back. They're welcome back, Mel.

Because they're like, I don't want to go to hike.

That's okay. That's okay. They're welcome back. I want to thank them for stepping aside for the time that they did. They did a beautiful job. They are welcome back. We can always ask them to step aside when there's some space, but right now it's okay. They can come back. You now have what you have right now, Mel, is direct access from self to the part. It's so beautiful to witness. You have direct access from your adult resource, internal parent self to the part of you that's so protective and anxious. And you've given her a full media alert that you are available to her when she needs you.

Yeah.

Major step forward.

I want to go back to what we were talking about because this is super important for everybody that just walked in the room to hear. So we were talking about. Heidi had asked a question about imposter syndrome. And so I want to bring you all into this conversation because this is critical for you to hear. It's critical for you to learn these simple tools that as she's successful, as she's making stuff happen, she has this nagging voice in her head that's like, you don't deserve this. This is going to get taken away. You know, you're an imposter. People are going to find out, like, this nagging thing that is beating her down even as she's trying to rise up. Can you guys relate to that? Okay, Terrific. And so well, not terrific. I don't want that voice in your head. But I'm glad that you can relate to what we're talking about. So I'm like, we gotta go to war with that voice. And I want today to be a line in the sand where you will look back on today and you'll go, okay, there was a before I heard this conversation and there was an after.

And so the first thing that I want you to do is I invented something called the five second rule where you count backwards. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. It's a little brain trick where it interrupts all the nastiness and the patterns and old habits here that hold you back. And by the time you count backwards, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, you awaken this part of your brain and you are immediately in control of what you think and do next. And one of the best uses for this thing, and you're going to hear me talk about it on the big stage and I'm going to show you some examples of how people are using this around the world. One of the best uses is to silence the critic in your head to interrupt that nagging voice. And one of the other things I want you to understand is that your brain is a supercomputer computer and your brain loves patterns. And all those little thoughts that you have are just a pattern. And guess what? It's a pattern somebody else taught you. It's a pattern that a caregiver or a parent or a bully or society at large taught you that made you feel less than or unworthy.

And it is time to kick that bully out of your fricking head. And the thing that's important about this, and this is like hand to hand combat with your own mind, is that if that pattern is not broken and replaced, that pattern will repeat. And for some of us, what I've started to realize in my own life is that I'm just repeating thought patterns that my great grandmother had and my grandmother had and then she taught them to my mother and then my mother said them to me. And I have an opportunity to end that garbage. I have an opportunity to speak to myself differently. And so step number one is I need you to recognize that. So how many of you in the back row are tracking with what I'm saying? Give me a hand in the air so I know. Okay, great. Second thing, when you notice, oh, there's that thing again, you're going to count backwards. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. That is the second part of this. So we're going to notice it. We're going to count backwards to interrupt it. Now we're going to name it. Ok? So I want you to close your eyes.

I've already asked everybody in the room to close their eyes. Think about that nasty, o, awful, disgusting, oh, you know, kind of thing. You can make it funny, you can make it gross. You could be a real person. And I want you to think of a name that we're going to call this voice. When My son was struggling with anxiety. He called anxiety Oliver, and he made Oliver look like a big old pimply 8th grader who was miserable, Right? And whenever the voice would come on, he would go, all right, Oliver, you're not invited to the sleepover. I'm going to go. Oliver, I'm not taking you to school with me today. And there's a lot of science behind this, because by naming it and picturing something, whether it's broccoli, somebody in the room said she hates broccoli. So the voice is broccoli. You distance yourself. This is the power of objectivity. So right here, what's the name of your voice? Ollie. What is it? Oli. Ollie. Okay, great. Right here with the pins. Cute pins. Yes. Maria. Maria. Maria's the voice. Okay, Maria, get out of here. White blazer. Tomatoes. Okay, excellent. She hates tomatoes, apparently.

And here's the thing. Have any of you ever had a puppy? Okay, great. Have you ever tried to train a puppy on a leash? Right? And the puppy just wanders all over the place. This is another analogy for your mind. Think about your thoughts and your mind like a puppy on a leash. The best way to get a puppy to calm down is to just step on the leash. That's what we're doing. When your mind starts to wander and tomato and broccoli, and, you know, Maria and Bob show up. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Get out of here, Bob. That's how you're going to step on the leash. You're going to pull your thoughts right back to your own, and then you want to replace it. You want to replace it, and you can replace it in the beginning by just saying, I'm not thinking about that. You're not going to talk to me like that. Okay, awesome. Because if you allow that voice to stay, it will just continue. And as you get more and more and more successful, you will take that voice with you, and you will never truly reach not only your potential, but you will also not have the fulfillment and happiness that you deserve.

And it begins with what you're saying up here. And we all do it. You're not alone. If I were to put a speaker on everybody's head in here and turn up the volume, you wouldn't be sitting here. We'd all be on an inpatient unit somewhere. Because, you know, like that the way we talk to ourselves is really awful. Really awful. I agree. Right? Yes, exactly. Okay. Another question. Thank you for that.

Right here, I'm going through, like, a little extensive crisis. I would say I'm Trying to decide between what I need and what I want. Earlier, like five minutes before I came in, I got the job opportunity that I applied for. However, the job that I have now is what I love doing, and that's why I changed my major. But the job that I was just offered and I accepted will help me pay for rent and living more than the job that I have. And it's like, I can take both jobs. I have two jobs now, but it would mean that instead of working 20 hours, I'd be working 38. And I'm a full time college student.

Yep.

I want to burn myself out, but at the same time, I don't want to not pursue what I have now because I need to make ends meet.

Yeah.

Living wise.

Yeah. Okay. It's an excellent question. How many of you can relate to this? Yeah. The conflict between what your heart longs for versus, like, what is the responsible thing to do. So I'm going to give you a couple tools to think about decision making. Everybody. Okay. Because sometimes you just have to do whatever you need to do to make the ends meet. Right. Sometimes that's what you have to do. But not always. Not always. I don't think we live in a very. I don't think we live in a rigid world. I think we relate to the world like it is. And so one of the tools I use a lot is I try to switch myself from an either or mentality into an and mentality. So how could I take that job that is going to help me pay my bills and help me feel secure and help me feel like I am making all these ends meet? Because there is a level of stress that you feel that is so distracting and devastating when you cannot pay your bills. And I know that stress because just 14 years ago, my husband and I were $800,000 in debt.

His restaurant business had gone under. I was unemployed. We were about to lose the house. I could not pay for groceries. We had to pull our kids from that town soccer program because we couldn't afford it. And the stress was so excruciating that I literally couldn't get out of bed. In fact, that's how I invented the five second rule. I would lay in bed every morning and the anxiety was like a gravity blanket. And I would stare at the ceiling and my mind would just spiral. It's like I could not. I did not know to step on a leash. I did not know what to do. And so this whole 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 came during a rock bottom moment. Like, I knew I Needed to get out of bed. I just didn't know how. And so the counting became the how. And so what I want you to do, though, is I want you to think, is there a way to do both? Could you accept the job so that you have. Or you've already accepted it, but could you accept that job and be happy about it and empowered and go back to what you're doing now and say, can I do this?

But only X number of hours so that you still have a foot in something that. That fills your soul versus going. It can only be this or that. Does that make sense? Okay, good. So have that conversation, because then you keep a door open to something. The second thing I would do, and this is really important to everybody. So I partnered with LinkedIn and we've launched this course all about confidence, so we can talk a little bit about confidence. What it is, what it isn't, how to build it. And the other thing that I did with them is I was the host of this big thing they called the Future of Work. And one of the things that I heard loud and clear is that the most important thing that you can invest in in any job that you have is skills. So if you're going to go into a technical job, like you're going to be a chemist, or you're going to be in pharma, or you're going to be a doctor, or you're going to be an engineer, there's a certain level of expertise that you need in order to do that job.

But the vast majority of jobs of businesses you might start, of all the things that you might do, are all about skills. Can you speak in public? Can you present your ideas? Can you write something? Can you sell somebody on an idea like skills? Can you connect with people? Are you inspiring and uplifting with people? Skills that you can learn on any job? And so the second piece of advice I'm going to give you is this. I want you to think about, what is it about the job that you have now that really fills your soul?

The opportunities it gave me, like the job I have now is high here with the cauldron on the rise. And it's opened so many doors for.

Me, and it feels like I can almost feel you getting emotional as you think about it.

Yeah, it's what made me change my major. I was a political science major, and then I got the programming job that I have now with SGA as a public relations officer.

Amazing.

And now I switched my major to communications with the concentration of sports business management, because I love planning events.

Amazing.

And that's why even though it's fun and it doesn't pay bills. It doesn't. But it's fun and it makes me happy and it alleviates the stress of having to make ends meet. The other job, which is not as fun, will make ends meet.

Yep.

And the stress of not having to worry about rent every month, especially the way the housing is working.

Yeah, yeah.

It's like, what do I have to do? It's like.

Well, I. What I'm telling you is I think you can figure out a way to do both without working that many hours. And I also think if you love the event planning and you love the communication, here's a great tip, everybody. Look for opportunities inside whatever you're doing now, to do more of what you love. So every job, even if it boring, is. You know what they need help with? Social media marketing. They probably have some sort of something going on, whether it's an employee gathering that you can raise your hand for and help out so that you bring some of the stuff that you love into the day to day of what you're doing. Does that make sense? Yes. Awesome. And here's the final thing. I believe that when you are born, you are hardwired with an inner compass. It's like your own Google Maps or Waze system. And I'm going to prove it to you. Okay? So have you ever thought about the odds of you actually being born? Because here's the thing, believe it or not, a bunch of scientists calculated the odds. What are the odds with. I know this is kind of gross, but all the sperm that your dad has, who wants to think about that?

And eggs that your mom has and the number of times that they fooled around and all that stuff. You know what I'm saying? What are the odds of that one sperm and that one egg coming together and actually creating you? 1 in 400 trillion. 1 in 400 trillion. And here's some really interesting research. We now know that it wasn't about how fast that thing swam. We know that it was the egg. The egg was choosy. And guess what? The egg chose you. Absolutely. Absolutely. You are here for a reason. And I want you to embrace that. You are here for a reason. And when you are born into this world, all of that magic that makes you a miracle gets hard wired into your DNA. And it is part of the wiring in your body. And your body is a system of signals that are trying to get you to turn in the direction that's meant for you. And so you were talking about needs, Right? There are signals in your body that signal your need. So, for example, you got to eat or else you're going to die. So what is the signal that you feel?

What do you feel when you need food? Correct. What do you feel when you need sleep? Tired. Yeah. What do you feel when you need connection with other human beings? Yes. What do you feel when you know, you need some water? Exactly. Exactly. And here's something that's really interesting. Feeling stuck and feeling lost are also signals. When you feel stuck and you feel lost in your life, it means you stop growing. You are going to grow for your entire life until the day you die. Your brain can learn new patterns. And so I want you to understand that your body is always trying to signal you. Hey, it's Mel. Thank you so much for being here. If you enjoyed that video, by God, please subscribe because I don't want you to miss a thing. Thank you so much for being here. We've got so much amazing stuff coming. Thank you so much for sending this stuff to your friends and your family. I love you. We create these videos for you, so make sure you subscribe.